#maddie's warm smile and buck's small giggle... siblings of all time <3

[flimsy-spine]

anon requested ⇢ Maddie & Buck in Fight or Flight, 2.13

[bisexualbuck]

To Be Loved, To Belong

Day One of the Evan Buckley Week 2020! The prompt was “That’s my family” + fluff

Summary: 5 times Buck almost tells his family what they mean to him.

+1 time he does.

[Read on AO3]

(Full text under read more)

1. Maddie

Buck will never blame Maddie for cutting contact with him while she was under Doug’s hold. Anytime she tries to bring it up and apologize, he tells her he knows it’s not her fault.

Because it isn’t. It has never been and it never will be.

He is only glad that she is free of that abusive relationship and that she is making a new life for herself. Every time they see each other, he feels the same endless pride for his sister who survived, who made it out, by herself.

Having her in his life again after so long is something he will never tire of. Growing up with such an age difference could have prevented them from being as close as they are, but the way they were raised made sure that they did.

Something that Buck can say, is that Maddie raised him more than their parents ever did. He is so thankful for her, although he would never tell it to her face, unless in very exceptional circumstances. She is still his sister and it’s his obligation to annoy her as much as humanly possible.

He smiles at the sight of Maddie laughing with Hen and Athena. He loves these moments, with all of the people he cares about, together in the same place.

Maddie has made herself a place in this group of people effortlessly, and sometimes it feels like she has always been a part of their little family.

Family.

Yes, this is a family. His family.

The thought is so sudden that it makes him want to weep.

All his life, that’s what he has longed for. A family. To be loved. To belong.

Growing up, it was only him and Maddie, with their parents around, not invested. A family by blood but not by love. It had been enough for the two siblings, because they had no other choice.

But now, Buck isn’t as alone anymore.

He has a family and he can share it with his sister.

They have made it. They have built themselves a true family, a family that they have chosen and that stays and that loves, not because they feel an obligation to, but because the choose to.

Every day these people make the conscious decision to love one another and to be there for each other.

Buck has never thought that he could have that, and now he has.

He is so happy he could cry.

“Earth to Evan.” It’s Maddie. He didn’t even notice her until she spoke, too deep in thoughts. “What’s got you looking so thoughtful? That’s never a good thing.”

It’s you, he wants to say. It’s this family that we’ve made.

We’ve made it, Mads, he wants to say. We’re not alone anymore.

This is our family.

Instead, he smiles and says, “Nothing. I’m just happy.”

“Oh, Evan,” she hugs him, and he thinks maybe she has heard the words he could not find. “I’m happy too.”

He knows she is. It’s like he can finally be at peace, knowing that his sister is safe and loved like she deserves to be.

.

2. Hen

Hen opens the door seconds before the bell has even finished ringing.

“Thanks for coming on your day off like that. I owe you one big time.”

Buck shakes his head, offering a smile. “You don’t owe me anything.”

Her face is soft as she looks at him, and he almost squirms under her gaze. He is getting better at accepting open testimony of affection but he is still not quite there yet. Some part of him might always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, for people to leave him.

“Still,” she says. “Thank you. Our sitter called sick last minute and Karen and I both need to be present for the meeting.”

“Hen,” Buck cuts, gently. “It’s fine. You know I love the little dude. I’m just gonna help Denny with his homework, as you asked, and maybe we’ll watch a movie if we have time. It’s all fine.”

Karen chooses that moment to arrive, holding Nia in her arms. She rushes to Buck’s side and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.

He takes the chance to pull a face at Nia, and is proud to make her giggle. He laughs too, and continues playing with her for a few seconds, only stopping because he knows that Karen and Hen have to get going.

“She’s so cute, guys. I’m so glad for you.”

“You’re too sweet, Buck,” she says and he blushes. Karen has always intimidated him but she is also kind and loving, and like every vaguely parental figure in his life, he craves her approval. “We’ve left some cash for dinner in case we run too late.”

She bids him goodbye after one last reminder that Denny needs to study for a coming history test.

Hen stills at the door, Nia’s diaper bag in her hands. She gives Buck one more thankful look and he wants nothing more but for it to stop because he has never known what to do when he’s being thanked.

Especially since he has no problem helping out. Denny is a good kid, as smart and kind as his mothers. It really is no trouble spending one afternoon with him.

“How can I thank you, Buck?” Hen asks.

You’re family, he wants to say. You never have to thank me.

“Go to your meeting,” he says instead. “We’ll be fine.”

She is gone with one last smile, and Buck spends a great afternoon with a great kid, his heart full of love for this family that he belongs to.

And when Hen and Karen come back with Nia, Buck stays for dinner, grateful to share the moment with them, grateful for them.

That night, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

.

3. Chimney

“Could you at least try not to end up in the hospital so often?”

“Like you can talk, Mister I-Spit-In-Death’s-Face-On-The-Regular,” Buck shots back easily, glad that the effects of the anesthesia have worn off. “The hospital’s given you a loyalty card yet?”

Chimney laughs the comment off and he comes to sit next to Buck’s hospital bed, choosing instead to punch him lightly in the shoulders. He is carrying a bag that smells like delicious Indian food.

“Here,” Chim says. “Hospital food sucks.”

“Thank you, man,” he breathes out as he takes the plate Chim is holding out to him. “I owe you my entire life.”

“No, thanks, I’m not interested.”

If Buck wasn’t too busy wolfing down his meal, he would have found something to retort. He has not eaten in hours, ever since he woke up this morning, feeling like hell. He had driven himself to the ER – which Bobby gave him a earful for on the phone when he found out – where the doctors told him what he had already guessed.

His appendix was inflamed, and he needed to be operated.

It’s a small operation and he would not even spend the night at the hospital. In fact, Chimney is here to pick him up as Buck will be discharged soon enough.

“How are you feeling?” Chim asks when Buck is done with his food.

“Honestly, I’m fine,” Buck replies and he puts his hand on his belly. “It’s nothing. I’ll be back to work in no time. You won’t even have time to miss me too much, baby.”

He gives Chimney an exaggerated wink and – okay, maybe he is still feeling a little bit the anesthesia.

“Baby?” Chim laughs. “You’re the worst. Why the hell do I even keep you around.”

“Well, we work together and you’re basically my brother-in-law at this point, so it’s not like you have choice.”

Chim gives him a long look, amused but Buck can also read tenderness in it.

“Sure,” he says at last. “The fact that I’m dating your sister is definitely the only reason I’d come to see you in the hospital on my day off. It’s not like you’re my friend or anything.”

Buck blames the meds again for the way his eyes feel not as dry as they ought to be.

He almost says it, then.

You’re my family, whether you’re dating my sister or not.

Thank you for coming two hours before they release me to keep me company.

He doesn’t say it.

“You have great taste in friends then,” he jokes instead and neither mention how is voice sounds a little too wet.

“That’s debatable, Buck.”

Chimney stays until Buck is released, and he stays some more when he drops Buck off at his place. He stays until Buck’s showered and tucked in bed, though he makes sure to tease him the whole time.

Buck feels like he will never get used to people so openly caring about him.

He hopes it never stops.

.

4. Bobby & Athena

Bobby’s face lights up as he notices Athena coming up the stairs, and he hurries to drop the towel he has been using to dry the dishes. Buck snorts and picks it up to finish cleaning up, Bobby cooked for the team anyway, he should not have been helping out Buck in the first place.

“Hello, Buckaroo,” Athena calls when she sees him, and he beams at her in return.

“Hey.” He puts down the last plate and turns fully towards the couple. “ You’re having a good day? Cap’ made cookies so my day is going great.”

“Why do you think I’m here?” she jokes.

Bobby pretends to look hurt but the glint in his eyes betrays him, “I’m going to pretend I didn’t just hear that.”

Buck is suddenly hit by the image of Bobby, more than two years ago, breaking down as he asked for help.

To see him smiling, joking with his wife, warms Buck’s heart with more emotion than he could voice. Both Bobby and Athena have been through so much and they found one another and built themselves up, they have become each other’s pillar of strength.

He admires them so much – loves them dearly, and he is bursting with the need to say it.

I love you two like you’re my actual parents.

You’re the family I’ve searched for my whole life.

Buck swallows it all down. Maybe one day, he will find the courage to say it out loud.

“I’m not sure there’ll be any cookies left though,” Bobby says with a sorry smile. “I didn’t know you were gonna drop by. I would have kept you a few otherwise.”

“It’s fine,” Athena assures. “This wasn’t planned, I was just close-by.”

“You can have mine,” Buck blurts out. “I’ve kept a few for later but I’ve already had too much anyway.”

“Oh, Buckaroo,” she says, looking sincerely touched. “Aren’t you the sweetest?”

He blushes and ducks his head. She laughs at him, gentle, and pinches his cheek.

If, at the beginning, someone had told him that he would hold Athena in such high esteem, he would have laughed. They did have a rocky start, but he is glad that they are past that now.

She goes to get the cookies he has set asides, he expects Bobby to follow suit but he stays behind, giving him a pointed look, not saying anything at all.

“What?” Buck breaks.

“I know you haven’t had any cookies, Buck.”

It’s true. Since it was his turn to do the dishes, he kept his for afterwards. He shrugs, not knowing what to say.

“You’re a good man.”

Buck feels warm with the praise but his first reflex, as always, is to dismiss it.

“It’s just cookies,” he says.

“I’ll make another batch tomorrow,” Bobby promises, a soft proud smile on his lips.

“You don’t have to – ”

“I know.”

With that, Bobby goes to his wife, and Buck feels right at home, in his station, surrounded by his family.

.

5. Eddie & Christopher

Buck jumps at every chance he has to spend time with Eddie and Christopher. He feels bad about it at times, like he shouldn’t intrude so much.

The one time Buck tried to bring it up to Eddie, the only answer he received was a heavy stare and a promise of, “You could never intrude, Buck.”

He has to remind himself those words whenever he feels like he should leave, let the two spend a day just together. But it’s so hard, and he is to selfish.

And he loves them so much.

It’s so easy to be with them too, they welcome him into their family with opened arms, and he can’t help but feel complete with them, like this is what he has been searching for, and now that he has them in his life, he does not have to look anymore.

He loves them. And he knows they love him, but he still worries that he doesn’t mean as much to them as they do to him.

“Are you okay, Buck?” Christopher asks him and Buck jolts with the knowledge that he has been lost in his thoughts for too long.

Eddie, thankfully, is getting them ice cream and as such has not been able to notice Buck’s slight change in mood. Good, because otherwise he would drill him until Buck gave in and told him about his insecurities.

“I’m good, buddy.”

Christopher is a smart kid, and he is clearly not fooled by Buck’s answer.

“Dad says you should tell people if you’re sad.”

“I’m not sad,” Buck protests. “I’m happy. You make me happy – you and your dad.”

It’s the truth. They make him happy. He smiles at Christopher, the kid that he wishes could be his, the kid he wants to help Eddie raise.

He lets that joy spread through him, warm his body and his soul. He will take whatever he can take, and he will be happy with it.

He already is.

Christopher seems satisfied, he smiles brightly at Buck who can do nothing but to smile back just as brightly.

“What’s got you two so happy?” Eddie asks as he comes back, holding three cups of ice cream. He is smiling too at the sight of his son and his best friend so joyful.

“We just are,” Christopher says – simple as that.

Eddie’s face does something very complicated that Buck can’t follow, his emotions changing fast before settling on a tender, soft expression.

“So am I, then.”

It’s not until Christopher has wandered off a bit, not far enough that they can’t see him, that Eddie brings it up again.

“So what was that about?”

“What was what about?” Buck asks, his gaze locked on Christopher.

How much he loves that kid. Buck wants to be there for him for as long as he lives, if they will let him.

How much he wants. Going back to his flat at night, to its empty rooms and its heavy silence – he hates it. He wants to stay with them, always, he wants to wake up next to Eddie and fix Christopher his breakfast and bring him to school.

He wants. He longs.

“Buck?”

The words are right there and he has to bite his lips to keep them in.

I love you. I’m in love with you.

I love your kid like he’s my own

You’re my family.

I want this, all of it.

“He said it,” Buck says at last. “We’re just happy.”

Eddie gives him a curious look but he does not press.

“You deserve to be.”

“So do you, Eddie.”

“I am.”

Buck breaks the eye contact first, feeling himself blush. Eddie nudges him with his shoulder and they share a laugh as they watch Christopher coming back to them, going as fast as his legs will carry him.

He is happy, truly, and that’s the only thing that matters.

.

+1

It’s all of them again, something that happens both often and yet too rarely.

There’s no particular reason for it, except that they could all make it, and it’s a wonderful sunny day in Los Angeles.

And they all love each other.

Because this is a family, and that’s what families do.

He does not think he could ever get tired of the thought. They are all there, sitting outside in the sun, having finished a great meal, the kids are playing close, their laughter filling up the air.

Every person that he cares about, in the same place, at once. What else could he ever ask for?

He feels a hand on his shoulder. He blinks, getting his head back into the present.

“You’re alright, Buck?” Bobby asks.

He is. He is happy.

He wants to say it, out loud, with pride.

He does not want to fight the urge back anymore. He wants to say these words he has been carrying with him for so long.

Because he has been able to say it to other people but never to them. He owes them the truth.

“I never thought I’d have this.”

Everyone’s attention turns to him, the words blurted out too loudly not to.

“What do you mean?” Athena asks, not unkindly.

He hesitates.

“A family.”

There’s a beat of silence. Buck looks away, but now that he has opened the damn, the words can’t be stopped. They rush out his mouth with desperate precipitation.

“I mean, Maddie and I, we had a family, sort of. Our parents, they’re – well, they’re not great.” He knows he is rambling but he can’t bring himself to stop the inflow of words. “And I thought it was always just gonna be just the two of us, but now like, I look at all of you and it’s just – I know, I tell myself, these people, here, that’s my family. Our family.”

He pauses. “Is that a weird thing to say? I’ve made it weird, right?”

“No, Buck,” Hen reassures from where she’s sitting across from him. “Of course not.”

“And you’re right,” Chim continues. “This is a family.”

If Buck could see himself in a mirror, he would probably be all red, with eyes too shiny.

Some part of him, the part that has always been ready to run, to let people go before they can abandon him, wants to run away from the moment. There is too much emotion all around, too much sympathy in everyone’s gaze as they look at him.

Eddie’s hand finds his under the table and squeezes, and Buck turns to see his boyfriend giving him a loving smile.

“Yeah?” Buck asks, softly.

“Yes.”

Buck looks up, he catches Maddie’s eyes and in them, he reads the same gratitude for these people, for that new chance at a family that they have been given.

Bobby raises his glass.

“To family,” he says.

“To family,” they all echo.

Eddie’s hand in his, his family around him, this is where Buck belongs.

Life has never been so kind.