#like i'm STRUGGLING to eat and feeling like shit bc i'm starving but ''that's a good thing'' go fuck yourself

[theorderofthetriad]

"i've lost my appetite recently :(" "well that's a good thing" killing you killing you killing you killing you

[quantum1mmortality]

Yeah, BOO!! Twst men kinks and shit idk

another writers block blurb LMAO

My one coworker bought me ice cream in exchange for a shenhe smut so I'm trying to get done the floyd smut im working on so I can get that to her </3 here's some filler so you guys don't go starving waiting for content

Cw!!! Fem reader, so much filth

NO ORTHO.

Two disclaimers this time: SOME OF THESE MY INCLUDE SAM AND CREWEL, WHEN THEY DO, READER IS NOT YUU FOR THEM. also not proofread teehee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♧♧~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loves doing it in public. The fear of you guys getting caught while also having everyone know that you're his turns him on to no extent. He'll be thrusting into you at such a high speed, hand over you mouth as he whispers things in your ear, "someone may hear us, you may wanna keep it down." He says that with the CHEEKIEST grin on his face, he KNOWS how much you're struggling 😭😭

♧Cater, lilia, leona, rook(?), floyd, jade, Sam(would do it in his store)♧

Really like soft, sensual sex. Views it more as "love making", as he puts it. Will be rough if you want him to, but would never hit you. It may be hard for him to be rough at first, give him time. But back to the love making thing, he just can't get enough of you. He loves missionary because he can see all of you, having you in such a vulnerable position and having you let him do this to you makes him feel so trusted. He'll be going at a fast enough pace. Telling you how much he loves you, how much he wants you and how he wishes he could stay like this forever. Seriously the bestest men ever.

♧trey, malleus, silver, azul, riddle, jamil, kalim, jack, deuce,♧

So in love with you he'd try anything you want. Wanna tie him up? He's okay with that. Blindfolds? Who needs to see anyway. Wanna piss in his mouth? He thinks about it for a minute, but decides he'd gladly be your trashcan. In a way, all he wants to do is please you, he wants you to pleasure yourself on him so bad he'd do anything for that to become a reality.

♧kalim, sebek, malleus, ROOK, ruggie(only if you give him donuts), deuce, riddle, azul♧

Possessive sex x10. Would see you with another man and would get so anxious you may leave him. Too much of a baby back bitch to talk to you directly about it so he takes his frustration out by fucking you really hard. Says he's sorry later and tries to talk about it later but he's too shy.

♧just idia♧

SOOOOOO into breeding. Literally so inlove with how his cum drips put of you once he's done. Can't wait until you guys are older that way you guys can actually make a family. Seriously in love with the mating press position and hearing his balls slap on your ass when he's fucking you so hard.

♧malleus, leona, rook, vil, trey, cater, jack, crewel, azul, jade, floyd, jamilly willy♧

Wouldn't mind fucking you infront of a crowd. Not the same as fucking you in public, I mean like ACTUALLY fucking you in front of a crowd. Having hundreds of people watch the two of you express your love to eachother turns him on, he'd really like to do it but wouldn't wanna overstep your boundaries.

♧malleus, kalim, vil, leona, lilia but specifically general lilia♧

Really loves foreplay and can get off just by mouth fucking you. It turns him on knowing how easily you can get overstimulated from his mouth or fingers. He never expects anything in return, and he usually does it after you have a bad day (with consent ofc) so you can unwind more easily. Always runs a nice warm bath after <3

♧malleus (does want something in return sometimes but would never force you), trey, cater, ace, deuce, leona, silver floyd, jamil, rook♧

Kind of on the same page as the last one, LOVES having you sit on his face. Holds you down by your thighs and eats you out for hours on end. Definitely the type of guy to grab you by your waist, one hand rubbing your clit as he bounces you up and down on his tongue. Looks cutely fucked out when he's done.

♧ughhhhhh everyone bc yes <3♧

Uses lots of pet names during sex, will call you things like "darling","beloved","princess", idk may call you schnookums. Type of guy to call you all of these in one breath.

♧leona, rook, vil, floyd, lilia♧

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♧♧~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: might make a part two idk lololilol

[bbackonmybullshit18]

Lil baby rant CW

I am so so so done with people giving so much shit to people with 3ds like ana and mia. I'm so fucking fed up. They wanna praise people for being fat, like I fw body positivity OF COURSE I DO, but sometimes it's not body positivity and its just people prafyically saying "it's okay to be so fat you can't find clothes in your size." No bcs that'd not normal, being anorexic isn't healthy either but in this world I feel like it's more common to be morbidly Obese. Anyways that's not rlly what I'm mad abt.

Im also pissed off that people are so against weight loss injections like ozempic. Yeah. First of all, that's litterally a private medication, if someone is eligible and wants to take it for whatever reason who tf are you to call them a DEMON over it. My mum takes a weight loss medication because she was litterally struggling with a bad binge eating disorder and was almost type 2 diabetic and couldn't get ANY help vcs there's no help out there, especially in the UK, for adults with eating disorders, let alone binging because its SO NORMALISED.

If I want to lose weight, that's my fucking business. How I do it is my business. I'm 19 years old, I'm legally an adult, I know the consequences of what I'm doing but I'm not pro ana going round forcing everyone into this Ed like it's a cult and I worship ana like shes my god. To me, what I'm doing is just a HARSH diet. And maybe it is also a disorder, but why does that mean that you can call me every horrible name under the sun when I'm just minding my own business and trying to get thinner after all my life PEOPLE LIKE YOU called me fat- but now fat is supposed to be a positive thing? Wtf? So you can only be skinny if you have a fast metabolism and if you don't and try to lose weight in any way suddenly you're a disordered tumblr demon??? What the fuck is that.

You go to the gym to thin down - you're a gym rat, addicted to exercise and only eat protein.

You starve/restrict to lose weight - you're an anorexic tumblr demon HAHAHAHA LETS ALL LAUGH AT HOW WE CAN SEE THEIR BONES.

You take a medication to lose weight for your mental state or physical health - you're an ozempic demon, take the ozempic bcs ur too lazy to try and eat healthy.

You eat a healthy balanced meal, happy with ur midsize body but don't have a fast metabolism - you're fat and should lose weight.

You're obese and too lazy to change it - it's okay! Be happy in your own skin! Body positivity!

And the only people you ever see shaming others for their diet, body etc. Is fucking skinny people. Skinny people with fast metabolism who've never had to try.

[codename3]

Trying to deal with the fact that I can't lose weight this week because I'm having a cold. I don't want to be sick forever.

If I feel like shit bc I'm starving it's fine.

But not when I'm just sick.

I need to accept it somehow.

Today turned out, I don't have a clue how to eat normally and don't know what's a normal intake. Can't remember the last time I even tried to not be in a deficit.

And I'm afraid to eat too much because my metabolism is fuckd. I'll probably gain pretty fast.

Tomorrow I'll just try to have a snack at 3 pm or so. Maybe I should get myself some bread for this week. Usually rice cake is my "bread".

All that struggle shows that I'm not even planning to ever recover.

[the-meowing-snake]

I love how people think it's always easy to lose weight. I have issues with ADHD (maybe Autism) im the way that I don't have the energy to do jackshit and don't like going outside much (slightly depressive?), especially in the heat. I gained weight. I will have to start to work out and due to my body clinging on to fat it will be easy to gain weight from muscles but hard to lose weight by losing fat.

And my partner comes from a family that had money issues for years, sometimes they had food until the 10th of the month and afterwards, well have fun. He is overweight and gained quite some weight in the last two years. Even if he only eats like 500 kcal per day (which is way too little, it's actually actively starving yourself) and walking a lot on the job (which is also painful for him so... Yay) and having a fuck ton of muscles over and under his fat he gains weight. "Just eat less and do more sports" he literally barely ate something for some time and gained weight. He can not walk much without his feet hurting, the more he walks the more it travels up until his knees, back, and head hurt. Doing sports with a lot of weight is hard. Fuck off with your "just can do it, if you don't lose weight you just don't want it enough to do something about it" ideology and educate yourself before you speak.

If you don't know how hard (or even impossible) it is to lose weight then don't talk about it.

Shut up, full stop. I don't wanna hear about your "I gained 10 pounds when I got broken up with but I started going outside and even 5 minutes of walking a day made a difference so it only took me two months before I was back to my weight without doing any sports. I know you can lose your 100 pounds just as easy, just try it". You don't know how it feels and how hard it is. You don't know how disheartening it is and how much of your motivation disappears when you just try to do easy exercise and feel like dying after 10 minutes bc you're fat and it's hard and it's hot and I don't have any strength left and I just wanna be able to do this one thing without looking like I just ran a marathon and it will take me a month until I won't die from easy exercise.

I don't say thin people who want to gain weight but struggle with it don't have it hard. I feel for you. But I'm so fed up with thin people whining about having gained 10 pounds and how they need to get rid of it or how easy you lost your weight when I just stand there having trouble to exist in this world. It's so much and I can't do it and I don't even have the energy to make myself 2 meals a day, do you really think I can just will my fat away? It's hard and I just want to cut it off and I broke down multiple times bc I was a chubby teen and due to ADHD and depression I gained weight and I gained weight and I gained weight and I'm fat (not a bad word) and I can't get it off and I'm just tired of fighting against it, especially since it's a losing fight. But I don't have the money to buy myself new clothes all the time and there aren't many possibilities to buy clothes for bigger people and it's expensive as fuck and I just don't want to have to deal with all the issues that come with being fat. I want to cut my fucking fat away bc it causes me to feel bad most of the time and you laugh basically saying it's my own fault and it's easy to lose weight.

Shut up.

Nobody wants to hear the shit coming out of your mouth.

Get a heart and a brain and think for a moment. Maybe you'll change your mind then.

You know I wish fatphobia was less pervasive. Even among people who consider themself as progressive, it's rampant. So quick reminder. No it's actually not easy to stop being fat, and it sucks that we are treated differently for something we really can't control. Shaming a fat person for being fat, and shaming them for not having the "willpower" to become skinny- is bigotry. And if all you talk to fat people about is weight loss and dieting- congratulations! You're being a dick! Stop.

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

[akookminsupporter]

This is a Jikook blog, so I apologize for the slight off topic. But you always provide interesting and insightful thoughts on various topics, and Tae is ATM trending worldwide after posting a picture of himself on the scale...where it is obvious how severely underweight he is (his declared height is 179), and people are praising him for starving himself.

This is SO WRONG on so many levels, esp. bc in recent days he's had an IG update saying how tired and spent he's been feeling and how he hates being on a diet.

Jimin and jk had done the same at different moments in their life and even tho I feel like jk is the one with the 'healthier sense of self' (he's the only one who openly shared he never let his weight drop under 70kgs despite popular demand) all of them without exception are so conditioned by the idea of 'being thin' that it's freaking scary.

Can't we all stop praising people who are loosing too much weight, pretty please? I am asking this as sb who recovered from an eating disorder and knows very well how shitty and dangerous it is.

And I know how severe the environment is in south Korea if you are overweight, but fuck that shit. We have to start changing things by changing our perspective first. Thin does not equal powerful or good looking ffsake. The fact that BTS - the biggest artist in the world - feel the need to be alarmingly thin saddens me and sickens me to the core.

They are all so naturally good looking humans, I'd just like them to be happy and healthy and free.

TW: weight, diets, extreme diets.

This is a topic that is a bit complicated to deal with from personal experience. My body weight is something I've struggled with my whole life so I don't know if I'm the one to talk about it anon, but thanks for the vote of confidence.

I did see the picture obviously.

I don't know if saying he is 'severely underweight' is correct. You don't know that and I think experts have spoken out that it's not correct to base your weight on your height. You can't determine your "correct weight" by how tall you are alone. Many other things must be considered as well. I think you are judging without knowing.

It's true that BTS members often go on extreme diets that technically don't sound healthy at all but it's also true that I don't know their diet plans and I don't know if they do that with medical supervision, which they have hinted that they do.

We have also seen that they have workout routines that an 'extremely underweight' person would not be able to cope with for long and not to mention their choreography and practices.

I think all or many of us have been exposed in one way or another to that part of Korean culture which is not healthy at all although for them it is "normal" but it doesn't mean that it is something we should do as well. I think here it's more about understanding that what others do doesn't mean that you should do it too, we all have to understand that our bodies are different from each other.

Celebrating extreme dieting is not good, celebrating disproportionate eating is not good either and respecting but others is.

It's easy to criticise something from the outside but just because it's easy doesn't mean it's right.

The only thing I can say is that everyone should do what they think is right for their body and respect but not always imitate the decisions of others over their own.

I am so glad to read that you recovered from an ED, anon.

[brotherslayer]

So the community of Death is the only ending for the Villainess in my country are totally fine with Penelope's and Siyeon's abusers. I really have to thank you for opening my eyes or else I'll be blind like them

Penelope's and Siyeon's adoptive families literally abused her,starved her and neglected her. Yet people used the excuse:"They just haven't opened their hearts to her and are struggling about how to express their true feelings to her". Ok sound like BULLSHIT

Like WTF??!!! They acted horrible and abusive to her so what's this about not expressing their "true feelings" ? I've seen cases of tsundere but this ain't about someone in denial or struggling with how they truly feel,this is about bastards who objectified a poor girl due to their oversized ego and mysogynistic morals, bastards who think a girl just need pretty stuff as apologies

They hurt her, that is the only truth there is. They only see her as an object of entertainment,one they used as they pleased.

They only cling onto her bc she acted unusual or intriguing as how they see it, which is usually weird to me as how everyone just love the girl when she's someone else. I mean it's understandable if they were strangers at first,but we're talking about abusers here

These men does not love or care about Penelope,they just found her interesting bc she's different now. It's all attraction not affection

All of this shit about "they treated her like shit but they actually care" are complete trash to me

vadd really seems to be full of abuse apologism and the readers eat that up. I'm concerned that the majority of them doesnt question anything and just accepts what the narrative presents to them. Critical thinking skills? Never heard of them. It's like they can't form their own opinion. Comment sections of Isekai manhwas all look the same as if they were AI generated. Anyone who doesn't echo the same opinion gets shut down quickly. They don't want a realistic portrayal of abuse survivors. If there's one they'll get frustrated or start to victim blame. *cough* I'll twist the neck of a sweet dog *cough*

When I first read vadd I was happy that the abuse was so severe because it would mean there was no way the author would find a way to excuse this kind of behaviour. It looked really like we were getting a revenge story. Imagine my disappointment when I got spoilered. You can't defend the duchy by saying it was just a misunderstanding. Calling Penelope slurs, denying her an education, isolating her from a social life, locking her up, starving her because she threw a tauntrum isn't being tsundere it's straight up abuse.

I have no problem if the vadd fandom simps for an abusive fictional character as long as they know what they do is abuse, but calling Penelope paranoid and partly guilty of the abuse as well is horrifying. How would the same readers react to an irl abuse case if they think the Eckarts behaviour is no big deal? I have the suspicion they only insist on the abuse being a misunderstanding because they think they are not allowed to simp for problematic characters if they aren't morally pure/misunderstood hence why they seek to justify their crimes somehow (hardcore Callisto stans are the greatest offenders here).

[blackberry-gingham]

Hey so I have this kind of hyper specific idea I’ve been rolling around in my brain like a gas station hotdog. SO, Mortimer was cast out from group (I don’t see our low self esteem boy leaving on his own) and he ends up on your property in the middle of nowhere. You feel bad for this guy who’s obviously not had a good time of it and offer him room and board in exchange for helping you around your fixer upper house you just bought. Idk idk something about making a home with him and giving him praise and gentle correction instead of mockery for the first time in his life has me feeling a certain way. He would have feelings but wouldn’t want to push his luck and you don’t want to take advantage of him as he has nowhere else to go so it’s mutual pining galore.

NEMSKWKWK OK BUT THE HOTDOG ANALOGY LITERALLY MADE ME LAUGH LMAOOOO

This turned into like a mini fic ig??? Sorry but yeah I had to go with this concept, I love it so much!!!! 😭😭

Ok you're going to have to forgive me bc I've got my southern gothic playlist going so I'm in a very specific Mood™ but like KSSKSKAKAK.

Just, reader living out by the bayou for this scenario. Toad of course is out there somewhere, but he is struggling. All kinds of gators and pests, you know? Kind of makes it suck, especially having to eat bugs and drink from the swamp and basically sleep in the mud.

He didn't think he'd be stranded out here for so long. Surely the others will want him back right? They'll come for him, drag him back, kick him about a little, and then things will go back to normal... Right?

He would've thought so, and yet here he lies. Surrounded by filth and steadily starving more and more as the days drag on.

By the time he comes across any sort of shelter, he's all worn down. He hopes through an open window to spend the night away from the swamp, and... that's that. It's basically abandoned, but it's intact enough to live in.

In fact that's just the reason you wanted it. A little place to truly make your own and far enough away from any annoyances of the outside world.

Although... You can't say the swamp doesn't get to you. They're just stories. Silly folk tales and such. But... They say things live out there.

Unnatural things.

You hardly believe in things like ghosts, but... Some nights you swear you see moving shadows.

When you come downstairs that morning... Shit, you swear you nearly had a heart attack. A stranger, a young man, you think... He's all but collapsed on your floor, laying in a small pool of mud and slimey water.

Of all the things he could've woken up to, a 12 gauge pointed at his face was about the last thing Mort expected. Looking just a little past the barrel, he's more surprised that you didn't just blow him into pulp. That's about the treatment he'd expect from a human, anyway...

You threaten him. Question him. But who gives a damn? If he runs out, he's dead. If he stays here, he's dead. At least the shotgun will put him out of his misery faster.

Your heart races with terror. Fuck fuck fuck... What is that thing?

Whatever he is, he refuses to speak. You're honestly not even sure if he can. The being watches you with enlarged, tired eyes. After some more effort and prodding from you to get him to do or say... Well, something... He just sighs and rolls them.

"Fuckin' hell, if you're going to shoot me will you just bloody do it?", he rolls over onto his stomach so he can no longer see what you're doing, "...I've had enough"

The accent catches you off guard almost more than the fact that he can actually speak. You don't want to push, but...

"You got a name at least?"

He picks his face up off the rough, worn out floorboards just enough to speak clearly, "Toad. Put that on the fucking headstone, will ya?"

You fix the back of his head with a bewildered look and lower your weapon. More confused than anything else, you see if you can keep him talking. Whatever he is... You don't want to kill him.

"Are you... From around here?"

He makes a strange noise... You'd almost say it sounded like an animal. Slowly, and with great difficulty not seems, he jerks himself off the floor.

"Does it bloody sound like it?", He huffs angrily, but... You don't feel particularly threatened. Scared? Maybe. Whatever the case, he seems to be doing worse off then you first thought.

Now that he's up, you can see him more clearly. He's young and awfully skinny, but looks to be around your age. He reeks of the bayou and is encrusted with mud and filth. Aside from that, you can't possibly miss the way he's holding his side.

Is that mud or... blo-?

Toad jerks to the side to stop your staring. Then winces in pain. He gives a weary sigh of resignation. The aggressive front melts away.

His voice is soft, quiet. He sighs. Then, as though he doesn't want you to hear, "...Forget it"

He brushes past you, limping his way towards the door.

You stop him.

"Wait... You're hurt?"

Toad freezes at your touch. His shirt is stiff from nights upon nights in the mud and swamp. Your hand is clamped tightly around this wiry bicep. It doesn't hurt, but... Well he can't help but be atunned.

How long has it been since he's felt a touch, and not a strike?

Snap out of it. He shakes out his mop of hair, then fixes you with a sneer, "What do you care?", He jerks his arm free, only to cause himself double the pain.

"Well... I don't want you getting yourself done in even worse out there, is all. Patch you up before you go?"

He thinks about it for a moment. He'll heal from it... Eventually. But he's gotta say, nearly thought he was done for when that gator got a hold of him.

Toad looks from his side... To your gun... And to you.

He's dead anyway if he leaves...

"What the hell...", he sighs with great exhaustion, "Fine"

[halleymacleod666]

I'm at work and trying my best not to cry.

My boyfriend literally just told me "I'd start working out if I was you" bc we are gonna be at the beach (meaning bathing suits) in about 2 months time.

Ik he didn't mean anything bad by that but it fucking hurts.

And this isn't even the first time he said something like that, I feel like he uses every chance he gets to tell me to work out and to compare my body to other girls'. Sometimes he says it as a joke but it still fucking hurts.

He doesn't understand how much it hurts, I think he thinks he's just giving me constructive criticism. But to me it's so much more, I've been struggling for years with an eating disorder and feeling not good enough and now the only person I care about is basically just confirming that I'm not good enough...

Well at least I have extra motivation to starve now. When I saw those "I would start working out" words, to me it was like he was saying "you're not good enough, I don't wanna be seen in public with you, go lose some weight and tone up you fat pig". That might not be what he meant but that's what I heard.

Honestly this is the one that hurt the most, he said shit before too, once he showed me a picture of a girl on instagram and you could see her ass and "jokingly" he said "if you looked like that then I could truly love you". Also, once he again "jokingly" told me to workout and tone up or he'll find someone hotter.....

I'm never eating again!

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

hi I'm back again. Anyways; as always you don't have to answer if you don't wish! How do you think the residents would react to a young Pureblood MC? (I'm talking about young like a minor.) With that Gen Z in a nutshell personality. Obviously no romantic feelings, just in your opinion how do you think they'd react? all of my questions are just "coincidentally" oddly specific aren't they, totally

Oh shit whaddup I love the idea of Gen Z MC!!! Young pureblood it is, here we go! I’m going to be moving from the assumption that they’re like Comte/Leo; very sympathetic to humanity and sometimes have existential crises (trauma babeyyyyyyyyy). As such, I’ll also be assuming she’s not super close to her family given she rejects the larger vampiric hierarchy/superiority paradigm, memes and modernity, all that jazz

I hope this fits the bill! c:

Under a cut bc is a lonnnnnnng boi~ Click after Napo to see everyone else’s! No explicit triggers that I’m aware of, but if anybody sees anything I missed feel free to let me know

Comte’s reaction:

Absolute baby, he has decided this is his grandchild--no he will not change his mind or take constructive criticism. Get’s ESPECIALLY concerned when he starts to see signs of that “nothing in life matters 😎” nihilism, but doesn’t pester them about it or becomes naggy. Growing up he had similar issues with the prospect of eternal life surrounded by creatures with a mortal lifespan, so he doesn’t judge. He’s more like nah we all hit that vibe, let’s see if we can get their mind off it c: I feel like Gen Z really understand and appreciate the importance of culture and art, so I feel like they would bond a ton over trips to museums/plays/concerts! Invites them to tea time if he ever sees them particularly silent (ah yes, repression) or particularly tired, and does his best to ensure their safety without being intrusive (has briefed the men to escort/accompany her as needed, though Sebas usually does it).

If he sees fangs out around baby he will thrash the shit out of the perpetrator--unless it’s an accident. No excuses. That’s a child. Doesn’t give a FUCK if they’re another pureblood even with all the arranged marriage bullshit. He said what he said. (Remember that biting between vampires or vampire + human relations is considered something that’s only done between intimate partners, so he is having none of that for a minor)

Leonardo’s reaction:

Also certified granddad, but he’s the one that enables shenanigans and is just like “oh worm” when it comes to the existential dread (it’s a Tuesday). At first though Leo is basically that meme like: (Stupidman = Leo, Maddie = MC)

Not all purebloods are necessarily dangerous, but most are either incredibly indifferent to the plight of others (especially humans) or actively range from like playing social mind games to being sociopathic murderers/etc. the list goes on. As such, Leonardo is suspicious to no end until he sees that the kid really doesn’t have any ill will in her. She jokes with Sebas (they quote vines on the daily) and works with him normally; even when Leo asks Sebas he’s just “????? bro she’s just my kouhai, thanks for worrying tho”. One day he’s tasked with escorting her to grab groceries and assorted things for the mansion, and she freezes in place before bolting across the street. Turns out she saw a kid trip in the road and fall, and a carriage was moving fast from the other side--it likely wasn’t going to be able to stop. She scoops up the kid and holds them close, and when the parents try to thank her profusely she just seems more uncomfortable with the praise than triumphant. She didn’t want the kid to get hurt. If she could do something about it, it was as simple as that.

From that point on they’re hella chill and hang out together, usually just bonding in silence. If they’re an artist, he’ll offer them pointers and technique manuals--will help however he can. If not, they’ll just be reading together in the library now and again. If she falls asleep, he’ll tuck her in and watch over her (cue red eye meme when the door opens, but then it’s just Vincent so he c:). He’ll often pay close attention to her eating habits to make sure nothing’s amiss with her health since she’s still a growing pureblood. If she struggles with what she is a lot (given she’s sympathetic to human beings) he’ll synchronize his Rouge drinking with hers to make sure she doesn’t starve herself ;-;. Even if she’s just forgetful about drinking/eating, he’ll do what he can to make her life easier (that’s how he shows his affection uwu)

He will, of course, also tease her about being a baby until she kicks him in the shin while Comte sighs and tells him to knock it off with a smack upside the head

Napoleon’s reaction:

Not granddad energy, but you better believe he’s in a weird territory between sheer admiration and “I am your older brother now, eat your vegetables” “But I don’t even need vegetables” “Eat your vegetables and I’ll take you to a crepe shop” “............deal” 

Basically it’s unlikely MC is super close to her siblings or even has any (pureblood children are a rare feat) so she’s like......wary, but then she just ???? this is.....kinda nice? Just having somebody that cares in a chill way, but still fully encourages her to throw men across the street if they’re hurting women/children (high fives her every time). He’ll often invite her to the swordplay lessons with the kids alongside Isaac’s teaching; she’s free to join in the learning, or honestly just hang out with people closer to her age (he’s v concerned about her having friends that she can relate to and talk to freely). 

Protective in a subtle way, like Leonardo. Escorts her places and helps her carry groceries without fail when Sebas is running other errands. She becomes his crepe shop cover buddy whenever he has an intense hankering for sweets: “wanna go to that crepe shop around the corner” “you’re just too chicken to go alone, fool” “do you want crepes or not nunuche” “............BOKBOKBOK” “aight that’s it **gives her a noogie**” (they go anyway and have a marvelous time rating the crepes from best to worst, they got a whole list goin’) 

Glares Arthur down if he so much as LOOKS in her direction

Mozart’s reaction:

Mozart is just the “what is with this sassy, lost child?” meme. Doesn’t dislike them, but they are just not remotely threatened by his haughty disdain by any extension. And he HATES IT. The MC is always just “Okay, boomer” and he just ?????? He doesn’t know what it means but it’s openly dismissive, so he mad.

Like idk if y’all know this meme, but it’s the same energy as:

It’s only when he notices she’s always punctual and careful with his requests that he starts to warm up. For example, she makes him a mocha by combining the way he likes his coffee and hot cocoa to perfection when he falls asleep at his piano. (She feels bad for him after Comte explains because--though he’s got a stick up his butt--he’s clearly distressed in his new surroundings ;-; Plus, the kind of perfectionism Mozart exudes is an extension of internalized shame, and when she begins to see that she really shifts her approach.) As such, he begins to soften to her presence. He begins to see that she isn’t indifferent to his existence, it’s more that she sees no need for intimidation and believes admiration is earned (basic respect isn’t a privilege, it’s a right). When he figures that out, he stops being so barbed and terse--starts to relax. Offers to let her stay and listen to his pieces if she wants, and she’s honestly touched given his clear struggle with vulnerability. Cuddles with Schelm at the window as he plays, and they become good friends. 

As a result, Mozart becomes fiercely protective despite her sturdier nature as a pureblood and has hissed venom at Arthur about the fact that she is off fucking limits. Doesn’t leave her alone in the same room as the other men unless it’s with Jeanne or Comte; he don’t trust like that.

Arthur’s reaction:

Sweating a lot at the sudden collection of baleful eyes sticking to his back everywhere he goes, but figures he brought it on himself to an extent. That being said, he can’t really get a word in edgewise given she just walks away when he tries to engage in conversation or compliment her.

Tough nut to crack this one, but he doesn’t let it discourage him. The only way she’ll give him the time of day is to play chess--and she kicks his ass soundly every single time. He’s fascinated by her extensive analytic ability, but she keeps silent about her strategies and thinking. Dazai and Theo always love to watch him get his ass handed to him, but he considers it a really interesting experience; it gives him insight into her mind, no matter how much she tries to hide. Patient, efficient, brutal--this kid has seen some shit, probably.

It’s after that point he just concedes she probably won’t let him in, though it doesn’t diminish his curiosity about the future; and perhaps traces of dread. What does the future look like for both her and Sebastian to be that stoic and aloof? It worries him...

Vincent’s reaction:

Vincent is v v impressed by her sense of self, and honestly sees a lot of Theo in her. She’s a little more reticent than Theo, but she has this same commitment to protecting the vulnerable and penetrating through the lies/shitty convictions of others. She is not a person who bends easily, but even so there’s a quiet kind of gentleness to her: she always chats to him v calmly, asks if he needs anything and is doing okay, doesn’t get impatient when he drops things or forgets his apron for the laundry. I think he would respond very positively to her presence, even if it wasn’t intentional. He just brightens up like a little sun and asks her out to picnics for fun; he has no greater intention than enjoying her smile and silly antics (he doesn’t always understand the references, but the way she executes it with so much dry wit--like Theo--makes him laugh). He just feels the warmth of family/familiarity around her ;~;

Ironically, they’re both exceedingly concerned for the other because they’re too self-sacrificing jkashlgdks like this is 100% a case of “I can’t let a young lady risk getting hurt” “Vincent I’m literally indestructible please just let me do this” “But it still hurts” “But I don’t want you to scar--” (This conversation extends so long that the author felt it would be more beneficial to add an etc. here). 

He admires her and trusts in her abilities more due to the nature of her maturity, treats her like a cherished friend and sometimes younger sibling (not condescending but very indulgent; gives her the last of his sweets for example, or pats her on the head when she’s feeling gloomy--more of a wholesome puts her first). But make no mistake, he will throw hands in milliseconds if she gets ganged up on or can’t handle a threat--he just lets her handle most things bc she’s capable~

Isaac’s reaction:

Torn. Because on the one hand, she’s very serious and conscientious about her work--doesn’t want to inconvenience or trouble anyone--and he relates to that heavy.

HOWEVER.

She’s also got insanely chaotic energy when the mood strikes, so when Dazai starts doing his random shitfuckery you better believe MC is upping the ante. (I’m talking AH. ENSLAVED MOISTURE. levels). So Isaac essentially oscillates between thankful for her fortitude to bashing his head against a table for every second he knows her.

In all seriousness though, I would see Isaac as being pretty concerned. Like Vincent, they’re both self-sacrificing to a fault--and he doesn’t want that for her, especially given how young she is. Often tells her not to overdo it or to ask for help if she looks overwhelmed, though it’s not condemning; he says it softly with a neutral look on his face. (He considers it a Certified Mood^TM). He just wants to give back all the care she puts into helping around the house. He doesn’t feel right watching a kid work so hard without reminding her that she should find time to have fun and live for herself too. There will be plenty of time when she’s older to get serious.

He has a fairly easy time interacting with her because of his experience with kids; he takes her seriously (when she’s not clowning) and treats her autonomy with respect. If anything, she’s probably the protective one. She knows he’s an aberrant so she pays laser attention to when he’s suffering and brings him Rouge (not scared because she’s stronger than him and not human lmao, and she sees no need to put Sebastian at risk). When that uni pres pesters him, she goes cold and angry and asks the man to step off when she sees him start to downspiral. They’re essentially on equal footing (he has more life experience, she has more bodily strength/confidence). They're just chill and kind with each other (babies of the mansion, beloved by all).

Theodorus' reaction:

Because he is a manchild, he will be chill/generally indifferent until Vincent starts being indulgent with her (bro-con). He won't be violent or anything like that, but he will pout a storm and try to verbally shoo her away. Because she's a woman, intelligent, and likely a feminist--this will become hilarious because she will not remotely take him seriously. She will just ignore him or roast him in seconds before moving on with her day. Otherwise he doesn't care much because he doesn't have time to play babysitter (unless there's no one else to help).

At the most, he'll make sure she's safe and use the excuse that Vincent would be upset if he did anything less. If she likes/loves dogs and plays with King while she's there, he'll soften up and thank her for taking care of him. If she makes hella pancakes, he'll be the proudest about it--ruffling her hair. If she protects Vincent in any capacity, he'll be torn between jealous, grateful and impressed; he likes a kid that can hold their own and take responsibility within their abilities.

So their relationship is v much like a chill uncle with their niece; fond, but not necessarily super close or spend a ton of time together. He has his priorities, but he won't be an asshat (mostly).

Jeanne's reaction:

Jeanne is confused on so many levels. He doesn't dislike her spunk he's just staggered by her level of sheer reckless, righteous rage. (And he's a bit wary in the face of another pureblood as a potential enemy) but after a bit more time around her he relaxes. She's fairly simple to understand when you get to know her; cares about others to a fault, existential dread, overworks herself. Stays watchful, but he just treats her like the younger kids that Napoleon brings by the weapons shop when they need armor for practice. It can get a little funny because he’ll just be like “uhhhh uh kids like sweet stuff right? Here have some of the macaroons somebody brought by earlier, I don’t like ‘em that much anyway.” And she just “??? Thanks???” He doesn’t mind being around her, just doesn’t really know what to say so they often fall into comfortable silence after exchanging small talk. She likes that he isn’t complicated; what you see is what you get with Jeanne. It’s nice not to have to keep her guard up every second of the day,

When he sees her feeling particularly down, he’ll take her to that little field of white lilies behind the mansion during a full moon night. The silver light seems to make the petals emit an ethereal glow, and she makes him a flower crown in thanks. He listens kindly if she wants to talk, and if she doesn’t--that’s okay too; he’ll just give her a head pat.

Honestly he finds a lot of relief in the fact that she's a pureblood, because he feels less nervous about her being fragile or her getting fatally hurt when he’s not around. Will still be very gentle with her and protect her when she’s in proximity

Mission Status: Fucking Wholesome

Dazai’s reaction:

Big brother time? It’s big brother time!!!! He instantly makes it his subtle mission to look after her, though he’s v lowkey abt it. She takes one look at this depressed mofo climbing in through the window and just goes “aw yeah, this guy FUCKS” and they become besties at a glance. They basically make a game out of who can be the most absurd whenever they’re in the same room. Comte and Leo find it utterly hilarious, Napoleon is digging a grave for Isaac in the backyard (we all know his heart won’t be able to take it. Mozart is probably next. A moment of silence for our fallen.)

I just imagine them like that one post (@/acoolguy):

Dazai: You ever have to shake your leg because there’s a rock in it? MC: That’s your bones Dazai: Every day I learn some more

He’ll always share treats with her and brings her along for walks if she’s feeling wanderlust; he knows how hard it can be, how restless the heart becomes so far from home. He does his best to distract her with their ongoing jokes, but one day it starts raining very suddenly while they’re out. He rushes her under the nearest tree with broad, broad leaves and settles his haori/overcoat over her head. He looks incredibly serious as he looks to the sky--almost glowering at the dark clouds gathering, He doesn’t look at all like his usual fun-loving self in that split second, even though he’s back to his good-natured chirping “Guess we’ll just have to wait out the downpour. MC, are you cold? I should have been more careful.” She shakes her head and shares the coat with him, holding it out insistently until he relents. Their hands brush and she notices they’re freezing, but she doesn’t say anything. She seems to sense he has a lot on his mind, and leans her shoulder against his. The silence feels fragile; she doesn’t want to risk shattering it--shattering him. It is often said that it is an act of great courage to wipe away someone’s tears. But it can also be an act of great gentleness to turn away, to pretend one cannot see them fall (whether visible or not).

One day, after MC returns to her own time, Dazai returns to his room to find two shadows hanging from his window. Though a little crude--they’ve obviously been made by a beginner--it’s clear what they are. Rain ghosts. (Sebastian later explains it was MC’s wish that he have them, and Dazai only smiles very, very gently in response.)

Shakespeare’s reaction:

MC gets one look at him and knows something’s off. She can’t quite tell what it is, but he doesn’t feel like the rest of the family. She can sense something behind him, something lurking; but she can’t quite place it. (Comte has mentioned before that purebloods can sense each other, so I imagine MC knows right off the bat he isn’t a normal sired vampire--she just doesn’t know enough to identify exactly what it is.)

That being said, she is sus. He keeps talking like some kind of weird ass court jester/fae, and she hated his work when she had to do it for school (only enjoyed the Hamlet memes because, let’s be real, that shit is uproarious). When he tries to coax her to see Vlad with him, she says “'Sblood, do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you cannot play upon me.” And he just freezes in place before he starts laughing. Considers their battle of wills well-played, and warns her not to go out alone--doesn’t bother her again. Though sometimes enjoys listening to her conversations with others for good roast material. (No he is not taking notes, no this new chara is just fire and feral for no good reason--nothing to do with MC)

Sebastian’s reaction:

The l o r e, MC. Give him the forbidden pureblood lore. Will be incredibly curious and ask about what vampires are like outside of the mansion, for science of course. If he senses discomfort though his questions will die down completely--it’s not his intention to make her uncomfortable. He’s just curious! 

Despite his stoicism he’s actually a very, very understanding and warm person.  Will listen to any teenage jadedness or hopelessness with fond patience, recalling the days he was similar. He’ll offer what advice he can. He’s not one to be preachy, but if he sees someone at a loss, he’ll offer what he thinks might be a productive direction for them. Given her removal from her home and parents--even though she’s already well into high school--he’ll sympathize deeply with her position. Will be a firm but gentle guardian (hello Mansion Mom #2), offers her candy every time she does a chore exceptionally well or offers assistance without prompting. She’s sus and takes it reluctantly at first, but after she tries one in private secretly loves them. Sebas is just silently “you like krabby patties don’t you, squidward”. If she’s honest, she’s comforted by the sense of normalcy and care he gives, the harmless joking and easy respect for others (unless otherwise provoked).

When she finds out about his hobby considers him to be a Fucking Nerd^TM and wants to shove him into a locker, but in reality is endeared by how much he genuinely cares about the men. She thinks it’s a harmless fascination, and she senses the oddest...ephemerality about him. Because of this, she becomes pretty protective; he’s a human and he’s too nice for his own good. While she identifies in one sense, she worries in another. Pureblood are sturdy, but humans can’t necessarily sustain that kind of constant self-giving for long...

Also bc my tag game too strong adding it here: #i love the prospect of pureblood MC trying to bring Sebas and Napo together #MC: bruh i got this #Sebas, full of gay panic: wait, MC nO--

Meme tl;dr in the tags also for your enjoyment! I’m sorry this one took a little longer than most to finish!

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Hey hey! Song anon here! I know this isn't the most romantic song but it reminds me of how spamton struggles with mental health/his trauma and how I'd imagine he'd be around affectionate since he's so touch starved

The song is called people eater by sodikken on YT

(Link: https://youtu.be/mXVm36pKZCA)

I may make a fanfic because it may be too long to explain why but I'll try to summarize it as best as I can.

Basically I found this song yesterday and despite the title the lyrics make me think it's someone talking about how they just want some sort of affection but they paint themselves to be destructive and "hungry" for more like a monster and undeserving of love and being baffled that the person they feel they're leeching off is still very welcoming to them. Now I don't know if that's the intended meaning of the song but in terms of a Spamton x reader type thing it fits him in some way. The person in the song talks about living in a garbage situation basically and the person who too them in is "free" but chooses to keep said person singing with them. In context of Spamton he's finally being given a home, for the song I imagine it's spamton fighting with himself while occasionally the reader(s/o) interjects with stuff like the "let's eat together as a family" being comforting and easing spamton into the mindset that they are infact there for him because it's true they want to provide things for him bc they love him! But he thinks he doesn't deserve it. I hope this made sense! If I do make the fanfic if you'd like I'll tag you or send it in the asks for you and others interested!

-song/songfic anon

(side note, I hope you don't mind me sending song stuff as like something to look at during downtime or as a source of something hopefully uplifting or similar. Right now I'm stuck in Spamton brainrot please forgive me.)

SHITTING TEARS FR /pos

If you make this fic I beg you to tag me in it

[bondsmagii]

sorry if you've been asked this before but u got any thots on like. not hating yourself. I'm trying to be positive like how ppl say to be but the thing is that I feel like I'm a rotten person and I can't believe any positive things abt myself, even coming from other people. I'm trying to just plod forwards and work on myself and not think abt it but I'm so deeply unhappy w everything abt myself and idk how to fight it, bc all the positive self talk shit just feels like self-delusion

man I feel ya tbh. “fake it til you make it” is good advice but there does come a point where it no longer works, or sometimes you start at a point where it just doesn’t seem like it could ever be sincere. I think in such cases it’s important to think smaller. instead of thinking grand things, just reaffirm to yourself that you deserve to be alive, you deserve to take up space, you’re trying your best, you’re not perfect but you’re trying to change that, etc. sometimes all you can do is assure yourself that you deserve to be alive, and you deserve to give yourself a chance, and then work from there.

secondly I would say to work on changing yourself, but it looks like you’re already doing that. so instead I’ll say not to give up, even though it’ll be tempting at times. I mean, when you work so hard and there’s no apparent progress, it can be so disheartening. but remember that these things take time. they can take a lot of time. and you’re viewing your progress from a very critical internal point, so of course you’re only going to see all the places you haven’t improved yet. if possible, try and keep a journal. this helps me exponentially when I’m looking back and trying to see behaviour patterns/areas I struggle/things that trigger downward spirals/places I’ve improved/etc.

finally, try not to see any positivity as deluding yourself. it can seem that way, but try to see it as an affirmation rather than a statement. if you need to, think of things in future tense (”I will be” and “things will”, etc), or as an in progress thing (”I’m on my way to”, etc). seeing things as a tangible goal might help you remember that you are on a journey, and therefore it’s important to remember to go a little easier on yourself because all these changes are still in progress. and even if it still feels like nothing, you’re still further than when you started, which counts for something.

sometimes, though, it’s gonna suck. inevitably. when that happens, I’ll be honest. doing anything seems pointless, so I kind of ask myself “if you had a pet, would you deny them this?”. if I don’t want to eat, or sleep properly, or get in the shower, or rest when I know I need it, or look after myself when I’m sick, or any of those things that’s difficult to do when you hate your entire being, I think about if I had a cat or a dog and how I would treat them. I wouldn’t starve my pet, or deprive them of sleep, or deny them treatment when sick, so I shouldn’t do the same to myself. it does help me push through and do what’s best if I view myself from what’s then a more sympathetic lens. (I’ve seen other people suggest picturing yourself as a child, and looking after them in a similar way to this.)

learning to love yourself is a difficult process, and before it comes several other stages: learning to tolerate yourself, learning to accept yourself, learning to respect yourself, etc. like learning anything, it all takes time, and again like any learning, beating yourself up over your mistakes (real or perceived) is detrimental. you’ll get there, but you have to keep making the conscious decision to give yourself that chance.

[dreams-your-smp]

Tw for venting, disordered eating, weight and backhanded jokes about it, suicidal thoughts and cursing

Not my dad saying "geese (irl name) your coats getting tight" with a tiny smirk. Then saying "it just means your coats getting tight!" When I ask. As if I wasn't a person who has actively struggled w/ disordeded eating b4. As if he hadn't learned his lesson when his shitty comments half way drove me to suicide at the age of fucking 8

Then, after I ask my mom if it's normal that I'm growing out of the coat (A 3 fucking year old coat!!! I would be more concerned if I did fucking fit in it!!) Her saying "ofc your getting bigger" and me saying "Yeah, I'm getting TALLER" and then my dad laughing a little and saying "yeah, your defidently getting bigger" and then saying "No that's just how you interpreted it" w/ a little grin after I point out how that feels like making fun of my weight. Than, for the cherry on top of the fucking ice cream my mom going "Of course your getting heavier, your getting older".

Like. FUCK you???? What the hell?????! First of all, no I'm fucking not. I'm at a fucking 16-17 BMI I'm not fucking gaining weight.

Second of all, what the fuck Dad???? This shit made me suicidal when I was 8, and even then you were making jokes about my goddamn weight.

I'm underweight you fucking assholes, and how the hell do you think commenting on your kids weight was a good idea when you knew they struggled with food and thought they were fucking STARVING themselves at one point???? Hell, why would you comment on your kids weight at all?

And I was doing so well with food today too!! I ate all my dinner than a little more bc I knew I was hungry and wanted to try to eat. But guess who's not eating all their dinner tommorow! Goddamit, I was almost going to start eating lunch again to. But nope! Back to just half my dinner for me.

[stabbylambchop]

I was trying to hold this in, bc I felt like as a very petite person myself, that I was too "privileged" to say anything about this without looking like I was somehow trying to dig at fat people, or undermine the fight against fatphobia or whatever. I struggle so so much with all this, but feel like that venting would seem selfish or ignorant. But I'm. Seriously at my fucking limit.

If you think that skinny people are never shamed, bullied, body-policed, bullied, then I'm here to say, yes, we are.

Besides the previously mentioned issue with eating disorders, there are so many other factors to consider; genetics, chronic illness and disability, temporary illness with long-term damage, domestic abuse in the form of withholding food, certain medication or treatments, pressure towards people in sports modeling acting etc etc etc (just look at people dehydrating themselves so they look cut), mental illness or neurodivergencies that hampers someone's ability to take care of themselves...the list goes on.

I was born premature and have been anemic since day one, because my body actually cannot absorb everything it needs to. I grew up with divorced parents, with a father that periodically made fun of me for "eating like a bird", a mother who was never around, and a step-dad who was just overall a horrible person.

I never grew past 12. No exaggeration. It's due to more genetic bullshit, possibly a form of "proportionate" dwarfism, so it's not obvious to strangers that I'm a grown little person with the typical features. Being a full-grown adult, who is 4'9" and 85lbs soaking wet, and honestly fairly flat-chested, means that literally. Every. Single. Person, that doesn't know me, looks at me, and they see a child. None of the "oh just gonna ID you as a formality, you just look a little younger", no it's always "wow, really...? No joke? For real..??", or "how old are you, why are you here and not in school right now, if you're not lying I can call on you for truancy", or "oh wow I thought a 12yr-old got a hold of the ID-check stamp pad for a second haha". And even once they know, it's like they never really accept it, and still treat me like a child.

I've been bullied, a lot. People playing keep-away with my things, new teachers thinking I'm in the wrong class and that first impression leading to a semester of communal judgement, always being compared to more "appropriately developed" girls my age. For my senior project presentation, the judges left notes like "immature".

Always being handed the kid's menu when everyone else at the table gets an alcohol menu. Having no less then 2-3 people check my ID, just to be safe, of course, when I correct the server and ask for a drink. Going to bars or casinos or adult shops and having someone put an arm in my way while the rest of the group went in no problem, because they think I was trying to sneak in with them. Trying to see an R rated movie. Trying to buy age appropriate clothes but the only stuff that fits is in the kids section. People making whispered comments about how my parents MUST be starving me, or how I might have an ED.

Besides my anemia and stature/growth problems, I grew up in a poor household. I've been homeless. I have several mental and physical illnesses and disabilities that make gaining or maintaining weight an uphill battle. Since getting sick, I've lost most of my muscle, which weighs more than fat. My body is currently not processing fat well, if at all, which means it's going right thru me. I was told that my bowel issues are because of my size (yes, really), because while my organs tried to grow up, my musculoskeletal system lagged behind, and everything is just kinda fucked (which might be achondroplasia, but I've been focusing on other medical shit first and just haven't really had that talk yet).

And to top it all off, OCD, PTSD, and Autism can (and have) affected my eating habits, especially with my cramped neck region and texture issues causing an overly sensitive gag reflex. My teeth are also victims of my other bullshit. My teeth are super cramped and we don't have the money to pull my wisdom teeth. Being poor and homeless meant dental health and general really took a hit. Sometimes, my teeth or jaw hurt, or my nerves flare up, or my illnesses cause sudden vertigo and nausea. Some days, it's just plain hard to eat.

I know this was a long, personal, strong rant, but this is how bad I, and a lot of other thin people, can really have it. We didn't choose any of this, and have no control over it.

I want everyone that reads this, no matter their weight or health, to read this and really, truly take it all in. As absolutely disgusting as fatphobia and fatshaming are, using it as an excuse to damn all skinny people? That can be just as disgusting. We aren't "thicc" or "big tiddy goth girlfriend", or a "milf". A lot of us have never felt adult or beautiful or attractive in their lives. I still feel shame around my wife, who is such a lovely person, for feeling like I can never be hot or sexy hot them, or because yet another person thought I was their child and not their partner.

In regards to the original post, and my addition, it mostly started awhile ago, when a mutual starting tagging things with shit like "skinny people die fr" or "skinny people are useless" (paraphrasing a bit, I didn't want to bother screenshotting then). Seeing that shit hurt me to my core and made me feel ashamed for just. Existing. For the first time in ages, I started gaining weight, quickly. Because I was subconsciously so hurt that I started eating past feeling full, straight to stomach pain and nausea. I've since last everything I gained, mostly because I've recently had such bad digestive issues. I'm so dehydrated.

I soft-blocked because I was scared of conflict or them somehow finding out. However, after some time, I finally had enough of seeing them in my notifications and blocked them for good. I couldn't see their url without feeling that same hot shame washing over me.

Did it help me feel better? Not really. But it's still one more little roadblock from having to get reminded over and over again.

You may think it's progressive or woke or whatever to say shit like that, because we're all just vain, privileged, attractive people, right?

I am begging you all, please, don't say shit like this anymore. You can't possibly know when a certain content will really hurt someone in a very, very bad way.

And no. There is no "okay but what about regular ski-" no. Fucking no. Just stop. Besides making assumptions, it's just not healthy to be like that. Telling anyone to die is pretty fucked as it is. And yet it gets a pass most of the time because it comes off as woke or casual, but that just perpetuates it all.

I'm so tired. So fucking tired. And depressed. And just.. overall done with it all. If this makes me an asshole or toxic to you, then okay, whatever, unfollow me and block me if you need to, even if we're mutuals. I just can't take one more fucking thing happening, one more thing hurting me. There is nothing that could be said or done to me that would matter.

Please. Please just. Try. Just a little.

Listen, I gotta be honest because I keep seeing this on my feed back and forth on my main and here when I browse blogs:

When people say shit like 'skinny people are cringe' or 'skinny people are not welcome' or anything along those lines, in the hopes to boost fat/large body positivity, you are the problem.

You are literally what is going to cause so much more body dysphoria then you realize. A lot of times, as we already know, people can't control their body shape and size! Sitting there and blasting folks who are slender, lithe, skinny, etc is not the answer. You don't know who is now recovering from an ED or who is literally so sick beyond just a normal everyday illness that they have no control over their weight or body image.

This is coming from someone who IS fat and chunky and already has body dysphoria because of it. Someone who HAS resorted to eating disorders to try and solve things and is recovering. Someone who has a wife who constantly is so sick that she can't retain anything from food to properly nourish her body and be able to gain weight like everyone else.

So please stop putting shit like that in your tags and stop putting shit like that into posts. You don't know who you're hurting when you say that kind of body shaming talk. I'm all about body positivity, but can't everyone's body be positive for a change? This isn't a competition, this is trying to survive in this fucked up world for once.

[noosesurroundsme]

I'm so sick of everything. I don't know if I'm going to get sleep tonight because the cops just left because my brother is a fucking idiot and he's lucky he wasn't arrested. (I seriously would like to know how he's turning out so much different. I can admit I got in trouble and I didn't do well in school. I did drugs... But I didn't steal or cheat.)

And this virus shit with everyone acting crazy. I seem like I'm fine but I'm kind of scared. I've been eating more lately and feel like a gluttonous whale. I hope it does something for my immune system so I don't get sick. But I want to starve so badly. Now that I'm working again I've been thinking about the debts I have and really want to pay off my dues for Planet Fitness and go back to working out daily. Idk how I'd fit it into my schedule since there isn't one near me or work and I don't get out until 9:30. The bus wouldn't get me there with enough time to work out before the bus system shuts down for the night. And mornings don't really work bc I don't sleep well since I can't take my Ambien at all anymore. I'm too afraid I'll over sleep or it won't wear off so I can get ready quickly and functionally. But I'm back in triple digits and I want to die. I hate my body so fucking much and I want to tear my skin off because I'm pig. I need to take lax again too. I need to wean myself back off the sweets and go back to my safe foods and figure out what needs to change at 95 for me to continue losing after that because before I was stuck. I wasn't eating over my max, but I wasn't losing. Maybe now with this job and the higher activity level I'll be able to. And I know I don't want to lose this job but my ED is the only thing I'm good at. Even being told I'm the smallest at work I don't feel like it, I feel like a whale. I learned how to cut rotors the other day and I struggled to carry them because they were for a big pickup so they were huge and heavy. I have no muscle strength and I'm just a fatty gluttonous piece of shit. I need to get back in double digits and under 95. I'm not me without the disorder.

I'm sorry for rambling or being triggering but my head is a mess, I'm tired and overwhelmed. This isn't even close to all of what I need to get off my chest. Maybe I need to pay the $120 I owe my therapist so I can see about going to her again. She's the only person I trust. She will listen and I listen to her. She gets through to me. She got me to cry which isn't easy to do. But she won't ship me off to the hospital the second I lose a little weight or cut one time like others have or have tried to do.

I'm sorry I'm rambling again I'm sorry imsorryimsoryimsorry