#man I've just been bit by the creative bug so bad

[arihi]

Charmed! 2025 (A Community Recap)

Charmed 2025 happened this past weekend, the 10th anniversary. My con recaps of years past desperately tried to fit in as much detail and information of each day, play-by-plays as I tagged everyone I could remember, talked about all the classes I'd been to, the people I'd met. Nowadays, I'm content to just do a general overview.

I spent a lot of time pensive and thinking about my time spent in the community and during cons. The 10th anniversary for Charmed meant that marked 9 years since I'd come out to my very first one. Longer in the community when I was still only online. How does the time fly by so quickly? It doesn't feel real. I still feel very new, and yet when I look around I'm surrounded by unfamiliar faces, cons growing too large and too quickly for me to recognize every face like I used to at the beginning. This sentiment is far from unique, and I had several conversations during the con with people who echoed similar feelings. At one point, I found myself in a group of people who all predated me in the con-going circuit - a rarity as more and more time goes on. We talked about the growth of cons, my first one. Though I'd spent a lot of the day feeling listless without realizing why, I found myself feeling comforted by the company, and realizing I had been lonely.

It's not at all a bad thing, and I'm genuinely happy that more and more people are finding community at these events - god knows I did. It's an adjustment is all, an ever-shifting growth of my own. It's plain to see from my blog activity over the years that I withdrew from talking as often. Not good, not bad, but also for good, and for bad. It's probably good that I don't reveal as much about myself at the drop of a hat. It's probably bad that I'm more avoidant now than I'd like to be. I'd remarked to a friend a while back that I didn't miss the old MMO that we met each other on and spent our days playing, but that I missed the period of time in my life that it defined. Similarly, I think I was going through a huge shift in life and perspective at the time I was first finding my feet at these events, these gatherings of people that taught me that it was worth it to seek my own happiness, that *I* was worth it. I know this inherently now, but it was much more of an impact back then for obvious reasons. I suppose it's like the honeymoon period of a relationship vs. settling into its stability. I suppose you could say I'm in a long-term relationship with myself! And it's some of the healthiest it's ever been. And now that I'm doing better and more stable these days, I should try to push myself to be out there more often.

Every time someone tells me that I've grown so much, I can't help but tear up and cry. (I'm doing it now as I type this.) And wouldn't you believe it, that happened to me like FOUR TIMES during Charmed!! Come on y'all!! What the hell. There's nothing that solves feeling stagnated in life like hearing that from someone else. I resolved myself at the beginning of this post not to feel like I had to document every interaction and tag every person, but it's difficult to fight the urge to yell it from the rooftops, how each interaction genuinely touched me, how they were the highlights of my con. How I miss them again, and how I can't wait to see them again. It couldn't come soon enough. Thank you to those who have watched my journey and always encouraged me. (I feel like I say this often, but, please know that I mean it every time. Except this time like triple it. That's how much it means to me.)

Charmed changed my life. I will say it to my dying breath and I will always be forever grateful for it. I learned people could be happy. I learned I could be happy. The connections I made at the first Charmed and subsequent years have changed my life beyond what a 2015 version of me could ever imagine. Tangibly, too -- beyond just a shift in perspective and mentality and wanting better for myself, I wouldn't have been able to move out without the chain of events that started at this first con. So- thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I challenge myself not to document every interaction because in the past, that was how I had to live. Every post was proof I had experienced hardship (and lived). Every con meant a new lease on life and I had to memorize every single one and struggle to do hours long voice recordings about each day of the event to remember as much as I could because, that was all I could bring back. And I don't need to anymore - not because I don't want to remember, but because I'm in a better place now. These aren't the desperate emergency infusions of care I didn't know I could have; now, they are cherished moments with friends old and new, a drop in the bucket of happy memories. And part of life is to forget and talk about old stories and remember them again with good company.

Until the next one, and the one after that, and the many more after that.

-- Ari

[magentagalaxies]

"tour of duty" (the filmed version of their 2002 tour) in general is just kind of a bizarre point for kids in the hall that i haven't really talked to any of them about but is hard not to notice when you look at their entire canon. like it's certainly good - there are some tour-original sketches that i highly enjoy and some live versions of filmed sketches that take a fun creative spin on it, but in general things just feel noticeably strange.

buddy cole specifically tells the fur trappers to "fuck off" (buddy very rarely swears and across all the buddy material i've watched for the documentary he's only said "fuck" 3 times across forty years). danny husk wins an award for being a high school vice principal and at&love isn't acknowledged in the bit. the "is he?" sketch has been revised to pack in as many euphemisms for gay as possible, putting the bit on top of another bit. and of course i have my chicken lady thoughts but i don't want to bias anyone else bc i genuinely want to know what your takes are before i share mine.

and again these aren't all bad choices - i think the danny husk vice principal monologue works really well and may not work as well as a different character despite contradicting the Husk Lore™️. but they're all very distinctive choices

idk there's two reasons i personally give for why tour of duty is so strange (to me at least, maybe other people don't notice). the first is that it comes less than 3 years after their other tour-film, the 1999/2000 tour "same guys new dresses" (also available on youtube!) i fucking love SGND and i'll be up front that it's my preferred kith tour video. but part of what makes SGND so special is that it's not just a recording of the live show, it's a full tour documentary following the guys traveling across the country performing together, occasionally showing full sketches but also delving into the stories behind why the sketches played out the way they did. and, sure, sometimes that means cutting out a sketch that i wish i could've seen in full (rip power of the suburbs) but my life is so much better for having seen the "laser eye surgery gossip" or knowing how much drama that goddamn robot-dog-prop caused.

so to then see tour of duty as a straight-up recording of the live show leaves that element of mystery, that we don't get to know why choices were made because we only see the end result. there was a conscious decision not to shoot tour of duty like SGND - the tour doc didn't do well financially, and they also had more of a reason to document that tour since it was their first time working together since the disastrous fallout of "brain candy," and first big national tour since the show ended. the circumstances were just very different

and that's true both personally and politically bc the second suspected reason for tour of duty's weird tone is you can obviously tell 9/11 just happened. two sketches directly reference it - bruce and mark's businessman characters sell scam patriotic products that are all just a rubber band, and buddy cole visits the middle east and ends up having sex with saddam hussein (tho fun fact this concept was written BEFORE 9/11). but the event casts an obvious shadow, especially since both the buddy cole bit and the danny husk monologue were recycled pieces from scott's cancelled one-man-show which was set to debut in new york city on september 19th 2001.

it's also interesting comparing this to SGND. the late 90s are often remembered through rose-tinted glasses due to a generally good economy in the united states and a lot of the social tensions with disenfranchised groups still bubbling under the surface rather than being talked about openly. SGND doesn't reference contemporary events much, but the closure of AT&Love from the KITH finale is undone since the economy has re-entered "rock-on fashion," and buddy cole comments on the Y2K computer bug being underwhelming. (i also went on a super long tangent on how the original show reflected the socioeconomic climate of the 90s but that's a whole other topic i need to go to bed)

i don't know how the KITH feel about "tour of duty." i can't know how much this strangeness was felt for them backstage, and i think in some regards it can only be picked up on as an outsider, albeit an outsider who has watched so much KITH content to know how their work evolved even when not on television. all in all, i'm glad "tour of duty" exists and even the swings that didn't really land for me are still admirable as creative choices.

it's also cool to analyze as someone who has now been to a KITH live show over 2 decades later and got to see those behind-the-scenes conversations play out. the bellini benefit also featured a lot of strangeness, caused by a limited rehearsal schedule and one of the cast members being unable to attend due to illness, but they absolutely exceeded these limitations to put on a very fun show. we did film the performance and rehearsals and that show is going to be released eventually (i'm not in charge of it but the person who is also works on the buddy cole doc so i'm involved). i don't know if it's going to be presented more like SGND or tour of duty or something completely different, but it'll be cool to be part of KITH live show canon

[the-zapped-part-timer]

Penn Zerothon Day 1

North Pole Down🎄

My Ramblings: Hey, this all looks familiar! Anyways, I like sword gag. Obviously guys it was in a couch, open your minds. It's also interesting to see Sashi not having wings like in the Pilot, I guess now we can infer what happened because we know she has them the next time they're in the Knight World.

I like to smash bits of the Pilot in this episode in my head, with the Boone being exception of course... and also the other stuff going in Zap One.

Ok, the zapping. They still do come out of a static background, but the Pilot's just looks so different.

Get the banging intro we all love and the iconic title cards!

Zooming on the family picture doesn't hurt at all. Nope, not all. It's interesting to show no snow on Christmas Eve, but that can happen in a lot of places, I really like that decision. Sashi beating the fake reindeer making look like snow? Gold.

But I've got to say, starting with a holiday episode is... unusual. I personally wouldn't have, but I'm not saying it had to be Zap One. It's just that not everyone likes holiday or Christmas episodes. I'm also upset we never got a Halloween episode.

I wonder why we didn't see the MUHU used in the Pilot, perhaps it wasn't a thing? I doubt it. I enjoy Brock and Vonnie every time they're on screen, funny and such great parents, even from afar! Like that they left a record video. Poor Penn, just wants see his parents so bad on Christmas, they're first Christmas apart. Also for a quick second we see that the MUHU charging deck thingy is broken. I wonder why? Genuinely, why? Was it The Chinchilla?

Our first introduction to Aunt Rise and Uncle Chuck (and of course The Chinchilla). I don't mind them, not my favorites. But don't mind. They're quirky.

I love the Trio so much! Boone and Sashi trying to cheer up Penn is so sweet.

First time we see Old Man Middleburg.

Not even having to exchange words to show how much Rippen hates Penn and Larry's over the topness.

Phyllis is queen. She's slaying in that candy cane costume. And she's already being supportive with Penn. You need a prom date? Phyllis has got you. MUHU broken beyond repair? She tried.

I would have a mental breakdown if I tried avoiding Christmas like the plague only to be zapped into Santa of all people! Like what are the odds? It's like the universe knows or something.

I just realized we never got a "check the specs" in the Pilot! Dang. Also, you can hear bells when her specs are displaying the mission.

Penn helping Boone calm down is sweet. Also, the "Okay, I'm gonna pet you now, but not in a weird way." Line will never not be funny, so many quotable lines in this show. I'm like a parrot.

Also, was the head in a box a reference to the movie Seven? If so, it's a very interesting pick for a reference for a kids' show.

Did they get Adam Levine for his screaming? I think that's a possibility.

Mr. Snowman...

I do like the rogue gingerbread men, but I wonder if Rippen being Krampus was at least considered. It always bugged me when I first watched this. Goat Rippen would have been too much for anyone to handle, I suppose.

The candy and Christmas weaponry is fun and creative. Larry cannibalizing himself is very Larry. I, too, would have a nibble on at least one of my fingers.

I like that Mr. Snowman just assumed the MUHU was broken. He doesn't know a damn thing about it and yet already being manipulative. I like that Penn is allowed to be a bit selfish. It makes sense, most of the time, it's because of his parents. He desperately wants them back or at least able to see and talk to them. Love me some good character flaws!

Surprise! The snowman with an ominous voice was bad! Although, it is surprising that Rippen decided to team up with anyone. I guess he probably sees Mr. Snowman as easy to take out, it's not that hard as we see later on. (Snow) Man literally took his whole heart out and almost died for a bit.

The face Penn makes when he says the whole ruining Christmas for eternity is gonna bother him for awhile is great. So many great faces on this show.

The first song of the show! Also forgot the Pilot didn't have a song... good. I don't wanna hear that Boone sing. He's not an angel like ours. I used don't not like his singing, but it grew on me. Pretty good song. Everyone is good at singing. I like that the breakout fails, like you really thought a candy cane would work as a key? Jokes land so much better than the Pilot (sorry I keep bringing that up).

So there's just one gingerbread woman? Like a smurfette? Also, Rippen, my goodness! One (gingerbread) woman and already be acting up. It's just a tiny bit but still funny, I like the idea that he can't keep it in his pants sometimes. He's gotta come off as suave to anyone watching.

Also weird that gingerbread people just eat steak and mashed potatoes... not very Christmas-like, guys, and woman.

"You've looked cooler." Sashi delivers that in such a way that it can be such a low blow to whoever she's saying it to (Penn).

Would've loved to see a drama class. That would've been a Boone episode, a Boone-isode!

Creative way to escape, using Santa lore. I wonder what it felt like to be tube-shaped for a few seconds. I'm sure that would feel good on my back until I cry from pain.

First instance of Arnold Schwarzenegger voice Boone.

"Man, that guy can talk." Sashi, that man is your principal. Your lucky he ain't evil.

Yep, he's a snowman... what was he gonna do? Snowball them? Man them- nevermind.

AAHHH! Rippen jumpscare! Oh no- is his bowtie made of anything? Like licorice or something? Or is it just a bowtie?

I'll never find it funny that in some Santa media set in modern times, they're still making older toys like made out of wood and stuff. Anyways, love the fight between Penn and Rippen using the toys as weapons. Very fun and creative.

I love it when Rippen tries to use Penn's interest against him, the MUHU in this case. But no, Penn is better than that.

Did Rippen feel anything when he broke or does it not hurt? Either way, falling down at that velocity must have been terrifying. First instance of Larry eating Rippen... yep, not the first!

Also, the first use of the Wilhelm Scream! They love that scream.

He made a hard choice, but thankfully, it paid off in two ways. Completing the mission and getting your MUHU fixed by Santa because of it. What was that one quote? "A true act of goodwill always sparks another." (Whoever gets that, have a cookie)

Also like that it implies Santa doesn't like gingerbread, perhaps because gingerbread people work for him?

An all around good Christmas episode, usually my least favorite kind.

~The Characters~

Penn Zero: This Penn and Pilot Penn while similar, feel very different in delivery.

Like I said already, I like Penn feeding into his self-interest. We always understand why he does and acts like he does, he's a good person with flaws. Flaws that are so human.

Boone Wiseman: Oh Boone, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I can't believe we almost didn't have this you! So much more funnier and nicer. Our lovable buffoon. Even going out to make skateboard sleds for his friends! And a failed roller-skate skis that he actually never made, but it's the thought that counts.

He's funny but still takes some seriousness with his job. Especially at the end.

Sashi Kobayashi: Violent as ever! But cares deeply about Penn's troubles. I also enjoyed when she just conked Larry and that elf in the head.

Rippen: Not a whole lot to say for him in this episode. He was funny and growly as usual. It's still interesting that he teamed up with someone as we'll see in Number One Number Two. Yes, I know, I'm Still Super. But that's different as we'll also see

Larry: He really doesn't have much to do besides eating himself. Which, good for him, he makes a good point, they'll never be that delicious again.

Dimension(s): I like the look of the mountaintop north pole base, which is a very cool take on Santa's workshop. It's more like a military base than anything.

Forms: Reindeer Boone is the best, sorry. He's adorable, I like his physicality. Everyone else did good, but they'll never be Reindeer Boone.

[winter-doggo]

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favorite followers 🖤

Ah, heck, I got this from @prismaticpichu too. Does that mean I have to do ten things?

(I'm also not gonna send it to 10 further people because I'm not the chain mail type, but if you're reading this, you're cool and awesome and I am lazer beaming friendship at you)

I've always been a creative type, and I'm happy I managed to hold onto that and grow over time into bringing people joy with my creations.

I'm not half bad with technology. This isn't to say the point is I'm particularly good, either, but I have a ton of fun poking around with computers and using them for things, and I like that I can do that! WinterDoggo learn more coding challenge

Autism. Sorry to be clear I mean uhh. You ever like memorising lists of stuff to do with your favourite things? Like memorising every Pokémon and memorising every Monster Hunter Monster and memorising every item you can find/bug or fish you can catch/quest you can do in The Dog Island because you love DATA and INFORMATION and STATISTICS and wanted to KNOW YOUR FAVOURITE THINGS INSIDE OUT and yeah I calmed down a pinch over the years but there's still me. I still love statistics and I still memorise the creatures. I can still identify a bunch of real world butterflies purely from me being so into THE DOG Island like 15 years ago. That sort of memorisation set the base for me being so good at speedrunning it, actually. So ok, yeah, autism lmao

As a kid/teenager I spent a while being really judgemental, and I'm really happy to have moved past that. Less of a hypocrite and more just an authentic weirdo. Maybe that's just part of growing up, but some people don't, y'know?

I've never thought I had much of a fashion sense, but I've still managed to develop something of a style in my wardrobe. And I love my leather coats and fancy-looking hats and that practically everything is in black. So kind of my fashion sense even though I don't really know what I'm doing xD

Man. How did you guys do this? I compressed what could have been a lot of little things into less numerous things. And that's a skill that I like that I have! My brain... hasn't got a lot of RAM, shall we say. So it's gotten pretty good at compression. But now I have to think of more things when I could have split "creative" into each individual creative skill hahah

This is a weird one, because while I'm not at all patriotic, I still like being British. Because people from other countries (particularly Americans) seem to automatically think my accent is great and i can spook people with weird sounding food. It's sorta looped me into liking my own voice. Thanks, internet!

I'd like to think, when it comes to fandom, I'm alright at thinking of little things that tie things together just that slight bit more interestingly while still sticking close to the source. I've gotten enough compliments on little headcanons I mention (and worldbuilding bits particularly from my Yuke's CatzDogz fics) that my silly little noggin sees a pattern. And i think that's neat!

I SENT OVER 2000 BOOPS YESTERDAY FOR THE TUMBLR APRIL FOOLS DAY AND I'M PROUD OF IT

Friendship :] I must be doing something right! Alas I'm too scatterbrained to remember half the reasons people say they like me, but they do, and all those traits that people cite? i like em too, because I like making my friends happy ^^

There we go. Thanks for reading :]

[copics-and-renegades]

Interrupting our scheduled Whumptober program to introduce y'all to this little brain bug that's been biting me for months now and that I've been quietly developing further AND that's now becoming relevant context for quite a bunch of Whumptober pieces I've prepared so far.

Let me tell y'all about.

Whumper!Yuan AU

Yes, it's got such a creative name. I guess its full title is "That One Terribad Unhinged Whumper!Yuan AU".

So what's it about? Let me tell you way more than you ever wanted to know! Basically, the spark to this whole AU came to me in a dream (no, really), where I dreamed up the gist and like a few scenes, and then I got up and was like "holy shit" and then I told my friend about it and he was like "holy shit" and then I started writing down stuff for it and even made a comic I never posted (until now).

The tl;dr is: Whumper!Yuan and Whumpee!Botta. (Really twisted setup tbh.) Modern setting. A series of bad coincidences and also bad active decisions happen that lead to a fist fight escalating to Yuan... basically chaining Botta up in his basement. That's it. That's the gist.

The more detailed description (and I'm still making some of this stuff up as I go or don't have an answer yet) is as follows:

Modern setting AU. No Renegades, no Cruxis either afaik. However, there is half-elf discrimination.

Mixing and matching the canon situation of half-elves and putting them in a modern context, half-elves are at the bottom of society's hierarchy. While open slavery like in the recent past of Canon!Sylvarant is, hm, not really practiced anymore and probably somewhat frowned upon? other discriminatory systems such as a whole economy of indentured servitude, lack of voting rights, exclusion from certain jobs or education, ... , you name it, is in place to keep them down. Like in Canon!Tethe'Alla, half-elves are also always one (1) misstep away from serious legal repercussions. Probably no death penalty on the regular, but harsh prison sentences, loss of rights, pretty much no chance of social recovery from a criminal record at all, that kind of stuff is the norm.

Half-elves have no right to bear, well, pretty much any weapon of self-defence at all, either.

Our man Yuan actually holds a "proper" job and has an income. He lives in a run-down little house in a pretty depopulated area he got for cheap somehow. He's working IT Support at some office and everyone is constantly pushing him around. He's above the half-elves cleaning the place or stocking the supplies, but wayyy below any human at all. For a half-elf, he's pretty privileged. As a whole? He struggles and struggles to be The Good Half-Elf, reaching and always slipping on the societal ladder, constantly beaten back down even though he's trying to convince himself he is just trying HARDER than all those other half-elves that don't even get their own shitty desk.

He's a mess and an asshole lol. His pent-up stress and rage are always at the point of finally overwhelming him. He makes himself look proper on the outside, for his human work contacts, he is A Good Half-Elf after all, but in truth he sustains himself on nothing but half-heated convenience store meals and caffeine in every form he can get a hold of. His sleep cycle is shit, the only hobby he feeds is getting mad at videogames he specifically is bad at, he has no social circle, no friends, family estranged, clutter heaping up in his house and pretty much all of it just shit that's been already there when he got it... You get the picture. He's a mess. (He's Canon!Yuan when he doesn't have someone to guide his relentless energy lmao.)

One day after work, circumstances I have not yet fully decided on lead to him meeting and CLASHING HARD WITH a half-elf called Botta.

Botta is also a bit of an asshole lol. He's NOT holding a steady job, maybe never has (he's against letting his labour be exploited by human society duh), he's homeless and always on the run. He gets along relatively fine like that, tho.

When they meet a second time, it's pretty much on Yuan's front lawn and Botta is currently fleeing from the cops. Probably for some petty crime he actually did commit lol. Yuan and Botta get into an argument, somehow. Maybe Botta is expecting help from a fellow half-elf, but Yuan is APPALLED to be put onto the same level as an uncivilised, criminal thug, WHO IS ALSO RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US OK. (Yay, internalized bigotry and lateral discrimination, yay! Yay, respectability politics!)

One things leads to another, I don't have all details yet, the argument escalates to a fist fight that Botta is DOMINATING SO HARD because Yuan is a little office dweeb and Botta has been fighting for his life on the streets since forever. All under the time pressure of the cops around the corner.

In a fit of anger and desperation, Yuan finally pulls out a taser he is NOT supposed to have and ZAPS the other man at point-blank. Botta goes down, HARD, hits his head and is out like a light.

Oh shit.

Cop getting closer.

Yuan has just assaulted someone with a weapon he is banned from as much as touching, maybe even looking at.

Yuan does the only thing that is rational in this situation: Breaks into a run, catches the cop head-on as far away from the crime scene as he can get, and does the whole "Officer, sir, good sir, officer. There was a suspicious half-elf running past JUST that way, sir, suspicious half-elf. Always happy to assist the police, officer, good day to you, officer, sir."

Somehow that works.

When he returns to his front door, that living evidence of him a) illegally owning a weapon, b) illegally USING the weapon he illegally owns, and c) being obviously uncontrolled, untrustworthy and DANGEROUS enough to enact violence against a person (plus d) being brazen and CRIMINAL enought to lie to a good upholder of the law DIRECTLY TO THEIR FACE, unprompted!!)... Yeah, that living, breathing, but very out-of-it evidence is still THERE.

Yuan does the OTHER only thing that is rational in his situation: Chains that asshole up in his basement, because he SO had it coming. And also that level of power over someone?? When you've always been the one other people had power over?? Fucking hell, it feels GOOD. Vindicating. Intoxicating. GOOD.

Very quickly Yuan has to realize, tho, that he can't count on an element of sheer dumb luck and surprise to keep subduing a VERY angry, VERY uhm passionate PRISONER IN HIS OWN BASEMENT (also taser cartridges are expensive and hard to get, and for a rechargeable stun gun to be an option he'd have to get well within arm's range EVERY TIME), so he's lucky enough to somehow procure one of those shock collars for, well, very large (and in this setting possibly monstrous) dogs. which maybe belonged to the previous owner of the house?? and put it on his hissing, spitting, extremely "I'm going to break your spine LET ME GO!!!" uhm new involuntary roommate.

Said new "roommate" gets over the shock (hehe) but not the anger of all of this happening to him soon-ish enough, when he takes a good long look at That Unpredictable Weirdo Freak and starts asking (and asking and asking) the question that's REALLY pressing into his conscious mind now: "Damn Bitch, You Live Like This??"

:DD

Aaand that's how the initial situation came to be.

Whumper!Yuan AU.

Now how it's developing is, well, the topic of way too many of my thoughts. (Which I'm going to be filling y'all in bit by bit around here, I would assume.) To put it mildly, it's an uneven, unhinged, toxic AND ABSOLUTELY DARKLY HILARIOUS dynamic THAT IS SO MUCH FUN FOR ME TO EXPLORE YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Like, all their interactions are the American Chopper meme. I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, I guess, but I do. It's such a fun AU to explore.

I've already drawn up a bunch of stuff for Whumptober that I'm going to share this month. (Which is also why I finally made this huge introduction post. For context. Context!!)

But brain is empty for now. Will post more on the whole thing later, in snippets and art and stuff. For now just. Be prepared. For Whumper!Yuan AU on my blog.

:D

[pxppinmolly-archived]

🍵🍵🍵🍵 Gimmie

Salty Sunday

ALRIGHT LET'S GO GRAB BAG.

1.

This has been bugging me like for awhile but recently seeing the 'hot take' of how people over glorify Alcina and how saying she's a lesbian and shit is bad because she's evil and saying she's a lesbian cus she killed only women is bad which like Granted that alone? Okay.

But that isn't the only reason why people HC and say she's a lesbian? KDFJ Like I don't need to explain but there's so much as to why she seems to be coded heavily as lesbian and no not all of it is based on evil shit (like come on. the puzzle room talking how women are blind to male advances. how all the statues of the angel's were all women in sexual poses. how she obviously doesn't like men. etc etc...)

Like man it rlly bugged me people are saying the fandom loves Alcina too much 'cause she's so vile and it's like UH YEAH I SURE HOPE SHE IS?? THAT'S WHY IM HERE BITCH

2.

Also this one is really no fucking shade at any one in specific as this is something I've seen like. A LOT happen over my years of being not just in the RPC but the creative... community in general.

But. It really always bugged me and kinda makes me :v when people write smutty stuff and act like it's so bad in terms of like. OoohoOOHOHOHO I'm being so naughty and evil oh my god the siiiin and I'm just like... It's okay to write smut.

Like if anyone gives anyone shit for it they're just an asshole who doesn't know how to mind their business. But people hyping it up and being so public like ooo I'm so ashamed it just bothers me a lil bit? Idk it just makes me kinda like... Mmm. Like it's not a big deal and people just overhyping it just leaves a bad taste upon my person BUT THAT'S JUST MY OPINION AGAIN!!

3. I've talked about this before and granted I haven't seen it much anymore but god I HATE the whole thought idea of like 'blocking someone makes you a bad / immature person or you're wrong for doing it' or people having such gripes over people having them blocked like. WHO CARES... IT'S THE INTERNET. Like if someone in the RPC has you blocked well oh well I guess! It might not even be anything personal it's just they don't want to interact with you and just to make sure you don't get the wrong idea they make it so you can't follow! People do that!

Like who gives a shit. I'll block anyone I don't wanna see or interact with I don't give a fuck. ASKDJ (I'm not that flippant on it but I am liberal with my blocking. <3)

4. Sits down backwards on my chair.

This fandom has such entitlement man it's insane. AKSJDFG

I am just constantly amazed with how this fandom, the fandom in entirety not just RPC, feels so entitled to their shit and like.. Are so. Needy? I guess? KDJG

Like man the people bitching over Charlie/Alastor not getting any content in the shop but Charlie/Vaggie do instead even tho they are.. the canon couple.. AKSDFJ Or people harassing Viv over making their ships canon and wanting content for it to the point now Viv doesn't even like seeing those ships cus it just triggers her.

Like honestly who gives a fuck if a ship isnt canon like. This is going on a whole nother small tirade now but I'm tired of like 'pushing for canon'. None of my ships are canon that I can think of off the top of my head but who gives a fuck I'm still having fun and making the content I wanna see damn it. I'm not harassing the OPs on twitter like animals. ASDKFJG

Like. We are gonna get content we might not like from Hazbin/Helluva! I sure as fuck have already and I know I will continue to be upset and I HAVE A RIGHT to be upset but I'm not gonna be like. Harrassing Viv on twitter or some shit. I'll bitch about it but on my own blog in my own time and not even on the radar and then go: well anyway back to this divergency

LIKE IT COSTS 0 DOLLARS JUST TO KEEP SHIT IN YOUR OWN LANE AND JUST DO AND MAKE WHAT YOU WANT IT RLLY DOES. SDOFKGJ

[alex-airing-20xx]

Starting note, ubuntu users going back in time below. ""Please use x32bit for ubuntu and forks"" ""Can not stress this enough, for compatability issues"" ""Video, wine, and software repositories, older computers"" ""12.04 13.10 14.04 16.04"" Bunsen labs linux [Stretch debian fork from japan 2019] "Testing Beta" Bunsen labs linux [bl-Helium_amd64+build2.iso] Debian 9 Stretch "2018" Bunsen labs linux [bl-Hydrogen-amd64.iso] Debian 8 jessie "2019" (Version jessie of unsen labs unstable) Zorin OS [12 Ultimate edition; a ubuntu ireland fork 2018] Mageia Linux ver6 [Mageia is 2018 france redhat fork of mandriva] (Mandriva Linux Based on: Independent (forked from Red Hat) I hope mageia continues to update, it is getting better. Mangaka cho [Live-dvd "Testing" (Managaka is from austria europe, with multiple versions based on ubuntu, has multiple themes of anime flavors, One,Chu,Moe,Nyu,Koe,Mou,Cho (live)) Cho is good live distro, hopefully mangaka produces more in future, very fun version of ubuntu. FatDog Linux [Based on: LFS (formerly based on Puppy as usa fork] (Testing version 6/12/2016: is more applications and for x64bit ver puppy linux) Fat dog in current state would not say get yet, till gets more stable. Zorin OS Ver8 and Ver9 [2014-01-27 release] "Testing" (Unstable, good for testing) Zorin in 8 and 9 have crashing and glitches, not so great at moment, is comming along, a lot of these new forks are currently unstable. Mangaka koe is running ubuntu 14.04 "stable" I would suggest using with caution as it is a unstable fork in testing ubuntu, runs well at the begining, will crash if you do things you would normally do in ubuntu "Proceed with caution" as this is good for testing as many listed above. Visually is good OS from mangaka, fun, educational. Angel linux Ver3 [Angel is based on puppy linux] Not much to say, runs slim, speedy, as of testing have no problems so far, producer is on sourceforge. Commodore OS linux [Not much info; is a indie fork of ubuntu] (If you happen to search hard, far online threw search engines, you can locate and find commodore OS vision linux, it mostly a beta you burn to two dvds, one disc is needed for the OS. You will need a second disc for extra data files which are required to run commodore os properly. PS: you might want to try bittorrent will looking as well. Commodore os was a great OS wile it was up in the late 2000s in years, after writing this log, hope some this info helps.Linux lite [This is another attempt at ubuntu fork from newzealand] (This is a beta I tested 5/31/2014) Not much to say is lite version of ubuntu, made ver well in unstable at the moment as most of these forks of ubuntu comming out, like most forks, lite is no diffrent needs more time to develope or become stable. Speed "yes" Works "Yes" DaytoDay usable "Not yet" Give these forks time, lubuntu, peppermint, etc they need time for development . Somehow In the future 2020 and beyond, they will become good as for now it is 2014 . | | A lot of these operating systems above and below are no longer on distrowatch any longer (So please do not come looking to me as to where they (OS/devs) went today, i'd assume the projects are left off to die, or the developers got bored) | | Lubuntu 2014 [This is another fork of ubuntu ver 14.04] (Lubuntu is made with developers in taiwan ROC, and france europe, this one has been my most favorite ubuntu fork, been comming back on and on to it for a wile now, not much has chnaged with this one, just more bloated software has been injected into the interface, and revamped desktop changes, feel that they should have left lubuntu desktop alone, some of the software needs more to get it to run in the gaming and repository side of things, such as the PS1 emu. "Please bring back the speed" "That is what lubuntu was about" Meh!! moving on`````` #Rants Ubuntu studio [Version fork 13.10 of ubuntu] Ubuntu studio os well . . . Ubuntu this one is marketed as ubuntu with "The supposid more kick and apps" "Kick as in oomph, or push" Ehhhhh! . . . 13.10 versions of ubuntu was not its best days, even with studio ubuntu has its core problems, bugs, crashing, unstable, with this version of studio is no diffrent at the time. Giving the interface, and that it is studio I would say at the time is was good for testing like most on this time zone. Not much I can say except it was in fact made with more apps, programs, software already built into it. ""My sciore for this ubuntu is medium not so bad and not so good either"" Like most in the beginning of good ole forks, give it time to grow, stay with stable versions, if you figure out whiuch version of the fork it is. Lubuntu Ver 12.04 (Version 12.04 of lbuntu , ubuntu fork) Warning: Use x32bit only (For video and wine software) Warning: Use x32bit only (For video and wine software) Warning: Use x32bit only (For video and wine software) This version of lubuntu was my favorite of all the lubuntu betas why!? you may ask ? It was very GOOD! at the time of release. Yes there where crashes at the end use (Still scratching head on this one) ""I left a note: use for older computers"" why leave such a note!?because at this time version 12.04 lubuntu was the fastest ubuntu fork at this point and time, it indeed had lxde desktop injected, before being bloated with all the ubuntu full core at versions 14.04 and 16.04 in fact still keep a copy on DVD and ISO for ole machines. . . . My only fault with this version is it had strange random crashing bugs at random times, which would tick (Anger anyone with a brain"Good train of thought) Everything ran perfectly, speed, program, software, etc . . . ""I mean SUPER FAST SPEED!"" anyways this log is done. ""Test rating Very good Crash rating: AHHHHH! Not so good"" Use with caution after installing. Mageia linux [2013 version 3] Of all the betas to test on a red hat fork, at this time era, it was good visually, and thats about it, very buggy, programming failed very much on megia 3. Puppy linux [Puppy linux is a australian OS by barry] Puppy in general is programmed well for laptops, not so much desktops, what i mean by this is in the past they have had hardware compatability problems ((This is more for someone who wants light weight slapped on a laptop)) stopped testing around version 2012 on day 5 of may . The last version i tested 5/5/2012 slacko build Saluki linux [This a a fork of puppy linux for older computers made in USA] Sulukie ran on three releases that was it game over. (NOT!) Version three was made very well actually, best version of puppy linux i'v tried. Compatability wise anyways, no flaky compatability issues as most puppies have had in the past. I would suggest trying it out if you can find it. ""Test review: VERY GOOD"" ""Crashes: Only if you abuse the code"" ""Stability: good, till the end"" (Runs much as lubuntu 12.04 in that manor of stability) Knoppix [Ver 7.2.0 2013 ,Germany europe] Knoppix is now a live-DVD with a installer at this release but' oh boy ""BE shure to fork out MUCH! RAM!"" not much i can say other than the "BLOATED RAM ISSUES"" x64bit was the version I used, visually, graphically, yes it ran, very pretty effects, screen saver, the only part that took the piss out of me was the ram, holly hell man! Slower than sluge goo! Have also a copy of Ver:7.04 even then results are the same in testing in 2012. | | A lot of these operating systems above and below are no longer on distrowatch any longer (So please do not come looking to me as to where they (OS/devs) went today, i'd assume the projects are left off to die, or the developers got bored) || Artist-X Ver:1.5 [Opertating system from 2013 italy, for artists, is a fork of ubuntu] Testing this was fun, for most ubuntu forks at the time, this one topped ubuntu studio, it is loaded with many software programs up the the brim ""OF a neck choking"" there was that bloated ubuntu'ness in the visuallity again' "Ubuntu" they are harked for the fat, slow, bloating load times. The only fault was the internet it was not there at all. Has many visual editors, art editors, video, graphics, the whole nine yards, and a bag of cheese fries (Kidding) but seriously no internet!? and then after a few years of waiting, no more OS updates ? ? ? will artistX come back ? ? ? We hope your team dose ""For the love"" one of the best ubuntu forks without any doubt in creativity of a operating system fork. ((Please for that side note ""Internet MAN"" ""Put it in"")) Lubuntu vers: 12 and 13 [x64bit versions of ol' lubuntu] For the love of HELL! NO! the x64it versions of lubuntu 12./13./ are living compatability hells of a cutting board I repeat please run to the closet and lock it and just stay there, till it leaves. Jokes aside: yes it ran on x64bit am i making it bad for simply that no, it is not that lubuntu or lubuntu x64 bit versions where bad, it was just at thet time. The compatability issues where around, and holy-hell! where the compatability issues not taken whol heartedly or seriously. The videos played in blue, even with all the codecs installed. Software had multiple crashes, upgrade problems, compatabily issues , ""Please just hide your face in shame, in your hands, breath for few minutes"" ""AHHHH!"" ""HELP!"" not only this if you just got off the ban wagon from windows, wine was a rape fest, as even today on any ubuntu, the demand for backwards to x32bit wine even threw x64bit was a crashing hell spawn from the depths of coding terminals. Miko gnyo Linux [This is a fork from japan of ubuntu; not well known] Miko gnyo linux was around for short lived time, it is ubuntu slapped with japanese/english bi-lingual packages, has a quaint cute women drawn in a kimono dress. ((THAT IS ALL, NO SERIOUSLY THAT IS ALL)) it is ubuntu, and that is it, just install your language. DreamStudio Linux [This is a ubuntu for from canada] DreamStudio 12.04.3 was a short lived, ubuntu graphical fork, it was belted up to look as a midnight graphical visual front, had many ubuntu-studio forks inside the guts, have not tested it long, as it was not around very long, it had a dark personality in pretty purple-blue sort of way when you think of pretty-violet colours. Basically take ubuntu studio and slap the visual splash screen and effects, background for prettying up in a canadian fasion. ""Crahses: No"" ""Stability: good"" ""Ubuntu: Yes"" Greenie linux [Greenie linux slovakia europe, Ver:10Q] 2012 was the year tested this, it is yet, another ubuntu fork, at the time gnomeclassic. At the time worked with installer, after that, language, compatability was a task, not a nightmare, but a task, getting it to run. This version had many glitches with software and updates. Kahel linux [This is a philippines arch linux for attempt] Philippines is know for attempts of making stable linuxsin the past. Kahel linux (Arch linux port) ran with good installer, after the install, it would eith crash, or programs would simply hault the Operating system. Restarting Kahel linux simplay caved in, gave crashing. They (Kahel linux) might stsill have their facebook up, is only place to contact the team ? Not shure any more. ""At the time arch was not very good in porting"" ""Arch ports where known for flakeyness"" Anti-X linux [Ver 13.2 from greece europe] this is a debian fork for minimalists or as the english description on distrowatch noted. Tried anti-X with good intentions hoping for stability which it is in this beta, of fork forkery. ""Face palm"" I wish they had wifi or DSL internet as most forks back then, internet and wifi was till comming out to new linuxs. (My advice is to chase after a .DEB package and other .DEB packages before install or virtual box, mostly chase after ""WI-CD Wired and wireless network manager for Linux) Vine linux Ver:6.2 [Independent, Japan, i686, powerpc, x86_64] Vine linux is a japan OS with a stable, bilingual installer, you can choose full blown enlglish or japanese text writing. Is using a very ol' gnome desktop, (Before classic) with the visual feel and look of windows tamplets from 98-XP it is mostly for business amd office, has a V-chip in the early versions for web browser or kids. If your looking for NSFW type of OS and business i'd suggest vine linux. There has not been many updates on vine linux sense 2013 and is a great OS for the development time. Hope to see this one stay active and grow, flavor of linux is great for a japan only operating system. There is version 6.0 of vine linux, probably good for the laptop, or ol' machines is the most stable so far of vine linux, for minimalist or closed minds business. Puppy linux: ver:5.5 [A autralian OS by Barry] This version of puppy I found most compatable with the desktop, and internet of frisbee software. it is stable at times, and also not at times. Small, fast, after a few updates though, it seems to have major BUGS then the internet flops, gets goofy. All and all a good test and nothing more. WattOS: R7.5 [This is a economy minimalist fork strip of ubuntu] There was not much to test on watt-OS Ver:R7.5 because after install and update it imediatly crashed, however, will test more versions in the future (Sad really) Blag-Linux-OS 140 | Year 2012 [Blag-OS is a England,UK fork of fedora] Ver:140 had a ball with this one, loved the splash screen,it is another OS at the time without much internet compatability, from this version 140 it was spactacular fork. The visuals good, the software good, programs good, desktop interface. Hope to see BLAG continue or come back in the future, one of the good ones that was left alone in the dark for some time still. Free BSD Ver: 9.0 [Berkley software dis' Flying tosters] BSD 9.0 did not get it to run on computers in this log, as BSD is not compatable with many (Hardware, parts) computer in the beginning, wish it ran, had a interface at the time. Otakux linux [Otakux is a short lived malasian asia OS ubuntu fork] Otakux OS linux, ran as a anime port of ubuntu, it was before the mangaka untunu clones came to existance from austria europe. Runs fine, just as long as you do not update is much, because otakux will not update at all after the fist attempt. This version is version VER:2.Alpha of ubuntu 11.10 | You need to type in some bizzare code to install it | CODE: $ sudo ubiquity $ | ___________________ Now here is my first linux I tested ever below (No not ubuntu or arch) It was actually, Mandiva linux [2011 32 and 64 bit] Origin: France Architecture: i586, x86_64 Desktop: AfterStep, Blackbox, Fluxbox, GNOME, IceWM, KDE, LXDE, Openbox, WMaker, Xfce Category: Desktop, Live Medium, Server Status: Discontinued (defined) Popularity: Not ranked _ Mandriva was short lived, did not last long, with repositories from slow loading russia. Yes, strange, HUH!? french on the outside russian on the software inside (Wrap head around it for a good chuckle) _ Mandriva was a fork of redhat and like most redhats this one died, after mandriva death came ports of it, such as two french ports and a russian port. _ Russia port: ROSA OS Linux French port: Mageia linux French port2: OpenMandriva Branded LX today. (All three are the new, mandriva and mandrake)Hope this helps you finding mandriva future. _ As for redhat, look for a OS called cent-OS / or scientific-linux in 2019 and beyond years for as all five of these are free listed above. _ UPDATE FUTURE TESTS _ Still have some laftovers to test i'v not got around to. ""Small list below"" 1. Sorcerer linux 2013 2. Neptune linux (Deb fork) Ver:3.3 germany 3. Oz unity Ver 3.5 (Ubuntu fork) australia 4. Kanotix: Hell fire Ver: 2012 5. Open Mamba: Snake (Italy) 2012 6. Blank On Ver 8.0 from indonesia asia. _ Have some new updates I will list later in future logging 2019-2020 Thank you for reading, more soon. ~Alexander, florida, 2019

[dzpenumbra]

11/17/22

Ugh I went back to Twitch and... man, the social bug just bit me and I wanted to just be in the chat and talk to people. I miss socializing regularly. It's really nice when it happens, especially real human connections, but after a long time in isolation 1) it can get overwhelming and I don't notice it because I'm just happy to be around a person, and 2) it can suck to go back to being alone.

But Twitch chat... at least the places I've been going lately... you're literally just "guy in the chat". You can become a regular somewhere I guess, but most of these people have a lot of viewer turnover I guess. That's probably it, all the RPers have a lot of viewer turnover so they just never really get to know people much. A lot of them don't even have people like... interacting with them. Like they ask chat a question and just... dead air. Which haunts me because that shit used to happen to me too, and it's a horrible feeling. So it makes me want to chat with them, and get to know them. But I start getting social anxiety pretty convincingly.

I guess that's the hardest part of my anxiety's evolution once exposed to a lot of trauma. It started getting more convincing. Like... my worries, my "what if's". They didn't really get more frequent, or louder. They got more creative, and they started convincing me more. Like "Hey man, you know you can't make an appointment for your car after like 4 hours of sleep. You're not all there in the mornings. You're going to forget to mention something, or you're going to fuck it up somehow, maybe say 'yes' to an appointment that you don't actually want? Better try again tomorrow." And I read that shit back now and go... um... I really believe this shit? Like... it's embarrassing. Like... if I forget something I can literally just call back. And I will straight up just not make appointments, sometimes for weeks if I'm in a really bad place. Just because of that. Because I'm not 100%, because I'm too tired.

But my anxiety (back-brain) has got some pretty firm roots in my imagination, and that means it uses the same creative muscles I (front-brain) use. So as my art has evolved, as my inspiration has evolved, so has my anxiety. Every horror movie becomes an analogy, every surrealist painting becomes a metaphor. Just as my art comes out of me through creative expression, the same can happen within me, my anxiety speaks the same language as my inspiration. Duh, of course it does, they're all me! XD

I'm pretty high... But I mean it, my anxiety has just been really fucked lately, and I haven't been thinking to question it enough. I'm trying to lay off myself a bit more lately, doctor's orders, but it's hard seeing myself... set up an entire day to record drums and just... not do it because I couldn't figure out in Cubase how to properly line up a click track to a song I wanted to cover. So I just tried to troubleshoot that for like an hour, and then got frustrated and quit. Instead of tabbing out the entire song and then forming it through MIDI tracks in Cubase, like I used to, I was going to put the two songs back-to-back in Cubase, sync up the tempo to the songs, and then just record myself playing along with the song itself. But I can't do that without the tempo, and it has a weird section where I can't tell if it's just a time signature change or a full-on tempo change. Not sure if there's that much of a difference at a certain point. But the new interface is just... I just don't know my way around yet. So it gets under my skin a bit. And it just gives my anxieties a firm enough handhold to tear it all down.

I pledged to try again tomorrow. At the end of the night, I finished beveling and polishing a really nice quartz specimen I cleaned up that I found just like... on a trail on a mountain nearby. Just in the middle of the path in a pile of gravel. It was a good quarter size, pure clear quartz with a few imperfections, I sanded it down to about the size of the metal part of a USB connector. It's very pretty, it came out very nice. Even with natural angles, like with imperfect symmetry, it still looks very nice.

But the big theme today was socializing. Bonding with new friends and reconnecting with past selves. I feel very bad for how many walls have gone up in my trust department lately. I'm really insecure and have been having a hard time trusting. I guess just in general. And I know it's the trauma, you know? It's just echoes, often very subtle ones. And I try to just power through it sometimes, or get grumpy with myself, or worst - sometimes it convinces me. It's a byproduct of being betrayed, like flinching. Like emotionally or habitually flinching. Is that a good analogy? It feels like it. So like... if someone wants to see my old work from 2 lifetimes ago... I mentally flinch, because of what others did to him. Which leads to what other might do to me. This flinch is not everywhere, which is good. And I'm getting much better at explaining it to people, which I never used to do. I used to just avoid and stuff it down and deny it even to myself. Now - I guess a lot of group therapy helped with this - I feel like a person in AA 90% of the time. Probably because I ran through a bunch of the AA steps just... because I saw it helped a lot of people I met along my journeys and I felt there must be something to it. And I didn't want to be the only non-alcoholic at AA. So I really have started like... going up to people and going "hi, I'm _____ and I have PTSD. I'm an artist too, so I'm super weird as fuck. See?" <show them necklace with mummified red tailed hawk talon on it> <show them prayer beads> <show them metal band t-shirt>

I forget how people are supposed to normally interact with eachother, and at this point I'm afraid to ask. And I honestly don't know if I want to remember, just being frank. I don't like the pain of having my honesty and trust betrayed. In fact, I'm pretty severely traumatized from that happening repeatedly. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to sacrifice the experience of truly bonding with someone at a deep level, being truly honest, sharing your heart and soul with people. I'm not sure if I'd sacrifice that just to save myself the pain of betrayal. I'd rather just learn how to notice and get out of really unhealthy situations. That's the therapy I'm working on now.

See... when I went to this Retreat place because I got too high and freaked out and thought I was dying and went to the local Counseling Service and told them... and they referred me to the biggest mental health facility in the state, a former asylum. I'm not talking about that tonight, and hehe I'm doing my AA thing again. When I went there I ran into a lot of people from a lot of walks of life. A lot of alcoholics, a lot of suicidal people, some heavy hard drug users, some people kinda like me, some people way more "normal" than the above who were probably like "why the fuck did I come here?" I remember vividly talking to a staff member and them mentioning how often they get positive feedback and requests for the workshop on Boundaries. Like. Literally everyone wanted it every time, and said it was super helpful, and not just bullshitting on surveys, like people straight up came up to them and said "you need to do this shit every day."

I suck big old floppy donkey dick at setting boundaries. By that, I don't mean I can't do it. I mean I don't always know when, or how. I'm clumsy with my boundaries, out of inexperience. It's a difficult thing to be a "grown adult" and be a complete beginner at something. For some reason... If you can just bring out your inner child in those moments, good lord is it helpful. (just a little life hack) And a big thing they taught in the boundaries workshop was that boundaries are both about like... the things you say "no" to, obviously... but also what you say "yes" to. Like... confidence, I guess. Like when someone asks you out on a date and you do like them, will you let yourself say yes right away, fully expressing how you feel? Or is there a boundary there? You know? So managing boundaries is both an exercise of reducing risks in unhealthy environments, and adding "risks" in healthy environments. And I guess a big part of that is learning to discern between healthy and unheathy environments. Which you'd think would be easy... but it turns out it isn't.

So yeah. Pulling the curtains on the therapy workshop here tonight, I just thought I'd share because my social anxiety and boundaries have been through the roof the past few weeks, probably the highest they've been since I was a preteen. And I let them down a bit today and it brought warmth to my heart. And I'm grateful I let myself come out of my cave for a bit.

It's late again. :( Gonna try to get this started earlier tomorrow.

Oh and the Tarot card pulls for today's study were King of Pentacles - that one is like... who I'd love to be. And The Tower. Which... is not a fun one, but is coming soon regardless. Both exciting and terrifying, lots of big feelings. Like Ace of Cups, which came up again at the top of the deck. What a coincidence! XD

I want to leave on a positive thought. Hmm. I watched one of my old vocal cover songs from like 10 years ago and I was impressed with my own voice. I remember missing a lot of notes at the time, but listening back now is like... my leading notes just add character. Especially since everyone just pitch corrects everything nowadays. My shit was 100% natural pitch, and it showed. Knowing how little production value went into it - you know, because I did it myself - I was very impressed with Past me. And I'm really glad I never stopped singing, because I think my singing actually got much better. My screaming fell off due to lack of practice, but my hip-hop flow is right on point and my singing has gotten much better. I may not have the same range I did back then, but I think my tone, pitch accuracy and sustain are better. We'll see for sure once I fucking just reeeecoooorrrdd muuuussiiiiicccc dammit! XD

[myassbrokethefall]

I've asked this to a few people before & even done some research online but I still can't find an answer. What exactly did Kumail do to make everyone hate him? I can't find the tweets or any quotes of his saying anything unlikeable. I'm extremely confused as to why people don't like him. I love Kumail!

This just got really, super long so I’m putting it under a cut, sigh. Below is basically every thought I have ever had about Kumail, although I didn’t intend that when I started. 

Short answer to your question: As I recall, he pretty much joined in the “”””””teasing”””””” of shippers that 1013 thinks is hilarious and fun for all, and said something like “you THINK you want that, but you don’t really want it.” This is, y’know, patronizing and infuriating, and very gendered as the shipper-teasing always has been for the, y’know, 24 years that we have been subjected to it. And it was extra infuriating coming from someone who had been “one of us.” And then after fans responded negatively to that, he responded negatively back and got in a bunch of internet fights with fans about it, and when it was insinuated to him that condescending to shippers and telling them they didn’t really know what they wanted because they were sex-addled dumdums was offensive in a pretty gendered way, he got VERY defensive about that because he didn’t like being told he was being sexist and then it just got more hostile from there. I’m not on Twitter and didn’t directly witness any of this stuff, but that is my understanding.

That’s really all you need to read, but I typed all this other crap about the podcast and my feelings and how I feel it all unfolded so click the readmore if you care. 

One reason I liked Kumail’s podcast so much was that I thought it hit the PERFECT note, at the perfect time, of unbridled affection for the show, and revisiting it in a way that had to do with nostalgia and love and all that, while also not making excuses for the less good things that it did. But while doing that, remaining good-natured about it in a very generous way. He seemed very aware of, not only the sexist/racist stuff that the show would do, but just the general plot holes or bad writing moments that it would have, and he and his guests would talk about it and kind of poke fun at it – but in a loving way. Like, we love this show, warts and all. But crucially: not in a way that you would watch, say, Gone with the Wind and be like, my GOD this is horrible, it’s from another time, we just have to discount everything it’s saying basically but boy you can enjoy this old-timey acting and this irrelevant time capsule of a story or whatever. 

I don’t think he did this intentionally, or not entirely, but what Kumail did with his podcast for X-Files was, in essence, give a modern audience permission to love it in a modern way, to love it and not feel that they had to make excuses for loving it, despite its flaws. He basically was an ambassador from Current Times And Current Sensibilities that guided us through the show again. At least that’s how I felt about it. I would watch it and be like, this is so white-man-y, the synthesizer music, I love this show but it’s starting to feel dated. And something about that exact moment in time combined with Kumail’s cred as a fan and a personality (and yes, him being a POC didn’t hurt in that area either) just kind of renewed the show, I feel like for me and probably for other people as well. He helped make it cool again. His unabashed fanboy love for it, combined with his ability to good-naturedly acknowledge and lance, in a way, its bad parts just made me love it in a way I hadn’t in years. It felt like some time capsule around the show had been broken and it was living and breathing in our current world again. It felt like an acknowledgment that it was worthy of love, and not in an “aw, isn’t Grandpa adorable” way, but a vital, current, modern-day love; that it was still holding up as a real piece of art. He didn’t pretend it wasn’t 20 years old, but when he would say something like how great an effect still looked and how amazing the work on it was it didn’t feel condescending; it felt like he was embracing all aspects of it, its age included, with a respect that came naturally. It invited the show back into our everyday affections again, warts and all. And he did it a HUGE, HUGE favor, I think, in that way. 

I’m probably not explaining it well. I never stopped loving the show and I don’t need the show to be popular or trendy to love it. But it hadn’t felt like a particularly relevant piece of culture for a long while, and it was kind of exhilarating to hear all these people talking about it and giving it such close attention, and putting it to the test almost, and it holding up. Most of the people on the show were fans but they weren’t, like, FANS. They hadn’t been posting on message boards about the show for years. They were regular-ish people and they were talking about the show in a serious, in-depth way that showed both how much they respected it and how much they genuinely adored it. I’m sure there were a ton of other factors, but it’s my belief that this gave a big boost to the “cred” of the show in a way that helped pave the way for the revival. The time became right to love X-Files again, not just for us faithful but for everyone, and I think part of that is just timing, but I think the podcast was a bit of a catalyst in moving that along. 

And one of the things I liked about the podcast was that Kumail always loved the Mulder/Scully relationship. He didn’t talk about it that much, it wasn’t really his priority, but he would mention the sexual tension and whatever sometimes. He wasn’t one of those people who were like “ew, no, they’re like brother and sister!” or “that would ruin the show!” or “it’s not about them, it’s about the aliens!” or whatever. He never seemed like a person who would be like “come on, you don’t really want them together!” Sometimes he would even seem ever so slightly starry-eyed over it, in the good-natured way of someone who just likes everything about the thing he likes. 

And then pretty much the one thing I objected to about how he was on the podcast (other than it being a sausage fest most of the time) was that he would agree, I felt, too easily with whatever people were saying, especially if he admired them (e.g. if they were from 1013). I would hear people say stuff that was not what he had said on previous podcasts and he would just kind of unthinkingly (it seemed) go along with it in a way that sometimes bugged me. 

So, yeah. What it felt like to me was, he became buddies with Glen and Darin and all the folks and sort of jumped on that insider bandwagon, and went along with what they were saying in the way he tended to do, which, as we all know, is: the shippers don’t know what they want, the fans want the same thing they’ve always had, Chris knows best, the best thing about the show is the stories and the great writing and that’s always been the case, the people who have always made the show should continue to make the show because they know how to do it and what it needs and they understand it the best and outsiders wouldn’t know how to do it right, there have always been cliffhangers and nothing has ever been resolved and questions are never answered and that’s what people like and there’s no reason to ever do it differently because it’s always been successful in the past, the shippers are a “vocal minority,” and so on. It felt extra maddening when he would say stuff like that because, in my view at least, when he was on the podcast he was never like that. I always felt he loved Mulder and Scully and cared about their characters and enjoyed their interactions and was rooting for more of them, and also that he was pretty attuned to how the show worked and what was good and bad about how it operated, and he loved and forgave it but he never seemed to just handwave the dumb stuff. For me, whether he sat in his room daydreaming about Mulder and Scully boning was not the issue; he seemed to understand that the characters and their interaction were a major appeal of the show to many people and an important part of what made the show special, which to me feels like the biggest divide anyway. 

I’m rambling, but it felt like he was this innocent third party who was unaware for the most part of the undercurrent of discontent in the fandom, not only having to do with MSR, but in general with all the “teasing” and the retconning and the “the audience says they want answers/resolution, but they really don’t, that’s how they like it, they love being tortured, no one is ever safe on The X-Files.” And it was like, he went into the circle almost as our representative in a way, and 1013 got hold of him and was like “so don’t listen to these people, they are whiny idiots” and instead of thinking critically about that or maybe having some understanding as to why people were frustrated, he just jumped straight to “got it! They are whiny idiots!” And we had been cheering him on and he was ONE OF US and it was like, he TURNED on us. That’s how it felt. 

This is already way, way, WAY too long and I’m not going to harp on the whole thing of how the fans who have always loved the show the most and been most passionate about it and kept it alive and produced creative works about it and supported it the hardest have been the shippers and the people who were in it for the character stuff, and how the majority of those folks have been women, and how 1013 has never seemed to take the female portion of its audience particularly seriously and has always seemed to have a very love/hate relationship with the parts of its fandom that it doesn’t consider to be the “real” audience that’s watching the show the “right” way. But it felt, to me at least, that on his podcast Kumail was breaking down some of those old walls and was embracing the show in a way that felt more like how I had always loved it and less like the ‘90s neckbeards who were just in it for the conspiracy theories and the violence and would scoff at the shippers for not understanding the show. It felt like he was about the new way of watching the show in this current time in which the world has opened up more and things are more inclusive and more diverse and there are more voices and it’s no longer OK to just shut out a portion of your audience and make fun of them because they’re not you. And so, when it felt like he was just jumping right in with 1013 and going along with their inflammatory party line, it felt like a betrayal. I think that’s one reason folks got so angry. It was like, we were all on this journey with him, he GOT IT, he got why the show was so great but he was like, a modern person that we could trust, and then it was like, he turned around and said, not YOU, not YOU annoying types who have always said you wanted this SILLY thing that no one REALLY wants, YOU don’t get to come, I didn’t mean YOU. It felt like that. 

And then, you have the other part of the story, which was: after becoming aware of who Kumail was, his podcast, how popular it was, after he came on set to do his role that Darin wrote for him and he was excited and starry-eyed, and he was this media personality that had all this cred (including, again, POC cred), of course they would be glad to have him on board as far as boosting the show and going to Comic Con and doing official stuff for the show and tweeting about the show, etc. And all the while they were doing that and happily accepting the younger, modern, more diverse audience that Kumail had helped bring to the show, they were writing Babylon. I mean, among other ways they fell short, but they wrote Babylon, and whether they knew that was offensive or not almost didn’t matter, because they didn’t CARE if it was offensive, or at least, not enough to check with anyone who would actually be able to give them a qualified answer on that, such as, for example, the hip young personality who was giving them a bunch of free promotion and cred that they were delighted to make the most of. So it was like, they were glad to have Kumail around while he was being a starry-eyed deferential fan, but it wasn’t like they actually got to know him, or know people like him, or see people of his background as human beings or the “real” audience any more than the shippers. So then he got the same treatment, in a way: he thought he was part of it all, they were happy to use him for ratings or whatever, but then at the last minute he got this very loud reminder that, they didn’t really mean YOU, not if you’re going to be like THAT, not THAT kind of person, not THAT part of the audience, not “special interests,” the REGULAR people and the NORMAL people who make up the REAL audience won’t care about this niche issue. So that has to have felt bad. And part of the reason I know it must have felt bad is that it felt bad when 1013, including Kumail, did it to me (in a completely different way of course) weeks before. (And before that, but the backlash to the breaking up of Mulder and Scully really brought on 1013′s “shippers are crazy” rhetoric in a way that hadn’t happened since pretty much before FTF, when they started monetizing it. Retro indeed.)

So it kind of sucks all around. Kumail said some shitty stuff to fans, and I also feel like 1013 really used him in a way. I pretty much feel crummy about the entire thing and every time I remember how excited we all were that Kumail was going to be in an episode, I wince. Not because I hate Kumail, because I don’t, but because the whole thing just went sour and it sucks, for us and for him. 

That’s my way overcomplicated take on it. As I said, I’ve also known people who have had unpleasant encounters with Kumail online and in real life, and it sounds like he’s a little pugnacious and reactive in a way that I don’t like. So I can understand people not liking him, and that’s allowed. I still like him, even if some of my enthusiasm for him has dimmed.