#like there's still elements that are definitely that but the boys have Baggage to check also

[panharmonium]

For Want of a Woodwright (Parts 1-3)

[I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED; DON’T ASK ME; JUST ROLL WITH IT]

i come bearing gifts - here are some snippets inspired by the web of “will comes to camelot” AU ideas spawned by this lovely anon ask, which i cannot appreciate enough :)  thank you very much to the anon who sent those messages, and to everybody else who jumped in the sandbox - i had fun with this, and i hope you do too!

(also, anon - if this is an idea you are ever planning on writing yourself, the title is all yours.  feel free to take it back anytime!  i am using it here just to pay tribute to your idea and to the original title you sent me, but it belongs to you for life, and i will change this post header in a heartbeat if you need it for your own purposes! :D )

author’s note:  these are VERY rough, not meticulously edited, and not even remotely close to final drafts.  they are hardly even first drafts, in fact.  they are not necessarily connected to each other, or in order, or part of any actual coherent plot, and they do not directly adhere to the plan laid out in the original post, either; they are just snapshots of fragmentary scenes that popped out of me yesterday when i wasn’t paying attention.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

and now, everybody can have a little AU, as a treat!   

1. divine providence

“I can’t see anything wrong with him, Merlin.” 

Gaius rinsed his hands in a basin of water, his wide sleeves pushed back to the elbows.  Will, perched on a stool, pulled his shirt back over his head, looking starkly out of place in the center of Gaius’s spacious circular chambers.  

“It looks to be healing quite well,” Gaius continued.  “I don’t see anything to worry about.”

“But on the inside, though,” Merlin said, attempting to drag Will’s tunic up again.  “What if - there could be something wrong underneath, couldn’t there?”

“The man can’t look at my insides, Merlin,” hissed Will, wresting his shirt out of Merlin’s grip.  “Get out of it.”

“I’m only saying - ”

Gaius interrupted Merlin’s nervous rant with a precisely-cocked eyebrow.  “Merlin, if you do not trust my medical opinion, then I am afraid I am going to have to refer you out, though I think you may have a difficult time explaining the facts of this case to Ephram or Hildegard, considering the circumstances.”  He looked at Will.  “Would you like someone else to examine you, young man?”

“No, sir,” Will said, with a pointed look at Merlin.  “I’ve done without physicians my entire life.  I think I’ll manage.”

“I only mean - ”  Merlin was vibrating in place, a bundle of frustrated energy; he looked like his fingers itched to make another grab for Will’s shirt.  “I’m not sure what I did.  It might not have mended properly, Gaius.  What if I did something wrong?”

Gaius replaced the cover to his medicine bag.  “I’m not entirely sure you did anything at all, Merlin.”

Merlin exchanged a glance with Will, then looked uncomprehendingly back to Gaius.  “But I must have done.  He - well, he - ”  Merlin fumbled over this deceptively simple explanation as if attempting to climb an extremely slippery slope whose peak he did not want to reach in the first place.  “He was - well.  You know.”

“I was dying,” Will said, ignoring the way this made Merlin look like he was going to be sick all over the floor.  “Definitely.  I mean, I could tell.”

“I believe you,” Gaius agreed, frowning at Will’s chest.  “That’s not a very good spot for a penetrating wound, young man.”

Will turned a little bit red.  “Yeah, well,” he muttered.  “It’s not as if I planned it that way or anything.”

“Gaius,” Merlin interrupted, as if he were clinging to the very last thread of his patience.  “What did you mean, I didn’t do anything?”

Gaius just shook his head and dried his hands on a clean piece of cloth.  “A mortal wound could not have been healed by magic or conventional means, Merlin.  And it certainly could not have been healed by you.”

This appeared to jar Merlin out of his jittery state, as his mouth popped open in an offended ‘o.’  “Why not by me?”

Gaius sighed.  “Merlin, the healing arts are not simply a matter of willing a patient well again.  If you took any interest in my work at all, you would know - ”

“I am interested in your work.  I’m just - ”  Merlin gestured helplessly with his hands.  “You know.  Busy.”

“With what?” Will scoffed.  “His Majesty’s royal washing?”

Merlin turned a ferocious glare on Will, but Gaius interceded before the two of them could start bickering.  “Busy you may be, Merlin, but even someone as busy as you ought to know by now that any attempt at magical healing requires an exact understanding of anatomy and physiology.  How can you possibly expect to mend something when you don’t know what it is supposed to look like, or how it is supposed to work?”

Will gave Merlin a sage look and nodded like this was the most sensible thing in the world.  Merlin wanted to thump him over the head.

“I don’t see why I couldn’t have helped,” Merlin said stubbornly.  “I felt something.” 

“Oh, did you, now?”  Gaius gestured at Merlin’s own chest.  “Very well, then, Merlin.  What can you tell us about the heart?”

“It’s - ”  Merlin cast a glance around the room, as if hoping to see a helpful diagram pasted up on the walls somewhere.  “It circulates the blood.”

“And how exactly does it accomplish this vital function?”

“It - well, it sort of...squeezes, like.”

“Would you care to elaborate on that?”

“Erm.  No.  I don’t think so.”

Gaius did not look impressed.  “And can you perhaps tell us what the healthy human heart is meant to look like?”

“It’s - you know.  It’s got sort of...different bits to it.”

Gaius raised his eyebrows.  

Will rubbed at his chest, frowning.  “Maybe I ought to have some other bloke look me over after all.”

Merlin did thump him that time, a single solid smack across the back of the head.

Gaius folded his arms, the picture of long-suffering exasperation.  “I am simply saying, Merlin, that you do not possess the requisite knowledge to mend anyone in any such way that would result in the living, breathing human being seated here before me.”

“Cheers,” Will said.

Merlin looked vaguely ill.  He watched Will out the corner of his eye as if expecting him to drop dead at any moment.  

“Then what?” Merlin asked.  “I did something, Gaius.  I felt it.”

“Perhaps,” Gaius conceded.  “But certain death cannot be averted by any magic known to men.   Only through the intercession of powerful, external forces are such things accomplished.”

That got Merlin and Will’s attentions.  “Come again?” Will said dubiously.

Gaius put a thoughtful hand to his chin, considering the perfectly healthy human being sitting on his stool.  “Does it pain you at all?”

“No.”

“He’s lying,” Merlin said immediately.  “He’s always grimacing when he uses that arm - ”

“I’m always grimacing when I use any of my arms, because you’re always talking rubbish at me while I’m trying to work - ”

Gaius crossed between the two of them, cutting off another potential argument.  “I’ll compound something for the inflammation.  I expect any lingering soreness will pass, in time.”  He opened the various cupboards on the other side of the room and began rooting through them.  “Perhaps you two might like to take a walk,” he suggested, pulling out a vial to inspect its yellowing label, “unless, of course, you’d like to stay and help me, which I can’t imagine would be the case - Merlin, you can take an herb sack, I’ll be low on arnica once I’ve finished with this - ”

“Gaius - ”

“And if you’re going down through the market, you can stop by Benegar and Beata’s.  I’ve ordered an ounce of black bryony through them twice now, and not heard a blessed thing about whether it’s arrived or not - ”

“Gaius,” Merlin repeated.  “I don’t understand.  What did I do?”

Gaius finally turned to look at him, a clear vial clasped in one hand and a bundle of dried leaves in the other.  “I’ve no idea, Merlin,” he said frankly.  “But whatever it was, I am certain you did not do it on your own.”  He eyed Will, a curious look on his face.  “Perhaps you simply asked for the right favor at the right time.”

Gaius hung there for another moment, considering, then laid his ingredients down on the table and crossed to the supply closet, opening the door and stepping inside.  Will and Merlin, unable to think of anything else to ask him, watched Gaius’s back as he rummaged, Will with a deeply skeptical look on his face, and Merlin looking pale.

“Will you get a grip?” Will muttered out the corner of his mouth.  “You look like you’re the one he ought to be examining.”

Merlin said nothing, but lifted his fingers and brushed them against the place he had made Gaius check too many times, the place Gaius had said was so bad for penetrating wounds, the place where Will hated being poked and prodded.  There was a heart under there, one that circulated blood, one that had different bits to it, one that squeezed.  Merlin could not have sketched its anatomy, or described its functionality, but he knew exactly what it was supposed to feel like under his fingers.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Merlin murmured, feeling for the steady beat, beat, beat.

2. blackmail

“I ought to have the man hanged!”

Arthur’s padded aketon went flying across the room, snagging on a weapons rack beside the fireplace and rattling the upright row of spears.  Merlin ignored the mess-in-the-making, instead continuing to do up Arthur’s bed.  If the item of clothing hadn’t come flying at his head, it wasn’t his problem.  

“You could have him hanged,” Merlin said mildly, tugging a new sheet into place.  “If that’s what you really want.”

Arthur rounded on him, stabbing at Merlin with one pointed finger.  “What on earth would you bring him here for?  What possessed you?”

“I didn’t bring him anywhere.  He came on his own.”

“To Camelot?”  Arthur’s eyes were wild with disbelief.  “A sorcerer?  For what purpose?

Merlin fought down a prickly wave of irritation.  “For me.”

Arthur looked Merlin up and down in a faintly skeptical way.  Merlin bit his tongue to avoid saying something that would land him or Will in deeper trouble.  “Are you going to report him to your father?” he asked instead.

“I ought to,” Arthur growled, his face thunderously shadowed.

Merlin picked up one of Arthur’s pillows from the bed and removed its dirty casing with a flick of his wrist.  “You can, if you like.”  There was a pause as Merlin denuded each of the pillows in turn.  Then he added, “Course, then you’d also have to explain what you were reporting him for.  And then you’d have to explain to your father that you did cross the border into Cenred’s kingdom, after he explicitly told you not to.”

Arthur shot Merlin a poisonous glare.

“You could have started a war, you know,” Merlin remarked, tossing dirty pillowcases over his shoulder and retrieving a set of clean cases from a nearby basket.  “Can’t imagine your father would have been too pleased to have his precious treaty annulled by your hand.  And then you went and dragged Morgana into it as well - ”

“You appear to be misremembering, Merlin,” Arthur said thinly.  “As I recall, Morgana left for Ealdor before I did.”

Merlin pasted a puzzled look onto his face.  “Did she?”

Arthur’s eyebrows climbed up to his hairline.  “Are you braindead?  She left with you!”

Merlin shrugged vaguely.  “I’m not sure I remember it that way.  That’s not how she’s telling it, anyhow.”

Arthur ground his teeth together.  “And how, exactly, is she telling it?”

“I’m not sure,” Merlin mused, tossing the re-cased cushions back onto the bed in an unappealing jumble.  “Something about you preying on her compassionate and kind nature to goad her into aiding an enemy village over the king’s objections.”

Arthur stared out the window.  He appeared to be measuring the distance from his own chambers to Morgana’s, gauging whether a crossbow fired from this distance would be accurate enough to find its mark, or powerful enough to do the kind of damage he was hoping for.

“Of course,” Merlin continued, “I suppose you could just go ahead and give Uther your version.  It’s not as if he’s more likely to believe Morgana than you, yeah?”  Merlin shuffled Arthur’s dirty pillowcases across the floor with his feet, kicking them under the chest next to the door.  Then he laughed.  “I mean to say - he’s besotted with her, obviously - ”

“Merlin.”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Shut up.”

Merlin closed his mouth, and waited.  

Arthur continued to stare out the window.  He appeared intensely focused on the row of stained glass portals lining the great hall on the opposite side of the palace.  Down below, Merlin could hear an argument escalating between the pantler and one of the castle’s suppliers, who was unloading wagons through the postern gate of the minor courtyard.

“I don’t want to see him within the walls of this citadel,” Arthur said finally.  “He is not to wander this place outside your line of sight, and he is not to engage in any sort of...any unnatural activity, under any circumstances, at any time.  And by no means is he to come anywhere near my father, is that understood?

“I can’t imagine William has any interest in meeting your father, sire.”

“Merlin.”

Merlin linked his hands together behind his back.  “I understand, sire.”

Arthur nodded infinitesimally.  He was still completely fixated on the pantler’s progressively wilder gesticulations, though Merlin couldn’t understand why.  It was the same show every week.

“Will that be all, sire?” Merlin asked.

“Yes,” Arthur said.  

Merlin bowed and turned to go.  Then Arthur spoke once again, arresting Merlin’s exit.  “Find him something useful to do,” he said, still gazing out the window.

Merlin hesitated with a hand on the door.  “More useful than saving your life, my lord?”

“Get out, Merlin.”

“Yes, my lord.”

3. where you lead

“How long are you going to stay?”

Will picked at the grain of the table.  “Sick of me already?”

Merlin shook his head, feeling the suffocatingly pressing need for an extra second to formulate his response.  

Gaius had gone out to do his evening rounds, and for once he had not insisted that Merlin accompany him, which meant that Merlin had made supper for himself and Will, and the two of them had eaten together, but it had not been like a typical evening back home.  Will had seemed to have very little to say, and Merlin had not been able to come up with a successful way to coax him into conversation, and they had passed an uncomfortably stilted evening, with Will spending most of the meal gazing at cluttered instruments on Gaius’s workbench, scientific diagrams plastered to the walls, tattered books stacked in every corner - anywhere but Merlin’s face.

Now Merlin swallowed the last of his dinner and set down his spoon, pushing the bowl aside.  “I never said that,” he said uncertainly.   “Why would you think that?”

Will continued his inspection of the surface of the table.  After a moment, he replied, “You came here alone.”

Merlin’s supper wriggled in his stomach.  Guilty, guilty, guilty.  

Will traced the outline of a knot in the wood with one of his fingers.  Merlin tried to think of something to say in response, but he had no excuses to make for himself.  It was too complicated. 

“It’s fine, Merlin,” Will said, before Merlin could open his mouth and attempt a weak explanation.

Merlin did not think so.  But he could not figure out how to say what he needed to say about it just now, so he latched onto something he was sure of.  “This is dangerous for you.”

“It’s dangerous for you,” Will countered.  “I’m only pretending; it’s no skin off my back if someone thinks I have magic.”

“Pretend sorcerers can still end up on the block, Will.”

“And actual sorcerers?” Will said.  “What happens to them, Merlin?”

Merlin turned his spoon over and over on the table, watching Will from the corner of his eye.  The light from the wall sconces bent through clusters of glass vials and lit Will’s face in an interesting way, a pattern Merlin had never seen before.  There had never been any glass in Ealdor.  

“Nothing happens to them,” Merlin replied.  “Not when they’re hiding behind their friends.”

Will looked away.  The watery glass-glow painting his face made it difficult to pick out his flush, but Merlin knew Will well enough to make his own assumptions.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Merlin said, his voice suddenly very untrustworthy, and he shut his mouth before he could stumble into something soft and wobbly and very un-put-together.

Will shook his head, gazing fixedly at a collection of animal skulls lining one side of Gaius’s bookcase.  “It’s done, Merlin.”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Neither should you.  But here you are, and here I am, and maybe we ought to just let it lie, yeah?  I know you think I’m happy to lock horns with anyone who cares to try me, but this has been a godsawful, stupid shambles of a summer, and believe it or not, I’m tired of rowing with you.”

Merlin was quiet for a long moment.   “I wasn’t trying to make you upset,” he said finally.

“I’m not upset,” Will said.  He was having a staring contest with the eyeless, empty skull of some ruminant or another.  “I’m just saying.”

The fire crackled alongside them, no doubt gluing the remnants of their supper to the inside of the kettle.  Merlin glanced out the window at the rising moon.  Gaius would be coming home soon.

“How long are you staying?” Merlin asked Will again.  Before Will could bristle a second time, Merlin added, “I’m not saying that to get rid of you.  I’m asking because it’s - complicated, here, with your - with the situation.  And I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

Will gazed into the shadowy eye sockets of the skull on the shelf, much as if he had not heard Merlin’s question.  

“Will?” Merlin prodded.  

Will looked away from the hollow hunk of bone.  “What?”

“Did you hear me?”

Will did not reply.  He pulled Merlin’s empty bowl toward himself and pushed himself back from the table, then, dishes in hand, rose from his seat, but he suddenly appeared to realize that he did not even know where to go to do the washing-up in this place.  He clapped the bowls down onto the table again with an under-his-breath oath and plopped back down on the bench.  “Hear what?”

“When are you leaving?”

Will sighed heavily, his eyes permanently fixed somewhere off to one side.  "When do you want me to go, Merlin?”

The answer popped out of Merlin before he could stop himself.  “I don’t.  I don’t want you to.”

Will stopped rubbing unconsciously at the left side of his chest.  He stopped everything, in fact.  He was abruptly frozen, like the kind of animal that one of the little skulls on the top shelf had once been - spooked into stillness.  “Come again?” he said.

Merlin took a deep breath.  “Stay.”

“You want me to stay here?”

“Yes.”

“In Camelot.”

“Yes.”

“Where the only people I’ve ever met think I’m a sorcerer.”

“Yes.”

“Where I haven’t got any money.”

“Yes.”

“Where I haven’t got any land or livestock or anything.”

Merlin hesitated.  He had no right to ask for this.  But he couldn’t lie, either, however selfish and insensitive it made him seem.  Lying to Will was not something he remembered how to do.  “Yes.”

A long silence stretched between them.  Outside, the royal hunting hounds yapped for their suppers.

“I’m not asking you to do it,” Merlin said quietly.  He had never been nervous around Will before, but lately that seemed to be the only thing their relationship could manage - unsettled stomachs and treacherous footing, pitfall traps marring what had once had been a solid plain of understanding.  “I’m just answering your question.”  

Will did not say anything in response.  Merlin resisted the urge to wipe sweaty palms on his trousers and continued.  “I haven’t got any right to ask that of you.  I know I haven’t.  It’s my fault we’re in this mess to begin with.”  

Merlin did not clarify, exactly, what ‘mess’ he was referring to; he hoped Will would understand that he meant more than their current case of mistaken magical identities.  “You don’t owe me anything,” he added.

Will shook his head at that.  “I owe you my life.”

“No,” Merlin corrected.  “I owe you mine.”

“Oi,” Will said tiredly.  “Haven’t I just told you I’m sick of rowing with you?”

“Yes,” Merlin replied, surrendering to a small smile.  “But you’re so easy.”

Will scowled at him.  

It was a nice look.  A normal look.

Before Merlin could say anything else, the door to the hallway banged open.  

“Ah,” Gaius said.  “Gentlemen.  Good evening.”  He swung the door closed behind him, laying his medicine bag on the workbench and divesting himself of his cloak.  “Arthur is looking for you, Merlin.  You’d better go and see what he wants.”  He ambled past the kettle, leaning over it to have a sniff on his way by.  “I see you’ve made supper - I assume it’s too much to hope that you’ve left something in that pot for me.”

Merlin hurriedly got up and scraped together a third plate, then gathered the remaining dirty bowls in his hands and hovered by the edge of the table.  “Erm - listen - ” he said to Will in a low voice.

“Sir Thickhead’s looking for you,” Will interrupted, tipping his chin at the door.  “Don’t you have to go and unbuckle his boots or something?”

“Yeah, I - what?  No, I mean - he can unbuckle his own boots, Will; he’s not entirely stupid.”  

Unbidden, a memory arose in Merlin’s mind of Arthur storming out of a Council session with his shirt on back-to-front and his tightly-clasped belt keeping the situation from being rectified, the prong bent out of place by some blow or another and stuck at the fourth notch.  “Most of the time, I mean.  It doesn’t matter.  He’s not - ” 

Not important just now, Merlin thought.  

Arthur’s boots could wait.  

He leaned over the table, closer to Will, so that Gaius, who had settled down at a different workbench with his supper and his books, could not hear.  “Listen,” Merlin said in an undertone.  “Forget what I said.  I wouldn’t have brought it up, only you asked.  It wasn’t fair of me to even mention it.  Don’t think on it.”

Something in Will’s face made Merlin hesitate, though.  He furrowed his brow, not wanting to give in to the sudden spark of inconceivable hope that had just lit up inside his chest.  “I mean, unless - you’re not - ?”

“Why don’t you go and put his royal majesty to bed,” Will suggested pointedly. 

“Right, yeah - but we were just talking, though - ”

Will shrugged.  “I’m not going anywhere, am I?”

Merlin took a half step to the door, then turned around and bent quickly over the table again.  “Hang on,” he muttered, “sorry, er - you mean just now?  Or - ”

Will met Merlin’s eyes levelly.  “I’m not going to do a runner on you, Merlin.”

Not like you did on me.  Merlin heard the unspoken thought clearly enough.  But Will didn’t voice it, this time, and that was something.

“Right,” Merlin said, his head buzzing with possibilities.  “Okay, then.  We’ll talk later.  Erm.”

Gaius was giving him a pointed look.  “I’m going!” Merlin exclaimed, and bolted for the door before Arthur could start hollering Merlin’s name from the bottom of the stairs.    

Not that anyone would care if Arthur yelled himself hoarse, Merlin thought, taking the spiral steps two at a time.  Merlin found the hollering more amusing than anything - he didn’t understand how the prince could fail to see the embarrassment inherent in stalking down corridors with his tunic undone and his trousers unlaced, bellowing for a servant to come and (yes, all right, fine, Will had probably been right) unbuckle his boots.

But Merlin didn’t think Arthur’s bellowing would do much to convince Will to extend his visit.  

And so, perhaps, Merlin thought, popping out of the stairwell at the appropriate floor and speeding down the corridor, dodging a page tending to the wall sconces - perhaps it would be better if Merlin took it at a bit of a run, today.

[TBC, maybe!  if i continue to feel like playing around in here - we’ll see what happens!]

[vedj-f-bekuesu]

2019 in Retrospect

2019 has been fairly quiet, so I decided to start off this year by looking back on it. I’ll be dividing it by main fandoms/characters/ships because this year there were actually some new ones. That hasn’t been the case since, like, 2013. 

Sonic the Hedgehog

It was an...alright year for Sonic. TSR was fine but too light on content, Mario and Sonic Tokyo felt like a step down from Mario and Sonic Rio but was still alright, and I have not played SEGA Heroes (and haven’t bothered with the Chao in Space short). Lowest spot for me was the IDW comic; the Zombot arc has had one interesting story so far, but the rest has had either bad writing (primarily aimed at Shadow’s turn) or it’s just been wallowing in its bleakness in a way even Shadow the Game didn’t. Then again, I find zombie stories uninteresting to begin with, so no duh I’m not interested in a Sonic take on it. 

Chaotix kind of mirror that. Vector’s managed to get a good showing in, batting 3 for 3 on the game front, and having a key role in two of them. And like I said before, the Chaotix have genuinely had the most interesting stories within the Zombot arc, although with Vector and Charmy turned this may become more limited. Speaking of though, Espio and Charmy have had weaker presences. Espio managed to get into all three games in some form but to a lesser extent (one just by name), and Charmy was really left behind. 

As for Vecpio, it’s been pretty bare for canon material stuff. Espio got mentioned in TSR as contributing the report that reveals Dodon Pa’s true role (with him and Vector being the key to making everyone shut up about him being suspicious, proving they’re best as a team). And Mario and Sonic Tokyo has something if you headcanon some stuff; when Vector talks about the medals, Espio is the first person you’re directed to. Nothing is said by Vector about Espio in text, but you can implicate that Espio was chosen first because of his strong link to Vector, being the first one Vector would trust to compete at a gold level. Other than that? Dry. And with no announcements for Sonic games in 2020, this may just continue. 

Crash Bandicoot

On the reverse side, we have Crash Bandicoot having a really strong year. CTR:NF came out (which is a remake of my favourite Crash game) and has been doing gangbusters. On top of this, it has been going out of its way to revive pretty much every dead character in the franchise, to the point that we have RIlla Roo back in the fold (something I genuinely didn’t think would happen 19 years beforehand). 

Skipping straight to the shipping for this, I wouldn’t have imagined it for Crash ever, but there’s actually some in-game material for me to latch onto for DingodileXKomodo Joe! Dingodile has been pushed into a more jovial character since N-Sane Trilogy, being even more doubled down on in CTR:NF. However, for the past 20 years Komodo Joe has managed to avoid being given traits closer to Espio. This game finally catches up to him, and does it hard. Seriously, his character took a hard turn for the stoic badass Espio did after Heroes, and when did Joe ever use Martial Arts magic ever? Aside from making that dynamic naturally more matching, Slide Coliseum joins in the fun with the visual upgrade. It has holographic projections of a trophy girl repping a couple of racers dancing each, and guess who the devs felt could be paired up for how they go together rhythmically? That’s right, my reptile boys. Man. 

Super Mario Bros

What a weak year for Mario for me. What Mario got for new games this year were Luigi’s Mansion 3 (which I’ve not played), Mario Maker 2 (which isn’t new story content and doesn’t interest me in the slightest), Yoshi’s Crafted World (which I forgot was a thing) and Mario Kart Tour/Dr Mario World (which...um). 

Because of this set-up, Bowser hardly got anything to do so he’s really been on the backburner. Considering how he’s been pushed in the rest of the decade that’s saying something. In fact, the most character stuff he got was in Mario and Sonic Tokyo, and even that was mostly just alright (I think Bowser Jr got the best deal out of that).

Spyro the Dragon

Spyro was alright, but this one’s more understandable. With 2018 being the big year for Spyro’s return, 2019 was a rest for the little guy. That being said it wasn’t completely quiet; Spyro Reignited Trilogy finally got its port on the Switch, and to tie in with that Spyro got an appearance in CTR:NF. 

Because of the latter point, Gnasty Gnorc got a surprisingly strong year. Not only having more people learn about his glow-up in SRT, but bringing over that petty and angry character to CTR:NF. Seriously, his bit in the grand prix intro video is great, and he has more lines in his racing quips than any other game. 

OK KO

I don’t think I made a post about OK KO on Tumblr (or maybe I did one, I can’t remember). But I did manage to get into this just before it got cancelled so there’s that. 

I maintain that the Sonic crossover (aka the first thing I really knew about OK KO) didn’t give me a good impression of the show.It just seemed like “here’s the Sonic and Eggman dynamic but with more cartoon shenanigans*” and it spent more time making endless Sonic references. While some were deeper cuts which actually were impressive, most were references I could see in pretty much any Sonic-referencing material. It wasn’t until I decided to look up more info on Lord Boxman sometime after because I wanted to check if N.Gin was an influence that I found out the plot of the actual show (crossover notwithstanding) was pretty nuts and way more up my alley. 

Speaking of, there’s Voxman. Whereas other ships on here I have to dig through material to construct nuggets from them, this was literally in the text. And why not, they have a good dynamic and are usually the most fun to watch bounce off each other. And I still like the fact that if KO and Lord Boxman were the Sonic and Eggman parallel, the story ends with Eggman becoming Sonic’s stepfather. Let’s see IDW tell a story like that, it’d be better than the Zombot stuff. 

*I think that was the point but still. 

LEGO

Man I wouldn’t have thought they would have remade LEGO Racers but the one they made this year was gre--

Okay no, this year basically reignited another flame that I thought was snuffed out like 16 years ago. For a brief history of me and LEGO, when I was six I had a freestyle box which I used to make an elemental superhero persona. I played with this until I was 11. Before then, my sister got some LEGO Harry Potter sets (which we still have in the loft), I played LEGO Racers a lot (and wasn’t very good at it), and I owned two random other LEGO sets (the trike from Life on Mars and Lava from RoboRIders). 

After that, I only dabbled in LEGO when there was a Sonic set done for LEGO Dimensions. I did try to play more into it, but it was really prone to crashing in certain worlds so I eventually got frustrated enough to stop playing it. Sometime in the interim though my sister started enjoying LEGO films without me knowing, so when February came around I was dragged to see LEGO Movie 2 when all I wanted to see in 2019 was Toy Story 4. Dad insisted on it since we rarely have family outings. In retrospect; 

LEGO Movie 2 hit me in a way a piece of media hasn’t for years, or even decades. It’s shot up to be my third-favourite film of all time. And it’s revealed to me that LEGO is shockingly good at making endearing characters. So much so that breaking it down (pun not intended) has to be done by theme.

LEGO Movie: Part of the reason why I didn’t get into LEGO earlier was because I did see LEGO Movie back in 2014 when my sister was given it on DVD (she wasn’t into LEGO then) and I wasn’t impressed with it. In retrospect, I can appreciate what it did more, and I bring it up because it’s what makes Unikitty, Benny and Metalbeard so endearing when combined with what happened in TLM2. Lucy’s okay (moreso in the sequel), Emmet’s cute, President Business is fun but the MVP is definitely Rex Dangervest, who’s this feral monster but with Emmet buried away deep inside ready to flesh him out. When I make LEGO stories, I just have Rex change his mind on rescuing himself after getting the dinosaurs, and instead wreaking havoc in the present. This kills Emmet off in any story I do but it’s a worthy sacrifice. 

LEGO City Undercover: As a video game person I’m kicking myself for not getting into this before. Frank Honey is the best; he’s adorable and weird yet still feeling very much human and basically the Emmet of his city. Rex Fury has grown on me lots since my initial assessment of him,it’s infectious how much fun he has with being a criminal (while Vinnie is more fun when not doing criminal stuff and Chan seems to be more focused on doing criminal stuff as a job. I also think his calmer side is criminally (no pun intended again) overlooked). Also Ellie is underrated, she is the best straight man you could ask for. 

LEGO City Adventures: As I’ve said before, pretty much everyone in LCA is adorable, especially Duke and Harl. Still hoping for more Daisy time in the second season, she could be a riot if played properly and not just a Fendrich stooge. 

Ninjago: Coming in with the hot take here; I prefer the movie version of Ninjago to the series. I think the problem with the series is that it has so much baggage from before the series started to iron out some of its issues and cliches that it’s kinda hard to get into as a new person, whereas movie Ninjago is a lot more approachable and written better off the bat (although I do see why it wouldn’t go down well with existing Ninjago fans). This all just makes me think of that moment in series 11 where Nya sees her worst fear of being normal in an artefact and it shows her movie self, almost as a take that. It just makes me think the show writers are salty about movie Nya kicking show Nya’s ass in being a better character. Also shout outs to Kai, Cole, Zane and Lloyd for being great characters as well (Jay is cute in the movie, his show self can be punted off a cliff for all I care). And I am with the movement to have Cole come out as gay (or at least bi if they want to keep Tournament of Elements I guess). 

Nexo Knights: This show is regarded as another Ninjago wannabe, but it feels very different to Ninjago to me. So much so, there’s not a single one of the heroes I don’t like and they all need to be cherished. Macy gets props for being the best female character to me, Aaron is probably my favourite now and this is a house of Clance for future reference. 

So, with all that being said, what do I think of the prospects for 2020? I think it’s going to be quieter than 2019 to be honest, since there’s a lot winding down, and on the game side there’s been zero announcements. Crash and Spyro having a rest is understandable, Sonic’s going to have to get past the movie before gearing up for 2021 probably (for the record I have no interest in the movie) and Mario just needs to try harder. And with OK KO dead, only LCA is holding the fort for guaranteed new content I want to engage in right now. 

You know what would be fun though? Series 20 of the minifigures theme is due at the end of this year. Wouldn’t it be awesome to use the occasion to give some phsical minifigures to characters who never got them before? LIke, Rex Fury somehow still has enough demand to be a persistent feature in the customs market, give him an official figure (especially since he’s the only character from LCU that’s not Chase that’s even appeared in merch outside the game). Or let Sky Lane get her LEGO Universe look in physical form to go with her LIXS look. Or heck, finally give Rocket Racer his original look, that’s how I discovered the minifigure world in the first place!

[fanfic-inator795]

Old WoY fics that I’m still proud of (+ commentary)

So yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve written really anything for WoY. Admittedly once the series ended, the tag slowed down, and new things like the Lego Batman Movie came out, I sorta lost interest. Though, after rewatching a few episodes (thank you Disney XD marathon ^v^), I’ve got WoY back on the brain. Hopefully I’ll be able to write fics for this show again soon, once I’ve finished some of my other planned fic projects/stuff I have to write for possible jobs. But until then, I just wanna take some time to look back on old WoY fics that I’m still really proud of and enjoy rereading ^v^ And, if you haven’t read these fics, consider this a personal recommendation list.

First up: Post Finale fics. Fics that focus on elements or ideas either based on stuff from ‘The End of the Galaxy’, or just take place after the finale epi.

Can’t Run - I really do love Hater’s “I can’t run if I want to be number one!” quote. Without that line from the first S2 episode, Hater’s dramatic turn around in the finale may seem like plot convenience or just something that came out of nowhere. But, similar to Wander, I firmly believe that with enough determination, Hater is able to accomplish anything. He’s certainly got the power and even intellect for it, he just needs that big push of either determination or genuine confidence. So yeah, I wanted to write this just to sorta fill in the gap between TEoTG’s opening scene and Hater’s big dramatic speech. I also wanted to write some more Hater and Peeps interaction, since it’s still a fun dynamic even if it’s not my favorite in the show. Rereading it, I feel like I could have maybe written Hater a bit better towards the end - maybe have him hesitate more before revealing what he was feeling - but otherwise I still like how it turned out.

Better - Another Post-Finale Hater fic, following the idea that after saving the Galaxy, Hater tries to do good (even if he’s reluctant to have the ‘good guy’ title). I like the idea of him struggling with this new identity as well as new goals, and who better to relate to this than a former bad guy? It really is too bad we couldn’t have more Syl and Hater interactions. I feel like they could not only be enjoyable to watch, but also interesting just to see. But yeah, writing their dynamic is fun, and after they pretty much saved each other in the finale, I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t have at least one sit-down talk/positive interaction with each other.

Conventional Rerun - Aaaaand another Hater-focused fic, though more focused on his possible reformation than the finale itself. ...Can you guys tell which character I enjoy writing most? Lol. But yeah, I remember this idea hitting me pretty randomly one day while I was abroad. Basically I wanted to write a bunch of jokes around both conventions and Hater’s cartoon. Of course Hater just hates the thing, though I was able to imagine multiple reasons why, as well as figure how that hate could possible become a ‘love-hate’ relationship with his cartoon. Again, it sorta connects to Hater having fans and being considered a ‘good’ force in the Galaxy now, and basically not knowing how to take it. Hater may seem simple at times, but I really do feel like he’s got plenty of layers - both in how he thinks as well as how/what he feels. Also, a lot of show continuity and meta jokes in this one, also fun to write ^v^

Long Time No See - My reason for writing this? WHY DIDN’T WANDER AND JEFF INTERACT IN THE FINALE?! Lol, but yeah, the idea of exploring the feelings of a character like Jeff - someone who both had been ‘wanderized’ for a while and who had to deal with his new friend eventually leaving - was too interesting to pass up. Maybe not the most exciting fic, and I do kinda wish I could have done just a bit more with it, but still pretty fun to write ^v^

There’s also By Any Other Name which, while not really an episode based on the finale, still takes place after it, and explores an element I think any WoY fan’s interested in: Wander’s name. I was really hoping this fic wouldn’t turn out too long winded or exposition heavy or ‘deep’, which is why I made the set up for all the more thinky/exposition filled and emotional stuff so grounded (and relateable, considering I was also traveling while I planned out this fic). But I’m so proud of how it turned out in the end, having just the right amount of emotion and story, as well as some humor ^v^

Similarly, there’s Reset the Clock, though that one connects more to ‘The Waste of Time’ than the finale. Definitely not my favorite of the bunch even if it���s fairly well written, though I still like reading it occasionally simply because I like filling in the gaps between scenes/time in episodes like this one. 

Alright, next up: Minor Character Focused Fics! Because darn it, there are too many characters to love from this series! 

One Last Bite - This one I definitely have to put first, because the more I watched ‘The Fancy Party’, the more interested I was in Entozoa and Wander’s pasts. Once it was revealed that Wander was possibly immortal, the fact that Entozoa specifically wanted to take over his body just made even more sense. So, I wrote a fic focused on the two of them, both because I thought it’d be interesting to explore the relationship between two practically immortal characters, but because I couldn’t get the image of Possessed-by-Entozoa!Wander fighting the others and speaking like Malachite from SU out of my head. The latter half of this fic was so much fun to write ^v^ I also feel like I did a decent job writing Wander’s final conversation with Entozoa (and considering that I sometimes struggle with dialogue, any time I can do it well I consider a success). 

Tiger in Kitten’s Clothing - I LOVE LITTLE BITS! ...Then again I pretty much love every minor character from this show but still, she’s one of my favorites ^v^ Her rivalry with Syl and the sort of irony that can come from it can also be interesting and fun to think about. I also really love the imagery I was able to do with this one. So yeah, maybe just a simple character piece with not a ton of story but eh, I still love it ^v^

Breakout and Blindly Looking Out - Two Ryder stories that, despite the first one being more Syl focused, still very much connect with each other. Maybe this is just me totally falling for Ryder’s charm, but I firmly believe that he isn’t a terrible person, despite doing some pretty terrible things. So, this was just my attempt at fleshing him out and giving some motive for his actions, as well as giving some backstory for his relationship with Syl. I like how both of them turned out, but I feel like Blindly Looking Out is the stronger one. 

Freezing Warmth and Helmet and Sword - Another pair of fics, this time focusing on Hater, Prince Cashmere and Peepers. It’s always a fun challenge to write interactions for characters who have never really interacted before. Pretty sure this one was both inspired by RPs/conversations between me and Tessa as well as Hater and Cash’s brief interactions in ‘The Rager’. Adding in elements like Hater learning swordfighting and Peepers being sort of jealous just made it all the more enjoyable to write and reread. Again, I enjoy the latter story of this duo more, but I still really like how Freezing Warmth turned out ^v^ 

Crashing Waves - AKA the first fic in the Awesome Arc series. Like Ryder, I really do love Awesome despite his jerkiness. Though, if there was a downside to this character, it was that he never really got a ton of development or was super interesting (though still pretty fun to watch) until ‘The Rival’. So, this was my attempt to sorta fill in that possible character development, as well as just use the excuse to put a bunch of my Awesome headcanons in a story. Peepers and Hater also get a bit of the spotlight in these stories, which I don’t mind at all ^v^ If anything, it just makes the series feel more whole. I really do hope I can finish this series one day.  Maybe it’s a bit too dramatic or angsty at times but eh, with something like PTSD and changing your whole identity, that’s sorta to be expected. 

Peace - A quick look at Ripov, as well as a bit at Beeza and their possible relationship with each other. Maybe a bit rambley in places but, eh, I still like it ^v^ (and still ship it, lol) 

Don’t Fence Me In - Another Jeff fic! Again, sorta focusing on being kind of left behind after being ‘wanderized’, though thankfully it turned out more bittersweet than angsty. To this day, I still consider it the best Jeff-focused fic I’ve ever written.

There’s also Admirable Interstella that focuses on The King of Sherblorg 7 and Stella Starbella that... I don’t hate persay but, I don’t love either. If anything, I’m more just proud that I was able to write something for such a strange idea and actually have it make sense and flow decently. Though, I do wish I could have managed to make it shorter. 

But speaking of ships... Iiiiiiii have a lot of shipping fics, lol. Much more than I could list and still keep this post at a reasonable length. Most of them are for Wander x Hater but I have written plenty for Syl x Peeps, Hater x Syl, canon characters and OCs, etc. Surprisingly, even the old ones or the ones for pairings I don’t ship much anymore I’m still pretty proud of. So, I’m just gonna leave a link to my story list and anyone who’s interested can check it out: https://fanfic-inator795.tumblr.com/fanfics  (scroll down to the Wander Over Yonder section)

Now, before I end this post, there’s still one fic I want to mention. My longest WoY project to date (and probably ever): Rockin’ Over Yonder

This fic... Ohhhhh boy this fic. Even without it having the personal baggage/behind the scenes stuff that I don’t really want to go into, I’d STILL probably have a love/hate relationship with this fic. For one, it was written before Season 2, so there are just soooooooo many elements that I could either rewrite or add in if I cared to. There’s also plenty of pretty cheesy or cliche moments in it that came from just me still being pretty new to writing fics as well as getting used to writing the WoY characters in general. So yeah, there’s a lot to not like...

But at the same time, there’s a lot I can’t help but love. Some scenes I really like, with some scenes that I can’t help but look at and think “Wow... I actually managed to write something like that?” There are some scenes and lines that I just absolutely loved writing, scenes that I can STILL perfectly picture in my head even after all these years. Maybe I missed out on including Dom and other S2 characters, but I still managed to fit in plenty of great S1 characters. And finally, what I love about this story the most is that I actually managed to do a good job writing and slowly developing the romantic relationships between the various characters/pairings. 

So, despite the stuff I dislike about Rockin’ Over Yonder, the stuff I may be embarrassed about or the semi-related bad memories that may pop up when I think of this fic, I still can’t help but be proud of it, with part of me wanting to remember it. So if you’re interested and you’re willing to read through some of the more cheesy parts, feel free to check it out ^v^

Honestly, along with Phineas and Ferb and maybe Regular Show, Wander Over Yonder probably inspired me the most in terms of ideas and fanfics - especially towards the end of it’s run. I’m grateful to WoY for inspiring me to write and think and analyse so much (along with all the other things it did for me, including introducing me to my best friend). The show may be over and I may be writing for other fandoms, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly forget these fics or the show they were inspired by ^v^

[rdesai]

When a Cancer Thinks Logically..

Sometimes it takes years to pick up the pieces after a shitty break-up. I believe that people who are "over things" so quickly either never really cared, or haven't fully healed.

After interviewing at several medical schools, and then starting 2 years ago, every. single. professor. made one thing very clear: "Leave the emotional baggage behind.." and "If it's not a thought or relationship that makes you perform at your best every single day, it's not something you can afford to waste time on in medical school." I didn't truly understand this until I was thrown into this crazy med student lifestyle. Most of the time I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with my heart break when there are other things going on - like learning about every detail of the body; then understanding all of the things that could go wrong with it; why they go wrong, how they can progress; and how to fix these problems so that I don't kill my future patients or let them die on my watch because I made a mistake.

I saw a lot of classmates falling behind and in really bad places because they didn’t let go of “their baggage”, or couldn’t do the long distance thing anymore. I didn’t want to be that person. I don’t think I am that person. There’s just too much on the line when you’re in medical school: your entire career. My parents have invested a ridiculous amount of time, effort and money. I’VE invested everything... and to ruin it now? All because I couldn’t get over a guy I fell in love with in college? 

However sometimes, when I feel a little less human (because that’s what happens to many people when they become involved in medicine)... I let my mind go, and give in to my heart. I start thinking, making life realizations, self-reflecting, walking down memory lane, going through phases like "Oh-My-God-I'm-Totally-At-My-Best-Nothing-Can-Ever-Bring-Me-Down!" to "Screw-Boys-Who-Needs-Them" to "I'm-So-Devastated-And-Will-Never-Come-Out-Of-This" to my "I'm-Just-Going-To-Marry-Myself-One-day-Because-Some-Lady-Did-It-Theres-An-Article-On-Buzzfeed-About-It-So-Yeah" phase. For a long time, I’d say maybe even a few years - I felt empty inside. I had no closure, and was just ignored. I reached out to him many times, sometimes when I just needed my best friend back - but I got nothing, or really generic replies like I was conversing with an acquaintance (which is way worse than nothing - it’s a slap in the face). When I spent time with the people I loved the most [at home, in my safe zone, my comfort zone] I still wasn’t truly happy. I felt this huge void. I felt like I wasn’t worth his time or anyone else’s. Sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt worthless. People told me a million times “how incredible” I am, and how “he’s just not a good person”, and “I deserve someone who’s perfect”.. blah blah blah *so many eye rolls*. None of that actually meant anything to me because I didn’t hear it from him. 

As I self-reflect today, 6 days after the birthday of this guy I dated all throughout college, I finally realized that I don’t care to hear any of those things from him... and I don’t even know how or when that happened. This year is the first time I didn't do anything for his birthday or call him since 2011. If anyone knows me - Birthdays mean a lot to me. The thing that means the most: a phone call at midnight from the people I’m closest to. And THAT. is it. I really don’t care about anything else. There’s something about someone making the effort to set an alarm to wake up at midnight to call me, or staying up until it’s time just once a year for me - it means the entire world. I can’t truly explain why, but it just does.

Old me to me after we broke up: Don’t be mean. Call him and wish him a happy birthday, remind him how special he is.

Also me to me: If you say happy birthday, he'll be thinking of you all day and remember how incredible and thoughtful you are, and how much you care about him. He's gonna be like, "Wow, Riddhi. Thanks. I love you. Let's get married."

Don't roll your eyes, or LOL at me. I told you in the first post that I'm a little BSC (bat shit crazy)..... Or did I?

I'm always reminded of him - every single day, whether I make it a point to pay attention to the reminder or not. Sometimes it could be a cool study song I think he'd like, a really interesting case I went over in school, or just making a connection in my medical knowledge that I hadn't before and know he'd appreciate. When ridiculous things happened at school, I wanted to tell him first. If someone pissed me off, I wanted to vent to him so he can be like “Riddhi, you’re overreacting.” and then sympathize with me after I get mad at him for saying that. I used to have to train myself - If I spent more than a minute on a thought about him, I'd say to myself "Riddhi. Why are you wasting your time thinking about a guy who doesn’t care about you when you are so close to pursuing your dream? Are you dumb? No? Ok so stop." Over time and lots of little reality checks, I didn't have to yell at myself anymore. I just blocked it out; because I'm in medicine and that's what we do. We block out emotions. It’s what I gotta do, or else I wouldn't pay attention to my work and I wouldn't know that Rifampin causes your pee and tears to become red/orange. #ItsNotHematuria #ItsJustRifampin

I passionately dislike being reminded of a guy I loved, who dumped me.. every single day, even when I don't actively try to think about him. Med school made me realize something simple: Be an adult. Think logically. (It's unfortunate that I needed to put myself in a lot of debt to figure that out. I should've just read a magazine or something)

So the “be an adult” part - that is tough, solely because I dislike adulting. Adults are boring. They live by all these rules, and have monotonous schedules to follow from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep. They meal prep. They have a bedtime....... I literally just described myself, so I have to face the reality now.

Think Logically? Blasphemy. I'm a cancer. We feel things. We don't think things. Then again, Med school taught me - the more I feel, the more shitty position I'll be in later on because I'll make mistakes, get too invested, not think as objectively as I need to, etc etc basically a cascade of unstoppable events like after insulin binds to a tyrosine kinase receptor --> autophosphorylation --> more phosphorylation --> and more --> so that's just a downward spiral right there if you have an insulinoma...

“Logic, Riddhi.. logic. If I don't want to be reminded of him, maybe I should stop reminding him of me too. If I don't reach out, I'll break this HBD chain that's been going on with this dude for the past few years (since the only time he reaches out to me is at midnight every year to say happy birthday since we broke up - I think because he pities me or feels like he owes me something). If I break this chain, he won't reach out to me either...”

LOGIC. IS THIS LOGIC? AM I BEING LOGICAL? I don't even know because I am so out of my element.

So it probably is logic..

I'm surprised at myself that I didn't reach out this year.

2 years ago, I said to myself, "I'm not going to call him this year." but at 11:58 PM, 2 minutes away from his birthday being over, I had an out of body experience and dialed his number (I still don't know how it happened. I think I blacked out). When I heard his voice, I think I went into SVT (supraventricular tachycardia), and after I found the courage to utter "happy birthday", we talked for a while and of course he said, "Riddhi, I miss you.." (I died of happiness inside and also due to the untreated heart arrhythmia, but tried to be a cool cat about it instead of professing my love).

Last year? Same thing. Except he didn't pick up... or call me back. So I just texted him.

This year, I told myself I wouldn't call him. I didn't cave. For the first time. I think I finally grew up.

I remember a lot of details about our relationship, which maybe I've even romanticized a bit since it's been so long that things ended. But looking back I can't remember how many times I've ugly scream-cried alone in my room or in the corner of a coffee shop; or how many hours I've spent staring at a wall, like there's an actual screen playing flashbacks of moments we spent together, good and bad (of course with the most depressing pop or r&b song playing in the background).

I can't even remember the things we used to fight about. I remember most of the good things like:

- how he'd come knock at my door in my freshman dorm to say good night before he went to sleep every night

- how he'd drive me to school at 3 AM to pick up tampons because I JUST got my period and ran out when we lived together off campus

- how he used to love that my hand would naturally move towards his neck to give him a little head scratch while he was driving us somewhere

- how we used to share so many intimate details of our lives, and feel a little closer every time

- how he used to listen to me vent about the same, stupid college girl drama over and over (and would get tired of it and yell at me, but would listen again the next day anyway)

- how he taught me not to care about what others think of me (I wouldn't say that I truly don't care of what others think of me, but I care much less than I did in college)

- how he knew me to my core and still stuck with me (....until he couldn't, I guess)

These are only some of the things, of a long relationship of ups and downs, that was by no means perfect or even really stable. I definitely overreacted from time to time; he didn’t really communicate too well. But most importantly, I can really only think of the positive things now. I no longer find myself thinking of all the things we did wrong, or all the things that made me want to hate him so badly after the way things ended. I no longer find myself recalling all the things he said and did that broke my heart. I no longer find myself asking, "What if I did this.." or "If only I said that...". I'm not even indifferent to the situation.

As much as I'm reminded of him, things about our relationship become fuzzier every day. Now a lot of it is just a faint memory.

So check this: "I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade..."

I used to read this quote over and over, as I drank straight from a bottle of Malbec (No to Chardonnay, always No to Chardonnay) and recited Kate Winslet's lines from my favorite chick flick, "The Holiday”. Fun fact: I have that entire monologue and many more memorized.. After reciting it today, I realized I went through all the phases she went through. I did the whole "Why me?", "How could someone do this to me?”; I did the haircuts, the ridiculous number of glasses of wine and weekly to monthly interventions with my sorority sisters and closest girl friends. I did the whole falling asleep every night hoping to wake up to a text from him, or even showing up at my door saying “I’m so sorry. I made a mistake.” I even went on an “Eat Pray Love”-esque trip to Europe with my best friend.... Over time (years) I slowly stopped asking myself "What if". I stopped asking myself, "Why me?" I stopped praying that he’d tell me “how incredible” I am and how much I’ll always mean to him. Most importantly, I finally lost hope, and I think I just let him go.

What did I learn from all of this? 

To give myself time. I know what you’re thinking - that’s the last thing I wanted to hear - and you probably won’t listen to me; and that is completely okay. Why? Because I did the same thing. I hated when people told me I “just need time”. What kind of advice is that. Okay Confucius. Thanks, what a simple yet cryptic statement. Is that time in seconds, days, light years? What does that even mean? I didn’t realize I needed time.... until I had time. A lot of it.

What did I learn from all the time I had?

Let myself embrace every single phase of emotions. I stopped trying to suppress them. I’d just ride out the phase.

I wanted to try to be angry and hate him. Fine. I tried until I realized I couldn't be mad anymore. I wanted to play the victim. That was ok,  until I got tired of feeling like one. I tried to overcompensate for how low I felt by pretending my life was absolutely perfect. That was cool too - until I was exhausted from covering up my reality.  We don’t listen to our friends and family because we have to experience it all ourselves. It’s a part of the damn process.

I truly believe that experiencing each phase (some may have more or less than I did) and fully embracing every emotion is what brought me to this point today.

By "this point" I mean:

1) I have come to terms with the entire situation.

2) I truly appreciate all the feelings I’ve felt and expressed.

3) I think three times before I let any guy into my life.

4) I no longer want anything from him - not his time, or an apology.

5) I'm more appreciative of the people in my life who love me and would walk to Earth's ends to protect me and my happiness

6) I'm stronger.

If you asked me a year ago if I could ever love someone so much again, I'd probably say "No. I will never put myself in that type of situation again". But now I disagree with year-ago me.

If I could do it all over again... like start from the beginning, “Hi. I’m Riddhi, it’s really nice to meet you” kinda thing... I would - regardless of the chance of heart break. I’d tread carefully, but if he’s worth it - yeah I would start all over. I've grown up in so many ways, have become insanely independent throughout med school, truly cognizant of my actions, how they impact others, and how I deserve to be treated in return. If I've learned something, it's that the only way to truly live life is by loving others. So I say: Love SO damn hard -- because when it was reciprocated by the one I loved, I think it was the closest thing to feeling magic.

Maybe that’s why I held on for so long? Maybe that’s why a lot of us hold on - because magic so rare; Sometimes you don’t even notice it, and when it’s there it’s impossible to describe but your heart just feels so full. I didn’t have hope a year ago, but now I do. I have hope that I’ll experience magic again one day. 

I realized I came to all these conclusions because I thought about it logically (minus the magic part - but I believe in Harry Potter, so magic is definitely real). Although this post is entirely about emotions, I logically dissected why I felt certain ways, how I overcame each phase.. and everything finally makes sense. I slowly started coming to these conclusions months and months ago, but with how crazy my life has been as a medical student, I haven’t had time to think about my personal life or process anything going on that’s outside of school or my immediate family/friends. Sometimes we have to take a step back, even years after the inciting event, to pick up the pieces and understand why we went through what we did in order to move forward. Maybe this is the closure I needed all along.

Tonight I hope to sleep so well and wake up as a new woman. A new woman who has finally and fully healed after all these phases, all these emotions, all these years. The crazy thing is, I’ll wake up in 4 hours to go see patients in the nursing home, and in my mind it’ll be like I never had any of these thoughts. I won’t be thinking about my past. I won’t be thinking about MY feelings. VINDICATE will be running through my mind; I’ll be coming up with differential diagnoses, conversing with my patients and letting them know I’m fully present just for them - because that’s what we do in medicine. We think logically; and we block out emotions that may compromise our judgment. I couldn’t always do that before, and the fact that I can now is something I love about myself.

Happy 25th Birthday, Previous Boyfriend. Quarter century.. can’t believe you’re SO old! I hope you had a great day and got to share it with the people you love.

^That doesn't count as a real wish, I didn't actually say it TO him. It's just a sentimental thing.

Trust me. I truly am over it.

Sweet dreams.

[missjackil]

One Year.... One year ago this month, I was introduced to these AMAZING gentlemen, and life has never been the same! I don’t recall the exact day it happened, but I do know it was March, 2016, 

This is how it started... It was a very cold, snowy winter here in NJ last year, so my life long friend Dawn, my daughter Sarah, and I started binge watching different series on Netflix. Dawn first suggested this show Supernatural, which I had only heard of in passing a few times over the years, but she had watched since the beginning. She said I would love it, the brothers  are hot, they hunt monsters and demons, delve a lot into Religion, which is a big interest of mine, I even have a degree in Theology, and am legally ordained. I checked the title on Netflix and saw it had 10 seasons available, and I said  “Nah, that’s a pretty big commitment, I dont think I could stay interested in a show that long” then Dawn informed me, that it was still on the air and in season 11. Not my cup of tea, so I declined. She next suggested Nurse Jackie, which was really good, but so easy to burn through. I got the next pick and picked House MD which had been mine, and my daughter Sarah’s favorite series to date.  This was a longer series than Nurse Jackie, 8 seasons instead of 7, and hour long episodes, as opposed to half hour. This took almost 2 months to get through. While watching this series again, I would keep commenting how much I loved the bromance between House and Wilson, to wish Dawn would always reply “The you will LOVE Sam and Dean!!” So since she had next pick, I agreed to give Supernatural a try.  And this is what happened... *CRASH BOOM BANG  <heavy flop>* “Wooooaaah easy tiger” “Dean?” Yeah, these boys are freakin adorable, and Im gonna love this bromance. I thought Dean was hot, and Sam was cute. Too young for me to think he was hot (me being 49 at the time) but I felt like the monsters and a lot of the horror was pretty lame, and sometimes even cheesy, though I did enjoy the chemistry the boys had with each other, and found Sam’s psychic visions to be an interesting element, I didn’t think I would stay interested for very long.  For a while, we were only watching 2-3 episodes at a time, a couple times a week when Dawn would come over. Near the end of S1 I told her I didn’t think I wanted to continue. She asked me to PLEASE give it to the end of season 2 and if I still didnt like it, we could find something else. As promised, I did become more interested in S2. The humor was funnier, the acting got better, and the bromance was hotter, and the emotional moments were even more heart breaking. The first episode that left a really big impression on me was Born Under a Bad Sign. Until then, I knew Sam had psychic powers, and his father was worried he would turn dark, and left it on Dean’s shoulders to save him or kill him (good idea John, what the hell) and this episode was probably showing Sam go bad. I didnt want that, I liked the boys and I wanted to like both of them and not have to start thinking of Sam as evil, but he was soooooo creepy in that episode! I was so afraid he was going to rape Jo, fortunately he didn’t, but that “My daddy shot your daddy in the heeeaad” thing gave me the willies! I was so uncomfortable with this “Dark Sam” I thought maybe I couldnt continue. Dawn didnt want me to stop just yet, but didnt want to give me spoilers, she told me “Don’t worry, Sam and Dean are the GOOD guys and Sam is a REALLY good guy” so I continued. When it was discovered that Sam was possessed, I found that very interesting, I didn’t think the boys would ever succumb to the evil things, just kick their asses all the time, though I assumed theyd have their own asses kicked sometimes, I never thought the show would allow the heroes to really suffer.... boy was I wrong huh??  I recall my first noticing that Sam was hot and built like a truck, in Heart, and it was also the first time I really cried. I remember telling Dawn, I will watch it when she comes over but Im watching it on my own too, because now Im much more interested, but I also said “it’s kind of a bummer knowing the boys wont die, that will take away from the suspense and emotional moments when it’s feared they might die, and I remember her giving me this look... she said “trust me, you know nothing”. She was right ... All Hell Breaks Loose 1 & 2 had me sobbing! When Sam dies in Dean’s arms and Dean sobs into his neck, I dont think Ive ever seen such intense, realistic  grief on a TV show. And then Dean goes and sells his soul for Sam!! This turned what I thought was a “My brother is my best friend” love into a “Id willingly spend eternity in fire and torment, to have one more year with my brother” love. That was a big turning point for me. I new Id watch it till the end and couldnt wait for those long days off when I could just binge all day long.  Then Season 4 happened... I dont know when exactly it happened, or which episode it was, but somewhere early in S4, I discovered the most amazing thing. I woke up one day and realized I am madly in love with Sam Winchester! And to top it off, I was hopelessly addicted and obsessed with SPN! I wont give a rundown of how each season hit me, but its been a crazy, emotional, tragically painful, beautful roller coaster that I have no intentions to ever get off of. By the time I got to S9 and started seeing the episodes dwindle away, I didnt want to finish too fast, yet I wanted to keep binging, so thats when I decided to start rewatching. ration out the newer episodes so I dont finish too fast, and binge the ones Ive already seen, and Ive done that continiously since then, and that was in May. By the end of June, I had watched everything on Netflix and purchased all of S11 On Demand and just kept finishing and starting over, rinse, repeat.  What I have learned... I mean no disrespect to Dean, I love him... but, if he ever says “As long as Im around, nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you” ... just RUN!! He said this to Sam in S1 and things just unraveled fast for poor Sam. I dont think there are many bad things LEFT that haven't happened to Sam, and we still have at least 2 more seasons to go!!!  To me, Sam is the most beautiful, kind, selfless, brave character ever. Yet, he can be a little selfish on occasion, but if you needed any of the duct tape and safety pins that hold him together, he wouldnt think twice about giivng them to you. He is scared fairly often, but it’s never stopped him from facing any big bad monster life could hand him.Season 10 was definitely not his most attractive season (that hair?? WHAT??) and if you piss him off, he can viciously sting with his words at the very least, or be brutally lethal with his hands when need be. He is a full on nerd, but not the least bit pretentious about it. He doesnt think he is better than anyone, and maybe even not as good as most. He is brilliant, but wont ever make you feel stupid. He is the sweetest, kindest gentleman you’ll ever meet, but 100% badass as well. But most of all. he loves Dean with everything in his life. He will never leave him (again) for anyone. If he ever finds a significant other, they will have to accept him and Dean as One person. Package deal and thats it.  To me, Dean is a rock. He rarely ever changes, This isn’t a bad thing. This compliments Sam, who is ever changing. Dean doesn’t live inside his head. He expresses his feelings more physically than with words, though he isnt one to mince words if you need to hear it. He’s emotional, not afraid to cry, but maybe afraid of who he allows to see it. He’s not perfect, he has made a lot of poor choices for himself and for Sam as well, but never with any ill intent (other than when influenced by a Supernatural force) He is a sweetheart, who unfortunately carries too much baggage. In Regarding Dean I feel like I met the REAL Dean that is lost under decades of pain, lossm and never ending violence. He can piss me off big time, but I forgive him because Sam does, and the most important thing in his world is Sam. There is nothing he wouldnt do, nor lines he wouldnt cross for Sam, and I believe he would give Sam anything in his power if Sam would simply ask.  What I think of the side characters  Cas, Crowley, Rowena, Bobby, etc.. all good characters who bring a lot of interest to the show, but none are strong enough characters to have their own storylines apart from Sam and Dean. Their side stories arent very interesting. I would watch a show that was only Sam and Dean (which is what I prefer) but I wouldnt watch a show that was only Cas or Crowley or whomever. They should support Sam and Dean and thats it, in my opinion.

What I have learned about the Fandom... Supernatural is the Holy Reaches of Heaven to them and they are Religions. Separate groups of individuals, expressing their love for the show and the characters in different ways. Some SPN religions are open and accepting, and some are vicious and hateful. Everyone gets different things from different parts of the series, but some of these religions, think their thoughts are the best and only True Canon even when sometimes, their thoughts are not canon at all. There are some fun, silly, kind loving fans in the SPN Family, and I have met a few, but Ive also seen some unnecessarily hatefull, mean spirited individuals who I cant consider family. SPN belongs to me, and it belongs to you. Take from it what you take from it... blog your blogs, go meta crazy, ship your ships, and write the shit out of fan fic... but please dont belittle and berate those who think differently. It is a ficitonal show, no one is going to go to Hell or be arrested for their views on it. If you don’t like it, dont watch it, but let those who do still love it, like myself, enjoy it while they can. Don’t go trying to hurt our feelings with “It should end!!” because someday it will, we know this, but we want it to live on for as long as J2 are happy to do it, and even then, it’s gonna hurt like the death of a loved one to see it go, so try to be more considerate okay? If you stayed to read ALL of this, You are precious to me :) and thank you!

[haleyfury]

Instead of doing one mega summer reading recommendations post, I wanted to spread the summer reading love around and do recommendations in stages. While last week I shared summer reading recs based on what I read in 2019, today I’ll be talking about all the YA books that are perfect summertime reads. 

When I think of YA summer reads, my mind instantly goes to Huntley Fitzpatrick’s My Life Next Door. My Life Next Door was THE hot book of 2014/2015, especially on BookTube. In honor of this post, I actually reread My Life Next Door during my beach and pool days this week! It wasn’t as amazing as I remembered it to be – it definitely moved down from a 5 star to a 4 star read because it really didn’t provide solutions to the book’s conflicts – it still is a really great atmospheric summer read, as it takes place in a Connecticut beach town. I never read the companion novel, The Boy Most Likely To, so I actually might give it a read this summer! 

Today Tonight Tomorrow by Rachel Lynn Solomon – Althought it doesn’t come out until July 28th, you better adjust your summer reading plans now to include Rachel Lynn Solomon’s upcoming novel, Today Tonight Tomorrow. Taking place on the last day of senior year, enemies Rowan and Neil must pair together to win their senior class game. This book’s swoony romance and adventure provides for a fun way to fulfill some wanderlust this summer. 

Starry Eyes by Jenn Bennett – I am a firm believer that all of Jenn Bennett’s YA contemporaries make for perfect summer reads, but Starry Eyes especially does so! The book follows best friends turned enemies Zorie and Lennon’s group camping trip gone wrong. 

Unclaimed Baggage by Jen Doll – One book that I always wish got more love is Jen Doll’s Unclaimed Baggage – how can its adorable cover NOT grab your attention! I actually read Unclaimed Baggage on vacation two summers ago. It is such a unique summer contemporary, following three teens and unlikely friends working at a lost luggage store for the summer.

ALL of Morgan Matson’s books: 

Second Chance Summer, Amy and Roger’s Epic Detour, Save the Date, Since You’ve Been Gone, and The Unexpected Everything

Morgan Matson’s YA contemporaries are the quintessential summer reads (hence why I had to include all of them!). I’m forever highly anticipating Morgan Matson to announce her next book. 

If you’re looking for a lakeside read with plenty of emotion (tw: parent with a terminal illness), look no further than Second Chance Summer. If you wish you were going on a road trip this summer, live through Amy & Roger in Amy & Roger’s Epic Detour.

If you’re looking for a book with plenty of friendship, Since You’ve Been Gone is perfect. If you’re looking for a contemporary comedy with a focus on family, Save the Date is the one for you. And lastly, if you love small town vibes and DOGS, I highly The Unexpected Everything.

The Summer I Turned Pretty trilogy (The Summer I Turned, It’s Not Summer Without You, & We’ll Always Have Summer) by Jenny Han 

I’ve been in a big rereading mood over the past few months, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I reread Jenny Han’s first trilogy, The Summer I Turned Pretty, soon. This trilogy is pretty much everything you can expect in YA summer contemporary, beach houses and a love triangle included. 

Love & Gelato by Jenna Evans Welch – Love & Gelato is such a go-to summer contemporary … and it deserves all the hype it gets. I definitely recommend checking out the first two books in this companion series, Love & Gelato and Love & Luck, before the third book, Love & Olives, comes out this November. 

The Way You Make Me Feel by Maurene Goo – Maurene Goo’s The Way You Make Me Feel is one of my favorite YA contemporaries that have come out over the past five years. The book follows Clare’s summer working for her dad’s food truck, so there is plenty of family focus and food truck love (and plain ol’ romance) to go around. 

Mammoth by Jill Baguchinsky-  Mammoth is another wonderful read that is so under the radar. This is another unique read with a few elements that I wish we saw more of in YA. The book follows a plus-size teen fashion blogger & budding paleontologist working on a summer dig. 

Stay Sweet by Siobhan Vivian – I think I’ll almost always find a way to get Stay Sweet on to a contemporary recommendations list. A book about an all-female ice cream shop just screams summer. 

Alex, Approximately by Jenn Bennett – Okay, so of course I had to include another Jenn Bennett book! Alex, Approximately is California summer meets You’ve Got Mail in the best way. I actually recommend not reading its official blurb because it’s slightly spoilery. 

Words in Deep Blue by Cath Crowley – Words in Deep Blue received a ton of love when it first came out in 2017, me included!! The combination of a bookshop, summer, and a whole ton of feels makes this such a great read. 

Burn for Burn by Jenny Han & Siobhan Vivian – There always has to be at least one book that you read in the summer & have to dispend your belief a little, which leads me to Burn for Burn. I suggest trying out book #1 before deciding if you want to continue on with books #2 and #3, Fire With Fire and Ashes to Ashes. This trilogy is such a throwback to early 2010 YA books, making for cheesily delicious binge-reads this summer. 

What are some of your summer reading recs? Have you read any of the books I mentioned? Share in the comments!

Summer Reading Recommendations: The YA Edition Instead of doing one mega summer reading recommendations post, I wanted to spread the summer reading love around and do recommendations in stages.

[andytgerm]

Oscar Picks: The Return

OH, IT’S A WONDERFUL NIGHT FOR ANDY, ANDY ANDY, SAW THEM ALL! Billy, what are you doing here? Get off my seldom updated Tumblr! Hello again, everybody, sorry for the loss of control, I’m happy to be here to give my thoughts, feelings, impressions, and hints for happy living related to the 90th Annual Academy Awards, which air tonight at 8pm ET on ABC! I would like to brag about having managed to see everything this year. I’m really impressed with myself! If you are wondering: How would Andy rank all 59 movies which each received at least one nomination? Well, my rhetorical friend, you’re in luck, because I just hastily threw together such a list over on my Letterboxd profile, where I’ve been enjoying tracking everything I see with INSTANT JUDGEMENT, which those who know me will know is everything I’ve ever wanted in a social network. That list is here. Please don’t yell at me about my Phantom Thread placement, I’m sorry I didn’t dig it as much as you did.

 Without further ado, my fully informed picks for tonight!

Best picture: “Call Me by Your Name” “Darkest Hour” “Dunkirk” “Get Out” “Lady Bird” “Phantom Thread” “The Post” “The Shape of Water” “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”

If you pay any attention to the horse race aspects of this at all, you’ve probably heard that this is the MOST WIDE OPEN BEST PICTURE RACE IN MODERN HISTORY. I don’t necessarily disagree! Which is fun! The combined factors of the rapidly changing voters body demographics, the lack of a clear frontrunner narrative for everyone to react to, and everyone still getting a handle on the preferential ballot voting means this will be a nailbiter. My heart will always say Lady Bird, which I loved completely and without reservation, but I’d guess that will fall just a little low, 4th or so, on most ballots and may not make the cut. Of the three I’d be thrilled to see win (LB, The Post, Get Out), only one has a shot. I’m going to predict it, I’ve heard nothing but promising takes on it. Hell, Moonlight won last year! If that’s not a signal to shoot for the moon, I don’t know what is.

Will Win: Get Out Should Win: Lady Bird Dark Horse: 1. Dunkirk 2. Three Billboards 3. Shape of Water

Lead actor:

Timothée Chalamet, “Call Me by Your Name” Daniel Day-Lewis, “Phantom Thread” Daniel Kaluuya, “Get Out” Gary Oldman, “Darkest Hour” Denzel Washington, “Roman J. Israel, Esq.”

My two faves here are probably the least likely to take it. Kaluuya’s doing something really subtle and special in Get Out, and really holds it together and tips the film over into being a story you want to follow, when it can sometimes feel on the edge of being a merely great essay with a strong point to make. And Washington is in a deeply weird movie, but committing like hell and is insanely big and watchable. Chalamet is solid as a character I had trouble connecting to, ditto Day-Lewis, and Oldman’s doing that accenty Oldman thing and he’s gonna win it. Will Win: Gary Oldman Should Win: Daniel Kaluuya Dark Horse: Timothée Chalamet

Lead actress: Sally Hawkins, “The Shape of Water” Frances McDormand, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” Margot Robbie, “I, Tonya” Saoirse Ronan, “Lady Bird” Meryl Streep, “The Post”

Again, two performances I LOVE and then the rest. Saoirse and Streep isn’t just the name of the sitcom I want to already be in its 2nd syndicated run, it’s a couple of performances that complement each other well. Streep’s got so much Streepery expectations built in and she undercuts and plays against them all, and Saoirse plays with our comparative lack of baggage (I think this is the first time I’ve seen her sans accent, which helps) just melts into being an audience surrogate as someone coming into her own in the world. You maybe don’t always identify with her, but you do understand her, and that’s an incredible piece of business. Robbie hits the marks and will probably get a win in the next few years, she’s here to play. Hawkins is a technical marvel. And McDormand is certainly steady, which holds the movie together more than some of its other elements. Will Win: Frances McDormand Should Win: Saoirse Ronan Dark Horse: Saoirse Ronan

Supporting actor:

Willem Dafoe, “The Florida Project” Woody Harrelson, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” Richard Jenkins, “The Shape of Water” Christopher Plummer, “All the Money in the World” Sam Rockwell, “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Hey, The Florida Project was a great movie, wasn’t it? Maybe a bit hard to watch in spots, but so thoughtful and interesting. Willem, Dafriend of Good Cinema (shout out to #TheTwoFriends) is maybe not your natural first call to play a personification of decency, but I’m so glad he was top of the list for this role. That scene with the child predator is seared into my mind forever. Jenkins is my favorite part of a movie that was a bit of a challenge for me, his “speak what I sign” scene is very moving. Harrelson goes off in a lot of directions and his character does not really hold together at all. Plummer manages to not be the worst or most distracting element of that deeply mediocre movie, which is  a real, non-ironic accomplishment! Probable winner Sam Rockwell, in his moments of connection, gets at something I appreciated, but that movie does not have a clear idea of how that character does or should operate in it.

Will Win: Sam Rockwell Should Win: Willem Dafoe Dark Horse: Willem Dafoe

Supporting actress: Mary J. Blige, “Mudbound” Allison Janney, “I, Tonya” Lesley Manville, “Phantom Thread” Laurie Metcalf, “Lady Bird” Octavia Spencer, “The Shape of Water”

Everyone talks about Laurie Metcalf at the airport, but that’s maybe my 5th or 6th favorite moment of hers in the movie. Her talking to the kids when they’re high late at night after Lady Bird misses Thanksgiving dinner! Going with Lady Bird to do their favorite activity! Washing the dishes and completely ignoring Lady Bird’s pleas for forgiveness! The look at the dressing room! Gah, what a perfect thing that movie is. I love Allison Janney, she’s always great and fun, but boy, that movie does not have a clue how to give her an arc. I thought Blige got a bit lost in Mudbound, unfortunately. Spencer felt like more a plot driver and translation device than a full character to me. And Manville feels a few beats short of a great contribution. Will Win: Laurie Metcalf Should Win: Laurie Metcalf Dark Horse Smart Money: Allison Janney

Best director: “Dunkirk,” Christopher Nolan “Get Out,” Jordan Peele “Lady Bird,” Greta Gerwig “Phantom Thread,” Paul Thomas Anderson “The Shape of Water,” Guillermo del Toro

Personally would’ve swapped Spielberg in for Anderson or del Toro, but this is a GREAT category. Haven’t written at all about Dunkirk yet, but it’s smartly constructed and plays to Nolan’s strengths in all the best ways, this Nolan skeptic was very impressed. Peele has tapped into the zeitgeist brilliantly and is playing this in a way where I am tremendously excited to see what he does next. And Gerwig is ruthless in her storytelling, embracing her characters so warmly, but without treacle, letting them have their piece and then briskly moving on. Will Win: Guillermo del Toro Should Win: Gerwig and Peele are neck and neck here, but I’ll give Greta the edge. Dark Horse: Jordan Peele

Animated feature: “The Boss Baby,” Tom McGrath, Ramsey Ann Naito “The Breadwinner,” Nora Twomey, Anthony Leo “Coco,” Lee Unkrich, Darla K. Anderson “Ferdinand,” Carlos Saldanha “Loving Vincent,” Dorota Kobiela, Hugh Welchman, Sean Bobbitt, Ivan Mactaggart, Hugh Welchman

Hoo boy, there is a quality LINE in this category. Coco and The Breadwinner are great and smart and animated with tremendous artistry. And then... there’s the rest! Ferdinand is a very typical animated family movie of this era, nothing remarkable about it. The Boss Baby is deeply weird and the story is bananas. And Loving Vincent shows you why it got to be the first movie ever entirely painted with oils (the squigglyness kind of gave me a headache) and didn’t even to bother to ground it with an interesting story. Will Win: Coco Should Win: Coco Dark Horse: The Breadwinner

Animated short: “Dear Basketball,” Glen Keane, Kobe Bryant “Garden Party,” Victor Caire, Gabriel Grapperon “Lou,” Dave Mullins, Dana Murray “Negative Space,” Max Porter, Ru Kuwahata “Revolting Rhymes,” Jakob Schuh, Jan Lachauer

Garden Party is a total hoot. Check it out unspoiled if you can. Dear Basketball is pure garbage fluff, I guess it’s animated nicely, but it does not do anything remotely memorable. Lou is middle of the road Pixar short. Negative Space is the kind of thing where you go “Oh, that was interesting” throughout and at the end and then you don’t really think about it again. And Revolting Rhymes is a good bit of Dahl, but definitely feels like it was produced for TV.

Will Win: Garden Party Should Win: Garden Party Dark Horse: Lou

Adapted screenplay: “Call Me by Your Name,” James Ivory “The Disaster Artist,” Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber “Logan,” Scott Frank & James Mangold and Michael Green “Molly’s Game,” Aaron Sorkin “Mudbound,” Virgil Williams and Dee Rees

This is a fun category! Both screenplay categories are fairly fun this year, though both have at least one clunker. Inevitable winner CMBYN has a real sense of place and time and character that is incredibly entrancing while you’re watching it. Logan carries the weight of being in such a weird place, franchise-wise, with aplomb and gives Jackman a lot of good stuff to play with. Molly’s Game certainly indulges in Sorkinisms great (Everyone Cares About And References The Crucible!) and weird (Sure, Kevin Costner). Mudbound is aiming high and often succeeding, especially once it gets going. The Disaster Artist is the real question mark of this bunch, that is a very uneven script that doesn’t seem to want to actually say much other than “That was weird, huh?” Will Win: Call Me By Your Name Should Win: Call Me By Your Name Dark Horse: Mudbound, I guess? 

Original screenplay: “The Big Sick,” Emily V. Gordon & Kumail Nanjiani “Get Out,” Jordan Peele “Lady Bird,” Greta Gerwig “The Shape of Water,” Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Martin McDonagh

Hey, The Big Sick! Love you, glad you made it to the party! That’s a movie that lets everyone try their best, and I love it for it. Shape of Water and Three Billboards are my sticking points here, I’d say they’re both a bit unwieldy in slightly different ways. Water is definitely the better piece of writing, but I still never really fully got on board with the whimsy of it all. And for a guy who LOVES to put location names in his titles, I still am not convinced Martin McDonagh knows how to evoke a real sense of place. This leaves my love forever, Lady Bird and the story of the year, Get Out for my fave slot. I tend to side with the movie that feels bigger and messier (LB), as opposed to sharper and tighter (GO), but for some reason I’m feeling the latter was more of a writing accomplishment this year. 

Will Win: Get Out Should Win: Get Out Dark Horse: Three Billboards

Cinematography: “Blade Runner 2049,” Roger Deakins “Darkest Hour,” Bruno Delbonnel “Dunkirk,” Hoyte van Hoytema “Mudbound,” Rachel Morrison “The Shape of Water,” Dan Laustsen

I never feel well equipped to talk about cinematography, but for my money th ebest images of the year were all found in Blade Runner 2049, what big colors and overwhelming visions! Shout-out to Dunkirk’s YOU ARE THERE immersion. Will Win: Blade Runner 2049 Should Win: Lade Runner 2049 Dark Horse: Dunkirk

Best documentary feature: “Abacus: Small Enough to Jail,” Steve James, Mark Mitten, Julie Goldman “Faces Places,” JR, Agnès Varda, Rosalie Varda “Icarus,” Bryan Fogel, Dan Cogan “Last Men in Aleppo,” Feras Fayyad, Kareem Abeed, Soren Steen Jepersen “Strong Island,” Yance Ford, Joslyn Barnes

Faces Places is so fun for the first 70 or 80 minutes and then has a knockout of profundity to end you with. What a well constructed documentary! Strong Island is a close runner-up in its power and storytelling panache. I can’t wait to see what subject Yance Ford will take on next. Abacus has some great characters, but feels constrained by PBS and Last Men in Aleppo is a bit of a retread of last year’s short winner, The White Helmets. The less said about Icaraus the better, although this means I’m probably going to be mad that I never acknowledged it as a possibility when it wins.

Will Win: Faces Places Should Win: Faces Places Dark Horse: Strong Island

Best documentary short subject: “Edith+Eddie,” Laura Checkoway, Thomas Lee Wright “Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405,” Frank Stiefel “Heroin(e),” Elaine McMillion Sheldon, Kerrin Sheldon “Knife Skills,” Thomas Lennon “Traffic Stop,” Kate Davis, David Heilbroner

These aren’t all soul-crushing for once! I was so entranced and enthralled by Heaven is a Traffic Jam, what a terrific subject (that admittedly hits a lot of my personal buttons). Heroin(e) (with the “e” in parentheses! Shout out Palooza and Mo(u)rning!) is also an incredible piece of documentary craft, the focus and weaving of the stories it zooms in on will make it a worthy winner. Edith+Eddie is effective at winning over a crowd, but I felt really alienated by how much I thought was left out. Knife Skills could use better focus. Traffic Stop is very of the moment and has a grabbing opening incident which it does not always know where to go with. Will Win: Heroin(e) Should Win: Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405 Dark Horse: Traffic Stop

Best live action short film: “DeKalb Elementary,” Reed Van Dyk “The Eleven O’Clock,” Derin Seale, Josh Lawson “My Nephew Emmett,” Kevin Wilson, Jr. “The Silent Child,” Chris Overton, Rachel Shenton “Watu Wote/All of Us,” Katja Benrath, Tobias Rosen Perhaps the strongest shorts category this year! Eleven O’Clock is very funny, which probably makes it too lightweight to win, but I was delighted by it. DeKalb and Emmett are both great dramatizations of Important Issues, anchored by some smart filmmaking and acting choices, respectively. Watu Wote and Silent Child both suffered from “To Learn More” text-itis, where the movie tells you directly where to go to help solve the problem it depicts by the end, or at least feels like it wants to do that. Will Win: DeKalb Elementary Should Win: The Eleven O’Clock Dark Horse: My Nephew Emmett

Best foreign language film: “A Fantastic Woman” (Chile) “The Insult” (Lebanon) “Loveless” (Russia) “On Body and Soul (Hungary) “The Square” (Sweden) I LOVED The Square, but again, that’s a movie that plays directly to my interests, content-and-thematic-discussion-wise. Shoutout to that kid who hates being grounded! A Fantastic Woman is also terrific and knows exactly how to make you feel what it wants you to feel, and I was drawn into On Body and Soul slowly but effectively.  The other two were a bit overwhelming, Insult was too idea-focused and broad, Loveless was B L E A K.

Will Win: The Square Should Win: The Square Dark Horse: A Fantastic Woman

Film editing: “Baby Driver,” Jonathan Amos, Paul Machliss “Dunkirk,” Lee Smith “I, Tonya,” Tatiana S. Riegel “The Shape of Water,” Sidney Wolinsky “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Jon Gregory

Three. Different. Temporalities.  Will Win: The Shape of Water Should Win: Dunkirk Dark Horse: Baby Driver

Sound editing: “Baby Driver,” Julian Slater “Blade Runner 2049,” Mark Mangini, Theo Green “Dunkirk,” Alex Gibson, Richard King “The Shape of Water,” Nathan Robitaille, Nelson Ferreira “Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” Ren Klyce, Matthew Wood

BB8, love you forever. Will Win: Dunkirk Should Win: Dunkirk Dark Horse: The Shape of Water

Sound mixing: “Baby Driver,” Mary H. Ellis, Julian Slater, Tim Cavagin “Blade Runner 2049,” Mac Ruth, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hephill “Dunkirk,” Mark Weingarten, Gregg Landaker, Gary A. Rizzo “The Shape of Water,” Glen Gauthier, Christian Cooke, Brad Zoern “Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” Stuart Wilson, Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick

(I was very underwhelmed by Baby Driver, I feel this is an appropriate place to hide this Bad Opinion) Will Win: Baby Driver Should Win: Blade Runner 2049 Dark Horse: Dunkirk

Production design: “Beauty and the Beast,” Sarah Greenwood; Katie Spencer “Blade Runner 2049,” Dennis Gassner, Alessandra Querzola “Darkest Hour,” Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer “Dunkirk,” Nathan Crowley, Gary Fettis “The Shape of Water,” Paul D. Austerberry, Jeffrey A. Melvin, Shane Vieau

Will be ok with this win when Shape of Water sweeps a bunch of technical awards.

Will Win: The Shape of Water Should Win: The Shape of Water Dark Horse: Blade Runner 2049

Original score: “Dunkirk,” Hans Zimmer “Phantom Thread,” Jonny Greenwood “The Shape of Water,” Alexandre Desplat “Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” John Williams “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri,” Carter Burwell

My faves here are probably Williams and Zimmer, but I’m basic that way. Will Win: The Shape of Water Should Win: Dunkirk Dark Horse: Phantom Thread

Original song: “Mighty River” from “Mudbound,” Mary J. Blige “Mystery of Love” from “Call Me by Your Name,” Sufjan Stevens “Remember Me” from “Coco,” Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Robert Lopez “Stand Up for Something” from “Marshall,” Diane Warren, Common “This Is Me” from “The Greatest Showman,” Benj Pasek, Justin Paul

I kind of liked the song from Marshall! That’s the kind of things you discover about yourself when you watch every nominated movie in full, even if the only thing it’s nominated for is a song that plays over some End of The Movie Exponsition Text And Closing Credits. I probably have a full Greatest Showman screed in me about what I think is great and terrible about the movie, but it’s getting late and I should have dinner before the show so, NOT TODAY! The CMBYN song is the kind of thing that is usually Not My Thing, but I did think it was nice and effective here. Will Win: “Remember Me”  Should Win: “Remember Me” Dark Horse Smart Pick: “This Is Me”

Makeup and hair: “Darkest Hour,” Kazuhiro Tsuji, David Malinowski, Lucy Sibbick “Victoria and Abdul,” Daniel Phillips and Lou Sheppard “Wonder,” Arjen Tuiten

JOWLS!

Will Win: Darkest Hour Should Win: Wonder Dark Horse: Wonder

Costume design: “Beauty and the Beast,” Jacqueline Durran “Darkest Hour,” Jacqueline Durran “Phantom Thread,” Mark Bridges “The Shape of Water,” Luis Sequeira “Victoria and Abdul,” Consolata Boyle

Fine, Phantom Thread. You can have this one and I won’t roll my eyes. Also, Victoria & Abdul is very bad and you should not watch it, FYI. Will Win: Phantom Thread Should Win: Phantom Thread Dark Horse: The Shape of Water

Visual effects: “Blade Runner 2049,” John Nelson, Paul Lambert, Richard R. Hoover, Gerd Nefzer “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2,” Christopher Townsend, Guy Williams, Jonathan Fawkner, Dan Sudick “Kong: Skull Island,” Stephen Rosenbaum, Jeff White, Scott Benza, Mike Meinardus “Star Wars: The Last Jedi,”  Ben Morris, Mike Mulholland, Chris Corbould, Neal Scanlan “War for the Planet of the Apes,” Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, Daniel Barrett, Joel Whist

I like how most of these use and integrate effects! This list is long! A lot of awards! I’m punchy! WINNERS ARE GREAT!

Will Win: War for the Planet of the Apes Should Win: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Dark Horse: Blade Runner 2049

[canaryatlaw]

So today was all around pretty sweet. Got out of bed at my alarm at 7, like a good girl, and went to work. Work was a bit of a scramble, I did a lot of different things so I may not recount all of them perfectly. I started with more jail phone calls, which I did at other points in the day as well. Nothing super interesting came out today other than the mom like cursing out her 16 year old daughter and saying she didn't want to see her when she gets out of prison, because she's clearly an awful person. But like, mom's not even a party on this case because she never came forward, despite giving birth to the child???? Idk, it's weird. Stupid. So I did that until around 11 when I had the interview scheduled for, so I called the juvenile correctional facility (proper name) and got bounced around a few times until I got the guy I was talking to yesterday who then put the kid on the phone. I know it's like, basically a jail, but it still kind of bugs me that they refer to them as "offenders" or "inmates." We're always very intentional with our language because they're our clients, so we make sure to always refer to them as such. But anyway. I wasn't sure what to expect from him, I want to say he's like 17 or so, and basically I was interviewing him because he's set to get out at the end of the month and there's a CIPP next week for him to try and figure out a placement. He was actually really polite, very "yes m'am" and such, and he seemed to be in a pleasant mood and I'm sure fairly excited at the prospect of getting out. He gave mostly one word questions, which to be fair is all that was really required for a lot of the questions. He was not enrolled at school at the facility (don't know how that works) but when he gets out he wants to get his GED and go on to college to study music, with his future plans being to "inspire people in the same situation I'm in through my music" so hey, good for him. As far as placement he wants to go live with his aunt in Texas, which is somewhat questionable because she used to to be his guardian but he got returned to the system because his behavioral problems were giving her "high blood pressure" (smh). But relative placements are generally a good thing, so that may work. Overall it was pretty short, but I got all the info I needed so I'm counting it as a win. I wrote it up as a narrative afterwards then went back to the phone calls. At one point my boss gave me some stuff to work on, but I ended up going back to the phone calls until I could review them with that lawyer towards the end of the day. I had gone through my notes and highlighted the important stuff, where they talked about evading DCFS or when their relationship was particularly evident (given that they're not supposed to be together, according to his testimony). So that was good. Afterwards I didn't have very much time left, but I started on an assignment my boss had given me regarding a client who essentially went missing, but is supposedly living in a city in Illinois with her mom, so she wanted me to call the caseworker and see if I could find her on Facebook or anything. Caseworker didn't answer, so I moved on to Facebook. Apparently another lawyer had tried a few months ago and didn't get any results. Well, my web sleuthing skills tend to be pretty good, and I was able to locate a potential profile for the mom that was friends with a profile with the same name as the daughter, with other contextual clues pointing to them, so that could be a potential lead, though there's no information posted publicly so we'd have to have the investigation unit message them apparently. I also did a people search on lexis which is apparently something you can do, and it turned up one Illinois address in a town not too far from the one we were told they were living in, so that's a potential lead to probe when I get back. And yeah, then it was 2:30 and I headed out. Got an uber pretty quickly, nice driver if a little quirky, when he heard I was gonna head to O'hare shortly after going home and grabbing my things he asked if he could hang around and do it as one trip and I said sure, so when we got home I just ran in and changed, then through some things in my bag and headed back out, which was all I really needed to do. My downstairs neighbor, the dad, was outside playing with his two adorable children, and when I was walking in the little boy stood in the middle of the sidewalk and tried to like, growl at me, but it was actually the cutest thing I've ever heard and I could not stop laughing lol. Then on my way out a few minutes later he decided he was a puppy and wanted me to pet him, and then his sister decided she was one too and between the two of them it was just so darn cute it made me smile. We hit the road again and hit a little bit of traffic getting to the airport but still got there right on time so no worries there. It's probably my most expensive uber trip, it came out to like $65, but I was in the car for like, 2 hours, so it was a significant amount of distance lol. The airport wasn't very crowded, which is always a relief in this city. Checked my bag quickly, then got through security in just a few minutes. When I stepped out of the scanner machine the guard made a quirk about having to do a field sobriety test because I had two different socks on, and I was like.....really? And he was like no I'm just joking haha then asked if it was intentional and I told him it was. It was a bit of a trek to the gate, all the way at the far end of the terminal, and I thought I was lost at one point but I was actually headed in the right direction. So I got down there and surveyed the scene, saw that they hadn't started boarding yet and probably wouldn't for a little bit, so I walked back and bought a sandwich and some granola since the flight wasn't gonna get in until 8:46 (supposedly, anyway). So I sat at the gate and ate my sandwich, as we waited, and waited, and waited. We were told we were just waiting on the crew and we should be boarding "soon," and it would only set us back 15 minutes. Alright, fair enough. We did eventually board, and there was some confusion with seating and I got bumped up one row from where my ticket said but that wasn't a big deal of course. So then we boarded the plane and waited some more. We were like, set to go, phones on airplane mode and everything, but then ended up sitting for a while longer waiting for our turn to go, and soon enough it was 6:30 when the flight was supposed to take off at 5:30....sigh. So I turned my phone off airplane mode for a second to let the guy who was picking me up know this, and then we took off shortly after that. The flight itself was fine, it took them pretty long to get the drinks out but I didn't really care lol. As has been my tradition for flights lately, I read the fanfiction I had earlier downloaded offline to my phone. Read some short stories and one fairly long one, and enjoyed them all quite a bit. We ended up landing around 9:10, so not too bad from our expected arrival time (note the time difference as well). Got off the plane and headed to baggage claim, the terminal was pretty much deserted, our flight was the only people there. Baggage came soon enough, and then my ride showed up. Since my parents absolutely refuse to go to laguardia airport since they're slightly nuts and hate it (it is a pain in the ass but they're unreasonable about it) they always just have our family friends who own a limo service send somebody out to get me. Tonight it was the dad of the family, who I know pretty well of course. It was a decent length ride back, so we talked about different things, I shared about my job and he wanted to know how I handled the more heartbreaking elements of it and such, and we talked a bit about the current political climate, though I chose my words very carefully since I knew he was a Trump fan (or used to be anyway, I don't know how he feels about him now). We were talking about the poverty problem and I basically just framed it as whether you believe in public or private funding, as Christians we are called to help the poor, and the attitude of simply being apathetic and even demeaning towards them is all too common in Christian circles and simply antithetical to what the bible says, and I think he definitely agreed with that. Overall it was a pleasant ride. Got home around 10:30, but everyone was still up and around (save my younger brother, who's always out doing something with somebody and never really around). So we talked and ate and just hung out for a little while, and made some more plans for tomorrow after the baby shower as well as for our city trip on Sunday, just figuring out the mechanics and all that. I'm excited for the baby shower for sure. They asked that instead of cards everyone bring a children's book and inscribe it, so they could read them all to their child. I had gotten the book Corduroy off amazon and had it shipped to the house since that was my favorite book when I was a little kid, so I wrote a little message in the front entitled "dear little one" and signed "Aunt Rachel" which just made me feel really happy to write because ahhhhh I love children and no matter if I end up in New York or not I am most definitely going to be around for this child's life and be Aunt Rachel, just as she was my cousin growing up and her mom was my aunt (though of course we have no blood relation, I always still refer to her as my cousin and she does the same). So yeah, I'm super excited for that. And then I'll apparently go to the fair that's in town with my sister for a bit and then I'm making sure we go to see Wonder Woman because I need to see this movie and cannot wait any longer. But yeah, good day and I'm happy to be home. Should be lots of fun over the next two weeks and I'm looking forward to it. That's it for now. Goodnight sweethearts. Hope you have a lovely weekend.