#like what do I even add to these peoples lives? nothing
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no grave can hold my body down
pairings: arkham knight!jason todd x f!reader
warnings: fluff, angst, a lil bit of suicidal thoughts but nothing too major
word count: 1.8k
an: this is a more detailed version of this post! please request jason todd fic ideas pls pls pls. sorry if theres any mistakes it’s almost midnight lol
Almost two years had passed since Bruce Wayne came to your door and revealed who he was. Nearly 730 days since your boyfriend "died". Gotham was a city full of awful crimes and even worse people but you've never hated anyone like you hated Batman.
You can understand that he tried, the guilt he must feel probably consumes him and a sick part of you is glad. Not only was your boyfriend killed, with video evidence might you add, but his body was never recovered.
Jason would hate it if you saw the video of the Joker killing him but you needed to know. It was all for naught though, you never buried a body so your brain fully believes he isn't dead.
Whether or not it was the grief of having the love of your life ripped away from you or the feeling in your gut, you know Jason isn't dead. Until there is a body in front of you, you will do anything that you can to find him.
-
It started with swallowing your pride and asking the person you loathed for help.
Bruce obviously refused, he wanted to avoid another young person's death. You caught him by surprise with how you begged for his help, he fully expected you to be mad at him, to threaten him for answers. But no, instead you got on your hands and knees and begged him for help, which somehow made it worse.
For weeks you kept reaching out to him, asking him for any clues or hints, anything at all! He has all the resources a person could ever need, he's known as the greatest detective in the world but he can't find his son?
"I've told you, Jason is... Jason is dead. You saw the video. Get out of Gotham and move on, there is nothing more I can do for you." You didn’t stop there though.
You knew of Nightwing, that he was the robin before Jason. So you reached out to him when he was on patrol. Unlike Bruce, you actually felt bad for asking for help, especially since he was working and was grieving himself.
Even through the domino mask, his face scrunched in sympathy, and as gently as he could he told you he couldn't consciously help you. He couldn't let a civilian rope themself into business they wouldn't be able to walk out of.
Understanding of his reasoning, you started going against the law. You started to sneak into offices at different police stations in Gotham (they were sloppier than you could've ever thought, no wonder people love Batman).
Given Jason's at the time profession, he taught you how to defend yourself. There was never a time you didn't carry a knife on you, but you always left your gun at home. Living in Gotham, it was best to take all and every necessary safety precautions.
Using the very low-level skills you had, you searched places that were abandoned and discarded, anywhere that Joker was ever near in the past few years. A part of you knew that what you were doing was dangerous, that if Batman had found anything he would've done so already.
But you couldn't just go to work and pretend your boyfriend wasn't out there somewhere, alive or not you had to be absolutely sure. If you died trying then so be it, it's better than living in the reality of Jason not coming home.
-
A year went by, 365 days of feeling your sanity drain out of your body. You've been caught a few times by the police for trespassing and once by Batman himself who scolded and lectured you about your activities. He was livid, upset at you willingly putting yourself in danger. You were at a higher risk of dying than he was and yet you go out in nothing but black clothes and a few weapons. He's genuinely shocked you're still alive.
After Bruce catches you, he makes sure to keep tabs on you which prevents you from going out. Even if he's busy, if he sees your tag too far out he will drag you back to your place.
There's a part of you that wants to give up, to actually take his advice and move away. But you know deep down inside nothing will put out the fire of finding Jason. Even if you moved to a different country, you know you would still look for his hair, to listen for his voice in the crowd.
Months of gaslighting yourself that he'll knock on your door and say it's just one big prank, that he was on a big mission far away and couldn't tell you to keep you safe.
Millions of excuses rolled around in your head day and night, work was a blur. Bruce even tried to compensate by offering to pay for your rent, to help you seek medical help like a therapist. You know it would do you good to rest but the guilt of leaving Jason behind was too strong. He's been through so much in his life, you wouldn't dare abandon him.
You still stayed in the apartment you were looking at with Jason, "a safehouse" he called it, you weren't even 18 at the time but you both allowed yourselves to think ahead.
Every piece of furniture you bought it with him in mind, "This would be convenient for him to hide his gear," "He likes this color, plus the blanket is soft so it'll help him sleep." Jason consumed you, call it unhealthy but he was your night in this dark city.
There was a spare bedroom, you were going to originally use it as an office/workspace but instead, it's covered in all the papers you've stolen to find him. The floor, walls and even the door were covered, overlapped, and written on with any possible clue you could've stumbled upon. It's been months since you've been able to add something that wasn't already on there. So instead, you sat in the room and just stared at it, cried, ripped things down, and put them back up with tears streaming down your face. It didn’t help that you would hear Jason’s voice soothing you whenever you cried, reassuring you whenever you were down. You knew it was your subconscious trying to console you but you liked to believe he was really there.
Then there were the hallucinations, they started back when you stumbled upon a hostage situation in an old arcade at the end of Gotham, you swear it was Jason but when the guy looked up at you all you saw was a stranger. You were stuck in the police station for hours, yelled at for stupidly interfering in a dangerous situation. The cops looked at you with annoyance now, you were nothing more than a crazy love-sick girl.
-
Lately, work has been exhausting, learning there was a new robin made your stomach swirl. It was like Batman just moved on, how is that fair? How could he move on while you were stuck chasing dead ends? Why couldn't you just accept his death?
Instead of eating dinner, you let yourself boil in whatever hot water Gotham could provide and scrubbed layers of guilt off of your skin. You put on an old shirt of his, which was horribly faded by how much you wore and washed it then curled up in bed; The bed was too big but you didn't want a smaller one in case he came back.
Usually, you triple check that your windows and doors are bolted shut but for tonight you just trusted your brain. Sometimes, it felt like it would be easier if you didn't wake up anymore, at least when you closed your eyes you could see the Jason you knew and loved.
Tonight was one of those nights where sleep was in and out, so when you felt a hand push back some hair behind your ear, you grabbed the knife under your pillow and lunged forward though there were no sounds of anyone in pain, in fact you heard the knife hit the floor.
"You have to be faster than that, sweetheart."
That voice. You would know that voice anywhere.
You blink your eyes open, slowly revealing the man you love in front of you. Except, he wasn't in front of you. This wasn't the first time he's appeared in front of you, it broke your heart all the same.
The exhaustion creeped up your throat and tears started to slip down your face, "No don't cry baby, it's okay." 'Jason' attempted to reach his hand toward you but you shook your head, backing into the corner of the bed,
"This isn't real. Go away, please. Not tonight."
The ache Jason felt in his chest at the sound of your distress hurt him in a way he's never yet experienced. His poor girl crying, thinking he wasn't real.
"I'm real baby, I promise." He calmly approaches you, kneeling on the bed, a hand reaches out towards you again,
Your head was buried on your knees as you hugged yourself into a ball, "You're not! I haven't found you! This can't be real!"
"Please look at me sweetheart."
You noticed his voice sounded different, deeper, more matured. It caused you to slowly look up, "There you are."
That's when you see him. The scars, the tired look in his eyes, the rage he's hiding behind it; There’s a difference in color in his eyes but they're beautiful all the same. They still look at you with love.
None of your hallucinations were this detailed, to be honest you couldn't imagine what he would look like after the years have passed. So to see this, you knew it was real. (Or some villain was damn good at illusions.)
He was caught off guard as you hugged him tight, he had to swallow down the feeling to pull you off. You were the exception to everything, so for now he could stomach the feeling of being held in place because he (is trying to convince himself) knows it's out of love.
You sobbed in his chest, apologizing over and over and over again, "It's okay baby, take deep breaths please."
Again, you started to shake your head, "It's not okay, I should have found you. I tried to find you, I'm so sorry!"
"I saw the room baby, I know you tried but that wasn't your responsibility." He tried to reason with you, doing what he could to calm you down. It's been years since he's seen you, years since he's dealt with anything normal, his mind is all over the place.
"Don't say that, I love you Jace. I would rather die than stop looking."
Jason tensed at the phrase, after everything it's hard to believe you, to believe any of this but he wanted to see you. He had to.
A hand found its way in your hair, holding you close to his chest, "You did good honey, thank you for trying."
Lifting your head from his chest, you looked into his eyes, "I would do anything for you, I need you to know that."
He can only offer a small smile, he knows you did and there's a small piece of his heart that can rest knowing you didn't forget him, that you still loved him.
He hopes he can learn to love you again, too.
part 2? lmk down below :)
© ihrthoney. reblogs & feedback are greatly appreciated𑁤
#ᝰ honeywrites#jason todd x reader#jason todd x you#jason todd x y/n#jason peter todd#jason todd#arkham knight x reader#arkham knight x you#arkham knight#arkhamverse#jason todd fluff#jason todd angst
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Thinking about old Worst Wolverine being called by each of the X men individually after they have a falling out because Logan injured a child very badly to the point the only reason they didn't die is because another classmates healing abilities all while he just... walked away.
Well- ran.. away... leaving a child to die. He's tried to explain thousands of times that he blacked out, that he didn't remember doing any of this. He tries to say that maybe it was someone else, that mystique did this shit all the time in his universe.
"Yeah, well!? This isn't your universe! Because the REAL Logan would never do this.." Scott screams at him as Logan leaves the Mansion for the last time. He doesn't come back. He didn't even get to tell his Xkits goodbye. It got to the point where Laura dropped out, taking Gabby with her, wanting nothing to do with the school anymore.
So now, here he is. In Maine, an old fisherman, part-time hunter, and the only people he lets around him have healing factors.
He lives with Wade, who still- by the way- doesn't have any grey hairs (maybe because hes bald but- yk)
One night, while Logan is out, making himself feel useful by feeding the small town they're in, providing for more poor families, feeding their children's hungry mouths and asking nothing in return but respect. (It gets to the point that the children cheer when they see Logan, wanting to hug him, but he growls at them to get off, too afraid of hurting them) Wade finally awnsers the ringing phone.
"What." There's vemon in his tone, but soon his eyes widden, and he frowns.
Walking outside he stands there a moment, knowing Logan can hear him.
He ignores him, looking at the fish, litsening, his breathing slowing as he skewers some with his claws. Its not exactly spear fishing but- close.
"What?" His voice is almost annoyed, as if knowing what his long time Husband was about to ask him.
"Logan.."
"No."
"Logan-"
He shakes his head. "Don't care."
"...She's missing."
He pauses, turning after scraping the dead fish into a bucket. "Who's missing?"
"There's a little girl missing."
"So?"
"Logan!"
"I'm not helping them, Wade. That's final." He growls.
For a moment, Wade frowns, but he didn't learn to obey thy husband like the bible said.
He never did.
"Logan, there's a 6 year old out there. All alone. Cold. Probably going to be eaten by wolves!" He shouts from the back porch, knowing his place enough to stay here and not come near his fish. Even after all these years, Logan was still finicky over his food. "And all because some old fart won't help her!"
The silence thickened as Logan thought about it, the hero side of his brain yelling 'We'll find her!' And the hurt old part of him saying 'That's not my buisness.'
".. You find her then." He compromises.
"I can't! And if anyone knows those Canadian woods, it's you! You said you knew those forests like the back of your hand!" Wade protests. "If I could smell someone through miles of freezing snow, I would. But I can't. So here I am, asking The Wolverine to go do what he does best."
He grunts, glaring. "And that is?"
"Helping a little girl get back to her mommy..." Wade says, knowing that he was sold. He knew he was sold the moment he told him to do it himself. "She doesn't have much time, Logan." He sighs, putting a cherry on top.
The greyed man huffed, grumbling under his breath for a moment. "Who will stay here with the dog?"
"Gabby can! She loves gabs." Gott'em.
"What about Laura? Why can't she find her?"
Shit.
"Logan, Laura has barley been in those woods. You've lived in them for years. So. What will it be. Pull up your panties and go save a little girls life? Or do it anyway when our baby girl gets lost too?"
Logan scoffs, disappointed. "..She wouldn't get lost.."
"She would if the scent kept being blown away.."
Wade adds, seeing the 'god damn it, he's right.' look on the old mans brow.
He lets out a large sigh. "...I don't want any help."
"Oh well too fucking bad bucko, I'm gonna go pack my snow suit!"
"No! I mean... I don’t want any help from THEM.."
"No promises. I'm not letting poor Susie die just because you have a grudge. Now put your fish in the freezer and lets go! They're coming to pick us up-"
"I ain't flying!!" Logan snarls, watching as his lover ran off, having a deep feeling that he would be in the air shortly..
#search and rescue#find her au#old man logan#old man wade#scott summers#what if#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool 3#deadclaws#logan wolverine#worst wolverine
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30 Day Robotic Affirming Challenge Before 2025
A simple challenge to test the Law. I would like even the non-believers to try this at least once in their life. Also, people who don't believe in robotic affirming or their primary technique is something else, I would like you to participate in this challenge. All I need from you is 30 minutes daily.
I AM INSANELY WEALTHY.
You have to repeat just one affirmation for 30 minutes every single day till 30 days. Do it in two different time slots of 15 minutes each. One in the morning and one before sleep. Put a timer of 15 minutes and just repeat it in your mind. Don't do it without a timer. I always say you can only improve what you measure. If you have the time to close your eyes while repeating the affirmation, it would be great otherwise no problem. Make sure to do it twice during the day, once in the morning and once before bed. Some rules to follow during the challenge:-
Rule No. 1:- If you miss even one day before completing 30 days, you will add one day to the final date. For example, if your challenge was to be completed on 31st December, now it will be completed on 1st January if you break the consistency. Similarly, if more days are missed, more days will be added.
Rule No. 2:- You can do full 30 minutes at once if you want. This is just more challenging and difficult. I suggest repeating in two slots to make it easy. No less than 30 minutes in one day. No limit on doing more. If you are free and want to keep saturating your subconscious mind, you can do one or two hours also. Remember I want consistency, not pressure. If you are doing in two slots and one slot is missed during the challenge, follow Rule No. 1.
Rule No. 3:- You have to say the affirmation slowly and mindfully. No rushing, no trying to speed up, no hurry. You are trying to reprogram your subconscious mind, not beat Eminem's record. It should be robotic, slow and mindful. You can repeat the affirmation slowly in your mind or speak it out in a normal voice depending on what you prefer. Being slow, mindful and living in the present are golden practices for manifestation.
Only these 3 rules should be strictly followed to successfully complete the challenge. No need to believe in the affirmation, no need to imagine/visualize, no need to create a scene or live in the end, nothing is required. You can do all of this if you want, you can write the affirmation 100 times, you can script with it, everything additional is allowed but not required. The more you impress your subconscious mind, the more direct and natural it is, the faster you make the affirmation your reality. Monotonous, boring and mundane repetition is all I want from you. Because this is the Key.
Test for yourself what happens after 30 days. Write your bank account balance on a page on the first day and write it again on the 30th day. There is a chance you would get insanely wealthy or you would end up with $0 in the bank. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Your subconscious will already be programmed for wealth and that is what I want. Once the subconscious accepts the idea of insane wealth in your mind, you can splurge all you want and still you won't get poor.
The only thing that can ever stop you from completing this challenge successfully is YOU. Good luck!
#affirm and persist#robotic affirming#law of assumption#manifestation#neville goddard#4d reality#consciousness#subconscious mind#self improvement#self concept#scripting#visualization#joseph murphy#law of belief#power of the mind#desired reality#reality shifting#imagination#manifestation is real#manifesting#loassumption#loa tumblr#loa#loa blog#loablr#loassblog#loass post#loassblr#loass states#void state
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I saw my first ballet and fell in love! Do you know of any Ineffable fics centred around ballet, or dancing in general if ballet isn't an option? Any rating, although I do love the smut 💛
We have a #dancing tag with loads of recommendations. Here are some ballet fics to add...
An Adagio For Two (A Pas de Deux) by CynSyn (E)
Crowley is a famous dancer. Aziraphale is a renowned choreographer. Despite the fact that they're both divas, they somehow manage to fall for one another when working on the same project.
Taking flight by Sani86 (T)
Aziraphale is a first-year fine arts student with an eye for beautiful people. Crowley is a professional ballet dancer with the most perfect body he'd ever seen. A story about art, self-expression and friendship through thick and thin.
Erect as a dancer by Joseph_Amadeus (E)
"And how long have you been limping?" Crowley sharply moved his head. "The way you walk, dear boy, implies that either your pelvis is not attached to anything at all or that you're doing your best to hide the fact that you just can't walk they way you'd like." "I think I might hate you, Dr Fell." "I think I might be aiming for it." "Whatever for? I can hardly imagine anyone hating you." Crowley used to be a promising ballet dancer, but after an accident he has to become a choreographer. Eli Fell is a scholar in Oxford, twenty years his senior. They have nothing whatsoever in common, they don't even like each other (they doooo).
Dance Me to the End of Love by Black_Bentley (E)
In general, Crowley would very much like to see the ones who hurt her grovelling at her feet, experiencing her pain and fear. But Lucifer’s plan is... well, it far surpasses what she considers ‘getting a revenge’ falling wildly into wreaking complete havoc and destroying innocent lives as collateral damage. Most importantly, that puts her dearest friend in danger. And she is to bring the proverbial cuckoo into the Celestial nest. OR: Aziraphale is a ballet dancer for the British Celestial Ballet Company, which grooms its perfect 'angels' from childhood Crowley used to dance for them too, but after they literally kicked her out, she took on pole-dancing for the Nine Circles of Hell Nightclub Its owner, who used to be the Celestial Ballet's star, is ready to take his revenge on the company's Director (referred to by its 'angels' as Mother) and chooses Crowley to enact it by forcing her to deal a brand new drug among the ballet dancers.
The Accompanist by MostDismalFeldsparkle (E)
Crowley is a principal dancer for a ballet company, approaching retirement. Aziraphale is the new pianist hired to play for the rehearsals and the academy.
Of All the Stars by Cardinal_Daughter (E)
Anthony Crowley knows that his career at the Morningstar Ballet Company is hanging by a thread. But when he and famed theatre & dance critic Ezra Fell cross paths during a critical moment in his life, Crowley starts to wonder if his possible fall from grace might not be such a bad thing. Especially if Ezra is there to catch him.
- Mod D
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I can see your point that there's a clash of intention/topic here from your perspective. However, for me it was an opportunity to make a connected/related "counter" point (also not solely aimed at your original post but the added screenshot as well), because I also feel posts like yours could - under certain circumstances and through certain readings - be adding to a general harsher rift between the two factions than necessary. I'm definitely not saying that was your attention, but personally it's something that, let's say, slightly miffed me about this whole conversation a couple of times now, in a variety of posts.
I do understand why you think I should have made my own post on it, rather than adding to yours. But then again, I do enjoy a conversation and polite debate rather than just "ranting to the void". I believe it can be very beneficial to those engaging in such a debate in good faith and the ones reading it. But that's my POV. So I guess this is where we both clash in our preferences on how to add/debate or not debate/add to such posts, and that is fine.
Regarding the main points you made, you know how you meant it and what context you brought it up from - so in that regard it's fully valid - but some people may take it as "Ah look, this person, too, says the Buddies are homophobic (in general/often)". Tumblr reading comprehension and all, you know?
I am also definitely not saying you are erasing anyone's experience. I'm just saying, in general, this tendency to point to homophobia sometimes does that - albeit unintentionally, I assume. It is a bit of a slippery slope, imho, because sometimes the people expressing their wishes for a specific type of queer story (like what they imagine Buddie could have been like) are queer people who have made those very experiences or similar ones themselves - lesbians who fell on love with their best friend and finally gave up on comphet behavior, or people who believed themselves to be straight and realized they were bi after all (not dissimilar to Buck). I know you're not saying these people all come from a place of homophobia, but I personally see a risk of it being read that way. Of people falling into that mentioned trap of dismissing ANY pro-Buddie sentiment as homophobic /otherwise problematic.
So, regarding the last statement you quoted, this was meant more generally to the Bucktommy fandom and not per se you or your post. We are not having a private conversation here, we are doing it in front of an audience who will approach both what you and I are saying with highly individual biases and viewpoints.
There is no issue with the things you said per se, but imho the risk of certain takeaways that I have already seen expressed callously by other people, e.g. "Most of the Buddies are straight women who are deeply homophobic" or similar.
The whole Silken debacle is cringe AF, and embarrassing for the whole 911 fandom. And we really do not have to talk about some of the much more vile and toxic things that were said and done. I am in absolute and full agreement to call those instances out and, like you, am disappointed to not see enough of such calling out from the Buddie fans. That is highly regrettable and cowardly.
I also understand (through posts like yours even more deeply than I already did before, as a 44 year old queer woman who lived with a gay guy for many years and has known many gay men), that many especially young shippers have a sort of watered-down image of the "ideal gay relationship" that isn't reflective of reality. There's nothing wrong with having certain preferences when it comes to reading and writing fic, but there IS something wrong with painting things outside of that comfort zone as icky or bad (like all that shitty discourse on Tommy being predatory and similar stupid takes).
In years of shipping and engaging in fandom I've seen takes that were bordering on or veering into (unintentional) homophobia, or rather bigotry towards gay men in particular, because so much of it is based on a sexually/romantically inexperienced and predominantly female perspective. There's a difference between how lesbians and gay men live out their sexuality and love life - at least in tendency - and it's important to acknowledge that and, as you said, read up on gay culture if one isn't too familiar with some things. Or to simply acknowledge that many preferences and approaches are valid and good, and, as you said, here's not a limit to what kinds of queer representation should be present in popular media.
Anyway, I also appreciate that you replied calmly and in good faith. Just to make it clear again, I do not disagree with the things you said or with pointing out these particular examples. I just personally think it is important to also remember (and remind others - the "audience" of these debates) not to generalize as a takeaway from these very valid observations.
the more and more time i spend on tumblr and come across insane Buddie takes and behavior, the more and more i am convinced that the small, vocal, toxic subsection of shippers who don't know how to behave are, how shall i say it?
homophobic
they don't seem to actually like gay men. the situation with richard siken is an example of that. what they appear to like is their made-up version of what gay men are like and what they do. there's no concept of nuance or an actual understanding of queerness that informs their ship.
and i don't think you do need to understand it. sometimes you can just enjoy something without looking into it differently. but if you're going to be out on main talking about Buddie this and Buddie that, then you absolutely need to do the bare minimum and inform yourself on gay culture and gay issues so you don't, you know, go after a gay poet because you didn't like his tone.
sorry, there's a reason gay men of his demographic don't take shit. it's because they took so much shit that a large percentage of them died. the ones that survived don't owe you a tone when you act like an idiot.
the internet is free. wikipedia is free.
use a search engine and educate yourself, just a tiny little bit, and stop fetishizing while holding onto homophobic attitudes
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Vent
#sisters BF is being such a typical douchey cus ‘alpha’ male#they had a fight again#and I could tell if I would’ve tried to help my sister would’ve just started being mean to me#I’m literally reliving my childhood no wonder I’m regressing in multiple ways#now I’m starving and too afraid to bump into him#and I don’t want him to hear my secret chips#i hate men I’m sorry between this and T*T* breaking my heart I have lost complete faith in men as romantic partners#cis-het men I should say#t*t* wasn’t white so no I can’t even make a ‘all white men’ joke🤣☠️#I’m just really tired#i feel like I’m giving my 100% and it’s not enough#i took a break came back and now I just hate myself#im not even mad I just hate myself and that I exist#like what do I even add to these peoples lives? nothing#i just wish I had the courage to die#my sister’s cat has been on my side today#i can read his emotion#he jumped up on the bed for the first time! i was crying n texting my dad and he got on my heating pad and curled up#i love him so much hopefully he’ll come up more n cuddle#im just really tired and wanna be saved#im having issues regressing but also at the same time my body is using my hypersexuality as a distraction like I used to as a kid-teen-now#so because of the hostile environment and depression im literally regressing into a child#but the trauma and the emotional mental shit is trying to also distract#im just really fucked to right now and I wish I could be held
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Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
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Ep 4 :)
#I LIKE Dostoyevsky. I like how mysterious and unreadable he is. What is his goal!!!! Why does he do what he does!!!!!!! He's very cool#I think knowing his ability now REALLY adds to his character. Him being so smart so manipulative so disruptive in the way he–#seemingly kills people on touch! Only added to this impression of him being “demon” and “inhuman”#But now that we know his ability you realize... That's all his doing; no ability.#His ability in a way does help humanize him by reaffirming that except for the moment he dies– he's got no superpower at all!!!#It's just him.#And yet at the same time also solves the exact opposite role of dehumanizing him because if it's not his ability that makes him like *that*#then he's even different than other ability users!!! Then‚ if not an ability user‚ if not a non ability user: what is //he//?#It's all SO compelling!!! Also makes for an extremely insightful narrative parallel with Dazai#Not an ability user not a non ability user. Not good not evil. (I feel like Dostoyevsky does exceed the definitions of good and evil as–#much as Dazai does. If he causes evil‚ yet does so with the intention of bringing salvation to humans– is he really *simply* evil?)#Both have these borderline superpowers that make them extraordinary beings (we can call it super intelligence‚ but it goes from controlling#their own heartbit to everything else) but are unrelated to their respective abilities! Once again making them neither this or that#I find Karma's words at the end to be extremely insightful.“Ace was evil for sure‚ but this man isn't even evil.#He's a being from the beyond. A being that exceeds human limits.” Like!!! That's all that there is to it!!!!!!#Back to this chapter / episode. There's some themes / worldvies once again I don't agree with but narrative wise I think it's extraordinary#I feel like after the Guild arc the writing really matured a lot and this is a kind of preview of what the doa arc is going to be like#(aka very very well written especially if compared to the previous arcs)#The plot twists of this episode are all so unpredictable and exciting!!! I think it's remarkably witty how it takes advantages of previous–#clichés - villains always revealing details about their own ability in a way that is quite baffling - to actually surprise the audience.#It's so effective. How skillfully unpredictable Dostoyevsky is to the point you can never guess what he will do next!!!#Him killing Karma is... Idk so so soooooooo interesting. I could talk about this forever but I'm being very dispersive in the rable and–#running out of tags. The whole episode you're sorta rooting for Dostoyevsky. He's very cool and comes out charming in the way he keeps–#surprising the audience. He looks bothered by Ace's disregard of other people's lives and that makes him sympathetic too.#But then he kills Karma out of nowhere and it's an “Ah! You fell for his lies too– remember he's nothing but evil. He cares just as little#about life as Ace does”. And then??? Karma in his last words is himself so generous in his words to Dostoyevsky. It's baffling.#And it almost feels like thenarrative is once again turning around and telling you you should root for Dostoyevsky.#It's endlessly fascinating.#I have more to say about the worldviews I don't share and the art style Dostoyevsky was portrayed with this episode (love it!!)#But alas ran out of tags
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I love the au idea you have, but than you had to mention that Tim would do the same thing and add the doodles of Red Hood and Nightwing so Imma just go off on a rant for this crossover.
Ben has Alien X, which in "Ben 10: Omniverse" is canonically shown to be powerful enough to rewrite the entire universe, the one main change made is to Ben's favorite smoothie place. So a major event happens, something big enough to decimate the (Planet/Galaxy/Universe) the only few left are the plumbers and even their numbers are running low at this point. But what are the plumbers supposed to do? Yes a few do have abilities specific to their race, but otherwise the majority are stuck utilizing weapons that have been proven useless against this threat.
It's in a moment of desperation that the discussion is made, rewrite the (Planet/Galaxy/Universe), hopefully just eliminating the threat.
But it's not that simple.
The other two beings that make up Alien X, are adamant that simply removing a threat this big would change everything. Not only have it destroyed entire civilizations, but entire planetary bodies as well. Simply eliminating it would leave whole pockets of endless void, the likes of which no universe has seen before.
So start over.
That is the argument Ben makes. We have all this power at our disposal, if the only way to remove the threat is to start over. So be it, bring back the planets, bring back the people, bring back the families. The only thing that shouldn't be brought back is the threat.
So everything changes
And Ben loses everything
Gone is the comfort of his family, the carefully chosen decorations and knick knacks. The words of wisdom and peculiar foods only a grandfather could provide, and the familiar ribbing of a close relative.
Gone are the days of a young hero hoping for glory and recognition of some kind.
In its place is a lonely manor, haunted by an unwanted child. Provided with everything they could ever want, but nothing they'd ever need.
The only forms of comfort he can find are observing the heroes live a life he'll never experience again...
Ben in Ben 10 using one of his forms to create a whole new universe because he couldn’t save the old one is something Tim would do
We saw how he acted when Conner died I really don’t think it’s that much of a stretch
OH MY GOD
What if he created a universe where everyone was normal and he was the only one who remembered what happened at all
If someone has read/written something like this I’m begging you to share it
Also I have some nightwing and redhood doodles
They look so goofy
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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#just watched s 2 ep 7 of the vampire show#and these are just some ramblings that hopefully will not offend fans of the show im just trying to articulate my thoughts to myself#i think it was a cool idea to turn their trial into one of the theatrical performances onstage#however im still annoyed at how the domestic violence episode happened and was apparently a real thing#like idk it just ruins the whole vibe in the book of how these characters were living together doing awful things to humans yet#somehow mostly carrying on in civilized peace and not ever directing that violence toward each other for decades on end#this choice messes up the characterizations and relationship dynamics too much for me somehow#also messes up the aesthetics that are a delicate balance between the savage and grotesque and polite and refined#it was important to me that lestat wasnt the one to first cross that line in the books and that claudia was#i feel like kinda the one thing that lestat had going for him in the first book as a standalone story#was that he didnt ever cross certain lines with louis and claudia that the show made him cross there?#he seemed to have a different inner set of rules when it came to what violence he would do to humans and what he would do to them#it's hard to even articulate what kind of shittiness is a dealbreaker in a character or a ship to me#especially when theyre constantly doing stuff like feeding on people to stay alive#but for some reason lestat and louis beating the shit out of each other is just such a nonsense ooc thing to make them do in my opinion#also claudia in the book was valid for what she did to lestat already i thought. i dont see why they had to change or add to the motives#she was turned into a vampire at age 5 and therefore almost purely a vampire in nature and also totally valid in not being happy about it#and in the books lestat made her a vampire on his own after louis fed on her and they did not discuss it beforehand#and he never mentioned rules about a child vampire being forbidden and louis did not beg him to do it. in fact one of the biggest reasons#that louis and claudia decide to turn on lestat is because theyre convinced hes just pretending to know more than he does about vampirism#and either has nothing to teach them or wont ever let them go so they can find out anything for real about their own kind#these changes in the show bother me too but i think im not that good at articulating why#i also feel like as much as book louis's weakness and passiveness and guilt can get frustrating and isn't always interesting to follow#in a way that's kinda one of his more saving graces and most defining traits as a vampire as well - so i dont always know how to feel#about them making his character more powerful and aggressive and involved in things in the show at times?#on one hand i often get frustrated at his moping and indecisiveness and inactivity in the books#and yet on the other hand i find i miss his quieter softer excruciatingly polite book personality when i am watching the show at times too#p#vmpcs
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I’m about to get such a bad grade in therapy today
#tw ed mention#tw disordered eating#last week she’s like ‘I want you to try to eat at regular times’#and today I’ll have to say hello sorry I didn’t eat for two days straight#it’s so hard to talk openly about having an eating disorder compared to talking about having depression#feels like people are gonna be disdainful of you or think that you’re disdainful of them#when it’s literally nothing to do with anyone else#it’s MY brain making me feel unsafe and extreme around food. other people can do what they want#sometimes even people who purport to care about mental health go down the ‘just love yourself :) eat what you want :)’ route#which is like saying Just Stop Being Sad to a depressed person#hdhhdjhdjhdkdhdkdh ANYWAY#nothing like huddling in secret to add electrolytes to your water dinner or looking up the calories in one macadamia nut#to make you step outside yourself for a moment like damn woman you live like this?
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Please stop and listen.
When I ask you all to do everything you can, it is not a suggestion.
Nour's posts often get thousands upon thousands of notes, however somehow he hasn't received any donations in 2 whole hours and even before then only received them sparsely.
I understand that some people truly, honest to God cannot donate and to those people I hold absolutely no contempt. I myself have no bank account or job so have only been able to donate to a few USD campaigns by converting old birthday money to giftcards.
But, that's the thing, right? Not to over-inflate my own contributions, but despite my own situation I have still been able to donate to some people. So, it's clear as fucking day to me that unless ALL of your money goes to bills and food (streaming services don't count, anything recreational DOES NOT COUNT), that you are all making excuses.
Unless you meet the description I previously described, you can donate to Nour. He and his family are in constant danger of dying. They live in a squalid tent with a newborn baby which they are unequipped to take care of properly because they are suffering under a GENOCIDE. READ THE WORD. READ IT AGAIN. I would also like to add that Nour's other child is also struggling to receive basic resources. A single carton of milk is $60 USD, and diapers are $80 a box. They can barely scrape by with what little money they have. Do not grow numb to it and do not grow complacent because millions of people, thousands upon thousands of newborn babies just like Nour and his wife's little son, they are subject to constant displacement, surrounded by bugs and disease, and are literally in danger of starving to DEATH.
You don't need to buy that new game. You don't need that new shirt. You don't need to go see that (LIKELY BDS BOYCOTTED) new movie.
Most if not all of your spending money right now should be going to help Palestinians like Nour and his family. There is no excuse. Plain and simple.
I have nothing else I can say to make you people finally understand the gravity of the situation.
Help him. Now.
$21,377 USD/$45,000
VETTED BY ASSOCIATION
TAG LIST (DM me for removal)
@whisperingmedows @writerdoublein @e @rykerpuppy @renmemberme @t0w0bey @teddycuba @yogurtcake2000 @uchorusa @imp-panada @irunkefir @insufferablepilled @ichor-arrows @passion2lovvers @awesomepeoplehangingouttogether @dirkcapitationn @fatalbloomsinmoon @nabulsi @90-ghost @el-shab-hussein @aria-ashryver @northgazaupdates2 @sar-soor @flower-tea-fairies @palestinegenocide @gazagfmboost @palestine-info-uncensored @heba-20 @aces-and-angels @fairycosmos @greenpinkstraw @ibtisams @radicalgraff @r4ms3yy @thestrugglerrr @shug888 @decolonize-the-everything @fototingobug @gaza-evacuation-funds @g3wgaw @greydrits @gainnecorpse @gasfuzbj @hamsterdads @himbo-noxx @heijegerkannibal @juliccardi @jvstcallmespade @kk3o2 @katylokk @keff-fr @literallyneurodivergentandaminor @lenaeeessshhh @la7ma-mafrooma @lutielutik @certified-dentist @cemetaryvampire @chemautopsy @cryptid-catnip @vetted-gaza-funds @vantisanjo @blu-berriez @neptunerings @neatleaf @meit1
@fancysmudges @brokenbackmountain @mothblossoms @aleciosun @fluoresensitive @khizuo @lesbiandardevil @transmutationisms @schoolhater @timogsilangan @appsa @buttercuparry @sayruq @malcriada @palestinegenocide @sar-soor @akajustmerry @feluka @tortiefrancis @flower-tea-fairies @tsaricides @riding-with-the-wild-hunt @visenyasdragon @belleandsaintsebastian @ear-motif @kordeliiius @raelyn-dreams @troythecatfish @theropoda @tamarrud @4ft10tvlandfangirl @queerstudiesnatural @northgazaupdates2 @skatezophrenic @awetistic-things @baby-girl-aaron-dessner @nabulsi @sygold @junglejim4322 @heritageposts @chososhairbuns @palistani @dlxxv-vetted-donations @illuminated-runas @imjustheretotrytohelp
(sorry for the randomness of the tags, I just used what popped up. If anyone has advice on how to make a good taglist please tell me)
#free rafah#save rafah#rafah#gaza genocide#gazaunderattack#gaza#gaza strip#free gaza#free palestine#palestine#support palestine#palestin#viva palestina#palestinian art#palestine news#palestinian genocide#save palestine#all eyes on palestine#i stand with palestine#rafah gaza#rafah border#rafah crossing#rafah news#all eyes on rafah#rafah under attack#save gaza#the gaza strip#gaza under siege#falastine ask#palestine genocide
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my parents really are never going to change. theyre a team and im on my own. in the most literal sense
#i see it every time i express how i feel about something and they dont incorporate that in their beliefs for next time#and use it as something to help us navigate our interactions better#its alwaysssss right back to square one. same exact repetitive auto responses and nonchalant attitude toward my feelings#i try to reach some understanding but man its fucking impossible when the other person doesnt hear u at all#everything is so miserable#i dont have it in me to try and make somethinh out of myself because theyve completely destroyed any self image i have#but i also need to make something of myself so i can afford to get the Fuck out of here and cut off any contact#for the rest of my life#i feel trapped in the most hopeless way possible#today my father told me im going to die alone and unloved and no one will ever care about me#just because i told him to be mindful of the things he says rven indirectly#because ive gotten mad over it before so to avoid any future situations again#its best to avoid expressing the thought he expressed#for a guy who hasnt asked me a single personal question he really said all that like he knew me even a little bit#with so much demonic confidence#never wouldve thought id hear those words from a family member but it seems like he festered them for a while#and my mom stayed silent the entire time scrolling on her phone#clearly im not wanted around here and if i were petty id think 'ill distance myself to teach them a lesson'#but i know theyd prefer that#whenever i do isolate its only for my own sake. which is funny because when that happens they STILL blame me for isolating#nothing good ever comes from trying to insert some common sense into them#im always the demon child i ask for too much im ungrateful i should tolerate their mistreatmant#i should boil down and kill any feelings i have that are a reaction to their behavior etc#but all this is going to make me do is kill all of us#its reaching to that point i think#so if i ever go missing from tumblr thats probably what happened#if i lived away from them i wouldnt put them on my mind at all but i have to see them during the day#it adds and adds and adds and adds onto my mental state and one day ill snap#im a rat in a cage thats being constantly negatively stimulated#living in this type of environment is only possible if the other people are puttibg some effort into trying to coexist in peace
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#you know it sucks that the one thing that I could make money off of; that I repeatedly have people say#'wow; that's so good; you could make money off that'#is something that these days is just... fucking hard as fuck to monetize#hard to explain without going into details; and if you knew you'd see why I'm not going into details#but like... I've probably legit had... minimum 5 people; but probably more like 20 say that I could make money off this#and it's like you're right... I have a niche and I know what I'm doing with it... but... there's... nowhere to host it#the people who the niche is going to appeal to (and it is super niche) that I've reached out to tend to love it... just what they want#and yeah... I probably could make money off it; and... I might even be able to make a living... and I wouldn't mind doing that#just bang some stuff out when inspired; add it... done#but... unless I make my own site I don't really see how I can host stuff anywhere else#the modern internet landscape just... you do specific stuff in a narrow box; or you ain't gonna be playing ball#and so if I host my own site... fuckin... then there's... getting stuff out to the world... and I suck at fucking marketing#and... there's the fact I'm all for criticism; but a lot of people are just nasty#I just kinda... I got stuff I do well enough multiple people have said I should make money off it#but... I'll probably never be able to make money off it#and it sucks... cause man could I fucking use some money; a source of income... and... I don't know#...I don't know that I'd say it adds value to the world; but the same time the people who want that niche clamor for it#I don't know... you probably don't need to know what the fuck I'm talking about; you probably don't want to know#like there's a reason I'm not just coming outright and saying things#it's not like I'm walter white being like 'how sad; the world isn't ready for my meth'... that would be funnier honestly#nah... nothing illegal or shit; just not advertiser friendly let's say#and... and so I don't feel like sharing it here; I'd like to share it in it's own private well marked space where it's like#'you like this niche shit; come on it; you don't have a nice day not stopping by'... but there's nowhere to set that kinda thing up#...I'll show my hand a tiny bit and say this; Ao3 might be a very good fit if only there were fan characters#not sure you can publish just your own works there; but that would be the kinda platform I wanted#...to be sitting on something you're told you could make money on all the time... just sucks... sucks not having a way to make money off it#and the fact it would be a classic money for goods and services kinda thing; not people taking pity on me#why did the one thing I have to offer have to be something like this; you know?#like I tap into something a lot of people don't seem to get; in this situation people don't want a masterpiece#they want something that quickly sets a scene; they want a vignette and that's it
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hhhhhhhhhhhh
#failed a test a huge amount#waiting for resylts to come back but knowing theyre gonna also be a fail#failing 4/5 classes im taking rn#dedicating almost all my time to classes but i still have to do the internship bullshit my dads having me do#i get that its a great opportunity for me and that he needs it done but i literally dont even have time for my hw or studying for tests#and i cant quit cause i already tried and it doesnt matter and i live here and im failing my classes and i dont even want to take these#classes i dont even really eant to be an engineer i hate that im failung these classes#i dont even need to take one of them to graduate my dad wanted me to take it cause he said so and its not required and it adds to the pile#of shit i dont eant to do but am forced to do but am failing at even though im putting literally as much time as i can into it#and i feel like i never have time to draw or read and yet im still a failure#i hate hate hate hate tvat im putting all this effort in and still failing#i am not a good test taker abd its annoying and frustratign when im tutoring my classmates with hw and they get better twst scores than me#and im failing class HAVE I MENTIONED IM FAILLING NEARLY ALL MY CLASSES#I HATE THIS#i knew id fail too ive always had this problem and i told them that i wouldnt have time if i took this many classes and you know what hesaid#???? that id be FINE and that in GROWN UP and maybe if i didnt have his BULLSHIT internship id be fine and maybe if i wasnt asked to tutor#so many people id be able to focus on my own hw and maybe if i was better at sleep and better at doing things instead of scrolling tumblr or#staring at literally nothing#i hate everything#i dont knkw how to fix this
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