#lowkey never here anymore) and that was her last straw but it's funny because i don't even watch the show like i obviously don't actually

[maddy-ferguson]

i had been meaning to check on my one mutual who liked bucktommy but i couldn't remember her url and i couldn't see her in the people i follow and it's because she blocked me...my bad

[mvtteo]

YES, i know i’m so late to the game - pls fight me :/ - but i’m here now & i cannot wait to write w/ all of u & love on all of u, etc !! i’m stef btw !! ok now on to the stuff yall came here for.

☆★ [ tommy martinez + he/him + cismale ] ☆★ did you know that [ matteo de la cruz ] has lived in erie for [ two months ] now? the [ 26 ] year old [ dealer / uber driver ] is known to be [ loyal ], yet [ calamitous ]. which is fitting considering they are a/an [ scorpio ]. whenever they pass by on the street, i can hear [ save me from myself by louis the child ] blasting through their headphones. they remind me of [ a flickering street light in an alley, dirt stuck under your fingernails & a meme that isn’t funny anymore ], and it really wouldn’t be erie without them! [ stef, 21, est, she / her ].

( TW : drug use, abuse, violence )

FORMING

from toronto originally ! he’s only been in erie for about two months ( and who KNOWS how long that’ll last ... more info on that below )

he grew up in a single parent home ( his biological father SLAMMED the door in his face at 4 years old & never returned ), of course a part from the revolving door of ‘ new daddy’s ’ his mother would introduce to him as he grew. money was tight but they made due, a working/lower class family living in an area of the city that was known as a spot tourists shouldn’t visit. 

a lil bit about his mother : emillia vargas ! she took odd jobs when she could & that’s how she put food on the table. that, or her boyfriend of the month dishing out from his wallet. sometimes it was shocking - to have food in the fridge - when at least half of her paycheck was sent to a dealer on the corner. she was from a long line of addicts & didn’t make it to the other side. matteo’s earliest memories are of needles — and the worst was the silence afterwards. their relationship is COMPLICATED to say the least. for some reason, despite everything, he still cares & checks up on her. probably because she’s the only family he knows. or the guilt trip & manipulation she’s thrown his way — that, too! anyway. they don’t talk often & she’s still at the same house up in toronto.

father : the man left when matteo was just four. fighting was constant ( so perhaps it was due to trouble in paradise ), but matteo was too young to really comprehend why he left & he hates pondering on it - even though the lasting effects are REAL. 

anyway. his mother did have her fair share of boyfriends, trying to fill in that void - but to no avail. some of these men were dangerous, some using emilia, some married already, others abusive & controlling, addicts themselves ... needless to say, no one really stuck. and matteo definitely had a part in that too, being spiteful, causing fights or fighting back. things got pretty bad @ his place & the neighborhood knew whose house those red & blue lights always visited.

SPEAKING of his neighborhood, one great thing did come out of it & that was not too far around the corner lived @luzzamaya​ , matteo’s BEST FRIEND / ride or die / partner in crime. he practically lived @ her house, looked up to her father as the male figure in his life & they’re still two peas in a pod today :~)) ... but more on that later too ...

matteo grew up QUICKLY - not really in the way of caring for himself ( bc his actions would in fact prove the opposite ) but he often hung out with people way older than him ( not really wanting to be home after school, etc ) & he began diving into the world of drugs early on. def the kid your parents would’ve been 👀👀 about. YALL CATCH THE DRIFT OK ... moving on.

IMPORTANT BLURB TO HIS STORY (TW : mention of gang violence )

so he was always in the wrong crowd / hanging with kids older than him / he got involved with drugs etc really young. he started selling drugs lowkey around high school + the town and was a lowball dealer until he continuously proved himself + being more closely tied to this GANG ( the suppliers ), we can call it La Línea bc i looked up active gangs and this one was made from corrupt / retired police officers so i was like .. YUP ! so he’s currently affiliated, not initiated bc that prob means killing someone nd he’s like miss me w that, fool. but as he’s grown his relationship with them + has continued selling (drugs, weapons .. contraband etc), they want him in bc they trust him. giving him more & more duties. and it’s not like he can say NO bc they’re all strapped + can literally ruin/end his life ?? or ruin/end the lives of the ppl around him? SO as another gang (aka a MAFIA) that is trying to step on la linea’s territory … ( maybe it had bad consequences, someone from la linea being thrown in prison or dead ). SO they trust their outside dude matteo (since he’s not super recognizable to the mafia since he’s not u know . FULLY in la linea) to work a plan to take DOWN this mafia. how ? buy ratting them out to the police. a literal snitch smh. the only bad thing is now … someone from the mafia traced the words back to him. their leader is now in prison & has sent “”soliders”” to come after matteo nO MATTER WHAT. he’s gotten threatening calls // he’s been forced into fights // held at gunpoint which was his FINAL straw of being like ..  I GOTTTA GO

soooooo now they’re ( him & luz ) are in erie :~). 

also i’m thinking he got involved w the gang bc originally he owed other low-level dealers money + was like trust me on this. i’ll do whatever u ask. nd is a loyal ass hoe. plus all of a sudden he was making DOUGH selling product + had a following / a lil bit of a “”community”” that he’d never rly had before

PERSONALITY / HEADCANONS ( idk how to label - just some more info )

he’s not a horrible dude but a LOT of people would argue that he is. and his actions might seem like he is. but ... he’s learning :,)

sarcastic as hell

has an infamous smirk ok ... super careless so yall are gonna see that a lot

has a rooted issue with authority figures & hates when anyone tells him / offers him / suggests to him what to do

despite seemingly coming across as a meanie, he could also be considered the life of the party. not in the sense of being gregarious, but more so having FUN. drowning out 

immature as hell 

has definitely dealt to his mother before :/. a low, even for him, but. that’s a complicated relationship

his hair is constantly a mess

STREET FIGHTS FOR MONEY $$$ or when la linea previously made him. he tries not to do it TOO often but sometimes he’s just gotta ya know ?

has some shitty tattoos - minus the ones done beautifully by luz of course !! a few to cover some scars :|

assume scruff on his face at all times

has been struggling with sleeping through the night, nervous abt getting caught & will often just walk around @ 3pm for a smoke

loves reggaeton 

bilingual but hardly speaks spanish :/

WANTED CONNECTIONS 

a SPONSOR from AA/NA

a COP / law enforcement that takes him in for dealing

or even a bystander that calls in authorities for him dealing / stealing / anything illegal ...

someone he DEALS to

someone who OWES him money

a FLIRTATIONSHIP 

a ROOMMATE

a BARTENDER/CONFIDANT @ his go-to watering hole

a GOOD INFLUENCE who is aware of his addiction 

a PASSENGER in one of his uber rides

someone he got into a CAR ACCIDENT with

they hit him in the middle of the night // or hit his car ? or vice versa ?

someone he had a BAR FIGHT with

next door NEIGHBOR

ENEMIES

always wanted to do a homewrecker plot tbh

a revenge plot ?

someone he’s met from a DATING APP

a COUSIN

another CLUB RAT

ok i’m literally open to ANY connection u think of. it might be easy to come up w/ those in-depth ones while brainstorming tg but above are just a few ideas :,)))

[faithlovealyssa]

5 Year Recap: Love Remains the Same

Five years later and here we are making a full circle, back to where we started.If you would have asked me five years ago where my life would be at right now, I don’t know what I would have told you, but I know it wouldn’t have been anything close to what is actually going on right now.

Quick recap: when I started this blog, I was madly in love with my high school sweetheart, Jason. I ruined our relationship by showing interest in another person (which was honestly for the best because I have learned so much about myself since then). By the time I fully committed to Jason being my only choice, it was much too late. I broke his heart and when I tried to put the pieces back together, he wouldn’t let me anywhere near them.

After losing my mom in 2012, I decided to take some time off of going to college to figure out my priorities. I have regrets about making this choice, but shit happens and you don’t dwell... you put on your big girl pants and move the fuck on. After dating a total loser named James my senior year of high school, I broke up with him, and decided to focus on myself. For almost four years now, I’ve managed to stay single (excluding sex obviously [I said I needed to focus on myself not punish myself, judge me jeez]). This may not seem like a big deal... but four whole years single is a major accomplishment for me.

Anyways, after having a huge falling out with my dad in September 2015, I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It was a bittersweet choice to move away from my dad, but I honestly think it’s the smartest decision I ever made to save the little bit of relationship we have left. Even though I moved 30 minutes further from my job, I continued to work at the Tilted Kilt in Joliet. I met some of the best friends I ever could have asked for there. I also met a guy there, Bobby. The moment I laid eyes on this guy I knew he was 100% my type (a complete fuck boy that loves to play games). After getting to know him better, I boldly *girl power* gave him my phone number without him even asking (who the fuck am I and what have I done with myself? LIKE FOR REAL, GO ME!!) The more time I spent with Bobby, the more infatuated I became with him. I thought about him all the time and got so comfortable with him so quick, I almost didn’t know how to act. He was the total package, fine as fuck (and I mean FINE like for real GOD DAMN), tatted (tatted), funny, older, interested in the same things as me, a cop (can you say sexy?!), and only lived 20 minutes from me (can you say convenient??). He was all around perfect, EXCEPT he was missing one key trait... he didn’t even for one millisecond give a flying fuck about me at all. He loved being with me, and taking me places and showing me off, and you guessed it.. he LOVED fucking me, but not once did he ever look at me and make me feel like all the time I had been investing wasn’t going to waste. And the reason behind that is because it was. Once I finally took off the blinders and popped the stupid bubble I was walking around in, I came to my senses and ended things. I won’t lie, it was hard.. fuck it was really hard. But it was the right thing to do and I know I am better because of it. 

In June of 2016 I moved into my very first apartment, paid for completely by me. (I am currently patting myself on the back for this one) I have one roommate, Katelyn, who at times [always] made living with her very difficult. BUT in May of 2017 I will be moving with my bestfriend Lily (oh beeteedubs forgot to mention I got myself a dog in December of 2016) to CHICAGO!!! I am more than excited for a fresh start and also full of pride for being able to push myself to make my dreams come true.

With all of these changes that have taken place over the years, you would think that everything is different, and for the most part this is true, but one thing that’s still the same... FIVE. YEARS. LATER. - Jason.

You’ve heard time and time again that every time he comes home, we somehow (almost) always end up hooking up, then he leaves again and I’m heartbroken for the 8657876473684th time (lowkey this number probably isn’t too far off, I’ve had my heart broken by Jason more times than I thought possible). Well this Christmas was the LAST straw (do you believe me?). SO before he even came home we both decided to put all of our differences aside for the sake of our sanity at social events (we still have all the same friends) and just because it was the mature thing to do. After we worked out the kinks, I was thrilled, this was the first time since EVER that we actually had a stable foundation for a friendship to actually form. When he first came home for Christmas break he met me and a bunch of my friends out at the bars one night and would you believe it... It couldn’t have gone better. It was as if we had been friends for years. My friends were shocked (I mean obviously because they’ve heard about how we can barely even be in the same room without biting each other’s head off) they couldn’t believe how well the night had went and quite frankly, neither could I. But of course, all good things must come to an end. Not even a whole week later all of my friends got together on December 23rd to have an ugly Christmas sweater party. From the moment I walked in the door I thought I had the fucking plague or that the holiday mules were making me invisible because I swear it’s like I wasn’t even there. Hours later I get word that Jason’s doing “Jason” things per usual and is proclaiming he can “have Alyssa whenever he wants”. Well, I REALLLLLY hope he wasn’t planning on getting laid after that party because he could not have picked a worse day to kick a girl when she’s down. I mean come on, CHRISTMAS FUCKIN EVE, of all the days he had to pick Christmas fuckin’ Eve. I felt a piece of my heart crumble up and break off after that, because that, in my book, is what I consider a low fucking blow. After some *choice* words, I made myself abundantly clear that the last time I saw him was the very last time I ever wanted to see him and he heard me loud and clear.

The first month passed and I was so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not forgiving Jason when [clearly] he didn’t deserve anymore forgiveness. I gotta admit tho, this one stung different than the other times. It really felt like he did this one to ensure I would really be hurting this time, that the pain would stick. Well fuck Jason, this pain stuck. About two months later, I was at his house visiting with his mom (for just a few minutes) and right as I was walking out the door there comes Jason (and no I wasn’t seeing things) walking down the stairs. I swear to God in my past life I must have been a terrible person because God just loves to punish me. When I saw his face, my heart dropped into my stomach and I was at a loss for words. So I quickly said hello and practically ran out the door. Two days later I got a “Jason” apology, genuine as all hell and late as fuck at night (drunk? probably *rolls eyes*). So what did I do? 

Option 1: Melted like putty in his hands and forgave him [ugh typical Alyssa]

Option 2: Accepted the apology but stuck to my word and continued to ask him to leave me alone [not. a. chance.]

Oh but I did follow through with option 2!! Five years is plenty of time to teach yourself some lessons, so I decided to try a different approach to a reoccurring issue and see if I could get some different results. Well guess what?! A few days after new and improved Alyssa decided to take over, Gabriella calls to tell me she has been waiting since NEW YEARS EVE to see me in person and tell me while Jason was drunk as fuck he basically poured his heart out about me to her.

CAN I JUST ASK IN WHAT LAND ANYBODY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP INFORMATION THIS IMPORTANT FROM ME FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS?!?! After a deep breath and a blunt, I realized it had already been five fuckin years what’s a couple more months? But almost immediately after this information was revealed to me, I was recanting every word I said to Jason and telling him I needed to talk to him face to face. He agreed and decided we would see each other when he came back from his deployment... in October (ok fine what’s eight more months when it’s already been five years?)

HA HA HA.. I said MOST things in my life changed, not that hell froze over and heaven gave me patience. I decided I couldn’t wait any more so I booked myself a flight to sunny California so we can settle this one way or another, once and for all.

I’ve spent the last three weeks thinking about what I can say to get him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable around me, and for as well as I know him (which is sometimes better than he knows himself) I keep coming up short. I want to reiterate that I KNOW the cycle of hurting each other started with me hurting him. It started when I made him feel like he was not enough. But I also want to clarify that even though I may not have realized it at the time, I am fully aware now of just how much he loved me. That if he could give me his entire heart and half of somebody else’s, it still wouldn’t measure up. I need him to know that he is the only person I will ever be capable of giving 100% of myself to, because there is a part of me that I will never be able to get back because I gave it to him. He’s got to know that Jason is not “Jason” without Alyssa. And that no matter how often the world around us is changing, this love remains the same.