#like i dont think i have done enough to 'earn' being 'burnt out' because i basically do nothing all the time

[ttaibhse]

maybe im mentally iller than i think. but i feel so normal apart from when i dont

[bang-bangtan-boys]

Proposal

{Yoongi x M! Reader}

Warnings: none

Summary: Can I request male reader proposing to bts ( or only Yoongi) pls???? Thankssssss

Sry for taking so long to get this out :/

You held the small box close to your chest, looking over your outfit in the mirror. Yoongi was waiting outside the door for you, also suited up. Neither of you wore ties, deciding that even though this was a formal date, it was also just you two, so it didn’t matter. ‘Except it does matter,’ you thought to yourself, ‘Everything matters today…’ you eyes the [f/c] tie on the counter, before moving you gaze to the door to open it. The box had made its way to your back pocket as you flashed Yoongi a smile. “Let’s go?” You asked. He nodded, holding his hand out lazily for you to hold. You did so, and began pulling him with you.

Yoongi slid into the passenger's seat as you did with the driver's seat. It was better this way, since your car wasn’t big and pure ivory black like the ones Yoongi had to ride in. But that was only as a member of BTS. Right now, he was Min Yoon Gi, and he was with you…

Yoongi rested his head against the window, eyes closing as the hum of the car lulled him to relaxation. You wondered if he was asleep, seeing as he didn’t snore or anything. When you made it to the fancy restaurant, you lightly shook him. “Hyung, we’re here,” you said to him, and he groaned. He rubbed his eyes and looked at you, giving a barely noticeable smile and walked out, grasping your hand gently before letting it go. His other hand went into his blazer pocket, and he walked to the front. You opened the door for him, entering the beautifully lit area after him. Yoongi looked around, eyes showing childish awe while the rest of his face held its usual bored, dead expression. You had reserved a seat for the both of you yourself with the money you earned from your small job. Yoongi was proud of you, and he’d made it his goal to stress it to you. You turned to him, smiling, “They’re going to take a few minutes to clean the table, we have to wait a bit.”

Yoongi nodded, sitting on one of the cushion couches while you sat in the one across from him. That was strange; why didn’t you sit next to him? There was a seat right there, so why didn’t you take it? He frowned, a small pout playing to his lips. Now that he noticed it, you were rather fidgety and nervous, constantly rubbing your hands against your clothed knees. He moved seats to sit next to you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder. You blushed, letting out a cough, “Hyung, w-what are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing? Hugging my boyfriend, that’s what I’m doing…”

“But Hyung, we’re in public- your reputation-”

“Fuck my reputation… actually, just fuck me.”

“Hyung-“

“Shut up and hug me back, idiot.”

You returned the gesture seconds after, placing your head on his head and your arms around his slim waist. You may have been younger, but both your build and your height made everyone think Yoongi was at least five years younger than you. Yoongi minded at first, saying he ‘wasn’t that short’ and ‘had hit puberty first, meaning his voice was deeper and he was older’, but everyone just skimmed over that and continued their assumptions anyway.

After a few minutes, a waiter called you over. You had hooked Yoongi’s arm under yours as you walked, separating so you could sit across from each other. You hadn’t made much conversation aside from asking what other thought was good on the menu. Once your order was done, you let the water take your menus. Yoongi then rested his cheek on his hand, the other hand moving to feel his first arm as he looked at you, “You know, this type of thing isn’t really how I’d spent a Saturday night…” he started, and your heart dropped. He continued, “But… I’m proud of you. I know you worked really hard to afford a reservation here and I applaud you for that.” He gave a sweet smile, “I have a wonderful, handsome, hard working boyfriend to call my own.”

“Hyung…” you whimpered, wiping your slightly tears eyes. Yoongi perked up, “Ah- shit… i didnt mean to make you cry.” He reached over to get a napkin to wipe your face, but you just waved your hand dismissively, “No I’m- I’m fine. It’s okay, Hyung… I’m fine…” Yoongi nodded, placing the cloth back to its original spot. You composed yourself before the waiter came with your food. You stood up, looking at Yoongi, “I need to use the bathroom.” Yoongi nodded, sipping a glass of water.

You pulled the waiter with you- BamBam, read the name tag- and you spoke to him, “Sir, if you could please dim the lights at around-” you checked your watch, “- 9.30, and get your musicians to play something for me? I am about to propose to the man across from me-” you prayed he wouldn’t throw you two out for being homosexuals, “and it’s really nerve wracking for me and i just want everything to be perfect. Oh god, what if he says no? Oh Jesus, lord, dear god. I’m burnt toast…” you continued to rant softly to yourself, before a hand on your shoulder snapped you out of your thoughts. It was the waiter, “You’ll be fine, sir. I’ll ask the band and see if the chefs can arrange the lights for you. I understand, you’ll be alright.” The comfort helped you, and you relaxed, smiling gently. “Thank you,” you said simply, planning on giving him your entire next paycheck to him as a tip for being so generous.

You came back, smiling brightly as you were unable to contain it, “Hey Hyung!” Yoongi cocked an eyebrow, swallowing the food in his mouth, “Was your pee trip so good you feel the need to be all sunny?” You shook your head, a flustered expression on your face now instead. “Hyung! You’re so loud!”

“I can be louder if you want… like-” his voice lowered, and you sat down, leaning closer to hear what he had to say, “Like when you’re pounding into me so hard i can see the whole universe, or when you tease me so much i cant stand it and i feel like I’m on cloud nine. Or when-”

“Okay!” You interjected, voice cracking slightly as you gained the attention of those around you, “That’s enough, thank you!”

Your food was devoured rather quickly and you sat there, searching for the mop of red hair that belonged to your assistant in this ‘operation’. When you spotted him, he flashed you a smile and gave a thumbs up. Earlier, you had given him music sheets you had in your back pocket. It was a self written piece of sheet music from ‘Save Me’, a much more soft tone to it instead of the usual upbeat one. The musicians had it in front of them, and they began playing. Yoongi perked up instantly at the song, remembering it quite quickly. He looked around, wondering if anyone had noticed him, before gasping. “You ,” he said, almost accusingly, but you knew it was actually excitement, “You did that, didn’t you. Why?” You giggled, watching as the lights dimmed. This gathered everyone’s attention, and they looked around, probably wondering the worst case scenario. Yoongi stared at you, waiting for an answer. BamBam gave you a Bigger smile, using both hands to give you a thumbs up. You nodded, and Yoongi looked behind him. When he looked back forward, you were kneeling before him. The box was opened to reveal the pretty blue-ish white diamond adorned on a silver ring. Yoongi gasped at the sight; the ring was truly beautiful.

“Min Yoon Gi,” you began, and some people gasped at the name, “You have offered me nothing but kindness- of course, aside from the first years of elementary, where you shoved bulgogi down my shirt and i was forced to go home. You were lucky, and only got a detention for ruining my Captain America shirt,” you chuckled, and Yoongi did too, but he still felt bad about it, “When I saw you again, you had already graduated high school. The only reason i saw you again was because you came back to help clean the lockers. Who knew I’d have your old one?” Yoongi scoffed, arms crossing while his left leg rested on top of his right thigh. He smirked, eyeing you to continue, “Since then, we’ve grown closer throughout friendship. Eventually, it turned to liking and then loving each other. Somewhere down the line, I dont know how.” Some people chuckled, others murmured amongst themselves. “Either way,” you continued, “Nothing I say can make you want to, but- somewhat like i said all those years ago- would you maybe consider marrying me?” Your head tilted, and Yoongi couldn’t help but compare you to a dog, and he chuckled. Your heart sank as he shook his head, as if he were disapproving you. You dropped your arms slightly, shoulers sinking as you looked down. The music had stopped playing, and more chattering could be heard in the background.

“You idiot,” Yoongi said, leaning forward to lift your chin, “Of course i would.” You let out a sigh of relief, smiling. Tears began to flow down your cheeks and Yoongi wiped them away with his thumbs. “Aish, dont cry,” he said, “you kid…” you nodded, standing up now and towering over his smaller frame. You tried to put the ring on his finger, but you shook too much, so Yoongi did it for you. He sighed, taking your cheeks and kissing you, you wrapped your arms around him and some people cheered. Others began to pack their things and leave. BamBam walked up to you two to congratulate you, opening a party popper to celebrate. “Meal’s on me,” he said, laughing gently while Yoongi tried to remove the strings in his hair. You chuckled, “That wont be necessary, I-”

“Are you kidding? That was the cutest shit I have ever seen,” he said, “Don’t even bother. That ring looks expensive, might as well not trouble you more, right?” You shook your head, “That meal would cost you an arm and a leg, its fine. Really-”

Yoongi sighed, taking his wallet and pulling out a 100 dollar bill. ‘Wow,’ you thought, ‘what a flex…’

“To pay for our meal. Keep the change for yourself, ‘kay? Buy something nice or something,” he pat BamBam’s cheek softly, turning to walk with you back to your car. You did so, tripping over yourself a few times. Yoongi pulled the keys out of your pocket once you got outside, giving them to your hands, “You drive by my directions, okay?” He said. You whined, “But i wanna go hoooome~” Yoongi shook his head, “You gave me a wonderful surprise, now its time for me to return the favor.”

You drove based on his instructions, realizing you were going to the BigHit Studio. You gave Yoongi a confused face, “Wha- why are we here?” He shook his head, taking you arm and leading you to his ‘Genius Lab’. You followed suit, and he shoved you against the couch as soon as you entered. You fell back with an ‘oof’, and Yoongi sat on top of you, blazer removed as he began grinding down against you. “Wha- Yoongi-”

“Face it,” he said breathlessly, “Two guys in South Korea cant get officially married. So,” he leaned down to your ear, panting against it as he chuckled, “Might as well make this our first night as husbands, right? What better than exploring each other?”

You two had fun that night, lets say that...

[thespermicidaljellies]

Positive reflective life ramble on adversity, sickness, and the aftermath of 'crisis mode'

So, getting severely physically sick gradually over the past year and a half---because really my doctors and I have figured out its been a gradual thing that's been deteriorating for a while, I realized that even though I've had a LONG series of really awful stuff happen to me, every single thing internally changed part of me in an extraordinary way that's so so healthy and solidifying. It's all because of the amount of work and time I've put in from like age 17 till now in therapy, personally, and within my relationships, and even though I couldn't abate the physical effects or my own frankly severe clinical depression due to genetics, the way I've handled and allowed events in the past year or so to impact me was like the stress test proving that the work has had a permenant impact? It proved to me that as a person I'm healthy, I take things in a healthy way, I approach people in a healthy way, I conceptualize criticism and failing in the healthiest way I can with my rsd, and I set healthy goals and have healthy desires. BUT I haven't been able to actualize any of it because honestly, after everything I kind of just wanted to stagnate and have nothing new happen event wise so that I could just breath and have some stability because I've been totally exhausted and burnt out. I should have taken a semester or a year off of school, the worry and sudden ambivilance to school really hurt my health and my ability to just breath again, and the decision to just tread water and endure without any real changes in my daily routine definetely hurt my energy and health. Taking almost a year off from any kind of dating and sex, and shit even research was good for me. Like to an extreme extent, but I should have listened to my body saying "I'm too exhausted to even use this extra time to benefit myself" and just taken time off from school to work and move out temporarily etc.

But none of that matters now bc I got very very sick, and being bed ridden, isolated, and totally stripped of any sense of security or complacency has really changed my entire perspective on life and the finality of it and the responsibility I have to myself not just internally but externally in the form of action and challenge. My family lives a supremely unhealthy lifestyle and it's impacted me greatly. Our diets are terrible, even with the changes I've made in the past to mine by eating less fatty meat and no frozen foods, it's not enough, I haven't exercised enough or respected my body at all and doing so now will literally kill me down the line. The second I'm medically cleared I'm getting a personal trainer/physical therapist and getting in very good shape, I was an athletic kid and I've said I wanted to do this in the past but there's this weird thing inside of me where a certain threshold is reached where I know that something HAS to happen and it's absolutely going to and it's there, I dont have a doubt in my mind that it's going to happen.

Mentally I need to find a stable medication and therapy routine to treat my dysthymia because I'm unfortunate enough to have inherited my mom's near Electroconvulsive Therapy levels of long term depression, but im extremely lucky it doesn't really come in the form of sadness, just all the other physiological and psychological factors like poor motivation, anhedonia etc. Finding the right treatment now will pretty much give me a baseline to know what my normal is, because it's been a FAT minute since I've been at my baseline, and that'll give me the awareness I need (combined with CBT) to identify warning signs because emotional states aren't identifiers for me. Lastly on a personal level, I'm in fucking shambles rn in all other facets of my life but my health destroying itself stripped me down to only my internal world, and who I am as a person as the only things left. And I feel incredible, like I feel so fucking healthy and loving and assured in who I am and my worth, and all of it has been tested and tried and proven through terrible events, but the only way to remove doubt from my brain was through those events.

I think the past few weeks have been really dark, depressing, and sad for me because its been this weird grieving period of fear and sorrow about all the negative shit that's happened and the perceived loss of the life I've been leading but really, every time I'd think it would lead back to a conclusion of how I'd benefited out of it and the reality that I havent been living, I've been in crisis mode since July 2017, and the strip back down to the core that I'm enduring now is exactly what needed and maybe even what was supposed to happen.

After two days ago, the worst I felt in my entire life, I woke up and like all the fear of intimacy, being vulnerable, taking risks, and making concrete choices is just gone, because there is  literally no more back tracking and hedonistic fleeing from fears even possible. The few people that I've not cut out in my life and have stuck around have said consistently over the past few weeks how much I've helped them and have given so many examples of times where I helped support them at their worst times, from suicide attempts to breaking off engagements to sexual abuse and changing careers, and I honestly didn't realize that people ever thought I'd had that much of an impact in that and I never really believed that I had earned or deserved to receive help or loyalty from people, it's been incredibly meaningful and validating for my biggest difficulty, vulnerability and accepting help. I think once I start to get my shit in order it's time I open myself up to a serious relationship or dating again, but without a goal of actively trying to obtain it, it needs to be with someone who's in the same position I am, the uphill climb AFTER the first uphill climb from neglect and lack of self respect to having identified what the soul needs and wants and what you provide and want others around you to provide to your life as well. I know this all sounds horribly pretentious but I'm here man, like it's all in the past been heal heal heal, and now it's like: the buildings are all built, let's occupy and use them and invite others in to use them as well. Idk yeah, that's everything I guess, I posted this for a specific few people who I know read my tumblr to keep an eye on what's been going on in my life since I'm not active on twitter/Instagram anymore, but thanks to anyone who read anyways.

Officially done with Lyme disease treatment today btw 🤘🏻

[dilfhakyeon-moved]

Fire should be illegal - Ralbert

It really should js, but it’s fun so who cares

Second part, here’s the first part ewe

Race has fire powers, he deals with the consequences of his tomfooleries, but... not today

Please REBLOG if you liked it !! ( also don’t be afraid of commenting )

Tag list: ( ask if you wanna be removed bc tbh i’m kinda too tired to tag so many people when half don’t read it, save me some time and energy i already don’t have a lot ) @well-the-kids-do-too @racetrackcook @i-got-personality @imjusttheoutgoingsidekick @thatfancyclam @we-dont-sell-papes @ben-cook-can-cook @not-your-cigar @fuckinviral @jackhasdreams @racescoronas @suddenly-im-respecsable @purplelittlepup @hopeful-broadwaybaby @broadwayandbookblog @crazymecjc @maiawakening

The prompt for this one was “We’re all a little stronger than we think we are.”, hehehe

Ever since Race had found out about his abilities - and things had been sorted out between Albert and him regarding this matter -, he'd... somehow tried to control it a little better. Small beginnings, of course ; accidents that occurred because they had to. After the candles had been lit perfectly, Race had thought it wouldn't go too wrong, but he'd managed to be wrong about something yet again. Nothing unusual, but unlike many things, this one was actually dangerous.

He hadn't deemed wearing the gloves useful, at first: he'd managed to control it this time, that meant he could control it as a whole, right ? Mistake !

See, Race somehow had spotted the beginning of a painting of Albert and himself Jack had began, and while his excitement had overcome him and he'd grabbed it to go and show his boyfriend, his hands had done the work. In under a few seconds, there were ashes on the ground, and a true feeling of... yes, terror. He'd burnt one of Jack's paintings. Great, but not the worst one ; Crutchie had recently adopted a puppy despite Davey being unconditionally terrified of her. The blond, once again getting excited at the sight of the little thing, almost burnt her - the fire fortunately left his hands before they were against the pup, and he just rushed himself outside instead of saying anything about it. He'd also almost set the kitchen on fire again, but he'd fixed it before it got too bad, and they didn't have to buy anything. It'd suck, with the amount of no money they had.

All this had happened in two weeks, pretty much, and now Race was just sprawled out on his stomach on their bed, looking at the door with a lot of feelings internally, but externally he was deadpanning. At himself. Albert was watching him from time to time, himself scrolling down his phone, then eventually chuckled and shifted so he'd be close enough to gently tap his shoulder.

"C'mon, don't make this face. What's wrong now ?"

"Y' know what." The answer clearly wasn't as enthusiastic, which earned a laugh from the redhead as he ruffled his hair.

"I mean, you ain't been doin' so bad, huh ?"

"Yea, ain't been doin' too bad. Been doin' awful. Clearly, there's a difference, an' we sure gotta point it out."

This time, Albert rolled his eyes. Race wasn't looking at him, but he could tell if he did have a better reaction it'd be pushing his hand away. Things weren't going well for him, nor for anyone else really - and by his fault -, and he was supposed to... not make this face ? What a joke. If he had the ability, he'd be hidden underground, living as a hermit with no prospects. He was already doing the "no prospects" part well, though, to be fair. The redhead kept his hand in his hair, either way. Just ruffled it some more.

"C'mon, it's fine. We're just... all a bit stronger than we think we are."

"Oh, what - don't pull that shit on me !" This time Race turned around, shoving Albert before sitting up and huffing, reaching out to throw a pillow at him.

Another light laugh left his boyfriend though, and he shifted back closer to him, forcefully pulling him into a hug and bringing him back down, lying down but keeping him in his arms. Which the blond didn't really fight against, instead leaning into it and sighing quietly. These embraces were comforting, and he didn't have the strength to stay angry. He was upset with himself, but he wasn't as angry and frustrated. Or maybe he was. But it didn't manifest as much.

For a while, nothing else moved, only breathing could be heard and eventually Race calmed down, his frown having softened by then.

"I don't know, Al. I jus'... keep fuckin' it up, like it's gotten worse or somethin'. Whenever I feel a bit more of anythin' than usual, everythin's on fire."

"Maybe works with your heart rate ?" The other suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"No idea. But I burnt that thing Jack was doin' an' I feel like shit. Didn't even say sorry, kinda just... ran away, I should'a waited for him to come back but how do I explain to him that I burnt his stuff ? Couldn't have been an accident..."

If someone had to know about Race's troubles and insecurities, it could only be Albert. And of course, he did understand where his lover was coming from, how was he to explain ? If only he knew. Sigh.

"Just... Maybe just tell him."

"What ? You're crazy ! What's he gonna say if I jus' tell him my hands made fire ?"

"I don't know. Try it so you know what's he gonna say."

The look on Race's face was something. Part of him seemed like he just didn't comprehend what he was told to do, and... well, he understood, yes, but was that a normal thing you just told your friend ? Was this something that happened ? Perhaps, because if he had these powers then it wasn't so unusual, but he still couldn't tell what the reaction would be. Or if it'd be a good idea to come out about it.

"Think I should... tell everyone ?" So he was considering it either way.

"Yeah, I think so," Albert began, holding him closer and pressing a kiss on his forehead. Hopefully reassuring him a little more. "They'll understand, I mean... If I understood, they can understand too, yea ? We're all friends."

"I guess."

Race did feel vulnerable at the moment, but everything was just exhausting anyway. He'd deal with this another day, surely ; at the moment his thoughts were well enough, he didn't need more... bleh.

"Can I nap an' forget this shit ?"

"Do I look like I'd say no to a nap ?"

"... No, but I 'on' know. Oh, whatever, shut up." The blond groaned and buried his face in Albert's chest, frowning some more. "Shut up an' just hug me."

Albert laughed, shaking his head before closing his eyes. "Sure thing, shithead."

"Nah, you."

"Love you too."

That was probably the best way to end this conversation ; a good, well-deserved nap.

[rockandroobuckaroll]

Just a rant to get some stuff off my chest.

I don't even know if I have the words to say how I feel at the moment. I just feel at the end of my tether. I've been working practically nonstop these past six months with only either one or two days off a week that are very rarely in a row. I'm so burnt out I can't bring myself to do stuff that I actually want to do when I do have time off, because i want to spend that time catching up on sleep or just sitting around and resting because I don't have the energy to do what I want to do.

But I also can't take holiday off from work because I'm only on a four hour contract. So rather than earning my usual roughly £250 a week I'll be earning a solid £38 and it's just not financially viable. At the same time I feel like I need to, just to have some time to cool down from the stress of going from losing my old job, to gaining two jobs a week later, to then being to busy to do my second job, to being promoted to an assistant manager that I really don't feel qualified to do. I just feel so overwhelmed and incompetent at what I do.

My depression and overall mental health has been at an all time low recently, which is staggering considering my past and two acts on my life by now. I honestly don't know how I'm still functioning. It feels like I'm in survival mode constantly, but whenever something happens my mind just fogs over and I can't think straight at all. Like the other week I was trying to count the tills at work when the stupid cash counter started playing up, so I told the other manager I was on with just to let him know I might be running late because of the dumbass machine. He then proceeded to sit in the office with me watching and my mind just completely seized up to the point where I forgot how to work the stupid thing. All you have to do is pile the notes on it then remove them once you're done and I couldn't think straight enough to even do that. I just felt so stupid in the moment. And even though he's nice enough not to say anything I couldn't help but feel like he was honestly surprised that I managed to get the assistant managers job... even if I only applied because I felt like I had to. I didn't actually expect to get it.

So work is going poorly, I can't do anything in my free time because I'm too exhausted and I haven't even got round to my s/h habits coming back tenfold and my ED being worse than it's ever been. I physically can't force myself to eat if I'm having a bad day and at the moment that's all I seem to be having. But I've reached the point where I feel sick because I'm not eating, but then if I do eat something I feel sick because I've eaten, if that makes any sense. This constant state really isn't helping with me being able to think clearly either but I can't do anything about it to stop it. And to top it all off both my laptop is nearly in two and I dropped my phone and cracked all the screen yesterday so that's going to be an expensive fix.

I don't know, I just feel so useless and overwhelmed and just fed up with everything. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't talk to people about it because I don't really know the people at work that well, I dont have any friends that live near me anymore and my parents are the kinds of people that don't believe in mental health issues and think it's all just a cry for attention. I'm just tired I guess.

[beeapocalypse]

whats up lads this is long as hell and its abt if lucky (dumbass ncr courier not really courier) was a fo:nv companion under the cut bc i dont want 2 clutter dashes :^)

Affiliation: NCR (May not agree w all of their ideal but hes been treated well enough with them that hes got a loyalty)

Role: NCR sergeant, companion

Location: Around and about the Mojave outpost, typically near knight

Base SPECIAL: S- 5 P- 8 E- 6 C- 7 I- 5 A- 8 L- 2

Tagged skills: Guns, repair, and lockpick

Perks: Confirmed Bachelor (ghhhjsjhdh), Friendly Disposition, (OPTIONAL) Buckeye Brilliance, (OPTIONAL) Hollister History

Lucky can be met at the Mojave outpost in three different locations (the bar sitting near Lucy, patrolling outside near the car scrap, or in the headquarters leaning on Knight’s desk). Where he is encountered will impact the initial dialogue you have with him. 

When in the bar, he’ll remark that he’s got nothing else to do and asks if the courier would be interested in a game of caravan. If refused, he’ll politely wave them off and go back to his drink. This renders it impossible to get him as a companion until he either changes places or a full 24 hours passes. It doesn’t matter if the courier wins or loses the caravan game, it will bring him into the universal dialogue for recruiting him. 

When patrolling, Lucky will cheerfully greet the courier and ask for their help in getting a bit of an engine torn out of a broken up car. This requires passing a repair check of 25, and afterwards he will explain that he’s working on a motorcycle prototype after the last one suffered a ‘tragic accident’ (one of his responses to a further question when asking about himself, Lucky will explain that he accidentally crashed the last prototype into a small Legion patrol, earning him a promotion). If the repair check is failed, it will be rendered impossible to get him as a companion until he either changes places or a full 24 hours passes. If the check is passed, it will bring him into the universal dialogue for recruiting him.

When hanging out with Major Knight, the courier must first speak with Knight (only if they haven’t at all before, if initial dialogue with him is completed Lucky will be available for conversation). Afterwards, Lucky will greet the courier and ask for a favor. Giving them 80 caps and a weathered service rifle, he claims that he accidentally dropped a hunk of metal on it and Knight’s banned him from repairs after he almost blew himself up with a jury rigged engine. If the courier refuses to do the favor, Lucky will claim that he’ll get the ‘pissed looking redhead at the bar’ to do it for him, rendering it impossible to get him as a companion until he either changes places or a full 24 hours passes. If the favor is done,  it will bring him into the universal dialogue for recruiting him.

After any of the three things above are completed, Lucky will be able to be initiated with the dialogue for recruiting him. The courier has a chance to ask him about the slow conditions at the Outpost and his boredom around the place, eventually recommending getting out and about the place. Lucky mentions how he’s been wracking up days off since he’s always at work, and that a word with Ranger Jackson might be able to get a word in for him. Lucky expresses that he would be fine with travelling around with the courier since they seem like the adventuresome sort and has already helped him out. If a speech check of 35 is passed or a barter check of 25 and 100 caps are paid to Ranger Jackson, Lucky will be allowed to leave and accompany the courier.

Companion Perk: Friendly Disposition- Lucky has a smile and a ‘howdy’ for anyone, willing to listen or not. While Lucky is a companion, the player receives a bonus to speech and barter checks.

Companion Perk after Personal Quest (if made sure of violence being a solution): Sergeant Shoot First, Ask Never- Lucky’s seen the value in violence, even if it doesn’t calm the doubt in his heart. Lucky gains a higher damage threshold and deals 20% more damage.

Companion Perk after Personal Quest (if made to see that questioning his faction is fine): Hollister History- Lucky has some tricks of the past that he’s putting to use again, qualms be damned. While Lucky is a companion, the player receives a bonus in V.A.T.S accuracy and limb crippling.

Companion Comments:

Use Melee: “I might have some meat on my bones from workin’, but I don’t think that’s gonna do any good.” “You sure ‘bout that? I’m a mighty good shot, would hate to waste it.”

Use Ranged: “Time to put ol’ Betsy to work then!” “Right, was hopin’ for some target practice.”

Open inventory: “Just keep your hands off of my caravan deck and we’re all good, partner.” [if male courier] “{teasing} Sure hope you ain’t ‘bout to ask me to hold your hand.”

Stay close: “Getting awfully cozy, partner.” [if male courier] “You trying to tell me something here partner? Not that I mind, ‘course.”

Keep distance: “Aw, don’t wanna hear me yap anymore?” “If you wanted me to shut my trap you could’ve just asked.” 

Be Passive: “Hope you know this never lasts long in the Mojave, partner.” “Sure then, gives me time to clean up ol’ Betsy.”

Be Aggressive: “Won’t find me complainin’ ‘bout this!” “I’ve got your back if you’re lookin’ to start trouble.”

Wait here: “Righty-o, I’ll hold this place down tight.” [if male courier] “As long as you make sure to watch your own back, sweetheart.”

Follow me: “I was just about to finish working out some problem in my head and now you come calling?”

Sneaking: “Clever thought. Look where you’re stepping.”

“Let’s travel together”: “Its been getting dull ‘round here, I was missing the life you brought!” [if male courier] “Aw, we headed out for a date? Next you’ll be bringing me broc flowers.”

“Let’s travel together” (already have a companion): “Partner, as much as I love running ‘round with you, its getting a little crowded.”

Leaving companion at the Lucky 38: “You’re going to leave me here? Creepy robot lair with a grudge against the NCR?” 

“I wanted to ask you some questions”: “Alright, I’ve been itching for some chatter.” “Oh, we playing 20 questions?” “Ask away, nothing better than a little conversation to kill the time.”

“Tell me about yourself”: “Who, me? Sergeant Lucky Hollister, spent most of my real life dicking ‘round with broke down car parts at the Outpost. I don’t got any interesting stories, was a caravan kid and wasted time ‘til i enlisted in the NCR.”

“Tell me about yourself” post buckeye brilliance: “I just about spilled all of my guts to you already, partner. A dumb caravan kid who got caught up in some bad shit and enlisted as a last ditch effort for a future. Same old Mojave sob story as any other private.” 

“What do you think of the NCR?”: “Me? The NCR sergeant? Hell, I think they’re great, and that ain’t just the propaganda gettin’ to me. They took me in as a kid and gave me a purpose. Though I suppose they’re wrong on some standings...”

“What do you think of the Legion?”: “I didn’t just enlist to get a new life, I’ll tell you that much. Buncha reeking pigs thinkin’ that they know best, since they’ve got some baldy with a few burnt up books on their side. You know what we’ve got? Actual civilization. None of that football gear and crucifixion horseshit.”

“What do you think of the Legion?” post buckeye brilliance: “I’ve seen how they work, you know that. That shit ain’t pretty, the cult they’ve got for that Caesar. Strips away any humanity that might’ve been in those legionaries at some point. The shit they do to the kids... I’ll be the first to spit on that Caesar fuck’s grave, I’ll tell you that.”

“What do you think of Mister House?”: “A monument of the past that thinks he’s got kickin’ power in the present. The man’s got to learn that this ain’t the pre-war world that he loved and cherished if he wants to help out the Mojave in any way.”

.“What do you know about Benny?”: “Impractical as hell and just as cocky, from what I’ve heard. I’d watch my caps ‘round him if I were you.”

“What do you know about the platinum chip?”: “Pretty as hell, I’ll give it that. I don’t know a damn about what you’re supposed to do with it though. Not play poker?”

Death: “Not... Yet...” “Oh hell, is that... Blood..?”

Trivia and additional information:

Refers to a male courier with terms of endearment such as ‘sweetheart’ and ‘buttercup’ whether or not they’ve got the confirmed bachelor perk. Can be flirted with using confirmed bachelor, making Lucky suddenly bashful at the reciprocation. 

Can have either confirmed bachelor or cherchez la femme used to console him w solidarity when prodded deeper to see what his misgivings w the NCR are (beyond the political corruption, he’ll talk abt how its not all that accepting and him+one of his buddies at the mojave outpost (knight, although he wont out the major) dont agree w it)

Will comment on Boone’s presence if near him as a companion or not (”Well damn! Its a fine pleasure seeing a 1st Recon out here!” “Thank you kindly for all you’ve done, sir. Always got an eye in the sky on our boys because of you.”)

Comments on too high of a reputation with the legion w concern, warning the courier to not get too pulled into things and that its like quicksand (hinting at his buckeye brilliance quest, afterwards he will express more outwards disapproval). 

Will make comments when entering NCR areas such as McCarran or Forlorn hope specific to those areas.

Will warn the courier if he sees them killing NCR soldiers that he won’t stand for it. If the courier continues or gets a low enough reputation with the NCR, Lucky will become hostile.

Wears NCR mantle armor and a rawhide cowboy hat for armor (can wear armor besides his NCR uniform, but not other faction uniforms).

Wields a service rifle and combat knife as his weapons.

Unmarked Quest: Lonely Mojave Knights

This unmarked quest starts when a courier uses Confirmed Bachelor on any character besides Major Knight while Lucky is a companion, or Cherchez La Femme. When dialogue is initiated with him, he makes a joke of them sharing at least one thing besides cooking under the sun in common and then sobers up to mention how he wishes the NCR was as accepting as the rest of the wasteland. When he says that him and one of his friends at the Outpost feel the same, the courier can guess who it is (narrowing it down to Knight with a comment of ‘We always flock together’, if they had seen Lucky with Knight before recruited without the need for any other guessing), until they have to pass a speech check of 20 to tell he is lying when he says it isn’t Knight. 

Lucky mentions how Knight deserves something for his hard work at the Outpost, leaving the courier to offer the suggestion of seeing if they could get him stationed at Vegas for a little bit. If this is taken, the courier must speak with Ranger Jackson and pass a speech check of 25 to get him to agree to Knight’s stationing before they got to speak to him. Knight, surprised by this, thanks the courier and Lucky and will be stationed at Vegas (often standing around with Billy Knight or in the Tops) for a full seven days. As thanks, Lucky will grant the courier the permanent Desert Solidarity perk, increasing the nerve and damage (10% more) of companions of the same gender.

Personal Quest- Buckeye Brilliance

Quest Triggers: Similar to Boone’s own personal quest, there’s actions that can be taken to earn points with Lucky that will go towards triggering his personal quest. Three of these need to be amassed. 

Convince Corporal Betsy to seek the help she needs. +1 point, Lucky will initiate dialogue where he praises the courier’s caring nature and willingness to help out someone they didn’t know much about.

Complete the quest ‘No, Not Much’. +2 points, Lucky will initiate dialogue where he compliments the courier on their willingness to help the camp despite the bad history that has gone down there.

Complete ‘I Forgot to Remember to Forget’, Lucky does not need to be an active companion. +2 points, the next time Lucky is chosen to be an active companion he will initiate dialogue thanking the courier for their actions and that, despite not knowing Boone real well himself, he’s glad they did that for the sniper. +3 points if the courier convinces Boone to make amends with his past. 

Complete any Mojave Outpost quest. +1 point, Lucky will initiate dialogue thanking the courier for looking out for where he was stationed.

After these three points are earned, Lucky will wait a full 24 hours before initiating dialogue with the courier (neutral or good karma is required as well, he will not initiate the dialogue with an evil courier and instead remain silent until a higher karma is achieved). He compliments them on their caring nature that he’s seen while travelling with them, as well as their willingness to look past the bad to see the good in people. 

Quest Description: Lucky requests that the courier comes with him to an outpost in the middle of nowhere, not specifying who’s there or for what reason besides that he wants to talk to them about his past there. The courier can refuse to do so on the grounds of being busy, causing Lucky to not mention it until another full 24 hours later. If the quest is put off three times, Lucky will comment on how it seems the courier doesn’t have time for much of anything and drop the subject. This will result in the quest being failed. 

If the courier agrees to listen to Lucky, he will mark the outpost, titled ‘Lucky’s Lookout’, on their map and admit that isn’t the real name of the outpost. The quest maker itself leads to a hill a small distance away from Lucky’s Lookout, not the outpost itself, and the courier must go there to further the quest.

Built in a defensive position covered by the nearby hills (sort of like the gully where there’s a bunch of radscorpions, cannot remember the name of it), it is impossible to clearly distinguish what type of outpost it is until the courier crests the hill that the quest marker is on. Lucky allows the courier a few moments of looking upon the legion camp, complete with a few crucifixes and a bonfire (he gives them binoculars wordlessly, adding them to the courier’s inventory), before starting to speak without initiating dialogue. 

Lucky: “Not the place you were expectin’, is it? It ain’t pretty. Brings up a whole lot of bad memories, I’ll tell you that.”

(Here, he will initiate dialogue with the courier)

Lucky: “I told you I enlisted with the NCR to get a new start, didn’t I? The wording might not be right, but the statement is. You’re looking at the old start right now.”

The courier is given options to question what Lucky means, leading to him revealing that, as a teenager, he ran from his family because of his shitty father and ended up stumbling directly into a legion patrol. Because of his attitude and determination (pointing the pistol he had managed to smuggle with him at one of the patrol without backing down when threatened), he was taken in. Lucky tells of how this all happened near where he was born, Buckeye, Arizona, and that he would’ve stayed there most likely if the conflict between the NCR and the Legion hadn’t started. 

He was trained how to be a legionnaire and sent off to the outpost he had led the courier to with a few conflicts already under his belt. Despite his older than typical age those stationed there saw a chance to use him as they would a child (like the child used against Ranger Andy). Lucky was sent, dressed in scavenger clothing, to where it was known there was a small patrol of NCR soldiers and tasked with leading them into an ambush through deceit and lying. Instead, he spilled out the truth to the first soldier he came across, one Captain Wallace (who can be found at the NCR checkpoint near Nelson and will comment on the presence of Lucky if he is a companion), and was taken in for questioning. 

Because of Captain Wallace standing up for him, Lucky was let off of an execution after telling all he could about the Legion. It was Wallace who extended the offer of enlistment and a new future to Lucky (while not mentioned by Lucky, speaking with Wallace shows that he acted much like a father figure to the young man as he settled into the NCR and his comments to Lucky when encountered show that).

After telling his story, Lucky will remain silent for a moment before saying that he’s been wanting to tell someone that for a while now and that he appreciates the courier’s listening. More questions can be asked to clarify parts of the story (such as his age, what he had done before being sent away from Buckeye, what it was like as a caravan kid), before the end of dialogue is met with a choice. Lucky will state that he feels as if he isn’t truly worthy of his rank or position in the NCR since he was Legion for a little whiles. While he wants to believe in the NCR, there are things that he disagrees with and that makes him think that the Legion had a bigger impact on him than he thought. 

Outcomes: The courier can either suggest that, since they’re already there, that the two of them might as well get some good old fashioned revenge. They brush off his concerns with stating that all he really needs is to kill off the bad of his past. Or, they can instead console him on his past and tell him that the NCR and the Legion isn’t a black and white issue, and that he’s just seeing the grey of what he’s aligned himself with. 

If the choice to lead to the slaughter of the outpost is made, Lucky will afterwards thank the courier for listening to him and his story. Although, he will comment that the blood and death didn’t make him feel that much better. The courier can either assure him that enough of it will, or brush it off. Either choice will lead to the same end of him becoming resolute in violence being the solution to complicated troubles and will earn the Sergeant Shoot First, Ask Never perk for himself.

If the choice to console him is made, Lucky will agree with the courier and say that he’s got a lot of thinking to do. This makes him more introspective of his past and his current alignments, earning him the Hollister History perk.

Endings

Convincing Lucky to be critical of the NCR [Eureka!]: As his fellow soldiers celebrated and tossed their covers in the air over the defeat of the Legion, lone sergeant Hollister harbored doubt in his heart and a burning in his gut. As the Republic established a firmer grip in the Mojave, Lucky slipped off from his post unnoticed and unremembered, disappearing into the heart of the desert.

Convincing Lucky that violence is a solution [Eureka!]: The NCR celebrated, and Lucky celebrated right alongside them. He redoubled his efforts to bring something special and new to the Republic that had taken him under his wing, seen by the men of his Outpost with a cheerful smile as he headed out for scrap that wasn’t so readily available. The sergeant was not seen again.

Convincing Lucky to be critical of the NCR [No Gods, No Masters]: The withdrawal of the NCR was a bitter thing to celebrate, but celebrate the ex-sergeant did. He never reported back to his commanding officer after the Battle of Hoover Dam, instead finding an unexpected joy in Freeside as a repairman. His days of soldiering and battle were put behind him.

Convincing Lucky that violence is a solution [No Gods, No Master OR All or Nothing]: Where others were celebrating, sergeant Lucky Hollister was polishing up his gun with a bitter burning. When he had pledged his allegiance to the courier, it was without thought. As the NCR began to trickle away, a new mercenary joined the streets of Freeside. 

Convincing Lucky to be critical of the NCR [Vendi, Vidi, Vici]: More a talker and tinkerer than an actual soldier, Lucky was left without much choice in the ruling state of the Legion than to call upon his past roots within. He remembered the codes of conduct and complexities of Buckeye, using his knowledge to get with a Legion caravan as a guard despite the dislike he carried still.

Convincing Lucky that violence is a solution [Vendi, Vidi, Vici]: While Lucky had reached the rank of sergeant through flukes and luck, he still had the knowledge of how to shoot and maintain a gun. Still wearing the NCR armor that had been his pride and joy, the man took up a short lived yet deadly campaign against the Legion. Striking from shadows with jury rigged silencers and living off of the lands, he eventually pawned off all but one of his bullets to afford as much whiskey as he could, and did the only thing that he thought could free him.

Lucky dies: No number of good natured smiles and polite greetings could keep the Mojave from chewing up and spitting out Lucky. He was quickly forgotten, not even a footnote in the history of the NCR despite the dreams he had carried for it.