#luckily it wasn't anything too bad. it was a calendar i bought for next year

[niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian]

Not me getting ready to go to sleep and realizing that I had left an item behind when I went grocery shopping earlier in the day 🙃

It wasn't an important one, thank goodness, but it got mind going now that I can't get back to almost being asleep now...

[timeoverload]

I wish it wasn't so fucking hard to have a good day. I'm feeling inadequate and like I can't do anything right. I have been getting triggered all day.

Of course a couple of the people in my department were bitter I was gone the past 2 days. It has been 2 months since the last time I called in. I don't understand why people have to make passive-aggressive comments when they have no clue what's going on with me and don't bother to ask. I feel like I've become a burden to them because of my issues. I bought some treats after work to take them tomorrow because I feel bad for not being there and I'm hoping they won't be as upset with me. I don't know if it will help but I guess I feel like being nice anyway even if they aren't always nice to me. I was given a verbal warning for sick days and got put on probation again. If I call in again before July I get written up and lose my bonus and my raise. It's kinda shitty that we only get 3 sick days in a rolling calendar year and you get a warning for the 4th one and after 6 you get terminated unless you have a doctor's note or something. Luckily consecutive days don't count otherwise I would have been gone a long time ago. I could get intermittent FMLA but that would keep me trapped there indefinitely and I don't want that. I don't like having to call in as it is but I just have too many problems. I wish they would stop scheduling so many cases in a day but it is only going to increase the next few months. I'm going to try my best to keep going because I don't have a choice right now.

My steroid has also started wearing off already and I'm frustrated about that. My back feels like it's burning right now. I was hoping to get more than a month of relief. My leg started tingling and feeling weak earlier and then it just got worse as the day went on. Now I'm limping around again but hopefully it won't be as bad tomorrow. I would like to schedule another injection but I need to wait until I have a better plan this time.

It was nice that they got food catered today for lunch but I could hardly eat any of it and it made me sad. It sucks being hungry and not being able to eat anything because it's uncomfortable. It's so stupid and annoying. I hate having to hide the fact that I'm struggling to eat so I take my lunches in the locker room or the back stairwell by myself so I don't have to explain to people that it hurts. At least I ate breakfast but I only had 2 minutes to eat it so I couldn't even enjoy it. Lately I'm lucky if I get to take a full lunch break. No one really takes full breaks anymore because there's too much shit to do. It's exhausting and I don't know how other people do it. I feel like I'm never going to get out.

I also really need to take a break from being on the computer so much. I have a callus on my finger from using my mouse all the time and I think it's ridiculous. My eyes have felt very strained lately. It might also be good for my mental health to try to focus on some different things for a while. I have been wanting to get back in to reading so I might try to do that or something. I will still be on here but probably not as often. I had a really busy day so I'm going to try to make myself eat and go to bed early and maybe tomorrow will be better.