#listen this is terrible but also listen: i cry about bartholomew 'mick' 'king of the freeway' mercury on a daily basis

[theradioghost]

my-inside-out-thoughts replied to your post “one day when i’m sleep deprived and emotional ill post my essay on why...”

Please

as it happens im sleep deprived and emotional tonight, so you know what? looks like im triple posting

(be advised that this is 1500 words of ramble that starts too personal and ends too pretentious, but god damn, guys, I love Mick Mercury, and here is why:)

so most of the reason im audio drama and Noir Garbage (tm) is that about age 15, when I was severely depressed and so deep in my anxiety I literally went weeks at a time without talking to people, one of my coping mechanisms was old radio serials. mostly noir, specifically Chandler adaptations, Yours Truly Johnny Dollar, Broadway Is My Beat, Dragnet, and Boston Blackie (also Gunsmoke but my deep and abiding love for Matt Dillon is a different post). I felt like the world was falling apart for me personally and also on a global scale, and the world of noir made a weird kind of sense to me at the time? you had these characters who were the only people who seemed to see that the world was Shit, that it was Bad, that innocent people were getting hurt, that everyone was alone and especially them. noir detectives were my emo phase, is what I’m saying.

except they did something? the world was mean and out to get them and they kept fighting anyway, week after week (thanks, weekly serial format), and they lost, and it sucked, but even when there’s literally no suggestion that they’re doing it out of a sense of hope, those characters kept going. that made sense to me, at the time, as a kind of heroism. that sort of deep-down, dark, burning need to keep standing up against the big, bad world, even when it did absolutely nothing, because someone had to. that was an idea that got me through a lot of bad days.

(this is also why terry pratchett’s Watch books mean so much to me, but again: another essay entirely.)

so it was really, really cool at first to find the penumbra, because here it was – everything I’d ever felt, every part of myself I’d ever seen in that shit I ate up as a scared kid, and it was explicit and deliberate, and on top of that it embraced the things about me that old noir never would, I could see myself in it as a queer girl, too, and on top of all that it was in space

(I love the Penumbra so much, you guys,)

and then I got to The Day That Wouldn’t Die, and I cried, because I was wrong

noir privileges the narrator’s viewpoint. you get those infamous first-person monologues, the jaded detective who is, as I said, the only person who sees the world as it really is – dark, and mean, and merciless. and of course, I assumed that the Penumbra was the same way, because that’s certainly what Juno thinks is the case. but it’s not. It’s not at all. because Juno is wrong about his world, and Mick Mercury is the proof.

because the other thing about noir is that it’s expressionistic – in other words, because of that pesky first person, the outside world comes to resemble the narrator’s inner world. we see Hyperion City through Juno’s eyes. and Juno isn’t a reliable narrator. Juno is depressed and depression is a fucking liar. Juno’s wrong. or at least, Juno isn’t entirely right.

Mick Mercury grew up in the same awful, awful place that Juno did, and he didn’t even get to leave it. he’s been poor and in debt his whole life. it doesn’t sound much like he gets along too well with his dad. he had a childhood just as terrible and at least one best friend who beat up on him. but what else do we know about Mick? well, we know that Dark Matters didn’t need a plan to specifically lure Juno into their scenario. it’s apparently a safe bet that if you give Mick Mercury money for drinks, he’s gonna invite his best friend. (and juno will come, too.) And he didn’t do it for the anniversary, either; he did it because he cares about Juno and worries about him and wants to spend time with him.

(strike one against the worldview of juno “I am a bad person and Alone” steel; Mick has seen him at his worst and loves him very, very much.)

also, mick has been actively worrying about juno??? (same.) he immediately compliments juno’s shitty stuff and he means it? he’s always, always sincere. and furthermore, he’s fucking terrified the whole episode. Juno’s a hardened ex-cop who gets shot at regularly and Sasha is a badass secret agent. Mick is not these things! Mick puts rollerblades on dogs! He’s also being physically and emotionally tortured with one of the worst days of his life. He gets shot, almost loses a leg in the tubes, then gets dragged off underwater by a nightmare monster version of himself and concussed, all this time terrified of monsters – and he tries to convince them to leave him and save themselves. When juno does this, it is, tbqh, very much wrapped up in juno’s hurting and Issues. Mick’s doing it out of love and bravery and he inspires the same thing in his friends, too.

And after all of this??? this awful, awful day?? His immediate first priority is going straight back to his original goal: Is Juno okay? Make Juno talk to someone about not being okay. And Juno throws some pretty horrible stuff at him, too, and his response is to give?? Some really good advice, honestly. And sure, we know that Mick’s memories of their childhood aren’t exactly accurate, but why does that mean that Juno’s are? Mick struggles with metaphors and with other people’s emotions in conversation. Mick’s goofy and kind and cares about others and sees the good in things and people. But the thing is, that doesn’t make him naïve, or foolish, or wrong. he turns out to be wise and insightful enough to surprise juno there, doesn’t he? Mick himself is proof that there is good, real good, to see in people in Hyperion City.

Juno came out of Oldtown traumatized and Sasha came out hard and Mick didn’t get out at all and this is still what he’s like.

despite everything he’s been through Mick is selfless, caring, sincere, resilient, hopeful. And furthermore, he doesn’t just be these things. Because Mick Mercury is first and foremost a storyteller. Mick has hopes and dreams of better things, and Mick sees better things in the world already around him, and all he does is share that with others. Mick makes kids dream. Mick gives Juno hope. Mick Mercury tells stories that he believes in so deeply that they become true – stories about monsters, yeah, but also stories about good people. Mick believes so much in a better world that he’s already living there. It becomes real around him.

And after Mick, so much else became apparent to me – mainly Nureyev. Nureyev, who I was so sure was going to pull a true Femme/Homme Fatale and vanish again or break Juno’s heart or ultimately thwart him – that’s what that archetype does! But Nureyev isn’t an homme fatale. He’s been through unfathomable pain, had his moral compass severely screwed up by his weird criminal dad and his upbringing on a hell planet where every crime gets the same absolute punishment, and he still thinks the universe is a beautiful place. He decides, on his own, that Mars needs saving. He falls in love with people and with places – really, really, deeply in love. He sees so much in the universe that’s worthwhile that he’s running through it nonstop trying to see and love every bit of it that he possibly can. Mick and Peter look at the same world Juno does and see something very, very different, and Juno’s not wrong when he sees pain, when he sees injustice, when he sees cruel people and moral indifference, and there are reasons why that’s the world that he sees, but that doesn’t mean it’s the whole and only truth.

I love Mick Mercury because he made me realize that Juno Steel doesn’t live in a noir universe at all. he just lives inside of a very, very noir Juno Steel. And I feel like I’m fifteen again, I feel like Juno Steel at fifteen, hearing hopes that the world can be better. that it already is. and just because there are still days (because now especially, there are days) when I look at the world and the whole thing seems so totally, irretrievably, impossibly dark doesn’t mean that’s true. There are good things out there, good things inside us, shining cities and constellations and love, even if it’s hard to see them right now. and when we can, we tell the stories. and when we can’t, we listen to someone else tell them to us. and we keep telling em till we get there.