#like the mental illness wouldnt be so bad if we also had public transport and cheaper tuition and less bigotry and systemic oppression

[lesbiansandstorm]

am struggling a bit lmao, a vent. pls like if u read it all, if you can. long post.

mentions of parents, homophobia, abuse, suicide, self harm. brief, not graphic.

so like. i wanna move out and get away from my toxic mother. shes homophobic, to the point where i’d probably be disowned anyway if i came out.

i dont know how long i can stay closeted for, it. hurts. so much. not only that, she restricts me a lot - won’t let me buy or wear certain clothes, for example. (if i had my way, i’d shop in the mens section for most things.)

i’m not just hiding being gay, i’m also hiding all my mental shit. i am 100%!!! sure i have adhd. also have struggled with eating issues/s.h./s*icide attempts and so on. mother thinks mental illnesses are fake, wouldnt let me see anyone and would likely shame me for even bringing it up.

seeming i’m 18, i should be able to go and get myself diagnosed and maybe medicated, specifically for the adhd, preferably. 

some issues with this: paying for the appointment, paying for medication. we have public/private healthcare (hell yeah australia), but the physical cards are required - my mother keeps them in her wallet, theres no way i can borrow them without her knowing. i cant make up an excuse for another reason to see a doctor.

i have the card numbers, but i worry that she’ll get a bill/receipt saying when the cards were used. dont wanna take the risk.

i dont have my drivers license (i have a learner license - law in my state: can get learners license at 16, must log 100 hours of supervised driving and have license for a year)

i didnt start driving as soon as i was 16 (may ‘16), got learners lic in september ‘16... mother wouldnt let me drive until we could afford lessons as she didnt want to teach me her bad habits

so i didnt actually start driving til april 2017... its nearly 2019 and ive done.... 60-70 of my required hours but that isnt enough, i cant park or anything and dont have the opportunity to drive often as we now have one less car.

its taking me a really long time and im struggling because... i assume, adhd!

head shit = no license, no license = no job... whys that? well.

i live in a rural area, about 40 mins from the city centre. theres no public transport in my suburb, i have to go to the next suburb along (9km, too far to walk) to the nearest bus stop.

parents would be unable to drive me to the bus stop for me to get to work as they both work 5 days.

so i have very little money, hard for me to move out. since i still live at home im not eligible for any government benefits.

i was thinking i could move into accomodation at my university campus but its so expensive

no family i can move in with and no friends can take me in. i’m in a really tough spot.

not only that, my dad might be moving away (i get along better with him, most of the time.) he wants to move to another state to be closer with his parents/nieces, thats fine, im 18 now and he doesnt owe me anything

he’s happy to help support me money wise, but he wouldnt go against my mother and help me move out unfortunately. think he knows im gay and would be okay with it... cant tell him about the mental shit bc as i said he probably wouldnt be able to hide it from my mother. theyre not really ‘together’ anymore but we all live in the same house for now, they get along fine but are more friends than anything else. i assume when he moves he will want to remain friends.

shes mad at him for wanting to move, she wants to stay here. she now guilts me, saying we’ll have to sell this house, and she wont take any money from him (he’s happy to help us w mortgage etc if he gets a good job)

my plan was to gtfo as soon as possible but it looks like if he moves away i’ll be stuck with her for at least... 2 years or so? she accepts that i’ll have to leave eventually but says she’ll need my help once he leaves

sorry to vent abt my personal shit im just really stuck and sad about it.

[purrxtina43]

I have no idea how to use this site anymore. It’s been a really long time since I’ve written and I feel like it will be so therapeutic to write and the fact that I know no one reads my blog makes me feel even better haha I can write more freely and just write about whatever goes on in this strange brain of mine.

So whats on my mind tonight that is keeping me up...I have been triggered lately by a few things that have to do with trauma I’ve experienced but literally have never done the work to heal it. Not because I wouldnt do it but because I didnt know how to heal from it. I thought I was healing from it by burying it down and moving forward. My first relationship really fucked me up and apparently it’s time to talk about it. We loved each other very much. He was my first love and I thought he was the coolest guy ever and I loved that he didnt care what other people thought of him because I always cared about what everyone thought of me...all the time. That relationship was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. Years of being verbally abused when he would go back to doing drugs secretly. Years of him harassing me saying i threatened his daughter when I did no such thing. years of being told he could find you at any time. No support from my family. no surprise there. Honestly I kind of get it..my grandfather was dying a slow terrible death in the Dominican Republic. The way this guy,,,affected my self esteem is just...mind blowing. I think he wanted me to believe that we were on the same level but we weren’t. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I was completely innocent in that relationship. I was really messed up back then too. My mental illness was running rampant and I had no idea..but does making mistakes in relationship and in life excuse verbal abuse? His words have stayed with me throughout the years. It’s very easy to remember the horrible things he said. It’s taken me a really long time to not feel bad for him as strange as it sounds. He knew me so well like the darkest things and the best things. So for him to tell me what a piece of shit hoe I am...really has been hard to get out of my head. This year I let him go. The trauma work still needs to be done but I ended contact a while ago and I’m praying that its the last time. I feel like it is but I hate how with him..it’s just unpredictable but I hear he has a girlfriend so maybe he really has moved on and will leave me alone. I personally am fine if we never speak again. I dont want to wish him anything bad. I just personally would like to never hear from him again. There were times during the pandemic where..my anxiety started getting paralyzing again. It’s still quite hard for me to leave the house. I feel like im being judged from the moment I step out the door. For a while I was having trouble feeling safe outside of my house and I feel like it’s happening again but this time it’s not because I’m afraid of him. I used to get scared going to empty the garbage or taking my daughter to the park by myself. Now..I dont feel the fear of him every day showing up. Although I realize anything is possible especially based on recent events that have been triggering. I think the pain surrounding this past relationship...is probably deep and the wound is still open and buried behind the surface but this time I’m finally ready to face the pain and start working on healing. I wish i had known that I could have started to work on this a long time ago but everything also happens when it’s supposed to. 

I’ve always known that I wasn’t “normal”. As a kid I would stress and get anxiety about taking the bus everyday to school and finding the bus at the end of the day. That anxiety is still around to this day. I struggle with public transportation, driving, daily life. Breathing lol It’s an everyday struggle that some people close to me wont be able to understand. I try really hard to push through it but it’s become paralyzing. my world is very small. I can drive to work, to my daughters school and back home. Mind you thats all incredibly close driving wise but even so i still wake up with the dread/anxiety of having to drive in the morning and having to pick up my daughter either after work or go home first but when i go home first, I usually dont want to leave the house again or if i go pick her up ill take a walk to do it. partially to escape and partially cause I sit at a desk all day so my body is just tired and I want to be more active still. Just lately Ive been feeling a bit depressed again and I’m always exhausted...I think thats all I have to share for now. I’ll do a bit of writing probably later or tomorrow. xo