#literally started reading this because 271 dropped and i was like. literally what's this guy talking about

[ineffable-gallimaufry]

caught up in tiger, tiger. i think arno is the best actually

[falling-stars-and-open-scars]

An Introduction &Mental Clusterf*ck

06/21/20

Hiya Tumblr, how’s it goin? I’ve been meaning to write sooner, but never seem to really get the time/chance to. If you’ve recently started following me, welcome! I’m sorry we had to find each other like this, but it is also nice to know that we’re not alone. 

I suppose I should do a bit of an introduction: (Going to go ahead and put Trigger Warning here out of respect because you never know what might be triggering to someone so best to cover all bases) 

Name: I’ll go by Star, I guess

Age: 31 (I feel a bit like a creep being on this platform as it’s not really aimed at my demographic, but at the same time, I feel like I can relate more to the posts/memes/people here than I can on other platforms)

Location: USA, Central US to be more specific without giving too much away

Conditions/Ailments: Well, this is a bit tricky as I’ve never been truly professionally diagnosed with anything. I have some type of depression (bi-polar II disorder or something similar to that). I have engaged in self injurious behavior from the time I was 13 years old with my most serious occurrence at age 28/29 being ruled as an attempt. Up until October of 2019, I had been clean from SI/SH for a full year -- even with my parents getting an ugly divorce after 30 years of marriage and being placed in the middle of that ugliness. I relapsed because of an argument with my best friend over a guy she was dating at the time, which lead her to say “You don’t care about me!”...when, in therapy, I had to list the reasons why I would/should stay clean.....guess who was my number 1 reason? Yeah, her. So for her to say that I don’t care when my whole reason for not going deeper into the dark rabbit hole that is depression and SI/SH.....yeah, it hurt a lot. But, thankfully, we’ve made up and she’s no longer dating that idiot and I have been clean. Another “condition” I have would be an eating disorder. It’s kinda hard to really put a label on it, but if I had to I would say I have BED and am developing ANA-like behaviors. In the past, like when I was 12-13 years old, I looked into Ana and Mia. I even purged a few times as I got older (16-18 years old), but stopped because I had just gotten braces/gotten braces off/had a surgical procedure done where they break and reset my jaw to fix my overbite [called a Class II Skeletal Malocclusion] and didn’t want the stomach acid to ruin my teeth that I had just spent all this time getting fixed. I have always been about 20 pounds heavier than girls in my age group. If they were 100 pounds, I was 120; if they were 130, I was 150. This went on for some time until my “father” (let’s be real, he’s a sperm donor and nothing more) went to prison for some stupid sh*t that he knew better than to do (he is not mentally well and has a lot of delusions about reality and perspective). Anyway, while he was away, I ballooned up and also got a little bit of PTSD because of police being involved -- for a few years, anytime I heard sirens or saw police lights, I would break down and cry. Since then, I’ve just continued to gain and gain and gain. 

Weight: My hw was 290 around December 27th 2019. I weighed myself yesterday and I am down to 271. My goal is to be at least 200 by the end of the year. I have been restricting (going from originally 1,500 to 1,200 to 1,000 per day), I have fasted (started doing it around January/February but stopped; my fasts were usually only 16-18 hours and I would only have liquids during that time -- water, tea, or zero calorie drinks like Powerade if I was feeling really bad). I know that’s not really enough to claim that I’m Ana, however, I do get anxiety when I eat something and do not know how many calories something has. For example, my friend wanted to get ice cream a few weeks ago and I legitimately wanted to cry in frustration because I couldn’t get an accurate calorie count for the item I wanted and wanted to cancel because I didn’t want to splurge or “ruin any progress” I had made. I count calories a lot with LoseIt and based my day off of “well, were you good and stayed at or below limit or did you go over”/”did you have a good day or were you being bad?”. It gets to a point to where my boyfriend will offer me a sip of regular Coke and I say “No, it has calories”. A literal sip....tiniest bit of ingestion...and I avoid it like the plague. 

Stats: Height = 5 foot 6, Weight = 271 (currently), Body Type = ?I dunno, I used to be kind of an hourglass as a teen so....maybe hourglass?

Struggles: Weight, obviously. I would love to be under 200, I would love to be 160 like my friend and get the compliments that she gets all the f*cking time. The girl can post a picture of her and her dog and everyone is commenting about how beautiful she is....like, guys, it’s not about her, she’s literally trying to show you her dog but all you thirsty b*tches see is her and think that if you compliment her enough times she just might say hello to you. That’s not to say that my friend is not pretty; she is pretty. It’s just the fact that she’s had people falling over themselves trying to compliment her and shower her with attention and for what? Because she simply exists in the size that she is. The same people/friends that we have will comment on how drop dead beautiful she is but will then share a meme fat shaming someone else and I’m like “gee guys, you DO realize that I’m bigger than the girl in the meme that you’re fat shaming so.....you can understand why I feel like you think I’m disgusting, right???” I’ve always been the fat funny friend. I’ve never been attractive to anyone my age, except my boyfriend, and he had even stated early on that I’m “cute” at best...has said that I’m not considered sexy and that if I lost over 100 pounds then I would be able to be a model. My friend has told me if I ever got to her weight, 160 or less, that I would “look sick”. I don’t care if I “look” sick, I DO care about not having to go to a special store JUST to buy clothes. I DO care about not having to worry about what other people think if I have a piece of cake at a birthday celebration or if I have an extra spoonful of potatoes at a family BBQ. I DO care about hearing people talk about my weight behind my back. I DO care about not being able to fit into a bathtub, or movie theater seats, or most chairs without it being a tight fit. I DO care about getting into/out of a car and it not shake from my movement. I DO care about how people judge me by my size. I DO care that I don’t get any compliments. I DO care that I’m not attractive to people my own age, but older men (50s and 60s) dig me. I DO care that I’m only attractive to certain groups of people with a “fat white girl” fetish. I DO care that I am NOT normal. I DO care that, despite being healthy overall, I’m constantly worried that a doctor or nurse will say something about my weight. I care....it may not seem like it....because I’m big....but I do care. 

Goals: Get to 200 by the end of this year. That is my biggest goal. If, for some reason, I do not meet that goal, my secondary goal will be get to 240. As long as I don’t go back up to 290........as long as I keep losing.....I’ll have to take the small victories where I can. I also want to stay clean from SI/SH. It’s been difficult with my parents divorce. It’s been difficult with school/work/trying to balance that out. It’s been difficult because I think I’ve been slipping into a depressive episode recently. I’m tired all the time, don’t sleep well, work like a dog all the time; every instance of self-care (brushing my teeth, taking a shower, shaving, etc.) seems like a chore that I’d rather just ignore. I don’t really want to do anything other than stay in bed and shut out the world. I crave those depression naps/sleeps I used to take when I was younger (wake up, maybe eat something, immediately go to bed, sleep for 3 hours, eat again, sleep for another 3 hours, stay up until it’s time to sleep again; getting almost 10-12 hours of sleep per day). I think I’m starting to slip again, but as long as I resist it, things should be okay. Maybe I’ll bounce back soon.....

Family dinner tonight, BBQ. I’m not counting or restricting today; even though I probably should. I’m not sure how I’ll burn it off. I work tomorrow and, can on average, burn 1,500. But that won’t help me today, will it? It’ll be around 2 or 3pm and probably last until 6pm....which gives me 3 hours to burn it off before a 9pm bedtime (I’m old and need my sleep). Problem is, boyfriend is going to be with me the whole time, so it’s not like I can say “Honey, let’s do Ring Fit for 3 hours!” without throwing red flags up, especially since I can only do Ring Fit for about 20 minutes at a time. I could just take it as a L today and try to work extra hard during the week.....maybe? We’ll see. 

Thanks for stopping by and reading this long a$$ mental clusterf*ck of an introduction! Be good. <3 You are valued and cared for. Please drink some water. <3 Headpats to you! <3 

Until Next Time.....