#like yeah my mom's aunts and parents were Literally immigrants because there was a call for

[eclipseandshadow]

one of our readings for last week talked about how in some cases immigrants from third world countries are recruited/incentivized by first world countries in order to create a new source of exploited labour within that country to reinforce the hierarchy of racial/class systems and i haven't stopped thinking about it

[veraciousverax]

I have a lot to say on this. One of my aunts called me 2nd generation cuz she went to bc she went to college here (and cuz she’s jealous..), whereas I was born here; but bottom line, my parents were both fobs, but started undocumented, both had to go through an immigration process that literally impacted the trajectory of my life- no matter who I lived with.

The fact that I went through so much custody and guardianship drama is BECAUSE I’m first generation lmao but yeah. My dad was 1st generation and went through it to. It’s unique bc he wasn’t around; and his same mother raised me, so we had a similar experience in that sense.

2nd generation would be someone (like Dinah) whose parents figured all that stuff out so they could have a more seamless experience here. Bonus if they had a schooling experience here. Yes, I also lived with Dinah’s first generation mom who got here when she was 10, but all the instability is characteristic of the 1st Gen experience. My father lived with Dinah sr among others.

So my dad, aunts, grandparents even great grandmother on my dad’s side got here pretty early compared to my mom’s side- she literally got here when she was 19? 20? To a non-family who disowned and deserted her as soon as she got pregnant with yours truly. So yea

[a-cai-jpg]

this is a very stilted post.

I have a collection of songs that make me cry.

I'm not in the habit of playing them very often. I don't even save them in my YouTube favorites, or my wormhole of a Spotify account. I kind of leave it up to fate for the familiar melody and lyrics to find me again, and on days where I feel especially brave, I'll queue it up on a drive. But only on a drive.

I watched a variety show about songwriters a few months back, and one of my favorite contestants said something along the lines of, "I think everyone has a theme that they just can't touch."

Sometimes, it's because the pain is still too raw. Sometimes, it's because we're too fearful to truly reckon with the sorrow, unwilling to drink it in, let it roll around in our mouths as the bitter flavor penetrates our tongue, and feel it burn on the way down.

I don't listen to the songs often because I'm afraid I'll become desensitized, that the most humane and most compassionate part of me will become numb.

But also because I'm not in the business of seeking out pain.

I used to be obsessed with tragedy, chasing it with a sort of masochistic relish because I thought you could never be as human as you were when you cried. It's kind of like why people really like those sad, touching Thai commercials that make you bawl your eyes out without fail every time.

But as I grew older, I realized there really is something that I can't touch. Sometimes, I tongue the edges of it, prodding with caution, but only on very, very rare occasions do I peel away the protective layer. There are some things I can't watch, can't listen to too closely, or else I'll feel myself unravel around the edges.

And not gonna lie, but now is not a time I'm willing to tug at the ends of the thread. So instead, I'll let a past me do that.

When I was a sophomore in university, I submitted a monologue for the annual Asian cultural show. It was submitted anonymously, because at the time, it wasn't something I was ready to talk about.

(it still isn't, but i have gotten more practice talking about it in the years that have elapsed.)

See, what had happened was, I was watching Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo (disappointment of my life, sorry the Chinese version is better even though the Korean cast is bEaUtIfUl), and suddenly, I had a mini-panic attack about death.

It was the dumbest thing. I was watching Park Soondeok try to woo Wang Eun, and the silly girl--bless her heart--hunted a whole bear to express her love for him. I remember the scene had startled me, because she popped on screen with a bear skin covering her body. And I was like, "Uh that's like, a lot of bad karma right."

And I don't really know how karma works, but I suddenly remembered something that my grandmother had said a long time ago. She said that she was a sinner, because she's "killed" so much for our family.

In Chinese, the words she used were 杀生, which literally means "kill life" but generally, animal life.

She said it because she is the main chef of our family. Whenever she visited China, our family would go through a bit of crisis because that meant either my grandfather cooked or my mom's boyfriend cooked.

Once, my grandfather served me Palmier cookies and the same fried rice we'd eaten for a week for dinner. Often, my mom's boyfriend chopped up carrots and celery to dip with ranch for dinner.

It was great.

(no, but our family barely functioned when my grandmother was gone. those six months would be us sitting silently around the dinner table, daring each other to be the first to try a dish.)

Weirdly, that little thing she said stuck with me. And in that moment, sophomore year of college, sitting in my top bunk watching Scarlet Heart Ryeo, I panicked.

I can't really dissect why I panicked. But the result was this ridiculous plan that I had to stop eating meat for the rest of my life to collect all the good karma for my grandmother.

(yeah, so that didn't last because I literally got sausages that weekend cus hello, continental breakfast.)

It wasn't that I never thought about death or my family members dying before then. In the second grade, I read a story about the friendship between a squirrel and a leaf, and cried and cried and cried when the story ended and the leaf died, not because the leaf died but because the leaf promised to be reborn, and would be reborn at the turn of the year, but humans wouldn't be.

But for some reason, all of the separate moments of panic and fear dispersed over a decade culminated in that moment, as I watched Soodeok pull the bearskin off of her head, and I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

So I wrote a monologue. The original draft was very, very long and very, very detailed, and I probably went through half a box of tissues writing it. I eventually cut it down and didn't save the first copy because I never wanted to read it again.

The theme of the monologue comes up every time I talk about my Chinese American identity. It comes up in personal statements, in creative narratives, in discussion groups, and in the Facebook likes I dish out whenever I see a relevant Subtle Asian Traits post. It's the sense of biculturalism and the accompanying endeavor to somehow reconcile my reality with that of my immigrant parents and grandparents. It's the weary acceptance that ultimately, there may be no reconciliation, and all that's left is regret.

Whenever someone asks me what my favorite food is, I would say spring onion noodles. But this is the funny part--I will never order them in a restaurant. Some time in middle school, I went on a family trip with my extended relatives in China. Every time we stopped to eat, my aunt would order me a bowl of spring onion noodles because she knew I loved it so much, and every time, I would make a face and say, "Grandma does it better."

See, I don't know if she actually does. I just knew I liked hers more.

After my grandmother returned to China, I started making spring onion noodles myself, because it tasted more like home even if I never got it right.

I also really like dumplings. My grandma makes the best dumplings, but I'm afraid to ask her to make them, because the last time I did, they were too salty. Now, I'm afraid to ask her to make spring onion noodles too, because maybe my memories tasted better than the real thing.

But the real, real reason I'm scared is that I'm scared she's getting old. I'm scared her tastebuds are not the same as they were when she lived in Monterey Park, cooking in our second floor kitchen.

In my senior year of college, I called my grandmother for the first time on my own. The moment I heard her voice, staticky over the long distance call, I started crying, and it was stupid because I had to pretend I wasn't crying and I was trying to talk normally and it was awful because it was the kind where your voice came in hiccupy stutters, and she definitely knew I was crying because she kept asking, "Why did you call? What's wrong?" while acting casual, for my sake.

When I was in the eighth grade, I was walking a friend's German Shepherd that ended up dragging me across the pavement in the park. It's a story I tell a lot, because it is truly hilarious in hindsight, but the ending goes like this:

I go home crying, because my glasses broke and I have cuts on the back of my left hand and down my face. I take a bath, something I grew out of doing years ago, and my grandmother doesn't reprimand me. She sits next to me and speaks in that vaguely disapproving voice of her, the tone of so many old Asian ladies, and tells me that life is hard and you will meet people that you don't get along with, but you just have to suck it up. And I start crying harder, because she cared.

That day, she also followed me from the front door of our house to my mom's master bathroom, asking, "What's wrong?"

We talk a lot about the Chinese zodiac in our household, more when my grandmother and grandfather still lived with us, but my aunt brought it up a few days ago. In the Chinese zodiac, the ox and the sheep are foils to each other--me and my grandmother. When I was little, I would say, "Ugh, this is why we fight so often." A few days ago, my mom said, "That's why you and grandma never got along," and I stayed silent.

I sometimes tell people that my grandmother is more like my mother figure, and my mom is more like an older sister. And my mom hates it. But, it's because everything that others associate with an Asian mom, I associate with my grandmother. All the memes about immigrant mother bringing their children peeled and cut fruit are about my grandmother, fending off my complaints about having to eat apples every single day, and stubbornly bringing me sliced apples and pears. All the stories about immigrant parents expressing their love through the words "Come eat. Food is ready," is my grandmother who singlehandedly kept her family together through sheer will and a kitchen stove.

Sometimes, when I'm brave enough to talk to people about how I feel about her, I would say that I would gladly give her half of the rest of my life, just so we can leave together. I'm scared her life would be less than perfect, and I wish I made money earlier so I can take her to Cambridge and Rome, but I'm also scared that I'm selfish and weak and unable to give her what she really wants.

Anyways.

Four tissues later, here's the monologue:

I am obsessed with time.

I am obsessed with time, but I hate the way the second hand moves relentlessly in an endless loop on the face of an old clock. I am obsessed with time, but I hate the way the mention of it tightens my throat, squeezing until the pressure travels to my heart and lungs, and finally settling somewhere deep in my gut.

I was told that time is linear. The Second Law of Thermodynamics. Chaos and disorder grow infinitely—there is no going back.

When I was little and time was but a tiny grain of sand in a large, foreboding hourglass, I believed in guardian angels. They were the ones who caught me tumbling from a swing, having flown too high on my too weak wings. They were the ones who waited outside the gates of my elementary school—a familiar face of comfort floating amidst a crowd of foreign visages. They were the ones who promised me plates and plates of hand-wrapped dumplings, and most importantly, they were the only ones who could cook spring onion noodles with a sunny side up egg the way I liked it, and no restaurant could ever hope to get the taste just the same.

But also, when I was little, I believed that guardian angels existed outside of time. They were immortal, they gave me life. But as the number of years they conferred to me increased, they seemed to become more and more human.

Sometimes, I’d blink, and for a terrifying moment, I’d catch glimpse of an elderly couple, backs hunched and hair splattered with grey, standing in my kitchen.

This is me, a girl obsessed with time. I had the liberty of being born and raised in the United States. My Chinese immigrant parents labored long days at work, and my grandparents were given the roles as my primary caretakers.

My grandfather was the quiet one, a retired electrical engineer who made it his mission to somehow teach me to love mathematics. My grandmother was the loud one, previously a librarian—the irony, I know—who never went to college but could calculate prices of groceries faster than I could pull out a calculator. I grew up dancing around their peculiar dynamic, seesawing back and forth between going ant-watching with my grandfather as I recited the Chinese timestables and trying to finish too many platters of food my grandmother piled in front of me as she told me stories of life back in China—in the good old days.

Growing up in California, it was inevitable that I saw the United States as home to both me and my family. It was where I had spent nearly two decades of my life—and where my mother, grandmother, and grandfather had spent nearly two decades of their lives.

And yet, two decades was not nearly enough time. Space could not be reconciled, and time was rendered obsolete.

Home, for them, was not our little town in the suburbs of LA. When my father passed away, my mother said, “We don’t have enough money to bring him home.” She’d said it carelessly in front of me, perhaps thinking 6-year-old me wouldn’t notice, let alone understand. But 6-year-old me did. Home, I realized, for them wasn’t home for me.

The thought was terrifying. I realized that there will come a time, when I’d return home, and it wouldn’t be the same place my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather returned to.

I began to play with the idea of condensing time and space. How great it would be, if home was simultaneously California and China. Time differences, traveling time, the Pacific Ocean would be utterly abolished, and our hearts would return home together.

But time flew by and the pile of sand grains at the bottom of the hourglass grew without my noticing. I hadn’t yet the chance to tell my grandparents about my meditation on time and space, and suddenly, my grandfather decided to return home. Time had seemed to warp, fastforwarding the years I’d taken for granted, and now refusing to slow down.

Here’s the thing—I do not wish to be selfish. I want my family to be happy—to return home—but I am terrified that my own fragile notion of home will shatter in return.

Because the reality is, home isn’t physical space. Home is, in all truthfulness, time. Time I’d spent with my family, and the years I have left to spend with them.

I’d let time slip through my fingers as I tried to come up with this theory of “home.” I’d tried to condense “home” into a condominium, apartment D, a large peach tree shading the backyard. Yet now, the tree has been cut down, and my mother speaks of moving to a city forty minutes away. What then, I ask myself, is home?

Home is the promises I’d made to my grandparents—promises I’m no longer sure I can keep because I cannot cover large enough distances with so little time. Home is the way I could never tell them “I love you,” and the regret that builds in my heart as I realize that home is a ticking time bomb that threatens to throw the world into chaos. Entropy increases. Things fall apart.

In a little bit, home will be too many miles away, too many hours away, for me to return to. Home will be in a foreign city surrounded by a peculiar amalgamation of unfamiliar modernity and history she’d lived through. Home will be on the opposite shore of an ocean I cannot swim across, with no one to cook spring onion noodles for.

I am a girl obsessed with time. I’d been blessed with a lot of time, and yet, I’d tossed it all out of the window of my second story bedroom. I am a girl obsessed with time, and I’d trade in my soul for it to reverse, so I can make home a little more concrete, a little more happy, a little more lasting. I am a girl obsessed with time, and when I wake up 2:30 in the morning, I think I can see the sands rushing down the chute of the hourglass, and the sight of it tears me apart.

I am a girl obsessed with time, and I would like to apologize to my beloved mother, grandmother, and grandfather for taking so much of it for granted. If I had another run at these eighteen years, I only hope to reach this conclusion sooner and fulfill my promises.

Dear grandma and grandpa,

I am a girl obsessed with time. Every day, I pray to God to give you a little more. How had the time flown by so quickly? Was yesterday not the day you brought me on the airplane for the first time? I can still taste the juice of the grapes a stranger had given us—snacks for the little girl—in the back of my tongue. Yet now I’m no longer the toddler you held in your arms. Grandma and grandpa, time is rushing by on a train I cannot seem to catch. Will you forgive me for reaching our home a little too late?

Love.

(i included my favorite part in a creative narrative project i did for a class in college. if you want to hear it in my voice: here.) (pls don’t click for the sake of my voice bc i sound like a literal duck. click for my grandparents wandering around hangzhou.) (also, if it is different its cus i tried to fit it in somehow with a longer poem i was writing.) (i don’t like poems.)

The reason I wrote this isn't that I wanted to pick at a scab. I heard a song recently, from the same songwriter variety show, that I had blindsided a few months back. I heard it at around 1 am in the morning, and I cried.

Here is the collection of songs:

橘子 by 邓见超

考试考得好不好啊？ how did you do on your test? 有没有拿到大红花 did you get the big red flower? 老师夸我是个乖仔啊 my teacher said i was a good kid 奶奶自己保重圣体吧 grandma, take care of yourself 长大了 出息了 要晓得回家 when you grow older and do big things, remember to come home 别忘了这里的青山和路弯 don't forget the green mountains and windy roads here 记得要带一瓶辣椒在身上 remember to bring with you a bottle of peppers 还时常跟妈妈报平安 and often let your mom know you're doing fine ... 房子旁两棵树都被砍掉了 the two trees by our house have been cut off 墙上还贴着小时候的奖状 my childhood awards are still plastered on the walls 一个字一个字 好像昨天啊 each word, each word, like it was just yesterday 宝贝儿子啊 吃饭了 son, it's time for dinner 再不回家妈妈要教训你了 if you don't come home now, mom's going to be mad 这个淘气的孩子跑去那里玩了 this mischievous kid, where did he go? 找他都找不到人了 i'm looking for him, but i can't find him.

一荤一素 by 毛不易

一张小方桌 有一荤一素 a small, square table with one vegetable and one meat 一个身影从容地忙忙碌碌 a figure good-naturedly bustling about 一双手让这时光有了温度 a pair of hands allowed this time some warmth 太年轻的人 他总是不满足 the one who is too young, he's not satisfied 固执地不愿停�� 远行的脚步 stubbornly unwillingly to stop the footsteps traveling far away 望着高高的天走了长长的路 looking at the far, far sky; walking a long, long road 忘了回头看 她有没有哭 he forgot to turn around to see if she's crying 月儿明 风儿轻 >the moon is clear, the wind is light 可是你在敲打我的窗棂 is it you, knocking on my window? 听到这儿你就别担心 now that you've listened till here, please don't worry 其实我过的还可以 actually, i'm doing okay ... 你又可曾来过我的梦里 have you been to my dreams lately? 一定是你来时太小心 you must've been too careful when you came 知道我睡得轻 knowing that i sleep lightly 一定是你来时太小心 you must've been too careful when you came 怕我再想起你 afraid i'll miss you

父亲 by 筷子兄弟

时光时光慢些吧不要再让你变老了 time, time, please slow down. don't let you grow any older 我愿用我一切换你岁月长留<<br>i'm willing to trade everything i have for more years and months for you ... 微不足道的关心收下吧 please accept my inadequate care for you 谢谢你做的一切双手撑起我们的家 thank you for holding up our family with your hands 总是竭尽所有把最好的给我 always doing everything to give me the best ... 我是你的骄傲吗还在为我而担心吗 am i your pride? do you still worry for me? 你牵挂的孩子啊长大啦 the child you think of has grown up now.

时间都去哪了 by 王铮亮 (this is a cover)

时间都去哪儿了 where has all the time gone? 还没好好感受年轻就老了 haven't even truly experienced youth, and i'm already old 生儿养女 一辈子 took care of children my entire lfe 满脑子都是孩子哭了笑了 all i can hear is the cries and laughter of children 时间都去哪儿了 where has all the time gone? 还没好好看看你眼睛就花了 haven't even looked at you carefully yet, and my vision is already blurring

if only... by ozi

如果可以把時間退後 if i can rewind time 別讓命運把妳給帶走 i won't let fate take you away 對妳能說著我最近做些什麼 i want to be able to tell you what i've been doing these days 希望別再錯過 i hope i won't miss it again 如果可以讓我跟她說 if only i can just tell her 願意付出我所有為了 i'm willing to trade everything i have 能換一點時間just to see you again for a little time just to see you again 別再擔心著我 so you don't have to worry about me anymore

[theletterformallyknownasq]

Maitreyi - October 10th, 2019

Nancy: So, I want you to let people know who am I sitting across from? Can you tell everyone your name and where you're from? And what brought you and your family to "The West"? Maitreyi: Yeah, I'm Maitreyi Rey. I immigrated from India in 1996 with my family, my parents and my brother who's four years older than me. And I think what brought us was economic promise. I think that was the main idea. And it's been hard, I think, trying to pull at the thread of what else was there, too. But I think that that was the main reason for wanting to come here.

Nancy: And have you returned back home?

Maitreyi: I've been to India several times. That's been interesting for me in reading these [interview] questions, and I guess maybe I should have brought this up to begin with, was that I don't know if I consider that home. 

Nancy: Can you talk a little bit about that and how you would define home Maitreyi: Yeah. My experience with being an immigrant feels like what I've learned is that home is almost a state of displacement and community. So I find home so much in specific places, but they're mainly based on who I can share them with. And even with my biological relatives, not many of those people who I'm close to, who I consider family, are nowhere near where my family's origin story is from. Because of all kinds of things: like loss, of opportunities in places that were called home. I think [home is] just like an eagerness for change and wanting to have a greater role in the rest of the world. I don't know if that really answers your question. Nancy: No, it does I think that that's an honest response to "Hey, I don't , I don't really know how to talk to [00:02:00] this conventional definition of home with a homestead, shelter. Maitreyi: Yeah. Nancy: Two and a half kids and a picket fence, you know. Maitreyi: Yeah. Nancy: So I want to talk a little bit about borders. And [how] it actually may be influencing your definition of home. Can you describe what a world without borders would be like for a person like you?

Maitreyi: Mmm, so many things. I think about the role of borders so often in the specific history of Indian immigrants and Indian people. So like, my dad's side of the family is Bengali. And my mom's side is from a place in India called Tamil Nadu. And they're very culturally different. They don't share the same language, the same food. They have really different norms for living in a society together. And so it's hard that those two very separate experiences that have been divisive my entire life between my parents are like homogenized in the US as Indian. And within that, the history of Bengali people is so fraught with  the violence of borders based on the initial delineation of nations after decolonization in the 40s, between Pakistan and India, and then again in 1971, there was the partition of Bangladesh. And there's a few really great, like really great contemporary, poets and filmmakers, who have been  contending with that violence, but it almost feels like such  a shard, you know, in this cultural memory of pain — like separation of a community. And it's really strange because as I get older, I watch that same kind of shard being targeted and used in so many contemporary issues with borders. So many issues with people needing to mobilize because of environmental collapse, you know, created by neocolonialism. And so I think in the Indian, at least in my specific relationship to Indian-ness, this, one thing I'm really, really struck by is how we have this lived memory of violence in our community, like the violence of borders. And then so many Indian people will immigrate to the United States or Britain or to the West and then participate in forms of modeled minority, you know, stereotypes and also continue to perpetuate super capitalist and hetero-patriarchal norms. Nancy: Yeah, what brought you and your people away from home and like what has brought and what has kept you here? Even just kind of speaking in the same realm of these forces and elements that are socially constructed and manufactured in this place in the world. Maitreyi: Yeah, so I've been thinking about this so much recently, and I'm so grateful for this venue and to be able to talk about it with you, because it's hard to parse through. I've been trying to write a poem about my family's immigration narrative, but I think dialogue might be a better process to get there. So literally, the story of my parents immigrating to the states is told in a simplified way. My parents were doctors in the Indian Army. And my mom's sister had immigrated to the states with her husband several years ago, and they were also doctors. And I'm learning now, so much of Indian immigration coming in these waves of doctors and scientists was based around a very specific  Indian Immigration Act of 1965. So all these things that seem normalized in media, like ER, the image of the Indian doctor have very specific historical origins, but live in our cultural imagination. Yeah. Well, also, like the American state had created a certain category of what profession or occupation or educational background they wanted, they were willing to allow Indian immigrants in, determined by a quota. So, those are the people who could apply. You know, so it creates a certain, and then those are the people who are probably going to have the most normative success and privilege in their home country if they're able to obtain  schooling to be a doctor. But so, my aunt had already come here, and my mom had decided she didn't want to come to America. And my aunt was like, “Well, I'll apply for you.” And within, you know, 10 years or whatever it is for a sibling to  vouch for the status of their sibling, it's like 10 years or something for the application period. So my mom was like, whatever. My parents were in India with me and my brother who were little babies, and as they were moving this document that my mom's sister applied for fell out of a cabinet. And they realized, they were able to now move if they chose to. And I think about that constantly. I think about the fact that if my mother didn't have a sister,  you know, my father's an only child; if my mother's sister hadn't applied 10 years ago and decided, maybe one day you'll want to do this. There were so many if's and privileges and people, and intentions that were put in place in order for us to be able to immigrate here. If any one of those things had changed, even a little bit, maybe I wouldn't have come here when I was three and a half. Maybe I would have come here when I was 13, which would have changed my experience.

Nancy: In which way? Maitreyi: Like, my experience of being an immigrant here. I guess my point with that is that it doesn't just happen. There's so much time. And I guess I don't know what it would have been like if I was super young when I or if I was older when I came here. But I feel like something I see Americans just kind of say about the immigration process is there's this imagination that it just happens. Like, you get the right forms, the "right forms". You put certain things together and it just happens. But even in my family, where we had all kinds of privileges and advantages, my aunt had to apply and wait for 10 years you know if we needed to save money for the application, or if we were in all kinds of different situations, if my mother didn't have a sister, so many things could have changed. I don't know, it's a really long story, sorry.

Nancy: No, I love it, it's nuanced. It also gives me a lot of perspective of like why my family's still here? Just like being mindful about really marginalized vulnerable people who are escaping from home and are also maybe meeting more danger where they're going. 

Maitreyi: Yeah.

Nancy: So bringing that into the next question. Borders can change the moment you cross them. So by definition, our identities are fluid, or just ' queer'. And sometimes we don't have the agency to define ourselves due to power dynamics and struggles and this false sense of security in the West around keeping you safe from home. I'd like to talk about American amnesia and US imperialism and racism, not just domestically and how it's affecting immigrants experiences coming here, but how are they transitioning from home due to US involved conflict or US conquest, or expansionism?  Maitreyi:  Yeah, I mean, I think so much about the environmental impacts of that. More recently, and it's devastating. Even in India, the last time I went was I want to say, I think 2016 or 2015 and I was there with my mom. And just seeing how clear deforestation and environmental effects were causing villages to have to rapidly become manufacturing to create industry, despite not being hospitable for the land. I feel like in America our scope is so limited. There's so many people really struggling with the real ramifications of what it means to not be able to support themselves on the land that they were  given through generations. Yeah, like, stripping that environmental memory and relationship is such a process of dehumanization that the US just trucks in that is our method of perpetuating our capitalist regime. It's devastating. I think it even extends to the way that you see the history of a Palestinian relationship to the land, you know, things like eating grape leaves and olives and knowing how to grow and sustain yourself with the climate there. A lot of that has been re-appropriated as Israeli, within contemporary media, and it's just disturbing. I feel like there's a sense nowadays that we assume that even despite the obvious and violent immigration, atrocities that happened in the US, I think without we assume that things aren't still as violent as they were in the early 1900s when Europe basically , picked off countries in the world and decided who to colonize. And it's very much actually the same. It's like happening on a corporate level. I think that's really disturbing. And I don't know, those are the kinds of things that have been on my mind. With regard to the refugee crisis, and just with how hard and alien and disturbing it is for people to leave where they've historically been from, especially if it’s due to the land or environment being inhospitable. That kind of pain lives in  so many immigrant communities, and it's really beautiful that then those people go on to like, create their networks and feed each other despite not being able to find what they could back home. I don't know. That might be kind of rambling... Nancy: No, it's perfect. I also just wanted to thank you for bringing up environmental justice in this conversation and climate change. I wanted to  talk about neo-colonialism, right, like it was about occupation, it was about land. You know, you're acquiring land and expanding territory, and then ultimately creating borders to protect those things. Maitreyi: Yeah. This has like been so on my mind with the history of immigration in the Indian context because , on the whole, for a lot of  reasons that I've mentioned, including  the Indian Immigration Act of 1965, Indian immigrants, I would say specifically Hindu Indian immigrants who come to the US tend to be apolitical or conservative. And there's so many images of this in society like Dinesh D'Souza and Nikki Haley. Coming from India with a lot of privilege already and a lot of just structural and generational benefits and I think the reality of caste is not realized that much in the United States. I read in the foreword to The Annihilation of Caste, which is by the person who are the Indian Constitution. That at the height of Jim Crow, the amount of Black people being affected by Jim Crow, if you multiply that by 10, that is the amount of low caste and untouchable people that are being affected by the caste system currently. It's like a tenfold number. And that figure is not being used to say that the violences that have impacted or continue to impact Black people under The New Jim Crow is minor, it's just to give you an understanding that casteism so alive and never talked about. And I think a lot of that is because Indian immigrants don't want to talk about it, don't know how, and it is such a lived facet of life.

Nancy: How it’s shaped and changed. Maitreyi: Yeah. So I think about that in terms of how then I see  a lot of Indian immigrants participate in corporate capitalism; have really conservative ideals. I think it's that's part of the neocolonialist logic is asking  some non black and non indigenous people of color to participate in , quote-unquote 'benefits of white supremacy', like economic promise or like participation in corporate capitalism. The breakdown of their own humanity and like at the breakdown of larger solidarity with people of color broadly and indigenous people broadly and, the environment broadly like, it's just like a really devastating thing. 

And I think that's one reason why I define home as this displacement because I like, I don't want to I don't want to like build home family or coalition with a place that now lives as just kind of like a nostalgic memory for a lot of Indian people to  live in society now. And claim in some kind of  nostalgic, diasporic fantasy, it's like, what are we doing about it? If you really miss the mangoes of our homeland, what are we doing to like, support agricultural workers there? You know, why are we like continuing to work for these corporations? Why are we voting conservatively? Don't just  pay lip service or like pay this  false homage to  your aunties who, like, worked on the beach or whatever. It's like, there's still people doing that. It's not just where you come from. It exists now. You know, like, I don't know.

Nancy: Thank you for sharing. So, to switch up a little, more or less, but still talking about your politics, just maybe going more into your passions and your vision. Let's talk about identity, human aspect of immigration. How do you identify and describe all the things that describe you. Maitreyi: Yeah, I identify as a Femme, Trans Boi. I identify as Queer. I actually identify as a boi of dyke experience.

Nancy: What gives you joy? Maitreyi: Oh my gosh, so many things. Language. I'm a poet. And I think lately I've been remembering how much just language, like sheer language, brings me so much awe in the world. And that's everything from like words games to even jibberish words that little kids come up with. Definitely food. My life is really big on food. I'm a fishmonger. So I cook a lot of seafood. I work as a fishmonger. So I cook a lot of seafood and I feel like that's just been super exciting, especially being in Minnesota where it's so gray. Like, there's something so like, vibrant and alive about the color of salmon or, you know, something silvery and really slippery and it just makes me feel really creative and excited. Nancy: And how do you define community? Maitreyi: Um, I think of community as like, you know how like mushrooms have those like rhizome networks? Nancy: No? Maitreyi: So, mushrooms. The way that they communicate is they have this horizontal, underground rhizome network. And it's hard for scientists to define like a single fungus as a life because it is attached to a whole body of lives. And like, that's how they communicate about like, temperature and when to send spores and stuff. But that's how I think of community as they sort of feel like yes, all these individual pieces are alive and on their own, but that's not the point. Like, the point is each individual's  growth but also the growth of the network, and the ability to move quietly underground. I think that, when I feel really alone, that image, it's like being supported by something dark and underneath and like always holding you.

Nancy: That is a really sound visual. I love that! I love that description. Maitreyi: Thank you! Nancy: And then finally, the one question, how do you define 'queer'? Maitreyi: Really? Oh my God, that's rough. Um, I'm not sure. I.. Well, I think it's like radical curiosity. Yeah. For me, my queerness and transness has been like, this jumping off point. And I could be jumping into just so much doubt, which I often am. And it's been exciting to allow myself to experience the unfamiliar and not knowing and having to figure out through  experience that, I guess is what my queerness really feels like. Because, I remember figuring out for myself that I was Queer, and it was more like it was something I had known about myself that I was looking for the right language to like fully hold, but that was not at all how I experienced being trans. For me, being trans was like I got punched in the face, like, all of a sudden, someone threw a rock and a window and it everything was different. Like, I lived for so long, absolutely sure about my gender identity. And then suddenly being trans was like, what's going on? And like, how is this word appropriate for me? I've never felt like this before. And so for that experience, I felt like what I learned is I'm still fem, but like, I just needed the right container, which for me, was like a boi, you know, and I still honor so much of my womanhood. It's really important to me. But yeah, in all of that, though, what I learned or what I really felt helped me grow was this radical curiosity. Because I could have been afraid. I could have been like, “this feels weird”, “this feels different”, “I don't want any part of it.” And now, I've been on testosterone for 10 months. And I have these 20 hairs. And I'm obsessed with them. And it's so funny, like, oh my God. If I was 15 and you told me, “you're going to be so jazzed about your chin hairs,” I would have freaked out! Like, I never thought I could want to be a dad. I didn't know that was a want I was allowed to have.

Nancy: So, this last question is about policy and you kind of talk a little bit about immigration policy earlier. But if you can address the most influential public figures, decision makers in Minnesota, what would you say about improving the standards of people like yourself living in the state? Maitreyi: I feel like at this point, the disinvestment from corporations that are contributing the most to environmental degradation. I wish that as a city of Minneapolis, that as a state of Minnesota, we could make decisions on a local level of disinvest from these companies rather than posting, I don't know, pamphlets or whatever, about not using straws, you know, or like shaming people for using cheap plastics in their homes for whatever reason when we are seeing the rapid effects of these 10 corporations. So I think that we need to maneuver political will in an explicitly "de-growth" mindset. I think at this point we need to focus not on environmental, or rather economic growth, but "de-growth" and reforestation. So, those are the biggest things that I feel concerned about.

[sometimesrosy]

One thing that always bothers me about discussions about Aurora is that no one really discusses the likely circumstances of how she got pregnant in the first place. I find it hard to imagine that she deliberately sought to have a second, illegal, child. The pregnancy likely was an accident. And, perhaps like in our current society, when she realized she was pregnant, she decided not to go to medical and get an abortion. She made a choice, like women today do all the time. What's wrong with that?

Yes, I am also upset by Abby telling Clarke, “it’ll be your instinct to protect everyone” and Clarke being willing to risk her life at 16-17 to inform the Ark about the O2 because it was her dad’s desire. I think it’s a horrible situation to put a teenager in. Not that Clarke doesn’t do a kick-ass job saving the world with Bellamy Blake, but their parents did put a ton of pressure on both of them. Abby, Aurora, and Jake aren’t cupcakes, although they all had noble intentions. I don’t have an-

anti-mom bias. I love my mom dearly, and she’s amazing. But her own mother had 6 kids with a man who abandoned them all and subsequently tried to commit suicide and split up her kids to foster homes, where one was sexually assaulted and another lived under literal bridges. Today, a lot of my aunts/uncles have fallen into drugs, mental health problems, physically abusive relationships, deep debt, and one has stollen expensive real estate from the others through coercive practices. Some of my–

cousins are happy and successful, others are so depressed they can’t leave their rooms. I do, I guess, have a problem with moms procreating when they know point-blank their kid is being born into a horrible situation. Sorry. It’s great Octavia found a way out and gets to be a hero. I’m happy the story has a “happy” ending if we can call it that. But it’s like China’s one-child policy. Sure, the government is oppressive and totalitarian. But how much harder are you making your life by having–

a second child within it who can’t even make human contact with others from the day she/he’s born? On some level, you must have a slight problem w/Aurora’s choice to have baby #2. Unless she was raped. I’m not saying I support her aborting Octavia at all. But if she actively chose to get pregnant with her, it does make me raise my eyebrows a bit because she wasn’t just making choices for herself/risking her own life. She was risking Bellamy’s (& Octavia’s). But I do like that you’re getting us-

to think more holistically about the situation. I surely don’t support telling those who are poor not to have kids - that’s nuts. All my ancestors were poor when they came to the US. But if they were told the next kid they’d have would live in one room or under the floor, yeah, I’d have a problem w/that. I see it as child abuse. I’m sorry, but I do. I know it’s fiction. I don’t hate Aurora; I know she loved her kids & tried to do right by them. But she made a hard situation nearly impossible.

You say you don’t have an anti-mom bias, but you do. You just explained it. Where it came from and why. You blame MOTHERS for the world being fucked up and hard and the trauma they experienced and bringing kids into the world. You just blamed your grandmother for her husband leaving her and the subsequent generational trauma. You did. And your mom made it out and half your cousins did and you’re still blaming your grandma for the ones who didn’t. Not your grandpa, apparently. Which i find interesting. But pretty typical.

The one who takes on the burden of responsibility is the one who is blamed. The one who disappears is let off the hook. That means you blame mothers and not fathers. That is a bias. And that is part of our society. We ALWAYS blame the mothers. Where are the men? Gone. Let’s blame single mothers, poor mothers, mothers on government aid. The ones who have been abandoned to struggle in a world, taking care of children without help. How did Aurora get pregnant? No one knows. It was clearly an accident, a birth control fail. But someone was having sex with her. Someone fathered that child. 

And yeah, there are lots of immigrants who have children irl here in one room, as illegals, knowing they could be sent back, knowing that they’re poor and HOPING they are giving their children a better life. A chance. This is current reality. Children make life harder. Even if you have resources. That’s just the way it is. But they also give life purpose. 

We’re all fucked up. The world is fucked up. And it’s not your grandma’s fault and it’s not Aurora’s fault. I think so often, we blame the victims for being victimized and trying to regain some control and not being strong enough in the face of horror and suffering. 

I’m not saying that the Blake’s family life wasn’t messed up. It certainly was. But this does not automatically make Aurora abusive. She did what she could in this unfair and horrible situation and Octavia came out of it sane because she was loved. That wasn’t just Bellamy, it was Aurora too, she taught Bellamy to love, and she loved Octavia. 

You said she made a hard situation nearly impossible, but I’m going to challenge you on that, because what she did was create the heroes of the world. Hard doesn’t mean failed. Struggle doesn’t mean undeserving. Bellamy and Octavia are STRONG. They survive no matter what. Bellamy CARES for everyone. Octavia has an unswerving concept of justice (even when she goes wrong with it she never stops reaching for justice.)

People see hardship and confinement and they say villain and abuse. Completely ignoring the STRENGTH and FAITH it takes to persevere in impossible situations. 

Sorry. I’m not for Aurora hate, and that’s what a lot of it is. It’s not canon. It’s fan bias. We have so many reasons why we get to feel justified in blaming Aurora. It’s not actually a good world for mothers that we live in. We blame them for everything that goes wrong in a child’s life, and not the system that leaves them to care for children alone when men abandon them, when society doesn’t support their ability to provide. When they are disrespected on an institutional level. 

Y’all got your social justice causes. Poor mothers are not cool or sexy. They are easy targets to blame. Blame Aurora. Sure. Nobody cares.

I wrote this yesterday and it’s been sitting on my computer all day and night, because it turns out this issue is personal to me. I’m not going to say I am offended, because I think people jump to offense far too easily, and I understand that we are all a part of our society, and this ‘blame the mothers’ and ‘blame poor mothers’ is built into it. I thought this before I was a mother, so it’s not just about me going through it personally as a mother. And I do think people write Aurora and Abby as villains in their fanfics because society says that horrible mothers are uncomplicated conflict, because mothers are the ones that ruin their children’s lives, as a given. I also understand that not everyone has experience with poverty, which I am happy about, so they have a hard time understanding what it means to grow up in poverty, to try to find a meaningful, hopeful life in poverty, to have a family when you have no opportunity. But I’m going to post it anyway, and hope that you don’t take it as a personal attack, but, like you say, an attempt to shine a light on a cultural norm that is actually toxic and misogynist.

[yumikat]

rip here we go bois. was tagged by @kwamimusings (yeh bud) i’m very canadian so i changed all the “favorite”s to “favourite”

Rules: Answer the 20 questions and tag 20 like 2 because i’m lazy amazing followers you’d like to get to know better!

Name: let’s go with Yumi

Nicknames: see above. idk y’all can make nicknames or smth??

Zodiac Sign: gemini

Height: 6′4″-ish

Orientation: i sexually identify as an attack helicopter (jk i’m straight)

Ethnicity: chinese

Favourite Fruit: i would kill a man for an orange slice. vitamin c flows through my veins. 

Favourite Season: winter. snow. yes.

Favourite Book: ohhhh boy. i will still have to say the original pjato series, though harry potter and lunar chronicles are really good. 

Favourite Flower: what. 

Favourite Scent: this will sound weird but i like the scent of my friends. also butter frying smells reaaaaally good

Favourite animals: cattens are life. though wolves and marine life are pretty cool too. 

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Cocoa: sauce me my tim hortons iced capp

Cat or Dog Person: did i say i love cattens because cats are my life

Favourite Fictional Character: there’s a lot of those. let’s go with homestuck characters - tz, dave, vriska, roxy are up there. 

Dream Trip: ??? uhhh hiking the lotr scenery in new zealand or driving up to the northern territories to stargaze with mes amis

Blog Created: octoberish 2015?

Number of Followers: 134

What I Post About: whatever’s on my dash + my art. (typically homestuck, voltron, ml, and dumb posts)

Do I get asks on a regular basis: naw son

Aesthetic: stuff that is aesthetic is like really nicely lit photography with good contrast levels, but my aesthetic is like idk neons/pastels/rainbows and crap. i guess idk. 

Hogwarts House: HUFFLEPUFF PRIDE!!!!! WE HAVE NEWT AND WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU 

right so i wasn’t sure if i was supposed to do the next part but i’ll just put a cut right here because it’s getting long

Rules: Write 92 rules about yourself, then tag 25 people. who even knows 25 people

LAST ___:

Drink: watermelon juice at a hot pot place Phone Call: probably my mom????? Text message: i don’t have a phone but last IM thing would be a group chat with some girls from church Song you listened to: no idea let’s say the heathers soundtrack Time you cried: i teared up for logan

HAVE YOU EVER ____: Dated someone twice: “Kinda need to date someone once to do it twice.” -aaron Been cheated on: “Again, kinda need to have ever been in a relationship in order to be cheated on.” -aaron Kissed someone and then regretted it: “Can’t regret it if you’ve never kissed anyone. (Insert picture of guy tapping his temple here)” -aaron (haha single squad) Lost someone special: no, luckily Been depressed: i don’t get affected by much so no Gotten drunk and thrown up: i’m. underage. 

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS: turquoise is a blessing to this planet, maroon is pre nice, black is the colour of my soul but it doesn’t count, so there are certain shades of pink that are pretty nice, even though i’m a non-conformist. 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU _____: Made new friends: ya bud new girl in the ib fam and some kool kids here on tumbs Fallen out of love: *insert joke about the bitterness of school* Laughed until you cried: @mrs-linny-universe remember that post with the googly eyes Found out someone was talking about you: no...? Met someone who changed you: i think everyone you meet changes you, because if you never met them then you would be a different person completely and the path of your life would have diverged (is that enough bs yes it is let’s move on) Found out who your true friends are: what does that even mean it sounds omnious Kissed someone on your Facebook list: wat. (actually, yes. i peck my friends on the cheek all the time)

GENERAL: How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them. i keep getting friend requests from friends of friends in edmonton and it confuses me because do i know you? no.  Do you have any pets: i had a crested gecko named charlie but he died Do you want to change your name: no? What did you do for your last birthday: i think a movie with my friends.  What time did you wake up: 9:30am here, 6:30pm back home. heck yeah time zones What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping lol i only slept 3 hours during the 20-something hour travel time. 

Name something you cannot wait for: for ib to be over and for hiveswap to come out When was the last time you saw your mother: she’s beside me right now hi mom What is something you wish you could change about your life: i never really thought about it?  What are you listening to right now: parents/aunt/uncle/grandparents chatting Have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah man. every time i see him i say hi to him but he’s neurodivergent so he never really replies Something that is getting on your nerves: vpn is slow but it’s better than not talking to my friends for 2 weeks.  Most visited website: email and tumblr Elementary: classified High school: classified, but it’s a private school and we have hoodies with our uniform which is pretty nice College: i’m still in high school rip Hair colour: black. i’m asian.  Long or short hair: got a pixie cut a few months ago, i always grow it out really long and then chop it off again Do you have a crush on someone: i guess??? What do you like about yourself: arty art Piercings: naw son  Blood type: idk but mosquitoes love me and i hate mosquitoes Nickname: we’ve already established this Relationship status: married to @seokgis​, in a side relationship with @thelifeditch (jokes i’m single) Zodiac sign: we’ve already gone over this Pronouns: she/her  Favourite TV show: idk i guess ml or voltron for animated and stranger things for live action? i don’t think about this much.  Tattoos: underage lol Right or left hand: right

FIRST ____: Surgery: naw son Piercing: lol Best friend: first bestie i remember is this girl named sharon back when i was like 3-7 i think.  Sport: mom forced me to do swimming but i really liked skating before i was too inflexible Vacation: does immigrating to canada count, bc then i think it was the time my friend dz and i went to capilano Pair of trainers: i think this means either bike trainers or what british people call runners but i still don’t get what the question is asking so sure?

RIGHT NOW ___: Eating: just ate an orange. they are my lifeblood Drinking: i literally never drink liquids it’s so bad for me (but yeah i just drank some oj and i’m laughing because i didn’t even realize) About to: sit here and waste time on tumblr, maybe do some tok, probably sleep because we’re going to leave for the airport at like 3-something-am for the chinese tropics or smth Listening to: we’ve done this let’s move on Waiting for: i live in the moment. *snickers and breaks down in laughter because the real answer is i have no idea* Want: sleep, maybe? i always want to sleep. also, like aaron, i would like a hug.  Get married: like i said, i’m already married (jk i’m still in high school, but yeah i would like to get married in the future) Career: “your high school career is very important” - said no one ever (or maybe it’s everyone ever, who knows)

WHICH IS BETTER ____: Hugs or kisses: hugs Lips or eyes: eyes  Shorter or taller: like think is for ppl im interested in right. taller, then.  Older or younger: older would be less weird? Nice arms or nice stomach: arms? i ain’t spending time looking at ppls’ stomachs Sensitive or loud: what.  Hook up or relationship: relationship Troublemaker or hesitant: lemme just ask WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS

HAVE YOU EVER ____: Kissed a stranger: naw song lol Drank hard liquor: what defines hard liquor, because i’ve sipped some like really high percentage alcohol but i don’t drink. Lost glasses/contact lenses: rip my contact lens just fell out of my eye once.  Turned someone down: um i don’t think so? Sex on first date: SHEILD MY INNOCENT EYES YEESH I’M 16 I PREACH ABSTINENCE Broken someone’s heart: idk about broken, but maybe Had your own heart broken: nope :) Been arrested: i’m too young for this Cried when someone died: no one really close to me has died so no Fallen for a friend: haha everyone i’ve fallen for has been my friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ____: Yourself: yeah? Miracles: if i didn’t i would have to not believe in Jesus (awkwardly phrased but i think you get the picture) Love at first sight: if you see someone and you just “fall in love” then that puts love lightly. i think that love is something really serious and needs to be developed.  Santa Claus: i’m too old for thi-- JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING Kiss on the first date: depends on who Angels: yaaa. again, comes with my faith (i hate phrasing stuff like this because it makes it sound trivial but i honestly don’t know how to say it)

OTHER ____: Current best friend’s name: i have several Eye colour: brown Movie: oooooh boy. i love lotr but i’m also that one person that loves every single movie, even the ones that every say sucked. proof: i absolutely loved suicide squad. i’m also a cinematography nerd but i just fangirl over the shots and never really think about them lol

okay i tag everyone who read this to the end and the people who i mentioned earlier because i’m really lazy