#like really this has to be the longest I've ever ranted so please don't read

[mienceri]

So I have a habit of venting to some of my friends the issues I’ve been having at work for the like the past almost two months now. One friend works at the same place that I work, just a different building. She’s also my roommate. 

We got these jobs thinking it was the best thing every and in the years we’ve worked here we’ve have total opposite experiences. My team has undergone so much changes and is no longer the same. Her team has changed for the better and even though she’s had her own ups and downs, her work experience has been great.

She’s been praised by her boss and her boss’s boss who all know her very well. She has great relationships with them and all her team mates. They value her work and she has been rewarded with more responsibility and sometimes monetarily. 

My experience, not so much. I have a very awkward relationship with my boss, given that I only speak to him once a month for like 2 minutes and he lives in another state, so I don’t see him everyday. 

In these past two months, two people have left our team; members from other locations have stepped in to work on the project remotely, but it’s not the same. I’ve been struggling to even complete my tasks and Ive been constantly criticized by my team lead for not finishing work on time, not prioritizing my tasks appropriately and spending too much time on one task. Point blank, I’m just working too slow for him.

Given, I don’t know intricately the day to day of her job and I’m aware of the fact that she has issues as well, but it’s not related to her team’s dynamic. It’s more task related and her frustration with having to work weekends occasionally and at odd hours at a time.

However, she’s noticed that I’ve complained way to much for her liking and I’ve come home mentally and emotionally drained. Many times when she has a great day or even just a normal day at work where i’ve had a bad one, me talking about it makes her impatient and annoyed. 

She gets really blunt with me. Offers me curt “advice” in the form of “Just apply for a new job”, “Just leave if you’re not happy”, “You really should leave”. And she’s been blowing me off more lately like this and even sometimes more curt than that if you can believe it. I don’t fault her for being annoyed with a person who is constantly complaining. I see the errors of my ways now and have decided to promptly stop complaining (to her atleast) especially when she’s in a good mood. I don’t want to be a toxic friend and I don’t want to bring anyone down with my negativity. I should have kept most of that shit to myself, but today I made a huge mistake at work that left me feeling super incompetent (adding to the struggles I’ve had just keeping up with my work load for the past two months). 

I complained about it and she just wrote me off. One friend tried to comfort me and she replied with “What she said” and changed the topic. When I saw that, I decided okay...I’m in no mood to talk about who had the day off for Columbus day (fucking racist ass holiday anyway) I announced that I would probably be MIA for a few days to just cool my head and she replied with a “Lordy, fine” and continued the conversation. 

Okay.

While I accept that I’m pessimistic, whiny, socially awkward, anxiety-overloaded bitch, I’m always fucking polite and do my best to never appear to be insensitive. Any other time I would have been okay that’s on me. I talk too much  but this time, this was actually a big fucking deal. 

On the side I texted my friend in the chat who saw this go down and was like...yo...she can really be insensitive! And she agreed. What I noticed about this insensitive friend, is that she can also be needy, clingy so to speak or greedy for attention. Because after I went quiet on the chat so did my other friend and she got so needy saying “Man, I need someone to talk to. I’m bored” then sent lonely memes and changed the group picture to spongebob sitting alone with some hot drink. Then changed her avatar to just blackness. Like...damn...whenever we have issues, you don’t want to deal, whenever you have issues we gotta run to you, talk to you, comfort you. When we want to wile out, whine, scream, vent, say fuck the world, you want to role your eyes and disassociate. 

I’m no longer going to tell this friend issues that I have in my life. I’ll save it for friends who actually don’t mind (and yeah I’ll learn not to whine and complain so much cuz that shit does get annoying) but real friends don’t mind so much and if they do mind, they won’t make you feel worse. 

She can just be my roommate and the occasional party friend. Real-friend approved status is now revoked. If I can’t share my issues with you (and bruh, I’m a pretty private person and I don’t share nearly as much as I could. I keep so much inside just for tumblr, my journal and the confines of my skull), that means I don’t fuck with you.

When she curt, upset when we call her out on her bs, or even just a bit too busy to talk at the moment, she wants to be like...FINE, yall ignoring me I’ma just leave and leaves the group chat. When we don’t want to do stuff that she wants to do, she gets mad and leaves. Like, we don’t need this childish behavior. We don’t need petty (but we always forgive those who are), but when we do that same, it’s a problem. 

But I swear, we won't have these problems anymore. I’m done giving her any attention that beyond courteous. I’m done. 

[iznitlovely]

I posted 215 times in 2022

2 posts created (1%)

213 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@teathattast

@takperlukot

@goodstuffhappenedtoday

@happyheidi

@worldlyfalseness

I tagged 4 of my posts in 2022

#personal - 2 posts

#post birthday rant - 1 post

#this is typical izni - 1 post

#who even am i - 1 post

#all that you see of me is fake - 1 post

#i specifically made this personality for you - 1 post

#cant believe this is a universal phenomenon - 1 post

#i learned so much by reading lemony snickets works - 1 post

#why are all these taehyung gifs suddenly appearing on my dashboard? - 1 post

#im not complaining tho - 1 post

Longest Tag: 67 characters

#why are all these taehyung gifs suddenly appearing on my dashboard?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#2

the usual existential crisis following a birthday

I went home for a week and everything was great, life feels amazing and slow. The minute I came back and stepped into my bedroom in KL, I seem to have regressed and am currently at the same place I was before. It was like time have stopped or hit on pause and I'm just back to where I was. Damn. I have no desire to do anything. I just want to lie in bed.

I don't even know what is this. I don't think it's depression or anything serious. I still get my job done, I still eat and drink. I don't have suicidal thoughts or anything.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am just starting to investigate and discover who I am. I am a mess. I thought I knew who I was but it was just a projection of who I wanted other people to see. A friend texted me happy birthday and said I was the most kindhearted person they know. All I could think was, "Really? Maybe it's just the person I want you to see". I kind of make up these different personalities for each person I see. Always wanted to be liked.

My sister said each of us has a Monica (from Friends) attribute to them. I have the people-pleaser gene. Ilham has the competitive-ness. Ikhlas has the attention to detail and tidiness. I can't help but think that it's so true.

Also, I did the Enneagram personality test. Got type 9. Let me tell you, I cried the whole time reading the description. Because it was so so true. I hate it so much, but it's so true. We are self-sabotagers. We will never be truthful to keep the 'peace'.

"Being a separate self, an individual who must assert herself against others, is terrifying to Nines."

0 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I am a hypocrite

Just like the title suggests, I realised I'm a hypocrite. Not really true, I think I've known all my life. I'm just finally admitting it.

Watched The Good Place recently and here's what I've learned. I am a bad person. My motivations are always flawed and not genuine. People who think I'm a good person, are wrong. I am just not a good person. I've never really shown my true self to anyone, except for my sister probably(?). Besides her, all I've ever shown anyone is the version I want them to think of me. It's all just a facade. I don't think I will ever find someone who I trust enough to show all the parts of me. That's part of the reason I have multiple tumblrs, twitters, and instagram accounts. I just needed to section my life like that. For god knows what reason.

The thing is, people can't handle the 'real' you. No, what they want is someone who adheres to the rules of society. Or to their version of perfection. I am a different person to my mom, my boss, my friends, or random strangers. I think I just adjust myself according to the person I'm talking to. Surprise! I'm not like that.

My 'people pleasing' disease is at its worst I guess. That's why I needed something to hide behind. Or else, people would just see the worst parts of me. And I don't want that.

0 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

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