#luke: i hate this whole planet.

[woodlandwrites]

i. mind over matter

aphrodite!reader x luke castellan

pre-tlt, characters 18+, mdni, def going to be a pt.2

warnings: cursing, whole lotta impertinence!

2.7k read - unedited

You have been plagued by flocks of doves and Luke Castellan. So Aphrodite decides to meddle a little a lot in your love life. Who needs memories anyway? Unfortunately, the only person you find comfort in - is the very person you hate.

A/N: first fic in a loooong time - stick with me here. there will be more parts and maybeee some spice? anyways hope you enjoy!

You’d like to think that Aphrodite loved the game of making you miserable. In retrospect, you hated your mother. She was a hard act to follow. 

Don’t jump to conclusions - you loved your cabin. Your brothers and sisters were wonderful - not vain like most campers would say. No, that was not an issue. The problem started with one slender, curly haired, crooked smile boy - Luke Castellan. He was the golden boy of Camp Half-Blood and the bane of your existence. 

Luke was an astonishingly aggravating self-centered egotistical bigot. 

“Why do you hate him so much,” Silena asked one day out of the blue. You both sat in the stands watching Luke teach his swordsmanship class. You pondered her question for a while.

“Because. He confuses me - and aggravates me constantly. I have never met anyone so full of themselves in my entire life. He is Narcissus reborn again. It also does not help that he is a complete jerk,” you nodded as you ate another fresh strawberry. Silena pondered on your words.

“Are you sure this has nothing to do with mom and the whole..argument,” she said in a cautionary tone.

Silena was the only one who knew about you and Aphrodite’s - complicated past. To be fair - she didn’t know the entire truth. The prophecy, the impertinence, all the bullshit. However, she did know that your shoulders seemed to tense every time Aphrodite’s name was mentioned. 

“I mean every time I have talked to him at camp counselor meetings he seems like an alright guy.

Silena - forever the optimist. Sometimes when you looked at her through the corner of your eye she resembled your mother. She had this soft tone and locks of hair that seemed to always catch the wind just right. Yeah, no wonder Luke was nice to her. Selina was extremely beautiful - Beckendorf struck gold. 

“Yeah, I can see right through the façade-” you were cut off by a dove landing next to you. He started pecking at your strawberries mindlessly. Silena stifled a small giggle. 

“It is funny when it isn’t happening to you. The bastards have been following me around for days,” you said annoyed.

You tried scaring the bird away - only for more to return. After a couple minutes an estimated 20 doves flocked around you mimicking every move. 

“Go away!” you screamed - only for the feathered friends to cock their heads in curiosity. By now, the entire arena seemed to convert their attention to you. 

“Hey! I heard if they shit on your head it’ll bring good luck,” Luke echoed watching amused.

He leaned against his sword in a cocky manner. What an asshole - you hated when he did that. The other campers seemed to laugh along. 

“Up yours, Castellan,” you yelled with a face the color of cherries. 

The doves had now increased their army to a solid 50 - all looking to you for a further instruction. Doves had followed you around your entire life - a gift your mother had bestowed to you. The unfortunate part was that they were pretty much the most non obedient monsters on the entire planet. You never had truly understood why they would appear - most of the time it was a random occurrence. Of course - Luke was always there to revel in your misfortune. You still had not forgotten when the doves caused a complete riot last month at dinner - leaving quite a mess for you to clean up. The younger campers were still traumatized. 

That was the thing about doves - they were just like your mother. At first they are nice to look at, almost sweet. That is until they turn into vicious assailants from Tartarus (Silena says you overreact). They also annoy you - another common attribute with your mother. 

“For Gods sake just leave!,” you yelled again, stomping off, bidding Silena goodbye.

You did not want to continue being entertainment for the rest of the campers. The doves seemed to take the hint - maintaining their place in the stands. You were sure there were some week old snacks stuffed between the seats the rotted things could ravish on. Luke chuckled before turning his attention back to his students. 

The sun was setting and soon it would be dinner - but you still sat in bed thinking about what Silena had mentioned early about your mom. Maybe it was your nerves - but you knew a visit soon would be unavoidable. The doves only confirmed your suspicion. It was rare for gods to visit Camp Half-Blood, at least publically. The closest thing the camp had to godliness was Mr. D - what a joke. However, you knew your mother and her constant desire to meddle with your life. 

Dinner went without a hunch - except for the Stoll twins starting a food fight at the Hermes table. You loved quiet nights like these where the summer breeze feels like a warm hug. Silena nudged you - reading her expression you knew she was inquiring about the events from earlier. A shrug sufficed. You were so caught up in laughing with your siblings you failed to notice the yelling from the other side of the pavilion. 

“One of the Ares girls was flirting with Luke after you left today - Charlie and I could not help but laugh. It was so awkward,” Silena mentioned.

 There were a couple of murmured sounds and gawking from your siblings - which was the usual. If there was one thing they loved it was - well - love. However this subject rubbed you the wrong way - maybe it was just Luke’s name being mentioned.

It felt like a suffocating gut punch and it was most likely your mothers doing. If there was anything she loved more it was demigod love - the trials and tribulations - and of course the unfortunate ends. It quite literally made you sick. But why did Luke have to be roped in it and moreover - why did you care? You smiled and nodded - trying to pay attention and not let the thoughts take over. 

“Get these goddamn things off of me!,” a familiar voice yelled in annoyance.

So wrapped up in thought - you failed to care - assuming it was a practical Hephaestus joke with an Ares kid. Selina quickly nudged you pointing towards the Hermes table - for quite an interesting scene. Luke being attacked by a merciless army of doves. 

“Hey Castellan, let them shit on your head - heard it was good luck!,” the words reflected from just a few hours prior.

You couldn’t help but giggle - it was nice not being the receiver of dove aggravated assault (as Beckendorf had termed it). It was also nice not to be the joke for once - everyone laughing at someone else for a change was different. 

“Call the damn things off,” he struggled - yelling your name in the process.

“Why do you automatically assume I am the one who set them off? They just do what they want!” you retorted.

 Silena looked at you - questioning your motives. He struggled even more as the doves thrashed him around - seemling gaining confidence in their blows. They seemed - deadly - more than before. Silena muttered your name.

“You have to try,” Silena persuaded. Reluctantly you obeyed - knowing she was being more serious than she was putting on. 

“Stop!” you yelled sternly to the winged creatures.

Like usual - they did not obey. Unfortunately, they keep going - tearing Luke’s shirt in the process. He held himself quite well against dove assassins  - a fact you did not want to admit to yourself. 

“παύω!” You spoke - pleading that it would end.

It was all your mothers fault. She wanted you to be miserable. She wanted to ruin your night, humiliate you - and to hurt Luke. You weren’t sure why that last part bothered you so much.

 “Φεύγω!” you screamed once more in an earthshaking tone.

The doves dissipated automatically. Like literally - poof - into dust. Again - the entire camp had its eyes on you - what else was new?

“What is wrong with you,” Luke questioned - still astonished at the sheer power of your voice - that very voice that made doves disintegrate. You slowly looked up at his disheveled appearance - he looked worse.

Beautiful. 

You wish that voice in your head would go suck a dick!

“Shows over, enjoy your dessert,” you said bitterly to the crowd taking a bow.

Silena yelled your name but you had already darted towards the woods. You could hear the muttering of the crowd questioning the evening entertainment. You could not seem to care. 

You took a seat in the sand on the beach overlooking the shore. The moonlight seemed to make the water sparkle like diamonds. You felt almost calm here - no one to distract you from your thoughts. Why did his words strike you like a knife? He might as well plant backbiter into your back, it would hurt less. It all led to the proper question - why? Why would the doves attack him anyway? They had never done anything quite so ruthless before - nevertheless to another sole person. 

Then again - it was always about Luke - ever since you got to the infernal camp. He was probably celebrated for his brave victory in the battle of the doves - hoisted up by other campers. You suppose a feast in his honor was in order. 

“You think such unhappy thoughts,” an angelic voice sang from the sea. 

Your attention turned towards a bundle of sea foam. The foam began to sparkle and mangle to take the shape of a woman the closer it got to shore. Soon after your mother - Aphrodite stood before you - in all her glory.

“I thought seafoam was just whale jizz,” you spoke casually. You chucked at yourself that was a good one!

Of - fucking - course. Your mother was behind the entire dove fiasco - you called it. You should start placing bets at this point. 

“Most would be labeled impertinent with that attitude - especially with a God.” 

“I am impertinent.” You shrugged, pulling your knees to your chest. Maybe if you really ignored her she would disappear. 

“I will not disappear yet - we have much to discuss.” 

“Get out of my head.” 

“I heard what occurred tonight at dinner. Shame, doves are very gentle creatures.”

A dove magically appeared in her hands, letting out a soft coo. You cringed. If you saw another dove tonight - you might just roast it and eat it. 

“So that was you?” You asked venomously.

“Well thanks mom! Now the entire camp thinks I tried to kill the golden boy with a league of killer doves. They all think I am absolutely crazy.”

“I did nothing, my child.” You gawked at her - she paused to collect her thoughts.

“However, you might want to look within yourself before you spit accusations that are not true. I merely gave you a gift - how you use it is at your own expense.” She finished. 

“But I don’t control those horrid things - they just show up and do whatever. Why would I even attack Luke with a bunch of wimpy doves?”

That was your mother, having the audacity to say you caused the incident. That it was all your fault. 

“Love, perhaps?” Her eyes seemed to glitter at the thought. 

“No.” Ugh, not this again, you thought.

“Doves are a mere - personification of one’s inner love. That is why I gave you the gift - so your innermost feelings can never be bottled. That does horrid things to one’s complexion.” 

“Well thanks for the shitty gift, mother. Next time maybe a pair of socks will do the trick.” 

“Why do you insist on denying who you are? Denying what you are destined to become? Denying yourself the love of the century?”

“Why love someone if they eventually will die.” It was true. Your father had died when you were young - leaving you an orphan. Your demigod friends you made throughout the years died horrible unspeakable deaths.

“Isn’t that all the more fun?” 

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you? You just love to see me suffer?”

“You’re being rash.” She fired back.

“Rash? Where have you been?” You scoffed at your godly mother.

“Child, I do not write destiny - I only enforce it. I know you more than you would like to admit, sweet dove. And you - are in love with the child of Hermes.”

 Apollo could’ve shot you through the chest - it would have felt better. 

“Mother, you have it mixed up - I do not have any feelings for Luke. You’re just making things up because you are bored and need some excitement. Please go back to Olympus and meddle with someone else’s life,” you stated. You staggered to your feet dusting the sand off. 

Before you could walk away a bolt of pure energy hit you in your spine. You flew to your feet hitting the ground with a hard thud. In a blur your mother was standing proud above your feet - surrounded in a pink aura. 

“Luke Castellan, he will keep you safe - and you will keep him steady.” 

You might have thought to curse at her - but you couldn’t speak - let alone move. She had disappeared from vision leaving only a dove in her wake. The pain - was excruciating - like being electrocuted a million times. Your ears rang terrible tunes as you tried to level yourself - only to fall back down. The world was spinning at an unmeasurable pace. You could hear shrill screaming - or was it yours? You weren’t even sure who you were? Only images of dark curls, broad shoulders, and crooked smiles flashed through your vision. 

A quake of footsteps running towards the shore were felt as you thrashed in the sand. Voices - yelling a name - whose name? You couldn’t recall. All you knew was darkness. 

“Y/N?!” a feminine voice called. You could feel her hands shake your shoulder violently - it felt like knives.

You heard screams - this time knowing it was your shrill cry. You pushed her away with force. You backed away, crawling backwards in desperation. 

Once your vision returned you focused to see a swarm of kids all in orange shirts - staring at you in shock. The girl who touched you - you could only assume was kneeling in the sand in front of you. She seemed to be pleading.

“Stay away, please,” you pleaded with tears streaming from your eyes. You weren’t sure what had happened but you knew you had never felt pain so deeply. 

“Y/N, please you were screaming. We only want to make sure you are okay. We can go to the infirmary and figure it out,” the girl reached out only for you to retreat more. You hyperventilate on your own words. 

“What’s going on?” another voice asked with urgency from beyond the crowd.

Every child seemed to turn their attention to focus on the male figure. Pushing his way through the crowd - he became shocked at the scene before him.

However, you felt as if all the oxygen had left your body - leaving you limp. You felt as if a hand had grabbed your heart and ripped it in two. He was the one - the one you had seen in your visions. 

“Y/N?” he questioned - half concerned, half annoyed. His chocolate eyes seemed to lock ever so easily with yours. He was indeed the most beautiful man you had ever seen - like a carving of marble. Your soul ached. Without a thought - on instinct alone - you ran. He was engulfed in a desperate hug - his shoulder muffled your pitiful cries. 

“Please, you’re the only one who can help.” You could feel the eyes on the two of you - the gasps were hard to ignore. He went stiff in his posture - not sure how to react. Silence fell over the entire shore, only the crashing of waves in the background. 

“Y/N what is going on? Is this some sort of prank?” he asked in disbelief. 

He had never seen you like this - so scared. Some small part of him wanted to scoop you up, hold you tight, and tell you everything would be okay. He wanted to tell you how he would fix all your problems - just so he would never see you cry again. Although these feelings were so suppressed he restrained.

Gods you were beautiful. 

“I- I don’t know who Y/N is. I don’t know anyone. I don’t know me.” 

[carylmeanslove]

Ha ha ha and now what? Even Boss confirmed officialy that Antonia is Luke's lady whisteldown on his sm platforms..... I feel they both will have collab with them soon ha ha another hard launch but globally! Just see the reality and Come back to this planet. This is over. L and A are happy Hot and i love write about them

LOL Obvious children with no writing skills have been sending me Asks. All these anons, reek of desperation, same as Toilet twerker's attempts to be famous.

Boss confirmed that Antonia is Luke's Lady Whistledown on social media you say? Ha! I highly doubt that. Even if it were true, it's obvious it would be due to the distraction/ruse is still going on. In time, time will reveal the truth and mark my words it will, and I can't wait for that day, because all you pitiful anons will disappear out of embarrassment and so will the attention-seeking, fame wanting, basically gold digger type, horrible dancer.

That horrible woman is NOTHING like Lady Whistledown. Lady Whistledown, who is a self-made woman. She got all the success and notoriety by her own hard work. She didn't have to ride on another's coat tails. That is all the toilet twerker does.

Underneath the actual Lady Whistledown there is Penelope. That immature horrible person is NOTHING like Penelope either. Penelope is a caring person, and she loves the people she loves with her whole heart and would do anything to protect them. Colin wants to protect Penelope too and look out for her due to how much he loves her and due to how she is such a loving, caring and wonderful person and that continues even after the LW reveal.

Antonia is NOTHING like the caring and loving person that is Penelope. If she was, she wouldn't have been trying to steal attention from Nicola after every post all year. Luke would have wanted to protect Antonia like Colin wanted to protect Penelope/LW, but Luke didn't do that. He did, however, protect Nicola all due to people thinking he was shading her over cake fondant, and he did it in the speed of light too. Also, all Antonia does is cause people to hate on Luke more with every bad behavior. Is that protecting him? Nope.

The truth is that the person Luke considers like Penelope/LW is the love of his life, Nicola. He confirmed it on the WT. That is hard confirmed too. Like, there is actual video of him saying it. Go watch the interviews of the Brazil stop to be exact, Luke described Nicola as being like both Penelope and LW and why and it was all true too. Antonia has none of those qualities. He also confirmed Nicola is Penelope/LW it in a printed interview too. Saying that Nicola is that character.

Antonia can also only wish to be SERIOUSLY considered even remotely like Aphrodite or even Tinkerbell. Ha! Those characters, like Penelope/LW are beloved and will be remembered throughout history. I can say confidently that miss thang won't. She won't last in the entertainment industry because you have to have likability and NO ONE likes her due to her behavior and personality, her aura even. Even you guys will get over her after the truth is revealed.

My advice for Antonia is she needs to go get a degree in a non-entertainment industry job, because the one she chose has a shelf life. She doesn't have the ability or likability to sustain a career in the entertainment industry. She also needs to develop a hard work ethic and reach where is it she wants to be with the sweat of her own brow. It's the only way to truly be proud of any accomplishment one might receive in life.

So anyway, to wrap up. you are highly delusional, Anon.

[asordinaryppl]

A3! Homepage Lines - April Fools (2025)

graphics and proofreading by myuntachis!

text version under the cut!

Spring Troupe

Sakuya: Thank you, S. I’ll definitely be able to wake you up one day, so this is just a good night for now.

Masumi: …Your Majesty, I shall devote my sword to you. I’m certain you are the master I was meant to serve.

Tsuzuru: I suppose I’m just as stupid… Rick's stupidity must be very contagious.

Itaru: …The sound is lacking, Toujou-sensei. No matter how much I play, the sound doesn’t match the music playing in my head.

Citron: Let’s go on a journey, Julius. Let’s leave this stifling town and travel the world.

Chikage: Professor, if we think about it logically, that’s not possible in reality. Therefore, the only answer is that it’s a dream.

Summer Troupe

Tenma: We’re not going to hand over Earth to the Triangle Aliens and the Cone Aliens! Take this, Earth Jet Stream!!

Yuki: Ah… Earth is done for… Humans will have no choice but to bow down to the Triangle Aliens and the Cone Aliens…

Muku: Come and join us, Triangle Aliens. We shall personally whip those shapes of yours into form.

Misumi: Angle, angle, angle… I shall turn these Cone Aliens into triangles along with this planet!

Kazunari: Tri, tri, tri… Us Triangle Aliens shall conquer the Earth! We won’t let it fall into the hands of the Cone Aliens no matter what!

Kumon: Co, co, co… There are only a few days left until the implementation of our Earth-wide Cone Project. Do look forward to it.

Autumn Troupe

Banri: Haaah? I’m not sulkin’ or whatever… Ain’t I the one you like? … Uh, is this hittin’?

Juza: I’ll go along with whatever ya want if ya gimme some sweets… I think… I’m doin’ the whole tsundere thing wrong…

Taichi: It’s not like I want you to tell me you like me! … No, I’m sorry, I really want you to say it~!

Omi: You know how I feel about you even without me saying it, yeah? … S-Something like that?

Sakyo: I don’t particularly like you, but it ain’t like I hate you either! … Did I use the wrong manga as reference?

Azami: I-I won’t be happy no matter how many brown sugar candies you give me! … Is this what a tsundere’s like?

Winter Troupe

Tsumugi: My heart has been captured by you, who’s as lovely as a flower. Really, I’m no match for you, my fairy.

Tasuku: It’s like you shot the bullseye of my heart. With those sparkling marble-like eyes of yours…

Hisoka: I really do like your smile. It’s as soft as a marshmallow and has made me its prisoner.

Homare: That which is more beautiful than a rose blooming in the fields, or a sky filled with stars… Why, I’m talking about you, my kitten.

Azuma: So close and yet out of my reach… You’re such a little minx, the way that even this part of you pulls me in is quite the problem.

Guy: The more I chase you, the more you avoid me as though you were a bullfighter… You’re truly an interesting woman.

Backstage

Matsukawa: Actually! Being the manager is but a borrowed identity… Ummm… Yes! I’m actually a detective!

Tetsuro: Starting today… I’ll… be a mangaka…

Akashi: ・・　・ー・・　ーーー　・・・ー　・ … Ah! I’m talking about this stage!

Rento: Hah!? God’ll be doin’ a recital today!? …That was a lie!? I to’lly fell fer it!

Sakoda: Ah, I won the lottery… This is for real! Well, it’s only 10,000 yen, but a win is a win!

NOTES:

(1) spring troupe did a role swap of each member's first lead play! more specifically:

sakuya -> luke (tsuzuru, the clockwork heartbeat)

masumi -> lancelot (itaru, knights of the round iv)

tsuzuru -> oswald (chikage, the wonderful charlatan of oz)

itaru -> ennis (citron, harugaoka quartet)

citron -> romeo (sakuya, romeo and julius)

chikage -> alice/alex (masumi, boy alice in wonderland)

(2) summer troupe are doing their street act from chapter 2 of act 14 of the main story! which i assume in turn was inspired by yuki's nickname for misumi, triangle alien

(3) i translated akashi's morse code to mean 'i love', but the jp is just すき, which can mean both love and like. speaking of which, i have no idea if he means a performance or the stage itself. bless his soul

[saphronethaleph]

Rushing the boomer

“How long?” Palpatine asked.

“Do not strain yourself, lord,” one of the cultists said. “Your attempt to possess the Snoke body will have weakened you-”

“I am well aware of my limitations,” Palpatine snapped, then turned to the Final Order engineer. “How long, commander?”

“That depends, my lord,” the engineer replied, his voice firm. “For the whole fleet… fourteen years. A single ship could be completed in eight. One ship coming online at a time in sequence, the first ship will be finished in nine years and the whole fleet in sixteen.”

Palpatine frowned.

“The whole fleet, then,” he said. “The might of the Final Order will blaze a path across the galaxy, and all will obey the Sith or perish.”

“It is as you command, my lord,” the engineer said, saluting.

Palpatine waved him away, then gestured, and a hologram of the Star Destroyers currently under construction formed in the air above him.

They were vast ships, for line vessels, and the Sith Eternal were building one thousand and eighty of them.

One thousand and eighty!

Never again would rebels exploit a single point of failure and destroy his most powerful and only superweapon… a fate he had experienced twice, now, and each one burned like a canker in his heart, the fury suffusing him and lending him strength.

At his insistence, Palpatine’s spies in the wider galaxy, outside Exegol, had found for him the names of every single person who had been directly involved in the attack on both Death Stars.

Han Solo, Chewbacca, Leia Organa Solo, Evaan Verlaine… all of those names were of people he hated. And Palpatine would see them destroyed, one way or another.

But there were four names for which the Dark Lord of the Sith reserved his greatest hatred. The true, simmering passion that Palpatine held for those who had truly thwarted his plans.

Landonis Balthazar Calrissian. Nien Nunb. Wedge Antilles… and, more than anyone else, Luke Skywalker.

If there was anyone who Palpatine wanted to destroy, it was Luke Skywalker… not merely to see him dead, but to humiliate him. To tear him down. To reduce all his triumphs to smouldering ruins.

Break the New Republic. Destroy the New Jedi Order. Turn his own family against him. Shatter his will.

That was what Palpatine would do, to Luke Skywalker.

And then – and only then – would the galaxy burn, worlds submitting to the rule of the Sith or being destroyed.

Thinking such pleasant thoughts, it took a moment for Palpatine to notice the flashing red alert on the side of the holodisplay.

“What is the meaning of this?” he demanded. “Explain it!”

“We’ve picked up ships, incoming,” an officer said, looking up from his displays on the other side of the room. “Lots of them – Rebel ship classes!”

Palpatine’s hand waved, and the holodisplay reconfigured to show the Red Honeycomb Zone and the tactical displays.

Sure enough, ships were coming through. Two Mon Cal star cruisers, first, then frigates and cruiser class vessels, disgorging a cloud of snubfighters from their hangar bays.

Sith Eternal TIE Fighters were already taking off, but Palpatine could see the difference between the two forces – the Sith Eternal was a secret military and had never actually fought in battle, and it had been aiming for a projected readiness date over a decade in the future.

The New Republic fighter corps was no such easy target. Even without their shields, their skill and training were clearly superior, and the first pass saw a dozen Sith fighters go down in blazing, burning wrecks. A dogfight was already beginning, but it was a dogfight that could only go one way.

But how had this happened? Exegol was secret! With the hyperspace anomalies protecting it, the only way to visit the planet would be to not only know where it was but be shown…

...unless, that was, someone had a Sith wayfinder.

Suddenly gripped by a cold rush of fear that prompted a surge of utter hatred, Palpatine reached out with his mind towards the New Republic strike force as it became haloed in laserfire and explosions.

He could sense a Sith Wayfinder. HIS Sith Wayfinder! The one that had been in his throne room during the Battle of Endor.

Pushing harder, Palpatine located the dancing spark of the wayfinder, alongside a sickeningly familiar presence – a presence ducking and dodging and rolling, as it locked onto and destroyed one TIE Fighter after another.

“Skywalker!” Palpatine shouted, then coughed. “SKYWALKER!”

“Watch out, there’s another fighter flight taking off from the hangar system to port,” Nien Nunb said, pointing.

“Got it, keying them in,” Lando agreed, his gaze flicking between the displays of the Raddus flag bridge. “Hey, Wedge, you want to take those fighters and the battleline will kill the hangar for you?”

“Copy that, General,” Wedge agreed. “Red leader to Red Alpha flight, follow me in!”

Six X-wings rolled to follow Wedge in, and Lando checked over the displays again.

“Well, I’m no expert but I think we caught them with their pants down, Admiral,” he said, glancing back at Leia. “No more than one in fifty of the capital ship turbolasers are working, and most of them seem to still be under construction.”

He whistled. “It’s a damn good thing we caught them when we did, though, I’m reading over six hundred ships in states of construction and there’s hundreds more building slips.”

The Raddus jolted as a volley of turbolasers hit, then the radio crackled.

“Gold leader here,” Verlaine called in. “Princess, I’ve got eyes on where that fire’s coming from, looks like a turbolaser testing facility with some working cannon. My boys and girls will fix that little problem.”

Nien made the adjustment before Lando got to it, and a double volley of proton torpedoes blasted the facility to pieces.

“It’s certainly a damn good thing we found them before they finished,” Leia agreed. “How did you do it?”

“Well, our lead ran out on Kijimi,” Lando said. “Then I realized nobody had actually checked the wreckage of the Second Death Star, and unlike the first the second’s armour wasn’t in place to contain the explosion. I thought it was likely some of it had come down intact, so Luke and I went over to find it and that’s how we got here.”

“I’m picking something up-” Nien reported, then they all looked out the window at once as a flare of lightning crackled up from a hole in the ground. It gripped a New Republic corvette, lightning crawling over the surface and ripping chunks out of it, and when the bolts stopped the engines had been disabled and most of the CR90 crashed seconds later.

“Skywalker here, I’m on it,” Luke said, his X-Wing shooting past and shooting down one of the last enemy TIEs. The Jedi Master’s snubfighter kept going, rolling into a complex manoeuvre and spitting laserbolts down the chasm, then the lightning came back up again – and Luke’s ship absorbed it, glowing bright white as the energy was corralled and neutralized.

“I don’t know about you, but that looks like the main event as far as I’m concerned,” Lando noted.

[that-one-kiddo-in-the-back]

Star Wars doesn't need to let the dark side be more interesting.

Oh boy. Like I said in my last post about star wars. I live, breathe, and shit star wars its my favorite sci-fi.

Without watching the video and only focusing on the title is that the dark side is already interesting because of how mysterious it is. All the people who are naturally connected to the dark side of the force are all gone, and the now and day sith keep everything close to their chest. The dark side is called that because of how rarely people shine a light on it.

Now to the actual video... why does Lily have to be so mean about it? She brings up how people would like to see more Star Wars without the force involved to be able to see the galaxy in a bigger light, to which she says those people lack vision and that what we really need is more sith characters. 😮‍💨 just go watch tales of the empire then.

Something that Lily needs to know is that anger and hate aren't one in the same. She brings up Yoda's monolog but still doesn't understand it or the Jedi's thoughts about emotions and how they view them. For those who don't know Yoda's monolog goes like this

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

When he says that, it's supposed to make you think more clearly about your emotions to be mindful of them. The Jedi's main advice when dealing with negative emotions is to meditate, which is genuine good advice, and she would know that if she actually went to therapy. They aren't telling you not to be angry just to not let that anger consume you because that will make you do things you will soon come to regret, making you fall deeper.

Think back to when Anakin found out his mother was taken by the Tusken Raiders, and when he found her, he was too late, and she died in his arms. Now, he had a right to be angry about what they did to her. The Tusken Raiders was just another reminder of how much Tatooine had stolen from him how much he hated the planet. But notice how him taking revenge wasn't labeled as a good thing when he got back home with his mother wrapped up, in his arms and after she was buried he confided in padme that he was so anger that he didn't just kill the men responsible but the women and the children too that he was so consumed in his grief that he wasn’t even thinking and by the time he realized what he had done it was far too late and the whole tribe was dead. Or how about when Anakin thought Padme had betrayed him and he started to choke her out the dark side had twisted his mind into thinking and doing things he wouldn't do he might not have killed Padme but he was pretty close to it all because he was consumed with hate.

Part of me thinks Lily hasn't read the high republic or the old legends before the republic, and the Jedi order was corrupt the Jedi prided themselves as peace keeper and negotiators when a war was about to break out on a planet you sent or asked for a Jedi to help stop it before it happened for fuck sakes the first thing you hear in the phantom menace is people calling Obi Wan and Qui gon negotiators.

Can we also not use the death of George Floyd to make a shity star wars take??? Why did you have to bring up the real death of a police brutally that hadn't even hit the two year mark of the video? If you have to make a comparison to a real-world death, at least make it from ten or twenty years ago. We'll add that to Lily being an insensitive jerk tally board.

I was going to end the post with that, but as I continued to watch the video, Lily said something that made me stop in my tracks, and that was... Leia is technically a sith because she follows the sith code to a tea...

Bitch what?!?!

Leia, while being strong in the force and training with Luke, fought in the rebellion for the sake of peace she doesn't want people to die or another planet to blow up both her and Luke are what the Jedi once was. Peace keepers that want peace for them and everyone around them. Leia is, first and foremost, a politician and more over a freedom fighter she fights for freedom the sith have only ever fought for themselves.

Oh my God. I'm close to unlocking alcoholism. For the love of God, Lily, your sith, do not steal OC is not a good person either, but that's a post for another day.

[trashquisitor-shirozora]

*enables you* what happened with TLJ 👃

After all these years I still can't properly find words to explain how deeply betrayed I felt after the credits rolled and I shuffled out of the movie theater with everybody else. There was a TON of hype surrounding this movie, an absolute fuckton. I only saw positive reviews about it, the cast, the director, the plot. I got excited to see where Rian Johnson & Co. would take the ST.

The only remotely negative comment I saw before watching the movie was a fandom blog saying they didn't like what happened to Poe. Since this blog was about racism in fandom, I knew something was off. That was my only warning.

And y'know, it was like, five minutes in? Ten minutes? And Poe makes a "Yo mama" joke at Hux? I used to go into movies with an open mind and spent days gathering my thoughts about them because I was always slow to react, slow to gather my thoughts into coherent strings of words. It's how I enjoyed Michael Bay productions and JJ Abrams' love affair with lens flare. I never got actively angry with a movie I was watching, and I was fucking angry by the time the movie ended. I still remember texting a friend while standing out in front of the theater because I was so confused. The response to TLJ was so positive so why did I come out of the movie so frustrated and confused and dissatisfied with the whole thing?

It's been years and we all know how this movie divided the Star Wars fandom and just... broke Fandom Spaces in a way I never expected. We all know what TLJ did and didn't do, and how TROS provided the final nail in the coffin that was the ST experiment. But back then, all I saw was positive commentary about the themes and messages of TLJ, how it portrayed failure and the dangers of putting someone like Luke Skywalker on a pedestal, how the Force was female, how... important it was to see Poe get characterized as a hotheaded hotshot who needed to be demoted, slapped around, and stunned in order to learn some kind of lesson, how important it was to see Finn lose everything he gained in TFA so that he could relearn how not to be selfish or something while starring in a fucking incredibly tone-deaf B plot, how Rey... I'm not sure exactly what because she didn't need training anyway and then spent most of her time trying to bring Ben Swolo back to the light????? Rose was so promising as someone who grew up under the FO's thumb but she and Kelly were fucking abandoned by Disney so I don't know if Rose existing was actually a good idea if it meant giving Kelly unending trauma. Mark slipped up by calling Luke "Jake" and expressing his displeasure in front of cameras, and I was so fucking baffled and alienated by his character after knowing how his story ended in ROTJ that I couldn't connect with whatever lessons I and he are supposed to be learning. JJ set up Snoke like a mystery box and Rian just yeeted him off without so much as a fucking explanation so what was the point of that? Hux was a fucking joke. Phasma was barely there. The only character that Rian cared about was fucking Kylo Ren and Adam says years later that he was never supposed to get a redemption arc anyway.

Like, this was the movie everyone hyped up? This was the movie that didn't answer any questions left unasked by TFA and didn't bother to move forward with character development for any of the known characters? I spent money watching a slow space chase that ended on a planet made of salt and killed off Luke for Reasons? Am I stupid? Am I dumb? Am I a peasant incapable of understanding the masterpiece Rian directed, this so-called Best Star Wars Movie Since ESB?

But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't be dogpiled for hating such a empowering movie for women, a diverse and inclusive movie that had the likes of John and Kelly and Oscar. I couldn't be lumped in with the Star Wars dudebros with their raging misogynistic and racist takes on the movie, the cast, Kathleen Kennedy and Lucasfilm, Disney, etc. I couldn't be seen as one of them just because I didn't like a movie that I should like, I'm supposed to like. So I sat in silence, read meta, witnessed the fucking catastrophic explosion around some wild ass AO3 fandom essays written by a racist OG member of OTW about Finn/Poe, saw hate piled on black and bipoc fans, saw r*ylo fans come for John and John clap back at them, just saw an absolute fuckton of hate, and so by the time TROS came around I just... checked out. There was no way JJ could salvage what Rian had done and I was right. TROS was a corporate-run soulless garbage end to the Sequel Trilogy, but it ended just as The Mandalorian finished its first season and regained a lot of good will with this small story about a lonely Mandalorian bounty hunter who encountered a Force-sensitive Baby Yoda.

And then TBOBF/Season 3 of the Mando Show happened, just like how TLJ happened. All the promise, all the unanswered questions of the previous movie/season, all fucking dropped or provided with the worst, most unsatisfying answer. I'm sure others have found better answers and can live with what Star Wars gave us, but I haven't been able to. TLJ came out years and years ago, and I am still so bitter today. I'm still so bitter because TFA had such an incredibly compelling setup with such promising characters, and then TLJ Did That.

I got so heated while writing this. I'm still so mad. I'm still so bitter. I bury my head so deep in the sandbox I built for myself so that I don't have to think how Disney is twisting and contorting all these Mando'verse shows so that they all eventually lead to the ST, their precious hot potato child that just... didn't have to end the way they did if they actually had a fucking plan and fucking stuck the landing. I'll give the MCU this - their Phase 1? They fucking stuck the landing. I fell off the train tracks and haven't really watched the MCU since Captain Marvel, but at least they had a fucking plan and didn't fucking derail themselves like Disney did with the Sequel Trilogy.

I could be nice to people who like this movie but I'm not going to be. They can be nice on their own blogs.

Man, I can't even watch Knives Out or Glass Onion because my blood starts boiling. Just. TLJ did a lot to ruin what I hoped would be a positive and creative connection with Star Wars, and it took the Mando Show and the 2 minutes where Din and Luke locked eyes on the Imperial light cruiser to bring me back.

I'm gonna stop before I get way too heated for sleep.

[the-fiction-witch]

Protecting

Media Star Wars Original Trilogy

Character Luke Skywalker (Original Trilogy Luke)

Couple Luke X Reader

Rating Flirty

“Everything is so quiet, I don't like it” Luke senses danger and takes his lightsaber to protect her as they walk across the planet in search of the map piece, 

"ohh will you put that thing away? Seriously you’re like a child with a stick with that thing" y/n rolls her eyes,

"what do you mean? I'm just protecting you," looks confused and a little annoyed,

"you've known me since we were six, you think I need protecting?"

He lets a slight smile crack across his lips, "I know you don't need it but I can't help doing it because I care about you,"

She rolled her eyes again and continued on through the trees in her grey jumpsuit but she kissed his cheek as she passed him, "Very cute Luke,"

He turns bright red, surprised but pleased and chuckles a bit, "Now who is acting like the child,"

"Says the one who just turned as red as a eaterlin," She laughed,

"shut up," turns his head away but is still smiling and his face is still a little red,

"come on I wanna find this map piece before it gets dark. As much as I enjoy your company Luke I am not in the mood for an impromptu camping sleepover,"

"all right, all right,” He chuckled, "wait wait. I think I heard something," he looked to his left and sensed a disturbance, 

"Probably your own ego following behind you," she chuckled,

"don't joke around. I sense something and it's big," he said, 

"ohh do you now," she smirked resting a hand on her hip and raising an eyebrow at him,

"I'm being serious. Something bad is about to happen and we aren't prepared.” He moves closer putting his arm around her protectively, "it's probably the Empire," he whispered,

"mhm" she glared a little, "oohh noo it's so scary and dangerous, won't you hold me close and protect me luke!" She playfully whined pressing her body to his chest and sliding her hands down him as she pouted her lips

his face turns bright red again and laughs "oh shut up it's not that. It's just that this whole planet sucks and the Empire is all over, They probably heard about us and are going to arrest us!" he keeps protecting you and looks around,

"for what?" She laughed as she keeps walking,

"you don't know? We are fugitives, remember" he says following behind her,

"I've been a fugitive since I was born. I'm still here aren't I?"

"yeah, that's true. but that doesn't change the fact that we are fugitives and the Empire hates us. If we get caught who knows what the hell they will do to us,"

"we'll be fine you have your Lazer sword" she joked

“My what?” He glared,

“You're big. Green. Lazer sword.” she joked, 

“I am not even going to dignify that with a response,”

“Aren’t you? Cause it kinda sounds like you were responding there,”

"Well! What do you have?" 

"pistol. Wit. And if all else fails these have got me out of a fair few Jams" she says zipping her jumpsuit a little to reveal more cleavage she holds her chest a moment jiggling them before she continues to walk,

He rolls his eyes and mutters, "If you are not careful you are going to cause some poor lad a heart attack."

"is the poor lad you?"

"maybe" he blushes and smiles while keeping his eyes on the surroundings but peeks and looks at her every now and again while blushing,

She chuckled and gave his cheek another kiss before continuing through the woods,

"Could you please stop doing that?" his face is red and he's still blushing, 

"why? You do not want my kisses?"

"I don't mean that, they are just making me flustered," looks directly at you and his face is still bright red and he's blushing, 

“Alright, come on skywalker lets find this thing before I end up opening you up and sleeping in you like a tauntaun,” she warns, 

[hopeforchanges]

Hey Hope, how's the research going? If you feel inclined, going off of the snack asks, can I have one where Obi-Wan says "you ingrate?" Feel free to go crazy 👐

*sigh.*

it's ... going. i'm digging into how mythology helped legitimize real historical rulers. half of ancient politics was just good storytelling. thank you for asking though. i have more than four years of this to come and i have no one to blame but myself lmao

anyway, here's your unhinged ingrate snippet aka Kenobi show au where Obi-Wan hallucinates his beloved padawan in his pathetic little head. We're gonna borrow some imagery from the MCU where Daredevil has the Kingpin on his shoulder, constantly whispering about all his:

Regrets (1.1.k)

The toy rattles in his satchel as he walks.

It’s not perfect. One wing still lists slightly to the left and the paint is uneven, sand having found its way into the crevices no matter how carefully he worked. But it flies—he’s tested it on the wind—and Luke will love it. He’s sure of it. He clutches that certainty like a prayer.

The suns are high, burning white. Obi-Wan trudges forward, breath shallow. His robes are heavy with sweat, sticking to his skin, and every footstep seems to drag through syrup. He knows this path. He’s taken it a hundred times. But today it’s unfamiliar, unfurling like a stranger’s map.

He had to leave his Eopie in town, it drew too much attention.

He blinks hard. The horizon stutters.

Maybe he should rest. Just for a moment.

He doesn’t. He keeps walking.

The ground shifts beneath him—no, that’s not right. It’s his legs. They buckle. He stumbles, then collapses to his knees, the satchel falling beside him with a soft crunch. He tries to rise, but his arms tremble. The air is too hot. His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth.

I have to get to Luke. He promised. I promised.

A shadow falls across the sand.

Obi-Wan lifts his head. The heat plays tricks often, but this time—this time it’s him.

Anakin stands in the light like it doesn’t burn him, his silhouette sharp against the gold. No armor. No respirator. No hate. Just Anakin, as he was, too young, too proud.

Obi-Wan lets out a soft breath that might be a laugh. “Not now.”

Anakin steps forward. "Your toy looks like shit."

“Four months,” he rasps. “Every night. I—” He breaks off. Tries again. “I wanted to give him something good. Something of me. Something… that worked.”

Anakin crouches beside him. “He doesn’t need you.”

Obi-Wan turns his face away.

“I will not have lectures from you,” he whispers. "You destroyed everything."

Anakin tilts his head. "Don't tell me you still mourn the Order."

Obi-Wan snaps.

He fumbles for the satchel, pulls out the toy with trembling hands. The wing he fixed is cracked again. He stares at it, stricken, then throws it. It smashes against a nearby rock, scattering broken bits into the sand.

“Me!” Obi-Wan roars. “You destroyed me!”

His voice echoes, then dies.

“I’m nothing without you,” he says, quieter now. A confession to the desert. “I was nothing. You were everything, Anakin. My friend. My brother. My…” He swallows. “I gave you my life. And now I'm the only one who walked away with their life. But I have no one to give it to. You abandoned me.”

Anakin watches. Silent. Still. When he looks at his son's damaged toy, there's not a speck of moisture in his eyes. That's how he knows this isn't really Anakin.

His Anakin mourned every being, every bit of unfulfilled potential, every droid who short-circuited, every flower that never bloomed, every sunset that came too early, each drop of spilled water on a planet that split his heart open.

"It wasn't enough for you, was it? he says. “You could have the whole galaxy and it still wouldn’t be enough for you.”

His voice breaks on the last word.

He shakes his head, dizzy, barely upright, and whispers:

"You ingrate."

Obi-Wan’s voice cracks apart and the desert doesn’t answer.

Only the wind.

The sun pulses overhead, and Anakin doesn’t speak—until he does.

Soft. Urgent. "Obi-Wan," he says, "you need to wake up."

Obi-Wan blinks. The world warps at the edges. The dunes ripple like water. “I am awake,” he murmurs. “You’re here. You’re—”

Anakin steps closer, crouches down. His hands cup Obi-Wan’s face, impossibly warm and gentle, like they used to be before the cold blood of his friends stained their innocence.

"Wake up, Master."

A splash of cold strikes his forehead. He jerks.

Another splash; cool and sudden and real.

Obi-Wan gasps, blinks rapidly as his vision swims. Anakin’s face fractures like glass in sunlight. The desert shifts, and suddenly the hands on his cheeks are replaced by something rough and wet and snorting.

A warm, heavy tongue drags across his brow.

“Wh—Akkani?” Obi-Wan chokes.

The eopie whines softly, pressing her broad nose to his chest and nudging him upright with patient determination. Her saddle packs jingle faintly with every movement.

Obi-Wan lets out a low, disbelieving laugh, tears mixing with the moisture on his face. “Oh… you found me,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around her shaggy neck. “You clever girl.”

He pulls himself up slowly, one trembling hand at a time, leaning heavily against her. The wind has cooled. Dusk is creeping in, painting the sand in long blue shadows.

Akkani shifts, glancing back at him as if awaiting instruction.

Obi-Wan places a hand on her flank, steady now.

"Take me to Lars' homestead," he says, voice hoarse but clear. “Take me to Luke.”

He adjusts the satchel, lighter now, emptier. He takes the damaged toy and puts it back. They can repair it together.

“I still have someone to live for.”

And they walk.

Into the twilight. Toward the boy. Toward something worth surviving for.

[pinyeti]

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith (BROKE MY FUCKIN HEART CHAT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENENED????)

Ugh they’re going to rescue the chancellor

HOW ARE THEY THIS IN TUNE WITH THE FORCE BUT CANT SEE THAT THE CHANCELLOR IS EVIL

WOW THIS INSECT LOOKING GUY IS COOL

NOWAYYY OBIWAN CANONICALLY MAKING PATHETIC DAD JOKES THIS IS SO FUNNY

Dookie’s back

MAN THE PARALLELS TO THE OGS ARE CRAAAAZZZZYYYYY

anakin probably put Luke through the same stuff he went through to test if hes a little bitch like him

Okay anakin your problem is you only listen to yourself

NO WAY HOW DID THEY GO FROM THIS BROMSNCE TO KILLING EACH OTHER NEXT MOVIE

Did anakin just call him short… does he have a death wish

Chancellors such as bitch

I just know padmes gonna die and hes going to turn cuz of her

The chancellor really said you’re not like other girls anakin

Okay so anakin has to pick sides between

“HE’S NEVER LET ME DOWN”- NOOOO OBIWANNN NOOOOOO HES GONNA BE SOOO HURT

This whole movie is everyone manipulating anakin to try and get him on their side

Kung fu panda - dragon warrior drama

Count dookie

BRO IS HE INSERTING DREAMS INTO ANAKINS MIND

Theyre boxing him in THE COUNCIL IS SO ANNOYING THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DEAL IWTH A REBEL KID

Someone give nick fury and yoda parenting lessons

NO NO NO NOOO NOOO NOT FOR THIS NO NO PADMES GONNA BE FINE NOOO NOOO NOOO NOOO THIS STUPID CHILD NOOO HES GOOD I KNOW HES GOOD

How did the jedis not see this???????

NO??? ANAKIN??? TELL ME ANAKIN DIDNT KILL A BUNCH OF CHILDREN WHAT THE FUCK?? No absolutely not im not siding for this bullshit fukc off

In the immortal words of Deadpool you punch a couple hundred orphans and suddenly you’re the bad guy

My god anakin IM SO FUCKIN PISSED AT YOU YOU CANT KILL CHILDREN YOU FUCKIN PRICK I HATE YOU SO MUCH WHAT THE FUCK NONE OF THIS IS JUSTIFIED WHAT YOU HAD A BAD DREAM SO YOU GO KILL KIDS FUCKIN BITCH

I want to kill anakin Fight me right now

Are you really going around killing children like youre not even going to rise to crimes in a linear manner?? You directly kill kids??

Youre so full ofF SHIT ANAKIN- SHE DIDNT ASK YOU FOR ANY OF THIS YOURE SO STUPID YORE NOT DOING THIS FOR LOVE YOU’RE DOING THIS FOR POWER YOURE PATHETIC

Yes anakin blame obi wan BLAME ANYONE BUT YOURSELF

standing in the middle of a burning planet I HAVE BROUGHT PEACE

No this is breaking my heart no no no no No no no no

YODA PLS PLS PLS KILL EMPEROR PLS (ik he wont but pls) Yoda is so powerless why didnt he stop anything WHY WERE THEY SO BLINDED WHY

Yeah yoda GO HIDE YOU BIG FAILURE MY POOR OBIWAN HE DOESNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS

I did not sign up for this heartbreak FUCK YOU ANAKIN FOR MAKING ME LIKE YOU FOR A TINY BIT

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING OBIWAN LOVE YOU AND THROWING IT ALL AWAY

YOU BECAME WHAT YOU FEARED YOU FUCKIN IDIOT I HATE YOU SO MUCH ANAKIN AND FOR WHAT

They lied to him, idc he deserves to hate himself for the rest of eternity

Ohh theyre making the Death Star now

…. this family needs therapy

(6/9)

[rcedge]

I will always support TLJ hate because I was a huge Luke Skywalker fan and I feel like they destroyed his character and then just killed him off at the end :( I gave up on the franchise after that. The whole discourse around that movie was so strange too. After TFA everybody was speculating about who Rey's parents were and I loved the theory that Luke was her father and Kylo was her cousin and they'd all been tragically separated somehow (very Wars of the Roses in space, the daughter of the son versus the son of the daughter). And then with TLJ the director was like 'um actually Rey being a Skywalker by blood would be totally elitist and you can be force sensitive without being related to an existing character ya know'. And then in ROS they randomly made her the granddaughter of Palpatine lol. And I haven't even mentioned the way that they treated characters like Finn. What an absolute mess!

I could not agree with you more ESPECIALLY on the luke front like you're telling me the guy who saw good in his planet-exploding dad tried to kill his nephew for being emo? Come on man. he's literally the titular hope in a new hope. you're telling me he just rebuilt the jedi order exactly how it was? COME ON MANNNNN!!!!!!

with rey i personally never really gave any mind to who her parents were but i thought the assertion that it would be elitist or whatever to make her related to the skywalkers was very bizarre considering that the whole of star wars is ostensibly the story of the skywalker family Rey's story in general just suffered badly from everybody having completely different ideas of what they wanted to do and so she never developed like any kind of interesting personality or connections to anyone beyond kylo which was kind of stupid as fuck cus her relationship in the fist film with finn was fun and i think if they actually gave us the functional trio of finn rey and poe it could have been a fun dnymaic but what ever we need that rat kylo fsr

the palpatine shit is hands down the most bizarre thing like i remember sitting in the theater and just blurting out "What the fuck?" that movie was genuinely so bad i started crying and i tried to leave but the people i was with at the time would not let me lol which was fair movie tickets are kind of too expensive to waste even if it feels like your soul being scraped out with some kind of blunt object

re: finn and poe this actually bothers me so much like even beyond a shipping thing obviously cus Seriously what was the deal with any of that. i think we can all agree that finn should have been force sensitive (thus taking care of rian johnson's stupid ass worry about skywalker only force sensitive characters or whatever the fuck) instead of giving him a completely Nothing plot in the most Nothing plot movie of all time wherein nothing gets accomplished by anyone this has beentalked about by better and more intelligent people than me

what i don't see talked a lot about is what they did to poe like he was completely in the right for not trusting laura dern's stupid fuck character holdo or whatever her fuck ass name was like would YOU???? it was so frustrating like sitting there like Wait but hes right you are completely suspicious how the hell was he supposed to know you had some grand master plan if you are refusing to tell the people under your command even the ones that are quite high up literally nothing . fuck was i glad when she did suicide .

also i forget if this was in tlj or tros cus frankly they all kind of blend together in a river of piss and shit at this point but making poe a drug trafficker was crazyyyyy. your single hispanic character in a mainline star wars film and you completely retcon his backstory from Son of rebels that worked with leia -> drug dealer is fucking crazy like are you serious LOL i hate those fucking films so much bro

oh also i hate the porgs and i was glad when chewbacca tried to eat one cus i hated them i hated them i hated them die die die die

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Do you think they should have went with the Chosen One plot for Anakin when they made the prequels? I've been rewatching the original trilogy and there is no mention of any prophecy. It seemed more like Anakin was a very powerful Jedi, but nothing grander then that.

Then, all of sudden the prequels are saying that he is the literal messiah of the Galaxy, destined to bring balance to the Force.

I mean, this isn't the blog for that, anon.

It's really not the blog for it not just in the sense that we talk about how things are here not how we want them to be but also because I think the Original Trilogy are also incredibly bad movies. They're not winning awards for being any better than the rest of the gang or any more righteous, they just have nostalgia, a few great actors carrying the weight (but only a few and not even some of the most important ones), a fantastic soundtrack (that admittedly is strikingly similar in parts to Holst's The Planets), and some great special effects and editing as of the time that George has tried to strip away with every passing year. It's no skin off my nose if the Prequels took some liberties to make things better (and... the thing about The Prequels is that they're not better, of course, but the plot is a lot more compelling than 'the Death Star blew up once' followed by a short break then 'the Death Star blew up twice')

But as for your question, it didn't strike me as too odd we didn't hear of it, because that's the whole thing: Jedi culture is wiped out to two known survivors (that we see anyway). And per those Jedi survivors, Anakin was very clearly not the chosen one as he did anything but bring balance to the Force.

So, you have Obi-Wan who doesn't want to talk about fucking any of it and lies through his teeth multiple times to Luke because he just doesn't want to talk about any of it. Then you have Yoda who wants to talk about it even less.

Neither is bringing up "did you know there was this prophecy where your father was supposed to bring balance to the Force? Boy, did he sure not do that".

Vader certainly isn't bringing it up either as, well, look at his miserable life and how much he hates himself and the Jedi. He's not bringing up their stupid prophecy that clearly wasn't true.

Remember very little is known about the Jedi for the common people, especially after Palpatine's taken over and spread propaganda and such. Han doesn't even think the Jedi are real and if he does it's "that weird space religion cult thing that died out???"

That is to say the prophecy is not common knowledge and especially not for people like Luke, Han, or even Leia for that matter for all she's a little more Jedi adjacent.

Even within the Jedi we see that people don't take the prophecy seriously. That was a Qui-Gon thing. He was super into that prophecy, yo, and the other Jedi (Yoda, Mace, Obi-Wan even) all sort of stared at him looking very upset for insisting on this.

And in the war, while Anakin was an exceptionally talented Jedi, he wasn't really used as a propaganda piece/seen as the only Jedi who would save them all.

The prophecy was just the reason Qui-Gon insists on training him despite his age and is one of those things that seems to have actually been correct for all that no one will ever admit it.

(@therealvinelle can correct me if I'm wrong but I'm going to lay down something that will make people very upset: Anakin being "The Hero with No Fear", seen as one of two great Jedi in the war who are doing so much for the cause more than anyone else, and the extra focus on this prophecy was an invention of Disney's 2008 The Clone Wars, not the films.)

[superficial-ly]

C R I M I N A L M I N D S ‘ S F A V A L B U M S

JJ first coz that’s my girl - Stick Season (We’ll all be here forever) by Noah Kahan

• the getting out of a small town i hav so many regrets vibes

• THE SONG CALL UR MOM its jj

• it hurts to listen to but she won’t stop she needs a piece of home to cling to even if it’s not hers

Emily coz that’s my girls girl - Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

• she had never known peace since

• moon song as jemily double ouch

• special mention to funeral in relation to matthew she genuinely cant listen to it. she made the mistake of trying once on the jet and she will never again.

hotch i love him - Wasteland, Baby by Hozier

• hotch loves like it hurts bc it does. all of his love hurts him. but he still loves bc that’s js who he is and hozier is perfect for that i think

• wasteland, baby especially i think in reference to haley. its a hard listen but one he loves he thinks it honours her in a way.

• its perfect

spenecer my habib - Carrie and Lowell by Sufjan Stevens

• i think it’s just peaceful enough but not mind numbing that he can focus on it as well as fall asleep if he needs to

• fourth of july especially for everyone he’s ever lost is a double ouch all these acts of service to try and bring someone back bc he struggles to grasp the fact that when a person is gone, there’s nothing left to do.

morgan - not exactly an album but Tupac’s Greatest Hits is on contant rotation in his little headset thingy (so cute omg)

• all of tupac is like especially upbeat with values and ideals and deep real world reflections and he DIGS it

• especially likes Keep your Head up it reminds him of his mom and ehy he joined the fbi - he wants to help the underdog

• (morgan was DEVASTATED with the tupac beef with biggy)

penelope my girl - the rise and fall of a midwest princess by chappell roan

• she assigns them all their individual songs from the album but she is the avatar.

• she cannot do sad music so this shit is her JAMM

• femininomenon or however u spell it is a personal favourite. HOT TO GO is second

• also shes sapphic even if she only dates men in the show so she EXTRA GETS IT

tara my baby who deserved better is 100% Planet Her by Doja

• Ain’t Shit? her jam she knows all the jams

• woman is one of her favourites.

• her and rebecca sing kiss me more in the shower

luke - definitely tyler but i’m struggling between Flower Boy and IGOR

• he has that kind of i am happy to be loving u kind of vibe even if he knows the world is messed up. he so severely fucks with tyler and the whole rap genre be loved finding references he previously missed he thinks he’s a genius (he’s right)

alex blake - songs by adrienne lenker

• she stumbled across it one day and while it wasn’t the usual stuff she listened to she gave it a chance

• she never turned back

• she likes the retro feel and half return makes her FEEL like nothing else can

• shes complicated okay? not a lot just forever for her son? ouch

kate - SOS by sza

• this one’s hard bc she’s a hard core “feel things? no thank u. let’s rock!”

• i think good days is so special to her in a really quiet way

• j think kill bill makes her laugh really hard

jordan todd i never hated u - good girl gone bad: reloaded by rihanna

• she was so special to me. a wow on the team pre-2010. this was history. either way

• breakin dishes bc she is so happy at counter terrorism but watching emily fight men will always do it for her (they were sapphics ur honour)

• shes a club girly. dont stop the music, umbrella she was living for that shit

elle cutie patootie - Norman Fucking Rockwell by Lana Del Ray

• its hers i can’t

• shes so lana guys “hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me” ????? it’s HERS

• “how to disappear” pls be so serious

jason gideon papa extraordinaire - Tapestry by Carole King

• he misses the 70s gang (so do i (i wasn’t born))

• Home Again makes him cry. he can’t explain it. hee never has to.

• so far away after he left the bau - his heart was basically empty but he couldn’t fill it with any more darkness he had to go. it hurt him so bad guys he literally died from it

matt simmons - anything from my little pony

• i’m sorry guys he recognises they’re killer tracks

• also his 8 million kids he watches it like three times a day

• unironically listens to battle of the bands

• kristy hates him for it.

[cuckoo-on-a-string]

The Moon's Lies

Summary: Kylo Ren x named!Reader. It was never going to be black or white, Light or Dark, friend or foe. Who wouldn't let the galaxy burn to keep their loved ones safe?

Warnings: 18+, Murder/"execution," graphic violence, unspoken threat of bodily harm, twisted morals, Kylo Ren being himself

Masterlist

Canon Divergence Notes: There is no Rey. Finn is the destined Jedi, and he leaves the scar on Ren’s face during the climactic fight on Starkiller Base. The only original canon kept after TFA is the destined Jedi (Finn) leaving to find Luke and Snoke pushing Kylo Ren to the breaking point, continuing the student-kills-the-master cycle. Summary: No Rey. Finn is training to be a Jedi. Kylo Ren takes the throne from Snoke.

This chapter is the only pre-TFA part of the story. Everything after that is in the AU as described.

A/N: Holy shit, I'm having so much fun with this. You all have no idea (but you will soon). Out here crafting whole-ass mythologies and cultures for this shit. Literally forgot to post this first chapter because I'm neck-deep in the next. Please, please, please do comment! I post for interactions with friends new and old. Otherwise I'd hoard all my embarrassing stories like the grouchy old dragon I really am.

1.

He needed to maul something.

His lightsaber practically vibrated on his belt, answering the pull of itching hands as Kylo Ren stormed into the planet-side depot. Civilians scattered from their orderly lines in front of the First Order’s regional bureaucratic office, startled like so many kaadus. The system had so little to offer, the Order couldn’t even justify a separate complex for the port authority and notary.

A shabby little base on a barren little world. If he could, he’d sink his saber to the planet’s core and kill it all in one, fell stroke.

What a waste of his time.

The rebel insurgent had nothing. They hunted him to the edge of the First Order’s territory only to discover a dead end whose handful of contacts met the heat of Kylo’s blade long ago. They’d missed something. He’d missed something. Instead of fresh leads into the Resistance’s plans, he would leave empty handed. This detour took weeks, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that their enemies were planning something. But in the end, the only thing the dead Rodian had been good at was hiding. Any trooper could’ve shot the scum and been done with it. No need for the Knights of Ren.

He looked like a fool.

Rage tipped over the edge of reason, flooding logic, and plans, and anything but the dark urge to destroy.

He marched through the door, well ahead of his knights. The stormtroopers were nearly as eager to avoid his wrath as the civilians, and he burst into an empty hall. The faintest conversation reached him, a hum of living Force further inside. He followed it. Down the hall. Around the corner. Gathering fuel to further spark his hate for this place and all the people in it as he approached.

A crisp, core world accent he had no doubt belonged to an officer carried farthest.

“I’m afraid it just won’t do. If you want clearance to leave for Gan Moradir, I’ll need those credits in my hand. Today.”

“You already have them.”

The second voice almost surprised Ren. He could barely feel the speaker’s signature, and he rested his hand on his saber, ready for a battle. No one unskilled in the Force could veil themselves like that.

From the sound of things, he had two valid targets to suffer for his humiliation. With new focus, he prepared to take the last corner, the heat in his blood ready to burn through the traitors and fools ahead.

Just out of sight, the officer tsked. “Not enough, I’m afraid.”

“Do you plan on demanding more every time we visit your system?”

“I could.”

“I’m afraid that will be very bad for trade.”

Ren saw the pair before they saw him. A First Order corporal with his hands clasped behind his back and a sneer on his face stood opposite a civilian girl, both oblivious to their approaching doom.

“Corporal.”

The man practically jumped out of his uniform, eyes bugging wide. The girl barely even flinched, following the officer’s panicked gaze with guarded curiosity. Ren would deal with her after he thinned the ranks. It was important to cut out rot before it spread, after all.

“Lord Ren!” The officer’s voice wavered, nearly breaking like a teenager’s as he took two steps away from the civilian and bowed to his superior. “My apologies. We’d heard your knights may be in the system, but we had no idea you’d actually –”

“What is the First Order’s standing on bribery?” He asked like he didn’t know simply so the criminal would recite his own conviction. Let him know how he’d failed. Let the fear string out his last moment.

The corporal’s mind couldn’t keep pace with his spiking adrenaline. He shifted, eyes darting for an escape, an excuse, as he tried to drag an explanation through his dry mouth.

“Well, I…”

Ren had no mercy. And no patience. His hand clenched over his blade’s hilt, and he imagined he could already feel the subtle vibration as it came to life to end another’s.

“Well?”

The corporal swallowed, and Ren watched the confidence roll away down the man’s throat.

“Soliciting or accepting bribes in any form, be it credits or goods, is a class three offense, sir.” He spoke clearly. Responding to a clear order with clear rules he would’ve learned by rote in training. He knew the consequences for disguising this theft behind the First Order’s banner, and now Ren would reveal a new part of the corporal. Blood. Bone. The messy things he wrapped out of sight beneath his skin.

Ren hummed. A mockery of consideration as he swayed nearer, forcing the smaller man to stare up at a painful angle. Decapitation was too neat for such a selfish little traitor. Maybe he’d sheer away half the man’s chest. Or leave him in a dozen pieces for his command to discover.

“I see.” He stalked forward another step, savoring the building dread like a cool wind beneath his mask. “And what is the punishment for class three offenses?”

The officer’s lingering hopes to put off his superior with a lie – Blame the girl, his mind screamed – finally crumbled. The dread Force-wielder had caught him. He knew enough to damn him. He’d been judged. He’d been sentenced. Only one step remained. Kylo Ren loomed, a Loth cat playing with vermin caught raiding the larder, and his uniform was an invitation to deal justice, not the shield the corporal once believed. He backpedaled, nearly foaming at the mouth as he spluttered a final plea for mercy.

“Lord Ren, please! I merely –!”

Red light and a crackling hum cut him off.

Ren speared the traitor through the belly, letting the fool totter backwards, wheezing for a breath that would never come. The corrupt officer groped over his exposed diaphragm as he tumbled to the floor, and his head met the polished floor with a crack as he continued pointlessly gasping.

It wouldn’t be a quick death.

Satisfied, Ren looked at the second actor in this little scene. She’d barely flinched when he struck down the corporal, but her attention remained fixed on the dying criminal. Ren waited for the inevitable wave of panic, ready to toy with a fresh target, but the life ending at her feet held her gaze. Something about her blunted his senses, and he struggled to pry into her mind beyond what she projected: caution and studied calm.

Maybe it was shock. Or maybe she needed reminding of her own mortality.

Ren cut off the corporal’s death rattle with a stroke of his saber, and as the head rolled across the hall, the girl finally looked up to meet his gaze. He glowered back through his visor, itching for her reaction.

She bowed. Maintaining the poise of a diplomat who hadn’t just witnessed a brutal execution, she dipped at the knees, dropping her eyes in polite deference before rising to meet him all over again. Still as a lake.

His lightsaber hissed, twisting in his grip. He pointed it under her chin, demanding she answer every question he hadn’t asked.

“You.” He didn’t bother with the show he’d put on for the corporal. Her careful placidity irritated him, and it felt like her very presence muted his senses when he hunted for her fear.

He looked again, noting the grey stone pendant and loops of beads she wore. A memory teased the edge of his lingering rage, dragging his focus away from his quest for bloodshed. He’d seen that material before. He recognized the numbing sensation in the Force from a failed project to build better restraints for Force sensitive prisoners. “What is that?”

Her fingers rose to the pendant, brushing over an unfamiliar pattern of engraved stars.

“It’s Selenubis, sir.” She paused, flicking her gaze over his mask like she might find a clue to his expression. When he didn’t answer, she pushed ahead. “A traditional protection charm from Lethe. If it’s offensive to the First Order I can come again with out it…?”

Behind his mask, he ground his teeth, clawing against the foggy wall so few of her thoughts penetrated. Selenubis proved useless to the First Order when it became clear the stone did as much to shield a prisoner from other Force users as it did to shackle the target.

She wanted to return without her shield? She wouldn’t leave with it. He’d hack it off her neck, and if he didn’t like what he found in her head, she wouldn’t leave with that, either.

His flickering saber reflected in her eyes as he angled it up, forcing her to expose her throat as red lightning reflected in bottomless reservoirs of control. He didn’t believe for a second she was ignorant of the power in her little trinkets and beads.

Just as he prepared to cleave through her jewelry – and likely leave a deep burn to remember him by – one of his knights burst into the hall.

“Commander. The Supreme Leader requests your presence. Immediately, sir.”

His foiled rage rebounded, arcing like a current through his bones and burning him with his own intent as he growled in frustration. The sound hissed through his modulator.

This would have to wait.

Deactivating his saber, he stepped back, pivoted on his heel, and marched back the way he came. He would have to relive his humiliation at his master’s feet, and there was no time to vent his frustrations.

He left no orders in his rush to answer his master’s summons. No one held the girl or even took special note of her name and business as he knelt before Snoke’s projected image, and by the time he returned to the hall, she was gone.

The documentation the dead corporal had been withholding, a pile on the floor by his headless corpse, had gone with her.

[annashafransky]

I'm really pissed off by how TCW fanatics write about how TCW fixed the prequels and made Anakin and his fall better.... You can't fix what isn't broken.

Let me explain what it is. Anakin was never and was never supposed to be some kind of confident macho man like Filoni made him out to be. In fact, this is not even Anakin in TCW, but Han Solo the Jedi (and Filoni himself acknowledged this, assigning the voice actor to portray Anakin as a cross between Luke and Han Solo) . By making him like this, Filoni just wanted to please those who hate the prequels (including himself). If Filoni loved the prequels, he would not have ruined literally all the characters from them, breaking the whole essence of the story of this trilogy) Anakin was never supposed to be courageous and confident.

In The Phantom Menace (which CW fans still consider pathetic, although this is my favorite episode) they showed perfectly that Anakin is a broken man since childhood. He a priori could not be like they show us in the Filoniverse. According to TCW, Anakin should not have fallen to the dark side at all. Yes, there are all sorts of attacks of the dark side, but they are extremely superficial and are forgotten in the next episodes, ignored, do not leave any imprint on Anakin's condition, because in the films, even despite the fact that he doesn't have many injuries, but they hit him very hard and it shows later. In general, the entire animated series frankly spat on the plot and the image of Anakin as a character from episodes 2 and 1 (and really, why take them into account. Most fans hate them anyway😒😒😒). And most importantly, this remote control broke the main idea that you need to be responsible for your actions and that Anakin himself is to blame for his fall. TCW makes anyone guilty, but not Anakin himself, since all his "attacks of the dark side" are always justified, unlike what was in the films. "It's not your fault, the world is bad!" And such lessons should be absorbed by children, at whom SW was always aimed? This is simply disgusting.

The same with Padme. From a kind, smart and understanding adult woman, Filoni turned her into some kind of girl in puberty, a boor and a typical politician. Why does Filoni think that a strong female character must necessarily be some kind of boor? Padme was already a wonderful character from the first episode, when at 14 she was the leader of an entire planet, who was ready to move her principles for the good of her planet, when she realized that diplomacy was powerless and the help of the Gungan army was needed. But at the same time, she was not devoid of sympathy and female understanding, which were demonstrated to Anakin in all three episodes. In the first episode, this is the scene where they talk before arriving on Coruscant and where Ani gives her an amulet, and she sympathizes with his experiences about his mother. In the second episode, when Anakin confessed to her about the Tusken genocide and Padme pities him, saying that it is human nature to get angry (and no, she is not stupid, she just understood how hard it was for him and that, in fact, Anakin was in a state of affect because of his mother's death). And in the third episode, when Anakin openly yelled at her, she did not get angry at him, did not call him inadequate, but calmly asked "what happened? ... don't do that, don't distance yourself, I just want to help." In TCW, only the name remained from Padme from the prequels. By God, her relationship with Anakin is not like that tender love that was in the films and is more reminiscent of a union by misfortune, which is worth the fact that she is openly offended by Anakin for his long absence, although in the films Padme understood the importance of being a Jedi better than Anakin (it was not for nothing that Lucas made it so that Padme was five years older than Anakin) THEY HAVE A WAR IN THEIR YARD! Or that disgusting arc with Clovis (where there was another miserable and superficial attempt to the "dark side" of Anakin), where Padme behaved frankly like a slut, and when Clovis came to kiss her, she did not even push him away, but only quietly said "no", and then she was offended by Anakin and said something like "we need to live separately". What the fuck separately?! You are married, not teenagers dating. And the most disgusting thing about this cartoon is that for some reason all conflicts are resolved like this: “a fight - we were almost killed - so we made up🤦‍♀️".Relationships and love don't work like that. Seriously, this is not the Padme I fell in love with when I watched the prequels, this is not that character. This is a pathetic fanservice parody of her. Like all the characters from the prequels in this show. Although, I can guess why Filoni ruined Anakin and Padme's relationship. So that Anakin could have a better relationship with Filoni's beloved Merry Sue Ahsoka. And don't try to deny it, in the animated series their relationship actually looked more adequate than Padme and Anakin's relationship (from the animated series, of course) to such an extent that it already looked like a forbidden relationship between a student and a teacher (by the way, here again the question arises, why Ahsoka runs around in a bra, although she is 14). So don't try to convince me and make me consider TCW canon when I say that for me Star Wars is 6 Lucas films (and yes, for those who firmly believe that Lucas allegedly worked on TCW, I hasten to disappoint you: since 2009 Lucas was busy filming Red Tails and had already started selling Lucasfilm, since it is clear that he was frankly fed up with Star Wars at that time💅) This is a second-rate fan fiction, not Star Wars.

And honestly, I don't know about the original trilogy, but Filoni apparently watched the prequels with his ass.

[starplusfourletters]

I read vision of the future (hand of thrawn book 2 aka Who Scams the Scammers)

(spoilers) and once again it turned into a liveblog, apologies

Hold up are we doing Warrior Cats? Is this Warrior Cats Planet??

What base is “arm around your waist to serve as a psychic translator conduit”

Omigod I WISH my Warrior Cat name were “Jaded of Mara”

Everything I know about Soontir Fel I learned from x wing but I would not have guessed his primary motivation to be "dirt"

@ luke and mara: the girls are talkingggggg

North Barris Spaceport has me twitching

Ghent not remembering who the president is and just assuming it’s probably Leia. I mean fair

What base is "holding hands to brace yourselves over a swarm of flesh eating insects"

So we’re finally asking why Mara ISN’T actually dark side and the answer is… shrug emoji?

Man Zahn really is stuck on “character bonding hike” as a device huh. But consider I eat that shit up

Oh No Lando is racist

LMAO at “so oblivious you need a child pterodactyl to tell you to just kiss already” to “besides I don’t want my life to be like spiderman three I hated that movie” to “kissing with dubious consent” ALL ON THE SAME PAGE like Zahn finally realized he really needed to get this show on the road

LMAO at Ghent getting a free pass from Pellaeon to hack the empire. Like you’re just going to get the thing you need and not steal all of our military and political secrets right? Riiiight? Even more LMAO at the fact that that would probably not even occur to Ghent

When everyone assumes they're the protagonist so finding this one macguffin is their job personally. Like guys I like the energy but maybe we've got enough different plans to do the same thing (the exception, hilariously, being Luke) (and Oh No it turns out Luke is the one to find the macguffin because You Have to Follow Your Heart and Let the MacGuffin Come to You. I eat that shit up also)

Mara’s just... So great.

Not to make everything about my blorbo but absolutely to make everything about my blorbo I do wonder to what extent Ahsoka’s characterization post-Rebels doesn’t click for me is because a lot of the more obvious directions for Oldsoka overlap with Mara, and the powers that be didn’t want to reinvent the Mara Jade wheel. Not to say they have similar characterization – Mara has terminal sam coded dean girl syndrome – but idk, in dynamic range maybe? Calling out bullshit, weaponizing her own abrasiveness, covering insecurity with humor, being Kind of a Lot with a side of trust issues at any given moment – there are modes Mara and Youngsoka share that didn’t pass to Oldsoka apparently. Idk possibly all this is just me wanting them to TALK

Establishing that you can do evil things for selfless reasons without necessarily being in any danger of falling to the dark side is... Philosophically interesting

We interrupt this tale of political espionage to bring you Jedi Relationship Counseling (spoiler alert: communication is key)

"That part of her life [Mara’s time with Palpatine] had died unmourned" I mean mourned a little bit. Mourned for at least a book and a half

I've been willing to suspend my disbelief on everything in this book until "both Luke and Mara forget that ysalamiri exist"

I will never not be a sucker for The Movements and Transferred Ownership of Emotionally Significant Weapons

Oh No thrawn made a second foundation

The Aing-Tii seem OP but whatever

Oh No the second foundation forgot to close the garage doors

(Re: The Jade’s Fire) I know Mara’s having a Moment, and I promise I’m taking it seriously, but when the warrior cat asked “What is it you want, Mara Jade” my WHOLE BRAIN responded with "I want Hermione Granger! And a rocket ship!"

Moranda has real Kevin from home alone energy and I'm living for it

Is it bad that I’m actually kinda happy the Imperials’ Bothawui shield plan worked? Like, they had a really interesting plan and I’m happy for them. They earned it

WAIT IS MORANDA DEAD FR?

What base is “full mind meld while you’re fighting for your lives”

Who would win: ~1.5 Jedi, 2 sentinel droids droidekas, or Artoo with a sauntering gun

If I had a nickel for every time this duology explicitly established Jedi can’t go completely without oxygen, even when in a trance, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but which makes me feel like the Ahsoka show had a weirdly specific axe to grind with the source material

Luke’s proposal to Mara is Just. The. Funniest. Thing. That’s some Anakin-level cringe and the prequels aren’t even out yet. He truly is his father’s son.

I mean POV there’s this guy and for a couple years you want to kill him, and then you realize that’s more of a You Problem, so then you’re friendquaitances for a decade mostly because you don’t approve of the shit he’s getting into, and then you have one (1) honest conversation and get caught in a death trap and he’s like “so I think the next step for us is marriage”

LEIAAAAAA! Full Jedi Knight Leia is both terrifying and hot. I would run.

“So it is treason” – Some random guy

Lando needs to be on the New Republic payroll simply for being willing to speak to any of the other characters and also he needs a raise. This poor guy getting called on to command the entire New Republic fleet mid-battle and he’s like “I’ve been a civilian for 15 years and also I knew you would pull some horse piss like this steve”

Mara Jade, Imperial protege. Skills include: Identifying load-bearing walls. (Now all I want is Property Brothers: Sith Edition)

Mara please. Luke please. These absolute idiots. This is some pear scene shit. I hope nothing bad happens to them ever

The whole back half of this book has been an emotional rollercoaster for me specifically because I wanted Flim to be Thrawn FR soooooo baddddd. And now I’m sad. His name literally means scam don’t do this to me Zahn

I’ve been amused by all the Star Wars universe idioms but I gotta take a moment to specifically showcase “burned your sky-arches.” Karrde is a delight to have in class

Having an independent intelligence agency that’s supposed to work for both the New Republic and the Empire seems absolutely unhinged but go off I guess

When the New Republic and Empire sign peace accords and Luke can’t even be bothered to show up

Mara is great and her arc is fuckin hilarious to me. The narrative has identified her as The Damaged One and I’m like???? She came to terms with her troubled past, drew her own boundaries regarding the Dark Side, recognized that there are people who care about her instead of pre-emptively pushing them away, and resolved to form deeper emotional connections. Smash cut to ROTS Anakin whose physical and psychic damage has literally turned his brain into oatmeal

Again I know this was before the prequels Mad points for explicitly saying Mara needed to form attachments to become a Jedi. Zahn being pretty gangsta there

OH NO THEMB

[therealmlpguy]

propoganda:

The Enigma of Amigara Fault: They are soulmate, they are destined to be one, but the hole will change Owaki till he is not even more human

Star Wars:

Leia and Tarkin are an insanely dysfunctional match… He is a 64 year old highly ranking military leader and politician for an authoritarian/fascist regime (the Galactic Empire) which usurped the galaxy’s government in the same year of Leia’s birth. She is the 19 year old crown princess and Imperial Senator for the peaceful planet of Alderaan, and secretly uses her status in order to spy and deliver supplies and information for the Rebel Alliance— a small, plucky band of freedom fighters seeking to overthrow the Empire and return democracy/peace/freedom etc. Could I make it anymore obvious 😐 It’s very heavily suggested in the film, and shown in supplementary material (books, comics, etc) that Leia and Tarkin have always hated each other’s guts. Tarkin has long suspected both Leia and her family, the royal house of Alderaan, of being rebel agents/sympathizers. In the book Leia: Princess of Alderaan we see him stalking them about it and trying to exploit Leia’s vulnerabilities to get her to crack.

He invites her to to his office for tea and basically implies that he will have her parents assassinated and install her as a puppet ruler of her planet in their stead. She’s also sixteen at that point. Then, at the beginning of the main film, Leia— now nineteen— gets captured by Darth Vader while on a mission— Vader is also kind of sort of under Tarkin’s command at the time. Leia is taken to the Death Star— a giant battle station which can blow up planets, which Tarkin has been given charge of— and held as a prisoner. There she is tortured using spooky sci-fi devices for information about the rebels, including the location of their base, which Tarkin and Vader want to destroy. Vader’s the main torturer but it is clear that Tarkin is involved in supervising the whole thing and may have participated directly off screen. (The torture includes stuff like: injecting her with hallucinogenic drugs that make her believe herself to be in super duper pain (like she’s on fire), shocking her, pinching and poking her with stuff, etc etc). Leia does not tell them anything.

When Vader reports back to Tarkin that he hasn’t broken Leia, our crusty villain is not pleased. Until he comes up with a worser more evil plan…. And so he has Leia brought to the bridge of the station to show this evil plan off. He orders her execution and taunts her about it while creepily touching her face, then blows up her entire home planet of Alderaan in front of her as an elaborate means of psychological torture. Keep in mind Alderaan is full of a ton of civilians who have nothing to do with the war. This is a war crime. Beforehand a horrified Leia feigns breaking and giving him the rebel base’s location in order to try and buy time to save her people; Tarkin thinks she told the truth but still destroys Alderaan anyway because the planet she named was “too remote to provide an effective demonstration” of the Death Star’s capability. In short he has no respect for life and wants to see her suffer.

The entire time this scene happens he’s being very cold and clearly taking sadistic amusement in Leia’s pain and in getting to kill all these innocent people. He also invades Leia’s personal space a lot in a very creepy way. We can see that Leia— who is genuinely a very brave girl— is pretty scared by him at this point. But also very angry. The moment he finds out Leia’s information was a lie he becomes enraged (he can excuse planetary genocide but he DRAWS THE LINE at getting tricked by a teen girl he’s holding captive) and demands that she be terminated (executed) immediately. Fortunately da boiz (Luke Skywalker Han Solo Chewbacca Obi wobi etc) arrive on the Death Star just in time to save the beautiful princess from dying of Terminal Old Man.

She leads said boiz back to the real rebel base and delivers the plans to the Death Star so that they can blow the thing up. They blow it up, killing Tarkin. TL;DR -This ship is between a very young girl and a very old man and that’s the least of their problems -They hate each other and are political enemies. Moreover he kind of borderline stalked her as a teen. -She was captured and became his prisoner. He had her tortured for information. -when she didn’t break, he blew up her entire planet, killing 2 billion innocents solely to traumatize and spite her. -He sentenced her to be executed, and she played a vital role in the battle that led to his actual death. Both have strong intentions to kill the other. There is not a UNIVERSE in which the relationship between these two wouldn’t be something messed up and VILE. That is a big draw for them. They have a weird sort of chemistry. I love them sosososososoo much. Hopefully this educated you on how messed up they are. Like sure your enemies to lovers ship is good I bet but is your bad guy an irredeemable fascist who killed 2 billion people because your heroine made him mad??? Probably not.