#maybe I'll make him ride it who knows he's gotta earn it y'all

[polyphemusboo]

I already wrote about pathetic simon who begs for your forgiveness, but what about really pathetic simon who's ready to get on his knees for you as soon as you get home??

he's been retired for a while, little beard he gets sometimes it's slowly becoming whiter, just a bit! and he just stays at home, really. he's a good little house husband, he loves it when the house is clean and you smile at him because he did a good job! he also made dinner so, really, don't even bother cuz he's got that covered for both of you!

so of course, after such a hard day and such a yummy dinner prepared by him, you let that ridiculous man get you on your back right there on the couch, all your clothes off in a minute, and he's oh sooo eager to bury himself between your legs, tongue and jaw working overtime, and hey! don't even dare touching yourself, because he'll bite those fingers off. it's his to enjoy now.

and even if you're sensitive, pushing on his head for him to give you a break, pretty little simon only grips your hips to keep you still and chokes on it, slurping it all the way because you taste so good on his tongue and he can't have enough.

and really, who can say no to those beautiful puppy eyes looking up at you from between your thighs? certainly not you

[anticomedygarden]

England's got a new queen! epilogue (two weeks later)

part one | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | ao3 link

thanks to everyone who stuck with this for all 6 chapters! i love y'all

-

Alex has to hand it to whoever was in charge of planning this funeral - they sure knew how to throw a depressing party.

Shockingly, it wasn't for lack of trying. The lights are bright, there's oodles and oodles of finger foods and dozens of people to eat it, but there's no ignoring the coffin on the raised platform at the end of the hall, and, honestly, that's not even the worst thing in the room.

There are people everywhere, milling around, talking, showing themselves like a sad who's who of the British upper class. They've all got on designer mourning clothes and flashy jewelry, men carrying business papers in their wallets to show investors and women smiling prettily at them. Older white people sit in the uncomfortable, thousand dollar furniture playing at being happy to be here. No one is really here for Mary; no one is here to mourn, not even Catherine or Philip. It's like the real life version of Death of a Salesman.

It makes Alex sick.

He hates her, hated her with every fiber of his being, but this is truly one of the worst things he's ever seen, some sort of disgusting amalgamation of everything wrong with the world, because not only is everyone pretending to care about the dead woman on the pedestal, he and Henry are the only openly queer people here, Alex one of the few people of color present. It's all so white, so bland, so damn fake, he has to wonder if Mary ever had anything real in her life, anything good. It almost makes him understand how she got to be the way she was, not that it's any excuse.

As much as he hates it, even Alex can't escape the ambassadors and nobility that all want to talk to him and get into his good graces now that Catherine is (about to be) the queen. That, too, makes him want to throw him up.

Henry's around here somewhere, at least, talking to Bea. It's been very hard to separate them since he and Alex were first whisked off to London two weeks ago. That had been a ride. Coming back from vacation to find out the queen was dead and everyone thought someone was trying to kill them? Not an experience Alex wants to repeat, though he is looking forward to the party Pez promised to throw once things calm down.

After a few minutes of standing alone, he finally can't take it anymore and wanders out onto the grounds. He finds a bench in a small garden and sits down, relaxing in the clear, warm air. It's not as good as Colorado, but it's better than being inside.

A few minutes later, Philip sits down next to Alex on the little white bench, face pinched with deep thought.

Maybe it's the funeral, but the words leave Alex’s mouth before he realizes what he’s saying. "How are you doing with all of this?"

Philip shoots him a confused look, as if he can't believe Alex is having this conversation with him, and, honestly, Alex can't really believe it, either.

He presses on. "I may not like you that much, but I know you were closer to her than anyone else was. It's gotta be at least a little hard for you." That, and this sad as fuck funeral getting him a bit philosophical about all their places in the world.

Philip takes a moment to answer. "I'm not…unhappy," he says, still looking down.

Alex rolls his eyes. "C'mon man, I'm not gonna judge you for being sad that your grandma died."

Philip snorts, the closest thing to a laugh Alex has ever gotten from him. "It's - odd. I thought I would be sad - and I am - but there's other things as well."

Alex waits for him to continue, but Philip just gazes out across the green green courtyard. "You can tell me, if you want, and I'll swear on my mom's immigration policy that I won't tell Henry."

That earns him another snort, and Philip finally looks at him. "I'm glad Mum's about to be Queen. That's definitely something I'm happy about. I'm glad Martha and I won't be berated about our future children anymore when we visit the palace."

"Oh, yeah, definitely a bonus."

"I'm glad that you, Henry, and Bea will have more freedom to do what you want, now." He stops there, and Alex thinks he might be about to pull out the big guns. "I think, maybe, I'm also glad for myself that I won't have to run my life based on her anymore."

Oh. Alex does a double take. He wasn't expecting that. "What do you mean?"

Philip takes a breath. "For so long, I ran my life according to her. I based my career on her, my beliefs, even Martha was approved by her, and for the most part, all it did was hurt all of you, just for her funeral to look like this."

Despite his promise, Alex wishes someone else were here to witness this and verify that he isn't hallucinating because it sounds like Philip is...remorseful, and Alex realizes that this kind of funeral is exactly what Philip's life is heading toward.

"And then that makes me feel guilty that I was so horrible for no reason. I-" he pauses. "I should've been better."

"Hey," Alex says, and dear god, he's about to comfort Philip. "You may have been a dick then, but you've grown a lot. I mean, if it were five years ago, I'd have been worried you would throw yourself on her funeral pyre. Now, we're having a civil conversation at her funeral. You're doing pretty good."

"Really?" There's a good deal of hope in his blue eyes alongside the grief. Alex is happy he could make something real in the midst of these fakers.

"Yeah." Alex spots Henry walking toward them, a day of sunshine, more real than anything. "You good?"

He nods. "Yes, thank you, Alex."

"Kay, see you." He hops off the bench and walks toward his boyfriend. "Hey, baby, how’re you doing?"

Henry smiles at him. "Pretty good, actually."

That's good. Alex had been afraid the funeral would remind him of Arthur's and become a trigger, but the blond seems to be fine. "I'm glad."

Henry takes his hand as they start on the stone path around the garden. "What were you and Philip talking about?"

Alex waves his hand. "Just Mary and how she enjoyed ruining lives."

"Is that really appropriate for her funeral?" Henry asks, though his mouth quirks.

"It's always appropriate, sweetheart." They walk a few places. "What about you? How are you feeling?"

Henry takes a moment to think. "I feel pretty good, honestly. Lighter, almost as if I've left some worries behind in the coffin."

Alex doesn't doubt. During the last two weeks, Henry had been trying to figure out how to allow himself to be happy without feeling guilty, something Bea had helped a lot with. The princess had had no qualms about her joy at the matriarch's passing nor the spreading of it. Alex is just happy that Henry's happy.

Of course, he's sure at some point, they'll have to contend with their newfound freedom, figure out what to do with less restraints, but they were going to have to do that anyway when Henry's abdication went through.

Speaking of- "Hey, I've been meaning to ask. You still want to abdicate right? You were pretty set on it before."

Henry nods. "Of course. It's still the right thing to, for your career and for the world. The time of monarchies is ending, I hope."

"Thank god."

Henry murmurs his assent, and they keep walking through the flowers in the sun, breathing easy, like they're just two anonymous people in the world without the weight of two countries on their shoulders.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Not that I don't appreciate the gesture Janis: But you didn't need to go full Van Gogh to get my attention, like Jimmy joined the chat 5 hours ago Jimmy: Not my first thought when I decided on giving you the finger either like Jimmy: Suffering for my art on day one though. #committed Janis: Says even more about your artistic temperament, that Janis: Gotta be to something eh now we're officially on the radar for being on the rocks Janis: Are you okay forreal though? Playground stories vastly differing from a scratch to amputation Jimmy: Yeah. Could ask you the same since there's no grapevine for me to rely on about the Janis Cavante enigma Janis: What can I say? If only the game hadn't gone to shit Janis: I'm alright, just family stuff Jimmy: 👌 Janis: When you gonna be my mate again? Janis: I'm sorry for whatever I said that got to you but I can't un-say it now, can I? Janis: I didn't mean to get so heavy, like, you know I was hanging Jimmy: When have I ever been your mate? 😏💕😍 Friendzone better than no zone but #savage Jimmy: Cheers for the warning, bit late but Janis: Shut up Janis: OBVIOUSLY I was just gonna seduce you when I saw ya again Janis: but you gotta ruin it 😕 idk, are you even committed to the #goal anymore? Jimmy: why your surprised? Got form at that, don't I? Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: Course I am #rideordie obvs 😎 Janis: Not that I recall 🤔 Thought I was the one that couldn't read a situation Janis: Why you coming for my 👑? You've got no chance I'm FAR more hopeless than you Jimmy: You don't get to take that win. Sorry 🏆💪 All mine Janis: You're impossible 💘 Jimmy: Missed you too 💕 Janis: Maybe a tad 😉 Janis: If I tell you I did and no faking Janis: You gonna put the knife down? Jimmy: 👌 Janis: What you being a prick for? Janis: Not gonna let you off that easy soz Janis: Use your words Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: I'm still a prick though. Sorry. You won't get off that easy 😏 Janis: Yeah but that's how I like you Janis: Weren't working under some illusion you were alright like Janis: so what's up??? Jimmy: Nothing now Jimmy: What's up with you? Janis: 😤 Janis: Aside from talking to a brick wall I'm grand, boy Janis: Trying to wrack my brain for what I did or said...any hints? Jimmy: It was nowt I'm just a moody git Jimmy: don't worry about it Janis: Nah it wasn't Janis: 'Cos I was in a mood that day from the off and you were trying for ages Janis: and I don't think you were just mardy at me for spoiling the day 'cos you know I'm a prick too Janis: No surprises Jimmy: It wasn't you. My dad just does my head in, you know Jimmy: all that shit Janis: Alright, makes sense Janis: When he finally rolled in was he solo then? Jimmy: Nah Janis: Shit Janis: I'm sorry Janis: Could've given you warning but 'course not...was Bobby in bed at least? Jimmy: Not your fault Jimmy: Yeah, with me, thankfully. He hasn't gone in me dad's room for ages Jimmy: Cass of course knows it all Janis: Still Janis: That's one good for now at least then Janis: Yeah no fooling her...I thought she seemed off when I was coming to get Twix but not enough that I clocked Janis: That's shit, Jim Jimmy: Except she thought the woman was a prozzie, asked her how much pops was paying and all that Jimmy: Funny but not facts Jimmy: no chance of paying her off Jimmy: What's going on at your gaff then? Janis: Oh God Janis: point 1 to Cass 😂 Janis: Know I shouldn't be laughing but Christ Janis: Not trying to be #fitandmysterious about it but it ain't my shit to tell Janis: Nothing that ain't survivable just something shit but that's par for the course init Jimmy: Go on, I had a good laugh. Still am. Gotta, like. Jimmy: Yeah. With you there Jimmy: Twix probs won't take no for an answer but she's a good secret keeper so it'll be alright Janis: Yeah, if your life Da insists your life has gotta be a hilarious evil step-witch Disney romp Janis: May as well be in on the joke Janis: Twix could really stir the pot if she wanted Janis: get me to herself like she really wants Jimmy: Don't suppose you fancy a front row seat do you? My dad's talking about having her over for dinner and if Cass can't put a stop to it, I think she'd like you there Jimmy: Bring Grace too if you want, Bobby hasn't shut up about her. Like she's his girlfriend or something Jimmy: Once Twix gets under the table the woman'll be well outnumbered Janis: Bless him, he really cheered her up too Janis: Would be mildly amusing to outshine his big news with that wtf pairing, sure Janis: I can be there, if Cass wants Janis: Great at fucking up family dinners, like Jimmy: #therealOTP Jimmy: Gracie doing alright now, yeah? Barely recognised her at the park before Jimmy: It's been a while but I think I can still remember how to do it too. I got your back Janis: Yeah, she'll be alright, just a bit of a rough time rn Janis: Same tbh but gotta be like riding a bike Janis: we so good at fucking up other stuff yeah? Jimmy: Gotta be, she managed to look down at Tammy earlier, no easy feat Jimmy: Yeah 🏆💪 Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: She's well shot of her Janis: although she's just the monkey not the organ grinder Janis: need the rosetta stone to talk to you sometimes boy 🙄😂 Jimmy: If that's your way of telling me you're magic, I'm not surprised 😜 Jimmy: Love it if you cursed Mia this term tbh Janis: You'd think that face was curse enough Janis: 😑 Janis: but y'all have 0 standards Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Mine are 🥇 Jimmy: wouldn't even fake date her, mate Janis: Well you talk a big game but don't you always Janis: #allforshow? Janis: Oh I forgot, just tall Tam who made the cut was it? Janis: 😏 Jimmy: shut up Janis: Nah don't be ashamed we've all got a past to rip the piss out of Janis: At least you didn't end up sharing a lad with your sister Janis: Thanks for that one Gracie 👍 Jimmy: Still time, Cass don't even like lads yet 👍 Janis: Why would you wish your taste on poor Cass? Janis: Don't even 😂 Jimmy: Too late, mate she's already loving ya Janis: 1/3 ain't bad 💪 Jimmy: I'll let her know Janis: I would aim for the full set but Gracie cockblocking again so 🤷 Jimmy: Gotta step your game up, mate. Jimmy: Such a loser like Janis: Excuse me Janis: you're 3/3 by default don't shout about it Jimmy: 😎 Janis: wanna try for my full set? Janis: doubt it Jimmy: Bring it on, hun Janis: did you just hun at me Jimmy: yeah, channeling my inner Gracie since she bested TT and I just got the 💋 of death like Janis: tragic 💅 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: what we doing now i'm outta school early Janis: Hmm Janis: Picking up where we left off? Or new challenge? Jimmy: I'm always about trying new stuff 👍 Janis: Ooh Janis: Adventurous Janis: #keepingitfresh Jimmy: 😏 gotta now we're #keepingitreal Janis: can't let the haterz just hate can you? #winningemback1hashtagatatime Jimmy: Such a winner, can't help it Janis: Pfft. Jimmy: you coming to find me then? left you a blood trail and everything Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Who could resist such a sexy offer? Janis: I've got to get out of this lesson first Janis: Time me Jimmy: ⏲ Jimmy: go Janis: *Should have asked where he was, but it was too late for that now and thus, just another part of the game. She wasn't losing by default of asking, thanks. Logically, wasn't going to make her go anywhere near the Head or the classrooms...So that left the smoking hole, already waiting outside the gates or...the bogs? Best place to check first before venturing out. There was the lot in the Science block, the ones in the Humanities and the ones upstairs. If only she was as obsessed as she felt on her bad days to have his schedule memorized so she could pick the most likely of the lot. As it was, she just made it to the closest, like she had a place to be. First lot was a bust, just someone having a sneaky shit and keeping dead silent in reply to her 'Jim?', oops, soz mate. Exiting sharpish, Janis jogged down the corridor to the next, seeing him as soon as she entered, checking himself out in the mirrors; She smirks, walking over to the sinks and seating herself down on one to face him. She grabs his hands (gently) to assess the damage (not too bad, thank God), cocking a brow.* How'd I do? Jimmy: *Once the app's pressed, his phone's away and he's focused on his own (self imposed) race against time. The clean up. The sooner this bollocks was done the faster they could get out of here and onto the next. Whenever and whatever that is. Jimmy didn't try and guess, how things have been panning out lately like. He knows, without glancing down at his hand that it looks worse than it is, and easy to sort. No chance of calling what's happening with him and this girl anything close. Jimmy shrugs, to get it out of his system, he tells himself, 'cause no more of that shit. Not for a bit, after before. Then shakes his head, uninjured hand running through his hair. The briefest flash of a smile that there's no shame in. He's just glad she's willing to show up again and 'cause she is, he won't let himself keep slipping. Try hard move, but how he feels. There's more of the same when he hears someone come in, realizing it's her, and moves closer, hands still connected until he's standing between where her legs dangle off porcelain. It's a position to tease if he wants, and probably he will, keeping that familiar tone going for as long as they'll both allow, but first he answers her question, pulling his phone out with his own raised eyebrows poised. * 6 flat. Not bad, mate. * He breathes it out, counting himself, up to the moment when he kisses her. Fast enough to shut her up before she can make any claims to victory, yeah, but mostly he just wants to. Slowly. Needs to. She's earned it by being here. Or he's owed it for getting too far in the line of fire. It doesn't matter. Not yet.* Janis: *Janis inhales sharply as he moves closer, holding the breath in tight as so to hold him in place too. Stay. It's not just a matter of closeness though, is the problem. With a Family like hers, you were used to touchy-feely, (back in the day, when she still allowed it from any of 'em, like), but this was about the places he was able to get close...Where no one else ever had. And she wasn't just being literal, all relevant body parts ignited by his touch, it was the other shit too, head space and fucking...soul space, occupying space and time in her life she'd given to no one before him. It was terrifying, 'course, it was also fucking exhilarating. Why else would she? Up for the challenge, yeah? In this moment, here and now, absofuckinglutely. Try and stop me. Doubts and dread could be saved for later, when he was gone again. Something about him demanded her full attention, and she didn't hate the distraction of it, of him, AT ALL. She laced her legs 'round his back using them to pull him closer still. But she won't be the one to start it. She still can't. Not got the bottle to be sure he wants it too. Tragic, as her twin would say. Sure she'd feel more tragic if he pulled back, though.* New record, I reckon... *Barely focused on her own words as she murmurs them into his ear, thin fingers running through his dark hair, messing up what she had caught him fixing.* I like you better like this. Jimmy: *He meets her first unspoken challenge immediately, his easiest yet. Pushing as she pulls, but not away, both of them in a rhythm that only hurts a bit, from his hand, safe to ignore (like he gives a shit right now if it was about to fall off). No other alarm bells, thank fuck, 'cause that's sorted. Done. Jimmy grins into her skin as her softly spoken words tickle his, eyebrows raising themselves to let her know he's unconvinced, that what he 'reckons' is that he could beat it. (If it means getting to her.) Another bet he's ready to place if it's ever laid down. *You do, do you?* His tone has a smirk in it, seconds before it reaches his face, changing the smile as he moves effortlessly, no need to stretch as his own fingers retrace the path of hers, on her, until the ponytail she had in is loosened and the curls falling free. *Touche* Janis: *She laughs softly, this lowering the risk of omitting any other noise, more incriminating AND more shaming, so she reckoned. Bemused face to match, challenging him to 'be careful!' and praying he'll ignore her, breaking School property or falling on her arse be damned, frankly. Janis tuts the kind of 'oh, please! tut of someone not at all interested in having him leave even just so to come back as fast as possible. No more running. Not today. She tightens her grip on him to say as much, tugging playfully at his hair as he messes with hers.* Oi! *She allows it though, enjoying the relief of letting out the too-tight hairband, literal letting down of the hair how cliche they were...Who cares? Not her. She plays otherwise though, pouting like a stroppy kid and blowing a wayward curl out of her eyes.* Look what a mess you've made, boy... *She smiles, bending her head down, curls falling and exposing the nape of her neck, to 'kiss it better'. Light kisses trailing the slip of his knife, even though it was still a bit bloody, she liked the metallic taste of it and pale red stain he left on her lips. She looks up, bigger smile still. God, she wanted him so bad.* Jimmy: *Damn. There's things running through his mind that he could do to 'get her back for this' or 'raise the stakes' and about as many that he shouldn't, like how simple it'd be to 'clean up' again by letting the tap run and flicking as much water as he can whilst not letting go of her a millimeter. That thought could fuck right off. Stupid risk. He doesn't want either of them to cool off and it's too late for that seconds after. So he thinks then, much as he can form any coherent thoughts with THAT happening. A shuddering breath slips out (that she'll no doubt call a moan to ensure her victory when her mind's back on that) covering the sound of the bathroom door opening. Until there's an explosion of noise. Shit. Still existing purely on reactions, empty headed and dizzy, he lifts her off the sink, pulling her protectively against his side in the same movement. His body won't do anything else that it's supposed to, chest too tight and airless to get any words out, defense or attack. Just as well when he finally realises who it is. Fucking hell. All the same, the urge is there to run, persistent and he shoots her a look, daring her to listen to his idea instead of the teacher's rant. This challenge is probably one too far, but anything from Janis and he'll get it done, making sure they both get out.* Janis: *Another cliche, everything happening so fast that it feels like you're running (crawling more like) on slow-mo. Its like they're so fucking close to closing the last of the space but in the seeming eternity between this desperately needed contact finally happening, someone has managed to barge in and spoil everything before Janis had chance to blink. If it had been another kid, (depending on who, of course), she probably could have told them to piss off and then they could continue but that 'someone' being a teacher did somewhat bring her back down into harsh reality with a dull thud. That, and Jimmy lifting her off the sink with lightning speed reaction. Nice. She hid her appreciative smirk, vowing to show him just how appreciative she was when they were alone again. However, she still managed to catch his eye, and catch on to what he was silently saying as teach got louder and louder, realising they weren't listening to him. It was now or never. Realization jolting her back into the here and now, she took his (good) hand (much to the horror of Mr. Lucas when he clocked it, too little too late) and squeezed it tight to say 'Leg it!' And she did just that, pulling Jim with, exit in sight.*