#like he clearly doesn't need to be desiccating the animal

[argetcross]

Thinking about how Astarion would be a great hunter/butcher's companion... Like you have to bleed the meat of animals anyway before it's human edible, so why not avoid waste and give it to him? Just don't suck down all the liquid and moisture in the carcass, my dude. You don't need to drink the cellular water out of the muscle fibers or, god forbid, eat the raw fat. Leave some of that in for the steak not to taste like leather.

[kneecapandribcageinverter]

"LICH!"

"Yes?"

"So you ADMIT you're a lich!"

"No, that's my name. It's short for Lichard."

"It says right here," says the inquisitor, holding out a document of some kind, "that your name is Al'thezor the Terrible."

"Al'thezor is my middle name I use more often than my first name. To avoid being confused with my uncle, who was also named Lichard."

"And your uncle, what was his middle name?"

"Althezor. Without the apostrophe."

"And your last name?"

"The Terrible."

"Your last name is "the Terrible."

"Yes. With a space in the middle."

"And you swear there is no relation to the Lich King Al'thezor the Terrible who secretly murdered the emperor and animated his taxidermed remains as a puppet to take over the empire, pass strict laws with capital punishments for a plentiful supply of corpses that didn't need to be fought for?"

"No relation."

"Funny thing, when his scheme was discovered, he declared that our security was so bad that he could probably disguise himself as a monk without even hiding his undead form and get away with it, and that he would do so just to prove how stupid we are for exactly five thousand years before laying waste to our nation. The five thousandth year since that day approaching in exactly three weeks."

"Yup, that sure is a funny coincidence! Anyway, back to work."

"You're the lich."

"No."

"I- just look at your body! Your flesh is all... withered and stuff!"

"I have a skin condition."

"Your bones are exposed in multiple places!"

"It's a really bad skin condition."

"Your left hand is entirely skeletal, with no flesh keeping it attatched to your arm! The only way for it to move is with dark magic!"

"It's a magical prosthetic."

"A magical prosthetic!?"

"Yes."

"It doesn't look like a prosthetic, it looks like bones."

"That's because it is. I figured, hey, my hand is gone, might as well do something with it. Got an artificer to enchant my hand bones with golem magic."

"Golem magic!? It's clearly necromancy! I can even see the... wafting vapors of dark magical... stuff!"

"Wafting vapors of dark magical stuff. Clearly the words of someone who knows what he's talking about."

"Do not mock me!"

"You mock yourself and the entirety of the inquisition by bothering me without just cause."

"Oh, I do so have just cause! We have records of you living at this monastery dating back several generations!"

"Those are my uncles. And great uncles. And great-great uncles. And-"

"ENOUGH GREATS! You grate on my nerves, abomination! There are very few records of death for any of your so-called uncles, the gaps between them longer than any mortal lifespan, and never of natural causes!"

"It was Fraud."

"So you admit you've committed fraud!"

"No, it's our family's pet rat, Fraud." the monk withdrew a shrivelled up, mummylike creature that might have been a rat once out of his pocket. "He likes to eat paper."

"A rat!? A rat that is clearly a zombie rat, making you a necromancer!?"

"He has a skin condition."

"Rats don't even live that long!"

"This one does."

"How!?"

"Magic."

"What kind of magic?"

"The kind that keeps rats alive for a long time."

"The only magic I know of that does that is NECROMANCY. You are a NECROMANCER. And a LICH who is doing a BAD JOB pretending NOT to be a LICH."

"No. I'm a humble monk in a humble monastery with a humble pet rat named Fraud."

"YOU are a LICH with an UNDEAD ANIMAL THRALL. Just look at it! Just look at you!" The inquisitor waved its hands about at the desiccated corpses with immense frustration. "You're undead!"

"No. I thought I explained. We have a skin condition."

"You did explain! You explained falsely! You lied! You don't have a skin condition, your rat doesn't have a skin condition, you are undead! You are undead, and you have comitted fraud! You're fraudsters!"

"No, only the rat is Fraudster."

"You said his name was Fraud?"

"It's a nickname. Fraud is short for Fraudster."

"Enough word games! I know you're a lich! I have centuries of evidence compiled!"

"Centuries?"

"Centuries."

"How could you stack up evidence for centuries... if you weren't... undead?"

"What!? How dare you-"

"BROTHERS!" called the lich. "This inquisitor is secretly an undead!" The other monks of the monastery rushed to the scene.

"NO! You fools, don't trust him! He's an abomination, just look at him!" They looked at him.

"That's a bit rude. He just has a skin condition," remarked one of the brothers of the monastery.

"HE'S! UN! DEAD!"

"No he's not. He's our brother Lichard. He's a monk."

"He's a LICH, disguised as a monk!"

"We're terribly sorry, brother Lichard, that you've had to endure this monster's attempts to slander you. If we had known of his nature sooner, we could have intervened to stop his vile attacks on your character."

"I am NOT undead! He's undead!"

"You must be undead, you just admitted to collecting centuries of evidence!"

"No, you fools! I wasn't alive back then, I just looked at evidence from those times!"

"HAH! So you ADMIT you're not alive!" said Al'thezor. The crowd of monks murmured in astonishment.

"He looks so lifelike," said one.

"A clever trick," remarked another. "He must be a vampire!"

"Are you even listening to yourselves!?" cried the frustrated inquisitor. "I'm literally standing in the sunlight!"

"Hm. Convenient."

"Suspiciously convenient. We'll have to give him the test." The monks rushed over and grabbed him by the arms and legs.

"WHAT are you DOING! LET ME GO, YOU MANIACS! I AM AN INQUISITOR OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF-"

"We won't fall for your tricks, vampire! Take him to the basin, that will prove his guilt!"

"You're going to take me to the wha-" before the Inquisitor could understand what was going on, the monks carried him to a basin of holy water.

"Push his face in!"

"Shrivel before the grace of God!"

"You maniacs, do you intend to drown me? I'll have you know that my family- blublblubloblub." whatever the inquisitor wanted to say next was interrupted as his face was shoved underwater.

"Do you confess?"

"Do I- NO! I'm not a- BLBMBLULBUBLUBULULUBUB!"

"CONFESS!"

"STOP IT! STOP DOING THAT ALREADY!"

"The vampire can't stand contact with holy water! This proves it!"

"STAKE HIM! STAKE HIM! STAKE HIM! STAKE HIM!"

~~~

"Lichard, is it?"

"It is."

"You have done this empire a great service by unmasking and executing the vampire that had infiltrated the inquisition. I shudder to think of what would have come to pass if that... wicked creature, had managed to run rampant. As the emperor of this land, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If there is anything... and I mean anything I may do to repay you, please, let me know."

Lichard's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Did... did your jaw fall off? Are you undead?"

"No, no. It's just a skin condition," said Lichard, reattatching his jaw.

"Ah, that makes sense. I'm sorry to hear about that. It looks painful."

"Anyway, regarding my payment... I am a humble servant of God, and all I ask is more opportunities to do my holy work. I implore you, grant me the aid necessary to act as a missionary to disaster-stricken areas with mass casualties, so that I may... end their pain."

"A pious man indeed. You shall have your wish. God be with you, Lichard, you wonderful, wonderful man."

The inquisitor is stumped. Despite all they have investigated, everything seems to indicate that the lich they've been tailing is a genuinely pious monk, and has been for as long as written history existed in the region. Fed up, they decide to confront him about it.