#lookIwroteathing

[jacbehrends]

Today I accidentally stole a pink foam heart.

It’s getting bad again. I don’t know why. I’m trying and I’m trying and I’m trying and I try And I am bailing out water with a teaspoon. Sinking. Filling up and up and up With cold, dark water And I am equipped with a defense so ridiculous that I would laugh if the water wasn’t up to my chest already. To laugh. I can’t remember the last time My belly burned from uncontrollable laughter Or my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. There isn’t much I wouldn’t give. But now all I can feel is The frigid black water Draining life out of me And making my bones creak. For the first time, I am scared of this. I have been feeding this monster my rations And at first it didn’t matter But now it is so big and I am starved. I am no match. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. I tried.

[silver-flame-alchemist]

I just want to take a moment to appreciate that I made this. All 562 pages. That was me. I designed the cover. I formatted it. I edited it. I chose fonts and trim sizes and paper colors. I made this. This is a huge thing for me. Thank you to everyone who helped me through it, and continue to encourage me. #writerwoman #writersofinstagram #lookiwroteathing #TheAdventuresOfToniAndDax #WhitewoodWriting #562pagesofawesome #IDidTheThing #ThankYou

[moons-and-booze]

You compare me to fire, telling everyone but me I destroy everything I touch and burn the ones I love. You compare me to a rainstorm and say I am uncomfortable and a bother to your party. Don't you remember how the fire kept you warm? How the fire drew walls around you to burn anyone that tries to hurt you? Don't you remember how we used to run out into the street and dance in the rain? How the rain washed the world and makes it bright again? I am fire. I am a rainstorm. I am unstoppable. I am misunderstood. I am loyal, my fatal flaw. I care too much about the ones who don't. I have been burned, and I have been rained on. But I am alive and I am trying.

[jacbehrends]

We are all broken and I think somehow we find a way to make it okay

Sometimes I wonder if Sculptures from Ancient Rome Are poetic prophecies, Just a visual admission That we are all Cracked and crumbling. We leave little pieces of ourselves behind us The way Gretel left her bread crumbs But it is not to find our way back. These parts of us Melted off when we were burned Broke off when we were bruised And behind us is the carnage Of our memories. The nostalgia The trauma They own us. We continue down the path, Damaged apparitions of what we once were, Both longing and running from what is behind us. Brave faces with weathered features Cracks in all our delicate places We walk on. We walk on because we have no other choice. This is the human condition. There is such a beauty in Gradual Romantic Self-destruction.

[jacbehrends]

Everyone is a bird and I do not have wings

What is it. What am I missing. What broke and How far do I have to retrace my steps to find it and fix it? I drove my car around nowhere today. Eye contact annoys me because I am jealous of the whole soul I see in a stranger. Where is mine? What is it, what am I missing. I need to figure shit out to be happy But I'll never be happy until I have my shit figured out. So I'm teetering off the edge of a cliff With the wind pushing me in both directions. So I'm hanging off the wire after I lost my balance And I have awful grip strength. So I want to fall Or I want to stand. I am exhausted of this gray area. I will never get it Even though I always think I do. Am I alone in this? This feeling of room temperature nothingness? Yes and no are both scary. Breathe. No, jump. No, climb. No, fall. No, claw. It's all okay if you just keep breathing. If the breath is the metronome, the song will play on Regardless of the musician's smile or frown.

[jacbehrends]

Roll Over

You have to train your dog, you know. She must sit, stay, speak. As an owner he has a responsibility To get her to do the things he wants And refrain from bad behavior. How can he accomplish this? Dogs are loyal, and smart, and eager to please. But above all else Dogs are wild. She has an aching deep inside To run, to howl, to bite. This is not acceptable to the owner. He wants a quiet, obedient pet Who comes when called And disappears when not needed. How can he accomplish this? He can beat her and her spirit. He can smash her snout into the messes she makes, accidental or not. He can yell and stomp and scare her into submission. But she will fear him, And what good is a pet who cannot love her owner? No, he cannot rule through terror. So the prudent owner will enforce and discipline in a less direct way. He will ignore her good behavior. This way, she will always be looking for an opportunity to please. She must work for validation that will never come. And when she barks with excitement Or sniffs and chews out of curiosity, He will express his disappointment With his crocodile tears. After a while, this training will become second nature. She will not run, or yip, or investigate. She will sit quietly and wait for her Master's call. Always in a state of stress, Underneath the threat of being disappointing. The wild animal inside of her will die. She is such a good girl.

[jacbehrends]

Glowing Red Coals Survive After an Extinguished Fire

Someday I will exhale. Someday I will be able to face the turning Of the page Without wincing or holding bated breath. Someday I will embrace change and Smile at the future, Hopeful Optimistic And not scared at all. Someday soon I will trade these worry wrinkles For deep and earned laugh lines. I will know success and I will understand the almost impossible Sweet taste of deserved success. I will savor it and roll it on my tongue, Grateful that the bitter Fear of instability and failure Was swallowed long ago. Someday soon. Someday.

[jacbehrends]

Copy Paste

Nothing worse Than the silence Of surrender and indifference In someone who once Filled your heart with voice and laughter. No we're both standing Back to back Injured Hurt Pretending not to hear the other's cries. What happened What happened What happened We were so good What The Fuck Happened I tried to make this one a poem But it's not poetic. It makes me sick.

[jacbehrends]

French Toast

I met you in my sleep again tonight. Whenever you're in my dreams I don't remember Where we are What we're doing When it is... I just remember you. I can still feel my fingertips Tracing lines, copying your tattoos. I can still feel my heart Flutter in time with your laugh, And I can see the wrinkles at your eyes When a smile blooms across your face. I can still feel you-- Your body heat pressed up to me Like a steady ember. I wake up and the bed is cold. This is what it is, to be Vulnerable enough to miss you. This is what it is, to be Addicted to the whole of you; To ache for your hands on me, To wish for the smell and taste of your skin, To listen to the silence and wish it were broken by your soft breathing as you lay beside me. To want you. To need you. To love you.

[jacbehrends]

"I'll call you back in a sec."

I had my first panic attack In half a year. The quakes of my heart threatening to stop beating The sharp inhales of lungs struggling to work The dizziness, the pit-of-your-stomach hopelessness... It felt like the air was suddenly weighted And crashing down on me. The atoms in the air felt sharp on my skin and the space around me felt like it would pop me like a pressured balloon. I felt like the space around me Was angry that I was existing-- Angry at me for my mass being there, Willing me to evaporate. I tried to stand, Tears streaming down my red cheeks, But I was near fainting and fell to the floor. "What the fuck are you doing?!" His words stung as they hit me And I couldn't breathe more. I curled up into myself on the floor And felt his hands on my back, rubbing. "Calm down, just breathe." A voice in my head told him to shut up, He has no clue that I am about to die. Get your hand off of me I can't fucking breathe Can't you see? My body is at war with itself And I'm going to tear myself out of me If I can't stop this right now. I manage to get up and run to the bathroom Shut the door behind me Lean back onto it And sink down to the ground Until I am folded over. Breathe, breathe, please breathe. "Can I come in?" I can't breathe I can't breathe, "No" Please breathe. Please. "What can I do?" I choke it out, "Go back to sleep" And then a wave of nausea washes over me. I flip up the toilet seat and Heave and gag But nothing comes out. I wish I could throw myself up into these pipes and be swept away to the ocean. I struggle to steal breaths in between stomach heaves. Finally I feel myself coming back down. Anxiety trickles out, Shame forces its way in. Please let me die I have made everything worse And he thinks I'm crazy now and And I've just kept him up in the middle of the night And I wish I was different And I am a burden And I want him to love me through this mess And I know he supports me And will ride this thing out with me And And And I enter the bedroom and he's snoring. Oh.

[jacbehrends]

A ticket from Jax

I cannot fall asleep; I bit holes on the inside of my cheeks. "Take your medicine, fructose." How cute. Now I am on the down slope, And my chattering teeth are sore. Everything I eat and drink Is flavored by my own mouth blood. This is punishment. This has to be karma. You cannot swallow happiness Without it later shredding up your mouth. Skin generates faster there, in the mouth. Hopefully my teeth can resettle soon. Was it worth it? Rubbing my friends back Through her corset While she threw up into a garbage can. Was it worth it? Touching and being touched By friends, familiar By strangers, unknown. Was it worth it? Everyone watching me As we flew on chemical wings And could almost pluck the stars From the humid night sky. Bones clattering, Teeth grinding, Sudden fall... It was worth it.

[jacbehrends]

Terrible

I was told to walk straight And not to stumble But I am naturally clumsy- Uncoordinated- In both physical and emotional terms. I am weak and flustered. I am bones and bones, that's all. If there's a soul inside of me, It's gotta be so shredded into bits That it might evaporate into the slightest breeze. I am always left missing something. Something, something, What is missing? A piece of human you can't pinpoint. Everyone else has it except for me. I am missing from this shell of a being. I must be wandering somewhere Way far back Where I lost myself the first time. Retrace my steps Slowly, but with determination. I hope I can find me before I forget What "me" is.

[jacbehrends]

Hahaha I love being a teenager haha it's so quirky and fun to have crippling fear about the future hahaha and no money hahahaha and be too young to have my shit together but too old to NOT have my shit together haha amirite hahahaha

[jacbehrends]

Introspection on a Sunny Day

They told us that Icarus Flew too close to the sun, That his wax wings melted And he fell into the sea. They told us not to indulge. They told us that to be too happy Is a sin. But they are wrong. Chase happiness with a passion. Jump for it, Reach for it, Claw for it. It is yours for the taking. You can allow yourself To be happy- So happy that your stomach hurts And your smile plants wrinkles alongside your eyes. It is yours. Soar close to the sun, Reach your fingers out and grab it. You cannot be burned by the sun's rays If you're already made of fire.

[jacbehrends]

When Love was a Monster and When Love was a Little Girl.

She was when My mother’s tears stained the yellow floral of her bed sheets. Her newly dyed hair caught the drops from her eyes Like rain dripping on a spider web. And when she tried to explain Her to me Her voice broke, Floodgates in a hurricane. All the water rushed through And She was there.

She was when My sister was under her purple patterned bed sheets For almost six whole days, Smashing her fist against the wall And cursing Her forever for finding a way into her- A parasite fueled on shattered faith and broken hope.

She was when My grandpa kept the same yellowed bed sheets For eleven years after his wife died. And even though he let the rest of the house crumble, He still made that bed with the creases and folds In all the right places Just the way she liked it.

She was when I found myself wrapped up in my fluffy red blanket, Middle of the night and still awake, Embraced by a warmth I had not known. She was riding on his back, a harmless child. And I can still feel her soft hand on my cheek, Her small fingers tickling my belly, Her little whispers making my heart dance.

What is She, A love that can be so kind to me, And so brutal to the ones I love?

[jacbehrends]

High hopes that fall and shatter

I watch this fire storm As she shreds her own insides And lights everything in her path ablaze. I watch her eat the ground And spit up angry smoke that Tethers to the sky like a spider's web. She is ruining and destroying. The flames lick old ground, Lapping as hot, hungry waves. She does not know her severity. She does not see the Black and ashen path behind her. All she knows is "consume".