#man i really need to research more wiccan stuff for this school

[thenakedgingerwrites]

The Love Potion

I had accepted that I was gay around freshman year of high school but had never come out. Now a Junior in college, the only sexual experience I had with a man was letting a guy blow me drunkenly at a random house party. Luckily none of our friends overlapped and a word of the encounter was never uttered. However, it made me crave a man that much more. All that to say, I was a convincing straight guy. Most of my friends were guys, and my closest friends were all guys from my high school football team. Most of them stayed in town to go to the local university like myself, so we stayed close. There were pros and cons to that but the major con was losing the ability to experiment and find my true sexuality without the fear of being rejected by my previous 'life.' My risk aversion was subsiding though. Partly due to the blowjob I got a couple months ago, but mainly due to Ben.

After dorms, a few of my friends got a house together near campus. It was a 5 bedroom house and worked perfectly for us. That is until one of our buddies, for a few personal reasons, dropped out and moved back home with his parents. Luckily we were able to find a couple dudes via craigslist that needed a room for the rest of the year, Ben being one of them. There was another guy that was actually the better candidate between the two, but I had pushed that we give the room to Ben. My friends didn't put up too much of a fuss or pry as to why I think he was the right choice, which I'm grateful for. I don't know how they would have taken my rationale being he was incredibly hot. When I first met Ben that day he was wearing khaki shorts that hugged his thighs and huge bubble butt and a varsity T that molded around his rounded, muscular body. Ben was short, maybe 5'8" or so. Definitely the stocky-muscle type of guy, but had maybe been drinking a little more than he should and going to the gym less. What it created was a slightly curvy but still very attractive body, from what I could tell. His face was his best quality though. Everything about him was puppy dog. He had doughy eyes, pouty lips, and an adorable button nose. Short crew cut and the hint of a shoulder tattoo later, I was lusting for him hard. After he moved in, my fantasies didn't exactly come to fruition as I had imagined. The "bump into him after a shower and his towel falls" scenario didn't happen, and he unfortunately wasn't a guy that liked to get naked for the humor factor as some of my other friends were. He did drink a lot which was maybe a gateway opportunity, but our friend circles were different. I tried to make connections but due to my hidden motives, I would always second guess myself or get too nervous. He was becoming more and more a roommate, and less and less a sex toy. And then one day, during lunch with another one of our roommates, he shared that he was super superstitious. He believed in a natural medicines too. His mom was apparently Wiccan, and although he didn't latch on to the religious side of his mother's beliefs he did believe in 'herbal magic' as he called it. We made fun of him a bit and the three of us laughed it off. The cogs had begun to wirr in my mind though. I could use this, but how? A week of googling and research led me to the idea of a love potion. There were a few different recipes or 'spells' or whatever online, and the lust was clouding my judgement as to whether this was a sound idea or not. There was a moment of doubt during the week but after Ben came in from a run, sweaty and shirtless, his round pecs and keg-abs in perfect view, I was able to wave away any hesitation. It took another week for Ben and I to be the only guys in the house for the evening, and it was now or never. I knocked on his door. There was some rustling, but opened it shortly after. He was already in 'pajamas' which consisted of loose basketball shorts and a tight t-shirt with the words "All American" written on them. "Hey, Matt. What's up?" He asked, leaning on his door frame. I was nervous, but needed to be the perfect actor tonight. "I have a.. er.. well a really random question. And it's kind of stupid." He chuckled a bit. "Okay, shoot." "You mentioned your mom the other week, and it got me curious." "Oh god," he started, rolling his eyes, "I promise I'm not a crazy person." I quickly stopped him. "No, no! That's not what I meant. See, there's this girl in my finance course that I've been crushing on hard. We've talked a few times but I don't know if she's interested. I did some googling and it looks like there's this... Wiccan love potion.." Ben's eyebrows raised, he was curious and amused. "Go on..." I felt like he was just looking for the opportunity to call me the crazy one and laugh this all off, but I continued. "Well, I'm desperate and thought I'd give it a try but could use your help. I know it's stupid, but what's a little science experiment anyway?" I laughed it off, trying to pretend I didn't really believe it would work. Which I didn't, for the record. "Well I wholly believe in that stuff, man. Herbs can be a powerful thing. They can release all sorts of chemicals in your mind to mimic emotions like love, fear, happiness, yadda yadda. Did you get a recipe for it?" I mocked a bit, "Wait, you don't have a family secret there?" We both laughed. "I do actually, and I think I have all I need but wanted you to sanity check it. See if it seems bogus." He agreed, and we went up to my room. I closed the door behind us, while unnecessary it seemed more intimate for me and try my plan. So far it was working, but the real test was yet to come. I shared the ingredients and steps I found online, and he agreed with what it was saying. Rosemary brings out this feeling, and this herb reduces inhibitions, and blah blah crazy person talk. It could have actually been a turn off, but even if I didn't believe an ounce of what was coming out of Ben's mouth he sure did know a lot about this voodoo science. And that was impressive on it's own. We worked the next 20 minutes or so creating this 'love potion.' There were a few electric moments for me like when he would help me grind an herb down and our hands would touch, or he would read out the next step and layer in his own 'professional' opinion. At one point, when he was sitting on the ground with his knees up, his shorts slid up his thigh so much that I wondered if he was even wearing underwear. The thoughts were setting me ablaze inside. When it was finally done, he explained the last steps. "So, you basically just need to add a piece of your hair to some of this, and then somehow get her to drink it." "And then what?" "I guess just wait? I'm not really sure how this concoction will work, it could affect anyone differently." Now to setup my plan. "Now I just need to find a clever way to get her to drink some random, greenish liquid. And it won't even work anyway." "Don't question the juice man, this stuff has enough herbs to turn her on to a cactus." He seemed so serious. "I just wish there was a way to test it. Well, you believe it will work so strongly how about you drink a swig. If you try and kiss me after then I'll know it's legit." Ben just laughed. "If only you could be so lucky!" I pushed it, "No really. You can prove to me that it's real. The effect is only supposed to be temporary right?" Ben got a tad more serious. "Matt, I know it will work. You're the one doubting my skills man." "Okay, you're right. I don't think this can work. I hoped it would, but this shit would be in stores everywhere if it really did." I started to ham up my disappointment. "I don't think the FDA would let it get to there. Plus most people are huge skeptics like you, so no one would buy into it." I looked into his eyes to hold a stare for a beat. "You really do believe in this stuff don't you?" "I do. Well, not all of the Wiccan stuff, but herbs and spices are just science. No need to believe anything." I got some confidence up, acting of course, and wagered with him. "Okay fine, I'll test it out." "With who?" Ben asked, admittedly he actually looked confused. Adorable. "You." He furrowed his eyebrows. "That's not funny, Matt." "No, really. No offense, I don't think I'm going to suck your face after taking a swig of this but I'm willing to take that chance." He chuckled, "that's a risky bet." "I don't think we're eye-to-eye on the odds here Ben." I chuckled back to him. He sighed. "Okay, well don't blame me when you think I'm a total hottie." "Don't worry," I sarcastically retorted, "I won't." Ben took a tiny scoop of the liquid into a measuring cup and plucked out a hair from his head. "You want me to drink your hair?!" I feigned minor disgust. "It need's some DNA. I could put some earwax in there if you'd prefer." I stuck my tongue out and agreed that the hair would suffice. "On second thought..." Ben put the cup down and stood up. He reached into his shorts, to my excitement but composed an expression of confusion, and winced a bit. Removing his hand from his crotch region, he held onto a single pube. He grinned. "Seriously dude, fuck you! I'm not eating your pube. Now I know this is a crock of shit." I didn't know how far to push my aversion but was still afraid of being outed by not having a big enough reaction. "This potion is rooted in sexual urges, and so a hair more closely rooted to sexual connotations should be more potent. You're not scared now are you?" Ben teased. "Scared of choking to death on one of your smelly pubes? Yeah." He held the hair up to his nose and took an exaggerated inhale. "It's not smelly." "Ugh." I rolled my eyes and pretended to dry heave. "You better not tell a soul about this." He mimed his other hand zipping his lips. I sighed, "fine give me your damn pube water potion." "Let me remind you this was your idea." "yeah, yeah yeah..." He added the tiny dark blonde hair into the cup and swirled it around a bit then handed it to me. "Bon appetite," he cheerfully said as he handed me the cup. I took it down in one quick gulp and followed with a few swigs of water we had nearby. It tasted like old rainwater some leaves have been decaying in. "Did it taste romantic?" Ben asked. "It tasted like dead raccoon, but that probably just your pube." We both laughed at the situation. The next minute we sat silently waiting for something to happen. I asked when I would feel this magical urge to kiss him and he shrugged. Works different on every person he said again. "Well, I don't think I find you super sexy. Sorry to ruin your night Ben." "Oh shut up, it's only been a minute. Let's play a game. Simon says." "Seriously?" he lost me. "One of the effects of the potion is that you should be willing to be persuaded by me much easier. What's one thing you would never do, even if I asked you to?" "Ben, I'm not sucking your dick. Sorry bud." Again we both laughed. He continued. "I'm not thinking anything that extreme, but good to know. Me either. Try this, stand up." I got up while acting like I was being pulled up by some ghost. "Oh my god Ben, you're a voodoo god!" "I really am," he said, amused. "Now spin around." I did as was told, still hamming it up. "Jump. Touch your toes. Blink your eyes. Pinch yourself." He had me do routine, mundane tasks for a couple minutes. I stopped pretending a ghost was manipulating me at some point and just did as I was told, kind of forgetting what was going on. Then finally he told me to take off my pants. It snapped me back to consciousness. I pushed back against the command accusing him of just wanting to see my dick and called him a perv. He said, "no, no. Just your sweatpants, you goof." Somehow this made it much more palatable and the pants dropped immediately. I stood there in my t-shirt and boxer briefs staring at Ben for my next move. He stood up, walked over to my bed and plopped down face first. He told me to give him a back massage. I no longer really knew what was me and what was the potion, but I honestly didn't care. I got up on the bed and straddled him. After a few minutes of massaging his back he told me to take off his shirt. I did, then continued the massage. His skin was so smooth and soft under my hands. My own butt resting on his was starting to pool blood to my crotch. "Massage my ass" and I did. I shifted down lower and began to knead his huge bubble butt through his shorts. A minute of this and he told me to strip him completely. He helped a little by arching his back, but the shorts quickly peeled down off his legs revealing his succulent globes just asking for my hands. The massage continued and I enjoyed every second of it. His ass was so warm to my cool hands. It was lightly dusted in dark blond hair but not really hairy like some of the guys I'd see in the locker room. It was definitely the biggest though. As I kneaded his butt, I would get more daring with my movements. I would get closer to his crack but the move away. Timid. I began to turn my kneading movements into spreading ones, exposing his hole a little more each time. My thumbs would rub inward towards his hole when I spread his cheeks. It started subtle, I think, but at some point became very deliberately sexual. I had almost touched his little dark rosebud when he said, "Yep, you're gay for me right now." Startled, I jumped off him and stammered my protest. He rolled his head over and laughed. "It's okay dude, it's the potion. I won't tell anyone." I reiterated, "I"m not gay for you dude. I was just giving you a massage, that's not gay." He looked down, "Your boner begs to differ." I followed his eyes and saw my cock stretching against the elastic of my boxer briefs, slightly peeking above the band. I covered up my shame. "I"m not gay" I said again. "I know, Matt. But for the sake of our deal, I've gotta do this." I was about to ask “do what?” but he beat me to it. He turned over to reveal his semi-hard cock and balls, nestled in a light patch of dark blonde hair. "Suck my dick." I instantly remembered that when I drank the potion this is exactly what I said I wouldn't do. However at this point Ben seemed confident that the potion was in complete control and I could finally live out my fantasy without any repercussion. I didn't hesitate. I got back on the bed and shoved my face into his crotch. I hadn't sucked a cock before, and honestly hadn't even been this close to another dick in my life. Ben wasn't fully hard yet, but I could already tell he was bigger than me. Probably only about 6 or 7 inches long like me but much thicker. His balls were larger too. I wondered how I would fit it in my mouth if it kept growing but accepted the challenge. I used one hand to guide his member into my mouth. I only took a couple inches in to wet it with saliva. He tasted so good. Slightly salty but a pretty neutral flavor overall. For some reason I had imagined a cock would taste just like what cum smelled like. I was happy to see it was far less extreme. As I whetted him fully and began to pump him while I swirled my tongue around his head, Ben began to get audible. He started with just some sighs and moans, but quickly began to give me specific directions. "Jack me harder, lick my shaft, suck my balls, swirl your tongue, deep throat me." His hands began to guide my head as well. I gladly took the direction. He had gotten fully erect by now. I came up for air to admire his cock. I was right about it's size. It may even be a bit shorter than mine, but boy was it thick. Although it realistically couldn't have been as thick as a soda can, it looked like it without a direct comparison. "Don't stop Matt!" Ben looked down at me during my break and quickly got me back on task. I sucked and pumped him but I wanted a little more. I took a creative liberty and started to trail my mouth downward. I had seen in hundreds of porn clips guys eating out another guy's ass. I'd never had it done to me to validate if it felt as good as porn made it seem, but wanted to test it out on Ben. I don't think the thought would have crossed his mind, but once I began sucking on his taint and still moved south he got the hint and silently complied. Ben arched back and raised his legs and ass up into the air. I kept one hand firmly around his cock and jacked him off as my tongue made it's fast approach to Ben's virgin asshole. The taste was unique. He had clearly showered some point in the evening, but still I thought it would taste a little like, well, shit. I was delighted to discover it didn't. It almost tasted like a sweet cologne. There was a musky quality but also a sweet aroma. I mimicked all the actions I'd seen in porn. I licked his hole, spat on it, sucked on it. Ben seemed to like just the simple lick the most, and so I focused on that. It didn't take long into this new experience for him to reach climax. His breathing began to speed up and he breathed/growled, "I'm gonna cum." I had a conflict of interest. I had never seen another guy cum in real life, and wanted to watch him erupt all over himself for my viewing pleasure. I also had never tasted another man's cum before, and the thought of taking his explosion into my mouth was incredibly hot too. It was a split second decision, but I threw his hips back down to the bed and wrapped my lips around his cock. Ben tried to push my head off him and breathed a "no, you don't have.." but I swatted him away and brought him to the point of orgasm. He went past the moan decibel and actually yelled in pleasure as he erupted into the back of my throat. The warm, sticky liquid shot ribbon after ribbon against the back of my mouth. I attempted to swallow between bursts but turns out swallowing when there's a cock in your mouth is hard or at least it was for me, so some of his seed dripped out of my mouth and down his shaft. I milked every ounce out of him, and even squeezed his cock like a toothpaste tube to get the last few drops. Ben's intensely tense, and sweaty body turned to putty after a few shudders. I sucked on his cock for another minute or so as it waned in my mouth. Finally accepting that my fun was done for the night, I let it pop out of my mouth. Ben arched up on his elbows. "You have a nice dick." I said, smiling. He chuckled, "that's the potion talking, but thanks." The potion. I had forgotten. Ben read the look but mistook it for more of a panic. He leaned up and grabbed his shorts from the floor, quickly slipping them on. Grabbing his shirt he said, "I should go take a shower. I'm really sorry about this." I tried to stop him but he was out my door and down the stairs in a blink. I just laid there on my bed staring up at the ceiling. My first time sucking a cock was amazing, and of all people it was with Ben: my ultimate fantasy man. I heard the water turn on from the shower the floor below, and took the opportunity to finally pleasure myself. I imagined Ben in the shower and replayed the last hour in my head. I came with more force and volume than I had, maybe ever. I cleaned myself and my room up, and waited to walk down and approach Ben. I finally got the courage a couple hours later but when I approached his room I could tell the lights were off and turned back. I'm not sure if I'd ever get that chance again with Ben. One thing for sure though, I was 100% addicted to dick and needed more. I had lived 21 years without it and had all that time to make up for. How I was going to get it, would be another adventure.

[the--blackdahlia]

Shake if Off Chapter 1 (Dean x Reader)

Title: Shake if Off

Summary:  The reader decides to get rid of the Mark of Cain for Dean using witchcraft, not realizing what she's getting herself into.

Warnings: None for this chapter

AN: Alternate look at how Dean gets rid of the Mark.

Dean and Sam were too busy to really notice. They were both trying to find ways to free Dean from the Mark. They didn’t notice all the packages she was suddenly getting in the mail, or how she would disappear for hours on end or would be having hush hush Skype calls in one of the unused rooms of the bunker. She was glad their minds were on something else. She knew that if they found out what she was up to, they would try to stop her.

 “Are you sure this will work?” (Y/n) asked as she set across the desk from Beatrice Clarke. The witch was making notes in a small notebook that (Y/n) had brought with her, in order to make sure that she had everything that she needed.

 “I’m pretty sure.” Beatrice said. “I’ve never had to remove the Mark of Cain from someone before, so…”

 “First time for everything.” (Y/n) laughed some. Beatrice was an old friend from school, and while she was just a Wiccan, she figured that she could help her out with some witchcraft and a little hoodoo. This was her best shot.

 “This Dean, he really does mean a lot to you if you’re willing to do all this.” Beatrice said, checking over all the ingredients that (Y/n) had brought with her to her home. (Y/n) smiled softly.

 “Yeah he does.” She said, playing with the bracelet he had gotten for her for her birthday. Protective charms and other little things hung on it. It made her feel so safe, feeling that he was right there. But the Dean that was in the bunker wasn’t her Dean. This was someone else wearing his face. And she had to get him back.

 “Well, this is about all I have.” Beatrice slid the notebook over to (Y/n). “Two spells. One to put him to sleep and one to remove the Mark. I think it should work.”

 “And if it doesn’t?” (Y/n) asked. Beatrice had to shrug.

 “I told you I’ve never had to do this before.” She laughed awkwardly. “No matter what happens though, I will be there in an instant if you need back up.” (Y/n) nodded.

 “Thanks Beatrice.” (Y/n) fished out her wallet to pay for the ingredients that Beatrice was giving to her. Her friend shook her head no. “But…”

 “No buts. Just bring your man by for dinner when everything is fixed.” She laughed. (Y/n) smiled.

 “Deal.” She said. She stood up and gathered all her things into her bag before taking a deep breath. “With me luck.”

 “Good luck.” (Y/n) walked out the door. It was too late to back out now.

 ****

She walked into the bunker and the first thing she saw was Sam sitting at a table, reading. She kind of figured he would be there, but had hoped that he wouldn’t. Luckily, she had enough of the ingredients for the sleep spell to cover both of them. She just hoped that Cas didn’t show up in the middle of everything and stop her.

 “Hey Sam.” She said, taking her grocery bag of items into the kitchen.

 “Oh, hey (y/n). Where have you been? I really could’ve used your help on the research end of things.” Sam said, barely looking up at her. She sighed some.

 “Oh I had a couple errands to run.” She said. She pulled out the premade pie that she had bought at the store. She crushed the ingredients for the sleep spell and mixed them together, lacing the pie with it. “Hey, I need you to try this pie for me before I give it to Dean. It’s supposed to have added veggies in it and I want to make sure he can’t taste it.” Sam laughed some.

 “Sure (Y/n).” he said. Her hands were shaking some as she cut him a piece of the laced by and took it to him, watching him take a bite. She waited, seeing if he would say anything about the funny taste that she was sure accompanied the pie.

 “So, what do you think?” She asked.

 “It’s, different.” He said, swallowing his bite. “What is this pie called?” He looked up at her with half lidded eyes. She smiled softly.

 “Somnus.” She whispered. Sam dropped his fork and went limp in his seat. His eyes closed and he started to fall forward. (Y/n) caught him as he started to fall and helped him gently lay his head on the table. She played with his hair for a second. “I’m sorry Sam.” She said before going and getting Dean a piece.

 She slowly walked down the hall towards the library, where Dean had been living pretty much, trying to find out anything about the Mark. While Sam had taken to translating texts, Dean took to read the already English ones. He was sitting on the couch when she walked in. He looked up at her and smiled. She hadn’t seen him smile in a while. It almost made her want to cancel her plans.

 “Earth to (y/n).” Dean said, waving his arm. (Y/n) snapped out of her world and looked at him and saw the Mark on his arm.

 “Huh?” She asked. Dean set his stuff down and waved her over to him. She walked over and set down by him.

 “Are you okay?” Dean asked. She just nodded her head, setting the pie down in his lap. “Mmm, pie.” He chuckled. “Want a bite?”

 “I’m okay. I already ate some.” She said. “That’s all yours.” Dean’s smile widened more and he took a huge bite of it as she whispered “Somnus” in his ear. Dean’s eyes rolled back and he fell over onto a pillow. (Y/n) stood up and helped him straighten out on the couch. She could at least try to make him comfortable. She wasn’t sure if this was going to hurt or not.

 (Y/n) headed back to the kitchen, passing by Sam who was currently snoring and laying in a puddle of drool. She grabbed the vial of stuff that she had already put together at Beatrice’s house. She held it in her hand and closed her eyes. It was supposed to remove curses. The two women knew that for sure. But outside of that, (y/n) had no idea what the side effects could be. Would it hurt him? Would it hurt her? She didn’t know.

 “You can do this.” She told herself as she walked back to the library. Dean was fast asleep on the couch, the am with the Mark hanging over the edge. (Y/n) made her way over to him, kissing his forehead. “It’ll be okay Dean. I promise.”

 She knelt on the floor and gently rang her fingers on the scare that was the Mark of Cain. She could feel the heat coming off of it, the biting hate. Carefully, she poured the liquid onto his arm, the Mark glowing as it came in contact with it. She pulled out the notebook, finding the right spell, then placed her hand over the Mark.

 “Remove this curse, set this soul free.” She mumbled a couple times, sometimes in English, sometimes in Latin. Suddenly, it felt like her hand was stuck to Dean’s arm. Angry, red lines spread from him to her, crawling up her arm. She cried out in pain as she tried to pull away, but only was she able to once the lines disappeared. She fell back away from Dean. And she had to smile when she saw the Mark was gone from his arm.

 “It’s over.” She laughed, until she felt a burning from her own arm. Shakily, she lifted it, only to see the Mark there, mocking her.

 “What did you do?” A voice said. (Y/n) looked up to see Cas standing there. “(Y/n)!”

 “I had to.” She whispered, looking from the sleeping Dean to Cas. “And I have to leave now.”

 “You have to tell him what you did.” Cas said, but she shook her head.

 “I have to leave. He can’t find me. I don’t know what will happen.” She stood. “Send me someplace far away.” She said as she went to pack some of her things.

 “But…” Cas said, following her. Suddenly, there was a spring of anger and she turned to glare at Cas.

 “I know what I need to do.” She snapped at him. “Now you do what I tell you to.” Cas sighed. “And if Dean and Sam show up at my doorstep, I will kill you so fast that you won’t know what hit you.” Cas didn’t say anything, but she knew he understood. “Send me far away Cas.” She took off her bracelet Dean had gave her. “And give him this. Maybe he won’t look for me then.”

 “You know he will.” Cas told her. She shrugged.

 “Good luck to him.” Cas touched her forehead then and she disappeared. He stood in the doorway of the library, looking at sleeping Dean.

 “He is going to kill me.” Cas whispered before heading off to wake up the brothers.

Tag List: @petrovadixon @amazingmontse @soobi89 @smoothdogsgirl @castielspahdehrah @policeofficerdean

[autumngracy]

can i just say that i appreciat that ur open about ur atheism? i've been an atheist for around a decade but the majority of my friends including ppl that i'm pretty close w/ are very religious and i've always been a little scared to tell them that i'm atheist. i don't want them to think less of me for it. so i really, really appreciate ur courage about your beliefs.

Oh, man, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I still feel uncomfortable telling people too, sometimes, because I don’t know how they’ll take it. Console yourself, at least, that even if they did reject that aspect of you, it only indicates that they are closed-minded, and not that there is something wrong with you. It’s more of a “their problem, not yours” kind of thing, but I know it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way when you’re the one facing the consequences.

Like a lot of other things, visibility is critical for acceptance and understanding. So I’ve been trying to be more blaséabout stuff lately (mental illness, sexuality, political opinions, etc). Even so, religion is the one thing that remains very hard for me to discuss with people! Especially because of how complicated things actually are for me.

(this got long, so, uh, ramble under the cut)

I was raised Methodist. My dad taught an adult version of Sunday school. My family was religious, but only in an observational sense, and a “I’ll pray for people” sense, not in like a bigoted or strict way. Very casual stuff.

But even then I was afraid to question things openly. It’s very ironic how you can have people who really don’t read their own holy texts, or really know very much about their own religion, but who will snap and defend it tooth and nail when (deeply) questioned on stuff like logic, even when they’re clearly not 100% sure what they’re defending. And that’s just the laid-back types. God help you (haha) if you actually try to have a meaningful theological conversation with a born-again, literalist type.

My brother became an atheist at some point early on, and I always had a vague disquiet about observing certain religious things, or the stories we were supposed to believe. I like knowing the reasons behind everything, so even as a kid I hunted for facts and origins of stuff. Simply through researching the origins of modern holiday traditions I ended up finding paganism, and for many, many years quietly sought information about many different sides/types of religion.

When I was doing this it felt extremely taboo, because I approached it with a willingly open mind, and not simply as a Christian. I actually read through the first half of the bible at the ripe old age of like, uh, 13 or 14, trying to better understand the religion–and hilariously THAT was an even bigger factor in me becoming an atheist. Many people share that sentiment, too. When you actually sit down and read the source materials for these things, it just … well. Things become clear.

Anyway. My unease with Abrahamic faiths, and some other major faiths, combined with my curiosity and love of the occult led me to become at first a “Christian Wiccan” (ugh), then (quickly thereafter) just a Wiccan, and then, after a long deliberation, an atheist.

This whole transition was SUPER uncomfortable for multiple reasons. First, I felt uneasy, always looking over my shoulder, you know, either for angry people or an angry god. Secondly, my parents didn’t like it and tried to dissuade me, leading to many awkward conversations. Thirdly, my already atheist brother would express pride in my skepticism but at the same time tell me it was only inevitable that I would become an atheist, mocking me for keeping any ties to religion at all. If he hadn’t been one of those arrogant kind of atheists, and hadn’t made digs at me, I probably would have become an atheist even sooner tbh.

Even so I haven’t exactly severed all ties to tradition. I actually still consider myself an Eclectic Wiccan, but I’m an atheist one (just like how there are atheist Christians, atheist Muslims, etc). I’ve kind of looked at religion as a whole and done a lot of soul searching with it, pulling out what I thought the purpose and sentiment behind the traditions and stories were from multiple cultures (see the “eclectic” part). I examined the sentiments of things, and the way doing certain things made one feel, and why.

It’s really hard to explain what I think these days and why I do what I do. I guess it boils down to a mix of philosophy, anthropology/history, and community. I see the worth in certain aspects of religion, in the sense of them being stories with a moral. The moral is the important part. You know how in the bible Jesus would tell all these parables (moral stories obviously not based in reality) to get across an idea to prove a point? That’s literally how every religion is to me, They’re all parables. That’s the best way I can explain it to people like my mother, who want to understand but are firmly rooted in religion and don’t intend to change.

The problem these days with expressing skepticism is that people are very closed to it. Even if they can understand why YOU feel a certain way about something, they may never ask themselves the same questions in earnest.

So many people view atheism as a destruction of society, of morals, of all structure to life. Some people even see it as their own religion’s view of evil (Christians viewing atheists as Satan worshipers, for example. Sorry, but, uh … Satan is a Abrahamic concept?? lmao) People see atheists and they’ve been conditioned to either think “EVIL!” or “poor, lost soul in need of guidance”, when the reality is … neither.

There is this toxic problem of religion having a stranglehold on morality. “Only the religious can be ethical, understanding, humble, etc” … It’s so untrue. In fact in many ways atheists can be MORE understanding, humble, moral, etc. than those who strictly adhere to what they believe are divine laws. The general point of religion is to be this system of philosophy that is told through stories regarded as true, rather like a “morality for dummies” kind of book. But if you can understand the underlying principles of that morality, you don’t actually need the fictitious examples to go back to for reference.

The problem inherent in all religions is that they have become so complex in their iterations, so needlessly convoluted, that they begin to lose sight of their true purposes. They can even spur concepts that go AGAINST their true purpose, like racism, xenophobia, homophobia, sexism, etc., and in those ways can be very damaging to society–a society they are meant to heal and bring together.

There are many people, even religious people, that are aware of that too. They gloss over certain bits of doctrine in favor of the larger picture of love and acceptance, and honestly, bless those people.

Anyway. I know I made this super long for no reason (but that’s just what happens when someone gets me going on theology). I guess what I’m wanting to say is, despite what many might think, there’s nothing wrong with being an atheist, nor should you be made to feel ashamed of it.

There’s a big stigma surrounding it because of so-called “intellectual elitism,” and people like to whine that only narcissists and assholes who think they’re smarter than everyone else are atheists, but that’s really unfair. There are certainly some atheists who openly mock religions, and are as bad as determined missionaries when it comes to converting people … but that’s their personality problem, not everyone’s.

Being an atheist doesn’t mean being an asshole (that’s a choice). Atheists can actually be some of the kindest people around. And it really does require a great deal of intelligence, empathy, and bravery, to work oneself past religious dogma, especially if you grew up indoctrinated with it.

So I understand why you feel you can’t safely disclose your beliefs (or lack thereof) to people, but I am proud of you anyway, and I don’t want you to feel like you should be embarrassed about it, okay? As long as you have a kind heart, it doesn’t really matter what you do or do not believe. Maybe if you approach the subject from those familiar angles, it will be easier to explain, and you can one day not have to hide anymore.

❤