#like im not crying but im numb because again this the 3rd or 4th time we've broken up & i had a hunch when they said “can we talk?”

[youngmassidehoe]

Heartbreaking!! the thing that you had a hunch about turned out to be true :/

[perfectionistincrisis]

bleh - 1

been a while since i blogged. um, ok. just a week or two i guess. but. i am really trying hard not to blog much, i am. idk. it just makes me feel really weak and i dont really want to feel so. i mean ik i am so, but, i dont really need to keep declaring it over and over again. im really trying here! Ok. im done whining.  this week was very tiny. but last week was really really interesting and new (in a very disturbing way!). and all credit goes to the week before that. the worst one. the one i will remember for a really really long time. i was hurt. i felt guilty. i felt pathetic and weak. i was helpless. i felt like a nobody; totally useless. i stopped praying for stuff because, hey, who the hell cares what i want!  That was like the 3rd week of january - which i actually planned on taking as my week -1 cause um, the first 2 weeks of jan was a ‘wth’ period when i just finished my exams and started my break and i needed time to actually breathe.  Then there was last week - 4th week of jan and i decided i should change this to my personal week 1, lol. So yeah. I decided to do something about the fear and the pain. Because there was nothing much i could actually do for it all to go away. i just decided to face it. all in my head.  I started to create scenarios in my head; of things i’m scared of; things that would rip me apart.. And while i was doing so - i decided to put up a straight face. stopping my eyes from watering, my heart from getting heavy and suppressing a loud cry. if you’d look at me, you’d hardly know what was going on in my head. i think i did so well suppressing all that feelings away. but the main reason why i was able to do so is because i spent really less time on my own. tried to stay around people at the hospital and around my family at home so that i dont break down - but in my head, i was thinking all sorts of things.  So i entered this phase of numbness you could say. like if i could number my feelings then you could say they dropped from a million to aound zero point five or something. its like you’re so clueless about life- like there is nothing you can do. like, hey man, surprise me, or bury me alive - either ways, i cant be hurt cause in my head ive lived all the bad. Lol ok - easier said than done!! it is peaceful - when you dont feel pain; when you dont feel anything; when you dont expect anything. hope/ wish vs expectations. i think these are different times; for me, they are. i always taught myself to keep my expectations really really low; like close to zero all the time. that way, you escape from thousands of shitty feelings. but i dont think that should stop you from hoping or wishing for things in life. so like, you could be wishing for something but at the same time you are also accepting that there is possibility of not getting it, and you are okay with that possibility. why? because your expectations are low. so this is something i have done for most of my life but i had a few exceptions - and let my expectations to reach the sky and i guess go even far beyond. as of right now - i think i fixed those in me. but the reason i posted today, is because something triggered my feelings.. i felt pain. and i felt worthless. 

it is very peaceful when you dont feel a thing; when you dont expect anything. but i guess, it is not permanent. nothing is.  the numbness goes away. the pain comes back to sting you. all that fear, all that would tear you apart - they still have the rope tied around your neck. you can only pretend for so long. 

its like im trying to run away all the time

and right now i really need some sleep so im out ^^

[0asis-sanctuary-0wn]

im not a teen anymore but here i am

it has been a few years, 

i never knew i’d be back here after everything that has happened to me. It seems like it was 2 years already from my last post here. 

well i am here again because this has only been “my place” where no one has ever entered and discovered. 

let me recap myself

i was fairly depressed for years now. well the manifestations showed up when my lowest point in college happened to me. it was the second semester of my 3rd year in college until i was in the 1st semester of my 4th year. it was that time when i decided to go to a psychiatrist. i had many episodes of breakdown i could not count anymore. but now it was different. though i know i am having a breakdown i just feel numb and just cry.

now to update, my board exam is coming up for 18-19 days. and i still feel that i am not ready for it yet. and a lot of things are happening to me right now, such as my National Medical Admission test was last sunday and my mom and i had a huge fight. now i feel like nothing actually, i laugh but i dont know, i cry and i still dont know.

to share with you i had a “testimony” to share about the Lord. though I never mentioned him here or whatsoever because idk i was a teen back i didnt have that spiritual maturity. although i think still now i dont have a spiritual maturity. well going back, I felt the Lord was talking to me. 

now, i just want to die and to be with the lord. so that i dont have the burden from others that i am here with them. 

i feel so invalidated and such a burden to others. 

i just wish something easier could happen to me. 

like the easier to make the decision to die or to continue my life but just living the life of “meh” 

[tallat-of-thralls]

Bad Place; I prayed to any God that would listen

Warning: This isnt intended to be a short post. I have struggled this week and im going to share some of the things Ostera and my brain forced me to confront.

Trigger: i talk about blood a lot in mildly gruesome detail and depressing thoughts paired with it.

***The end has a Tl;Dr***

........

For me, my severe health problems have always been pivotal in my life. From perspective, to ability, to routine and foremost my faith.

Skipping over the mouthful of medical terms, i struggle with these ailments chronically and some are cyclic. The major chronic symptoms is constant nerve pain, nerve damage in my deformed legs and abdominal issues as a result from atypical neuro-function. The cyclic is a bleeding disorder that causes severe bruising, unusual bleeding from mundane cuts, and bursting veins/capillaries in shallow areas like my sinuses (this causes me to bleed from the eyes, nose, and mouth.)

Doctors cant really explain it. Everyone in my life is frustrated to the point of ignoring it and blaming something that im doing or not doing that results in this disarray.

As a child, this really pushed me to Faith and religion. I prayed and prayed and prayed on a daily basis to be healthy and 'normal'. To do normal kid things like have friends or join a sport.

All these things made difficult just by enduring my problems.

The worse my health grew, the more i would cry out to whatever God would hear me. I would have episodes at church; theyd force me to sit in the back and I wasn't welcome at youth group.

This last Monday (march 18 2019), i experienced one of the worst facial hemorrhaging i have had since before quitting my job last year. It pushed me back in a dark place bringing up all the alienation, futility, pain, and ostracization i had endured for the last 20yrs. I was not well. Mentally or physically.

When i was a kid, watching national geographics allowed me to tack the word "stigmata" to these cyclic bleedings. Something to hang this nuance on and a code word to use when speaking about it to my mom in public. It was both horrifying an embarrassing for her and me.

In all the times i had prayed in this detriment i only ever experienced relief when my body was going into shock from blood loss.

The most prominent in my memory was sitting upon the bathroom floor of guest restroom of the ground floor. I had been there for hours, holding a moist rag that had been rung out for umth time. The counter, the sink, the shower and toilet basin ran red with watered down blood. My head had been hanging over the toilet long enough that i when i turned my head to look at my cat my neck creaked like springs in an old mattress.

It had been a long night. I was momentarily alone while my mom prepared my sister for school and packed the bag to take me to the hospital for the 3rd or 4th time that month.

I cried. I hadnt been to school in over three weeks. I didnt want to play catch-up again. I didnt want to go to the hospital again. I wanted to stop bleeding. So, while I was alone, tears running red down my grey cheeks, i prayed to any god that would listen.

I thought if i had prayed hard enough that maybe i would feel the warm embrace of a healing touch, see a light that would deliver my broken body to a place of healing and recovery. Maybe even as little as not feeling completely cut off from the rest of the world.

I was met with silence. A trail of blood ran over my little knuckles to drip steadily into the toilet basin. I was audibly crying this time. My face rag needed to be wrung out again and i was too weak to stand.

I didnt feel healing warmth. No delivery. No presence. Nothing.

All i felt was cold and sterility. The chilled tiles beneath my bare, pallid and, deformed legs. The warm moisture of the blood soaked rag. Only the muted ringing in my ears of shock setting in. I smelt only the iron tang that plagued my entirety. I felt alone, abandoned, separate, numb, and agony.

I was 8yrs old. Thats the first time and not even close to the last time I felt that sensation.

The doubt, the despair, the bitterness, the resentment, and the self-loathing grew little by little every year. My ailments continued, they fluctuated in severity and to this day i still struggle. Il

My struggle is with my identity. I Don't know who or what i am. I dont know Why i was forsaken like that. I dont know what to do half the time because its still not gone.

I struggle with my faith. I believe nothing exists, everything is pointless, there are no Gods, no magic, no sense. Were all dead. The universe is gone and their is just the lingering echo of suffering and pain before that fades too. Hopelessness.

And contradictory and paradoxically, everything that ever was has always been and always will be. Gods, devils, spirits, multiple realms of existence, magic, and many beings and their forms exist at all times. That time is fluid and not linear. We expirience ourselves as eachother in a subjective manner. The thought and the will is what manifests our being and our lives. Therefore believing in ourselves, in our Gods, our power and our magic is what fuels existence indefinitely for the universe only sustains because we believe it will.

I destroy myself and recreate it over and over and over and over again. Each time these severe problems arise i am confronted with my mortality and the reality or falsehood of the situation.

I apologize to those whom i had overwhelmed (both irl and on here) with this most recent conflict .

Im alive~ish and can pass as a 'normal' human so there is that in some respect but at the same time i feel disconnected from my power, my sense, my surroundings, and myself.

The secondary point is, i enjoy reading peoples personal experiences with their deities, their incarnations, their higher selves, and other preternatural happenings. I enjoy listening to their mundane tales of what happened during the day and their struggles. It makes me feel connected.

Tl;DR

You telling me about your life makes me feel connected to you.

So, though i have felt isolated, alone, alienated in the past just know that i will listen to your woes and accomplishments. And if desired, I will respond to the best of my ability. It is what i would do for myself if i had met my 8yrold self.

AethyrSecretary 🌙