#like that woman who wore a conservation item to get everyone to talk about her

[high-lady-of-earth]

Court of Nightmares

Azriel x Reader Oneshot

Summary: You and Azriel must go down to the Court of Nightmares. Afterwards, you find out that Az is a little insecure about his scars. This incorporates a prompt I received from @spaghettinoode1234

Hope you enjoy:)

You were the newest addition to the inner circle. You were a high fae, formerly a human, who had been Made during the war with Hybern.

You had a tenuous relationship with society after being alone for years in Hybern, so your residence had become the House of the Wind, which you actually enjoyed, unlike the others. Nesta had been glad to let you live with her and Cassian.

It was once again time for the Solstice and with it came presents. You had to buy presents for Feyre, Rhys, Elain, Mor, Armen, and Azriel. Nesta and Cassian were away on a mission. But with the solstice, came another, darker thing. The visit to the Court of Nightmares.

You were a sort of jammer when it came to magic. Your powers functioned to block the magic of others. With tensions rising in the Hewn City, Rhys wanted you and Azriel to pay Kier the annual visit.

Mor had informed you that Azriel wanted to go tonight, so you had to get your shopping out of the way today because solstice was tomorrow. Clad in a pair of loose pants and a long sleeved mesh top, you bundled up in a fur coat and winnowed to the Palace of Threads and Jewels.

Surveying the vendors, you looked for gifts for your friends. Rhys provided you with more money than you needed, so cost wasn’t an issue. You already had a rough idea of what you wanted to get for everyone. For Feyre and Rhysand, you wanted to find something for Nyx.

For Elain, you had seen a cart that sold rare flowers from the continent. They were roses, but enhanced with magic to sparkle in the daylight. Elain was working hard in the garden’s of Feyre and Rhys’ new house, and you knew they would look perfect on a trellis next to a fountain.

Mor was the easiest to shop for. You described an outfit to a tailor you wanted made and you were waiting for it to be finished. The ensemble consisted of a blouse, cropped to where the ribs ended, covered in thousands of glass beads. The skirt was the prettiest pink color with a slit up the side and an embroidered border made of glass beads at the top and bottom. Perhaps the most striking was the shawl, which drew on Eastern styles and was covered in the most beautiful embroidery and rhinestones. You had truly outdone yourself.

Armen was even easier. You had walked into Velaris’ most expensive jewelry store and had immediately found a something for Amren. It was a delicate necklace with a large stone in the middle. It was a red stone that changed color with the light, shifting between pink, red, and orange hues. You asked the lady what the stone was and learned that legend said it was a single scale from a dragon, given to the jeweler’s ancestor many thousands of years ago. The jeweler had decided to part with it suddenly after the war.

The last gift was for Azriel. You had absolutely no idea what to get him. He had saved your life, and you were head over heels for him, but it seemed as though there was a deep sadness to him. Mor had told Azriel that she preferred females, but he didn’t take it too well. He was still healing and you didn’t want to push him. Thus, you had no idea what was considered an appropriate gift.

You walked through the carts aimlessly, when suddenly an idea came to your mind. From experience, you knew that Azriel’s hands got ice cold. He couldn’t put on gloves because of his siphons. You would have someone make leather gloves lined with fur with an opening for his siphons. You asked a tailor to make the gloves and then started wandering again, looking for baby items.

You came across a cart selling baby jewelry and immediately found what you wanted to give Feyre and Rhys. It was a circlet, made of diamonds and onyx that represented the night court. It was beautiful and expertly crafted. The woman selling it told you it was one of a kind. She had not made any others to sell. You paid the woman in gold coins and gathered the rest of your presents. Then, you winnowed back to the House of Wind.

When you winnowed into the living room, you were startled by Azriel’s presence. He was sitting in chair, shrouded by darkness, looking at your intently. He held a box in his hands, which you knew contained the clothes you would have to wear.

“Time to go already?” You asked him.

“Indeed it is, Y/n.” He murmured. You loved the way Azriel’s voice was deep and smooth when he talked to you, making it almost sensual.

Azriel got up from the chair and banished his shadows to the edge of the room. You could now see his lean form without the darkness of the shadows. Azriel wore his Illyrian fighting leathers as well as his siphons. However, he had decided to forgo some of his armor, displaying enticing planes of his skin on his abdomen and back. You imagined how the muscles in his back would ripple as he walked.

Azriel approached you and gave you the box. He told you that he had brought Cerridwen and Nuala to help you get ready and that he would be waiting here, in the living room. You nodded and walked to your bedroom. Inside, were Cerridwen and Nuala with a steaming bath. They helped you strip off your clothes and then scrubbed your skin raw, rubbing in scented oils.

Once they had dried you off, they brought out your outfit. It was a midnight blue gauzy dress that was more conservative than Feyre’s Court of Nightmares outfit. You had to admit, the dress didn’t look bad at all. It had a plunging neckline that went down to the waist and two slits up the side of the dress that went up to your hips, but the opaque midnight fabric was overlaid with a translucent tulle blue fabric. Your legs were covered. Cerridwen put the dress on you and then Nuala sat you down to do your hair.

She blew it out, straightening it to get rid of the frizz, then she curled the edges. In the front, she grabbed some hair on each side and braided a thin strand, which she clipped in the back using a silver hair clip inlaid with midnight blue gems. Then, Nuala grabbed loose stones and threaded them into your hair.

Next, Cerridwen and Nuala worked on your makeup. They stayed simple, doing a smokey eye, eyeliner, and mascara for your eyes and a mauve berry lip gloss for your lips. They finished by dusting a silver shimmery powder over your cheeks. Cerridwen handed you a pair of silver strappy heels, which you put on and walked back to the living room.

Azriel looked up at you and your eyes met. For a split second, you thought you saw heat in his eyes, but it went away and you thought you might have imagined it.

“I’m giving you your solstice gift early, Y/n.” Azriel said, bringing out another large velvet box. He opened it to reveal several pieces of midnight blue jewelry, all the same color of his siphons.

“They’re all so beautiful.” You whispered to Azriel, looking up at him. He moved around to the back of you and helped you put on the necklace.

“They are nothing compared to you.” Azriel said. Your heart skipped a beat. You didn’t know what to say, so you didn’t respond. You put on the dangling earrings and bracelets and ring.

“I’m ready to go.” You told Azriel. He stood behind you and put an arm around your waist, getting ready to fly you there.

“You remember the drill, right? You sit on my lap and tell me what people are thinking. Block their magic if you think they are a threat.”

“Yup. The whole Daemati drill.”

Azriel’s arm tightened around your waist and the two of you suddenly traveled through the fabric of space and time itself. The world whooshed around you and you closed your eyes so you wouldn’t get dizzy. Then, almost as suddenly as you disappeared, the throne room of the Hewn City materialized around you.

Azriel had winnowed the two of you onto the single throne on the dais, Feyre’s throne absent since it was only Azriel presiding over the court today. Rhysand had even give Azriel permission to sit on the throne. You had been positioned on top of Azriel’s strong thighs, the thin fabric of your dress allowing you to feel his heat even through his thick Illyrian leathers.

Kier stood in front of the throne, along with about fifty other people. The room was dark, only a few strategically-placed fae lights provided light. This, however, suited Azriel because his shadows could run rampant.

“Welcome to the Hewn City, General.” Kier said in a pleasant tone that undoubtedly was laced with venom underneath. Nobody here wanted to bow to the beautiful male she perched on top of. They disregarded the Illyrian heritage that made him so powerful. So awe-inspiring.

Azriel gave Kier a bored look as if to say get on with it. Kier flicked his glance to you and paused. Azriel’s arm moved around your waist and stopped so that his fingers grazed your hip.

“Who, if I may ask, is this?” Kier asked. You swallowed some fear. Mor’s father had taken an interest in you — not a good sign. You stilled and became stiff against Azriel. His other hand snaked around to rest on top of your thigh. A mark of ownership clear to Kier and the rest of the court.

“She isn’t anyone special. Just a new one to grace my arm today.” Azriel said with cold steel in his voice. You knew Azriel’s words were lies for the court, but it still stung to be called a nobody. The others looked like they believed Azriel, but Kier didn’t. He silently noted how Azriel’s hand had moved to your thigh, almost like a warning.

You knew that Kier wasn’t fooled by your pathetic act and could tell something else was going on here. You cursed inside your head — you desperately needed to do something. You used your power to push a little at the dark sleek walls of Azriel’s mental defenses. He noted your presence and let you in.

“Kier isn’t buying the act.” You said inside his head. “We need to be more convincing.”

You pulled out of Azriel’s mind as his hand, the one on your waist, moved to the neckline of your gown. He began to toy with it, the only indication that he had understood your words.

You could feel Azriel’s callused fingers through the flimsy fabric of your dress. His hand moved over your right breast, and you sucked in a breath as his fingers grazed over your chest.

“You’re doing great, Y/n.” Azriel whispered in your ear. The hand on your thigh inched closer and closer to your core, and you felt yourself flush with embarrassment. You were frozen in place, watching Kier, who’s expression slackened as he undoubtedly scented your very real arousal, and along with it, banished any doubts about you being a threat.

Inwardly, you were mortified, but you didn’t let it show. Azriel’s fingers finally reached your inner thigh, where they played with the fabric of your dress.

“So, Kier, how goes the operations down here?” Azriel asked in his deadly voice. You didn’t hear Kier’s response because Azriel’s hand had suddenly began to rub circles through your dress. You couldn’t concentrate on anything and you felt Azriel stiffen behind you.

You went back into Azriel’s mind. “Everyone is good. Nobody’s plotting anything.” You said. Azriel gave a slight nod.

“Kier, you may go. I’m done with you for today.” Azriel said, dismissing him from the throne room. The hall bustled with activity as other members of the Hewn City moved around. You felt Azriel’s lips on your ear before he began to speak, his fingers once again teasing you through your dress.

“Y/n, I can barely concentrate on everyone’s words. Your scent is overpowering and it’s getting difficult to fight my own instincts. I should fly you back to the House of Wind.” He stated in a husky voice.

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll stay with you. Don’t fight it, Azriel.” You said.

“I won’t be able to control myself, Y/n.” He replied. The butterflies in your stomach fluttered as Azriel said that. You already had your answer though. In response to him, you moved one of your hands on top of Azriel’s, the one playing with the neckline of your dress. You closed your fingers over his hand and gently moved it to your heart, which was beating furiously in your chest.

You felt the world darken around you as shadows enclosed yours and Azriel’s bodies. The world spun for a few seconds, but it mercifully stopped as you arrived in the House of Wind. Azriel’s winnowing sometimes made you dizzy.

You were so close to Azriel that your chests were almost touching. Your gaze moved from his eyes to his lips and you could palpably feel the room go warmer. Instinctively, you knew that Azriel’s own eyes had moved down to your lips too. It would be so easy to lean forward an inch and press your mouth against his.

You closed your eyes as the tension between you two simmered and waited for the searing kiss Azriel would place on your lips. But you were left with a gust of brisk, cool air instead. You opened your eyes, but only to see that Azriel had turned away from you and started waking. You felt the anger rise up in you as you took a step after him and grabbed his shoulder.

“You do not get to pull that stunt down there and then ignore me, Azriel.” You huffed. He didn’t even turn around.

“Was it true? Am I just some eye candy that you brought along? Do you not even care about how that made me feel?” You questioned. You saw Azriel bristle, and a part of you was satisfied that he responded.

“Of course you mean something to me, Y/n. That’s why we can’t.” He whispered.

You stepped in front of Azriel and placed your hands on your hips.

“I don’t see how refraining from kissing me shows that you care about me.” You pointed out. Azriel looked away from you, towards the floor.

“I-I’m not a good guy, Y/n. You deserve someone who’s better than I am. Someone who is just a perfect and beautiful as you are.” He said. In the corner of your eyes, you saw Azriel tuck his hands into his pockets.

You quickly reached your hands into his pockets and curled your fingers around his hand. Then, you brought out his hands.

“You know that being perfect doesn’t matter to me. Your scars are beautiful, Azriel. If you don’t believe me about that, then at least believe that they give you character.” You replied.

Azriel looked unsure, so you brought his hands to you face and gently set your lips on his palms, tracing the scar tissue with kisses.

“I think you’re handsome and beautiful and perfect— scars and all.” You whispered.

[amphtaminedreams]

The Women of Euphoria and Personal Style: Lookbook no.8

Hi to anyone reading,

I hope you’re well considering everything going on! It feels weird to want to talk about fashion or TV shows or red carpets or whatever when 90% of my Google searches are COVID-19 related but there you go. It’s all about trying to power through as normal (minus the social interaction) and pretend the world isn’t ending, right? Queue nervous laughter.

And as if things aren't shitty enough, production of season 2 of Euphoria has been postponed until further notice. 

Okay, in the grand scheme of things, having to wait a bit longer for a TV show isn’t catastrophic but it does just about sum up the transition from 2019 to 2020 thus far that after HBO redeemed itself by broadcasting Euphoria in the summer following an ending to Game of Thrones that has made the whole series unrewatchable, the glimmer of hope in me reignited by the prospect of series 2 this year has been quickly dashed. 2021, I’m rooting for you, because it doesn’t seem like things are getting better any time soon, and in all seriousness, I think everyone needs a break from the collective suffering of the last few months.

For me (and undoubtedly for many others if the hundreds of makeup looks and styling videos are anything to go by), Euphoria’s effect on the world of fashion and beauty is unprecedented. I really can’t recall a TV show in living memory that has had as much of an impact on the way young people dress. I mean, this might partially be because the style of the characters already kind of caters to and draws from the target audience but also, aside from Blair Waldorf did anybody really give THAT much of a fuck about what anybody in Gossip Girl wore?

The draw of the styling on Euphoria is that it has something for everyone. The style of each of the main girls, Rue, Kat, Maddy, Jules and Cassie, all of whom I’ve attempted (emphasis on attempted!) to base (emphasis on base!) outfits around, is varied and distinctive but still so current and realistic at the same time. It’s also consistent; even if you don’t own the specific pieces worn by any of them, similar shapes and details reoccur enough in different looks throughout the series that it’s not hard to create an outfit which matches your favourite character’s overall vibe without buying anything new. That’s kinda what I have attempted to do here and without further ado, I’m gonna get on with it! First up:

Jules (Played by Hunter Schafer)

When it comes to whose style is the most experimental, Jules is the obvious answer. A lot of her outfits are what I imagine a cartoonist in the near-distant future will envision their cool girl protagonist wearing. Whilst her ensembles are generally whimsical and girly for the most part, there’s usually a few slightly punk-ish finishing touches thrown in there too be it through chunky shoes or bold makeup or that incredible mesh trench coat she wears in the series finale with the trans symbol on the back which, honestly, deserves a moment of silence. 

There are definitely nods to current fashion trends sprinkled throughout her wardrobe too. I'm not going to lie, despite someone at work seemingly thinking it was an insult to tell me I look like someone who does (I still don’t know but this person has a Rick and Morty keyring so I don’t give it too much weight), I’ve never watched any anime. BUT, that being said, given the abundance of anime screenshots posted by all these aesthetic oriented Instagram and Tumblr moodboard accounts, I have a vague idea of what some of the more iconic characters look like and a lot of Jules’ looks seem to be very much modelled after or at least inspired by them. In a way, I see a lot of her looks as a blend between modern “e-girl”, Y2K skater chick (yes, I’m thinking early Avril Lavigne), and 2013 Tumblr “hipster” a la 2014 Joanna Kutcha and Charlie Barker, and though on paper that sounds like a nightmare combination, it works. I know-if that sentence were a Depop description I would’ve just gained 30 followers.

When it comes to my own interpretation of Jules’ style, it’s definitely something I like to channel when I’m putting together a proper OUTFIT outfit. Meaning an outfit I actually put effort into and thus will most likely want to get a good photo in, lol. The way her character dresses is almost quite Christopher Kane in that it’s fresh and unusual but still understated enough that I wouldn’t walk into a room wearing any of these feeling like I’m doing a Rick Owens runway.

I’m not TOO far out of my comfort zone but still at the same time, I’d be trying something new and maybe a little bit more zany than I'm used to. As for noting where any of these pieces are from, only a few have been bought in the last 6 months, but from left to right clockwise I have marked out those that have in case they’re still available (though be wary of the fact that it seems a lot of online clothes stores are still forcing warehouse employees to work in close confines at the moment and so perhaps aren’t operating the most ethically):

LOOK 1

Corset-Jaded London

Shoes-TK Maxx

LOOK 2

Dress-Motel Rocks

Boots-Koi Vegan Footwear

LOOK 3

Dress-Jaded London

LOOK 4

Dress-Jaded London

Beret-Ebay

LOOK 5

Beret-Ebay

LOOK 6

Mesh Top-Depop

Hair Clips-Urban Outfitters

Kat (Played by Barbie Ferreira) 

Eurgh, Kat. 

I LOVE THIS BITCH.

If I had to choose my favourite character in the show, it would be a very close toss-up between her and Rue, and though I think Rue might just about nab the top spot for her relatability factor, Kat is the girl I want to be or wish that I had been when I was at school. I mean, there’s definitely an argument to be made in that a lot of what she’s doing with her cam work could be seen as a means of validation (Sam Levinson has basically said everyone on the show has some kind of an unhealthy coping mechanism and I would guess due to the circumstances in which her cam girl career was borne and the fact she’s underage, this would be hers) but I do think in other ways we really see Kat reclaim her power and recognise herself for the smart, capable, gorgeous woman that she is. Honestly, the definition of divine feminine energy, and I would completely let Barbie Ferreira/basically Kat if she was also actually 23 dominate me.

Plus! Her! Style! Is! The! Bomb! Definitely the easiest character to base looks around because if I’m totally honest Kat’s energy is pretty much just what I want to emulate in every day life. 

It’s either pieces that are typically feminine, cutesy, and even slightly preppy at times drenched in everything grunge OR vice versa where you have something semi-gothic and then add a colourful, more playful touch in there that harks back to the beginning of the series before Kat had began to explore her identity and sexuality and dressed slightly more Forever 21.

I’d say, not yet with my whole chest, that on a good day the outfits I put together when making an effort aren’t too far off something Kat would wear, minus the more overtly BDSM touches; if wearing a ring choker in London is enough to get me a creepy comment from a gross middle aged shopkeeper (because I apparently forfeited my right not to be perved on when I decided to buy a bottle of Oasis summer fruits), then you can only imagine the kind of looks wearing a full-on harness would get in my conservative OAP dominated hometown. Not the most doable right now, especially considering the only time I get out is to work and to go for a run. The chafing I could deal with but the horrified glares of pensioners whose M&S prawn mayo sandwiches I’ve ruined by simply being in their eyesight not so much.

LOOK 1-

Corset-Urban Outfitters

LOOK 2-

Bodysuit-Depop

Skirt-Zara

Harness-Ebay

LOOK 3-

Co-ord-Depop

Lace-up Corset-Missguided

LOOK 4-

Dress-Vintage

LOOK 5-

Belt-Ebay

LOOK 6-

Coat-Topshop

Dress-Jaded London

LOOK 7-

Fishnet Top-Ebay

Skirt-Urban Outfitters

Maddy (Played by Alexa Demie)

Not gonna lie, I was kind of scared to do Maddy. I’m scared to be posting this, lol! Alexa Demie has played this character for a single season and she’s already one of the most iconic women to grace our screens in years. This is a huge undertaking and I don’t have the bank balance or the body confidence (lmao) to raid IAmGia. 

And this is where I want to stress: THESE ARE NOT OUTFIT RECREATIONS. THESE ARE INSPIRED BY. I HAVE ADDED ELEMENTS OF MY OWN STYLE INTO THEM. PLEASE DON’T DRAG ME. I KNOW, I’M NOT ALEXA DEMIE. I WOULD NEVER ASSUME TO BE ALEXA DEMIE. I’M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN LIKE THAT. So now we’ve got that out the way (wipes bead of sweat off forehead), let’s continue. 

Everything about Maddy Perez is extra. She has very much been established as a centre of attention character, and her outfits are a key part of that. They’re daring, they’re hyper-feminine, and they are always glamorous. We’re told that she competed in beauty pageants when she was younger and it’s clear that level of excess and coordination and glitz and all-round-boujeeness wormed its way into her DNA during that time. Even the “depression” outfit she wears to school following Nate becoming violent at the fair is costume-like, a 2019 Bratz doll Off-White street style collaboration.

Do you know how HARD I had to try to be HOT!? For these photos. Alexa Demie is one of those blessed women who doesn’t have to try at all, and that translates into the character completely. At any given moment, Maddy could add or remove one item or clothing and be let straight into the VIP section of a club, and that, honestly, is inspiring to us all in these dark times. 

One thing I tried to keep in mind is that she always looks polished and coordinated, I.E the kind of look I would prepare for a night out is something Maddy would wear on an average day. Co-ords and delicate prints seem to be more subtle wardrobe staples along with mesh and PVC and glitter and feathers and fur and basically anything that toes the line between expensive looking and tacky. Yes, I am aware we may toe different sides of that line but please let me stay delusional and believe that’s not the case for 5 minutes. Much appreciated xoxo

LOOK 1-

Bodysuit-Jaded London

LOOK 2-

Bralette-Depop

LOOK 3-

Co-ord Suit-Boohoo

Bodysuit-Boohoo

LOOK 4-

Dress-Motel Rocks

Shoes-Schuh

LOOK 5-

Bodysuit-Zaful

Trousers-Depop

Coat-Topshop

LOOK 6-

Dress-Zaful

Belt-Zaful

LOOK 7-

Top-Jaded London

Hair Clips-H&M

Rue (Played by Zendaya Coleman)

I have a complicated relationship with Rue as a character. When I started season 1 of Euphoria, I was like “Oh my god, this girl is the worst. Jesus, she’s so negative and draining and willingly self-destructive and-”

Then, oh my god is this what it’s like to live with me!?

I will say, to my own credit, that I don’t think I've ever been quite as hard to deal with as Rue (a lot less smashing stuff up and a lot more moping), and to HER credit, by the end of the season we come to realise she’s been through a fucking lot and so it makes sense, but wow. I don’t think I have ever seen a teen show handle drug abuse and mental illness in such a brutal way. It’s quite a talent to be able to show a character cause so much pain to those closest to them and yet do so through a sympathetic lens. And issues aside, whether it’s her occasional social awkwardness or her relationship with her family or watching bloody Love Island (still quite surreal to see Zendaya Coleman witnessing the Amy/Curtis drama unfold), Rue is just my favourite character to follow. 

Her style, though. AH. The thing is, I can hardly drag it, because it’s pretty much what I wear when I’m moping about the house-or just any time I can get away with it to be honest-to a T. I want to stay true to character, but that being said, creating a “Seth Rogen”-esque outfit that’s worth posting on here is difficult. So, with the same kind of artistic license that had me wearing berets whilst cosplaying Maddy Perez, here is the best I could do:

I know, I know, it’s probably too much colour and jewellery for Rue but this is as toned down as I could do and I tried to stick with the key silhouettes we see from her throughout the season; I mean, I can’t see her wearing leopard print but the structure of the coat in outfit 1 is very similar to the one seen in Shook Ones pt.II. I think the bottom line when it comes to her character is keeping things effortless and not overly-feminine; you want to mix street style, athleisure and your dad’s wardrobe favourites like your life depends on it. Plus messy hair and smudged makeup, both of which I’ve already got down according to the completely inappropriate number of customers who’ve asked if I'm tired at work so thanks for that guys, and glitter tears. Lots and lots of glitter tears.

OUTFIT 1-

Dungarees-Vintage

OUTFIT 2-

Trousers-Depop

Cardigan-Urban Outfitters

OUTFIT 5-

Beanie-Depop

OUTFIT 6-

Shirt-Boohoo Man

Sports Bra-TK Maxx

Trousers-Urban Outfitters

OUTFIT 7-

Shirt-Jaded London

Cassie (Played by Sydney Sweeney)

Style-wise, Cassie is a hard one. When putting outfits for her character together, I found myself gravitating towards a direction that’s probably a bit too bohemian for her character, under the guidance of loose terms like “girl-next-door”, “floaty”, “delicate”, you get the idea. She definitely feels the least fully-realised in terms of all the main girls and I think it’s fair to say she’s probably got a bit of self-discovery to do. Most of her storylines in the season are dictated by her relationships to other people: McKay, Maddy, Lexie, her parents and so on. 

Nevertheless, I tried to stick to the airier, more traditionally “pretty” pieces whilst still channelling the confidence and ease with which Cassie pulls them off. Sydney Sweeney has the most incredible figure and I feel like whilst the clothes the on-set stylists put her in flatter that and don’t hide anything, they’re still the focus. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything more inherently sexual about her character than any of the other main female characters despite the way the men within the narrative view her, and I think it’s a testament to the the wardrobe department that to me she still gives off big modern Disney princess energy and a certain innocence even whilst we hear her being continuously sexualised by her male peers. 

If anything, Cassie probably dresses the most like an actual teenage girl, and her style, whilst less distinctive than the other girls, still does a good job of capturing the youth and romanticism of her character. 

The colour palette of her wardrobe tends to be quite neutral, with a couple of pastels thrown in there, and if there are any details, they’re usually quite dainty. Similarly, Cassie is probably the least experimental when it comes to her makeup; we don’t really see her wearing the bold eyeshadows or liners or gems like the other girls at any point.

OUTFIT 1-

Bodysuit-Motel Rocks

Hair Clips-Bershka

OUTFIT 2-

Dress-Jaded London

OUTFIT 3-

Trousers-Urban Outfitters

OUTFIT 4-

Top-Urban Outfitters

Hairband-H&M

`OUTFIT 5-

Top-Urban Outfitters

Jeans-Zaful

Headband-Primark

OUTFIT 6-

Top-Urban Outfitters

OUTFIT 7-

Dress-Urban Outfitters

Hair Clips-Boohoo

SO, I guess that’s it for my Euphoria lookbook! As always, let me know what you think (nicely pls, my ego is fragile lol) and I’d love to hear your opinions on the show too! I really haven’t got this excited over a new TV show in ages and I just think that it does everything so excellently-from the writing to the cinematography to the soundtrack, you can tell each element is so carefully and purposefully constructed. It immerses you into the dramatic highs and lows of being a teenager in a way I haven’t seen since UK Skins and I never thought I’d watch a show which held a candle to that. 

In terms of what I’m doing next, I’ve got a very delayed fashion week masterpost in the works as well as something to fill the Met Gala shaped hole in our lives, which I hope to get up over the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, if you read to the end, THANK YOU! And I hope you’re staying safe and AT HOME where possible. I know this self-isolation feels never-ending and if I’m honest, it is having a hugely negative effect on my mental health, but NHS staff are doing their very best with the shitty recourses they have and whilst it seems that our government have thrown workers under the bus once again, we can all do our bit to combat that by slowing the spread of the virus. Also thank you to anybody who’s out working now in such a scary and uncertain time! I work at a grocery store and can say from experience that the best way to show this thanks is just through kindness and following employee’s instructions without giving them grief for it. Everyone’s scared right now and the best we can do is pull together and look out for each other, as difficult as that might seem at times.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, and like I said, stay safe! Thanks once again if you read til the end or even if you’re just here for the photos. Appreciate it more than you know either way!

Lauren x

[dennou-translations]

Violet Evergaden: Chapter 11

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The Auto-Memories Dolls’ holiday was ending peacefully.

How to spend the end of summer was mostly commonplace – watching the trees outside by the windowsill during the morning, taking strolls with an umbrella around the neighborhood at noon, reading books under the shade of trees at evening, and preparing for the next journey at night. When no one was looking, she would dismantle and reconstruct guns, as well as throw knives at leaves falling from trees in order not to let her arms become lax. But essentially, she was enveloped in serenity. That was the result of her adoptive mother’s influence in treating her like a child.

There were not many who would purposefully attempt to break her silence in the first place. After all, she was someone who instilled the feeling of nervousness in others. She had a reticent and cold beauty. She could cause time and the people in her surroundings to naturally stop.

“Violet. You... are coming with me.”

She was not someone suitable to invite to play.

The Flying Letters and the Auto-Memories Doll (Part 1)

Located in a narrow street away from the main avenue of Leidenschaftlich’s capitol city, Leiden, a lone building protruded, reigning amongst several small shops lined up together. The CH Postal Service was a fairly new company that had just entered the mail industry. A spire with a light green dome-shaped roof and a weather-bird on top could be considered the mark of said postal company. Surrounding the spire was a dark green roof, and the outer walls were made of red bricks that had been sunburned into a tasteful hue. On the arch-shaped entryway, where the agency’s name was printed onto a steel plate in golden letters, there was a bell that produced a merry sound whenever the doors were opened, so as to announce the arrival of customers. Inside the building, a counter could be seen right upon entry, which was specifically the reception desk of delivery items.

There were three floors; the first one was the postal reception, the second was the office and the spire of the third floor was the president’s residence. Currently, on the second floor, the employees of the office were challenging themselves while working desperately.

There was a date called the “closing day” in the company. During it, all transactions, reports related to them, invoices, proofs of payment and everything else involving the operation of the company were neatly cleared up for the month. For the clerks, it was a day of painful battling, as the closing work was added to their regular work.

“You said we’d go together, and that you’d take me there...” Amidst the scene of arduous fighting stood a young woman, directing a reproachful and depressed gaze at Hodgins. She tightly held onto the hem of her clothes and bit her lip as if to assert, “I am pissed”.

She was a beautiful woman with long dark hair and full of mature appeal. She wore an open bustier, which displayed her rich chest without any reserve whatsoever and was connected to her shoulder-to-elbow charcoal gray inner garment. She also had on a beads choker, a pendant, bangles, hand chain bracelets and rings made of precious metals. Her leather hot-pants were dyed blue and had golden embelishments. Her embroidery thread garter belt consisted of geometrical patterns and decorated only the bare skin from the middle of her tights to her knee-high boots. She was a person whose everything, from her outfit to her glossy beauty, was poison to the eyes. However...

“No way, no way! If you’re not taking me, I don’t want to go.”

...her actions were that of a child. She was stomping her feet.

“No, I mean, even if you say that, Cattleya...” Claudia Hodgins, the president of the CH Postal Service, smiled stiffly at her posture. “Look at this mountain of paperwork. It feels like it’s gonna hit me.”

On Hodgins’s desk lay a pile of forms bearing a menace that really did seem as if they were about to deal him a blow. He was applying stamps to them while speaking. His examination and approval were definite requirements for the various documents made by clerks. Perhaps because he blindly trusted the clerks, or because he lacked the will to read, he was simply pushing the papers over without confirming their contents.

“President Hodgins, give the documentation to me once you are done with it. Please take a look at these too.”

The conversation was interrupted. A stack of paperwork was added to the pile.

“Ah, sorry, Little Lux. Did you confirm them all?”

The one who had come in-between Cattleya and Hodgins was a girl with an innocent face. She had lavender-gray hair trimmed slickly above her shoulders. Although she wore glasses, upon a closer look, one would be able to see that the color of her eyes was different on each side. It was a conservative stereotype, but the scarf around her neck and gold berretta attached to the side of her head were subtle traits of a professional lady.

“I did. The ones that were revised are tagged. Please check them.”

Lux Sibyl, the girl who used to be worshipped as a demigod by a religious group in an isolated island, was now working uprightly at the CH Postal Service.

“Thank you. My secretary is the best. Even as an understatement, I love you.”

Lux replied with a hopeless expression to the lady-killer wink shot at her, “Enough of flattery, just please get your... get your arm moving. If only I had stopped you that time... Going on a trip with a stage actress, of all things... It was so obvious that you’d soon break up anyways... That time... if only I...”

“How cruel. You just hurt my heartbroken self even more, Little Lux...”

“If only I had made you do your work even if I had to tie you down, this wouldn’t have...”

Since his secretary was acting as though she had become involved in some incident and was inconsolable, Hodgins regained his seriousness. “I’m sorry. I’ll buy a stamping machine.”

Lux then spoke to Cattleya as if imploring, “And Cattleya. Please... don’t try to do anything to stop President Hodgins. Everyone’s clocking-out depends on President Hodgins’s progress. I want to leave as soon as possible today...”

The clerks that were silently doing their jobs nodded in unison at Lux’s words. For them, the time they would be set free from the office on that day was an extreme matter of life and death. Cattleya had been pretending not to notice it, but a concentrated pressure from withering occasional stares and voice tones pierced her back with an unsaid “those who intend to meddle should leave”.

“What’s with that...? Getting so stuck-up just because you’re the secretary. President’s secretary... how unfair. I wanna be a secretary too.”

“Cattleya, you’re an Auto-Memories Doll, right? Isn’t that better? ‘Getting stuck-up’, you say... I was just stating that though you may be on your day off, we are in the middle of work.”

Despite having a young appearance, on the inside, Lux had grown into a completely capable secretary. After having fled from the religious organization, she did her best to repay Hodgins and the company that had taken her in.

“President, leave the snacks for when you’re done with the documents.”

Hodgins’s hand, which had been attempting to take something from his desk’s drawer, retracted.

“What’s with that? What’s with that? What’s with that?! Days off aren’t defined for Auto-Memories Dolls, so there’s no helping it, right?”

Cattleya was willing to continue the quarrel, but before she realized it, Lux was answering the phone. The look in the latter’s eyes said “sorry about that”.

“I get it.”

It was obvious at first glance that everyone in the company was busy. She was also aware that she was disturbing them.

Nevertheless, not aiming to give up, the Auto-Memories Doll Cattleya showed a printed pamphlet to Hodgins, who had turned into the aforementioned stamping machine. “But it’s only once a year... that we can take part in the ‘Flying Letters’. I... I already wrote a letter, and I didn’t invite anyone else because President had said he would be taking me. I don’t want to go by myself. Attending a festival alone... isn’t that like a punishment?”

The words “Seventh Aeronautical Exhibition” were written in the pamphlet. Said exhibition would be held in the maneuvering area of the Leidenschaftlich army’s Air Force. It seemed to consist of aerial maneuver demonstrations and public displays of the army and the navy’s planes, as well as private ones gathered by volunteers. The “Flying Letters” that Cattleya had talked about was one of the programs. So-called “letters of encouragement to whomever picks them”, collected from civilians, would be scattered from the sky by elite pilots chosen from the army and navy. It was a romantic event, in which the participants were stimulated to send inspirational messages to the strangers that would pick their letters, as well as to themselves. It was the only festival on the continent in which letters fell from the sky. As the description stated that the sixth exhibition had happened several years before, it seemed the festival had been canceled for some time due to intensified wars.

She brought the pamphlet closer as if to make Hodgins kiss it, causing him to sneeze.

“See, I want to go too, Cattleya. But I had forgotten that today was the closing day...”

Cattleya’s eyebrows withdrew. Her amethyst orbs swerved with sadness. Her attitude was similar to a dog cub crying dejectedly.

A feeling of guilt grew within Hodgins. “Don’t make such a face, my cute lady. The festival involved in the exhibition will go on until nighttime, so I can join on the way. I mean, I also want to let my employees clock out early and go to the festival. But we won’t make it in time for the Flying Letters... I think. Well, I don’t know, but yeah, most likely.”

“I will... be alone until then?”

“Benedict... is... in the middle of deliveries, after all.”

“Never mind him. Why are you mentioning his name?” Her face going red, Cattleya attempted to overturn Hodgins’s desk. It was a strength that could never be imagined to come from those slender arms.

Hodgins hastily held back the desk. “Calm down, Cattleya. I get it. The only other available person close to your age is... Little Lux. Show me the business schedule of the employees.”

Although she was in the middle of a phone call, Lux handed Hodgins a notebook while talking cheerfully. The operational plans of the employees were registered in it.

Hodgins grinned. It was because he had found someone who seemed to be in a convenient condition. “Aah, Little Violet is off-duty.”

“Eh?” A slight rejection could be noted in Cattleya’s voice.

The mansion was located beyond a path of trees. Ruling among flowerbeds of extravagant colors with plants of several varieties in a luxurious and carefully tended lawn, as well as a farm growing seasonal vegetables, was the Evergarden residence, of which Patrick Evergarden was the current head. It was closer to being a castle than a manor. It had chalky white walls and an ultramarine roof. Its architecture was elegant and well-balanced, wholly symmetrical on both sides, from the spires to the windows.

As a gardener sighted Cattleya’s figure while she passed by, he shouted, “Miss Cattleya Baudelaire, right?”

Due to Hodgins having talked to them in advance, the gardener had accompanied her from the gates to the mansion, and once she arrived at the porch, a butler welcomed her.

“She will be here soon.”

As she waited with nothing to do in an anteroom, before long, Violet Evergarden appeared, just as the butler had said. “Cattleya...?”

It was not only because the massively thick red carpet tended to erase footsteps. Violet had showed herself without making a sound, dressed differently from her usual Auto-Memories Doll outfit. Her hair was loosely tied to one side and a flower ornament dangled next to her face. The word “lovely” was perfect to describe her neat, white one-piece with blue flower patterns. The small flowers were not simply dispersed, but had been designed to fall the way down from the top of her shoulders and middle of her chest. As Leidenschaftlich’s climate was still warm even though summer was ending, it seemed that one would be fine with just a dress, yet she wore a dark blue cardigan as well. It was probably meant to hide her artificial arms. The same old brooch stood on her chest.

“Heh, so you normally dress like this. It’s kinda like a... young mistress? Pretty cute. How nice.”

Violet replied, “It is my foster mother’s taste. More importantly, did something happen?” Her blue eyes seemed to say, “What is the matter that caused you to come all the way to my house? Answer quickly.”

“Yeah, kinda...”

Cattleya recalled her conversation with Hodgins. The hand that had been applying stamps had stopped for once, and he had told her how to coax Violet, who was someone shrouded in mystery, “Listen, if you’re going to persuade Little Violet... you gotta say that... it’s a mission given to her by me.”

He had seemed confident. Indeed, Violet gave off an impression of obedience and chastity whenever she spoke to Hodgins. However, it was in a different manner than how she probably treated other people.

——Honestly, this girl is so strange.

Cattleya knew she was a former soldier. She had belonged to Leidenschaftlich’s army along with Hodgins, the man Cattleya loved dearly. Amongst the members that Hodgins, who was already an odd one himself, had gathered to work at CH Postal Service, it was not so unlikely to have someone with a past of being an ex-militant in her personal history.

However, even without taking her history into consideration, Violet was a shady one.

She never showed a smile. Her speech was polite, yet she never once flattered anybody. With that, she put a distance between herself and others, but did not show any signs of despising loneliness, and was almost as a beautiful, heartless entity made of ice. Such was how Cattleya saw her.

“You... know... this... is something that had already been decided.”

That was why she was anxious as to whether those magical words would have effect. Would Violet listen to the order of anyone other than Hodgins? Even if she did listen, would they have a fun time?

——Still, that’d be better than going to the festival alone.

Reassuring her purpose, Cattleya opened her mouth, “Violet. You... are coming with me. It’s a mission that President Hodgins gave you. Until the President joins me, accompany me to the Aeronautical Exhibition.”

After she spoke authoritatively, a few seconds of silence ensued.

The straight-laced, taciturn, unsociable-looking and beautiful ice girl blinked many times, her long lashes going up and down, before inquiring with a face that seemed to express a question mark, “A... mission?”

“Yes, a mission.”

“Is it... really a mission?”

Cattleya averted her gaze from the reflection of her own flustered figure in Violet’s limpid blue orbs. “I-If... you think it’s a lie, you can ask President about it.”

“No. Today is the closing day and he must be busy, so I will refrain from making phone calls. I understand. If it is a mission requested by the President, I will accept it.” Along with being concerned about the closing day, unlike Cattleya, she had the consideration of an adult for her workplace.

As she received consent, Cattleya soon became nervous. She had a feeling that she was talking to a machine, a fairy, or perhaps a ghost – some sort of indefinite existence that she could not reach a mutual understanding with.

“Hey, will you really go with me?”

“Yes.”

“Really, really?”

“Really, really.”

“You... sort of don’t feel like you’re alive, but you are, right?”

“I am.”

“I’m just asking this as a matter of course, but the President is very attached to you, so, are you lovers?”

“That is not it.”

“What do you think of Benedict?”

“Benedict? He has high-rank combat abilities, and also surprisingly has leadership skills.”

They were quite rude questions, yet Violet answered them seriously without showing signs of minding it.

Cattleya immediately became lively with the various replies. She let the joy take over her and started jumping on the spot. “I’m satisfied that our interests are consistent. Since it’s settled, go get ready! Tell the people of the house that you’re going out. Also, Violet, get writing paper, envelopes and a fountain pen too. We’ll participate in the Flying Letters, after all.”

“‘Flying Letters’... If I am correct, that was one of the aerial display custom programs presented to the public by the army and navy, right?”

As expected of a former soldier, she was knowledgeable.

Cattleya asked if she had ever participated, and Violet mutely shook her head. “I have never watched it, but I have been told about it as a piece of information...”

Just who had been the one to tell her? Violet did not reveal it.

“Cattleya, is there nothing else necessary other than the writing paper and etcetera? Do I have permission from President Hodgins to carry arms?”

“There’s no need for weapons. What’s with you? That’s scary.”

“You said it was a mission, so...”

Violet did not understand the limits of things, and Cattleya was sometimes perplexed by her, but thankfully, the two of them were able to go outside together.

  The maneuvering area of Leidenschaftlich’s army’s Air Force was located far away from the capitol city, Leiden. The directions to it were not too difficult. The easiest way to get from the capitol to it was either through riding shared carriages or trucks. When getting off at the stop, a forested area surrounded by trees would be on sight. It was a place so full of greenery that it would cause people who were accustomed to cities to become worried for a second as to where they had ended up at, but there was nothing to fear. Crossing a paved forest road while relying on signboards, they would shortly arrive at the maneuvering area, their destination.

The entry of ordinary citizens was normally prohibited, but there were no restrictions during the Aeronautical Exhibition. Authorized eating and drinking businesses established their shops around the exercise grounds and formed lined stalls. The military facility changed completely and turned into a place of festivities.

Men and women of all ages assembled at the venue. They were families of people involved in the army and navy personnel, general participants, avid airplane lovers who had come from distant places yearning to see the aerial displays, and many others. There were mostly males in the male-female ratio. Young girls like Violet and Cattleya could be considered minorities.

“Amazing, it’s so big. They normally practice here too... Look! Fighters? Are those fighters?” Cattleya did not hide her surprise at the warplanes being exhibited.

“That’s a reconnaissance plane, the Ptarmigan.” Meanwhile, Violet gave the exact name of the units. “Both the army and the navy each have Air Forces, but from the names of the planes, one can tell right away which of the two they belong to. The army names theirs after birds. It seems the navy names theirs after sea animals.”

The mysterious, beautiful women eagerly discussing about warplanes appeared peculiar to some extent.

Since the maneuver area usually functioned as a full-fledged military facility, there were many barred zones. Taking the space of the venue as a rectangular box, the exhibition of the military aircrafts was happening in the outskirts of its center. Surrounding it was a hangar, a stand-by lot for the army’s vehicles, a general resting spot for civilians, the actual headquarters of the Aeronautical Exhibition and a control tower built on its rooftop, hidden by a tent. Its inside could not be seen at all. A fence was laid around the headquarters and the control tower at a wide distance from both, and whoever was not part of the personnel was completely forbidden of entry.

One of the Aeronautical Exhibition’s highlights, which was a live coverage by the army’s publicity, was taking place at the headquarters.

“Please look at the front of the venue. Six fighters, the Sea Snakes, are raiding in. They are changing from a one-row line to a diamond-shaped battle formation. Do pay attention to this well-coordinated flight.”

The navy fighters flew over the maneuver area and passed by while showing off splendid flight techniques. As they soared, white smoke was left behind in the blue sky as a proof of their passage.

“The first pilot is Jude Bradburn from Leidenschaftlich’s Leiden. The second pilot is Henry Gardner from Bregand!”

All attendees looked up at the sky and cheered. An orchestra played music along with the heated commentaries, further enhancing the atmosphere in the place.

Cattleya opened the pamphlet that she had acquired in advance and confirmed the show time of the aircrafts currently on demonstration. Things seemed to be progressing according to the prescribed schedule. The Flying Letters were due afterwards.

She grabbed Violet, whose eyes had been stolen by the aerial maneuvers of the fighter planes, by the arm. “Hey, looks like the collecting of the Flying Letters will take a while, so let’s buy something at the stalls and watch it while eating. It seems the flight exercises will go on non-stop. Violet, is there anything you wanna eat?”

“So we are ensuring our meals? If that is the case, is it not better to go for something fitting to be conserved rather than prioritize its taste?”

Without looking at Cattleya, Violet was moving her neck to follow the units in flight. Cattleya stirred a finger close to her. As Violet turned her head, her cheek was spontaneously stabbed by said finger. It felt flaccid.

“Violet, look at me.”

Although the arm Cattleya had grasped was rigid, the cheek was soft.

——She’s enigmatic, and a bit creepy.

However, Cattleya was somewhat relieved. It was because she had come to know that girl also had soft parts.

“Please stop.”

She became happy to earn a reaction from Violet, even though it was resistance. “Don’t wanna. That’s punishment for not looking my way. Hey, I feel you’re misunderstanding it; even though this is a mission, it’s also for fun. We don’t need conserved food.”

“‘Fun’...?”

“Don’t you... sometimes seem to have fun with Lux? Like, drinking tea and all.”

“Aah, yes. We have tea together.”

“That’s it. You’re gonna do that with me. We’re gonna eat, chat, and take part in the festival. It seems everyone from the company will be done with work in a bit, so we’ll join them afterwards.”

“This is... a mission, is it not?”

“It’s a mission. A great mission. A super great mission.” Cattleya forcefully had Violet, who was making emphases and seeking confirmation, walk in the direction of the stalls.

“I would like tangible content details on exactly what sort of mission ‘having fun’ is.”

“You’re talking kinda difficult; you aren’t used to having fun, right? That’s fine, this big sis will teach it to you.”

Violet stared at their joined hands as if it were something odd. Even so, she did not shake and disentangle hers, simply following behind Cattleya like an infant bird.

The duo visited the food stalls from one end to another of the fair, buying enough to be almost unable to carry everything in their arms and sharing it with each other. They softly narrowed their eyes upon observing children run after the flying fighters, harshly waved off men who carefreely called out to them due to being two unaccompanied women, and appreciated the commentaries from the army’s press while applauding the several warplanes passing by. They also had personal experiences with playground equipment, such as merry-go-rounds and darts, at a so-called emigrational amusement park, blending with the children. Although Cattleya had primarily been on guard regarding Violet, whose personality she could not to understand, she was able to think of ways to enjoy herself with the latter due to her characteristic amicability and liveliness.

“Cattleya, please wait. Cattleya.”

“Hey, this is delicious. Really delicious. Okay, open your mouth.”

“I do not wish to eat.”

“It’s a mission, so open your mouth.”

“Are you not just thinking I will go along with anything if you say it is a mission?”

“Aaahn. Hey, it’s gonna fall. If it does, it will be your fault.”

She was surprisingly weak to pressure, and therefore, Cattleya probably thought she was cute as a girl younger than herself whom she was taking along on her stroll. Acting as an older sister, too, was something comfortable for Cattleya.

After playing around for a while, the two of them decided to take a break. Even though it was the ending of summer, exposure to sunlight for a long time outside would cause increased fatigue. They sat on a bench at the general resting place, which was covered by a large tent that blocked the Sun, so that the civilians could cool down. They were able to watch the flight drills from there.

“Still not done?”

“We do not know the precise destination of these letters. Moreover, they must be of encouragement. This calls the abilities of an Auto-Memories Doll into question.”

Violet was writing for the Flying Letters. The gathered messages would be handed over to the pilots and scattered by airplanes from above the venue. Propeller-type light planes that would serve as the letters’ deliverers had already begun collecting them. The people in charge became the center of attention, women and children swarming over them all at once. That was possibly because their fuselage of a strong yellow color shone strikingly against the blue sky.

With nothing to do as she had finished writing her letter, Cattleya decided to prod her nose into Violet’s. The other was gradually becoming better at writing mails.

Seeking responsiveness, Cattleya pouted. “Hey, nobody will know who wrote it, so you can just say whatever you like.”

“This is no good. I will redo it.” Violet tucked the letter that she had just written into an envelope. She took out a new writing paper, but looked unable to write a single character. “What did you write, Cattleya?”

As she was apparently being asked for instructions, Cattleya answered while puffing out her ample bosom even more, “‘You are lucky for picking up my letter! Something good will definitely happen to you. Even if it doesn’t, it’s not like you will die’.”

“Is this what you wrote?”

“Yeah.”

That seemed very much like Cattleya. However, it appeared not to work as advice for Violet.

“What~? Do you not write letters outside of work or something? Is it really that troubling?”

“I have long stopped writing personal letters. I only write at work.”

Although it only happened for an instant, Cattleya was taken by the slight change in Violet’s expression. She was already someone with a disposition for getting close to others, but diminished the distance between herself and Violet even more. “This topic looks interesting. Why is that? Tell me.”

Violet moved away. Cattleya came closer. Violet moved away again. In the end, the two of them wound up perfectly glued to each other at a corner of the bench.

“Why should I?”

“Because it seems appealing. Why did you stop writing? Should I try guessing? The addressee was a man, right? And also someone special. The kind of man you’d be interested in the most, save for a parent or sibling.”

“How did you know the gender?” Violet gazed directly at Cattleya for the first time.

“Your clients and mine are different. My customers are... mostly young women writing love letters. This is also the so-called ‘maidens in love’. It’s people who want to know what they should do to have a boy on the palm of their hand. Or guys who don’t understand women and want to know what they should do to make a girl look their way. I’m often asked for tips.”

“Is it not enough to simply poke her shoulder and call her name?”

“It’s not in that sense.” Cattleya flicked Violet’s forehead with her finger. “Hey, what kind of person is he? The one you like, I mean.”

“That... is not the... case.”

“So you hate him?”

“There... there is no way...”

Cattleya was unable to suppress a smile.

——What do I do? She’s so fun to tease.

Violet Evergarden – a secretive, straight-laced and expressionless taciturn. A woman made of iron, who never hesitated. She was crumbling at a single sentence from Cattleya.

“Then, isn’t there no option other than like? It’s not... the normal kind, right? That’s not what your face is saying. Don’t underestimate me. I make money out of including love consultations in my amanuensis job.”

Violet opened and closed her mouth, eyes darting to many directions, which showed she was at a loss.

——She’s like a doll that has just been given a heart. How weird.

Cattleya knew nothing of Violet’s past, and therefore merely treated her as what she was – a teenage girl.

“Hey. I said ‘hey’.”

She only wished to get along with her.

“Hey, what kind of person was he?”

She was alienated to the effects of her actions on Violet. She believed what lay inside the box that she was attempting to open was a gemstone.

“What do you call him?”

But what resided in Violet Evergarden’s heart...

“‘Major’.”

...could not be compared...

“‘Major’. Isn’t that cool? So he’s a soldier. You’re an ex-soldier, after all. How old is Major? What about his looks?”

...to a gemstone.

“I never asked. He was most likely about to become thirty years old.”

“No way. He’s much older than you. So the age difference between you two is... about the same as you and the President?”

Violet had not talked about that person for a long time.

“His hair was dark, but of a different shade than yours, Cattleya...”

She had described how he was as an individual before, but had never dug too deeply. Although he was someone that both she and Claudia Hodgins had in common, the two of them avoided touching the subject around one another.

Violet averted her eyes from the paper that she had not yet written anything on to the crowd. Soldiers wearing the purplish black uniform that she also used to were part of it. Even though the war was over, the skies had cleared and she no longer lived in the days when she did not know how to write a single word, that multitude and the clicking of military shoes brought her back to the time that she had spent in a city of lanterns.

Forever and ever, the person she pursued was only one.

“He had emerald green eyes...”

He was an extremely beautiful being.

“He took me in, raised and used me.”

The two of them were a tool and her master.

“But, he is not here anymore.”

Although she was his tool, she had failed to protect him.

“Gilbert is dead.” Hodgins’s words replayed in Violet’s head over and over, accompanied by a heaviness and agony similar to that of a curse.

“Did Major go somewhere far away?”

“Yes. He has gone far away. He has... not returned.”

“Are you still waiting?”

“Yes.”

At Cattleya’s questions, willingly or not, Violet wound up thinking…

“I am waiting.”

...about the answer to the words of that day, which she did not give, resisting it while claiming she did not understand them.

“I have been... repeatedly told to stop doing so. However, no matter what, I... I...”

“I love you.”

“I love you, Violet.”

“Are you... listening?”

“I... like you.”

“Violet, ‘love’... is...”

“‘To love’ is... to think that you want to protect someone the most in the world.”

“...find myself... waiting for Major to come.” Her face was of someone enduring pain.

That was the moment Violet showed her most humane expression out of the ones Cattleya had witnessed. A small transformation had occurred within that awkward girl. It was a quiet move, which people with abundant emotions would not consider a manifestation of feelings.

——Aah. A realization dawned within Cattleya.

They were not yet intimate. Not friends, either. It was not as if she knew anything about Violet, but she felt as though she had come to.

——He took most of the happy parts of her heart with him. Is that why she doesn’t have much emotion? Cattleya speculated.

“You... have a crush on someone who isn’t here anymore.”

Unlike what Cattleya had imagined, the bush that she had been pricking was actually the entryway to a deep forest.

“‘Crush’?”

The young woman wandering inside said forest was not even aware of how she had become lost in it – she had a blindfold on and did not know how to take it off, left alone to live through fumbling about. Cattleya thought of it as a pity. In reality, that was not a conversation they should be having at such a place.

“What is... a ‘crush’?”

The doll whose heart had been taken away – her colleague who was younger than herself – did not know what infatuation was.

“No, it’s love already.”

“‘Lo-ve’...?”

The maneuver area was more crammed than when they had arrived. The crowd was increasingly more frantic.

Cattleya pointed at the people walking by. Everyone was of differing genders and ages. Each led lives packed with hardships that could not be seen through naked eye.

“There are many types of it: fraternity, friendship, siblinghood, companionship. Yours is romantic love.”

Harmonious couples that served as examples of it were everywhere. The world overflowed with romance in a natural manner.

Yet Violet denied it. She shook her head, furrowing her brows and biting her lip. “I... cannot... fall in love.” she obstinately negated.

“You did, though.”

“No, I cannot. I do not understand it.”

As seen from the sides, they probably appeared to be having an argument. It was not a fight, yet neither of them backed a single step. One claimed it was love. The other claimed it was not. Both were running counter.

Though steeped in irritation, Cattleya still refused to give in. “Even I... can’t say for sure what something like that is. Love is uncertain, and I don’t get the romantic one very well. But I can tell when it happens. People in love would also be able to tell if they saw you. Your love is that type. Even if it’s towards a person you’re unable to see...”

Once the words “a person you’re unable to see” spilled from Cattleya’s mouth, Violet’s blue eyes quivered in sorrow. Hearing them from someone else weighed much more than saying them to herself. The expression she sometimes had on was one that would cause anybody to admonish her with a, “See, you’re making a face like that, so how come?”

“No, I cannot. I really... cannot... Major has...” still, Violet rebuffed it. Her long blond lashes were down. As Violet hung her head, her gaze went towards her own chest.

As always, her emerald green brooch lay there. It sparkled brilliantly, never fading.

“Major has...”

Even through springs of dazzling moonbows, summers of early rains, autumns of raging gold-leaf winds or winters of congealing frosty nights, just like the existence of the man named Gilbert Bougainvillea that resided within Violet, it would never fade.

“Major has passed away.” the words she whispered in that very instant were exceedingly cruel.

The clock needle between Cattleya and Violet stopped for once. That did not happen in actuality, but the two of them did not make a single movement, as if time had truly come to a halt. Their blinking and breathing was mowed by the world’s time axis for a second.

Once time finally started flowing again, Cattleya could only give a staggered reply, “E-Eh?” Her voice squeaked.

“He is dead. I was unable... to protect him... so Major... died. Even though I was his tool, shield and sword.”

Cold sweat slowly traveled down Cattleya’s back.

——Her heart was stolen... not by someone that’s just not around, but that is dead?

“That’s a joke, right?” Cattleya asked, but received no response from Violet. She failed an attempt to force a smile, which came out as a half-laugh. Her face twitched. At the indelicacy of the things that she had been saying until that point, her breath caught in her throat and she could not properly swallow her saliva. “Violet, did this person... die in the Great War?”

“Yes.”

“For real?”

“So I was told. This brooch... stayed with me as a relic.”

Ever since Cattleya had first met her, the object had been twinkling on her chest. She had witnessed Violet touching it every now and then with her artificial fingertips countless times. She had always wondered if it was some sort of protection charm.

There was a lot more that she had wanted to say in a rapid succession, yet her attitude was unwittingly precautious. Something buzzed within her.

“But, you... don’t... believe that... right?”

A thrill similar to an unpleasant presentiment crawled its way through Cattleya’s entire body. For Violet, the response to that question could be a taboo.

“Hey, answer seriously.”

As she remained silent, her profile, which Cattleya used to only see as dispassionate, was now reflected in the latter’s eyes as something solitary.

“I...”

The unpleasant disruption creeped through Cattleya’s entire being, and she wished so badly to spit it out that she could not stand it. “You... don’t believe it, right? You did say... that you were waiting for him.”

She wanted to know the answer.

“But, President Hodgins has—”

“It’s fine; tell me what you yourself think.”

“Yes...” like a criminal accepting a conviction, Violet confessed her sin, “I believe... that Major... is alive.”

Just for how long had she continuously thought about that? Perhaps she had been in such a state ever since being informed of his death. Even as she lamented in anguish, even as she attempted to destroy the hope that kept her attached to reality, she might still have denied it all, telling herself that he was alive.

“You... You...”

“What the hell are you doing?” was what Cattleya wanted to scream.

Romantically yearning for someone who was far away and blindly loving someone who was deceased were two different things. Just as with Violet and Cattleya, physical distance could be overcome with effort. However, the dead could never return.

“What you’re saying... is the same as getting your arms back!”

Simply spending her time unreasonably through doing something so fruitless, never allowing anyone else to love her beautiful self and believing in the existence of a dead person was a waste, and Cattleya wanted to lecture her into stopping immediately. There was substitution both for her arms and for the man of her affections.

“Do you plan to live like this forever from now on? You, Violet...”

“I am aware.” Violet said right away. “It is useless. There is no meaning to it. There is no gain from it. But without Major, I am the same. I have no meaning.”

“Would it be no good if it were someone else? Even if it’s hard now, he will definitely become just a memory one day, so while there’s still time...”

“No... no.” It was almost as though she were proclaiming war against everything that lived. “Major Gilbert Bougainvillea is the only one for me.”

Cattleya stiffened with her mouth agape. Perhaps because a popular unit had passed by in the sky above, cheers rose in their surroundings.

It was as if Violet was there, yet not. That was the bizarre feeling that those strong blue orbs brought about.

——What’s... with this girl? How can she manage to make people this sad, as if cutting them open?

Her values differed too much from Cattleya’s. Feelings that had nowhere to go swirled within the latter’s chest painfully.

“I understand that this conduct of mine makes people uncomfortable.”

What had she had to live through to develop so much stubbornness?

“Do ignore me. Please... leave me be.”

“You’re... an idiot, aren’t you?”

Even if it were criticized as futile and she were stigmatized as irrational for many years, she would most likely continue to believe it. Even with someone telling her “it’s no use; quit it”, she would merely cover her ears.

“Yes. I am an idiot... and a fool.”

She only desired one person.

Cattleya slapped her own forehead with one hand and growled like a dog. Thinking too much had her tremendously heated-up, and her head started to hurt. She was currently even more feverish than when coming up with phrases during amanuensis activities.

——This is no good.

Violet had always, always carried a wish.

——Even someone not so smart like me can tell.

“I want to see you, I want to see you”.

——This is like threatening to push down a child crying by a cliff.

She had been praying while firmly grasping her brooch.

——I can’t blame her.

Such idiocy was Violet Evergarden herself.

As if vomiting a silver poison, Cattleya said bitterly, “Got it. I got it. You’re... stupid, and... I think... it would be great if you cut it out... I seriously do, but I also think... there are things... that can’t... be helped.”

The shine of those blue eyes changed. “Really? President Hodgins tells me to stop it.”

She patted Violet’s shoulder with a plop. Cattleya actually wanted to side with Hodgins, but she also wanted at least herself to be Violet’s ally.

“That’s because love is necessary for living. Isn’t love like a symbol of happy things? Couples get married, and one of them dies at some point... but the other relies on the memories they have of that person; something like that. It doesn’t have to be romance... the love that you receive is never gone. Parents also count. I... ran away from home and was taken in by President Hodgins. There... were many moments of loneliness for me since I had no acquaintances here. I had terrible parents, but the times when they caressed my head... those kinds of things... whenever I was desolate, I would always end up remembering them...”

Violet, who had not known about Cattleya’s circumstances, replied with a, “Is that so?”

The two of them were now finally speaking face-to-face. Their conversation was one-sided no more.

“So love... is a... necessity?”

“It is. What do you rely on to live? You’ve had times in your life until now in which you were treated kindly, and things and words that you were happy to receive, right? It’s because they are... accumulated inside of you... that you are alive.”

“Bu... t...” Violet said in pauses, “even if I had nothing, I... would have been living.”

Cattleya tilted her head to the side. She did not understand the meaning of those words.

“Even now, I am alive. I cannot forget about Major. That is why... this is not love.”

Cattleya did not know that Violet used to live alone in an isolated island. She concluded on her own that Violet living even while having nothing referred to the period before she had met the major.

“Violet, hey.”

“That... is not my case. I am a tool, so to begin with, things of this sort that are...”

“Listen to me. A ‘tool’... what are you saying? Is it... because you’re an ex-soldier? You mean warriors are tools? Aren’t you... being rude to the people who protected this country?”

“That is not it. Ever since way before, I... was a tool, so if I do not... remain as one...”

Perhaps due to Violet not being able to express herself very well, Cattleya strongly gripped her automated fingers.

“I will be of no requirement for Major.”

Once she did so, they could not easily be untangled.

“I am not a person. I am no good... if I am not a tool. If I do not stay as a tool... I will be unable to fight properly. I would also lose the right of wishing to be by Major’s side. For the sake of wishing to be beside Major, and for being someone’s tool, things of that nature... must be inhibited.”

Cattleya’s head, still tilted, continued leaning sideways more and more, until it seemed like she would fall from the bench. “Wait, I wanna get this straight.” She raised her palm a little, restraining her position.

“All right.” Violet obediently consented. She waited for Cattleya to sort everything out.

“Your Major is dead.”

“Yes.”

“But you like him and have always been waiting for him. You believe he’s alive.”

“I do believe that he is living.”

“I think that’s love. You’re in love too. But you say that’s not it... because you might stop being useful for the deceased Major otherwise.”

“Yes.”

“You’re forcing yourself into not knowing love... and wanting to be a tool... because it’s a way for you to be with him. I don’t get what you’re... saying. You, Violet... I mean, there’s no reason for you to fight anymore, right? Major passed away, and you’re no longer a soldier.”

“Yes.” Maybe due to such reality being unfavorable for Violet, her answer came out low.

“You left the army, and now you’re working at our place, right? Do you understand that your motive to deny it by saying that you don’t need love and that it’s not love doesn’t exist anymore?”

“I... am... aware.”

Violet fell silent after that. She was pondering on what to say. Averting her orbs from hers and Cattleya’s laced fingers, she raised her face after looking down for a while. As she was at last about to open her mouth, Violet suddenly widened her eyes significantly.

She had found something.

What was reflected in her big, jewel-like blue irises was a tall man. The man continuously appeared and disappeared within the crowd. Her hand naturally stretched towards him.

“...jor.” Violet said something in an awfully reduced tone, lips trembling.

The man had lustrous black hair.

“Hey, I won’t be able to understand it if you stay quiet. Then why is it that you refer to yourself as a tool?” Tired of waiting for the other’s response, Cattleya cut the stillness and called out to her.

As she did so, Violet abruptly stood up. Cattleya was surprised at her serious profile.

“S-Sorry. Did you get angry?” she asked fearfully, and Violet replied with a “no”.

“In case...” Violet took one, two steps away from the bench, acting as though her heart was not there, drawn into the direction of the crowd.

“Violet?”

As her name was called, Violet turned back towards Cattleya for once. “In case that person is alive, this is for the sake of being able to function properly... if a time in which he would need me comes. Cattleya, I will excuse myself for a little.” Her expression was no longer the one of just a short while before, empty as a ghost.

“Eh, wait...! Where are you going?!”

“I must go after him. I will definitely make it back to the mission.”

“After who!?”

Who was it that she had to chase, even it meant leaving Cattleya behind?

Cattleya got up in a haste as well. However, their belongings and letters ended up dropping and rolling down at her feet.

“My... former user.” After saying only that, Violet vanished into the mass of people.

Still standing, Cattleya was dumbfounded. “Eh, Major?” It finally came to her who the person was. “Violet, hey, wait.”

Nevertheless, it was too late. She was already gone. Since she was calm and delicate, her feet almost did not seem so fast, yet her agility was indeed that of a soldier.

“I’m alone, you know.” Cattleya grumbled, although her shock surpassed her solitude. As she had no other choice, she picked up the belongings that had fallen and scattered – fountain pens, writing papers, envelopes, the letter she herself had written.

And...

“Ah.” She found one more letter lying on the ground. It was not her own.

That was Violet’s unfinished message. She had put it in an envelope and left it on her lap as it was. It was the one that she had claimed to be unable to compose appropriately and had stopped writing.

Cattleya had not noticed it when Violet was writing, but once she took it in her hands, she thought it was a rather charming item. Since Auto-Memories Dolls frequently used paper and envelopes for writing on people’s behalf, those were often mass-produced by the companies they belonged to. Even so, of course, they would prepare ones fitting for their clients to have at hand, but what Violet had brought from home was obviously different in quality. A bordering of silver roses as drawn on a white paper that felt good to the touch. She had most likely bought it with her own savings.

——Even though she had said that she didn’t write personal letters anymore...

People who had the habit of writing letters would be able to tell that those were treasured articles. They were selected in a way that the marvelousness of the paper and envelope would already be enough to convey the respect of the sender towards the addressee. They could not be guaranteed as decent just from being expensive. But the ones that had been chosen emanated prominence just by looking.

Cattleya stared at the direction Violet had disappeared into. The figure of a girl running with her golden hair swaying was not there anymore.

“This is punishment for leaving me by myself.” With mean spirit and curiosity, Cattleya decided to try reading what was inside.

Afterwards, once Violet came back as she had stated, Cattleya would tease her about it. Since the latter had said she was unable to write it properly, the contents were unmistakably boring. It was with that in mind that Cattleya had skimmed through the paper.

“Foolish girl.”

The inside was not what Cattleya had expected. She soon finished reading, for it was only one sheet. She slowly traced Violet’s handwriting with her fingertips.

——I wonder why. Why... did she have... to write like this...

What was written in there were private affairs completely unrelated to Cattleya. She had only just become able to talk to the other on that day. There was a limit to how much empathy she could feel.

——...with words that... seem to gouge people’s hearts?

Nevertheless, a film of tears gradually formed in her amethyst eyes. She could not bear to imagine how Violet had felt during the conversation they had had on that very day, or what sort of memories she had been living with.

The contents of the letter were:

Are you well? Has anything changed? Where are you right now? Do you not have any troubles?

Spring, summer, autumn and winter have gone by, and repeat on forever, but only the season in which you are here does not come. Whenever I am waking up, falling asleep or feeling hazy, I find myself looking for your figure. I do not dream often, so I feel as if I might forget your appearance. Repeatedly, repeatedly, I replay memories of you in my head.

Are you really nowhere anymore? I have walked so much around the whole world. I have been to many countries. You were not in any of them. I have not found you. Still I search. Even after having been told that you had passed away, still I search.

I am following my order. I am alive. I live, live and live. What is there after life is over? Although I do not know, I merely keep on living. Even so—

Violet grasped the arm of the black-haired man. “Please wait.”

The man, who had turned around, possessed the emerald green orbs so typical of the Bougainvillea.

[stringsofstarlight]

An oldie yet goodie, some still needs to happen, some a bit more challenging, and others soon to be or happening.       11/19/18 edit: “we belong” pat benatar    Marshall McCluhan published posthumously the tetrad of media effects.  I offer this letter as a retrieval of the past in order to reverse our course of history.    The Tetrad takes any medium or media, then applies these questions as ground qualities:  retrieval then reversal  &  enhancement then obsolescence.     See tetrad of media effects

  The contract signing with Universal and a need to clarify retrograde messages previously implored me to write the 13th letter.    The precedent that has been set by Taylor Swift, the artist,  eventually owning her own content is so huge, it is going to take so many years for everyone to see that this was the beginning of a new way of treating creators and their creations.   Ms. Taylor Swift is a trailblazer on so many fronts that few wild frontiers will be eventually left to tame when her life’s work is done.    Way to step up “walking the talk” and make a real deal shift of the tectonic orders of magnitude right in the “here now”.   No future maybe or mights—a torch of liberty held aloft for those that can see its warm glow, thousands of lumens strong for the Artist and their children’s children.   The change you  made is a huge systematic shift, it will only be a few months before someone else asks for their masters.    It will take many years but this contract, this payment clause, this……..yeah, great work for the whole of humanity.    Literally, a move going back centuries upon centuries of artists, performers, and creatives who have prostrated themselves to the whims of the Kings of currency, from whom performance was demanded in exchange for livelihood.   It really is that Big--to comment on systematic change in the 1st political post last month and then drop a huge actual real, live example of political economy and structural change to the very system being called out.  Hecks Yeah!!   I see someone following through with such conviction, heart, and broadest of world changing visions.   Every time I think that you can’t top the last time in big, big movements that must happen for world planetary change—nope…...even bigger, even more prescient, even more important…Count Me In!!

     Congratulations on the very caring yet wily move to get the hundreds of millions in ironclad guarantees to artists for the future on the Spotify clause.      These guarantees are a such a positive shift in the Spotify sale structure and leeway that the label can take with the artists.   I have done a crash course on how recoupable income, royalties, and the like— had little knowledge but now tiny bit more.   It really surprised me how many 90% do not get back to a positive balance with the Company.    It is very interesting because it is the same percentage of traders who make it in the markets over the longer term of  5-10 years.    As a business owner, I know the importance of working cash flow—a no strings attached dividend from  “contributions” like this can help to transform an artist’s current situation or feel more connected with the new digital reality.   Think of the good feelings that have resonated outward from the multitude of artist who have a bankable guarantee in the future.    All of that new creativity unleashed by release valve on the economic pressure cooker.       The actions done in isolation from the “masters” guarantee  would represent a major shift especially since it benefits everyone along the pipeline.     Both of these events at the same time baffle the awesome meter so high that there just really isn’t a reading for this humongous mountain of good.    By law of large numbers these tectonic shifts have a name, as singular events, they would have represented a super life affirming “magical” outcome yet done at the same time, the odds become staggeringly impossible to which the angels call it a “miracle”.      The series of miraculous happenings that drop that kernel of sand to land in the oyster to eventually create the finest of natural pearls.    The missing ingredient is Time—in the Mayan time keeping, the year 2012 was the beginning of the movement back to the natural time frequency of 13:20.  A thirteen moon vision of the mulitverse including our localize construction of time and space+.   The Higgs-Boson “god(dess) particle” was found at Cern in the year 2012 and confirmed the existence of at least 11 dimensions.   The Caticorn Chronicle picks up some threads that happened during this occurrence and the previous attempts to start the accelerator.    It shows the movement of their world to ours via the machines and other natural phenomena.   The natural time frequency moves the old paradigm:  Time X Energy =  Money to a  new construction:  Time X Energy = Art.    The freedom of artistic expression and ownership of the work by the artist themselves, while they are alive, is a rarity you have now helped to become the normative nature of how we will work together to see a commonality that can still be profitable for all parties involved.  Art as a living structure for a life’s expression operating in a mutually beneficial manner.    The energy needed to ensure the shift is lasting for the future has been initiated by your sequence of actions.     Once again, innumerable thanks to you for all of this and the millions you touched this Stadium Tour.    

      The insight and clarity on the nature of reality, my purpose on this planet, and the things that make my dreams come alive are found when I see you in my minds eye and heart.    It is this beneficent soft personage nudging me to go for it, try just a little harder to see that vision come to life.     I always dreamed of making music and writing down all of the stories, ideas, and what I now know to be lyrics that pop in my head.   I would consider it the highest honor and pleasure to spend any amount of minutes in this life with Taylor Swift.   I love being a detective of jewelry, minerals, and even new to be piqued interests---an open, curious mind figuring out all of the stuff everyone else thought was impossible to deal with .    Finding out the provenance, imagining who wore and what they wore, and asking oneself how many intricate, amazing stories these pieces would tell.    Gold may be what I find and the currency that I use most yet that is only one little aspect of the true story I wish to tell.   I found in you the true gold, a soul who shared her whole self and has the awareness to see the importance of her role in greater society.     This is like the most attractive and sexy thing a grown ass man like myself could every imagine in such a caring and beautiful vision of life .   I see the thousands of artists who will directly be involved in just one decision alone with Spotify.     Vote.org logged tens of thousands of voters registrations increases.  I see how major conservative publications were very rattled about the political moves.    Rightly so because what I found is that the Swifties are one big, caring, sharing family and you can’t mess with that kind of bond.       The biggest acts in the history of music have fought to get their masters in their own control—you did it.    I mean, this is like world changing stuff—this is so exciting and interesting to me.   I feel like I could talk for hours upon hours and never even know a minute went by—sitting in rapt enjoyment of this genius woman and her vast understanding of the world.    I have always seen visions on this kind of scale the way you flow in and out it is just marvelous to watch.       I rose one day to find an intellect, a soul so deep that for the first time my curiosity and longing in life had found an inspiration, a spark to jumpstart James to action.    Some may call this love yet these words describe what is so vast, so specially entangled down to the finest of neurons looking to create new bundles of caring reflections and spacial connections.  It is like the most ironic thing that your whole album and tour is about this and here I am months of letter writing in having a mini breakdown.    It is really hard to explain, having a parent with mental illness makes you react to certain stimuli on mental health oddly sometimes.   This is why I seemingly have run away to hide in the Cascades.     To be honest, I have not ever put myself out on a limb like this before and at the same time I feel more alive about life than ever.    The writings are the first time I have written other than a letter to a friend and have only written two business plans plus  an avid technical analyst for commodity charting, plus really good picking stocks to “break”.   Thank you for this opportunity to find my voice and let those pieces of inspired words set themselves free.    For too long I’ve held them inside without a way to tend them in the proper way.     I usually  prefer working to hold real items in my local economy to bolster it as much as possible.  The scale of how you weave just literally makes me just shake my head in amazement and nod one of those “damn yeah” nods.  To see you just kicking some butt every other week—just straight up humbling to me.    It would make my world  if I were able to help out in any way to offer insight.     I just want to support you in any way possible.    I will move anywhere or change my life to be part of yours—just to be perfectly clear.    I am a humble guy and will keep on kicking out some heaps of good.    Thanks for everything!!!!!!!

                           “And then you say     I want you for worse or for better       I would wait for ever and ever     Broke your heart, I'll put it back together          I would wait for ever and ever”          “how you get the girl”………….

      You are an inspiration and a one of the most beautiful souls on this planet.   I will relish the day that our paths may cross again.   Until that time I offer these insights upon meditating on the beneficent vision of you with the floral top in the huji filter pre Arlington shows.    This soft vision comes as a friendly reminder to give it our best and push on through.    Love doesn’t take numbers.  

    eternal love,

james

[whittlebaggett8]

How to tell someone you love that you have cancer, according to people who have done it, Defence Online

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It’s in no way easy to split the news.

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In Oct 2018, I bought a tummy-turning electronic mail from a very good buddy of mine and the issue simply browse “personal update.” It wasn’t right up until I opened up the e mail to find that my friend – who is a mum or dad to two kids, married, and operates their very own small business – had been diagnosed with cancer.

It’s by no means uncomplicated to obtain an email like that, but it’s clearly even tougher to be the man or woman sending it.

Although it could truly feel like there is no right way or time to provide the information and facts to people about you, listed here are 12 examples – supplied by most cancers individuals, survivors, and supporters – informed to INSIDER that can enable you crack the information to the kinds you enjoy.

Of study course, everyone’s journey with cancer and romantic relationship with the loved types can vary. These are only a manual, but you must often do what feels cozy for you and look for the steering of your doctor and/or psychological wellness expert for additional.

Consider your time

Telling a person that you enjoy about your prognosis is certainly a tough job. According to Lindsey A. Walker, CEO and lead publicist of Walker + Associates Media Team, LLC and most cancers survivor, you never have to do it as quickly as you imagine. You need to tell people you appreciate at the pace that feels proper for you.

“I broke the news by contacting near family and friends and then mainly because I am in organization and didn’t know what to assume, I emailed and named some of my purchasers and created a status on Fb allowing everyone know,” Walker said.

“My information in breaking the information would be to take your time. Do not sense obligated to explain to everyone suitable away. You, as the particular person remaining diagnosed, require time to approach every thing initially together with your thoughts and feelings. After you’ve had time to procedure, then you can let anyone know in your have time and your have way.”

If you are not ready to convey to other folks, but really feel that they ought to know, permit a shut family member do it for you

Accredited counselor Saffy Johnson, whose mom is presently in active treatment for Stage 4 cancer of the liver and colon, explained to INSIDER that after she been given the information about her mother’s most cancers, her aunt and cousin took on the job of telling the remainder of the loved ones.

“My aunt, cousin and I experienced to carefully express this news to other family members customers as we have a lot of older relatives members,” she stated. “They ended up all hurt and concerned by it. My aunt and cousin did most of the large lifting by guarding my mother and I by chatting to different family customers. Of study course, they named me and checked up to see how I was performing and they also referred to as my mother.”

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Occasionally it’s Alright to let someone else crack the information.

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Really don’t experience obligated to convey to everyone – even if they are household

Just because you adore a person, that does not mean you’re really prepared to explain to them about your analysis just nevertheless. Tracy Cuva, melanoma individual and Queens, New York Cycle for Survival participant, explained that absolutely everyone doesn’t have to know all at as soon as or even at all.

“Learning you have cancer is usually devastating, but I never ever guessed that telling the people today who appreciate and want to protect you would be one particular of the hardest elements,” she advised INSIDER. “Initially, I barfed the headline on my husband, siblings, mothers and fathers, and near mates: ‘I have melanoma.’”

“Only upon finding how state-of-the-art the ailment was did I start to curate information and facts I shared and with whom I shared it. My kids, 4, 2, and five months at the time of my diagnosis, nonetheless really don’t know about my most cancers at all and two a long time afterwards, I have not disclosed my stage to any family member other than my partner. Ironically, it is a lot easier to inform buddies and acquaintances the particulars so I preserve a site to retain people today current on the day-to-working day and garner support.”

Be open and genuine

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Convey to them the truth of the matter.

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Mary Stommel, who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2017 and has been in active cure since, said that one particular of the ideal approaches to disclose the data to those you treatment about is to just be open and truthful with them.

“I broke the information to my little ones that dwell in California and told them every little thing the oncologist explained,” she said. “I did not come to feel the need to have to withhold any info or to downplay the situation. The far more facts you share, the much better outfitted your household users are for guidance and to get you via the treatment plans and working day-to-day side outcomes.”

Continue to be oneself when breaking the information

Stommel also informed INSIDER that one particular of the best factors to do when talking to your household about one thing so sensitive is to remain legitimate to your genuine self through the dialogue.

“My spouse and children has often used humor to cope with cases the two excellent and negative,” she stated. “We stay to chuckle. When I informed my sisters, I advised them that I was likely to be conserving income on hair products and would be the fastest 1 ready due to the fact I wouldn’t have to be concerned about correcting my hair. When I identified as my brothers, who are both equally bald, I informed them that folks would not be equipped to explain to us aside and we’d search like triplets. Laughter tends to open up to door for a lot more insightful and effective discussions around one’s most cancers.

“Continuing with the notion that laughter is very good drugs, I wore costumes to all my chemotherapy solutions. It was great for my angle and it produced the other clients snicker. It is a long and painful journey and I could not have gotten by way of it with no the love and guidance of my loved ones and pals and all the laughs we’ve shared alongside the journey.”

Just take your loved kinds with you to discover extra

Even though anyone may possibly not have the selection to deliver their spouse and children with them to their doctor’s appointments, if you have that close aid, Stommel suggests that you choose gain of it.

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Lean on other folks for guidance.

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iStock

“When I was told that I experienced most cancers I was shocked and overcome. My first response was a common 1 of dread initially,” she explained. “When people listen to the term ‘cancer,’ they mechanically believe of dying. I desired to get to a put of peace ahead of I advised any person but that was unrealistic. I imagined it finest to be completely honest about the diagnosis and the study course of treatment, so I resolved to acquire my household with me to hear what the oncologist had to say.

“It’s far better to have much more men and women listen to what is becoming explained so that you can look at notes afterward. When you are in an emotional condition, you tend to only listen to bits and items of what is being said and you can’t remember it all.”

Preserve it uncomplicated and light-weight for those more youthful

Melissa Berry, a five-calendar year triple destructive breast most cancers survivor and mom of two, claimed that even if your children may possibly be old sufficient to recognize what most cancers is, they may not be old sufficient to system almost everything that will come with it. However, you can and need to place it in phrases that they can understand.

“My daughters had been 11 and 7 at the time of my prognosis,” she said. “I retained it as straightforward and mild as I could. I determined to share just the bare minimum amount with them, then reply any queries that they had. I instructed them that I had breast most cancers, and that I was likely to be Ok, But that I was heading to have to choose medicine that will make my hair slide out. And, that their Mommy would be incredibly tired and even a small ill some days. They also managed the information incredibly perfectly. I’m very fortunate to have these types of a supportive family members.”

Do not be afraid to inquire for support

When manner stylist Brandi Murray‘s aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 metastasis colon most cancers, she selected to hold it from her household since she did not sense right asking for support. Murray explained that her most important piece of advice is to let your liked ones enable you.

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Men and women won’t judge you for getting susceptible.

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Vitali Vitello/Shutterstock

“If you are diagnosed with cancer, never ever enable your friends, family or loved ones damage silently simply because you are also prideful for them to see you expertise a low,” she said. “My aunt selected not to divulge her well being worries to us – and even denied them to herself – when it was apparent that she required assist. At the time identified, she denied persons who liked her the means to check in on her, phone her or for us to even let them know it might have been close to the time to say goodbye. In no way be ashamed of the hand daily life offers you and in no way be fearful to request for aid or support. Getting that potential from people hurts just as considerably as them going via it with you.

Remove all interruptions when telling them

In accordance to Dr. Adil Akhtar who is the chief for Division of Palliative & Close of Life Care at Michigan Well being Gurus as nicely as the director of Inpatient Clinical Expert services at Karmanos-McLaren Oakland Cancer Middle in Michigan, regardless of whether you are a medical doctor or the client who has cancer, you must take away all distractions when relaying the info. By performing this, you’re equipped to competently reply any issues they could have.

Be as apparent as achievable

While finding out your diagnosis might be really hard to digest, describing it once again to those people closest to you could be even harder. Not only since they will be hurt by the information, but also simply because they might not want to accept it or realize it.

“Look at the person and give the information plainly and unequivocally in simple language without the need of tough health-related phrases,” Dr. Akhtar stated. “Then, pause so that they can method the information. Clearly show aid for their inner thoughts through supportive phrases and actual physical get hold of, like keeping palms or touching shoulders. Make positive they have an understanding of what you just advised them. Be sensible, but often give hope simply because even if a most cancers just cannot be treated, it can be handled to handle it.”

Remember that there is no ideal time to tell them

Even though you may well consider to rehearse and strategy for the fantastic way to enable everyone know what’s going on in your daily life, the real truth is, there is never ever an optimum time to split the news. Influencer Amanda Lauren, whose mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2017, echoed that point.

“It was my niece’s next bat mitzvah when I discovered out,” she mentioned. “I stay across the nation and was coming in for 48 hours. Around the conclusion of the bash, my mother pulls me aside around the kitchen area at the temple. She sat me down to inform me what is likely on and it just felt like a good deal. A yr and a 50 % right before this, she was hit by vehicle – six months right before my wedding day – leaving her deal with adjusted without end. She informed me that she was going to be wonderful. There was no fantastic time to inform me, but she didn’t want to tell me on the cellphone. So in the long run, there was not a terrific time to crack the information due to the fact I was going to be damage both way.”

For more details and valuable tips, you can take a look at the American Cancer Society’s internet site.

The post How to tell someone you love that you have cancer, according to people who have done it, Defence Online appeared first on Defence Online.

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[jayarrarr]

Red, Revisited

I wrote and posted this a few years ago, from the inspiration and with a little advice/assistance from a certain local wolf (@desayunogratis). I was thinking about it recently and decided to post it again. Enjoy. It’s really fucking long (around 3,500 words) so I’m putting the bulk of it behind a read more.

“Red! Git your lazy ass in here!”

Red rolled her eyes and shuffled towards the sound of her stepfather’s voice. Her name wasn’t Red, but if you asked her she’d tell you it was. People had been calling her that since, as a young girl, she developed an affinity for a particular hooded cloak. She wore it everywhere, with everything, the hood always covering her head and partially obscuring her face, no matter the weather. As that cloak was red, and was typically the first if not only thing you ever saw of the girl, the nickname made sense at the time.

It didn’t make much sense now, as she’d long outgrown both that red cloak and the childish predilection to wear a particular favorite item of clothing all day every day regardless of its suitability. But people still called her Red. It was a small town, and the people who lived in it were conventional, conservative people who generally disliked change--so the idea of ceasing something simply because it no longer made sense didn’t hold much appeal.

“What?” She peered around the corner and saw him sitting in his favorite recliner, his hand down his pants, watching some auto race.

“I needja git down ta town ‘n git me s’more beers. And don’t you dawdle like you do, s’almost supper time.”

When Red’s mother died in somewhat mysterious circumstances that are still talked about in town (probably owing to the fact that those circumstances were neither conventional nor conservative, but in fact quite suspicious), everyone, including Red herself, assumed the girl would go to live with her grandmother. Red’s grandmother was a bit eccentric, lived alone way out in the woods, away from town, and hadn’t left her house in many years. Rumor had it she was infirm and incapable of making the trek through the woods to town. The truth was she was addicted to reality television and the internet, and Red enabled those twin addictions by bringing food and other necessities to her grandmother because she loved the woman too much to see the truth. Still, as far as the town’s dowagers and denizens were concerned, Red and her grandmother had a close and loving relationship, and the newly-orphaned Red surely would be sent to stay with her.

But Red was not an orphan, as it turned out. Under yet more somewhat mysterious circumstances it appeared that Red’s mother had married the transient she brought under her roof just a few weeks prior to her death. Not only that, but he also had legally adopted her only child--her daughter, Red. He presented “official” court documents, and although none who worked in the courthouse could remember any such events taking place, the documents were conservative and conventional, and no one had any reason to dispute their authenticity.

And so Red remained with her stepfather, who acquired not only custody of the girl but also became the trustee of her not-unsizeable trust fund. She’d continued to take things to her grandmother, although she usually had to sneak away to do it. Her stepfather didn’t really approve of Red doing anything for anyone other than him. He told her she shouldn’t walk through the woods (which was really the only way to get to grandmother’s house) because there was a wolf living in those woods that would kill her. She knew that was complete hogwash ‘cause she’d been walking through those woods since she was a child, and no harm had ever come to her. And she also didn’t much believe her stepfather cared if she lived or died. But she made like his story scared her out of walking through the woods and continued to visit her grandmother in secret. It was better that way, for all involved--even if it did lead to her being called lazy and accused of dawdling. Red knew it was always something, and there were certainly worse things he could call her or accuse her of, so it was her way of making the best of a bad situation. For years, it had worked out just fine--if by “fine” you mean the way you’d say the word when someone asks you how your day went and the truth is it was perfectly awful but for whatever reason you don’t want to tell them that.

As she headed to town to get her stepfather’s beers and some food for supper, she couldn’t help but think about her grandmother. Just a few weeks ago, she’d gone to make her usual delivery of snacks and energy drinks, along with vitamins and protein supplements she hoped the woman was taking, only to find her grandmother dressed in actual clothing and packing a suitcase.

“I’m finally going to meet him!” her grandmother said. Her skin had taken on a twitterpated teenager’s glow.

“Who?”

“CrazyMike1942! He’s sent me a plane ticket!”

“Gran--do you really think this is--”

“Oh shush. This is right. I know it’s right. I just feel it. And I’ve seen pictures of him. Let me tell you, he’s quite a looker. There aren’t men like that around here--never have been.”

“I don’t --”

“Oh, leave me alone, you’re worse than your mother. Can’t an old woman have a little fun?” She wiggled her hips when she said “fun.” It was decidedly creepy. Red decided not to pursue the subject any further.

That had been the last she’d heard from her grandmother. She’d dutifully spread the rumor that the woman had been eaten by a wolf, riding on the coattails of her stepfather’s story. The town had been in a reactionary uproar upon first hearing the story, determined to rid the forest of this dangerous beast. The uproar died down after a bit when the townspeople realized that such actions were neither conventional nor conservative but actually, assuming a man-eating wolf was loose in the woods (which of course means there’s at least twenty given their breeding patterns), quite dangerous. And really, it wasn’t as though anyone other than Red was really close to that woman, anyway. No one even knew her name, really. They just called her Red’s grandmother ‘cause that’s who she was.

All Red could do was hope she was alright. This thinking might’ve been what gave her the impulse to head over to her grandmother’s house on her way back home from town, just to check on things. She started down the path through the woods she’d taken hundreds of times before, but things looked different in the sparse light of the setting sun. She shifted the handles of her shopping bag and pulled them over her shoulder. Her stepfather’s bottles clinked together as she walked. The branches of the tallest trees seemed to close in on each other, more ceiling than canopy. She readjusted the shopping bag handle on her shoulder and wished she’d brought a hoodie along. Whether for warmth or protection, she wasn’t sure.

The story her stepfather had told her hundreds of times before crossed her mind. “Oh grow the fuck up,” she told herself. “There’s no wolf in these woods that--” She stopped. She heard branches cracking to her left and stood still, not daring to breathe or even carry on silently chastising herself. The noises were getting closer. The noises were being made by someone, or something, that was walking at an uneven but steady pace in her direction. She glanced around, but she was in something of a clearing, a little over halfway to her grandmother’s house, and there was nowhere to hide. She kept walking, with one ear focused on the approaching noise.

When she’d reached her grandmother’s house, all the lights were on and the front door was ajar. Curious--she’d assumed her grandmother would’ve left a light on, but not all of them, and she certainly would’ve locked the door before leaving. She lowered her bag, taking care to keep the bottles from thunking as she sat it on the porch. Peering through the open door, she heard movement inside. She looked at the bag and slipped one of the beer bottles out, flipping it in her hand. The edges of the bottle cap dug into her palm as she pushed open the door.

“Hello?” She immediately regretted having uttered a word. She tightened her grip on the bottle and walked toward the kitchen. The pantry door was open and she heard noises coming from inside, but the door obscured her view. Rustling and muttering. She raised the bottle over her head and was taking a tentative step towards the door when it swung closed. She screamed.

“Now look what you’ve made me do!” the Wolf said, picking up the vegetables he’d dropped. “I’m sorry. You startled me. I wasn’t expecting company. You must be Red.”

“You’re--but you’re--you’ve--”

He glanced at the bottle in her hand. “And what, pray tell, are you planning to do with that?”

“I’m gonna--I oughta--”

“There, there,” the Wolf chuckled. Having placed the vegetables on the counter, he reached over and liberated the bottle from her hand, opened it, and took a quick swig. “Kinda cheap, don’t you think? Not that I’d expected differently.”

Red fell to the floor. Isn’t it interesting how women in stories are always fainting when confronted with an exceedingly strange situation, yet this rarely (if ever) happens in real life? The Wolf thought nothing of it. He was accustomed to women fainting at the sight of him. He lifted Red off the floor and carried her to her grandmother’s bed, then returned to the kitchen to continue cooking.

When Red came to, she was understandably confused. She didn’t remember laying down for a nap or anything of that sort, and it was dark outside. “Shit,” she thought. Her stepfather was going to be furious. She stood up in a rush, felt dizzy, collapsed on the bed again.

“Drink this,” a voice said, pressing a glass into her hand. She opened her eyes and strained to focus. The Wolf. She sat up. The Wolf was giving her a glass of water. Realizing how dry her mouth and throat were, she drank it in big gulps. Then realizing (perhaps belatedly) that she didn’t exactly trust this creature, she pulled the glass away and spat the water still in her mouth on the floor. “That’s hardly lady-like,” the Wolf said with a grin.

“But you--how do I know you didn’t drug it?”

“You don’t,” he said, sitting on the bed next to her. “But then again, why would I? You’ve been passed out here on this bed, completely defenseless, for nearly an hour. If I’d wanted to hurt you, I’d’ve had plenty of time to do so. I could’ve done whatever I wanted to--and I did. What I wanted to do was finish that soup I was making when you popped in unannounced. Luckily I still had time to add a little to the pot, so there’s enough for you if you’d like some. I’m sure you’re hungry.”

Red’s eyes narrowed as she looked the Wolf up and down. “I just--I don’t--”

“Probably best not to attempt thinking right now. Finish that water; I’ll get your soup.” Red shook her head, the way you might do when you can’t tell if you’re awake or dreaming. It didn’t help her come to a solid conclusion one way or the other, but when the Wolf returned with a steaming bowl she realized she was so hungry it didn’t matter. She took two hurried slurps, burned her tongue, and decided she was definitely not dreaming.

“What have you done with my grandmother? And how do you know my name?”

“My dear, I’ve done nothing at all with your grandmother. She’s out of town, as you already know. As for how I know your name--I don’t. Everyone in town calls Arlene’s granddaughter ‘Red,’ and since Red is the only person who ever comes here, I intuited that you must be she.”

“But how did you--”

“I have a key,” the Wolf said. “I hate to cut this thrilling conversation short, but I’m hungry, so I’m going to go eat some of this soup I spent all evening preparing.” He nodded to her bowl. “Yours is getting cold.”

Red lifted her spoon and took another, more tentative slurp of the soup. The Wolf smiled, then turned and walked back into the kitchen. “You’re welcome to come in here and eat with me, if you like,” he said over his shoulder.

Red shrugged and put her feet on the floor. She had too many questions not to follow. Her dizziness did not return as she walked to the kitchen, and when she sat at the table across from the Wolf, he smiled. “You have a lot of questions,” he said.

“Well, yeah. I mean, who are you? What are you? How do you have a key to my grandmother’s house? How do you know her name? Why did she never speak of you? Do you come here often? How long have you been here? And why?”

The Wolf swallowed a spoonful of soup. “When I said you had a lot of questions, I didn’t mean to imply you should ask them all at once,” he began. “Your grandmother and I have been friends for a very long time. She enjoys my cooking. You bring her nothing but junk. She loves you dearly, so she wanted you to continue to feel--necessary. Believing you were the only one responsible for her continued welfare instilled quite a bit of confidence in you--perhaps too much, to be frank.”

“I heard something in the woods earlier. When I was on my way here. Was that--”

The Wolf’s eyes darkened. “When was this?”

“It was--I was about halfway here, on the path. That clearing. I heard--someone, or something, was following me. I just thought it might’ve been you.”

“It couldn’t have been me, I’ve been here since noon.” The Wolf stood. “Finish your soup,” he said, leaving the room.

Red took a couple of hurried spoonfuls of the soup, then stood and crept in the direction the Wolf had gone. He was sitting on her grandmother’s couch in the living room, his back to her. “All those questions, and you never even thought to ask my name,” he said.

Red inhaled sharply. “I--I--”

“I didn’t need to see you, I sensed your presence. You have no idea how loud you are--louder still when you’re making a conscious effort to be quiet. Of course, my ears are more sensitive than yours. Which means if you heard someone approach, it had to be someone clumsy, lazy, and probably drunk.”

“I don’t know if I follow--”

“You know him as your stepfather,” the Wolf said. “He is anything but. Unfortunately, we don’t have time to discuss that.” She followed his gaze through the open front door and saw her stepfather stumbling towards the porch. The Wolf stood. “Excuse me,” he said, and walked towards the door to confront the drunken man.

“What’ve you done with my daughter?” Red’s stepfather roared. Well, he meant it to be a roar, anyway. It came out more as a desperate plea with a burp attached to the end. Drinking too many beers often has this effect.

“You don’t have a daughter,” the Wolf said. His voice had taken on the stern, even tone of a parent patiently reprimanding an errant child. This irritated Red’s stepfather, and he took a lurching step forward. “I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you,” the Wolf said.

“You dunno the firs’ thin’ about me,” Red’s stepfather said.

“I don’t need to know the first thing. I know the last,” the Wolf said. He motioned to Red to stay back--although he needn’t have bothered; she had no intention of coming any closer. Her stepfather took a swing through the air and the momentum of his arm pulled him sideways and forward. Stumbling, he caught his foot on the porch step and fell forward onto the porch. The Wolf raised his foot and placed it on the man’s throat, pressing his heel down until the man began to gurgle. “Do you have any reason I shouldn’t kill this man?” the Wolf said to Red.

“Do I--are you--”

The Wolf removed his foot from the man’s throat and kicked him off the porch. He landed on the ground with a flat thump and the Wolf stood there, staring at him. He didn’t move. “You’re beautiful,” the Wolf said, turning to Red. “I apologize in advance for what you’re about to witness.”

“What are you--”

“I’ll be happy to answer all of your many questions later, but now is not the time. This must be done.” He walked over to the man, seized him by the neck, and pulled him up until he was mostly standing on his feet. “He wouldn’t have shown you any more mercy than he did your mother,” the Wolf said to Red. She backed into the wall and slid slowly down to the ground, her mind, as you’d expect, somewhat unable to handle the shock and confusion while still standing.

“Why’re you doin’ this ta me?” Red’s stepfather sputtered.

The Wolf smacked him. “You know exactly why,” he growled.

“We shoulda done away wif you when we had the chance. Woulda too. I had the whole town wif me.”

“You had nothing. You had no chance.” The Wolf tightened his grip on the man’s throat and lifted him up. The man flailed, his mouth moving, but no sound came out. The Wolf squeezed his fingers into the man’s neck as his eyes widened. In a quick motion, the Wolf closed his fingers around the man’s larynx and pulled. The man’s lifeless body fell to the ground. The Wolf dropped the remains of the man’s throat on the ground next to the body and turned toward the house. As he did, the body began bubbling, its bones crackling like damp wood on a raging fire.

“I’m sorry about your mother,” the Wolf said to Red, extending a hand. She accepted his assistance and he pulled her into him, holding her close. “It’s over now,” he said. “I suggest you stay here for a few days, with me, until the dowagers in the town quit yapping. This house is yours. Arlene left it to you in her will.”

“My grandmother?”

“I’m sorry about that too. We tried to get her away, to safety, before anything happened to her. We were careful. It was only dumb luck that he discovered her route in time to have her intercepted.”

The Wolf led Red inside. She started to speak, but he held up a hand. “I can imagine how confused you must be. When your mother was taken, you were too young to be told everything.” He broke away from her. “Excuse me. I have to get something.”

“Wait--I still--”

“Stay there. You’re safe now,” he said from an interior room. In a moment he’d returned, holding a bundle in his arms, which he handed to Red. “This is yours,” he said.

She snapped the twine securing the bundle together and ripped off the paper, revealing the scarlet cloak she’d worn as a child. She shook it out and discovered it was larger, large enough to fit her once again.

“I had to add some material and then reattach the hood, so it would fit you again. I had to guess on the measurements, of course, but when I saw you in the kitchen I knew it would fit. Put it on!” the Wolf said, the warmth having returned to his eyes.

Red smiled as she pulled the cloak over her head, the hood covering her eyes.

“There was a reason you were so attached to this as a child, a reason you insisted on wearing it everywhere. This cloak is your protection. As long as you wear it, no harm can come to you.”

“But why--who am I? Who are you? What is all of this?”

The Wolf smiled. “Tomorrow I’ll answer all your questions,” he said. “Tonight, you should get some sleep.”

That night, Red slept more soundly than she had since she was a little girl, the hood of the cloak pulled close over her head. So soundly, in fact, that on one occasion when the Wolf poked his nose in to check on her, he knelt close to make sure she was still breathing. Feeling the humid air as it escaped her lips, he kissed her forehead. “Sweet dreams, Emily,” he whispered.

© 2014 by Jennifer R.R. Mueller

[btsinwonderland]

Love Me Better - Ch. 21

A Monsta X Story...

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----------------------------

The car engine revved as Hyungwon shifted gears. The sun had already set and black clouds sat in the sky. It looked like it might rain as they drove down the busy streets of downtown. It was a Saturday night and they caught the tail end of rush hour. Vy took deep breaths to calm herself.

“Nervous?” Hyungwon said staring at the road.

“A little bit…”

“Don’t be, just trust yourself. Trust your gut. All we have to do tonight is watch him and bring him home. Easy peasy.” He winked at her.

She smiled. “You’re not as bad as I thought.”

“Ooh be careful jagiya, you don’t want me after you, I might just steal your heart.”

Vy laughed and silently thanked him for relieving the tension she felt. Though as soon as they parked behind the club it returned. A bouncer greeted them when they reached the doors.

They entered through the back and Vy could hear the music echo through the walls. They passed a couple hallways that were bustling with people, some were topless women, cleaners, and kitchen staff.

[recommended listening]

The man branched to the left and led Vy to a bright red door. “You go here,” he said.

She looked at Hyungwon suddenly feeling like a child being taken to the bus stop for the first time. He smiled at her encouragingly and whispered ‘good luck’. She nodded and took a deep breath.

The door opened to a large room filled with racks of clothes. There were rows of vanity stations with bright lights circling oval shaped mirrors. It was very expensive looking and she barely wanted to touch anything. There were many women running around naked, some were putting on makeup, while others stood there talking on the phone. A woman rushed passed her and bumped her arm, she glared at Vy who tried to move but instead she bumped into someone else.

“Bitch get the fuck outta here, go clean somewhere else!” One woman said in passing.

Vy panicked and was about walk out when someone grabbed her arm. It was a young looking woman with long black hair, she wore blue lingerie and had a small feather tucked behind her ear.

“Are you…Vy?” Her almond shaped eyes were wide with questions.

“Y-yes…”

The woman smiled brightly and grabbed Vy by the shoulder and dragged her to a vanity. “Great! My name is Lana, I was told to assist you tonight as it’s your first day! That’s so exciting, I remember my first day I was so nervous,” she lowered her voice, “and some of these girls are as scary as they are beautiful…” She continued to talk about how the girls were at the club while she casually started taking off Vy’s clothing.

When Lana lifted the seams of her tank top, Vy reflexively pushed Lana’s hand away.

“Are you nervous about the clothes? I promise I won’t get you anything too extreme for your first night, that's always a bit scary. But don’t worry, just think of it like…you’re shooting a movie!” Lana smiled at Vy with such a sincere expression that Vy had to smile back.

Lana signalled her to wait there and in a flash she returned with an outfit. It looked like a children's size the way it hung from the hanger. When Lana saw Vy’s expression she laughed and shook her head.

“It's okay! It stretches, and it's a one piece so you won’t feel too naked. We’ll build up to that,” Lana winked at her. “Oh here, and take these fishnets, a classic!"

She took Vy’s arm once again and led her to a corner of the room that was less busy and pushed her behind the clothing racks.

“You can change here, I’ll keep watch for you.”

Vy took the hanger from her. “Thank you…Lana.”

The item felt foreign and tight as she had never worn anything like it before. Though the fabric was somewhat soft and not irritating. Even though this was apparently one of the more conservative pieces she felt absolutely naked. The black lace was cut dangerously thin around her rear and she felt completely exposed. The front of it was shaped like a corset but cut extremely low. The fishnets ran up to her thighs and hooked onto the garter she put on. She stepped out slowly and when Lana saw her she practically yelled.

“You look gorgeous! Who knew what you were hiding underneath all that, damn girl!” She grabbed Vy’s hand and threw her into a chair. “Okay time for makeup, I’m thinking sexy smoky eye to go with the black concept. Yeah…oh yeah…”

She smiled wickedly grabbing a brush with one hand and Vy’s face with another.

The lights were bright when she entered the downstairs club area, the change rooms had a hallway, but that led to the stage so Lana took her through the regular entry. Before she got there a delicately firm hand stopped her. She turned to see Soo, in a fiery red two piece that dripped with sensual energy.

She was taken aback by Soo’s beauty. Her body was model worthy and she wore long stiletto heels making her lean calf muscles stand out. Soo towered over her and smiled.

“You look lovely Vy, I’m glad you took this so well,” Soo said. “I understand that Wonho and Minhyuk just arrived, they’re sitting two booths away from David adjacent to the bar. You’re to bring drinks to tables and try not to catch anyone’s eye, they might want a dance…” She smirked and went out the door.

Vy’s heart pounded loudly as she stepped out into the club. There were a lot of people there. She saw several people getting dances, there was so much touching and drinking. The stage had a few topless dancers that did complicated formations on the poles. She exhaled as the bass of the music went right through her body. A part of her would prefer a gang war to walking into the room dressed the way she was. She shook it off and Lana slapped her back gently. Vy maintained balance in her black high heels and moved forward.

She saw Hyungwon at the bar and walked over to him with a tray that Lana gave her. Her breaths were small and fast but she tried to relax. She thought about all the obstacles she endured up until this point and tried to give herself a mental pep talk. Hyungwon was about to place a shot glass on her tray when he took a look at her.

The small glass fell from his hand and the liquid spilled all over the counter.

“…Vy? Holy shit.”

“Please…I know it’s ridiculous, just don’t say anything.”

“No…it’s not that…” He blinked a few times and shook his head. “Um, here’s your ear piece, the four of us are connected now. Make it look like you’re picking up your earring then put it in your ear.”

She did as she was told and heard light static in her right ear. Then she heard Minhyuk whisper her name. His voice gave her a bit of peace.

She spoke low, “can everyone hear me?”

“Don’t say unnecessary things,” it was Wonho’s voice.

Hyungwon laughed and passed her two shots, “Take these to their table.”

She found where Wonho and Minhyuk sat and approached their table. They were looking around for someone and barely noticed her. Minhyuk’s eyes glazed over her and she saw Wonho staring into space. She bent over and set the shots on their table loudly. They both turned at the same time to see her. For a moment they looked at her like she was someone else.

Once the recognition hit Minhyuk seized up like a statue and Wonho’s jaw dropped. He closed it immediately. Minhyuk remained wide eyed.

“Vy?” Minhyuk said.

“Yeah…”

Minhyuk and Wonho just stared at her with shocked expressions. She became uncomfortable and started to walk away when Minhyuk gently grabbed her hand.

“Please be careful, you look…too sexy,” Minhyuk almost sounded breathless.

Wonho stared at her unashamedly and only looked away when their eyes met.

“Guys keep your eyes on David will you,” Hyungwon said through the earpiece.

David sat alone two booths away looking purely dismal and anxious. He had a drink in his hand and sipped on it every few seconds.

Hyungwon spoke again through the earpiece, “I see two men approaching his booth, show time.”

Vy took their empty shot glasses and walked back to the bar. Hyungwon instructed her to go to David’s table and ask them if they needed anything. She walked over as the men sat down with David. It alarmed her when they looked around and stopped their gaze at Minhyuk and Wonho’s table.

“You guys need to look less static, they’re starting to stare,” Hyungwon’s voice said.

Vy approached the men with a flirty smile and distracted them for a moment. She overheard a bit of their conversation.

“Long time no see hey buddy? I hope after our long friendship, you wouldn’t fuck with us, you’re not fucking with us are you David?”

“N-no I’m not sir.”

“Good!” He clasped a hand around David’s shoulder and looked over at the other man, “Keep an eye out for unwanted guests."

She walked back to the bar and prayed they stopped noticing Wonho and Minhyuk. Hyungwon handed her a few drinks to pass around and she was about to pick up her tray when she noticed Soo making her way towards Minhyuk and Wonho. Her silky brown hair bounced lightly as she walked.

"What is she doing?" Hyungwon said.

Soo gracefully stepped into their booth and Wonho immediately clenched up. Vy was not sure what was happening.

That was when Soo went over to Minhyuk and placed a long slender leg beside him. She leaned over and stroked his face with a sexy pout and sat on his lap. Vy's stomach dropped to the floor as she saw Soo gyrating her hips against Minhyuk's body and touching him in every way possible. Soo leaned her chest close to Minhyuk's face and Vy heard a liquid cool voice in her ear.

"You're welcome, they won't watch you anymore."

Vy's face heated up as she saw Soo's lips run across Minhyuk's face. He was frozen. Her eyes then met with Soo and she could barely breathe. Hyungwon grew alarmed as he looked between Vy and their booth.

Wonho got up and stormed to the bar. He pretended to order a drink as Vy stood stock still. She felt like crying as every part of her wanted to tear Soo to shreds. When she saw the way Soo moved her body and how Minhyuk uncontrollably reacted, her heart broke into little pieces. Soo took Minhyuk’s hand and placed it on her chest, running it across her stomach.

Vy drank a shot from her tray and served all her tables in a flash. She became engrossed in her job and all she did was go back and forth without a second thought. Hyungwon and Wonho occasionally glanced at her wondering if she was okay but she ignored them.

When she got back for a third round a loud man approached her from behind. He slapped her rear and cupped it with his hand. She reflexively grabbed his wrist and twisted it as she turned to face him.

"What the fuck bitch?" He said rubbing his hand. He was greying and had a small entourage behind him wearing expensive suits.

"You're spending the night with me slut, come on now, give daddy a dance." He grabbed her arm and she refused to go with him.

The man started yelling at her and she noticed people begin to stare. She prayed for something to silence him before they created too much of a scene.

An arm wrapped around her shoulders, it was Wonho. He gave the man a wry grin.

"Sorry man, I paid her for a dance already."

Wonho pulled Vy away and they want to an empty table. The older man was still watching them with a glare. Wonho looked troubled but he ran his hand down her arm and whispered in her ear.

"I'm sorry...I thought this would be better than leaving you with him."

She finally realized what he was apologizing for and felt mortified at the thought. Her heart pulsed wildly and she looked over at Minhyuk who stared at their table. He looked like he was in pain. Soo was still sitting on his lap and played with his hair in an infuriating fashion. She took Minhyuk's face and put it between her breasts.

Vy set her tray down and took three shots. She pushed Wonho down onto the chair ignoring his shocked expression.

"Let's do this."