#like yes let's pool our resources in this hellscape

[daqtranscripts]

Ep. 3 Transcript

Ep. 3 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 3

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Sophie: It’s a frigid night in the mountains, and we see a group of assorted humanoids — humans, elves, dwarves and other, less common races — huddled together for warmth inside dome cages made of sturdy wood.

Kenway: Thanks for your stories. What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Kenway: My name is Kenway.

Lazza: Are you good at a fight?

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: Hey, if we live through this… I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Sophie: Okay, you all quickly make your escape and head down the dark, wooded path, and before you catch up with the rest of the villagers, you see a familiar fresh face in Kenway as he smiles at you and says…

Kenway: I knew you all wouldn’t let us down!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everybody, and welcome to “Dungeons and Queers,” where the “Whose Line…?” references are made up and the rolls don’t matter! I’m not even trying anymore and it’s, like, the fourth episode.

Credence: [GROANS] Where the introductions should be re-recorded…

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: ...and… [BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING[]

Mara: ...Where Sophie should put some thought into a pun before it’s time to record the pun.

Sophie: Yeah. Well.

[COUGHS]

Mara: I hope this isn’t, like, indicative of the rest of this arc. [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Does anybody have a pencil? No, I have a pencil.

Credence: [IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] I brought my supplies!~

Sophie: I was prepared!

Credence: [CONTINUING SOUTHERN ACCENT] I’m ready for school!~

Sophie: Okay, um, so! [SIGHS] Basically, I have a little bit of reading to do, which I thought was a good place to start this off, and then I’m going to introduce a new mechanic to you all! Which you are not going to appreciate!

Mara: [WEAK CRY]

Credence: [RETURNING TO NORMAL VOICE] I had a feeling… You didn’t have to… You didn’t have to do that.

[LAUGHING]

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] For me? You shouldn’t have.

Sophie: Yeah, well.

[CROSSTALK OF CREDENCE AND MARA BEING SARCASTIC TO SOPHIE]

Sophie: I wish you would not have. Yes, yes. Anyways… Before we get started, I want to let the fans know that — I wanna remind everybody, I guess — that this is a d/Deaf-accessible podcast! We do have transcripts, and if you are looking to help make that happen, in return, I am willing to give you early access to these episodes! So if you’re craving, wondering what is gonna happen, get in contact with me via email or Twitter or something like that, and we will talk and, basically, there’s a Google Drive folder with some files in it that I can share with you, and basically you can listen to the episode early with the understanding that you are going to contribute to the transcription. Which basically just means you type what you hear! And the format of it is pretty clear if you’re on there, so if you’re interested in helping out with that… I know that our d/Deaf fans would really appreciate that, and, you know, there’s even some non-d/Deaf folks that would probably appreciate it too. I mean, whenever I watch a movie, I always have the subtitles on, you know.

Credence: Yeah!

Sophie: And there’ll be times when I’m listening to podcasts where they’re audio dramas and there was so much sound going on, and they had, like, people talking through a crackly speaker, and I was sitting there like, “I need to look up the fuckin’ transcript because I can’t tell what this garbled audio is supposed to sound like, is supposed to be saying, and it was plot-relevant.”

Credence: Yeah! I mean, I… I have sensory processing disorder, and that can… Podcasts are actually one of the few things that helps with that for me, because it’s mostly visual stimulus that makes it very difficult for me, but I know for other folks, like, being able to just focus on something without any kind of visual component is incredibly difficult. So there are so many reasons why it’s nice to have these, and I’m really glad that we are committed to making this accessible, and folks who are willing to help are fuckin’ radical! And...also you get to listen to the episode early, but if you leak ANYTHING… [LAZZA VOICE] Lazza will find you.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: And honestly, sometimes we’re just garbage podcasters and the crosstalk is unbearable, so, you know.

[VARIOUS AGREEMENTS]

Credence: Oh, GOD, yeah. We’re doing pretty good…

Sophie: Yeah, we’re doing okay! It’s a little hard, because three of us are talking into one mic, so there’s not much I can do when some of us start crosstalking. I can…

Mara: Build a crosstalk spray bottle. “NO! BAD!”

Sophie: Yeah, if the problem is Credence, then I can just silence Credence’s audio. I think that only happened just once, where, like, Joe was making a really funny joke and Credence was laughing too loud, and it was like, “I’m just gonna ~tweak~ this out.” But typically, the problem isn’t just Credence. But we’re actually looking into…

Credence: Thank you! I appreciate it!

Mara: We’ll just get a little spray bottle and you can spritz Joe or I if we’re being naughty.

Sophie: But anyways, we’re actually looking at getting involved with a local artist co-op that has a podcasting studio in it, so if our sound quality suddenly improves at some point, you’ll know that we’re involved with them, ‘cause they have really, really incredible setups there. But anyways!

Joe: It’s a marvel what people can do when they actually pool resources and get together and help one another.

Mara: WHOOOOOAAAA…

Sophie: Yeah, well, I mean, I’m an anarcho-communist, so…

Joe: Same.

Sophie: I’m all about this artist co-op, like…

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] Nah, co-ops aren’t good.

Credence: It’s fuckin’ radical. I’m super jelly of the setup that you guys are gonna be able to check out.

Sophie: Yeah, the only downside is that it’s mostly volunteer work, which means the wheels turn slowly, so they built this wonderful space because people are very motivated when it comes to building things and buying things with grants, but they haven’t put an online signup sheet to use it yet, to like, use the space, so like… I can’t use it yet even though it’s there and it’s just sitting, empty, and I keep emailing the guy but he hasn’t emailed me back, so we’re just waiting for the wheels of unmotivated artists to turn there.

Credence: Before we get started, should we talk about ways to get in contact with us?

Sophie: It’s all on the cover art of the podcast.

Credence: Like, I don’t know, do you folks wanna share your personal Twitters?

Sophie: Oh yeah! We should go around and say our name and pronouns and reintroduce our characters and stuff like that and, you know, who we’re playing, our characters’ pronouns, and then if you wanna be like, “And my personal Twitter is @this,” or whatever, we can do that. So, my name is Sophie Lastnameredacted, I am the DM, so I’m playing a whole bunch of characters, although only one that’s been introduced right now, his name is Kenway. And basically, you might know me from the “PolyAM Radio” podcast, where we talk about polyamory and unconventional, young, queer, trans relationship styles and stuff like that — it’s a blast, you should come check it out if you haven’t — and my pronouns are she/her/hers!

Mara: Uh…! I’m Mara Sunshine, I use they/them pronouns, I am @marasunshine2 on Twitter, and I am playing — and I have to break out this full name, it’s never gonna get used, ‘cause it’s unwieldy, but I’m a gnome — Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous. More names to come, I’m sure. They are a bardic gnome or a gnomic...bard…? I don’t know. And they also use they/them pronouns.

Sophie: Joe.

Joe: I am Joe Alias, my pronouns are they/them/she/hers. And I play Defiance, who...same pronouns, they/them/she/hers. Defiance is a tiefling war cleric. I don’t have a Twitter as of yet, but if I eventually set one up, I will let y’all know.

Sophie: I will say that the Twitter app is actually excellent at managing multiple accounts. Like, it’s not like Tumblr, where it’s like, you have to completely sign out, and…

Joe: Boo!

Credence: Tumblr’s the worst, that blue hellscape.

Joe: Ain’t that the truth.

Sophie: Credence?

Credence: Yoooo! Okay! My name is Credence It-Has-Nothing-to-Do-With-Clearwater-Revival. My pronouns are he/him and I play the character of Lazza the half-orc barbarian. Lazza’s pronouns are she/hers and if you wanted to reach out to me on Twitter, my handle is @aliensatemybaby.

Joe: Nice!

Sophie: Of course it is.

Credence: Yup. [LAUGHS] Gotta stay on-brand.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah! Okay…

Mara: Real quick — is that supposed to be like “dingoes ate my baby?”

Credence: Oh, you bet.

Mara: BLESS.

Sophie: Okay! Um… So… Now that we’re ten minutes into this recording…

Credence: Ah!

Sophie: Let’s actually play some fucking D&D!

[ALL SAY “HELL YEAH” IN VARYING FUNNY VOICES]

Sophie: Okay, so, where we left off, the villagers had gone — had been rescued and had gone down that path and you were going down the same path to follow them. Kenway had waited back behind for you—

Mara: What a good boy.

Sophie: Yeah, what a good boy. He is the Resident Good Boy™, like three baby golden retrievers stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

Joe: What!

Mara: Bless!

Credence: Lazza does not trust him.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Just so everyone knows.

Sophie: To be clear, is that because Lazza has a thing about dogs, or just because…?

Credence: He is a CHILD! You did talk about how he is a HUMANOID CHILD, so I don’t know why this has anything to do with DOGS—

Sophie: Just ‘cause I described him as a puppy-dog of a person.

Credence: No, just kids.

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Mara: See, and Ellywick is just, like, “YES.”

Sophie: “Yes. Good.”

Mara: “YES. GOOD. My people, but not.”

Credence: “I can look you in the eye.”

Mara: Yeah, right?

Sophie: Yeah!

Mara: “You have a lot more whimsy than the average human. Cool. We’re good here.”

Sophie: But anyways, the four of you kinda run ahead, and Kenway leads you to where this group of people is sitting, huddled and cold, in the forest, and you all make way for — basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven, and it’s famed as kind of a frontier-style town, but very...it has a long history of being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving. So it’s the kind of place that if you were to bring an orc horde to their doorstep, they wouldn’t necessarily bawk, just in case you all are pursued. So these villagers follow their shepherds, you three, on this cold night, as beings do when they correctly identify their only hope for survival. With little protective outerwear, these prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains.

You now face a terrible choice — allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved by killing the orc guards and making the orcs think they were under seige and close up and bar their doors, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold. Make your choice and inform their fate — drive them on or find shelter?

So basically, this is a new mechanic that I told you about that you all will not appreciate. These villagers are relying on you, but at the same time, you are all trying to make your escape as well, and you have to decide, basically — if you stop for the night, you will take a long rest, you will gain all your health and your spell slots (not that you all have taken much damage) but I can also...if any villagers die will be based on the survival checks that you all make, and there will be a much better chance that no one will die, versus if you continue on, you will lose some of the villagers, but you will maintain the head start that you’ve gotten, which means that you’ll probably...orcs probably won’t find you.

[GROANING AND MUTTERING]

Credence: I’m really glad that I got a proficiency in survival now.

Mara: See I know how Mara the person wants to play this, but I think Ellywick could go, really, either way with this, which kinda sucks. Perks of being chaotic neutral, I guess. So I think… I guess, question one, how are the villagers looking?

Sophie: As I said, they’re not really dressed for this. This wasn’t really an expedition that they were prepared to make, and a lot of them had had their outerwear stripped of them. So they’re looking kind of bad off. Most of them look like they could keep going, although they’d be very miserable, there are some older and some younger folks who don’t look like they’re doing so well, but basically, they’re all looking to you for instruction.

Credence: Okay, should we be… I almost think that, like… Mara, what you said, like, you wanna do versus what Ellywick would do is kind of...there’s some discrepancy there, so I almost feel like it would be better to talk about this in-character…?

Sophie: Yeah, absolutely, I think this is a conversation that needs to happen between characters.

Mara: Ye.

Sophie: Especially because, like I said, your alignment should inform your decisions, but it shouldn’t ever — in my mind — totally restrict your decisions. Because I mentioned in the intro episode, I think, there was literally a Star Wars expanded universe novel where Darth Vader stopped Emperor Palpatine from killing a Twi’lek orphan, and he’s a classic lawful evil character, so like, going against authority and stopping the slaughter of an innocent isn’t really Vader’s MO. And he went on to do more really gruesome things after that, but his gut reaction was still “no.” And there are reasons for that — there are character reasons, because Vader is a very conflicted character. I’m not even gonna say he’s an overly-compelling character, but he is a conflicted character.

[SOFT CHORUS OF AGREEMENTS]

Sophie: So, you know, this decision could be informed… To use Lazza as an example, Lazza’s not a “good” character, Lazza’s a neutral character. Lawful neutral. But if part of Lazza’s code of honor is you’d never leave anyone behind or something like that, then that could inform this. So I want you all to think creatively outside of your alignments, like, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m neutral, ‘cause an evil character would just leave them behind and a good character would maybe stay with them.” You know, a good character in this case might also leave them behind just because, it’s like, “Well, we have to protect as many people as possible, and we have the orcs behind us, and if we stay, we might not survive.” ‘Cause I will say, in the morning, they are gonna notice you’re gone and they’re gonna send people after you. That’s not me as a DM giving you hints or anything, that’s a conclusion your characters have probably made. So I think this is absolutely an in-character discussion, and I am super excited to step back and listen to it!

[CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Sorry about the sniffling, by the way, everyone. We all have colds.

[LAUGHTER AND CONFIRMATIONS]

Ellywick: So… What do we do, guys?

Lazza: Ah… Shit. Well, Ellywick, how many of ‘em are getting too slow to keep up a decent pace?

Ellywick: I… I don’t know…

Lazza: You’re a cleric, right?

Defiance: Um, that would be me, actually.

Lazza: Sorry. Sorry! I just met you guys.

Mara: All magic users look the same to you! [LAUGHING]

Lazza: [EMBARRASSED SPLUTTERING]

Credence: [VERY QUICKLY] #NotAllMagicUsers!

Lazza: Okay, Defiance. How many of these folks can’t keep up a good pace?

Credence: [STAGE WHISPER] Can we do, like, a medicine check or something, DM?

Mara: God, are you there?!

Joe: Yeah, why not? Do you think medicine or perception?

Sophie: I think perception, ‘cause medicine is your ability to heal them.

Joe: True. [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

Mara: Ooh!

Credence: Did you throw a rock?!

Sophie and Mara: You might as well have!

Sophie: It’s a critical miss.

Joe: Wow.

Credence: It’s because you threw a rock.

Ellywick: Um…

Lazza: Okay, so, fuck! At least they’ve got heads!

Defiance: Yeah, I don’t know! They’ve got heads!

Sophie: They seem cold to you, that’s what you got.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[PAINED LAUGHTER]

Credence: Did you also roll a critical miss just now?

Mara: I did!

Joe: Holy cow!

Credence: You cannot rely on Lazza here!

Sophie: It’s kind of dark and hard for you to tell.

Mara: Naughty corner!

Credence: Dice shame! Okay, Lazza’s gonna roll perception here. [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Okay, sloppy dice.

[INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLED CROSSTALK]

Joe: You already said we’d kinda notice the fact that people are stumbling.

Sophie: Yeah, but you wanted to know how many are gonna fall behind and stuff like that.

Joe: Oh!

Credence: [ROLLS DICE GENTLY]

Sophie: What’d you get?

Credence: Agh! I’m sorry, I keep getting sloppy dice! [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Well, I got an 8, which is better than fuckin’ everybody else!

Sophie: It seems to you like there are about maybe a fourth of the people who are so young or so old that they’re having trouble keeping up. That is not to say that you will lose a fourth of them tonight, or something like that, that is just saying that, you know… It is a considerable number of people that are going to be hurting bad if you do it, if you continue on. And I’ll tell you, I’m factoring in — I’ve got, basically, in my head, kind of, with this — factored in the fact that you have a cleric and stuff like that and the cleric, aside from burning actual spell slots, is going to be trying to use cantrips to heal and stuff like that to keep people going. If you want to use spell slots on them, that’s a choice that you have to verbalize to me, and that might change something or whatever, but you will also lose those spell slots. So… I’ve got some of those things that y’all are talking about factored in already.

Lazza: Okay. So it looks like a fourth of them are really struggling.

Ellywick: You know, I don’t think it makes much sense to free all of them from those cages just to let them die out here.

Lazza: Oh, I don’t—! Look… It’s… The path to Northpass Haven is treacherous on its own. We don’t have any supplies. We don’t… We’re gonna lose people. So if we make sure we, I don’t know, get as many people…

Credence: So Lazza’s kind of like, conflicted right now. But she keeps playing with this pouch around her neck where she keeps these stones…

Sophie: Yeah, sure, sure.

Credence: And she’s just kind of… She pauses for a second, and then…

Lazza: What about this — we send the people who are doing the best up ahead. Y’know, the path is hard, but it’s easily marked. They’ll be able to make it. They won’t have to worry too much about tracking it. But what if we send the folks who are doing the best up ahead and we stay back with the folks who are struggling and try to get them on their feet a little bit better, and then, if we get some ~visitors,~ maybe we can get some supplies out of them.

Defiance: [SURPRISED] I don’t think that’s a bad idea, actually! Especially if there’s some way…

Joe: I guess I’m a little bit curious. Since we did free that group of elves, too, do any of them have any knowledge or ability to either track or help us to better hide?

Credence: Or heal?

Sophie: So basically, what I had envisioned for this is that, kind of all of these — even the elves — are civilian elves, basically.

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: Not particularly woodsy?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. They’re not like… One of them is a barrel maker, and one of them is a potter, and one of them is a carpenter, one is a candlestick maker, yeah, sure. You know, innocuous, everyday jobs that, even in the forest, groups need.

Credence: Okay, well, that aside…

Lazza: So what do you guys think? Ellywick, what do you think? We stay back with the folks, we try to work on getting them on their feet a little bit better, heck, we could even try to backtrack and ambush some of the orcs as they’re coming and trying to look for us. We could get some supplies out of ‘em. I mean...I dunno.

Ellywick: I, ah…

Defiance: Do you know if it’s typical for them to all come at once or to send, first, a scout or two?

Lazza: Well, I mean, each...everybody had their own smaller raiding party. So, you know, there’d be...four to six people.

Credence: Sophie, I’m trying to base this off of what I thought I remember you telling me last time?

Sophie: Yep! Yep!

Credence: But, um, okay…

Lazza: So it’s — and especially with terrain like this, it’s easier to travel quickly in small numbers… As we know here, this isn’t going exactly great. They’ll probably be sending out parties of… I wouldn’t say more than six or seven. Which, if we can get the drop on them, we might be able to get some stuff so we can at least clothe the folks who are struggling the most and give a head start to the folks up the path.

Ellywick: But what happens if the orcs go after some of these people?

Lazza: I mean…

Ellywick: Then they’re even worse off.

Lazza: Well, no shit, Sherlock! But like...being dead sucks!

[SOFT SNICKERING]

Defiance: The general idea, if I understand you correctly, Lazza — either way, if the orcs went toward the healthier people, they’ll find us first, and they’d have to get past us.

Lazza: Exactly. [STAMMERING] We give, we give ‘em a jump start and we can focus on hiding these folks who are struggling, try and get ‘em a bit better, and-and hopefully, by-by-by ambushing these guys, we can, you know, we can get some clothes, at least, for ‘em.

Ellywick: Alright. We can try it.

Defiance: If we can at least give the weaker amongst them a bit more rest, perhaps I can try to heal some of them, or at least give them some sort of medical attention… Mayhaps they’ll become just strong enough to eventually catch up with everyone else.

Ellywick: I can help a little with the healing too.

Defiance: [PLEASANTLY] Oh! That’d be much appreciated.

Lazza: [ENTHUSIASTICALLY] And I can carry at least, like, two kids! So, like…!

[LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: You do that!

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everyone! Welcome to the middle of the show! My name is Sophie Lastnameredacted and I am here with...the ads! Sorry.

So we don’t have anyone who’s taken out an ad on the show yet, which is totally fine, but I just wanted to remind everyone that we are offering ad slots starting at just $5/episode. These are some great opportunities to get your book or online shop or podcast or whatever you want immortalized.

I also want to talk to you all about our Patreon. The link is on your cover art, and we have reward levels starting at just $1/month, and it would really help us out if you could donate, because, actually, we are considering going weekly with our episodes! And it would really help to have a little bit of financial assistance in doing that. That’s a really big undertaking, and it’s gonna take a lot of work from the people doing the transcripts and the person editing the audio — me — and that would be a huge help if you would consider supporting us! I’ve mentioned in previous episodes what the rewards are, and I’m sure I’ll talk about it again eventually, but right now, I just want to keep it brief as I can for this episode, ‘cause there’s some cool stuff coming up that I really want y’all to get to!

I wanted to take a moment to thank Acqua Toffana, our current only Patron, thank you so much! I also wanted to remind everyone that if you Tweet about the show using the hashtag #DungeonsAndQueers, you might get an NPC named after you. We’ve got some NPCs, not so much in this episode, but coming up in the upcoming episodes, that are named after some people who Tweeted about the show that are probably gonna become pretty big parts of the campaign! As long as the characters don’t go murder-hobo on them. We really appreciate your support, we would appreciate it if you could tell at least one friend about us this week, because we did not have the money to advertise, so if this is gonna take of, it’s gonna be by word of mouth.

I also wanted to mention real quick — I mentioned transcripts earlier, and if you’re interested in helping us continue to make this podcast d/Deaf-accessible, then join us and become part of our transcription program! You’ll get access to early episodes and a bunch of other cool stuff — well, I shouldn’t say “a bunch of other cool stuff” — you’ll get access to early episodes, and you’ll get my eternal gratitude and you’ll be part of our little group that’s working on it. It’ll be really cool and fun, and you’ll be part of, you know, making media for people who communicate a little bit differently, which is always an excellent thing.

I also want to give a shout-out to kenwaylights, who is transcribing this audio right now. I am eternally grateful for you, you are absolutely the best, and I just want everyone to know how amazing you are.

I think that’s everything that I wanted to get through! Next episode might be up next week, depending on how quick we can get through ‘em. We’re gonna do a little bit of experimenting and try going weekly with our episodes for a little bit and see if that works, see if it’s doable for us. If we do decide to do that, there may come weeks where we occasionally skip uploading an episode, and I’ll try to let y’all know on Twitter when that happens. It’ll generally be around things like exams and stuff like that. But right now, we have a pretty big back-catalogue. As I’m editing this audio and everything, we’re actually already into the second arc of the show, which is really exciting! But I want to get these episodes out there so people can listen to them, and hopefully support our show!

So, yeah! Just thanks a million, and I hope you’re enjoying this content… Ooh! And one more thing that I wanted to mention — so, generally speaking, in Dungeons & Dragons, when adventurers go adventuring, they’re not necessarily fleeing captors, they are going into dungeons and finding loot and things like that. And, you know, certainly we’ve had an unconventional start to this podcast, and I’m not gonna necessarily say that the rest of the podcast is gonna be totally conventional, but I will say that there are gonna be times where I want loot for them to be able to find! And I think that having them find 100 gold pieces or whatever is useful in utility, but I don’t think it’s as interesting from a storytelling standpoint. So that’ll certainly happen, but I also wanna lay down really cool magic items and artifacts for them to come across at various points in time.

So if you’ve got a favorite magical item in D&D, whether or not it’s a homebrewed item, send it to us by email or on Twitter or whatever! Just email or Tweet at us! And it might very well end up in the show! I’ve got an interesting mechanic that I think is gonna be, maybe, introduced at the end of the second arc, maybe? In between the second and third arc as far as a way for the players to pick some of their own magic items and stuff that they wanna buy, because I don’t wanna make it too accessible within the story where it doesn’t make sense, but I think that part of the fun of D&D is having really cool, useful, and sometimes a little bit broken, items that enrich the story. So if you could help us out with that, please please please, it would mean so much. We’ve already gotten a few suggestions on Twitter, but if you’ve got more, please send them to us.

So thanks a lot for listening, next episode will hopefully be up next week and...don’t date your best friend’s dad and don’t date your dad’s best friend? No, that’s the wrong podcast! I will talk to y’all later! Bye!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay, so explain to me, in a sentence, what you all are doing.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back for a long rest with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: Oookay! Take a long rest. Cool.

Mara: Can you give me back my pencil that you absconded with?

Sophie: This was from my backpack…

Mara: Oh! Someone absconded with my pencil! Hmm. Oh! Never mind.

Credence: I feel like Lazza is looking kind of pleased with herself at this point. ‘Cause, like, last time her plan wasn’t great, and it seems like this plan was a little bit better?

Sophie: Yeah, she completely sidestepped my moral quandary, so.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: That’s what you do when you’re Lawful Neutral!

Sophie: Yeah, well.

Credence: Um, uh… I was gonna ask something, and now it’s just gone. Never mind. Oh, actually, yeah! How are the villagers reacting to Lazza at this point?

Sophie: I think they’re… I think that a good deal of them are trying to keep a healthy distance, but a lot of them are probably looking at you with more confusion than with outright fear. I… You know, more confusion than outright fear, and they’re not like...it’s kinda like Defiance’s situation, where they’re not thrilled about you, but in this instance, they’re glad you’re here. Do you know what I’m saying? Does that make sense?

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Like, you’ve kind of proven yourself to them.

Credence: So, do we need to roll, like, survival stuff to see if we can keep— Well, okay, first of all… Mara, Joe, do you think it’s better for us to have them...like, should we find a place just off the path a little bit where we can hide them?

Joe: Yeah, I think so.

Credence: And then we can rest and kind of patrol the path.

Mara: Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

Credence: Okay, I’m gonna roll — hold on. Would investigation or survival…?

Sophie: I think, um… Survival, we’ll say.

Credence: To, like, find a good spot and see how many survived, or do we do separate rolls?

Sophie: Um...no, I think just one is fine.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: ‘Cause your survival is going to be, in this case, dependent on your ability to find a place.

Credence: Right. [ROLLS DICE] Uh… Well, that’s gonna be a 16. It’s not terrible.

Sophie: Okay! Yeah, you are able to find a...it’s not super well-hidden or anything, so it’s not really a place you can stay, but you’re able to find a cave, and hole up in there for the night. And I think with a 16, you said?

Credence: Yes.

Sophie: I think with a 16, I’m gonna say none of the villagers die that night, but they’re not magically energized in the morning or whatever. Like, this did them well, and you didn’t lose anyone, but a good night’s rest wasn’t exactly had by all, and even if it had it wouldn’t have been...these people probably need days to recover.

Joe: Does it aid at all if I use a medicine check?

Sophie: I was kind of factoring in that you would make a medicine check, but if you want to make a medicine check, that’s fine.

Credence: Well, and like, I mean, they’ve got better rolling for that than just me doing one survival check.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] I got a 24.

Credence: HOLY SHIT.

Joe: [FUNNY VOICE] I rolled good!

Sophie: I think with a 24, you… Again, with a roll that good, they’re better off in the morning than they were, but again, this is putting a Band-Aid on a pretty big cut in this metaphor.

Joe: Before the long rest, would it be possible that maybe I can make an assessment and see who’s the worst off and use cure wounds?

Sophie: Again, I think with these people, part of the problem is they’re young and old, and that’s not really a condition that you can alleviate.

Joe: Gotcha. Okay.

Credence: It’s exposure, like, there’s no wounds. It’s just…

Sophie: Yeah, exactly. Mmkay, actually, so… You’ve got about 30 of the villagers go on, and about 10 of them stay with you, including Kenway. And… [HUMS TO SELF IN THOUGHT] Yeah! So now you all are taking a long rest; you regain any spell slots you spent, everybody’s up to full health, and we are gonna take some time to have some conversations. Is there any conversation that y’all wanna have with each other, or…? If you say no, that’s fine, I’m not expecting you to say certain things or whatever, it’s just that this is an opportunity to get to know each other if that’s what you think your characters would attempt to do.

Mara: I think Ellywick probably wants to try and figure out Lazza, at least a little bit, ‘cause like...it doesn’t really make sense, you know?

Ellywick: So, not to be rude here, but um...you seemed like you were pretty good buddies with those orcs back at the keep, there… Why are you running away?

Credence: So I’m picturing them, they’re kinda sitting around the fire, and Lazza was maybe kinda sitting off by herself before Ellywick came to join her.

Mara: Probably, yeah.

Credence: And she’s got the stones that were in her little pouch, she’s got them out in her hand now and is rubbing them together.

Lazza: Look, the point is, I got you out of that mess. What more is there to it?

Ellywick: Well, I’m a sucker for a good story, and that seems like a pretty interesting story. If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine, but...I dunno, we’re sitting here, so you might as well tell me.

Mara: Should I roll, like, a persuasion or something?

Sophie: Ah, if Credence thinks you need to.

Credence: Uh… You know what? Yeah, I think you do.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Oh no, you’re gonna let the bard roll persuasion.

Credence: Well, what am I— Would this be a contest, DM, against my…?

Sophie: Yeah… We’ll say it’s a persuasion versus a wisdom check. Not a saving throw, just a check.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE, PAUSES, BURSTS INTO RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Joe: Ooohh…

Credence: Oh no. What?

Mara: Nat 20, so…

Credence: Yeah, that’s not going anywhere!

Mara: 25 when you add in my modifier, so…

Credence: Yeah, no, no. I get it.

Lazza: Well, I was born in a cabin, and…

[EVERYONE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Credence: No, no.

Joe: Entirety of my life story.

Mara: Right?

Lazza: Well, I’m glad you asked. So…

Mara: Breaks out into a big musical number. Ellywick’s, like, entranced.

Credence: [SINGING A TUNE] No. I think Lazza just is staring into her hand for a second.

Lazza: Look, I know it’s easy to think that all orcs just act like that, but I just… I couldn’t do it anymore.

Ellywick: Well, why’d you do it in the first place?

Lazza: I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Ellywick: I can understand that. Well, uh… I’m glad you made the right choice, Lazza.

Lazza: Yeah. Well, we’ll see. We might get killed in a lot worse ways. I think… I think I’m glad I made the choice, too.

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda takes out their sword and leans on it, and is like, “Well, I’ve got this bad boy over here, so, ah…” [CLICKS TONGUE RHYTHMICALLY]

Lazza: Yeah, you also have the ability to make somebody fall over in hysterical laughter, which, by the way, that was fucking terrifying! And I think I should let you know, I don’t really trust you! So…!

Ellywick: [NONCHALANTLY] Eh, don’t worry about it! I won’t use it on you unless you piss me off!

Mara: And they kinda grin up at you.

Sophie: I don’t think Lazza’s comforted by that…

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Probably not!

Credence: Lazza just kind of closes her fist around those stones and puts it back into the little po— the little satchel, and, like, very, very intentionally walks across to the other side of the fire…

Mara: I think…

Credence: ...and lies down very far away.

Mara: I think Ellywick knows about the “gnomes will steal your teeth in your sleep” or the “gnomes will steal your teeth” superstition, and they kinda call after Lazza—

Ellywick: Be sure to watch your teeth tonight!

Mara: And they don’t mean it at all, they’re just fuckin’ with Lazza at this point. Just a little mischievous shit.

Sophie: Just an awful person.

Joe: Christ…

Credence: Lazza, like, doesn’t say anything, but she...purposefully pulls her axe closer to her, like she’s holding it like a stuffed animal…

[ERUPTION OF LAUGHTER]

Mara: Great. Yes. Good.

Joe: I sorta think that, like, if this were a video game, a little thing would pop up in one of the upper corners saying, like, “Lazza will remember that.”

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Lazza will not forget that. Um, thank you, that was a wonderful interaction.

Mara: Oh, yeah, yeah. [GIGGLING]

Credence: I don’t know, is there anything… I think… It’s not because I don’t want our characters to get to know each other, it’s just like, Lazza’s not...particularly, after having just done this escape thing, and like, now being responsible for her ex-captives’ safety, I think she’s just kind of… She’s not in a sharing mood.

Joe: Right. I think for their part, Defiance is...pretty busy with trying to tend to all of the people. It’s not so much that they’re ignoring anybody, they’re kind of making themselves busy.

Mara: I, um… I think Ellywick can kinda tell that — and after that conversation with Lazza — I think they can kinda tell that, like, Defiance is obviously busy and doesn’t wanna talk, and Lazza really doesn’t wanna talk, and Ellywick’s okay with that. But I think they kinda just take out their pan flute that they were able to conceal on them, and they sigh sadly, and they go…

Ellywick: Well, it’s not Tania’s lute, but I’ll go back for that someday.

Mara: And they kinda glance off into the distance and they have this little murderous glint in their eye because it’s their goddamn favorite lute. But they take out their pan flute and just start playing some songs.

Sophie: Yeah! Um, before you start playing, you hear a voice from behind you meekly say…

Kenway: What’s a lute?

Ellywick: You don’t know what a lute is?

Kenway: No. I’ve never seen one before.

Ellywick: It’s a, uh…

Credence: Who’s talking?! I’m sorry.

Sophie: Kenway.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: I think Ellywick… I have to stop saying “I think” before every goddamn sentence! Ellywick takes out a stick and kinda draws in the dirt the outline of a lute and then the strings and everything and goes…

Ellywick: It’s a musical instrument, and this one was pretty special. It was given to me by a fae queen who I spent some time with.

Sophie: Yeah, I think Kenway kinda sits down next to you, and says…

Kenway: Well, I know what it’s like to have things you don’t want to lose.

Ellywick: Oh yeah? Why’s that?

Kenway: Well, I… I’m not an adventurer, and I’m just a kid, but you’re a bard, and your lute helps you do magic and stuff like that and it protects you, and you protect it. And I’ve got something similar.

Ellywick: What is it?

Sophie: He kinda looks around and then, kinda satisfied that no one else is really paying attention or around, he pulls out this large gold coin that doesn’t really have the mark of any currency you’ve ever seen on it; it’s not just a gold piece, it’s...akin to how you might look at a silver dollar now, where...you could probably get something for that, but nobody really uses it as money.

Mara: Mm.

Sophie: You know what I mean? And he says…

Kenway: Well, this was my dad’s, and he gave it to me before he died. He told me that as long as I have it, it would keep me safe. And things haven’t been perfect, but...when I look at what’s happened here, I have to believe that this thing is keeping me safe and got me rescued and got y’all not to leave me behind.

Mara: Ellywick kinda smiles and puts their arm around Kenway’s shoulders and is like…

Ellywick: Well, I’m glad you have that coin there.

Sophie: So I think Lazza actually sleeps uneasy, just because she was hoping to have some sort of contact with her ancestors by having this big, important thing.

Credence: Right. Also I think we’re taking turns doing the watch and stuff.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. And as Ellywick is by the fire, gently playing the pan flute, Lazza kind of drifts off to sleep, and…

Mara: Joke’s on her, Ellywick’s bewitching them! No. [GIGGLES]

Sophie: So as Ellywick is playing the lute—

Mara: [FAKE-ANGRILY] PAN FLUTE.

Sophie: Pan flute, pardon me…

Mara: They don’t HAVE their lute!

Sophie: No they don’t.

Mara: Wonder who did that.

Sophie: Yeah, well… Probably God. So, Ellywick is playing their pan flute and Lazza is drifting off to sleep, and actually, in your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear the pan flute in your dreams, which is probably unsettling. But actually, at one point, and I think probably Lazza doesn’t know her musical instruments very well, but at some point, it changes.

[GENTLE HARP MUSIC]

Sophie: Instead of the light, airy sound of a pan flute, it turns into this beautiful, melodic strumming noise, and it sounds like strings being plucked. And it’s harp music. And the dream suddenly becomes very vivid. You don’t really see much of anything, it’s mostly colors and shapes and feelings, and you hear this harp music, and in the midst of this vision, you hear voices whispering… This cacophony of different voices, which, normally, I think when you hear your ancestors, it’s maybe two or three voices intermixed, very few, but this is all your ancestors are all reaching out to you at once with one phrase, three words.

“Trust the harper.”

“Trust the harper.”

“Trust the harper.”

“Trust the harper.”

Credence: This is really cool…!

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: But wouldn’t it be “harpist”…?

Sophie: Nope.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: “Trust the harper.” The voices swell a little bit, and maybe you hear one voice in particular that’s like, [VICIOUSLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: Ah!

Sophie: And Ellywick is still playing the pan flute, and I think…

Mara: I think they kind of look over, though, like…

Sophie: Yeah, like, Ellywick stopped playing the pan flute and is like, “You okay?”

[LAUGHTER]

Lazza: What the hell is a “harper”?!

Ellywick: You know, I’m not too familiar with harps. That’s not my bag. But I think a harper is someone who makes the harps.

Lazza: [GROGGILY] Okay… I’m gonna go scout for a little bit.

Credence: I think Lazza wants to get away from this music as quickly as she can, ‘cause she’s a little disconcerted that something that felt like it was involving her ancestors got mixed up in the music of a bard. ‘Cause now she’s not sure if she was bewitched or not, I guess.

Sophie: Okay! Sure.

Ellywick: Have a good patrol!

Lazza: [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER]

[OUTRO — THEME MUSIC]