#literally one of the scariest things ive ever been through

[charbles]

In your AU who is your all time favorite and why?

Anon, I've been thinking about this for hours, I'm NOT joking, This au has been around since 2018, its a very special thing to me, its gotten me personally through ALOT of shit, and its one of Me and Ricks (@galacticaldisaster) first au's/rewrites we've EVER done together, this au short is SO SO important to me which is why its SO HARD just to choose one character, you feel me? On top of that Rick and I try to implement literally EVERYONE into this au, we Cherry-pick from books, we include EVERYONE from AR, there are GENUINELY so many options!

My favorites bounce around alot due to whoever i'm focusing on developing and the likes but i think i've got a solid tie for #1! and ive got reasons for why its a tie :]!

Chris is my favorite out of all of the characters i've written purely because he makes me very sad, I think i did the best job writing him as a character, hes balanced in the sense that hes a heartbreaking character and yet i think he stays child-like in essence, hes got reason for what he does but he goes about it like a 6 year old would, a very scared 6 year old

Which brings me to my second favorite of all of the characters, Richie. Richie is this au's FNAF 3 Phone dude, I havent really talked about Richie too much, besides the mention from last night. But richie will ALWAYS be on top, mostly because he is the very first character i wrote for this au, WAAAYYY back when i was 15, the very first picture i EVER drew of this au was of Richie Scott, Age 17, Threatening to hit someone with a lightning mcqueen Croc. Richie and Phillip's (@galacticaldisaster s phone guy) whole concept came from a game of Garrys Mod where we were being little idiots and beating the shit out of eachother with fnaf character models! I also just think Richies silly :]

Legally i DO have to give you all my favorite of Ricks characters;

You all obviously know springtrap/william, absolute motherfucker, but RICK. RICK HAS THE AUDACITY, THE G A L L to both turn him into the saddest dad you've EVER met, and the scariest and i mean, SCARIEST William ive ever read. seriously, dudes believe me, Rick's writing for his devolve from a dad/ business man to murderous deranged killer is GENUINELY my favorite, I've seen alot of interps of william, and maybe im a bit biased, But Ricks is my favorite.

Now Phillip is in the same vein of Richie, hes the phone guy and was made during a game of Gmod via rambling, but Phils character and story is genuinely very very :[ i love him, he is my favorite white boy, Phillip my beloved little corporate slave turned Man Fuck This Place >:,[ i wont talk about his story too much, but its sad, and i fucking adore him and will kill for him

an honorable mention for ricks, who i will not be sharing pictures of is Jeremy Fitzgerald, because rick is the ONLY person i know who has implemented the fact jeremy carved his fucking face off and also once again? i love him. hes a FUCKER.

HONORABLE MENTIONS BELOW CUT!!

my FAVORITE fucker to draw is malhare.

look at this fucking idiot, i love him, and yet he is ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. HE IS A MENACE. this guy and his bestie in au is ARE ABSOLUTE FREAKS. FUCK UP YOUR LIFE FLAVORED FREAKS!!

annnnndd currently my favorite character to write for is Vanny and the Tape girl (Delilah!) :]

i will not be giving context to this image :]

[slurpingnoise]

got into a car accident with my sister #swag

[dreamersparacosm]

What about Austin xpregnant reader. And she like faints and they find her and take to the hospital and he’s so scared.

can’t live without you - austin butler

note ; not me literally saying i was done with blurbs. might have to turn blurb night into blurb day considering i won’t have a full imagine up by sunday… ANYWAY austin is the cutest baby angel and u know he’s so overprotective about you and your baby (unborn or not) akdjdjdkdjd

warnings ; mentions of blood, angst, pregnancy

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

austin didn’t really have many things in life to be scared of. he had money, he had a secure job, and most importantly, he had you. now, you were the best thing to ever happen to him. well, beside the little seed that was growing inside of you. a token of his love had planted itself inside your womb. you two didn’t want to have kids yet, freshly married, but he got carried away one night and, suddenly, he was about to be a father.

but, he had one thing to be scared of.

and that was losing you.

he had found you sprawled on the bathroom floor, fresh blood clinging to your pants. he was paralyzed with fear, the unthinkable rushing into his brain. he saw your swollen belly moving up and down, and he couldn’t help the relief that washed over him. you were alive, somewhat. but, with shaky hands and tears in his eyes, he called 911. “please, seed. please don’t kill mommy,” he felt guilty for even saying it.

he had called your baby girl ‘seed’ ever since he found out the news. at first, you thought it sounded idiotic. but, you grew to love it, as he grew to love being a father. as his eyes watched paramedics carry you out of your shared apartment, he felt as if he was in a daze. his body trembled, mouth dry as he sat beside you in the ambulance. his hand never let go of yours for a second.

you had finally awoken near the end of the ride, scared and confused. you asked what happened, hoping for some comfort, only to take note of the blood. you looked at austin for answers, but he had none. he always had the answers. yes, you were awake, and yes, you were fine. but, what about seed?

and even now, in your hospital bed, with several iv’s poking into you, austin still couldn’t shake the feeling of sheer panic. he was by your bedside, aimlessly flicking through television channels. “baby, are you alright?” you noticed the dead look in his eyes.

“yeah, yeah, i’m good, my love,” he barely looked at you, giving your hand a squeeze. you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. seed was fine. you were fine. everything was okay. but, in austin’s head, nothing was okay. he had finally experienced the fear of losing you, and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of his life.

he couldn’t let it happen again.

the emotions hit him like a train. before he knew it, sobs wracked his entire body, body shaking with fear. you tried to sit up as much as you could, coaxing him into your hospital bed to lay with you. “baby, i’m okay. we’re okay, i promise,” you kissed the top of his head. “i’m not going anywhere.”

he let a few more cries out, hugging you tight enough to cut off your circulation. “i-i just- i can’t lose you. that was the scariest moment of my life, seeing you lie there, not knowing if you were dead or alive. a-and if i lose you, i’ll never come back from that.”

“i know, baby,” you spoke gently. “i’ll do my best to stay alive if you do too. i can’t live without you either.”

he nodded like a toddler who had just been scolded for eating a chocolate bar. he knew his fears were irrational, and that you were okay. “i love you, [y/n], so much. and i’m gonna keep reminding you everyday.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

keep your ideas coming here!

[milliumizoomi]

heyyy ali for a Tokyo rev request may I please get mikey and draken with a supposedly mean s/o but they're actually really sweet ☺️☺️ + fem!reader. thank you love!!! and take your time 😋😋

𝐌𝐄𝐀𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐓

Pairings: Mikey x Black FEM! Reader, Draken x Black FEM! Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Mild cursing

a/n: xet.. TYSM FOR THIS OMG IVE BEEN WAITING,,,,, ever since i started tokyo revengers my mind has been on brainrot mode ever since😩😩 ,,,,also this is officially my first work for tokyo rev😁

━━ 𝐌.𝐈.𝐊.𝐄.𝐘

↬ firstly, people tend to just assume you’re mean because of your face

↬ you walk around with this stone cold face and usually ignore ppl that tried to talk to you

↬ so ordinarily people just assume you’re really mean

↬ but what they don’t know is that you actually aren’t mean at all

↬ and the only person that knew this from the get go was Mikey

↬ and this little shit loves that fact so much

↬ why?

↬ to put it simply it’s because he’s so fuckin' possessive

↬ he doesn’t want anybody else seeing your real self

↬ like for example, everybody in toman knows your Mikey’s girlfriend

↬ so it’s not out of the ordinary that sometimes you just happen to pull up at their headquarters from time to time

↬ and at one time when you went there, a couple of the members got into an argument about something that was decided in a meeting and started fighting

↬ but draken quickly put a stop to it but they were bruised up pretty bad

↬ so you can imagine the suprised of literally the entire gang when you ran over to them with your multicolored puffs bouncing up and down as you ran

↬ you kneeled down in front of the two gang members with this extremely soft and empathetic expression on your face when you asked them if they needed help

↬ everybody was just looking around like “is??? this??? y/n?????”

↬ they were so confused because you were said to be so mean and even mikey had told them that

↬ so even mikey was a little taken aback at seeing you show your soft side in public

↬ but when i tell you he shut that down real quick

↬ he saw too many people staring a seriously went “get to your motherfuckin' positions!! I don’t remember saying that you could stare!!”

↬ so when i tell you them bitches stood to attention with the quickness

↬ and now all of toman is sworn to secrecy cuz they don’t wanna get on mikey’s bad side

↬ and also mikey has all your kindness to himself

━━ 𝐃.𝐑.𝐀.𝐊.𝐄.𝐍

↬ let me be the first to say your ENTIRE school is scared to death of you

↬ like they saw the same deadpanned expression everyday and just had fear creeping up their spines

↬ and honestly you didn’t even do anything to come off as mean you just have a resting bitch face is all

↬ but apparently your school doesn’t feel the same since they’re all afraid of you

↬ so the surprise they get when you come strolling through the gates with draken waving you off is far beyond astronomical

↬ so im not sure how but people thought y’all were polar opposites

↬ like draken was scary yes put for some reason everybody just thought you weren’t a good match at ALL

↬ but how wrong they were

↬ because in public, y’all look like the two scariest people ever

↬ but in private?

↬ you’re literally so sweet

↬ and all of toman LOVES you

↬ especially chifuyu and the twins

↬ reason being you saved them at one point from another gang attack

↬ but the boys of toman love seeing how people cower in fear at your presence

↬ they find it so funny cuz in reality you couldn’t even hurt a fly if it compelled you to

↬ this little black girl who the only thing that’s scary about her is her face

↬ and draken LOVES getting babied by you in private

↬ pls he’s always all over you

↬ but there’ll be ppl who wanna try and fight you since you look so scary

↬ and we all know he not allowing that shit cuz he knows you ain’t gon fight back unless you real mad

↬ so he shutting that down and dragging your ass outta there

↬ and he’d most likely egg the school on, sayin sumn like “yeah she beat my ass ‘cuz I wasn’t listening to her” then show a nasty looking bruise he got in a fight

↬ and then he’d laugh when he see how scared the people look

↬ pls he’s such a mean bitch

©Property of Miashimaa. Please don’t rectify, repost or modify without my permission. Plagiarism will NOT be tolerated.

Taglist: @develith @uniquabackyardigans @unfazedrose @kiribis-confesion-page @darylthekidd @gm4176 @blackweebtrash @erensbbg @shamwizzy @kloudyisdepressed @namjoonswifeyy @cosmiclvsh @bakuhoes-bxtch @morosis-haze @tetsuminx @dukina (Open ! click here to be added!)

[eddiesfaerie]

Howdy! Could I request “The thought of losing you scares me.” with Flip, please? Maybe Flip gets hurt during one of his assignments? 🙏🏻

@safarigirlsp:  Congratulations!!! You deserve it! Your writing is so good! I loved Mirrorball! I’d like to please request these prompts w Flip. Thank you 💗

Kisses prompts 40 & 50 and “Because I love you, goddamnit!”

thank you both so so much for the requests <3 i combined these two together cause i just felt that it worked well for this angsty situation lol. also i changed the declaration of love a bit to fit more, i hope that's okay!

(1k words): angst, hurt/comfort?, wounded Flip, mentions of injury but not graphic, feeeelings, (40) a gentle kiss that quickly descends into passion, with little regard for what’s going on around them, (50) a kiss, followed by more that trail down the jaw and neck.

You hadn’t been on the list to call in case of emergencies. 

You weren’t the first to find out.

In fact, it felt like literally everyone knew besides you.

You don’t know why you were angry that you hadn’t been contacted sooner, it’s not like the two of you were married. You had only been seeing each other for less than a year at this point. And Ron had called your home number as soon as he could, apparently having gotten it from Flip.

Flip.

He, he was- 

You burst through the doors of the hospital, trying to hold yourself together and prepare yourself to speak his name, to say his name aloud and wonder if he was still attached to it, still holding on.

You’re grateful when you see Ron, realizing you won’t have to muster up the courage you couldn’t possibly fathom right now. He wears a sad expression, squeezing your arm as he leads you down the hallway and into Flip’s room. Your feet feel like lead, weighing you down into the hospital floor. God you wish you didn’t exist right now, you wish none of this was real, you wish you never fucking met him, you wish you never fell in love with a cop, detective, whatever, of all people.

You can hear Ron telling you that Flip is fine as he presses the door open, leading you inside. You can hear him saying it’s a simple gun shot wound. Gun shot. That it missed anything important, he didn’t lose a lot of blood- You wish he had told you that on the phone. Your eyes are blurry, you can’t see much.

You know he’ll be fine, you can hear Ron’s words of comfort but your brain doesn’t comprehend them, can’t process them. All you can see is Flip, eyes closed as he lays in the hospital bed, his left shoulder tightly wrapped with gauze as he lays against the bed, sheets pulled up just passed his belly button.

Ron says something else to you but you don’t hear it, he steps out of the doorway and closes it behind him, leaving you alone with Flip. You find yourself suddenly wishing Ron had stayed in the room. You have no idea how to do this, how to approach this. Could he even hear you if you were to speak his name?

Flip groans, startling you, it sounds like maybe he had said your name but you can’t hear it, the adrenaline pumping through you is too fucking loud. His eyes crack open a bit, and a dumb stupid smile splits his face. You want to wipe it off his face, you want to make him resent how much he fucking scared you, make him-

“Flip.” You sniffle, suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of emotions you hadn’t realized you had been holding back. You collapse into the chair next to his bed, grabbing his big hand in your smaller one, holding it so tightly you would think you were the one in an unimaginable state of pain. 

Flip just continues to smile dopily at you, he was hooked up to some intense pain medication, but you looked like an angel to him, those red eyes, bleary and sparkling, lips red and swollen. You were always such a pretty crier.

“What’s all this for, doll?” He asks, referring to the tears and sniffles. He takes his hand from yours and brings it up to yours face, trailing it along your hot skin, booping you on the nose stupidly. 

“I-, I thought…”

“M’fine. Don’t worry.” Anger flashes across your face. Don’t worry?

“I worry all the time, Flip. Don’t tell me not to worry, I fucking-” You’re cut off by your own sobs wracking through your torso, sending your head into his hand which rests on the bed. You bury your face in his cool palm, so drowned in whatever emotion was suddenly consuming you. You press small kisses all along his hand, nibbling on his fingers as you try to calm your mind and breathe. 

You hadn’t planned on being so dramatic. But seeing him like this, so weak, bandaged up, wounded. You were confronted with feelings that you had never said aloud to one another in all your time together. 

You had never told him that you loved him. 

And you were suddenly aware of the fact that you might have never gotten the chance. You take a deep breath, bringing your face out of his palm to look into his eyes, rimmed dark with purple shadows. He looked so tired. 

“The thought of… of losing you-” You hiccup, then take another deep breath, and start over again. “The thought of losing you scares me, Flip. It’s the scariest thing I could ever imagine.”

Flip brings his hand up to rest on your cheek, thumb brushing against your cheekbone. He gently pulls you closer to him, his touch lifting you out of your seat so that you can lean over him and press your forehead against his own.

“Hey,” Flip coos, his voice so low, rumbling and soothing, “they’re gonna have to try a lot harder than that if they plan on taking me away from you.” His nose nudges your own and you laugh sadly at his words, sniffling again. Flip chuckles too. 

You press your lips to the side of his mouth, letting it trail around his face, along his jawline, down his neck. You breathe him in, you can smell blood and gunpowder, sweat and maybe some tears too. It sends chills along your spine and down to your core. Flip was strong, you knew that. It would take much more than this to bring him down. You would just have to accept that.

“Flip, I-” You say into his neck, trying to force the words out of you. Your lips brush along his soft skin and the stubble of his short beard.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” You whisper, pressing more tender kisses to his neck, nibbling too. Flip’s hand finds the juncture of your neck and jaw, clasping it firmly and bringing your face back up to his, nose pressed together, his breath suddenly heavier.

“Say that again.”

“I love you, Flip. I love you so fucking mu-” Flip cuts you off with his mouth enveloping yours, giving you as much as you were giving him, starting off gentle but your need and love for him quickly overpowering your innocent words. Your tongues quickly find each other and dance around your mouths. Hot and heavy, you can’t help but whimper into his mouth, letting your body mold into his as best as you could with him injured like this and laying on the hospital bed. 

Your hand rests on his un-bandaged shoulder, squeezing the firm muscle into your palm, encouraging that hand placed around your neck to give you teasing little squeezes every now and then, only weakening you further. 

“I love you, I love you too.” He says into your mouth, in between kisses. You can’t help the few tears that slowly trail down your cheeks, hot rivers burning your skin. Flip kisses them away, only he could soothe you.

So wrapped up in each other, neither of you had noticed what few nurses had entered his room with flushing cheeks and avoidant eyes, checking Flip’s levels and IV drips all the while letting you two to continue embracing each other. 

[nonagesiimus]

literally all the horror questions

LMFAOOO thanks matt

Halloween: Favorite horror movie of all time?

SCREAM i think billy and stu are so fun

Scream: What horror movie do you think you’d be able to survive in?

i do not! maybe jennifers body since shes mostly just killing teenage boys and i am not a teenage boy. like i think it would have to be a situation where i am just not on the killers radar bc honestly? honestly? im not fucking like, outwitting michael or some shit

Child’s Play: How and when did you get into horror movies?

okay i was a weirdly nervous kid and was too scared to do anything that might make me get scared, like i would leave school early on the halloween party days bc i didnt like all the masks, so i avoided horror for a really long time, but for some reason when i was like sixteen i REALLY wanted to watch hannibal so i got the dvd from my library and was then obsessed

The Witch: Scariest horror movie you’ve ever seen?

probably the blair witch project. i dont normally get like actual physical anxiety when i watch horror but this movie made me feel tense as fuck. the original reason i wanted to watch it was that i was reading one of stephen kings books about writing/horror and he mentioned in it that the first time he tried to watch it he had to ask his son to turn it off like halfway through bc it was freaking him out too bad and i was like omg. i have to know what goes on in the movie that fucked up stephen king

Poltergeist: What are some horror movies on your watch list?

carrie (forgot to watch it after i finished the book back in march), some of the other saw movies now that the first one has me fucked up, the other texas chainsaw massacres, the exorcist (which i should also read at some point), and whatever those fucking like classic zombie movies are that im blanking on the names of rn

Friday the 13th: Least favorite horror movie?

nightmare on elm street was bad! tbh i thought freddy sucked shit before i even watched it but like. hes really just a pathetic little man isnt he. i dont care about any of the people in that movie. wes craven you did scream so good how did you fuck this one up

Psycho: When was the last time you watched a horror movie?

literally last night when i watched saw for the first time which FUCKED by the way i would literally watch saw again right now. this is an adam stanheight account from now on

Rosemary’s Baby: Favorite sub-genre of horror?

i mean. slashers. obviously. they take up a lot of my blog i think. but thats really just for movies like, horror books that try to read like slashers tend to be Not Good, so i guess my favorite sub genre for books is whatever tf the shining had going on. haunted house shit. CONCEPTUALLY ive been obsessed with spatial horror lately but im just obsessed in a Thinking About Things sort of way and not so much in a consuming things sort of way

The Exorcist: If you were able to make your own horror movie villain, what would you call them + what would they be like?

oh good fucking question a while ago @thegrandmarsh and i were sort of generally talking about a couple slasher ocs that i forgot to do anything with bc i am bad at maintaining ocs. i dont know how people do it. but generally speaking when i try to do slasher ocs i come up with these traits: they are a little shit, they live someplace very cold, they either already have a partner or try to convince someone to become their partner, and they have some kind of proclivity for stalking. they're also USUALLY a white boy because white boys just love serial killing. they have the entitlement necessary. god i saw someone on tik tok the other day draw their slasher oc and i really should have saved the video

Frankenstein: What’s an underrated horror movie, in your opinion?

RED DRAGON i like red dragon so much more than silence of the lambs. like i think silence is a good movie if we all agree to ignore the transphobia for two hours or whatever but like. i care so much more about dolarhyde than i do about buffalo bill, like, fundamentally. its not even that i think hes a more interesting villain (i do) but like i CARE about him as a PERSON. i get it we all subscribe to the hugh dancy will graham school of thought now but i promise if we can all just accept this blonde will then we can have so much fun with this movie. francis eats a painting. okay

A Nightmare on Elm Street: Favorite horror franchise?

HALLOWEEN i literally like. okay honestly i think TWO of the halloween movies are worthwhile and the rest are like. i simply do not need these, but i give the little ted talk i have in my head about what i think are the Five Michael Canons like every time im bored pacing around my room so its definitely the franchise that i think about the most. and i love michael so much

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 91

Warnings: mentions of depression, anxiety, PTSD,  past suicide attempt (very brief mention)

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007, @tragiclyhip

Tyler drifts off with Addie on his chest. Lulled to sleep by the feathery weight of her tiny body;  the warmth that radiates from it and how it slowly and rhythmically rises and falls against him. Relaxed by the sound of each soft breath and the occasional murmur and sigh, the way those impossibly small hands tightly fist the fabric of his hospital gown and the familiar scent that clings to her clothes. It had felt good to inject some sense of normalcy into the uncertainty of his current situation. Able to cuddle her and shower her with kisses and run his fingers through her hair; marvelling at how fast it’s growing and how thick  and even darker it’s becoming. The withdrawal induced trembling in his hands has begun to dissipate, giving him the opportunity to feed her a bottle and even master changing her diaper while  lying on one thigh and using only his left hand. And her mere presence has lessened the profound homesickness and how desperately he misses his other children; being able to see her smile and hear her babbling and having all those tiny fingers curl around one of his. It had lifted his spirits and ease some of fears and worries surrounding the safety and security of his family;  knowing and seeing with his two eyes that she’s alive and thriving  despite all of the threats and the close call in Anil’s house.  Every second spent with her only  fuelling his desire to get home; feeding that determination to get his feet back under him, figuratively AND literally.  

He hates the feeling of helplessness; being dependent on others and constantly worrying that he’s a burden.  Being stripped of the ability to even do the simplest of things for yourself is a blow to the ego; mundane tasks like feeding yourself and brushing your teeth and being able to get to the bathroom on your own.  Things that people often overlook and take for granted; washing your own hair and holding a knife and fork and being able to actually get out of bed and not be relegated to staring at the same four walls for hours on end. He can’t watch tv; even the simplest and stupidest of story lines too difficult for his brain to comprehend. Reading a book is out of the question when you can’t remember what happened only a page ago. Even conversations are difficult to maintain and follow; forgetting things easily, asking the same questions over and over again, then becoming frustrated and lashing out when he can’t retain the information.  He often feels as if he’s a prisoner in his own body; trapped in bed in the same damn position, unable to move because of an IV and med line inserted into his chest and his right leg held captive by a metal ‘cage’.  

Nothing is worse than not being able to feel your legs; rendered immobile  and harboring the fear that a temporary issue will turn out to be a permanent one.   The panic sets in every time he wakes up and CAN’T feel anything from the waist down; moments before the disorientation and confusion lift and he can’t recall where he is, how he got there, or the dozens of times he’s been told about his injuries.  It is near crippling; that terror before full comprehension when he realizes he can’t feel his legs; not even the smallest of movements even though his brain is screaming at them to budge. And it’s frustrating; not being in full control of even the simplest of things; when and how long he sleeps, what he can eat, how much meds are being pumped into his system. He’s used to being a man of action; unable to sit still for more a few minutes at a time.

The thought of no longer being  ‘that guy’ haunts him; that fear and worry -that he won’t be able to return to the life he remembered and enjoy it to the fullest- making him feel physically ill.  Not the job side of things; he’d be more than happy to spend the rest of his time in the game running things behind the scenes and no longer getting his hands dirty. But it’s the OTHER side. The dad that is hands on and ‘stands up’.  Playing and rough housing with his kids; taking them swimming and surfing and  hiking  in the woods and on camping and fishing trips.  He wants to still be able to coach their soccer and lacrosse games and help Millie with her martial arts sparring.  And one day, far down the road, he wants to be able to walk both her and Addie down the aisle; tears in his eyes as he gives them away to their future husbands and watches them start their new lives.  It’s the scariest thing of all; not being even half the man he used to be.  He can live with the mental health issues and the chronic pain; he’s been functioning that way for years. But not being able to be an active participant in his children’s lives? It’s a heartbreaking thing to consider.

But having Addie with him has helped to squash some of that fear. At least temporarily.  Her presence serving as the motivation he needs to fight harder than he’s ever fought before. He has people relying on him. Counting on him to be both provider and protector, and he  refuses to let them down. He’s done it too many times before; made promises he never kept, said things and then done the complete opposite. This time he needs to make permanent changes; no longer improving things and keeping them that way for a couple of years and then falling back into hold habits and expecting his wife to stick around. He’s taken advantage of that more than once; her willingness to stay and work on things despite threatening to walk away.  He doesn’t want to be that guy any more; the one that takes someone’s love, trust, and faith in him  and uses it against them. He’s not proud of it; knowing exactly what her fears and worries are and then using them to get his own way.  But he’s never done it maliciously; never with the intent to control her or manipulate or hurt her.  It had been the last ditch efforts of a desperate man; afraid of losing the love of his life and having his family torn apart, yet unsure of how to exactly change and fix himself.

And then  there’s the irrational side of him; the dark and torturous part of his brain that likes to torment him.  Telling him that this will be the deal  clincher. Not his weakness for booze and prescription painkillers and his recurring slides back into dependency, but the absolute mess his body is in.  That IF he can never use his legs again and he’s reduced to being half the man he was -and she fell in love with- that she’ll leave. Not because she doesn’t love him; he doesn’t question or doubt that and never has. But it will be too much on her already overflowing plate; a woman that has to not only take care of five little ones and carry a sixth, but would have to be his caretaker as well.  He wouldn’t be able to help her out in the same way he does now; his physical challenges preventing him from being the husband and father that he was before. His mind screams at him that he’d be a burden; that one day she’d look at him and he wouldn’t see love and adoration in her eyes, but pity.  And he simply couldn’t handle that; her looking at him as if he’s completely broken and damaged.  

Since the weaning off of the sedation had begun, the dreams have returned.   Not quite nightmares, but only a few shades shy.  As his brain  becomes more lucid and the haziness and confusion start to lift, he’s left with jumbled pieces of a very vivid puzzle; sights and sound even smells from inside the storage facility.  In the initial wakeful moments, he couldn’t remember anything past taking a shot  in the back. The way the sound echoed through the locker  and the bullet slammed into him; the initial shock of his body being pitched forward and his legs collapsing under him and then hitting the floor.  Nothing after that.  No recollection of how he’d come to have a broken nose and lines of stitches over and under his right eye and a badly busted femur.  Things are clearer now; coming more into focus as the powerful meds make their way out of his system.  Little snippets of events; Nathan kneeling on his back; the feel of sharp bone being pressed into the fresh bullet wound and the brief loss of feeling in his legs.  Fingers being shoved into the hole; as deep as possible. The glint of a knife blade and that initial pinch of the tip pressed against his skin; the agony...the burning...of  it being dragged -bone deep- from under his eye to his temple.   A cell phone; recording every second of his time in that locker. Every indignity, every torturous moment.  Nathan fully intending to send Esme the footage; a little ‘entertainment’ before she met her own demise.

There isn’t much beyond that. At least not images he fully trusts. A failed escape attempt, vile and horrific threats specifically targeting his wife and daughters, a pair of dirty combat boots,  a gunshot. He isn’t sure what’s legit; if the snapshots he’s seeing are real or if they’re nothing more than events made up by a weary and troubled mind.  But he can smell it; the putrid, nauseating mixture of old sweat, urine, and feces that had clung to that dirty mattress. And the taste; the salt of his own perspiration and that metallic tinge of blood.

It’s a loud bang in the hallway that startles him awake. The usual confusion and disorientation replaced by hyper-vigilance; not fully aware of his surroundings, but assessing the presence of possible threat, and somehow knowing that he has people to protect. His hand immediately goes to his hip; reaching for a gun nestled inside its holster. Instead his fingers find nothing but cool, crisp sheets and smooth, cold metal of the ‘cage’ that encases his thigh. Anxiety begins to take hold now; not of potential danger lurking beyond the closed door but of his surroundings.  The stark white walls and the distinct smell of antiseptic and clean solution. The IV pole and patient monitor parked next to the bed; mattress impossibly firm against and below him and metal railings keeping him safely confined. The pinch and sting in the left side of his chest; discomfort from both the told holding down the tubing and the needle of the central line itself.  

A hospital.

I’m in a fucking hospital.

The realization brings both panic and terror. Both of his lungs and his throat constrict; chest tightening painfully as sweat beads across his forehead and gatherers at his temples and the nape of his neck. There’s no one to fight so his brain chooses flight; attempting to kick off the blankets in hopes of escaping. Only nothing happens; not a wriggle in his toes or a twitch in the soles of his feet or even the simple flex of a calf or thigh muscle. Legs numb and lifeless yet somehow feeling impossibly heavy at the same time. And useless. Completely fucking useless. And the nauseous and light-headedness hit; unable to remember any of the dozens of times he’d been told about his legs. He questions what’s happening. If it’s temporary or permanent.  Trying to rack his brain for some sort of explanation but finding nothing but muddled thoughts and worst fears and sheer dread.  Remembering those threats made against his family; torturous, inhumane things that would be done to them before their deaths.

Are they? Dead? Is he the only one in his entire family that managed to survive? Is someone going to come in and deliver the news? A grim faced Nik or Anil? Maybe a sorrowful Koen and a frazzled Rata? Who would get the short straw and be relegated to telling him the cold, hard truth; that everyone he loves...everyone who had loved HIM...is  gone. The tears come; bitter and hot. Loud, angry and sorrowful sobs of devastation.  The kind of grief that robs you of your sanity and rocks you to your very soul.

It’s Addie that snaps him out of  it.  Initially startled by the jolt he’d given upon waking and then further troubled by the violent trembling of his body and the severity of his sobs.  Her shrill cries managing to pierce through the panic; helping to bring him clarity and a sense of balance. As quick as it had come on, it dissipates. Hearing her wails and feeling her body wriggling against him  successfully grounding him.   And he briefly closes his eyes; sucking air through aching lungs and releasing it slowly and shakily.  Waiting until the tremors stop and the tears cease to fall before looking down at his daughter.

“It’s okay,” he assures her, and uses both hands to move her further up his chest; wincing at the pain that takes hold in his right shoulder. And he quickly checks her body; those tiny arms and legs, terrified that he’ll find scratches or bruises on her. Worried that  in the midst of his panic and confusion, he had hurt her; tightening his grip enough to cause her both pain and fear.  “I’m sorry, little peanut. I didn’t mean to scare  you.”  He presses a kiss to her forehead, then places a hand on the back of her head and  rests his nose against his brow. “I’m so sorry. Daddy is so fucking sorry.”

“What’s going on?”  Esme asks, voice sleepy as she raises her head from the arm of the small pullout.   She’d been the first to sleep; one moment talking to him as he fed Addie, then out like a light the next. Succumbing to the exhaustion brought on by her own stress and worry.  “What’s wrong with Addie? Is she okay?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I think so. I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Do what?” She pushes her hands through hair; securing it in a ponytail with the elastic tie around her wrist. “What happened?”

“I scared her. By accident. I didn’t mean it.”

Fuck. The tears come again; a mixture of guilt, frustration, and anger. So much animosity and disgust.  At Nathan  for causing as much damage as he did;  rendering his body utterly useless and turning his own brain against him.  At himself for turning his back on the situation; ignoring all the warning signs and red flags and Koen’s insistence at leaving the former Marine behind. Had he NOT taken the phone call and allowed himself to be distracted, he never would have taken his eyes off of things and Nathan wouldn’t have been able to get the upper hand.  He would have been able to outsmart AND overpower; his skills and sheer strength and his years on the job far exceeding those of the younger man.   HAD he kept his head in the game, he wouldn’t be where he is now; body torn to shit, no feeling in his legs, pissing out of tube, unable to even feed himself.

And THAT makes him even angrier. For even thinking that way about her.  The one person that has stood by him through thick and thin over the course of the last seven years. Who’d exchanged her old life for a new one with him; never returning home after Dhaka and sticking by his side during his hospital stay and through the months of gruelling and painful rehab. Who’d never abandoned him during his weaker moments; the times he slipped back into old habits and relied on booze and pain meds to cope with his issues.  Who had saved his life and given him a second chance; giving him five beautiful children and a life that he never thought was possible.  

She climbs off the couch, shoving her feet into a pair of flip flops and then journeying towards him. “What’s going?

“It just happened.  I didn’t mean it.”  It sounds annoying even to his own ears; the almost whiny, pitiful tone to his voice.

“Hey...stop…”  She runs a hand through his hair and presses a kiss to his cheek.  Her voice never changes, always gentle and patient. Loving. And while he appreciates it, he also loathes that hint of condescension; that tiny nuance in her tone -or so he thinks- that sneaks through. The one that says she sees him as weak and  pathetic. That he needs to be coddled and babied.  “You don’t need to get upset. I’m sure she’s fine.  I don’t know what happened, but…”

“No. You DON’T now.”

“Just calm down, okay? You’re drenched in sweat and you’re shaking and you’re pale.  You just need to…”

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that,” he snarls.

“Like what? How am I talking to you? I’m worried about you. I’m not…”

“Like THAT. That fucking tone. Don’t do it. Don’t use that fucking tone with me.”

“I don’t have a tone, Tyler.  I’m just…”

“I know you want to help, but talking to me like that...treating me like THIS...it’s not helping. AT all.”

“Okay, I don't know what happened or why you’re reading into everything I’m saying or  why you’re so worked up and taking it out on me, but…”

“If you never called, this wouldn’t have happened.”

She blinks. “What?”

“If you hadn't called while I was there, I wouldn’t have turned my back on him. I would have had my head in the game and I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be home. With my kids.”

She sighs heavily, shoulders and jaw tensing.  “You’re blaming me for this?”

“I turned my back on him. To talk to you. If I never did that…”

“I didn’t know you were with him. I didn’t know how far into things you were. I was hoping that I’d get a hold of you before you found him. I was trying to help.”

“Thanks for that,” he scoffs. “Look what your help did. Look where I am. Look at how fucked up things. Look at ME. I can’t even feel my fucking legs.  I’m stuck here; in this goddamn bed. In Dhaka. My kids are thousands of miles away! That’s how much you helped.”

He regrets it the moment it comes out of his mouth.  The impact his words have on her is immediate;  the way she recoils backwards as if physically struck, how she scrapes her top teeth over her bottom lip, the tears that fill her eyes.   It isn’t the first time he’s hurt her. And he knows it won’t be the last. It’s who he is; the guy that destroys everything around him and either pushes away the people that love him, or abandons them altogether.

“You think this is my fault? You think I caused this? That I’m the reason this happened to you? Is that what you honestly think?”

“If I hadn’t answered, he wouldn’t have gotten the upper hand. If I’d been focused and…”

“You ARE blaming me. You really are, aren’t you.”

“I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying…”

“Oh, I know what you’re saying. And what you’re saying IS blame. You think it’s my fault that you’re here; messed up and laying in a hospital bed. I’m the one to blame for all of this.”

“If you hadn’t called…”

“You know what? Fuck you, Tyler. I know this is a shitty fucking time right now. I know you’re in pain and you’re scared and you’re angry and you’re worried. I get it. I do. Because I’m the one that’s here with you. I’m the one that sees what you’re going through. But I’m going through this too! Not just you. I’m the one that has to watch the person I love for more than anything in the world go through all of this bullshit. I’m thousands of miles away from my kids, too. You think I want to be there? You think I want you to suffer like this? You think this is a fucking picnic for me? Fuck you for blaming me. For even thinking that about me.”

“And you tell me to calm down?”

Her eyes narrow. “Give me the baby.”

“She’s fine. She’s starting to calm. She’s…”

“I said give her to me!” Esme snaps, and then scoops Addie from his arms. The baby’s cries lessening as both face and tiny hands begin their search for the breast; pulling and nuzzling at her shirt. “Okay little miss…” her voice is gentler and quieter, and she presses a kiss to her daughter’s forehead as her fingers tend to the buttons on her shirt. “Be patient, my love. It’s coming, I promise. I’m sorry it’s not instantaneous.”

“She shouldn’t be hungry,” Tyler comments. “I just fed her a couple of hours ago.”

“She’s not after a regular feed. She’s after a comfort feed. It’s what she does when she gets worked up over something. It’s her new thing. I think I know what I’m doing; I’m her mother.”

“See, I didn’t realize that. That you are. I thought she just magically showed up on the doorstep one day.”

Esme’s eyes narrow. “Don’t be a dick.”    

She drops heavily onto the couch and lays Addie against her chest; the infant immediately latching on, cries turning into  tiny whimpers and soft sniffles,  then content murmurs.  He watches them out of the corner of his eye. Mother and daughter with their matching  colour and texture of hair and the exact same profiles; those cute little noses with the freckles across the bridge, the smooth curve to their chins, the long, dark eyelashes.  Noticing the way the  fingers of one of Addie’s hands curl around Esme’s necklace, the others pulling and twisting at the edges of her shirt.  And how gentle and loving his wife is; a palm running over their baby girl’s hair as she talks to her about all the pretty bows and clips she’s going to be able to wear soon, a soft smile curving her lips.

It’s a beautiful smile.

SHE’S beautiful.

*****

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” she keeps her tone quiet and soothing, eyes never leaving the baby. “Sometimes sorry isn’t enough.”

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“You’re not usually the type that says things he doesn’t mean. You’ve never been that way.  You always say what you mean.”

“Not that time. I don’t blame you. I know it’s not your fault.”

“It doesn’t matter if you meant it or not. You said it. And it hurt. It hurt a hell of a lot.”

“And I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I never meant to say it. You’re right; I am scared and worried and angry and I do miss my kids. And I snapped and I lashed out and you just happened to be the person here when I did.”

“Funny how I always seem to be the one that is here when you do. Guess I’m your favorite target to take your shit out on.”

“You know that’s not true. You know I never mean it; the shit I say when I lose it.”

“Well it still hurt. And you can live with that for a while. You don’t think I hate this? That we’re stuck here? That you’re laid up like this? That this all happened in the first place? You don’t think I’d rather be home? With you and the kids? I don’t want ANY of this. I don’t want you pain, I don’t want you going through months of therapy. That’s the last thing I want.”

“I know.”

“I already blame myself. I don’t need you doing it too.”

Tyler frowns. “Why would you blame yourself? Why…?”

“I didn’t know that first letter...the one supposedly from the Corps...was a fake. And I should have been able to tell when I looked; I should've known it wasn’t real.  And I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. There was no way you could have known that it was all bullshit.”

“I feel like I should have known. That I should have been able to look at it and tell it was fake. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it. Because if I had, I wouldn’t have sent you out there.”

“You didn’t send me anywhere. I went out there willingly. You had nothing to do with that. And I don’t blame you for what happened. I don’t even know why I said the shit I did. Because it’s not what I think OR how I feel.”

“It still hurt.”

“I fucked up. And I’m sorry. I hate myself for saying it. For letting all this get to me; for taking it out on you. I would never hurt you. Intentionally. You know that, right? Please tell me you know that.”

“I do. I DO know that. I know that you’re not thinking right. That all the meds and the stress and the worry are messing you up and that your brain does it’s own thing when it’s going through shit like this. But you still hurt me Tyler. Whether you meant to or not.”

“I know I did. And I’ll apologize a million times if I have to. I love you; you know I do.”

“I love you too. But right now? Right now I don’t like you very much. And I have that right. To be pissed with you.”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “You do.”

“I don’t even know what caused all of this; what happened with Addie. Why did she wake up crying like that? What…?”

“Things are starting to come back. About that day. In the storage place. Before I could only remember up to a certain point. But now it’s all coming to me. It’s all mixed up and out of  order, but IS coming back. Just like you said it would.”

Sighing heavily, she glances down at Addie and presses a kiss to the tip of her nose.

“It’s going to get ugly. Really ugly. And I don’t want it going too far. I don’t want there to be a third time; where I put a gun in my mouth. Because that’ll be the time where I DO go through with it. And that’s not what I want. I don’t want to leave you and the kids. That’s the last thing I want.”

“What do you want me to do? IS there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know,” Tyler admits.  “I really don’t.  But I know I need help. Before it goes too far.”

“I can talk to Julie. She might have ideas or know someone can reach out to. We’re in a hospital. There has to be people here you can talk to.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone. I talk to you.”

“You need someone other than me. Someone who does this sort of thing. A professional. “

He scowls. “I don’t want to talk to a fucking shrink.”

“Well you need one. You need someone that knows about PTSD and depression and knows ways to help you. I can only do so much, Tyler. And I’m tired. I love you. With everything I am and everything I have. But I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. And I’ve got a baby inside of me that I’m trying to keep alive and Addie’s here, but I’ve got four little kids thousands of miles away that I miss and I’m worried about. I don’t have much more to give.”

He sighs heavily, eyes downcast as his fingers fidget with loose strands of threads on the bottom of his hospital gown.  

“Do you want me to go home?” Esme asks. “To the kids?”

“That’s the last thing  I want. You leaving. And maybe that makes me selfish as fuck, I dunno. Maybe I’m an asshole for keeping you from them and making you feel obligated to be here.”

“I don’t stay because I feel obligated. I stay because I love you. The same reason I stayed seven years ago. Only a billion times more intense.”  

He nods slowly, considering her words.

“I’ve never felt obligated. I’ve never felt guilted. Not seven years ago, not now, not anytime between. I’m here because I love you  and I don’t want you to be alone. And you would do the exact same thing for me. I know you would. So don’t ever question why I stay. Why I stick it out through the things I do.  You should already know the answer.”

“I don’t want you to leave.  And I know it’s probably better if you DID...for you and the kids...but I don’t want you to.”

“Then I’ll stay.  We  know they’re safe and we know they’re being taken care of.  And if things keep going the way they are now, you’ll be getting sent home soon. And that’ll make everything easier on all of us.  But right now we need to concentrate on what’s going on here. You said you remembered things. Is that what happened? With Addie?”

He nods.

“More than what you remembered before?”

“There’s a few new things. It was a dream. I think. Or maybe I was awake and I was just reliving it in my head. I honestly don’t know. But I was back there. With him. And Addie was sleeping on me and there was a loud noise and I freaked out; thought it was a threat and that I had to protect you and her. And then things started clearing up and I realized where I was and I just lost it. I didn’t even remember her being with me. I thought you were dead.  I thought ALL of you were dead.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I’m sorry you’re going through this. That your brain is doing this to you.”

“I don’t know if I scared her or the noise in the hall did,  but she was crying and it snapped me out of.  And if it WAS  me?   I didn’t mean to do it. I’d never hurt her.”

“I know you wouldn’t. And so does she. Look at her; she’s already looking for you and listening to your voice.”

He glances over, a smile tugging the corners of the mouth when he finds Addie intently watching him out of the corner of her eye. One of her hands abandoning their tugging of her mother’s necklace in favour of reaching for him; head turning completely towards him, a smile of her own spreading from ear to ear.

“That was definitely a comfort feed, wasn’t it little miss?”  Esme pulls her shirt closed across her body and stands up.  “You want to go back and see daddy, don’t you. Traitor.”

“I don’t want her to be  scared of me. I don’t…”

“She’s not scared of you in the slightest,” Esme assures him, and returns the baby to his chest. “Even IF you did startle her, she’s obviously forgiven you. You’re her daddy. How could she not? She knows you didn’t mean it.”

“I would never...ever...hurt her. Any of them.”

“I know.”  She pushes a hand through his hair and drops a kiss on the top of his head. “Are you okay? You’re still shaking a bit. Want me to see if they’ll give you something lightweight? Calm your nerves but not knock you out?”

“I don’t want to take any more meds. I’m already taking enough.”

“They’re all things you need. Adding something to  keep you calm or to balance your moods out won’t hurt.”

“I don’t want anything else. Enough. I don’t want anymore shit put in me. I just want to get the fuck out here.”

“And you will. I know it seems like it’s never going to happen, but look how far you’ve come in just a week. No more sedation after tonight, no more nerve blocks. Once you feel your legs again, you can even start therapy. It won’t be much at first, but it’ll be something, right?”

“Honestly, I just want to be able to take a leak. In a toilet.”

“See! You have that to look forward to, too. After you get the feeling back in your legs, things will start going back to normal.”

“I just want to go home.” He feels the sting of tears again; that loneliness that eats at him whenever he thinks of those four remaining little ones anxiously awaiting his return.  “Just get the fuck out of Dhaka and never think of it again.”

It’s the worst it’s ever been; the homesickness. Every time he’s away he feels it; those little pangs that come with missing the ones you love but knowing you’ll be reunited with them very soon.  The hurt is profound; the uncertainty of when he'll actually be able to see them again. Hold them in his arms and kiss them and hear their voices and their giggles.  He hasn’t even been able to bring himself to contact them; knowing he’d never be able to keep his emotions in check during a video chat or telephone call. And they keep asking; wondering when he’s going to feel well enough to see them and talk to them. Knowing full well that he’d never just up and abandon them.

“Soon,” Esme assures him, as she perches on the edge of the bed and drapes an arm across his shoulders. “I promise it’ll be soon. You’re doing so well. A week ago, I was showing up here and I didn’t know if you’d make it out of surgery, not alone get up to a ward. And I’m proud of you. You never give up. And thanks for totally proving that neurologist wrong. The one who said not to expect much from you. I could have killed that guy.”

“You should have.”

“I wanted to, believe me. He doesn’t know you. Not like I do. I knew you were going to fight like hell to get back to us. Feels good, right? Shoving it in his face.”

He manages a small grin. “Feels damn good, actually.”

“I’ll never complain about how stubborn you are ever again.  Because it is certainly paying off. See…”  she runs her fingers through Addie’s hair. “....she DOES have your smile. Eye crinkles and everything.  They all have it.”

“Maybe. But she looks just like her momma though. Which is a good thing. A very good thing.”

“I figured eventually one would. I wonder what number six is going to look like.”

“We need to find out more about number six. Like when number six is actually supposed to arrive. I feel like that’s something we should probably know.”

“Three days and we find out. Are you excited? Or after the first five are you just so over the process that you don’t give a shit anymore?”

“How can I not be excited? We made a human being together. That’s pretty awesome.”

“And we’ve somehow managed to do it SIX times.”

“Those five  times we had sex were great,” he teases.  

“Day we made the twins must have been extra great. Two in one shot! Extra great or you were extra lucky. I’m going with the latter; I’m pretty sure it happened on your birthday.”

“If that WAS when it happened, it was extra great.  By the way, I heard what you said the other day. About thinking it’s more than one. You really do? Think that?”

“I don’t know.  Something feels...different.”

“Different bad or…?”

“Not bad.  Just different. And not just because this…”  she lays a hand on either side of her ever growing bump. “...is this big already.  I just feel different. I can’t explain it. I just know how I feel.”

“But it’s not bad, right? Like your body’s not telling you there’s something wrong or…?”

“There’s nothing wrong.  It’s just different. I don’t feel like I did when I was having Millie or Declan or Addie. I sort of feel like I did when I was having the twins but not quite.”

“What if it’s more than two?”

“You’re good, but you’re not THAT good.  Our track record is one or two. I don’t think we’re destined for three. Or four.”

“Four? What the fuck?”

“That happens? I will be the first to admit you have super sperm.”

“That better not happen or I’ll cut my own balls off.”

“I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about,” she ruffles his hair. “I think your balls are safe. You know what else I was thinking?”

“I’m almost scared to ask.”

“A water birth.”  

He arches both brows.

“What’s that look for?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“We’ve talked about it before.  It’s been an option a couple of times.”

“Yeah, but that’s all it’s been. An option.”

She grins. “It freaks you out, doesn’t it.”

“Just a bit.”

“If I can give birth to Declan naturally on my own living room floor, I think I can give birth in the water.”

“I know you can handle it. It’s not you I’m worried about.”

“You managed to deliver your son without passing out and you never even came close to fainting with Addie.”

“I HAD to stay conscious for Declan or else you were doing all the work yourself and you were only in labour with Addie for half an hour. I didn’t have time to get freaked out.”

“You were the easiest,” Esme addresses the baby.  “Like ten minutes of pushing and that was it. Your sister was the worst. Thirty six hours.  From start to finish. I said never again.”

“Mommy lied.”

“Daddy talks a good game and he convinced her to try for one more. Only we ended up with two.”

“And then daddy said no more and mommy talked him into  going for number four. Because your mom has powers.  And she uses them to get what she wants.”

“Don’t listen to him, Addie. He’s very persuasive. It was all him. I know he looks all tough and mean, but he’s a sweet talker. Especially when he’s in the right mood.”

He frowns and cups his hands over Addie’s ears. “That’s dirty talk, not sweet talk. Don’t teach her those things.”

“You know very well that you can be a sweet talker. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us. You don’t have a reputation to uphold when it’s just the three of us.”

He removes his hands from Addie’s ears. “With you? Your mom totally seduced me.”

“You lie!” Esme laughs, and playfully -and gently- nudges him in the ribs with her elbow. “That is NOT how it happened at all. If anyone was doing the seducing, it was you. I am totally innocent.”

“There hasn’t been anything innocent about you in years.”

"Because YOU corrupted me. Three days after we met, you seduced me with your pretty blue eyes and your big hands and crazy muscles. “

He grins. “And my butt.”

“Yes. We can’t forget that butt.”  She presses a kiss to his ear, then closes her eyes as she rests the side of her head against his. Neither speak for several minutes; the only sounds the light hum of the morphine pump and Addie’s soft babbling and cooing.

“You’re chatty,”  Tyler breaks the silence. “Like your momma.”

“She has a lot to say for someone who can’t talk yet. Remind you of someone else that always has a lot to say?”

He looks up at her, a grin playing on his lips.

“Millie,” they say in unison, then laugh.

“She has always had a lot to say,” Esme says, and pushes her hand through his hair, letting the strong top strands slip slowly through her fingers. “She definitely doesn’t get THAT from you. Everything else though…”

“I don’t know, I think she got a lot of really good things from you. She’s lucky you’re her momma. They all are.”

“I think they lucked out in the daddy department too.”

“They definitely hit the genetic jackpot.  Our DNA mixed together?”

“We do make beautiful babies, don’t we”

“Yeah…” he lifts Addie further up onto his chest, placing a kiss on her forehead. “...we sure do.”

“You going to be okay when I take her? You’re not going to miss her too much?”

“I’m going to miss both of you. I’ve gotten used to you being here.”

“It’s just for the rest of the day and the night.  Andy will be here with you. You won’t be alone.”

He frowns. “You make it sound like I DO need a babysitter.”

“You know what’s not what I’m trying to sound like at all. I’d just rather someone be here with you. And with Koen taking Rata to the airport and Andy offering me his room…”

“It’s just going to be weird; not having you here.  I sound pretty fucking pathetic, don’t it. Whining about a girl.”

“Excuse you, I’m not just some girl. And you’re not whining and you don’t sound pathetic. You’re going through a lot. I don’t want you to be alone anymore than you want to BE alone. But I need rest, Tyler. I really do. I love you, but I’m tired. And I’m trying to grow a baby here. They need me to take care of myself.”

“It was my idea, remember? You getting a room over there. I know you need rest. You’re not the only one who worries, you know. I worry about you a lot. I worry about you all the time.”

“And I love you so much for that, I do. But right now? I need you to worry about yourself. I’m fine. I just need some time away. Not from you. Away from all of this. It’s not you, you know that, right?”

He nods.

“And what’s that old saying? Absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

“Baby…” he tips his head back to look up at her. “I don’t think it’s possible for my heart to grow any fonder for you.”

“You know,” she grins, and leans down to kiss. “You really DO have your cute moments.”

****

An earlier text sneakily sent to Julie has the nursing showing up an hour before her shift. They meet in the small coffee shop in the hospital’s front lobby, then retreat to the outside courtyard; a table in the shade, far enough from nosy ears and prying eyes.  

“I can’t wait until THEY aren’t needed anymore,” Esme grumbles, and jerks her head over her shoulder, motioning to one of Anil’s people lingering twenty feet away; clad in a well tailored linen suit, dark sunglasses covering his eyes, and a gun on his hip.

Julie sips her iced coffee, then scoops Addie from her carrier; a hand under each of the baby’s arms, supporting her as she ‘stands’ on the woman’s thighs.  She’s not only been genuinely motherly to both Esme and Tyler since his admittance, but has taken on the ‘grandma role’ as well;  displaying a soft spot for that tiny, bright eyed, dark haired baby.  And the feeling is reciprocated; Addie never failing to smile and babble happily when in Julie’s care.   “Has there been trouble?”

“There’s been some whispers, but nothing that can be substantiated.  It’s probably nothing more than pissed off street thugs trying to stir the pot.  There’s nothing for them to gain by coming after us; there’s no money to be had.  The bounty was called off right before Mahajan was taken care of.   Anil made sure of that. Forced the words out of him and recorded it.   Once he was dead, all hope of getting rich died with him.”

She’s unsure what  had made her be so open and honest regarding just HOW they’d ended up in the ICU of a hospital in Bangladesh; a mercenary husband isn’t something she tends to talk about. Not out of embarrassment or shames or because she cares what other people will think, but because that information could be dangerous in the wrong hands.  It’s foolish to think that there aren’t  there  aren’t others   out there seeking revenge for perceived wrong doings; a man like Tyler Rake doesn’t get the reputation he has without stepping on a lot of toes or ruffling a lot of feathers. It’s for her family’s safety; the less people know about them and their lives, the safer her children are.  She doesn’t worry about her own well being -or Tyler’s when he is at a hundred percent- but certainly frets over her little ones. They’re especially vulnerable when away from the house. Never knowing if someone is watching them while on the school yard during recess or when they’re getting on the bus to come home.

It’s better to be safe than sorry.

But Julie is genuine.  That motherly touch not a show.  It’s real and has no strings attached to it.  There's nothing to suggest that she is anything BUT compassionate and trustworthy.  And she’d made it easy for Esme to trust her; the kindhearted and often delicate approach exactly what she needed at such a difficult time. She’d spent years not receiving that kind of love and treatment from the woman who had birthed her -someone like her, so mean and hateful, doesn’t deserve any other term-, that she’d forgotten what it felt like to be treated like a daughter.  Even if it is just ‘part of her job’ and she’ll forget about them once they head home to Australia, it feels good while it  lasts.

“And back home?” Julie asks, never taking her eyes off of a smiling, drooling Addie that grabs at her hair and her glasses and tries to bounce on her thighs.

“So far nothing. I’m hoping it stays that way. Where we live is pretty remote. We picked the spot because of THAT. For the privacy and the security of it. There’s no way trouble wouldn’t be spotted before it arrived. And the people we have there...the friends we have...they know how to handle things. I trust them. With my kids’ lives.”

“It’s a heck of a way to live.”

“Normally it’s very peaceful.  There’s a little bit of a ‘what if’ in the back of our minds, but it’s never been like this.  We’re always so careful with who we  talk to, who we deal with, who we actually put our trust in.  I keep anything and everything on social media locked  downand Tyler doesn’t have any form of it whatsoever. He might as well not even exist as far as the rest of the world is concerned. And he likes it that way.  He likes his privacy and having his own little ‘happy place’; he likes the security that being where we are gives him.   He keeps to himself for the most part; my own family didn’t know what he looked like or what his full name was until we actually got married. But all of this? This is just…” she sighs. “...hell.  It’s been hell.”

“I’m not trying to sound judgmental or harsh in the slightest, believe me. So please don’t take what I’m going to ask next as me being mean or undermining what you’re going through.”

“I won’t take it that way.  I can tell your intent.  You’re not a hurtful person.”

“But with children in the picture, wouldn’t it be better to get out of that life? So you don’t have to worry about those ‘what if’s’? Wouldn’t it be easier to just walk away instead of having to take all those precautions? Wouldn’t it be better to just be able to live? Without all the worrying and the stress and the fear.”

“It would be,” Esme admits. “But this is what he knows. It’s what he does best. And it’s not that easy to just walk away from it. Not after years of doing it. He’s tired. Many times.  After our daughter was born, he gave up.  He was still trying to recover from what happened here the first time and he wanted to concentrate on being a husband and a father. And he did amazing. He did. But when all you know is that or the military and the latter is out of the question and all the bills start piling up and there’s little mouths to feed, you have to do what you think is best. And he went back.  He did what he had to do to take care of his family. That’s all that’s ever been important to him; taking care of us and keeping us safe.”

“Do you think he’ll go back? After this?”

“I know he will.  It’s a matter of when he goes back. But on the bright side, we’re going to be running our own business, and I have my fingers crossed that once he gets a taste of running things behind the scenes, he won’t want to go back to getting his hands dirty. It’s hard; he’s constantly on the go and can’t sit still for more than five minutes and is just so active with the kids.  I don’t want his body or his mind getting too idle. It won’t be good for him. He won’t be able to deal if he doesn’t at least have the option of getting out there. Does that make sense?”

“Complete sense.”

“I know this life is hard for most people to understand.  It’s one of the reasons I DON’T talk about it.  It’s a kind of a shock for people; finding out Tyler is a soldier for hire. We usually just say he’s ex military and that he moonlights in private security. It’s what I told my own family. And believe me, they didn’t take the truth well at all. They already hated him to begin with, finding out he was a mercenary just sent them over the top.  My mother, she’s unbelievable. She’s the ringleader of it all. She’s always been toxic, but when I stayed seven years ago and I decided to make a life with Tyler, she just went off the deep end.  She sees him as garbage. Lower than garbage, even. She has said some horrible things about him. She’s even wished death on him.”

“I am so sorry,” Julie keeps a firm hold on Addie with one hand, then reaches out to squeeze Esme’s shoulder. “You don’t deserve that. Neither of you do.”

“She’s been horrible all my life. She’s never  been a REAL mother. She gave birth to me, that’s about it. And when I decided to make a life of my own and stay in Australia and get married and start a family? That made her a hundred times worse. She thinks he somehow has me trapped there. Or has brainwashed me into staying with him. She calls him ‘that man’. Never by his name.  He tried to make things right with her and extend the olive branch but it didn’t stick.  He did it for me.  He thought it was I needed; a relationship with my mother.  But it wasn’t worth it.  It just made her worse.  She even treats the kids like second class citizens.”

“She sounds...horrible.”

“She is.  There is no denying that. And as weird as it sounds, it still makes me sad. Because that’s my mother.  And maybe I should try harder. Especially now that she doesn’t have much longer. But I can’t bring myself to do it; reach out to her. It just hurts too much. All the things she’s said about him and said about my kids. I can't get over that. I certainly can’t forgive it. Does that make me a horrible person? That I can’t make amends with my own mother?”

“You don’t owe toxic people anything.  If the best thing is to keep her out of your life, then it is what it is.”

“I don’t care what she says about me. I’ve long ago stopped caring about that. But when she talks about him or the kids, I just…” she sighs.   “...I can’t forgive OR forget that.”

“I’d be the same. I’d cut my family out if they treated my husband or my kids like that.”

“She thinks he’s some kind of monster because of what he does for a living. And he’s not. He is so far being a monster. He has this huge, beautiful heart;  when he loves, he loves with everything he has. And he’s an amazing father. They adore him and he’s so good with them. And she doesn’t see any of that. She wouldn’t take the time to see it. She’s too busy hating him. And it hurts my heart. Because he IS my heart. I must sound really pathetic to you right about now, huh?”

“No,” Julie says. “You just sound like someone who has been holding a lot inside for  a lot of years.”

“I try not to talk about it. As far as I’m concerned, that Esme? The one existed in my mother’s eyes? She’s been dead for a long time. I stopped being her a long time ago. And I like the Esme I am now. I like the life I have. I LOVE the life I have. I love being a wife and a mother. And if she can’t accept that, that’s her issue, not mine.”

“You need to keep reminding yourself of that. Whenever she creeps into that pretty little head of yours and tries to drag you down? You tell herself exactly what you just told me.  And I can tell...watching the two of you together...that there’s something really special there. That’s not a normal bond. It’s something strong and incredible.  And I’ve seen him with this little one…”  she presses a kiss to Addie’s forehead and then settles her on her lap. “...and you’re right; he is a pretty good daddy.”

Esme smiles. “He is.  I wish you could see him in all his daddy glory. When he’s healthy and he’s home and he doesn’t have all of this on his plate. Because it’s amazing; seeing him that way.”

“Well I always have wanted to visit Australia. Maybe when he is home and back on his feet, I could come and see that.”

“You’d be more than welcome, that’s for sure. We’d love to have you there. You and your family.  And now that I’ve used you as a therapist and wasted a lot of your hour before you start work, I guess I should get to why I really asked you to meet me.”

“It’s what I’m here for, sweets. And you haven’t wasted any of my time, trust me. What’s on your mind? I can tell it’s big.”

“I’m worried about Tyler. Not physically. He’s doing incredible that way. But mentally.  I’m really worried about him.”

“What’s going on?”

“You already know that he has PTSD; you’ve seen in all it’s glory when he first wakes up in the morning and he’s disoriented and confused and then the reality of being a hospital sets in. You’ve seen him lose it.”

“More than once.”

“When it kicks in, his brain just takes over and he freaks out;  he doesn’t even know what he’s saying or doing. And it’s scary; I’ve lived with it for seven years almost. I’ve been the one to talk him down on many occasions. I’m the one who had to commit him the second time he tried to kill himself.”

“You think things are getting worse? That they’re leading to that?”

Esme  nods as she fights back tears. “I’ve seen him in that horribly dark place and  I don’t want him going back there. Because if he does, I don’t know if I’ll get him back out this time.  I don’t want to lose him; especially not to his own mind. And the way his moods have been and the things he’s been saying, I can tell he’s heading down a really bad road. I want to stop it before he gets even further. I just don’t know how.”

“You think he might try to do something? To hurt himself?”

“I don’t think he’s quite there yet, but I don’t want him getting anywhere near there. He’s already admitted he needs help, and believe me, Tyler never admits to things like that.  It was beaten into him as a kid; asking for help shows weakness and a real man is never weak. Things are starting to come back to him. About what happened last week. And it’s going to get very ugly very quickly and I know he won’t be able to handle it. I need to get him help. BEFORE it’s too late.  We can’t wait until we get home. It’ll be too late by then.  I need to help him. I just need help doing it.”

“We have a crisis team here. That’s worked with people that have suffered severe trauma and have PTSD as a result. A lot of them are ex military and police.  I’ll personally contact them. I won’t waste time bringing it to a doctor and waiting for a referral.”

“You can do that? Bypass the doctors?”

“I shouldn’t, but I will. Do you think meds would help?”

“He won’t take meds. He already told me that. Unless there’s a way you can do it without him knowing. I know that sounds terrible. Sneaking it past him like that. But I’m desperate.  He needs help. Now. Not later. I love him and I need him around. And so do my kids.”

“I’m sure there’s a way I can talk him into letting me give him something.  We’ll be upping the pain meds: I could always say that I'm giving him something to help with the nausea. There’s a lot of drugs that can do both; help him from feeling sick and keep him calm.”

“I don’t want him to be a zombie. I just want him relaxed. I want his brain to stop torturing him.  And I know he’s going to snap over the idea of talking to someone. But if I’m with him, I know he’ll do it. He'll do it reluctantly, but he WILL do it. For me. I seem to be his driving force for a lot of things.”

“Well he loves you. That much is obvious. I see the way he looks at you.”

“Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it. The way he looks at me. The way he loves me. He doesn’t see himself the way I see him. And I see him as my everything.  I never thought I’d say that about a man, believe me.”

Julie laughs.  “I hear you on that. I swore I’d never get married. Well here I am; thirty years later. Still married.”

“I’m actually looking forward to that. Spending that long with him. Longer, hopefully. Life would suck pretty huge without him. So you can help me? You can help him?”

“I can,” Julie assures her, then reaches out to lay a hand on the side of Esme’s head, drawing it down to her shoulder. “He’ll get through this,” she promises. “And so will you.”

[briswriting]

i was tagged by @kenmaksuwu ily sam mwah

have you ever been punched/punched someone? i have lightly punched/has been lightly punched by brother and sister LOL but i’ve never full on decked someone

movie you could watch every day without getting bored? any of the narnia movies i am so soft for all of the pevensies 

the first song you remember listening too? okay so i dont remember first song BUT my first concert was the cheetah girls concert with miley cyrus/hannah montana LOL

favourite conspiracy theory? omg any of the government ones are amazing like the fbi agents watching us through our cameras, the pigeons are robots watching us they're great 

dream occupation? becoming a forensics analyst with my chem degree is the plan hehe

softest/cutest song in your playlist? i have a playlist called “:(( boops” and its not because they're sad songs its because and i quote from my playlist bio “sad because we want to be in love” and its literally full of soft and cute love songs that are both sad and happy ones to fill the void of having no love life in my heart BUT my fav song on this extremely large playlist atm is hurricane by the aces

favourite book? the harry potter books they got a place in my nerdy ass heart

have you ever experienced the Mandela effect, if so, what happened? i don’t think i personally have, but the ones people point out on social media gets to me like the berenstain bears istg it was the bernstein bears asdgfhgjhk

do you believe in ghosts/spirits/demons/afterlife all that? any supernatural shit i believe it !!

creepiest experience? this is more so a scaryish experience BUT my apartment is like less than a block away from campus so i walk to and from school when i have classes/extracurriculars but my campus is smack down right in the middle of downtown so i got out of a pledge meeting late like at 1am and i was walking home alone and that was the scariest shit because there be crackheads everywhere in downtown and omg i heard someone walking behind me and i just like straight up started walking as fast as my little legs could carry me 

i was also tagged by @miyulovestowrite ily too miyu bb besitos for you

sticky notes or notepads? sticky notes!! i have a whole bunch of those cute little sticky tabs too that are like animals and stuff ahaha 

apple or android? apple!

what’s your favorite kind of weather? fall is my fav season! so like warm but not too warm where i could wear a jacket over a cute top and shorts

if you could marry one irl person, who would it be? my obsession with tom holland died down but i would still love to marry him hehe

who’s the one fictional character who’s death you cried over the most (there’s gotta be at least one,,,) i cried over A LOT of characters when i read harry potter LOL also assassination classroom i ugly cried y'all know why if you watched it

what’s one thing about your past that you miss? i miss doing ballet !!

if you could change your name what would you change it to? i actually like my name hehe

what’s your favorite highlighter color? the pastel color highlighters !! so like light pink, lavender, and light blue!!

if you were allowed to go outside rn where would you be? hanging out with my friends probably to get boba LOL

describe your favorite writing utensil. omg so ive been using the same pencil for like the past 3 years LMFAO its a pink pentel lead pencil 

my questions: 

funniest group chat name first fandom you were ever in  randomly choose a song from your favorite playlist   if you could be placed in any fictional universe, which one and why favorite color combo if you could have a superpower what what would it be chocolate or vanilla  favorite disney movie  current favorite fandom  if you could have ANY animal as a pet what would it be 

tagging: @mikwrites @nekomas-kuroo @blkjackals @hq-vbc @haikoo @vventure @akaashichigo

[aion-rsa]

Upcoming Movies in October 2020: Theaters, Streaming and VOD

https://ift.tt/3lducG3

October looks a lot different than it did only a few weeks ago. As the month many movie theater owners were hanging their hats on with the hope of a weekly deluge of new movies , October has recently been vacated by high profile features that include Wonder Woman 1984, Death on the Nile, and Candyman.

Yet if you’re  a cinephile or movie lover who is desperate for new stories and visions, it is not all doom and gloom. Between the streaming market of Netflix, VOD, and other platforms, as well as some smaller films willing to roll the dice on a limited theatrical release, there are still more than a few things to see in October 2020…

2067

October 2 (U.S. Only)

A high-concept science fiction setup if we’ve ever heard one, 2067 is the story of Ethan Whyte (Kodi Smit-McPhee), a young man born in a dystopian future where he learns that he might be the savior of humanity… at least that’s what people from an even more distant future are saying. In a plot twist that sounds, at least on paper, akin to a reversal of The Terminator, messengers from the future say Ethan is the key to saving the world and wish to transport him via time machine to an unknowable destiny. Chaos ensues. It’s a big idea, but we’re always game for someone swinging big in this genre.

Death of Me

October 2 (November 23 in the UK)

Darren Lynn Boseman, director of Saw II through Saw IV, returns to the horror genre again alongside Nikita’s Maggie Q and Westworld’s Luke Hemsworth. In this VOD release, the pair play a vacationing couple who wake up on an island with a horrible hangover. Yet a video on their phones seems to suggest the night before was even worse: Neil (Hemsworth) spent the evening brutally murdering his wife, as per the screen in their pockets. Nevertheless, here they are now, left with a lot of questions of what happened yesterday… and what can happen today.

Black Box

October 6

The first of Amazon Prime and Blumhouse Productions’ “Welcome to the Blumhouse” series, Emmanuel Osei-Kuffour’s Black Box has a tantalizing premise. Nolan (Mamoudou Athie) survived a car accident that took his wife, but it also took large swaths of his memory of her. So in order to regain his memory, and regain a sense of stability for his young daughter, Nolan undergoes an experimental treatment where his psychologist uses hypnosis to thrust him into his subconscious where he’ll be able remember his past and face his personal demons. Literally. 

Like something out of Christopher Nolan’s Inception, this horror movie shows how scary being trapped in dreams really is if all that’s in them is the stuff of nightmares…

The Lie

October 6

The second Amazon/Blumhouse feature is more of a psychological thriller than a straightforward horror movie. Originally premiering at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2018, The Lie follows a father (Peter Sarsgaard) who discovers his daughter Kayla (Joey King) accidentally killed her friend… until she admits she may have actually murdered her.

How far will he go to cover-up his daughter’s sins? Well, that’s the logline, and it seems to be a gripping one, albeit reviews from TIFF were less than kind two years ago.

Hubie Halloween

October 7

Last year Adam Sandler warned the Academy that if he doesn’t win an Oscar for Uncut Gems he’d make a film so bad that it’d make “you all pay.” Well, he wasn’t even nominated and eight months after the ceremony, here we are with Netflix’s Hubie Halloween. It remains to be seen whether this is actually the bad one—for starters it filmed before Oscar nominations went out—but it is still very much a Happy Madison production, complete with major supporting roles for Kevin James and Rob Schneider.

Read more

Movies

Uncut Gems: The Real Noir in Adam Sandler’s Classic

By David Crow

Movies

Horror Movies on HBO Max: Hammer Films, It Chapter 2, Us, to Arrive in October

By Don Kaye

In the movie, Sandler plays Hubie Dubois, the town loser of Salem, Massachusetts. A lonely fry cook obsessed with Halloween, Hubie spends all year looking forward to decking out his home and town the same way Clark Griswold anticipates Christmas. But on this particular Halloween, the town appears besieged by actual supernatural forces, and finally Hubie will have his time to shine. Eh, it looks more amusing than The Do-Over and The Ridiculous 6?

Books of Blood

October 7 (U.S. Only)

Who doesn’t love anthological horror? Hulu certainly does, as they’re releasing Books of Blood, the latest adaptation of Clive Barker’s multi-volume series of short stories by the same name. Previous tales from Books of Blood have been adapted into movies as beloved as Candyman and as decidedly not as Rawhide Rex. In this film version, three stories are created for the screen by co-writer and director Brannon Braga. Here’s hoping it lands closer to the former?

Saint Maud

October 9 (UK Only)

The UK will be the first to get A24’s only horror movie this year. Lucky. The feature directorial debut of Rose Glass, Saint Maud follows an unhealthily repressed and zealous young woman: Maud (Morfydd Clark). Maud is technically a caretaker by trade, looking after people in hospice. But she also imagines herself to be something of an apostle, sent to save godless folks from their sins, particularly Amanda (Jennifer Ehle), the woman she’s living with as the in-home nurse.

Read more

Movies

Best Modern Horror Movies

By Don Kaye

Movies

Best Horror Movies on Netflix: Scariest Films to Stream

By David Crow and 2 others

It’s already a tense situation, even before Maud starts hearing voices and having images of ecstasy and Heaven, and demons and Hell. Rich with atmosphere and grueling anticipation of something horrible happening, Saint Maud is a great debut for Glass and a potential star-maker for Clark, who is skin-crawlingly pious as Maud, the young woman who’s wound up tighter than a jack-in-the-box.

The Wolf of Snow Hollow

October 9 (U.S. Only)

Debuting in theaters and on VOD, The Wolf of Snow Hollow is Jim Cummings’ follow-up to Thunder Road. That earlier, underrated movie was a delightful mix of comedy and drama that won the SXSW Grand Jury Prize. So the sophomore effort being a werewolf comedy-horror movie is intriguing. Indeed, Wolf of Snow Hollow is the rare lycanthrope yarn that’s told from the point-of-view of the would-be wolf hunter, Sheriff John Marshall (Cummings).

Following a series of grisly murders every full moon, the residents of Snow Hollow become convinced they have a wolfman on their hands, even if the frustrated sheriff refuses to accept the obvious. The film also marks the final performance of Robert Forster as John’s crusty mentor.

The War with Grandpa

October 9 in the U.S. (October 16 in the UK)

For most people, having Robert De Niro as a grandfather can be an imposing experience. But kids these days! That’s at least one amusing takeaway from The War with Grandpa, the delayed family movie that sees De Niro’s grandfatherly Ed enter into a prank war with his grandson Peter (Oakes Fegley) after upsetting the youth by moving into his old bedroom—Peter’s mom and Ed’s daughter Sally (Uma Thurman) forced them into the arrangement.

Read more

Movies

The King of Comedy: What’s the Real Punchline of the Martin Scorsese Classic?

By Tony Sokol

Movies

Al Capone: 9 Actors Who Played the Original Scarface

By Tony Sokol

Soon shaving cream reveals itself to be foam sealant stuck to De Niro’s face, and Peter’s oral report announces he is a louse. Oh, and there’s a dodgeball battle in which De Niro is aided by a squad of screen legends like Christopher Walken, Cheech Marin, and Jane Seymour, to squash the pups. Now things are getting serious…

Nocturne

October 13

The first of Amazon and Blumhouse’s next batch of original movies, Nocturne is the tale of a hellish rivalry between sisters. Genuinely. The feature debut from director Zu Quirke stars Sydney Sweeney as Juliet, the younger sister of fellow musician Vivian (Madison Iseman). While both young women are gifted pianists, Vivian is a prodigy and the center of Juliet’s envy. That is until Juliet finds the diary of another child prodigy at their prestigious conservatory who killed herself. The book includes all the late pianist’s hidden compositions… and symbols and incantations.

Ever heard the story of Faust? It seems like Juliet is about to get an up-close modern example.

Evil Eye

October 13

As the final Blumhouse effort to be released on Amazon Prime in 2020, Evil Eye hails from directors Elan and Rajeev Dassani and presents itself as both a psychological thriller and supernatural chiller. The truth of which it really is depends on how much you believe the eye of Usha (Sarita Choudhury).

Read more

Movies

How Jason Blum Changed Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher

Movies

Jason Blum: No Plans To Restart Universal Monsters Universe

By Don Kaye

For this mother of Pallavi (GLOW’s Sunita Mani) is convinced her daughter is necking with a new boyfriend (Omar Maskati) who’s the spirit of an evil abusive ex Usha escaped in her youth. Is he the vestiges of a half-remembered curse or the potential victim of a mommy dearest prone to snap judgements? Tune in to find out for yourself…

The Trial of the Chicago 7

October 16

“The whole world is watching.” That’s the chanted refrain of protestors in Aaron Sorkin’s second movie as director, but it might also apply to the level of anticipation regarding this major Netflix release and potential awards season darling. The movie itself is an old-fashioned legal thriller like Sorkin cut his teeth on with scripts like A Few Good Men, but Chicago 7 feels urgently (and depressingly) vital.

Following on the heels of the Chicago riots during the Democratic National Convention of 1968—riots later deemed to have been started by the police—eight men categorized as “the far left” are rounded up for a show trial by Nixon’s Justice Department where they’re charged with conspiracy.

Read more

Movies

Aaron Sorkin: Donald Trump Made The Trial of the Chicago 7 Movie Possible

By David Crow

Movies

Quentin Tarantino Calls The Social Network the Best Movie of the 2010s

By David Crow

The film features the same blistering abundance of dialogue Sorkin has become famous for, as well as his penchant for breezy fast-paced editing. But the political heft of the subject matter and the movie’s deep bench of an acting ensemble that includes Sacha Baron Cohen, Jeremy Strong, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Eddie Redmayne, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mark Rylance, and Frank Langella is what makes this one of the most thrilling movies of the year.

Honest Thief

October 16 (U.S. Only)

Liam Neeson plays a thief who wants a second chance. A bank robber willing to turn himself and $9 million in to be with the new love of his life. But then crooked FBI agents (Jai Courtney and Anthony Ramos) steal his money and frame him for murder instead. So he’s left with one thing to do: menacingly hiss over the phone, “I’m coming for you.” We imagine that trailer-ready threat was what Honest Thief was sold on during its elevator pitch.

Rebecca

October 21

Remaking Alfred Hitchcock remains a tricky proposition that has thwarted many filmmakers in the past. Readapting the only one of his movies to win the Oscar for Best Picture, Rebecca, appears all the harder. Yet everything we’ve seen from Ben Wheatley and Netflix’s luscious adaptation of the Daphne Du Maurier novel is highly encouraging.

With a winning cast that includes Lily James as the new Mrs. de Winter, Armie Hammer as her husband Maxim, and Kristin Scott Thomas as his menacing housekeeper Mrs. Danvers, the film opens with the young bride trying to step into the shoes of Maxim’s dead first wife, Rebecca. An apparent light of his mansion that has been long snuffed, Rebecca’s flame burns still if only because of Mrs. Danvers’ admiration for her late mistress… and maybe the ghost who prowls the house. This is archetypal Gothic horror, and with screenwriter Jane Goldman apparently keeping the novel’s original ending, we already feel seduced by the imagery.

On the Rocks

October 2 in the UK (October 23 in the U.S.)

Sofia Coppola and Bill Murray work together again. For the first time since their luminous Lost in Translation (if you ignore the ill-considered A Very Murray Christmas), the director and star are collaborating on this visibly intimate tale. It’s about an adult daughter (Rashida Jones) and her famous father (Murray) spending a weekend in New York City on an adventure after years of estrangement.

Read more

Movies

10 Best Alfred Hitchcock Movies

By Michael Leader

Movies

8 Essential Gothic Horror Movies

By David Crow and 1 other

The film, which also stars Marlon Wayans, premiered to a largely warm reception at the New York Film Festival and is already being written about as a spiritual successor to their original collaboration. Once more a woman in the midst of an existential crisis is aided by Murray between glasses of scotch. Who doesn’t want to pull up a seat and order another round?

Over the Moon

October 23

You probably don’t know Glen Keane’s name but you should. The longtime Walt Disney Animation Studios animator oversaw the design and animation of Ariel in The Little Mermaid, Beast in Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin in Aladdin, and Rapunzel in Tangled. With Over the Moon, he steps away from the Mouse and toward Netflix as a first-time co-director, alongside John Kahrs (an animator on Tangled and Frozen).

The trailer for the film is like a Georges Méliès fever dream from  as a little girl named Fei Fei (Cathy Ang) builds a rocket ship to take her to the moon. But once there, Fei Fei and friends meet a mythical moon goddess (Hamilton’s Phillipa Soo) who takes them on a candy-colored odyssey through the cosmos.

Synchronic

October 23 (U.S. only)

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead are two of the most intriguing new voices in science fiction. If you don’t recognize their names, go watch The Endless right now. One of the strangest and cleverest sci-fi yarns of the last decade, that film is now being followed up by Synchronic, another original tale that stars Anthony Mackie and Jamie Dornan. The specifics of the film remain vague other than it is about two New Orleans paramedics who investigate a series of murders caused by a new, bizarre designer drug. But we already know we can’t wait to watch what horrible side effects come from these poor bastards taking it.

The Craft: Legacy

It cannot be Halloween without at least one more horror movie coming out the week of. Thus enters The Craft: Legacy, Sony Pictures and Blumhouse Productions’ legacy sequel to the original 1996 The Craft. Like its predecessor, this follows an outsider who is the new girl in school (Cailee Spaeny). She may be ostracized by the popular kids, but she befriends fellow students who have alternative tastes… like witchcraft.

The original is a touchstone for millennials and Gen-Xers of a certain age, and this reboot looks to push the story into a more complex understanding of friendship. And if it doesn’t, it’s still a Blumhouse effort so it should have plenty of spooky jumps!

Relic

October 30 (US Only)

Dementia is at the heart of this very eerie chiller where three generations of women convene in an old family home which seems to be rotting from the inside. Robyn Nevin, Emily Mortimer and Bella Heathcote star in a slow build drama which delves into the horror of losing your sense of self, as Nevin’s matriarch goes missing for days and can’t remember what happened while her house is filled with odd notes, black mould and snippets of a life slipping away from her grasp. This is the feature debut of Australian-Japanese director Natalie Erika James and it’s a stylish, chilling and confident first feature with a final act that veers into full blown horror. Out already in the States on VOD it has a UK theatrical release in the UK.

The post Upcoming Movies in October 2020: Theaters, Streaming and VOD appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3lcbpuO

[anninhiliation]

Thirty Questions Challenge

I was tagged by @thediabolicalplanx6x

1. How tall are you? 5 ft and 5′1 on a good day

2. What color/style is your hair? Blonde, Curly sometimes straight though, and a few inches past my shoulders (A hairdresser went crazy and chopped my length)

3. What color are your eyes? Green

4. Do you wear glasses? I have reading glasses, but I never use them aahahaha

5. Do you wear braces? I did when I was like 14 lol

6. What’s your fashion sense? It varies, sometimes slutty, sometimes like an adult, sometimes like a sk8r boi, most times I'm just fuckin naked sue me

7. Full name? no

8. When were you born? January 30th 

9. Where are you from/Where do you live now? I'm from Dirty Jersey and live in dirty jersey 

10. What school do you go to? One near me lol 

11. What kind of student are you? We had homework? We are presenting today? There's an exam today? *Shoves papers in my purse or backpack* *doodles* *plays club penguin rewritten* *writes smut* BUT SOMEHOW IM AN A/B STUDENT

12. Do you like school? No, I actually didn't want to go to college but my ass got the chancleta 

13. Favorite school subjects? none, leaving 

14. Favorite tv shows? Bob’s Burgers, The Office, Parks and Rec, Chicas Del Cable, On My Block, And I do like crime TV shows aswell

15. Favorite movie? My sextape I have a lot!!! The OG Halloween, Friday the 13th (OG), Nightmare on Elm Street (OG), The conjuring, The nun, Texas chainsaw massacre- I've actually always wanted to fuck to that movie but no one wants to :( The OG horror movies I like

16. Favorite book? The Great Gatsby (Cliche I know- Sue me bitch)

17. Favorite pastime? Playing with myself, video games, writing, walking, fucking, sexting, shaking my booty, drinking, 

18. Do you have any regrets?  A LOT hahaha where was my mother? literally though why don't my friends tell me half the shit I do is a bad idea? 

19. Dream job? When I was 12 I wanted to be a bartender, at 15/16 I actually was a bartender and hated it dfkjfsdkl, But as an adult honestly I don't know. Like I just want to be happy in whatever I do ya know?

20. Would you ever like to be married? Yea

21. Would you like to have kids? It depends on if I'm married, where I live, whats the income like, and how close I am to family. 

22. How many? If I'm in good standing I think I would want to adopt a minimum of three, and adopt some more older fellas as I get older (I would want to pick though because we have to vibe off the bat there's no room for toxicity in my house)

23. Do you like shopping? Yeah I loved it when I HAD A JOB

24. What countries have you visited? Italy-  Specifically Sicily (I was 2 so I don't count it but you can), Argentina, Canada, DR, 

But Ive been in the airports of: Brazil, Chile (Beautiful airport 10/10), Peru (Not a good experience it was like 3 am and I was just trying to get back to AMERICA), 

25. Scariest nightmare you ever had? I've had a few like I remember one of them was at an abandoned house and my friends being lined up in front of me and they were on their knees and I was forced to watch every single one of them being shot in the head, another one was a girl with long black hair dragging me into a pool and trying to drown me and she was so fucking creepy and I had another dream with the same girl and I was on an abandoned train track road thing (it was around the time my brother's friend was hit by a train and died) and the girl kept beating me with a shovel, another one was with my “first love” or whatever and I remember watching him get stabbed and die in my arms lol 

26. Any enemies? I honestly don't know lmfao and if I do that sounds like a their problem kinda thing or I just forgot. Ive been in quartine and no ones started beef with me

27. Do you have a significant other? Hell no men are not loyal and only care about your body lol 

28. Do you get along with your family? Some of them ksldfjds

29. Do you believe in miracles? yea

30. How are you? Ive been better the isolation stuff has been putting me through a dark hole lol 

Im tagging: @cncogirl18 , @zabdielmuch and @just-another-cnchoe and whoever wants to do it!

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 5: Night of the Living Dread

View on Google Docs

Summary: July 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben learn of some breaking news regarding the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, but not everyone is as pleased as the broadcast duo.

[Podcast intro music]

Announcer Dear listeners, please note that the following program may contain views that do not reflect that of King Falls AM, its management, or its subsidiaries. Listener discretion is advised.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. I’m your host, Sammy Stevens, and as always we are joined by producer and co-host extraordinaire, Ben Arnold.

Ben [trying not to be amused] You’re so- you’re so happy, aren’t you? You’re a child. Getting so giddy over that message.

Sammy Listening to a warning before a radio broadcast I’m on has literally been on the bucket list for a long time. Thanks Merv!

Ben *laughter* Ridiculous. A glutton for punishment.

Sammy What can I say? I enjoy a nice game of hard ball! Uh, y’know, but enough about what Merv doesn’t want you to hear, let’s talk about what he does want you to hear. And what do we have cooking tonight, Ben?

Ben Dude, it’s stacked alright? Stacked. We’ve got the- lovely Miss Emily Potter from the King Falls Library giving us her picks for enlightened summer reading.

Sammy Terrific! We always love speaking with Emily!

Ben You and me both.

Sammy I said “we,” Ben.

Ben Uh, I know. I- *breathes in* [stilted] I- We-We-uh, We’ve got some really cool news! here. We-we are announcing the line-up for the first annual King Falls Ambient Music Festival. That’s coming up the second hour.

Sammy Wait a second. The King Falls Ambient Music Festival? Is this town even big enough for a festival?

Ben Oh yeah! It’s like Coachella[1] but for hipsters that just want to relax. It’s all about “setting the mood.”

Sammy You know, I’m wondering if they’re gonna make it to a second annual.

Ben And then, um, [reluctant and slipping into mumbling] opening up the show we-we’ve got the- doctor *mumbling*

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Ben, what was that? You’re trailing off, buddy.

Ben We have that umm, *sniffs, lets out breath* one… guy. You know that- fo- w- talking about that *deep breath* one thing—

Sammy [trying to cut him off] Ben—

Ben —from a month ago or so—?

Sammy What? What are you talking about?

Ben You know— May- maybe we should start it with Uh, callers first! [mildly frantic] Just-uh-Give us a call at 424-279-3858 and let’s talk about… *tsk* anything! Let’s uh, whats your-whats your-whats-whats on your mind King Falls?

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, put down your phones for a second. What Ben is trying to say is we’ve got a scoop here this evening on King Falls AM. We’re gonna be speaking with—

Ben [cutting Sammy off]Or you can tweet us! @kingfallsam. I-I-I will literally talk about anything right now. Even to Mr. Derschwitz about that weird toenail thing. Let-lets-lets go, people!

Sammy I thought we agreed—

Ben I know. Sammy, I’m sorry it’s just, [slightly more frantic] I’m-I’m not feelin’ the best here. Alright? my stomach, is all… knotted up, just thinking about this.

Sammy That is journalism. That feeling is journalism—

Ben [speaking over Sammy] I think it might actually be an ulcer! It Tastes, like Fear and Feels, like Cancer . It’s way more than anxiety. I-I’m gonna call Dr. Raúl, at break.

Sammy He’s a chiropractor!

Ben Maybe he can refer me?

Sammy Power through it, buddy! Look at this folks, we got somebody dialing into the hotline right now! You ready for this Ben? Come on.

Ben Please, be Reverend Hawthorne so we can talk about the Revival next month.

Sammy Oh stop it. You know he isn’t even scheduled!

Ben I just thought— maybe that’s how prayers work, I don’t know, I’m not a reverend!

Sammy King Falls AM, you’re on the air.

Dr. Rosenblum [Dr. Rosenblum’s voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times] Good evening, this is Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum, with the, King Falls County Coroner’s Office.

Ben C-can I please just say—

Sammy Dr. Rosenblum, it is a pleasure to speak with you this evening.

Rosenblum Excited to be here, Sammy. Ecstatic even. We listen on slow nights.

Ben That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.

Sammy Much appreciated, Doc. Now, as fate would have it, you were the overseeing physician working on the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, is that correct?

Ben Doc? Can you just, hold on for- one- moment- please?

Rosenblum Of course, Ben I—

Sammy Don’t start, Ben! We agreed to see this through.

Ben All I’m saying i- lemme finish- a- i-is that maybe it’s not our place *deep breath* to break this kind of news.

Sammy Fine. You know what? You’re right! Let’s just give this to our friends down at Channel 13 and let them be the ones to alert the public about this.

Ben [journalist voice] Doc, Ben Arnold. Tell us about cracking open the mystery body.

Sammy [quietly] Oh.

Rosenblum It’s true that I was the operating physician on that particular John Doe, y-es, irrefutablyy

Sammy Now, as I understand, your official report was released yesterday morning, doctor, but amazingly enough, not one publication or news station in our town- including King Falls AM- reported on it.

Rosenblum You are correct. Busy news day- one would assume.

Ben So, that means, you are— free to talk about it on air.

Rosenblum I would be elated

Sammy First and foremost on everyone’s minds: were there any signs of, uh, y’know, the lake mo- *sighs* I can’t.

Ben Did Kingsie make the body, bite the big one?

Rosenblum There was no evidence that a creature large or small had anything to do with the deceased.

Ben *sigh of relief* That- I knew Kingsie didn’t have it in her.

Sammy Now, Dr. Rosenblum, can you tell us if there was any foul play involved at all?

Rosenblum During our first autopsy we were not able to distinguish with certainty the cause of death. But there were no signs of foul play

Sammy I’m sorry, did you say “first” autopsy?

Ben [confused] Is that normal? Did you- find out the cause of death during the… second autopsy?

Rosenblum Indeed. It was six individual gunshot wounds to the victim’s head. Three shots to the temporal lobe, two to the mendulla oblongata—

Sammy What?! Six gunshot wounds?!

Rosenblum To the cranium, yes. One to the frontal lobe, another to—

Ben So the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe was, murdered?

Sammy I can’t believe this! This is big! Why didn’t one news outlet report this thing yesterday?!

Rosenblum Well, the cause of death was inconclusive and with no signs of foul play, it was not exactly a juicy story.

Ben and Sammy Wait a second.

Rosenblum …yes?

Sammy I’m sorry, doc. I’m not in the medical orrr criminal fields but, how is six gunshots not foul play?

Rosenblum Well, that was between the first autopsy and the second. The gunshots were self-defense administered via Deputy Kreighauser at my behest.

Sammy Ben, we’re gonna wanna get Troy on the phone and see what he’s got to say about this.

Ben “Things Ben Arnold would never think under ordinary circumstances for 800, Alex.”[2]

Sammy Doc, while we’re getting Deputy Troy on the line, would you mind if we took a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors?

Rosenblum That’s just- Dandy.

[light bg music]

Greg Frickard After a long day’s work or a tough day’s play, you probably just wanna come home and relax. No need to slave over a hot stove for hours on end. Well that’s where we come in! Here at Granny Frickard’s, we know that the less time you spend doing the things you don’t like, is the more time you spend with the ones you love. So come get some of the best frog legs that money can buy. Granny Frickard’s French-fried farm-fresh never-frozen filleted-and-fricasseed fried-and-flambeed frog legs. Mm-mm-mm. So get on down to Granny Frickard’s Froggery at the corner of Main Street and 7th Avenue. We’ll put some pep in your step and some hop in your heart.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy And we’re back on King Falls AM, here with King Falls County Coroner, Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum.

Rosenblum A Pleasure.

Sammy Do you have Troy, Ben?

Ben He’s booking one of the Williams boys for mooning. He’ll call us in a few.

Sammy I’m a little out of sorts here, doc. Can you explain what happened between the first inconclusive autopsy and the point where Troy filled the cadaver full of lead.

Rosenblum Of course. As I was finishing the initial post-mortem, it came to my attention that the deceased began to emit a hissing sound, fluctuating between the lower thorax and the larynx.

Ben Oh my God.

Rosenblum I called for Deputy Kreighauser and he entered, as I wanted someone else to see this- phenomenon. That’s when the John Doe began a slight, thrashing about the upper torso.

Ben Um… are you saying—

Rosenblum The deputy began to fumble for his sidearm while we both discerned that something was wildly- amiss. The deceased opened its eyes and instantly grabbed for the lapel of my lab coat with voracious tenacity.

Ben Wh- ah- go on.

Rosenblum It gnashed its teeth as I emitted a terrified, albeit, high pitched, scream. And that’s when Troy unholstered his sidearm and administered six lethal shots to the reanimated corpse’s cranium.

Ben A zombie.

Sammy Alright, is there- [fumbling] Let’s just say- is there-

Ben We’ve got Troy on the line.

Deputy Troy [in bg] I don’t care if he was only joshin’. You can’t show your G-D derriere out in public! [car door slams] [pleasantly] Hey boys, what’s goin’ on tonight?

Sammy You tell us, Troy, holy geez! Uh, we’ve got Dr. Rosenblum on the line here and—

Deputy Troy Is this about the zombie?

Ben Yes! So-so you’re confirming this story, Troy?

Deputy Troy Well, hell yeah I’m confirming! I had to do three hours of damn paper work from unloadin’ my pistola into a corpse! Sheriff Gunderson was not the happiest of campers.

Ben [excited and awed] This is amazing… This is unprecedented .

Sammy [skeptical] This is a little unbelievable, Troy.

Rosenblum It is a first in my profession. Believe you me. [still tonelessly] Wowzers.

Deputy Troy Honest engine[3] boys. I capped the all get out of that thing! It had the doc by the face ‘bout to start chewing!

Rosenblum You’re my hero, Deputy Troy.

Deputy Troy Shucks, wasn’t nothin’ special.

Ben [slightly sullen] Except killing the first instance of a zombie in King Falls since—

Sammy Don’t say “since”.

Ben … Well… Since that one time at the mall in the '80s.

Sammy No, that’s not a real thing, Ben. That’s a film.

Ben [worked up] Sammy? How many extraordinary things are gonna have to SLAP you right in the face to make you buy into this? KING FALLS, MAN.

Deputy Troy You know me, Sammy. I always shoot ya straight. But it was the craziest sh[bleep]t I’ve ever seen. I mean it was like my-ex-wife-needs-alimony-money crazy.

Ben See? Even Barney Fife[4] saw it.

Sammy *sighs* I just—

Rosenblum I don’t want to cause an uproar here, but since that exam, there have been, other cases.

Ben Of frickin’ zombies?

Rosenblum Of reanimation among corpses… yes.

Deputy Troy Doc, you just give me a call if you need. I’m more than happy to go Clint Eastwood if the situation arises.

Rosenblum Will do, Deputy. Thank you so much for your- assistance. Without you, there may not have been this- interview.

Deputy Troy [proud] To protect and serve.

Sammy I can’t take all this in right now, Dr. Rosenblum I- e- Thank you so much for your insightful information.

Rosenblum As they say, [still monotone] “you got it, duude.”

[click, dial tone]

Ben You okay, Sammy? You… don’t look so well.

Deputy Troy Ah, hell, boys.[siren whoop] I gotta go. I’ll call you back later tonight! One of the Williams boys is tryin’ ta saw through the bars outside the jailhouse? [sirens in bg] [through megaphone] Jacob Williams put your hands UP and the file DOWN.

[click, dial tone]

Ben Alright King Falls, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear yours. Have you or anyone you know experienced anything like what the doctor spoke of? Reanimation? The walking—

Sammy Don’t.

Ben You know what I mean. Give us a call or tweet us.

Sammy Looks like the board is lighting up!

Ben Um…

Sammy What’s up? Okay, it can’t be any crazier than what we just heard, Ben.

Ben Line One, Sammy.

Sammy Welcome to King Falls AM, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Line 1 [female, almost sounds automated] Good evening, Sammy—

Sammy Do I know you ma'am?

Riley — please hold for Mayor Grisham.

Ben He… Probably just wants us to— mark these tapes as, evidence. *nervous laugh* Right, Sammy?

Sammy Or burn them.

Riley Sammy Stevens, Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor?

Mayor Grisham Sammy… Ben.

Sammy You’re on live on King Falls AM, sir.

Mayor Grisham [commanding] Take me off and go to break. We need to chat.

Sammy No can do. Ben says we aren’t scheduled for break for another- uh- at least ten minutes.

Mayor Grisham Ben. Cut. To. Commercial.

Ben Uh- uh- uh- the thing is- I- I- I can’t- do that. Sir.

Mayor Grisham [threateningly pleasant] You boys want to talk live on air? We can talk live on air.

Sammy [challenging] Nothin’ to hide on this end of the phone, Mayor Grisham.

Mayor Grisham I hear your snide remarks, Sammy. I’ve read the transcripts.

Sammy Which! let’s be honest, is pretty weird. We’re a late night AM talk show, why are you bothering with us?

Mayor Grisham Oh, I don’t bother with you. I try to keep up to date with all the local news and entertainment. I gotta say, I was really happy a big city radio guy decided to come play host at our little radio station.

Sammy Well, I’m more than happy to—

Mayor Grisham I wasn’t finished… But I have to say, I’m a little less than thrilled with [accusingly] all the excitement you brought with you.

Sammy I’d hardly call reporting the news “excitement”, sir—

Mayor Grisham It’s interesting to me that I don’t see Channel 13 breaking these crazy stories.

Ben [quickly] No offense, your honor, but those idiots don’t know their a[bleep]holes from their elbows.

Mayor Grisham And you boys being on site when these “events” happen? [softly, still accusing] It’s a little bit of a coincidence don’t you think?

Sammy Are you insinuating that we are staging these events, Mayor?

Mayor Grisham I’m stating facts. I’m sure your ratings are way, way up there since all these sensational events seem to coincide with your broadcast. Why do you think that is? Furthermore, I mean who’s up listening to you at this ungodly hour of the night?!

Sammy Seemingly most of the town, Sir. As well as whomever you’ve hired to keep an ear on us.

Mayor Grisham I’ve tried to be nice about this… And I tried to be civil… but I think it’s about time that you troublemakers changed formats. No more of this funny business. It’s not good for the listeners. It’s not good for the residents. And honestly? it’s not good for me. I don’t appreciated being painted in this light, gentlemen.

Sammy Oh! You mean the light where you as a public service,[sic] try to quell the voice of the people.

Ben It’s not your right to tell us what we can and can’t report on, sir. All due respect.

Mayor Grisham [rudely] All due respect, Ben Arnold. Just a couple of months ago you were digging up old records on eBay for Chet Sebastian to run on about. Now you’re a media star?? That’s worrisome! Seems you fellas have All the reasons in the world to fabricate these issues, and I have to say I’m not gonna sit here and listen to this, while you LIE TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF KING FALLS.

Sammy Well, when we start “fabricating” and “making things up,” you can come throw the book at us. But until then- [click, dial tone] Whoops! Looks like you just got disconnected. I’d wait for you to give us a call back and all, but with it not being an election year I probably shouldn’t hold my breath.

Ben Line One iiis lit up again, Sammy.

Sammy [insincerely] Oh, sorry about that Mayor! I must have fabricated accidentally dumping your call when-

Esther Rollens [heavy metal music in bg] [voice old and wavering] Did you boys fund a lavender ball of yarn in there? Been looking for it all week! [click, dial tone]

Ben [shaken] Sammy, I think that commercial might do us some good right now.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Coachella - The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (commonly called Coachella or the Coachella Festival) is an annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Coachella Valley in the Colorado Desert.

[2] Reference to the TV game show Jeopardy!

[3] I honestly can’t tell if he’s saying “honest engine” or “honest injun” but i’mma go with the one that’s technically incorrect but also not super racist.

[4] Barney Fife - Deputy from the Andy Griffith Show. Calling a police officer or authority figure "Barney Fife" has become an American slang term for gross ineptitude or overzealousness.

[botanyshitposts]

Please tell us more stories about the corn!!

brief preface: i live in iowa, one of the united states’ largest producers of corn (as in maize for those overseas), and worked at a corn breeding research facility. these guys are in charge of creating new lines of seed for farmers to grow; i took the job because it was the only plant science-related job i could, and it sucked but it wasn’t the worst job ive ever had and i made bank because it sucked and no one wanted to do it. there were two parts to this job: data collection and pollination. i wrote out a huge thing on the details of these and then decided it was too long and rambly so imma just gonna skip that stuff and get to the Weird Liminal Space Corn Stories:

-for data collection, our job was to take plant an ear hights in fields all around iowa, meaning that we would get to work in the morning and they would load us up into transit vans and drive us out to a random small town with a test field for testing. once we got there, we had 16-foot-tall wooden measuring sticks we would unfold and bring into the field with us, and the instructions from there were simple: 2 people on each side of the breeder. you measure the line of corn behind you by sticking ur stick next to an average looking plant and reading off first how far up on the plant the first ear of corn was, then reading off how far the base of the flag leaf was. then, you turn around to face the line of corn behind you, and while youre turning around and sticking your measuring stick into the ground on that side your partner reads there numbers, you read your second line of numbers, your partner reads their second line, and then you walk into the nearest alley and march up two lines of corn while the people on the other side of the breeder go. you read the two data points on one side. your partner reads and u turn around. you read the data points behind you. your partner does. while you are going, your breeder is walking up the field typing in the numbers on a data logger and the other team is walking up two rows. once you reach the end of the field, your breeder stops you, you walk two plots down and turn the other direction. you read off your data points, ect, you do that all the way down the field. you do this for hours until your set is done. all told, once your team of 5 people gets oriented and going, it should sound like this to you:

stick. 65, 102. turn. stick. 68, 104. pick up stick. walk down two rows. stick. 85, 102. turn. stick. 84, 103. pick up stick. walk down two rows. ect. you have to annunciate yourself and not talk to your teamates so the breeder can hear you through the corn. on windy days, you have to shout. you dont have time to stop and talk; you actually barely have time to do anything but focus on the manual task of number, turn, number, walk, number, turn, number, walk. when we were done, we would come out covered in sweat and dirt with our sticks, pile in the transit van, and drive like, the 2-3 hours back. work days were about 9 hours with 5 in the field, meaning that you worked 40 hours a week and could do overtime on weekends doing pollination (which was actually really fun). 

-no headphones. at first i thought that rule was stupid, but like, once you enter a cornfield you realize that this is because 1. if someone is screaming your name you need to be able to hear and 2. corn touches everything; when you’re in the corn, there is always something touching you. we wore special hats with veils, long pants, long shirts, eye protection, and closed toed shoes because the corn leaves are sharp and will cut you up; i have scars from this. your headphones would get ripped out within like, .3 seconds, because like corn just snags and slices up everything. 

-one time, on the hottest day of the summer, we were doing the number-turn-number-walk routine and heard someone yelling for our breeder guy. he stopped us short and called back, and like, this is the scary part about cornfields: like i said in the tags of that one post, corn swallows up sound more than anything. it’s impossible to tell where you are and impossible to hear anything, even if you scream, so its best to stay close to your team unless your doing solo work, and if you’re doing solo work like, for the love of god, keep walking in the direction youre supposed to be walking until you’re finished. trust that theres something on the other side, even if you cant see it. but anyway; hes yelling, and shes yelling, and suddenly she bursts through the corn after searching for us and says that this one kid is having a seizure. queue both of them running out of the corn and we’re just standing there. eventually we hear one of the other breeders yelling “___’s group, where are you?!” and we’re like “over here! we’re over here!” and put our sticks up, and the other breeder comes into the alley and we keep doing data points. we had like, 6 kids go home that day because of how hot it was (over 100 degrees) and we ended up not finishing the field because they decided it wasnt safe for us to work anymore. (also, kid was predisposed to seizures and they took him home, he was fine and came back to work a couple days later)

-i kind of talked about this in the tags of that other post, but i think the scariest day was the day we were in a test field a little ways away from the research center. it was kind of stormy but we were like ok whatever, we’ve gotten rained on before with no problem, queue us starting the data collection for the day. its…..really windy. like. i wish i could recreate that feel in art or something or even film it someday, because 1. when the wind blew, the whole field-which, remember, this is our whole world when we’re in there because you can’t see anything but corn in every direction- moved. like, bended, which is typical of corn because like yeah duh it does that, but its like if you were standing in a hallway and suddenly all the walls bent with the wind and so did the cieling. it was that disorienting; i actually stumbled a few times because the only steady thing was the ground and 2. it was loud, like a weird roar in the background. everything is rustling all around you at once. we had to scream our numbers for the breeder to hear us, and when i moved my measuring stick would catch the wind and drag me back a little. then, we heard thunder in the distance. our breeder was like “okay guys we’re gonna finish this field because we’re only like 4 ranges away from the road” and we’re like ok yeah, 40 plots, we can do this. the wind picked up, we kept moving at like twice the pace to get out of there, and when we reached the end it was really close and our breeder was like “come on we have to go now” and we like, picked up our sticks and ran through the corn bending around us with the thunder and everything, can i say midwestern gothic because ive never experienced midwestern gothic more than 4 teenagers with corn sticks and a dude with a data logger running through a discombobulating corn haze at 11am with thunder rolling in. we get to the edge of the field, scramble over the barbed wire fence because we are not running through the rest of the field. in a hot second more teams emerge from the field at various speeds just as it starts storming. we pack up our sticks. our team of four gets in our breeder’s pickup truck and we drive back in the rain. it was a look guys ngl

-throwback to when i just finished doing solo tagging of the ranges in the corn in a field three hours away from the research center. our breeder said to meet him back at the truck when we were done, so when i reach the end of the field having stapled on tags for around 100 ranges (about ten minutes of walking and stapling alone in a single line; these tags will help orient harvesting in the fall), i turn around and start heading straight back, because like again, when you’re in the corn alone its best to know exactly where you are and the way out is always a straight line. i start following my tagging trail back. about five minutes into walking i hear rustling near me. y’all, i was not ready, started jogging and checking behind me and after a little bit i slow down because i feel like i lost whatever it was. rustling continues like its following me. hellno.jpg, not today, i run out of the corn into the alley on the other side, decide i must have imagined it, and start walking towards the truck. as it turns out it was another one of the guys who didn’t know where to go, saw me from his row, and was following me to find his way out of the corn. almost died that day y’all

-occasionally we would visit fields to do brittle snap count, which is lining up, walking a plot, stopping, and yelling out how many broken stalks of corn we counted in the plot we just walked through, then continuing. the whole thing is that farmers understandably hate it when all their corn breaks and dies. we went to this one field that had been hit by a wind storm; it was a really hot day and we were all like dying. this is where my aforementioned scarring comes in. in cornfields, there exists a thingy called corn rash. this is where the corn hits your skin so much that it makes tiny cuts all over you, and then pollen from said corn gets in the cuts along with sweat. it is the worst time i have ever experienced in my life like literally nope would not recommend. eventually we realized that half this field of test crop was broken. like, we stopped counting the amount of plants with broken stems and instead started counting the amount of plants still standing. i was wearing all the protection i needed/that was required (so was everyone else), but it was so hot that literally all of us had corn rash and i was bleeding, big yikes. eventually our super nice breeder for the day realized that we were Struggling™ and was like ok listen we’re going back this isn’t worth it and all the corn is literally dead inexplicably anyway and then took us to get gas station ice cream after bc she felt bad for us lmao, a blessing

-talked to the breeders a lot and asked a ton of questions. learned that sunflower breeding is a thing that happens and that they’re bred to be larger to bear more seed for like, those bags of sunflower seeds you see at gas stations. the more u know

-zoo corn

-the corn in the pollination fields (the corn being bred into pure, genetically identical lines for testing….*insert Corn Discourse Concerning Loss Of Genetic Diversity Here But Not Gonna Talk About It In This Post Bc Its Already Super Long*) gets really weird mutations that i’ve talked about before

-this post got so long im sorry

tl;dr: corn is a terrifying liminal space

[seanpatricklittlewriter]

The Movie Post

Greetings and salutations, true believers. I haven’t posted anything in a while other than shameless book promotion stuff for #FourthAndWrong, and for that I apologize. I always say I’d let you know if anything good happened immediately, but nothing good has happened. The new book is out. A few people who have read it told me they liked it. It’s not selling well. Lack of sales means a lack of reviews, which only helps it not sell faster. It’s all a vicious cycle. At a certain point, you have to remember that you’re only writing books because some tiny voice in your head won’t let you stop, and you just throw your hands up and let everything else fall as it may. For the first time, I’ve actually bothered to try real advertising. I’m giving advertising on the Kindle lock screens a go. I’ll let you know if actually works.

 In the meantime, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts while puttering around the house, going for walks, and ignoring the gym. (I gotta stop ignoring the gym…) If you haven’t watched “Ted Lasso” on AppleTV yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s one of the best shows I’ve watched in a long time. Great writing. Great characters. Great story. Very uplifting and wonderful. One of the show’s writers, creators, and stars, the wonderful Brett Goldstein (who plays the gruff Roy Kent on the show), has a podcast called “Films to Buried With.”

 I started listening to his podcast because I enjoy him on the show so much, and I’ve found out that I enjoy his podcast as much as the show. He’s a genuinely sweet man, and he gets comedian and actor friends to guest on his podcast. The show’s conceit is that Brett invites guests on, tells them they have died, and then gets them to relive their life through the films that meant something to them. It’s a fun little chat show, and a solid way to waste an hour while you’re getting through doing the dishes or mowing the lawn.

 It’s precisely the sort of podcast I would love to be on. I’ve always said you can judge your level of success by what people invite you to do. I always said I’d know if I “made it” if I could ever get invited to be on one of the podcasts I enjoy, rather than trying to wrangle my way into someone else’s podcast or blog. So far— this has not happened. That should tell you what level of success I’m stuck at. I don’t get invited to the movies by my imaginary friends. But Brett encourages people to share their ideas and opinions on social media, anyhow. It’s a fun way to play along at home, tell other people about the podcast, and start conversations around your favorite movies. Stories bind us together. They give us common ground and build bridges toward strengthening relationships. If you meet someone new, you can tell if you’ll get along with them by what films they enjoy. So in that spirit, I’d like to answer the questions Brett asks his guests by discussing a few of my favorite films. If you’d like to play along in the comments, please do. I always love reading about what other people think about movies, books, or music. I won’t bother going through the death/afterlife conceit he uses, but I recommend listening to a few of his podcasts if you enjoy this sort of thing. It’s a fun little premise he uses to generate the episodes.

 --What’s the first film you remember seeing?

         I remember bits and pieces of several films from my childhood. I remember the Muppet Movie in the theater. I remember seeing The Black Hole. I remember a lot of little chunks of a lot of Disney animated films. But the movie that sticks out in my head is “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” It was 1981. I was six. I remember going to see it on a Sunday matinee with my family. I remember it was packed. People were literally sitting on the floor in the aisles. We got three seats someplace, but I remember my dad having to sit in the row in front of us. I don’t remember a ton about the movie the first time I saw it other than being scared of the pit of snakes and the melting Nazi faces. However, I remember the iconic moment when Harrison Ford pulled the gun on the swordsman and shot him. I remember the audience reaction and thinking, “That’s a hero.” I’ve long been a Harrison Ford fan. Between Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he played two of the most iconic heroes of my childhood. When I wrote the TeslaCon novels, I made no secret that my protagonist, Nicodemus Clarke, was just a shallow rip-off of Indiana Jones. It’s funny, but to this day, in my head, if you ask me what a hero looks like, it’s always going to be Harrison Ford.

  --What’s the scariest film you’ve ever seen?

          The scariest film I’ve ever seen is Kevin Smith’s “Red State.” It’s a movie about a religious cult that’s very reminiscent of the Westboro Baptist Church, David Koresh/Waco compound, or any of the other extremely far-right Christian separatist movements. It’s scary because there are many, many of these gun-hoarding compounds, and the movie, while extreme, is not too far off from possibility. Michael Parks plays the leader of the family at the heart of the film, and his performance was award worthy. He was truly terrifying.     As an aside, prior to Red State, I always told people the movie that scared me the most was the original “The Amityville Horror.” Basically, I saw the scene where the poltergeist made the drop-sash window fall on the kid’s fingers and nearly sever them, and that was it. I had the same drop-sash windows in my bedroom, and I was scared of them from then on. I’d like to say that I outgrew my fear of drop-sash windows, but I’m 46 and they still skeeze me out when I see them. A movie I saw 40 years ago warped me forever.

  --What’s the movie that made you cry the most?

         I used to not be someone who cried at movies. However, years of thyroid issues and depression have messed with my response to emotional moments, so I do get teary nowadays at movies. Emotionally speaking, it’s not sad movies that get to me. It’s movies where someone overcomes something difficult. Especially sports movies. The ones that get me the most teary-eyed now are movies like the first “Rocky,” “Hoosiers,” “Miracle,” and “Rudy.” I also get teary-eyed at points of bravery to the point of stupidity. The best example of that is the climax and denouement of “How to Train Your Dragon.” Strangely enough, when a movie does something that is supposed to be a tear-jerker moment to the point that it panders to the audience, I don’t cry— I actually get angry. Anything Nicolas Sparks has ever had his name attached to, for instance. It’s maudlin, and it doesn’t deserve our respect.

  --What the film that made you laugh the most?

       This is not going to be a popular answer. If I was a little more erudite, I’d say something like “Airplane” or “Blazing Saddles” or “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” However, I didn’t see any of those in the theater originally. I was home, watching them on video. While they were funny and some of my favorite movies, I did not really do a ton of laughing while I saw them. I went to see “BASEketball” with my sister, and the theater was packed. Something about seeing a movie in a crowded theater heightens the emotional impact of jokes, and for whatever reason, that movie put me on the floor a couple of times. It’s a silly movie full of cheap laughs, but I remember hurting as I was leaving the theater. My sides and cheeks were sore. Second on that list was the movie “Bridesmaids.” I don’t think I’ve laughed harder at any movie than the scene where they all get diarrhea in the bridal shop. Especially Melissa McCarthy: “LOOK AWAY!”

  --What is the sexist film you’ve seen?

         For me, I will never forget seeing “Bachelor Party” on HBO at a friend’s house. Monique Gabrielle’s scene is probably the first time I saw full-frontal female nudity in a film. It burned itself into my brain. I probably have a thing for redheads to this day because of that scene. The rest of the movie is very wild and funny. It was one of the launching blocks for Tom Hanks’s ridiculously amazing career. But that one moment stands out as one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen.

  --What film did you used to love, but now it’s not that great?

         Pretty much anything with “Rocky” in the title and a number following it. I still enjoy them, but Rocky III and IV, especially— not that good. I used to love them. I used to watch them whenever they hit TV, but now I only need to watch the first “Rocky,” and maybe the final fight in “Rocky II.” Anything else, I can leave out. They just feel a little overclocked at this point in my life.

  --What’s a film that people and critics panned, but you enjoyed?

        “Goon.” It’s a hockey film written by Jay Baruchel and starring Seann William Scott. It didn’t get wide release—almost straight-to-video. It didn’t get great reviews. I think Metacritic has it around 60%. But something about that movie hit me, and I love it. I suggest it to people all the time. It’s got great performances. It’s a solid flick. It’s not going to overwhelm you. It’s now one of my comfort films. When I’m bored and need something on in the background, I will often choose “Goon” or its sequel, “Goon: Last of the Enforcers.” The sequel was not as good as the original, but it’s still worth a watch. Kurt Russell’s son Wyatt is the villain in the sequel. He’s extremely good.

  --What’s a film that people love, but you hate?

        Hands down: “Avatar” or “Titanic.” Something about a lot of James Cameron films just don’t work with me. I think it’s because they’re too grandiose. They try too hard. Also, the scripts are just there to get him to the big, visual set-pieces. They’re thin on both character and plot. I can’t stand either of them.

  --What’s a film that means a lot to you, but it’s not because of the quality of the movie (i.e. you saw it with someone and it’s special, or it has importance to people around you, etc…)?

       Easily, “The Man From Snowy River.” This is a family favorite. I grew up watching this flick, and I made my daughter watch it when she was younger. I will never get tired of it. I probably watch it maybe three or four times a year. There’s just something about the cinematography of the climax when Jim goes down the mountainside on Denny’s back. It’s always breath-taking. Also, if you watch “The Man From Snowy River,” you see what my dad always wanted his life to be. Most boys’ fathers want their sons to be doctor or lawyers. My dad wanted me to be a cowboy.

  --What film do you relate to the most?

        “Clerks.” I saw “Clerks” when I was a senior in high school. Rented it from a local video store. I saw two dudes who were outliers in their social group working crappy jobs and dealing with the mundane nothingness of life. It hit me right in the gut. I resolved to do something better than that. So far, I’ve failed to do so, but I keep trying.

  --Empirically speaking, what is the best film? (Not necessarily favorite film— but what film do you think is the best film ever made?)

         I have to say it was “Lawrence of Arabia.” The casting was amazing. The cinematography was incredible, unrivaled, really. The story was excellent. And the ordeal of the entire filming process was without peer. What they went through to make that movie, hands down, makes it the best film ever made. The scope of the film alone is mind-boggling.  The Lord of the Rings trilogy is a close second, but that’s technically three films, so I went with Lawrence of Arabia.

  --What film have you seen the most?

         I have watched “The Muppet Movie” a ton. I still love the movie “Roxanne.” I have also seen “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” and “The Quiet Man” more than any single person probably should. If I had to think about it and pick one film I’ve seen more than other…it’s probably “Meatballs.” Growing up, my sister and I watched that flick a thousand times. I can probably recite it from memory. It’s also one of the films that cemented an undying loyalty to Bill Murray.

   --And finally: You die and go to heaven. And in heaven, they ask you to pick one film that summarizes your life, one film that makes people understand you, or a film you want people to watch to help them know you better. What is that film?

         Nothing has had more influence on my life than the movie “Ghostbusters.” It defined me in several ways: my love for comedy, my love for the paranormal, and my love for snark and snappy comebacks. I loved Ghostbusters so much that I watched it on a weekly basis. I ran the audio cables from our VCR to a tape deck and recorded an audio copy of the film to play on my Walkman while I road the bus to school every day. I still have the film memorized word-for-word. I will often let my eyes go a little weird and turn to my daughter and say, “Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him, that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!” To know me is to understand Ghostbusters on a molecular level. I owe that movie a lot.

  Anyhow, this was a fun way to waste my night. I encourage you to play along. Answer some or all of the questions Brett asks his guests. I highly recommend listening to a few episodes of “Films to Be Buried With” on your favorite podcatcher app. And if anyone out there knows Brett Goldstein, please let him know I’m available to guest on his podcast. Until next time—Thanks for reading.

--Sean

[ithisatanytime]

   You know it has to be said, i reached out to skye because i felt like i was losing my mind, but not in the “im so stressed out” kind of way, because i literally lost my fucking mind for three months, bouts of complete psychosis, mania, absolutely lost touch with reality. it was the scariest most surreal experience of my life, and i have nothing to compare it to, and i cant even really talk about it because no one really has a frame of reference for this kind of shit, not even me. she was the only one who called back, i reached out to a lot of people, and nothing. even though we hadnt spoken for ten years, and back then the kind of shit we were putting each other through is just unbelievable, a lot of regret and resentment on both sides, yet she called me back.

  there is something special about her, i cant believe this fucking happened. i wish either we just didnt get the chance to talk that day, when i was losing my goddamn mind, or i wish i would have just stayed in the dream. what the fuck is the point of waking up from that nightmare the day after we stop talking again? just in time to deal with the shame and regret of what i said to her, luckily i dont remember most of it, i could go back and read the texts but man i cant even stomach it.

  it wasnt all the phenibut. my estrogen being out of control for a good four months or so played a part, but i have always struggled with anger issues. i definitely learned to manage it better in my mid twenties, to the point that i only really lost my temper a handful of times, when i was dating laura and that was pretty much it, but even that shocked me and filled me with shame. again though, a few incidents over the course of a decade is definitely progress. but the phenibut rage is its own fucking animal, maybe estrogen rage or a combo of the two i just dont know. i woke up furious, i was shouting from my room, they could hear me, all i could do was keep myself in my room but i was yelling so loud they could hear me for sure. they basically cleared out of the house. i was yelling at everyone, my grandpa even for god sake, he doesnt live with us, but i love my grandpa with all my heart, again caroline polachek from chairlift, etc.

 i very briefly got a hold of myself, i think because skye had texted me or something, i quickly left my room to try to make ammends, i told my sister i hope she didnt hear any of what i was saying, i started to explain that it was just the phenibut withdrawal and she stopped me saying she knew, she had read quite extensively about it. early on in this thing, when i realized suddenly i was physically dependent on phenibut, just how much phenibut i was on, and what that meant for me, i was destroyed. my sister was the only person i could confide in, and she could see how scared i was. i knew that my behavior was about to become erratic to say the least, that our living situation wasnt well suited for what was going to happen, that it would make me feel crazy, make everyone think i was crazy, make us hate each other. frankly i was certain i wasnt going to make it this time, i had gotten myself in over my head. i also knew my behavior would make it nearly impossible for my family not to go to the system for help, but i knew from my own research that the system really cant help with high gram per day phenibut dependence. the end result would almost certainly be a medically induced coma, and intubation, the outcome of which we all knew from my mothers experience being put into a medically induced coma and contracting pneumococcal pneumonia was not a very good option. so she just read and read and read, because she loves me. my mom on the other hand shouted from the other room “is he being dangerous?” to which my sister responded “NO!”  she said “im calling the cops” and suddenly the rage started coming back again. it was literally like static electricity crackling along my back and arms, all my hair stood on end, the hair on my head, the hair on my arms and legs, like a cat i guess. i told her to call them and id be ready for them when they got here, she picked up the phone and started dailing, i watched her, and then she put it down.

 it was at this point that skye called me. i dont remember what exactly sparked it, to be honest, i think that phone conversation was pretty tame except for my energy.i remember shouting that i needed a cigarette in a demonic sounding voice before hanging up on her, i briefly remember asking her “what do i have?” because since that dude killed himself, and she was married in florida, the last ten years of my life have been a joke pretty much. and then i just destroyed my room, i needed to destroy something, i prayed literally for something to destroy, and i remembered that dresser i got from the super market and just started punching it, which was awesome because it was rigid plastic so it exploded into shards, very satisfying. i punched it into a million pieces. i threw the pieces, then proceeded to punch every framed piece of “art” in my room, chuck stuff around, basically throw a tantrum. i was not really myself here, i dont do this. ive literally only ever destroyed one thing in a fit of rage, and it was a portable cd player when i was like 13 and i regretted it immediately. i proceeded to text vile things to skye, the sweetest person ive ever known, eventually i fell asleep. when i woke up literally surrounded by debris, i still needed a cigarette and proceeded to just pick up where i left off, just kicking debris off my bed, throwing shit, its like i had fucking rabies. but i managed to roll a cigarette finally and that calmed me down IMMENSELY.

 the next day, i took my usual dose of phenibut in order to continue tapering, i forget where we were at, but we started at thirty grams per day, which is fucking absurd, i cant find another example of anyone using that much phenibut for that long, but we got quite low. the dose hit me very weird, and i got “stuck on my bed” where i was standing on my matress, without any sense or consciousness i guess, for around seven hours. the clock on my laptop froze at 1:19 AM when i picked it up with one hand and crunched something internally, and when i came to my senses still standing on the bed, the birds were chirping and the sun was up. from that day, i couldnt really feel the phenibut at all anymore. no more cartoon vision, no more rage, no more waking up like a scared child, unable to recognize my own room or remember anything about my life. just nothing. this also correlated with the time my aromatase inhibitors arrived finally so my estrogen was being brought back into check. it was like waking up finally from a dream. to be honest, i despise it.  i dont care about the shame, the regret, the people i hurt. if me and skye arent talking anymore, and the only time we talked in ten years was when i was at my absolute lowest and meanest, fuck it. i want back in the dream, or in the ground. i just cant handle that.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

Biting down is a song that played a lot in 2017-18 ; sometimes i would play it on a loop for an hour. it was comforting in a weird sense. it was probably the first lorde song I attached to, and one of the first songs that reflected what was real for my experience.

Things really heated up once the tarot reader brought the painting of her to my house in July 2016.

I started using a pendulum regularly in August 2016 at the her suggestion, right after she brought me the painting, and if you knew me back in the day, you knew whatever she told me, I followed like a religion. I brought the pendulum everywhere I went, basically becoming reliant on it for decision making. I didn't quite understand, but I knew I felt a very deep resonance with divination work, and I definitely felt a presence with me. Once I felt it, I wanted it all the time.

I have that on tape. There are many, many, many tapes.

I have that on tape. There are many, many, many tapes.

You might say that spirit prompted me to start taping everything around me right when this started, in 2016. Well, actually, right after that rape. The rape that didn't make any sense at all.

The week before that, I was sent to the ER because they thought my appendix was bursting. They did every test under the sun. They couldn't explain what was happening, just that my womb was under attack. I was there for 9 hours.

Later on, I would find out the TR had been paid to do several hexes on me; one of them was a stomach/womb hex.

The TR and I had a 3 hour conversation right when things were getting intense, on September 2nd. We were on skype; she had moved to Chicago the month before. On my birthday of that year, Jan 3rd, when she was at my house, she had told me that the baby that Jakk & I had terminated wanted to talk to me, and that I needed to keep a candle for "her" and talk to her.

Well a lot of this call in September is about the fact that I was carrying the candle everywhere with me, that I never wanted to leave it alone, as if it was a physical child. I talked a lot about my grief.

As I';m writing this, "so long you pretty thing" by spiritualized is playing. ive got the picture that i use as a symbol of my spirit child next to me, which is a boy, btw, not a girl, like the TR said. My eyes started to tear up at writing the word "grief" because it just made me think of everything they put me through. I literally can feel all the spirits around me in a circle. We've got you, one of them said. "

The night of that September call, I had a dream about the baby. In it, the name Louise Sutton kept being repeated, and there was a young black girl whose voice became replaced by something haunted and robotic, and me in a basement with no windows folding clothes. it was one of the scariest dreams I ever had. The salon master was a psychoanalyst, who scrambled the letters of her name and got "you lose a ton".

The very next day after the dream, I started to use the pendulum, shook up....and then I was told the baby was holding on to my leg.

And then that it was on my lap.

And then it started to talk to me.

And then i started to crack.

I was supposed to be in the hotel to make money for Italy, where the TR had insisted I go with her "life partner", a Jungian analyst/astrologer on a trip she was leading women on in a few weeks (They're playing George Harrison's "dark horse" btw). Well in between sessions, all I could do was ask the pendulum questions. And at some point, I asked about how Blond felt about me.

And the pendulum said that she hated me.

Which blew my mind. I didn't hate her; I asked about how she was doing in pretty much every session I had with the TR. I always have this empathic yearning to be close to mysterious girls, and because Jakk clearly thought she was some sort of Venus, I wanted to know her. I think I spent an hour that day, asking questions. And then, it was day in, day out. I hunkered down in that hotel room, not working, but talking to a pendulum for a solid two weeks, being communicated with by my "baby", and hearing about Blond and Jakk, all about how Jakk wanted to leave Blond and be with me, about how Blond was having affairs, how she found an email I sent him and punched him in the face, how he was thinking about me all the time, and that we would be together by New Years.

And then the baby started to tell me, that because jakk and I loved each other so much, and the baby missed us so much, that she would come back to us. All we had to do was get pregnant, and the baby that we gave up, that I had been lighting candles for ....

*for 9 months*........

was coming back to us.

I stopped seeing my friends, and answering the phone, all i wanted was to get answers from the pendulum. and then one day I was told Blond had a gun, and she was outside my house, because Jakk had packed a bag that morning, and told her he was leaving her for me. It was a friday night, and my best NYC friend was having a party, and I was like "i can't leave, blond has a gun and they say I need to stay inside". I was petrified. As the hours went by, I was told Jakk had gone to their apartment to get her away from my house, and then I was told she shot Jakk. In the leg.

I didn't sleep that whole night. I spent the night listening to "their conversations" , of Jakk in the hospital and Blond texting him non-stop., threatening with suicide. It was literally the most terrifying night of my life, up to that point. Next to maybe the night I was hit. Then it went into that Jakk was pressing charges against her, because that's the thing that would keep her safest.

And then he was coming to me.

On that Saturday, I went and bought two cups of coffee, one for him and one for me. meanwhile the baby is talking about how we're going to be a happy family. I spent the next 6 hours cleaning my house, and then I got a text from Jakk:

"Entirely imagined."

I cracked so hard like you have most likely never in your life. I walked down the street in a daze, walked over to the park, and collapsed against a tree.

The next day, when I was at Variety, getting coffee, someone was holding a baby, and the baby smiled and reached out for me, and I...

well imagine if you spent the last 9 days, thinking you're talking to your unborn child, and your boyfriend is coming back to you after thinking he's shot, and then a baby smiles at you.

I had even called my mom and my analyst, and told them he had been shot.

But back to the pendulum.

My best friend instructed me strictly to not bring the pendulum with me to Italy. I didn't. Btw...isn’t it interesting that both this astrologer and the TR haven’t said a word to me since my last “tarot reading” with her in Dec 2016?

But the moment I got back to Brooklyn, I told Steel (yes, in a taped phone call) that I felt a scary presence. And as soon as I got off the phone with him, I picked up the pendulum, and started asking questions.

"Well......okay....but what does that have to do with Biting Down?"

I'm so glad you asked. I was in Italy from Sept 18-25. I got home 11 days before my niece died. In fact, in one of those first phone conversations with my mom, I told her how I had bought my nieces and nephew a postcard, which i didn't send, and that I was going to come to Chicago, because I really needed to see Stella. The others didn't really know me, but Stella..well, she was my other. But even before her death, I was using the pendulum non-stop, because I was asking questions trying to understand what had happened to me, and what it all meant.

Then from the moment she died, I never was without. I slept with it. I walked with it. Sometimes i Showered with it.

and then slowly, over time, I was told to masturbate with it.

That that way I could “help” Psychic Jakk, who was also now talking to me through it. Or so I Thought.

And that's what got me into trouble.

Eventually, about five months later, it became internal. I could feel something moving inside of me. Front, back. Circles clockwise. Counterclockwise. First, it was in the torso & stomach (this is where the hex comes in) , and then, my jaw started to move. Then my teeth started to clench to stop the movement, because it was involuntarily. And then I was either biting down, or my jaw was moving in circles. I started clenching my teeth through the night. Sometimes I would wake up, and my jaw would be moving. Sometimes the inside of my body would be moving so much, that I would hyperventilate. Sometimes I would wake from a dream of the devil. My mouth started bleeding during the night from clenching so hard, which they still do (For the record, modern day, I still have to unclench my teeth probably 100 times a day).

And *that* is how I came to understand that I had something inside of me. This is the story of Biting Down.

[hobslobster-remade]

Get to Know Me!

Tagged by ms hilly aka @girl-meets-disrespect  merci madame

How tall are you?

5’ 4 maybe? i really dont know i should check bc i always half ass this question

What color are your eyes?

as basic as can be : dark brown

Do you wear contacts and / or glasses?

glasses bc contacts are scARY

Do you wear braces?

sigh...i might need to...

What is your fashion style?

lmao i dont have one ever since i entered my uniformed high school ive lost all mu understanding of how to dress myself

When were you born?

2003 

How old are you?

15

Do you have any siblings?

one (1) older brother but hes basically 3 in one i hate him alkufd

What school / college do you go to?

uhh i kinda dont wanna answer this. i just go to a highschool here in canadIA 

What kind of student are you?

over achiever. perfectionist. still a failure at most things tho asjjdsjk

What are your favorite subjects?

arT YES, thats rlly it. i used to like english but hah not anymore thanks high school

What are your favorite movies?

i rlly rLLY like the truman show, harry potter obviously, i used to be obsessed with cinderella, and umm speak was a good movie (great book too)

What are your favorite pastimes?

drawing, painting, anything art it helps me so much, reading, writing, folding laundry (repetitive motions help calm me down), scrolling through tumblr like the idiot i am instead of studying, listening to music, singing recreationally (although i sucK )

Do you have any regrets?

i shouldve never come out of the womb i make everyones life a living hell :)

What is your dream job?

i really dont know? i dont like this question, nEXT plEASE

Would you like to get married?

idk, maybe. but like i dont want to marry someone my family doesnt approve of  (aka a girl) so

Do you want kids? How many?

im too young for this pls let me study and watch spongebob in peacE

How many countries have you visited?

ive been to the states, india, mexico, and thats it i think

What was your scariest dream?

once i had a recurring dream for a month straight where someone would chase me and i would be running and i wasnt allowed to stop and right before they caught me i woke up, theres also my teletubby one but thats for some other time

Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend / significant other?

haha

Put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping list the first 15 songs 🎶

Sober - Selena Gomez

Breathe - Lauv

Beautiful - EXO

Paint - Moonmoon

Death of The Bachelor - Panic! At The Disco

Save Myself - Ed Sheeran

As If It’s Your Last - BLACKPINK

Love Yourz - J. Cole

Take It Back - Ed Sheeran (lmao i literally have all of his songs so he might pop up again)

Landfill - Daughter (thank youu @lcthebtswriter)

In Case - Demi Lovato

Growing Pains - Birdy

Like A G6 - Far East Movement

Intro: Boy Meets Evil - BTS (!!!)

Firefly - Ed Sheeran (called it alkufda)

tagging: @hosseokss @religion-agustd