#like damn i bet my anti-anxiety meds would have been REALLY helpful right about now! shame i haven't taken them since yesterday!

[danieyells]

?????? Why did he tell me everything was fine if my insurance requires me to have been on hormones for 2 years to approve the procedure. . .why didn't he say they won't approve it if that wasn't the case. . .is that outdated information???? Maybe we can lie????

Am i seriously about to have all of my fucking hype crushed???? Maybe I can convince my doctors to lie for me or we can say I was doing it DIY for a few years. People ask how long I've been on hormones a lot because my voice is pretty deep and I look pretty masculine surely we could get away with this???

I feel really fucking beaten down now. Why not stop the discussion and go 'hey they require X amount of time on hormones'. . .I really hope I can convince my providers to fudge the truth for me a little or i'm going to lose my mind i seriously don't know how well i'm going to take it if i can't get this done???? Like I already feel so anxious at the thought. Please everything about me needs this. I am going to go fucking insane if this can't happen this year.

[queercapwriting]

prompt from the wonderful Deanlu: “Cap!! Well done. If your taking requests...superreigncorp - Kara's infected with red kryptonite by Cadmus and goes after Lena. Sam was defend Lena. Awful things get said and Sam ends up injuring Kara badly to protect Lena. The three have a heart to heart at the DEO where Kara thanks Sam for stopping her. Alex and Maggie are there too.”

“You have to, Sam. Please. I’m so sorry. But please.” 

Alex’s jaw is set and Sam’s eyes are wide, like if she wishes it hard enough, nothing Alex is saying to her will be true.

That Cadmus didn’t get a hold of her girlfriend. 

That they didn’t infect her with red kryptonite.

That Alex isn’t suiting up to fight her own sister and asking Sam to do the same.

“I might be able to talk her down,” Alex’s voice definitely hitches this time, “but if we’ve gotta restrain her at any point, you’re our safest bet.”

“She won’t go after Ruby.” Sam says it like a statement, but Alex knows damn well that it’s a question.

And that’s when her voice hitches again. Dammit.

“No. She’s not. Sam.” Alex takes her hand, this time, and that’s when Sam’s stomach really plummets. “According to the tracker in her suit, she’s going after Lena.”

Sam doesn’t wait for Alex.

She doesn’t wait for anyone.

She flies.

She only catches the tail end of it. The things Kara’s saying to their girlfriend. The things about her family, her worth. Exactly what she thinks of Lena’s appropriateness for the Luthor family name and exactly what she thinks of why a Super would ever want to sleep with a Luthor.

“Kara, you’re ill, you don’t really mean any of this,” Lena’s trying. She’s trying, but it’s a voice Sam knows better than she would like to.

It’s Lena’s broken voice.

The one where she’s saying things, talking out loud, but believes none of it. The voice where she believes every terrible thing anyone will throw at her, about herself.

“Kara,” Sam calls, no mask. Because if this is going to work, Kara needs to see her face.

Kara freezes, and when she turns to her other girlfriend, she sneers.

It looks unfamiliar on her face.

Unfamiliar, and horrific.

It’s the worst thing Sam’s ever seen, and she’s seen more than her share.

“Don’t hurt her, Sam,” Lena begs, even though she’s bleeding. Even though she’s shaking and trembling because she’s damn good in a fight, but she’s only human, after all.

“I’ll try, Lena,” Sam tells her, soft and gentle, but her eyes never leave Kara’s face.

“You’ll fail,” Kara’s sneer only sets deeper into her face, and her voice is low and deep and usually, that’s sexy as hell.

Now, it just tears Sam to shreds.

“I mean really, it’s kind of awesome.” Kara’s smiling now, flying slowly away from Lena and toward Sam - good, that’s what they need, good, good, a little more - and her laugh is even worse than her sneer. “Think about it, Reign. You hurt me to protect Lena, and you’ll lose her. You don’t hurt me, and you’re still losing. Because really, do you even want to stop me? You were born for this, Sam. It’s your birthright. So really, not hurting me? Not stopping me? You fail at being human, at being a mother.” 

She says it with such disdain that Sam nearly shudders, nearly loses her grip on the air around her. On her will to live.

Kara’s flying backwards, towards Lena, as she talks. 

Sam has no idea what she plans to do. But they’re above the deck of Lena’s penthouse and it’s too risky to take any chances.

She tightens her fists and tries to black out her girlfriend’s voice. Tries to watch her body, instead, tries to read what threat it holds, this time.

“Which means you succeed at what really matters. At being a supervillain. So really, either way you choose, Reign, you can’t escape your true-”

Sam blasts Kara out of the sky, just as she’s about to get close to Lena again.

Kara falls.

Sam flies.

She catches her.

There’s still blood on her forehead.

But she’s unconscious. 

Alex can treat her.

Alex can make her better.

Physically.

Who knows how the rest will happen.

Lena doesn’t need stitches, but it still takes everything Maggie has to get her to sit still long enough for one of the DEO medics to get her cleared.

Sam doesn’t need anything, medically, but it still takes everything Vasquez has to get her to take an anti-anxiety pill designed just for her.

And Kara.

They keep Kara unconscious until Alex can leech the red K from her system.

Alex cries while she works.

She thinks no one notices.

They do.

J’onn kisses her forehead and James puts his hand on her shoulder and Winn paces the hallways, occassionally shouting at the walls.

They wait while Alex works. They wait while Kara recovers.

Maggie gets a hold of Winn so he can cry himself out on her shoulder. 

Sam and Lena don’t say a word.

They hold hands and they watch Alex and they wait.

“I’m sorry I hurt her,” Sam says after a long, long while. Her voice sounds like she hasn’t used it in years, and she’s grateful this all happened early in the morning, so Ruby’s still at school.

“You gave her the equivalent of a Kryptonian slap on the back of the head,” Lena tries to comfort her, though she can’t quite meet her eyes.

“She’s my girlfriend. That’s not okay.”

“None of it’s okay,” Lena murmurs, but she squeezes Sam’s hand like maybe she’s not going to break up with her.

“You know none of what she was saying about you was true.”

“You neither,” Lena tells her, and they both believe it of the other.

Neither quite believe it about themselves.

Later, neither of them will be sure who falls asleep on the other’s shoulder first.

But Maggie is definitely the one who put a blanket over them, because they recognize the one she keeps safe in a compartment on the back of her bike for impromptu beach trips.

“Hey,” James kneels in front of them as soon as he realizes they’re awake. “Alex says she can wake Kara whenever you guys are ready. We just didn’t want to wake you.”

Lena grimaces and nods, and Sam does the same. James offers to collect the blanket from them.

“My boyfriend could use it, now: I think he tired himself out from all the crying, and Vasquez probably wants her jacket back.”

Sam and Lena exchange small smiles at the idea of Winn curled up somewhere in the med bay, asleep under Vasquez’s favorite leather jacket.

James hugs them both, and they hug back, hard.

They’ll need it.

They’ll all need it.

“Alex?” Lena asks, soft and slow, as they step into the room where Kara is still unconscious and Maggie is holding Alex from behind.

“Are you ready?” Alex asks, trying to sound like she hasn’t been crying for hours.

She’s not fooling anyone, but no one minds.

Lena and Sam lace their fingers together and step toward Kara’s med chamber.

Sam runs her fingers over the angry bruise on Kara’s cheek from when she fell.

From when Sam made her fall.

She shivers.

Lena kisses her neck.

She shivers again and she nods.

Alex types in some sort of code on Kara’s monitors, and her IV drip changes the tone of its humming.

It takes a few minutes.

No one speaks.

Kara stirs.

And immediately begins to weep.

“Did I kill anyone?” is the first thing she needs to know.

It’s always the first thing she needs to know.

“No, Kara, no. Everyone’s fine. Everyone’s fine,” Alex drops to her knees next to her, on the other side of the bed from where Sam and Lena are. Maggie keeps one hand on Alex’s shoulder, the other balled in a fist in her pocket. Her jaw is set and her eyes are glassy.

All of their eyes are glassy.

“Sam? Lena? Oh, Rao, Alex. Lena.”

“I’m right here, darling. We’re both right here.” She tries to take Kara’s hand, but Kara whines and flinches and curls, as fetal as she can get with the IV still in her hand, shaking her head and rocking into herself.

“I’m so sorry,” is all she can sob for long, long, long moments.

Everyone cries.

Everyone has their own reasons to.

Sam figures out a way to speak first.

“It could have been me,” she tells her girlfriend, one arm firmly around Lena’s waist and the other, reaching to try to get Kara to unclench her hands. “Cadmus could have gotten me, and I could have done some pretty terrible things, Kara. And you’d tell me it wasn’t my fault. You’d tell me it was Cadmus.”

“And I’d be lying,” Kara moaned, and Sam flinched, but nodded, because she knew. She knew. “I wouldn’t blame you, Sam, and I wouldn’t stop loving you. But that wouldn’t keep me from laying awake at night, wondering if one of the women in my bed really does believe these terrible things about me, deep down. Really does want to hurt me, deep down, so damn badly. I wouldn’t know how to not wonder.”

“Do you still wonder about me?” Alex asks, soft and scared, like she’s trying to help, desperately, but also like she’s scared to hear the answer.

Sam and Lena turn to look at Alex, both crying but both confused. Maggie squeezes her girlfriend’s hand, hard. Kara looks stunned. Only Alex’s eyes are steady, even as she bites her bottom lip so hard she might bleed.

“Myriad,” she whispers as explanation. Like Kara needs reminding. 

And while Sam and Lena won’t have the full story, not yet - it’s not something either Danvers woman talks about, not really, not often, not unless they’re beyond drunk or had a particularly grueling day in therapy - they’ll remember Myriad. They’ll be able to put enough pieces together.

“It took me a long time, Alex,” Kara whispers, because it’s true. 

And Alex gets that. 

She remembers what this is like from both sides, not just the one.

“But we’re still us,” Alex reminds her. “And we still really should come with a warning.”

Alex’s voice breaks and Kara lets herself sob into her sister’s chest for a long, long minute before breathing again and turning, trembling, toward her girlfriends.

“I’m sorry,” Sam blurts before Kara gets the chance to speak. “I told Lena I wouldn’t hurt you, and I did, and I should have found a different way to -”

“No.” It’s the first time Kara’s voice is solid since she’s come to.

“No, Sam, no. Thank you. Thank you. I was hurting Lena, and I was hurting you, and it... thank you. I’m sorry I put you in that position. To have to hurt one of your girlfriends to protect the other.” Her voice cracks again, but she shakes her head like she’s making a decision, and she sits up, kissing Alex’s hand before detatching herself and reaching for Lena and Sam.

“You needed to stop me. And I never want you to have to do it again, but if Rao forbid you ever do? Please do exactly the same thing. I don’t know what right I have to ask you to be that strong, but please, Sam. You don’t have to hesitate.”

“I could’ve killed you.”

“And I could’ve killed either of you. Or Rao knows who else.”

“None of this is okay,” Sam whispers, her shoulders sinking. Because it’s not, it’s not, it’s not.

“But it will be,” Lena says, because Kara’s right. She will lay awake at night, and she will wonder if Kara really thinks those terrible things about her, about Sam. 

And Sam will lay awake, wondering the same. 

And Kara will lay awake, wondering if, deep down, she is truly as cruel, as sadistic, as the red K makes her.

They’ll all wonder that, at night. If they are as terrible as the things that were said, were done, were thought, were felt. 

And they’ll all lay there, wondering; but they’ll be laying there, together.

She’s not sure how she knows, but she does.

She’s not sure about anything right now, but she’s sure about that.

“It will be,” she says again, and this time, it’s a promise, and it’s a prayer, and it’s everything.