#living room :3 i haven't been hanging out with her much lately tho. been really out of it. but she hangs out with my wife too so its okay :3

[the-trans-dragon]

My bedroom door doesn't quite shut all the way right now and my cat isn't allowed in my bedroom, so there are 3 outcomes for this:

-she puts her paw under the door and tries to pull it open. Makes a very overwhelming rattling noise but doesn't open the door

-she paws at it and it swings open and she goes 0.0 and stands there politely because she knows she's not supposed to be in there, so I can just shut the door

-she baps it open and flings herself into my room and hides under the bed until she gets bored and starts yelling or knocking stuff over and gets banished

[straighttohellbuddy]

you know me {Wilbur Soot} // 1

sigh no more

Summary: As much as you love your university dormmates, you wished they wouldn't try and wingman you every time you all went out together. The only thing that gets them and their good intentions off your back is telling them you're already seeing someone. What happens after that is at least partially their fault for misinterpreting your friendship with Wilbur... But it's also his for agreeing to go along with it when you ask, and it's definitely yours for not being more worried when he gleefully threatened to be the most embarrassing fake boyfriend the world has ever known. Need to Know: They/Them. Set late 2020ish?? University Student!Reader. childhood best friends with Wilbur.

{ masterlist }

A/N: 2452 words. so ive been struggling to exist lately which is why i haven't posted this earlier despite how much i love it. im not sure when the next parts will be though i have made a solid start for now, but i really do hope you enjoy this! solid feedback is also a fantastic motivator, so if you have any thoughts, feelings, or suggestions at all about what you might like to see in this story going futher, please let me know!! i hope you enjoy it <3 also im just gonna go ahead and say here that one of my favourite forms of intimacy is giving ur friends silly nicknames on messenger.

Warnings: References to drinking.

Taglist: @extremeloserr @ahsteriawrites @mishthemess @spencer-not-reid1 @esylwen @lovejoyenjoyer @harbingerofheartbreak @lavcha @axeofwars @hiredars0nist @boiled-onionrings @river-exe @artsycanongoer @ghostyv @mitbin24 @generalnav @raes-gay @btwimskyvv @midnightsky1213 @lastwandastan @alive-woman-sitting @musiclovebot

Taglist is always open! Feel free to message or comment if you’d like to be added! xx

Your class is running far later than you'd expected on a Friday afternoon when your phone starts blowing up with messages. You had only been at university for a few weeks but finally had managed to schedule time to hang out with Wilbur, and had wanted to show him around your new dorm, so messages from him were to be expected. As you check your phone, however, you realise you forgot to tell the rest of the people who lived in your dorm that he would be meeting you there.

[Y/N literally is this your man? Come collect him from the sofa if u know him or let me know if I should call campus security] Your Residential Advisor sends to your dorm's group chat along with one of the awkwardest photos of Wilbur you've ever seen in your life. In class you choke on a laugh before seeing a series of messages from Wilbur as he'd been navigating around the campus until finally -

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): I THINK THE PEOPLE YOU LIVE WITH THINK IM A SERIAL KILLER]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): like ted bundy]

Your whole face scrunches up with fond but well worn exasperation as your lecture across campus finally comes to an end. You respond first to the dorm group chat, assuring them that he was indeed your friend, and that you'd left your room unlocked if someone could show him there so he wouldn't have to awkwardly wait in the living area, before finally turning your attention back to Wilbur's messages.

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: nobody thinks you're Ted Bundy can you please just be normal while interacting with my dormmates]

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: my RA let you in she's gonna show you to my room you can wait there]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): I'm so normal right now I asked about the Weather! Small Talk! ]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): seriously tho this is so awkward she definitely thinks I'm a creep]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): which I AM but that's usually part of the long con, not a vibe I like to give off at the start]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): thats a joke]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): obviously]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): but actually please get here soon she definitely wants to call security on me I'm pretty sure]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate): please tell her I'm not a murderer]

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: alfkalflakfls]

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: no someone just told her you're an internet celebrity lol you're fine]

[hamilton kinnie(affectionate):😐]

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: not me lol]

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: I didn't even remember to tell them you were coming to the dorm today why would I mention something like that]

[🦀in my crab arc 🦀: you passed the vibe check tho]

And you send a screenshot of the group chat where someone had mentioned that he was the awkwardest man they'd ever seen, but a few others had chimed in that he had a 'cute, shiny face' that made sense for an internet celebrity. Someone had screenshotted and close cropped his name from Twitter already and just commented 'FROM CHARLOTTE'S WEB?????' which had the latest response of '😳🕸️SOME PIG🕸️😳' which had the most positive reactions of any message in the chat.

You assure Wilbur you've told them not to be weird, which does little to alleviate his concern, but thankfully you're climbing the stairs to your dorm and are only moments away. Your RA gives you a look which you shrug helplessly at, but thank her nonetheless as you abscond to your room to put Wilbur out of his misery.

"It's different to how I imagined it," is the first thing Wilbur says to you. The door isn't even properly closed, and you're setting your bag down by your desk before you give him a wry smile.

"Better or worse?" The door closes with a click and you cock your head to the side, watching him while he gazes around at the way you've decorated the little dorm room from where he's perched on the edge of your bed.

"That's entrapment," his face lights up with an amused grin, still looking around, "I'm used to your old room," and when you sit beside him and flop back to look at the ceiling, he follows suit, "it's nice here, well decorated." And there's something about his strangely reserved tone that has you sighing.

"They're not gonna be weird about it," you assure him softly; unfortunately you were able to intuit what was worrying him fairly well. This isn't the first time you've had a conversation like this.

"You know I don't think it's your fault," he tells you matter-of-factly, turning to look at you, "but people -"

"- are weird," you finished with the faintest disappointment, knowing all too well that he was right. Still, you're glad he's here, and you tell him as much. He smiles at that, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"We could go," you suggested, "I could plan better for next time and give you the full tour in the middle of the day when everyone's in class," the earnest offer makes his smile widen to something fond, "come on, we can get dinner and eat at your place, get on the piss at a pub across town; barely anyone goes past walking distance here." His whole face scrunches up with something all kinds of bashful and fond as he hides the expression against your shoulder, smacking you with his forehead hard as you speak, "I'm only here for a year, dude, you've seen it, that's all I require, I'm content, you never have to come back, which does mean there's a good chance I'll be living at your place on weekends but -"

"- and you'll spend your weekdays wasting away here in your well decorated Fortress of Solitude -" he snorts, shifting back to lay beside you properly, but at least now he's grinning.

"- I have friends outside of you," you remark flatly, smirking.

"I never agreed to that," Wilbur plays at being offended, and you sit up if only to shove him in the side.

"If you're really so jealous I can move in with you -"

"Into what? My linen cupboard?" He sits up too, giving you a right shove back, which has you skittering to your feet, crossing the small space to lean against your desk once more, looking at him with a sharp grin.

"You already having a housemate is not my problem," you stick your nose in the air and try not to laugh at the whole charade. As the bit slowly dies but the good mood remains, you ask if he wants to leave now, or later.

"I quite like it here," he says instead of answering properly, looking around again with a newfound fondness, "I might live here; gonna give up my place and move in. You're okay to sleep on the floor and be the only one paying rent, right?" After a moment, you school your expression into something neutral as he plays up his innocence.

"Wil, did you ever hear that Flight of the Conchords song Petrov, Yelyena, and Me?" You ask with a blithe smile. You can see the moment he remembers the song and it's premise, the way amusement lights up in his eyes as he keeps his expression otherwise controlled.

"The one where they eat their unwitting roommate in his sleep?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Never heard of it," he refuses to break eye contact, "haven't the foggiest," he sits back a little, "on an unrelated note, how about snacks, and something on Netflix, and I don't move into your dorm?" Giving a toothy grin, you finally break and laugh, agreeing easily.

You pass him your laptop from your bag and tell him where the charger is while you head out to the shared kitchen to get snacks for you both.

"You guys joining us tonight?" There's more than just your RA in the common room now; a few of your dormmates are sitting around the kitchen island preparing for predrinks. They'd already invited you earlier in the week, but you'd declined in favour of hanging out with Wilbur.

"What?" Now in the presence of other people who definitely knew who your best friend actually was, you could feel yourself growing tenser.

"You and Wilbur, you know you're always welcome to pregame with us, he is too," your RA smiled so kindly, as if trying to reassure you.

"We won't be weird about it," one of your dormmates assured earnestly, "it's cool that he's your friend." The girl next to her elbows her pointedly and averts her gaze, trying to hide her smile.

"He is," you blurt out, "my friend that is. He's my best friend, and he has been for ages, so just... don't be weird -"

"Come on, we're not being weird!" The first girl tries again, before giving a long sigh, "we'll try not to be weird," she concedes.

"You can't blame us for being a little curious about him," your RA says carefully, "he's a pseudo-celebrity on the internet, he -"

"Yeah but he's not a spectacle," you countered sharply, brow furrowing. You open the fridge into silence, "he's my best mate, he was before any of the internet stuff, and he's a person before any any of it; can you guys just treat him like that?" And you grab a bottle of soft drink from the fridge, closing it again, leaning your forehead against the cool metal with your eyes closed, "sorry, I shouldn't have snapped."

"No, we get it," one of the girls says sincerely.

"Do you and your friend Will wanna do pres with us?" The other offered kindly, and you take a deep breath, grateful for their understanding.

"I'll ask," you tell them, and all three give a little cheer at that, "no promises," you warned with a half-smile, and they all nodded quickly, thankfully all wearing grins.

The minute you step back into your room, however, you're startled by Wilbur standing only a foot from the door. His arms are crossed awkwardly over his chest, hands tucked into his armpits, cheeks puffed out and eyes wide as he rocks back on his heels with the movement of the door. He looks... kind of guilty. Also like he's trying desperately not to look guilty.

"I wanted to ask about the bathroom," all came out in a rush, and you, door still open, sighed, "you took longer than expected," he added; you hung your head. He'd heard your outburst at the very least, that much was clear. Stepping aside you tell him the bathroom is across the hall, hoping to use the brief moment to come up with some sort of an apology.

Instead, as he leaves, he heads to the common room first, and you can see from your door as he raps his knuckles on the empty doorframe, garnering the attention from the three girls in the room.

"Hello, hi, I'm Wilbur, Y/N's friend Will," its an akward if amicable start, jerking his thumb over his shoulder to your bedroom door where you stood still watching.

"Y/N's friend Will!" All three in the kitchen practically chorus, like they were somehow aware that he knew about the conversation that had just occurred and it was all an inside joke. Well, it does get Will to chuckle.

"I was told there was an invite to drinks, is that still on the table?"

"Uh, yeah of course," you can hear your RA answer, though she manages to regain her composure, "it'll be us and the guys from over there," you don't see her gesture but knew she'd be pointing to the block across your joined balcony, "we start drinking pretty much any time after sundown, but will be heading to the club around ten."

"It's a theme night - neon," one of the girls added, "not that you have to dress up or anything, but I'm about to make a run to the costume shop for any face paint if either of your guys want some, that's pretty much all I plan to do for pres," she laughs brightly as the others groan about how it's going to end up a mess, and Wilbur looks over his shoulder; he knew you'd be there, but gives a grin nonetheless.

He raises his eyebrows in silent question, and you, so endeared having watch him mend bridges that weren't even his problem, smile and shrug; sure, why not.

"We'll be there," he tells them, which elicits another round of cheering from the three prepping in the kitchen, "lovely to meet you ladies," a sentiment which is echoed back at him, and from there he finally actually heads to the bathroom.

The interaction you'd witnessed has you feeling all sentimental, and as you close your door and head back to your bed where Netflix is waiting, you can't wipe the goofy grin from your face.

"I guess you can move in here if you want," you tell him with this silly, saccharine tone, and Wilbur laughs before he even closes the door, "I'll sleep on the floor, you win."

"Nah," he shrugs, kicking off his shoes finally.

"Lost interest?" You raised your eyebrows at him and he gives a dubious glance over your bed. Then, almost as if he feels guilty about admitting as much, he sits beside you, back against the wall that served as your headboard.

"I literally don't fit, Y/N," he pointed out, kicking at your wall to draw attention to how dangerously close his feet are to the end of the bed already. You allow your tone to get teasingly sappy as you tell him he fits in your heart, and all he can do is rolls his eyes with a half smile, the sacchrine silence lasting right up until you pull your laptop onto your lap an a notification from your dorm's group chat flashes up in the bottom corner of the screen.

[🕸️SOME PIG🕸️ confirmed for pres!!]

It was one of the girls who had been in the kitchen, but Wilbur's expression seemed to flash through all five stages of grief upon seeing it, despite the growing number of heart emojis for the message.

"Oh god, is that really what they're calling me?"

Pulling out your phone you text the group to remind him that his name is Wilbur. Immediately, however, you get the response that 'that's too obvious'. Beside you, Wilbur snorts a laugh.

"What? Like I'm a secret agent?" Which you then send word for word in the group chat, attributing it to Wilbur himself as he buries his face in his hands and you quietly cackle. They were trying, in their own way, to accommodate your request to 'not be weird about it', which you were grateful for, so at least this you were happy to laugh about.

So they end up deciding to call him Charlie; it's short for Charlotte's Web.

[onemanzerosquad]

New York Blackbeard Diary Pt. 3

Day 11.......Woke up.....Started my day getting breakfast then headed to my neurologist office to get my form from my job in regards to my restrictions. After, went to the library to print out documents in regards to a situation that led to someone purchasing something from a PayPal. Pretty much someone hacked into my PayPal and purchase a monthly subscription to watch a show smh. As I was heading to work, I thought about all of my problems and have decided to take care of all the problems. Feels like time is not on my side in my opinion and I can no longer deal with the bullshit no longer. As take care of the problems head on, I have no problem dealing with consequence even if my body limitations is at risk cause. I'm alone in this and that's no one fault cause everyone has their own problem to fix.

On on to the side story......2012.......

The new year started and I was in a long distance relationship. Unfortunately, It didnt last long. Obviously, communication was the cause of the problems. From there I was talking to girls got into a relationship but that didnt even last too. Then I saw her. Now I'm not gonna write her government name. So I'm gonna name her HopelessRomantic. Unlike every women I've been with physically, I actually found her online. I didn't expect her to give me a chance but she did. At first, we were back and forth breaking up and making up. Then mid year, she broke up with thru a inbox smh. She was right tho, I wasn't doing anything with my life and she felt I had no ambition. It's crazy because before she broke up with me, I wanted to let her know that I finally got a job lol. During that time til September, I was dating and talking to other women but at the same time trying to get back with HopelessRomantic. Then at one point, HopelessRomantic was going through a tough time. So I took an opportunity to help her out. I was making sure she was okay. Then one day there was a BWA (beach) reunion show and since I told HopelessRomatic about my backyard wrestling career, I invited her to the show. That day was interested as I got to see some of the guys even my first love and by the night, I brought her home and "Netflix and chill" happened lol. It was our first time doing something after 9 months of us knowing eachother. From that moment on we were back together but this time she trusted me and gave me another chance of love again. On to other things,in that year I started wrestling officially in BWA (Bronx). I had a chance to wrestle in RCW but I decided not to go. I knew I wasn't going to be comfortable there and plus the only people I would mostly trust would be the DIW wrestlers that I meant in 2011. Everyone else ehhhhh (the white boys weren't really there lol). BWA (Bronx) hands down was the best time of my backyard wrestling career. Holy Convictions Tag Team with Genocide, 4 aces, matches with Loco, Dixon, Dom The Don, my epic match against Gencocide that open everyone's eyes, and the match of the event of SuperShowDown (their Wrestlenania), against Joker. I had a epic time in the BWA (Bronx). Now back to HopelessRomantic. Our relationship was great. Our families liked us together, I got to see her often, I was working, the sex was great lol, and she even motivated me to actually go to college. The original plan was to go study Criminal Justice. Then December hit and after the hurricane, I came from chilling with a friend and HopelessRomantic send me a message on Facebook breaking up with me. There wasn't a particular reason. She wrote like an essay but it had nothing to do with me. I can only assume she wasn't interested anymore. So the year was heading to its end. So I decided to live it up with Black, Red, Green, and Blue Label with some 40s. Regardless of the break up, I still had good year.

Day 12.......Woke up and started my day with a cup of coffee. Went to my job to pick my check check my app to see how much since I started last week and today was pay week and apparently I got no pay listed on this week. So I can only assume my next check will make up for last week or something. Money is always with no value hard to get by but hey whatever. So went on my morning and TD Bank to fax the people apart of my dispute case and unfortunately the bank printing machine doesn't work doesn't work. So another Negative Nancy in the poison air of New York City. After work, I saw my Autismo crew (J God, Weirdo, and Porn Plug). Chopped it up a little bit and by the way F**K WWE 2K!!!!!

On on to the side story......2013......

2013 new year.....still working on and off. Surprisely, me and HopelessRomantic kept in contact regardless of the breakup. One day I brought her over just to chill. She got cozy which didn't bother cause she was single as was I. From what I remember, we were talking and it led to her being emotional and she was crying. So held her tight then boom......we had sex......The next day we were talking and I kinda express to her I wanted to get back together but she didn't want that. I actually cried but accepted and got over it. Probably like a month later, she got into a relationship with someone else which sucked even more. Other than that I signed up for a program that dealt with Digital Media and did well in the program. I was still working but not as much. My birthday but on that day I was sick (for about a week). After I healed, I started this new job that my guy Dirty Sandchez aka Eyevrows from Getaway hook me up with. It was an maintenance job. Did the job and all. July 4th hit and partying up drinking doing my thing. I woke up and got a call from HopelessRomantic letting me know that her Aunt passed. All I had was tears cause her aunt meant a lot The last time I talk to her was Mother's Day so the pain was more. I was mad and I played Dante's Inferno with anger. From morning til night, I beat the game. The one thing I notice alot that day was I had double vision that whole day. I would think that would be gone by the morning but it wasn't. After hanging out with my boy. I started to fall easily and constantly told I looked crossed eyed. By August my left leg felt like I or sprained it. August I finally hit the switch and started college. I was studying Mental Health/Domestic Violence Counseling. First semester went well. All As and 1 B. I even had my own little crew.

SIDE NOTE: One person in that crew ending up being my girlfriend (2016)

During the first semester I was still dealing with my health problems. Things got worse. My hands were so numb that I couldn't write. My double vision was there everyday and I had a hard time walking on my left leg. After going to the emergency room doing MRIs and Catscans and testing my strength with a group of neurologists and constantly hearing that I'm so young (I was 22), I saw a neurologist and he told me that I have Multiple Sclerosis.......

Day 13........Woke up, got ready, and speed walked to the bus stop to get to work. Unfortunately, I got a little late due to the bipolarness of the bus coming on schedule. When. I got to work, I couldn't punch in due to the app I punch in on couldn't connect to the server. After work, I went to see a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time and that was pretty much my day.

On on to the side story......2014.......

2014 came. I finally got my finally treatment after waiting for months for insurance reasons smh. I had to take it every week. I continued college by taking free classes inthe winter semester which was apart of Fall semester. As a result passed both classes with an A. From there my GPA was 3.6. With my education background with a learning disability, D equalivent grades, being in special ed classes, and receiving services due to my learning disability, for a guy with a incurable health condition that pretty much messes with your body depending on the central nervous system state, it was remarkable for something like that to happen. Spring semester hit and once again did my thing in classes, went on dates, and followed the routine of being on grind. Then the summer semester hit and I was offered to take a short summer class and I took it of course since it was free. That morning of first day of the class, I wanted to do the impossible and walked from my home to school (Albemarle and East 19 to Manhattan Beach). It took about 3 hours. Got to class on time and kind sat around or whatever. Some other people got inthe class and informed the professor that they were in the other classroom. For some odd reason I was more aware of a woman saying that then the others. Crazy cause that same woman ended up being my girlfriend by the end of September. We ain't saying government names. So her name for this post is Hermione (she likes Harry Potter). She had tattoos, smart, and she was honest for what I feel most of the time. Eventually the relationship didn't last and ended the same way.......a message. Her reasons made sense I guess (went too fast). Honestly I don't believe time should be a determining factor for a relationship to happen. If you feeling this person then give it a shot but that's just my opinion. Also, in 2014, I officially ended my backyard wrestling career against my friend, my brother, and my on screenplay rival Rodney Banks. It was the perfect ending to the legend that was called Heavy D.

Day 14.......Woke up. Gather some clothes and did some laundry. Sat outside for a little bit and headed back to the shelter and took a power nap. Woke up about 3 and watch One Piece Episode 901. I'm already current with the manga. So I'm basically watching what I already read. That was pretty much my Sunday. Plus I need all the rest for the upcoming days of this week. I gotta say, I'm slowly getting myself together to the point that people inthe shelter are noticing me more as hardworking individual. I'm always on the move and that's being notice and respected by people in the shelter.

On on to the tragic side story......2015

2015 started off okay. Winter semester was a success. I saw Hermione. But I didnt really give her attention after the break up but after we talked, we became friends and that was it nothing more. Spring semester came and I did my thing again and lived the college life but got a job. So now I'm get on my grind and officially had no time for much. Summer was here and my mother was working getting her passport to go back to Jamaica and see her family after years. One time I came from work and as usual expected my mother to be home since she doesn't like to be out late. She nevered came home which was extremely alarming. Call the police and I was informed that she was in the hospital in the city. Got to the hospital and use the phone to locate and she was in the 3rd floor ICU. I didn't know what ICU meant at that time but I knew it was something bad. Got to the ICU and saw my mother........Hospital covered with a bandage on her head as if someone bash a metal bat on her head. Come to find out, she had a seizure and fell on head in the street very hard. I was in tears. All I can remember was that the last time I saw her she told me that she was heading out. My mind was wtf like this ain't real. Called everyone I can call and every got the news that my mother was inthe hospital. She eventually got transfer to a rehab center in Far Rockaway Queens. Things seem to be okay. Then I come home from a hard day at home and I get phone call from a friend informing me that something happened and my younger brother didn't sound okay on the phone. Went to the hospital my mother was sent to. Her eyes was closed. Next couple of days saw her as the machine was helping her breath not responding or reacting inthe room. The doctor spoke to me and younger brother and pretty much said there a very little chance they can help. By October 12th. My younger brother called me and informed me that our mother died........

Day 15......Woke up.....Had to skip gym again. I had to get my mail and sent some emails. After, I went straight to work. After work, I happen to see a face I haven't seen in quite some time and we actually introduce our names after knowing each other for years. It's kind of cool knowing someone and finally just engaging in a conversation (just regularly). Then mailed my my money order to this One Shot Deal that I owe money to unfortunately. While on my way back to the shelter, I started thinking.....now knowing that just about everyone knows that I have Multiple Sclerosis......Hawk's Eye will be on me and my refusals from any assistance will make things a little more tough and edgier. So at this point, I have to be smart on everything I do. But I'm sure I'll get through this someway.

On on to 2016.......

2016 was here. After a hard 2015, I was able to keep the home, still work, made sure my health was good and survived a hard semester. I made the impossible possible. On the other hand, things were different. I started living somewhat a independent free life. I went to school, work, and party on the weekends. I was even going to the strip clubs and bars just living it up with my people. Eventually, I had this feeling like I needed to be what I was and I felt it was time to look for love again and I found it. No government names revealed. So her name was SoReal lol. I knew her since I started college (2013). We kept in contact and eventually we got together in July. It was love again. I haven't felt this type of love since my first relationship. She was smart, hardworking, and very determined to finish college. I was in love. When she felt she needed me, I was ready to help. We went on multiple dates. We talked all the time and we expressed that we loved each other. Other than love, I GRADUATED FROM KINGSBORO WITH AN ASSOCIATES!!!!! By September, I was city bound at City College. By the fall semester thing weren't good between me and SoReal. She distanced herself from me and with that I got less focus on school. Our relationship was so back and forth. When December hit, I got a letter from the landlord informing me that I must pay 3500 dollars in two weeks or I get evicted. So rent is not really being paid by my roommate, I'm barely getting thru college, and my relationship is a mess. As a result, I was still in relationship surprisingly, I pass my classes (barely), and I had to ask for assistance from this service called the One Shot Deal (where your whole rent is paid off but you got to pay back the money that was covered. 2017......would finally bring me to the limit.....

Not everything was meant to be......

Jikai........One Last Time. The Past From The Last View 2017 The Fall Of A Headliner

Mad King Recharging Arc

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Planning a romantic weekend away

Jimmy: Gracie came at me earlier. There was mistletoe up and I near fully hit the floor 😎 Jimmy: Hold fire though. She only wanted to tell me to convince you of summat. Pretty sure you already know what it is Janis: Erm...Father Christmas is really real? That her weave isn't from dead Brazilian hookers? Janis: Enlighten me or I'll tell her she's got a holiday free pass on you 😈 Jimmy: Double date. Need I say more 😡 Janis: FUCK. I DIDN'T THINK IT'D ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Janis: How far does she expect the season of goodwill to extend, like? Already got some poor cunt being a charitable home for her arse so she don't freeze Janis: Single tear. Janis: Question is, can we make it worth it enough for us to endure that shite? Hmm Jimmy: I almost got my arse to church so it wouldn't. Shoulda sucked off that priest when he asked. Too late? Jimmy: You better get me a top notch pressie, baby 😏 Janis: You know you ain't on the nice list 😉 Janis: So, Santa might be dissing but you'll be getting something extra special from me Janis: As for God, and his holly jolly perverted following, I reckon we're both shit out of 🍀 there, no matter how good our head game is, such is life Janis: Grah, I hear she does shoutouts now...want that 'influencer' clout, baby? Not double entendre my end but might be for GracieGuru 🙊😂 Jimmy: what the fuck we going to do then? No way I'm hanging with her and her latest 'boo boy' Jimmy: Even if I was getting paid, which is likely since she just loves common grounds Janis: Preaching to the choir, dickhead, ain't my idea of a good time either, or hers let's be fucking real. She just wants to dry-hump a slab of boy in front of you on the off chance that really gets you going for her Janis: You wouldn't call her brainy, bless Janis: Idk, don't worry about it, Jim. Just avoid her/the flat whites like the plague and I'll have to literally run away like I'm an angsty 12 year old so we can't be located, even with friend finder or whatever they stalk each other with Janis: Oooh! Just call me brains, we should pretend to have a romantic weekend away planned, that'll send her over the edge, that is her everything goals Janis: Like I said, I can hide from a hoe Jimmy: I knew there was a reason I kept you about Jimmy: Let's do it though. Easier to take than fake the 'gram Jimmy: Any ideas? 🤔 Jimmy: Most of my boltholes are far from yours and not very enviable for that crowd #it'sgrimupnorth Janis: Yeah, why do you tbh? Janis: Now its clear my sister has got no respect for anyone on her hunt for dick/self-esteem Janis: She's hoping its a twofer like Janis: I don't know if I can stand you for that long, darling Janis: But I SUPPOSE your the lesser of two evils here 😉 Jimmy: It's love 💕 Jimmy: Come on, it'll be a laff. I'll get the beers in Jimmy: You can try harder to beat me at darts and pool Janis: As far as the adoring fans/salty haterz are concerned Janis: and that's all that matters Janis: bitch i don't have to try! 😤 you put me off last time with ur mooning 😍 Janis: we don't need to convince the old fellas in the boozer Jimmy: Fuck off I was getting practice in! Jimmy: If you're ready to fake a break up say the word but until then, it takes a lot of work to give you the puppy dog eyes. I'm not Twix Janis: Sure you was 😂 Janis: N'awwh but you do it so well! Janis: Audition for the School play whilst ur at it, soft lad Jimmy: I do enough fake snogging without signing myself up for that bollocks Jimmy: You coming away with me then or not? Jimmy: You know your sister'll be in again nagging before shift's end Janis: Well, when you put it like that Janis: 😒 Janis: I ain't got nothing better to do, and I certainly ain't third wheeling her fake date Janis: My grandparents got a place down skerries Janis: we can crash there Jimmy: How many rooms they got? My dad's working so I'll have to bring the ramble with Jimmy: #goals I know Janis: Fucking hell, my pissing sister! She owes you more than she's spending on coffee for the hassle she's causing Janis: If you really can't, don't worry, I'll sort her. She'll be unbearable when she finds out it was all for a laugh but it was at her expense so how much of a mug can she actually make me feel? 😑 Janis: That said, there's 3 rooms, its only a caravan don't get excited but the kids would probably be buzzin', it is pretty nice down there Janis: I'll even let you have the double bed to yourself Janis: ol Janis: l Jimmy: It'll stop them nagging me about going somewhere other than the park that'll do me Jimmy: Cass talks big but she isn't even really so doable Jimmy: Don't be getting any ideas though 😍😉 my brother hasn't slept well since we moved. I'll be sharing that double like it or not Jimmy: What a way to spend my first proper time off since I started #blessed Janis: Yeah, fish and chips on the beach even tho its fucking baltic, chasing Twix will keep 'em warm, you'll earn major big brother points as well as bae ones Janis: What a mighty fine man Janis: Same here, Cass. Shh about it though Janis: Like you said, it'll be a laugh, we can make it one Janis: You'd really rather be making pinkity drinkidies or whatever the fuck they are? Jimmy: Nope. But your 1st romantic break usually is. Any talent there is in all grans playing bingo? Jimmy: Be nice to get something off the 'gram 💋 Janis: I ain't been since I was about 9 Janis: I wasn't after bitches then and I ain't now Janis: I wish you luck, 2 kids hanging on your arm and a woman back home, like Janis: Does it for some. Jimmy: I'd do some talking first to get things clear I'm not tall Tammy 😂 Jimmy: Bet you were a right cute kid, weren't you? Aww Janis: Again, have fun explaining that one, mate. I'd struggle with the concept and I'm in on it. Janis: Adorable. What happened? Jimmy: Shut up you know what you look like, mate Janis: A butch lezza? Janis: So I've been told 👍 Jimmy: That's not what they are saying anymore. Check my comments sometime. The lads are gagging for you now Janis: Goody gumdrops. Janis: I'll leave my knickers at the door, like Jimmy: You could like. I've been waiting for you to drop me as your fake bf since this whole thing started Janis: I'm not interested in any of them. Janis: Would your world be set alight by Aaron O'Reilly from form? Janis: If you wanna cop off with some of your fans don't let me stop you Jimmy: You aren't. They're not my type anymore than Aaron's yours. I'm just saying you take a crackin pic and I should know since I'm the one takin 'em. So you don't need to spout that crap. They're just jealous of how much of a butch lezza you aren't Janis: Alright. Well, you're not half bad at taking snaps, and not in the bullshit way every hoe thinks they know their angles and magic lighting these days, you're actually decent. Janis: It don't feel like crap when Janis: blah, meant to delete that, ignore it Jimmy: 🤐 Jimmy: Wanna help me with my art project while we're away then? Kill all the birds (hopefully not with my flash) Jimmy: I'll owe you again Janis: I won't even joke on you for being a swot 🤓🤞 Janis: What've you got planned? Jimmy: I haven't had any time to think yet beyond film being the medium but Jimmy: #workinprogress Jimmy: with a muse like you m'dear how could I go wrong 💕 Janis: 😜 Janis: just so you know, i ain't bringing any homework but put my name or yours, yeah? 😘 not even in art but might count for something Janis: clue me in tho, brainiac, what do the kiddos like? i'll get 'em something Jimmy: Rookie mistake mate, art's an easy A Jimmy: They'll take anything covered in sugar. Can't say I'll love you for it when they crash mid journey though Janis: Only 'cos you're good at it. With my genes I should be but I can barely draw a stickman. Janis: I'll stick with double sports, sports science and science 👌 Janis: I'll keep sweets in stock for bribery, goes without sayin'! Different pocket to Twix' fish treats, though Janis: I'll have a look down town Jimmy: 😂 did you see that article doin the rounds about the mum who bought her kid a cat's advent calendar Janis: 😂 Yes! Shame catnip don't work like on us like it does cats, that kid would be pingin' Janis: Might get meself some, like Jimmy: What gets dogs off their heads? I'll keep Twix well clear Jimmy: She's high enough on your 😍 Janis: I don't know, actually...telling them they're good bois? Janis: Works for you boo 😘 Jimmy: I prefer being called a very bad boy 😎 Janis: You clown 😂 Janis: Good to know, suppose. Dirty weekend away though it ain't Jimmy: what our fans don't know won't break their jealous hearts Jimmy: you coming in for your freebies today or shall I do a delivery your way once Grace is home? 😉 Janis: Kick it really cliche and be my sexy delivery boy Janis: Try and bring something with sausage in so I can come at you with the quality porn writing Jimmy: Live your fantasies as well as your sister's if you want, my name tag says Jonathon today Janis: Ooh, spicing it up with some roleplay like we're middle-aged okay Janis: How boring are you that you've picked a name so similar to your own...this is why we've hit a dry patch, Jimothy! Jimmy: What would you seriously pick? Janis: For you? Janis: Who's a fittie... Janis: Anthony Joshua could get it Janis: You don't want to be in the play but reckon you can stretch to that? Jimmy: Next time I lose my name tag I'll insist on that. For the bae 💕 Jimmy: About as close as I'll get I think Janis: Who do you want? Janis: I wanna know your type Janis: Bar Tall Tammy Jimmy: Your sister obviously Janis: Fuck off, not even funny Janis: If that were true, you know where she lives bitch, I ain't stopping ya, she's practically shoe-horning you in 🤢 Jimmy: I meant the fit older one 😉 Janis: Ohhh Janis: Still, do one 🖕 I'm not pretending to be my sister you freak Jimmy: That's one pretense too far. Got it 😂 Janis: Yeah, in this hypothetical you've really shit the bed, pal. Jimmy: I only half read that because #customers and thought you called me shit in bed mate Janis: well... 😏 Jimmy: I fake rocked your world Janis Cavante! 😂 Janis: you know we faked it so i didn't have to fake it 💅 Jimmy: Aaron O'Reilly's walking through the door want me to slip him your number and end this? 😝 Janis: I will murder you. Janis: also he might think your trying to set up a threeway for YOUR benefit, so if you wanna take over the gay rumours that bad, go for it 💋🍆 Jimmy: I've seen you with a pool cue I think I'm safe Jimmy: Give a shit. At least I actually am butch Janis: Psh, you're all show no grow Janis: We're arm wrestling, then you'll see Jimmy: 💪 I'll beat you at that too then, shall I? 🏆 Janis: Bring it on. I won't make you cry too hard, save face in front of the kiddos. Janis: 'Let' them kick your arse too 😜 Jimmy: Try it, baby girl 😝 Jimmy: Cass probs could no lie. Scrappy af that one Janis: Good girl 👍 Janis: Gotta keep you in check Jimmy: Doubt you'll be calling her that when she's shadowed you all weekend Jimmy: She loves you. Who knows why? Janis: I keep telling you I'm a delight Janis: Has this...how long has it been? Month, 2? Of SHEER BLISS taught you nothing Janis: Ruuuuude. Jimmy: Nope. I'm with Team Bobby. You're a gross meanie Jimmy: As all girls are 😂 Janis: Well I'm winning Bobby 'round this weekend by hook or by crook Janis: then you can please yourself, billy no mates Janis: Team Janis 💪 Jimmy: Every bro knows you can't be friends with your girl Jimmy: DUH Janis: Oh yeah, all straight couples HATE each other and that's #goals Janis: If I can't be chatting shit on you, how will I get to talk about you constantly to my gals? Janis: Singing your praises? I THINK NOT Jimmy: Speaking of, Gracie and co are back on the premise that Tall Tammy left her....something. I wasn't listening. Should I break the news we won't be here for date night or do you want to do the honors Janis: Dignity? That's long gone, honey. Janis: Ooh, lemme do it, you're coming round with the sausage anyway Janis: We can do it together baby Jimmy: awhhh Jimmy: I've hidden the mistletoe but she can see the top of the highest counters!! I'm on borrowed time what do I do? Janis: Headbutt her in the teeth Janis: 'Accidentally' Janis: Can't help being a normal-sized human Jimmy: #customerservice Jimmy: then recommend her our chewy cookies 😂 Janis: You can see why I'm not trying to be your work wifey too, yeah? 😂 Janis: If you can convince any of those girls to break their diet, I'll be impressed Janis: Don't count if they go vom in the bogs after tho Jimmy: Gracie might be on her way already. One of her posse asked what you were getting me for Christmas and I didn't hold back Janis: Oh no, am I about to get slut-shamed? 😲 Janis: Or, heaven forfend, tips Janis: I will die Jimmy: Damn I didn't think of that. Sorry Janis: Its cool Janis: She's all mouth anyway, not in a beneficial to the cause way Janis: Be interesting hearing what she thinks you want, keep ya posted lol Jimmy: 🙌 Can't wait Janis: that's what you're meant to say about my present! Jimmy: I did, swear 🤞 Janis: what do you actually want Jimmy: Don't worry about it Janis: Oh, is it? If I'm not fucking your brains out you're not interested Janis: Fine then, save my reddies. 👍 Jimmy: That's what I was thinking. Stage a break up before 🎄 for max drama and min spends Janis: Cool. If you wanna. Janis: Just don't tell everyone you chucked me 'cos I wouldn't give it up. Already a frigit. Janis: What's the story then? Jimmy: Obviously not. We've been hooking up for ages got to keep it #goals Jimmy: I don't know haven't thought that far ahead it just makes sense to get out before gifting Janis: Yeah. Fair. Janis: Think on and let me know Jimmy: You too. We can brainstorm at the weekend. Nothing but time then Jimmy: Can't break up right after the break though Janis: Would look sus, yeah. Janis: Maybe I'll whup you one too many times, your fragile male ego can't hack it, eh? Jimmy: Grace'd be smug 😩 Jimmy: Can't even fake that, babe Jimmy: Nobody'd believe the story Janis: She's gonna be regardless Janis: I got the shitty end of the stick here like but ain't nowt we can do about it now Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: No we're goals we just burned too bright that's all 😂 Jimmy: You've got way more time served with me than she does any of her boos she doesn't win Janis: Mhmm. Calm down, Icarus. Sure you'll be comparing some other bint on a balcony to the sun in no time. 😘 Janis: Suppose so. Least hers are real, if not short-lived, and, well, shit. Janis: She won't know the difference anyway Jimmy: There's nobody like you 💕 Jimmy: Exactly I'm not going to tell her we weren't real Janis: Bullshit 💕 Janis: True enough, I'll take it. Jimmy: Shit gotta go the boss is back Jimmy: Love you 💕 Janis: Love you too, Jonathon 💕