#look me in the eye and tell me he wouldn't have some super-grandparent sense

[strong-with-the-sarcasm]

Part 23: never as lost

"I'm not ashamed to own my pain, never as lost but I found my way, always knew I'd show my scars one day." -Black Sheep by Dorothy

Regent Masterlist A03 Mundane Macabre Part 22

Jason could keep a secret from his family, that was a given, but he would sooner let Titus use him as a chew toy before he kept something so wonderful from his grandfather. 

It was as if Gotham herself felt his happiness, the shadows embraced him with warmth where there should have been fingers dragging down his spine. No, it seemed the Lady of the city he loved was happy for him too. 

(He loved the Lady, for all she sacrificed to bring him back.) 

(Without the pit clouding his mind, he could find it in himself to be grateful for his chance at life.) 

He wanted to scream the news from the rooftops. 

His love, his soulmate, is having their baby. 

A blend of the two of them- Jason’s fortitude, Jazz’s strength of will. Her determination to protect those she loves, the lengths she would go to made him ache with his love for her. 

That wasn’t to say that they were without fault, no they were flawed beings that would make mistakes in the future. But Jason knew in his bones that any kid of his would be offered the chance to make mistakes without a fatal outcome. To be a kid before having to grow up. A luxury so few got to have. 

Jason decided to call Alfred, unwilling to leave Jazz for longer than he had to. She wasn’t ready to leave her haunt quite yet. 

The private line rang once, twice, three times before the familiar accent answered.

“Wayne Manor.” 

“Hey Alf.” 

“Master Jason! It is good to hear your voice.” 

“You too, Alf.” Jason paused for a second, giddiness bubbling up in his chest before he squashed it down, ��I have some great news, but the bats can’t know just yet.” 

“I will not share whatever it is you wish to tell me.” 

Oh yes, his grandfather was the greatest man he would ever know. 

(Suck it Bruce.) 

Jason let the giddiness rise up, just a little, “I’m gonna be a dad.” 

There was a gasp on the other end, “Oh Master Jason that’s wonderful news! Congratulations!” 

“Thanks Alf. I wanted you to know before everyone else.” 

“Thank you Master Jason, I’m honored.” 

“I’ll let everyone else know soon, but it’s not safe right now. I’ll keep you updated, but I have to get back to Jazz. Love you,  Alf.” 

“Love you too, my boy. Whatever you need-“ 

“I have your number memorized. Bye Alf.” 

“Goodbye, Master Jason.” 

She hadn’t been able to hold down much food, morning sickness striking with a vengeance now that she’d been forced out of her cluelessness. 

When Jason stepped outside for a minute to call his grandfather, Jazz had tried to choke down some yogurt to no avail, but it only made her retch into the sink. Jason tied her hair back and made her sit on the couch with her favorite blanket as he made her some soup, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as he moved to the kitchen. 

It was…domestic. 

(She wouldn’t say that their lives together hadn’t been domestic, but it was in the way two vigilantes could orbit around one another.)

(They were two halves of a whole.) 

(Both vengeance and protection.) 

Their child would be born of the most liminal being in existence, the Regent bearing the Crown, but would its fragile heart be able to bear the burden of liminality? 

It would break hers if she lost the life she now carried. 

Perhaps she was meant to be pregnant now, to defy the odds she’d been given, if only to bridge the gap between her existence as Danny’s protector and as her own person. A person who would be a mother to a child born to a couple who had blood dripping off their hands- maternal grandparents murdered to protect their uncle Danny. Paternal grandfather a Kevlar-clad vigilante who was born into tragedy. 

(Perhaps, she and Bruce had something in common.)

(Other than Jason, of course.)

Jason had the sin of the Pit weigh on his soul, held down down down by rocks in his gut to the bottom of the harbor. A bright soul meant for more than what he had been given. In another life, Jason might’ve been a different man. Not better or worse- different in all aspects, all his rough edges that she loved. 

(If she can love his broken parts, why couldn’t he love hers too?)

(He did.) 

No amount of redemption could ever wash away the blood. It was a fact they would have to contend with for the rest of their lives. 

(In another life, Jason Todd would never meet Batman in that alley.) 

(He would never die at the hands of the clown.) 

(He would find his faith in the Catholic Church.)

(Father Jason.) 

(He would never meet Jasmine Nightingale.) 

(Not better or worse.) 

(Just different.)

“…about seven, eight weeks along.” 

If Jazz did the mental math, she would come to the conclusion that her child had been conceived on the same day the Anti-Ecto Acts had been demolished. 

However, this wouldn’t come until far later in the day as both Jazz and Jason watched, enraptured, by the strange black and white image on the monitor. 

Their child. 

The undeniable mix of two souls, two vigilantes, two death-claimed- was visible right there. 

If Jason hadn’t been squeezing her hand in an iron grip, Jazz would’ve convinced herself she had fallen prey to a Dijon. Her buried dream of a family, of children, rested underneath her heart safe and sound. 

“Alright mom and dad, got some pictures printing out. We’ll see you back here in a month for another checkup, alright?” The nurse gently prodded the couple, a knowing smile on her face as she walked them back to the waiting room. 

A month. Four weeks. Jazz would be eleven or twelve months along. 

This was really happening.

With how toned Jazz’s frame was, given her rigorous training and vigilante schedules, any differences to her body was rather noticeable. 

She had to be in shape for the armor to fit properly, because it was crucial for her vital organs to be protected. 

With her pregnancy about to surpass the second month a small slightly curved bump had been her reward. Just above her waistline and obvious to a trainee eye, Jazz had taken to wearing her least restrictive clothing around the apartment. When in the presence of others (bar Jason), her layers were doubled using the approaching winter season as a reasonable excuse. 

As for Jason, he had been supportive of Jazz’s choice to wait until the second trimester to reveal the pregnancy to their loved ones. 

(Jazz had heard Jason on the phone with his pseudo-grandfather.)

(She had no qualms with him telling the patriarch he respected so much.) 

It had taken Danny walking into the living room a few days after her appointment for him to know. 

His head cocked to the side as he came to a standstill, a confused look on his face as he appeared to be listening intensely to whatever had caught his attention so suddenly. 

“Danny?” Jazz sleepily called, book open on her chest where she’d fallen asleep reading it. She stretched out her limbs from where she’d been laying across the couch, taking a moment to rub at her sleep-encrusted eyes before focusing on her little brother. 

The teenager in question offered no sign of having heard his sister, his gaze stuck to the far wall as his head remained cocked to one side. 

“What’s wrong?” Jazz asked, moving to stand, but Danny stopped her with a fervent ‘shh’ motion. 

Shrugging, Jazz leaned back into the couch and sighed. Late night patrols were not the best idea with a passenger leeching energy. Should she still be patrols  by? Probably not, but she wasn’t going out unarmed or un-armored- short of driving a tank, Jazz was as protected as she could be and the Ridge needed to see her out and about alongside Phantom before they got any funny ideas. 

Danny’s neck made a sickening sound as his head snapped towards her direction.  “What the fuck is that.”

[A/N: Happy Holidays! This ended up a lot longer than I intended so I cut it off right with Danny there. Its not quite angst, but the undercurrent is there, but way subtle. (If you haven't picked up on the "mix of the two" hints...) Anyways, the next part will be a while, considering I'm working on a new one-shot I promised for 700 followers and I rewrote the ending of Regent again. If I don't post for Christmas, consider this your present. Stay safe out there and keep warm!] Thanks for reading!

[peaceloveandstarrs]

About the Send me a Ship and a Number... What about you and Dhani with number 27?

ANON omg who are you lol... all of my besties told me they didn't send this in... it has to be someone who knows about my thing for him LOL... I'm super curious!!!

as a suggestion

I sighed and stared out the window. Snow was steadily falling, to the point where it was covering the driveway and the road. I felt bad. I mean, I was the one that had suggested to Dhani that we come visit my dad. So technically, it was my fault that we were snowed in. Okay, so it wasn't really my fault; I didn't control the weather. But still, if I hadn't suggested it... I shook my head and anxiously played with my hair, twirling the ends around my fingers. I needed to do something. But what?

I glanced over at my husband. Dhani was lucky. He didn't usually have this sense of anxiety when it came to being stuck inside. He was happy this way, much like his dad. He was quietly reading by the fireplace, curled up on the sofa. I was glad my dad had kept my grandparents' house; he allowed us to use it when we came and visited. And that fireplace was definitely coming in handy.

But that wasn't on my mind right now. I got up and wandered around. I went to the kitchen. I wasn't hungry, nor did comfort eating appeal. I had my phone, but that didn't appeal either. My artwork was in the den, just off the living room. I could do that, maybe. Or my book. I looked at the road, and my mind began to spiral again. No. I wasn't going to do this. If there was one thing therapy taught me, it was that worrying wasn't going to change anything. Worrying wasn't going to stop the snow. Worrying wasn't going to magically thaw the driveway and the roads leading into town. Dhani and I were snowed in, and there wasn't much we could do about it. I mean, we could call my dad since he had a truck, but that would be sort of awkward.

So we were stuck. I sat at the opposite end of the couch just as Dhani closed his book. I could see that he was getting a bit restless too. He looked around, and I could tell that his mind was working, the proverbial wheels turning. I'd seen that look a lot over our time together. He ran a hand through his hair, tossing the longer end away from his eyes.

“Whatcha thinking?” I asked.

“Trying to find something to do,” Dhani answered absently.

“Tell me about it. God. I hope this isn't like the last time it snowed here, remember that?”

Dhani nodded. “We were snowed in for what, four days? Till your dad came and rescued us.”

I laughed. “Maybe we should stop coming here during winter.”

“Now you know your dad wouldn't like it if we didn't visit at Christmas. He's adamant that we take home some of that breakfast casserole thing he makes.”

“I know, I know. I was making a joke. But seriously, there's gotta be something we can do. D'you think we could...” I glanced out towards the garage.

“Darling, c'mon. You know we can't, the car doesn't handle snow very well.”

I sighed. “Wishful thinking.”

I slid over towards Dhani and nestled against his side. He put his arm around my shoulders, and I curled. I instantly felt safe. Dhani's hold had always done that, even in the early days of our relationship. And it had only grown over time. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. I mean, it wouldn't be too bad, right? Maybe the snow wouldn't last long. It was supposed to be warmer in a few days, after all. Above freezing. I placed a soft kiss on Dhani's neck and felt him shiver involuntarily as his hand slid slowly up and down my shoulder. I pressed myself closer, nuzzling the warm skin. His scruffy facial hair provided a delightful contrast as I kissed his jaw a few times.

“You know...” Dhani said with a teasing, lilting tone. “We're completely alone out here. Almost middle of nowhere.”

“Mhm,” I agreed.

“And this place has how many bedrooms?”

I counted silently. “Three.”

“There's something we could do,” he said. His voice was deeper; I knew exactly what he was playing at. But I played innocent. “One room each day.”

“Huh. Wish I knew what you were talking about...” I teased. “I mean, whatever are you suggesting we do about it?”

Dhani pulled me onto his lap and kissed me tenderly. I melted against him and kissed him back, softly at first. As the kiss deepened, I opened my mouth to let his tongue in, softly humming as he slid one hand into my hair and mine slid under his shirt, one pressing against his back while the other went into his hair. Eventually, his other hand came around to my chest and softly squeezed one of my breasts over my shirt. The kiss continued in growing passion for a few moments until I pulled back to catch my breath. I knew good and well what he meant... but why not get a little more fun out of it before the main event?

“How's that for a suggestion, hmm?” Dhani teased.

I kissed him one last time, teasingly pressing against him as I slid off his lap and stood. “Can't think of anything I'd rather do...”

With that last remark, I turned and head towards the first bedroom, smirking as I heard Dhani's footsteps close behind. Oh, yes. This was going to be fun.

[rai-knightshade-art]

Canonverse AU Metas

(Warning: long post)

The counterpart to my last post about Mac Ever After, these are the two main metas of how Brady might join the canonverse. They're mostly the same story with minor differences between them (and one is written way more angstily than the other) but I'm including both for the sake of completeness. Also bonus Macdalton incorrect quote at the end.

Also here have a Lily Story Mac and Jack to match Brady.

Version 1:

Canon based Macgyver au idea; or, how to bring Brady into the canonverse and a proposed ending to the show itself:

Basically Nikki somehow ends up dead, for realsies this time. This obviously sucks and is super depressing for everyone, but more pressing at the moment is that she apparently had a kid, a son named Brayden (nicknamed Brady). And to Mac's utter confusion, HE is listed as Brady's godfather/next of kin in case anything should happen to her. This confusion is cleared up pretty abruptly when Brady shows up at the Phoenix with Mac's blue eyes, Nikki's hair and nose and a penchant for taking things apart to look at them (aka there's less "godfather" to his role and more just. Straight father). They bond and Mac sets to work caring for his kid, with the assistance of the Phoenix team (Jack is a remarkably adept babysitter... When Brady decides not to escape. Luckily Mac is an escape Master and always knows how and when the kid gets out). Eventually though Mac realizes that juggling Phoenix and Brady... Isn't going to work. He has to pick one of the other, and he knows in his heart that the choice will always be Brady. He tries to announce this to the rest of the team only to find that they'd already realized that this couldn't go on forever and that he'd always choose his son first, and reveal that they all have contingency plans for when he decides to leave. Riley is going to stay with the Phoenix, working with the other computer nerds almost exclusively and helping Leanna with her missions. Bozer is going back into movie making, still dating Leanna and always leaving his door open if the Phoenix needs any prosthetics (he and Leanna get Mac's house). Matty is staying as Director of course, and working on putting together another flagship team (not as good as theirs, but still plenty competent). And Jack? Well, Jack figures now is as good a time as any to retire completely from this life. His new home? Wherever Mac decides to go with Brady, whether that's still LA, Mission City, Boston, etc. Where Mac goes, he's sure to follow. It's at this point that Mac, somewhat sheepishly and probably a little tearfully, admits that he wants to raise Brady on the Dalton Ranch.

And that's how Bozer becomes a well-known effects man with a secret agent wife, Riley becomes the lead hacker at Phoenix, Matty eventually becomes Oversight, and Mac and Jack raise a kid in Texas.

Bonus:

Jack: *steps out of a yellow taxi, Mac by his side, little Brady hidden behind them, to see Mama Dalton waiting for them*

Jack: Mama!

Mama Dalton: Jack Jr! You finally come to your senses and decide you better come home and give me grandchildren?

Jack: *sheepishly* Well Mama, about that...

*Both men step aside to reveal Brady, who shyly hugs his Dad's leg*

Mac: Mama, this is Brayden Macgyver.... My son.

Mama Dalton: *coos over the little boy* Well hello there Brayden, I'm Mary Dalton, and I'm Jack's mama. You can call me Me-ma if you'd like though...

Version 2:

The Canonverse + Brady au:

Ok so basically Nikki got pregnant after that last night with Mac before they busted Thornton, but she didn't tell him because she knew he'd drop everything for the kid and she wanted him to continue his work at Phoenix. She raises Brady on her own for a few years, possibly still with the CIA but maybe not in the field as much, but something goes wrong and she's killed when Brady's 5 (because parallels). Mac and Jack are informed by Matty (because Mac hasn't been in contact with Nikki in years) and Matty has to break the news that Nikki had a son and that she's named Mac the father (possibly using pictures of Brady that Jack sees and immediately recognizes as being spitting images of Mac as a young boy). Brady's brought to Mac at the Phoenix and Mac just kinda,,, breaks? Because Brady asks if he's his Daddy and reveals that Nikki had told him about Mac, shown him pictures, but told him that while Mac loved him he wouldn't get to see him unless she had to leave, and well... It's just a super emotional moment and leads to Mac embracing his son for the first time and promising fervently that he'd never, EVER let him go. It's at this moment that everyone knows that this is the end of the team, cause there's no way in hell Mac's gonna keep putting his life at risk when he's got Brady.

("Why didn't she tell me?!?!" "Because she knew the same thing I know, hoss: as soon as you found out about this kid you'd have quit the team for him." "*Spluttering* I wouldn't-" "Angus, look me in the eyes and tell me truthfully that had you found out Nikki was pregnant that you wouldn't have dropped everything for her and the kid." "....*silence*" "That's what I thought. And that's why she loved you, that's why I love you now, but she and I both know that the world has needed you these past few years, Mac. Now though... Now the world could live without you, if it needed to.")

At some point James sees this and finally realizes that he fucked up, has a bit of a breakdown and Jack talks to him.

("My pop always told me that it's never too late to say you're sorry and mean it. But another wise man once told me that sorry doesn't fix everything, it just starts the conversation. And right now that man needs all the help he can get, especially from a dad who knows how 5-year-old Macgyvers work; I only know how 12-year-old Riley's work, man, I'm not gonna be much help here.")

(This is a lie, Jack is plenty of help, especially when Mac says he wants to retire to the Dalton Ranch, and even more especially when Brady stops calling him Jack and starts calling him Papa. Mama Dalton is Mema from the get go and welcomes the kid with open arms.)

And that's how Mac and Jack retire to the ranch, probably James in tow, with the rest of the crew visiting frequently. Eventually Riley sets up shop in the area (possibly with Billy because him cheating seemed really out of character), and Bozer becomes famous as a filmmaker and sets up his own Skywalker Ranch on some annexed land. Matty visits on occasion, more often when she finally retires. Mac goes on maybe one more mission (like, a world-is-literally-ending-and-ONLY-mac-can-stop-it type of mission) and everyone else helps from the Ranch/takes care of Brady so he can come back to his kid without worrying. Not sure what to do about Murdoc, maybe he stays locked up, maybe he dies (though that would kinda suck for Cassian, maybe he dies and they adopt Cassian too? Ooooo that could be good actually). Later on they might also adopt a little girl, maybe one of Brady's classmates who lost her family and has nowhere else to go (two soldiers with abandonment issues know how THAT feels and could deal with nightmares that she'd have after the trauma). And they just. Create their own happy little life on the Ranch. And it's nice. James learns how to be a proper parent and grandparent, possibly with some help from Mama Dalton. Mac and Jack get married sometime after Brady starts calling Jack Papa (he asked at one point if Mac and Jack were dating, and if so why Jack wasn't Papa or Dad too, which led to a conversation about it and Jack's official elevation to Papa status). Brady was the flower boy and ring bearer combined. All of Jack's Deltas came and adopted Brady on sight. In general everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

Bonus quote:

Snippet from canonverse:

Mac: *is about to get hella shot*

Jack: *shows up out of the blue right on time* hey babe sorry I'm late *shoots down two goons* traffic was a bitch man you know how it is *shoots three more goons*

Mac: .....I love you,,, so much

[kyunsies]

Hello Mädch ahsdjaksdh <3 !!

how is college going? dw, I hope you are settling in super well and feeling optimistic about school and all the amazing things I know you are going to achieve this year! I am excited that you are starting your rotations now! you are going to do awesome, I know it! I'm sorry that you didn't get that ICU first like you wanted but hopefully it's all part of the plan so that you get it at the right time for you <3 let me know how they go, of course. I hope they go super well.

the week has been a bit weird to be honest, in my team I had a semi argument that was properly tense for the first time with someone and it was just so unpleasant. you know those people where they aren't horrible but you know that you'll never completely see eye to eye with them? i think it's just one of those things, where we'll never just completely read each other or get each other? and it's not, like, a massive issue or anything that we can't deal with, but I feel like usually I get on really well with people or not at all (all or nothing person I guess haha) but with this person I've just got to admit that we're always going to be a bit in the middle? like, we talked it over, and I've still found sometimes we misunderstand one another? so things are still good in work and clients, but with workpeople it has been the more difficult battle? hopefully we should get some more cool media stuff with the K-pop people soon, so that's an up?

OMGsh your coworkers are so much older than you! [lease do post a picture of your room, I am 100% confident that you have made it so dreamy and pretty. Thank you sm for telling me more about these operations though! I feel like everywhere is on red alert at the moment when it comes to health and care and making sure that people look after themselves and not put others at risk, you know? the doctors that to talk to me about my potential surgeries too have said the same but it's nice hearing it from a friend, you know? so thank youuuu <3 <3

I was the same as you, I would get so so so anxious and stressed if I wasn't studying or working or anything like that? but my mum is like your mum and grandma, where she gets up early too! but I feel like I need to do the late night thing instead? but then once I got into this crazy spiral where I would wake up really early and go to bed really late and like nap in between so I ended up like having two hours of sleep either side? that was peak wth at the time haha XD so now I try and let myself wake up a bit later really XD ha ha I'm in barely adulting! like I work so much but I don't earn a lot ha ha – I don't think that's very effective adulting? or like, I don't know I guess for a lot of people my age there's a work hard and hope it pays off thing in certain industries? so you're definitely more effectively adulting than me right now! like, you're going to do stuff that's gonna actively help people and you'll see that right in front of you, you know!!? sometimes my work gets out there but I rarely see directly if it gets to make peoples lives better you know? so the path you're on is so so admirable <3 <3 <3

I get you though, do you find that you thrive under the pressure even though it's sometimes a lot? I find that sometimes it does help me, but sometimes I forget to identify the times when it isn't helping me? or, sometimes I take it too far? so please look out for yourself and take care of yourself <3 and when you're worried if you're on the edge know that it's enough for you to take a rest and not be super perfect. i sometimes tell myself to except that I'm probably gonna make two or three stupid mistakes a day? It sounds kind of silly but it means that it makes it easier for me to accept when I mess up, idk, I think it helps me balance the pressure sometimes? i 100% understand what you're saying - at school do they have people that can directly help? or like peer supporters so it's not as stressful or official feeling as a therapist? if you ever want me to come off anon to help lemme know <3 i'm always here for you <3

oh my gosh your grandparents have been able to live long too! all my grandparents lived close to 100 before passing, and one of my grandmothers had the same as your grandfather. he sounds so sweet and so kind though! i love that he knows how to FaceTime you! Some of my aunts and uncles still don't properly haha. it sounds like he knows that he's super loved though, he's very lucky <3 <3 i've been thinking about all this really lovely stuff and how it grounds you when stuff like careers can stress you out and feel like the most important thing when it shouldn't be? what are the personality differences between the different areas of the US? my East Coast friends seem to straight talk a lot more than my West Coast friends? like they're a lot more realistic as opposed to being, I don't know laid-back or if not laid-back sometimes just more comfortable with superficial stuff? Not like my West Coast friends are superficial people, but I think they accept it as part of the world a bit better? my friends on the east coast will rail against that stuff a lot more, like they buy into the influencer bullshit less? but I guess these are all sweeping generalisations anyway... I might have to travel a bit in europe soon... I got asked to go to otaly for some work today, and to holland next month. Idk if it will end up happening though, things change all the time? I have to keep checking quarantine rules all the time with countries! but YAY and YES Europe tour trip one day :D !!!!!!!

you know what? when I first saw you compare bowling and golf I was like, wait, what? but now I totally get it! i know a golfer and they talk about how physical and strenuous it is on the arms and stuff all the time which I don't think always comes across when you watch it and it makes a lot of sense with how you describe how you trained for bowling! i used to cox in rowing and I always used to find it really funny that I said that was the sport I did because honestly I just sat in the boat all the time and steered XD

obligatory YES WTF ARE COTTON SCENTS! quite a few shops in the city where I live have been closing down because of Covid but our Jo Malone is still going strong! I love that lots of already classic clothing shops have now gone out of business but for some reason the people where I live cannot live without their perfume XD I think I'm gonna go in later this week or next week to take a look! with all this travelling I kind of want to buy something new? also, my hands have been acting up with injury so I have to rest my hands more anyway – so might as well look for perfume right? do you have any recommendations or would the blueberry one you've just gotten be at the top of your list?

the exciting thing is that I'm doing a bit less this week! I need to wait and see if that job wants me to fly out to Italy within the next 48 hours, if not next week, but if not I think I'm gonna figure out how to rehabilitate my joints a bit and get my brain okay? It's been existential Covid crisis week haha - I think a lot of me and my friends have been feeling like we've lost so much of our lives and potential during this time and I've really tried to hold in and ignore it for the past 18 months? i'm not one to ever feel lonely or to really really want to be in a relationship like some of my friends, but I've just been feeling it this week? like, I love my independence, but I wouldn't say no to a boyfriend right now you know? I feel silly saying that sometimes because I'm so against feeling like you have to have someone in your life to be okay, but I guess that's just a result of how the world is has been recently?? but I think all my feelings exploded around this stuff now so, I am trying to get back into a better place? so it's not as exciting as some of the stuff I've told you about before, but it's what's up I guess?

how are your mum and grandmother doing? are they doing good? [lease send all my love to them too. I'm glad these help you reflect on your week! they do with me too and I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter how long you might need <3 <3 hope you manage to reward yourself for working so hard these past days and that you remember you're always doing 110% so you deserve the best!

love you lots and lots - 💥

ANGEL HELLO !!!!!!!!! i told myself i would stay on top of this and swear in a timely manner but ;_____; a full week + 2 clinical rotations later here i am on a sunday, it seems this is always the case :( maybe my get back to you day will only be on sundays LOL i will try my best in the future babe, but ofc thank you so much for being patient with me <3

uni is going fine so far hun !!!! i've started clinical rotations as i've said on thursday and friday, and then my first exam is on tuesday so i read some chapters yesterday so i'm not squished for time lol :) and ,,,, what you said "hope it's all part of the plan" is very much my way of thinking lol wha is your sign? i'm a sagittarius and that's like, a philosophy i go by like everything is how it's supposed to be even if it's not what u want like everything will work itself out :') i'm wondering if we are one in the same !!!!! <3

and omg ;_____; conflict within the workplace is NEVER easy bc all everyone wants is to reach the goal you all are reaching and bc there's some bumps in the road it makes everything that much more stressful :( and i know exactly the type of person you are talking about LOL i've had to work with some of my peers in the hospital who really didn't treat me all that nicely , but i still have to partner up with them anyways bc we had to move a patient lol ; like they never do anything terrible to you but you just cannot come to a proper agreement with them? i know the feeling :( but i can tell you are doing ur absolute best ;_____; it's a tough situation ,,,,,,,,, but may i propose something ??? maybe since things are high stress in the workplace, would u be willing to meet them outside the workplace, like a quick coffee meet up and then discuss those issues? maybe talking about it in the work environment is way too stressful for both of u and it is hard to come to an agreement, but maybe in a calmer, more informal setting do u think maybe the both of u could be like "hey, what u were talking about i'm not really head over heels for but this is what i think and do u think we can do something where both of us will be happy?" im thinking maybe will opening up a means for more civilized discussion?? just a thought LOL :') let me know how it goes :( i hope u are all able to figure everything out !!!!!

about the surgeries !!!!! like i said i know it's super stressful to think about bc this is one of the very few times in life where things are absolutely out of our control and that scares us, and we as medical providers aren't supposed to give u a false sense of security, but i promise u everything will be just fine as long as u correctly follow up with care post-op :) we wouldn't want an infection !!!! >;( i remember last year i had a patient and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy and she was scared shitless ,,,,,,, but i was like "listen ma'am i know it can seem scary but i was just in there with the doctors and everything is super relaxed and they know what they're doing in there, you'll be out in no time and i'll be here waiting !!" and that seemed to help her a lot, after the surgery she was on me like flies on shit LOL she was like "THANK U HONEY" (but i think most of it was bc she was still drugged up hhh)

LOL us with our family members waking up early <3 literally this morning i decided to do my laundry at 8am (its only 10 right right now lol) but idk it just make u feel a little bit better doesn't it? but oh my gosh no i don't see u in this way at all ;_____; babe like you're already THERE in the world working and to me like ,,,,,, being an effective functioning person in society is like all i ever want i just want to be COMPETENT and the fact that u manage ppl ???? it's already a lot of responsibility but you do it everyday like you go to work u make food for yourself u pay bills like yes this all kinda sucks but you're there doing it and idk ,,,,,,,, like u being in this position is like yeah their surviving in the world and doing okay !!!! so that’s how i see u hun ;_____;

and i don’t think i necessarily thrive under pressure but i just kinda ,,,,,,, handle it?? like i think i handle my stress quite well !!! i think the reason why making mistakes scares me so much in my field is bc if i make a mistake i can like, kill someone or seriously harm them if i do something wrong SLKDFJ but i have to remember i’m still just a student and a lot of the things that i’ll learn won’t even be in these last few months of nursing school, but rather during my months of orientation on the floor i’ll be working on when i finally land a job ,,,,,, i know i just have to be patient and kind to myself, but it’s hard not having these high expectations for myself bc everyone else pushes themselves super hard (nurses i mean) so i feel like i should be too , ya know? ;_____; it’s a hard balance that i’ve yet to find but hopefully once i graduate i’ll have just a little bit more confidence in myself :’)

and omg your grandparents lived a long life as well !!!!!!!! a lot of my friends’ grandparents are really young still, so it’s hard for others to relate i think LOL but :(((( i’m really lucky to have them around still and like, i feel like my grandparents are the cornerstone of our whole entire family; once they pass i’m not quite sure what will happen ;_____; so i’m just trying to cherish every moment that i have with them even tho sometimes it’s stressful lol ; also BOUT THE DIFFERENCES FROM EAST TO WEST COAST LOL ; i think u described it really well actually :) like among the friends u have the are from different parts of the states, it’s very accurate in my opinion !! and again after all it is just a very broad assumption, in general east coasters have this “workaholic” attitude, they tend to be very realistic which i actually appreciate a lot lol, i’m hoping to live near the east coast when i move out <3 now where i am from it is considered the midwest even tho it’s more east than west if u look at it on the map LMAO and like, it’s really funny bc if u say to someone you’re from the midwest they’ll tell u our reputation is being “too nice” LSKDLFJSKLD and like that’s our thing, a happy medium between coasts with big cities but small towns too and generally just very chill and nice ,,,,,,,, the south of the US is also known for having that “southern hospitality” overall very cheerful ppl with personality and super kind attitude on life :) now the west of the US i’m not saying there aren’t nice ppl out there bc there are LOL but esp near lost angeles or hollywood ofc you’re going to have ppl very stuck up bc ya know they made it to big bad LA and they want to be trendy with all of the fake health shit (celery juice does NOTHING FOR U sorry lol) generally my view of the west is just very fake and i would never want to have my family grow up there LMAO but that generally like, california and washington but like, utah or wyoming or colorado are just absolutely gorgeous and they have small town ppl there bc there are a lot of ranches there ,,,,,,,, does any of this make sense to u ??? KLASFJ 

i’m going to skip a few paragraphs bc this is so long already LMAO but trust me i’ve read everything so far lol ; it seems like you’re doing a lot of traveling !!!!!! <3 i’m so jealous !!!!!!!! italy sounds so beautiful i would love love to go some day :( ALSO U SMELLED THE BLUEBELL PERFUME RIGHT ???? U LIKED IT ?????? doesn’t it smell absolutely divine??? no matter how many scents i smelled after that i knew it was the right one for me ldkfsdlkfj <3 i’m still so in love with it ;____; also about ur lil rant about feeling lonesome :( bub i can really relate to this and i feel the same way like my mom and the rest of my family never pushed me to meet anyone and i’ve always never had a problem making friends, but like, as i’m older and i realize i’ll be alone a lot more of my time once i graduate like i really do want to share my life with someone :( i have a lot of love and i want to be able to show it to someone i care about a lot but i just never really take the initiative to do that bc quite honestly i’m not confident in myself lMAO so ,,,,,,, i know we never feel like we need to be dependent on someone but sharing experiences with someone who feels very strongly for u seems nice, doesn’t it? i wish this for both of us really soon okay?? <3 i tell my friends i would LOVE to be engaged right now lskdjfslfjs :’)

but anyways !!!!!!!! my mom and the rest of my family is doing well <3 and i’m doing okay too !!!!!! i don’t want to bore u with how clinicals are going but if u want me to tell u just let me know LOL and angel i know i say it all the time but always thank u so much for being patient with me okay? u are the absolute best !!!!!! also as promised, here are a few pics of my dorm room LOL it’s a shoebox but it’s my shoebox :) enjoy !!!!!!