#like cishet ppl are like 'ah yes we am dating'

[44ratsinatrenchcoat]

there is something distinctly queer about edward and bella's relationship i can't really explain it but like

[leatherbookmarking]

honestly it feels like recently im just making personal post after personal post oh well

2000s me whose mom was angry at her for writing comments on internet websites and signing them with my given name (doesn’t matter that it’s one of the most popular names in the country) would be HORRIFIED

anyway i just made a discovery and i GOTTA share.

context: i've seen ppl calling wq a lesbian/obvious lesbian, and i was confused until i realized shipping female characters in cql is a bit like shipping nhs/jc or lxc/jc for me = "oh, that's a thing?" followed by "oh well i'm not actively into it, perhaps it's because the actors are just hot, moving along"

so then: "ok, so people are seeing wq as gay because they, too, are gay. fair enough" --> "gay people see things and point at them, saying This Is Gay Also" --> "wait, but i've never...?"

in fact i have, but that's because in my... mid-teens? i dipped into the queer-as-in-fuck-you side of tumblr, and then kept on going progressively deeper, resulting in me, 15, being 100% convinced that gay=good while het=bad, all men are evil, all white people are inherently racist, all cishet people are inherently homophobic/transphobic, all men are sexist, etc, etc. i have been brainwashed by a mass that didn't even interact with me, just existed, and i kept on thinking "oh, that's cool" and Adapting, no matter how radical the people i admired were. actually it ended not that bad, i've only been catfished once and it was in anime fandom, so.

and it worked, despite the fact that in my family, no one tormented me about behaving like a Lady or finding a boyfriend. and yes, because of my mother's music taste i quickly learned to ignore my father's dumb comments about unmanly men (everyone in my family's comments about everything, really) and school-wise, i was awkward, weird and liked anime, so i had little friends and found hashtag solace in internet since early primary school. hobby-wise, anime, manga, the jazz. but essentially: 1. i was very into RETRIBUTION despite not experiencing that much of sexism/etcetc myself, 2. i thought internet-loudly queer people were cool, so i tried being internet-loudly queer too.

so: if we allow ourselves to assume that youth-and-not-youth points at things and says "gay" due to a/ being gay, and b/ out of sheer spite to family, surroundings, and The World that seems to think everyone is het always

THEN.......?

until Fairly Recently, ever since mid-teenage years i've been firmly convinced i am a 100% lesbian (with one miserable "maybe i'm bi...? i can try dating this boy...? oh no. ah. no. no thank. bye" incident), and it was less about actually desiring women and more about i'm a lesbian. i just am. how can i not be a lesbian, men are... bad! i can't be straight, straight people are... bad!

and now that i have given up began to wonder in a more chill manner, it's like. well, of course i would like to tentatively dabble into "characters not being 100% gay". i mean, technically i wouldn't need to question my whole ass sexuality for that, but what i've been trying to say is that it's fucking hilarious how the majority of people rebelled against omnipresent heteronormativity, and i rebel...led? rebel now? by having quiet thoughts and doing my thing in my corner? unclear. against omnipresent (for me) "everything is gay and the norms are inverted", by thinking very quietly "okay, but what if not all female characters were dommes, pegging men until they cry?", or "okay, but what if this female character was in a relationship with a male character, and they were (!) sometimes having regular boring penetrative sex?".

teenage me would be disgusted with the audacity, current me doesn't really care, plus It Is Still Just Fiction and i am but a shrimp in the ocean of fandom, so.

conclusion: i still don’t fucking know, y’all.

addendum: i Can and Do read stuff where women Are dommes and sexually annihilate men, as well as “this male character, but as the subbiest whiniest bottom imaginable”, but not like, permanently. i just don’t really vibe with assigning characters sexual positions 4ever&always.