#maybe he just bribed the templars with cookies?

[ramblinganthropologist]

Fictober 21 - 9 “There’s no right side to this”

Fanfiction

Fandom: Dragon Age Inquisition

Summary: Kaaras has a problem. Lucky for him, he’s been training all his life to deal with it. He’s going to need a room with only one exit, a plate of cookies, and a whole lot of patience to settle things, but it’s for the good of Skyhold. Now, if he could only do it before his migraine melted his brain...

---

“Thank you for stopping to see me on such short notice, Kaaras.”

Why did getting called to Josephine’s office feel like he was getting lectured?

Kaaras at least got to sit for this as he settled into the chair across the desk from his head ambassador. Like always, it was piled high with papers and letters from various dignitaries and countries that needed their help. If it was up to him, he probably would’ve read through all of them and never got anything done, but the Antivan was far better at this sort of thing than he was. Her summaries helped move things along and allowed him to make proper decisions… but he got the feeling as she looked at him that it wasn’t about that.

Oh boy… what had he done this time?

“I’m always happy to help, Josephine.” Even his smile felt awkward as he tried to keep calm. Naturally, that was impossible for him – he always ran a bit nervous. His aunt had told him he needed a proper outlet for it, and at one point he had taken up jewelry making as a way to quiet both his hands and mind. Now he was great at it but bringing his tools to meetings tended to be frowned upon… so there went his coping strategy.

Maybe he needed a quiet one, so he didn’t wind up picking the skin off his hands.

The human in front of him smiled back, but her eyes said it was straight to business time as she sat as well. “I do hope I am not being too presumptuous with my request.”

“Hard to say, I don’t even know what it is yet. I doubt it, mind you. You’re the soul of propriety.”

At least he wasn’t babbling. Score one for the Dalish-qunari federation of two.

She smiled at him, but that soon faded as she shook her head. “Normally, I would just let them settle things amongst themselves, but things are beginning to get out of hand.”

Her words set up a number of possibilities in his mind as he sat there. Orlais and Ferelden were naturally near the top, but of course there were still plenty of mage and templar flare ups to be dealt with. For all he knew this could be about two noble families doing stupid noble shit to each other.

But… her words also made him doubt that. What would be presumptuous about that?

Josephine took his silence on the matter and continued. “Forgive me, but I would request you oversee the dispute between Jackel and Akri.”

Ah.

Kaaras could already feel the headache blooming as he resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. “What did I miss when I was out fighting that dragon?”

It had been one of the rare times that he hadn’t taken either both of them or at least one member of his family. Both had been preoccupied with other tasks and begged off, citing they had something important to handle. He had gone off without them, taking a few members of his inner circle to literally cross swords with an honest-to-the-Creators dragon that was causing havoc in one of the areas they were stabilizing. It had been a nasty fight, and he was just starting to settle back into being in Skyhold again.

Now this.

His ambassador nudged a piece of chocolate towards him – probably her version of a bribe. He took it anyway, mostly because chocolate was proving to be quite a boon in dealing with his headaches. If only he would have had it when his horns were growing in, maybe he wouldn’t have had to drink all that nasty tea…

But he was avoiding the problem. He did that a lot. It was kind of bad form when you led an organization.

“I am unsure. Everything was fine until a few days ago, then they started arguing with each other nearly every time they met. I fear it may come to blows at this rate, and I honestly cannot tell who would come off the worse. Josephine sighed again. “Does this sort of thing happen often with your family?”

Well, let’s see…was it normal for two people with strong personalities and stubborn natures to butt heads?

Was the sky fucking blue?

It must have been written all over his face, because Josephine pushed another piece of chocolate his way, maybe out of sympathy. “I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, but their last blow up was in the library and it put quite a few people off. Could you please talk to them and see if you could sort things out?”

Kaaras responded by popping the chocolate in his mouth and sighing as it began to melt. Once he had swallowed, he nodded. “I’m probably the only one who can get to them right now anyway. At least Akri can control his magic now, it was even worse when they were younger.”

He still had scars from those days. Lucky for him, he was must better at dodging now.

“Thank you, Kaaras.” She smiled at him. “And… would it be too much to see if you could resolve things quickly?”

“Quickly is the only way you can do these things. You need to catch them off guard.” He stood. “I’m going to need an empty room with no windows and one door. Also, if I could get some cookies or something else sweet.”

A plan was already starting to bloom as the chocolate worked its way through his sore brain. Lucky for him, he had years of experience of dealing with the pair when they were at their worst. It was time to get to work.

---

A few hours later, Kaaras found himself in the mentioned room. Josephine had made sure to find a decently sized one with thick walls, away from people. The only furniture inside was a table and three chairs – everything else had been moved out for safety’s sake.

And of course, he had the cookies. Today’s batch was chocolate chip, which in itself felt like a good luck charm.

Like clockwork, he heard his first target coming before he saw her. Jackel was quiet, but he had grown up with her. More than that, he knew she couldn’t say no to sweets. That was all he needed as he opened the door after waiting for a few seconds.

“Thanks for coming, Jacks. I could really use your help.”

His cousin, far smaller and thinner than he was even as a child, looked suspicious as she stepped through. He did his best to keep his face neutral as he gestured to the table where the cookies were waiting. Naturally, she went right for them, one going immediately into her mouth as she settled into perching on the chair.

“So, you wanted to go over shit you found fighting that dragon? Not sure why you need me, that’s more a magic nerd thing.”

The mere mention of magic nerds made Jackel scowl, and she shoved another cookie into her mouth. Kaaras felt the sweat bead on the back of his neck, but he didn’t let it show as he sat down as well. She had to think he was genuine for this to work – otherwise, she’d leave.

That was why there were no windows. She was prone to jumping out, especially if there was a nearby tree.

“I’m pretty sure this isn’t magical. Dorian gave it a once over when we found it, but he said he didn’t feel anything.” He placed the dagger on the table. Honestly, he had wanted to talk to her about it – tools like this was really her area of expertise. “I’m thinking it’s from Orlais based on the handle, but there was nothing Orlesian around it. Maybe it’s from a scouting party?”

Jackel picked it up, holding it between her hands. “Yeah, but it looks like the dragon shit it out. Where the hell did you find this?”

Not up a dragon’s ass…

Kaaras didn’t get the chance to answer – he heard the sound of footsteps approaching. Lucky for him, the dagger had caught Jackel’s interest for the moment. He used that moment to stand and walk to the door. When she got like that, nothing could pull her out.

Was it wrong to use that against her? Maybe, but if it was as bad as Josephine had said, he needed all the help he could get.

Without a word, he opened the door. Just like he thought, his brother was standing on the other side. Like always, Akri looked prickly. However, thanks to how he had arranged the room, he couldn’t see the other member at the table.

This was why Kaaras had been so insistent about the room. Optics were everything in this operation.

“You wanted me to look at some magic stuff you found while killing that dragon?”

Before Jackel could react, Kaaras grabbed his brother’s arm and pulled him in. The sudden throw got him off his feet, enough that he stumbled away from the door. As soon as he had, he threw the key into the lock and clicked it shut. Then the key went into his pocket, and he sat down, chair against the door.

Sadly, that was the easy part.

“What the- “Akri’s face soon hardened as he saw the room’s other occupant. “Oh, come the fuck on.”

Jackel shot him a dirty look as she glanced around the room. Betrayal crossed her face as she glared over at Kaaras. She always was good at figuring this kind of thing out, but sometimes he could trick her.

They were both going to be pissed at him after, but he would take a united front against a destruction derby.

“You’re so dead when this is over.” She shot Akri another glare. “I have nothing to say to you, asshole.”

Akri snorted as he spun his chair around and sat down, crossing his arms over the top. “That makes two of us, you dick.”

Ah, lovely. It wasn’t as bad as he had thought. At the very least they were still insulting each other. The worst was when they didn’t talk at all. There was hope yet for a peaceful conclusion to the matter…

He just had to nudge them.

Kaaras looked from cousin to brother as he gauged their reactions. “I only did this because Josephine told me you two were causing a ruckus in the library. Poor Trevy wound up reshelving half the entropy section because of your fight.”

His cousin snorted at that. “Blame your brother, he’s the one with the magic.”

“Blame your cousin, she’s the one who fucking started it.”

How the hell were they adults again?

The headache was starting to return. All Kaaras could do was pinch the bridge of his nose in a hope to ward off the worst of it. His hand sparked as he did, filling his veins with fire. In a weird way, it was a reminder that this wasn’t just a regular argument. After all, all three were involved with the Inquisition now. They needed to resolve this peacefully.

Also? It hurt like shit. He wanted to go to bed, but instead he was stuck dealing with his stupid family.

“I don’t care who started it.” Creators, he sounded like his father right then. Talk about a nightmare. “It’s fine if you’re mad at each other, but it’s dragging other people into it and I’m not going to watch what happened last time go down again.”

The scar on his wrist throbbed in memory, but he kept it off his face as he looked from person to person. Akri and Jackel were annoyed, but at least they weren’t throwing anything. Though, that was probably because there was nothing to throw.

He was an old hand at this.

Sighing, Kaaras did allow for a pinch to the bridge of his nose to stop the headache. “So, mind telling me what the problem is?”

“Don’t see how that’s any of your fucking business, Kaas.” Akri wasn’t quite at a snarl, but he was pissed. “I don’t feel like talking anyway.”

Jackel was picking at another cookie. “I’m with the asshole on this one.”

Yep, his headache was even worse.

“Fine, then we’re just going to sit here until you do feel like it. Josephine cleared my schedule for this.” He crossed one leg over the other. “So, I’m sure you have better things to do than glare at me. Might as well get it over with so you can go off and do them.”

Before either could try it, he added, “My chair is enchanted, by the way. You’re not going to be able to get me out of it until I decide to get up on my own. So, don’t even think about trying that, Akri.”

It wasn’t often he got to outsmart his family – but he had experience in the matter. And bruises, a lot of healed bruises from moments like this. Sometimes, he just had to shut off all other routes of escape to get these assholes to deal with whatever was bothering them.

He was starting to get an idea though. Only one thing could probably annoy them this much…

“Why don’t you ask your horn dog of a brother?”

Ah, right on the money.

Akri glared over at Jackel, who continued to innocently pick at her cookie. “It was my fucking night- “

“And you did it in my spot!”

His brother rolled his eyes as he scowled. “How the fuck was I supposed to know that random ass spot was your area with him? We don’t exactly share our fucking spots! If it was so important, Bull should’ve said something! Besides, that doesn’t exactly let you fuck with my experiment!”

“How was I supposed to know that random ass spot was so important?”  

Their voices were starting to get to shouting level. Lucky for him, the walls were thick enough to muffle it. They could scream until they were hoarse (hopefully not, mind you) and no one would ever hear it. It would give him the world’s worst headache, but at least he would manage to keep the peace.

At least he had the picture now.

Kaaras once again pinched the bridge of his nose. “So… if I have this right… Jackel, you’re mad at Akri because he was intimate with Bull in a space you keep special for just the two of you.”

When she nodded, he turned to his brother. “And Akri, you’re upset because you think she messed with your experiment in revenge for this.”

Another nod. Good. They were getting somewhere.

He let the matter hang in the air as the two fumed over their issues. Sometimes, it took someone else saying it for the full emphasis to drop on how ridiculous they were both being. But they were making good time… maybe he could catch a nap after all. He really needed it – the headache was only getting worse. Plus, he needed to change clothes… it was getting kind of hot in there.

Who knew being around two hotheads could raise the room temperature?

A few moments later, he let out a sigh as he ran his non-glowing death hand over his hair. “There’s no right side to this, you know.”

Before both could start to shout at him, he added, “You both crossed each other’s boundaries. This could have been solved with better communication. How was Akri supposed to know that was your special space, Jackel?”

His cousin sucked in her cheek – she could see the logic. “He could have asked Bull…”

“It was dark. You know his night vision’s shit.” At least Akri wasn’t shouting. That was a good sign. “I didn’t fucking do it on purpose, it was an accident. You can’t fucking claim the same, you cost me two weeks of work!”

And he was starting to raise his voice. Shit. Things had been going so well too…

Jackel scowled at him. “I don’t know what magic looks like, I can’t even read! How the hell was I supposed to know I was walking through mage shit?”

Akri’s scowl turned into more of a frown – that was his tell. “I had the damn area blocked off…”

“Half of Skyhold is blocked off, the damn place is a fucking ruin.” Jackel picked at another cookie – she had left two. “It’s not like I did it on purpose, I just needed to be by myself after all this.”

The tension was starting to evaporate from the room. Akri and Jackel weren’t looking at each other, probably because they were feeling a little stupid and didn’t want to admit it. By now, they should’ve been used to this feeling – it wasn’t exactly their first fight. Damn the fact they had similar personalities when it came to getting pissed.

But still... a win was a win.

“So, it sounds like you both didn’t mean it. It still happened, but it wasn’t done on purpose.” He sighed in relief as he felt his forehead throb and stomach start to churn. Neither were exactly promising signs, but he just had a bit further to go to make sure Skyhold wouldn’t fall apart due to these two and their argument. “Sound good?”

Jackel nudged the plate close to Akri. “You still need a better way to mark your spots off.”

He accepted the cookie. “Right back at you. Maybe we should bend branches or something so the shems can’t figure it out.”

“There’s plenty of walls to carve a symbol or something in too.”

Wonderful, they were thinking about solutions. This had gone better than he had hoped. Kaaras’ shoulders sagged in relief as he allowed his eyes to close briefly. His head had gone straight into fucking killing him mode in the last few minutes, so they had wrapped things up with plenty of time for him to wish he was in a coma.

Whatever was causing these headaches needed to fucking stop… but at least the quiet helped him not want to throw up.

“Kaas, you ok over there? You’re looking green as hell.”

Akri’s voice was calm, but it still hurt. The palm on his forehead was cool, though. He was almost sad for it to be pulled away with a hiss.

“Shit, he’s burning up.”

Jackel’s chair scraped as she went somewhere, he didn’t know where. “He’s probably fucking overdoing it again. Come on, let’s get his dumb ass to bed before he passes out.”

The enchantment tingled as Kaaras tapped the chair and took a shaky step to stand. Almost at once, he stumbled. Lucky for him, his brother was way bigger and stronger than he was. No floor naps for him.

“I got you, Kaas.” Then his feet were off the ground. “Damn it, did you eat anything while you were killing that dragon? You’ve lost like ten pounds at least.”

They were moving now – the motion made his stomach churn, but at least he didn’t have anything in it to void. All he could hope for was that they were going through a quiet route. People tended to get upset when they saw their leader out of commission.

“I was fine… until a few minutes ago.”

Jackel snorted somewhere near his side. “Bullshit, you’ve worked with the flu before. I can’t believe Josie didn’t notice the shitty condition you’re in.”

Neither did he apparently… maybe that wasn’t a good sign.

After a few flights of stairs, Kaaras felt his back land on something soft. Akri slipped off his jacket and helped him work his way out of his upper shirt. Then it was straight to pillow town, operation him.

“Thanks…”

From the sound of things, Jackel was sitting nearby – so was Akri. “Just get some fucking rest, moron. If you’re up later, we’ll get you some dinner.”

“We’ll make sure nobody comes to fuck with you.”

Well, at least they were working as a unit again. Kaaras could be glad for that as he buried his burning face in the pillow to sleep off his headache. Nothing like a family medical emergency to bring people together…

You think it would teach them to talk things out, but it never did. At least they had him to sort things out… though he would’ve preferred to do it without his body crapping out on him like that.

Oh well… he could worry about that later, after his nap. With any luck, Josephine would come up to look for him and get the good news. That would save him giving a follow up report of how his family’s sex and work life had become hopelessly intertwined.

Creators, he would give his left hand to avoid that…