#like i enjoy the bayverse movies because they're bad

[transingthoseformers]

What are your main go-to beefs that you have with RiD15? Story? Characters? Designs? Ecetera…

Personally me, my main beef with rid15 is to do with the story, it tries to be a sequel to tfp and i honestly feel like it would've been better if it was a stand alone show with its own continuity

Not to mention the vibes the autobots have that come off as somewhat sinister to me, especially so in s4, and how it's an unintentionally pretty bleak outlook on post war Decepticon life.

The slight lore differences frustrated me at first but i mellowed out thanks to finding out it's now considered part of the aligned continuity family, rather then them all being part of the same exact continuity

[icyrambles]

one of the things i find consistently weird about transformers as a piece of media is how the decepticons keep being the bad guys without any really attempt at reworking them as a faction

pretty much every continuity that exists has the decepticons filling the role as the primary antagonists. here's a list of the tf media i've consumed over the past year; g1, animated, prime, cyberverse, earthspark, rotb, first 2 bayverse movies, idw1 + idw2, the first 5 issues of tf skybound, shattered glass, the first 10 episodes of rid15, and a few episodes of armada and beast wars. and literally all of those have the decepticons fulfilling the role of antagonists.

now i'm specifically not taking issue with the fact that the decepticons are the bad guys. that's not my problem here. my problem is that the franchise as a whole seems to have a problem with actually developing the decepticon characters and the faction as characters/concepts worth being antagonists

this isn't a dash on the existing pieces of transformers media just to be clear, i enjoy cartoonishly evil shenanigans as much as the next person (my favourite character is fucking tarn for goodness sake). instead please read through the rest of this post as a single person's critique of a tonal inconsistency throughout the franchise of transformers

with the more recent pieces of transformers media attempting to paint the decepticons in a more sympathetic light (see cyberverse and earthspark) i noticed a core writing flaw with how the teams behind these works tackled making the decepticons more morally grey characters.

and that's the fact that they decepticons are still just as evil as they are in the original g1 cartoon, just with a little more grey paint thrown over their war crimes. it's one of the main writing flaws i have with both idw1/2 and earthspark.

because those writing teams really want you to view the decepticons as less evil. they really want you to watch/read through their content and see the decepticons as a group of individuals who, while not right in their actions, still deserve to be treated as more than a villain of the week.

and i agree with this sentiment. i think the decepticons should be more than villains of the week who need to be defeated at all costs. i think the decepticons should get the opportunity to be fully developed characters with hopes, dreams, aspirations, flaws, and emotions just like their autobot counterparts.

but there's a problem with how these writing teams interact with the decepticons. and it's the fact that they're still the bad guys. even if you give megatron a redemption arc in earthspark, there's still the looming implication that he, along with an army, invaded a random planet and potentially killed millions. (it's a kid show i'm not expecting them to go into detail with all of megan's war crimes, but earthspark does imply that megatron did fuck up a lot of earth's shit)

idw does a slightly better job with this, showing that the autobots have their fair share of war crimes, but the decepticons are still the primary antagonists throughout the comic's run.

even shows that paint the decepticons as purely the bad guys have tonal issues with how they're written

taken animated for example. the autobots get to be fully developed characters with personality traits outside of just being the good guys. bumblebee is impulsive, he likes video games and racing and being a little shit, he's not a beacon of virtue. prowl is antisocial, he doesn't like communicating with his team, but he fucking love nature, he loves meditating. he has a whole backstory about wanting to avoid being drafted into a war for fucks sake.

but the animated decepticons don't get that. there's nothing about blitzwing or lugnut or starscream that makes them uniquely suited to being in the decepticon cast. none of them get to have defining character traits outside of being decepticons who need to be beaten.

the same can be said for prime.

while i don't particularly think that any of the tfp characters are written well, at least the autobots have reasons for their personalities. arcee is a jaded bitch because she watched both of her partners die right in front of her. optimus is distant because he lost his best friend to differing ideologies. ratchet is grouchy all the time because he's constantly running low on fuel and is probably worried about his only family dying horribly in a war while he sits on the sidelines.

but the decepticons. they're just evil. megatron gets so addicted to power that he hypes himself up on the space equivalent of hard drugs for most of the series. soundwave.... he's there i guess? shockwave decided to violate the laws of nature for shits and giggles because the series never decided to expand upon his character except for evil scientist. starscream gets to be a sniveling coward who gets beat up whenever he appears and we never learn why he acts this way.

time and time again, transformers has an issue with writing decepticons as anything more than the bad guys.

and the reason why i take issue with this, isn't just because it's "bad writing" it's because the decepticons have a habit of having backstories that involve being discriminated against and it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth when the group of people who are more than often classified as second class citizens on their own planet get lumped into the role of "bad guys who want to steal and murder and pillage" when they want to change the system that is actively discriminating against them

and this all sounds like a lot of complaining. and it is. but i do have a method of trying to remedy this mess. two ways actually

#1: the hard way. (aka, this is the harder of the writing solutions because it requires viewing the decepticons as more than villains)

instead of having the decepticons being a group of revolutionaries who loose their way and become evil and genocidal seemingly for no reason other than "oh well revolutions don't really work and anyone who starts one just wants to cause problems against the system" why don't writers actually try and view the decepticon faction for what it is in most cases a group of people who were heavily discriminated against and who want to change their planet to actually treat them more than objects.

cybertron is shown to be a shitty planet to live on in more continuity, i can find it perfectly believable that people would want to change the system through radial reform.

show me why the decepticons became the way that they are. don't just tell me that megatron was always a bad person who wanted to become a dictator. that's stupid and highly uncreative after it's been done 15 times in a row in every single continuity

i would highly prefer a series that takes place from the decepticon perspective. i wanna know more about them. why is starscream constantly trying to overthrow megatron? is it because he thinks megatron is a bad leader? does he have a plan for how he would change things if he did become leader? if he's just doing it because he's egotistical, does he have a backstory that made him the way that he is?

give me decepticons with hobbies and personalities outside of wanting to kill everything.

#2: the easy way (this is easier because it doesn't require radical re-imagining of the decepticons as a whole)

just make the decepticons the ruling class. genuinely, just make the decepticons the people in charge from the beginning. you wouldn't have to imagine that many changes. megatron can still be a warlord intent on conquering the galaxy (it's just re-framed through the lens of him always being this way instead of having to learn violence is a solution), starscream constantly vying for the throne is now much easier to understand because the faction isn't rising up from the lower class, they were always in power and starscream wants more of it.

it even works out for the autobots because them being the lower class rising up against a tyrannical force re-contextualizes their desperate want to defend planets being attack by the decepticons. they're not just doing it because it's the right thing, they're doing it because they know what it's like. and that makes their motivations seem more sympathetic than a fucking god complex of saving the "tiny pathetic humans who can't defend themselves"

the decepticons being purely the bad guys is actually the reason why i'm not gonna read the rest of the skybound comics. i have no interest in another comic that is functionally (at least from the five issues i've read) just a bloodier, more violent g1. it's disappointing that instead of trying to explore the existing transformers characters through a different lens other than "evil" tf writers keep making the decepticons the same old bad guys.

this franchise has so much potential for interesting stories, cyberverse proved that to me when they allowed the autobots to team up with clobber, dead end, and soundwave, but it's being held back by the pervasive trope of the decepticons being the bad guys in every single story

[los-ninos-tortugas]

I’d love your thoughts on…Bayverse tmnt.

This has languished in my inbox for far too long. Quite honestly I was gonna try to come up with some sort of funny meme answer to this and drew up completely blank so instead I'm gonna do sincerity,

It's... it's bad but I still kinda love it? In a weird way? These movies give me weird emotions because I did genuinely enjoy watching them but I'm also very aware that there's... Stuff going on. I've definitely taken my fair share of pot shots at these movies in the past because it's funny, But after seeing this behind the scenes video I do think there's something kind of interesting to talk about; how much thought went into this... for it to still come out pretty mid. Which probably sounds a little mean, and not for nothing I do commend the crews insistence on using a practical set and effects where they could because honestly yeah, it does look awesome. And overall I do think the movies have pretty impressive visuals and the action sequences are a lot of fun but I don't think those things can really save these movies from the weaknesses that just come out of the script itself.

Now I'm not gonna lie it's been a hot minute since I watched these movies so I'm kinda going off my memory here. Could I have taken the time to rewatch them before answering this? Probably. But I didn't so here we go.

The Turtles:

I actually don't really hate their designs? I have a very vivid memory of people making a big stink about how they looked when the first movie came out back in 2014, although back then I wasn't a fan so it all just kinda went over my head. I'm still not a fan of them having lips as opposed to beaks but that's really the only part where I kinda draw the line. I weirdly kinda liked that they tower over all the humans and that their physicality matches just how strong they are in this movie. Their first fight scene is so chaotic because you can't see them yet (again, their ability to sneak around so effectively in spite of their size also adds to the impression they make) but enemies are just flying. Karai is quickly losing control of the situation, Foot Clan grunts are getting thrown into the walls and cracking the subway tile with the force with which they're thrown. The way the scene builds the anticipation for the reveal is really well done in my opinion. Do the turtles look like teenagers? No. Absolutely not. And admittedly this did give me a little bit of cognitive dissonance because I kinda kept forgetting that they are kids with the exception of a few scenes. But they do look like mutants so points for that I guess. And it's pretty cool to see what elements from these turtles seemed to end up carrying over to Rise and Mutant Mayhem. Stuff like the tech on Donnie's shell and his glasses. Raph's bandana, and the turtles wearing more clothes overall. The fact that they're purpose made science experiments this time rather than the result of an accident. Like as much as Bayverse gets kinda treated like the black sheep of the turtle iterations it would be unfair to say it had zero influence on what came after.

These turtles in particular are also really riding the coattails of the superhero movie genre back before we all got tired of it. I feel like unlike a lot of the other iterations-- and while TMNT does kinda fall under the superhero umbrella from their comic origins they also kind of originated their own specific subgenre within that that has a very specific... TMNT-ness to it if you know what I mean (i.e. street sharks, battle toads, gargoyles if you really squint)-- these versions of the turtles are more like straight up superheroes than any other version. They're literally bulletproof, they have super strength, speed, and agility. They can survive in hostile environments that would otherwise kill normal humans- really they might as well have slapped capes on them. There's also this weird cartoony-ness to them. Like they specifically operate on cartoon logic while the rest of the world still operates on regular real world logic. It does take me out of it a bit when it does happen.

As far as personalities go (and this is where my memory gets a bit foggy so bear with me here) Raph and Donnie stand out to me the most and I think that's because they both end up being really empathetic characters. The first movie actually kinda becomes Raph's movie and he gets a lot of screentime and character development. The second movie is definitely a bit more Leo focused but I think it's split a little more evenly overall between all of them. But Raph and Donnie are definitely my favorites in this version. Leo is a bit bland in my opinion. At least compared with other versions I've seen. Maybe on another rewatch I would reassess that but for now he just seems like he's kinda there. He's the leader and that's his job. (Again, the BTS video does more to explore his personality than I think the movies really do, so it's like, how did all this thought go into this for it to still not show through?) I feel like the writers just didn't know what to do with Mikey. He gets a bit more development and character in the second movie (the line delivery on the "we aren't monsters" scene comes to mind. Real gut punch every time) but in the first one he's unfortunately just kind of annoying.

Master Splinter:

Oh is Splinter here? Coulda fooled me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, his one purpose is to provide exposition and then exit the plot as quickly as possible when he is no longer useful. Yes he gets critically injured in the first movie and I feel like it's supposed to raise the stakes- it does not. I do not care about him even a little.

April O'Neil:

Okay I'm conflicted because I love Megan Fox and I really think she tried her best with what she was given to work with. The movie almost did a good- there was kind of a weird but self aware joke about April wanting to be a real journalist and pursue more hard hitting stories but the news network very obviously hired her to put her on television to objectify her and have her do puff pieces and boost their ratings because she's attractive. And I'm like "wow that's actually some really self aware commentary on how Megan Fox has been treated by the industry and by Michael Bay in particular it's really cool that they put that in a movie produced by him- oh nevermind there it is they're objectifying her for the rest of the movie." Which is really unfortunate because the way she plays this kind of more manic and slightly unhinged version of April who is maybe not super socially aware is very funny (cue April slapping a conspiracy board and presenting it as serious evidence to her boss). I think her having a connection to the turtles pre-mutation is a pretty cool play on their origin since usually after being dropped in the sewer they cease to have any connection to the kid that bought them from the pet store. But having April and the turtles remember each other is honestly kinda sweet. (Along with the fact that she gave them their names.)

Casey Jones;

Fuck that guy. That's not Casey Jones because Casey Jones is not a goddamn cop.

Vern:

Exists.

The Bad Guys:

Eric Sacks: Okay I haven't seen anyone else point this out but it's driving me nuts. Has anyone else noticed that this guy's origin story is just The Karate Kid but if he turned out evil? Like he tells the story and I literally had to pause the movie because it blew my mind that they just Did That. I was just going "that's just the plot of The Karate Kid. He just explained the plot of The Karate Kid in this movie as his origin story, they just stole it. AND IT"S THE FUCKING JAIDEN SMITH VERSION NO LESS WTF???" Like is it just me? Am I crazy? They fucking did this earnestly and it's driving me up the goddamn wall.

The Shredder: Motivations, what are those? Crime? Money? I guess? If someone could tell me what the hell this man's actual motivations and goals were in this movie I'd appreciate it because I have no idea. This character has zero personality, I can remember zero of his lines, his costume is dope as hell. I don't understand why he's here except that maybe the writers were contractually obligated to put him in the movie. He's literally The bad guy in all the turtleverse how is he so goddamn unmemorable in this movie??? And in the second one? Sir I feel like you should have more of a reaction to finding out extradimensional aliens are real than going "Okay we work for this guy now." and then proceed to tear apart the fabric of reality for him based on like a two minute conversation. What were you hoping to get out of this arrangement, I know the movie probably said it but like everything else that has to do with the antagonists I cannot remember.

Karai: Is here. I guess. Also just way too cool with learning that mutants and aliens are a thing, never reacts to anything. I'm sure she has lines in these movies, could I tell you anything she said or anything she did that would be indicitave of her having a character or a personality? Nope. She exists to be a henchwoman and that's about it.

Bebop and Rocksteady: Probably the only memorable villains in all of these movies, and that's only because they're funny.

General Krang: Why did they even bother dude. Disappointment.

Honestly after writing this I might go rewatch these movies, because this has just reminded me that their whole deal is kind of wild to be honest. And I probably could go on even more but this has already gotten pretty long. Thanks for the ask and I'm sorry it took so so long. But it was fun to do this kind of break down, and I kinda wanna do more in the future with other tmnt stuff, idk I'll see where that goes or not.

Thanks for reading <3

[autobot2001]

Rare Pairing Fest 8; Crisp Fall Air / Summer's Last Heat

Pairing: Bayverse Crosshairs and Drift Description: a hot summer day is a good day for the pool and a pool party with friends. Fall is a good time for a walk together in the woods and fun in a giant pile of leaves.

Since the Autobots were hiding in the desert, they're used to the heat. Except for today. A streaming 110°. "What an uncomfortable way to end summer," Hound sulks, "even with our holoforms." Bumblebee and Hound join the humans in the pool. Crosshairs has no interest in the pool and hides in the barn. Drift is concerned about Crosshairs being alone even though it's cool in the barn.

"You don't have to stay here," Crosshairs says. "I told you, I don't want you to be alone. I could force you to go swimming." "Later, when they're done," Drift looks at Crosshairs in disgust, "well, if you want to go skinny dipping, then we have to wait until everyone is in bed," Crosshairs smirks. "How many Earth movies have you watched?" "Fine, we'll wait until the others are done in the pool."

The two wait an hour for everyone to be done swimming and go inside. Both wonder how long their swim will last. "Ugh, I think I feel why they didn't stay in the pool long,* Crosshairs complains before activating his holoform. He is more disgusted feeling the heat while using his holoform. Drift expects Crosshairs to retreat back to the barn or into the house. Even Drift doesn't like how the heat feels. Thinking of how the team has yet to experience heat. Even the days when the temperatures were in the 90s were new to them. The two get into the pool. The water feels nice as they escape from the heat. Rather than relaxing, Crosshairs decides to swim laps while Drift watches, sitting on the steps, chest-deep in the water.

Crosshairs swims laps for ten minutes before sitting on the steps with Drift. "This is nice," Crosshairs comments, "and in a few weeks, we can check out the hot tub." Drift smiles, seeing Crosshairs interested in some Earth things. Though he's a little concerned about Crosshairs' choice of Earth movies. The two enjoy the pool for another hour, eventually using the pool floats until the others come back out. This quickly turns into a pool party. Cade fires up the grill to cook cheeseburgers and hot dogs. He also brings out a small cooler full of beer. Something else the Autobots have yet to try. Everyone jokes about how Bee is too young for Earth alcohol.

The pool party lasts three hours before everyone, but Crosshairs and Drift go inside for the night. The sun is about to set. The two deactivate their holoforms and head to the field.

They sit on the ground. Crosshairs stares at Drift, smiling. "What are you thinking about?" Crosshairs asks. "Seeing you trying Earth things, adapting to our situation. I don't think it's just because we were targets that had you refusing. You'd be the same stubborn aft if we were working with the humans. "Hard to think about what we thought would have been our life on Earth, but it's not all bad. At least you're with me." Crosshairs pulls Drift down to lie next to him. The two stay there until the only light is the full moon.

The Autobots are used to the cooler temperatures and crisp fall air, but only Bumblebee has seen the fall leaves. Drift drags Crosshairs into going for a walk in the woods. "How is this relaxing?" Crosshairs asks. "Look at the beautiful colors." Crosshairs sighs, still not enjoying seeing the leaves change colors and fall to the ground.

Meanwhile, at the Yeager property, Cade and Hound clean up the leaves around the yard. Bumblebee convinced them to make a leaf pile big enough for the bots. This takes a little time and gathering leaves from the woods.

Crosshairs thought the two would walk down the trail in the woods and back to the property, but Drift convinced him to sit by a tree. Even in bipedal form, Crosshairs does find this relaxing as he leans on Drift's chassis. "You see why it's relaxing?" Drift asks. "You didn't say anything about relaxing in the woods. I thought you meant just going for a walk." "Well, being with you is relaxing, so yes, a walk in the woods is relaxing." Crosshairs smiles and pulls Drift's helm closer to him to kiss Drift.

The two ended up in recharge for a few hours. Which they know was a big mistake even if they're in the portion of the woods that's part of the Yeager property. They know not all humans obey to 'do not enter' signs. "I'm surprised Hound hasn't tried to contact us," Drift comments, "come on, before he does start questioning where we are."

The two return to the house, staring at a giant pile of leaves. "Ok, I read humans would rake the leaves, but I didn't think they'd make a pile this size," Drift comments. "You're welcome," Cade says, "Bumblebee's idea. Some humans like to jump into the pile and throw leaves around. I don't get the fun when the leaves have to be re-raked." Drift thought this was something Crosshairs would only be interested in doing once he was shoved into the leaf pile as Cade walked away. "This is fun," Crosshairs smiles as he tries to bury Drift under the leaves. Drift sighs, not liking this idea of fun in the leaves, but he's happy Crosshairs is having fun. He stares at the green mech's smile. Distracted that Crosshairs sneaks a kiss. "Something else on your mind?" Crosshairs asks. "Just you," Drift smiles. Crosshairs rests his helm on Drift's chassis. "I love you, samurai." "I love you too, Crosshairs."

[obsidiancreates]

1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Live-Action Movie Liveblog

HERE WE GO BABES TURTLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! Secret of the Ooze is iconic to me so I have high expectations here.

Starting with some city shots, good start- THAT LADY'S COAT I LOVE IT

Is that April? Different actress than in Secret if so

PICKPOCKETING AND PASSING IT ALONG A SECRET NETWORK HELL YEAH- omg that kid is in The Foot? But he looks like a nerd

THEY STOLE THE ENTIRE DAMN TRUCK IN LIKE 5 SECOND LOL

THEY STOLE HER FUCKING TV PFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

There they are, the foot costumes, iconic.

DIGGING the music of this- WHOA SECRET LAIR all of these boys look like Cameron from Ferris Buller's Day Off but like, with different hair colors.

Why'd she make a Ghostbusters joke? They... don't solve robberies?

IT IS APRIL AN SHE'S WITH A DIFFERENT CHANNEL WHAT SHE'S WITH CHANNEL 3????????????

Would a New Yorker actually get that scared of a rat? I have my doubts.

GOD I love sound in 90's movies it so click-clacky

FUCK THEY ATTACKED HER- YEAHHHHHHHHHHH A SAIIIIIIIIIII YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

MY BOYS SAVED HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR HI LIL' RAPH PEEKIN' OUT FROM THE GRATE HEY BUDDY

She grabbed the sai by the blade- HE CURSED RIGHT OFF THE BAT HELL YEAH

GROOVIN' MUSIC BABEY WHOO I AM HYPED SHOW ME THEM RUBBER COSTUMED YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UNCHANGED LOGO FROM THE '87 CARTOON

HEY THIS DONNIE ALSO SHOUTS RANDOM WORDS AS CATHPRASES HE AND RISE COULD BOND OVER THAT

These costumes look super good considering like, what they are. Can the actors see out of those? They're moving so well and those suits must be thick as hell- WAIT RAPH'S VOICE IS WAY LESS DEEP AND RASPY THAN IN SECRET BASED ON THESE COUPLE LINES

You can really tell Jim Henson was involved in the suits once Splinter shows up, like "Oh yeah mmm-hmm he wouldn't even seem out of place in Dark Crystal."

AH THERE'S THE RAPH VOICE I KNOW AND LOVE

PFFFFFFFFFT RANDOM FIGHT WITH DONNIE- ANGY DONNIE

Reaching their pea- Splinter they're 16 and Mikey is ordering pizza instead of listening to you.

PFFFFFFFFFFFT HE LITERALLY THREW THE BOOK AT HIM AND MIKEY JUST THREATENED THE PIZZA GUY LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

One day you'll be gone but not in this damn era JUST 2012 GOTTA DEAL WITH THAT SHIT AT LEAST OUT OF THE TURTLES WHO WERE ON SCRE- wait nevermind I just remembered that Splinter bites it in The Next Mutation. That's- hmm. Well it doesn't count because that show was Bad.

DONNIE MIKEY SWEETHEARTS NO NOT THE TIME FOR A DANCE PARTY but again something 90's Donnie and Rise Donnie have in common

SERIOUSLY CAN THE ACTORS SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING- AWWWWWWWWWW LEO'S LITTLE DANCEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LOOK AT HIS LITTLE DANCEEEEEEEEEEEE AWWWWWW DONNIE AND MIKEY IN THE BACKGROUND AWWWWWWWWWWWWW THEY'RE ADORABLEEEEEEEEEEE

Also just- Raph said aloud he's going to a movie and not only did Leo not mind, Splinter didn't care either

I much prefer the voice Donnie has in Secret but this one isn't bad.

I'M SORRY ONLY $10 FOR A WHOLE DAMN PIZZA?????? OH MY- DUDE I HATE CAPITALISM

Poor Splinter lol- OH MY GOD RAPH ACTUALLY WENT TO A MOVIE AND NO-ONE SAID A FUCKING WORD??????? HE FOR REAL WENT TO A MOVIE??????? I LOVE HIM

Ah it's Casey. You better be better than Out of the Shadows Casey. I actually just rewatched both Bayverse movies today for the first time in years and really enjoyed them for the most part except for 3 things. 1) The Megan Fox sexualization because I know it was Bay being creepy 2) Will Arnett's character didn't need to be here. Give most of his scenes/moments to April. 3) Fucking CW Arrow Casey Jones

Okay he's got more charm to him already, I remember him being sexist though

RAPH LET HIM BEAT THEIR ASSES- LOOK THEY GOT AWAY NOW

Did Raph just... insult his baseball team? Fascinating. I'll never be able to accurately write 90's turtles if this is the stuff they're saying. But I'll try.

Casey is... phenomenally unphased by the mutant turtle.

THIS IS SO GOOFYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT fuck man how many sport tools does Casey have- HE SENT RAPH FUCKIN' FLYINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG RAPH IS STUCK IN THE TRASH OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'LL KILL HIM FOR YOU RAPH SWEETIE OH YOU GOT HIT BY A CAR NO THIS ISN'T YOUR NIGHT I'M SO SORRY BABY

PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT CAB DRIVER: UNPHASED

Damn he really loves the word "Damn".

Splinter now's not the time for a lecture he was hit by a car

Man. So every Splinter's just kinda been really unequipped to handle Raph's anger issues, huh? AWWWWWWWWWWW BUT HE'S TRYING HE'S HERE FOR HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Oh damn April's boss is one of the Foot Kids.

FUCK UP THE POLICE WITH YOUR REPORTING APRIL I BELIEVE IN YOU oh no she's making "Speak English smart-man" jokes

NOT AGAIN NOT MORE MIKEY HAVING A CRUSH ON THE MUCH-OLDER APRIL I HAD ENOUGH OF THAT WITH BAYVERSE

NO THEY'RE ALL SAYING IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OH THE CHIEF IS OPENLY RACIST OKAY WELL ACCURATE TO IRL I GUESS BUT SURPRISING TO SEE- RAPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY ARE YOU OUT IN THE DAYTIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HONEY YOU'RE ASKING FOR TROUBLE

Oh she's alone in the Subway? FOOT BITCHES OH NO Sony payments? Wh- what? What were the 90's?

This April is a lot more feisty than Secret April, I think I like this one more so far. Foot Guy slapped her and she decided "Oh Imma have to kick your entire ass now" and maybe it's an unrealistic goal but I'm proud of her

Yeah she was knocked out instantly RAPH TO THE RESCUEEEEEEEEEEEE

RAPH MY BELOVED I CAN'T THINK OF A SINGLE BAD VERSION OF YOU oh but you are for sure being followed baby, you are for sure being followed

RAPH WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT HER- Pffffft "I wanted to redecorate! You know, a couple throw pillows, a TV news reporter!" I love him.

Mikey no (cool to note though that it seems like 2003 Mikey's "Can we keep her?" line was a reference to this movie)

Ah not a. Not a good thing to wake up to. Reasonable response I think, to scream a lot. Though I do like that in 2012 they kept it nice and short to one scream and then almost-trust, and in Rise they said "Fuck it" and skipped the whole thing.

Yeah this April has way more personality than Secret Apri- PFFFFFFFFFFT "WHY DON'T I EVER DREAM OF HARRISON FORD"

THEM TURTLE BITCHES ARE MEANT TO BE 15??????????????

Oh yeah this one was Yoshi's pet, not Yoshi himself. PFFFFFFFFFT HE HAPPENED UPON THEM BY ACCIDENT

Splinter that. That is clearly not glowing.

OH FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE NOOOOOOOOOO WORST TURTLE TOTS DESIGNS EVER NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO BAD

Oh but they're all so cute as teens though, they look more like tots now than those bad actual-tots did.

Oh no that was a good joke whoever said that- Mikey I think? That was a good one.

SHIT HE POPPED OUT OF THERE LIKE MARIO

Mikey good joke baby I am so sorry she's not appreciating these- oh no celebrity impressions. Love that Raph is irritated by it, good exasperated brother moment.

SHE ALREADY LOVES THEM AND I GET IT THEY'RE ALL ADORABLE LIL' GUYS wait what was that face

OH SHIT THEIR HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO FUCK IT'S TRASHED I guess this is why they have to find a new one in Secret- oh god Donnie dropped to his fucking knees THIS TONAL SHIFT IS WILD HOLY SHIT HOL SHIT THIS TONAL SHIFT RAPH'S FUCKING SCREAM

Oh ew why'd Leo say that like that. That was the creepiest way he could have said Splinter's name.

What a wild day for April. Why the HELL is her boss visiting her HOUSE

So is he trying to cover up his son's involvement?

IS HE CHECKING UNDER THE TAB- KID WHAT

WAS THAT LIKE 11 YEAR OLD SMOKING A FUCKING CIGAR

HOLY SHIT THE FOOT HIDEOUT IS WAY COOLDER THAN 2012 ND RISE THIS PLACE IS POPPIN' LIEK IT'S GIVING ALCOHOL AND CIGARS TO PRETEENS WHICH IS WACK AND BAD BUT IT'S A FUCKIN' PARTY HOUSE DUDE

Ah but then we find the child fighting ring

HEY THAT WAS A DIRTY MOVE TATSU FUCK YOU THAT KID WAS BEIN' RESPECTFUL

Oh the GONG is sounding time to stop PLAYING ARCADE GAMES I guess

This Shredder is always so dipped out dude. Silver tiger striped cape with shoulder pads? Are you kidding me? He's for sure gay.

Having some trouble with the costume there Tatsu? Having trouble moving that cape?

DAMN ND THE RED SEQUINED SPARKLY BODYSUIT THIS GUY'S DRIPPED OUT AS FUCK

Oh so he's just running a straight-up cult in this one okay.

Uhhhhhh Shredder? That one you captured is a rat. Not. A turtle.

MIKEY STOP CALLING HER A BABE

AWWWW YAY RAH DESVERED THAT THANKS AND HE'S SO HAPPY ABOUT IT- oh he almost cut Donnie's. Uh. Well I guess he doesn't have a D actually.

Oh poor Donnie and Mikey. "Fight?" "Fight." "Kitchen?" "Kitchen." They're too used to this. Cute bonding though.

OHHHHH RAPH IS DOING ANGY TRAINING ON THE ROOF NOW- oh hi Casey you've been oddly absent from this movie until now. Of course you just happen to see him- RAPH FUCKING FOOT NINJAS

MIKEY SAID DAMN NOW WHOO

"Where's Raphael?" GETTING HIS ASS WHOOPED- NEVERMIND HE'S WHOOPING THEIR ASSES DUDE THAT'S A REAL GUY DOING THESE MOVEMENTS AND FLIPS AND STUFF IN THAT GIANT SUIT HOW FUCKING IMPRESSIVE IS THAT LIKE DUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I CAN'T GET OVER IT THAT'S A REAL FUCKING GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"How do you guys expect to beat me?" *like two dozen more guys with swords creep up* "Good answer. Good answer!" Raph I love you

APRIL OWNS THE ANTIQUE STORE??????????????? WHY WAS THIS ERASED IN SECRET

BITCHES RAPH IS GETTING KIDNAPPED- okay no he's fi- ALIVE BARELY?????????????????? FUCK

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS MIKEY I love the lack of music over the Foot Guy to make him seem lame as hell

AND DONNIE FOR THE SURPRISE "FUCK UP YOUR FACE WITH A BO ATTACK"

*slap* *slap* *PUNCH* Leo you're a gem

PFFFFFT JUST SPITT WATER AT HIM YEAH DONNIE

THESE BOYS ARE SO FUN WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS LEFT OUT OF CROSSOVER FICSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LOOK AT THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Shit April's apartment is fucked.

Yup there is goes. No more dead-dad antique store I guess.

FUCK 'EM UP BOYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T USE DONNIE'S HEAD TO PLAY PIANO NOOOOOOOOOOOO

MIKEY YEAH USE THE CYMBOLS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MIKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY RAPH WAKE UP RAPH WAKE UP-

CASEY?

CASEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY fuck he was instantly sexist as soon as he saw April SYNTH MUSIC BABEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

OH FUCK IT'S BURNING DOWN PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT TATSU IS DISPLEASED WITH THIS FLAMING TURN OF EVENT BUT UNMOVED BY THE FIRE BOY GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THERE

Casey being an Instant Ally, hell yeah.

WHY THE HELL DID HE FIRE HER- FUCK CHARLES SUCKS

IT'S THE PARTY WAGONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS oh and her house burned down that sucks yeah feel sorry kid BUT THEY WERE IN THE PARTY WAGONNNNNNNNNN

Oh Shredder is PISSED

DON'T PUNCH SPLINTER I'LL KILL YOU GET YOUR BLADES OFF OH MY GUY SPLINTER I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT YOU'LL WISH THE FUCKING GARBAGE TRUCK KILLED YOU YOU BITCH

Tatsu STOP fucking hell THOSE ARE YOUR OWN GUYS AND YOUR OWN EQUITMENT CALM THE FUCK DOWN MAN WHAT THE HELL

YEAH KID MAYBE THESE GUYS SUCK MAYBE LET THE RAT GUY GO

Splinter INSTANTLY decided to Dad this kid. I love him so much. He sees ANY person younger than him and decides "I'm your parent now"

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Splinter I. "All fathers care for their sons" I get where you're coming from but. Not true. Not true. Not. True.

IT'S THE FUCKING FARMHOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BUT RAPH IS THE ONE IN THE COMA NOW FUCK DUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THE FARMHOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 2012 USED THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Casey JUST met these people and he's like "I'm your family now" BROADZILLA?????????????????? WHAT CASEY WHAT WAS THAT FUCK YOU FOR THAT ONE

Mikey and Donnie continue to be the best duo. I do miss this in 2012, they aren't as close as I wish they were.

DAMN SHE'S A GOOD ARTIST

HEY THE INSULT GAME YAY THEY REFERENCE THIS IN 2012 TOO

Fongoid? ... Like the Ratchet & Clank species?

DUDE 2012 LITERALLY- THIS IS THE FARMHOUSE ARC WHAT THE HELL

Oh that is a bad pose- why'd they do that to Raph? Why'd they put him in the tub like that? That can't be comfortable. That's a terrible position to stick him in.

This movie has more Severe Tonal Shifts than a single conversation with me does.

THERE'S WATER IN THA- HIS FACE IS DOWN THERE HE'LL FUCKING DROWN'

And after that... flirting with Casey. TONAL SHIFTS GALORE where the fuck did Casey go in Secret. Oh nevermind maybe April killed him for his sexist pet names.

RAPH WOKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP YAYYYYYYYYYYYY AND HE'S QUIPPING ALREADY YAYYYYYYYYY HE'S OKAY OH AND LEO IS SO HAPPY I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL OVER HOW HAPPY LEO ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM THEY ARE BROTHERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS BROTHERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS AWWWWWWWWWWWWW THEY HUGGEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I'M WITH DONNIE AND APRIL I'M TEARIN' UP

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK IS WITH THE SHOUT OF SPLINTER FROM THE ROOFTOP THESE DRAMATIC-ASS TURTLES I LOVE THEM

"Hey. Why're you so pressed about the turtles, Shreddy my man?" "Reminds me of a guy I killed." "Oh okay."

FOREST TRAININGGGGGGGGGGG is Casey using Leo's katana to very poorly cut carrots first thing in the morning? EW EW HE MANHANDLED APRIL INTO A MASSAGE I HATE THIS GROSS

Awwwwwwwwww But cute brother moment between Raph and Mikey, that was good.

FUCK SPLINTER IS SO COVERED IN BLOOD OH FUCK

Awwww they're playing Trivia! Oh I love them.

TIME FOR THE SPIRIT FIRE- DUDE LITERALLY THE WHOLE DAMN FARMHOUSE ARC FROM 2012 IS IN THIS MOVIE FOR REAL

Donnie with the marshmallows yessssssssssss

THERE HE IS BLUE FIRE SPLINTER SPIRIT DUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS SLAPS

HELL YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TEAMWORKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Is it love? Familial love? IT'S LOVE HELL YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S FAMILIAL LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

OH THE BOYS ARE CRYING OH SOMEONE HUG MIKEY AND RAPH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MIKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OH THEY'RE SUCH SWEET BOYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSI LOVE THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

DON'T GO FROM THAT BEAUTIFUL SCENE WITH SPLINTER AND THE BOYS TO CASEY AND APRIL'S LIKEWARM FLIRTING

Casey's having a weird time dude. He's insta ride-or-die but he's gonna be upset about it the whole time.

PFFFFFFFFT "Don't shoot!" *looking at the sword* "I don't think it's loaded, kid." RAPH I LOVE YOU

90'S CASEY HOMOPHOBIC?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK-

YES YOU DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE THIS ABOUT BEING AFRAID YOU SEXIST HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLE

I'm sorry, sleeping in the truck is better than sleeping in the sew- well actually I'll cut myself off there

KEEP THE- KID WHAT THE HELL WHY DO YOU WANT THOSE DRAWINGS KID YOU ARE FUCKED UP

Awwww they're having a funeral for the pizza. I love Donnie and Mikey's dynamic in this movie.

Casey just like. Get a motel or something. I can feel the back pain in my own back?

Danny are you possessed

These turtles are way too fucking trusting.

Well I wish I could root for Casey here but he's a homophobe. Kind of ruined him for me, that one throwaway line.

CASEY CAN JUST WALK IN TO THE FOOT HIDEOUT?!?!?!? NOBODY'S GUARDING THE DOOR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

SPLINTER LOOKS SO CUTE IN THIS MOVIE HE'S GOT SUCH BIG EYES AND THEY'RE SO WET AND SAD LOOKING HE'S JUST A LIL' GUY

AWWWWWWWWWWWW LOOK AT PRE-MUTATION SPLINTER DOIN' HIS LITTLE MARTIAL ARTS IN HIS CAGE

Well I guess Tang Shen and Yoshi didn't end we- FUCK SAKI MURDERED HER AND YOSHI HOLY SHIT HOLY FUCK WHAT THE HELL HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HIS LITTLE CUDDLE OF YOSHI'S HAND OH SPLINTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SPLINTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Damn Casey pulled a Like Skywalker

YEAH ID YOU'RE IN A MURDER CULT- OH FUCKKKKKKKKKK SHREDDER CAUGHT HIM FUCK FUCK HE'S GONNA KILL THIS KID

NOOOOOOOOO THE DRAWINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

CASEY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW SPLINTER- DUDE HE'S JUST INSTANTLY TRUY RIDE OR DIE LIKE WHAT THE HELL XD

PFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT THE FOOT GUYS WIGGLING INTO THE STORM DRAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

THEIR DOOR!!!!!! HASN'T IT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSS BOYS FUCK 'EM UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP WHOOOOOOOOOOO THOSE FOOT GUYS STOOD NO CHANCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Fuck there are more, Raph you curled a finger on the monkey paw or whatever the saying is

"Who the fuck are you" "Uh I met your sons and their reporter friend and then lived with 'em for a few days and I guess I'd die for all of you now. I don't have a lot else going on in my life."

THIS APRIL IS SO MUC COMPARED TO SECRETS APRIL

I am not upset about Casey being punched repeatedly. That's what you get for the sexist and homophobic and I think he was just Racist?

GOLF CLUB HOT DAMN HE SENT THAT GUY FLYING TOO HOW FUCKING STRONG IS THIS CASEY

YES DONNIE SKATEBOARD THROUGH THOSE TUNNELS DESTROY THEIR FACES

LISTEN TO THE DYING RAT YOU KIDS YOU CAN BE BUDS WHILE NOT LIKE MURDERING GUYS

PFFFFFFFFFT FLEEING BACK OUT THE STORM DRAIN AND MY BOYS ARE PURSUING THEM RELENTLESSLY WHILE MAKING PUN ATTEMPTS YES I FUCKING LOVE THIS OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS I NEED THE NEXT TMNT TO HAVE THIS KIND OF ENERGYYYYYYYYYYYYY THIS ENERGY IS SO FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN BRING BACK SYNTH MUSIC

MIKEY AND DONNIE'S DYNAMIC IS THE MVP OF THIS MOVIE LIKE IT'S ALL GOOD BUT THEIR DYNAMIC IS TRULY *CHEF'S KISS*

THERE ARE REAL FUCKING GUYS IN THOSE SUITS DOING THOSE MOVIES

HOLY FUCK SHREDDER DROPPED FROM THE SKY IN HIS SEQUINED BODYSUIT AND ALL DONNIE HAD TO SAY WAS "Who is this?" DESTROYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

LEO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT MOVIE YOU JUST JUMPED AT HIM love that Shredder let them do the rock-paper-scissors

DONNIE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH SHIT MIKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OH NO NOT RAPH RAPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP BEATING MY BOYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS OH SHIT OH SHIT CASEY SAW THE GARBAGE TRUCK OH HELL YES I AM READY

LEO YOU CAN DO THIS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH BUT HE GOT A GOOD HIT IN

OH SHIT HE PISSED OFF LEO BUT IT DID NOTHIGN LEO IS ABOUT TO DIE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK OBVIOUSLY HE WAS GONNA KILL HIM ANYWAY

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SPLINTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KICK HIS ASS MY GUY KICK HIS ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS OH SHIT SPLINTER SCARRED HIM UP REAL GOOD HELL YEAH HELLLLLLLLLL YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH SPLINTER DIDN'T EVEN FLINCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DROP HIS ASS YESSSSSSSS DEATH COMES FOR US ALL BUT SOMETHING MUCH WORSE COMES FOR YOU FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHH GOOD LINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FUCKING CRUSH HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS HE IS SMUSHEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I KNOW HE COMES BACK BUT YESSSSSSSSSSSS

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FAMILY HUG FAMILY HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG THIS MOVIE FUCKING RULES I LOVE THIS MOVIE I LOVE MY 90'S BOYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I like Secrets April, despite how little she's really in the movie, but this April is better for sure. Way more fun, way more spark to her.

Casey now is not the time. Leave her alone. WHERE DID THE KISS ME REQUEST COME FROM WHAT I will never understand

Awwww it is cute though that the turtles are so happy for him, that's adorable.

SAY IT SPLINTER SPLINTER SAID COWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THIS MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS IS A GOOD MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This credit song isn't great but THE MOVIE WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WHY DON'T MY 90'S BOYS GET ANY OF THE MULTIVERSAL CHAT FIC LOVE