#like if they already knew scott was a goner soon why bother?

[ohwhatamessiam]

Give  -Epilogue

Summary: Bucky and (Y/N) had an amazing yet brief relationship in Bucharest before all hell broke loose. Two years later they reconnect in a bar in Brooklyn, but things have changed and neither are the same people they were before. Will their relationship survive or is a break up inevitable? 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: Language, brief fighting, lots of painful heartbreak, nothing but torturing my precious readers. POV switching for Bestie!SamWilson and the other Avengers that make an appearance.

Author’s Note: The actual finale to Give, my submission to @bladebarnes‘s #bladehits2kchallenge. It’s been quite a run, and there is a sequel in the works (which I have to write now that my dumbass already made a playlist). The sequel will feature the reader in a relationship with a woman I’m not straight, my characters rarely are too so if you’re not cool with that and want to be untagged (if you were part of the previous list) tell me. If you’re cool with that, send me an ask to get added to the tag list. As always, a huge thanks to @lostboyinneverland for keeping me going when it comes to writing and also for letting me make you feel things for the sake of fiction. Here’s the playlist for all of Give. Send me feedback, and I’ll hopefully have the sneak peek of the sequel up in a day or two. Thanks for all the love and support everyone! I’ll see y’all soon.

Give | Masterlist

The door down the hall slammed so hard it shook the walls, interrupting Sam Wilson from his binge-session of watching The Get Down. He moved to his own door, checking to see who it came from. The shadows moving under the crack of Bucky’s door, accompanied by smothered sobs, told Sam all he needed to know. He thought of going to him, telling him everything would be okay, eventually, but he thought it wiser to leave him alone for now.

Closing his own door, he fished his phone off his night stand. Scrolling through his recent messages until he found her contact name, Plum Girl, as he’d so affectionately taken to calling her after she’d ranted to him about how much seeing plums at the grocery store made her want to cry tears of happiness and longing. They were Bucky’s favorite fruit, they both knew that by now, and although they’d become good friends over the last couple years he’d always viewed her through the lense that she was Bucky’s heart. That she was a piece of his redemption.

Sam couldn’t trust Bucky before cryostasis, but hearing how she talked about him for those years softened his feelings towards Bucky. He still only trusted him when he had to, being kicked off a helicarrier and nearly killed by the guy multiple times didn’t make for an easy friendship, but (Y/N) had helped Sam see him in a different light.

Typing slowly and then erasing it, he tried to figure out what to say to the girl who just left the love of her life. He settled for all that would come to his mind.

Sam: You did it.

Plum Girl: It needed to be done.

Sam: Guess I gotta change your name in my phone now.

A couple hours later there was a series of loud knocks on Sam’s door. He rolled out of bed with an angry groan and yanked his door open, “What?”

The overwhelming scent of alcohol wafted from Bucky, forcing Sam to pull back from the doorway. “I want her number,” he demanded, pushing himself into Sam’s room. “I know you have it, so just make this easy and give it to me.”

“Make this easy? You’re drunk Bucky, leave her alone.”

Cool metal snaked around Sam’s throat, slamming his entire body against the wall of his room. “I just need to talk to her. I don’t-, don’t understand why s-she did that, and I need her to explain.”

Sam braced himself against the wall before kicking Bucky away from him. Bucky stumbled, trying to regain his balance before swinging at Sam. Sam dunked before grabbing Bucky around the waist and shoving him hard against the hallway wall across from his door.

“She broke up with you, don’t bother her.”

“She had no right to s-Sam, I love her and she loves me,” Bucky slurred, moving toward Sam. Steve and Wanda’s doors opened as they investigated what was happening.

“Man, where do you get off thinking that?” Sam snapped, pushing Bucky against the wall again as his anger took over. “(Y/N) waited for you, for two years! Every night was hell for her. Scott said she’d wake up in the middle of the night crying, and that was just when she was able to get any sleep. She tried to act like nothing was wrong, but these were the worst years of her life. Two years might not seem like anything to you super soldiers, but to us normal humans she was in agony for a long time.”

“Sam-,” Steve warned, appearing at their side and trying to separate the men.

“How would Scott know?” Bucky growled at them.

This time Sam turned to Steve, forcing him to answer. They exchanged head tilts and looks before Steve scoffed and gave in. “After she was assaulted last year, we had him keep an eye on her. He ended up staying on her couch for a few weeks and she knew about it. Nothing happened, he was just an additional safety precaution.”

“You g-guys didn’t bother to tell me about her getting attacked, or that s-she was training with Natasha,” Bucky spat out as he turned his anger on Steve. He shoved him hard, causing Steve to hit the opposite wall. “And you didn’t t-tell me you were monitoring her, having someone stay with her. I should have known about all this.”

“You were frozen, asshole,” Sam jabbed as he clenched his fists. “What were we supposed to do? Thaw you out so you could go be with her and risk all of us being found? We were fugitives! Scott only got to stay with her because he could dodge security getting into the US. Wanda met her because she was the only one who could get there fast enough to protect her. Steve and I spent months trying to figure out ways to get into the country, just so we could check on her a few times a year to then have to figure out how to get back out.”

Bucky was at a loss for words, trying to think of something to say back, but when he failed to find anything, he started swinging.

Wanda reached a hand out, freezing him where he stood, his fist just mere inches from Steve’s face. “I won’t let you move until you stop fighting us,” she warned, allowing Steve to move away from Bucky’s stilled assault.

They let him stay like that for a moment, watching his breathing calm. “Are you done being angry?” Steve asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Bucky nodded, and Wanda dropped her hand. Catching himself against the wall, Bucky let out a deep breath. “I just want her fucking number.”

“Well, you’re not getting it,” Sam smirked as he tilted his head.

“Fine,” Bucky growled, pushing himself away from the wall. He moved down the hallway quickly, getting away from his friends and closer to more alcohol. He bumped into Steve, pushing past him and Wanda to get through. “I’ll find her myself.”

I’d gotten the text from Sam at 2 am, warning, He left the compound, said he’d try to find you. We didn’t tell him where you’re staying but you know he’s resourceful. A minute later he added, and drunk. I hadn’t gotten any sleep, but the thought of hearing a heartbroken Bucky speak forced me even more awake.

It took him almost two hours to find me, and as he reached my door he knocked once softly and whispered my name. I stayed still, hoping he wouldn’t even hear me breathing. He knocked and called my name three more times, each time getting louder than the last. When he gave up on me answering, he slid his back down my door and I heard him unscrew the lid on a bottle. There was the swish of liquid moving as the bottle was turned upside down. He was still drinking.

“I hope this is actually your room,” he mused, speaking in his normal, low voice. “I had to do a lot of flirting with the girl at the front desk to get this number, but I don’t think she lied to me.”

I shifted upward in my bed, pulling my knees into my chest. That girl was a goner. I knew how Bucky flirted and I was sure drunk him had pulled out all the stops.

“Natasha told me where you were staying this afternoon, before…everything.” He took another drink. “She thought I’d be ending my night with you, here, in a different way.”

Nat didn’t have the same context to our relationship that Steve or Sam did. And Sam full and well knew what Bucky was walking into, even warning me that it might be a little harsh to do it so quickly. I hadn’t brought it up to Steve, but I was sure he had his suspicions.

“I just, I don’t get it. Was it really that bad without me for two years?” He paused, “Sam said you woke up crying when you did sleep, and then you didn’t sleep the rest of the time.” I nodded to myself, knowing he couldn’t see me. “I guess that’s the bad part of being frozen all the time, I never have a concept of time.”

The bottle swished again and I heard a small “ahhh” come from him as he gulped. I willed myself to stay where I was, knotting my hands together and rocking myself gently.

“I’m sorry about it all. About not being there, about not talking to you, about leaving you alone. I didn’t think about how you-, you’d feel about it. I just did what I thought was best for everyone.” His head thudded against my door as he rested his body against it. “I just, I don’t understand why you don’t want to make this work. I’m back. I’m here. We can be together now.”

I bit my lip to stop myself from answering.

“I-, I spent the last two months getting de-programmed and, and they kept telling me to focus on something positive that would come from all this. It was you. I was thinking about you, and us, being together. Being happy without fear of the asset showing up. Not worrying about hurting you.”

The bottle’s contents sloshed again.

“I guess, I shouldn’t have worried so much about the asset. I hurt you without that shit being involved.”

I laid down on my side, keeping myself tucked in the fetal position. Urging myself not to cry, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to picture how sad he must look outside my door.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I-, I just guess I still have a lot to work on. Having relationships and being a person is kinda new all over again. I’m not that monster anymore, so I guess I need to learn how to be a human again.”

Rocking back and forth, I fought every instinct to go to him.

“I miss you though, I mean, fuck, you’re 20 feet from me and it feels like you’re on the other side of the planet. I miss your laugh, and your smile, and your lips. You teasing me about plums,” he chuckled, the swish of liquor distracting him for only a moment before he continued in a softer tone, “and your smell, how soft you are.”

The glass bottle clanked against his teeth and I felt tears running down my cheeks. Raising a hand to my mouth, I made sure no sounds came from me.

“I miss your faith in me the most I think. You believed in me at a time when I didn’t think anyone would again. You trusted me when I wasn’t even sure I could trust myself.”

A yawn left his mouth and I tried to quit the hot tears from pouring from my eyes, but they wouldn’t stop.

“I guess this is how you felt for the last two years. I get it now, it’s really shitty. But we can be together, even if it’s not how you want it to be. We could still be happy, (Y/N).”

He threw the remains of the bottle back and the empty bottle thumped against the hallway carpet.

“I love you so much, I really do. More than anyone in my entire long, screwed up life. And I know you still love me. We could be so in love, together, finally.”

I heard his body slide down the wall and him roll onto his back. His fingers stroked the door as I heard him choke back a sob.

“I want you in my life so bad. You’re all I want from this fucked up life. I deserve you after all this. I deserve to be happy with you.”

Another yawn came through my door as his knuckles traced the design of the wood.

“But I can’t forget about all I did. I know it wasn’t me, but I still did all those things. I-, I can’t just pretend like that’s okay. I have to work to fix that. I have to help people now. It’s the right thing to do. It’s what I need to do in order to heal.”

He rolled onto his side, his jeans scratching the carpet.

“But I’m not okay with all or nothing. I can’t do that. I need something else, something more. I don’t know who I’ll be without you now.” He paused, breathing becoming more shallow. “I may be heartless and cold again. I may not care anymore.”

I pulled a pillow between my legs and buried my face into it, smothering every feeling and word I wanted to say in it.

“That’s a lie. I’m always gonna care. Maybe not about other things, but always about you. I’m not okay with any of this, (Y/N). I’m not. But it won’t stop me from loving you with every part of me.”

His breathing became louder as he relaxed, letting sleep take over. Just as he drifted off to unconsciousness he whispered, “I love you. I’m never gonna stop loving you, (Y/N). But I guess that’s all I can do.”

I stayed locked in my position, waiting for any other words to leave his mouth, but nothing came out but soft snores. I wished I could go to the door and peek at him sleeping peacefully, but I knew I’d fold. And if I wanted to be able to live my life without the fear and loneliness that depended on Bucky, I needed to leave him. This emotional hell wasn’t good for me. He was a handsome super soldier, with a good heart and kind soul. He’d find someone else to be happy with. And it hurt that it wouldn’t be me, but the pain softened knowing that he would be happy again, eventually. Whether that was through being a hero or falling in love. Bucky being happy was all I really wanted for him.

After another couple minutes I texted Sam that he’d fallen asleep and that other hotel goers would be waking up soon. 

He answered, Wanda and I will get him. I’m sorry about all of this.

I put my phone down and rolled onto my back, wiping the leftover tears from my face. I sighed, willing sleep to take over as I relaxed my muscles. A few minutes later I whispered to myself, and to Bucky, “I’m sorry about all this too.”

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