#like who knew a movie about fckin facebook could be this good

[majestic-jade]

he-who-must-not-be-named

it was exactly a year ago when i realized i had a tiny-tinnie crush with an acquaintance (he was actually close friends with my close friends but yea we weren't just as close yet and i had a gf during those times so i didn't really pursue the feels i felt hahahaha i just found him really mysterious and charming). it was valentine's day and my birthday just passed, he was giving away sunflowers for his friends and i was just there helping him out arrange the flowers and everything — i had no plans during that day even though i had a gf well technically because i am just not fond of celebrating vday, it was too cliché and mundane for me like if you have a special someone you could just make him/her feel special at any day lol — basically vday for me is just some petty pagan shit. ok so going back, when i was about to leave he gave me a sunflower because he knew that it was my birthday the other day — no guy has ever given me a flower well from what i remember hahaha and knowing me being a shallow kind of person, i never forgot that gesture from him and always remembered him as a very sweet person. when i would see him around school it was pretty normal — we would exchange hi's and hello's like normal friends would do.

one day, one of my best friend came over to visit me in school and she told me the news that the guy i kinda liked attempted to court her but rejected him at the same time, i was shocked well because one of his close friend was also into my best friend but was also rejected because my best friend was bisexual but mostly into girls. i didn't feel hurt or anything though, well probably because i had a gf too so i wasn't really affected hahaha but my best friend knew ever since that i kinda liked the guy even when i had a gf that time so yea yolo.

a lot has changed over the months, i was openly bisexual before but suddenly i just don't feel like being into girls anymore though i still get attracted to some (physically only haha like 'oh fck she's pretty and hot ughh') but other than that i think i can refer to myself as straight now hahaha.

then fast forward to last week of january 2019, i decided to join our college's pep squad. at the same time, the guy i kinda had a crush on way back 2018 was going to our trainings even though he wasn't part of the college and the team any longer, it was his way of supporting us and i must say he was really a great help during trainings. he would talk to me in fbc every now and then without me noticing that it has been going on for quite some time already and most of the times we would talk until midnight and i wouldn't really notice the time and it would always go to the point wherein in just a few hours i would have to wake up and prepare for class just because i've been on my phone talking to him for hours (good memories though hehe)

we went out for a couple of times either with friends or only the two of us.. most probably my feelings was developed by those moments.

one night, we were having a normal conversation, i remember i was at my chinese family side dinner and from time to time i would excuse myself to go to the comfort room just to be able to reply to him hahaha (obviously yo girl got feels for the boy already lol). he opened up that us talking was already kind of getting weird — only to find out that it was because he already knew that i like him. i remember him feeling super awkward to the extent that he blocked and unfriended me on facebook but eventually unblocked me a few minutes after lol idek what to feel during those times it was mixed of being scared and shocked. i end up just answering questions he had because that is what i thought he deserves anyway and so i just answered him as truthfully and honestly as possible.

days went by and we just continued the usual things we do — talk, go out if there's time and pep training.

compet day came and he just became the official team photographer that day hahahha by the evening we decided to drink as a team (we didn't win also but it was okay lol) so there, everyone was drinking that night except for the guy since he was the bartender and was going to be the one to take care of us (well that's what he said idk hahhaha) next thing i know i am drunk and i was just at the couch listening to paramore songs and just kept singing ahahha then suddenly one of my team mate asked me to drink water but i kept refusing so i was brought to the room to sleep in the bed and the guy was there and some people then the next thing i know we were alone together. i remember crying to him a lot because there was no stars and i wanted to see and have my own stars, also wanted to swim and just disappear yea ahahhaha oh and i also cried because i will never be enough ??? (still true though ahahhaha people in my life would always just come and go lol) anyways next thing i remember the guy and i were already kissing. i asked him why is that? and he just told me because it was a natural and normal chemistry between a girl and a boy (and of course yo girl being drunk and horny af i didn't give a damn zz) then the rest was history because tmi already lol.

the following days were shitty, he started being cold and seemed off (of course even if we were just friends i would definitely feel if anything was wrong with the way we converse or what and it definitely felt weird and different already).

i decided to just stop talking already since i could really sense that my feelings for him was already getting deeper (but of course i really can't not talk to him because yo girl became attached af saaaad) but the next day, he then decided to cut off the ties with me completely (like no more talking and everything) — heartbreaking lol.

of course i am affected as hell and it fckin hurts as hell too (even if it was a short while kind of encounterment it was the first time i risked the friendship and really fell hard for a guy woops)

he is definitely the cold winter and i am the hot summer but when we're together i just feel calm, in control, safe and at ease — but now he's gone, like the rest.

without noticing i fell for a guy who would never love me back.

and i'm pretty sure it's gonna take some time to heal and get over him, now i'm the one whose walls are high and closed.

just the thought of not seeing him around and not being able to talk to him like the usual makes my heart sink in pain. whenever i hear or come across his name it makes me want to cry. the idea of the need to avoid him along hallways and corridors makes me look like a criminal running away from an authority. i don't know how long i'll be able to avoid him — obviously not forever.

i just wish for this pain and sadness to go away but at the same time i just want to be able to go and talk to him but obviously that isn't what's going to be happening since the world is always against me plus happy endings only happens in movies (bitterly said but true enough woops)

xx