#like even aside from all of the logistical reasons why she's totally not to blame

[agnosticblowjob]

HONESTLy

[cogentranting]

Sharon acted as sort of the voice of Sam’s disillusionment in this episode. Or maybe as one end of the spectrum of disillusionment and belief that Sam is struggling on. She’s the voice in Sam’s ear saying “it’s all a lie, it’s all fake, don’t believe in any of it, just look out for yourself. The hero thing is garbage.” (and for the record, I totally get why that’s where she’s at right now. I don’t blame her but it’s also clear that she’s very bitter at the moment). 

Sam’s certainly not as far down that spectrum as Sharon is, but she manages to pull him that way, if not by what she says than by her situation, the way she got screwed over. And he has plenty of reason for that same disillusionment and bitterness. A lot of Sam’s role in this episode was also as an observer. Not that he was a passive character, but his character arc for the episode mainly had him watching-- seeing the inner workings of Zemo, seeing Sharon’s new mercenary lifestyle, seeing the criminal underworld, seeing Bucky’s role in all that, seeing people do things that are shady at best terrible at worst because they feel those things are necessary. It’s not that Sam is naïve but he’s never been IN that world before and with the way his perspective is shifting because of the way he’s being shoved aside and rejected in his life, hearing Isaiah’s story,  and seeing how someone like Sharon who was heroic gets abandoned to this life (or even how Bucky was-- this episode paints a pretty clear trajectory of the Howling Commando, Cap’s right hand being turned into a “pet psychopath” being traded around the criminal underworld) -- after all that Sam’s perspective has shifted and seeing this world is affecting him more than it might have at another point in his life. That’s why by the end of the episode we see a major change in Sam’s position. He suggests that instead of putting the Shield in the museum he should have destroyed it. And if we’re just talking about the Shield as an object that’s not a terrible idea (logistical issues aside)-- it’s just a piece of metal, and by destroying it he would have prevented, or at least made it more difficult, someone like Walker from coming in and using it as a status symbol. But the Shield in this show is never just an object. By placing the Shield in the museum, Sam took a position that Steve’s legacy, the things he stood for and fought for, were to be admired and looked to as an example, but that no one could/should take on that mantle to continue that. I don’t really have the space here to parse out all the ideological implications of that, or the myriad of reasons why Sam took the stance, but plenty of other people have and that’s not really my point. My point is that destroying the Shield is an entirely different stance. Destroying the Shield, indicates a loss of faith in the very things that the Shield stands for. It’s a statement that the legacy the Shield represents, the things Steve represented, stood for and fought for, are either ultimately hollow and worthless (as Sharon currently believes) or are something that is actively dangerous to believe in or preserve (as Zemo believes).  Sam doesn’t fully believe either of these things. I think he made the comment about destroying the Shield as reaction to everything going on around him, sort of lashing out. In that moment, given the opportunity, I don’t think he would have gone through with it. But he’s on the edge of that point. 

However, where we have Sharon and Zemo on one side of that Spectrum, in Sam’s ear, in this episode Bucky was on the other side of that spectrum. Bucky is the one still defending the need for someone to take up the Shield. And both Zemo and Sharon used him as an example of the idealism that they are so against-- Sharon when she says to Bucky “Please, you buy into all that stars and stripes crap. ... You were Mr. America! Cap’s best friend!” and Zemo when they’re on the plane and he talks about Bucky’s role in WWII. This is interesting because Bucky is being positioned as the balance against Zemo and Sharon’s cynicism, but Bucky isn’t normally what you’d think of as an optimistic character. 

But Bucky is in that position in this debate. He even goes so far as to say that before Sam destroys it, he would take up the Shield himself. That’s an interesting position for Bucky to take because he hasn’t expressed any interest or even any thought of something like that before. He’s certainly not placing himself in front of Sam in his estimation of who deserves the Shield (just in front of Walker), and I think his ideal is still for Sam to take the Shield. I’m might even go so far to say that Bucky views taking on the Shield himself as a last resort-- he doesn’t want it but he believes so strongly in the need for someone to uphold that legacy that he would do it himself if it meant keeping it going and keeping it out of the hands of someone like Walker. Bucky isn’t good at expressing what that Shield means to him but it means a lot. 

I think that the reason why Bucky believes in the Shield and its importance more than anyone else is going to be central to why Sam eventually takes on the Shield, if Bucky can ever manage to actually express that reason. I know there will be arguments that the reason Bucky believes in it is because he doesn’t understand all the reasons that Sam (and somewhat Sharon) has to not believe in. He’s not a black man. He doesn’t experience that racism. And that’s true in part. He knows that the racism is there, but he has a lot he needs to learn about what that actually means for Sam. But I don’t think it’s some starry-eyed, rose-colored view of America that Bucky has faith in. Bucky’s own story is not free from the influence of the worst side of America. You could make an argument about the way that he’s treated as a veteran, or the way he was hunted in Civil War, or the way he’s controlled now. But at the most basic level, Bucky worked for Hydra for decades and saw the worst side of political machinations. And yes, Hydra is a separate thing because it is a fictional blatantly evil organization. But if we’re looking at the symbolic side of the Shield we have to look at the symbolic side of Hydra as well. The point of Winter Soldier was not “oh there are spies sneaking into the government to get us”, it was that the actual members were corrupt, that there was rot in the institutions. So when looking at the actual meaning behind Hydra, Bucky was both a victim of and an instrument of the very worst parts of the American government and institutions. So no, Bucky does not share or fully understand Sam’s experiences or the obstacles he faces. But it’s also not true that Bucky’s faith in the Shield is the result of naivety or ignorance. 

The story of this show is going to focus on the ways that Sam and Bucky help each other grow. I think that the way that Bucky is going to help Sam is through his perspective on what the Shield means. In the First Avenger Bucky says that he’s not following Captain America, he’s following “The little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight”. And that ties into what the Shield actually means. It represents the ideals that Steve embodied. And I think where they’re headed is to a realignment of the view of the Shield. The mantle isn’t about Captain America representing the best of what America is. It’s not even about representing the best of what America could be. It’s not about representing or reflecting America at all. The Captain America mantle is an example for America (and anyone else)-- something for America to look at and reflect, not the other way around. By taking on the mantle, who ever Captain America is can embody these virtues (that Steve had, that Sam has) in a way that people can rally behind, and he can be someone who protects, and reflects, and gives hope to the individuals that are in America. 

I’m not expressing it very well. But I think Bucky, by virtue of being there from the beginning, has some grasp of the distinction between the Shield as a symbol of nationalism or even patriotism, and the Shield as a a representation of something greater. Or even the distinction between the Shield as representation of America in its government and institutions, and the Shield as representation America as the individuals within it. We’re going to get to the core of what the legacy that Steve left actually is and  the question of how does Sam take that on, and make it true to his own experience and make it worthwhile to become that. And I think Bucky has the faith in that legacy (and the faith in Sam) that is needed to begin that journey. 

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Man: Life Story #4 Thoughts Part 2: Broken Ben, bits and bobs

Let’s move back to Ben Reilly.

Nitpick: why is he wearing glasses?

His spider powers mitigate the need for glasses.

Peter doesn’t wear glasses. Is staring at photos in a dark room really going to diminish your super enhanced eyesight so much more than lab work, reading business documents and getting punched in the face by bad guys?

A more serious problem though is Ben’s characterization.

Putting aside the photographer thing Ben goes absolutely nuts when he finds out he’s the real Peter Parker. Peter meanwhile is more calm.

The context here is seriously different to the 1990s Clone Saga but does that add up with the differences in how it plays out?

In the 1990s Clone Saga, Peter had recently lost Aunt May, recently recovered from a mental breakdown but ever since had been put under extreme pressures and mental anguish, the reveal he was a fake also hit him hard because it meant potential genetic ailments for his unborn child and the possibility his wife would reject him as a freak. He flipped out...hard.

Here, the clones haven’t been established to regard themselves as lesser than the real people. Peter initially regards them as such yes, thus you’d imagine that would extend to Ben. But Gwen more or less seems to sort of see herself as real even if she isn’t Gwen Stacy.

Peter also lacks the mental fragility or issues his 1990s counterpart had.

Ben in the 1990s Clone Saga though was comparatively mentally healthier and he also flipped out but less so than Peter. When he first realizes he was a clone back in the 1970s though Ben nearly contemplated suicide.

So within the context of these changes I don’t think Ben and Peter’s change in reactions is out of character.

However it doesn’t really reflect well on Ben as a character that the scene where he talks the most so far and is defined the most as a character has him flying out of control, trying to beat Doc Ock to death and irrationally blaming him for stealing his life when Otto had nothing to do with it.

It also doesn’t help that within the span of four pages he goes from out of control irrational violence to saying ‘oh no how could I commit murder I’m Peter Parker’ (whilst being held back from continuing to beat Otto) to then diving out of a broken window (without web-shooters) screaming Otto is a murderer.

It doesn’t leave you with a positive impression of the character at all, it makes him look unstable and not a great choice to adopt the mantle of Spider-Man.

I also wondered briefly if Peter catching Ben by the foot after he fell/committed suicide maybe (?) had killed him like it killed Gwen. I guess when you have spider powers physics don’t apply to you.

Oh one more thing related to Ben Reilly, and it’s about the fact that he’s revealed as the real Peter Parker.

It’s just a teeny tiny thing you know, really more of a nitpick hardly worth menti- WHY WOULD ANYONE BELIEVE THAT!

Look at the logistics of this for a moment.

Warren switched out Gwen for Helen, probably before her wedding. As the ‘father of the bride’ and her boss he’d have had private access to her so a switch makes sense.

When the fuck could he have possibly done this with Peter?

Nowhere in this comic was anyone implied to be able to bypass the spider sense at all. So how the Hell was an old man like Warren supposed to switch Peter and his clone without Peter or Ben realizing; back when Peter was in the prime of his powers btw?

Wouldn’t there be gaps in their memories????

I know, I know, I know Warren never did do this. But Ben and Otto BELIEVE he did.

Why?

Is Ben not simply coming off as insane in this story but supposed to actually be nuts because you could figure out that this is obviously not true with ease. In the canon Clone Sagas it made sense because Peter and Ben both remembered being knocked out then woke up repeating one another’s dialogue.

What’s worse is that Ben flips out over the word of Doctor Octopus!

In the Clone Saga Peter and Ben perform the tests themselves repeatedly and that’s how they come to the conclusion Peter is the clone.

Here Ben Reilly goes nuts because the elderly delusional nut job super villain claims he just read some data that confirms Ben as the Real McCoy.

Why would you believe that immediately???????????????????????

Okay sure, later on Peter and Ben do double check things and confirm the results but nevertheless Ben flips out big time on the trustworthy word of Doc Ock!

Now let’s talk now about Ben’s wife Helen Parker and/or Reil-

...Wait a minute...

*searches every page of LF #4*

...She...she’s not....she’s not in the issue...she’s not even mentioned!

What in the actual fuck Zdarsky!

You introduce the clone of Gwen Stacy in a remix of the 1970s Clone Saga, then when you come to remix the 1990s Clone Saga where she was prominently featured...you ignore her?

Worse you don’t even mention her!?

Peter doesn’t even ask  after her, his ex-wife????????

She gets mentioned on the recap page but we know nothing of where she is.

Last we checked she was posing as Ben’s wife and/or relative. What the Hell happened you can’t ignore that, she’s conspicuous via her absence!

Sigh...let’s talk about the Osborns.

They were handled better. Arguably they were the best/least shitty aspects of this comic (sans the standard stratospheric artwork).

Harry dies saving Peter, remixing Spec #200. Okay that’s not too bad even though the context is totally different.

Then Norman dies of a heart attack after trying to spite Peter one last time and after learning Harry is dead.

Now one nice touch in the issue is a bait and switch where you think Peter is having Ben followed but really it’s Norman Osborn. Didn’t see that coming so well done there.

Norman is also mostly in character because he’s spiteful and hateful till the end, but displays a genuine albeit twisted love for his son.

His role in trying to trick Peter into thinking he’s the clone is rather at odds with canon though and far less dramatic. In canon Norman always planned to trick Peter this way but put the plan in motion in response to Harry’s death as revenge. Here it’s just a pathetic last ditch attempt to spite Peter.

Now granted maybe that was the point. For the plan to totally backfire on Norman and showcase him as the sad pathetic old man he is. If that’s so then okay, well done I guess as a remixing of canon, along with the fact that you kill off Norman in the era he actually came back to life in canon.

His characterization gets wonky in some places though.

He says ‘He drove me to it. He’s always in my head.’

It’s not clear who Norman is talking about. The long shot is Peter which would make sense. It might be the Goblin because some interpretations paint the Goblin as another personality, but that’s against canon and this series never implied that. the dialogue though seems to more directly imply he means Harry which...huh? Doesn’t add up at all that one.

We also have a lingering problem from issue #2, re-emphasised in this issue.

Apparently Norman served out his sentence (really, he didn’t get life for his crimes, okay) and is sour Peter in issue #2 screwed up his escape plan.

Re-read my thoughts on issue #2 for more details on why this is a problem but in a nutshell:

a)      If Norman has access to his money, resources and knowledge of Peter’s identity then he had multiple ways to plan an escape. In the very well known Marvel Knights: Spider-Man Norman kidnaps May and blackmails Peter into freeing him from prison, a plan he mapped out very soon after discovering Peter’s identity. There is no reason given in LF why he wouldn’t do something like this

b)      His escape plan in issue #2 made absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

 A final potential problem with Norman in this issue is that if everyone knows who he is and he’s desperate to get back at Peter somehow, even maybe letting Doc Ock kill them...why doesn’t he just reveal his identity to the public!

In canon Norman kept that secret because HE wanted to kill Spidey alone and/or because exposing Spidey meant exposing himself too.

In this context though he’s already exposed and he isn’t going to be destroying Spidey directly at all. So why not just reveal his identity to the world?

P.S. According to Norman Harry owns stock in Parker Industries but didn’t he give all his money to MJ?

[nallaahgony-is]

Caring for his Nalla

Nalla:

Well, trying to get some work done had seemed like a good idea back in our suite, but I’d stalled out as soon as I got to Uncle Wrath’s office and sat at my desk. Now I’m just sitting here staring off into space with thoughts of last night whirling through my head. All the blood and pain and death I’d seen down in the clinic. I was also thinking of those who hadn’t made it home. I wasn’t really thinking of the logistics of it right now, the Fade ceremonies and wills and such- though goodness knows we had all that to deal with, which is the reason I’d come here right now. Try to work, get a head start on it. I was thinking more of those left behind. My cousins- Bitty had just lost her hellren, Madahlena and Alyne their father. I thought of my mahmen breaking down in my dad’s arms when he told us about Uncle Rehv. I think I’m most worried about Aunt Ehlena, though. Not only does she have to mourn her hellren, she still has to work in the clinic- still overloaded with patients after the rescue mission. Not to mention being there for her young, and worrying about Maddy taking over the symphath throne. (and how weird was it to think that my baby cousin is now a queen? I mean, we all knew it would happen eventually, but it was the kind of thing you assume would happen in some far distant, almost unimaginable future. And now it’s here.) Then there was Blay, Novo, and everyone else….

I don’t know how long I sat there, all these thoughts on an endless skipping loop, but I suddenly realize that I’m not alone. I jump in my seat when someone touches my hair, and turn to see LW kneeling by my chair. Unable to think of anything to say, I just wrap my arms around his neck and hold on. He scoops me up out of the chair and carries me over to the sofa. He settles me on his lap and strokes my back as he murmurs to me. Laying my head on his shoulder and cuddling close, I hear his words as he repeats them over and over again. He’s got me- well, he always has. We’ve always loved each other and had each other’s backs, all our lives and well before we realized that we were actually in love. Feeling him there, his strength and support, I finally let the tears come. Tears I hadn’t allowed myself to shed while helping in the clinic and had been too tired afterwards to shed.

I have no idea how long we sat there, but my tears finally slowed, and I sniffled as I wiped my eyes and turned my face into my hellren’s chest. I feel him kiss my hair, then hear. “C’mon leelan, let’s get you back to bed now.” He stands up, and I find myself being carried down the hall back towards our suite. LW tucks me back into bed and lays down beside me, wrapping his arms around me as I snuggle close and lay my head on his chest. Worn out from the long night, crying jag, and my emotions, I soon feel myself falling into an uneasy sleep*

LW: It had been a long night and even longer day. Holding his shellan hadn’t chased his dreams away and every time the dreams woke him up, he could feel how restless she was too. Fed up with fighting sleep, LW eased out of bed and checked the clock. It was just about time for first meal anyway. He left Nalla sleeping with a kiss to her forehead and meandered down to the kitchen to prepare something for her. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten. Had it been before the raid? Whatever the case was, it had to have been hours. LW set up camp in the kitchen, shooing off the relentless doggen who offered time and time again to serve him. He needed something to do and feeding his shellan gave him purpose. It was a simple breakfast, pancakes, eggs and bacon, paired with some fresh fruits. He took his time picking out only the choicest pieces for his sleeping shellan. When LW had the tray arranged just so, he made his way back upstairs with the food for her.

Nalla:

*When I wake up again, I’m alone in the bed. I sit up and look around. Yep, totally alone. LW is nowhere in the suite. I wonder what he’s doing- Probably checking on the fighters who are still in the clinic. I lay back down and wonder what I should do. Look for LW? Go visit mahmen, or Aunt Ehlena, Maddy, and Al? Go try yet again to get some work done? I suppose I could just stay in bed and wallow for a while- no one would blame anyone who chose to do so right now. But that’s never really been my style. Then my stomach rumbles- wait, when was the last time I ate? I know I haven’t had any food since the Brothers and fighters got back from the rescue mission…. No, hang on, it’s been longer than that. I didn’t eat at all while they were gone either. Too nerve wracked. First Meal, right before that big meeting in Uncle Wrath’s office? Yes, that was it. And no wonder I was getting hungry again- that was nearly 24 hours ago! And as for feeding, I can’t even remember for sure when I last took my hellren’s vein. But forget that. He may not have been that badly injured during the mission, but he needs that blood more than I do right now. I can wait a bit, till things calm down some and I know he’s 100%. Till then I won’t even mention feeding- well actually, no. I will. I should get him to feed to be sure he’s healing properly, but I won’t feed myself just yet. I lift my head as I hear the hall door open, and in comes the male himself, carrying a tray. I give him a little smile and prop myself up on my elbow as he kicks the door shut softly behind him* Well, now. What’s all this, nallum? It smells wonderful!

LW: He smiled at the sight of her in their mated bed. He would never tire of the sight of her curled up under the covers -- especially since she was wrapped up in one of his shirts and a pair of sweatpants. His Leelan didn't need fancy clothes to look utterly irresistible. But after nearly a century of watching her, he could tell that something was still off. As he approached the bed, he racked his brain to see if he could remember anything out of the usual for them. The more he thought, the more horrified he became with himself. He could remember the last time he’d fed from her vein, nearly 48 hours before, yet he couldn't name the last time he had offered her his vein. It explained why she seemed paler than usual and he could see a slight tremor in the arm she was holding herself up with. “I brought breakfast. Thank the Scribe Mahmen taught me how to cook.” He chuckled, leaning down to kiss her lips. Before she went anywhere today, she would be feeding from him. Deepening the kiss, he licked at her fangs, coaxing them out. Letting out a soft growl, he rumbled, “Is my shellan hungry?” He released her mouth and moved to lift a strawberry to her lips.

Nalla:

*I grin as LW comes over to the bed and sets the tray down, remembering all the cooking lessons Auntie Beth had given us both, along with Bitty, Aggie and Rhamp. Much to Fritz’s extreme dismay, of course. But I also catch the determined look in his eyes as he leans in for a kiss. He’s made up his mind about something- and Scribe knows that mine hellren can be immovable as bedrock when he gets an idea in his head. What is he thinking of? I get a clue what it could be when he teases my fangs until they drop. Feeding. Dammit, I really don’t want to argue with him right now. He pulls away and asks if I’m hungry. The low growl he lets out sends a wave of heat through my whole body. I want to respond that yes I am hungry, just not for food, but before I can do so and pull him back for another kiss he holds a plump strawberry to my lips. I take a bite, and then another. On and on he keeps on feeding me chunks of fruit, strips of crispy bacon and pieces of fluffy pancakes drenched in butter and maple syrup, until I finally lay back against the pillows, completely stuffed. I smile and cross my hands over my belly as I watch LW start to finish off the leftovers. Goodness knows there was enough to satisfy his hunger too- he’d cooked enough for at least four people* That was delicious, nallum. Thank you. *glancing at the alarm clock on my bedside table, I groan* I should probably get up and go try again to get some work done, but I don’t think I can move right now!

LW: Chuckling at Nalla, LW moves to set the tray outside their door. Scribe knows that the doggen would take care of it soon enough. Striding back to the bed, he rumbles, “Well that’s too bad. I had plans for you.” Climbing in, he purrs as Nalla curls up in his arms once again. “They’re your favorite kinds of plans too.” Kissing the top of her head, LW pulls her atop him, his hands wandering to squeeze her ass. Their lips meet in a kiss, and once again, he coaxes her fangs out. “I know this may be bad timing, Nalla. But I need to feel alive right now. I need to … forget for just a moment and get lost in you, in us. Can you give me that?” He doubted she’d ever deny him, but the choice was hers to make. If Nalla said no, that would be the end of the conversation. He had way too much respect for her to cross her boundaries like that. Plus, his Mahmen would do some serious haunting if he tried. Not to mention the King would kill him. That wasn't the point though. After those dreams, and the reality that had been the night beforehand, he just needed to be with his shellan. He needed to be connected to her, to something real and tangible.

Nalla: *looking down into mine hellren’s eyes, I see the same emotions I’m feeling myself mirrored there. And is it wrong to try to grab for a little peace, maybe even some joy, amidst the grief and tragedy? I don’t see how it could be. That’s how we’ve lived here in the Compound, in this war, all my life. There will be time later to think of everything else, deal with the grief and logistics and all that. Right now, here in the room I share with LW, when it’s just me and him, I just want to set it aside for a little while, lean on each other to offer the strength we’ll each need from the other to get through what comes next, and try to grab a little of that happiness too if we can. Lifting my hands to frame his face, I lean in and kiss him softly* Yes, I can. And I… I think I need the same from you right now LW. *I lean my forehead against his* Let’s help each other forget. Just be together and get out of our heads for a while. *I wrap my arms around his neck as I kiss him again, pressing myself against him*

LW:

He shifts so that his thighs pin hers wide and his hips fit snugly against hers. Leaning down, into the kiss, a low growl rumbles from his chest. He was torn between fucking his shellan til she was a screaming, trembling mess, and making love to her. LW just needed to forget for a bit, lose the bloody images that had so deprived him of sleep. The longer they kissed, the more certain he became that this needed to be tender. He needed something soft and loving to consume him. He’d had enough aggression the night before. His mind made up, his lips gentler against her own, though he still coaxed at her fangs with his tongue. He needed her to feed and he wasn't above manipulating her body into action. Their hips moved together, the hard ridge of his erection pressing against her cloth-covered core. His voice rumbled between them, his lips a hair’s breadth away from hers. “Undress me, Nalla.”

Nalla:

*Sliding my hands down LW’s chest, I tug off his shirt, pulling back long enough to pull it all the way off before removing my own too. I wanted to be skin-on-skin with him. I kiss him again, keeping it sweet and tender as I roll over onto my back and pull my hellren down on top of me. I arch up against him and moan as I reach down to tug off his pajama pants and stroke him. Yes, this is exactly what we need right now….

We lay curled up together afterwards, and I smile for a moment as we lay trying to catch our breath. But then, of course my mind started whirling once more with all the things that had happened, and that still needed to be done. I’d also given in to my body’s needs and took LW’s vein after all, though I couldn’t talk him into feeding himself. Soon, I promised myself. But for now, I have to let all that worry go as I feel myself drifting off to sleep.

LW:

As they lay beside each other, panting for their breath, with Nalla curled up against him, reality intruded. They both had things that they could be doing. Scribe knew that his father would need Nalla’s help in the office. Probably the same shit she was supposed to have been doing when he found her in the middle of the day. But the important part was, she had fed. Nalla would be strong enough to get through the day. She had tried to convince him that he needed to feed, but it had been a moot point. All he had to do was coax her fangs out and biology had overtaken her. Hugging her tightly to him, he tried in vain to focus on her, but there was too much going on in his head.

#CaringforhisNalla #IS #BDB

[televinita]

Zoo 3.11, “Cradles and Graves”

Maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me

I don't know if I'm more upset that this show had the gall to unironically use (a cover of)“Wonderwall” for dramatic effect, or that after 3 days of my inability to stop watching this episode, it's actually working for me.

I distinctly remember bursting out laughing when the first lyrics hit my ears, and now I'm like, teary eyed and nodding sagely through that whole montage. "Wow. So deep. So profound and meaningful."

------

A list of things I did not care for this week: the IADG bullpen unless Tessa was talking. Now that we've got that out of the way... Some things I like about the first 5 minutes -Imagining the Darkest Timeline version where they are all already dead by the time Clem finds them. -The (unintentional?) hilarity of the fact that Jackson's blood waits for the exactly perfect moment to ooze under the door for maximum dramatic effect -The fact that Mitch is found on the stairs instead of where he was shot, which suggests to me that he got to feel the full horror of seeing both Max and Jamie on the ground before he succumbed to his own wound (which is probably just an irresponsible directing choice because if he had, I'd think he'd be a little more grateful about the whole them-not-being-dead part, but it's fun to think about! Otherwise I just get bogged down again in wondering about the logistics of GSW injuries.) Ctrl + Z I loved it, but my parents and I could not stop laughing during the entire resurrection scene. "So I guess everybody's actively dying and no one can help us, but it's cool. Just gimme some of that tank serum (totally valid medical term) and mix it with water (just your basic home remedy recipe), and then we'll suffocate them back to life and five minutes later their mortal wounds will be fine and we can get on with the real problems." A.K.A. So there's example 57 or so of an entire episode's worth of possible plot being pushed aside because this show refuses to take a breath. We could have wrung so much more emotion out of Clementine, whilst ignoring her own signs of labor, trying to triage her father, grandfather, adoptive mother, surrogate uncle I'm pretending she is already attached to more than I'm sure she is, and other surrogate uncle who is also her best chance of saving her baby, the most important of all, if something goes wrong in delivery. ...and GDI now I gotta go find a special episode of Grey's Anatomy to get my mass tragedy fix. But I'm grateful that even at Zoo speed, they still gave me a little taste (in two flavors!) of people suffering the after-effects of injuries the serum couldn't fully fix. You're Responsible, You're the One to Blame, It's Your Fault :( to everyone being too busy hating her to notice Jamie cradling a clearly injured arm. But I love absolutely every sentence in this 7-way argument, including but not limited to Mitch's strangled "are you full term? how long was I out?!", the group-wide reveal of when exactly Mr. Duncan disappeared, Jackson's deadly-quiet anger, Jamie's valid defense of her actions, Mitch trying to take his daughter and blow this popsicle stand at a doubled-over limp, Clem taking her sweet time mentioning the quarantine, Max and Jamie's "oh" realizations about the plane, and Mitch's fabulously cranky echo and "what now" attitude. Last but far from least, the disgusted "I can't even look at you" was kind of my favorite part? I dig it when one member of an OTP is that intensely furious at the other out of hurt. (see also: Castle at the end of season 4)

A+ Comic Relief Laughing for 1 million years at Clem hopping off the exam table pantsless while all the men in the vicinity double take and look away* (except for Sam, whom Mitch hilariously whacks on the arm for his impudence, in my favorite sight gag since "Special Consultant") *the fact that Abe also does this, while understandably instinctive and appropriately respectful, is also kind of hilarious given where he just was 

Oh My Darling(s, Sam &) Clementine (who can't make a good shipmanteau to save their life) I don't have enough interest to do it myself, but it sure sounds like the story of how they met would make a pretty great YA novel plot. Anyone who doesn't actually want to spend the month trying to be a paid author need a NaNoWriMo prompt? Particularly someone who likes world-building, because this show leaves things wide open to fill in the details of U.S. society outside New York and the plane. Speaking of which! Did Clem happen to share with him the part of her backstory about being raised as an orphan basically the same way for the same reason? Because that seems like it would decently bond them. I like this parallel. Also update, I am getting a lot fonder of his face, mostly because he shut up and stayed out of the way except when I needed him to chime in to be sweet and supportive of Clementine (or side with her dad about ranking her over the baby on the priority list). He seems like he's really tried/is trying to be a good partner, and I'm impressed that he holds his ground despite a faceful of largely unwarranted hostility from her. I might actually be okay with him being the head of his family, even though up until now my head has danced with visions of Clem raising her baby under Mitch (and Jamie)'s purview and/or roof, Last Man Standing style. (although I guess there's always Reba-style, where both young parents are under that roof) (I realize I'm making a lot of assumptions about everyone's ability to stay alive and/or live a semi-normal life)

Beta Ship 2.0 / My Wonderwall** There's something immensely funny to me about the juxtaposition of Jackson being in his Brooding Cave Of Isolated Despair while Tessa is in a brightly ilt location, in the middle of the hustle and bustle and basically being like, "Buck up and stop being so melodramatic." (Jackson: The prophecies have spoken. Food turns to dust in my mouth. A great wave shall fall upon us all. // Tessa: is your plane out of groceries again?) But on a serious note, I love so much that he's thisclose to broken until she pulls him out of it that I'm not even gonna whine about him asking Tessa to do the same thing he's punishing Jamie for. Though in his defense, he did say "stop" her and not "kill her,” which is an important distinction for him. **My friend once wrote a Jim/Pam (The Office) parody of Jim/Pam stories using this title, and that is at least 50% of why I can't take this song seriously even though I actually have always loved it. 

I Don't Know What To Do My Whole Brain is Celebrating "How do you know the name of Jamie's scorpion?" "Because my son and Jamie have, uh, very lively pillow talk."** !!!!!!!!!! NO BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.

The fact that Abe pipes up despite a sucking chest wound just so he can help take the mick out of Mitch is glorious. The cranky and ineffectual "shut up" in response is THE BEST. I love that Mitch has just always blatantly refused to publicly acknowledge how he feels about Jamie, despite the fact that everyone and their mother is like,  "Oh yeah, I know Mitch. Snarky scientist, walks around with hearts in his eyes to match the one on his sleeve?" (Mitch, in the distance: I do not LOVE her, okay, I just...miss her when she's not around, think about her all the time, and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.) I doubly appreciate this exchange because I was wondering when the hell these people actually sleep and I was getting worried there was no recognizable place in canon that they might have both had a chance to go to bed at the same time. **This writer could not have more clearly been flagging us with a fic prompt. Max Morgan, Love Doctor My very favorite of the small moments in this ep is Max insisting that Mitch let him patch him up. I was all on board for some serious injury, but I loved the subversion of his attention being caught by the scars I thought the show had forgotten about instead. "Oh, Mitch."

That just kills me. I want to unpack their relationship right here so much more, but also, it's 7pm on the night of new Zoo. Suffice to say Mitch isn't the only parent who suffers over the thought of his kid being in pain tonight, and that's beautiful. And gosh do I love him quietly, individually, nudging Mitch and Jamie back towards each other. The promise that Mitch will understand eventually was an immediate balm upon my soul. If Max says a thing about my ship, it must be true! Mitch + Being A Mess of Emotions About His Daughter (if anyone wanted to make a gifset off of this theme I would not be opposed) Words cannot express how thrilled I am that Mitch gives zero bothers about Sam's baby daddy rights and takes up prime positioning to stroke Clementine's hair nonstop throughout the whole labor,* even stealing the requisite final "you can do this" encouragement. He also gets to be the first one to hold the baby and it's amazing.

* and makes some pretty wonderful faces over how hard it is to see her in pain and not be able to do anything about it -- and remind me I've got either some meta or a story scrap about how this is what Audra was on the front lines for all those years he selfishly hid away, telling himself it was for the best P.S. As much as I love that Mitch just falls apart in full Worried Dad mode and can't seem to process a single medical term or physical symptom as it pertains to pregnancy, you know that if Abe weren't a sex doctor and the writers weren't butts, Mitch would absolutely be whipping out the stethoscopes and telling us all about the time he delivered a baby gorilla so this is basically the same thing -- I imagine Clem would take loud offense here -- while roping in Jamie as a delivery nurse to follow his instructions to the letter (because there are some things fathers just should not do no matter how brilliant they are). Things I would like to know Why Mitch -- who apparently had a through and through -- is the only one whose gunshot wound is still bothering him Why Clementine didn't once ask where Jamie was. (at which point I'd really like to see Mitch try and explain that one.)

It is straight up ridiculous to me that 19-year-old girl in labor, surrounded by men, would not want a woman with her, particularly one she loves. This is the most "what...man...[wrote] this" moment I have ever had about TV.

Did I just miss it, or is it kinda weird that Sam doesn't bat an eye upon finding out Charles Duncan is actually a different person and his girlfriend's father? 

Leftover Thoughts

This show is so nuts, I am just now realizing I didn't even stop to wonder how the hell Abigail reanimated herself last week before now.

Mitch being a testy bitch @ Abe is a thing that just does not get old. ("You put hybrid goo in my daughter? Was that not worth a little chat?")

Aww @ Mitch's mini pep-talk about being a good parent, followed by the "OK time to go" and the sweet "I'm having this baby?" / "You are having this baby."

I also really enjoy Mitch deciding to be cranky about Sam just because he's there and he can. It's kinda like sniping at Logan, but more fun and with way better reasons. (Which I hope is exactly what Mitch says when Clementine inevitably tells him to knock it off)

"Goodbye frequent flyer miles" lmao

I love that instead of shutting down the beacon by cutting the wire, they multiplied its effect by a thousand and destroyed a city, to which the response is basically, "Whoops."

"You've been good for my son. Take care of him for me." So I LOVE THIS, but also: dammit Max that is not what "die for our ship" means.

But I love the moment where Jamie and Max, individually, hear the baby crying. The joy dawning on their faces is so pure it actually makes it worthwhile that they're not present at the birth itself.

(I know we're especially mad about Jamie. But honestly, if it means All Mitch All The Time, that's an OK trade to me.)

tl;dr if something is not mentioned please assume I loved it

COMING SOON:

(will be links shortly) Mini essays analyzing Jamie V. Jackson, Mitch/Jamie and Max's death.

In conclusion: I spent my entire night writing this, but it was worth it. Future Me is gonna love looking back.