#like i'm STRUGGLING to eat and feeling like shit bc i'm starving but ''that's a good thing'' go fuck yourself

[quantum1mmortality]

Yeah, BOO!! Twst men kinks and shit idk

another writers block blurb LMAO

My one coworker bought me ice cream in exchange for a shenhe smut so I'm trying to get done the floyd smut im working on so I can get that to her </3 here's some filler so you guys don't go starving waiting for content

Cw!!! Fem reader, so much filth

NO ORTHO.

Two disclaimers this time: SOME OF THESE MY INCLUDE SAM AND CREWEL, WHEN THEY DO, READER IS NOT YUU FOR THEM. also not proofread teehee

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Loves doing it in public. The fear of you guys getting caught while also having everyone know that you're his turns him on to no extent. He'll be thrusting into you at such a high speed, hand over you mouth as he whispers things in your ear, "someone may hear us, you may wanna keep it down." He says that with the CHEEKIEST grin on his face, he KNOWS how much you're struggling 😭😭

♧Cater, lilia, leona, rook(?), floyd, jade, Sam(would do it in his store)♧

Really like soft, sensual sex. Views it more as "love making", as he puts it. Will be rough if you want him to, but would never hit you. It may be hard for him to be rough at first, give him time. But back to the love making thing, he just can't get enough of you. He loves missionary because he can see all of you, having you in such a vulnerable position and having you let him do this to you makes him feel so trusted. He'll be going at a fast enough pace. Telling you how much he loves you, how much he wants you and how he wishes he could stay like this forever. Seriously the bestest men ever.

♧trey, malleus, silver, azul, riddle, jamil, kalim, jack, deuce,♧

So in love with you he'd try anything you want. Wanna tie him up? He's okay with that. Blindfolds? Who needs to see anyway. Wanna piss in his mouth? He thinks about it for a minute, but decides he'd gladly be your trashcan. In a way, all he wants to do is please you, he wants you to pleasure yourself on him so bad he'd do anything for that to become a reality.

♧kalim, sebek, malleus, ROOK, ruggie(only if you give him donuts), deuce, riddle, azul♧

Possessive sex x10. Would see you with another man and would get so anxious you may leave him. Too much of a baby back bitch to talk to you directly about it so he takes his frustration out by fucking you really hard. Says he's sorry later and tries to talk about it later but he's too shy.

♧just idia♧

SOOOOOO into breeding. Literally so inlove with how his cum drips put of you once he's done. Can't wait until you guys are older that way you guys can actually make a family. Seriously in love with the mating press position and hearing his balls slap on your ass when he's fucking you so hard.

♧malleus, leona, rook, vil, trey, cater, jack, crewel, azul, jade, floyd, jamilly willy♧

Wouldn't mind fucking you infront of a crowd. Not the same as fucking you in public, I mean like ACTUALLY fucking you in front of a crowd. Having hundreds of people watch the two of you express your love to eachother turns him on, he'd really like to do it but wouldn't wanna overstep your boundaries.

♧malleus, kalim, vil, leona, lilia but specifically general lilia♧

Really loves foreplay and can get off just by mouth fucking you. It turns him on knowing how easily you can get overstimulated from his mouth or fingers. He never expects anything in return, and he usually does it after you have a bad day (with consent ofc) so you can unwind more easily. Always runs a nice warm bath after <3

♧malleus (does want something in return sometimes but would never force you), trey, cater, ace, deuce, leona, silver floyd, jamil, rook♧

Kind of on the same page as the last one, LOVES having you sit on his face. Holds you down by your thighs and eats you out for hours on end. Definitely the type of guy to grab you by your waist, one hand rubbing your clit as he bounces you up and down on his tongue. Looks cutely fucked out when he's done.

♧ughhhhhh everyone bc yes <3♧

Uses lots of pet names during sex, will call you things like "darling","beloved","princess", idk may call you schnookums. Type of guy to call you all of these in one breath.

♧leona, rook, vil, floyd, lilia♧

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A/n: might make a part two idk lololilol

[the-meowing-snake]

I love how people think it's always easy to lose weight. I have issues with ADHD (maybe Autism) im the way that I don't have the energy to do jackshit and don't like going outside much (slightly depressive?), especially in the heat. I gained weight. I will have to start to work out and due to my body clinging on to fat it will be easy to gain weight from muscles but hard to lose weight by losing fat.

And my partner comes from a family that had money issues for years, sometimes they had food until the 10th of the month and afterwards, well have fun. He is overweight and gained quite some weight in the last two years. Even if he only eats like 500 kcal per day (which is way too little, it's actually actively starving yourself) and walking a lot on the job (which is also painful for him so... Yay) and having a fuck ton of muscles over and under his fat he gains weight. "Just eat less and do more sports" he literally barely ate something for some time and gained weight. He can not walk much without his feet hurting, the more he walks the more it travels up until his knees, back, and head hurt. Doing sports with a lot of weight is hard. Fuck off with your "just can do it, if you don't lose weight you just don't want it enough to do something about it" ideology and educate yourself before you speak.

If you don't know how hard (or even impossible) it is to lose weight then don't talk about it.

Shut up, full stop. I don't wanna hear about your "I gained 10 pounds when I got broken up with but I started going outside and even 5 minutes of walking a day made a difference so it only took me two months before I was back to my weight without doing any sports. I know you can lose your 100 pounds just as easy, just try it". You don't know how it feels and how hard it is. You don't know how disheartening it is and how much of your motivation disappears when you just try to do easy exercise and feel like dying after 10 minutes bc you're fat and it's hard and it's hot and I don't have any strength left and I just wanna be able to do this one thing without looking like I just ran a marathon and it will take me a month until I won't die from easy exercise.

I don't say thin people who want to gain weight but struggle with it don't have it hard. I feel for you. But I'm so fed up with thin people whining about having gained 10 pounds and how they need to get rid of it or how easy you lost your weight when I just stand there having trouble to exist in this world. It's so much and I can't do it and I don't even have the energy to make myself 2 meals a day, do you really think I can just will my fat away? It's hard and I just want to cut it off and I broke down multiple times bc I was a chubby teen and due to ADHD and depression I gained weight and I gained weight and I gained weight and I'm fat (not a bad word) and I can't get it off and I'm just tired of fighting against it, especially since it's a losing fight. But I don't have the money to buy myself new clothes all the time and there aren't many possibilities to buy clothes for bigger people and it's expensive as fuck and I just don't want to have to deal with all the issues that come with being fat. I want to cut my fucking fat away bc it causes me to feel bad most of the time and you laugh basically saying it's my own fault and it's easy to lose weight.

Shut up.

Nobody wants to hear the shit coming out of your mouth.

Get a heart and a brain and think for a moment. Maybe you'll change your mind then.

You know I wish fatphobia was less pervasive. Even among people who consider themself as progressive, it's rampant. So quick reminder. No it's actually not easy to stop being fat, and it sucks that we are treated differently for something we really can't control. Shaming a fat person for being fat, and shaming them for not having the "willpower" to become skinny- is bigotry. And if all you talk to fat people about is weight loss and dieting- congratulations! You're being a dick! Stop.

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

[akookminsupporter]

This is a Jikook blog, so I apologize for the slight off topic. But you always provide interesting and insightful thoughts on various topics, and Tae is ATM trending worldwide after posting a picture of himself on the scale...where it is obvious how severely underweight he is (his declared height is 179), and people are praising him for starving himself.

This is SO WRONG on so many levels, esp. bc in recent days he's had an IG update saying how tired and spent he's been feeling and how he hates being on a diet.

Jimin and jk had done the same at different moments in their life and even tho I feel like jk is the one with the 'healthier sense of self' (he's the only one who openly shared he never let his weight drop under 70kgs despite popular demand) all of them without exception are so conditioned by the idea of 'being thin' that it's freaking scary.

Can't we all stop praising people who are loosing too much weight, pretty please? I am asking this as sb who recovered from an eating disorder and knows very well how shitty and dangerous it is.

And I know how severe the environment is in south Korea if you are overweight, but fuck that shit. We have to start changing things by changing our perspective first. Thin does not equal powerful or good looking ffsake. The fact that BTS - the biggest artist in the world - feel the need to be alarmingly thin saddens me and sickens me to the core.

They are all so naturally good looking humans, I'd just like them to be happy and healthy and free.

TW: weight, diets, extreme diets.

This is a topic that is a bit complicated to deal with from personal experience. My body weight is something I've struggled with my whole life so I don't know if I'm the one to talk about it anon, but thanks for the vote of confidence.

I did see the picture obviously.

I don't know if saying he is 'severely underweight' is correct. You don't know that and I think experts have spoken out that it's not correct to base your weight on your height. You can't determine your "correct weight" by how tall you are alone. Many other things must be considered as well. I think you are judging without knowing.

It's true that BTS members often go on extreme diets that technically don't sound healthy at all but it's also true that I don't know their diet plans and I don't know if they do that with medical supervision, which they have hinted that they do.

We have also seen that they have workout routines that an 'extremely underweight' person would not be able to cope with for long and not to mention their choreography and practices.

I think all or many of us have been exposed in one way or another to that part of Korean culture which is not healthy at all although for them it is "normal" but it doesn't mean that it is something we should do as well. I think here it's more about understanding that what others do doesn't mean that you should do it too, we all have to understand that our bodies are different from each other.

Celebrating extreme dieting is not good, celebrating disproportionate eating is not good either and respecting but others is.

It's easy to criticise something from the outside but just because it's easy doesn't mean it's right.

The only thing I can say is that everyone should do what they think is right for their body and respect but not always imitate the decisions of others over their own.

I am so glad to read that you recovered from an ED, anon.

[jeweled-blue-eyes]

So the community of Death is the only ending for the Villainess in my country are totally fine with Penelope's and Siyeon's abusers. I really have to thank you for opening my eyes or else I'll be blind like them

Penelope's and Siyeon's adoptive families literally abused her,starved her and neglected her. Yet people used the excuse:"They just haven't opened their hearts to her and are struggling about how to express their true feelings to her". Ok sound like BULLSHIT

Like WTF??!!! They acted horrible and abusive to her so what's this about not expressing their "true feelings" ? I've seen cases of tsundere but this ain't about someone in denial or struggling with how they truly feel,this is about bastards who objectified a poor girl due to their oversized ego and mysogynistic morals, bastards who think a girl just need pretty stuff as apologies

They hurt her, that is the only truth there is. They only see her as an object of entertainment,one they used as they pleased.

They only cling onto her bc she acted unusual or intriguing as how they see it, which is usually weird to me as how everyone just love the girl when she's someone else. I mean it's understandable if they were strangers at first,but we're talking about abusers here

These men does not love or care about Penelope,they just found her interesting bc she's different now. It's all attraction not affection

All of this shit about "they treated her like shit but they actually care" are complete trash to me

vadd really seems to be full of abuse apologism and the readers eat that up. I'm concerned that the majority of them doesnt question anything and just accepts what the narrative presents to them. Critical thinking skills? Never heard of them. It's like they can't form their own opinion. Comment sections of Isekai manhwas all look the same as if they were AI generated. Anyone who doesn't echo the same opinion gets shut down quickly. They don't want a realistic portrayal of abuse survivors. If there's one they'll get frustrated or start to victim blame. *cough* I'll twist the neck of a sweet dog *cough*

When I first read vadd I was happy that the abuse was so severe because it would mean there was no way the author would find a way to excuse this kind of behaviour. It looked really like we were getting a revenge story. Imagine my disappointment when I got spoilered. You can't defend the duchy by saying it was just a misunderstanding. Calling Penelope slurs, denying her an education, isolating her from a social life, locking her up, starving her because she threw a tauntrum isn't being tsundere it's straight up abuse.

I have no problem if the vadd fandom simps for an abusive fictional character as long as they know what they do is abuse, but calling Penelope paranoid and partly guilty of the abuse as well is horrifying. How would the same readers react to an irl abuse case if they think the Eckarts behaviour is no big deal? I have the suspicion they only insist on the abuse being a misunderstanding because they think they are not allowed to simp for problematic characters if they aren't morally pure/misunderstood hence why they seek to justify their crimes somehow (hardcore Callisto stans are the greatest offenders here).

[blackberry-gingham]

Hey so I have this kind of hyper specific idea I’ve been rolling around in my brain like a gas station hotdog. SO, Mortimer was cast out from group (I don’t see our low self esteem boy leaving on his own) and he ends up on your property in the middle of nowhere. You feel bad for this guy who’s obviously not had a good time of it and offer him room and board in exchange for helping you around your fixer upper house you just bought. Idk idk something about making a home with him and giving him praise and gentle correction instead of mockery for the first time in his life has me feeling a certain way. He would have feelings but wouldn’t want to push his luck and you don’t want to take advantage of him as he has nowhere else to go so it’s mutual pining galore.

NEMSKWKWK OK BUT THE HOTDOG ANALOGY LITERALLY MADE ME LAUGH LMAOOOO

This turned into like a mini fic ig??? Sorry but yeah I had to go with this concept, I love it so much!!!! 😭😭

Ok you're going to have to forgive me bc I've got my southern gothic playlist going so I'm in a very specific Mood™ but like KSSKSKAKAK.

Just, reader living out by the bayou for this scenario. Toad of course is out there somewhere, but he is struggling. All kinds of gators and pests, you know? Kind of makes it suck, especially having to eat bugs and drink from the swamp and basically sleep in the mud.

He didn't think he'd be stranded out here for so long. Surely the others will want him back right? They'll come for him, drag him back, kick him about a little, and then things will go back to normal... Right?

He would've thought so, and yet here he lies. Surrounded by filth and steadily starving more and more as the days drag on.

By the time he comes across any sort of shelter, he's all worn down. He hopes through an open window to spend the night away from the swamp, and... that's that. It's basically abandoned, but it's intact enough to live in.

In fact that's just the reason you wanted it. A little place to truly make your own and far enough away from any annoyances of the outside world.

Although... You can't say the swamp doesn't get to you. They're just stories. Silly folk tales and such. But... They say things live out there.

Unnatural things.

You hardly believe in things like ghosts, but... Some nights you swear you see moving shadows.

When you come downstairs that morning... Shit, you swear you nearly had a heart attack. A stranger, a young man, you think... He's all but collapsed on your floor, laying in a small pool of mud and slimey water.

Of all the things he could've woken up to, a 12 gauge pointed at his face was about the last thing Mort expected. Looking just a little past the barrel, he's more surprised that you didn't just blow him into pulp. That's about the treatment he'd expect from a human, anyway...

You threaten him. Question him. But who gives a damn? If he runs out, he's dead. If he stays here, he's dead. At least the shotgun will put him out of his misery faster.

Your heart races with terror. Fuck fuck fuck... What is that thing?

Whatever he is, he refuses to speak. You're honestly not even sure if he can. The being watches you with enlarged, tired eyes. After some more effort and prodding from you to get him to do or say... Well, something... He just sighs and rolls them.

"Fuckin' hell, if you're going to shoot me will you just bloody do it?", he rolls over onto his stomach so he can no longer see what you're doing, "...I've had enough"

The accent catches you off guard almost more than the fact that he can actually speak. You don't want to push, but...

"You got a name at least?"

He picks his face up off the rough, worn out floorboards just enough to speak clearly, "Toad. Put that on the fucking headstone, will ya?"

You fix the back of his head with a bewildered look and lower your weapon. More confused than anything else, you see if you can keep him talking. Whatever he is... You don't want to kill him.

"Are you... From around here?"

He makes a strange noise... You'd almost say it sounded like an animal. Slowly, and with great difficulty not seems, he jerks himself off the floor.

"Does it bloody sound like it?", He huffs angrily, but... You don't feel particularly threatened. Scared? Maybe. Whatever the case, he seems to be doing worse off then you first thought.

Now that he's up, you can see him more clearly. He's young and awfully skinny, but looks to be around your age. He reeks of the bayou and is encrusted with mud and filth. Aside from that, you can't possibly miss the way he's holding his side.

Is that mud or... blo-?

Toad jerks to the side to stop your staring. Then winces in pain. He gives a weary sigh of resignation. The aggressive front melts away.

His voice is soft, quiet. He sighs. Then, as though he doesn't want you to hear, "...Forget it"

He brushes past you, limping his way towards the door.

You stop him.

"Wait... You're hurt?"

Toad freezes at your touch. His shirt is stiff from nights upon nights in the mud and swamp. Your hand is clamped tightly around this wiry bicep. It doesn't hurt, but... Well he can't help but be atunned.

How long has it been since he's felt a touch, and not a strike?

Snap out of it. He shakes out his mop of hair, then fixes you with a sneer, "What do you care?", He jerks his arm free, only to cause himself double the pain.

"Well... I don't want you getting yourself done in even worse out there, is all. Patch you up before you go?"

He thinks about it for a moment. He'll heal from it... Eventually. But he's gotta say, nearly thought he was done for when that gator got a hold of him.

Toad looks from his side... To your gun... And to you.

He's dead anyway if he leaves...

"What the hell...", he sighs with great exhaustion, "Fine"

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Hey hey! Song anon here! I know this isn't the most romantic song but it reminds me of how spamton struggles with mental health/his trauma and how I'd imagine he'd be around affectionate since he's so touch starved

The song is called people eater by sodikken on YT

(Link: https://youtu.be/mXVm36pKZCA)

I may make a fanfic because it may be too long to explain why but I'll try to summarize it as best as I can.

Basically I found this song yesterday and despite the title the lyrics make me think it's someone talking about how they just want some sort of affection but they paint themselves to be destructive and "hungry" for more like a monster and undeserving of love and being baffled that the person they feel they're leeching off is still very welcoming to them. Now I don't know if that's the intended meaning of the song but in terms of a Spamton x reader type thing it fits him in some way. The person in the song talks about living in a garbage situation basically and the person who too them in is "free" but chooses to keep said person singing with them. In context of Spamton he's finally being given a home, for the song I imagine it's spamton fighting with himself while occasionally the reader(s/o) interjects with stuff like the "let's eat together as a family" being comforting and easing spamton into the mindset that they are infact there for him because it's true they want to provide things for him bc they love him! But he thinks he doesn't deserve it. I hope this made sense! If I do make the fanfic if you'd like I'll tag you or send it in the asks for you and others interested!

-song/songfic anon

(side note, I hope you don't mind me sending song stuff as like something to look at during downtime or as a source of something hopefully uplifting or similar. Right now I'm stuck in Spamton brainrot please forgive me.)

SHITTING TEARS FR /pos

If you make this fic I beg you to tag me in it

[bondsmagii]

sorry if you've been asked this before but u got any thots on like. not hating yourself. I'm trying to be positive like how ppl say to be but the thing is that I feel like I'm a rotten person and I can't believe any positive things abt myself, even coming from other people. I'm trying to just plod forwards and work on myself and not think abt it but I'm so deeply unhappy w everything abt myself and idk how to fight it, bc all the positive self talk shit just feels like self-delusion

man I feel ya tbh. “fake it til you make it” is good advice but there does come a point where it no longer works, or sometimes you start at a point where it just doesn’t seem like it could ever be sincere. I think in such cases it’s important to think smaller. instead of thinking grand things, just reaffirm to yourself that you deserve to be alive, you deserve to take up space, you’re trying your best, you’re not perfect but you’re trying to change that, etc. sometimes all you can do is assure yourself that you deserve to be alive, and you deserve to give yourself a chance, and then work from there.

secondly I would say to work on changing yourself, but it looks like you’re already doing that. so instead I’ll say not to give up, even though it’ll be tempting at times. I mean, when you work so hard and there’s no apparent progress, it can be so disheartening. but remember that these things take time. they can take a lot of time. and you’re viewing your progress from a very critical internal point, so of course you’re only going to see all the places you haven’t improved yet. if possible, try and keep a journal. this helps me exponentially when I’m looking back and trying to see behaviour patterns/areas I struggle/things that trigger downward spirals/places I’ve improved/etc.

finally, try not to see any positivity as deluding yourself. it can seem that way, but try to see it as an affirmation rather than a statement. if you need to, think of things in future tense (”I will be” and “things will”, etc), or as an in progress thing (”I’m on my way to”, etc). seeing things as a tangible goal might help you remember that you are on a journey, and therefore it’s important to remember to go a little easier on yourself because all these changes are still in progress. and even if it still feels like nothing, you’re still further than when you started, which counts for something.

sometimes, though, it’s gonna suck. inevitably. when that happens, I’ll be honest. doing anything seems pointless, so I kind of ask myself “if you had a pet, would you deny them this?”. if I don’t want to eat, or sleep properly, or get in the shower, or rest when I know I need it, or look after myself when I’m sick, or any of those things that’s difficult to do when you hate your entire being, I think about if I had a cat or a dog and how I would treat them. I wouldn’t starve my pet, or deprive them of sleep, or deny them treatment when sick, so I shouldn’t do the same to myself. it does help me push through and do what’s best if I view myself from what’s then a more sympathetic lens. (I’ve seen other people suggest picturing yourself as a child, and looking after them in a similar way to this.)

learning to love yourself is a difficult process, and before it comes several other stages: learning to tolerate yourself, learning to accept yourself, learning to respect yourself, etc. like learning anything, it all takes time, and again like any learning, beating yourself up over your mistakes (real or perceived) is detrimental. you’ll get there, but you have to keep making the conscious decision to give yourself that chance.

[noosesurroundsme]

I'm so sick of everything. I don't know if I'm going to get sleep tonight because the cops just left because my brother is a fucking idiot and he's lucky he wasn't arrested. (I seriously would like to know how he's turning out so much different. I can admit I got in trouble and I didn't do well in school. I did drugs... But I didn't steal or cheat.)

And this virus shit with everyone acting crazy. I seem like I'm fine but I'm kind of scared. I've been eating more lately and feel like a gluttonous whale. I hope it does something for my immune system so I don't get sick. But I want to starve so badly. Now that I'm working again I've been thinking about the debts I have and really want to pay off my dues for Planet Fitness and go back to working out daily. Idk how I'd fit it into my schedule since there isn't one near me or work and I don't get out until 9:30. The bus wouldn't get me there with enough time to work out before the bus system shuts down for the night. And mornings don't really work bc I don't sleep well since I can't take my Ambien at all anymore. I'm too afraid I'll over sleep or it won't wear off so I can get ready quickly and functionally. But I'm back in triple digits and I want to die. I hate my body so fucking much and I want to tear my skin off because I'm pig. I need to take lax again too. I need to wean myself back off the sweets and go back to my safe foods and figure out what needs to change at 95 for me to continue losing after that because before I was stuck. I wasn't eating over my max, but I wasn't losing. Maybe now with this job and the higher activity level I'll be able to. And I know I don't want to lose this job but my ED is the only thing I'm good at. Even being told I'm the smallest at work I don't feel like it, I feel like a whale. I learned how to cut rotors the other day and I struggled to carry them because they were for a big pickup so they were huge and heavy. I have no muscle strength and I'm just a fatty gluttonous piece of shit. I need to get back in double digits and under 95. I'm not me without the disorder.

I'm sorry for rambling or being triggering but my head is a mess, I'm tired and overwhelmed. This isn't even close to all of what I need to get off my chest. Maybe I need to pay the $120 I owe my therapist so I can see about going to her again. She's the only person I trust. She will listen and I listen to her. She gets through to me. She got me to cry which isn't easy to do. But she won't ship me off to the hospital the second I lose a little weight or cut one time like others have or have tried to do.

I'm sorry I'm rambling again I'm sorry imsorryimsoryimsorry

[taesthetes]

Hi! It's jilt anon again ,, and I forgot to mention (even tho this is smth in the medical field) I've always loved the idea of being a psychological therapist. A lotta ppl who are in therapy always say that they hate their therapist or that they don't need it, but I've always loved the idea of helping people. I've gone thru tough times , and I still am , I'm very insecure and some people might say "wow you think you're ugly big deal" but it's resorted to some ways that I'm not very proud of- 1/1

(omg I put 1/1 it’s supposed to be a ? Apologies) 2/? -nowadays, people my age are going thru tough times, and I’ve always wanted to help people who struggle too. Since I’m probably never ever gonna come off anon, I’ll just rant on here (if that’s okay if it’s not just say so) I’m only 13 and ppl might think I’m over acting or whatever but what I think so what I think so screw yall haters. I’m a very self conscious person, and I used to have an eating disorder -

(3/?) - its not super extreme where I starved myself to the bone, I’ve never had the will to do that to myself, I’ve resorted to not eating breakfast and if I do, I bring it w me into the car and to school and I throw it away once class starts, I skipped lunch, and I ate less than half of my plate during dinner. I’ve stopped that, but I’m still insecure and only eat dinner everyday. I have monsters in my head, and nothing is worse than waking up in morning to realize that its another day-

(4/?)-to hide myself. At first I started to wear makeup to hide my face , but after a year Its become my passion, and I actually love applying it. I still get shit for wearing it bc apparently I “try too hard” but I do my best to igngote it. I’ve never thought I was good enough, and honestly I still don’t. I’m only 13 but people my age are going thru stuff like this too, and it’s hard. My parents don’t know, and the only person I can talk to is my friend who knows what I’m going thru -

(5/?) I’ve never really had a best friend too?? Or I’ve never been anyone’s best friend. Something like that, I have a lot of regular friends, but I don’t know what it’s like to be able to talk to someone in the middle of the night, to have a sleep over w someone other than my cousin, to tell secrets to someone, I’ve never known what that’s like. I’m sorry if I seem like I’m trying to get a pity party, but I just wanted to rant. Sometimes the thoughts in my head become to much -

(6/6) and I have to break a razor. And omg I feel like an attention whore but thank you so much for taking time to respond and read. Idk what the world would do w/o ppl like you 😦 have an amazing day!! (I saw your selfies and omfg you’re beautiful!!) -jilt anon

hey, sunflower!! how have you been? i’m gonna put my answer under the cut because it got really long oops

oooh, that’s a great major; two of my friends are majoring in psychology and want to become therapists as well! and being a psychological therapist is definitely a wonderful way to help people. but oh sunflower, i’m sorry you had to go through insecurities and having insensitive people be unkind ): that’s really rude of them to say such things, and i really hope they stopped being hurtful.

(and that’s ok!! 1/1 just reminds me of shinee’s 1 of 1 so it’s all good aha) but yes, i agree; everyone i know is incredibly stressed out and going through their personal issues, so therapists are really helpful. and yes, you’re always welcome to rant to me! i’m always here to listen if you ever want to talk :) i don’t think you’re overacting at all. regardless of age, everyone has their battles.

first off, i’m so sorry you had to go through all this. eating disorders are awful, and i had thoughts about starving myself when i was younger, but i’m thankful my past self never did it in the end. and, i’m really glad you’re getting better. it’s great that you’ve taken the step of fully eating during dinner time, and i really hope you start to eat for breakfast and lunch as well. it doesn’t have to be a big meal; start small with maybe a banana for breakfast? or a fruit smoothie? and maybe some carrots and dip for lunch? and slowly expand your lunch from there? i really don’t want you skipping meals ): it’s not good for your body, but i’m proud that you are now eating dinner! keep going! you can get through this, sunflower!! 

i know it’s hard to get rid of your insecurities immediately, but it’s a gradual process of building up your self esteem. something i like to do is to give myself one compliment every day or accomplish something everyday. it doesn’t have to be something grand. you can say something like “i took a shower today. i took care of myself well today.” i too have those monster thoughts sometimes, and it takes baby steps to build up your confidence, but i know, one day, you’ll wake up and feel proud of yourself.

and that’s amazing!! i think it’s so cool that you love makeup. i always think it would be fun to be able to blend and create different looks, but i’m not very good at makeup unfortunately. usually, my sister or my friends do it for me if it gets fancier than eyeliner and mascara. just ignore all those people, sunflower /: you do you, and wear all the makeup you want if you love it. i’m proud of you for doing what makes you happy and paying no attention to those people. 

i know you might not want to do this, but i really think you should talk to your parents about this if you’re struggling a lot. your parents will want to help you, and they can get you help if you need it. but i’m glad you have someone to talk to about this!

having close friends and not a best friend is good, too. and you have your cousin! you mentioned that she was your best friend before, i believe? so you are having sleepovers and sharing secrets with your best friend :D and there’s no need to apologize! i’m always here to listen to whatever you’d like to say. and omg please don’t use a razor. please, please, please, if you ever have thoughts of using a razor, please come and talk to me instead. i’m always here for you.

and please don’t think of yourself that way! thank YOU for always stopping by and talking to me! i enjoy talking to you :) asdkjhfas you’re too kind omg thank you so much and i hope you have a lovely day, too!! 😦 (and thank you adjkfahsdf i’m sure you’re just as gorgeous if not more!)