#maybe i jzst have to wait. but what if it stays like this forever . i'm scared
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soooo insane how depression actually affects the way i talk/speak/my speech patterns/etc like not only have i lost motivation to even talk to myself and it's rotting my brain away but i also forgot how to talk to others entirely because it has become. exhausting for me. awesome
#i wanna cry HAHA.#the other day i was thinking about how i never had a good relationship with myself but at least i. used to like#take care of myself a little more by talking to myselc more and singing too . i put it in my to do list to sing more again#cause at this point i will do anything just to feel ok like i dropped so many things because i felt ashamed for being there for myself?#like i don't kbow how to describe it but i stopped doing all these things because i felt i didn't deserve to do things like that. to have#fun and to practice self love .. LOL . and now i can't even talk to peoole anymore because i also distsnced myself from making connections#for like YEARS and it has only gotten harder for me now . and it worries me#because why does everyone have it so easy when it comes to connecting with others even though they're also mentally ill in similar ways as#me. but i have an unbelievably hard time with connecting witv others#and the thing is i don't even know where to start ... with. you know. healing myself#it's all tooo much. so i do nothing and try to just survive through these days . i feel so. weird#maybe i jzst have to wait. but what if it stays like this forever . i'm scared#i wish i had more close friends it has always been like something i wanted but i just csn't. have . because of my mental state . sigh
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