#like. idk. sometimes people don't get enough support to fix their shit and ARE just sitting with it

[aeide-thea]

the thing about this website (and also other spaces, i'm sure, but this is the one where i hang out) is that people will reliably go 'everyone's on their own timeline and working through their own particular difficulties at their own particular pace! we have to be radically understanding!' until someone hits 30 and then it's like 'wow, pretty cringe to be that ancient and not have solved all your problems already! it's probably because you've been wasting time having interests, an activity you should have known was reserved exclusively for young, still-viable people!'

[nothorses]

RE: Valorized teachers - I was a teaching assistant who was put into a self contained special ed room. I'm also a wheelchair user with several neurodevelopmental conditions. The way that I was guilted by peers for not staying to shield kids from the abuse they dealt with that was both a) triggering to see/intervene in (since I went through similar shit) and b) minimum wage so I could only afford to eat once every 24 hours was really damaging to me. "If you don't stay and keep the kids safe, they'll just be abused worse." Yeah. They will. And within a month I'll probably kill myself and that'll traumatize them too. I still love those kids and I still lose sleep over "abandoning" one of them in particular but I wanted to survive. So I did everything I could to show them I loved them and they are humans and should be treated like humans, and I left. Other physically disabled people, interestingly, did not have the same hang-ups about self sacrifice (in my experience, obviously everyone is different).

god. yeah.

I'm substitute teaching in a few schools right now to supplement a part-time job I actually love, and while I initially planned to work with the local public school system, I've ended up in a private/independent schools instead. and like.

I grew up in public schools, I have so much beef with private/independent schools (and even more with charter schools, lol. but I'm not working with any of those) and I very much know that the students I'm working with now aren't the ones who need support the most. hell, I'm not even making as much as I could be in the nearest public school system!! private schools pretty much always pay less than public schools do, and that's definitely true here.

I feel bad for not working in public schools, and I could justify that (I turned down one offer from a district because they pay even less than the private schools do, plus the commute would be a nightmare; the other district is so underfunded that they keep firing admin people and they can't get their shit together to onboard me properly, so I now literally can't work there until I get a new passport) but also. like.

I've worked with public schools before, and frankly, I don't love it. The class sizes are twice as large, the schools themselves can't really do anything innovative on a larger scale, and the teachers pretty invariably don't love working there. They love their students, but the school?? There's always something to complain about.

One of the schools I work at right now is doing shit no public school can do, the entire student population is less than 50 kids, and the kids and teachers are genuinely happy there. Like, truly, honestly love being there. And I do, too! It's my favorite school to sub for, and it's not close.

Idk. I feel guilty sometimes, but also, like... it's not really fair to ask teachers to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of protecting a few students from a broken system. I commend the people who do it, they're making an important difference, but it's really not enough to fix the problem itself. And it's not fair to expect it to be enough.

We need systemic change. We need better funding, better pay, smaller class sizes, people in charge who know what the hell they're doing, and we need to scrap current professional development practices and invest in long-term, ongoing coaching and mentoring practices for teachers so they can (and are accountable for) staying up-to-date with evidence-based (read: student-centered!!!) pedagogical approaches.

That doesn't just happen from inside one classroom, or even on the backs of the genuinely great classroom teachers currently making that sacrifice for their students. Other people- more people than just the education field itself- need to give a shit and make an effort, too.

[disordercinema]

To add to your retail AU-

Fred worked right next door to the store and was really close with Tubbo and Tubbo fell in love with him. The store ended up moving so now Tubbo sulks about it, especially when he sees Pac and Fit flirting. His background is also him and Fred.

Fred is the son of the store owner so he just moved with the building. Now instead of working next door, they work a couple of blocks from each other. Tubbo always acts like he moved continents.

Other members would come by and just talk for a while.

Bolas is just that one dnd group that hangs around after closing hours. Phil doesn’t do shit about it, he’ll actually join in with them every once in a while.

Bad would often yell at Tubbo for his mannerisms, like cursing while talking to a customer or back talking.

Pierre is the tech support that everyone calls if Tubbo doesn’t know how to fix it himself or makes it worse.

If someone is yelling at an employee and no one can calm them down and Phil is needed, he kills them with kindness. If someone yells at one of the kids though, he gets pissed.

The island is frequently visited. People will stay for a few months or less but most leave rather quickly. It’s small enough to where everyone knows everyone, but everyone knows the islanders as they’re own group.

The Islanders are one big family and are willing to do a lot for each other. If you argue cross one of them, you cross all of them.

The Federation is a government system and Cucurucho is the mayor

The eggs are the islanders children still. They came from an overcrowded orphanage so they took them in.

This is it! For now maybe- idk.

I like, I like, tho I don't follow all

I had imagined Bolas as like, the employees of the other store Philza owns across the city. All the employees are insanely terrible at their jobs but somehow always outperform the morning crew's store especially during holiday season and Tubbo absolutely hates them for it. He has a whole one sided rivalry with them and comes up with crazy plans to win against them while most of their stategy is just "Let's figure out a way to leave early".

I don't see a reason why the kids would be at the store, but I like Pierre being the tech support. I think Bad would be a former Karen turned regular after Philza won against him during a passive-aggressiveness-kindness-disguised contest. He starts going there out of pettiness, but actually becomes friendly with the employees over time and it is close to his job (daycare worker) so it's easy for him to buy stuff on the way home. Sometimes Tubbo convinces him to go terrorize Bolas when he finds out Bad has an errand across town and he does it for discounts.

I also like the idea of the Fred being from a nearby shop, maybe a flower shop?

The Federation would 100% the heads of the Retailers Association, always in contact with the government, observing and making sure the policies are being followed. Fit gets a spot in it for his strong presence in the union and all he does is cover up for all the things his store fails to comply on. Cellbit gets a place in it too, because he used to be a general manager at another big retail company, but he fucking hates it and wants to leave so he has been trying to get kicked out by leaking shit he shouldn't and it somehow doesn't work because no one figures out it was him.

I really like your ideas, this is just what my brain cooked since I made that post lmao

[oddball-artz]

OMG YOU HAVE SPOONS!!!!!! YIPPIE!!!! (probably bc you got a good night's sleep)

And if you know me at all, be prepared for the sea of questions>:]

1) Go into detail about Dalia and Sabrina and their family in the second Gen au. Any Hcs or stuff?

2) Nyx and his relationship with his family.

3) (idk if it was onyx or nyx who had the ED, I forgor their names are so similar).Go into detail Abt thier ED, tho.

4) For the love of God drop Hcs till I die, I don't care for who, I just NEED them.

And, if you have spoons don't be afraid to look in your inbox for any other asks I may have sent/nf (bc both me and you forget about the asks tbh)

And as always, ily platonically, man :333

It is not the sleep, I don't need sleep, idk what it was if it wasn't the sleep, but im not being proven wrong /j

I've only got a couple, and they're pretty Dalia centric, but you can have em

Dalia picked up a bunch of tips and tricks for dealing with kids both from helping raise her siblings and from treating kids as a nurse, uses them all the time, her personal favorite thay she's picked up is doubling bedsheets when kids are sick so that if they get dirty you can just take it off and make it a later problem while you comfort said sick child. Dalia is also very sentimental as a parent, cries at every ceremony and graduation. Sometimes she'll say something that sounds like her mother and she goes quiet for a while after that. I have a feeling that Sabrina and Dalia's house tends to be the designated 'safe house' for Vee and Jasper's friends. Dalia's actually kind of happy about this, in her mind it's confirmation that she's not her mother. (This may or may not be based on the fact that my house irl is the safehouse). All I have rn, sorry

Next up Nyx, my boy. He feels like a walking second place trophy compared to all his siblings. Brushes it off in an Rottmnt Leo sort of way, through humor and a facade of confidence. Desperately wants anyone to be proud of him. Takes his little siblings out crimeing™️ together sometimes, and is like the number one supporter of their shenanigans. Let's them steal his shit, as long as they don't get caught(bc he taught them better than that). The only thing he'd put up a fight against having stolen is his binder, but that's about it.

Oh and Onyx is the one with an ED, she has anorexia specifically. It started with her just trying to lose weight, she's fairly light, but her frame is wide, so she didn't see any results and things got drastic from there, especially when people started making fun of her for her body. She's super sensitive to comments about her body, and the bullying just made it so much worse. She hates looking at herself, in mirrors, in pictures, anything. It's like her eyes pick out the flaws every time and she can't stand it. So she's trying to 'fix' herself, much to the worry of the people around her. She eats in the dream bubbles, but that's only because she knows that it isn't real. Harlow noticed this and has started sneaking food into the dream bubbles just so Onyx eats for once. Onyx still hasn't caught onto this.

And various hcs about the sillies

Onyx spins her drumsticks between her fingers when she's bored, she can do it really fast too

Nyx's hoodie he wears in his sprite is his dysphoria hoodie

Gray has a lot of little interests she keeps hidden. They tend to be niche and geeky, so she hides them to protect her image

Nyx can project his voice loud enough to yell over the band

Onyx is only ever quiet when she's flustered or thinking about somthing, other than that there's usually at least a dull chatter coming from her

Onyx is very physically affectionate, she straight up tackle hugs people.

Gray was a pageant kid,and his parents were very competitive about it. They still have all their sashes from it too

Onyx doesn't fight for herself, but if you say something bad about someone she cares about that's when she starts a fight. Starting fights like that is what got her thrown through a window that one time

Onyx is the one who started calling Alison peepaw, and it just stuck after that

When Alison sleeps she doesn't snore, she shuffles through radio channels under her breath, kind of like sleeptalking

Speaking of Alison, he's insecure about the radio affect his voice has

Alison is very protective of the kids she's 'adopted' (usually underclassmen, but they've also taken most of the radio class under their wing)

[nanlanmoarchived]

a very tmi, very long, very personal ramble is beneath the cut. i'm putting it here, partially because I don't have somewhere else neutral i can put it and partially because it does explain a lot of the ways i interact with people here. please feel free to skip past it, the tl;dr is essentially i am consistently afraid that i am going to do something wrong and make people leave me and i'm trying to fix that.

During my last therapy sesh, my therapist and I figured out that I live in a constant state of fear. My core emotion that I make 90% of my decisions out of is fear. And today, while driving home from getting my coffee, I was thinking about how that comes from the abandonment wound I carry from my dad and how the first time I was kicked out I was a first grader and that fundamentally changed my brain. But then I realized that my mom did the same exact thing back. She never actually kicked me out, but I lived with the threat of being sent away if I didn't behave every day of my life.

So, then I grew up constantly trying. If I was the best at everything, if I was the smartest and funniest and nicest and most understanding, I wouldn't get kicked out. That instability still haunts me to this day and I find it so funny that this hobby has become such a large part of me, this community and all of it's ups and downs, when it's the same constant fear: that I'm going to be kicked out. And like, "kicked out" feels a little dramatic but I had people here years ago that I would talk to for hours. I knew their family members and I supported them through shit and they supported me through shit. And then they were gone. Not even a falling out or anything, but one day they just. . . didn't log in anymore.

It's funny, we seek patterns that are familiar. If you grew up in a peaceful environment, you're more likely to seek peace than if you grew up in a chaotic space and here I am: constantly afraid of not being enough and being cast aside in a community where people come and go, sometimes without so much as a goodbye. It's like here my fear makes sense. I can say the wrong thing and someone can decide to block me and it answers that fear in my head. It rationalizes that fear that I live with and idk. It's almost like exposure therapy.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. I felt compelled to share I think because I'm trying to have a healthier relationship with the RPC and with the way I interact with this hobby. I'm trying to learn that rejection or disconnection isn't a negative reflection on me, or either party really, but something that happens when friendships flex and change. I know I get quiet when I'm feeling afraid and I'm sorry if I've done that to anyone of late, I promise I'm working on it. Thank you for being a part of this space where I can practice healing before taking it into the real world and trying it on for size out there lol.

[voxblade]

Rant under the cut. It's past my bedtime so it's probably not my best work but I have. Thoughts.

It's been a hot minute since I binged this show so if I misremember or get little details wrong, I apologize in advance.

God they had potential. Basic? Sure. But Haida's crush in the earlier episodes was so cute. It's hard to watch season 1 and not root for the guy, as he flounders awkwardly trying to impress her or get close while Retsuko's too caught up in her own problems to notice at all. He's a decent dude doing his best. Season 1 Haida comes with the advantage of even acting fairly mature about his feelings, too. When Retsuko dates another guy, after all his years of pining? Haida gets upset, yeah, but he acknowledges it's his own fault for being too slow to speak his heart, and doesn't take it out on anyone but himself. Even when he does confess to Retsuko at the end, he acknowledges that he doesn't know the real her at all... but would like to. Goober! Precious bean. Ahh, etc. etc.. Of course, Retsuko, politely, rejected Haida's confession at the end season 1. She clearly wasn't interested, and goes on to say as much multiple times over the show and in the episodes to follow. In a normal situation, Haida should've learned to realize he and Retsuko weren't gonna work, let go, and move on. It sucks, but it's a healthy lesson to learn. Sometimes the person you think is your true love just... won't click. Instead of fixating forever, you owe that person and yourself the freedom to live. If they left things like this, I still might've quietly shipped it on the side anyhow, with the full knowledge and support of canon's message.

But no!!!! The narrative refuses to let Haida do anything but pine, even when it'd be healthier for him to, EVEN WHEN RETSUKO HAS MADE IT CLEAR SHE JUST SEES HIM AS A COWORKER. The writers kept pulling the stupid "will they, won't they" card. This isn't getting to the stalking, the light two-timing shit he pulls between Retsuko and Inui, but I won't let go of the karaoke scene at the end of season 3 where Haida (not a licensed therapist, not even a close friend) fucking. Goes to Retsuko's room, drags her out of her house and taunts her out of the trauma she got fROM ALMOST BEING STABBED TO DEATH by calling her a fucking chicken so she can go back to work. Why was he at her house? Well. You see. Because on an experimental dating app, it scored Haida and Retsuko as soul mates. So clearly that meant it needed to be him to help her.

Yeah.

He's deemed the most worthy person to confront her because of a DATING APP ALGORITHM. AN APP THAT WASN'T EVEN PUBLIC YET, IF I FUCKING RECALL. I stress, Retsuko and Haida are barely even work friends at this point and she had a network of other friends and sHE WAS ALMOST STABBED TO DEATH-

"but, she needed the push or she'd lose her job!" Her mental health recovery was more important than preserving the show's status quo! Even if she lost her job, do people think it's impossible for her to oh I don't know. Apply somewhere else when she healed?! Yes the job market sucks, but employment isn't impossible!!! She had security living with her parents in the meantime, she wasn't doomed. And even so, it doesn't change that rushing to fix a problem as major as ptsd for shipping fuel with a guy she's been lukewarm towards at best up to this point is still sloppy writing!

And the narrative rewards him!!!!

And there's that whole clusterfuck in season 4 where Retsuko is FINALLY willing to give Haida a chance, having been worn down enough to consider. But Haida. Haida sabotages himself on purpose. And romanticizes his own fuck ups. I can't.

I never finished season 5 but their chemistry felt flat even when they finally got together officially. Too little too late.

It never feels like Retsuko is with Haida because she chose to be, y'know? It feels like everyone around her sorta pressured her into it. Fenneko, Haida himself, Tadano's app, etc.. Idk. It's so sad they leave a bad taste in my mouth now. I love you, season 1 Rethaida. Season 2 Rethaida is soured a bit. Season 3 and on is a big no from me.

Do you ship it?

[khodorkovskaya]

I wanna be someone who's really easy to talk to and that and to have conversations with etc but then I'm also like??? Idk I feel like I am easy to talk to because anyone can literally say anything to me and I'm not fussed I'm ready to converse, wanna talk about eggs? Go ahead that's eggcellant. Wanna chat shit about guys/girls? I'm all ears and will offer support and jokes. Wanna talk about dinosaurs? FUCK YES IM READY FOR THAT. Literally anything goes but I rarely have convos with people and I'm like??? Is it a bible I give off???

Also sometimes I feel like I'm the issue because I could literally message anyone all day about random shit and anything that happens during the day etc but a lot of people dont seem to like that?? And I'm like ok calm down dont overwhelm someone, and I'm like dont send messages if they're not wanted etc etc etc..... and if replies are slow etc I'm like ohhhh maybe they dont wanna talk or have all these messages a lot so something I dont message people if that makes sense??? And idk if that makes people thinkni dont wanna talk but I really really do

Anyway I think I've lost the trail of this point I'm making but basically I just wish I was good at making and having conversations etc and didnt feel awkward everytime I try to have them lmao

yeah i get what you're saying. idk about you but for me i feel like substance is a big issue when it comes to conversation. like if it's small talk or something silly, im really easy to talk to. but once there's more substance and the conversation is a little deeper, i just like never have anything to say. i think it's bc i spent most of my formative years just like not thinking or questioning myself. or at least not questioning myself on the topics normal people question themselves on. like the part of my brain that's supposed to produce independent thoughts is like severely underdeveloped idk.

like for example i love talking to my zurich friend because he always has some gossip going on, but then we get to a different topic and im like 😐. like the last time we talked he brought up death and i just like had no idea what to say and it was awkward. bc in small talk or dinosaur talk or whatever you can just nod and laugh. but when it comes to something serious likeee. so yeah i haven't messaged him since and it's been like 2 weeks at least.

and i feel like it's the same as like doing sports/after school activities as a kid. like i have hyperhidrosis and when i was a kid i was like super insecure about it cos things would always stick to my hands cos im sweaty all the time. so id just like not touch things and avoid doing any kinds of activities where i had to use my hands. and now as an adult im super clumsy. like i have no coordination when it comes to my hands, i can't open things, i can't hold things properly. and i think it's bc i didn't use my hands enough as a kid. however, my parents put me into music school when i was little so now as an adult im above average when it comes to like being in tune with things, hearing things other people don't hear, etc.

and conversation is the same way. like no one really forced me to think that much as a kid or a teen. so now im an adult with two braincells, you know? but it comes with practice. like ever since my breakup ive been forcing myself to think and it's been really great so far. ive made a lot of progress and im so much more aware of what's happening around me now. and it shows in conversation too! like now i actually have a couple of opinions, can you believe that?! im slowly starting to become an interesting person.

so back to what you're saying, finding people who are able to have conversations is already hard to begin with. like some people are just like how i was up until recently, no thoughts, head empty. and it's no use trying to start a conversation with them.

whereas in other cases, maybe you're just not that interesting to talk to. and that takes a lot of work to fix. i haven't figured it out myself yet, so i can't help you. but i think getting in touch with yourself and your values and your interests really helps.

and yeah sometimes people's vibes just like don't vibe with other people's. maybe you give off a strange vibe? again, no idea how to fix that. ive definitely had my fair share of weird stares when i come up to talk to people. it's probably like pheromones or something idk.

[kieren-fucking-walker]

Mental health is such a trip, man. I just like, want to die but I don't know why? I mean there's a lot of reasons in theory but idk, none specifically I just??? Don't want to be here anymore. And I want to be around people but I also don't and I miss talking to people I used to talk to and then just stopped one day, or people I keep thinking about talking to and then just... not. And very little makes me happy and I can't even enjoy shit I've always enjoyed because I just low key constantly want to die. And then today I went out and stood on a bridge like, not to do anything just to be there and think about it, and I didn't feel anything at all. Just nothing. And I really don't know what to do with that and o don't want to have to see my family at Christmas or like, ever because even the good ones just make me feel hurt right now and I don't know how I'm supposed to run therapy and support people when I can't even look after myself and I'm just so fucking sick of getting a week at most of good feelings and then just endless months of whatever the fuck this feeling is and idk. Sometimes I think about just like, wandering into the woods and laying down there and not getting up again. Or just like, jumping off a cliff because the water will be cold and it'll make me have some kind of reaction to something. Because the truth is that nobody really needs me, and I need to be useful because if I'm not useful I have no point. I need to be doing things and changing things but I don't even know if I'm helping and then what's the point? What's the point of anything if I can't fucking help anyone? Nothing I'm doing is ever going to be enough to fix anything, or make anything better, and I know that I'm a person who could very easily just disappear and never been seen or heard from again, and sometimes I wonder if that would be a selfish or selfless thing to do. And then I wonder if it would make a difference either way. I care too much for one person, but not enough for it to matter, and not enough for it to actually make me a good person at all in the end. So I'm not sure it even matters. I wish my bleeding fucking heart would just choke me already.

[strshn]

I haven't posted in so so so long. but I promise you it's a good thing. I honestly almost forgot I had this blog lmao. things have gotten so much better! are they as good as I want them to be? of course not. but it's the best they've been literally ever. I still struggle a ton but idk. things are just so different...

my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. how insane is that??? I've waited and yearned and begged my whole life for love, and I am trying my best to never take it for granted, not even for a second. I am so lucky to have him by my side.

I've come out to people irl... IN. REAL. LIFE. I go by my preferred name and pronouns to my bf, my friends, I even told my mom this past weekend and it's been nothing but support. tbf I have only told people that I know will be supportive, but still. it feels amazing, and freeing in a way I could have never guessed.

I'm off my meds. all of them. have been for I think almost 2 years now. ditched therapy too. and I'm not saying it's a good thing, I do wish I had some support in the way of a therapist, and maybe some meds would make things even better but idk I've been coping on my own. somehow lol. it's hard and I get exhausted very easily and I so very much wish I could do more on a daily basis but I do what I can, and I forgive myself for not being able to do more. I praise myself for what I can accomplish, even if it's minimal. I cook, I clean, I take care of our cats. I get so tired so easily but... I'm doing more now than I ever did on meds, and frankly it's so fucking strange.

is life hard? absolutely. but I've grown and changed and things are different but also better. my bpd is almost like an afterthought? yes I still experience symptoms. but idk. it's not the same as it was. maybe because I'm happy and secure in my relationship, it's a long term commitment. I have in the back of my mind that it could still end up going terribly wrong, but I don't dwell on it like younger me probably would have. I have bad days, sure. depression isn't gonna go away. and neither will anxiety or ADHD. probably have autism too but I haven't really gotten into that rabbit hole yet.

but idk. I'm just glad to be doing okay. and not having the extreme moods like I used to. do I still hate myself and want to unalive myself from time to time? of course! but. it's more like "I'm tired and the world sucks and I'm sick of working myself to death and still not having enough money to survive can this please end already" which I think is reasonable and a lot of ppl feel that way. the world does suck. but I keep going for my cats and my boyfriend. idk it all sucks but I know there is nothing else to do.

I sleep a lot. I'm tired a lot. I have some physical ailments I need to get fixed. mentally idk. it's just a strange time for me. I'm able to just ignore my shit most of the time, or when I can't, I cry it out and take a nap and try to tell myself that I can keep going, and I will be okay. even if maybe it isn't true, I mean who knows.

I stream on twitch sometimes. I'm working on finding good friends. I'm working on officially coming out. I'm working on getting better at makeup and hair. I'm working on trying to figure out how to write again. Overall, I'm working on being exactly who I want to be. and it feels awesome.

I know this page is usually depressing. I've had a rough life and need somewhere to vent. at least this one time I can vent about how good I am beginning to feel. how good my life has turned out to be even if I still struggle a lot of days, especially financially I struggle a ton. but I'm still here and more queer than ever lol. and I'm doing all right.

I always used to see "it gets better" posts and I half wanted to believe them and half told myself it would never ever happen for me. maybe everyone else but never me... well it's happened for me. it is still happening, tbh. every day things are looking up, even the days where I feel down. it's, at the very least, not the same as it used to be. and I'll take anything over the heart-wrenching emotions I used to feel daily. the mood swings, the obsessions, the infatuations, the utter hopelessness of everyday life for me was so overwhelming. I'm glad it has toned down for me, and thing have changed. and that things are even slightly better.

I have no outlook or expectations for the future. but I think that's for the best. I have things I want to do here and now, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm just happy I'm finally becoming who I want to be, and I'm happy I have any amount of happiness and love in my life. that's all I ever wanted, love. and I think I have it! so don't be so glum, younger me, or anyone out there reading this that can relate to how I used to think and act and feel. it will be okay. and as cliche as it is, it will get better. or at the very least, things will change with time. things will not stay the same, things will evolve and change and mutate and metamorphosize. things will change, the future will be different. and idk that just gives me hope, that I won't be stuck in one place or one feeling or one rut forever.

the future is open and a mystery, flow into it and go along with it. it will be worth it to see the world, and your self, in a different light.

[yeoldontknow]

do you have any tips for writing? Your writing is the best i've ever read, and I'm not exaggerating. I really want to be better, but i don't know how to improve. Is writing something you can improve in or is it just something you're born with?

hello anon~~ 

heres the thing: some people are born with a natural proclivity towards a certain skill. like you can be born with a good singing voice if it runs in your family or something - but that does not necessarily mean you are born being celine dion. you still have to work to hone your craft, practice, engage in ongoing trial and error. every talent or craft is something that needs to be continuously worked on - like a muscle! if you dont do the thing for a while, itll revert back to a previous state you might not be happy with. so, while you CAN be born skilled at something, no one is born perfect. AND YES. there are many things you can do to help yourself improve

- read. honestly, most of the authors/writers i admire are also avid readers. when you read a book or a fic or something, your vocabulary naturally expands. certain authors use certain words to describe things, others have various stylistic choices that determine how their story is paced. someone like hemingway might use very brief, short sentence with words that have high impact; while someone like isaac marion might use many sentences to get the same feeling across. its important you read BOTH authors because this will help you develop a style in your own writing, will help your own vocabulary grow - hemingway might say ‘the red seat looked like a feast’; isaac marion might say ‘the seat looked as though it were bleeding, and it made R terribly, terribly hungry.’ same sentiment - different way of explaining something (*note: those are not actual quotes, im just using an example idk) 

reading also helps your imagination expand!!

- consume various forms of media/art. what i mean by consume is just engage with different types of arts. listen to music - music ALWAYS helps me get inspired, either in the sound or in the lyrics. and its to a point where i cannot write if the music/soundtrack isnt right. watch tv or films - i can assure you that hero is only as gritty as it is because i was watching sense8 while writing it. show is dark and foreboding constantly, and it definitely helped me structure my mindset to be in that world. 

for both reading and tv and music - i dont mean copy the work. dont ever do that. that is plagiarism. but these things all help a person get inspired or feel creative or help them visualize a certain thing for their story. 

- destroy the blank word doc. its easy to fear a blank document. EVERYONE fears the empty word doc. something about all that white is terribly imposing and threatening and you immediately start to doubt yourself. its like looking into a void. so how do we combat that? put down a sentence or three. WHO CARES IF THEY ARE GROSS? the void certainly doesnt, the void is just like ‘wtf these words are so itchy’ and youre like ‘fuckin...deal with it.’ put down sentences for your story and get rid of that blank page. these are not final sentences, you are going to edit them. do you know how many times chapter 13 of hero has been edited? literally, over 5 at this point. i cant seem to get it right AND THATS OK!! because i will! and you will too! just throw some shit onto a page and then go back and change it. (more on this later)

- start in the middle. while its also easy to be intimidated by a blank word doc, its also easy to be intimidated by not knowing where to start. if you have a great idea of the middle of your chapter - WRITE THAT PART FIRST!! if you get inspired by a dialogue or by a vision you have, you will kill it almost instantly by going ‘ok but i have to get them there first’ and then trying to wrap your mind around it. immediately, the mood dies and it feels like pulling teeth to get some words down because thats not what your muse wants you to be thinking about. so, write that cool scene first. i PROMISE once its out, more will come. the ending of chapter 7 for hero was written before chapter 6 AND before even the start of 7. WRITE WHAT INSPIRES YOU AND I PROMISE MORE WILL COME!!

- edit, edit, edit. so. you started in the middle, drafted your Cool Scene and burned the white doc down. AMAZING GO YOU!! but youre not done. you have to edit that. the first thing your mind brings forth will not (not saying it cant but when youre trying to burn down a doc it likely isnt) be the final thing you release to the public. once you have your cool scene down, go back and edit. fill it in. make it better and pretty. change some words, fix your typos. when you think its great, move onto something else and THEN GO BACK. AND FIX IT AGAIN. i edit at least 3 times before i post something. no one ever puts a perfect thing down that they like first time round, and the only time thats ever happened to me was when i wrote pusher in a fit of GLORIOUS INSPIRATION THAT LIKELY WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

- have a friend read your work/be a hype man. rome was not build in a day and certainly was not built by one man alone. if you have a friend in the fandom or community, or even just a friend you trust enough to share work with, SHARE IT WITH THEM. my housemate likes kpop, but does not care nearly enough about it as i do, and also has no inclination to write fanfic whatsoever. BUT. hes super supportive of me and LOVES reading whatever i write - especially hero. sharing your work with a friend to get their opinion is the most vulnerable you will ever be but its EXCITING. i shared hero with him and all at once he was giving me tips on weapons and how the ear responds to gunfire and like his random interest in military strategy has helped guide hero so much. so while you might be shy, your friend might be dumb excited and become an incredible plot bunny. 

and lastly the biggest tip i can give you is: 

do not compare yourself to other writers. EVERY SINGLE PERSON has a different life experience or reason of interest that drives them to writing. for me and a few others, its therapy. for others, its simply a way to pass the time. for all of us: it is fun. keep this fun. comparing yourself to someone else almost instantly ruins any enjoyment you can get out of it. if i walked into this fandom expecting to be The Best, i certainly would not ever be that (gross, who does that anyway) and i certainly wouldnt be having fun. comparison pressures you unnecessarily and also taints your enjoyment of the fandom. write, enjoy what you write, DO NOT WRITE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF PLEASING OTHER PEOPLE, and accept the fact that sometimes its going to be hard. BUT IT WILL ALWAYS. BE. FUN. so pls dont compare yourself. im an old fart who has been writing for a long time. walking in here and going ‘omfg im not that i cant be that jesus’ is not good! no, my hun. you will not be me. YOU WILL BE YOU. AND THATS EVEN BETTER!!!!

i hope this helped you dove

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

[rusa-moved]

5, 9, 18, 29, & 44 (

5-Coke or Pepsi

Coke.  Pepsi is too sweet for me idk

9-What’s your dream job?

Artist/Comic artist.  :D I’ve already had a few commissions so I’m on my way!!

18-Obsession?

Art supplies.  It’s a problem.  There’s this store in the Chicago area called Blick’s.  It’s…I can’t leave there without buying SOMETHING.  Currently Mob Psycho 100 as far as fandom lol

29-Worst mistake?

Ah.  This question gave me something to think about.  I know what I consider my worst mistake but I was more…hesitant on how honest I wanted to be.  But fair’s fair.  So it’s gonna be a long one.  But essentially…I’m a shitty friend.

Uh…warning for those who need it: Suicide, suicide attempts, death, alcohol, abuse, eating disorder, self harm

I’m going to give some context.  Not…as an excuse.  Maybe as an excuse.  Or maybe just to….I don’t know.  I actually…haven’t ever told anybody this in full.

My mother was an alcoholic.  I say was because she’s dead now.  Alcohol got her in the end and honestly?  I don’t miss her.  I’m still angry.  

I’m the oldest out of 5 kids, two of which are autistic.  One is higher functioning, the other is not.  One of them is schizophrenic, as well.  The youngest of us is 12 years younger than me.  Regardless, routine was very important.  So it fell on me.  Bathing them, feeding them, dispensing medications, helping with homework and getting them ready in the morning for school.  My dad is a workaholic.  He was largely absent.  He would leave before we woke up and come home after we went to bed.  We only saw him on the weekends.  So, beyond financial support, I was the only parent.  And it kinda fucked me up.

Sometimes my dad would ‘work’ from home.  After her death we found out it was only when she threatened to kill herself as a plea for attention.

I never wanted my siblings to have to deal with this so I took the brunt willingly. I would usher them upstairs when she got bad.  I’d host ‘movie nights’ in the basement until she passed out and it was safe for them to go upstairs.

Through all of this art and writing became my one ‘healthy’ outlet.  I ended up being invited to a TMNT roleplay back on Gaia Online.  And I made two really awesome friends.  They were really understanding and eventually we traded IM messages, then phone numbers.  They let me vent to them and they…cared.  Which was really big when my irl friends never asked why I…was the way I was.

I wasn’t in school at this time(just graduated high school), didn’t have a job, no car or license.  So my entire day revolved around dealing with my mother, taking care of my siblings and drawing/writing.  And talking to them.

After a while…things got bad.  I stopped eating, I was sleeping 12 hours a day, I had…picked up some bad habits just to cope (some I am still struggling with).  Broken glass.  She had broken a lightbulb and didn’t tell me till I stepped on soe shards.  I kept a few of the pieces.  Just in case.  We lived by a forest, too.  Had some rope in the garage.  This way I didn’t have to worry about my siblings finding me.  I didn’t want them to go through that.  I couldn’t even stand up for more than 10 mins.  It was…. it was really bad.

I started taking it out on my friends.  They kept me afloat.  Kept me from drowning.  And I was manipulative.  I was really really manipulative.  I needed them but I…used them?  I’m not sure how to word it.  But… I turned into my mother in those moments.

I was terrible.  I was god awful and I will legitimately never forgive myself.  Nobody should have to go through that.  I would not wish that on any one.  And I, of all people, should have known better.  It was the same shit I was going through but I turned it around and lashed out.

Eventually they had enough.  They cut ties, stopped responding.  And I am so proud of them.  They took care of themselves.  They did what was needed for them.  I’m just…so so proud of them.  And so thankful they did that.  I was absolute shit and they removed that.  They didn’t need that shit in their lives and they took care of it.

It’s been years.  And I want to apologize.  I want to say I’m sorry.  No excuses, no explanations.  Just “I’m so sorry and I’m so proud of you”.  I’ve written emails in the past but never sent them.  I’m honestly…scared that it would hurt them again.  I don’t want to bring up painful memories or hurt them again.  And it’s been years.  Even if I tried now I probably couldn’t find them.

I really hurt two people who were trying to help me.  They cared for me and loved me.  That is my worst mistake.  One I can never take back or make amends.  It is my biggest regret.

well.  There you have it.  My worst mistake.  One that I am constantly trying to fix.  I want to be a good person and I never want to hurt anybody ever again.  I never want to be like her, I never want to make anybody hurt like that ever again.  Nothing I went through excuses what I did.  They say ‘everybody makes mistakes’ but…this is mine.  This is what I did and I will always own up to that.  I will never deny what I did, no matter what light it puts me in.

I rarely get people asking me for those ask memes so I usually don’t read them through lol.

Oh.  Uh…I’ll post #44 later today, lol.  I’m gonna...just take a break from tumblr till tonight lol.

[kingsuckjin]

Hey moon, i just read your post on how fanfic writing can be such a pressure. You know you're one of the first writers i read fanfics of and decided to open a tumblr account. Your writing is so good moon. I hope you know it. And i actually understand where you are coming from. Maybe not with writing but with other stuff that i love to do. I think it's only human nature that we feel like doing better that we did before. Fear of failure, rejection it gets everyone i believe. So i think it's okay that u feel like that? Like okay in the sense that i happens cause we're all humans and it's part of the struggle. Pretty shitty but that's just how it is. When i get overwhelmed i usually take some time off of everything and everyone. Like get in solitude type until i feel like i fixed myself enough to face the world again. Whatever it is that's making you feel so tired or guilty (which it shouldn't be) i hope you let yourself heal from it. Life is changing all the time, so even though if you feel like you can't do this anymore right now. Sometimes later you might get the enthusiasm back to do it again. And then it wouldn't matter if anyone is liking it or following it much or not. It'll be only about your happiness. I hope you find that soon moon. But attaining you inner peace is the first thing here.

Idk if what i'm trying to say made much sense. You don't have to reply. I just wanted you to know this. I hope you feel better soon. Sending positive vibes and good wishes. Take a virtual hug and stay blessed sweetheart. Love you tons ❤💜❤💜❤💜❤

Hey there love🖤 it made perfect sense. This is going to be a long one and I'm gonna put warnings Tw: sexual harassment, bad friends, mental health, name calling, bullying and just a lot of terrible things I've been through and me explaining why I just can't be here on this blog. I know I've said dome of it before but I'm telling you, you all really have no idea.

I don't know if it's as much burnout or guilt as this blog is becoming overwhelming and I'm not sure how to maintain it. Before I started writing is casually comment on fics and leave reviews and compliments, and sometimes writers wouldn't answer them and I felt like it was something I did or said or they just didn't care, I was a whole idiot then. Even when I started writing and began to kind of gain a following I said to myself “this is easy to reply to comments and messages and requests, I don't have to accidentally hurt anyone by not replying” and then I just kept growing and learned how dumb I was. I love the interaction, and I read it all, every comment, every ask, every message and I'm unbelievably grateful for it and I'm fully aware other writers lack it and need it (and to even say all of this makes me feel terrible, I also deal with the feeling that I don't deserve all the kindness and comments) like, other writers get little to no interaction but sometimes when you aren't at your best mentally it's hard to keep up with even the slightest amount of interaction with people and often times id take a break after putting out something that did well because it was a little overwhelming and I also didn't feel like I deserved it (good old imposter syndrome). I have so many friends I've made on here that don't do as well as I do but in my opinion are MUCH better writers. On the opposite end, I've also had “friends” on here that would talk to me only to ask me to reblog their fics. Idk that's the other end of it, you just don't know who to trust on here and who actually cares and wants to really be friends. Since I've announced that I'm leaving this blog it's really shown me who actually cares about me as a person and not only whatever little measly about of influence I can give and bring to others. So I just want away from it all.

My actual plan is to shut it down here on kingsuckjin and keep writing on my other blog where I have set up boundaries for limited personal interactions. I don't care about the likes or reblogs, I just don't want the tangled web of this blog anymore. This is a hobby and it should never be this deep, but I know it was my fault for making it this deep so now I'm just going to start again and just keep it as a hobby and not let it take over so much of my time. It's not that I don't have the willpower to write, I'll always write, it's what I love, I just don't have the willpower to deal with some of the toxic stuff and people that come along with it all when you're in too deep here.

It's all just draining, and that's not even counting the terrible and scarring asks I get telling me bad things that someone is going to do to you all and myself, you wouldn't believe the stuff I've gotten and that I know others close to me have gotten in their ask boxes. Some people say they don't get anon hate and it makes me so happy to hear them say that, I long for that, I know a lot of us do. But leaving this blog is like leaving a bad relationship. I see my peers get a wave of anon hate and I say “fuck, not this again, that makes me feel so bad”, I see a wave of fics being stolen and say the same thing, I see other writers bullying smaller ones and say the same thing, I see racist people, gatekeepers, people hating on olderpeople here, people scrutinizing others hard work, people hating on genders and sexualities. You know what one of my first asks was when I started? “You need to be using more commas, it's hard to read your fics and you look illiterate” and English isn't even my first language, it's not the language first learned, I didn't learn it until I started school. I'm not a professional writer I've had never claimed to be a good writer, I didn't ask for any “constructive criticism” or anyone's two cents and honestly some people just need to keep stuff to themselves.

I've seen too much shit and while I spent a lot of time fighting all sorts of shit on here because it feels right, but it gets me nowhere and nothing but being labeled as some sort of a problematic blog and I’ve been told by other writers “yeah, I blocked you because I don't want to see that problematic shit on my dash” after I was fucking bullied along with countless others by one group of people. You can imagine after taking all of this, everything I've mentioned so far, how someone could feel too drained and scared to interact with people on here.

I know blogs that don't get into stuff or talk about things like that and I'm definitely not saying they're wrong because I now have a blog that I do that on too. Tbh, sadly, I think that's where a chunk of my followers came from, not my fics but me saying something isn't right and it feels in a way that I've gained followers off of “drama” and that makes me a little sick. While not saying anything and ignoring problems on here might not be great and also ignoring it won't make it go away, neither will me getting all fighty and upset over it, that just hurts me. I just want things to be more shallow, I just want this to be just a hobby again.

Anyway, the point I suppose is that I just need to shut the hell up and keep this place as it's needed to be for me, a place for me to share my writing and that's all because it's what best for me mentally. While interaction and stuff is great and myself and other writers do love it, there can be a darker shadow that comes with it like asks that state gross shit in detail that they would do to me or all the hateful the comments on fics id have to delete. I've been stalked, sexually harassed, plain old harassed, bullied, manipulated, made fun of, blackmailed, backstabbed, lied about, exposed, yelled at, and called horrible names more than I've ever publically and openly ever shared with any of you on this blog and more times than I can count on two hands or even four. Some people are fuckin just... well, they're not good, and it's made me just a little bit bonkers as well. it could be manageable, any one or two or even three of these things I've listed could be manageable and enough to carry on, but it's been a lot to keep carrying with all of this built up over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love this place and how it brings people together and helps make changes and do so much good, but at the same time FUCK this place and I say that from the bottom of my soul. It's time for me to stand back away from it all and start again where I limit everything. I just wanna chill and write somewhere fresh and that's what I've been doing and I love it so much and I don't think if trade any about of followers, notes, popularity, or whatever else for it, that's not what it's about for me and if it is for someone else then that's okay, that's fine, as long as they're not hurting others to get it. I'm just saying I'm having a hard time engaging normally on here with everything else that's happening and has happened, it's just a me thing and I speak for no one else and it's nothing at all that all of my kind, supportive, loving, and talkative followers and moots have done.