#lil taste of what i'll be streaming later

[posthumanwanderings]

Phantasy Star Online (Sonic Team / Sega - Dreamcast - 2000)

[justyoursimpleflower]

A Letter of Love, A Letter of Apology

Warnings:- just angst, no fluff, nothing mentions of death, sucide, crying, death eaters. Not the best of me.

Word count:- 2k

A/N:- this is short and not my best of work, I actually list inspiration for it after sometime. The gif belongs to its respective owners I got it from Pinterest.

July 12th 1978.

Lily was sitting in her apartment that she shared with Marlene and Alice, drinking a glass of wine. Who cares if it's ten in the morning? She wanted to, so she poured herself a glass. Last week had been hectic for Lily, moving out of Hogwarts, and then James proposing her, healer training and so much more. It was as if she didn't even get a moment for her.

It had been not so long since she left Hogwarts, though it felt like a distant memory. Getting out of Hogwarts, joining Order, leaving some friends, leaving some memories, leaving-

"Lily!"

Marlene's voice broke her out of her thoughts, no one knows what would have happened if she hadn't broken her out of her thoughts, she didn't need to go back to those thoughts.

Turning around she saw a horror struck face of Marlene, immediately rising panic in her mind. She left her glass of wine on the railing of the balcony, she rushed to Marlene.

"What is it?" Her voice was heaved with panic, a million of what ifs swirling in her head.

"Another attack." A gasp left Lily's lips, as the words came out of Marlene's lips. Another attack. Another death. Another pain for the people.

But something was different in Marlene's eyes. It wasn't the usual, hatred or sadness at the name of attack, her eyes were teary. Assuming the worst Lily whispered,

"Who?"

"Y/N"

At that moment Lily wanted nothing more than the ground to swallow her or the sky to fall on her. Tears started streaming down her eyes, her heart felt heavy, her mind went fuzzy. Lily couldn't hold herself anymore and fell to her knees, sob racked her body. She was now crying completely, Marlene kneeled herself in front of Lily and held her in a hug. Rubbing her back, she kept whispering,

"I know, I know, she was my friend too."

She didn't know. No one did, and that pained Lily more.

Collecting herself up Marlene made Lily look up, the pain in Lily's eyes was breaking her too but she was supposed to take her for the mission, they can mourn later, but they had to go now.

"C'mon Lils, it's time to go, we have to investigate the place."

Lily didn't even hear her, she was feeling only the voidness she had pushed you into. It was all her fault, you didn't deserved that, maybe if she had never pushed you till there, you would still have lived.

She felt a hand shaking her. Marlene. She wants her to come and investigate the place you took your last breath. She didn't even has a choice in this. She had to. Slowly, she stood up and nodded her head.

Marlene clasped their hands together and they apparted to the small home. It was just like you used to describe, Lily had never visited your home but she knew how it looked, you had painted a perfect picture of it in her head.

James was already there, he, Lily and Marlene were to investigate the place for any traces of Death Eaters. He saw Lily looking broken, his heart broke too, he knew that you and Lily were good friends, but the look in Lily's eyes was pure sorrow.

He was quick to his feet and reached to her, he enveloped her in his arms. Lily's arms never went around him, she just started sobbing on his shoulder, she knew what she was doing was betrayal but how could she stop the pain, coming in the form tears.

"Shh...calm down, love."

Knowing that if she didn't stop now, she won't for long, Lily removed her face from James' shoulder. She gave him a weak smile and nodded her head towards the house, signalling him to enter. James was hesitant but entered anyways, his hand still holding Lily's.

Marlene was standing in the hallway, looking around the pictures, in case any clue. Lily and James joined her and roamed their eyes on the pictures, your smiling face, their joyful days, everything, in the most perfect way. And here are they, falling down by the insurmountable grief, mourning your death, investigating your house.

Lily was slowly breaking, the more she looked at those pictures the more suffocating became the pain. She felt like she's betraying everyone, you, James, her friends, herself.

James rubbed her back and gave her a sad smile, she smiled back but it was genuine, not anymore at least.

"I think we should seperate. Marlene you check the kitchen, I'll go for the living room and Lily you should check bedroom." James said, nodding they all seperated.

When Lily entered your room, everything was mess. Maybe you came here to hide from the death eaters. Shaking the thought from her head, she started looking for any evidence that Death Eaters came.

She flipped the pillows, she racked the desk, she looked in cupboard, but she found nothing. Sighing, she sat on your bed, looking around the room, the mess she made.

Lily's eyes landed on the drawer beside your bed, knowing she won't anything she almost didn't check but something in her was telling her to, believing her instincts, she opened the drawer to find it empty except an envelope.

She was going to leave it when James' voice called her but in the end she turned and stuffed it in her pocket. She reached the living room to find James and Marlene there.

"Did you find something?" Marlene asked.

Lily's hand touched the envelope in her pocket, but she shook her head. She can handle this alone, and she would.

Marlene and Lily apparted after that to their apartment, and Marlene left Lily's side saying, she wants to rest but Lily knew better, she knew that Marlene only wanted to grieve alone, she was never the one to show her emotions openly.

Lily entered her room, and changed into more comfortable clothes. As she sat on her bed, she took out the envelope and looked at it. She turned it few times to check if there was anything she could understand by it, when she found no signs, she hesitantly opened it. Inside it was a folded parchment, no doubt a letter. Lily didn't want to pry but she found herself opening it. So, she started reading.

Dear Lily,

I don't even know if I have the right to call you that anymore. You seem distant more than usual now, I knew it be bad but...this is unbearable. It's eleventh of July, it's my birthday tomorrow, but I think you wouldn't remember. I don't want a lot from you, I would just address this letter and send this to you, just want an acknowledgement from you that you read it.

It's been such a small time but it feels like an eternity when we used to meet, secretly, it hurt me that you didn't want to be seen with me but no worries, no hard feelings, it atleast gave me some thrill.

Okay, no more small talks, I would just tell you want I want to know.

Lily, was it necessary? Was I that bad? Even on my worst day, did I deserve the hell you gave me? What changed?

You promised me, didn't you? You promised me an infinity, but here I am dying slowly, why? Because I can't take this anymore. Till the time you'll find it, I would be long gone. Away from you, away from everyone, away from everything. Look at me, what a coward. I didn't even fight, for the better world. I don't even have it in myself to go with grace, and you are a hero, flying around saving faces.

Our love was calamitous, we were never meant to be, but Lily I hope you live happily.

I won't say don't grieve on my death, do, atleast that'll assure me that even a little, sometime, you loved me, I meant something to you. But Lily, did I actually?

I am happy for you, happy for James that he finally got you. I am happy for your upcoming future with him. Say yes to him, he is a nice guy. Or atleast better than me.

Do you remember our first kiss? Everyone was drunk that night, so drunk that it took two vials of hangover potion, per person to make their headache go. You didn't drink that night, I did but not too much. We both were sitting near the fireplace, you asked me what kind of person was I interested in, I was hesitant, cause to me, you were the only person I had even thought about having romantic feelings. When I didn't answer, you put your hand on mine, I turned around and saw the fire reflecting on your face. You truly were a blessing for eyes. We didn't notice that we leant towards each other until our nose bumped, you initiated the kiss, your lips were on mine, all I could taste from them was strawberry chapstick. Our lips touched softly first, then your tounge swept across my upper lip, my mouth opened on its own, and you took over the kiss, just like you did with my mind, my heart and my soul.

Just like you took over the kiss without me noticing, you took over my life. I was so in love that I never noticed you slipping away from my fingers. But now, I want to tell you that I love you.

I love you, for the best and worst, till my last breathe, until my end. Wish I could tell you that.

I fought with my inner demons, but maybe they were stronger than my love for you. Just so you know, it not entirely you, its me too.

Yours truly,

-Y/N

Tears ricocheted on the parchment, Lily was more than ever broken now. This is what she caused. Death Eaters were not the ones who killed you, you killed yourself, because of her. A sob wrecked her whole body, was she such a bad person?

She loved you, she did but she knew her family would never approve her relation with you, you weren't some

Questions pondering in her head, Lily didn't noticed when she drifted off to sleep.

The next morning was glum, no one talked in the whole apartment, everyone was getting ready for the funeral. It was going to be a really small one, only family and close friends.

Just like that the funeral was over, everyone was quietly talking to each other. James was talking to Lily when he noticed the jewel on Lily's neck,

"Lily, is it the one Y/N got you?"

Lily slowly nodded, she felt hollow, you were the dead one but Lily felt like a corpse.

James sighed and said,

"At least Y/N died a hero."

The furrow between Lily's brows told him that Marlene didn't actually told her the truth, so he said,

"Death Eaters, Y/N killed them but a killing curse during the end..."

That's when it clicked in Lily's mind, you never gave her the letter, meaning you were still contemplating your decisions but till then the Death Eaters...

Slowly, everyone started to return back and towards the end it was only Lily left. She made her way to the grave and fell to her knees, tears started falling, she cursed herself for not telling you how much she loved you. She cursed herself for not one more time telling you how brave you were.

She put the envelope on the grave and left without any other thought. It killed Lily, that she did that but she couldn't do anything now.

The envelope remained there for years, was it the love behind it or was it something else, it was always there, with two words written on it,

"I'm sorry."