#like youve done it. you made millions off it already. you dont get to KEEP MAKING MONEY for eternity!!

[muppetsnoopy]

literally OUTRAGEOUS that I'm getting THREE SEPARATE unskippable ads for a 1993 episode of unsolved mysteries on a PAID STREAMING SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fiftyshadesgrl]

Part two of my brantley gilbert series! I hope everyone enjoys it.

I wake up to find myself tangled up around Brantley. Hes still asleep and its dark outside. I hear a humming sound then a bump. I realize the bus is moving. I jump up, "oh my god!"

Brantley sits up in a panic, "what is it baby?"

I pull the sheet up around me suddenly feeling vulnerable. "The bus is moving. I cant go anywhere! I have to go home."

He wraps me in his arms to comfort me. "Its okay baby girl. Why dont you just stay for the next couple of shows then if you still wanna go home, Ill make sure you get there."

"I have to work. I cant just give everything up to be a groupie."

"Hey." He said making me look at him. "You will never be a groupie. You are way better than that and you know it. Just give us some time, give me some time to show you that this time will be different."

I sigh, "what about my work?"

"Call them and tell them you need some time off."

I snicker, "the real world doesnt work like that. We cant all be Brantley Gilbert."

He lays back down and smiles, "Hell Ill call em myself." I laughed at that and can actually see him doing that. I shake my head and turn my phone on and find its only 2 in the morning. I quickly text my boss and tell him that Im taking my vacation early and Id be back in two weeks. I turn my phone back off and lay back down cuddling up to brantley.

He wraps his arms around me and kisses me. I moan and crawl on top of him. "Damn baby girl, youre gonna wear me out." He says smiling. I smiled back down at him, I cant believe I have him all to myself but the memory of three years ago comes flooding back to me.

3 years ago.....

I was out with mama becky trying to find the right dress that made me feel beautiful. I wanted to blow brantleys mind in a couple months when we say I do. Mama becky turns to me as we pull into the driveway, "hows he been lately?" I sigh and shake my head. "He has his good days and bad days."

His mama had tears in her eyes, "these days its more bad than good." I nodded but pasted a smile on my face.

"Dont worry mama, things will get better. Hopefully he will sober up by the wedding." I said hopeful but doubt still clung heavily in my mind and heart.

I hugged her and jumped out of the truck. "Ill come back this way in a couple of days to talk about the flowers and everything." Mama becky said and I nodded and waved as she pulled out of mine and brantleys driveway.

The house was unusually quiet, brantley usually had music blaring or playing his guitar chugging beer out on the front porch. I unlocked the door and walked in. "Brantley, Im back." Not one word, I walked towards the bedroom where the door was cracked open. I peeked through the crack and saw brantley laying on his stomach in bed sleeping.

I smiled at the sight of him, no matter what we go through he always and will forever hold my heart. I decided I would jump on him and wake him up that way. As I pushed the door open I gasped at what I saw. Amber, his ex laying on my side of the bed with my fiancee'.

Clothes, both his and hers, thrown everywhere meaning they were naked under the thin sheet that lay on top of them. I stood there just staring, I couldnt believe he would do this to me. He promised he would never hurt me.

I got my wits about me and finally spoke. "What the hell brantley!" He flipped over but amber still lay there sleeping. I wanted nothing more than to drag her by the hair of her head out of my house and beat her ass.

He jumped up out of bed and pulled his boxers up. I wanted to throw something at him, slap him, do something but I stood froze to the spot. He stumbled over to me and grabbed my arm and walked outside of our bedroom shutting the door.

I stopped just a few steps from the bedroom door and pulled away from him. "What the hell? Im gone for one day and youve got that whore in our bed!"

He held up his finger to his lips, "shhh."

That pissed me off that much more. "You want me to be quiet!? So I dont disturb that homewreckers sleep! I dont give a fuck if she sleeps good or not. You and her both are very lucky I dont beat both of your asses!" I got right up in his face and dared him to tell me to be quiet again.

"Look," he said holding his hands up, "I got bored last night and you wasnt here again, so I went out to the bar. She was there and I was lonely. Youre never around anymore I need some love every now and then."

I slapped him across his face hard. His head snapped back but I didnt care. "Youre a asshole, I have been planning OUR wedding that you didnt want to help with. You wouldnt be alone if you would stop popping pills and drinking and come with me and help."

He looked back at me but there was no emotion on his face. Thats what worried me most. He wasnt feeling anything. "You know I would disappoint you at our wedding if I helped. Id get something wrong."

"Well you can forget about the wedding. It seems like you got all you need right in there." I pointed towards the bedroom door. I walked towards it and slung it open. Amber was standing beside the bed just pulling brantleys shirt over her body.

I pointed at her, "you say a god damn word and Ill fuckin stomp a mudhole in your ass. I advise you to get the fuck out before I change my mind and do it anyway." She grabbed her pants and pulled them on and headed out of the room.

I grabbed a duffle bag and started shoving my clothes in it. "What are you doing?" I heard brantley say behind me. I gave a humorless chuckle and kept stuffing clothes in it.

"What does it fuckin look like?" I threw over at my shoulder.

"Looks like your making the biggest mistake of your life." He said emotionless.

Before I knew what I was doing I picked up one of his heavy boots and threw it. The boot connected with the aide of his face. "Mistake!? You think Im making a mistake. No honey you made the biggest mistake of YOUR life the moment you picked that whore up and brought her to our house!"

I kept packing my clothes and when the duffle bag was full I zipped it up and threw it over my shoulder. "Ill send kolby or mama becky to get the rest of my stuff. Dont call me when you get sober." I walked out towards the front door but stopped before I walked outside.

My heart was breaking into a million pieces. The love of my life cheated on me and doesnt seem to care. I heard his footsteps behind me.

"You walk out that door, dont you ever come back." He said, I dropped my bag and turned towards him. He smiled thinking I had decided to stay.

The tears started flowing freely then. Seeing how cold he was towards me, no emotion no love in his eyes. "What happened to us? We used to be so happy. When did things go bad?" I asked almost in a whisper.

He shrugged, "I dont know. I guess I fell out of love with you a long time ago. I dont want you anymore, Im moving on to better things. Keep the ring, pawn it, sell it whatever you wanna do."

I nodded and took the ring off my finger that I thought would never come off. I placed it in the palm of his hand and closed his hand around it. "Take care of yourself brantley." I walked back over to the door and picked my bag up and walked out to my old mustang sitting in the driveway.

I threw my bag in the back seat and slammed my car door. I started my car and drove down the driveway. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw brantley standing on the porch staring at my ring in his hand.

I drove all night that night until I made it to florida. I stopped at the first hotel and checked in. I called mama becky as soon as I was settled and told her what had happened. After that phone call I texted brantleys brother kolby and asked him to pick my stuff up from brantleys. He said he would and asked if I was okay. I replied with a simple 'I will be.' I turned my phone off and curled up on the bed crying myself to sleep.

1 year later....

I was working at a local diner as a waitress working nights mostly but whenever someone called in I would be the first to take their shift. I was run down but I needed the money.

It was a little after 1 in the morning and there was no one in the diner. I took that moment to walk outside for a smoke break. My eyes felt heavy and I probaly got a total of 4 hours of aleep over the past 36 hours. Rent had to be paid so I sucked it up and done what had to be done. I walked back into the diner and I heard on the speakers a voice from the local radio dj.

'Here is the new single from the newest and hottest thing in country music today. Heres shes my kinda crazy by brantley gilbert.' 

My heart stopped as I heard his beautiful voice coming through the speakers. I closed my eyes and the lyrics just broke my heart. I have missed him so much and I still think about the day that everything changed. The bell above the door rang as someone came in the diner.

Sal the night manager walked out feom behind the counter. "Sit anywhere you like sir, our waitress will be with you shortly." I was still stuck in a daze but I cleared my head and pulled out my paper and pen ready to take the order.

I turned and walked over to the booth where the man was sitting. I couldnt believe my eyes. Brantley sitting there drumming his fingers on the table. Watching me. I stumbled a bit but remembered what happened a year ago. I stood straighter and walked over, not looking at him.

"What can I get you?" I said very coldly.

"How bout a smile darlin." He said smoothly.

I rolled my eyes. "We only serve food and drinks here. You want a smile theres a bar right across the way there. Im sure you will find lots of them there."

I still had my eyes glued to my pad of paper, my pen hovering waiting for him to say what he really wanted. After a few minutes I turned my back "let me know when you decide."

That statement was about more than just his food choices. I was wanting ro see if he really had changed. I took the rag from behind the counter and started wiping tables down that were already squeaky clean. I just wanted to keep busy. I wanted to keep my mind off of brantley.

I saw movement from the corner of my eye. I looked up and brantley was motioning for me. I walked over pulling my pen and paper pad out again. "Finally decide on something?"

I still wouldnt look at him, he sighed "yeah burger, fries, and a mountain dew."

I scribbled it down and ripped the paper off. "Alright be right back with your drink." I said turning before he could say anything else. I gave the order to the cook and got his drink ready. I waited until his food was done before I took it to him.

"Heres your food and your drink. Enjoy." I said trying to turn away but he grabbed my wrist.

"Why dont you have a seat? Looks like im your only customer so you cant be busy."

I growled and plopped down on the other side of the booth looking at anywhere but at him. I kept quiet, the only sound was the music comig from the speakers and the hum from the fridge behind the counter.

"Would you just look at me (Y/N)? Please?" He said sounding exhausted. I sighed and looked him dead in the eyes. Shutting off all emotions. I waited for him to speak, he sighed and closed his eyes. He shook his head, "you look tired."

I chuckled humorlessly, "wow thanks. Thats a nice way of saying I look like shit."

He shook his head, "no I meant it just like it came out. You look tired. But youre still beautiful."

I snickered and rolled my eyes. "Rents gotta be paid brantley. I have to work to make rent." He nodded and he opened his mouth but before he could speak I cut him off. "Why the hell are you here brantley?"

He grabbed for my hand but I pulled back. "I came to see you darlin."

I rolled my eyes, "well you saw me. Now can I get back to work?"

I went to get up but this time he did grab my hand. "Please just talk to me. Its been a year. Im sober now. Thinking clearly for the first time."

I smiled at that, "thats great brantley." I pulled my hand from his and stood up. "Im really happy that you have turned your life around. I heard your song on the radio right before you came in. Its great, just hate that its about that damn whore." I said the last part through gritted teeth. He shook his head and opened his mouth as if to say something but the bell rang above the door before he could.

I turned to see a young couple that looked weary from a road trip come in. "Hey yall sit anywhere you want. Ill be right there." I turned back towards brantley who still hadnt touched a bite of his food. I shrugged, "duty calls. Heres your check, if you want anything else let me know and Ill adjust it. If not sal can ring you up when youre done. Bye brantley, take care of yourself."

The younger couple ordered breakfast platters and coffee so I was pretty busy with refilling their cups and everything. Right as my shift ended an hour later I walked outside and lit me a much needed cigarette. I started walking over to my mustang but slowed up when I noticed brantleys truck parked right beside it. Brantley was leaning against the side of it casually smoking a cigarette himself.

I walked over just as he threw his cigarette to the ground. "There you are." He said smiling.

I fished my keys out of my purse and went to unlock my door. Brantley stopped me before I could climb in. "Hey, I was hoping we could talk for a minute." He said, his voice filled with hope.

I sighed and slumped against my car. "Im very tired brantley. I wanna go home and go to bed. Make it quick." I sighed glancing at my watch.

"Okay, look I know things ended bad between us and everything." I raised one of my eyebrows at him and crossed my arms. "Whats your point brantley?"

He sighed, "I dont know what Im trying to say. Look, mama told me where you were and I wanted to bring some stuff to you. I thought you might want it." He handed me a box the size of a shoe box. I took it and nodded.

"I uh, got a show the next town over. If you want Ill leave you a ticket at will call." He said rubbing the back of his neck.

I turned and climbed in my car and placed the box beside me in the seat. "Thanks but no thanks. Im swamped at work and I cant afford to take off."

He nodded and leaned down, "I know I just thought...."

I cut him off before he could speak. "Nothings changed brantley. Now if youll excuse me Im going home to get some sleep before my next shift in a few hours."

I cranked my car and didnt give him a chance to reply. I knew if he did then I would probably break. It was hard enough seeing him tonight and trying to act like I didnt care. All I wanted to do was throw myself in his arms and let him kiss away this last miserable lonely year.

Also in the back of my mind was what he did. He cheated when he promised he never would. He promised he would always love me but he told me that day he fell out of love with me. I could never forget that.

I drove back to my small apartment and headed straight for the bed. Sleep came easy but those blue eyes haunted my dreams.

[supergirlfics]

A/N: This was so frustrating because I’d work on it and and then it would just disappear! Multiple times! I guess this is what happens when you write directly onto tumblr and don’t use a backup of any kind . . . oh well, onward and upward. Hope you like the story!

Eliza was outside waiting for Kara and Alex the moment they arrived. As soon as they stepped out of the car, she spread her arms wide, giving them each a hug. “Girls! I’ve missed you so much!”

“We’ve missed you, too,” Alex said.

“Where’s Y/N?” Kara asked, peering past Eliza. You were usually the first to greet them.

“She was supposed to come out and help you with your bags, but I suppose she couldn’t peel herself away from her book.”

“New novel?” Kara asked.

“Textbook.”

Alex and Kara exchanged a look before Kara finally said, “That’s okay. I’ll take the bags. We can catch up with Y/N inside.”

By the time Alex and Eliza had reached the front door, Kara had already grabbed both bags, taken them upstairs to the bedroom, and made back down to the living room. Super Speed. Or, as Alex liked to call it, Super Show-Off.

You sat on the couch. Four open textbooks, and what seemed to be a million sheets of paper lay on the coffee table in front of you. Your nose was buried in a page, your hands covered in pen ink, and notes scribbled in every empty space.

“Hey. What’s up?” Kara asked.

You jumped, not having noticed your sister until right then. You spun around to snap at whoever was hovering over you, but you realized who it was just in time. “Kara!” You leaped off the couch, tackling your big sister in a hug. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t notice you.”

“That’s obvious,” Alex said as she strode through the room to join you two. “Hey kid.”

“Alex!” You tackled her even more excitedly than you had Kara, jumping into her arms and wrapping your legs around her waist. You clung to her so tightly, it was like you were a kid on the monkey bars.

When Alex had finally managed to pull you off, she held you at arms length to study you. “You have grown so much.”

“I’m the same height,” You said. “It’s been three months.”

“I mean you look more mature.”

Kara couldn’t hold in her laugh. After all, she had just watched you and Alex fight over whether or not she was going to hold you.

As Alex continued to look you over, her smile faltered. Even your ear to ear grin couldn’t hide the dark circles under your eyes. They were huge. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. Why?” You asked.

“You look exhausted.”

“I’ve been studying,” You shrugged.

“As you should be,” Eliza cut in. “I can’t have anything but the best grades from my med student.” Again, Kara and Alex exchanged a look. “I’ll let you three catch up while I make dinner.”

After an argument with your sisters, you finally agreed to set aside your studies. But only after Alex gave you her “you-had-better-listen-or-you’ll-regret-it” look. Your sisters helped you put everything away, but you micromanaged everything. You had to make sure all your notes were in their rightful place.

“How do you know where anything goes?” Kara asked. “This is a mess.”

“It’s an organized mess. And if it’s not put away just right, I’ll lose everything and have to start over completely.”

“You’re insane,” Alex said.

“I’m a med student,” You said. “It comes with the territory.”

-----------------------------------------------------

You wanted to study some more after dinner, but your sisters forced you to watch a movie with them instead. And when you tried to sneak some notes into sister night, another look from Alex told you there was no way you would be able to study that night.

When you returned to the couch, you squeezed in between your sisters. Alex immediately put your arm around you while Kara grabbed your hand. You felt warmer and more at peace than you had in months, though the thought of your schooling still weighed heavily at the back of your mind.

A few minutes in, you lay your head on Alex’s shoulder, and a few minutes after that, you were asleep.

Kara grabbed a blanket from the arm of the couch and threw it over you, carefully tucking the end behind your shoulder. “This school must really be getting to her. She never falls asleep during a movie.”

“It’s not even ten,” Alex said. “Y/N is pushing herself way too hard. She needs to slow down.”

----------------------------------------------------------

You woke up around one. Your sisters were asleep beside you. They had even wrapped a blanket around you, which was totally in character, but still extremely sweet.

Since they were both out, you took the opportunity to grab your textbooks once again.

You were still studying when they awoke.

“Y/N,” Kara said. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven,” You said absentmindedly.

“How long have you been studying?” Alex asked.

“Since one.”

Alex ripped the book from your hands. She didn’t think it was possible, but the bags under your eyes had grown even bigger. “You’re done.”

“Hey! I need that!” 

“You don’t,” Kara said firmly. “You are done studying for the rest of the day.”

“It’s only seven.”

“And you’ve been at this for six hours,” Kara said. “You’ve had enough.”

That’s how it went over the next few days. Every time you would try to study, your sisters intervened. Kara tried to force you to take a nap, but once she left the room, you pulled out your notes. Needless to say, she was not pleased when she came to check on you.

“Give me the notes. This is not okay.”

It didn’t take long before your sisters refused to leave your side. If somebody had to do something, they made sure the other was free. They even agreed to keep watch overnight.

On the first night after they agreed to stay up and make sure you slept, you could not get to sleep, no matter what they tried. “I just need to study.” You insisted. “I’m going to fall behind.”

“Why are you so intent on this?” Alex asked as she sat on your bedside. Kara moved to your bed as well, crossing her legs after plopping down in the middle.

“It’s just, you two have done so much. You help people. You save lives. I’m not as cool as that. I don’t have superpowers or special combat training. I’m just awkward old me.”

“Hey,” Alex said. “You don’t need any of that. You are perfect just how you are.”

“I don’t want to fail you guys. Or mom.”

“You could never fail us,” Kara said. “Or mom.”

“I already have. She always compares me to you two. I just want to be able to do something important. And she’s right to push me to study - it just doesn’t come naturally. I have to spend extra time on it.”

“Are you kidding?” Kara said. “You could literally not pay any attention at school and still get straight A’s. You’re a freaking genius.”

“If you keep doing this, you will run yourself ragged, and then when it counts, you’ll be too tired. You won’t be able to function. We have to help you out of your chair half the time. You’re always exhausted. You’re always falling asleep. I’ve even heard you recite diseases in your sleep. Take a break. You’re being obsessive. It isn’t healthy, Y/N.”

“But I have to be the best.”

“You are the best,” Kara said. “Don’t kill yourself trying to be better than the best.”

“I guess you’re right.”

--------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Alex made it downstairs while you and Kara were still asleep. You were so tired, Alex didn’t think you’d be out of bed all day. They finally seemed to have gotten through to you.

“Good morning, Alex,” Eliza said. “Where’s your sister? She’s usually up studying when I come down.”

“We need to talk, Mom,” Alex said. 

Eliza set her coffee down to look at Alex. “What’s going on?”

“Y/N is so tired. She is running herself dry with med school and it’s only her second year. I was partying my second year of med school.”

“And you never finished,” Eliza said. “Y/N needs to be more accomplished than that.”

“More accomplished?” Alex started before taking a deep breath. This was about you, not her. “The point is, she is trying so hard to please you, it’s killing her.”

“She’s fine.”

“You’re not listening to me, Mom. “She’s on break and all she does is study. She finished all her homework for the next month before Kara and I got here and she is still obsessed.”

“Y/N is doing what she should to get through school,” Eliza said. 

“She’s terrified of failing us! She feels like you compare her to Kara and I constantly, and that’s not fair to her. She’s still a kid. Let her be one. Stop pushing her so hard.”

“Of course I have high expectations. She should want to be like the two of you. You and Kara have accomplished so much. Why is it such a terrible thing if I want that for Y/N as well?”

“Because she’s not us, Mom. She’s not an alien. She doesn’t have superpowers. She is the victim of your - you’re craziness! And the longer she’s here, the worse it’s going to get.”

“What are you saying?”

“Y/N is going to spend the rest of break in National City with me. Where she won’t be judged.”

“Alex Danvers, you cannot -”

“I can,” Alex cut in. “And I am.”

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

Silver Wings In The Moonlight

Fandom: Dunkirk

Pairing: Collins x Reader

Warning: N/A

Writer: @imaginesofeveryfandom aka @hufflepuffing-all-day-long

Summary/Request: Based off Anne Shelton’s ‘Silver Wings In The Moonlight’: Jack finally comes home after the war is over. 

Notes: No Gender Pronouns used, neutral partner terms, but marriage is mentioned just in case that’s off putting. 

Jack Collins loved flying. You knew that form the moment you met him. That he loved flying with everything in him, that it brought a thrill to him, as much as it scared him. He once told you that he felt the same way about you. That he loved you, you thrilled him, excited him, but that you scared him as well. That he was scared of how much he loved you, scared of leaving you to go fly in the war...that it was all a rather scary thing, being in love that is. You found it funny that he thought falling in love was as scary as fighting in the war. 

You would always share him with his love of flying, you knew he’d be torn between the two and you never asked him to stop flying, to finding a safer job in the war...because that wasn’t fair and because ultimately you knew that he’d never stop you doing what you loved, no matter how dangerous, so what right did you have of doing the same.

You had just hoped, much as the familiar Anne Shelton song went, that eventually his love of flying, of his silver wings, of his plane, would bring him home safely. That he’d survive every single encounter and that you’d finally get to live in a world without war together. 

Demobilisation was a long process, however. When the war in Europe was announced as over, won, done, completed, everyone had been happy, excited, overjoyed knowing that so many could finally come home even with the war in the pacific still ongoing. You were rather lucky that demobilisation of the Royal Air Force was a rather quick affair compared to the hundreds of thousands of men in the Army or Navy. You had known that Jack would be stationed at a nearby air base, that he’d be home...because while you knew he’d stay in the RAF post-war, you also knew without the war on he’d have more time for you, more safety, and you’d actually get to fall asleep in his arms for once. 

When you finally got the letter telling you he was coming home it was the biggest relief you’d ever felt. Knowing you’d see him again. 

Dearest Y/N,

This is a short letter compared to our usual exchanges, but i’m writing to let you know that i’ll be home soon. They’re stationing me back nearby now that the wars over. Giving me leave too, three whole weeks! 

I’ve missed you with all my heart, as much as I love flying it is horrible being away from you. It will be great to be able to see you and fly again rather than having to choose between the both of you. 

I always told you i’d make it back, even though I know you’ve worried every day for the past six years. It seems so strange that after six years we’re finally done with this bloody war. 

Forever yours,

Jack 

It had been brief considering his usual letters spanned two or three pages, but you’d understood why. He was coming home and why write about things that were happening when he could simply talk to you again, hold you in his arms and tell you every funny story, every sad happening, every moment that you’d missed over the six years of war. 

You hadn’t a date for his arrival, but every day you made sure the house was perfect. That it was clean, that you had a good stock of tea, that you had enough to make a nice meal. It was the little things you wanted him to come back and not have to worry about going down the shop or clean up a tiny bit of mess. You wanted him to be able to come in and just hold you. For hours. Without any responsibilities or things to worry about. You’d spent six years with rare leave dotted here and there. A few days often at most to spend time together. Now you had three weeks. Three weeks and he’d be working nearby, perhaps able to live at home and go to base each day. 

You’d been reading the paper when you heard the door unlock and open, close shut, and the sound of a familiar voice call down the hallway, “I’m home!” You’d been so excited you dropped the paper on the floor and rushed out of the living area, not stopping until you’d almost launched yourself at him for a long awaited hug. 

He still smelt the same like carbolic soap and the aftershave he always used. He still felt the same, solid, warm, arms wrapping around you and pulling you tighter as he buried his face into your shoulder. 

“I’ve missed you.” You mumble it into the blue of his uniform, not wanting to pull away even for a second to talk to him. Letters allowed you to talk to him, but the physicality of having someone there? Nothing could replicate that. You couldn’t simply get a hug any time you wanted, a kiss on a cheek, a hand on the small of your back.  The physicality just didn’t translate the way words did. 

His grip tightens on you and you can hear and feel him take deep breaths, contented ones, taking in everything that surrounded him. “I’ve missed ye too, love...so much.” 

You pull back, only enough to see his face. He looks the same. Blonde hair, cut short back and sides, long on the top, combed over neatly. Blue eyes that are so soft and kind, eyes that helped you fall in love with him. Soft smile, the type of smile that still managed to make you flustered and just a little bashful. He hadn’t changed much, older, certainly older. You both were. You’d first started dating when you were barely in your twenties. Now you were in the latter part of that decade of your life. You’d spent so much time apart, writing letters, keeping your relationship going. 

“I can barely believe you’re actually here...finally...six years.” You press your forehead to his, close your eyes, taking in the feel of him, the smell of him, the presence of him once gain.

“Well, ye better believe it. I’m not goin’ anywhere anytime soon.” You open your eyes again, scan his face briefly, before pressing your lips to his. A little chapped and slightly unfamiliar after so long apart, but still Jack. Still the soft press of lips, the sweet hum of happiness from his throat before he pulls back and smiles down at you. 

You’re not really prepared for him to sink to one knee, mostly because you’re still finding it hard to believe that he’s finally back, that the war is over and he’s finally back. So its rather something else to find him sinking to one knee. 

“I don’t have a ring yet...I was going to wait till I found one, but we’ve waited six years and I just want to marry ye finally. I spent six years without ye and you’re the best partner I could ever ask for. You’ve put up with me for six years, without me help around the house, with me shitty handwriting. Will ye marry me?” 

Its not something you really have to think about after so long, because you’ve already thought the answer before today, thought of this possibly happening a million times. You decided that if you could survive being away from him during a war, then you could manage the trials of married life. Of a life during peace time.

“Of course I will, Jack” You pull him back to his feet and grip him in a tight embrace once again. You don’t really need a ring or something fancy or a big speech, the fact that he’s here, that he’s alive, that he wants to marry you, that is enough. 

“I love you.” You cup his cheeks in your hand and meet his eyes. You want to make sure he knows just how much you love him, that after everything you still love him the same as when you first fell for him. It hasn’t mellowed, hasn’t dissipated. Its still as strong as ever.

“I love ye too, sweetheart.”

[hyungkyun]

(^:

HENLO!!! this is ur actual bday present, not that Gross thing i sent earlier lol. again, do whatever u want with it!! u dont have to post it or anything. it’s just easier to submit stuff like this than to, idk, send u an email like a señora lol.

ok so im doing this in bullet point format bc the last time I wrote a coherent, well-written paragraph was like 5 years ago or smth. anyway!! since u hated soooo much my beautiful, amazing, unique goths au im going with the loser couple au… which was also a college au of sorts?? dskjhksjdf this isn’t even an au, since y’all are already losers tbh (^: this also got out of hand…. this shit is eight pages long. idk enjoy bithc.

first of all, ck the kind of dude everyone’s lowkey scared of bc he’s silent and serious af. also he does seem kind of a weirdo, tbh?

youve seen him around, maybe you’re in the same dorms but u have absolutely no idea what he’s majoring in :o and u ask around but no one has any idea either!! oh wow a mystery~~

BUT he’s kinda cute hmmm (^: and u probably find the weirdo vibe interesting

however it’s so hard to get to talk to him. u always run into him when you’re out with friends or in a hurry to get to class so :///

but destiny works in mysterious ways~~~ and once u meet it’s rly. so unexpected.

actually, it’s awful since u get locked out of ur dorm sound familiar?? during winter break, rly late at night after a long study session at the library yes, the library, fight me. so u kinda just. sit down miserably outside ur room, since ur roommates are gone, cursing everything and everyone. u will eventually go looking for someone to help u out or smth but right now u need to Whine.

but oh my!! enter mister im changkyun!!! that weirdo who actually lives a couple of doors away from u (how come you never found out wtf???)

he sees u basking in ur misery and actually. finds u rly cute??? bc you’re pouting, cursing a little under ur breath, fumbling with ur phone. but u also look angry as fuck, ready to kill a man??? and yet you’re really fucking cute what the hell!!!!

so he comes up to u and asks u what’s wrong, to which u answer not so nicely without even looking up from ur phone, bc you’re rly so done with this situation ://

but then u look up and u See who it is fuck fuck fuck fuckfucbicvufkhkcfj

but since ck’s Nice and he understands that u must be having an awful time (and also bc he thinks youre cute) he offers to help u. you’re kind of skeptical since he’s just another student, what could he do???

until he tells u he knows how to pick locks lmaoaoaoaoa. that lil weirdo (‘:

anyway he saves ur night. but since he’s an annoying lil shit he’ll tease u abt it every time he runs into u for the rest of winter break.

since that day y'all basiclly become an old, bickering, married couple fnsdjdj

u never stop annoying each other…. you’re wearing a hoodie? he’ll probably pull the hood all the way down until it covers ur eyes, and u get him back by messing up his hair which, by the way,is so soft….. hmmmm

u call each other nerd and loser and dumbass all the time lmao. he’ll constantly bring up the way u met just to jokingly say that you’d be lost without him :/// he rly is a lil shit.

it’s funny bc everyone figures out u are falling for each other… except u two. and i rly do mean everyone. ur friends. his friends. ur roommates. ur cat. the janitor, too, probably. it’s so obvious it hurts.

one time someone implies u would be a cute couple and y'all literally go all ‘no???? haha me??? liking that loser??? pfft not in a million years’

it’s the biggest lie, of course (: and ever since that person suggested u would look good together, both of u kind of realize it’d be… nice. more than nice. actually, super nice.

but since both of u are dumb tsunderes,  as ive said before, u will literally be the embodiment of this scene… except it goes both ways. honestly u are so gone for each other it’s GROSS.

but we need some angst up in here so y'all dont get together for a reaaaaaaally long time :/ smh. the pining is Real. ppl come and go in ur lives, and each person u go out with sees that u already fell for someone else—and that’s why all potential relationships don’t last much–, but sdjkfhksjdhk!!! neither of u want to openly admit it.

it’s A Mess bc u are actually good friends and u tell each other abt ur dates and stuff—secretly hoping the other will do something—but y'all looove being dumb so u act like it’s all cool and be like ‘o rly!! good for u, i hope it works out’. right. :/

y’all keep dancing around each other for several months until one Merciful Soul gets tired of ur shit and forces u to sort things out. im talking abt locking u up in some room and not letting u out until u stop pretending u aren’t disgustingly in love with each other. or smthequally cheesy (: u know ilove cheese

((obviously everyone eavesdrops through the door bc cmon, theyve been waiting for this for sooooo long))

at first u two are just annoyed at the Merciful Soul betchait was minhyuk, and u spend ur time yelling and cursing them for doing this (all while claiming that this is pointless, since u have NO feelings for each other. none. nada!)

after a very long time, it’s ck the one that confesses first lmao. youve been whining and being grumpy the whole time youve been locked up together and it kinda reminded him of the way u met… damn. here come The Feelings.

he’s tired, and there’s nothing left to lose. so he tells u The Truth.

[suspenseful pause….. what’s going to happen next?? :OOOOO]……… tune in next year to find out, in the continuation of Cristina’s Cheesy Birthday Present!!!

jk, proceed to the next bullet point pls.

obviously u tell him u feel the same way [insert ppl crying in the background] and he’s actually shocked when u say u like him back…. and gosh, he does look cute when he’s surprised…

so yeah!!! it’s until then that u FINALLY go on a date during the weekend!!. hallelujah. thanks minhyuk,u beautiful soul.

so!!! ok!! first date!!! a rly cute fairground in the evening!!!

u try to be fake mean to each other like u used to but everything feels different~~~ (^:

so instead y’all act bashful as hell, and blush at everything jjdfghjfhd. hands brushing accidentally?? BLUSH. eyes meeting? BLUSH. BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH!!! u also laugh at everything bc both of u are so nervous oh gmhg fdknjjkdsfjoidf this is gross.

he’ll tell bad jokes to make u laugh and they’re rly so so so bad that he actually keeps u in stitches. if u look rly closely you’ll see his huge ass heart eyes bc !!!! he made u laugh!!!! and u look so pretty when u laugh omg!!!! dis-gos-tinnnnn

it’d be such a cute date tbh im crying just thinking abt it (‘’’’: obviously he’s a gentleman and he lets u choose what to eat, which ride to go to first, etc. u could literally tell him ‘hey let’s just sit down and do nothing’ and he’d say yes. he’s so gONe, ifmgfjdmf.

he’s kinda quiet and a lot shier than u wouldve expected but youre literally melting bc that’s a new side to him that you’d never thought you’d see.

u end up having so much fun (‘: u gross lil idiots, u.

oh and he’s def the type to ask if he can kiss u at the end of the night EYYYYYY

even if u find that incredibly endearing you’ll probably roll ur eyes with a huge ass smile on urlips lmaoaoaoao and call him a dummy for even asking when you’ve literally be in cloud nine since ur date started kjkhwjeqdkwjlk  

[hello, brief break to clarify that from this point i forgot this was actually a college au lmao, so the rest of the bullet points are literally just. random facts abt u two dating hhhhhh. We dont even know what ck’s major is odjfngnfdj]  

at first things are a lil awkward in ur relationship tbh

catch ck googling ‘how to relationship’ on a daily basis dnfndkfjdncn he is sort of clueless abt how to handle The Feelings. mostly bc this is Important and the last thing he wants is to mess it up )^:

that goes away eventually, tho!! he’ll start being his weird little self real fucking soon, so Get Ready

u still call each other nerd and all that stuff, but ur voices are dripping with fondness when u say it… literally everyone around u gets cavities from it, ew.

he’s not that big on planning dates but from time to time he’ll take u to rly cool, unexpected, interesting places :o  and eventually he’ll show u his favorite secret spots ((’:

study dates are a thing. i bet he’s that type of person that enjoys reading in weird ass positions… his legs are like, halfway off the couch and his arm is bent in a way that looks almost painful… what the hell….?? but it’s fine (: it goes so well with ur study methods, those that are Too Weird for the library, yeah?? (:

he will also stare at u a lot bc u look cute when you’re rly focused on smth that is, when u stop  whining abtstudying…

every time u catch him doing that you’ll go all ‘stop staring at me!!! wtf are u looking at u weirdo’ and he’ll answer ‘you’re so pretty~~~ ♥️♥️♥️’. you’ll blush like a lil idiot, naturally (^: hmmmm

and yea, yea. nap dates are a thing too :/// with sleepy forehead kisses and raspy voices and tangled limbs. all that sappy stuff. he’s a lil shit tho, so he’ll sometimes poke ur ribs to tickle u lmao.

buuuut he’ll also take a lot of pics of u sleeping bc he thinks youre cute )))): his faves always end up being his wallpaper for months.

he’ll get strange gifts for u, like rly bizarre plushies and rare books on topics he thinks u will like,  tacky anime memorabilia, etc. he’ll always give them to u at random times bc he just saw them and reminded him of u ♥️  

he makes a lot of playlists for u too!!! pls listen closely, he puts a lot more thought into them than he lets on.

u like his selfies??? well he’ll send u a lot of those. unfortunately, bc he’s a lil shit, he’ll mostly send double chins and weird ass faces from equally weird angles  

from time to time he’ll send u a Nice One tho ((((^: and u know, tongue selfies since youreSO fond of his(and I quote) “5ft tongue”. and oh gosh! is that a tongue piercing…??? eyyyyyy

if u want to take couple selfies then you’re gonna have a real hard time bc he’ll always be making weird faces and poses just to be annoying. eventually u will make dumb faces too tho (’: what a couple of losers

expect weird random texts: he loves telling u abt whatever is on his mind—probably aliens. he thinks a lot abt aliens and the universe. throw some conspiracy theories in there, too—. he’ll also send obscure memes. and a lot of russian cats!!

he’ll love ur cosplay hobbie. he thinks it’s super cool. he’ll call u a nerd but don’t be fooled! he totally brags abt it with his friends (^:

oh! and this is unrelated but at some point y'all will look like an emo goth couple. u won’t even realize that you’re both wearing black and looking Edgy, it’ll just happen spontaneously. tragic 😔

there are a lot of comfortable silences when u hang out, but late night deep convos are also fundamental :o!!! bc y'all are Smort.

he’ll act like f*cboi from time to time tbh?? he’ll tell lots of dirty jokes LMAO. u roll ur eyes at him a lot bc they’re rly. so bad.

if he winks or does Eyebrow Things then u can’t rly roll ur eyes and act like you’re annoyed bc (: u like it (: and u think it suits him (: and he knows it (: (: (:

u get back at him by telling him he’s cute tho, and he’ll get all shy and he’ll stutter and saying “noooooo” while also fighting back a smile

he will also howl or bark at u to annoy u jdfhkjdf. damn f*rry ://

on that note, he loves to embarrass u in front of ur friends bc he’s a lil shit :DD

But he’s also the sweetest??? whenever he sees you’re feeling down he’ll start doing weird shit to make u laugh. if that doesn’t work then he’ll hug u real tight without saying anything else, bc that’s Enough, u know?? (’:

ok time to get Domestic lads!!!

Idk who the hell is going to cook bc y'all are a damn mess in the kitchen. u two try to cook Nice Meals sometimes. seven times out of ten u end up ordering takeout lmao.

be prepared: he sings in the shower, and he does so terribly. (he might do it a little louder and a little more off-key sometimes bc he knows it makes u laugh)

random kisses are a thing!!! he kisses ur cheek or ur shoulder or ur nape or literally. any body part he can get his lips on when u two are just hanging out, watching movies or smth. it’s so soft and cute )^: wtf im crying

but also stolen kisses!! he’ll kiss u at the most unexpected of times and it alwaysleaves u breathless

he’ll constantly put his head on ur shoulder and make this face at u (^:  

can’t sleep??? don’t worry!!! he’ll sing to u with that pretty, soothing voice of his

anyway. what I meant is that y’all would be such cute little idiots together this was long af. wow. im so sorry. happy birthday??? lmao

I HAD TO PUT THIS UNDER A READ MORE BC ITS SO FUCKING LONG NAT U DUMBASS ICB U DID THIS KFJSKFJSLKDJFLKJ THIS IS SO CHEESY AND GROSS and it also made me realize that u know too much shit abt me. what was that t*ngue part. im not talking to u ever again. aNYWAY U RLY ARE AN IDIOT I WAS SMILING SO BIG THRU THIS WHOLE THING MAYBE I SCREAMED A LITTLE?????????? FUCK U!!!!!!!! WHATS WITH ‘The Feelings’ PART I HATE THAT I ALMOST DIED FUCK OFF IM NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE FEELINGS!!!!!! U CANT DO THIS TO ME SKJFHSKJDHFKSLDJFH 

icb u rly did the fairground first date i rly fucking hate u why did i even tell u these things i knew it was gonna fire back im fjjgjkknknnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ur ‘tragic 😔’ when we become a goth couple :/ u dont understand goth love

why the fuck did u make him howl. i wanna fucking die rn. what the fuck. he fucking would. fuck off.

i dont wanna talk abt all that domestic shit how did u even write all of that without dying i literally wanna rip all my limbs off i wont make any comment. i didnt need to know what that would be like but u looooove ruining my life so :)

i rly hate u ksdjfhskdjhfksjh icb u did this thank u i wanna die??????????? wtf nat !!!!! no but rly thank u :( u took the time to write this long ass college au (is it????? whats cks major tho rly :/ ) and just skdfjsjk u remembered all the weird shit i told u thats cute and also Really Bad what else do u know that i forgot i told u skdfksjh im literally always screaming at u abt this shit how did u !!! remember all of this!!!!! dldskfjshljhlakjsh this is so cute and horrible nat wtf how could u :( now im gonna cry :(

[sexy-cheese]

Rick and Morty Season 3 Episode 6

episode breakdown....and by breakdown I mean me....im breaking down...into sobs and endless sadness and bitter impatient tears....its me. im broken down Stage 1: we see a combination of enlightened rick (er) and toxic rick (tr) trying to get through the trauma of whatever it is they have just survived. Tr would most likely start rampaging, cursing, breaking shit, and trying to kill off anyone around him in a homicidal blur until he calmed down, however er is probably in there wondering why they even did the stupid thing in the first place. Its not their place to meddle. They are an all powerful super being with highly superior intelligence, so why do they feel this horror and trauma for such a worthless gain? Together they neutralize into a 'drink until the pain is gone mentality' henceforth leading to our rick's alcoholism and ideology of the just 'dont think about it' mindset this is the rick we know. The push everything aside, drink, and dont think Stage 2: Tr separates. If you notice, the very first thing he screams when he wakes up is "morty", because naturally it is the first thing on his mind. He frantically searches for him and then calls him a worthless piece of shit, continuously bringing up how stupid and useless he is. This comes from his severe fear of detachment from morty if he were ever to become overly confident and decide he doesnt need his grandpas cool adventures or life style anymore. If a morty gets too confident, he leaves his rick and becomes a sociopath. Normal rick can relatively keep the urge to bring morty's confidence down under control, but tr impulsively spews it out, so damn afriad that morty will wake up and realize he doesnt need him at any moment. He constantly has to cry out and tell him that they need each other, in his own toxic way. Calling him 'a piece of shit' is basically begging him 'dont leave me' he has to make him think he needs him. got it? lets move to the next step of stage 2 tr constantly says things like "im a god" "im above this" "everyone around me is garbage" "you think normal people can do this?" so obliviously this is his narcissism and entitlement, but digging deeper it is also his sense of inner insecurity. now, you may say 'WHAAAT RENATA HOW CAN DAT BEEE?" well lemme splain. basically rick knows how smart he is, he knows how powerful he is, and he knows all the stuff he could do with this power and intelligence....but that's the thing, he really doesnt know all the stuff he could be doing, because he doesnt do it. running around in the toxic can, you can see him panicking, frantically working and running to make stuff and do things. He knows how great he is, but he has no idea how to use it or what he should be doing with it. Think about it, when someone tells you "ayy, your the smartest being in the multiverse and could probably cure the world of every sickness"....wouldn't YOU be a little overwhelmed? He has so much to live up to (an impossible amount) that he hides behind the idea that he doesn't care about any of it. He cant use his power to save the universe, so instead he claims he doesnt care about it. but deep down he feels bad, because he feels like everyone expects him to do something, when in reality theres way too much to do so, to sum up, Toxic Rick is made up of multiple other different things than just narcissism and selfishness and rage...just like toxic morty, he is also his burning insecurity in the fact that hes just a normal man, who happens to be the only person who could ever hope to save the universe....and yet he has no idea how to do it Stage 3: meet enlightened rick. You're thinking, "oh, so THIS is the side of rick that actually COULD save the universe if he wanted because he IS confident enough in his abilities, right?" well the answer is no. this rick doesnt have a flipping clue either. how would he? there is no possible way to save every single multiverse, but unlike tr, instead of letting it consume him in misdirected guilt and insecurity, he instead has (healthily) let it go. Hence the name, he is now 'enlightened' from the worlds problems because he has thoroughly let go of his human need to be the hero and instead surpassed it all in the 'i need not meddle' mentality. BUT. you might ask, "well renaaaatttaaa then why isnt this rick super healthy? why isnt he perfect? why does he seem so interested in getting his other half back?" welll my little reader I have some thoughts. Thought 1) er has no humanity, attachment, purpose, selfworth, or cosmic opinion in himself, the human race, or the universe. why? because he has officially decided that its all pointless anyway and most importantly (big dividing factor here) he is OK WITH THAT. he has accepted the fact that he has surpassed human attachment because he has accessed infinite realities and multiverses to the point where nothing he thought had meaning does anymore. To become fully enlightened, he has let go all of his family, emotions, and self doubts because frankly, he just doesnt give a damn. But in a healthy way? Hes just let it all go, unlike tr who insists he 'doesnt give a fuck' when in fact, he does give millions and trillions of fucks and it eats him alive with each passing day. thoughts 2) so why does er work to get the phone to connect and work at getting his other half back? well he says it right there in the episode when he and confident morty are sitting in the parking lot at school. He says "im accountable to my toxins, right?" he wants to rejoin because he knows that tr has all his intelligence, all his power, and all his guilt wrapped up into a big toxic package. What does this mean? Hes FUCKING DANGEROUS. thats what it means. er is so enlightened, that he knows letting tr do his worst will mean the end of the world. now, for a little while in the episode, he tries to reason with himself and say that he shouldnt meddle in this either, because why is tr any better or worse than he is? but eventually he realizes the truth that tr left unchecked, is bad news for everyone and not worth lying idly back to watch the universe(s) burn. Because yeah...they would all burn Stage 4: now lets watch these two adorable little super humans interact. tr sums it up perfectly when he says "this is the part of your pussy grandpa that keeps it real".....yup. Thats pretty much the whole concept. If youve been paying attention, youve probably already figured out that er isnt exactly as healthy as he thinks he is. The truh of the matter is just sitting back with your thub up your ass like "oh theres no hope in solving ALL the probems, so let me just not interfere at all" is a pretty effed up way to think. Without tr, he probably wouldnt do anything but stay at home with his family and like, build toys electric toys for kids or something. He wouldnt DO anything extraordinary for fear of messing up the fragile stuff of the universe. Tr reminds him what a waste it would be to live a normal life and ignore their vast power. however, tr doesnt know how to use it either, so hence, the fighting breaks out. basically, they just have no idea how to use there god-like intelligence, and it gets ugly for both. even er says 'that stuff is a part of us and we need to put it back.' he knows that in sense he needs it, otherwise his power will be wasted buuuttt.......tr doesnt feel the same way. tr believes that without er, he could possibly become a real man. a real human. a real person who maybe actually cared about things and didnt feel so 'above' everything and so detatched. like a god among people who couldnt really connect with anyone. he doesnt want to go back to that lonely life of being the only one in his realm. this is why he keeps trying to destroy him while er just wants to recombine. Honestly, er is in the right here, (obviously) because he can see the big picture of how they need each other. Also, fun snidbit, tr is clearly the fighter of the two....clearly....and the sexy maker too apparently.....hehe....good to know good to know.....ahem.....anywaaayyyyy but.....looky here.... here I bring you.... Stage 5:tr doesnt give a shit. he doesnt give a fuck, he doesnt give a....oh,....Beth's here?..... he....leaves. immediately. so, here is where we see tr's true weakness, and what er truly hates about himself. He can't even bring himself to be around Beth or put her in any sort of harms way, so he leaves the very second she walks in the door. what does this mean? it is tr, er, and our rick's one true weakness. Truth is, he really cant be fully enlightened and reach his maximum potential, because of his human attachment to his family. Tr probably feels so guilty about leaving Beth (even though it was probably his idea because he was terrified of hurting her) that he cant even stand to look at her. he leaves immediately even though he was technically winning. plain as day, he admits his own true weakness, he just cares too much about his family to ever become truly godlike and reach his full enlightened potential. tr is human, er is the god. but er can see enough of himself to acknowledge that he needs his human self to be a fully functional human being. to truly be...rick. Stage 6 (almost done) and here it is....the moment er truly finally actually comes to terms with the fact that his 'version' of 'health' was actually just what he thought was his true potential. But alas, because the machine choses your version of health based on what YOU think is healthy, this is the issue he realizes. he didnt become healthy, he became his full potential, minus the pain and limits of human emotion. but the truth is, a full, enlightened, god-like potential is kinda useless without compassion and empathy...isnt it? I mean, if you have the power to save, but you just dont care....then whats the point? He realizes that essentially a god that does nothing is no god at all, and even if tr is a toxic, guilty, confused, miserable man too overwhelmed by his own potential to actually fufill it, he will accomplish more than er ever will just because of that energetic will to survive and just flipping DO SOMETHING. he literally realizes in this one moment that he would probably never accomplish anything like this, not without that crazy, overwhelming, miserably human passion that tr harbors in his soul for his shitty life and shitty decisions. and this is when he knows that they have to reunite, just for the sake of not wasting his life. Stage 7: (my personal favorite) ah yes.....the climax of the story. where it all becomes clear. something I havent touched on yet (which i bet you thought i forgot about....you lil scamp) is why tr is trying to make the whole world toxic. Why? simple. he has mistaken his toxic qualities for his humaness. (which in a way is true, but he also got a bunch of bad shit that er probably spends most of his energy keeping on the down low) and so in tr's mind, he isn't 'toxifying' the world, he releasing people's true emotions and true selves. he releasing the raw humanness inside them so they dont have to deal with their superegos always judging them and telling them how to live. he is the id, in a way, freeing all the other id's from their superegos so the world can be a genuine, purely human world. However, obviously, without superego the people are monsters, hence the carnage of the toxified people. to him, this is his way of saving the human world by bringing out their true human nature. unfortunately true human nature is primal and disgusting, but shh.....dont tell him that.....poor innocent bean....look how proud he is.... so proud..... ahem....anyway back to the climax. so now er shows up again and starts talking, lets analyyyyze. first off, er has learned something very important.....its tr's one weakness that he displayed when best walked in, hes afraid of losing/hurting his family. So of course, he targets toxic morty. and er knows this because he doesnt care about morty WHY WOULD HE? there are millions and trillions of mortys. it is beneath his highly superior brain to care, but tr sees the little picture, and in the moment, he needs morty to support him. He needs to latch onto him. he needs the human comfort. he doesnt want to admit that, but he needs it more than anything else in his life. in fact, he needs it so much, he doesnt even think er has the balls to do it, because he thinks he needs it too....but thats just it....he doesnt. and he knows he doesnt need that human connection, which is why he knows he needs his other half back to need it for him and here we have the moment that literally made tears come..... "irrational attachments"......that line just really hurt me bro.....it hurt me good.....it got me right in the soul....yikes. too real. *sniffle* anyway, back to er's rant. he basically sums it up by saying "you are literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture" hence tr's irrational love and dependency for his family, even though er and tr both know there are infinite sanchez families with infinite different fates that they have no way in saving or interfering in any way, tr still for some reason feels emotion towards a morty that really isnt even THE REAL morty. but think about this....its the most insecure morty, right? the one that is the most insecure, helpless morty of them all....its the one that needs him the most. the one that is least likely to ever leave him....*more sniffles* so of course he cares about him. I mean....we've seen what morty is like without him.... i think rick put it best when he called him 'a tiny american psycho'.....which I mean, he would be, right? hes related to rick afterall. with just enough jerry to keep him insecure. at least jerry was good for one thing. and soooo....thats the wayyyyy the news goes. At the very end we see a reunited rick. he even says 'master of both worlds'...meaning he is once again human and god. id and superego, making one highly functioning ego. the rick we know and love. a beautiful mess. so the meaning my friends.....you really shouldnt hate the bad pats of yourself, because at the end of the day, its kind of what makes you....human. wow....this got really freaking long, and I didnt even get into my whole theory about our morty being evil eyepatch morty. (remember in evil eyepatch morty episode where rick says "a confident morty is bad news, ill tell you when youre older".....well I think we know what that means now) yikes....and i thought rick was a handful when he was cocky. so there you have it. Our bread and butter, our saint and sinner, our sexy grandpa and teenage rocker.....our super genius space alcoholic. our rick sanchez. a beautiful chaotic mess.  wubba lubba dub dub bitches.

[noctomania]

Hi same person who asked about names! How do I tell my parents I'm trans and how do I stop doubting myself on it and getting discouraged by negative comments online?

Hello again friend!

loaded questions, but i’m here for ya best I can.

Off the top I do want to make it clear I’m not like PhD in Trans nor do I have any experience outside my own. I don’t make rules, only suggestions haha that said I’ll offer what I can and I hope to best for you no matter what and trust that you will figure out what works best for you based on your personal situation/concerns/etc.

I also always highly recommend seeking counsel as it can sometimes be really helpful when dealing with your surrounding community. Not being a professional and in fact just some stranger online, my advice could really miss a target. I mean regardless of any situations i do think (and kind of wish everyone would) everyone should go to therapy at some point(s), and when im searching for therapists i always use helppro.com so i can search for one experienced with LGBT folk (and takes my insurance etc). They would be able to get a better snapshot of your life will be able to suss out if you have any conditions that should be taken into consideration when handling emotionally stressful situations, etc and be able to kind of better customize advice. Now that all that is outta the way...

Re Parents: Number one will always be safety if you live with your parents. I would never encourage someone to put themselves in danger’s way to be out. Sometimes people need to conceal to get through some time of their life. It’s ok and doesn’t make anyone less valid. If you are uncertain of their leanings, you can test the waters which is made a bit easier with trans headlines being more common (even if it is for awful reasons like our dehumanization etc but we’ll get to that in a minute) so casually bringing up a hot topic like that via a news article isn’t that far out, and people are inclined to have an opinion they want to share no matter who they are. I feel like I sound kind of cavalier like “Oh just dont come out if you don’t feel comfy” but I understand that it’s not an easy thing to do. However, situations are temporary and to make it to a better one where you could be both safe and out will take endurance. This is also another point at which therapy would be extremely helpful.

I’m hoping though that your parents are actually cool with it. They may need some education. TransYouthEquality has some resources for parents

Re Doubt and Comments: I bring up this story so often that I’m starting to feel a lil embarrassed but it’s so good! The Bear That Wasn’t. Essentially, no matter the label, no matter what others say, and even if you doubt yourself- you will remain who you are, who you’ve always been. People may try to impress their perspective onto you like how the president of the factory in the story tried to impress his minimal human knowledge of bears onto a bear (not no silly bear mind you!), but it’s not going to change who you are. At the end of the day, only we, as individuals, can attest to who we are. We all go through our different experiences that bring us to realization of our identities that maye have been supressed by “standards”, even if it includes doubting yourself, denying yourself, until you can’t anymore. It’s especially hard if you wish to transition and/or experiencing dysphoria to maintain confidence in yourself. I found more confidence in clothes. And my hair. Any form of expression where I could exert control on myself (in a productive not a destructive manner) would help me ge through the day. Not to say I did myself up every day, but now in then maybe give myself a haircut or try a new hairstyle/color/outfit/etc.

 As much as I preach about autonomy and being independent and not caring about what others think, having a supportive community can really help your confidence too. Not sure what your situation is like, but hopefully your parents can be part of that community. Having external affirmation of your identity is a valid desire because it’s conveyance of trust that we know who we are and are who we say we are. 

Accepting and openly expressing your identity costs everyone else approx $0, so you owe nobody a thing for being who you are- keep that in mind. Someone sharing aggression towards you or in a general manner to the community, that’s them airing their insecurities and they think they are disguising whether it be with a veil of nationalism, fauxfeminism, religious piety, etc. 

This is already very long so I’m going to wrap up real quick. Generally speaking, don’t stress yourself to do everything at once. You have time, even if you are a million years old and have a terminal illness, you can take all the time you want to do what you want. Understand that rejection is a reality many must face but that it doesn’t mean youve done anything wrong. Doubting yourself when a lot of people are tellin you you should is a normal thing to experience, but again it doesn’t mean youre wrong. One of the most important things my dad ever told me was when I came out and he told me to have patience with myself and others. It’s most crucial. People will know how to press your buttons. Your job is to show them that you got bigger fish to fry. Which you do! It’s not your responsibility to right their wrongs, all you are responsible for is ensuring your own safety and contentment and doing no harm to yourself or others. That was the longest wrap up, im sorry i’m long-winded. I hope this was helpful and if not please don’t hesitate to ask!

[pxtras-blog]

Oh well, in that case, we're definitely going to make a whole lot more versions of your OH SO LOVELY pictures just for you, to show them around and spread our unconditional love, lmao. And don't worry. Since we're you're 'biggest fan', we're definitely going to make sure we're not missing a thing on this blog. Everything's copied (theme code, posts, info etc etc.), saved, sreencapped and so on and forth. And we'll always keep tab on you, send you lovely messages and just hold the spirit up. ;)

actually i was on skype when you sent messages about “plagiarism” so :-/ theres definitely people who know. you try to say thats what im doing but youre literally stealing all the coding and graphics on my blog just to make some point that you arent even getting anywhere with. petra is a fictional character. shes fake. and youre going around to petra blogs just harassing them over a fictional character like :-/ in mine and everyone elses book thats pretty pathetic tbh. youre convinced youre oh-so clever because you point out really stupid stuff to make fun of. its kind of really sad i almost feel bad for you??:-/

also your “plagiarism” comment is literally based off my theme background thats…. not even uncommon. everyone uses feathers for survey corps members because of the wings of freedom. the colors dont even matter my theme isnt permanent and i can change it to look however i want. but of course :-/ i OBVIOUSLY cant play petra who is a one-dimensional fictional character in a manga made by some other guy who isnt you. you spend all your time policing me but you never stop to think that you cant even dictate how people portray her. the only person who would know exactly how she is, is isayama because he created her. also, i dont understand why you think your theme has to be super intricate to be quality. it doesnt take much to make it look nice and aesthetically pleasing.

youre also taking my pictures and poorly editing them. your attempt to bother me is laughable because uhhhh attention is great???? theres also the fact that youll send repetitive messages but ah :-/ apparently me really liking a certain au ( like everyone else does lmao???? ) is bad and wanting to roleplay is constantly is bad. listen honey, i dont know what you know about the zombie sub genre, but i know that the boundaries for it are constantly being pushed and theres a million different ways it can be made interesting.

and why would i listen to you on my writing?? ive gotten plenty of compliments on my portrayal and actual constructive criticism that is helping me shape and mold this blog. you can do absolutely anything with petra. also, a lot of what i do with her is based on psychology and how the human mind will work in certain situations with im pretty well versed in. yet, somehow thats bad and i dont know how to make a one-dimensional character feel more human, right?? no, you have a neutral portrayal of her. you want her to be boring with no actual flaws. petra is a kind and caring woman, but shes also a human being susceptible to fear and hesitation. we never got to explore her flaws. we never got to know what she couldve really blossomed into because she died. thats the thing. her only purpose in the series was to develop levi and eren’s characters. she and the squad were only there for that. thats what makes it very obvious that we were never going to see more to her. it was predetermined that she wasnt going to get any further development.

you cant even tell me the compliments i got were fake either. like, you can try but theres evidence supporting against it because i never didnt anything to warrent it im pretty sure. but people have gone out of their way to kindly tell me that they liked how i wrote this and how i write petra. thats what keeps me going. thats why im still on this blog because people appreciate how i run things on here. you arent going go push me off this blog. ive been harassed a few times before and even by people i knew. people who were once my friends but i dropped because they were a terrible person. you dont even know who i am. you dont talk to me and you dont write with me. but you probably follow me lets me real. you also were most likely more than one person which makes it even more pathetic that you guys bother to go around and harass petras off their own blogs.

look, honey, its the internet. its tumblr dot com. youre taking all this way too seriously. youve apparently been around for years which is….really sad, but alright. anyways, my point is that youre taking this way too seriously. you cant even say you arent because youre making multiple blogs and editing my pictures and stealing my graphics just to try and bother me because you dont like how i portray her. why does it even matter to you?? why would any of it matter?? she was never properly developed and shes seriously bland in actual canon. thats because her only purpose was to bring forth further development in levi and eren. its pretty obvious thats what it was.

listen my wonderful and amazingly dedicated fan, youre harassing someone who has already been through harassment and who has seen a lot of shit on tumblr. i already know this is just the internet. why do you think i wasnt even actually taking you seriously?? because youre behind a computer screen staying anonymous and youre attempting to harass some girl off her blog because you dont like how she portrays a really underdeveloped character. a character that people can write how they want because it makes it much more interesting. all the points youve made are so invalid and its because youre desperate to find something thats actually terrible. not everyones gonna like how i write petra and ive accepted that but the positive feed back is all i need to keep going and to remember that theres people on here who care about me and my petra. you dont have to like it. i dont care if you dont like it. shes a fictional character. shes not at all real.

hell, there are people on here to tweak their characters because their canon counterparts arent very likable. they saw the potential a character could have and want to bring that forth in their portrayal, their interpretation. thats really fuckin’ cool because thats bold and thats something barely ever done. i admire them for doing something like that.

youre a lovely fan. youre beautiful and youre determined. you have pushed through all these petra blogs, but youre wasting your time babe. its tumblr. its the internet. petra was pretty bland in canon because her purpose wasnt to be developed and i can admit that. theres little things in the manga that we saw that could help us see who she really was, but we wont ever get the big picture. shes not your character sweetie. you didnt create her. isayama did and hes the only one who can truly tell us how she is. its clear you probably dont know a lot about psychology, but a lot of her flaws that i set for her are based on the negative and positive symptoms. ( in case you didnt know, negative and positive mean something kinda different in psychology lmao ) im not a psychology major, but i am pretty good portrayals of mental illness especially ones that i do have.

basically, i run my blog. you dont. youre irrelevant. im the one getting the interactions. you can say what you want about it, but i know its a lie and youre just being petty. :-/ its better to just give up because theres nothing to even accomplish here.

im going back to ignoring you though ;-) because im respectful and dont wanna flood everyones feed with your garbage.

i love you my biggest fanxoxo

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀

[lovefromabullet]

Drafts Ill never send

Fucking christ you told me to talk to you even if it was a million rambly fucking words... even if what i say doesnt make sense it gives me an outlet to get it the fuck out of my god damn head and tonight I need to be out of my head because i already feel out of my damn mind... Its 11pm and Ive been a non-stop ball of tears since about 7... I cannot stop even if I wanted to this is coming out off shaky fingers ... I just fuck I dont even know how to process anything and my mood is dropping so fucking fast that i feel like i am spinning out of control i tried talking it out with my mom but that didnt help it made it worse... And now im sitting here with a tear stained phone staring at the razor blade on my bed thats taunting me.. begging me for release and instead i am gonna write here... My fucking head and heart are broken... so fucking broken.. I feel like I keep getting the god damn short stick in life and i cant help but wonder who i was in a past life that deserved this much ongoing tourment... I fucking hate it.. Ive been so broken down over the past decade that I cant wrap my head around people being nice or seeming to care... I am not worth it.. Ive never been worth anyones second thought or cares before...so why the fuck now..  I am nothing... I am merely dirt on the bottom of people shoes meant to be wiped back against the grass so that its not tracked through a house...People dont like staines and I am a stain on society..tainted goods... 

one cannot heal when they keep cutting back open the wound... if i could honestly remove my heart i would in a second... I cannot bear to feel like this anymore... I cannot keep doing the highs and the lows... the heartaches, the attachments... Ive found that when I love i love with every fucking fiber of my being but the bad thing about doing that is when that love leaves youve become so ingrained in it that it takes part of you with it... And because of that I am not whole.. my pieces are scattered... across the globe... Im left in every word typed, or late night sigh uttered... every phone call made.. Every person Ive ever loved even if it was one sided... Im not even sure most days who i am... I feel like ive reverted back to the fucking scared teenager I once was... the one that was so afraid to let people in that she hid herself away in the dark avoided eye contact for fear that someone would see the truth in her eyes.. the demons that she carried... The demons that ive tried to keep in locked boxes have been slipping out lately its like the locks have become loose and rusted and all the past is there waving begging to be remembered...begging to be dealt with...

i know that if you dont heal from what hurt you you are destined to bleed on those who've done nothing. that you will spend your life making people pay for someone elses mistakes... And Im fucking trying... God damn am i trying and it hurts like hell because most days i just want to sit and stop... to just breath wishing that time could stand still for a moment so that i can catch my breathe... because this world is moving too fast for me to keep existing in it... I want to just stop. i want it to just fucking stop all of it... all the pain...all the voices all the heartache i want to erase it i want to start clean in a new body with a non tainted past... i want none of my memories not the good not the bad i want this life to just be... fleeting

[viralhottopics]

Alone in the outback: attacks on backpackers play on deep-seated fears

While millions of tourists make their way safely across Australia, some shocking exceptions highlight the need for caution in the wilderness

Recent cases of abduction, murder and rapes in outback Australia have once again turned the spotlight on the potential for a dream trip to turn into a nightmare for vulnerable young tourists in isolated surroundings.

Among the millions of backpackers and tourists who have safely made their way across Australia, there are horror stories.

They resonate not because of their likelihood the number of travellers who fall victim to violent crimes is infinitesimal beside the wave of overseas visitors every year but because they tap into a primal fear.

This is the fear of being vulnerable in an unfamiliar place where ones assailant or predator is very much at home.

Its a fear that can only be magnified for visitors to Australia by the surprising scale and isolation of the country and its outback wilderness.

The situation of young travellers coming to grave harm in disturbing circumstances has been at the centre of a series of rare but high-profile cases in Australia over the past 25 years.

From 1992 to 1993, the bodies of five British and German backpackers were among seven found in the Belanglo state forest in New South Wales. Ivan Milat, serial killer and weapons enthusiast, is serving a life sentence for the murders of Britons Caroline Clarke and Joanne Walters, and Gabor Neugebauer, Anja Habschied and Simone Schmidl from Germany, as well as an Australian couple.

In 1997 Japanese tourist Michiko Okuyama, 22, drowned in her own blood inside a soundproof vault at a disused Cairns warehouse.

A 16-year-old boy had held her captive and repeatedly slammed her head against a wall, before carting her body through city streets in a wheelie bin and dumping it near a school.

In July 2001, British backpacker Peter Falconio was murdered by truck driver Bradley John Murdoch on a remote stretch of highway in the Northern Territory. His partner Joanne Lees narrowly escaped.

In 2014 French student Sophie Collombet, while walking home to her apartment, was raped and murdered at riverside parkland, also in the centre of Brisbane. Benjamin James Milward was jailed for life for the murder in October.

Of all these real-life horror stories that have befallen tourists in Australia, it is perhaps those involving the killers Milat and Murdoch that have attracted the most attention.

Their crimes jointly formed the basis for a 2005 horror film, Wolf Creek, about a gun-loving, outback psychopath who terrorises three backpackers.

John Jarratt, the actor who played the homicidal antagonist Mick Taylor, says the film, which has come to occupy its own place in popular culture, tapped into a fear of a situation he likens to anxiety about shark attacks.

Shark attacks are so rare but everyone who jumps in the water is scared stiff theyre going to get eaten, in part because of the massive wilderness that is the ocean and you cant see whats coming, Jarratt tells Guardian Australia.

Its a bit like that in the outback, with those kind of guys. Theres nothing worse than being crept up on by some maniac like Mick Taylor or some bloody big white pointer.

Like Wolf Creek, like Jaws, its everybodys nightmare and thats why the movies were so effective, but theres bugger all chance its going to happen to you.

Its just the illusion of it, really.

Ivan Milat lived in Sydney and he got hitchhikers in Liverpool, a city suburb. You dont have to go far out of a city to get done over by a psychopath.

Former police officer Neale McShane, who retired in 2015 after a decade policing a remote beat the size of the UK, said he could recall cases where the isolation of the outback carried inherent danger.

Several of them involved figures akin to Milat or Murdoch, McShane says, including one who forced another car off the road while toting a gun near the South Australia-Queensland border.

He was a bushie-type who knew how to travel off roads across the desert, went to ground and was never seen again.

In another case, a pig hunter with dried bloodstains across his car pulled in front of a traveller after trying to run his companions off the road, dragged him out of the car window, and demanded he pay money for a windscreen that was already damaged.

Fortunately the mans companions caught up to them and the guy backed off, and was charged with demanding money with menace, assault and dangerous driving.

But who knows what wouldve happened if he was there by himself, McShane says.

These are among the stories he has recorded in his memoir, Outback Cop, which was released in the UK last month.

Australia is a friendly country with friendly people and thats true, he says. But theres opportunistic criminals getting around like there is in every part of the world.

The most recent case this week prompted Rosie Ayliffe, whose daughter Mia Ayliffe-Chung was stabbed to death at a hostel in Home Hill, a small north Queensland town, to call on the Australian government to do more to guarantee the safety of visiting backpackers.

She has called for a safety website for backpackers, and for the government to run more safety checks and stringent regulation of accommodation for visitors who work on farms in a program to extend their visas.

The chief executive of the Queensland Tourism Council, Daniel Gschwind, says recent attacks have been horrendous beyond belief.

He says he is more worried about the person involved here and her family than Australias reputation for visitor safety.

The last tourism industry survey showed 644,726 backpackers who came to Australia in the year to last June, almost half of them staying for at least a year.

Nobody anywhere in the world can guarantee that nothing can go wrong, Gschwind says. But what we can promise is that if something goes wrong here, we have legal systems, judicial systems, a police force and most importantly we have a community that actually cares.

We have a well-deserved reputation for looking after people when they do come to grief, which should give travellers more reassurance than anything else.

I think we have to give travellers in the UK and elsewhere a bit of credit in that theyre able to assess that.

McShane doesnt hesitate when asked what advice on personal safety he would give to backpackers or their families who are contemplating treks across Australia.

Dont camp alone; camp near others, he says, adding that in the outback, a cars headlights can be spotted up to 50km away. Keep up your communications with loved ones much of outback Australia has no mobile phone coverage.

Tell someone who cares about you where you are and where youre heading to and check in when you get there.

And lastly, appreciate the gift of fear and trust your gut instincts about the risk from people who try to insert themselves into your journey.

If you think someones dodgy, take a picture of their car with an iPhone, tell police, sometimes police checking people out can be enough of a deterrent to whatever it is they may do, McShane says.

It doesnt matter where you are in the middle of the outback or the middle of London, youve just got to think of those survival skills you have.

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