#like literally my injury was called a “repetitive sports injury” by my doctor at first LOL

[finelinens1994]

just so you know i'm taking a hiatus from drawing so that my wrist tendinitis can heal :') it sucks because i really miss drawing but the swelling is down sooo much so i'm just going to continue giving it time to rest and do rehab for it. hopefully i'll be able to draw comfortably by the end of the month and just continue prioritizing good treatment Forever after that yippee

[sanderssides-springfling]

for @jadelikestodraw

Synopsis

Roman is a ballerina, and an advanced one at that. One day a teacher pushes him too hard during cheer practise and he is left to pick up the pieces of a potentially career ruining injury with only the help of his twin Remus.

Story

“One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight. Point your toes Roman! Really lift that back foot Jessica! …two, three, four, Get ready, and finish!” Roman stood, posed and panting, but not letting his face drop before Ms Alex said. “Alright guys, great last runthrough, this is really coming together.” He let his arm drop, and sat on the floor for a minute with his head in between his knees before getting up off the floor. Everyone else was filing out of the studio, saying their farewells to Ms Alex, and promising to practice. Roman pulled some sweatpants on over his tights, and a coat over his t-shirt. He knew Remus would be waiting for him, and they didn’t like waiting. 

“Thanks Ms Alex, see you tomorrow.” Roman waved as he left, still red in the face from the night’s hard work. 

“Good night Roman, make sure you practise your pirouettes en pointe, I want full turns, not three quarters.” Roman smiled at the critique as he walked out the door, starting to scan the half full car park for Remus. Not yet having seen them, he heard a car honk its horn at him, and instinctively turned to see Remus pulling out of a parking space, ready to take him home. 

“Hey.” Roman jumped in the passenger seat, trying to ignore the cheshire grin on Remus’s face. “What are you smiling at?” He shoved them in the arm when they didn’t stop grinning.

“Oh you know, nothing much.” Their smile widened as they pulled away from the car park. Roman shuffled in his seat. “Nope, you can’t hit me anymore, I’m the driver.” His plans foiled, Roman flipped them off instead. 

“Hey Ree, my favourite twin on the face of the planet?”

“Mcdonalds or KFC?” Remus rolled their eyes.

“Why do you assume that I want you to take me through the drive through, why can’t I just be saying that I love you?” Roman pouted.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll just take you home to the leftover lamb and mushroom stew mum made.”

“Okay I’m sorry, you were right, please take me to Mcdonalds! I can’t eat more of mum’s cooking.” Remus smirked in success.

“Alright, but since I’m your favourite twin, you can buy my food as well.” Roman nodded eagerly, glad to be getting edible food.

“All joking apart though Ree, you really are the best twin ever.”

***

“And what if you don’t get into this school Roman, what will you do then? Because you don’t sound like you have a real plan?” 

“It doesn’t matter what I would do if I didn’t get in, because I am going to get in.” Roman retorted. He hated how his parents would ambush him. Everything about his future was certain, it was planned to a tee, why did they need to continually remind him that they thought he would fail?

“But how can you be sure? What if you got injured? Or you just didn’t make it? There’s a lot of talented dancers out there Roman, dancers who are stronger, more athletic, have better stamina, or better technique than you, and you have no idea how many of the dancers that are better than you are going to be applying to this school when applications open. Get your head out of your ass and realise that life doesn’t dance to your tune.”

“I can’t stand it when you do this! Why can’t you just be encouraging for once in my life? Why do you always have to remind me that you don’t think I’m good enough?” Roman stormed out of the sitting room, and ran up the stairs into Remus’s room.

“What the hell Roman?!” Remus turned around as Roman’s guard fell. “Roman?” Their parents were such dicks.

***

Cheer practise was Roman’s favourite part of the school day. It was the only time he got to spend with Remus, as it was their only shared interest. Luckily, a practice rarely went smoothly, so there was always some sort of gossip to chew on.

That day, the gossip was going to be how Roman would not hold this stunt. It was his fifth attempt in a row that he dropped Kayleigh, and it was starting to get dangerous to her. Not that she ever said that; she was so supportive, encouraging him every time he messed up to try again, and giving him pointers on how he could support her better. After all, it was his job to support her and keep her in the air. On their sixth repetition of the lift, the first half went well. Roman would go as far as to say it went really well. But then, he turned, just as he had the other five times he had done that stunt on that day, and the countless other times he had done that stunt on other days. But unlike all the other days and attempts, something went wrong. He didn’t know what, because in his mind, the timeline went like this: really good first half, turn, blinding pain, he was on the floor and Kayleigh had been caught by the spotter.

He tried to curl into a ball, but pulling his knee to his chest hurt like hell, so he did the next best thing; he got up. Remus was there to support him, but as soon as he was off the mat, Remus sat him back down, not listening to Roman’s arguments. Then the coach was there, inspecting his knee, bending it much farther than was comfortable, but Roman’s head was so consumed with the pain that he couldn’t form the words “ouch that hurts”. Maybe the look on his face told coach and Remus the amount of pain he was in, but Remus disappeared, and came back with painkillers and water. Holding Roman’s hand, they helped him take the pills, before making sure that he took a long drink. 

“Aww, you even got my water bottle!” Roman cooed, eyes wide and teary from the pain.

“You bet I did, no way in hell am I letting your mouth anywhere near my bottle. That’s like indirectly kissing you.” They huffed a small laugh, but the joke seemed to fly over Roman’s head. “I’m gonna have to go bro, we’ve got some practicing to do, but I’ll be back soon, I promise.” They patted Roman on the head before running back onto the mat. Watching the team, his team, do a full out without him made Roman’s heart shatter, and by the time Remus was walking off the mat back towards him, he was pulling himself up on the wall, ready to get back into the routine.

“Ro, where are you going?” Remus joked warily.

“The mat.” Roman gritted his teeth, putting a little pressure on his right leg to see if he could walk on it. 

“Oh no you’re not.” Remus grabbed Roman around the waist, not letting him move, and caught the attention of the coach, who saw Roman standing up and came running over.

“I can do the routine!” Roman half yelled when he saw the coach coming over. “Remus, let go of me!”

“Roman Sanders where the hell do you think you’re going?” The coach barked.

“To the mat. It’s only a sprained ankle, I can still perform.” Both Remus and the coach looked bewildered as they processed Roman calling his injured knee (which was by then the size of a considerable melon) a sprained ankle. 

“Remus?” The coach turned to Remus, who still had their arms wrapped around Roman’s waist. “Take him to the ER.” Remus nodded, and maneuvered his arm under Roman’s shoulders to help him walk.

“Please coach, I’ll be fine, I can still do the routine!” Roman protested, but Remus shushed him as they collected both of their belongings. 

“Ro, please stop fighting this. Something is wrong. Your knee is literally the size of a melon, and you need to go to the emergency room.” Hearing Remus plead with him indicated to Roman how serious they were, as well as how worried, and he hung his head.

“Fine, I’ll go to the emergency room.”

***

“From the MRI scan, it would seem like you have a radial tear in your meniscus.” The doctor said. “This will require physiotherapy, and due to the nature of the tear is also likely to need surgery in the future. In the meantime, Mr Sanders, a nurse will be down soon to bandage your leg, and give you a knee brace, and you will be discharged tonight with some crutches and a prescription for codeine.”

“So, um, this is kind of weird, but will I be able to dance on it?” Roman’s face fell as the doctor shook her head.

“I am terribly sorry, Mr Sanders, but you really should take it easy until you have your surgery, and any sports should be avoided, which sadly includes dancing and cheerleading.” Roman couldn’t speak, so Remus thanked the doctor as she left, before turning to Roman.

“Hey bro, it’s gonna be okay.” They placed a hand on Roman’s and squeezed, letting Roman cry at them until the nurse came to bandage his leg.

When he was discharged, Remus told Roman to wait inside until he brought the car closer to the door, but Roman insisted on going with them, as a chance to get used to using the crutches. “After all,” he joked, “School isn’t the most forgiving place to learn how to walk again.”

In the car on the drive home, Roman was silent. Remus wasn’t feeling ecstatic themselves, but they tried to cheer Roman up, until it became clear that that wasn’t going to happen, at which point they put on the radio and drove the rest of the way home in silence.

Their parents didn’t say anything when they got home from work to see Roman on crutches and a little high on residual morphine from the hospital, but Remus could tell that they were dying to make a quip about how they warned Roman to have a backup for when he failed at dance. They didn’t think that Roman could take being broken down again after everything that had already happened that day. The other thing Remus knew was that Roman still had dance at 7, and that Roman wouldn’t miss it for the world, even though he had been told in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to dance on his knee. When Remus went to ask if Roman still needed a ride, they found him curled up, or as curled up as one can be with a knee brace, on his bed, crying into the bear they had got him when he first got the lead role in a recital nearly three years ago. 

“So,” Roman looked up, wiping the tears from his cheeks before seeing Remus, and dropping his head back to the pillow. “Do you want to tell Ms Alex in person or over the phone?” Remus sat on the bed next to Roman, and placed their hand on his back before Roman rolled over, looking at them in contemplative silence for a minute.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Do you want honesty, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?” 

“Honesty.” Roman muttered, inviting Remus to share their honest opinion. 

“Well then, honestly, I think you owe it to her to tell her in person. Not that it’s your fault, but knowing you, I think you’ll chicken out over the phone. You’ll think you’re a failure and you have to protect the school from your fault.” Roman stayed silent, not knowing how to respond to the brutal honesty. “Now come on, I’ll give you a lift.”

***

When Roman walked into the dance studio still in his cheer uniform, nobody’s heads turned. But when Jessica whispered the word “crutches”, it rippled round the room and everyone was jumping to their feet. In less than a minute, Roman was surrounded by everyone, asking him what had happened, when can he dance again, can he still do the recital. It was almost too much, and Roman was oh so close to turning around and running out the door as fast as he could before Ms Alex saw the commotion. So when he felt the familiar, heavy hand of Remus on his shoulder, there no longer only in spirit to support him, he asked his question:

“Is Ms Alex here?”

Surely enough, the group parted and gestured to the office, with mumbles of “she’s having tea” and “she’s in there”. And as Roman and Remus made their way across the studio, everyone returned to their warm ups, despite their eyes remaining on their injured lead.

Roman’s hand hovered above the door for too long, and he gave a pleading glance to Remus, who acknowledged it with a light knock on the office door. They entered together, and Roman sat in the chair opposite his teacher, whose cheery disposition had turned cold the minute she had seen Roman’s crutches.

“What happened Roman?” Her voice was caring despite the coldness in the room.

“I- It was cheer. I was lifting Kayleigh, and I…” He trailed off, knowing that the story had been conveyed. Ms Alex took a sip of her tea, assessing what question she could ask.

“And what’s the damage?”

“A torn meniscus. No dancing, no cheer, no application for college, and probably surgery, depending on how the physio goes.” He took a deep breath, but it was shaky, and he knew his nerve was failing him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I should’ve been more careful, the recital is only a month away, and I’ve messed it up for everyone. I’m so sorry.” 

“Remus, would you give me a moment alone with your brother please?” Remus obliged, shutting the office door behind them.

“Now you listen to me Roman, there is absolutely nothing that could have been done to prevent this. Is it unfortunate? Yes! Do I wish it hadn’t happened? You bet your backside! But do I blame you, even in the slightest? Never. This injury is way out of your control, and I would be a bad teacher if I let you continue to blame it on yourself. Oh, and one more thing! Don’t you dare think that you’ve gone and let us down by getting injured. We’re a team, and you have an understudy. You need to focus all of this energy that you’re putting into blaming yourself, and focus it on getting that knee better for next year.” She smiled, letting Roman process everything she had just said. “But, if you ever need something to fill your time in with, the studio door is always open as long as there’s a class on, and the younger pupils would love you to come and help teach.” Roman wiped at his eyes. “You inspire them, y’know. All of you do, but especially you Roman. Do you know how many boys I have in my junior class this year? Eight, and do you know how many of them said they want to be as good of a dancer as you? Every single one of them. You inspire young boys Roman, and even through this hardship, you will continue to be an inspiration to them as you peel yourself up off the ground and continue to fight for your passion.” Roman had no response, but every bone in his body was telling him to get out of that room before he let something slip out and he revealed how scared he was.

“Thank you, Ms Alex. I’ll see you around.” And he left.

As soon as he was out of the studio, he shut down. His muscles were shaking, tears were rolling from his eyes at an alarming rate, and he felt like he needed to hit something. So he punched the wall. Again and again until his knuckles were bloody and his emotions were gone.

“You quite finished? Only I wouldn’t mind getting some food.” Hearing Remus’s voice behind him, so carefree and normal, reignited all of the anger that Roman had managed to extinguish on the wall.

“How dare you? How dare you talk down to me like that? I would give anything to be in your shoes right now! You have no idea how easy you have it, you’re the best on the team in cheer, and mum and dad love you more because you’re the special one that uses they/them pronouns and doesn’t have a gender anymore! You make my life a living hell! I wish I hadn’t been born a twin!” Roman was shaking on his crutches.

“Ro…” Remus’s face had fallen, and their eyes were sheened and ready to burst.

“I don’t want your sympathy! Just leave me alone.” He stormed off. It was the only thing he could think of to stop himself from causing more damage. When he heard the sobs from Remus, he forced himself to keep looking forwards, not to turn back, because if he turned back he would be reminded of how angry he was, and he didn’t want to hurt Remus. He never wanted to hurt Remus. Ever. And now he had, and they would never forgive him. 

***

Remus was frozen. They were hurt, that was definitely a fact, but they didn’t know what to do. Ever since they had started to come out, a process which had taken nearly five years in total, they had faced backlash from nearly everyone. Roman was the one person who never batted an eyelid when a new identity was presented to him.

Remus was gay: cool, probably same?

Remus was asexual: didn’t see that one coming, but I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me.

Remus was questioning: I’m here to support you every step of the way, whatever you need, whatever the outcome.

Remus was non-binary: cool, I have a sibling now! what are your pronouns? Would you explain a little more so I can understand your use of the label? 

Remus was agender: no idea what that one means, but I trust you to explain to me so that I can support you even more. I’m proud of you for coming out.

Remus was demisexual: I’m glad you found a label that you think fits, but I am really running out of ways to encourage my support and love for you every time you come out, so if there’s a next time you may just get a “yay!” but it holds all of my love and support for you as much as any other speech I’ve given you.

But now: now he was saying that through all of their time questioning, through all of the insults and abuse they had faced, and through the rejection from their parents, that they were the lucky one, just because he had a knee injury. Roman never had a problem getting on the cheer squad, because he was male, and he took a male role. But Remus had to fight, when their parents told the school out of spite, they had to fight tooth and nail to get onto that squad, because there’s never been a trans cheerleader before, what role do we give them?

But despite the hurt, Remus knew Roman didn’t mean what he said, and though they were going to seriously go off at him, they hoped that everything would be alright. But, before they could do that, they had to find him. 

***

Roman luckily still had his headphones with him, but that didn’t stop him from hearing the car pulling up beside him. When he looked across to see Remus in the driver’s seat, he didn’t stop, not wanting to hear how much he had upset them. 

“Get in.” Remus called.

“I’d rather walk.” Roman continued along the path, but it was another three miles until he would be home, and that seemed like an awfully long way on crutches that he still wasn’t very good at using.

“You seem to think I’m asking. Get in the fucking car.” Roman knew he owed them, so he stopped and climbed in the passenger seat.

“Before I start driving again, I want you to know that right now I am really fucking mad at you, and I am going to shout at you.” Remus pulled away from the curb.

“That’s understandable.”

“But before I do that, we’re going through the drive through because I’m hungry, and you’re paying.” Roman grumbled something in return, but didn’t dare repeat it when Remus asked him to.

***

Over their food, Roman started to apologise, but Remus stopped him.

“Nope, you don’t get to apologise without knowing how much you’re apologising for. You were the only one who ever supported me. Mum and dad hate me, they’re only letting me stay under their roof until I’m eighteen, then I have to be gone. You stood up for me, and I trusted you, but you acted just the same as every other person who has, both metaphorically and physically, tried to beat me with a stick for being different. And I earned my spot in the cheer squad. I fought ten times as hard as anyone else did to get onto the squad, not least to get a mat position. I don’t expect you to understand, I never have, but just because you’re hurting doesn’t mean you get to pull that bullshit on me and go nuclear.” Remus took a drink of their milkshake. “Now you may apologise.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I know I went nuclear on you, and I have no excuse, and I’m not even going to try and make one. But, I need to tell you that everything I said was a lie, I wasn’t thinking and I used whatever weapons I had to cause destruction, and I accidentally destroyed you instead of me. I am so sorry, and I would completely understand if you wanted to punch me, or maybe beat me with a stick, or…” Remus smiled, and soon they were both laughing. 

“Thank you.” Remus said, causing Roman to calm down.

“What for?” 

“For being supportive. You’re a pretty great brother, even though you can go a bit ‘I will destroy myself and anyone that gets in the way is a casualty’ sometimes.” They both started laughing again, but more subdued. The kind of quiet, calm laughter that can end a conversation into a comfortable silence.

“Let’s go home Ree.”

“Okay Ro. Let’s go home.”

[serak-sarak-meta-sarahk]

As a Model I Got Stalked by a Porn Cam Girl Who Couldn’t Let Go of Her High School Ex Boyfriend in College and How I Dealt

So for those who don’t know, on top of modeling I was an elite springboard and platform diver, in the Olympic track. Technically I left modeling for sports after modeling got scary, but I still dabbled in the clean side of the industry.

I technically started being recruited by The University of Alabama by age 14 years old, well that was my first real trip to campus anyways.

I liked the University of Alabama, because their art program is located near Birmingham, which is an indie designer fashion hub of America. After watching Project Runway on binge growing up, I wanted to support the industry there.

However, as soon as I got to campus on my first or second night I was asked on the team who I would either make out with or hook up with before I knew any of the guys on the team, or girls if I were to go that way for a matter of fact. I was also coming off a myriad of injuries that were half attended to with doctors, after my dad left. My mother lied and said we didn’t have health insurance anymore.

So, I get to campus, and meet this guy Joseph James Pursley (DOB: 10/21/1994, causasion male). On the first day, I didn’t realize he was our head coaches son, because I was a diver and his father was a swimming coach. I told my teammates that I thought he was cute, they told me he was the head coaches son. Hearing how psychopathic our new head swim coach was from the rest of the team before showing up, I wrote him off.

To be fair, Joseph James Pursley does suffer from a myriad of drug and alcohol addictions. I’ve watched him pound a full bottle of wine in one sitting then run to the shower to barf. He would ask me to act out rape scenes with him, because it turned him on according to him. On spring break, I woke up from a daytime vacation nap to him passed out barfing in and breaking the rental home shower once. He uses these things called whippets to get high. He was the mens team Vyvanse supplier when he wasn’t even on scholarship to be on the team. He once punched a crack in his own car windshield as I gave him a sober ride home. He would openly tell me how much he wanted to die or join the military to get me to help him with his homework. He has a cocaine addiction. He once kicked a girl in a twister costumer to the floor on Halloween. And, he wouldn’t let me break up with him, ever. As hard as I tried.

By the end of this relationship I was waking up everyday in panic attacks, or ending the night with anxiety attacks over what JJ Pursley thought of himself while he used drugs. He would do cocaine and speak out of his head. He would else me into sex while he was on psychedelics and I was not. Police were getting called to his home and I would have to go over to try to help during my workday, not mine. Below is an image of what he did to my face. I asked him no repetitively 5 times before I was thrown into the asphalt concrete. Essentially, I was waking up everyday fighting for my own life or having an anxiety attack over what JJ was going to make me do in the night while I slept.

Anytime I talk to police about this situation I get light headed and almost pass out. My mother knew his father where she was from, so she does little to advocate for me at all.

However, I now have advocacy groups working to protect me in the state of Texas from JJ Pursley and everyone still connected to him. I’ve just never known how well these avenues work for kids frok.places like where I’m from.

Time and time again, the United States has shown that no one gives a fuck to help the little kids from the projects of Cincinatti and we do nothing to warrant it. I am hoping that this political shift brings that, if nothing else at all, for once, actually representing kids from the projects.

And what they actually have to fight through to survive and what their usually single parents have to do to get them out of it. One parent is always a hard addict and the other can never seem to do enough to get their own family resources. For me my mother was a HARD addict in the state of Kentucky for a LONG time. After the things I saw my mom do to herself, I don’t even understand how she is alive. I’m always pushing my mom to get clean, but fact of the matter is, she never stays clean. She will scream she hates drugs as she is abusing them behind closed doors. Diet pills, injectables, painkiller pills, alcohol, whatever she can get her hands on.

My mother has also been getting model sued for the greater portion of her adult life whenever she starts using again. Which seems to be anytime I leave the door to start life on my own. Then, I deal with the ramifications of my mom being an addict. I CANNOT LEAVE MY HOUSE IN AMERICA WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF BEING AN ADDICT BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER. AND. I. AM. SOBER.

No one thinks this is real, but when you get out of the projects, people try to attack you and your kids through their whole lives as you progress beyond it. Because there is a side of the country who thinks kids from the projects don’t deserve to get out of it.

Two weeks after I arrived at school, his father paired us in the same team building group. He seemed fairly normal this day as a person, but then again he was also sober this day to my knowledge as we were required to be as far as I knew. Then he began pursuing me at parties.

One night, when I was the sober driver for the team, he asked me to give him rides to pick up his friends because his cell phone minutes were apparently out at the time. I later learned that his parents had to put him on minutes because of his addiction to naked images of girls from his high school. He would tell me how guys in his high school would fill their phones up with nudes and then trade Sim cards so that everyone got a little bit of every girls nude images. So, his parents had to move him mid year of school from Arizona to Alabama.

He didn’t tell me it was this serious until after we started dating and his personal porn girl began attacking me directly. I am a girl who had never sent nudes at all by college.

I grew up primarily Hellenist as my religion, and this is something WE DO NOT DO within hellenism. Strictly, I was told our gods would be angered at me if I ever shot nude for a man in a porn sense or sent full porn type nudes to a man for his sexual attention unless it was my boyfriend or full time partner that I trusted to protect me.

He just told me that he had gotten into some trouble in high school, however he had gotten accepted by the coaches onto the team, so I figured he was trying to do better. I was never told to judge people by their past mistakes. However, in JJ Pursleys case, I wish I had.

We actually did become friends before we dated. We would actually spend sober platonic time together, but I also hung out with his roommates so I didn’t think he was a danger to me. In short, I wasn’t scared of a digital pimp.

The first time we “hooked up” we only really made out, and then the next day he told me he had a girlfriend that he hadn’t mentioned previously while getting to know me. After he told me,I told him u was sorry and made up an excuse to leave the situation. So, all was good and dandy. Then the party stalking began.

I coukd not attend a team party in the same room as JJ Pursley without him eventually finding himself standing directly behind me or three feet away from me trying to talk. If I would give him the time of day, he woukd follow me around the party like a lost dog. Then I started noticing how alcoholic he was. He would borrow my car to take his friends to smoke in it without me attending with them.

He would find ways to place himself in the same places as me. However, he was uninterested in leaving the dorm to try any of the clubs I had joined to try tonget acquainted to campus outside of athletics and the inter team hook up culture that was going on within my team.

I for some reason, forgot what level of model I was in college as I was trying ti focus on school and athletics for the four years. But, the team culture still creeped me out. I guess that was just the modeling in me still holding me close to my morals, I’m thankful I did it this way.

A few months into the semester my phone was thrown onto the floor out of my locker by a teammate or a call vibrated it out of my locker. Being a student athlete, I couldn’t afford a new one at the time, so JJ Pursmey gave me his old phone. This girl, Kelley Vivas, had probably sent 100-300 Streams of naked images of her rolling around naked on a workout ball alone in her room, not even working out.

It was literally quote comical to see. When i firstly the images I was like, “hmm what are you doing there???” The positions she was in in order to show her coochie angle to the camera seemed so uncomfortable. Isn’t a workout ball for working out? Zhe woukd be making like angry faces in the images trying to be sexy. It was really just something as they say.

I had never seen another girls nudes at this point, I was shocked.

By winter break, I was able to throw the phone away. Luckily the girl was over 18 according to JJ at the time he gave me the phone. I threw it out anyways, and she wanted to be there doing that. I’m pretty sure that’s still how she makes “her living.” So I did what I can to not get involved with it.

I actually never revenge porned the girl even though she had me non consensually revenge porned for simple dating her ex, when I never even sent her nudes. I was just like, “Holy shit, this is EXTREMELY embarrassing for this girl Kelley. I’m just gonna not and get rid of the phone.”

But then, even though I didn’t revenge porn her after being handed her nudes in the age of revenge porn, she would still attack me. Now her and all of her local friends have protections set up by me where I can call police if they try to get near me at all. JJ Pursley as well.

Luckily the Texas DAS office let me look up all their information and submit it in for protections. Then, a stalking advocacy group took over this portion of my life for me. So I do feel safer, now.

Just knowing I can pick up my phone and have them arrested if they even get near me, is a ton of solace after this situation. I thought I was I’m a literal living hell after seeing this girl naked and how much she wanted to attack me into oblivion for simply dating someone.

I would make him go on walks with me. We would go to the movies with groups of people. We would eat. He would take me to stores or shopping centers driving wise. But this girl just would not stop. I have no clue where her psychology us at after being a porn cam girl, which is why I had to report her to police.

It wa super creepy and I was honestly afraid she was getting ready to seek me out. She would acreenshot my social images of me on spring break during the second semester of college and send send to him as if she was going to use them for something. And now her whole life is a revolving lawsuit luckily for me. I don’t don’t think she was loved to finish out her college degree.

She has no job listed online, and she still tries to attack my character. I’m unsure why, she sees how bad JJ Pursleys life has gotten, how does she not realize that she is next. I was tying to help her by not forwarding her nudes to anyone. But I guess she was mad because she likes being a porn star? That’s fine with me, but you can’t attack non-porn stars for not wanting to join you.

I’m not sure if this girl was a part of a wider network, but she’s about to be a Jeffrey Epstein cronie by age 24. If she’s not already, I felt so bad reporting her, but the advocacy group and DAS office gladly took the information from me. That was a HUGE step forward in feeling safety in my own life again as a model.

Personally, I did make a plan to jump from the roof of my dormitory dormitory the ground after this girl began attacking me. I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE, AT ALL. I have gotten multiple rounds of therapy for what Kelley Vivas and Joseph James Pursley did in my life as I was trying to start art school, my whole dream after being born in projects as a kid.

Luckily, after receiving therapy and getting better, I still have my modeling career and my art career. And I don’t struggle to get jobs in fashion or art still. My contracts have actually begun protecting my personal images and creative content for me online after how many times both women and men began stalking me with bad intentions. THIS WAS A MASSIVE BLESSING IN MY LIFE.

So immediately then after the attacks began, I knew I was going to have to report the situation eventually to either my contracts or police. I happen to have such a huge modeling contract established when I was a child that my family has it protected by a bank. Some models do have their contracts protected, if they are large enough at a young age. My family personally doesn’t speak about the intricacies of my specific contract for how large it got so young. I’ve started telling people small parts of it so they will leave me alone, but the rest of my contract is in a bank vault at what brands were willing to offer me at such a young age for my good nature and ability to always try to do the right thing.

My family, after my childhood, is extremely proud of me for this and they remind me daily, weekly. And monthly of how proud of me they are for my work in modeling alone.

It got so huge so fast for me that I had to hide inside of my home after a while. Eventually, the world got safer for highly talented kids and now I just get my big drops at home.

I do really miss going to a set, but shooting from home helps keep me safe from the types of men that used to be kept around modeling sets or would sneak their way onto set.

I also began looking up free scientific mental health resources online so that I wouldn’t fold in on my own mental health while moding, and could laugh about situations such as these.

Any time I catch myself doing something out of character for me and my career. I get therapy, get online resources, get free hot lines. Then I move on.

Again, growing up within the modeling industry, I was ALWAYS told by my dad’s model friends and the Cincinatti Ballet that I DID NOT NEED OR HAVE TO DO PORN TO SURVIVE. They very much advised against it with me, and any guy who has ever tried or threatened me into it, has no life now financially. I cannot thank these people enough for their guidance.

In business, JJ Pursley with a degree, was offered offered $22k base salary and them promptly almost lost his sales job, because no one would buy from him.before finishing my degree, I was offered a 40k base salary after freelancing through college, for a role where I didn’t even have to make sales at the job.

Now, I’m getting modelng contracts and job offers galore now that I have my degree completed out after going through this while trying to finish a collegiate degree out. I cannot say thank you enough to the people who kept a pulse on the EXTREMELY DANGEROUS situation for a model of my level and helped to pull me out of it once I could break free.

I am extremely proud of myself for surviving this, this felt like one of the biggest tests of my life so far. It was an extreme every day stressor while I attempted to complete my college courses, and I wasnt even attacking anyone.

Now, I can only laugh about it. Now, that I know larger organizations are working on the issue. I feel immensely safer now that this new wave of police and legislative system know this story.

But then again, JJ Pursely himself, began being followed by police before the relationship was even over. He has now been removed from SEC athletic football games, and almost arrested on the streets, by police.

So back to the story. At the time, JJ was telling me how much he hated being this way and how much he was trying to not be a porn and drug/alcohol addict verbally. He would tell me that he wanted to kill himself over this girls attachment to sending him nudes. So, I tried to help him in early work ways as best as I could. No one deserves to die over this. But I still haven’t heard of JJ Pursley and Kelley Vivas being forced into rehab, and JJ almost gets arrested on the street.

Yes, porn is not illegal, but trying to force a model into it is. I couldn’t tell JJ how big of a model I was.

During the relationship he woukd se the quality if my contracts and start to wonder about what was going on. But, I kept it a secret from him because of the lorn addiction attached to him and how much he would beg me to do it for him.

Kelley Vivas on the other hand, was a dancer I guess. I’m learning from this situation and others, that a lot of ballet or those types of dancer dancers actually engage in full porn type shooting or sex work outside of their jobs. Let me make this clear, not pole dancing, full porn and sugar daddy’s type stuff. I feel bad that they have to do this to get paid, but get a second legal job if dance doesn’t pay enough.

That is exactly what I do. Sometimes I get 3-5 legal jobs or contract position to not do porn or sex work when I’m not modeling. I know tons of other dancers who work 3-5other jobs on top LEGAL dance as well. I’m only approached by ballerinas for prostitution, still. Ballerinas mostly, approach me in public and try to tell me sex work is okay.

I left Ballet to model when the outsiders beginning targeting me shit started because I didn’t like it. My modeling contract is now protected by a bank vault vault yall can’t get it.

The Cincinatti Ballet is the only Ballet I trust. The Cincinatti Ballet and my contracts. The women and men at Cincinatti Ballet and within my personal modeling contracts told me I NEVER needed to do porn. They would only side hug me and tell me how beautiful I was. They were not upset at me for leaving dance after what men tried to do to me because of it. I would still dance for this Ballet troop if I could even meet their standards for human beings.

The dancers from the Cincinatti Ballet would pull me to the side as a little girl and show me the dance hall asking me if I even knew how beautiful I was as a very very young girl. And they gave me the confidence to never need to do porn or give into Sugar Daddy culture. All because a Ballet troop showed me how much they cared about children NOT having to do that.

I cannot thank the Cincinatti Ballet enough for dropping in on my practices as a child or finding me at their shows and walking me through the hall making me feel poised and confident enough to rise above it.

So after I initially was beginning to date JJ Pursley and trying to hear him out about how he wanted to change as a human himself, I thought I would give him a chance to change. He didn’t. And that’s okay, I hope he gets mental health help.

Once Joseph James Pursley decided that I was a better option than his ex, he began trying to break up with her. I guess fearing that she would lose her already set Porn career, she woukd threaten to kill herself to him as he broke up with her. She would literally threaten to kill herself for her high school boyfriend breaking up with her.

So then eventually JJ Purey did enough work to get her in the back burner, and he actually started making an effort to get out of the home with me. He woukd take me to my car appointments to get my car serviced at the time. He woukd take me in fast food dates. He woukd teach me how to skateboard again outside, etc. Once we got his cam girl ex out of the picture, we actually started having a pretty wholesome time with others. Then the attacks began.

She would call him telling him that she was going to hang up and kill herself if he broke up with her on the phone call. JJ Pursley would be on the phone crying and asking her to not kill herself over their break up. This part was actually really sad.

JJ would start hanging up and telling me that he wanted to die or join the military, because of what Kelley Vivas, the cam girl, was making him go through.

And she still stalks him. This part if the story I actually feel bad for him.

I don’t feel bad for his addictions. That’s the part I don’t feel bad for him for.

Let me preface, I sometimes do put filters over my social media images, because technically my face is trademarked or protected under brands. So if someone were to catfish trying to be me, or use my face and body as intercultural property without ler.ission from my contracts, they woukd get sued. So, at that time I would filter my photos in order to avoid becoming the subject of someone’s catfish over another.

I’m sure this girl would say, “well I’d didn’t know it was like that,” now. But she shouldn’t have to know it’s like that to not be a psychopath.

She began messaging JJ Purey how ugly I was. Calling out my filters on my photos. Reminding him that they had child names picked out. Eventually, JJ showed me it all. He would tell me how delusional this woman was and how wrong she was when he told me.

But at least he made sure to let me know some psychopathic girl was about to drive in from Arizona.

She eventually began requesting that JJ Pursley shoot revenge porn of me for their high school hometown of Phoenix, Arizona. Because I woukd refuse to send JJ any nudes as his girlfriend. I was actually very adimate against sending them to him.

Then JJ Pursley made the conscious decision to film me during a compromising moment via the app Snapchat, which is apparently trackable. I know my blog is being followed by my brands only now. So I do feel safer, now.

This girl just would not stop. We were dating 3 years later and age woukd still try to reach out to him. Luckily, I was able to follow and screenshot her and her friends socials until they got found out in order to protect myself.

These girls even sent their friend to stalk me on campus at my own university and laugh in my face… they stalked and abused a blind girl via social media.

Eventually, after these women got found out, they were forced to join community service organizations.

I have no clue if the girl, Kelley Vivas, was even allowed to finish out her collegiate degree via The University of Arizona, however she was supposed to be a medical professional. And she eas threatening suicide to a man over a break up when they didn’t even live in the same state anymore.

So my best advice if you are in a situation like this and scared to get out of it, fearing death, tell police. Tell therapists, tell your parents, tell your friends.

Tell anyone you can about how you tried to get away. Work hard or seemingly difficult busimess type or learning jobs to try to take over your mind.

It gets extremely stressful and downright CREEPY in your life if you let people do this to you or approach you with these intentions. I quit my sport and my dream major, left and separated myself and pretended it wasn’t happening unless to defend myself.

I was super lucky that my next major was also a dream to me and made my mind actually feel good again. But I did research it super hard before transferring into it, so I knew it would be that way. I am still EXTEEMELY THANKFUL for my school in letting me do this and then eveb reach out when my boyfriend became extremely abusive to me again tonhelo get me into therapy.

As women, this is all we can do, in my own opinion. When it comes to modeling at the level that I do, I choose to forget about it completely from the creepy people who try to know me after my modeling career hits again. Luckily, by starting to tell people when I weirded out or scared of the people who even try to follow me, I get better protection to do my job.

Thank you for stopping by!

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Published July 6, 2021

Categorized as About Me, Social Justice IssuesTagged real life relationship abuse, stalking

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SARKAT DESIGNS

Sarkat.design

[oh-wow-i-have-nice-cheekbones]

Abuse In Gymnastics or My Thoughts After the Larry Nassar Trial

*Warning - discussion of mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, suicide, and injuries*

I am currently a gymnastics coach, and I competed in gymnastics for 6 years. My mom competed at the collegiate level of gymnastics, coached for almost 40 years, and owned her own gym for 30 of those years. Unfortunately she sold her gym and moved to another state 2 years after I started gymnastics, and I ended up in a gym where I went through hell for the next 4 years.

I fully realize that I am one of the lucky ones. I have never had a coach, assistant, physician, therapist, or teammate, touch me in any way that I felt was sexual or which made me feel uncomfortable. As far as I know, none of my teammates have either. I am not trying to compare my experiences to anyone else’s, I am only writing this to explain that abuse doesn’t only happen at the higher levels of this sport. Every single one of my teammates went through severe emotional and mental abuse, as well as endured improper coaching which has permanently injured the majority of my team, all girls under the age of 16. The abuse was so severe that I actually attempted suicide at age 14. I also have a difficult home life, and I was the oldest girl in the gym, which is probably why (to my knowledge) none of my teammates were affected to that extent. I can only hope and pray that’s true.

As a person who has been in and around gymnastics for years, and who grew up hearing about the sport from my mom, I had heard quite a bit about Dr. Larry Nassar. His name was an immediate recommendation for any technique or treatment that could help gymnasts, since my mom, like most coaches, believed he truly was a good doctor. I was absolutely horrified to hear about the accusations brought against him. I never doubted his victims, but I couldn’t understand how such brazen abuse could go unnoticed or unpunished for such a long time. The shock of the news combined with my personal experience and my teammates’ experiences have caused me to seriously reevaluate my opinion of this sport and it’s governing body. The proudest day of my life was the day I completed my training and received my coaching certifications, but now that I know the truth about the organization I received them from I feel only disgust. I find it incredibly ironic that the certificate I have for completing a course on how to keep children safe from sexual predators is digitally signed by Steve Penny, a man who enabled a sexual predator. When all of the information on Larry Nassar came to light, I began to seriously reconsider my decision to start a career in gymnastics. For weeks I cried and wrestled with my conscience as I watched the sport I love be exposed for what it truly is. I’ve come to the decision that I will keep coaching, and I will fight from the inside to tear down this corrupt institution so no child ever has to suffer abuse in the name of gymnastics again. And that starts by telling my story. Right now I am too afraid of the backlash to name anyone publicly. My current job depends on a good recommendation from my former coaches, some of my friends will disown me, my family will be angry with me, and I doubt that anyone I know will believe my story anyway, so until I work up the courage to go public I won’t name anyone involved. I realize this probably makes me a coward but I don’t think I could survive the consequences right now, and I have to consider my own mental health.

When I first went to this gym, I naively thought all coaches were like my mom - honest, hard-working, kind, fair, well-trained, and respectful of their students. Unfortunately my new coach was everything my mother was not - she was cruel, manipulative, unprofessional, ignorant, lazy, and cared only about winning competitions. She was abusive to everyone, but the fact that I was new made me her scapegoat. She repeatedly told me that I was not as good of a gymnasts as her other students, and that I would do horribly in competition. When I outscored them, she punished me by completely ignoring me for weeks, not giving me equal equipment time, and making me use the same equipment as girls nearly half my size, all of which forced me to coach myself and work with my mother at home. She noticed me looking at my mother in the observation area, and she reported to the gym owner that my mother was a disruptive influence. My mother was called into the owner’s office and reprimanded so harshly that she cried the entire way home. Afterwards if I so much as looked at my mother I was either yelled at or punished with conditioning. I continued to win competitions, so my coach changed tactics. She would make the other gymnasts sit down and watch me preform, then tell them that was the example of what not to do, and that my routines were bad because I didn’t listen to her. I was afraid of a certain tumbling pass, so she made fun of me for being afraid and told me I was a failure because I couldn’t “just throw it.” She would often tell me to try it and make everyone stand around and watch while I stood in the corner and cried, or attempted the skill, stopped mid-way and fell, often very painfully. Other times she would punish my teammates with conditioning until I tried the skill. These tactics were pretty effective with the younger girls, but I watched them all injure themselves trying skills they weren’t ready for. When I received private tutoring from another coach, she exploded. She took me aside to tell me that I was lazy, disrespectful, cowardly, un-talented, a bad influence, and that I should quit the sport because I would never make it at the next level. She said that since I made the decision to get private tutoring and her coaching “wasn’t good enough for me” she would never coach me again. I worked out on my own with absolutely no feedback for the next few months until I was able to move to the next level and away from her.

The damage of that year on all of us was indisputable. Out of a team of 14 girls, 10 quit the sport for good. My parents took me to a doctor because I was having dizzy spells, nausea, insomnia, and some mild panic attacks. When my doctor heard about my coach she informed us, with a horrified expression on her face, that I probably had depression and anxiety, and that I should leave the sport and begin counseling immediately. I begged my parents to let me stay, hoping my next coach would be better, and they agreed. I never had any counseling, and the only thing I learned was that I should keep quiet about the abuse unless I wanted to lose the sport I loved so much.

My next coach was a good coach. She was firm, but fair, and I really liked her. She had been warned that I was a troublemaker, and it took me months of hard work to live down my reputation, but eventually I did. One of the biggest problems was our spotter. He was a living personification of toxic masculinity - muscular, tall, stupid, misogynistic, emotionally constipated, terrified that someone would make fun of him for being a cheerleader because that wasn’t a “man’s sport,” and with a tendency to wear nauseating amounts of cologne. I suspect the cologne was to hide the smell of the alcohol, but every now and then it bled through anyway. We privately called him the Hulk. He found my mental blocks and fear of back tumbling incredibly amusing, and constantly made fun of me for it. He called me condescending nicknames, “scaredy-cat,” “meow-meow,” “chicken,” and “sweetheart.” He always complained when I needed a spot, although that was literally all he was there for and otherwise he’d just be sitting on a mat watching. He had a reputation for being just a little too slow to catch the girls he was supposed to be spotting, and several of them ended up with badly sprained ankles. He once promised to spot me and then backed away, expecting to be able to say, “See? You did it all by yourself and you didn’t even need me.” I panicked in the air and landed hard on my head, shoulders and feet, hyper-extending my knees and both my ankles. They still hurt to this day, and the only hope for any relief is to have both of them completely reconstructed. I reported him to the gym owner, who made some flimsy excuses and promised it wouldn’t happen again. He never apologized and I had to continue to be spotted by him even though he had lied to me and completely lost my trust. From then on I never did a skill with him that I wasn’t fully confident I could do without him. That resulted in a lot more painful falls and repeatedly spraining my ankles. I got to the point where I would hurt my ankles, put on a brace, take some over-the-counter pain medication, and keep going. Going to the doctors was useless when they always said the same thing, and medical care in America is pretty expensive. I started having panic attacks in the gym, some so severe that I nearly blacked out and my teammates and coaches said my lips were completely blue and my face as white as a sheet. On On the days I wasn’t having panic attacks I would excuse myself to go to the bathroom, cry, vomit, wash my face, then go back out and keep going. This was nearly every time I went to the gym, and I was there 3 hours a day, 4-5 days per week.

We got a new conditioning coach around then, and he was arguably the most abusive and tyrannical coach we had ever had. Even the other coaches were afraid of him. I watched them talk to each other about how helpless they were to protect us from him with tears in their eyes. He was one of the slyest, most manipulative people I had ever met. Whenever the gym owner or a parent was watching he would be sweet and encouraging, but as soon as they looked away he would turn nasty. He made us do far too many repetitions of harmful exercises, and laugh if we cried or complained. He gave no mercy to anyone, whether they had been sick, or were injured, or tired. Once when I was having bad menstrual cramps he called me off the floor and told me to rest because I looked sick. That’s the only time I ever heard of him giving a break to anyone, and I was terrified of what he expected in return for that favor. Thankfully he never came to collect. He worked us till we were exhausted, and it was a common thing to hear about the girls going to the bathroom to vomit after the hour-long conditioning was over. My group of older girls helplessly watched him time and time again yell at the little girls until they shook and cried. All we could do is was comfort them afterwards. The final straw came when he yelled at an 8 year old asthmatic for slacking on cardio until she had a panic attack. We all knew she could have died, so we discussed it on a group message, forgetting that the gym owner’s granddaughter was among our teammates. The very next day we were taken into a closed room by the gym owner and lectured for nearly 20 minutes of our practice time. We were told that the gymnast in question had shouted at the coach and he had calmly reprimanded her. She was brought up in front of all of us and forced to tell us the “truth” of what happened - a version in which the coach was completely innocent. We were told how much he cared about us, what a good coach he was, and how the entire thing was the gymnast’s fault. She even made the bizarre suggestion that we had misinterpreted the entire incident because we had eaten unhealthy foods like French fries before coming to practice. (For the record, I had a protein-packed salad. Can’t get much healthier than that.) Then to our shock, she turned to the older group of girls and informed us that she had read every single one of our text messages. She called us rude and disrespectful troublemakers, said that we needed to hear “his side of the story,” and even said, “I assume your mothers’ haven’t raised you to be respectful, but my children know better than to talk about adults that way.” We left that room with the knowledge that no matter what was done to us, we would never be listened to because of our age, and the woman whom we all loved and trusted like a grandmother had read our private messages - rantings between friends which we never thought would see the light of day. We never trusted her or her granddaughter, whom we had considered a friend, ever again. We never texted on a group chat, never talked about anything more personal than the weather unless we were sure no one was watching. I worked up an meticulous code system so we could talk about things under the guise of talking about a television show. The coach received a long apology for the “abuse” we had put him through, and was given free reign to do whatever he wanted. And he did. He set up a conditioning exercise which involved over 50 back walkovers in a row, after which the entire team had back pains for months. That and the other medically insane exercises he had us do destroyed my physical health just as thoroughly as my mental health.

In the 6 years I competed I had a broken tailbone, a concussion, a dislocated elbow, 3 permanently frozen vertebrae in my spine, countless sprained ankles, knees and wrists, and I had already attempted suicide once. I finally had to quit gymnastics because of the pain. Every tendon in my feet and ankles are over-stretched. I have constant pain in my neck, back, shoulders, ankles, and feet. If I sit in an odd position my knees hyperextend and cause me pain.

But I’m not the exception. All my teammates are just as bad off. Of the original group of 14, only one is still in the sport, and she’s in crutches right now. The worst of all this is that we weren’t Olympic level athletes. This wasn’t a matter of sacrificing everything so that we could compete on the international stage. We were low level gymnasts with no chance of ever making it past low level optionals (level 6. There are 10 levels, then elite, which is what you see on television.) The most impressive thing any of us would ever win is a plastic trophy at a meet with maybe 100 kids and their parents. This was supposed to be fun, and there was no reason to push us that hard.

Gymnastics is a sport that requires a lot of love and dedication, and I’m not exaggerating when I say many of us would rather die than quit. In my darkest days I considered ending my life many times, but I never seriously considered retiring. We lied to our parents, lied to doctors, lied to ourselves, made excuses for our coaches, and forgave the unforgivable, all because we loved gymnastics. Bad coaches take advantage of that love and they use it to manipulate us. They know we’ll put up with just about anything, so they do whatever they want to us. And worst of all, many of them make us believe they care about us. At the gym where I was it was a tradition to hug your coaches goodbye before you left for the day. The lady who emotionally abused me told me she was just trying to make me a better gymnast. The man who made fun of my for my fears said he was just trying to push me to overcome them. The man who screamed at us and pushed our bodies to the breaking point told us that we were all “awesome” and he loved coaching us. He blatant flirted with the older girls, telling them how pretty their makeup was, how nice their hair looked. The woman who snooped through our private messages and told us we couldn’t believe our own eyes is the same woman who payed my competition fees and let me come to practice for free when my dad lost his job. She said she loved us, she gave us Christmas gifts every year, she always greeted us with big smiles and warm hugs. We all ended up with something akin to Stockholm’s syndrome - we loved and trusted our abusers. Even now I am almost as afraid of hurting them as I am afraid of the consequences of speaking up. But I know I have to.

After hearing about Larry Nassar I wondered what would have happened if one of our coaches crossed over the line into sexual abuse. We had emotional and mental abuse just not sexual abuse. But what would have happened if that coach had called in that favor and expected sex from me? Would I have tolerated that too, in my haze of depression and fear? Would I have stayed quiet to stay in the sport I love? If I had chosen to tell someone, would they have believed me? Or would I be taken into that room in front of all my teammates and forced to tell a lie in which I’m the villain? Our sport has gotten far to comfortable with 0 accountability. A gym can hire anyone they like, regardless of their qualifications. The Hulk knew so little about gymnastics that he couldn’t even name all four pieces of competitive equipment, yet he was allowed to work with the highest level gymnasts in that gym. The only place uncertified coaches are barred from is the competition floor, and nearly every meet I’ve been to had uncertified people on the floor anyway. There’s rarely ever any inspections - the whole time I was in gymnastics the only organization who ever inspected our gyms was the fire department.  USAG, our governing body, puts out articles and courses on preventing abuse, yet they enabled the most prolific pedophile in American history. Part of me wants this nightmare to all be over but it can’t be. We have to stand up and fight this. We cannot let the brave young women who stood up to Larry Nassar be forgotten. There’s no “quick fix” that will work. We have to tear down this corrupt system that allows adults to prey on children with no consequences. We have to demand accountability, expose hypocrisy, punish abusers no matter how good of a coach or doctor they are. No amount of benefit is worth allowing children to be molested. And if saving even one child means the entire sport crumbles tomorrow it’ll be worth it.

[andrewdrobins]

The Bledsoe Show  w/  Kevin Gillotti: Carrying the Fire #64



Falling in love with obstacle course racing, Specificity training, Why CrossFit is not so functional, Sterilized training, The power of belief, and more.

[0:00] Falling in love with obstacle course racing [9:30] Specificity training [15:30] Why CrossFit is not so functional [35:30] Sterilized training

[41:15] The power of belief [48:00] Do you carry the fire? 🔥 [59:00] Living his true self

Guest: Kevin Gillotti

Kevin Gillotti is an insanely fit 48 year old with an unmatched mindset. An elite racer for almost 30 years in both duathlons (running and biking) and obstacle course racing (OCR).

Kevin was introduced to duathlons in college and almost won his first race. He then went on to become a 8 time confirmed All-American with USAT (duathlon), has been on numerous USAT Duathlon World Championship teams, and has won most of the North County-based duathlon races for the past 20 years.

Kevin now focuses on OCRs in the Spartan Race series and is already ranked 12th overall in the Elite NBC Series, second overall in the USA Elite Division and the West Region Division for his age, and fourth overall in the world Elite division for his age.

In this episode, we learn about Kevin’s unshakable self-belief, which helped him overcome a rough accident, why he doesn’t believe in lifting heavy and how he approaches his training, why being brutally honest has hurt his past relationships, and much more.

Enjoy!

-Mike

Connect on Social: Instagram, Vimeo

Resources: Kevin Gillotti

0:00

Falling in love with obstacle course racing

Kevin Gillotti discovered his passion for racing at his first duathlon race almost 30 years ago. A friend invited him to a race and he ended up almost winning it without much intention or training. On that day, Gillotti decided he’s going to be racing for the rest of his life and moved against all odds from Iowa to San Diego, CA.

Besides becoming an elite duathlon racer, Kevin doesn’t like to be a one trick pony and does many things, including archery, competitive shooting, graphic design, and more. He even came up with a hashtag to show his intentions: #BeSkilledAtManyThings.

Today, Kevin is very involved with Spartan Race, which he was introduced to by a friend in 2011. His friend called it a mud run then, and even though it was nothing like a mud run, Kevin fell in love again.

“It was nothing like a mud run… It was the Joe De Sena Effect. It really was like chaos. It wasn’t well organized, but you could see the picture he was going for. So it was easy for me to jump on board and see that kind of future he was looking at, but just knowing it was a rough raw stage at that point, but at least I could see what his plan was.” — Kevin Gillotti

A post shared by KEVIN GILLOTTI™ (@kevingillotti) on Nov 13, 2017 at 11:15am PST

9:30

Specificity training

When Kevin was studying for his Master’s degree in Sports Psychology at San Diego State University, he learned about a concept called Specificity. For him, it essentially meant ‘train how you are going to race.’

Once Kevin learned about specificity, he realized he has been doing it his entire career. He has always trained solely for races. When he trains, he’s always moving like he would in a race. He doesn’t do squats, pressing, or anything statically, he does everything to help OCR.

Kevin’s training usually incorporates light to medium weight weightlifting exercises sandwiched between runs and sprints. Even though he likes CrossFit and trains at a crossfit gym, he doesn’t believe in heavy weights, else in strength to weight ratio. He strives to be as light as he can and as strong as can be.

A post shared by KEVIN GILLOTTI™ (@kevingillotti) on Mar 16, 2018 at 12:05pm PDT

15:30

Why CrossFit is not so functional

When Greg Glassman originally created CrossFit he did it with intention to focus on 10 general physical skills: Strength. Stamina. Endurance. Flexibility. Power. Speed. Coordination. Agility. Balance. Accuracy. These ten words describe the predominant characteristics of almost any activity you are likely to encounter, and therefore your capability in each describes your fitness.

Today, the expression of Crossfit today over emphasizes a few principles out of 10 neglecting specifically balance, coordination and accuracy work in favor of lifting heavy weights all the time.

Kevin doesn’t believe in the value of lifting 400–500 lb. It doesn’t really happen in real life. He trains for realistic life scenarios, like lifting 50 lb. overhead on a ladder, as he might want to place something heavy on a high shelf in the future.

Pro tip: Avoid injuries by training a variety of stuff and avoiding heavy repetition of the same movement .

35:30

Sterilized training

The typical gym environment today is very sterilized. People train on flat floors, using straight bars, and everything is even. Real life scenarios though don’t offer though, which is why you need to diversify your training by adding unevenness and misbalance for example.

If you’re competing at Olympic Weightlifting, Powerlifting, or CrossFit, then those squats, presses, etc. are the movements you want to train. But otherwise, you want to diversify your training as much as possible. In the future we will have more asymmetrical training.

Your core strength is your resilience.

When you see people lifting heavy ass deadlifts on Instagram with rounded backs, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have bad, misinformed form. On the contrary, their core strength is so dialed in that they can do a rounded back deadlift and all kinds of things that look funny.

“I don’t believe there is bad movement. My only concern is… People have been sitting for a long time and their breathing gets fucked up, and so their diaphragm doesn’t expand very well, and not only that, but they use their breath to stabilize their spine during movement. So they’re holding their breath and they’re moving and that’s problematic because they don’t know how to stabilize their spine without creating abdominal pressure… It doesn’t matter how weight they’re doing. I can watch someone walking and I go: ‘Hmm their diaphragm in the right side is a little tight’… No movement is wrong if you can stabilize your spine.” — Mike Bledsoe

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41:15

The power of belief

In 2001, Kevin was hit by a truck that was going 70 MPH while riding a bicycle. The truck threw him 60 feet, he broke his back in two places, his left arm and his left leg. He had two blood transfusions to help him survive and spent three weeks in the hospital, two of which in the ICU (24 hour care).

After his accident, doctors told him Kevin he’d never be racing again. However, Kevin never approached life thinking he’s in the median group, he always believed he’s an outlier. He even told his doctors they didn’t know who they were dealing with.

He Spent a year in rehab and had his back fused, but he still does all kinds of physical things. He fights discomfort everyday, but he feels blessed to be alive. His mindset allowed him to the fittest he’s ever been post accident.

Belief is a huge part of recovery.

Today, it’s common practice for doctors to tell patients they won’t be able to fully recover from many incidents because they want to cover their ass. Unfortunately, it’s a huge disservice to people, as it sucks out hope, which literally handicaps people. Belief is something we need to fully maximize our recovery capabilities and general life capabilities.

48:00

Do you carry the fire?

As a kid, Kevin was very influenced by the movie “The Road”. One sentence in particular spoke to him and was imprinted in his mind:

“Do you carry the fire? The fire to survive. The fire to be a good person. The fire to keep moving forward no matter what happens to you.” — The Road

Kevin was raised in a typical, old school American-Italian family. He was put through hard work, planning, suffering, etc. Even though he didn’t appreciate it when he was young, that path made him resilient and today he’s grateful for the parenting he received.

His father made him work at his construction business and as the boss’s son he got no breaks. He did the lowest jobs, shoveling out dirt and cleaned poop out of the sewer. His family didn’t give him a leg in this world, else work ethic. In high school, he was waking at 4am and worked 10 hour workdays in construction while his friends were partying.

“Most people don’t know what they’re made of they don’t believe in themselves… You need to fail, you have to fail, and failing is a good thing. But unfortunately, now people don’t want to fail and people don’t want to let other people fail. Everybody is supposed to win, everybody is supposed to get a medal.” — Kevin Gillotti

59:00

Living his true self

Everything that Kevin does in life, he does with the same intensity as racing. He gives his 100% every time and doesn’t half-ass anything. The only thing he keeps failing in at life is relationships.

Kevin is a no bullshit kind of man, but in relationships, it doesn’t always work. He says things in very uncoated ways that don’t resonate with people very well. He’s very honest and upfront about who he is, and sometimes people can accept it in the beginning, but stuff usually goes south after a while.

When things go south, Kevin always looks for ways to improve. He has married before and been in a 10 year relationship. He isn’t bitter or angry about his ex and will never say anything bad about her, he only focuses on the what can he improve and is grateful for how it made him a 10x better person.

A post shared by KEVIN GILLOTTI™ (@kevingillotti) on Sep 4, 2017 at 7:35am PDT

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The post The Bledsoe Show  w/  Kevin Gillotti: Carrying the Fire #64 appeared first on Shrugged Collective.

[highschoolharrier]

Interview with Ross Dexter, Sports Scientist

Ross was a state champion cross country team member and 800m runner in Oregon and competed at Southern Oregon University where he studied Health and Physical Education. Ross’ love for athletics took him next to Vancouver British Columbia where he completed his Master’s Degree in Human Kinetics with an emphasis on coaching at the University of British Columbia.

While working in healthcare and coaching at the University of British Columbia, Florida State University, St. Mary’s College of California, The University of California, Berkeley, and Bend Oregon's Summit High School, Ross developed a keen interest in athletic training. He continued his education to achieve both his Masters of Science in Athletic Training and Doctor of Athletic Training Degrees from the University of Idaho.

While on the Palouse, as part of his doctoral studies, Ross started the first athletic training program serving the middle and high school students of Troy Idaho. With a professional background in both strength and conditioning coach and massage therapy, Ross’ research interests include strength and conditioning and injury risk mitigation, the application of movement-based neuromuscular intervention strategies, and the use of manual therapy in the treatment of acute and chronic pain and injury. Ross continues to work with athletes in all disciplines as an Athletic Trainer and Strength and Conditioning Coach, with a specific interest in Track and Field.

Contact Ross at www.reevolveathletics.com for more information.

High School Harrier: What is your sports science background?

Ross Dexter: I started developing an interest in the science of sport as an undergraduate at Southern Oregon University. As a track and field and cross country athlete who was also studying health and physical education, I was often asked to take part in demonstrations in exercise physiology courses. I would volunteer to be weighed in the hydrostatic tank, go through blood lactate testing, and take part in VO2 Max testing, etc. I continued volunteering for my colleague's studies on things like changes in altitude exposure and cognitive skill as a graduate student at the University of British Columbia while writing literature reviews about the physiological demands of various track and field events. My primary interest at the time was in reconciling training methods and theories with the available literature regarding the 400m and 800m events. Then, when I transitioned my career from primarily being a coach to studying athletic training I completed a second master's degree and a doctoral degree at the University of Idaho where I was the lead investigator on three published papers. Two of these papers concerned neuromuscular intervention and active range of motion in overhead athletes competing in the javelin throw as well as baseball and volleyball, and one on strength and conditioning programming and Functional Movement Screen (FMS) scores in high school basketball players. I still have a few more manuscripts in the works, I guess I have been busy.

HSH: Why is sports science important for high school cross country?

RD: We should, of course, consider coaching at any level as both a scientific and artistic endeavor. However, science presents us with not only the foundational information in the form of decades of research into human physiology, biomechanics, performance, sports medicine, etc. but also the principles by which we become better as coaches. Any coach, I hope, is engaging in the scientific method daily, weekly, monthly, annually, etc. as they make alterations to training plans, introduce new workouts or methods and then analyze the outcomes in order to adjust accordingly. In my professional opinion, high school cross country coaches should consider their responsibility to understand and utilize the literature and a scientific understanding of training as perhaps greater than those at other levels as they are dealing with young people who are developing physically, mentally, and emotionally. We must be careful to not conflate the pseudo-science, unscientific tropes, and bad coaching that is often presented as 'science-based coaching' with sports science and actual scientifically literate coaching.

HSH: What are some of the biggest challenges for high school distance runners in terms of athletic development?

RD: There are so many, and they are largely unnecessary. I hear far too much about high school coaches, often from other teams or physical education departments that dissuade sports that aren't football or boys basketball from utilizing weight room facilities, often cross country is at the bottom of this unfortunate heap. I am also quite bothered by the notion, sometimes strangely propagated by cross country coaches, that cross country runners are somehow not the 'athletic kids'. In two sentences we have completely belittled the student-athletes that participate in cross country taking a swipe at their confidence while systematically hindering their athletic development, performance potential, and ability to take responsibility for participating in activities that might reduce their risk of injury.

HSH: What are the three most important exercises (if you had to choose three) for a high school distance runner to perform?

RD: Assuming they are being done well and in no particular order.

A: Planks and plank variations - Planking should facilitate trunk stiffness and core stability with an eye toward posture and breathing.

B: Kettlebell Swings and variations - Done in the hardstyle tradition kettlebell swings are fantastic to teach core and hip integration, rhythm, and are frankly the best exercise for the lower extremity posterior chain. They can also be used as a conditioning supplement.

C: Turkish Get Up (TGU) - For a group of athletes that are fairly repetitive in their movement patterns, range of motion utilization, and planes of motion, the Turkish Get Up is great for starting at the core and integrating all the major joints through all three plains of motion with a great deal of stability and control. Adding load provides a ton of neuromuscular feedback and a fun challenge and the time it takes to complete a full TGU makes the exercise a bit of a matter of discipline.

HSH: If a coach has a large team and doesn't have access to a gym, what exercises would you recommend they do?

RD: A lot can be accomplished with proper 'core' training and plyometrics. You also don't need a weight room to add load. Book bags, chunks of firewood, rocks, broken bits of a jersey wall or curb, etc. Have fun with it and of course be safe.

Planks and plank variations.

Crawling

Turkish Get-Ups

Goblet Squats

Push-Ups, with the following consideration. Doing excellent pushups (a plank where your arms and shoulders move) with your hands on a bench or your knees on the ground to make them 'easier' is far more valuable than doing horrible push-ups. Do your athletes a favor and take the shame out of having good form.

HSH: Did you have any previous opinions with training that you are finding you are challenging with your study of sports science?

RD: Absolutely. I wouldn't be practicing by my own principles if I didn't. As an athlete, and like a lot of coaches, I used to love the power clean. Now, I do not practice or teach and rarely if ever encourage or program Olympic lifting, particularly the clean/power clean or barbell snatch/power snatch with any population of athletes. I very often include push jerks as part of my overhead pressing progressions, however, these are done from the rack with the barbell. What I find most interesting about this shift in my methods is that it is entirely based both in the literature and my practical experience as a coach. It wasn't an injury that I or an athlete of mine suffered or a conference where someone presented a compelling argument (as I often hope to do). It stopped making sense on every level to utilize Olympic lifting techniques and as I checked my own thoughts against the available research I found, hopefully without bias, that the literature largely doesn't support a strong connection between Olympic lifting as a training method and sports performance.

HSH: What are the biggest misconceptions of strength and conditioning that distance runners and coaches have and what do you say to those misconceptions?

RD: 1: That high repetition (8-20 repetitions) weightlifting is beneficial to strength endurance and for distance runners. 

This is called hypertrophy training and doesn't actually accomplish the goal of strength endurance. The follow-up is always "well I read that depending on the percentage of your 1 rep max,15-20 repetitions are good for muscular endurance." My answer is always, 'excellent, that's not what we are strength training for.' I try to stress that the goal needs to be the goal. Training should support either rehabilitation, injury risk reduction, or performance goals. Your runners are training hard and often for quite some time on the road, track, and trails. Use the weight room to get stronger and move better.

2: That girls, young women, and women will pack on muscle mass if they strength train and get slower. 

I can't stress this enough. No. Endocrinology says no. Muscle physiology says no. Being a healthy, strong, resilient athlete says no. No, no, no.

HSH: Do you find any major differences in needs for strength training for different genders?

RD: The short answer is no. However, as coaches, we absolutely must listen to young women. Things like menstrual cycles and endometriosis can affect training and performance through physiology and psychology and are individually quite different. Take the shame out of being a young woman and empower your female athletes to listen to their bodies and be open to communication from them. From a very nuanced perspective and depending on the level, biological age, and training age of an athlete we may take into consideration ideas that say males may recover more quickly than females from very hard or very long efforts from an endocrine system standpoint, or that peaking may be done differently for the same reasons. But here we get pretty detailed and without a great deal of care it may backfire quite quickly from a performance standpoint and can slip over into the type of bad coaching that is consistently detrimental, particularly to young women.

HSH: Do you have any opinions that you think the average coach would find controversial?

RD: At times I imagine that a good number of my ideas are fairly controversial. I have come across very few coaches, particularly at the high school level, that even want to entertain the idea that Olympic lifting isn't the best thing to ever happen to athletics. It's not. Or that the ankle does not need to be stronger as saying as much and trying to train it to be stronger does not take into account the demands already placed on the lower leg by runners, what might actually be deficient as a result (range of motion), or the functional relationship between the big toe, foot, ankle, knee, and hip, or how trunk stiffness and stability may actually be far more important when considering gait mechanics or running form than the ankle. But perhaps my favorite of all time is don't stretch your hamstrings. Seriously, just don't do it. The mechanics of the anterior/posterior chain relationship of the lower extremity muscles that connect to the pelvis coupled with strength imbalances and problematic training theory and methodology make this perhaps one of the worst ideas in athletics.

HSH: Lastly, what advice would you give to a coach in terms of developing a long term strength training program for their team?

RD: Start with principles and remember Ockham's Razor.

My principles, for example, suggest that training should start at the core in order to encourage a stable platform for power production and range of motion at the extremities, strength should be developed progressively in the weight room using basic movement patterns through full ranges of motion under controlled environments, and power production can be accomplished through multiple directions and planes without a great deal of added load. What I choose to do for training should be based on these three principles. 

Regarding simplicity, remember that can does not imply ought. Just because you can stand on one leg on a foam roller blindfolded with your free foot attached to a cable column with 45lbs on it and do 'tippy birds' doesn't mean you ought to and it certainly doesn't mean you should strive to. If your strength training program is caught up in corrective exercises from your local guru or functional training from some internet cult of personality, it's probably not making anyone stronger. Simple strength training based on principles and designed to provide periodized and incremental change in load, volume, and reasonable complexity will get you very far.

[viralstation]

10 Simple Ways to Actually Enjoy Running

New Post has been published on http://viralstation.org/10-simple-ways-to-actually-enjoy-running/

10 Simple Ways to Actually Enjoy Running

Though he’s now a pro trail runner—a two-time national champion, in fact—David Roche didn’t naturally love the sport. “I will always remember my first run when I went out the door, got 200 yards, and had to stop because I was so winded,” he says. “I was sore for three days afterward.”

The more he ran, the easier—and more fun—it felt. Eventually, he quit his job as an attorney to run, coach a team called Some Work, All Play, and write a forthcoming book (with his co-coach and wife Megan) called The Happy Runner Project.

“You don’t have to run—but if you’re going to run, it should be joyful,” Roche says. And even if you don’t plan to leave corporate life for the trails, you can still reap running’s emotional and physical rewards, he believes. “Definitely, anyone can enjoy it, and anyone can improve by massive amounts.” Here’s how to do both.

Slow down

Most new runners start off at a sprint and quickly flame out, much the way Roche did. Now, he knows better. “If it hurts, you’re going too hard,” he says. Your body needs time to both develop aerobic fitness and adapt to the impact and repetitive motions running involves.

When you first start out, alternate easy running and walking—say, a minute of each. Each week, adjust your intervals (running more, walking less) until you’re steadily jogging. Even then, don’t judge yourself on pace; instead, run by effort, and keep things relaxed. “Listen to your body,” he says.

Then, pick up the pace

That said, steady slogging can quickly grow monotonous. Once you’ve logged a few continuous runs, try adding in bursts of speed—20 to 30 seconds of faster running followed by at least a minute of slower running. Or, find a hill and run up it quickly, then slowly jog back down. Start with two to four bursts or hills, then build up week by week. Besides making time pass more quickly, these short, hard efforts boost your heart rate and help reduce your injury risk.

RELATED: How to Start Running Without Getting Hurt, According to Pros

Turn on some tunes

Music can literally move you. In a small study in the Journal of Strength & Conditioning Research, runners clocked a speedier 5K with less effort when listening to either calm or upbeat melodies. Pro runner and coach Kaitlin Gregg Goodman (find her online at Running Joyfully) chooses different songs for different purposes: “relaxed if you’re trying to chill out on an easy day, a pump-up playlist for hard workouts,” she says.

Podcasts work too, and often come in workout-friendly 30- to 45-minute episodes (one of Roche’s favorites is NPR’s How I Built This). Note: If you’re running outside, consider using just one earbud to stay aware of your surroundings.

Grab a buddy

Running friends make the miles fly by, Roche says. And there’s no better way to multitask than catching up while you get your miles in. Can’t find a pal who’s game to stride with you? Search online or head to your local running store to seek out group runs; they often leave from stores, bars, and gyms. You might meet a brand-new friend who’s just your pace.

Focus your mind

Though training partners and music may serve as welcome distractions, actually tuning in to what you’re doing can also help you enjoy it more, notes Mackenzie L. Havey, a Minneapolis runner and coach and author of Mindful Running. “Research shows that mindful athletes tend to exhibit greater optimism, higher self-confidence, and less anxiety,” she says.

To start, spend the first few steps of your run doing a full scan of your body, mind, and the world around you, she recommends. Notice the feeling of your feet hitting the ground, the sound of birds chirping, the top three thoughts in your head. If you notice your mind wander—and you will—gently bring it back to the present moment. “You'll find that fully immersing yourself in the run by focusing on your environment, body, and mind boosts enjoyment, even on the days you're feeling less than inspired to work out,” she says.

RELATED: 5 Running Mistakes Beginners Always Make

Reframe your self-talk

Paying bills, feeding your kids, booking doctor’s visits—there’s plenty in life you have to do. Running, on the other hand, is a conscious choice you’re making to improve your health, fitness, and well-being. “I really like to say that it’s an opportunity, not an obligation,” Gregg Goodman says. Revel in the chance to test your limits, zap stress, and escape the day-to-day pressure of a busy life.

Bottle the beauty

When the going gets tough, focus on the splendor all around you. “It could be the way the leaves have fallen on the path or passing a child learning to ride a bike, or—my favorite—dog spotting,” says Chris Mosier, a four-time member of Team USA in duathlon and triathlon and a coach in Chicago. He always advises his athletes to keep an eye out for inspiring sights along their routes.

Extend those positive vibes by writing down the things you’re grateful for on the run (say, how fresh your legs felt or how fortunate you are to live near a running path) on slips of paper. Fold them up and put them in a used water bottle, Havey recommends. Pull them out when you’re lacking motivation—and over time, you’ll likely find yourself more tuned in to a sense of gratitude from the moment you lace up your running shoes.

RELATED: 11 Rules of Running Buddy Etiquette

Rethink your route

Gregg Goodman often notices runners retracing the exact same routes day in and day out. “I’ll put in their log: Your assignment for today is an exploration run,” she says. Bypassing your well-trod boulevard and seeking out a new sidewalk, path, or park adds an element of excitement to your routine. Another option is a destination run, a point-to-point course that ends up somewhere fun like a coffee shop or bookstore. Just take your phone and use a ride-sharing app to catch a lift home.

Time travel

On days when you can’t quite convince yourself that you like running, remind yourself of how good you’ll feel when you’re finished. “After the morning run, I’m going to be happier, I’ll be more productive, and my husband says I’m a better spouse,” Gregg Goodman says. “It’s like having coffee—we’re all much better people after coffee.”

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Make it meaningful

Give your running purpose by setting a specific target, like completing a 5K or improving upon last year’s time. Reflecting on how much that goal means to you can help you appreciate every step in the process, Gregg Goodman says.

You can also dedicate your miles to a loved one who can no longer run, raise money for a charity, or pace a friend in an event that’s meaningful to him or her. “Sometimes running can feel like a pretty selfish endeavor,” Gregg Goodman says. “Making it bigger than yourself can bring that joy back.”

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