#like i am aware this is 100% internalised trans & homophobia

[the-emotional-equilibrium]

Relief.

I hate that my instant solution to hating myself is suicide. Considering it as a genuine option is the only way to make myself feel better. I also hate that I’m so stubborn with myself. I know where I am right now, I’m back where I was when I was 15 and I know how it ends, yet I’m still doing all I can to resist it. When I was 15 I was essentially overwhelmed by how wrong all my feelings were. The idea of being with guys scared the shit out of me and there was no way I could ever see me being comfortable with it, but with girls there was just something else there. This was something I’d been aware of since I was about 8 to be honest, but it was at 15 that it really crept up on me and started to bother me. I tried everything to make it go away; every justification and lie and deal I could make with myself about “you can crush on girls but you just can’t date them” and then “you can date them but you have to marry a man” and so on. It wasn’t even what people would think of me that bothered me the most, it was just pure internalised homophobia that meant total disgust for myself. It wasn’t the person I imagined myself to grow up as so I fought it with everything I had in me. Then one day, a year and a bit later, I turned around to myself and just bluntly asked myself “what would be so wrong with being gay?”. And I couldn’t answer it; I’d stumped myself. So that was the moment I very slowly started to be who I am and accept myself. When I say slowly, I mean painfully slowly, but I’ve come a long way. So that should be it shouldn’t it? I stood up to myself and started to get over the 8 year long internal battle. But it’s back. The feeling is so familiar and I hate myself for it. I’ve accepted that I’m not a girl and I identify as non binary but it isn’t always enough. I can feel myself back there again, with all the justifications and lies I’m telling myself. “When you look at boys you don’t automatically always see yourself, so you cant be a trans guy” “Being a transguy would be painful, you dont want that” “Stop thinking about it, you want kids.” “You like your body how it is, why would you want to ruin it”. It goes on and on and on. Every day the thoughts are there and every day I convince myself I’m not a transguy. Because I genuinly dont feel like one 100% of the time, sometimes I’m almost entirely female. But then why are those thoughts about going on T and completely transitioning still there? Why can’t I make them go away? It’s almost as if I’m being stubborn and fighting the inevitable all over again. But this time I’m not sure I can do it. The internalised transphobia I have is bad enough with my current non binary label. To ask myself to overcome it to the point I would change my body just doesn’t seem possible. So you know what I did just now? I asked myself “What am I going to do if I can’t fight it anymore? What happens if these thoughts don’t leave me alone?” And you know what my brain said? It said “You can always commit suicide.” And I said “okay.” And I felt nothing but relief.