#like. y'all. she's in her mid thirties why are you trying to control her LIFE?????

[thebirdandhersong]

This horrible ex and her parents have one thing in common: they're trying to dictate how she ought to live :-)

[the-story-of-the-tucks]

Just breathe

(Alice and Alfred get to audition for a theater college! But what happens when Alfred starts to have a panic attack mid audition?

TW: descriptive panic attack

(I projected myself onto Alfred for the first time, it was fun. Shoutout to the West of words discord for screaming about theater kids! alice/alfred so much. I love every single one of y'all <3) 

Also posted on AO3 by @the_story_of_the_tucks

--

Alfred was sitting backstage while his best friend, Alice nailed her audition song.

Since they were little they always knew they would be actors someday. That dream grew into a reality when they started middle school and got into the theater program.

He remembers it like it was yesterday-

They were putting up a production of grease junior and the pair was so excited to be part of it. Sure they didn't get big roles since it was their first year but they fell in love with theater more than ever.

They started to get bigger roles until they ended up performing in the show Wonderland their senior year. Alice -of course- playing Alice and Alfred playing the white rabbit. Just like they have done so many times when they read the book.

He was so freaking proud of her for landing the leading role. Alice had an amazing voice and absolutely deserved everything.

Even now, she was on stage singing Whispering from Spring awakening to the judges who will determine if they get into this college or not.

That's why Alfred felt like he should run while he can. He did not consider himself as someone with stage fright since he could always perform in front of a crowd when he did his high school musicals.

But this was not a high school musical.

This was an audition that will determine his future. Will he get into the college of his dreams with her best friend? or will he fail at the audition and go to a normal college, leaving Alice behind and shattering his dreams?

He started to feel anxious a week before the auditions, everything became too real for Alfred.

This was not a silly high school audition were it didn’t even matter if he got ensemble or the fucking scarecrow from Wizard of Oz.

This was real life and had real life stakes. The teacher was not gonna take pity on him and cast him anyways! If he was not perfect in the audition he could kiss goodbye to his dreams.

So he started practicing a lot.

He read his song over and over again, sometimes staying past midnight and skipped meals just so he could study the lyrics.

He chose Tonight at eight from the musical She loves me. He knew it was a mouthful of a song but it also showcased his vocal range and acting skills.

“It's fitting since you always seem to be nervous about everything” Alice joked when Alfred told her which song he was auditioning with. At the moment they laughed about it but right now Alfred felt like throwing up from the nerves.

He just needed to calm down and concentrate on something else, how hard could it be?

Alice was still singing-

Her sweet but powerful voice filled the whole building and made Alfred´s heart melt. He could hear how much emotion she was putting on the song. She was not Alice at the moment; she was Wendla Bergmann, and she was fucking great at it.

-Listening... For the hope, for the new life— Something beautiful, a new chance. Hear, it's whispering, There, again…-

She held the last note at the end and then there was just silence. He heard her say her thank yous and then she ran backstage to Alfred´s arms.

“You did amazing!” Alfred smiled widely while hugging and spinning her a bit.

Alice laughed melodically “Thanks! I think the judges liked it too!” She was grinning like crazy, still having the rush from performing onstage.

They both stayed there, giggling for a few seconds as if nothing else in the world mattered but them. Then they hear Alfred's name called out on the speaker.

“Hallam, Alfred?”

He froze. He was not prepared for this! What was he even thinking? He was just going to turn around and get home just to not get humiliated in front of the judges.

Alice saw the look of panic in his face and held his hand. “Hey, hey-, you're gonna do great” she placed her hand in his shoulder to confort him “just don't get nervous, ok? you already practiced and you know everything by heart” she winked.

“Right” Alfred, nodded trying to convince himself “I’m fine- I’m not nervous at all-”

“Alfie, your hands are shaking”

“shit” Alfred held both of his hands at his chest and took a deep breath trying to calm down.

“You can do this” Alice smiled and squeezed his shoulder.

He can do this.

--

Alfred stood in front of the jury paralyzed by fear for what felt like forever but it was probably a few seconds.

“I- uh Hello” He cringed at how his voice sounded. “My name is Alfred Hallam and I will be performing Tonight at eight by the musical She loves me”

His hands were still shaking and he tried to crack his knuckles to cover it.

He squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds and exhaled

He can do this

-I'm nervous and upset Because this girl I've never met-

He started singing, ok so far so good.

-I get to meet Tonight at eight-

He almost smiled, he was actually doing great!

-I'm taking her to dinner At a charming old cafe, But who can eat Tonight at eight?-

Alfred made the mistake of glancing at the judges' table and saw them writing something down in their notepads. shit.

Were they writing something good about him? something bad?

-It's early in the morning, And our date is not till eight o'clock tonight, And yet already I can see What a nightmare this whole day will be-

Maybe he had to get into the character a bit more? that's it! but he couldn't concentrate at all, his heart was beating too loudly and he felt the jury’s eyes burning holes at him.

-I haven't slept a wink, I only think Of our approaching tete-a-tete, Tonight at eight.-

'C’mon Alfred' he thought. 'Just fucking concentrate on the song and don’t think about the jury watching you, or your too loud beating heart, or the fact that your hands started shaking again, or-'

-I feel a combination Of depression and elation; What a state! To wait Till eight!-

Why did he feel like he was getting out of breath? did the jury notice? were they writing on their notepads again?

-Three more minutes, two more seconds, ten more hours to go!-

He felt the room getting smaller and hotter.

-In spite of what I've written, She may not be very- very-

He paused.

God, what was the word? his mind was too foggy to think and it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

“Mr Hallam?” One of the people in the jury asked “Are you alright?”

Was he? Alfred couldn't breathe at all. His hands were shaking and his heart felt like it was threatening to fall out of his chest.

“Mr Hallam, do you need a minute?”

“I uh-” He swallowed thickly, forcing himself to talk “I’m sorry-”

And with that he ran backstage.

--

Alfred managed to reach the stairs outside the theater and sit down.

His hand were still shaking and they were starting to feel numb. He tried to wipe the sweat that was dripping down from his forehead but he couldn't control his hands enough to do it.

And worst of all? He felt like there was and elephant sitting on his chest.

Alfred couldn’t help but repeat the moment in his head.

He choked in front of the jury who would decide if he went to the school of his dreams or not- He forgot a song he had known all his life and had been practicing non stop for at least a month-

All those sleepless nights were for absolutely nothing- The judges probably thought that if he got freaked out by a simple audition he will most likely get worse in an actual play or with any performance.

What was he even thinking? he’s never gonna have a future as an actor! he’d probably was gonna end up being thirty and working in an office while Alice wins her third tony award and he won’t even be able to attend to the ceremony because he’d have to do the office reports or else he’ll get fired and-

“Alfie?”

He heard a familiar voice and looked up only to face the one and only Alice spencer.

He wanted to talk, he wanted to tell her he was okay and that she didn’t need to worry or make a fuss about him but only choked sobs came out of his mouth every time he tried to explain.

“Hey hey it’s ok-” Alice tried to soothe him, she gently took Alfred’s shaky hand and squeezed it.

“Try to match my breathing, ok?” she started to inhale and exhale slowly and Alfred tried to follow suit.

They have done this many times when they were kinds, whether it be because he was having an asthma attack and couldn’t find his inhaler, a panic attack or he was just freaking out. He could guarantee that Alice was gonna be always by his side helping him breathe.

But it was not gonna be like that after college started, right?

But it was not gonna be like that after college started, right?

“I fucked it up” He whispered between shaky breaths “I- I got too nervous and I choked mid audition”

“I know” Alice just squeezed his hand tighter, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“My future is ruined-”

“Hey, no its not” she said simply “We can go back and talk to the jury and explain you were having a panic attack”

“I-I can’t go back there! I don’t even know if they’ll even hear me and-”

“Alife” Alice looked directly at his green eyes “You’re probably not the first person who had a panic attack mid audition, they’ll understand”

“And if they don’t?”

“They will” she assured him.

Alfred was too tired to protest so he just limited himself to nod.

“After the other auditions finish we’ll go back and ask for another audition date, alright?”

Alice started ramble about her plan, it was kinda endearing.

“I don’t think i’m ready to go back just yet” Alfred said miserably

“I’ll go with you” Alice assured him “i’m not letting you face those judges alone, they’re scary”

Alfred laughed a bit “yeah, they are”

Alfred realized that no matter were they went Alice will always have his back and vice versa. It was relieving to know you have someone who will catch you if you fall and you’d have to catch them too sometimes.

They ended up talking to the judges together and agreed on scheduling another audition the next week, which gave Alfred a bit more time to go over the lyrics and prepare himself.

They both got their acceptance letters at the same time.