#literally going 'you retards wouldnt get it i guess :/'

[jotx]

i often worry very deeply about how hateful and negative i can be and could at any point fall into a misanthropic mindset but then read shit like this n go oh wait im perfectly fine just need to eat something probably

[poly-girl-knot]

OH BOY THE ANON IS BACK

you are not willing to argue you would rather see me dead I see that but heres some fucking points:

1) Im participating in that kink with trans men who enjoy being fetishesed in this way (only). And Im participating in any kink with people who enjoy paticipating in it with me. I cannot repeat enough that there is always and I repeat always concept present in that. I participate in roleplay which is a sepperate thing from reality. If you cannot distiguish fantasy and reality do you think all theatre plays are real? do you think the actors in Romeo and Juliette actually kill themselves? The minute the other person says "I am not comfortable with [kink] anymore" I stop. ALL of this is fiction between people who like to *imageine* to be in these situations. Most people into non con wouldnt like to be in this situation irl. Most trans men with detrans fetish dont detransition. Once again if you are reading my blog I assume you checked for kinks and if you continue reading it guess what? You give your consent on seeing the posts with this kink. So I only expect consenting people to interact with my posts. These posts are each a fictional narrative. You dont fucking go after people who enjoy playing I dunno Stellaris for liking to exterminate all sentient beings in the galaxy bc its not real life its fiction.

I cannot tell you enough how I participate in consentual roleplay with people and not just go around peoples dms saying stuff like "oh youre actually a woman and I would rape you :3" without them literally asking in text to do so. As soon as they retract their consenst like if they arent horny anymore or dont like the kink anymore I stop participating in the kink.

2) How the fuck am I supposed to know if you can or cannot reclaim a slur. Youre literally on anon. Also I dont get how calling someone a label you can identify with in a degrading way makes any sense. But you do you I guess.

3) You repeatedly told me to commit suicide. You misgendered me, degraded me for being as you put it "retarded", you told me to get a lobotomy. You made bad faith assumptions about me which are not reflective fo my character by interpreting my actions and words in the worst way possible without giving it any actual thought. All of this you say on anon to not have any reprocutions for your actions. Next time you send me anything of the sort Im blocking you and reporting your anon questions for calling me to commit suicide. I am not willing to engage with a person who tells me to commit suicide and misgenders me while "calling me out for misgendering people".

Also Im beggining to suspect you going after me bc Im a trans woman with kinks. Not cool.

[sikereviewdotcom]

strawberry shortcake s2 ep1 - horse of a different color

this one was suggested by someone who couldnt keep their mouth shut and not sing the strawberry shortcake intro theme in the middle of our economy class

no one wanted to hear that, but they  went ahead and then i actually followed up on that train of thoughts i remembered about the fucking cartoons and i knew it pronto: its a must-see shit its like slightly above the level of magical school bus series, but the final rating is for the fin not the beginning so lets begin this horseshit:

were reviewing “horse of a different color”, it focuses indeed on strawberrys horse, honey pie pony (its her entire damn name, how sweet right? like all of them, i got diabete from this review but its the cost of maintaining this blog anyway, the kids are playing together on a that tree having fun jumping around like chimpanzees hooba hooba but sadly our filly quickly realizes she cant play king kong with them and keep falling on her ass,

yet since theyre all retarded or young (id say its a fifty-fifty case for them kinda normal ig, i mean they ARE literal 6yo) they try several ways of getting her up on that tree, not thinking how to get her down if they ever were to succeed (good for them: aint happening) its child labor too btw, from an horse still same deal what if honey pie fell down on them? crushing them corpses with her mighty pounds? the findus company would be delighted to hear such news, im sure its some quality (sweet ass) horse meat

once it all fails she understands a horse isnt meant to climb a tree, too big too fat its four legged, not even entertaining the relationship giraffes have with trees

but it aint over, then (after a talk with herself) hp hears the laughters of a bunch of kids which catches her attention, it always does who can ignore that sorta noise? although she aint annoyed by it shes just into the idea of riding a bike now, shes even gonna get a go at it oh yea thats it we finally found her human hobby gogdamn shes a backward furry

of course it fails aswell since she has no hand for the handle and shes heavy so i guess its the reason why she rides into w/e and cant stop? because otherwise she couldve also just.. actually it makes no sense does it? i mean she couldve easily stopped the ride actually how is that kid bike even holding her? ive never tried putting a pony on a bike for 6 y/o but i doubt about its capacity in not being crushed aswell as i doubt in the kids bones not being severely damaged after a visit under honey pies horsy buttcheeks

but all of that really makes her sad: she cant play with her human friends and shes the only horse around strawberry land or whatever see me tearing it for her, theres so much emotions in this episode especially after that filly trynna get kids to get into some horseplay horseshit like dude theyre only 6, lets go easy on them, might have a problem with the parents of the kids watching this episode no one even thought how fucked up this one part is? sure horseplay isnt only sexual or w/e but it still is the visual of 6yos on all four jumping around and neighing together with their ass a little bit too exposed wow im going on a dangerous road here? aint i? not gonna sue the writers im sure it was their subconscious speaking probably got issues from their childhood, eventually got them sorted out since 2004 what do i know? aside from me not caring

back on track : after seeing horsey being so sad the kiddos decide to get her a horse friend but where the fuck? they got no idea, they are proud nonetheless and go tell honey the good new until they are like “wait but we have no idea where to find horses!” ofc we get a big reveal, some serious strawberry shortcake lore: actually all the horses, ALL OF THEM FROM THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET are on one (1) single island: ice cream themed to diversify it all they are just chilling over there in ponyland and for some reason this one here got lost or idk guys she took the boat and checked the rest of the world out as an even younger filly, found strawberry and her friends and decided now she was a centaur  slash humanrry furry human, idk you get it but shes their friend and so on to introduce the concept of an AWESOME island full of equestrian activity and ofc ice cream but its kinda lame because who cares? everythings already made out of food, also why isnt the ice cream melting? its one water? nevermind for the introduction as i was saying, hp sings an horrendous sounding song it deteriorated my ear drums they got pierced or something  or maybe im exagerrating? either case horses cant sing:

so to the ice cream land they go, huh

of course it wouldnt be a big adventure without an almost broken bridge oh no whatever shall we do? could we possibly cross it safely? lets try it out  guys: yay it worked good for us little stress and suspense it was wack how they got honey pie out of the hole her big ass hoove made im mesmerized by the power of friendship and sugar at this point, just in full awe for the rest of the episode probably over dosed on all the ice cream flavoured horseshit, i got some all over my mouth its dripping on my desk i gotta clean that later

next thing we know: horses its all this episode is about (aside from labor) but you see, so far hp would switch between normal human language and neighing well turns out her other fellow equines can only neigh and so they just neigh together while our english well-spoken mammal translates to the moronic kids who just smile smuggly

of course the animals are having a welcome party then, dancing around while the morons are just bored, harsh one being a cartoon character isnt it guys? w/e theyre gonna ask for honey pie to come back home now, convinced that her natural habit isnt her place and she loves them too much to just leave them and never come back and break any plans they ever had together- oh shit looks like shes leaving forever huh? what a plot twist mark that on the bitch quota for today

the first one to leave is the little boy btw, important thing to note: hes the biggest pussy he cant even face reality: oh no, no more pony back time before sleep thats quite a bummer, downer and man how are they going to survive now they got no animal to watch over them? jesus theyre soon, on the boat (idk where they got it from idk why suddenly theyre on a boat because then theyre once again gonna cross that bridge but ok) anyway yea theyre having a relationship crisis during that ship trip yada yada ah and the bridge, because (see i do not call them morons for now reasons obviously they deserve this title not only because theyre 6 but also because they are just daft:) they proceed, once in the middle of the bridge all 4 of them, to stop and wonder

“will the bridge be able to hold all of us? wont it break? damn i wonder if it will crack” and they talks without moving until vlam: a tree comes and breaks it (dont ask) so now theyre in trouble:

back to ponyland: bitch pie realizes how much she misses her actual friends and that she can speak english which her other horse friends cant do so she is special and probably abnormal, shes a big outcat of the pony society and has no other reason but to escape her incoming death sentence for fraternizing with the humans of course none of the second part is true, she just wants to see the kids again so she says asta la vista baby to the neigher team and runs away see, she hasnt taken the boat and yet also arrive to the bridge? why a boat sequence then? i will skip this for now but it WILL play in the rating, imagine im the parent of the youngster watching this crap and i have to endure it

if it sucks this bad and is this illogical i might just get bored and change the channel, idc my progeny aint gonna be watching this in either case, ill make them watch political debates then interrogate them on what they learned after what but it wasnt actual political debates just random furry youtuber venting with their fursona sprites animated and thats how you make your kids retarded, the kick of this joke is that i aint planning on getting any kids but totally gonna make them watch classics too such as the attack of the killer donuts as soon as they reach 6 so they wont be dumb and probably not getting diabete or w/e in their adulthood

then honey pie saves the kids btw all of them, heavy shit

and they all go back to strawberryland, happily after a big “wow i missed you sm, you are my real friends w/e if you dont look like me i aint speciest guys really!” theyre all vegan too btw so this works for them i havent watched enough strawberry shortcake episodes to know if they ever eat meat but i have doubts seeing how theyre into a very cannibalistic diet which include eating dessert when obviously thats what they are at least half part, this cartoon raises a lot of political questions it may have a deeper value than i first attributed to it

the end: another terrible song plays about horseshit and how tasty it is

thats all folks

so the rating: big 6/10, so you know 5/10 if its a decent kid show where im highly eager to click on the x and get back making jams but nah

surprisingly enough, i only wanted to stop watching half of the episode and not the entirity of it so credits for thats since im an adult and not a kid, imagining kids enjoyed this sweet childish cartooness or w/e now why +1? its because of how many political questions it raised, how it made me think about our society and cakes yknow its more than kids having a conflict with an horse it talks about veganism, specism, handicap, cannibalism, the management of the limited ressources were exploiting and so on yea really makes you think, its subliminal messages to make kids smarter: they watch their dessert-imbecile counterparts doing bs and then get it right irl: good  ah- it also makes it better for you when youre watching this with your kid, you suddenly transcend to another level of spirituality, existential crisis activated or at least reasoning mode or w/e youre willing to name this the point is you arent bored still despite all of this i rated it quite low for such a serious kid cartoon what couldve possibly made me tic? 1) kids are morons and cant understand all of this, not clear enough for the targeted public 2) projection onto the characters/dialogues from the writers of their childhood traumas (the horse play event didnt go unnoticed, karren brown) 3) my little pony ripoff 4) its controversial, our society, especially in 2004 couldnt understand the depth of this shit and finally 5) i got so much ice cream flavoured horseshit all over my desk god help me this is so filthy what a fucking mess i would totally recommand it to anyone who feels like being blown away by the statements made in this work of art 6/10 but really we all know in the future, itll be a 9/10, some ahead-of-its-time-crap

tg, out

[glisteningbones]

why not next talk about my trip to the psych ward

This is also a long story, and a fun one!

So skipping to the hospital:

I was locked in a fucking room, and the lady was like “you need to take off all your clothes and put on the gown.

Well bitch, I’m still having a panic attack and I’m not just gonna get naked. So like, it took a while but eventually after threatening to get security (who was literally just some old dude, so YUCK. Even though I could have easily broken him I didn’t want more cops because I fucking hate police) I managed to get the gown on. It was BULLSHIT too because they were like “oh yea its so you arent hiding any sharp objects” like BITCH YOU METAL DETECTS AND FRISKED ME BEFORE I ENTERED and in ADDITION I can easily hide shit in this gown you dumbass” so that pissed me off. So then like, I had to pee like 20 times that night, each time I had to be escorted by a guy who looked a lot like my friend Glenn from when I worked at DOminos pizza. So then like, I watched the Home Shopping network, which I ADAMANTLY referred to as “the history and science network” and corrected anyone that asked what I was watching. so then ya know, they took my blood, I saw Jesus because she missed the vein and sucked out my actual power levels (which I’m SURE was the point, to weaken me) and I was being a little ham, making jokes, etc. Anyways, my dad was there the whole time and it was annoying because I hate him and he wouldnt leave. SO then like, this WEIRD dude would come in and be like “hey so what we doin” and I’d say “thats YOUR job cowboy” and shoo him away. idk I was nuts. 

So cowboy comes back in and is like “alright the paramedics are on their way” and then these 2 dudes come in. And let me tell you, this part SUCKED. I had to pee AGAIN, but they strapped me into the bed with wheels and took me into the truck. I fell asleep in the struck and had a huge boner because I had to pee (don’t ask because idk) so it was weird. But then I GOT to the second hospital and let me tell you this is where shit went down:

I get airlocked in, and this BIG dude who I SWEAR claimed he wanted to be called Santa Claus comes out from “The Island” and is like “alright here’s your room” and I finally got to piss. But I needed a door, so....

Theres these like, weird “painting” things that we used as doors for the bathrooms. We couldnt have real doors because we were dangerous suicide kids. So like, I didnt KNOW this though, I thought it was just a bathroom painting. I was fully ready to rip this fucking painting off the wall, and use it as a door. Thankfully, that’s what it was for. So I pee, go get my vitals taken by Bry(i?)an. Then, I get to order breakfast WHICH NEVER CAME BY THE WAY FUCK YOU SANTA. and the rest of my meals. I ordered light because I had no idea how this shit worked. Everyone was like “that’s all you want/?” like IDK HOW SHIT WORKS FOOL???

So heres a quick rundown of my experience:

The other kids were all younger, there was only like, maybe 2-3 other kids my age the whole time and I was there for like 5 days. 

One kid turned 18 while he was there, so he just left.

Some of the kids seemed to just LIVE there, which was a terrifying thought

every night we could watch movies, and we had a fucking blast with ratatouille.

The staff, for some reason, did NOT like it when we would get along. Like obviously they didnt want us to fight, but they were kinda pissy when we would be friendly and talk. 

You couldnt exchange contact info or touch anyone, like, no high fives (not even to staff) or anything.

Now for the people, or the characters, since they can’t be real, I don’t believe they exist and I fucking MET them:

Garion “Big Papa” (who was literally like, fuckin, 12? idk): Garion was the FIRST person I met when I got there. I sat next to him at Spiritual Session (watered down religion) and he kept saying shit like “You’re handsome, you’re gonna be mine” like a fucking prisoner claiming me as his bitch. Made me super uncomfortable and feel safe at the same time. Has quotes such as: “It’s over ashy legs, you’ll be my slave!” and “PREPARE FOR EL DRAGON!”

Eric: First thing I heard him say was “I ain’t tryna BE here” in a deep voice. From then on, he was a regular kid. Idk what the fuck was up with that

I forgot his name but he’s the one Garion called “Ashy Legs”: Kid was like, WHITE, like his skin was SO pale, but insisted his dad was black and he was black, therefore could say the N word. None of us cared enough to dispute it, and he was known for being aggressive so especially no reason to dispute it. Liked anime and video games though, was kinda cool I guess.

Jordan: idk she would never eat with us in the “dining hall” which was just the common room. Probably had some anxiety shit going on.

Little african american girl I forgot her name: Hated Blaze, that’s all I can really say about her. She seemed normal idk why she was there. She’d been there the whole time I was there, and I stayed like, the maximum average so.....

Blaze: dude this kid was NUTS. he was like, 12, first night in he SCREAMED and woke everyone the fuck up because he wouldnt like, calm the fuck down idk. No one would explain it that next morning. He was SO insufferable. Like, idk what his issues were but just as a person he was whiny and obnoxious. Like everyone else there was fucked up somehow and could hold a conversation or at least shut the fuck up. I get it I’m not being nice, but he arrived on the night of day 1 and was an ass the whole time, so I don’t really care. You try living with this kid for 4 fucking days in a locked up psych ward. 

THIS ONE TINY KID THAT WAS SO INTENSE: Ok so when I talk about the Psych Ward I usually forget him because he was so small, but this kid like, would NOT talk, and SHIT himself constantly. He was SO small but was clearly like, a bit older. Younger than Garion and them but still not like, a baby idk. I’d say maybe 7??? Anyways, he would shit like, everywhere, and would rarely be let out of his room to do things. I rarely saw him thankfully because he would just, shit, everywhere. 

everyone else was normal. A lot of people were only there for like, a day or so

I also got credit for going to school, and all I had to do was some EASY like, 1st grade level shit. It was a breeze.

The food was good, like, REALLY good.

I also really fell into my depression at times though, and really got into my whole “not having a good mom” thing. Like my mom is better than some out there, but both my parents are just in general shit, like actually. If you’d heard about them like my like, close friends have and heard shit directly from them you’d get it. Anyways, there were a lot of female nurses and I just got reminded how shitty my mom was. I almost asked one of the nurses to sing to me at night, but that would have been weird so I didn’t (like, REALLY weird)

So yea I mean there was a LOT of stuff, and I can always post updates as I remember and care. I wrote it all down in discord somewhere when it happened, but it was like 5 full days. Later I’ll write down everything I saw on the way back, when I forgot my school supplies because my retard dad brought them

[chinxino5-blog]

tw i guess: mental illness

my sisters 21st is on saturday and i dont knwo what to fucking get her, my friends is on thursday and i still have no clue what to fucking get her; i accepted a gift from a friend i probably shouldnt have because it was too much and im sick of having fucking major mood drops

im complaining so much on here about how shit i feel and ive got some pathetic fuckin mood disorder which probs isnt even a thing. ive been feeling good for the whole month and woopdefuckingdoo i have school in eight days, im exhausted, im behind on all my fics and requests, i am so fucking tired and i feel like shit. it comes out of nowhere and it doesnt stay away for long. its going to fucking ruin me this year because it takes away my motivation to do literally everything so i wont be able to fucking study - i tell myself all this shit and fuck myself because if i didnt think about it so much it probably wouldnt even be a fucking thing. this is all just my shitty childish imagination and i use it as an excuse over and over again for everything, im so fucking sick of it but what the fuck do i even do? 

and i say all this shit and my friends send me messages wanting to talk about things and its real sweet n shit but i just feel like ive been throwing a fucking pity party for the past two years its honestly pathetic. but if its not real why does it always reappear once a month, twice a month, for three fucking weeks, and just vanish again like everythings fine and i’ve never been better. i feel like i have cramps. i feel like i cant breathe. my backs sore, my heads sore, everything feels painful whether its in my head or not and i just dont know what to fucking do with myself anymore

im so scared of this year. im so fucking scared. because im gonna be crying most nights and i wont get my shit done, im probs gonna end up not fucking writing because “schools a priority, get your atar” and fuck man i dont want to stop writing its the only thing that really gets me excited anymore

i dont know how to find balance with anything.

mum wasted a gym membership on me because i havent gone all month. im not gonna end up going this year because im stressed. i went running twice and cant get myself fucking up to do it again even though i promised myself i would. i said id do an hour a day of writing and i do fucking nothing. i promised requests and where the fuck are they, dont ask me. i get shitty, and jealous of other creators, and aggressive towards my friends when they make the slightest mistakes. my humour is cruel and contradictory to what i stand for and im the biggest fucking sore loser. im not a fun person and i just want to ignore all the people i know because its a waste of fucking time and i should be writing or exercising or fucking studying because that shits not important im so tired 

im fucking sorry. i dont like talking to people. i hate messaging people myself but i love to talk to the people who message me. im bad at showing appreciation. i never tell anyone im feeling like shit but i always tell them to tell me when they do. and if people message me about this lets be honest im just gonna tell them im fine because i am. im wealthy. im safe. im educated. im not in danger. im not unhealthy. im just fucking crying all the fucking time and i dont want to talk about anything yet i can spill it all on tumblr when i have followers who probs dont want to hear my fucking. pity party. 

to my followers: im sorry to disappoint. i dont have an upload schedule, its always late. i promise to do things and they take weeks until they’re done. i take months between finish requests and go on and on about fics that i wont be able to touch for months and by then who fucking knows i might not even be writing at all. im a really shitty person behind this blog and im so sorry you have to put up with me in order to get the fics i promised. im sorry you have to read this bullshit because i dont have anything else to fucking post. im sorry i never talk on the discord because my humour probably makes people uncomfortable and i dont feel important at all, even when the love i receive is priceless and treasure and i take it all for fucking granted. im really fucking sorry.

i want to try be better this year but im always telling myself its not gonna happen. new years resolutions fuckin arent even hard i dont give myself big goals and i cant even achieve the smallest ones. the only one i am probs gonna achieve is be more of a “bitch” and pull people up on the offensive shit they say but everytime i pull my friends up when they say “autistic” or “f/ggot” or “retard” as insults they roll their eyes and i can just see that they’re sick of me being a party pooper and they’re sick of having to fucking add me to the invite because ive been a part of the group for years and had i not been best friends with hannah they’d probs just “forget to put me in” because fuck it man i only ruin the fucking mood

jc. im trying to be stronger for certain people who are struggling but idk man i cant even be strong for myself what am i gonna do when im overdramatic and crying and cant actually help them out when they’re calling. ive become a sort of reliable person to help when people have a tough time or are struggling and thats just fucking gone now because what the fuck dude i cant even listent o my own advice why should other people. 

no one has to actually listen to this, or message me, or do anything about anything. im fuckin crying and somethings in my eye and it fucking hurts god damn it, i cant get it out and wow what a pathetic fucking metaphor.

im gonna keep trying to get it out. fuck. sorry. i’ll try get something done with cute in the next few days. im sorry to waste your time guys

[howmuchlongerdoigo]

My heads narration

Back. Im always back. Alone exhausted. Its fine that no one cares. Why cause who cares about me ? Alot of people but no one knows me or can comfort me. Im so alone. I havent talked to anyone in awhile. Being quite sucks. Shut up Eduardo. Just shut up. Be open? I miss alot of people i let go. For one to a billion reasons for our own good to each others benefit. I miss being comforted i miss being understood not alone. I miss you like all the time. But nothing will happen bc im not sure. She broke my heart again haha. Who didnt see that coming right? You literally saw it from Virginia to California. Youre a stupid idiot. But we learn some how i guess. I dont know what im trying to embody. A guy trying to make it on his own or a guy stuck in a world of feelings and loneliness. So many drugs. Back to back. Worth it? I dont care what its worth all i think about it is not being alone. Although i can never escape it. Its just a sad helpless wish from someone who misses the person that brought life into them. Now they roam around trying to find that feeling again. As if it were tangible, reachable. When in truth its not. Never. All things have a reason. Nothing makes sense. Everything is random. I kinda really wish i wasnt a square. I wish i can be felxible yet firm. Im so fucking difficult. As if i have a higher purpose than everyone. Im the same piece of dust as everyone. I eish i could make ppls life better. I wish i can help. I wish i weren't so helpless. I wish to be loved by someone who knows me inside and out. Maybe i dont need that but its what im looking for its what i want. Im fucking stupid. I took acid the other day its...something else. I didnt have a bad trip but you could feel how easy it was to slip its scary. I feel like it preloaded a bunch of images and shit to my head. Its really something else. My stomach is killing me bit whatever theres a cost to drugs. In all reality all the bs that comes out my mouth or mind. I dont want to be alone. Its harder than it sounds bc you can be with a group of ppl and yet be alone. Or one on one and still feel alone. Needa find the right person. But is anyone looking for me? I wouldnt know. My therapist taught me to let go of horrible feelings and still i run to drugs like some dog to an owner. Im the dog obviously and my troubles my bad thought everything negative or wouldnt want is my owner. I run back like i can fix something or i can learn something by reliving it over n over n over again. Im stupid. I dont know alot of things or shit actually. Im pretty stupid i admit that. I admit that all my decisions arent the best if anything im the worst person you can meet. Like really what am i ? Theres no benefit to me or anything i dont give anyone they want. Just laughs and a break in life then im disposed again and again. Its not putting myself too out there or desperate its just ppl remember that they have a life and then poof. My soul cries everynight for someone to talk to or even get me at some level not even fully. I wish i could talk to someone on the phone. I wish i could vent. I understand i dont get that privilege anymore from anyone cause no cares they have their lives and other people why stop for a stranger or someone who repeats the same problem and cries about it . my silent cries. Regardless how things turn up for my sorry life. I deserve it. All this pain all this debt all this loneliness everything. I broke too many hearts to say im a good person. Im so retarded like why? Lmao. Uh god why ? I know its not your fault its my decisions my genes my everything. I find it really weird that if i cry i laugh alot like im crazy or something. Im not or dont think i am but yeah thats weird. Im scared that all this stupidity is gonna run up and knock me out of my life and ill just be a mess. A reck. Always have been i just throw down a good front. I wish i was more enthusiastic i lack that alot like its not funny at all. But hwo cares right? Ill just be silent again in my bed and look at the wall with no music in a clean organised house. I feel insane. I do think of cutting. I felt some relief but all i thought about was me marking my skin for someone who is sharing their body constantly and doesnt care. If they dont care about their count what makes you think they care about 1 or the many? Yeah if they cared n shit but really? They wouldnt trade that person for everyone. Everyone fills so many holes yet leave you empty. Thats when the loop begins i think. I should learn how to dress. Get more clothes. Better hair. Better smell better person. I need to better myself. I just wish i didnt have to battle being comfortable sad. I wish for some much yet im not willing to give up anything. I say i can but its probably the hardest thing for me. Letting go. I make it seem easy but its a stab to the chest in the morning through out the day up till the night. And in my dreams. Men talk to me about families and their daughters and im here. Alone wishing for their happiniess but maybe their happiniess isnt for me like its not ok at all. Idk my mind is stilk troubled like always. I run back

[beanieisnotabean]

So i’m just gonna type this here cuz twitter hardly has enough space.

so what the fuck is up, i am wreck, i am suicidal, i just deactivated my main twitter account for the 3rd time this month, i am basically every other self loathing individual in this fucking website and heres a fucking rant from me when im in the edge of tears for no apparent reason and for something that probably doesnt even concern me but you know what thats why im unstable you know, like fuck me whos idea was it to let my ass out of a vagina, or better yet, the ass, cuz i came from there judging from how fucking shit i am. you know when you hate people, like literally despise them, like you wouldnt fucking care if they died and youd feel more reassured if you killed them but u have no real reason behind it you just feel like this? thats me bro, like, fuck everyone, either i die or u die like fuck me idgas, i can be the next school shooter i dont give a fuck, but i have to hide this fucking feeling because no one likes a homicidal maniac, and im perfect at this btw, i start screaming and shouting sexual nonsense and i get up on everyone business and im just looking around till i can find that one opportunity to fucking slip by without anyone noticing (which never comes btw) and until then i wait and try n participate so that no one bothers me because im quiet but all i really wanna do is be in my fucking corner and look at some youtube or twitter posts or just triggered on tumblr or just rest my fucking head while listening to some playlists like why tf am i here, oh but heres the best part, IM FORCED TO BE THERE, but u know what i started not to mind, because stupid little ol’ me decide ‘’hey, feelings r cool, not too attached but enough for u wanting to hold up some sort of conversation yk’’ WELL GUESS WHAT THAT SHIT BROUGHT ME, man i just wanted to like, leave twitter, not check anything anymore, i have my vent account up in case i needed to spout shit, but yk, she has to go double teaming, she doesnt even realize i exist until i or someone else makes it clear, yet she continues to pester me, idk why when most of the time shes ghosting me, she doesnt even hide it we’re literally in the same group, and she is aware of this, but fuck me, other people man. now ik, im being awfully jealous arent i? WELL IM SORRY, ITS NOT EASY LIVING WITH 2 FUCKING PERSONALITIES AND KNOWING EVERYONE GETS A BETTER LIFE ONCE U LEAVE. u know i had an ex, she was MISERABLE with me, once we broke up, guess who started feeling great, SURE AS HELL WASNT ME NOW WAS IT?? OTHERWISE I WOULDNT BE HERE TYPING THIS LIKE THE 4EYED MORON I AM, ID BE STUDYING BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING TEST TOMORROW AND I MIGHT JUST FAIL THIS SEMESTER BUT YK WHAT FUCK IT, ITS NOT LIKE I INTEND ON KILLING MYSELF IF I FAIL ANYWAYS, NO FUCK YOU, YOURE RETARDED. but do u know what still makes me not shed a fucking tear? knowing, that everytime a tear is shed for me, is because i fucked up, i fucked their lifes, not because they feel any sort of emotion towards me, its more like, fuck you, idc that u exist, itd be the same, and yk what it would, so far ive ran every moment in my head in what if scenario with the plot twist being i never existed, and yk what i see? nothing changed, because not matter how hard i try the only tears i see are of pity for some random guy they hardly knew. thats my fucking life story, it makes zero sense but so does 70% percent of this hellhole anyways, and i mean this planet not this site, just wish i had some fucking courage to actually stab myself, but no, im a fucking pussy, god i just wanna fucking die. 

[jo5huaray]

can i express how i feel today?

why is that everytime someone wants something good in their life.....there has to be something or someone to ruin it? yin and yang? good and bad? without one, you can have the other? makes sense. has too. and if it doesnt, does that make you blind to reality? you living in your own reality where things are make believe? dreamland? how could someone live there knowing that isnt the reality that we live in? would that consume you mentally? and if it didn't, would you actually be living your life? yolo? i mean you would have to actually dream it and make it reality but you necessarily couldnt because you would dwell to much on that reality of yours and get lost in the idea of actually making it. so i guess in terms, you have to know when to leave your box, and expand without losing the fire. hmmm.....you think some people actually think, "my life is actually amazing" when in reality its not. i mean that could be their reality or idea of what life being good is.....just because its different from your idea of a good life doesnt make it any less dumb or not "good" enough. but where im going with this is, can people actually go through life things about what they can be doing instead of what they are actually doing? i mean you have to get to a certain point where you see someone actually try to progress and be like "hey you are doing it!!" or "fucking told you so" and find humor in someone elses bad luck.....but im a strong believer that people go through life not trying to succeed and love to stay in their shell and cry wolf when no one has time for them or can make time. its like are we suppose to wait for you to decide when its time to change. katt williams said it ffucking right when he said it," cant be fucking with people doing the same shit every year" "them people are the unhealthy people that will drag you down" " if you gotta succeed alone then so be it, at least you arent being held back by those who call you their friends"

guess you can say im not in the best mood atm, pretty down, wouldnt say depressed. my kids are happy. and healthy. shit to healthy i think. i do miss them. rather be with them at this very moment instead of this place or surrounding. but things and people are stopping me from that currently. im the type of person who cant get anger constantly.....i have 3 modes. anger and im attacking. anger and i cry because it did it to myself. or happy and burying what i have bury to no get emotional. you dont know how many people have told me you do this to yourself joshua.....like a fucking record thats skipping. and i finally realize the reason i keep making immature mistakes. i cant hate....truly hate someone if they were to mess with my babies. and my dog. and my computer lol. but truly hate someone who done me wrong? i mean my dad use to beat the shit out of me. my mom as well.....mostly females who loved the idea of being with me or wanted to be with me. i cant truly hate none of them....so i guess you can say i relaspe until i figure a soultion inbetween hating them and being their slave. relaspe like a user and my drug is female......well the idea of being in love like they would see me. my idea of being in love and being able to love someone excites me. but it cant be just anyone....definitely cant be anyone. and i tend to jump from one to another because that fizz isnt there anymore. the cheating. the lying......i have yet to have someone constantly keep my entertained like i would think they would want too. i mean the concept of,"if you dont do it someone else will" and most people nowadays settle for it keep the hope alive. that idea of being loved and loving alive.....but why? should the couple understand that concept because how more real can it get? i mean if you dont buy flowers for her someone else will. if you dont make him dinner someone else will. if you dont tell her you love her like people need air and show her, someone definitely will come along and tell her and that and actually mean it. if you dont fucking him or keep him satifisted, you know damn well someone will be waiting for that text saying, "hey wyd" and you dont believe that....its ok eventually you will have to figure it out or be stuck in a constant loop for immature relationship or immature adults who act like big ol babies

i honestly feel like crying my eyes out. or leaving and crying in my truck....what good will that do me? probably make my eyes look like shit and hurt, thus not worth it. even though i know its not worth it, i still feel the sense of sadness growing inside of me. like a sickness you werent prepared for. no medicine can help you and only you can help yourself. but yeah that brings it back to me not being able to truly hate someone. what will hating them get me? make me feel better? temporary? sure maybe but would it be worth it to bring someone down with my lashing of constant bombardement of hateful words and degrading comments? yeah definitely bring their asses to the reality they may not be seeing or what they caused me to do. reaction to their action? not the best choice thats why i choose not to be a hateful person. even though i know some would say go for it. use it to make yourself beat this sickness they call sadness........they been telling me that since day 1 and you think i choose to do it yet? lol i just cant. the cheaters, liars, the "its you and not me", the "i love you but not in love with you" yeah i cant. idk hate me cause i cant stand up and do it. i just dont feel the need to do it. and thats the main reason i slip....relaspe back to the idea of actually being loved by these so called girls.....i cant call you women because you havent shown me enough to actually be a woman. but im not innocent bystander. ive done it all and im not proud it either but i can dwell on it as i do it because why sit here and love someone who isnt texting you or talking to you or attempting to be with you and expect you to sit here waiting with you bent over like you ready about to get fucked? lol literally majority of people want you to wait on them if you are their friend or if you love them....like what shit you smoking.....waiting on hand and foot yet you give me a pinky of time and attention? thats not being mean nor hateful in my opinion. thats just common sense....shit i would expect that if i wasnt fucking or loving a girl i was interested in. thats why i never text first... if im important or whatever ( with certain exceptions of course! lol hey grey areas) then you would make time for me....best believe if you text me or call me, and i find you highly attractive or actually like you, you wont just get one text or two....maybe like a series of questions or a poem lol lol or something to bring you closer mentally and physcially lol but thats just it. you cant race to win and stop racing......keep it pushin! never stop. yeah its alot of work but wtf you think we are here for? to obtain this lifes best by simply hopefully for it to happen? yeah some are fortunated the others but then mostly 99% of people arent that fortunate that others....the bottom, down in the slumps where you either sit there and regret it your entire life you never actually bust the ass to obtain your "reality".

the idea of being love by those who i know cant love me truly like i want to be love consumes me entirely where i forget about the life im living in itself. the life i picture for myself ( and yes my kids as well for those of you who acutally thought i wouldnt picture a life without my bootoo, hot ness, and Jilee) that life i picture does come with someone who actually loves me like ive always preached. i always swapped between one or the other because of negatives or defaults that may have had....or push them away on purpose so i wouldnt have to be the bad guy, and in reality, my reality, i wanted them to be like the previous one. or the next one so jumping from one to another, hoping they would take from the last to be better than the last is only a fragment of my imagnation playing tricks on me. lying to myself to make my reality seem livable with in reality, its not. thus the cycle begins and repeats....jump to this one....oh you wanna be loved forever and be happy.....but cant keep me focused on us. then the next one, oh you always had bad boyfriends and just want someone to understand you, but yet you dont take the time to actually understand who i am or what we actually have to be a couple.....these days people say, "50/50" and yet i laugh my ass off cause these ignorant fools dont understand that it has to be 100/100. hell you can even say 150/150 if you want. if you are those type of highly expectation folks......why would anyone want 50% of what someone has to offer? tell me how that math even makes fucking sense.....tell me how someone is suppose to stay in a relationship or be with someone who they give more than the other? cant do that math because its impossible. actually not impossible, possible just fucking retarded lmao. whoever decides that is only harming themselves and the other person. so lets do that math now 50/50....breaks even with 50 cross the board. so she gets 50 and you get 50. not the full 100...so would would anyone want that?.....meaning you both get nothing in the end with that analogy. 100/50? left with 50.....and ill let you be the guess on whose left with the 50%.....cause if you guessed the person only giving half...you seriously need to go back to 3rd grade and learn the basic fundenmentals of math lmao....ok 100/100? you get her all and she gets your all....that works. definitely can see that working. would have to second guess your love or hers. probably would have time to even think about whats wrong or what could go wrong because you would be in the reality you just fucking made? and the funny part, she would be right there with you!!! lmao making sense now? the 150/150 is for those selected few who are over acheivers and know how to actually give 150% of who they are. think about it.....how could someone give 150% of themselves to another? and no not tissue or blood you fucks.