#max isn't really here either lol whoops

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

The Misadventures of Prince Kim - chapter 68

So close to the end of this fic now, finally, where the stakes are real and the fates of millions of people rest on the shoulders of a few teenagers... so I’m gonna ignore that for now and give you this chapter. A day in the life of Snek. Because why not.

Also on AO3 as always

Chandeliers were inherently malevolent. Imhotep the First, royal cobra to the ruling pharaoh of the Kubdel dynasty, awoke from a nightmare about those evil pieces of architecture and immediately decided that at this year’s spring dance, he wasn’t going anywhere near them, no matter what strange plans he got roped into.

In any case, going back to sleep alone in his enclosure simply wouldn’t do. He slithered up over the mini fence, made his way to the pharaoh-sized bed, and curled up around Alix’s arm.

“Hm? Oh hey buddy, what’s up?” She opened her eyes a fraction and gave him a gentle stroke.

-. .. --. .... - -- .- .-. . he tapped.

“Aww, that sucks. It’s okay, though. I’ll always protect you. I’m going back to sleep but wake me up if you need anything, yeah?” She kissed the tip of his hood and closed her eyes again.

Much better. Hopefully now he wouldn’t have a nightmare about chandeliers again. He closed his retinas, since he did not have proper eyelids, and went back to sleep.

-

-

The morning was not much different from usual. He woke up earlier than Alix did and stayed wrapped around her arm, absorbing the warmth into his cool scales. This school place always felt so much colder than back home, making him so sleepy whenever he wasn’t stuck to Alix like glue. Luckily she did not mind. In fact, she liked it a lot. Having a venomous snake wrapped around her shoulders at every second of the day was part of her pharaoh image by now. He liked to consider himself her sidekick.

“Morning dude. You okay now?”

Ah, she had woken up. He nodded at her – of course he was always okay with her around, no matter what.

“Awesome. I guess I should probably get up now, but I can’t be bothered so I’m just gonna lie here for a while…”

She was a little like a snake herself sometimes. Remaining motionless, not having the energy to move? Yes, very snakelike. Had she learnt that from him, or was she just like that? From what he knew, all teenagers were a bit like that.

Perhaps at some point he really could ask her. Morse code was a lifesaver – he could actually properly communicate with her now! For years he had wished to be able to speak the way humans did, with so much variety, rather than just this monotonous hissing he was cursed with. There were so many things he always wanted to say to Alix and had no way to do so. But now he could, and it was the best.

And far less boring, too. Being brought up in captivity, he grew up knowing human languages, like French and English and Arabic. On the odd occasion he came across another snake, he never understood what they were saying at all. Were they even speaking? Or just hissing nonsensically? Perhaps he would never know if all queen cobras were as intelligent as him, or if he was the only one.

-

-

Breakfast was the same as always. He did not want to eat anything, since it wasn’t that time of month for him yet, and human food did not look very appealing anyway. It was funny how Alix also had a “time of month” thing that happened, though hers was definitely less pleasant, and seemed to not keep to its monthly schedule very successfully.

“Nino, are you hacking the music for tonight’s spring dance again?”

“No need to hack this time, Marinette. Mendeleiev personally asked me to oversee it this year. I guess she didn’t want a repeat of the chandelier thing from last year, huh?”

“But that was funny…”

No it was not! The snake curled up a little tighter around Alix’s shoulders, hissing instinctively. Chandeliers just still somehow gave him a bad, bad feeling…

-

-

Class was no different. As usual, Lady Caline asked questions that only Markov knew the answer to. As usual, Alix ignored everything and played hangman with Mylène on the corner of a scrap piece of paper. As usual, Nathaniel was clearly drawing instead of writing. As usual, Kim and Max were giving each other cheesy looks while thinking no one was watching.

Nothing interesting ever happened in class anyway. It was always outside class where the fun happened. Like the spring dance! What was going to happen there this year? At least it wasn’t going to be strictly formal now, thanks to the crazy events of last year. Though hopefully no falling chandeliers…

-

-

“This is the boy who gave me his pet cat! He wants to ask you about getting a pet snake!” Marinette was running up the corridor, dragging along a beaming noble by the arm.

“Hi, I’m Wayhem!” the noble said. “Your snake is so cool! Can I stroke him? Can I? Please?”

“Ask him yourself,” Alix replied.

“Ah, okay!” Wayhem looked down at the snake, still with a huge smile. “Can I stroke you?”

He nodded. The noble softly ran his fingers over the scales.

“Wow… this is so cool! Are you venomous?”

He nodded again.

“Have you ever killed anyone?”

He shook his head this time. Humans were capable of killing too! Why did they not ask each other that question? Why always snakes? From everything he had ever experienced in his life, humans on the whole seemed much crueller than snakes. Venom had nothing to do with it. After all, he still had annoyingly vivid memories of another timeline, where the guards had discovered him harmlessly residing in the palace, and sliced off his head for it…

Oh yes, he could access the other timelines too. Usually they were either very sad or very boring, sometimes both. And that one timeline where he was beheaded had been rather painful. Sure, it was quicker than dying from venom or poisoned chocolates, but it had hurt, and it had hurt even more to see his human owner having a nightmare about it and being so distraught. At least from now on Alix had promised to protect him as much as possible, which put him at ease. And she had kept that promise. She was very protective.

“Are you done?” she snapped at Wayhem. The snake was thankful – it got kind of annoying when people just endlessly stroked him and did nothing else. At least tell a joke or play rock-paper-scissors or something!

“Yep! Thanks, bye!”

And Wayhem ran off without another word. Perhaps, while not being afraid of the snake, he was afraid of Pharaoh Alix herself, which seemed quite common. Not as much these days as it used to be, but it still happened on occasion. Especially with the nobles.

“I didn’t even know his name was Wayhem, he never told me,” Marinette huffed. “But I’m glad he gave me his cat. I’m sure Plagg is doing very well back home, with… my other cat.”

Other cat? They must be talking about Adrien. People were always using codenames for him, in case of spies overhearing and discovering his whereabouts. But then again, weren’t the spies gone now that Empress Chloé had cut ties with the Agreste Empire? It seemed Alix had the same thought.

“Is your ‘other cat’ ever gonna join you here?” she asked. “You know, now that things are… uh…”

“I don’t think so,” Marinette said, lowering her voice to such a quiet whisper that there was no way anyone else could overhear – not that anyone was around, anyway. “The borders are probably clear for him and everything, he wouldn’t get arrested on sight anymore, but this empire isn’t safe for travel right now anyway! And his father must be so angry, he’ll have sent spies for sure. If any of them see him, he’ll be taken away again and this time they’ll never let him escape. He’s better off staying put.”

“So it’s like house arrest all over for him, just in a different place this time? Ugh…”

“I know…” Marinette sighed. “To be honest, I might just not come back after the spring holidays. I may as well stay there with him. And if the state of this empire gets any worse, especially further towards the borders, then it won’t even be a choice – I won’t be able to come back at all. Risk of bandit attacks and all that. Royal guards aren’t invincible against angry commoners…”

She spoke some more, but the snake had ceased to listen – there was a rather tasty-looking bug crawling along the top of Marinette’s hair. He watched it, trying so very hard not to suddenly pounce. It looked so good! Bugs were always a nice snack. Unlike eating larger creatures, they didn’t take that long to digest. Neither did spiders. He had eaten a lot of those in his life.

“There’s a bug in your hair, by the way.”

“Oh!” Marinette took the bug in her hand and put it in the front pocket on her robes. “How did she get out of there?”

“Marinette… are you telling me you have a pet bug?”

“Um, sort of? She never goes away no matter what I do, so I’ve kind of accepted it. I’m thinking she might be my… what’s the word? Guardian animal? You know, like your snake.”

“Oh, right…”

The snake was suddenly very glad indeed that he hadn’t eaten the bug. Imagine killing Marinette’s guardian animal, and therefore indirectly dooming Marinette herself to an upcoming grisly fate! Maybe he should think twice before eating. He did have a bit of a problem with recklessness, much like his human counterpart.

“At this rate there’ll be no one left at school by the summer holidays,” Alix muttered.

“It’s not that I want to leave, because I don’t! I’m just so worried, and it’s so tiring being on edge all the time…”

“Fair enough. I hope you have fun back in Cheng, then. You’ll still keep in touch, right?”

“Of course I will! Cheng has an excellent postal system, and there’s a telephone – well the telecommunication lines have been down recently because of some disruption in the Bourgeois Empire, but it’ll be fixed soon I’m sure – anyway I’ll definitely stay in touch! You’re my friend.”

“Thanks. Maybe I’ll visit someday. We can team up to beat Adrien and Kim at tennis again.”

Marinette giggled. “Oh yes, that was how we first properly met each other, wasn’t it? We’ve definitely got to have that tennis match again one day. I’m looking forward to it! Oh – I have to go pack…”

She waved and ran off. The snake was now mildly horrified – it was only just sinking in that this was the last year at school, the last few months here. How many of these people would he never see again in his life? Chloé, Sabrina, Lila and Adrien were already gone, and now Marinette was leaving too. Within a few months, everyone would be gone. It would be back to a lonely life at the palace.

“I can’t believe her guardian animal is a frickin’ bug,” Alix whispered at him. Snakes could not shrug, but if he had arms, he would have shrugged at that.

-

-

The spring dance was different to the previous ones. This time, while still officially called “formal”, the atmosphere was more relaxed. Nino was at the music table playing much better tunes than the musicians had been playing last year. Snakes did not have humanlike ears either, but there were still some things they could hear, and that included good music.

“I forgot to properly invite you but you’re coming to my kingdom for the spring holidays, and no this is not optional,” Alix said to Kim, hiding in the corner away from where all the nobles could confront her about the iconic flower petal incident last year.

“I already know that, silly!” Kim poked her on the nose. “It’s a tradition now. I always have to hang out with you in the spring holidays. And considering they start tomorrow, you probably should have asked me sooner.”

“I’m not asking you, I’m ordering you!”

“Whatever. Hey, where’s Max? I have to go dance with him, I promised I would…” He wandered off.

“Tell Max he has to visit at least once!” Alix called after him – then quickly shut up and hid in her corner again from the nobles. The snake was relieved. He didn’t want any nobles asking him about the chandelier thing either, even if they wouldn’t understand a word he said about it.

“Alix, why are you hiding in the corner?”

“Juleka! Shh! Don’t tell anyone!”

Juleka had just walked into view, and now came over looking rather smug. “You don’t want people asking you to throw flower petals at them, do you?”

“Exactly.”

“Can’t you just scare them away? You and that awesome snake of yours?”

He straightened his neck a little – it was always nice to hear compliments from Juleka. That strange, mysterious princess really seemed to like him a lot, and not just in the superficial way that most edgy people did.

“I don’t want people to be scared of me,” Alix said. “A good pharaoh is obeyed because their citizens respect them, not fear them.”

“Glad to see you pay attention in class occasionally.”

“What? No I don’t…”

Juleka looked even more smug. “You know who else pays attention in class? Markov. And you know something about Markov? He has a crush on–”

“The hologram in my sceptre,” Alix said quickly. “I know. The hologram.”

“Hmm. The hologram indeed. Someone else too, but I guess that’s none of my business… oh, except that Master Fu told me at my oracle session that I do actually have gaydar. Proper gaydar, like, supernaturally. Well, more like I can tell when someone isn’t straight. And you know what? I look at Markov, and I don’t sense anything.”

“Are you telling me that Markov is straight?”

“I guess he must be. Though since he’s still developing his emotions and everything, maybe that’ll change.”

“Are you kidding me? So I know like one straight person at this school, and it’s a robot.”

Juleka chuckled. “Our class is an interesting mix, I have to say. I realized it when Max was asking me for love advice about his crush on Kim like almost two years ago. So you’re not their first winggirl.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Sorry, it’s true. You can ask him. And as much as Kim likes to pretend he was mine and Rose’s first wingman, he’s not. Alya was. No wait – my brother was.”

Alix and the snake seemed to have the same thought. “You have a brother?! Since when?”

“Oh sorry, did I not tell you? I guess I forgot.”

Juleka was a very mysterious person who seemed to “forget” a lot of things. No wonder no one really knew much about her at all. Like her hair… were the purple ends natural? She kept them pinned back under her hat so often that sometimes they were invisible. She really was the complete opposite to Rose, and yet those two loved each other so much. Perhaps there was some truth in the “opposite attract” saying after all.

-

-

It wasn’t until almost the end of the mandatory one-hour attendance period that the snake realized something. He felt strange, very strange – oh! It was a timeline thing! Something was happening in another timeline right now, something important. Ignoring the spring dance entirely, he disappeared into his thoughts to find out what was going on.

The exile timeline. That one where a very grumpy Alix had abdicated and gone off into exile with the snake, abandoning Adrien somewhere along the way with no further thought. But in the winter holidays she had promised to go find him again, and maybe take back her kingdom while she was at it…

There! The snake now understood what was happening. He watched the event within his mind, since it somehow seemed important – the Alix from the other timeline had just found Adrien, finally, after months of searching. And not only that, but Master Fu was there too! What was going on?

“Adrien! I finally found you! I’m sorry for leaving like that, I know you didn’t want me to, I hope these last few months haven’t been complete hell…” The timeline twin did truly sound sorry, which was strange, considering that she usually just sounded grumpy.

“Oh… it’s fine…”

For once, it was Adrien who sounded grumpy. The snake concentrated further to see that they were in some kind of dark, cold tavern, late at night, nothing but flickering candles on the walls lighting up the room, the howling of the wind outside louder than anything else. Perhaps it was still on the steppe somewhere. Wherever it was, it looked very… commoner.

“Master Fu? What are you doing here with him?!”

Master Fu was sitting at the same table as Adrien, his turtle at his side looking very odd in a fluffy turtle-size coat. “I have some important news to give him, news I would have given him at his oracle session if he had been there. It could mean the difference between life and death, so it really couldn’t wait. I set out from school to find him as soon as I could.”

“Oh… am I interrupting or something? I’m sorry, I just… I’ve been looking for Adrien for ages, and finally someone said he would be here, so…”

“Why were you looking for me?” Adrien asked, still grumpy.

“Because I shouldn’t have abandoned you in the first place! It was mean! And I miss you! And I miss everyone and everything, so I came back, and this time I’m actually gonna help. I promise.”

Adrien was silent in thought for a few seconds before answering. “Well thanks for coming back. But I don’t really know how you can help anything. I can never go home, and I hate it out here, and this thing keeps happening where I just keep breaking things when I’m in a bad mood… not on purpose! I’m not destroying things! I just lay one finger on something while having negative thoughts, and it crumbles… watch this…”

He frowned in concentration and then put his hands around the mug on the table in front of him. Within a few seconds it shattered into fine dust.

“See? I’m all messed up. The commoners are calling me a sorcerer, a bad omen, things like that. Maybe they’re right. I can never be an imperial prince again, not with dark powers like these.”

“Um… this may not be the right thing to say, but that was literally the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, so…”

Master Fu cleared his throat. “This is actually what I have come to talk about. Alix, take a seat. If you’re going to help Adrien then you may as well hear all this too.”

She sat down at the table.

“Alright. Adrien, your powers are not inherently good or bad. They are simply powers, and it is what you choose to do with them that makes all the difference. There is nothing wrong with you for having powers of destruction. It is your superpower, and you are only just beginning to discover it.”

Adrien seemed ever so slightly less grumpy now. “So these aren’t dark powers? They’re… superpowers?”

“Yes. An incredibly strong superpower too, and lethal when in the wrong hands. If you want to be able to control your power properly, the wisest course of action is for you to find your guardian animal. Unfortunately, your guardian animal is in a dangerous place right now.”

“Where? Is it going to die? Will I die too? What animal is it?”

“You must return to school and find Count Wayhem. He can give your guardian animal to you.”

“Return to school?” Adrien’s face fell. “But I’m not a royal anymore, and if my father finds out, I don’t know what he’ll do… maybe he’ll lock me up again or something, but in real prison this time…”

“It is up to you whether you return or not. But don’t forget – your superpower is extraordinary. I’m sure even locked bars wouldn’t be able to keep you, if that’s where your father would put you.”

“You’re right…” His voice had a little more resolve in it now. “If my superpower is destruction, then surely I can escape from anywhere? I suppose that means… that means my father isn’t a threat to me anymore. And – and I can return to school. Right?”

Fu shrugged. “Again, it’s your decision.”

“Yes, I should go back to school! At least to get my guardian animal, if nothing else, so then I can keep it safe. And maybe I can properly confront my father this time. Though technically speaking, I am a commoner, so I don’t know if I can ever be let back into the imperial court…”

“I have some other news too,” Fu said. “The new Empress Chloé of Bourgeois has officially cut ties with the Agreste Empire.”

“What?! Chloé’s the empress?!”

“Yes. It seems the news has not reached this remote barren area yet. But with her cutting ties, it has made your father very angry. He has lost his biggest ally, and he still wants to conquer the world that hates him so much. An emperor backed into a corner is very likely to lash out, to make irrational decisions. In a way, he is more dangerous now in this unpredictable, weakened state than he has ever been. If anyone can stop him it is you. His son. The one person who may be able to make him see reason.”

Adrien sighed – not a resigned one, but an angry, exasperated one. “He won’t see reason! He never has, no matter how much I tried. But I suppose I’ll have to go stop him somehow. Someone has to. I’ll go back to school, I’ll get my guardian animal, then I’ll set my sights on the Agreste Empire and find a way to get it back, perhaps from school itself since that seems a bit safer…”

“Good. You must be careful, though. It is a tragedy that the fate of so many people rest on the shoulders of a few teenagers. Your decisions can literally change the world. Choose wisely.”

“I… I will.” Adrien turned to Alix. “You’ll come with me, right? Back to school?”

She nodded. “Yeah, guess I will. There’s a lot of people I never properly said goodbye to. And then maybe I’ll see if I can get my own country back somehow…”

“Thank you. I’m glad you came back.”

“You’re just being polite. I know you’re still mad at me.”

“Maybe a little…” He hugged her. “But I really am happy that you’re here. Anyway, we should set out tomorrow morning. It’ll take a few weeks to get to school, won’t it? We have to get there before Count Wayhem leaves for summer.”

“Take care,” Fu warned. “The Bourgeois Empire has not fully adjusted to its new leader yet. It is still on the brink of a rebellion, though things are improving. It took a lot of wiles for me to get here, and it may take even more for you to get to school in one piece.”

“Thanks for telling us all this,” Adrien said. “We won’t let you down.”

“Good. I’m sure I’ll see you again someday…”

The snake snapped out of his reverie, back to the spring dance that was occurring right in front of him. Whoa… so Adrien had superpowers too? It seemed to be a common thing amongst those with a royal bloodline. Huh, maybe that was why those people had ancestors who were chosen to be royalty in the first place. And Adrien’s guardian animal was most certainly Plagg, Wayhem’s old pet cat.

“Dude, you just saw all that too, right?” Alix said to him – the real Alix, from this timeline, whose arm he was wrapped around. “You know what this means, don’t you? It means that Fu probably went to visit Adrien in this timeline too – he’s probably in Cheng telling him all this superpower stuff right now! And that means – that means – oh I gotta find Marinette!”

He was not entirely sure what any of this had to do with Marinette, but he did not question it for now. Surely Alix would explain soon.

After questioning several nobles they finally found Marinette outside the hall in the cool night air, already heading back to her dorm.

“Marinette!” Alix called, running up to her. “You can’t go back to Cheng! You have to stay here! It’s important!”

Marinette turned around, confused. “Huh? What? Why?”

“I just saw a thing in another timeline – Fu’s gone to visit Adrien and tell him he’s got superpowers, powerful enough to defeat his evil dad probably, or something like that. And so that must have happened in this timeline too. Which means Adrien is gonna leave Cheng and make his way back here! So if you go back to Cheng, you’ll miss him halfway, and then you said you might get stuck there, but he’ll be here, and oh god I’m explaining this really badly I’m sorry.”

“Um…” Marinette blinked a few times. “You’re saying that Adrien has superpowers, and is going to use them to come back to school and confront his father, so I should stay here? Or at least just go to Dupain for the holidays?”

“Yes.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you for telling me. I’d better do that, then.” She smiled. “I’ve got superpowers too, you know. Maybe I can help him.” With that, she turned and walked away.

So even Marinette had superpowers? Who didn’t at this point??? Maybe everyone secretly did.

“You know, pal,” Alix said to the snake, giving him a stroke, “I get the feeling we just changed the course of history. Do you feel that too?”

Oddly enough, he got what she meant. Something important had just happened, in all the timelines, though it was impossible to describe how or why. Something big was brewing on the horizon. Supposedly the dreaded timeline split could happen at any moment between now and the summer holidays, and it was suddenly seeming closer than ever before.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Fake dating begins!

Janis: Grace wants to buy you a coffee for being such a gent. Janis: If I was you I'd have a freebie black and charge it to her tab. Her and her cronies are in there enough, and it'll save you having to endure a frappe/her and said giggling gal pals. Jimmy: Me and her or a group hang with the BBs for the 'gram? Jimmy: 👍I did that last week and the one before Janis: Depends. She obvs wants alone time with you but she's never passed up a #goals photo-op in her life, so. Janis: Can't be freeing the nip on Insta but maybe she's got a private snapchat she wants to whore out, you'll be well in then 👍 Janis: Christ. Good to know not ALL her money goes on Brazilian blow-outs, she's also topping up the salary of every hot barista in town, what a philanthropist she is, amongst other less favourable titles. Jimmy: If you can be arsed to 3rd wheel this I'll shout you something from the secret menu Jimmy: Which exists swear down and isn't just a invite to my snapchat Jimmy: Why am I worried Brazilian blow outs is a way bigger euphemism any day Janis: Hmm. As much as I try to avoid spending ANY time with Grace, for obvious reasons as you well know, it could be pretty amusing to see her make such a twat out of herself. And it would piss her off if I gatecrashed...Fuck it, I'm in. Janis: Don't get any ideas about making some taboo twin content though, lad, that only happens in the minds of pervy porn execs, and in weird old lady novels from the 80s. Janis: Lol. Yeah, it ain't a Cavante special. Its to make her look MORE white, funnily enough. As if the coffee habits and UGGs weren't making her a literal meme for the cause already. Jimmy: I'd rather down a strawberry açaí refresher with coconut milk every time Grace makes a gaff, which funnily enough is what necking with your sister's tall mate tastes like, than get sandwiched between the two of you Jimmy: I'd shout her a flat white if she'd get the joke though. One for each of them Jimmy: 😩 Janis: OMG, girl code, Grace sooooo saw you first, Tammy is gonna be out on her flat white arse when Gracie finds out, like 💀 Janis: The feeling's mutual, dickhead. Wouldn't put it past my sister though, she's more obsessed with me than she'd EVER be with you. 🤢 At least she'll be moving on when you finally give in and give it to her, I've got a life fucking sentence, mate. ⚰ Jimmy: OMG Minnie (??? Isn't that her name maybe) launched herself at me first and I'd be out on my penniless arse if I'd let her crack on over the counter ⛔ Jimmy: I like my encounters with a little less ego it's no crime. Or slight on you, mate. Jimmy: I'll tell Gracie that if she ever lets me get a word in. Janis: Fuck knows. All look the same to me. Ironic if it is, though, fucking jolly green giantess. Janis: And soz but sexual assault ain't no crime either when you're them though, they're just being #girlbosses swear down garda 💋 Janis: Good luck with that one, kid. Even if she gives you the chance, she won't be listening. Fucks with the fairytale where you shut the fuck up and carry her bags 'cept to call her pretty once in a while for said ego's boost. 🙊🙉 Janis: oh, and look good in the 'gram, standard. Jimmy: Could be what the lads call her... whoops Jimmy: Damn. I'll have to spoil her fun by letting it be known I've got myself a girl already. 🎻 Shame it'll take me years to find one who can stand the interrogation 💔 Jimmy: Gotta get Cass to keep her ear low. Effort. Janis: The 'lad's' secret is safe with me, the 'girls' are hardly likely to listen and I'm even less likely to bother to tell 'em. She'd just think #pussygamestrong 'neway so I ain't giving the bint that unwarrant stroke when you've all already been there, done that. Sloppy. Janis: Woe is, lad. Like everyone ain't on your dick rn 'cos you got that shiny, new appeal. Just pick one that ain't TOTALLY unbearable- ah, I see your problem. Janis: Sadly, I can't help, I ain't the massive lezza you've no doubt heard from the lads and girls alike that I am. Janis: Slim pickings either way you swinging, you see. Jimmy: You can help me then. Go on. Think how mad it'd make Gracie if nuffin' else Jimmy: Counter distance between us at all times if you want Janis: Aside from pissing off my sister, which I'm more than capable of by me larry, what's in it for me? You get her off your dick and back into Costa to cry it out, like Jimmy: Freebies of any of Common Grounds finest where you can also hang without her and her hangers on Jimmy: Semi trained mutt if I can wrench it from my sisters grasping hands? Jimmy: Plus an end to the rumors if you're arsed about that. You said yourself I've got the newbie appeal Janis: Alright, alright, you had me at dog! Janis: I won't deprive your sister but I could do with an AM running partner who can keep up. I'll wear it out and have it back to you at the end of your morning shift, before she's even had her weetabix or found her school tie. Deal? Janis: I'm down for writing our own rumours, why the fuck not, eh Jimmy: Done. Her name's Twix and she's as annoying as the name makes her sound. Jimmy: Get ready for rumors about how many bodies she's buried for you after all the holes dug Janis: Cute. And I'm sure I've dealt with worse bitches, I'm up for the challenge. 💪 Janis: Its always the dog walkers init, suspicious cunts. Jimmy: Yeah, and if you wanna bury a few of 'em yourself I'll keep my lips sealed Jimmy: Tomorrow too soon? Janis: Good man, you will if you know what's good for you. Janis: Though, not too sealed, gotta set this dump's/my sister's world alight, like, and I don't think that's happening if we just hold hands. 😲 Janis: Nah, I'm ready. Only thing I got scheduled is double chem and that can always do with livening up. Janis: How you wanna do this, lover boy? Jimmy: Point taken. I better work on my angles too. For the 'gram. Jimmy: With minimal cliches if that can even be a thing round 'ere Jimmy: Probably wouldn't believe it without 100s would they Janis: You best, I don't know how to work facetime, you've got the wrong twin there. Janis: Well, I could oh-so casually ask Grace if her and the bitch squad are going for coffee on the way home from hell (as if they don't every fucking day) and she will be buzzin' thinking I wanna come 'cos she's always asking/attempting to drag me like she's on a mission from the coffee bean gods Janis: Then we can be there, together, oh-so casually again Janis: Aside from sucking face on the playground (which is a little first school, even for these hoes) its the best way to get max attention and thus the rumour mill will do the rest Jimmy: Make sure Tall Tammy's at the back. Can't have Grace missing it Jimmy: See if you can get one of them to spill coffee on you too. Everyone loves a heroic gesture and a clothes share 😏 Janis: 😂 Brilliant. Janis: Assuming Grace doesn't straight up throw it at me, I'll be sure to make that happen. Janis: I'll probably come chat to you at lunch tomorrow too. Can't have this springing out of nowhere, like, how implausible! 😏 You hang with Sean Bryne and that atm, yeah? Jimmy: Yeah we'll be in the smoking spot if not our usual corner Jimmy: I'll slide into the seat beside you the period after make it look like we got it really bad 💘 Janis: 👍 twos up on the ☠ 🚬 then, lad. what could be more romantic? Janis: good thinking, grace is in that class too and she's hopeless with maths so she won't be paying the slightest bit of attention to anything but the absolute scandal Jimmy: What should I call you so you don't wanna punch me in the dick as soon as I go in for a pet name? Janis: Eurgh, good shout, even if it is just to save your own bollocks, can't blame a boy. I don't fucking know, what's not vomit-inducing but also #couplegoals enough to make it worth the hassle? Janis: Blah, just remember my name, yeah, that'll have 'em creaming. Such courtesies are not often extended their way, like. Jimmy: Deal. And I'll # everything #JJ so you can block it from your feed easy Janis: Solid. Janis: Imma take a picture with your dog tomorrow, it best be fucking cute. Jimmy: [Takes a selfie with Twix and sends it] Do you? Jimmy: Not my #goals but should spark jealousy with the intended Janis: Cute. Janis: The dog ain't bad either. 😉 Janis: I'm getting in practice Jimmy: I'll do mine in the comments when it's posted Jimmy: How keen is cringe in the eyes of Gracie and her friends? Janis: You're asking a mouthful there. If you're too nice, they'll say you're boring. But they've gotta at least pretend they're feminists in this day and age so if you are too full of the bants and low-key treating me like shit, they're gonna have to pretend they ain't here for that even though that's every boyf they've ever had, na'mean? Janis: Just say something confusingly inappropriate for what is not gonna be a hot pic, isn't that how you lads do? Janis: I'll set you up with a lame caption Jimmy: Thanks. There's back room access in it for you Jimmy: Again not a private snapchat invite Janis: Steady on there, not until the 3rd date, at least! 😂 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Seriously though. You're not as much of a bitch as everyone says. Nice one. Janis: Well, don't be spreading that backhander about, will ya? Janis: You've got a rep to make, that's a bit of mine I'd like to protect Jimmy: 🤐