#like i was here thinking I'd be hopelessly pining until i moved on

[nobodybetterlookatme]

ARE YOU AND COWORKER DATING?! 👀 👀

Ahdkakskal perchance yes

[coraniaid]

A couple of months ago, at the start of my S2 rewatch, I talked a little bit about how Willow was slowly becoming an increasingly more key member of the Scooby Gang, at the expense of Giles and Xander. Now that I've reached The Zeppo, it feels like a good time to return to that discussion.

Let's try to quantify things a little bit.

Obviously, speaking time data alone doesn't tell you everything about how important a character is, and Julian Freedland's audio time stamp data doesn't always perfectly reflect which character is really speaking (in particular, it has some trouble with body swap episodes like Witch and Who Are You? and -- most relevantly for us -- The Killer In Me). But those caveats aisde, I think looking at some hard numbers can still be illuminating here.

The chart below shows both Willow and Xander's average speaking time over the course of the show (based on a rolling average of the last dozen episodes, but always ignoring the largest and smallest values in that 12 episode run).

[I picked a 12 week rolling average partly just because it was decent length of time to smooth out random noise and partly because it means starting the time series at the end of Season 1; I removed outliers the way I did to avoid overstating the importance of episodes like The Zeppo and Doppelgangland. If you're interesed in what the chart would look like without either of these smoothing efforts, click on the readmore below.]

Thus presented, I think the trend seems pretty clear. Up to the end of Season 2, Xander clearly has more average speaking time than Willow. Then, early in Season 3, that reverses: Willow starts to get a bit more speaking time and Xander gets quite a lot less. In fact Xander won't have as much average speaking time again until Season 7, whereas in both Season 4 and Season 6 Willow will have average speaking times much higher than Xander ever managed during Season 2.

And the data fits with how I'd summarize the state of things on a more subjective/qualitative level too. In Season 1 and up to perhaps the mid-point of Season 2, Xander really was treated as a more important character than Willow by the writers. He was presented as a possible love interest for the main character (however unserious that seems in hindsight), he was arguably the focus of several episodes (Teacher's Pet, The Pack, Inca Mummy Girl) where Willow was only the focus of one (I Robot You Jane). In fact, in the first sseason, Willow's main character trait -- otherthan being good with computers -- was that she was hopelessly pining over Xander. But as Season 2 progressed Willow became more assertive, moved beyond her crush on Xander and got a boyfriend and then, around the end of the season, she started to get more and more involved in magic, something that will come to define her character both this season and for the rest of the show. Willow grew and progressed as a character: the writers found more and more things for her to do. On the other hand, Xander .. didn't really get that sort of character growth. In a lot of ways, the Xander of mid-Season 3 really hasn't changed much from the Xander of The Harvest.

So in some ways The Zeppo is Xander's swan song. Even as it begins to suggest a new, more sympathetic version of the character -- one not defined so heavily by his unrequited feelings for Buffy or his (honestly not very compelling or plausible) relationship with Cordelia -- the show as a whole is quickly losing interest in him. Willow will continue to grow in status and narrative importance -- she'll come out as a lesbian next season, continue to grow in power as a witch and arguably even temporarily assume co-protagonist status in the show's sixth season. But Xander, as now reimagined, won't get to do that. He'll always be the Zeppo of the group.

On the other hand, perhaps I've got it backwards.

Perhaps the reason I remember the Xander Harris of the final two thirds of the show more fondly than I do the Xander Harris of the first third is simpler than I'd liked to admit. Maybe he's just easier to like because he isn't allowed to speak as much.

For completeness, this is what the chart above would look like if we didn't remove outliers:

And this is what it would look like if we looked at speaking time in individual episodes rather than taking a rolling average (note, in particular, the big spikes for The Zeppo, Doppelgangland and The Replacement):

Note also a common trend visible in all three versions of the chart: neither Willow nor Xander really get to say much at all in the second half of Season 7.

[alicemitch09writes]

hi omg so lately i've been thinking about ulma again (it's jus that good that i still think about it even tho it ended long ago already ok 😭)

i've been thinking a lot about how neat it'd be if y/n ended up with one of the third years (specifically ojiro) post-ulma because of the bond she shared with them. i just really appreciate that they kept her going and still stayed in touch with her after they graduated? i just loved their dynamic, and it made me all soft thinking about the what-ifs had they ever crossed paths with each other in their careers.

so i visited your blog with the intention of re-binging ulma only to find outsider looking in and now i feel stupid because i don't know why i never considered that she'd end up with suna 😭 the story was everything i'd been craving

my heart felt for suna so much as i read oli! i really enjoyed the prospect of the two and how their lives continue to be entangled. suna being the bystander to her and atsumu's story, only wishing he could do more, be better for her, and to take atsumu's place. suna and y/n finding each other again after graduation, and even the high of realizing that he has a shot with her.

his insecurities catching up to him, and y/n standing her ground by saying no; my heart doesn't lie with atsumu, and it hasn't for a long time. you don't get to decided that for me, i love you 😭 where atsumu was her twin flame, suna is her soulmate. fawk 😭 i'm in my feelings now!

suna didn't want to be a selfish person when it came to y/n, and now she's practically asking him to allow himself the right to be selfish this once when it comes to his chance at love.

i have so many thoughts about oli. suna viewing him and y/n as something that could never happen, until it does. after all those years of silently pining. kaoru's protectiveness (bless his soul). how natural it is for reiki to just be there as part of the l/n family. and then there's atsumu 😭

i think it's true that atsumu was never in love with y/n as she said, at least maybe not in the way she was with him. it isn't until over the years after she decides to let go that i think atsumu truly falls in love with her romantically. it breaks my heart to know that y/n remains to be the one that got a way for him 😭 the atsumu at the end of ulma who, in a flurry of desperation and guilt, claimed that he wanted to try to not only love her as he already did, but to love her the same way she did him; and he did so on his own— all the while y/n was becoming smitten with suna 😭

suna went from hopelessly watching y/n from the sidelines, to becoming part of her life and treating her the way she deserved. never in his wildest dreams. when you think about it, the roles are reversed with suna and atsumu now.

also, yandere suna vibes /hj

you know what's funny? originally, i just wanted to write atsumu's story (when it was a one-shot idea at the time) but a thought/idea just nagged at me so hard. the idea was of suna having a crush on reader. i really didn't want to entertain it, but i ended up doing so -_-

also, i was inspired by a story called '16 chapels' that delved on a vulnerable suna that seemed like an interesting angle to take. considering that in almost all the fics i've read of him, he's either detached, uncaring, some fuckboy or druggie. i was also reminded of a few college friends who were pining on someone but never made a move out of fear of losing their friendship. in a way, i was a bit inspired by my younger sister, too. because they have a best friend with a guy that lasted for 7 years and they were really scared on making a move because they didn't want to lose their friendship with him, but eventually, they gave it a try and 3 years later, here they are: happy and in love.

as for the third years? i can't really see that happening, because all three of them just saw reader as a little sister, nothing more.

and as of writing 'outsider looking in', i felt really proud of myself with the progression of the fic. also, i was really excited to blindside y'all with who reader actually ended up with.

the way i look at it, atsumu had the idea of love in his head for mika, but that was just it: an idea. but with reader? it was something else, only he found out too late when she was ready to move on to the next phase of her life.

btw!

there's a smut version (again: I BLAME YOU WHORE READERS!) that tackles reader and suna's first time titled 'too much of a good thing' and a few fun stuff under the #outsiderlookingdrabble

thank you so much for the read sweetpea! stay safe now and please get yourself vaccinated!

honestly, i also entertained the idea of yandere atsumu /loljk

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Fifteen

Submitted by jwrites_

Five Favourite Fics:

1. What's It Gonna Be by @lemonoclefox

Why I love this fic: I'm a sucker for Pride & Prejudice. San was able to take that dynamic and put it all in a modern day telling of it. I can't count how many times I've read this. Sometimes I read it all the way through, other times I go and find my favorite parts just to get that rush of emotions it never fails to give. The enemies to lovers is done perfectly, the dialogue is great and flows seamlessly, the way she tied in the storyline between Simon, Isabelle, Valentine, and Alec together was genius. I truly love every word of this story.

Favorite scene: Awkward - love - confession - in -  the -  rain

Favorite quote(s):

(Yes. Love confessions are great but have you ever overheard someone say something rude about you and then have the opportunity later that same night to be able to casually call that person out for their comment?)

"Her friend is..." He trails off, as though searching for the word, and Magnus can imagine him gesturing in the meantime. "Interesting," Jace eventually settles on, pointedly.

"Who, that Bane guy?" Alec says, and as he does, Magnus is hit with a wave of intrigued surprise. Does Alec like men? Interesting. The assumption could be wrong, of course, but Jace's tone implies that that's why he's mentioning it. "He's a bit over the top, don't you think?"

He sounds almost disdainful as he says it, as though Jace's mere suggestion is laughable, and Magnus's intrigue immediately shifts to offended annoyance. He straightens a little where he stands, reluctantly affected by it.

--

"I mean, love songs are great," Magnus admits lightly. "But stringing a few pretty words together does seem a bit unoriginal when everyone does it."

Simon shoves him lightly in offense, and Magnus can't help but laugh.

"Then what do you suggest?" Magnus is taken completely by surprise when he realizes that it's Alec who's speaking, and he turns to him. The guy's expression is neutral, but seems genuinely curious.

"Oh, I don't know," Magnus says, swirling his drink around in his glass. He shrugs. "I suppose I'm more a fan of showing and not telling. I'd much prefer someone showing interest in what I like and who I am, than comparing my eyes to the night sky, and whatnot." He gestures airily, then hesitates. He suddenly can't seem to stop himself, the memory of the Lightwoods' overheard conversation bubbling to the surface. "I think most people can appreciate that. Even if some of us are a bit over the top."

--Okay...I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a love confession~

"Look, I don't expect anything from you," he says, as though the words are hard to say. "You've made your feelings pretty clear, and I respect that. But I heard you talked to my mom, and with the stuff you said to her... I guess it just kind of made me a bit hopeful, or something. A bit." He clears his throat, while Magnus just listens. He turns to watch Alec's profile as the young man struggles to find the words, eyes on the view in front of him. "Either way, I'll admit that how I feel hasn't really changed. Maybe it should have, but..."

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus feels his throat go dry. He wants to interrupt Alec, wants to say and show everything that's bursting out of his chest, but he waits. Alec takes a deep breath then, turns to him. He looks determined.

"If you want me to," he says steadily, "I'll go. I'll leave you alone, I promise. You won't hear from me again." He pauses, licks his lips. "But if you don't want me to, if something has changed since last time, somehow... I'd really like to know. Because that would be pretty great."

2. 42 North 71 West by @lecrit​

Why I love this fic: I was blessed with the opportunity to witness Lu working on this fic from its conception to its end. I was there and still I am blown away at the way she was able to work the time jumps. I remember thinking with every chapter I read, 'Wow. The way she is telling this story is amazing. She is amazing.' Lu has a way of presenting so much honesty in her characters. She writes them in a way that feels so real, that you can't help but understand their fears and hesitations even though it hurts. The story is a back and forth told through scenes set in the past and present. You get to see what they were and where they are. The story is beautifully heartbreaking. And she was able to make me enjoy a story that dealt with politics? What? Sorcery, I tell you. -- also, the bench.

Favorite scene: This was almost impossible to choose and I took way too long trying to pinpoint just one. But I'm going to go with one that I hold very dear. When Magnus goes to visit Alec on his birthday and he finds Alec playing the song he only plays when he's sad. That's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil~

Favorite quote(s):

“Magnus,” Alec breathes out.

The name feels almost foreign, as if he hadn’t uttered it in too long and now his mind is troubling to catch up with his mouth. Still, it manages to make Alec’s heart stutter.

--

“We should’ve stayed on that bench in Boston,” he murmurs.

--

The good thing is, he knows where to go to find his way back. It is inked on his body, engraved into his soul, sealed into his heart.

3. Lead The Way by Clockworkswan

Why I love this fic: Because it takes the wonderful adventure of Doctor Who and packs it in with Malec. This is the ultimate fun and feel good but you will also cry at one point fic. I always go back to it if I want a wonderfully written Doctor Magnus and his adorable companion Alec. Seriously, even if you're not into Doctor Who, give this fic a shot. It's written in a way that you will get so caught up in the adventure that you won't even realize it's based on something else. And if you're a Doctor Who fan, you're in luck with all the little Easter Eggs Heather left throughout.

Favorite scene: I really don't want to spoil anything. The planet of Ablorix. This will mean nothing if you don't read the fic (so you should ;])

Favorite quote(s):

Magnus extends a hand. It’s just like before, when they were in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. It’s just as inviting as it was the first time.

“How about it, pretty boy? Name a star. Any one will do. Or a date,” Magnus says. The double meaning is evident when he winks. He pauses then, and his expression shifts, growing solemn.

A clear shift in his demeanour happens. Magnus turns from playful to sincere in the blink of an eye. Although, there was also a serious tone to it. Magnus looks at him, and understanding eyes meet Alec’s hesitant ones. “Alexander, you seem like a man in need of a break, and I am very much a man in need of a friend. Adventures are always a quick way in figuring out what you want. What do you say?”

What does he say?

He says yes.

Of course Alec does.

--

Before Magnus can think of a good retort, he tries to ignore the clenching ache his stomach gives at the sight of a confident, smirking Alec Lightwood watching him so openly. He settles for pointing in a random direction. “I have to go and see a dog about a man. Meet back here in five?”

“Uh, isn’t the expression, ‘see a man about a dog’?”

“Not when the dog ran off with the man’s wife. A rather big scandal, it seems. The president wants me to try and step in. Smooth things over, so to speak.”

At that, Alec just stares blankly.

Magnus holds up a finger. “Yes, this is normal for me. No, you may not come along. Go.”

4. Love & Other Drugs prequel of Our Love Is A Harsh Chord in the Semi-charmed Kind Life series by @la-muerta​

Why I love this fic: I'm kind of cheating here by listing two fics but they're a package deal. Love & Other Drugs was a smutty one-shot that left me wanting

more...

backstory. Let me tell you the pining and 'unrequited' love between those two demanded a story to be written. Which is why when la_muerta ran a poll on whether or not she should start it or another series first, I campaigned for this one like it was my job (I lost but I still got the series eventually so did I really lose?) The writing in this and with all of la_muerta's fics will hook you. The sadness over the back and forth between them is done so well. It's angst that will grip you and hold onto you until you eventually finish. Just go on the twitter hashtag of #OLIAHCfic and see my screaming.

Favorite scene: Probably the LSD scene.

Favorite quote(s):

Alec was still here, in bed with him.

How many times had Magnus wished that he could wake up with Alec in his arms? He didn't dare to move, wanting the dream to last a little longer, but Alec was already stirring.

--

he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.

--

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later).

--

Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way.

5. The Lonely Hearts Hotline by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: It's funny, it's endearing, it's heart wrenching, it's sexy, etc. The way Alec is written in this fic is one of my favorite characterizations. The way his situation can resonate with so many young adults today. That feeling when you're an adult and you feel like you should know what to do with your life and who you should be but the truth is, you're still just as lost as always. Being an adult sucks tbh and even when you're an adult, sometimes life doesn't quite feel like it. Alec's character and growth in this fic is beautiful. (I also really loved Jace in this fic)

Favorite scene: A tough choice. Probably the office party and follow up scene in Magnus' office.

Favorite quote(s):

The problem with being a new grad, in general, is that the world and job force demands you have experience, but you have to live a certain number of productive years on the planet to gain that experience.

Early adulthood is no man's land. You don’t have the experience to matter and no one wants to pay you to gain it, hence how he ended up in the precarious situation he’s in: dodgy sex work by night, an even dodgier roommate, and desperately hoping an internship eventually turns into an actual paying job.

--

Magnus runs his tongue down the knobs of Alec's spine. "You're so beautiful," he says, pausing.

"I'm really not," Alec insists, eyes fluttering closed.

"Why are you so kind to everyone except yourself?"

"I'm a work in progress."

"Aren't we all?"

[whitenoisefornow]

Character indroduction to Lil Riggys life:

Tyler a.k.a my kryptonite

Ive known Tyler for about two years now. He is the first person to sell me and shoot me up with H when I got to MO after my geographic from Cali. I was miserable in my job and relationship and subsequently used Tyler as an escape and distraction, mainly from the this abuse from Cristopher I was enduring.

All of you know who Cris is too (the abusive sick man I was with for five years). I desperatly needed to leave him but couldn't because of my love and dedication. I knee nothing else. After an episode of violence I managed to leave him for about a month. I was only able to do this because it was Tyler I left with.

The first time I saw Tyler it was like getting blasted with a sawed off shotgun point blank. Insantly I was head-over-heels obsessed, in love and infatuated with him. I was helplessly and hopelessly 'twitterpated.'

None of this was a good thing but instead a fatal blow to my life and my self-esteem. Tyler thoughtlessly ripped heart out, ate it and moved on. He used me up and left me empty and begging for him. As he tore into my flesh and shredded me into nothingness he laughed. He was a true narcissist and honestly did not and could not see his flaws or the wrongs he was inflicting on others. When he actually sat and thought about his failing life he bullied, teased and projected onto me and I truly think this made him feel better about himself to belittle me. Tyler fucked me up more than Cris ever thought about doing.

I was desperate to please him and desperate to make him like me. I loved him to the point of pining and pain and he simply didn't love me. He fucked me with no emotion. He took sadistic pleasure in me jumping through hurdles and bending over backwards for him. I spent over 1000 on him when i coudlnt pay my own bills. I stole for him from stores and homes to feed his addiction and my own. I begged for gas money and food for him every day. Often he went fed while my stomach churned. Most nights he got to get out of the truck and sleep inside while I remained, getting eaten alive in the vehicle while anxiously awaiting him returning in the morning.

We do drugs the same. We both are what most would call 'hopeless junkies' and even other seasoned drug addicts would cringe at us. Heroin controlled our lives and brains and once we lost everything we embraced this and flew the 'junkie pride' flag. We consigned each others bullshit. We lied and made excuses for each other. We were homeless and battered from our way of life and looked like the walking dead. We used dirty needles. We shot up in parking lots and stole and lied and did anything to get a fix.

Together we were a deadly concoction. This is meant literally.

It is shitty because I still fucking love him. It breaks my heart and I wish I never met him because I can't get over him.

Currently he's clean now and in a sober living home. After I got back with Cris up until I learned he was incarcerated this last time I would try to avoid thinking of him because I was so worried he would OD and die and that I'd never get to see his beautiful face again and that we would never get to talk about everything we went thru together; this is a conversation I desperately need for my own sake to heal. I am releived he's getting his life back but I'm still out here and I miss hin.

The point of this post was to put a face to the name, show y'all what Tyler looks like and as usual I got carried away. These are two of Tyler's many mugshots. These particular two are taken over six months apart (coincidence on the flannel lol) and the toll he endured from the drugs and the rough lifestyle that comes with it really show.

I had to hold back from posting more photos. Tyler is hands down the most attractive and gorgeous human I have ever seen in my life. Even at his worst he looks like a god to me and so many times just glancing or staring at him caused a strong physical sensation and he made me weak.

[zigstacy-blog]

Because I'm Me , I'd Do Anything for You

Okay so first things first this is my first legitimate post on my choices blog. It’s also my first time sharing my work on a public domain, but I’ve had this rolling around in my head all day. I also have wanted to participate in the Choice Carnival so here I am. 

@hollyashton and @pb-boeboe this is my entry for the sixth choices carnival I hope this a nice way for me to introduce myself to the fandom :-)

Summary- AUish where Zig takes up photography and can’t get over MC. He pines, and she gets married tada.

Pairing- ZigxMC (not really lololol) & JamesxMC

Rating - T (I guess I think I said a bad word or two oops)

“We’re not exclusive.”

Zig swears he can still feel her breath on his neck as she whispered those words to him, silencing her phone, another text from James going unread. It’s all he could think about when she took James back, when he waltzed in from LA with his apologies for his neglect and delusion about the media industry. It was all he could think about when she called with the news that she’d moved in with James uptown over the summer. It was all he could think about when James proposed to her in the park surrounded by friends only a few weeks later, all stumbled words and professions of his love for her. Zig would lie if anyone asked him about that day, and say he had terrible seasonal allergies if anyone pointed out the way his eyes watered and nose reddened a bit as he watched it all unfold.

And Zig. He can still feel the tenderness in her words as she expressed her concerns for her relationships that spring, how genuine she was, how much she cared. Everytime he thinks about it his stomach pinches, tight and unhappy. He wants. He wants to feel that heavy press of affection again; he wants to feel the weight of the love she has for everything around her. He wants the soft, secret smiles that her and James share when they think no one is looking, and sweetheart to be called to him across the quad.

But she. She has James. James who gets to see those parts- gets all of her now. Parts of her Zig felt he,personally, had for moments that passed far too soon.

In the months leading up to their wedding, Zig stopped holding on to the thought that what happened between them wasn’t a mistake because she never acknowledged it after she and James made up. He wouldn’t lie and say he didn’t feel slightly used. Maybe that’s why he’s been acting the way he has in the months leading up to the wedding. Faces with no names attached, coming and going. He tried to avoid her, but it was impossible with the way that the cafe had been apart of their group long before he arrived. She always showed up when she wanted to in his apartment, and prattled on for hours and he listened because this is what they’re relationship had resorted back to. He’d take anything she was willing to give.

He decided he needed a distraction that didn’t involve cold brews at the dive he took her to so many months ago, so he decided to take up photography. His sister had stopped by one afternoon, and begged him to go thrifting. He saw a camera and the idea seemed easy enough. And it was because he was Zig. Intuitive and quick when he wanted to be. This of course didn’t work out in his favor because when did things ever. She called him up three weeks before the wedding asking for a favor like friends tend to do.

Take pictures at the wedding. Her wedding. Because what was better than spending the evening watching the person’s he’s in love with get married. What could be better than memorializing love at it’s peak? It seemed easy enough, and he was her friend. He was Zig. And that meant he’d bend over backwards until his back broke if it meant she was happy.

Of course he’d never admit, but it was true.

~

He’s about to go for a smoke on the balcony when he hears the soft knocks on his door. It’s Chris he’s sure because he texted him twenty minutes ago saying he had big news, he’s sure of this, so he doesn’t bother putting a shirt on, leaves the cigarette hanging loose between his lips and pulls open the door.

It’s not Chris though, it’s her.

The girl Zig has been pining for hopelessly, who doesn’t look very happy with him at the moment, the girl, who snatches the cigarette from Zig’s mouth, the girl who just got married.

“You know I’d expect someone who’s been dodging my calls to be either undisturbingly busy or like dead, but imagine my surprise when I see Chris getting dressed to come over here,” she folds her arms and arches her eyebrows expectantly.

Zig would, in very Zig-like fashion, point out that undisturbingly was not a word, but she didn’t look amused, so he opted against it.

“Hello to you too,” he sighs as he turns to let her in, pulling another cigarette from behind his ear.

“You know I can’t stand those Ziggy. You know I’m not going to be the friend who watches you smoke yourself to death,” she says it like a complaint but the underlying concern in her voice grates against him. Zig hates himself a little for not having more willpower when it comes to her. He puts the cigarette away. “You know you were supposed to send me those pictures forever ago. We all want to see them, and you know how the Ashton’s are. They were already up in arms that we didn’t pick a date that accommodated them, and now they call everyday asking about the pictures.”

Zig winces, and keeps his face out of her line of vision by attempting to busy himself with tidying up.

“I’ve just had some trouble. I think the film is fucked up. It’s just taking longer than I-”

“Zig. That’s bullshit and we both know it. This stuff has become like second nature to you. There’s no way. At least let me see what you have.”

And of course she knows the way to Zig’s little makeshift darkroom. When the other’s come round to watch a movie or just to catch up she’ll always come knocking with whatever concoction they’ve mixed up with the contents of his liquor cabinet. She always notices when he isn’t there. Now she’s pushing past Zig, and through the hall.

“Ugh please. They’re not finished. Don’t-” but she waves his words away like she does when he starts getting down on himself. When he feels like the second chance initiative isn’t going to work out, and that maybe he won’t get to redeem himself… like he won’t get the chance to prove he’s good enough for her.

“I know they’re in here and I just don’t get how -“ she pushes the door open carefully and Zig groans, brings a hand to his forehead, closes his eyes and waits with dread for her reaction. "Zig these are -” she stops though, and Zig can hear her intake of breathe. What the hell was he thinking? Even though his eyes are closed he already knows how her face changes, can imagine her eyes scan the pictures hanging up all over the room. Zig could probably  draw most of them in the dark if someone asked, he’s stared at them long enough, the nervous smile as she walked arm and arm with her father down the aisle, the crinkles in her eyes as she says her teary vows, her blush when James fumbles with her ring, the flush in her cheeks after their kiss… “Zig, I don’t understand, what is this? Where are all the others?"Zig groans, and finally opens his eyes. "I’m so sorry. I - there aren’t any others. It’s only,” his voice cracks and he takes a deep breath, swallows past the lump in his throat. “It’s only you.” She is silent, just stares at the photo closest to her. It’s one of her eyeing a glass of champagne, her hand catching a small piece of hair to tuck behind her ear, a soft smile on her lips.

“Oh Zig -” she says finally. Zig just looks, and tries to keep his face from contorting in synchrony with the pain he’s feeling now, the pain he’s been feeling since James got down on one knee in the park.

“You never said anything.” And it’s with amazement now; she’s staring at Zig like he’s a new person and Zig hates that, hates that she’s been so oblivious. "I still - I mean didn’t want to - after James came back you- you’re my best friend,” he settles finally and he hates how pathetic he sounds. “I’m sorry Ziggy, I wish I -” she stops herself and takes a breath. “I did think about it. Wondered if I’d be happier with you for a long time. It fucked me up, but I love-” “Don’t.”

She turns towards him, her eyes glittering with eminent tears.

Zig can feel heat pooling in his chest, his heart. She’s always had a with her words, warm in her gestures, but not like this. Not so naked and so honest. Not so upfront and so forward. She walks over to Zig, eye contact unwavering. “It used to scare me, the things I felt for you.” She rests his hand on the back of his neck like its knotted and she smoothes out the muscle there, very slowly, as to ease away every bit of pain from Zig’s body. It’s a futile effort.  “It’s not so bad. I get to have you at the end of the day, don’t I? I’ll always have a place for you Zig.”

Zig kisses her then, partly because he can’t listen to anymore of this but mostly to feel her lips on his one last time. And it’s torture because it’s better than he remembered, and over far too soon.

She backs away gently, apologies in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I’ll tell James that the film fucked up or something. I can’t- I should go.” And there’s nothing that Zig can say to make her stay, make her change her mind. Thinks himself stupid for actually believing she would ever reconsider her decision. She’s married. Zig presses the heels of his hands into his eyelids until he sees swirls of colors against the black. “Hey,” she says softly, “They’re breathtaking, Zig.” She places a comforting  hand against Zig’s cheek for only a moment and then she’s gone.