#lyrics from hoy tengo que decirte papá

[zafirosreverie]

Por amor al arte (Julieta x Fem!Reader) part 13

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You took a deep breath as you walked carefully through the cemetery, carrying a bouquet of daisies. You were always filled with a strange peace when you came here as if the souls of the departed were greeting you on the way to the cold cradle of your child.

You weren't always alone, there were often a few other people visiting their dead. You just didn't expect to see her. You didn't know if you should interfere, not wanting to interrupt her moment with Agustín, but from the way her hands dug into the dirt and the heartbreaking movement of her shoulders as she cried, you knew you should at least let her know you were there, just in case she needed something.

"Luisa?" you said, approaching slowly.

The young woman froze for a moment before turning her head slightly to look at you out of the corner of her eye. You could see how she was trying to wipe her tears away, but her hands were dirty and she only managed to stain her face. You tried not to wince too much at the frustrated moan she let out.

"Here" you told her, offering her a handkerchief

“T-thank you”

You nodded and squeezed her shoulder lightly before taking one of the daisies and threading it through her braid.

"I'll be over there if you need anything, sweetheart" you smiled at her and walked away.

Luisa sipped a little and followed you with her eyes. She was confused. She didn't use to come to visit her father's grave because she didn't want anyone to see her like that. It was true that there weren't many people who took advantage of her gift anymore, but that didn't mean that her image of a strong woman who endured everything had dissipated. Even when she accompanied her sisters or her mother, she would always remain silent, holding back her tears.

The first (and only) time she had come alone to cry, a few people had come up to her. Some looked at her with pity and others as if she was being dramatic. She hated that they made her feel bad about missing her father as if she should be over it by now. That's why she hadn't come back until that moment when she couldn't stand the sadness anymore.

She had been thankful that the place was half empty and she didn't think much of it as she fell to her knees and let her tears flow freely. But she didn't expect you to find her. Since that conversation with Dolores about her mother's new feelings for you, Luisa had run away from you a bit. It wasn't that she didn't like you or anything like that, it was just that it was difficult for her to fight with so many feelings inside her.

On the one hand, she wanted mom to be happy, she wanted her to smile again like she used to. But it was too painful to think of someone else hugging and kissing her that wasn't her father. She forced herself to remember Isabela's words: “just because she loves someone else doesn't mean she’s going to replace dad” she had said “her heart is big enough to love us all” her sister had promised.

And she didn't doubt it, but her real concern was something else: if they managed to get you together...would you love them as Agustín had? You were a wonderful mother to Eliza and you got along very well with Isabela, but what about Mirabel and her? Would you love them too? She was afraid to think that the answer was no.

And yet, here you were, offering her the chance to come to you if she needed anything, but without pressuring her. You had not seen her with pity or annoyance, but with understanding and compassion. You had even given her one of the flowers that she now saw were for your son. And you offered her the option to approach you if she wanted to.

Luisa didn't know when her mind made the decision, but she stood up and slowly walked towards you. She didn't know if you had really meant it or if you were just being nice, but looking at her father's grave had suddenly become more difficult and she realized that she didn't want to be alone.

You blinked as a figure approached you and were surprised to see Luisa standing a few feet away, fiddling with her fingers as she stared at the ground. She looked like a little girl who didn't know how to ask her mother for something and you couldn't help but smile at her.

"Hello" she said awkwardly, "c-can I…can I sit with you?"

She looked almost cute with the way her cheeks flushed and looked away as if waiting for you to reject her. Sweet girl.

"Of course" you told her

Luisa looked at you in surprise, but she moved closer to you anyway and sat up when you patted the ground next to you. She didn't miss the fact that you never stopped smiling at her. It wasn't a fake smile as if you didn't really want her there but you were being polite, but it was really a warm smile that invited her to find comfort in you. It reminded her so much of her mother's smile.

You two were silent for a while until you gently took the girl's trembling hand. You knew that she might be feeling a bit uncomfortable, but you would at least try to calm her down a bit. You knew how much it hurt to be alone here.

"How do you do it?" she asked you, at last, subconsciously squeezing your hand a little

"What thing?" you asked, stroking her knuckles with your thumb.

"...come here" she whispered "I...I've seen you come here often...sometimes with mom...how do you make it not hurt so much?"

"It always hurts" you admitted

Luisa finally looked at you, her brows furrowed in confusion. You just smiled at her again and moved a little closer to her, thankful that she didn't back away. The difference in height was almost comical, but she was still a lost child.

"It always hurts to come here" you repeated "...but it would hurt more not to"

She looked at your son's grave for a moment. She just couldn't understand how you could take so much pain, how you could look at that little mound of dirt and not cry. Maybe it was because you were older, maybe because you were a mother…maybe you were just stronger and braver than she would ever be. And for some reason, that made her want to cry again.

"I'm a failure, right?" she whispered. She had no intention of saying it out loud, but she did and you heard it.

"What?" you frowned “Of course not. What makes you think that?"

You were more than ready to go kick some ass if you had to. You knew a lot of people had said horrible things about her when she had no powers, and even now, people would sometimes complain that she wouldn't do as much for them as she used to (seriously, why the hell did they have donkeys if they didn't know how to keep them in their damn stables?!). If someone said something to make her think she was a failure, you were going to break bones and tell Julieta so she wouldn't heal them.

"You come here so often" she told you "...you lost a son and yet you can come almost daily without crying...I couldn't even stay by my father's grave for more than a few minutes without feeling suffocated"

She didn't want to cry anymore in front of you, she really didn't! But then you stood up so you could wrap your arms around her and it took her by surprise. When someone hugged her, they would usually pull her down, almost never trying to move to get on HER level. Only her parents had. And the way your hand undid her bun to free her hair and run your hand over her scalp, finished breaking her reservations.

You were surprised when she buried her face in your stomach and squeezed you tighter, but you managed to keep your balance and let her cry freely on you. It also didn't go unnoticed by you that playing with her hair seemed to help her calm down a bit. Like mother like daughter, huh?

“You shouldn't compare your pain with others’ ” you said softly “Maybe I lost a son, but you said goodbye to your father and neither loss is worse than the other. It's not selfish to feel pain just because you think others have it worse."

"But I'm supposed to be the strong one, I'm supposed to take more"

“No one has the right to ask you to endure more than you can, Luisa” you scolded her softly “No one can tell you how much or how long you can cry. And that doesn't make you any less strong. You are braver than you think."

The girl sobbed more and she squeezed you a little harder, maybe a little too much. It was a bit painful, but you didn't complain. Besides, she seemed to remember that she had her powers back and she loosened her grip on you after a few seconds.

"It doesn't feel like that." She shook her head.

“Mi vida, the bravest and strongest act you can do is to let yourself feel” you whispered into her hair, holding her tightly against you “It takes a lot of strength to get back where you know you'll hurt. And lots of love"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you think the pantheon is almost always empty?" you asked “Precisely because it hurts. It hurts to have to deal with feelings, pain, sadness. It hurts to remember. It hurts so much more when the love is still there. And not everyone has the courage to face it... but you do. You did it, you are here because the love for your father is stronger than the pain.”

Luisa seemed to process your words as you continued stroking her hair. She had never seen it that way, she thought that crying for him after so many months was something that made her weak. But you made her feel that that wasn't the case, that it was okay and not stupid and for her own good, she was willing to believe you.

You could feel the moment that she really understood your words when her shoulders stopped shaking so much and her breathing began to regulate. She didn't pull away from you right away, but you were fine with that, you just continued to gently scratch the back of her neck, giving her the time she needed to feel a little bit better. 

“...you know” you began tentatively “a while ago I composed a song for Daniel…on behalf of the twins but…he doesn't deserve it. It's yours if you want it."

The girl in your arms thought about it for a moment. She didn't understand why would you give her something so personal, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't curious. So she lightly nodded, still not letting go of you.

"Today I have to tell you dad, that time will not change anything, we will always be together" you began to sing softly "Today I have to tell you dad, I love you, more than anyone, and when I'm by your side all the fear is gone"

Luisa gasped silently. How was it possible that without knowing you before the accident, you could describe so perfectly what she felt for her father? What kind of magic did you have?

“I'm going to grow to your great size” you continued, making her laugh lightly as you ruffled her hair in a soft tease. “And the world I'll see as you do. I will understand you much more and better, and in life I will win”

She finally pulled away from you when you finished singing. She was grateful that you shared something so cute with her and she couldn't help but smile when she realized that the memories of her father weren't so painful anymore.

"You're right" she told you "Daniel didn't deserve it"

You laughed and wiped her cheeks with your thumbs, not caring that your shirt was soaked with her tears. In a merely instinctive act of motherhood, you leaned down to place a soft kiss on her forehead. To Luisa's surprise, it actually comforted her, it felt like a true kiss of motherly love and she knew in that instant that her fears about you were unfounded.

"...can you walk me to daddy's grave?" she asked nervously

"Of course" she answered almost immediately, offering her a hand.

Luisa was surprised, but she quickly stood up and took your hand, letting you guide her to Agustín's grave. When you didn't let her go or show any signs of leaving her alone, she knew that yes, if the plan worked and her mother was going to love someone else, she was more than happy it was you, because it was obvious that you would love her and her sisters and she couldn't ask for more from life.

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Julieta tag: @emril-osvigne @smolgayhooman