#like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But!
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr.com is the 103rd most visited website in the world.
Text
What doesn't kill you makes you sad strange defensive and difficult to connect with
#It's my annual visit to stay with my parents which means#Two weeks of being as normal as possible around people all day while my journal entries get increasingly unhinged#Because openness fosters interpersonal closeness but I don't know how to be Open around them in a way that doesn't massively hurt for evry1#Like. How am I? I'm in near constant emotional pain because coming back here sucks. Because my memories of here since#like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But!#I will keep coming back here anyway. Because one day I won't have my parents anymore. And I don't want to regret time not spent with them.#It's a bit perverse isn't it. Being motivated by fleeing fear instead of pursuing love. But that's where I'm at.#And what are my parents meant to do with that? They can't fix it. Or me. They can't apologize in a way that would mean anything to me.#They can only suffer in guilt and helplessness. And then I'll imagine their suffering and hurt more for it.#And that's it! Fin! The only endpoint I can see. I've tried putting it on their shoulders before. It only hurts.#So I will try very hard to behave like I'm calm and okay. And in two weeks or when I snap -whichever comes first- I'll go back home#And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife.#It's not healthy to keep oneself so alone. But I am not healthy. I'm sad and strange and defensive and difficult to connect with.#And nobody but me can help me and I don't know how to be different.#Christ. I need to go back to therapy. I need a hint.#Memories
2 notes
·
View notes