#lol sike there's basically nothing in the world that will make me confident in posting my ocs lmaooo

[woolydemon]

I am cursed with the burden of liking so many things but not having energy to make art for all the things I like 😭

[thotsandpuppys]

my v first...

So its 3:40am. I’m awake , would prefer to be asleep like a healthy person, but nope. I awake , drinking a semi warm can of coke with one strand of Christmas lights plugged in. Christmas lights are my absolute favorite, just basic ole off white. Perfect mood lighting. Anyways, I am going to start a blog and try to tend to it every night. Right now, ZERO followers. Geez I like my other tumblr better haha SIKE. I kind of hope people who know me never find this blog. I’m going to be transparent as hell. I mean I guess I won’t mention names, however this isn’t like a dirty shit talking gossip one either. ew. But i love me some gossip, who doesn’t !!? This blog is going to be really just me talking about anything and everything hoping its going to be a good way to trreat my newly self diagnosed mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder. I am only confident its what makes me the intense world is ending everyother day crazy lady that I am. Take it how you want idek what I said. OH yea idek who I am half the time or why I chopped my hair off in 2019... wtf!! But yea, I wish I would of started a blog 10 years ago. Like one where I posted every day or atleast weekly. Its hard to stay focused honestly. I really almost just concluded this but no I need to input a little more about whats happening in my life. I need to in order to get my intense feelings and extreme thoughts out of my head so I ca practice letting things go. I wish Josh were alive to see my new found practices of slef talk therapy. Thats what I’m calling this anyways. He was right about so many things. He knew I was messed up and I never listened. I hate thinking about my behavior when I was his girlfriend. Thats the past though, and wow there I go- about to dwell on 5 years ago when there nothing I can do about it so why would I send myself into that whirlwind of negativie thinking to eventually stashing my phone to avoid it and all the notifications and photo gallery because I can’t handle the self regret that leads to thought of self harm. I’ll admit I have never ever been one to cut myself ot anything like that but I have had thoughts where I jsut don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone and its better off I’m dead. I have even wished to be kidnapped to get out of this “terrible never to be fixed” situation I call life. Luckily, I have been aware of why my brain works this way. Its my messed up genes from Kellie Linihan (mom) !! Thanks for the mental clusterfuck of chemical imbalances and traumatic childhood events. LOL jk but really. Love my mom so much regardless of the gene pool I have acquired.  Dad is so normal is weird hes jsut late to everything and a huge procrastinator. Thats pretty normal though for a lot of humans. 

So let me jump in to the not so great things I don’t really want to talk about but this is what my blog is for. Well I hate my living arrangement right now. I feel like i’m the character in a really intense book about a girl who is trapped and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love St. Pete and I loved living at 1511 22nd ave S. But now I’m in the backyard of that location, not literally but I can see my old back yard from the back door at this house. My wonderful humble neighbor let me have a room after unfortunate events resulting in me having to vacate good ole 100 yr old 1511 adobe beauty. It was a great house !! But why do I hate it here?? Sherwood is great , hes super nice and almost to good to be true. Until recently, whenever I had been completely comfortable here and everything was good he had to be the typical guy and get weird. I thought that was impossible so I am left very saddened by it but more uncomfortable than ever. I never leave this tiny room I have. Never. Only to go to the store or work little shifts stocking the circle k cooler (lol). But yea, even going to the bathroom sucks. Staying up late I feel awkward and try to stay quiet because the only thing seperating our bedrooms is a door. That I keep shut to avoid him. I don’t want to make him out to be a creep like that because hes not. And I believe he got hint (even though its been apparent since MAy or since Ive met him !!) since that friday night 3 weeks ago I’ve been pretty isolated maybe having 3 conversations with him lasting 2 mins at most and happened on accident because I needed to pee so badly and had to take a trip across this home to the ONE bathroom. Ive never wanted my own bathroom so badly !! I bet this whole thing wouldn’t be so awkward but of course feeling his hand on my upper thigh that he placed there ever so gently and SOOO casually!! Like wtf !!! Me him and taty are sitting on the couch watching football and homie decides hes going to make the move I guess. He places his big hand on my tiny thigh and not just placed it there and let it sit he did some groping move like I WAS HIS LADY !!! NOOOOO . I am not. I am no ones lady. I am god lady, jk lol it just sounded funny. (lmao). SO he did that. I will mention he has referred to me as his “gf” when hes mentioned conversations he had with friends and if it was about me going to one of his buddies for car repair or whatever so whatever. I don’t even hug him or flirt AND I FLIRT WITH EVERYONE> GEMINIIII** I don’t know why he had to do this and literally make me want to take flight. Which I am. TO Key West. Very soon. I wish I could go stay with Charlie but Iknow hes over it and sick of me. Granted, he is my domestic partner by the state of FL so I think he signed off to kind of have to be invested in my needs lol BUTI would never ruin his life like that. I wish SW would of been clear on his feelings towards me before moving into his house. Like I can’t even say how many times I have emphansized the fact that he was my bff NOT someone I’m trying to get freaky with. I feel so utterly violated. I feel violated knowing when he knocks on my door he usually just knocks then opens. Thats not how you enter someone room not knowing what their status is regarding tops, pants. Let me give you an example... last week its 7am , I just showered and I am getting ready for a 4 hour CK shift. I wasn’t dressed all the way, like I was topless looking for a bra. I let Chase out and SW was letting his pup out at this time and decided to let CHase in. Thats fine, thanks man but that doesnt mean just open my door when my tits are out and about !! If I had not heard the front door knowing he was letting Chase in (thank god my intuition is on point) and then definitely letting Chase in my room I would of not known to move directly behind my door to block myself. If I had been distracted he would of gotten a peep show of my lovely boobies , ew. Like come on !!! Then that night, whats he do ?? Opens my door when I’m taking my pants off. Like dude !!! you can’t do that !! It sucks. BUt wow does it feel good letting this out and just assuming someone will hear me. I can’t just talk about this stuff with my friends. Taty makes it worse. She jokes about this. Its a laughing matter to her. Like wtf its hilarious I feel imprisoned and violated. I don’t think shes ever been violated and Ihope she never is but me I this isn’t the first time. So this is PTSD for me. If I try to go into detail about this to her its just going to be a waste of time because she won’t get it. If she didn’t get it the night SW groped my thigh in her presence meanwhile shes trying to keep composure because like I said its hilarious to her so she wanted ot burst out in laughter. WTF agian. AWKWARD!! uh. I love her but goddamn, selfish much ? Glad you can get a kick out of your friend being mentally tortured and physically violated. Fuck. Okay I think this is enough for now and maybe not I might come back in a few hours. I slept all day , also making this awkward because SW feels the need to let me know Iknow to get out of my room more and blah blah blah. Sorry but no I can’t shake the awkwardness and it sucks. I am trying. I have to build up enough courage to let him know I’m going to ee my Uncle in KW for “a few weeks” psst...no im moving and never coming back..Only to retrieve my belongings. Its shitty. Well goodnight zero followers and goodnight wondering anxious thoughts :) be back soon. In fact I might take an adderall and be one of those 5am club members lmao not tell anyone I have been up all night because I went to bed at 10am the day before. Ooops. Nightowlllll. Idk why I’d take an addi when I’m not having to actually focus on anything serious but hey why not. Maybe I’ll write a book this morning or something. lata

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