#like ain't nobody putting thoughts in my head my shit is way too full of mine and my babies emotional support

[teaboot]

do you think i'll ever get to a place in my life where i'm actually a good person and i don't keep getting bombarded with people telling me all the ways i'm doing things wrong. will i ever stop feeling like i'm faking being good and i'm actually a despicable person deep down inside like there's something rotten and irremovable in the very core of me. i feel sick

As a recovering self-hater I have a few things that have been helping

Truly shitty people are typically, in my experience, not chronically preoccupied with anxieties that they need to be better. It seems to be the 100% rock-solid certainty that everything you ever do is selfless that you need to watch out for.

Motive only matters in court. If you donate 30 hours a week to charity so you can tell yourself you're a good person or you donate that same time because you genuinely enjoy helping people, that's still 30 hours, imo. At that point the argument is more philosophical than anything. The help is still happening.

Nobody can read your mind. You can be the bitterest, cattiest, most judgemental and mean-spirited motherfucker alive, but as long as you don't let your feelings hurt others, you're golden. In fact, I personally think you should get extra credit for effort. Swimming upriver ain't easy

None of us are selfless by nature. That's okay. We all crave attention, and validation, and comfort, and reward. That self-interest is a survival skill. It's not going anywhere and I don't think it should. The key is moderation, self control, and consideration for others.

The loudest voice in your head probably isn't yours. Survivors of all kinds of abuse- and all abuse is psychological to varying extremes- often keep their critic's narrative in their head. That voice that says you're awful- is that something you'd say to someone else? No? Then try to figure out who said it to you. They were probably an asshole. The voice that answers it it probably your own. Listen to that one

No, you will not feel like this forever. It's a pain in the ass, but dedicating time and thought into ignoring that inner critic and elevating your positive impulses is effective.

Some things I've done myself that seem to help:

Do some research on cognitive behavioral therapy and cognitive reprogramming. These are easier to exercise with a therapist but once you figure out the steps to follow you can do them on your own, too.

When you do something good, write it down for yourself. Keep a dated journal, either on paper or in your phone. When you find yourself in a pit of self-loathing, you can go back and remind yourself of all the good you've done. If this is hard, try listing 3 good things you did at the end of each day. Anything from picking up a scrap of litter to running a food drive.

Long post, but really, the best thing I can say is this:

Aything that takes effort is worth celebrating, even if that effort is minimal or that task is considered small.

At the end of the day, "bare minimum" isn't working a full-time job and eating three meals a day, cleaning up after yourself and doing it with a smile- bare minimum is nothing. Bare minimum is laying on the floor motionless for 24 hours and filter-feeding like a sea sponge. And if even that's difficult for you, then it's not your bare minimum, is it?

There's a lot of cruel, inconsiderate, uncaring people in the world, only out for themselves at the expense of others, and even if you think you're one of them, giving a shit about doing better still puts you a mile ahead of most.

Try not to worry too terribly. If you're thinking about it, you're probably doing fine👍

[whereisthedamndaddymanual]

Glamour shots

A Yellow All Blue

.......She's really pretty,"

"Well yeah did you think I would have a beast?"

[orchidcharm]

okie florist x tattoo artist jakemuel then 📝

����

"just do whatever," jake scoffs at samuel's hesitation. "'s not my first time."

"not your first time?" he responds teasingly, but without looking his latest customer. samuel's too busy going through pages of different tattoo designs, wondering which of them are pretty enough to mar jake's skin. "that sucks, i really hoped i was your first."

he wished jake didn't hear it. after all, pretty boy's fixated on his phone and taking orders for flower arrangements. jake's too rough to be a florist, samuel thought at first. but up close, he's able to see how dainty jake's hands are – soft, smooth, veiny, just the right amount of nimble to handle flowers. god, he's thankful to be tattooing him now.

"artist's block?"

"what?"

"you've been staring too long at my hand. no good designs come to mind?" samuel thinks he's getting dizzy. jake's turned his full attention on him, and the tattoo studio's never been brighter. samuel's unable to respond.

"honestly i thought you were gonna go for something childish, or something like this," jake takes samuel's wrist and traces the cowboy emoji tattoo samuel had when he lost a bet. "it's actually good you're tryna think this through, yeah?"

it's funny, because samuel wasn't thinking it through. there's just no way he's able to function when jake's in his presence, even more touching him. he's forgot to put his guards up.

sure, he could flirt his way out of this like he always does. but why would he? with the way the sunlight passes through the studio's window and touches jake's features the right way — there's no way he's gonna trade anything for this view. pride comes later.

he spends few more minutes browsing as jake takes a client call.

"found it," samuel says right when jake comes back, "the thing i wanna tattoo on you."

🌼

"you didn't lie about it," samuel takes a water break. the design he chose wasn't complicated, at all. t'was just hard when he gotta tatt while keeping himself in check.

"lie 'bout what?"

"this not being your first time. you barely moaned." samuel teases.

but jake's an immovable force. instead of feeling embarrassed, he tilts his head to the side and stares at samuel. "should i moan for you? you'd like that?"

samuel thinks this shit's unfair. he can pass it off as some silly joke and pay no heed to the man in front of him. he's just tryna do his job, so why, why, why, does he feel the need to stare back at jake? this was coercion.

they lock eyes. no one dares say a word.

meow. thankfully ryuhei's stupid cat was there to break the silence, the unwanted tension. he'll beat himself up for being so whipped later.

work first.

🌼

"ain't no way," jake holds in a chuckle. he stares at his wrist, checking what kind of art samuel's immortalizing on his skin. "flowers, because i'm a florist?"

"flowers because you're a florist," samuel says it back.

he's clearly not in the mood to bicker, eyes focused on the work he's doing. his lips already swollen from being bitten again and again, and he hopes nobody thinks of it as anything. save for the boner he's been trying to hide, he's just an artist tryna concentrate. yup.

🌼

they're finally at that stage – finishing touches.

it means samuel's concentration has worn off already. now he's hyperaware that their skin are touching, and if this were any other man he'd be fine. but it's jake kim. his high school wet dreams personified. fuck this, he just wants to finish. finish work, that is.

"i don't hate it," jake lets out a comment. he really didn't talk much throughout the entire thing, and samuel felt him stare at him a few times as he was inking jake's wrist, but he was resolved to pay no heed to it. boners come later, remember?

"you shouldn't," he's now cleaning up the tatt, full attention to wiping it down. this would've been a normal tattoo session if only jake's winces didn't echo on his brain. "like, why would you hate it? i didn't do badly at all. looks good to me."

"no, no, tatt is good..."

"yep, tatt is good. i did that."

"i don't hate it, you being corny like this," jake points at the tattoo. "i admire you being romantic and all, but you should've known you were talking to a florist."

and samuel's sitting there in his full tattoo artist aesthetic glory — leather vest, ripped jeans, black boots — flustered. it was at this moment he knew he was dumb.

he didn't think it through. fuck.

"gardenias, secret love." jake really just called him out like that. samuel didn't even have the wits to feign ignorance. time just stopped.

but in that moment, something bloomed. just like a fated scene in any disney movie, wind blows at the right time in the tattoo studio.

it smelled of flowers. such a strong floral scent lingered the air. jake, the florist that he is, looks in the direction of where the flowers are.

"oh."

samuel stares at the flowers. he didn't even notice jake brought anything when he entered the studio. but he knows it's from jake, all too familiar with the flower shop's branding and style.

"gardenias too."

i got tired to finish properly

ty 4 prompt i love u @nivotron

[tbonechessor]

what are your VR opinions?

Primarily? That it's more of its own medium than necessarily an extension or evolution of video games. I think alot of VR people are waiting for the thing to win over hearts and minds of traditional controller-screen interaction, but it's not gonna happen. Even if they manage to get over the price gap of buying an entire 2 consoles worth of equipment and dedicated space one must have in their homes. The way that the medium operates, you're either gonna dedicate time to getting used to what the screen is doing with your eyes and head in order to see what kind of experiences are there or you ain't. It's too much of a departure from intuitively using a controller.

That doesn't mean to say it's without value or that the experience therin are not worth exploring. I just think the best experiences are those who are just deciding to use what the medium does well. Namely, the hand articulation and pov as a means of creating game experiences.

It should stop trying to do as much immersion as possible. When you look at the best and most memorable video-games, it's the stuff that uses its medium best that people tend to remember.

My favorite VR games are the ones that work with or around limited and/or no movement because movement and locomotion has always been jank if you aren't used to it. The Elite Dangerous VR game is amazing because it's nearly purely focused on putting you in a cockpit of a spaceship and making THAT experience fun and rewarding (as much as the core of Elite Dangerous is). You press buttons, accelerate, decelerate, pull levers, engage the hyper drive, and stare at moons and planets and stars from realistic distances. Its Fucking awesome.

Anything that works to have you walking around and Be Some Guy I think is always going to be at least a little jank. I like the game Blade and Sorcery but man whenever it's time to walk and use a thumbpad to glide myself around the arena it always feels closer to a duck tape solution than it is something the devs are putting conscious thought into. Whatever gets you to the good stuff of hitting guys with fire, lighting and very sharp sticks.

Which is admittedly fun for all the effort they're putting into it.

Another example of no/alternative movement. Mech Games. Iron Rebellion is a mech game in VR. Haven't played it yet but I'm damn well gonna. Because all locomotion is from meticulous player input. That sounds unintuitive but it's the same thing with Elite Dangerous. Using the full controls to decide movement or working with little-to-non-movement is where VR games actually shine.

But most BIG VR markets haven't quite grasped that the Video'd Game is the money maker that people truly give a shit about.

and are still dancing in the "Imersive experiences" territory or whatever the fuck Meta is doing. Nobody likes what Meta is doing.

[bakubabes-tatakae]

A/N: I hope you all enjoy part 1/4 of my pieces for day four of the anniversary collab for the @konoblog-simps​. You can find all the lovely pieces for the day here! Today’s theme was song pieces, and its full of angst. My heart broke after this piece. 😩 Izaya just deserves love. I’ll be spanning my four pieces throughout the next couple of hours so stay turned. You can find all the days of the collab here!

For the best experience listen to the song while reading the piece. The song title and artist have the link for he music video. 😊

Pairing: Izaya x fem!Reader

Song Choice: Without Me by Chvse

Warnings: alcohol consumption, angst, violence

Word Count: 1.7k

Izaya had never felt this kind of pain before. This man had been beaten senseless, stabbed, and everything in between, but nothing had ever really hurt him as much as heartbreak did. He had been the one to end things, but that was only because he didn’t want to put you in danger anymore. He didn’t want to be the thing that ended your life. But that didn’t stop the thoughts from roaming his head.

“And I don't want nobody else but you

You the girl in my dreams every night

You the reason that I let the sun come through”

You had been the best thing in his life, but he had let his life come in between that. He hadn’t wanted harm to come to you. But just that had happened. All this dealing with the Yakuza had made them take you hostage. They wanted to make him hurt.

So when he had finally gotten you back from them. When he had finally gotten you settled at home he had left, running away with nothing but a note on your nightstand. He couldnt’ bear to tell you to your face that you were better off without him.

You were in his dreams every night since then. Your face haunted every single thought that he had. He told himself day after day that he had to move on, but he couldn’t do that. He wanted you, nobody else.

His thoughts always went back to the countless mornings that you would wake up and roll over to tell him the same thing every time. “You’re the reason that I open those blinds every morning, Izaya.” You’d smile and climb over him, straddling his lap and pressing soft kisses to his cheek. “You’re the reason that I let the sun come through. You’re my light.”

Those words were on repeat in his head. He reached for the beer bottle on his coffee table and took a sip, tightening his grip around the bottle as he fought back the urge to let a tear loose.

“Girl, I'm sorry for the things that I've done

Always starting shit and put you in a dumb mood

Always pushing you away, but I pushed too hard

Now you're gone, what a dumb move

'Cause you're the person I'mma run to”

Izaya’s work had always gotten in the way of your relationship, but you had tried hard not to let that bother you. He knew how hard you tried to ignore it. That didn’t stop him from feeling horrible about it. He had tried to push you away some, despite how much he always regretted himself for it after. He wanted you to make the decision on your own.

He would get angry when you questioned him about when he was going to spend some time with you. He tried to understand where you came from, but his work was his life and he wanted nothing more than to succeed. He wanted to make a better life for not only himself but for you as well. He had gone about that wrong.

His anger would always put you in horrible moods. And when you had left him the first time he should have left you alone.

When you had finally decided that enough was enough he should have left it at that. But something inside him said that he had to have you back. He just couldn’t let you get away. He loved you too much.

You were always the person that he ran to when he needed help. You were the person that he always leaned on. And now you were gone.

“Look, I understand why you had to leave

'Cause I was treating you so bad, that your family

Could see through the fake smile that you had with me

I wish you didn't go, but also know you had to leave”

Izaya had heard the words that your family always spoke. He heard the conversations on the other line. You had been sure that the phone speaker wasn’t loud enough, but he heard them say that you needed to move on.

You would object to their statements. You always did, but he knew that deep down you would think for a long time about them.

They would say that you always seemed like the feelings you had weren’t real. They called your smiles fake and said that you only did them to fool the family. You only wanted them to think that you were truly happy.

Izaya wished that he hadn’t pushed you away that first time, but he knew that it needed to be done. He understood why you had left, but his heart wanted you to be with him.

“'Cause I was toxic, found a way to talk shit

Accusing you of things you didn't do, I know I'm not shit

So leaving me to better you, is better than the option

To stick around with me, I just hate that I caused it

I hate that I caused it”

Izaya had done nearly everything to push you away the first time. He was toxic. He was rude. He played every game he could think of. Izaya even went as far as accusing you of being unfaithful.

He claimed that you had found yourself in the arms of one of his enemies.

So you chose to leave. You told Izaya that you needed to better yourself. You needed to get away. You weren’t going anywhere or doing anything with your life being with him.

You were beginning to see that sticking around with him was the worst option.

He hated that he made you feel that way, but he couldn’t do anything about how he felt about himself. He hated that he had wanted to put you in that position. But you would have been better off without him.

“'Cause I don't wanna hurt you

But I know I will

And I'm looking for the reason

For the way I feel

I didn't wanna lose you

But if I'm being real

Then you're better off without me”

He could feel himself slipping away from you and that’s when he knew that he needed to do what he did. He knew that eventually he would hurt you worse than he had ever wanted too. Worse than just heartbreak.

But Izaya never truly understood why he felt that way. He didn’t know why he knew that he would hurt you. He just knew.

So in the note that he left you on your nightstand he said “You’re better off without me.”

And it was the worst thing he had ever written in his life. The worst thing he had ever said to someone. And he truly meant it. No one could change his mind. Your life meant more to him than his own.

“I never really fell in love until I met you

'Cause that day out at the cabin, I felt something special

3 a.m, vibing, drinking beer on the couch

Remember? I was scared to even cuddle with you”

Flashbacks of how you met filled his head, another swig from the beer bottle filled his throat. The small feeling of forgetting starting to take over. That’s all he wanted to do. These memories were too painful.

When you had come to the cabin with a couple of friends of his and they had introduced you, he hadn't expected to be obsessed. But he was.

Everyone had gone to sleep, the two of you had been the only ones left in the living room, and he had never been more nervous in his life.

You hadn’t hidden your attraction to him. You made it very obvious in the hours after you had met.

You had looked at the clock as you both drank the last of the beers that were sitting on the small coffee table. Three in the morning. The fire burned in the fireplace and your laughs filled the room.

Izaya couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this way. The last time he had truly felt love.

Izaya had never been as nervous as he was right now. He was normally the tough guy. He had never had a problem showing affection for a woman he liked. But you were different.

You noticed his hesitation and went in yourself. Before you could even stop yourself, your body moved. You straddled his hips and pushed him back into the couch. Your lips pressing together as Izaya placed his hands on your hips. His fear almost instantly watching away.

“My heart's breaking 'cause I love you and I miss you

I'm thinking about the times where I'd cuddle and I'd kiss you

But I understand that I got a lot of issues

I just hope you know that it ain't easy to forget you”

Izaya shook his head, trying to get the memory to leave him. “Fuck.” He grasped the bottle tighter in his hand and down the last swig. “I miss her.”

Before he even realized what was happening the bottle soared from his hand, a scream leaving him at the same time.

A light switched on in the hallway and a figure appeared in the doorway of the living room. Namie had a sleepy, puzzled look on her face as she checked on her boss. “Izaya?”

Izaya rubbed his eyes and gave her a weak smile. “Everything’s fine Namie. Go back to bed.”

She gave him a worried look before turning back to head to her room. She knew better than to push Izaya when he was like this.

“I just-“ His voice was a whisper as he picked up his phone. He didn’t want to say anything else and have Namie come back out.

Izaya opened his messages, his finger instinctively finding your name and typed out a message he had never meant to send. Alcohol made him hit that button and made him throw his phone across the room after.

So when your phone lit up and you opened the message, your heart broke for him.

Izaya 💞 2:36am

I miss you so fucking much.

Taglist: @monic00l​ @strangeinternetwasteland​ @rowley-with-ackerman​ @kyu-pine​ @ellechanwrites​ @bonnisimpparker​ @impinthecloset​ @nikiniki743​

©bakubabes-hatake’s original content, please do not repost/modify without my permission

[dreamwatchpro-wrestling]

Dreamwatch: REMember (Match 1)

Elimination 8-Man Tag Match: Takaya Kiryu/Johnny McLaren/Katsu Himuro/Yamato Ryukawa vs Shota Inaba/Keiichiro Asakawa/Ewan Jacobs/Tatsuya Mido (Click here to watch!)

We start off this historic show with a huge tag match! Four of Dreamwatch's most promising talents face off against a litany of mystery opponents! Who knows what could happen in this match? Who will stand out?!

Short answer: Everyone. Everyone stood out. From the first minute of the match we knew we were in for a wild night when MMA fighter Shota Inaba decided to try and burn Ryukawa with fire! Ryukawa has faced off against Carlos Gomez in the past so he was more prepared for something like this than expected, ducking out the way despite being visibly shaken. From there the match was chaotic and frenetic, while simultaneously showing off the best qualities of every participant. Ryukawa's strategy, McLaren's striking prowess, Kiryu's speed, and Himuro's overwhelming intensity were all on full display as if they hadn't been on a hiatus at all! The enemy team was not willing to be stood up, though, as Tatsuya Mido provided the power and intensity of the team, even seeming to match Himuro's at times! Along with him was the heart and explosiveness of Keiichiro Asakawa. These two have only shown us Dreamwatch fans a glimpse of what they can do, but they did look promising out there! Ewan Jacobs looked like he came to do business, getting in the ring and hitting straightforward world-class punches like only a top-level MMA fighter can. Along with him was... "MMA fighter" Shota Inaba, who shocked everyone with his antics! Perhaps you expected a shoot fighter like Jacobs, but instead Inaba's most notable moments were breathing fire and pulling out a scythe to cut Himuro and bust him open! A wildcard to say the least!

As the match rolled on, the opposing team did well and even got off two eliminations, but the Dreamwatch team was too solid all the way through to take a loss here. Team Dreamwatch takes the victory in a chaotic and very fun opening match!

-POST MATCH COMMENTS-

*Ryukawa, Kiryu, and Himuro share a long, uncomfortable look at each other. Himuro then glances over to McLaren and the two share a look. There is no talking for a significant amount of time*

Himuro: *shoving Kiru and Ryukawa out of the way to get closer to the camera* This is the first show back and this is what you give to me. Those opponents... One of them tried to make me bleed to make a name for himself. He's an embarrassment. My heart pumps, and I have more heart than his frail body can muster. He made me bleed with his dulled tools, but I'd grind him into the ground with my bare hands. Also that shitty white-haired guy? He tried to be big and bad and he got embarrassed. Get these pieces of shit out of my ring and don't invite them back. Dreamwatch isn't a game, Dreamwatch isn't big paychecks. Dreamwatch is me. Don't step to the strongest if you're not strong. I'm done here. *Shoves his teammates out of the way to walk off-screen*

Takaya Kiryu: One legend, seven losers. This ain't a welcome party in my book. Let's not forget that I'm the most successful wrestler in Dreamwatch, I've beaten one of the most successful wrestlers in this business is under ten minutes, and yet I'm being put on the same level with the biggest disappointments in this company, facing a comedy act of a team. Gonna need a bit more love around here, considering I'm literally carrying the company on my back. I better be getting paid more than Ryukawa, at least. *Kiryu prepares to take his leave before stopping and turning to McLaren* Also... Johnny, right? I noticed the orange gear. You looking for my attention? Now that we're back, show me what you can do, yeah? I'm watching. *Kiryu takes his exit*

McLaren: I need new gear...

Yamato Ryukawa: We need to step it up now that we're back! My last big match resulted in a loss that cost me in a big way, and it seems like they're trying to replace us with... Whatever those guys were *laughs* It didn't work though, even though admittedly that Keiichiro guy... I've heard of him and he was pretty strong. Mido too... Regardless, I need to change my focus. There's still a struggle for supremacy in Dreamwatch, and no offense to you Johnny, I'm the only one that can stand at the top by the end of this. Now that I managed to avoid having my hair burned off of my head for the second time, I'll at least look good when I get there.

Johnny McLaren: Its good to be back everybody! I was getting ready to fight in the Blood Crown tournament before the hiatus, and I'm assuming that that's still going on, and the look on Ryukawa's face tells me he forgot...

Yamato Ryukawa: Sorry!

Johnny McLaren: I hope you've been working on those leg locks. I don't want to have a rival that's lost a step. No point in beating you then. Anyway, now that Dreamwatch is back its time to begin the long crawl. When I first got here, people didn't think much of me, and during the hiatus I meditated and thought back on how things went, and I can tell I'm in the right direction. Dreamwatch fans, get loud! Johnny's back baby!

--

Tatsuya Mido: Dreamwatch, huh... They ain't as tough as all the hype makes them seem. That hiatus makes it seem like you boys and girls are all crumbling under your own weight. Perfect opportunity for someone like me to swoop in and take over the whole operation. You need someone strong running things here. Invite me back, Dreamwatch. I dare you.

Shota Inaba: Look what I did to your boy, Dreamwatch! Look what I did to him! That win means nothing, that wasn't a real fight, but I let a present for that bitch! *holds up the sickle he used in the match to cut Himuro* A little souvenir from the baddest fighter on Earth! Nobody can touch me! If I see that tall fucker again I'll carve his ass up! See me one on one, boy!

Ewan Jacobs: That guy's an idiot but I like his energy! Anyway you already know who I am and if you don't you need to wake up and watch some world-class fighters instead of the bums you got here. It's Ewan Jacobs, the most infamous man in sports. Pro wrestling rules are dumb. Over the top rope eliminations, three second pins... idiotic rules for idiotic people and their low-life fans. Pro Wrestling is the most pathetic-

Keiichiro Asakawa: *Shoves Jacobs to the ground* Oy! Watch your damn mouth!

*Jacobs Lunges at Asakawa, and a brawl ensues backstage, with both men having to be separated from each other and escorted out of the building. A distant "I'll kill you!" is heard from Jacobs*

[coinofstone]

5x03 The Death Song of Uther Pendragon

Arthur went out to collect firewood while Merlin watched over the dying lady 🥺

They saved a woman from being burned at the stake for sorcery and she repays them with a super powerful magic artifact

"He's always like this at the anniversary of his coronation."

"I thought it was a cause for celebration?"

"It is, but it's also the anniversary of Uther's death."

I would like to refer everyone back to my 4x03 post where I point out that Uther was stabbed on Arthur's birthday, which is also the anniversary of his mother's death. Uther would've died a day or two later. So within the span of let's say, half a week, Arthur's got his birthday, his mother's death anniversary, his father's death anniversary, and his coronation. He needs a hug. It's gotta be the hardest week of the year for him, every year. Speaking from personal experience, I know I wouldn't be anywhere near as upright as Arthur is, for all his thousand yard staring.

It's a very nice sarcophagus but what is going on with Uther's left leg?

No srsly wut is this

Is it reeeeally swollen? Did he break his ankle in the fight or perhaps when he fell?

Ok I'll stop being mean

The ONE time Merlin knocks

You think this was a sex thing? I think it might've been a sex thing.

Spirit!Uther, while traumatizing in his own right, still isn't as frightening as actual King Uther could be.

Oooof I have Things To Say™️ about this. The reason Arthur chooses to use the horn, to use magic, is because, "there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of the thing I wish I'd said to him." But when he gets to speak to Uther, he doesn't actually get to say very much at all, because Uther immediately begins criticizing everything he's done as king. Arthur doesn't get what he sought at all, instead of an opportunity to tell his father any of the things he wished to say, he gets spoken to, harshly criticized. It's a major blow. And he says as much, when the single man tear spills over and he says "this can't be the last time I ever see you" - yes the line is foreshadowing Uther's haunting of Camelot but it's also signaling that Arthur's been traumatized; he went from having had his father mortally wounded in saving Arthur's own life, to having seen his father 3+ years into Arthur's rule as King of Camelot, and point blank being told Uther is disappointed in him. Not proud of him - actively un-proud. We don't really know what exactly Arthur wanted, if he'd hoped his father would've seen all the good his way of ruling had done and praised him, but I think it's pretty safe to assume that was on the wish list.

Be careful what you wish for indeed.

I AMUSE MYSELF. (I spent two hours figuring out how to create this please appreciate me)

Merlin's angry face when Arthur tells goin what Uther said is literally all of us.

I feel terrible for this but when Percival is leaving Gaius' chambers and he stops to look at the wall-torch, I immediately flash backed to Alice Troughton on commentary in S4 saying "Percival's a bit of a wuss isn't he?"

This is also awful but this episode kind of makes me miss the castle-centric contained episodes of S1

Never any guards around when you're being attacked by the ghost of your husband's dead dad, typical.

I understand Merlin bringing Guinevere to Gaius but putting her in Merlin's bed??????

The way Bradley and Colin both convincingly jumped when they turned around and found Gaius had snuck up right behind them kills me every time.

"Poetry". What he means to say there is, 'why didn't you just tell him we were fucking, since that would actually sound less gay'

So. Merlin took the ghost visibility potion but he can't see Utter knocking over barrels and shelves and things to trap in that store room.

Also why is there a pigeon in a windowless store room? Now I'm wondering why there aren't more birds randomly flying into the citadel, cuz they do have quite a lot of open windows... you'd think that might happen now and again.

Mmmmmmmm

Hmmmmmmm

Ooooof I love a bamf husband coming through to deal with a shit-for-brains abusive father... ghost.

^^actual canon scene

Was Tony shot entirely on green for this? That unearthly blue glow even in close ups where he doesn't look like he's on a green scene makes me wonder.

The 'horseplay' scene at the end was so full of sexual tension and d/s undertones that I literally do not want to say anything lest tumblr flag this post for content.

Commentary is Angel and Rupert. The two regulars who were in the least number of scenes in this ep. Since this post is already crazy long I'll keep this brief.

Aaaaand it's the first time either of them have seen this episode 😂 wow.

They've made 'horn' jokes and Rupert's gone full on tongue in cheek dad jokes.

They are also cracking jokes on Colin being all jacked up for S5 compared to previously when he was so skinny hehe... personally I ain't mad at him 😂

Fifteen minutes into the episode and Leon makes his first appearance

The little bottles and decor things in Gaius' chambers are part of a static set so they pretty much just sit there... Angel says that some of the contents have started to go moldy and they found maggots in one of them 🤢

They're talking about Gwen's new hair and while Angel is being really diplomatic, I get the impression she's as annoyed as I am by it. It literally doesn't match her own hair at all. But she also said some people saw her without the piece on and just said 'omg you cut your hair' so I guess 🤷‍♀️

The scene where Gwen is knocked out by a vase smashing her head - Angel says she was hit with the heavier bottom piece of it, which hurt more than she was expecting, and she wound up with a bump on her head from it.

Not a word about Colin picking up Angel 😢

They're talking about childhood pets and a beverage called lilt? Anyway Angel is really clever and Rupert's corny af but he's funny and I love them both.

Oh this is interesting: Rupert says he and the director talked about having Leon walking through the corridor hand in hand with the cook when he stumbles upon Merlin and Arthur's 'poetry lesson', but they weren't allowed to do that bc it would've been just a little bit too much, or a little too tongue in cheek. Which I'm taking to mean, would've accentuated the subtext of 'poetry' too much.

Angel and Rupert didn't know how they got Uther all glowy either, though Angel said it was probably lighting

Rupert says the line where Utter got caught off, what he was gonna say was "Merlin has ... been to the gym!" 😂😂😂😂😂

They really are great together doing these things

Rupert's story was the horse he had been riding all season had a foal, and nobody even knew she'd been pregnant. They just came out one morning and saw she'd given birth, and he got a call to inform him. That's kind of sweet. I wonder if he sent them some apples or something.

[annaphoenix1994]

Horseshoe Overlook - Exit Pursued by a Bruised Ego

Her nerves rattled within as she did everything in her power to ignore nausea coming over her, but the strong grip on Arthur's coat and constant bouncing from his horse walking failed to make anything better. "I feel like I'm going to faint," She whispered, hating to admit that she was weak when she was known to be strong. She was gripping just his jacket to keep herself centered, afraid to avoid physical contact.

"You need me to stop?" He asked, slowing his horse, sitting up slightly.

"N-No, I'll be fine." She waved her hand, feeling dizzy, encouraging him to continue.

"You sure? I can take you to a doctor if you need me to." He suggested.

"No," She panted. "I don't know why you just won't leave me here."

"I don't have that in me, Miss," He replied, feeling her grip loosen on his jacket. He immediately turned his head to check on her, seeing that her sunken eyes were starting to shut. To keep her from sliding off of his horse, he stopped his horse completely, using both of his hands to wrap her arms around his waist, his heart fluttering as he felt her head rest on his back just between his shoulder blades. "You'll be okay, just hang on." He assured her, feeling her nod her head weakly in response.

An hour later, he had returned to camp right at early evening, seeing that almost everybody's head had turned to see that Arthur returned with a woman. "Arthur!" Hosea said, quickly walking up to him, grabbing his horse's reins, helping him stop his horse. "What happened? Who is this?" He asked worriedly.

"Found her back at that cabin Kieran told us about. They killed her father and had her tied up for a while. Figured we could give her some food and get her back on her feet." Arthur explained, dismounting his horse carefully before reaching up to help her down, noting how weak she was. Hosea nodded as he looked at the poor woman, taking in her features as she looked familiar, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"Okay," Hosea sighed. Although he was eager to help, he didn't like the fact of constantly rescuing strangers and bringing them back to camp. He liked dear Sadie, but for now, she had no benefit to the camp as she was another mouth to feed, this woman all the same. "You know Dutch ain't gonna like this." He whispered.

"Dutch'll be fine," Arthur scoffed. "Besides, this is who you think it is." He hushed, watching the old man's brows rise in surprise. Minnie Barlow was a woman he had always wanted to meet. Arthur ignored the camp's wandering gaze as he led Minnie towards the main wooden table the gang had their meals at, helping her sit down before rushing to his tent to retrieve a wool blanket to drape over her shoulders as she was cold to the touch.

"Arthur..." He heard Dutch say in a low tone as he was watching him tend to her from his tent, a pipe hanging between his lips. Arthur turned to walk towards him, his arms open and his face begging for forgiveness.

"I can explain. I-"

"Explain why you just brought a woman back to camp without askin' me?" He scolded in a whisper.

"It's not like that, Dutch. I found her at Six Point Cabin where Kieran led us to. Turns out Colm killed her father and he was keepin' her hostage as he was gonna turn her in for the bounty."

Dutch raised his hand to stop him from speaking much more, "Bounty?"

"Yeah, she's Miss Barlow." He replied.

"Minnie Barlow, huh? How do you know she's tellin' the truth? Is she really who she says she is?" Dutch questioned, nodding his head as he looked at the woman as her back was turned to him as she was sat at the table with her head resting on her forearm as she fought another round of nausea.

"Just look at the 'wanted' poster, Dutch. I'm sure it's her," He begged. "She hasn't eaten for days. I told her I could take her to a doctor, but-"

"Why didn't you anyway? Then leave her there? If she's who she says she is, she should need no help from us." Dutch argued in a hushed tone.

"I wouldn't do it..." He frowned, feeling embarrassed.

"Because you have a crush?"

"No!" Arthur argued. "I'd do it to anyone else, not just her. Just let me make sure she gets back to her feet. She'd do it to one of us..." He suggested.

Dutch scoffed, "You don't know what a woman like that is capable of."

"Oh, I do. She pointed a gun to my chest when I stepped foot in that cabin. I thought she was dead. I believe all the stories." Arthur remarked.

"Okay, so if you know she's that dangerous, why is she unbound in my camp?"

"She can't do much, Dutch," Arthur frowned.

Dutch smirked, "If you're gonna have her here, she needs to earn her keep until she gets back to her feet. We're gonna have to treat her just like that O'Driscoll. Tie her up to that tree and give her what she needs. Once she feels better and gets some food in her belly, we'll question her, then decide from there."

"I don't think we should do that, Dutch." Hosea intervened, keeping his voice low.

"You gentlemen have to understand that we are wanted men. You know her history. How do we not know she's settin' us up right now? I ain't takin' no chances!" Dutch hissed.

"You fools are actin' like I'm deaf!" Minnie said, keeping her back turned to them.

Dutch shot Arthur a glare before making his way out of his tent to her, cautious in every step. Hosea and Arthur shared a look as well as a smirk, enjoying Minnie's attitude. "She's a pistol," Hosea chuckled, patting Arthur on the shoulder before following Dutch. "We got our hands full with this one, I can tell."

"That, you may be right," Arthur said, keeping his voice low as he too followed Hosea.

"Minnie Barlow, is it?" Dutch questioned.

"Unfortunately." She replied, looking down at her lap.

Dutch chuckled, "Well, you're not known to be frail and scared like this, what happened?"

Minnie rolled her eyes, "What happened? My father was killed and I was tied up like a damn mule for days with barely any food or water. Tortured by those men who call themselves O'Driscoll's. You can take me over there to that cliff and shoot me in the back of the head for all I care. I got nothing more to live for." She seethed.

Arthur frowned, his heart breaking for the poor woman as he knew she was everything he had heard about, hating how Dutch was treating her like she was a liar. In a way, he could understand where Dutch was coming from. By how Hosea told it, she worked for the Pinkerton Detective Agency for a while before she became an outlaw. She made a living in exposing crude acts and lying to get answers. The brief thought of her lying to them at that moment crossed his mind, but his gut was telling him that she was what he was seeing: a brittle and frail woman who needed help.

"That could be an option if it becomes one, Miss," Dutch replied, taking a seat across from her. "Listen, since our dear friend here has let his heart swell for the past few weeks and as much as I don't want another mouth to feed, you're welcome to stay here until you feel better, but I have to treat you just like any threat, in which you are. You get to make friends with that tree over there, so make sure you're comfortable." Dutch explained.

'You goddamn bastard,' Arthur thought to himself, glaring at Dutch.

"Hosea, you and Arthur make Miss Barlow comfortable by giving her something to eat and drink, then tie her up at that tree. Can't have her runnin' off and tellin' the law about us." Dutch demanded, standing to his feet.

"I don't think this is necessary, Dutch." Hosea said, catching him by his elbow as he was walking back towards his tent.

"Oh, it's completely necessary," Dutch replied. "Do you not remember those stories you told me? I'm not takin' any chances. If she's who we think she is, she could kill every one of us with no problem or run off and tell the law about us. If she earns her keep here, then that's how it is. But until the time being, she's our prisoner."

Arthur pursed his lips as he watched Dutch walk away before looking at Hosea, "Looks like Micah's been tellin' sweet nothin's in his ear."

"I know," Hosea shook his head. "We'll figure it out. Go take care of her, Arthur, but make sure you follow orders." He warned.

"Sure," Arthur nodded before walking to the pot to get her a bowl of stew and a tin of water, setting it down in front of her. "You need to eat." He said as he took a seat next to her, keeping his eye on her.

"I know," She frowned. "Can you just kill me now?" She asked, her hazel eyes looking into his blue orbs, the sight of her making his breathing hitch.

Arthur gulped, "I'm not doin' that, Miss."

She rolled her eyes, hiding a sly smirk, "It needs to happen soon. Beats bein' tied up like some mule."

"I know," He sighed. "But you have to understand that I have to do what I have to do. You're a dangerous woman. We can't risk someone with your background turnin' us in..."

"Someone with my background? You mean when I worked for the Pinkertons, thinking I was doin' honest work when they tried to have me killed because I knew too much so I became an outlaw?" She questioned, her brow raising.

"Y-Yes..."

"You think I'm gonna turn you in, huh?" She chuckled. "Listen here, you're right, I am dangerous, but if I was gonna turn you in, you woulda been dead by now since I done had ya by the ear back at that cabin. I'm nothing to mess with, but I'm not doin' nobody dirty. I may be an outlaw, but I don't thrive off of claiming bounties on other gangs. If they leave me alone, I leave them alone. Simple as that. I used to investigate the mob, not gangs like this. Shit, that's petty work. I was doin' big jobs in big cities, not shit like this." She explained.

Arthur's mind searched for a response as she explained herself, believing every word she was saying. His gut was telling him that she wasn't lying. "I understand, but I still have to follow orders. Now eat somethin'." He said in a low tone, biting his cheek as her words hurt him - hurt for her.

───※ ·❆· ※───

"Alright, you know the drill," Arthur said as he led her to the tree that Kieran was once tied to. She nodded as she willingly put her hands behind her back, her arms erecting chills as she felt Arthur's hands grip her wrists cautiously as he guided her back to the tree before gently tying her wrists together after she slid her back against the trunk as she sat down. "Are you uncomfortable?" He asked, his face flushed as all he wanted to do was nurture her, not make her feel like he was torturing her.

"Well, I've had my shoulders in an awkward position for a few days now, I'm sure it's now seen as normal." She replied with sarcasm to which Arthur couldn't help but chuckle at.

He knelt down to her level, "Just be on good behavior. You cooperate with Dutch, you'll be just fine. I don't want you havin' to live like this, just know that," He whispered, hoping to assure her the best he could. She nodded as she accepted her sentence before leaning her head back against the tree's trunk.

Arthur was hesitant to leave her tied, but he knew he couldn't bring much attention by constantly tending to her, even though that's all he wanted to do. He sighed as he entered his tent, sitting down slowly on his cot, pulling out his journal.

𝓘 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓘'𝓭 𝓫𝓮 𝔀𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼, 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓼 𝓑𝓪𝓻𝓵𝓸𝔀 𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓬𝓪𝓶𝓹... 𝓢𝓽𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮, 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀. 𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓲𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓰𝓸𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓪 𝓼𝓾𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓭𝓮 𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝓪 𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓶𝓹𝓼𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓱𝓮𝓻, 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝔂𝓮𝓽 𝓘 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓭 𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝓬𝓸𝓸𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝓼𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓶𝓮. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓹𝓸𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷 𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓴𝓼 𝓪𝓼 𝓲𝓯 𝓼𝓱𝓮'𝓼 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓪 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓾𝓲𝓽. 𝓣𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮'𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓶𝓸𝓼𝓽 𝓷𝓸 𝓼𝓸𝓾𝓵 𝓲𝓷 𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓮𝔂𝓮𝓼 𝓪𝓼 𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓴𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓭 𝓫𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓭 𝓒𝓸𝓵𝓶. 𝓝𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓵𝔂 𝓰𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝔂 𝓱𝓲𝓭𝓮 𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓭 𝔀𝓱𝓮𝓷 𝓘 𝓫𝓻𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓪𝓬𝓴 𝓽𝓸 𝓬𝓪𝓶𝓹 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓽𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓓𝓾𝓽𝓬𝓱, 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓪 𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝓮 𝓭𝓸𝓮𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓬𝓪𝓻𝓮. 𝓗𝓮 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓭 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓪𝓵𝓶𝓸𝓼𝓽 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓪 𝓹𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓮𝓻 𝓾𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓵 𝓼𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓴𝓼 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓲𝓷-𝓭𝓮𝓹𝓽𝓱 𝓪𝓫𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝔀𝓱𝔂 𝓼𝓱𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓼𝓱𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓲𝓯 𝓼𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓷 𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓴𝓮𝓮𝓹. 𝓔𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓘 𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓪𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓼𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝔃𝓮𝓵 𝓮𝔂𝓮𝓼, 𝓶𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓼𝓴𝓲𝓹𝓼 𝓲𝓽 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵�� 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮. 𝓘 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓼 𝓰𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓪 𝓫𝓮 𝓪 𝓭𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶 𝓘 𝓬𝓪𝓷'𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓾𝓹 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶...

"Arthur," Hosea whispered, breaking his attention from his writing. "Meet me in the mornin'?"

"Sure," Arthur nodded. "Whatchu need?"

"I may have a huntin' trip on our list..." He suggested.

"Good, I could use one!"

"What do you think Dutch is gonna have us do with her?" Hosea questioned, keeping his tone quiet.

"I don't know," Arthur shook his head. "We'll figure it out."

"Sure," Hosea nodded. "I'll check on her before I turn in for the night. Meet me after you check on her in the mornin'?"

"I'll do it."

───※ ·❆· ※───

"Did you get any rest last night?" Arthur dared to ask as he checked on her as soon as he awoke, seeing that the morning dew had moistened her clothes.

"What do you think?" She frowned. He looked at her with guilty eyes, feeling like he could have done something to prevent her from being treated this way, but he knew he had to follow the rules. He was at least grateful that she was being cooperative.

He lowered his head in shame as he thought about how her night could have possibly gone. Being cold and hungry all while trying to rest as she was tied to a tree while he slept soundly on his cot. He felt so selfish that maybe she would have been better off staying behind. "I'm sorry. Do you need me to get you anythin'? Pearson is cookin' some eggs and ham for breakfast." Arthur suggested.

"No, save it for the fortunate and worthy mouths." She replied.

He could tell by just looking at her that she needed food. She was not a skinny woman naturally as she had more of a pear shape body instead of an hourglass, but she carried herself well. "How do you like your eggs cooked?" He asked, not taking any stubbornness from her.

"Excuse me?" She asked, confused.

"You heard me," He raised his brow. "How do you like your eggs cooked?"

She looked him up and down, "And I think you heard me, Mister..." She said, suggesting an answer to her question as she wanted to know his name.

He sighed in defeat, "Arthur, Arthur Morgan."

"Well, Mister Morgan, I would gladly shake your hand and introduce myself, but I'm kinda restricted to do so," She replied with sarcasm. "But to answer your question, I do not need food as I am perfectly fine in the confines of my sentence."

She looked up at him as she watched him smirk, which was almost too attractive for her, "Not to be rude, Miss, but I don't really care what you have to say about the matter. I'll be back with some food for you."

She nodded in defeat and hung her head, feeling ashamed that she let her stubbornness get the better of her, desperately not wanting to admit that she was hungry, but she felt like she didn't deserve it.

"You gonna feed me, too?" She scoffed playfully as he soon approached her with a tin plate.

"If you wanna act like a baby, I will," He remarked. "I can untie you so that you can eat, then I gotta tie you right back up." He explained.

She nodded, "After I eat, can I please get approval to go down to the river and get a bath? I can't stand feeling like I stink." She asked hopefully.

"I don't see why not, but you'll need to be chaperoned."

"I'll sit and rot in my own filth before I have someone chaperone me while I take care of myself." She rolled her eyes.

Arthur smirked, "Well, I guess you'll sit and rot then, huh?" He teased.

"I guess so." She sighed, looking up at him as he held the plate of food in his hand before crouching to her level.

"You ready to quit bein' stubborn and eat somethin'?" He asked.

"I guess I have no choice."

Arthur nodded as he set the plate down on the ground before unsheathing his knife, cutting away the rope binding her wrists together carefully. He helped her bring her arms around to where they were sitting in front of her as she rubbed the raw skin on her wrists, clear that the rope had made a dark red mark on her flesh. She flashed Arthur a weak smile as she took the plate from his hand, slowly raising the fork to her mouth to take her first bite of food since the prior night.

"Can I trust you to sit and eat while I go talk to Hosea?" He asked.

"If you didn't trust me to begin with, you never woulda untied me." She warned.

He pursed his lips as he nodded, hating her sarcasm when all he wanted to do was help her. He thought a lot of her as a mirror of himself as he did the same thing. He always was the giver, being reluctant to accept help when he truly needed it. In a way, he couldn't blame her. She was scared and in a position where she couldn't trust anybody herself.

"Hosea." Arthur said to the old man, seeing that he was oiling his favorite rifle.

"You wanna go huntin'?" Hosea asked, seeing that he was finished tending to Minnie.

"What are you hunting, an elephant?" Arthur asked as he took the rifle from Hosea, examining it.

Hosea chuckled, "I wish! No, I saw a huge bear. One of the biggest I ever saw. I reckon nearly a thousand pounds..."

"My God. What, you need me to come with you?"

"Of course, that is if you're finished tending to Miss Barlow..." Hosea teased.

Arthur chuckled, hiding his smirk behind the brim of his hat, "You were right, that woman's a pistol. She may be in a weak state now, but she's a tough nut to crack." He admitted.

"She reminds me of a mustang whose spirit can't be broken," Hosea admitted. "Remind me to have a talk with her when we get back. She looks timid right now and I can't blame her."

"She is. Probably just where she's so used to bein' alone and losin' her father... I don't know." Arthur shrugged.

"Let's go. I'll go get the horses ready and you go check on her before we leave?" Hosea suggested, hinting that he could already see that she meant far too much to Arthur already, but he wasn't going to let him know that.

"Sure," Arthur replied as he nodded his head, turning on his heel to proceed to the task at hand. He slowly walked up to her, seeing that she had only eaten the two eggs that were cooked for her, taking little bites of the ham. "You okay?" He asked.

"I guess so," She shrugged. "Time to tie me back up now?"

"Unfortunately." Arthur frowned.

She nodded and accepted her sentence, willingly putting her arms behind her as they wrapped around the base of the tree. She was never going to admit that her legs and lower back were aching as well as her shoulders feeling out of place. Somehow, someway, she felt like she wasn't in danger anymore. Even though she was in the possession of another gang, she didn't feel like she was going to be tortured nor starved. 'I really gotta earn my keep around here...' She thought to herself as she felt Arthur's presence kneel behind her, crouching down to carefully tie the harsh rope around her wrists.

"Thank you again for bein' so cooperative, Miss." Arthur said in a low tone.

"Pleasure," She said sternly, hearing a faint chuckle from him.

"I'm gonna be gone huntin'. May be gone for a couple of days. Until I get back, Susan and Mary-Beth will be lookin' after you." Arthur explained.

"So I take it you're my assigned nursemaid?"

"Well, I did bring you here, so yeah, I am. Like it or not," He replied, somewhat agitated. "I'll be back soon."

"Yes, I long for the weary timed trial for your return," She swooned, rolling her eyes in a teasing way.

Arthur stood up and looked down at her, "You keep talkin' like that, and I won't be and I'll have old Dutch breathin' down your neck." He warned.

"So terrifying..."

"Spirited little thing, ain't ya?"

"Maybe," She teased. "Won't you go kill that bear and make a man outta yourself before I bruise your ego."

Arthur raised his brows, "Yeah, I'll bruise you." He said playfully.

"So tough! Wouldn't be the first man to put a bruise on me, 'cept I bruise harder." She warned with a playful wink.

'Goddamn this woman, already makin' my heart beat,' He thought to himself before rewarding her with a smirk before walking away. He could feel her eyes on him and he would proudly admit that he liked it.

He soon met up with Hosea, seeing the sly grin on his wrinkled face, "Your chemistry you have with her is recognizable." He said.

"I don't know what you're talkin' about." Arthur blushed as he quickly mounted his horse.

"Whatever you say," Hosea chuckled. "Let's go get this monster."

[tommasokinard]

Michael & Maria + Sweet Home New Mexico

Two ten year olds were running in the desert during a storm, a first kiss that left them figuratively and literally struck by lightning. A kiss that lead them to a wedding at 18, with a groom half drunk and a wife attending her reception by herself with puke down her dress while he slept it off.

They were so in love but too stupid to know what to do with it.

(•••)

7 years later

Micheal stepped out on his porch to see what his dog was barking about, what he saw was the last person he thought he would ever see, causing him to drop the truck part he was working on.

"Shit" he mumbled under his breath. She was still as beautiful as the day she left him.

"Stop staring and get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce" Maria said already annoyed by his presence.

"You show up here after seven years without so much as a "Hey there Micheal, remember me your wife" or a "Hi Honey! Looking good"

Maria stands there taking in his handsome face covered in grime and grease "You expect me to tell you you look good? What, they run out of soap at Walmart since I left?" Wiping the smirk off Michael's face.

He turns to walk back into the house. "What are you doing?" She yells. "Leaving. You should recognize the gesture" Michael says as the screen door shuts.

Maria let's out a huff and stomps up the porch steps "Michael! You dumb, stubborn redneck hick! The only reason you wont sign these papers is because I want you to." Micheal swings back around "Wrong! The only reason I ain't signing them is because you turned into some hoity-toity LA bitch, and I like nothing better to do right now than to piss you off!" He says as he slams the door.

Maria rolls her eyes and starts off to get the spare key.

(•••)

Maria is sitting on the couch pissed as Michael sits on the barstool drinking a beer, all of a sudden he starts laughing as he goes for the door.

Maria then notices the blue and red lights reflecting off the house. "You called the Sheriff! You know Valenti hates me" she hurries to find a place to hide but a voice stops her in her tracks.

"Well, well, look what the cat dragged in" Maria turns with a smile and runs into the arms of Max Evan's as he spins her around in a hug that she has desperately missed these past seven years. "Oh Alanis we missed you around here" Max says as he release her. "Max, I can believe you're the Sheriff now" She has missed her brother in law so much.

"Yup. Get to frisk pretty things like you all day, and get paid for it" He says with a laugh "Just don't tell Liz I said that" He winks.

Michael decides it's time to break this reunion up "Alright Maxwell, let's be a little more professional, we have a crime suspect here". Max turns to Maria putting on a stern face "Now Maria you can't be breaking into peoples houses" He tries to lead her out but she starts walking to her purse "I didn't break in, I used my key" she says holding it up. "Well, it's still not your house"

Micheal wears a triumphant smile "Use the cuffs Max, please". Again before Max can lead her away she goes back to her purse "If you get him to sign these, I'll let you run me out of town." She says with a devilish smirk that if he wasn't so ass backwards in love with Liz, he would be a goner for.

"That's none of your business" Michael says as he tries to take the papers but Max beats him to it. "Divorce papers? I though you said you took care of this Michael." Max plays along for Michael's benefit knowing full well he hasn't taken care of it. "I thought I had" Michael stammers. "Well, since you are still married this is her house too and nothing I can do, I'll let y'all catch up" Max proceeds to walk out the door as Michael starts at him "I suppose shoplifting steaks from Walmart is okay" Maria runs behind Micheal "OH! I took them back and you know it!" she points at him.

Max continues to the door and Michael tries again "You remember that vandalism in the stockyard? Totally her." Maria scoffs at him "Like I could tip a cow, by myself." Max finally makes it to the door laughing under his breath as Michael makes a final attempt.

"Max. Isn't there an outstanding warrant for the person who dumped your jeep in the fish pond" Max stops in his tracks and Maria let's out a huge betrayed gasp.

Ha. Got her.

(•••)

After a day of cleaning out their joint account and making Michael crazy by sprucing up the place and acting like a wife, she finally got him to sit down to sign the papers, but there were a couple questions on her mind that she needed the answers to.

"What are you doing with all that cash? And since when did you quit Sanders? You're not doing anything illegal, are you, Michael?"

"Maybe I am. So what? I don't ask you about your boyfriend, you keep your nose out of my life, deal?" He looked up at her and she could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Who told you?"

"Honey, just 'cause I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid." He looks back down at the papers saying softly "Nobody finds their soul mate when they're ten years old."

Maria feels like she got punched in the gut. "Yeah I guess not" she looks down at her feet. She walks over to the mantel looking at the pictures of her truck that Michael restored for her when they were 16. "I saw it in the garage when I first got here, I can't believe you kept it"

Michael looks up at her and he has never seen a more beautiful person in his life. Right then he decides he needs more time, he can't lose her again.

He looks down at his phone "Oh, hey Maria, you know what? I just remembered I have a date tonight" He stands up "You don't mind if I have my lawyer look at this right?"

"What!?" She let's out. How is it that this man can get her so riled up in 2 seconds flat.

"I'm just a simple country boy, there's words in there I can't even pronounce" He walks back to the bedroom when he hollers out "Thanks for stopping by"

Maria is beside herself and all she can do is release a breathe of frustration and stomp out of the house.

(•••)

After crashing Michael's date (which was NOT out of jealousy) with a really nice guy named Alex and making a complete ass of herself in front of all her friends she wakes up with a hangover and divorced papers signed on every line, every I doted.

This is what she wants, this is what she came home for. Then why does she feel so hollow?

Maria climbs up to the top of the Crashdown Cafe to finish her apology tour. Liz is already there hands resting on a rounded belly. Maria's heart aches at the sight, for joy for her friends and sorrow for what she lost at 18.

Liz looks up at her approaching and just like that Maria's let's it all out, neverending flow of tears as Liz pulls her down into her arms "I'm so sorry I left." Liz sushes her with "I know" with so much more understanding than she deserves.

With the tears and apologies out of the way Liz let's something slip in hopes that it will help heal her broken friends.

"He went out to California"

Maria is stunned.

"A year after you left. Michael doesn't know I know, Max let it slip one night. He told him he hadn't seen anything like it, saw how happy you were singing on stage, he knew right then he would need more than an apology to win you back."

Maria was still speechless. More tears were building in her eyes as Liz continued.

"He needed to concour the world first, hes been trying ever since."

"That's why he kept sending back the papers" she said with realization. Liz nodded.

"He went back to UNM and graduated at the top of his class. He's started restoring old trucks and selling them all over the country"

So that explains all the money she thought to herself. Michael was finally becoming the man she always knew he could be.

(•••)

"Thought I'd find you out here"

Michael turned his head to the voice as she joined him on the bed of his truck.

"Still love watching the storms roll in, some things never change" she said as she bumped him with her shoulder.

The two of them just watched the sky in the middle of the desert as the storm rolled in.

"Can't get a view like this out in California can ya Deluca?" He asked still looking out at the horizon unaware of her looking at him not the sky as she replied "No, you can't"

A moment goes by before she speaks again "Ever wonder what would have happened, if" Michael cut her off "We hadn't have gotten pregnant?" Maria nods her head. Michael takes a swig of his beer as he gets his thought together.

"I thought that baby would be an adventure. And it took me a while to realize, it would have been your only adventure. I wanted so much more for your life than to be stapped down with a kid and a husband going nowhere at the age of 18. So I didn't fight you when you left." Maria could see the tears in his eyes.

"I just needed a different life, after we lost the baby, I was just in so much pain" Maria said wanting him to know that she didn't leave because of anything he did.

"You done real well for yourself. I'm proud of you, Maria". He stopped her from saying more. Michael finally turned to look at her and rested his hand on her cheek wiping away a tear.

"I'm just sorry I never danced with you at our wedding, I'm sure this next one's gonna go better for ya."

Maria couldn't take it anymore and brought her lips to his and poured all her emotions into the kiss, hurt, sorrow, love. Michael started kissing back just as much as she was but he was about to do the hardest thing he ever had to do, he pulled back.

"Maria, you have a fiancee, you need to go" Maria pulled back feeling rejection and shame and without a word hopped off the truck and ran to her car.

(•••)

What do you do when you fiancee shows up and promises to give you the life you always dreamed of?

You plan a wedding.

Walking down the aisle and this should be the happiest day of your life but you know this is not right. As if on queue you see your lawyer running down the aisle and you tell him Michael signed the papers and yes that is true but you didn't.

Knowing you can't marry this man you tell him you gave your heart away a long time ago and never got it back.

You tell your friends and family to stick around your going to go find yourself a groom.

(•••)

It's raining when she gets to his garage Liz told her he owns. He's under the truck in the open bay when he hears Maria say

"Hey Cowboy, you owe me a dance"

He gets up and meets her out in the rain, the water making his curls she loves so much disappear.

"Nice dress, where's your husband?"

"I'm looking at him, apparently you and I are still married"

Michael can't say anything hes blown away with how gorgeous she looks in that dress soaking wet. What she says next makes him want to kill Max.

"Why didn't you tell me you came to see me in California?"

"I had to make something of myself."

"You about done?" She throws at him.

"What is it about you girls? You can't make the right decisions til you tried all the wrong ones?"

"At least I fight for what I want." Not backing down.

"Oh, what do you want, Maria? I don't even think you know."

"You're the first boy I ever kissed, Michael and I want you to be the last."

"Maybe you and I had our chance." He says as he starts to walk away from her.

"Fine! Have it your way, you stubborn ass!" She says running after him. Michael finally stops and turns around.

"Why do you want to be married to me for, anyhow?" Maria walks over to him and puts her hands on both his cheeks.

"So I can kiss you any time I want."

Michael can't hold it in anymore and pulls her into an earth shattering kiss that makes them feel like their world snapped back into place. Michael releases her and whispers

"I love you so much"

"Baby, you have no idea how much I love you too" Michael pulls her back into him.

Eventually they make it to the reception and finally have their first dance.

Michael has never been so happy, until one night three months later when they're cuddled up by the fireplace and Maria whispers the words "I'm pregnant"

[reading-hub]

Dandy And The Jet 🚀 [3] To Boobies, Baby!

- Space Dandy x reader -

[part 2]

- - - - -

The digital transmission hidden underneath your jacket that was made by Bea so it was easy to update on the mission with Admiral Perry. You were explaining the events that were leading up to today, from that one-sided crazy bar fight, being able to escape said bar fight, having the opportunity to escape with Dandy's crew inside the "Aloha Oe" to now.

“So, you’ve already made your way to his inner circle?”

You hid within the hallways, luckily nobody hadn't woken up yet. Although that little wheeled robot named QT had this obsession with cleaning early, so your not exactly in the clearing yet...

"Yes, I have. His crew was surprisingly welcoming despite them being alien hunters.." You responded, remembering your last experience with some alien hunters in the past...

"I don't care about them! What about the target, how's is he taking in your presence? Has he suspected anything about you since your arrival?" Admiral was obviously cautious about you being found out in a short time. You rolled your eyes slightly.

You sighed and answered. "Well, he was questioning my position when I took the wheel, but nothing really about me.” Admiral sighed in relief, guess that's good news?

"Very well, just keep pursuing on the target at all times, don't let him slip through your fingers. We're so close yet so far." The burning skeleton commanded. "I will, sir." You agreed, transmission ended.

"Hello miss [f/n]!" You jumped slightly, turning around to see the little robot QT and his broom. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Did I startle you?" QT said in a worried tone. The robot really was the sweetest.

"Don't worry, er, I was just looking around the ship..." You smiled looking at the inter-galactic gears and such.

Now that I mentioned it, this ship is pretty huge, this must've cost a fortune, maybe Dandy is a successful alien hunter after all if he was able to afford such a ship and all...

You shrugged it off and looked at QT. "So uh, you clean up around the ship when everybody's asleep?" You asked, continuing the conversation with the little robot.

"I clean up anyway, even if everyone's awake or not." Saying in their autotuned voice, which is a bit adorable. "I really like cleaning," QT said simply.

"That's one hell of a favorite thing to do. I rarely ever hear someone say that sentence, ever." You chuckled a little. "So anyway, what exactly is the schedule around here?" You asked, changing the subject.

"Schedule?" QT said confused. "Oooh!" The male robots autotune sang in harmony. "To be quite honest, there really isn't one." They shrugged, your eyes quirked a little in surprise and confusion. "The only real mundane place that Dandy likes to go to most of the time is a place called Boobies," QT answered.

"Boobies?" Your whole facade went full-on confusion with what the innocent robot said so casually. "Yeah, it's this restaurant that Dandy really likes going to a lot but the paycheck is more than what we normally have so its tough for Dandy to accept when we don't have enough to go." The robot explained.

Huffing a little in response, "Judging by the name of this restaurant, I can tell why Dandy would like going there." Both QT and You laughed right after.

"Geez, you giggling pre-teens woke me up." Looks like your quality conversation with QT is over thanks to a grumpy pompadour. Speaking of pompadour, Dandy was hiding his hair using his blanket that he dragged along the floor without a care.

"Now if you excuse me, girlies, I gotta take a shower. This hair ain't gonna fix itself!" Dandy boasted proudly as if you were gonna swoon over him right when he gets out.

"We should probably check and see if Meow is awake, though I highly doubt it," QT grumbled as we walked to the main room of the ship. "How long does it usually take for everyone to be awake by?" You asked jokingly. "I'd say around 02:00 in standard time," QT answered quickly, looking at his watch that miraculously appears out of nowhere!

"It's nine-forty." You questioned immediately. “How long does it take for Dandy to finish up in there?" The robot rolled his screen eyes thinking of Dandy's precious timing.

"I'd say two hours, one if today's a lucky day." QT hoped.

"Dang." Was all you could say to that. The guys that you use to know hated when a woman took too long getting ready and didn't really care for their hair products. Needless to say, this Dandy guy was something else and nobody you’ve met before.

-

After talking with QT for two hours or so, you both sat at the dining table, if you call it that. You can easily tell by the crew that they didn't seem the type to eat breakfast together in a table.

QT was nice enough to make you a single cup of coffee. Luckily he was able to find some coffee beans after looking up and down in the cabinets. Wasn't a lot but you could manage either way. You wondered if he was able to have any human-like food?

You both shared a few things, like past stories. QT shared a lot about the past adventures him and Dandy have been through. A booby monster, plant people, and said something about zombies but I kinda lost track since all them were just bat-shit crazy all on their own.

You on the other hand only shared ones that were pretty tame when compared to theirs. Warning the robot that your adventures aren't really exciting to tell compared to what they told.

QT seemed interested with what you told him anyway, but you also didn’t want to overshare too much.

"What are you guys talking about?" The yawning came from Meow who was shuffling his feet, he must be still tired even though he's slept longer than the rest of us combined.

"[F/n] has been telling me about her adventures.” The robot said with glee, you couldn't help but smile in embarrassment when QT showed some exciting interest in your stories. "Whoa really?" Meow was obviously interested. All you could do was shrug in embarrassment.

It has been a while since people actually listen to what I had to say...

Meow just asked upon millions of questions each time you telling more and more details of the time you able to hold your own against the likes of humanoid monsters and crazy ex’s throughout the galaxy.

"Does that mean you know some close combat?" QT asked politely. "Yeah, and a bit of gun firing as well," You replied.

"So are you like some kind of superhero?" Meow smiled and pulled out his phone. “I'm not even close to a superhero."

True, you really weren’t . You were basically the big, bad, villain's accomplice, you know the ones where they trick the good guys into thinking that she's one of them now and then double-crosses them saying how "I am not who you think I am!" And then they laugh evilly.

The sad truth is that I don't think I can laugh evil.

"Is Dandy out of the shower yet? I really need to use the restroom." You said, obviously frustrated. QT grumbled, "Eh, probably putting his hair gel right about now..." You didn’t care, You just stood up and just tell Dandy to step out real quick so that you can go!

Storming off back to the hallway where you had that transmission call with Admiral and then that talk to QT later on.

Stopping your tracks, you noticed that the bathroom door had a small crack open. You could only guess Dandy got out and is probably changing back in his room? You hoped, otherwise he's gonna think you’re peeping on him, which he'll probably find flattering, you however were not intending on that.

Slowly walking towards the steamthat was seeping through the cracked door, Lights full white, You were hoping he forgot to turn off when he left...shit!

Peering through and - goddammit! - he's there! Oh well, at least he has a towel on, even if that towel is low cut and will probably fall off easily...fuck!

He was drying up his hair with another towel. The towel was off from his head, and you got a clear view of his shaggy natural hair!

Your eyes went full surprised. He really wasn't that bad looking without the hair gel, You certainly didn’t understand why he has to hide it...

Oh well.

You felt as though you were peeping a little too long.. you just booked it outta there! Maybe you should hold your bladder until he actually leaves the bathroom next time...

-

Sprinting back to the lounge, you know what you’ll just call it that since you refuse to call it a "dining room" or a "kitchen".

Meow and QT were still hanging around where you last talked to them. "That was quick," Meow said in surprise. You took a few breaths and replied, "Yeah, turns out I didn't really need to go." You said in relief.

A few minutes later, a wild Dandy appears behind you! "You're finally out of the shower?" You said in a bored tone. "You know if you wanted to take a shower with me, you could've asked?" He suggested slyly. Sadly, he had his pompadour back, kinda wishing to see his hair down. QT decided to change the subject.

"Nevermind that, where are we going, Dandy?"

Dandy's attention was at the robot. "To boobies, baby!" He boasted proudly. "Boobies, you mean that ‘breastaurant’ that QT was telling me about?" I jumped in with air quotes.

Dandy's face freaked a little. "QT, YOU TOLD HER ABOUT BOOBIES!?"

"Don't pin it on them, since I agreed to be apart of this crew, I was probably gonna find out anyway, no use of hiding it.." You said in defense. "She's got ya there, man.” Meow commented on the sideline.

All Dandy could do was have his lips curl, pouting like a child because you had a point.

"Alright, just don't take the fun out of Boobies for me, ok?" Dandy whined slightly at me. You shrugged it off, "Don't plan on it."

"Hey QT, how much we got for Boobies?" He called out to the robot. "Hm, probably enough. But Dandy, I thought we were going to spend this money for--" QT was cut from his words by Dandy.

"Nevermind that QT, we could always just hunt for a rare alien and get double the money back!"

Something tells me that this is just gonna be one those days...you know, the ones where shit gets fucked and it could've been avoided by just listening and following the obvious from earlier.

Yeah...those...

The four of you have arrived at Boobies. You really didn’t have an expectation of what this breastrant would look like, but seeing it right in front of your very eyes, it hit the nail on head.

You weren’t one to judge. We all have our guilty pleasures in life. Some like eating a bag of chips on a slow day, some like the smell of a certain candle that keeps them at ease, and some like a ditzy waitress who dresses little to the imagination to take their order while also small talk to on a daily basis.

You took a seat between QT and Meow, Dandy sat across from you. Small tension was between you and Dandy for a full two minutes. Dandy obviously not a fan of you being at Boobies with them. You couldn’t care less what he thought about you at that time, you just wanted to eat something, pay half of the check, possibly tip the waitress, and go back to the ship.

Before it can be anymore silent—

“Hey boys, how are we doing today?” You looked up, only to see a young blonde waitress, eyes looked as if full of innocence. She was quite pretty, you admit to yourself. “Oh my, I’m sorry, and how you today, miss?” Her wide eyes immediately directed towards you. Her tone was that of surprise and joy. Possibly because of how rare it is to have female customers here, you guess.

“I’m okay, thank you though.” You replied, smiling faintly at the blonde. “Yeah, we’re good today, too.” Dandy said after, his palm holding his jaw in boredom. The blonde beamed happily. “Dandy, who is she? Is she a new friend of yours?” She egged him on. Obviously curious about who you were. You’d think that this waitress is close friends with Dandy, given how easily she’s able to hold a conversation with him.

“No Honey, me and crew met her yesterday.” He explained, smirking with confidence. “Although an initiation of the Space crew in the talks.” In talks? You could’ve sworn he agreed to you being apart of the crew the first day you two met. You looked at him sideways, just what is he trying to get at?

“An initiation? That must be so fun! When is it??” Honey looked at him with answers. Dandy slumped on the booth, smug as all hell. He’s gonna get punched so bad when we get back to the ship. “Actually, initiation starts today.” He boasted.

“It is?” Honey asked excited.

“It is?” You reiterated sarcastically, wondering where this was going.

“It is.” Dandy conceded.

Before Dandy could be anymore proud of himself of having you put in a tight situation, hook line and sinker...

“Since when did we propose for an initiation for future crew members?” QT popped up with a sudden question out of nowhere. “We didn’t have one for Meow now that I think about it...” the robot added, while Dandy’s eyes widen, nervously.

“It’s a new thing I made up!” Dandy interjected. “I forgot to tell you and Meow about..” he explained, hoping the damn robot keeps thier mouth shut. “Okaaay, what’s the first stage of initiation then?” QT asked after.

Meow looked up from his phone, seeing what was unfolding right in front of him.

Dandy could only grind his teeth, thinking of one on the top of his head and try not to look stupid. Than, a light switched on his head!

“[f/n], our lovely new recruit here has to pay for the check.” Douche. That was all that popped in your head soon after.

Well, I have space skeleton demi-god and a pimp gorilla looking over me like vultures, I’m being labeled as a last resort plan to capturing Dandy, and being apart of his crew is the only shot I can get to getting closer to finishing my mission. No pressure.

Ok Dandy, I’ll play along.

“Well, if it’s what I have to do, than so be it.” You agreed, getting a little too confident.

“Alright!” Dandy rubbed his hands together in anticipation. This was too fun for him.

The food orders were now final.

Dandy made it easier by just having you pay for the ‘Captain’s Meal’, aka Dandy and yourself. Meow just ordered for soup and a soda, QT just wanted some juice. You wondered if the robot could actually consume foods...

Your order was that of a space meat fillet that you thought looked good on the menu and your choice of two sides.

However, Dandy knew he had you by his finger and went all out. Two large chucks of meat, topped with chili, cheese, a ramen bowl, and a slushee that was most likely child size.

He looked as smug and pampered as they came at that moment. The food came in.

Meow’s and QT ‘s came first since their orders were small and simple. Your’s came second. Dandy’s was last, the meal was so huge that Honey needed another waitress to help her bring it to the table.

You rolled your eyes at how Dandy was making a big deal out of this.

-

Meow and QT were done with thier orders a long time ago. You just finished your own meal. Dandy on the other hand, still had halfway to go. I guess Dandy didn’t think though how big of an order his was compared to everyone else.

“You’re not gonna finish that.” Meow commented as he was scrolling his phone. He pouted his lip in response. “Nope, I’m not gonna give in to the temptation of losing.” Dandy replied, hiding away the worry.

“Losing what? I’m the one paying for your meal.” You said suddenly. “How about we just ask to box it for to-go.” You suggested. You honestly felt a little bad. He looked like a small boy who feels bad for not finishing his dinner. It was honestly kinda cute at this state.

Wait what?

“Fine!” He gave in, crossing his arms in the process. You perked up at the waitress who was walking past your table, and asked if they’re was a to-go box for a meal like Dandy’s.

Honey came in with the check, the total of Dandy’s meal itself was almost 300 yen, your own meal was around 30. Luckily, you secretly tapped Honey’s shoulder and gave the ditzy blonde a coupon for Boobies when Dandy wasn’t looking. You knew holding onto that coupon would benefit you one day.

The crew got their things together before heading out. Dandy begrudgingly holding onto his box that had his meal.

It was already midnight by the time you guys came out of the breastaurant. All of got into ship, one by one. All tired from eating. Seeing how exhausted you looked, Dandy took the liberty of stirring the ship with QT tonight. How nice.

Guess him being nice was just a thank you for putting up with him today at Boobies.

Before you could relax your eyes, Dandy shouted out:

“Whoops, forgot to get gas!” He nervously smiled through his teeth.

“ARGGHHH!!!” You, Meow, and QT loudly responded.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Your lot is doing Summer in Dublin then Buster: Yeah Buster: As standard Rio: Yeah Rio: thought with the move you might not Buster: You thought wrong then Rio: alright Rio: how are you? Buster: Don't Rio: It matters Buster: It didn't last week or whenever the fuck you last spoke to me Rio: Don't need me to tell you things have changed though Buster: But here you are, spelling it out for me, babe Buster: So cheers Rio: that's not what I'm trying to do Buster: What are you trying to do? Rio: ask you how you're doing Rio: to give you a chance to talk, if you wanted it Buster: Well now you have, guess that means we're done Rio: You don't wanna talk about it Buster: Talk about what? Rio: The baby Rio: your brother Buster: I ain't got a brother Rio: You were going to Buster: I'm gonna do loads of things, you don't wanna hear about any of 'em Rio: Go on Rio: try me Buster: I ain't some cunt that's all talk, you can see for yourself if you're around this summer Rio: yeah? Buster: There's not gonna be much in the way of parental supervision, like Buster: Gotta make the most of that Rio: Makes sense Buster: I'll take that Rio: Fair Rio: have you seen your new house, what's it like Buster: Big Rio: Descriptive Rio: send me a link or something Buster: You can just say you wanna see my room Rio: You're stupid Rio: suppose you've already claimed the biggest one Buster: 'Course 'cause I ain't stupid Rio: Lucky you Rio: I always have to share with at least one other person Buster: I don't even have to share a bathroom with Nance, we've both got our own Buster: Perks of being the only kids who made it this far, like Rio: It's something, yeah? Buster: It's everything Buster: My status as fave remains intact, every day you've got siblings coming for yours Buster: Can't catch a break, can you, Cavante? Always the unlucky one Buster: [does send her a link for that brag] Rio: I'm glad Rio: and it is big Rio: looks nice Buster: I wasn't lying Buster: I don't need to Rio: Didn't think you were Rio: just surprised Buster: What's surprising? Rio: All the stuff you'll have to buy to fill it Buster: Couple of shopping trips'll sort it Buster: You know what it's like once you start Rio: Yeah Rio: be fun to do Buster: If I didn't know you better I'd reckon you were angling for an invite Rio: Yeah right Rio: for Nancy's room, maybe Buster: You having this same convo with her? No doubt she'll let you hit the shops with her Rio: Not currently Rio: keep it in mind though Buster: Come on, what's she saying? Buster: You can tell me Rio: I ain't Rio: why would I say otherwise if I was Buster: Why would you be checking on me and not her? Buster: Giving yourself away there, babe Rio: Plenty of reasons Buster: Nah, just the one Rio: You reckon? Buster: I know Buster: Like I said, she's no competition Buster: I'm easily everyone in this fam's fave and that includes you Rio: Let's not get carried away Rio: I'm just being nice Buster: Fuck that, you feel sorry for me Buster: Don't get carried away with that shit Buster: In fact, don't bother with it in the first place Rio: No, I'm sorry something really shit happened to you and your family Rio: that's not the same thing Buster: Nothing happened to me, write in a card to my mum and dad if it'll make you feel better Rio: well it did Rio: but you can ignore it if you want Buster: And what the fuck would you even know about what did or didn't happen anyway Rio: the baby died Buster: Yeah and I mean, who have you ever lost? Buster: You don't know fuck all Rio: I didn't say I got it Buster: Good 'cause you clearly don't Buster: He can't have died if he never took a breath, can he? He wasn't alive Rio: Alright Buster: My dad already sorted me a boxing club before this so I will be Buster: Can't and won't speak for the rest, like I said, you'll have to hit them up to hear that Rio: That's good Rio: I will do Rio: Nance, obviously Rio: not your parents Buster: They're fair game as long as you ain't expecting anything back Buster: Nothing personal, obviously Rio: I'm not going to bother them Rio: not a total idiot Buster: Just me then Buster: You're really proving me right about how special I am Buster: Even if you ain't more excited about the Chelsea champ I'm about to become Rio: I don't think living in the postcode is a requirement Rio: or will do you any favours but you know Rio: all the best players get discovered when they're kids don't they Buster: I reckoned it had a nice ring to it, that's all Buster: Yeah, that's why I'm telling you to watch this space Buster: You can say you knew me when Rio: Gee, thanks Rio: I'll be too busy living my best life but if I'm asked, like Buster: You're never gonna come watch me? Rio: That depends, obviously Buster: I'll obviously win if that's what you're worried about Buster: No need to drown our sorrows Rio: Wasn't Rio: though I'm glad I won't have to see you vom again Rio: depends who my mega rich husband plays for Rio: got to be loyal, like Buster: Yeah, to me Buster: Blood's thicker than his wage packet Rio: Now it is, suddenly Buster: What's that meant to mean? Rio: Well you're telling me to piss off right now but in the future I've gotta ditch my husband for you, yeah? Buster: Yeah, 'cause I ain't said anything of the sort Buster: What I've actually said is I'll see you around this summer Rio: It was implied Buster: Why, 'cause I don't wanna be the guest of honour at some pity party you're trying to throw me? Buster: Don't be a baby Rio: It's not a pity party, you said you're alright and I said the same back Rio: was just asking, weren't I Buster: Of all the shit you could ask me Rio: What do you want to be asked then Buster: When have I ever made life that easy for you? Buster: I know we haven't talked for ages but come on Rio: Again, now you admit it weren't a week, like Rio: just come out and say you wanna keep chatting longer tbh Buster: You first Buster: I wasn't the one who started this convo Buster: You can just say you miss me, babe Rio: Why would I say a thing like that Buster: 'Cause it's true Rio: yeah, 'course Rio: 🙄 Buster: Yeah, 'course Buster: But you can ignore it if you want Rio: Shut up Buster: Make me Rio: Could, easily Rio: but as I'm being nice, despite how hard you like to make it Buster: Do it then Buster: Nobody asked you to be nice Buster: It's boring Rio: Not here to entertain you Rio: or tarnish my 😇 soul thank you Buster: If you're not gonna distract me, what's the point? Buster: There's a long line of cunts waiting to be sorry for my loss Rio: Not what I was offering Rio: was to talk, properly Rio: how many cunts have tried that yet Buster: They know better than to try anything with me, why don't you? Rio: 'cos I know AND do better Rio: obviously Buster: Yeah? Buster: Prove it Rio: to you? Buster: Obviously Rio: Like I said, easy Buster: Like I said, do it then Rio: What do you think I'm gonna do here and now Rio: wait and see, weren't it? Buster: You're not gonna do anything 'cause you're full of shit clearly Buster: My first instinct of you knowing fuck all was right is all we've proved Rio: I'm here doing shit still Rio: but forcing you to have any kind of actual conversation would be counterproductive Rio: even if I could, I won't Buster: What do you want me to say? Buster: I'd love to know what you think an actual conversation about any of this shit would look like Buster: I'm not a little fucking girl Rio: Didn't say you were Rio: and as long as you're saying what you want to say Rio: fine by me Buster: I'm not gonna say shit I don't want to Buster: Why would I? Rio: Loads of reasons people do Rio: but you don't need to Buster: What do I need to do then? Buster: Come on Rio: What's right for you Rio: for now Rio: like I said, you wanna forget about it or pretend, then have a go Buster: Cheers for the permission Rio: It ain't Rio: isn't what I'd recommend or anything but you gotta do what you gotta do Buster: Like I said, who died and made you the expert? Rio: Why are you assuming I'm right and you're wrong Rio: unless you've got doubts, I ain't putting them there Buster: Shut up Rio: Fine Buster: Don't fine me Buster: Fuck you Rio: You want me to say no, I won't shut up Rio: what Buster: Get out of my head Rio: You wanna be alone in it Buster: I am Rio: you don't have to be Buster: Yeah I do Rio: why? Buster: What do you mean why? Buster: It's already happened, no takebacks Rio: 'course there is Buster: You don't get it so get out Rio: I know your parents are Rio: you can't get them right now Rio: but there are other people too Buster: What do I need other people for? Buster: What can they do? Rio: Make it so you aren't alone Buster: Bullshit Rio: they can try Buster: There's no fixing this Buster: It's done Rio: no, of course not Rio: it'll always be there Rio: but pretending it don't matter isn't the only way you can feel alright about it Buster: I already told you, it don't matter to me Buster: If you want someone to be gutted that they ain't gotta spend their time covered in baby shit or years looking out for another person that ain't me Rio: Then there's nothing I can say but fine Rio: what else can I say to that Buster: It ain't stopped you so far Rio: I'll give up and you can be happy about that and all Rio: you're welcome, like Buster: Good Buster: Don't take your bullshit to Nance either, yeah? Buster: She's fine too Rio: I can talk to her if I want Buster: I'm telling you, you can't Buster: So you can't Rio: You can't tell me what to do, is right Buster: I just did Rio: Well sorry to burst your bubble but I won't be listening Buster: Leave her alone or you'll be sorry, like Rio: Oh, shut up, Buster Rio: anyone normal would appreciate the concern, so she'll be fine Buster: She's already fine Buster: and there's fuck all she needs from you even if she wasn't Rio: I can still tell her I'm here if she does need me Rio: you can't stop me, or make out like that's a fucked up thing to do Buster: Upsetting her by bringing all this up is a fucked up thing to do Rio: It only just fucking happened Rio: she'll be upset regardless Rio: and knowing we all give a shit how she feels might bring a tiny bit of comfort if nothing else Buster: She's got me to give a shit how she feels Buster: She doesn't need family members who only come out the woodwork for drama or whatever the fuck Rio: So you're gonna stop her having anyone else, just because you don't want 'em Rio: you don't own her, she can tell me as much herself as and when Rio: and that's not me, fuck you Buster: Who the fuck else are you? Like I said when you first started trying this bullshit, you didn't give a fuck about how we were before this Rio: I talk to her all the time Rio: I don't talk to you because this is about how it goes Buster: We both know why you don't talk to me Buster: If you so badly want me to stop pretending, try it yourself Rio: We don't need to talk about that Rio: was ages ago Buster: Well, in that case, I can't wait for this to have happened ages ago if it means we'll have no reason to talk again Rio: Give it time Buster: Anything else? Buster: You got any other bullshit our parents normally say that you wanna recycle or are you finally running out now Rio: Like yours have, yeah? Buster: Probably not a good time for you to try and slag mine off to be honest, babe Rio: It's not as if they and you don't have bigger problems so not really Buster: Bigger problems than a dead kid? How do you reckon? Rio: Bigger problems than me 'slagging them off' Buster: I see what you're trying to do with it though, normally that'd work on me Buster: Give it time Rio: and that's the least of my concerns but 👍 Buster: You started this convo to get me to talk so it obviously isn't Buster: And really you should take any way in Buster: Whatever you can get, like Rio: Not a therapist Rio: that's what they do Rio: I said you can bullshit for yourself, not that I need to hear it Buster: Stop acting like one then Buster: Jesus, you used to be more fun than this Rio: Not in the mood Rio: funnily enough Buster: Yeah, well funnily enough I'm not in the mood to sit here and talk about how shit everything is Rio: 'cos if you ignore it hard enough it'll stop being shit Rio: solid theory, probably Buster: You ever seen your dad cry? I'm fairly confident he wanted me to ignore that 'cause of how hard he tried to act like he wasn't Rio: It must be shit being a dad Rio: you have to be the strong one for everyone else too, regardless Buster: That's being a man, whether you have kids or not Rio: But you're only doing it for yourself, if you ain't got them Rio: or at least a wife or whatever Buster: That'd make it harder wouldn't it? Just doing it for yourself, on your own with no fallback Buster: Gotta be easier if you're a dad and can focus on what everyone else needs Rio: Yeah Rio: but technically, you wouldn't have to, if no one is looking Buster: You would if you didn't wanna be a pussy Buster: 'Cause what kind of life is that Rio: You can be upset by shit and still not let it eat you up Rio: do something about it, you know Rio: not one extreme or the other Buster: If it's not an extreme thing, maybe Buster: Like some cunt cutting you off in traffic or whatever Rio: because there's nothing you can do about this Rio: 'cept just Rio: live through it and with it Buster: You're not as stupid as you've been acting this whole time then Buster: Good to know Rio: I've not been acting nothing Rio: wanting to say the right thing and being able to are two different things Buster: So say you don't know Rio: Oh yeah, Hi, I don't know what to say Rio: that's less useful than having a go Buster: It'd be better than acting like you're got all the answers when you don't Buster: And trying to give 'em to me Rio: That's not what I was trying to do Buster: Could've fooled me, like Buster: Every cunt thinks they know how I feel or are trying to tell me how I should Rio: I was just trying to ask Rio: I said Rio: you'll do what you gotta, you're not a total idiot all the time Buster: I'm surprised you remember what I'm like Buster: It's been ages Rio: say it's been that long is a bit dramatic though Buster: Aren't I allowed to be dramatic though? Buster: Unfair if not Rio: I remember you don't have much interest in what you are and aren't allowed to do anyway so Rio: doesn't matter Buster: It won't matter if I have a drink then Buster: So long as I remember brandy's shit Rio: what are you going to have Buster: Whatever else I can find Buster: Shame you ain't here to help me look or keep a look out Rio: flattered you trust me with either, like Buster: You were always good for either Buster: Unlike Nance Rio: all got to have our uses Rio: I won't talk to her, if you really think it'll upset her too much Buster: Like you said, she'll be upset if you do or don't Buster: That's not the problem Rio: Yeah Rio: goes without saying Rio: and it's probably just another stupid thing to say Rio: but I'm sorry Buster: You didn't kill him Buster: And you'd probably make her feel better or some shit Rio: Alright Rio: it won't be like this Rio: probably Rio: she's not as much of a twat as you, like Buster: Cheers Buster: All gotta have our uses, babe Buster: Mine just happens to be winding you up Rio: You do it well Buster: 'Course Buster: I do everything well Buster: It's why I'm the fave Rio: So you keep saying Buster: Until you at least try and argue back, I've gotta Rio: can't deny facts, don't need to argue them Rio: 👸 me Buster: Princesses are shit, why would you wanna be like that? Rio: How are they shit? Buster: What else would you call waiting around to be saved and kissed and all that bullshit? Rio: they aren't even like that anymore Rio: and better than being a 🤴 Rio: they barely had names, nevermind stories beyond showing up at the end when all the shit had settled down Buster: I'm just saying, if you want something fucking get it Buster: And who cares about a name if you can have a ⚔ Rio: maybe they wanna be kissed and saved, they get that Buster: Shit thing to want Buster: If you can have anything Rio: Yeah, a sword is well better Buster: A fight is Rio: 🙄😏 Buster: You should have a go Buster: You'd like it Rio: I'm not getting lumpy ears and a wonky nose, thanks Buster: Learn to block and keep your guard up then Buster: It ain't difficult Rio: I'll leave it to you, still Buster: I didn't wanna teach you anyway Rio: you didn't offer Buster: You saying you'd change your mind if I did offer? Rio: Summer is long Rio: have to find shit to do Buster: Alright then Buster: I'll show you how to save yourself, princess Rio: Alright Rio: no ⚔s Buster: I don't need 'em so neither will you after I'm done teaching you what I know Rio: You're on, McKenna Buster: I'm always on, babe Buster: Too much to do to switch off Rio: Really Rio: like what Buster: Like becoming more famous than your future first husband Rio: That's so rude 😒😂 Buster: It's rude that I've gotta go that hard to get your attention Buster: You could just cheer for me Rio: Not enough that all the Chelsea supporters will be, nah Buster: There's no such thing as enough Buster: It's gotta be all or nothing Rio: Never gonna please everyone Buster: I will everyone who's watching Rio: 👌 Buster: You'll see if you're there Buster: Just that good Rio: If you're even half as good as you brag, sure it'll be impressive Buster: 😒😂 Rio: Guess I'll see you around then Buster: Yeah Rio: Really Rio: not gonna hit me with a final 'hope not'? Buster: I wouldn't have said it first if I was gonna Rio: just not wanting to speak to me ever again, like Rio: okay Buster: I'm replying now Buster: If I didn't want to, I'd just be reading Rio: not gonna talk to myself am I Buster: I don't know Rio: 🙄 Rude Rio: you aren't the only one with things to do Buster: Well, I'm off the to-do-list now, yeah? Buster: Good deed done Buster: Not that leaving me to drink alone qualifies, like Rio: Reckoned that was what you wanted so, does Rio: 'Well, in that case, I can't wait for this to have happened ages ago if it means we'll have no reason to talk again' is a decent enough hint, like Buster: Rio Rio: Yeah? Buster: I don't know Buster: Forget it Rio: why Buster: What? Rio: why do we have to forget it Buster: Life's a headfuck right now Buster: If you really need a why Rio: yeah Rio: it is and I do Buster: Or we can say that once I've got this drink down me I'll likely forget loads anyway Buster: And I'll definitely chat more bullshit than I already have Rio: Might not be the sensible thing to do, or right or Rio: whatever Rio: but its probably the only so Rio: go ahead Buster: When have I ever done the sensible or right thing? You've got the wrong twin Rio: Easy mistake to make Buster: That's well offensive Buster: Worse than the taste of this Rio: plug your nose Buster: You should've given me those instructions when I wiped the thick layer of dust off the bottle, but cheers Buster: Worked out why it was still there though, ain't we Rio: 😷 Rio: you know the drill Rio: just pretend its medicine and get it down Buster: Easy enough when it tastes like it is Rio: bottoms up, boy Rio: I'd say I'd virtually join you but not anywhere long enough for shit to collect dust so Buster: How many 🎄🎁s do you reckon it's been in the cupboard? Rio: Probably since before we were born, like all things we're meant to forget about 🙄 Buster: How am I meant to forget about him? Rio: I don't know Rio: do you want to Buster: Maybe Buster: I think my mum and dad want me to Rio: Yeah? Rio: Maybe they're just not ready to talk about it yet, like Buster: Like you said, it's what this family does Buster: Loads of things we're meant to pretend never happened Rio: Has it ever actually worked, though Rio: we all still remember it, we're just meant to shut up about it Buster: Ask me in the future Buster: We can find out if it works or not Rio: Alright Rio: remind me in however many years Buster: Alright Buster: Since you've reminded me to remind you Buster: Do you reckon I'll always feel like this? Rio: I don't think anything stays the same forever Rio: so you've got a good chance that no, you won't Rio: sometimes better, sometimes worse Buster: Do you really not? Rio: Yeah Rio: everything is always different for me Rio: new countries, new siblings, whatever Rio: might be nice if some things stayed but Rio: I don't think so Buster: I think it's a pretty safe bet that I'll think brandy tastes like shit forever Buster: And whatever this I've got now is Buster: No chance of any new siblings for me either Rio: Well, that's true Rio: maybe some things can and do stay then, for good and bad, just like change Rio: You don't think they will Buster: What do you want to stay? Rio: You mean aside from being favourite? Buster: That's a given, so what else? Rio: Hmm Rio: give me a second to think, like Buster: Come on, you have to know what you want Rio: To happen in the future, yeah Rio: but you're talking about staying Rio: me in 5, 10 years might not appreciate what she gets stuck with if you rush me Buster: Fuck it, I won't tell her Rio: be a waste of time travel if you did Buster: Exactly Buster: So you can just tell me Rio: I don't know, ugh! Rio: Just everyone else to stay Rio: really Rio: what else? Buster: It's shit that I don't get to Rio: to stay? Buster: Yeah Buster: I like being in Dublin Rio: You'll probably like London Rio: loads to do Buster: 'Course Rio: but I get it Rio: it's home, even though it ain't Buster: It's home 'cause granddad's there Buster: So he ain't allowed to die Rio: Should be good Rio: some perks to starting young, right Buster: I don't know, age obviously wasn't a factor for the baby Rio: I know Rio: but the baby was just Rio: it's not fair Buster: You're not allowed either, okay? Buster: So don't Rio: I won't Rio: promise Buster: Good Rio: No one else is gonna die Buster: Ever? Rio: Well, I probably won't be the first to go so I won't promise that Rio: but not for a really really long time Rio: 'til they're old, when you're meant to Buster: Okay Rio: okay Buster: I feel like when you're really really fucking hungry, you know? Buster: Except I'm not Rio: yeah Rio: like an actual ache Buster: If I drink all of this it'll go away, yeah? That's why the pub's always rammed, like Rio: Like you said, you'll forget Rio: for as long as it lasts Buster: I did say that Rio: I remember Rio: not got a drink, me Buster: You're gonna have one with me when I'm back though, ain't you? Rio: if we can get something better than brandy, sure Buster: That won't be hard Rio: easier than getting everyone to leave us alone Buster: I can do it Buster: Everyone fucks off when I'm angry Rio: just don't have a go at me then Buster: Don't be a baby Rio: 🙄 I'm not but you wanna not drink alone don't you Rio: that's the plan Buster: Fine, I won't have a go at you then Rio: 👍 Rio: you probably will but you know Buster: I give you my word Rio: You're funny Buster: I'm serious Rio: still Rio: talking like a 🤴 all of a sudden Buster: I am a 🤴 Rio: Okay, your highness 😏 Buster: 😏 Buster: I won't get used to you calling me that since you ain't the one who promised not to have a go at me Rio: We don't ever play that nice Rio: you wouldn't like it if I did Buster: Have you played truth or dare since? Rio: have you? Buster: I asked you first Rio: fine Rio: not very noble of you but Rio: few times, yeah Buster: What's a few? Rio: I dunno Rio: a go-to at sleepovers and stuff, ain't it Buster: Not for lads Rio: Obvs Rio: boys are less nosy than girls Buster: They don't need to be Buster: Lads tell each other shit if it's worth saying Rio: so do girls Rio: usually the person who suggests it is just waiting for the right 'truth' like Buster: Girls reckon everything's worth saying Buster: But yeah lads are just waiting for the right dare Rio: Yeah, your sister is well chatty 🙄 Buster: She's not like a girl girl Buster: Don't be weird Rio: she's not a boy is she Buster: You know what I mean Rio: it's not weird Rio: or what am I not a girl too Buster: You're not my sister Buster: And you're actually well chatty Rio: ha ha Rio: and still related though Buster: I ain't forgotten Rio: Good Rio: would have to tell someone if you were that gone, like Buster: You reckon you can get away with snitching on me again now, after the brandy? That's brave Rio: 'cos I am Rio: but not a snitch Rio: just not going to let you die either Buster: I didn't then Buster: And this time I'm well older Rio: good, then I won't need to, will I Buster: Nah Buster: You will need to show me how brave you really are though Rio: ? Rio: How Buster: Good question Rio: answer it then Buster: You're there and I'm here so I'm thinking Rio: 🤔 Buster: I'd dare you again but I have no way of checking if you properly did it Rio: depending, can send 📹📷🎙 Buster: Yeah? Rio: if you're serious Rio: why not Buster: Alright Buster: [future Jen insert a dare here that goes too hard for being 10 because you were thwarted very hard in your search] Rio: [let us assume it happened 'cos very unlikely she'd nope out] Rio: See? Told you Buster: Yeah, well I wasn't gonna hit you and teach you how to if you were a gonna be a little girl about it, was I? Buster: That'd be stupid and I ain't Rio: You know me Rio: like it or not Buster: But it's been ages Buster: Like it or not Rio: Well I've not changed for the worse Rio: I'm not stupid either, thanks Buster: Now I know that Buster: Don't you wanna ask me? Rio: You drunk enough to start telling the truth? Buster: Not a liar anyway Rio: I know Rio: Okay Rio: Do you miss us Buster: Depends who you mean Buster: I don't miss all your little brothers and sisters trying to tag along with us Buster: But I do miss you Rio: That's fair Buster: No it ain't Rio: it'd be good if you lived in Dublin Rio: everyone else does Rio: basically Buster: I know Rio: parents always do what they wanna though Buster: They didn't even ask us where we wanted to move Buster: Why can't I have a say, like? Rio: Think they know what's best Rio: even when there's fuck loads to show they don't Buster: They'll probably break up and then I'll have even more houses to live in Rio: You think so? Buster: None of my mates parents are still together and nothing this shit happened to cause it Rio: Suppose so Rio: you parents are different though Rio: no offense Buster: What the fuck does that mean? Rio: You know Rio: been together forever Rio: more to throw away than most, isn't it Buster: They had to throw him away, that's a lot too Rio: Yeah Rio: but your mum wouldn't have anyone Rio: well, Ro but Buster: Don't Rio: I'm just saying Rio: I don't think you have to worry about that Buster: And I'm saying my mum doesn't need anyone, she's literally the strongest person ever Buster: And you don't know what I have to worry about or not Rio: Alright Buster: Shut up Rio: I have Buster: I know you Buster: I know you haven't Rio: You're right that I don't know Rio: but if it's not comforting to say I don't think so then it ain't, not gonna force you to believe me Buster: It ain't your job to comfort me Rio: No Rio: just the right thing to do Rio: anyone would try Buster: Why do you have to do the right thing? Buster: Everything's wrong anyway Rio: that's easy then Rio: so one thing isn't Buster: If that makes you feel better Rio: Nothing is gonna make you feel better, yeah? Rio: maybe the drink, for a bit Rio: so why would I be thinking I could Buster: Why do you? Rio: I don't Buster: Then what's the point? Buster: I don't even know where you are, there's so much shit you could doing that ain't this Buster: Why do you wanna be here? Rio: Make myself feel better, like you said Rio: good deeds, whatever else Rio: go with that, if you like Buster: Or you could go with a truth Buster: Even though we ain't still playing Rio: 'cos he was your brother Rio: so he was my cousin Rio: and even if I get it wrong, then you can be angry at me Rio: which will feel better than being angry at the world Buster: What's it feel like from over there? Rio: just Rio: useless Rio: makes you feel useless Buster: Yeah Buster: I feel useless too Buster: Nance really wants to talk about him but there's nothing to say Buster: He didn't get to do anything Rio: Yeah Rio: maybe you can just listen Buster: I can't Buster: I just get angry Buster: that she's sad and there's no way to stop it Buster: And then she gets angry at me back, 'cause I'm not sad Rio: she might rather be angry Rio: I don't know Buster: Me either Rio: It's really shit Buster: You won't miss me now even if you did before Rio: Why not Rio: none of this is your fault Buster: Like you said, it's really shit, so none of my mates call for me or ask me to play footie in case I lose it and hit 'em Rio: when you go boxing, you can get that out there Rio: then they will Buster: It don't matter, we're moving Buster: I'll have new ones Buster: Ones who don't know Rio: Be easier Buster: Yeah Rio: Do you want me to not bring it up again then Buster: Be easier Buster: So you just said Rio: If you always want easier Buster: I'm not a pussy Buster: I can handle anything you wanna throw at me Buster: Same goes for anyone else Rio: I didn't say that Rio: know you can Rio: why I'm asking Buster: You can say what you want then Rio: Okay Rio: I will then Buster: Good Rio: I do, you know Buster: What? Rio: Miss you lot, too Buster: It'll be summer soon Rio: I know Rio: I think we'll be back for good anyway Buster: You reckon your mum and dad can stay in one place for good? Rio: It's getting really stupid now Buster: Yeah Buster: You sound like a 🤖 all the languages you know Rio: Oh thanks Buster: You're welcome, babe Rio: 🙄 Buster: It's a compliment, like Buster: 🤖 are better than 👸 Rio: It is not Buster: Come on Rio: I don't wanna be a robot Buster: I don't want you to be a princess Buster: I can't be fighting off all those 🤴 all the time Buster: Very busy Rio: You won't need to Rio: not when you teach me how to punch Buster: If you want to punch 'em all I won't need to Buster: But you might not Rio: What's that supposed to mean Buster: You know what I mean Buster: 💃👠🎉 all that 👸 shit Rio: Why don't you want me to have all that 👸 shit Rio: bit mean Buster: I do but like you said Buster: 🤴s ain't shit themselves Rio: I'll manage Rio: there's gotta be something between 🤖 and 👸 Buster: 🐸💋 ain't a problem for robots though Rio: Nothing is Rio: they're not real Buster: 'Course they are Rio: not human Rio: no emotions, nothing Rio: what's the point Buster: I don't know Buster: It sounds alright Rio: you can take it then Buster: You still gonna hang out with 🤖 me? Rio: give it a shot, like Rio: might get bored Buster: Nah Buster: I could never be boring Rio: 😏 Buster: You know it's true Rio: Alright Rio: give you that Buster: I'll take it Buster: If that's the best you can do Rio: You really want me to sit here and compliment you Rio: idiot Buster: One way to distract me Buster: But if you've got any better ideas, I'm listening Rio: Buster Buster: Yeah? Rio: never mind Rio: I'll think of something Buster: I told you, you can say what you want Rio: you can say that, like Buster: I did Buster: Twice now Rio: you know what I'm saying though Buster: Just tell me Rio: can you just Buster: Stop? Nah I can't Rio: be easier, remember Buster: I don't want or need easier, remember Rio: it won't make this better though Rio: I don't wanna make it worse Buster: You reckon you can? Rio: could always be worse, like Rio: doesn't need to be a challenge though Buster: Don't be a pussy, Rio Rio: Don't call me a pussy Buster: Don't be one Rio: I'm not Buster: I don't feel anything Buster: It don't matter what you say Rio: then I don't need to say anything Rio: I said, it don't matter either Buster: Whatever Buster: I take it back, you ain't brave Rio: Fuck off Buster: You fuck off Rio: Fine Rio: be like that Buster: It ain't me Rio: yeah s'all my fault init Buster: Yeah Rio: 👍 great Rio: whatever then Buster: You're winding me up Rio: 'cos why Rio: you won't drop it Rio: not me Buster: I can't win with you Buster: It's my fault when we don't talk and it's my fault for having a go now Rio: Guess we just shouldn't then Buster: Jesus Rio: Well when we do we're just reminded why we don't right Rio: cut out the middleman Buster: You're lucky you ain't a lad Buster: I'd have to beat the shit out of you Rio: Lovely Rio: well mature Buster: Like the silent treatment then Rio: Not what I'm suggesting or doing Buster: You just did suggest it Rio: I'm not gonna blank you Rio: I mean actual talking Buster: I know what you mean Rio: Then don't be so extra Buster: Don't tell me what to do Rio: How about you don't threaten to beat me up, let's start there yeah Buster: You're being stupid now Rio: You're the one that said it Buster: 'Cause you won't talk to me Buster: It's not fair Rio: I'm fucking trying Rio: it's just Rio: awkward Buster: Fuck awkward Buster: Everything's shit Rio: alright so it's an understatement Rio: it can be both Buster: I'm saying I don't care if it's awkward Buster: We could both die tomorrow, like Rio: Could not too Rio: then everything will still be shit with more on top Buster: Fine, fuck off then Rio: Stop telling me to fuck off Buster: Do it and I won't have to Buster: I'm not trying to make things worse for you Rio: I'm not scared of you Buster: I don't want you to be scared of me Rio: Well I'm not so don't worry Buster: I'm not Rio: Problem solved then Buster: Yeah Buster: That one's over and done with Buster: Cheers Rio: So welcome Buster: Good, we're done here then Rio: Stop it Buster: Nah Buster: You don't wanna talk Buster: What else are we gonna do? Rio: I do wanna talk to you but I don't know why because you're so annoying Rio: alright Buster: Less annoying drunk than the one who almost puked all over you Rio: Hmm Rio: Debatable Rio: he was kinda cute and helpless like Buster: He was a little kid Rio: What are you now then Buster: I'm not a kid Buster: And I can handle my drink now Rio: Good to know Buster: I'm not gonna make a twat out of myself or you at the pub, don't worry Rio: that's not what I care about Buster: Alright Rio: I'm not that much of a bitch, you know Buster: It don't make you a bitch to give a shit about what people think of you Buster: Reputations are important, like Rio: Not to me Buster: Why not? Rio: Why would it Rio: I know who I am, the right people get it Rio: I'm not gonna try to convince anyone of anything Rio: just don't need to Buster: How do you know the right people get it? Rio: 'Cos I am the right people Rio: if you don't fuck with me then you ain't Buster: 😏 Rio: I'm serious Rio: and right, you know I am Buster: Yeah Buster: I like it Rio: really Buster: It's the most sense you've made since you started talking to me Buster: You sound like you Rio: I was just trying to be Rio: idk, not an adult 'cos they get it wrong too Rio: it's like you with Nance, yeah Rio: just wanna fix it but no one can so Buster: Just be you Rio: Okay Rio: that I can do Buster: Good Rio: I can't wait to come back Buster: Me either Buster: Cambs is really boring Rio: we'll make summer as good as we can Buster: You swear? Rio: 'course I do Rio: I'm me, you're you Buster: I really do miss you Buster: You know Rio: I know Buster: I'm sorry Buster: For being a twat for ages Rio: it's alright Rio: that's just you too, like Buster: I'm being serious Rio: Yeah Rio: I know why Rio: you kinda had to Buster: Nobody tells me what to do Rio: Nobody was Rio: just made sense, right Buster: But nothing makes sense any more Buster: And I wish you were here Rio: I'm here Rio: you can call me if you want Rio: how much of that stuff have you got through? Buster: You're not like properly here though Rio: Soon Rio: really soon Buster: I'm tired Rio: You should get some rest Rio: sleep on your side though Buster: But I don't wanna go Rio: I'll keep talking to you until you fall asleep Buster: Okay Buster: Tell me what you've been doing Buster: What I've missed Rio: Alright Rio: should send you to sleep Rio: usual, school, helping with the kids Rio: all that boring shit Buster: 😂 That's not why I asked Buster: And I don't reckon you can ever be boring either Rio: My life can be but yeah Rio: not me Buster: Mine too but probably not in London Rio: You excited about it then Buster: Yeah Buster: No Buster: I don't know Rio: it's usually both Rio: I've been enough places to actually know Buster: Nance needs me to be excited 'cause she ain't Rio: she'll be scared Rio: Junie always is Buster: She likes it here, going round on her bike taking pictures of shit Rio: She'll settle into it Rio: she can do that stuff there too Buster: She'll have to Buster: It's where we're going Buster: And mum and dad will be even more determined to make a go of things now than they usually are Rio: Exactly Rio: like you said Rio: we don't get any say in it either way Buster: Where would you go if you did? Rio: Right now? Rio: Home Rio: it's too much with no one to help out around Rio: 6 of them are under 5 Rio: it's just Buster: You wanna throw 'em at Nan Rio: I don't want them learning languages they won't need by the time they can speak in full sentences because we'll be gone again Rio: or making friends they'll have to say goodbye to in a few months, a year, tops Rio: I want an actual home, a house Buster: You said you're coming back for good though, yeah? Buster: So it won't be like that Rio: I hope so Rio: they've talked about it a bit Buster: Your mum and dad might listen if you say some of this shit Buster: They ain't like mine Rio: Aren't they Buster: Not exactly Rio: you ask nan Rio: my mum has never listened Buster: To her Buster: But we're talking about her listening to you Buster: Or your dad if she won't Rio: They've always done and gone where they want and dragged us along Rio: it's just how it is Buster: You're not a little kid now though Rio: I guess Buster: Whatever, I'm just trying to help Buster: Forget it, like Rio: Don't be moody, I'm not having a go am I Buster: Me either Buster: I don't want you to be sad, that's all Rio: I'm alright, I get by Rio: it's all the others Rio: but if we left now, Pablo down wouldn't remember any of it Rio: better than none, right? Buster: Yeah Buster: Alright odds Rio: less than half but Rio: I'll take it Buster: They'll remember it differently from you anyway, that'll affect the odds too Buster: Shit never seems as bad when you're younger Buster: I remember you liked travelling when you were Buster: Always showing off to me about something back then Rio: I weren't even 3 when we left, Junior was only just 2 Rio: Edie a literal newborn Rio: you don't know any better Rio: think it's normal Rio: not realize what you're missing out on Buster: I'm just saying you probably won't have to worry as much as you are Rio: Maybe Buster: Don't be moody with me now, like Rio: I'm not Rio: just thinking Buster: What? Rio: What it'd be like to be from a normal fucking family Rio: we'll never know Buster: I'd ask my mates if I make any with normal families in London Buster: You ask yours when you come back home Rio: That's definitely weirdo behaviour Buster: Have some subtlety about it, obviously Rio: What would you know about subtlety, McKenna Buster: Fuck you, I know loads about it Rio: 😂 Rio: nothing about jokes though Buster: More than you, I reckon Rio: Alright Rio: no proof of that ever but sure Buster: 'Cause I don't have to prove anything to you, Cavante Rio: Don't have to, nah Buster: There's nothing I can't do so they're nothing to prove Buster: there's* Buster: End of Rio: As long as you believe that Rio: that's what matters Buster: Shut up Buster: Don't take the piss out of me Rio: I'm not Rio: I mean it Rio: it doesn't matter what I think of you or you of me Buster: 'Course it does Rio: Why does it Buster: What do you mean why? Buster: You know it matters Rio: But I still don't get why Buster: You matter to me so it matters what you think Rio: Yeah Rio: right now at least Buster: Nah, always Rio: You're drunk and meant to be sleeping Buster: You're not my mum Rio: Well done Rio: 10/10 observation that Buster: Stop telling me what to do Rio: I never Rio: you said you were tired Buster: That don't mean I wanna sleep Buster: I never said I did Rio: All I'm saying is you won't remember saying none of this so you don't have to Buster: If I don't remember why would I care? Rio: 'cos I will Rio: and you'll have to deny it or whatever the fuck Buster: Not if you don't bring it up Buster: Can't I trust you any more? Rio: 'course I'm not going to bring it up Rio: but I'd rather not be told bullshit with you insisting its real when you won't acknowledge it later so Rio: its all the same to you it doesn't matter then Buster: I'm not a bullshitter Rio: No but drunk people always chat it Rio: not your fault Buster: I'm still me Rio: I know you are Buster: I'm not gone 'cause this drink is going Buster: What do you reckon I'm gonna do? Buster: Or say, whatever Rio: Everything is fucked, yeah Rio: my head and all, I can only imagine for you Rio: you know what I'm getting at, do I have to say it, like Buster: Don't imagine it, don't even try to Buster: It's horrible Buster: But don't worry either, I've got nothing to lose right now except you and Nance Buster: So I won't do it Buster: Say it Buster: Any of that Rio: I'm just so sorry, Buster Buster: Yeah Buster: Everyone is Rio: I wish I could make it all go away Rio: go back and change it Rio: it's unfair and it always will be Buster: Can we talk about something else? Rio: Yeah, of course Rio: anything Buster: Tell me what summer is gonna be like Rio: Freedom Rio: we can do whatever we like, whenever Rio: we'll go to the pub and we can have loads of BBQs and go beach and its granddad's birthday Buster: Oh shit we need to get him a present Rio: We can do that when you're back Rio: get him his favourite present of all of 'em, obviously Buster: Yeah Buster: So we can stay his faves Rio: Exactly Rio: it'll be like when we were little again Rio: but better Buster: We have to make sure Nance is alright Buster: Even if she won't come Rio: Of course Rio: you always look out for her Buster: You have to help me though Buster: If she won't let me Rio: I will Rio: I like Nance too, like Buster: Not as much as you like me though Rio: Not a competition 😏 Buster: It is Rio: I'm not gonna tell you you've won Buster: You don't have to, I know Rio: Shut up you Buster: You can't make me Rio: Hmpf Buster: I will if you really want me to Rio: It doesn't actually bother me Rio: for now, anyway Buster: I'll piss you off more face to face, that's what you're saying Rio: Probably true, for both of us Rio: but nah Rio: I mean it's nice to be able to say even a tiny bit of it Buster: Yeah, it is Rio: One of the reasons they do it Rio: get wrecked, I mean Buster: You're not Buster: So maybe we don't have to be Buster: To properly talk Buster: If we wanna Rio: I could have this all deleted before you weren't though Rio: it's freedom, isn't it Rio: we don't have that much day to day Buster: I know Buster: That's why I was trying to give you it Buster: To say what you wanna say or whatever Rio: Yeah Rio: I know Rio: but like you said, I'd probably need to catch up before I could Rio: still Rio: it's good to talk to you again Buster: And like you said, summer's long Buster: You'll probably have a fair chance Buster: To both get drunk and to talk to me more Buster: Just take 'em Rio: Alright Buster: Good Rio: feels longer than it's probably been Rio: seeing you all Buster: It has been ages though Buster: Especially 'cause I was trying not to see you when I had to Rio: That'll be why Rio: it's boring, not hanging with you at family things Buster: Well yeah, I'm the most fun Buster: 👸s shouldn't have to mix their own drinks Buster: Or steal 'em Rio: aren't I a 🤖 Buster: Not if you don't wanna be Rio: I'll let you know if I settle on a career option, like Buster: I'm just saying, you can be who you want with me Rio: You too Rio: whoever you need to be Buster: What's wrong with who I am? Rio: Nothing Rio: 🤴 you Buster: Then why would I ever need to be anyone different? Rio: Sometimes it's good to be wrong Rio: only if you need to, I said Buster: Fuck that Buster: It's good to be right Rio: then just be you Rio: don't bother me Buster: 'Course not Buster: You like me Rio: Easily go off you if you're gonna be annoying about it, like Buster: Not easily Rio: Oh my god Rio: 😂 Buster: Rio Rio: Yeah? Buster: If he didn't die Buster: Would you just have never spoken to me again ever? Rio: Of course not Rio: it's silly Rio: not talking because of things that happened in the past Rio: shit like this just makes you realize that but we would've got there ourselves eventually, I reckon Buster: It's not stupid if you still feel the same about things as you did then Rio: We should still Rio: idk Rio: work through it, do something Rio: you can't ignore shit forever and hope it goes away Buster: I'm not a problem for you to solve Buster: Like maths homework Rio: Not you Rio: the problem Rio: between us Buster: There ain't an us without me and you Buster: You can't separate it out Rio: it's 50/50 though Rio: don't make it sound like I'm putting it all on you Buster: It was my dare, I took it Rio: but if you think I'm like Rio: angry at you for doing it Rio: I ain't Rio: we can forget it and just move on Buster: Can we? Rio: If we choose Rio: we can do anything we want, right? Buster: Do you want to? Rio: I told you, I wanna talk to you again Buster: Okay Rio: Okay Rio: so we're good Buster: Yeah Rio: Good Buster: I don't feel it right now though Buster: I should have quit this bottle while I was ahead, like Rio: Oh no Rio: should eat Rio: and drink loads of water Buster: I'm not hungry Buster: You wouldn't be either if your weird aunt did the food shop Rio: 😬 Rio: order takeaway Rio: make her pay when it gets there Buster: And if she comes to question me, I'm clearly wasted ain't I Rio: True Rio: she'd definitely snitch Buster: I just need to be sick, don't I? I'll ask her how she does it Rio: Ha Rio: probably don't Rio: it'll be easy, if you're that drunk Buster: I don't know how drunk I am Rio: I reckon you're good Rio: just try to get to the bathroom too fast and you should find out Buster: Wait til you know how to knock me out before you start thinking about me ending up on the floor Rio: You'll be fine Rio: don't be a baby Buster: I always am Buster: Don't worry about me Rio: Don't tell me what to do, like Buster: Do as you're told then, babe Rio: save that kinda talk for your first wife 😂 Rio: cheek Buster: What would I wanna get married for? Rio: Party Rio: presents Buster: I can do all that anyway without having to share the party or give her half the presents Rio: get a prenup then Rio: and you share a birthday so you're used to it Buster: Exactly, used to how shit it is Rio: and it's halloween Rio: poor boy Buster: Shut up Rio: Should've waited in your mum like you were meant to Buster: I keep telling you, I'm very busy Rio: You're funny Rio: you just didn't wanna be younger than me Buster: 'Course I fucking didn't Rio: You're still more immature so it doesn't matter Buster: I am not Buster: I just wouldn't wanna be younger and still taller than you, you'd be well embarrassed, like Rio: Just 'cos your dad is half-giant Rio: if he didn't look like him, I'd say he weren't grandas tbh Buster: He don't look that much like him Rio: Hmm Rio: more than he does nan but that doesn't mean much Buster: Your mum is the only one who looks anything like nan Rio: Poor nan Rio: bet she was gutted Buster: You look like your mum too Buster: More than I look like mine Rio: You do look like her though Rio: Nancy is like an exact mix it's a little weird Buster: She'll love it when she hears that Buster: I better remember it Rio: 🙄 Rio: just forget I said it, I wasn't trying to be mean Buster: It's only mean 'cause she wants to look exactly like mum Rio: your mum and auntie are like tiny Rio: it'd give anyone a complex Buster: You reckon she has one? Rio: No Rio: not like a serious one Rio: girls always think about stuff like that though Buster: Do you? Rio: being told I look like my ma therefore nan was a bit rude but I'll survive Rio: its like if you were really scrawny though, you'd compare yourself to your dad even though that's stupid and you can't help it, like Buster: I didn't mean it like that though Buster: You're like really pretty, you know Rio: oh so now you fancy my mum Rio: great 😏 Buster: She's too old and she has too many kids Rio: and your auntie, obviously Buster: I was obviously putting that aside Rio: I'm just joking Buster: I'm just saying, if I didn't know her she'd still be too old and have too many kids Buster: But you'd still be pretty Rio: Thanks Rio: I'll put off the kids longer than she did then Buster: I don't know why you'd wanna bother ever Rio: I don't know Rio: not actually decided Buster: It'd be weird if you already had your heart set on it Buster: Especially after growing up in this family Rio: You've already got your heart set on not, obvs so Rio: mine was pregnant with me just after her 15th, like Rio: 5 years isn't that long if I wanted to follow in her footsteps Buster: I feel like it's stupid Buster: But I've made stupid decisions before Rio: There's worse Buster: Obviously Rio: anyway, if you're not getting a wife you can just pretend it isn't yours Rio: easy Buster: Nan and granddad ain't married but he'd be dead if he tried that Rio: because they are Rio: all but the paperwork Rio: long term partner is no different really Buster: Maybe I'll follow in their footsteps with that then Rio: 🤷 Rio: no one will be buying you a toaster then Buster: I can buy my own Buster: Better taste than that lot have got anyway Rio: exchange it for cash if you're that concerned Buster: I won't be that strapped for any but cheers Rio: free money is free money Rio: idk why you're acting too good for it Buster: Taking it off 'em when I don't need it is unfair Rio: awh Rio: sucha 🤴 Buster: Stop taking the piss out of me Rio: What? It's cute Buster: We're supposed to be moving on and getting on so don't wind me up Rio: and I'm allowed to be who I want so don't tell me what to do Rio: it isn't as if either of us are or aren't having a wedding any time soon so don't take it so seriously Buster: Whatever Buster: If hard work is what you wanna be, like Rio: If you can't hack it Buster: 😂 If I can't hack it then what? Rio: Your loss and your problem Buster: It's neither Buster: There's nothing I can't handle, I already told you Rio: Alright then Rio: no need to pout Buster: I'm not a girl Rio: Really? Rio: I had no idea Buster: Hilarious Rio: I know, been said Buster: Language barrier, was there? Rio: Ha ha Rio: but you aren't funny so Buster: You just like to keep changing your mind Rio: girl's prerogative Rio: keep up Buster: Easily Rio: We shall see Rio: soon, yeah Buster: I'll show you any time, babe Rio: careful, could hold you to that Buster: Go ahead Rio: I'll play fair and not Rio: you are totally pissed Buster: I could keep up with you pissed and with both hands tied behind my back Rio: that's a new drinking game Buster: If you like Rio: what use would you be at getting me drinks with your hands tied? Rio: 👸 and that Buster: Use my mouth Rio: 😏 Rio: be a sight Rio: look forward to it then Buster: Soon then Rio: yeah Rio: bed now though Rio: taking the piss Buster: You are Buster: You said you'd talk to me til I fell asleep Rio: Meant to listen and shh Rio: so chatty, boy Buster: You wanted to keep talking Buster: But fine Buster: Change your mind, princess Rio: I do but Rio: wanna see you more Rio: obvs Rio: gotta make it be here faster Buster: [sends a cute little drunk selfie like you can see me now] Buster: Goodnight then Rio: Oh Rio: tuck yourself in properly then Buster: Really? Rio: Yeah Rio: get comfy Buster: Okay Rio: Show me Buster: [does] Rio: Good Rio: now you're ready Rio: Night, Buster Buster: Wait Buster: What about you? Rio: you want me to go sleep with you Rio: okay, hold on Buster: I'm older I can't go to sleep before you Rio: alright, you look out for me too Rio: that's fair Rio: [sends her own cute not drunk selfie like ready] Buster: That's unfair Rio: What? Buster: You're even prettier than I remember Rio: You need to stop being cute and settle down Buster: I'm going, I swear Rio: I'll miss you Buster: I already miss you Buster: Can I call you if I can't sleep? Rio: Of course Rio: tell you a story if you like Buster: About 👸s and 🤴s yeah? Rio: Only the best kind Rio: plenty of ⚔s Buster: But they get to be together at the end Buster: And nobody dies Rio: Happy endings only Rio: I swear Buster: Alright Rio: You can call me now Rio: if you like Buster: Only if you don't get mad at me for staying up Buster: At least til the end of the story Rio: You've gotta Rio: for the final 🥊 and the 💋 Buster: [does call her and it'd be so cute and they'd fall asleep together like they always do in the future]

[scarlettkat86]

Counting Sheep

**don't read if you don't want fluff/smut, recreational drug use/alcohol**

@naromoreau and @youre-my-boshaw-baby I finally finished this thing.

Liz opened the door to the Spread Eagle, immediately ambushed and bear hugged by Nick. "Goddamn, you beautiful son of a bitch. I ain't never seen anything like that before. Good to have you back in one piece kiddo, I was beginning to worry."

"Glad to be back too Nick, I could really use a stiff drink or 5." Liz groans as she takes a set at the bar.

"Hey, nice to have you back. Anything you want, on the house tonight." says Mary May.

"No need to do that, I'll have a double shot of whiskey, neat."

"I insist, after all you gave us something we never thought we'd never have again, hope."

Amber liquid filled her glass, the rich, smoky undertones working to sooth her aches and pains away. It seemed like everyone had shown up to celebrate taking down the youngest Seed brother.

Looking around, all of her friends looked so happy, and that made her smile. _Like it or not, this was the right thing to do. _

There was only one person she was hoping to see, and would be lying if she said she wasn't disappointed that he wasn't the first one to welcome her back. Loud voices carried from the back corner of the bar.

"Now i'm a gamblin man and I'll bet you a twenty and some uh, some woods porn, that you can't even hit the board Hurkie."

"When the hell did you find woods porn man!? You're on amigo. Hey everybody, watch this!" Liz watched as Hurk chugged an entire bottle of vodka, then started spinning around in circles. A small crowd had formed, rooting him on. This looked like a disaster waiting to happen. Taking another moment to watch Sharky, she smiled sadly. _I should just go drag him back to my place, let him know he's what keeps me going. Probably not gonna get any time with him tonight anyway, too many people, too much noise. _

A huff from her side brought her attention back. "Gross, are you over here eyefuckin Sharky?"

Liz nearly choked on her drink, "What?! I-I, no, the fuck Jess?"

"Hey you're the one too distracted to hear me. Still can't believe yall haven't- never mind, I'd rather not think about it."

"Not my fault your mind is in the gutter."

"Whatever. I'm shit at small talk, but I wanted to say i'm glad you're back. Those Seed fuckers have a way with gettin in your head, be glad you haven't caught Jacob's attention yet."

Liz shook her head and smiled.

Yeah I'd rather not catch any attention, yet here I am...

"Bless your heart. Careful now Jess, that almost sounded like you care. Listen, you're my best friend, but I can see you're itchin to get out of here, so go on, before I change my mind."

That makes Jess snort.

"Asshole. I ain't gotta be told twice, 'sides, I got better shit to do then watch you watch that idiot. Take care Liz, I'll see ya in the Whitetails."

She stared at the empty glass sat on the counter before her. Walking behind the bar, Liz grabs a bottle of North Fork whiskey and heads for the door.

*Sharky's POV

He'd seen her walk through the door. Damn if she wasn't the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. Not cuz she was beautiful, she is, but cuz he'd been worried sick the last few days of radio silence. He'd been pissed that she didn't take him with her, but it was her call, Nick deserved to help her take down that fuckface more than any one of her friends. Still didn't stop his stomach from twisting in knots every night that passed without a word from them. He wants to go kiss her, hold her, tell her how much he realizes now that he's in love with her. She's got a crowd though, and it's only been a couple months since she'd shown up in his life, unsure of how she'd react to a declaration of love, so he stays rooted in place. He's drinking, placing a bet he's seriously gonna regret if he loses. Glancing over again he sees her heading out the front door. *

Standing at the river's edge just outside of Falls End, Liz felt like she could breathe again. She barely escaped the Spread Eagle, so many thank yous she lost count.

Rummaging through her bag, she was relieved to find the baggie she was searching for. "Deal with the devil ain't so bad when he leaves a little lettuce to get by on." Liz laughs at her dumbass joke.

_Really have jumped from upholding the law to breaking it, guess a little weed is nothing when you think about it. _

Lost in her own thoughts she didn't notice someone had followed her.

Walking up from behind, Sharky grabs Liz by her waist. Startled Liz grabs her knife and yelps in surprise when she realizes who it is. "Fuck, Sharky, don't sneak up on me like that! I could've killed you!!" Taken aback by the knife to his throat Sharky swallows. "Shit, not like you to not notice someone tailing you chicka. You mind uh, putting the knife away because i'm not really into that sorta thing." Putting the knife back in its holster Liz laughs and tries to slow her racing heart. Sharky looks down and presses his lips to hers, soft and sweet. She slowly breaks the kiss and sits down.

"Hell yeah, some grass and party liquor, you tryin to impress me shorty, cuz it's workin."

He laughs and rolls the joint neat, tight as he can and seals it with his tongue.

Once they've smoked the whole thing, Sharky takes her hand in his. "Ya know, i'm glad you're back in one piece, things wouldn't be the same without ya." He wants to say that's an understatement, that he don't think he would be able to go forward without her, but he just stands up and pulls her to her feet, "Now allow me to be the gentleman that I am, and escort you back to the party inside."

"You think you can just, drive me back to my place? I'd rather just have you with me for the night."

"That sounds a million times better than finding out if I still own the only woods porn in all of Hope county. "

Opening the door to her house, Liz heads for the kitchen, she pulls out a metal tin with a few blunts already packed. "Damn johnny law, you been holding out on me!" While Sharky lights one up, she mixing a couple drinks. "I've had a couple bad influences. Now pass it over."

The smoke filled her lungs, slowly turning her limbs to jelly and clearing her mind. Sharky slowly walks to her phone, picking out some music. "Boshaw, I swear I am in no mood for disco music."

"Relax Izzy, I've got something a little different picked out."

A slow sensual beat fills the room, and Sharky looks at her with a hunger in his eyes. He grabs her by the waist and starts to rock her side to side to the beat. The lyrics start and he's singing in her ear, "tonight, I've got nothing on my mind but you..." kissing her lips then down her neck,

"don't you take a bow at the last curtain call.. thinking you're nobody's nothing after all..."

Biting her lip and suppressing a moan, she slides her hands under his hoodie, slowly pulling it off. "Fuck Izzy, i'm tryin to be a gentleman here, but you're makin me hard." He says, voice hoarse and shaky.

"I know. I need you Sharks." she says with a smile, as she turns her back to his chest and grinds into him, slowly moving side to side with the music, discarding her own shirt along the way.

He takes a hold of her full hips, pressing himself against her. With one hand he follows the curve from her hips, over the softness of her stomach and the swell of her breast, finally putting a hand on her throat fingers brushing the side of her jawline. His other hands fingers sliding between her thighs. All she could feel was the heat that spread through her, a half sob of pleasure escaping her lips. It had been a year since she felt a touch not her own.

"Bedroom, now" she whispered to him, discarding her pants along the way.

Sharky pushes her to the bed suddenly and pulls her panties off. The sight of her made his mouth water. Soft dark curls in a neat strip. He blew a hot breath and she gasped. Then his tongue replaced his breath, precise swipes parting her folds and latching onto her clit. She looked down into his eyes, a silent plea to make her cum. He held eye contact and alternated between quick flicks of his tongue and circular motions, sliding a finger inside her core.

"Damn Izzy you taste so good, wanna make you cum."

She was teetering on edge already, each nerve on fire, legs tingling, and just when she thought she would finally find sweet release, he'd pull back and lick up her juices. Sliding two fingers inside easily now, he curled upwards to find her bundle of nerves, and closed his mouth around her clit and sucked. He could feel her beginning to pulse around his fingers, back arching, head flung back, "Look at me Iz, I wanna see you."

That sent her over the edge, locking eyes with him again, she felt pure bliss as she came around his fingers. Lapping up the rest of her juices he moved up her body, stopping to tease each nipple on the way, finally kissing her lips. The taste of herself on his lips sent another wave of pleasure through her body and mind. "I need to feel you Sharky, please.."

The neediness in her voice making him even harder. He unfastened his pants, pulling them off. She felt him spring free, sliding the head of his cock up and down her folds, then lines himself up with her entrance, filling her excruciatingly slow. She's already clenching around him, a perfect fit, slightly thicker than she's used to, but he feels like heaven. He can't hold back and slams in to the hilt, causing them both to moan in sync. Pulling out to thrust back in lazily again and again, Sharky is running his hands down her body, one taking place on her clit.

“I'm not gonna last long babe, fuck. You're so tight and wet." Biting her bottom lip she nods her head, "Me either, just fuck me." She wraps her legs around him, pulling him in closer as he picks up pace. They're both panting, moaning curses, as their bodies match rhythm. She can feel him twitch and knows he's close, so she slides her hand down between their bodies and takes over her clit. He pulls her leg over his shoulder changing angles, hitting that perfect bundle over and over. White hot pleasure tingles every inch of her body, and she's crying out his name like the most beautiful melody ever heard. He's not far behind, pulling out at the last possible second. He growls an almost animalistic sound, hot spurts of his cum coat her inner thigh and stomach. Sharky rolls off her, grabbing a shirt to clean up the mess, then pulls her into his arms, kissing the nape of her neck. "I love you Lizbeth." She's quiet for a minute and he's praying to whatever god, monkey jesus, whatever, that he hasn't fucked this up. Then she's looking up at him, smiling the most brilliant smile, "I love you too Sharks. Always."

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 243

Alex

Cammie is so annoying to me. I walk into her room. Her and Caden are sitting on the bed staring at one another. Caden rolls over on his stomach looking at me. He picks his body all the way up then he just drops. He starts screaming and kicking his feet. Cammie ignores him.

"Why that little shit acting like that?" I ask.

"I told him to stop making faces at me. Looking at me like he think I'm nasty. So now I guess he gonna tell on me."

Trey walks pass me into the room. "What's wrong with you?"

Cammie looks at Caden. "He was crawling."

"Crawling?" Trey says picking him up and cuddling him.

"I have a question." I state.

Cammie rolls her eyes. "I don't have any clothes for you. I don't keep baby clothes."

"Bitch, I don't want your hand me downs."

"Since when?"

I suck my teeth. See annoying. "Nobody even got time for you. Fine. I'll go ask that stupid number girl. She stuck up."

Cammie sucks her teeth. "You pregnant people planned this? What's your question?"

"I feel like I'm on fire. What can I do? You ever felt like that?"

"Got a fever?"

I shrug. "No."

Cammie walks over to me. "Maybe you on fire."

"Stop being funny. Google says it could be an infection which could kill my baby."

"Stay off Google." She snaps rubbing my arms. "You don't feel hot. Go rest. Being pregnant can make you feel the change in temperature easily."

"But I sat outside all day yesterday. I was fine yesterday."

She kisses my cheek. "Welcome to motherhood. Each hour will be different."

I blow. "We once planned to have our kids together."

"This one will not be grown when you have a baby. One year apart barely. We having kids together. I'm just not pregnant with your ass."

"God has a plan." Trey says. "I thank him."

I roll my eyes at Trey. "Thank him away from the ledge."

"Damn." Trey retorts jerking his head in my direction.

I gasp. "Oh my baby gonna come out ugly. Was it too soon for that?"

"He not Chris." Cammie says dismissing it. "So you gonna behave for 9 months?"

"Not jokes about God or his work." I nod.

Cammie giggles. "Lonnie praying for everybody."

I suck my teeth. "Anyway. The number after six said I might be horny. How true is that?"

"Oh no." Cammie laughs. "You gonna know about that. No guessing. I'm so gonna love you and Amber both being pregnant without me. See what I go through."

"I'm about to have a good pregnancy." I say moving from her. "Get your witchcraft off me. Charleston's finest."

Cammie walks away. "Go hoe. Bye."

"Mommy?" Lane cries walking into the room.

"Not ready for that."

"You got 3 years before you get here." Cammie says checking Lane's forehead. "Why are you hot again? Go to your daddy."

Trey leans off the bed grabbing Lane and pulling him over to him against his will. Lane breaks down dropping his weight before getting on the bed. I chuckle walking out. I'm not ready to fight a kid. I go looking for Jamaal.

"We will be there in the morning. Yes, sir." He says buttoning up Lexi's bag. She was spread out on the floor.

"I leave one scene to another." I say. "What broke your kid?"

Jamaal puts his phone down. "She is upset that we are leaving tonight but Jordan is leaving in the morning after going to Cammie's house. They all have big ass houses close by."

"It's not fair." Lexi whines.

"I don't raise you according to what's fair. Life not fair."

Rollie walks into the room followed closely by Jordan. "Jamaal."

Jamaal looks at him like how the fuck you know my name. "Yeah."

"Lexi can fly back to Atlanta with us. I mean if you don't mind. It's no problem for us."

"Yes!" Lexi jumps off the floor.

Jamaal cuts his eyes at Lexi. He looks at Rollie. "No, offense but..."

"Yeah." Rollie says.

"She doesn't spend the night with people. She has only been with my mother or me."

Rollie nods. "I understand. We'll try again later."

"But Daddy." Lexi whines falling back out.

"Go get your things from the bathroom like I told you."

Lexi whines crawling to the bathroom. "I'm going to miss seashell hunting in the morning."

He rolls his eyes at her. I chuckle sitting on the bed.

"You might be being a bit overprotective." I whisper. "They aren't child molesters."

"Aye, Cammie said she doesn't mind." Rollie said coming back into the room.

His mother comes in behind him. "Lexi, are you ready, Baby?"

Lexi comes running out the bathroom with an arm full of stuff. She dumps it out in her bag then runs up to Debra. She hugs her tightly.

"He is?" Debra says then starts whispering as they walk away.

"You need a longer minute?"

Jamaal leans on the suitcase. "I don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter."

"They get what they want one way or another." Rollie shrugs. "I hate for you to lose to Gwen in front of your daughter. You want me to send her in here? So you can tell her yeah in your own words?"

"Yeah." I nod.

Rollie turns walking. "Lexi! Lexi, your father needs to talk to you for a second."

Jamal blows. "I didn't say yeah."

"Nobody gonna hurt your daughter around here. They trade kids for a living."

"Aye, Jamal." Chris says walking into the room. "You mind if Lexi stays. My mother wants to take the girls to a party. Some over the top little girls thing... I forgot the little girl name."

"It has nothing to do with seashells in the morning?"

Chris makes a face. "Seashells man?"

"Yes." Lexi says barely coming in the room. "Chris are you going to eat ice cream with us?"

"No."

She looks at Jamaal. "Daddy? Daddy hurry."

"You don't have to leave with us tonight."

"Yes!" She starts to run away.

"But!" He yells. She comes back with her eyes big. "Call and ask your grandma."

She smiles. "Later right? When I get back?"

"Yeah."

"That's nothing to her."

Jamaal sighs. "Because when she does wrong it's on me."

"Life." I shrug. "I'm about to take a cold shower. Have my things ready will you good boy. Such a dear."

"So fake."

Trey

Lane wiggles in the bed. He is mad that I made him take his medicine like a big boy and not like Caden. He not about to start acting like a baby because his mama wants to breastfeed him and make sure he feels important. I draw the line at pacifier. It will mess up his teeth, his speech, and make him fucking whiny. I pinch his butt. He laughs. He not really mad. He throws the cover off him.

"Stop, Daddy." He snaps. "I mad with you."

"Son. I didn't touch you."

He grabs his butt. "You do this to me. Stop."

I pinch his butt. "This?"

"Stop!"

"Son." I frown. "Yell at me again."

He blinks at me. "You say do it?"

"Cammie!"

"No." He whispers. He jumps forward covering my mouth. "No."

Cammie walks into the room. "Tremaine, did you call me?"

"No." Lane whispers then falls out on the bed crying.

"Daylan, go to your grandma." Cammie snaps. "Take your butt to her right now."

He rolls off the bed crying. He looks at me like he wanted my help. I look up at Cammie. She was making a face at me daring my ass to save him. He was playing until I started bothering him. April comes to the door.

"Awh, my baby. Come on. Let's call, Mama. Let's call and tell on all these mean people."

He runs to her then. He liked that idea very much. Not enough to stop crying.

"Lane is going to Mama Rose house. I'm tired of his shit. Let her nurse him back to health."

"How are you feeling, Baby?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes. "I'll be fine."

"But how you feeling?"

"Smothered. I'm ready to be in my house away from this chaos."

"We can leave tonight." I say.

She blows. "I'm going swim... I mean I'm going paddle boarding with Chris tonight."

"Tonight? In the dark?"

"He has this event with some guide. Tremaine, not in the dark dark. They have glowing boards."

I frown. "Nobody said nothing to me."

"I'll call and fuss at Chris for not personally inviting you." She puts her phone to her ear. "Chrissy, how insensitive of you not to invite my husband?"

She grins taking the phone down. She walks over to the bed.

"Tremaine I told him okay."

"You didn't."

Chris walks into the room. "Aye, Trey..."

"Nigga don't come in here with that shit."

"I mean... we just planned it." He shrugs looking at Cammie. "I thought your wife would..."

"Chris for real."

Chris throws his arms up. "So we can just cancel it."

"Yo, nigga, for real. I didn't say shit!"

"Huh?"

I shake my head. "I ain't say shit about your paddle boarding."

"She said I was being insensitive."

"Chris man."

"Cammie always fucking with somebody. I was thinking you were really mad about the shit. Like I'm... I don't know."

"Aye, Chris." Cammie says. "Caden wants to go with you to your room."

Chris leaves out. "Not Chuckie's damn seed. Redheaded bastard."

"My damn baby ain't no bastard!" Cammie spats.

"Move Chris!" Lane cries. "Stop!"

Chris puts Lane down on the floor by the door. "This one too."

"Mommy, I go to Daddy? Mommy?" Lane says standing up from the floor.

"Did you talk to Grandma Rose?"

"Yes."

"What did she tell you?"

He watches her then say. "I go to Daddy?"

"What did Grandma Rose say to you?"

"Nothing." He shrugs. "I go to Daddy?"

Cammie cuts her eyes at me. "Your daddy is right there, Daylan. Go to him. I don't see why your butt can't go to him and talk to me at the same time. I don't know why you think you so smart. Lane, what did your grandma say?"

Lane crawls on the bed then starts crying. Cammie sucks her teeth then walk out of the room. Lane gets under his blanket that's beside me and stops crying. I rub what I think his back is. He doesn't move or anything. A few minutes later Lonnie comes into the room.

"Lane?" He says. "Cammie said Lane was in here."

"He is." I say pointing to the cover.

Lonnie chuckles. "I'll put his juice and chips up for him."

"Thank you. "

Cammie walks in as Lonnie walks out. "You didn't find Lane?"

"He is having a moment I believe or sleep."

"I gave him medicine so probably sleep." Cammie nods. "Tremaine, your son went in the room and just sat on the phone crying. He wouldn't stop crying to talk to Rose. How fucking bad is that?"

"Spoiled."

Cammie takes her shirt off. "Are you going to go paddle boarding?"

"If I have the energy."

"Well, take a nap. I need you to save me if I fall into the dark water. Okay?"

"Okay, Jayla."

"Okay, Tremaine."

"You need to fucking learn how to swim."

She mocks me. I chuckle. The therapist said I need to make some goals. My goal is to get wrapped all the way up into my family. Find out who my wife really is and what her family is really about. My family and God is my goal.

"Tremaine." Cammie whispers. "With your Caden face. I love you."

"I love you, Jayla."

She walks away on the phone. "I was listening. I was."

I smile. She wasn't.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: I'm gonna need you to pick up two bottles on your way home Rio: at least Buster: Consider it done Buster: Do you need me to ask why or are you gonna tell me, like? Rio: Guessing is always fun Rio: and as I told you I was pregnant the other day, and it's a pretty fucked way to 'celebrate' that, it narrows down your guesses a lot Rio: barely a challenge Buster: It's like that, yeah? Rio: Unfortunately, yeah Buster: Say it then, I'm sitting down Rio: Where? Buster: At a desk Buster: Come on, pull off the plaster, babe Rio: but you're so hot though Rio: oh and Saint fell over at the park earlier, but that's not why I need you/a drink Buster: I'll still be hot after you break this news Buster: Shit, he's alright though? Rio: Totally fine, just scraped knees, brave like his daddy, obviously Rio: okay, it's just Rio: things with my family are getting too much for all of them Buster: Thank Christ for that, now tell me which one of your brothers or sisters need something Buster: and what the fuck it is Rio: Oh come on, it's me asking, not them Rio: and I wouldn't unless they really needed me to Buster: It's you asking for them 'cause they know you're a soft touch Buster: But go ahead Rio: 😠 I am not Rio: I've just spent the last, god knows how long, traumatizing Grace, apparently so Buster: Alright, not what I expected you to say Buster: What's wrong? Rio: Well I am full of surprises, you'd do well to remember Rio: I don't even know how to put it, she's Rio: she just needs a bit of one on one attention Buster: How long? Rio: Just a couple of days, honest Rio: she had a night of it and ended up with some sketchy lad at a really sketchy party and Janis had to go get her and take her home to my mum and dad so Rio: she needs time and space to sort her head out so she can face them again and I can make sure she isn't doing stupid shit like that as well Buster: Wait, Janis went? Buster: What the fuck has been happening over there? Rio: I know, she has a hot boyfriend, apparently, who she spends all her time with Rio: maybe if we can give Grace somewhere to get it together too, then things won't be quite so Rio: ugh, from now on Buster: We're so out of the loop, babe Buster: but yeah, 'course Rio: I know, I'm a bad sister Rio: but you're the best Buster: No, you can't take care of everybody all the time, that's all Buster: She'll come over though and you'll do your best to get her sorted Buster: While I take care of everything else Rio: Ugh stop being so capable but don't ever thanks Rio: I don't know how it got to four years so fast I just Buster: Even though I can do it, I'm still gonna make her take care of the kids for me so I can take you out to celebrate this new one properly Buster: I know there's so much other shit going on but I'm really happy, you know Rio: Me too Rio: I love you so much Rio: it just makes me sad that they don't all have a you to keep them sane through the rest, you know Buster: I love you Buster: but I ain't sharing even if there would be enough of me to go around, what with how capable I am Rio: hmpf don't even play Rio: you're mine Buster: I can't play, I've missed you every second of this day so far Buster: You're only making me miss you more Rio: It's you being so capable and perfect shh Rio: just, some of the places and situations they're getting in, makes me think how my life would've been like if we hadn't finally got it together Rio: it so easily could've been me still, I have to make sure they're okay too, by the time they're our age Buster: Baby, don't Buster: You'll break my heart Buster: You know we'll do whatever we have to, anything, everything Rio: I'm sorry, never wanna do that Rio: I can't do it again, too much has already been allowed to get fucked up Rio: I don't just mean Edie, so much before, after Buster: I know Buster: Whatever it takes, I swear Rio: I believe in you Rio: we're a good team, right Buster: You can, I'm never gonna take my eye off the ball when it comes to a single thing that matters to you Rio: Just Rio: thank you for being you Buster: Cheers for loving me, like Rio: How could I not Buster: I refuse to give you that list Buster: Don't ever not Rio: Always have, always will Rio: Can count on it Buster: That still kills me Buster: Always has & always will too Rio: 's how we managed to get pregnant with a 10 month old and a toddler in the house, like Buster: I'm not sorry Buster: I never will be Rio: Me either Buster: I meant it when I said I'd have 11, I still do Rio: still wanna have all your babies Rio: snap Buster: If I believe in fuck all, it's not fate or any of that religious bullshit, it's you Buster: So Rio: You're killing me Rio: there's no way I'm hormonal already, god Buster: You better not be Buster: Unless we're gonna tell Grace Rio: It's fine, she's a big crier, just think it's solidarity Buster: You're really selling this, babe Rio: You don't need to be besties Rio: I promise, she won't disturb you Buster: Nance, come back into the same country as me, all is forgiven Rio: 😏 shh Buster: Don't shh me when I'm preparing a speech Rio: 🤐 Rio: Proceed Buster: Forget it, I wanna hear more about you & your hormones Buster: How are you feeling? Rio: So predictable, you...but same, best excuse to be all over you as if I needed one Rio: no but I do feel good, overall Rio: Grace said some really sad shit but, it's not hopeless, I think I can actually help and she'll let us so Rio: more than I've got with lots of them right now isn't it Buster: I'll beat up any teenage cunts she named & shamed Buster: That'll be a decent start Rio: Not sure she'd appreciate that as much as I do the mental image Rio: not to mention your career, gotta act well within the law now, babe Buster: Well, firstly it ain't for her, not if everything I do, or am willing to, is for you Buster: Secondly, never been caught, which nobody appreciates more than me Buster: My mum and dad maybe Rio: can't put an arrest sheet up on the wall really Rio: granddad might Buster: He definitely would Rio: know he would've thought it was hilarious Janis stole their car if she weren't apparently pissed at the time Buster: Yeah Buster: Still surprised nan didn't pull out a breathalyzer honestly Rio: Honestly Rio: not that she's fighting the claim, she don't care enough to Buster: Who the fuck is this lad then? Rio: None of them seem to know much of anything Rio: he's new and he's English Rio: and hot, of course, mentioned that Rio: Grace said he's not bad but I'm not fully convinced of that yet Buster: She's got as close to dating me as she can without going for it, fair play Rio: 🙄😂 oh God Rio: glad she's not coming over, actually have a fight on our hands Buster: No chance he's as posh as me Buster: She wouldn't Rio: Obviously not, babe, he's 'poor' apparently but we are going off Grace's definition here so not fully sure what that means Buster: That's hilarious Buster: Maybe it won't be all bad having Grace here Rio: don't encourage her Rio: trying to make her have a little tact Buster: Come on, that is funny Rio: to you, posh boy Rio: I, however, can see why Janis wants to smack her sometimes though Buster: I'm raising my son posh too so be careful what you say next, like Buster: Janis wants to smack everyone, I can relate Rio: You are not Rio: OUR son is going to be well-adjusted, thank you very much Buster: Well your daughter is already my little spoiled princess, so unlucky Rio: well like mother like daughter Buster: If you told me she pushed Saint over at the park I'd believe it Buster: You're always starting fights with me that you can't win Rio: Pshhh Rio: you can tell yourself you let me win if that makes you feel any better about it, baby Buster: You can tell yourself I let you win if it means you'll start another one Buster: You know I like it Rio: 😏 Rio: I miss you Rio: when are you home Buster: I miss you too Buster: All of you Buster: I won't be much longer though, promise Rio: they miss you too Rio: he's only just got up Rio: she wouldn't sleep Buster: She only sleeps on me, same as you Rio: it's true Rio: we'll both be here 😪 like Buster: I won't move a muscle Buster: Get really comfortable, it's fine Rio: challenge accepted Rio: sounds like heaven right now Buster: You are heaven, all the time Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: What do you think the baby is this time Buster: I know what I want but whether or not I should think like that Buster: That's another question Rio: well it's always 50/50 Rio: and you won't be disappointed, will you Buster: 'Course not Rio: I can't tell yet Buster: What do you want though? Rio: I'm just glad it's all ours Rio: no drama Buster: Yeah Rio: Sorry Buster: Don't Rio: but I am Rio: not trying to be a downer Rio: just one of those days Buster: I love you, I love her, there's nothing to be sorry for Rio: I know but Buster: No buts Buster: We're all okay here Rio: we are Rio: I've not heard from Junie in Rio: forever Buster: 'Cause what can he say? Rio: what can I say Buster: It's not your fault Rio: don't think I'll lead with that but tah Buster: Come on Buster: It was a relationship that he never should've been in, never mind brought a kid into Buster: None of us could've done shit about it until either of them did Rio: I could've said no Buster: No you couldn't, that's not you Buster: He never should've put you in a position to have to say yes or no to something like that Rio: he needed me to be that person Rio: to be strong enough to say no and realize how fucked it was Buster: He needed to be that person, not you Buster: He got there in the end Rio: too little too late Buster: He could've waited years, raising her himself, that would've been too late Buster: It was just in time Rio: I guess, yeah Rio: leave you to get on now Buster: Don't Buster: Come back to me instead Rio: I know you've got more important things to be doing Rio: and I've got to tell Grace not to pack too much Buster: Fuck that, you know you're the most important thing in the world to me Buster: I'm not letting you go Rio: Babe Rio: I'm fine, I promise Buster: You don't need to say that to me Buster: You can say whatever you want Buster: Whenever Rio: I know Rio: but I am, mostly Rio: you make me so happy Buster: Good Buster: What can I do to make you more than mostly fine? Buster: I'll round up every single one of your siblings if that's what you want Rio: that would be interesting to watch Rio: but also not gonna wish that on you Buster: I can handle it Rio: I've not forgot how capable you are Rio: but I can think of ways I'd rather put that to use, like Buster: Yeah? Rio: mhmm Rio: so many chores with your name on Rio: 😏 Buster: Consider them done as well then Rio: you're cute and I'm kidding Buster: I'm not so you'll be able to enjoy how good I look doing each of those chores Rio: ugh just be here Buster: Tell me that I have to leave now Rio: You should Rio: I need you Rio: we do Buster: If you need me, I'm there Rio: sometimes I just wanna marry you all over again Buster: Well, I also meant it when I said I'd marry you every year Buster: So you do owe me, like Buster: Nothing would cheer Grace up more than if we let her plan it either Rio: That's brave Buster: I am Buster: Like father like son, remember Buster: Probably do set her a budget though Rio: Are you serious Buster: Why not? Rio: Lots of reasons Rio: I'm pregnant, being one Buster: We can wait until after the baby's born if you want Buster: But you know you're gonna look beautiful regardless Rio: Shh Buster: No Buster: It's true Rio: You're a dope Buster: Marry me again Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Buster: Say yes Rio: obviously yes Rio: but that's not agreeing to anything right now Buster: Ask the wedding planner how long she needs Buster: Then get back to me Rio: You do know how extra and in your face she'd be Buster: Have you forgotten who you're talking to? Buster: I can handle extra, I am extra, babe Rio: oh I'll just leave then Buster: Shut up Buster: I'm on my way home to you, what more do you want? Rio: be included in my own wedding might be nice Buster: Baby Rio: no it's fine, go be extra Buster: Only with you Rio: 😏 mhmm Buster: I don't wanna do anything or go anywhere without you Rio: I know, babe, you don't need to beg Rio: maybe we should do it before I get huge again Rio: if we do Buster: I know I don't need to, but I want to Buster: I'm biased towards you being huge, you never look better to me than when you're carrying my kid Buster: So you can have as much say as you want on that Rio: well now you're just teasing me Buster: If anything, I'm reminding you Rio: feels like forever Rio: it's insane he's gonna be 4 this year Buster: Yeah Buster: How the fuck did that happen? Rio: blink and you miss it right Buster: Have I? Buster: Missed too much Rio: of course not Rio: you've been here the whole time Rio: we've got to feed 'em Buster: I feel like the harder I try to do the right things, the more I don't Rio: I think you're doing the right things for all of us Rio: but if you don't Rio: we can try something else Buster: I just want the best for all of us Rio: and it shows Rio: it'll feel easier when you're working not studying Rio: and you're so close now Buster: Jesus, he'll be in school by then Buster: That's such a headfuck Rio: I know Rio: and loads of my brothers and sisters are still in school, it's weird Buster: If they start having babies I really will feel old, like Buster: Tell Grace and Janis to calm down Rio: already warned them, don't worry Rio: blatant hypocrisy aside, I think the message was received Buster: I don't reckon I appreciated having a gay sister enough Rio: Hit her up with that text, like Buster: She'd appreciate it far too much Buster: Therefore, I can't Rio: actually I think it'd freak her out just as much as you so I wouldn't worry, babe Buster: Maybe if I get drunk enough at the wedding & she doesn't, like Rio: 🤞 Rio: and you let her be your bestman Rio: very gay Buster: & have her try to upstage me in a suit? Fuck off Buster: Saint's the only one who could Rio: well if you let Grace organize it everything will be pastel and she'll be out anyway so Buster: In that case, she definitely is Buster: Pink's my colour, babe Rio: 🙄 Buster: It's yours too, come on Rio: oh you've remembered who it's meant to be about Buster: Everything's about us, how could I ever forget that Rio: go away now I'm so busy Buster: Not for long, I'll be there in a few to do everything Buster: You're gonna be busy relaxing Rio: then hurry up Rio: stop talking about colour schemes Rio: wait 'til your bestie is here Buster: I'm gonna hurry up and put you in a warm bath, that's what's gonna happen Buster: Stop stressing Rio: I'm trying Buster: Having Grace here for a few days can't be worse than all that time we lived with Indie Rio: it isn't about that Rio: just giving her a place to sleep for a bit Rio: it's the rest of it all Buster: Alright, talk to me Buster: What happened, what did she say that's got you like this? Rio: I don't think she'd want me to tell you all her shit Rio: it's just sad Buster: I know how to keep a secret Buster: I'm not gonna go up to her ready to discuss all of hers Rio: I know you're not an idiot Rio: it's just girl's stuff Rio: kinda Rio: I don't think you'd get it Buster: If it's anything to do with lads and how big of a cunt they all are, I reckon I'll have no trouble understanding Rio: Partially Rio: but it's more what she thinks about herself, you know Buster: Right Rio: you can't be a cunt to someone who feels good about themselves, like Buster: You can, it just won't have the same effect Rio: yeah, it doesn't work Buster: They take the piss & she let's 'em then Buster: That's fairly standard Rio: That doesn't mean it's alright Buster: I didn't say it was alright Buster: But remember the bullshit we were getting up to at her age, that's what I am saying Rio: That doesn't excuse it either Buster: I ain't trying to, I'm trying to get you not to worry so much Buster: We turned out alright, didn't we? Rio: Forget it Buster: Obviously not Rio: I don't want to talk about it Buster: 'Cause you don't wanna give me the full story Buster: & There ain't fuck all I can properly say without that Rio: It's not your business Rio: or anything you need to worry about so let's just drop it Buster: She's gonna stay with us & you're making whatever it is that's going on with her your problem Buster: You're worried about it, sad about it Buster: How exactly does that make none of this my business? Buster: Remember earlier in this convo when you said we're a team, yeah? Rio: Because I'm gonna sort it Rio: there's nothing you need to do okay, it's good Buster: Fine Buster: You sort it Rio: I will Buster: You shutting me out of your family's shit worked out really well last time, like Buster: Why not Rio: That's not fair Buster: It's not fair that things ain't anything to do with me until they are Rio: What do you think you can do? Rio: giving her a place to crash is what we're doing Buster: You already told me it wasn't just that Buster: but whatever Rio: that's what we need from you Rio: it isn't your place to do anything more Rio: and I don't need you throwing my bad judgment in my face like I can't do anything right Buster: Like I said, fine Buster: You've got that from me Rio: No it's not fine Rio: but we are done here Buster: You're done, you mean Buster: Don't speak for me Rio: I'm not going to be talked to like that Rio: especially when you know how I feel about that whole situation, we literally just talked about it again in this conversation Buster: Well you should know how I feel about this blindspot you've got when it comes to your family Buster: Like we aren't one together Buster: Like I have to fucking beg to be let in Rio: That's how everyone is with their family Rio: it's normal Buster: Bullshit, you've put yourself in the middle of me & Nance, but god forbid I have an opinion worth listening to about any of your sisters or brothers Rio: because your family doesn't communicate Rio: at all Rio: it's different Buster: How's all that communication going for yours? Rio: I told you, I'm not gonna be spoken to like this Buster: I heard you the first time Rio: then stop Buster: I'll be walking through the door in a minute Buster: Are we gonna give each other the silent treatment or what? Rio: do what you want Buster: Rio Rio: Don't Buster: I don't want this Rio: what don't you want Buster: To be this angry Rio: and that's all my fault Buster: No Buster: It's mine Rio: look just Rio: say what you need to say Rio: we're not doing this when she's here Buster: I didn't mean any of what I just said, why would I add to it? Buster: I need to go calm down so I'll do that Rio: Alright Rio: be safe Buster: Don't Rio: why? Buster: Don't be nice to me right now Rio: hardly that nice Buster: Still Rio: I can't be nice now Buster: Not to me after I've been a cunt to you Rio: You've got a right to say what you feel Rio: even if I disagree Buster: It's not what I feel though Buster: You did what you thought was right, you are now for Grace Buster: It's one of the things I love about you, how much you care and wanna help Rio: I'm never trying to shut you out Rio: it's just some things are more delicate Rio: I can't even do much Rio: I could've explained it better, probably Buster: Nah, I made it all about me like that cunt Buster: It's just Rio: I know how hard all of it's been for you Rio: on you Buster: I thought I'd sorted it all out in my head or whatever but then you told me about the pregnancy and it brought so much shit back Buster: I'm happy, I am, that wasn't a lie Rio: I know Rio: that's bound to happen and it's okay Rio: it's always gonna be a mess Rio: none of us can escape that Buster: You were right the first time, its not okay that I spoke to you like that Buster: I'm sorry Rio: It's okay, I forgive you Buster: You know how much I love her, yeah? Rio: Of course I do Rio: I've never doubted it Rio: but it is different, admitting that doesn't mean you don't Rio: half the problem with Edie is that no one addressed that she wasn't just the same as the rest of us Rio: maybe if we'd let her be different, but show she was still loved Rio: who knows Buster: All I know is, we're gonna do better Rio: We have to Buster: We will, babe Buster: & Yeah her dad's a twat but he is still around so Rio: Yeah, we will Rio: and sadly Rio: no one wants him to be but that's life Buster: She might & if she does, that's what's important, like Buster: Not my giant ego Rio: least you'd be in Rio: not good company but the same, like Buster: I can't make it about me anymore, I'm not a kid Rio: Well we all are compared to him Rio: you're being really zen right now and that's cool but I'm allowed to be angry at him Rio: on my behalf, Junior's, hers Buster: I'm still angry, I just don't wanna take it out on you again Buster: Not like I just did Buster: I can't stand the cunt, you know I can't Rio: Yeah Rio: I know Rio: and I know it's pointless being angry about it but it's all I can do at this stage Rio: mum never stopped Drew from seeing Edie or vice versa, so I can't fuck up the one thing she got right Buster: Anger isn't pointless, you can use it same as you can anything else Buster: It's got me pretty far over the years Buster: Not that my last outburst should be taken as evidence Rio: it is in this instance Rio: I can't do anything I already have Rio: and I can't undo the shit I shouldn't have Buster: In this instance it's a reminder to keep doing better, like we said Buster: Maybe you can't help Junior but you can help Grace Buster: We can keep an eye on Janis & this lad she's seeing Rio: He was 19 Rio: it's not fair Buster: I know Buster: So was I when Chlo fucked me over Buster: You were even younger when Ryan pulled all that shit on you Buster: Then Drew Rio: Yeah Rio: but we're us Rio: we can handle it, right Buster: 'Course but my point is, none of that bullshit discriminates Buster: Like death, don't matter if you're a sinner or a saint, so the saying goes Rio: I just Rio: I don't know Buster: You wanna protect him, obviously Rio: and I didn't Buster: You can't Buster: Not all the time, things are always gonna happen Rio: yeah Rio: but so much Rio: to this fucking family Buster: Yeah Buster: Can I come home, please? Rio: You don't have to ask Rio: come back Buster: I really fucking love you Buster: Don't forget that, okay? Rio: Never Rio: I love you too Rio: forever Buster: Good Rio: Now come here Buster: [obvs does and it'd be a moment bye]

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: what are you actually doing Ronnie: having an orgy Ronnie: ain't you gutted you didn't stay Joe: was before Joe: however appealing or un that is Ronnie: cry to some other cunt Ronnie: I told you not to go Joe: I ain't interested in no other cunt, that's what I just said Joe: I had to, didn't I Ronnie: don't be a pussy Ronnie: you ain't gotta be a mummy's boy all your life Joe: it's christmas Joe: that's what has to be done Ronnie: and what? family's for life Ronnie: tell that to your ma Joe: you should've come Joe: it's a mess, you'd have had fun Ronnie: I don't do babies Ronnie: and I weren't invited Joe: me either Joe: and you are Joe: come now Ronnie: whoever the fuck your ma wants me to be ain't who I am Ronnie: try telling her the truth and see if I'm still given a seat Joe: you don't need to be anyone for her Ronnie: swallow your own bullshit sayings first Joe: alright so it's stupid Joe: but I need you here Ronnie: you can't have me there Joe: for fuck sake Ronnie: you want me or you wanna be her golden boy Joe: you know exactly which I want Ronnie: you think you know but one look at my tracks and fun's over baby Joe: I can have you and drugs Joe: that ain't mutually exclusive Joe: never has been Ronnie: you can't have fuck all around your family Ronnie: a uni degree and a 9-5 is your lot babe Joe: they'd not even notice Joe: baby central, yeah Ronnie: they'd notice me Joe: we could find out Ronnie: don't Joe: alright Joe: fine Ronnie: it's not all about you Ronnie: selfish prick Joe: I know you don't wanna be here Ronnie: then don't fucking ask me Joe: I know what I am Ronnie: you know who I am Ronnie: you're wasting your own time Joe: yeah Joe: and you know I don't care Ronnie: that's why you're there pissing away the day, yeah? Joe: what do you suggest? Joe: taken every pharmaceutical I could get into the country Ronnie: leave the country Ronnie: grow a fucking pair mckenna Joe: on xmas day yeah Joe: called a fantasy play the game Ronnie: you want me to show up Ronnie: why the fuck can't you? Joe: selfish prick Ronnie: I don't pretend to be anything else Joe: no, me Ronnie: it comes out of your mouth so easy for me Ronnie: just tell 'em Joe: tell 'em what Joe: I don't wanna see you no more Joe: bye Ronnie: any of the ugly truth will make her not wanna see you no more Ronnie: it don't take much Ronnie: pushed me out of her and right away, like Joe: that wasn't about you, was it Joe: selfish runs in the genes Ronnie: not deep enough when it comes to you Ronnie: you're fucking soft mckenna Ronnie: that your da's fault, yeah? Joe: yeah, you should be the favourite, we both know it but ain't gonna wish it on you Ronnie: nah she should've swallowed or got scraped Ronnie: did the next best though Joe: you want me to say lucky you so you can hate me for being privileged and ignorant Joe: I'll do it for you Ronnie: such a people pleaser Joe: you know it Ronnie: call me when you're ready to shatter your wine glass and put the pieces in your mouth Joe: you dare me? Ronnie: I'm not playing games here Joe: come on Joe: get your paper hat on Ronnie: you want me to get on some old bloke's knee too or is that where the fantasy ends? Joe: not got any grandparents Joe: sorry Ronnie: shame Joe: isn't it just Ronnie: but we don't have to let it die 'cause you're a letdown Ronnie: I know loads of old men Ronnie: some of 'em have gotta still be alive Joe: 🤞 the holiday blues haven't claimed them Ronnie: yeah 'cause you wanna be special Joe: but I am Joe: if I cared about it I'd say no old cunts Ronnie: I'll lick your brains off the wall when you pull the trigger baby, how's that? Joe: Better than Courtney, babe Ronnie: the bar ain't high then Joe: she might've pulled the trigger Joe: don't you want that? Ronnie: you know what I want Joe: you know what I can't give you today Ronnie: yeah and I know that's your fucking fault Joe: didn't ask for jesus to be born Joe: or for me to into this family Ronnie: stop having a tantrum and come back Joe: tomorrow Ronnie: today Joe: didn't drive Joe: what flight am i getting on christmas Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: I can't hack it Ronnie: drop a baby they'll kick you out faster than you can say merry christmas Ronnie: especially if it's one of your brother's Ronnie: gonna have limited brain cells as it is Joe: 😂 Joe: that would require picking one up and nah Joe: nope Ronnie: you've touched worse Joe: I don't know Joe: it's weird Joe: fucked Ronnie: they're just little bags of meat and bone Ronnie: get a fucking grip Joe: says you Joe: you ain't here Ronnie: for me it ain't about nothing but resisting the urge to shake 'em and how I don't reckon I've got that in me Ronnie: one of many negative impulses I fight or don't on the daily like Joe: like you said, be a kindness really Joe: they're all just pretending it's a good thing when it clearly ain't Joe: not got the energy Ronnie: jail ain't gonna be that for me Ronnie: and like I also said you ain't the only selfish prick that bitch spawned Ronnie: they don't know a good thing they ain't tried it Ronnie: shoot 'em up it'll be a decent christmas for everyone Joe: you've not got room for the gang tats Joe: I get it Joe: oddly enough I've not got 💉 on my prescription Ronnie: baby I'm nobody's bitch but 💉 Ronnie: and we're exclusive 💍 Joe: you wish Joe: making do every other time Ronnie: don't fucking remind me Joe: miss those student loans Ronnie: I'm gonna miss being a christmas temp Joe: not just for the lap sitting priviledges Joe: yeah Ronnie: knew you were into it Joe: just miss you Ronnie: don't say shit like that Joe: whatever Ronnie: I mean it, it hurts Joe: I'm sorry Joe: if I could go back and not find you Joe: I know I should Joe: I wouldn't but established Ronnie: fuck you Joe: yeah Joe: I know Ronnie: nah you fucking don't Joe: you reckon Ronnie: I said it Ronnie: you're the cunt saying shit you don't mean Joe: no I'm not Joe: just 'cos you don't need to hear it don't mean it ain't real Joe: it is, that's the issue yeah Ronnie: tell it to your ma Ronnie: well full of it Joe: why would I Joe: not trying to convince you of anything here Joe: it is what it is Joe: however fucked Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: yeah love you and all Ronnie: if you did you wouldn't have left Joe: ever Ronnie: shut up Ronnie: you're not funny mckenna none of you lot are Joe: who's trying to be funny Joe: what do you want from me Ronnie: you're a fucking joke either way babe Joe: make up your mind Joe: glad I amuse you now, apparently Joe: one of us should be having a good time Ronnie: laugh or cry, yeah? Joe: goes something like that Joe: could go full newborn and do a puke shit cry combo Joe: why not Ronnie: if you're rattling hard enough, anything's possible Joe: getting by Joe: making do is never the same as previously lamented but not gonna start convulsing in my plate Ronnie: shame Joe: 💘 Joe: dunno how you reckon on me ruining christmas Joe: sister just became a teen mum Ronnie: it's an od or a run out take your pick baby Ronnie: both have worked for me Ronnie: you say that like its not a badge of honor who wouldnt wanna follow in your ma's footsteps, like Ronnie: if she starts dealing too give her my number Joe: ha, I forgot to tell you Joe: there's one here already Ronnie: if you wanted me there you should have led with that Joe: I know right Joe: no one tells me anything Joe: you'd like him Joe: purely 'cos she hates him Ronnie: you don't tell me anything Ronnie: too late to ruin christmas now Joe: I know you'd be here if you wanted that more than you don't wanna be here Joe: but don't worry, atmosphere is awkward enough regardless Ronnie: could still show up for your brother's big birthday Ronnie: freckles is a no go but he's old enough now to be on the table Ronnie: work my way through by new years, yeah? Joe: hilarious, babe Ronnie: not joking babe Ronnie: fucking the dealer won't make enough of a splash Joe: you do know they know you're related, yeah Joe: even if he weren't gay Ronnie: didn't stop you Ronnie: and being a massive homo ain't ever stopped Charlie Joe: we all do trauma different don't we Ronnie: if you want some therapy for christmas we can roleplay that shit Joe: why would i settle for that when i've got drugs and you Ronnie: saying that ain't gonna make me not hate you Joe: good Joe: hate me Joe: don't be an idiot like everyone else Ronnie: baby brain ain't gonna be a thing over here Ronnie: 💔 Joe: my deepest sympathies Joe: can't say I'm sharing in your 💔 though Ronnie: when have I ever used an emoji meaningfully Ronnie: not a fucking kid Joe: damn Joe: I really thought you meant those 😍 Joe: 💔 Ronnie: fuck off Joe: 😂 Joe: you're cute Ronnie: count how many glasses you've had Joe: is that an OCD joke Joe: you're on 🔥 today girl Ronnie: you wish no lighters at the table baby Joe: Charlie really sticking to those rules hard Joe: how are you gonna light the pudding? Ronnie: afters ain't like that round here Ronnie: 💉💊🚬 Joe: it's minging Ronnie: you love it then, all the pain, like Joe: don't reckon we've actually got one either Joe: how passive-aggressive of them Ronnie: ma keeps bringing the disappointments, yeah? Ronnie: reckon your brother's golden boy now he's sprogged up Joe: I wish Joe: marginally less of a disgrace than Ali Joe: but still Ronnie: your sister is gifting those flashbacks for christmas Joe: Truly Joe: poor kid Ronnie: she should've picked a white lad Ronnie: calm your ma right down Joe: maybe next time Joe: 2nd time's a charm, eh Ronnie: yeah Joe: have you ever been knocked up Ronnie: could probably have got a freebie down the clinic how often I've been down to get rid Ronnie: none of 'em were yours though you can relax Joe: god bless the nhs Ronnie: you ever knocked anyone up? Joe: not to abortion stage Joe: just had to get plan b Joe: as far as I know, anyway Ronnie: cute Joe: thanks 💕 Joe: ours wouldn't be so thank fuck Ronnie: that kinda shit passes for a date for us scousers 💋 Ronnie: you don't want a kid with gills or two heads? Joe: hot Joe: least you could see what was up with it Joe: but 👶💀 Ronnie: can't and won't happen Ronnie: you'd have to fuck your fertile sister Joe: we can pretend that's why I like you Ronnie: you like me 'cause I'll always find a vein for you Ronnie: what else is there Joe: what ain't there Ronnie: 👶🍼 Joe: exactly Joe: one of the main things I look for Ronnie: are you on one knee right now or what? Joe: get you a rock worth having Joe: how's that for a proposal Ronnie: I don't trust it but I'll take it Joe: why not Joe: got that christmas cash Joe: not gonna waste it Ronnie: why would you wanna share with me, selfish prick from your own mouth, like Joe: 'cos getting high together is better Joe: deny it Ronnie: you know I can't Joe: gonna be a white christmas Joe: no need to trust just see Ronnie: when Joe: tomorrow Ronnie: don't fucking lie Joe: I ain't Ronnie: swear Ronnie: swear they ain't gonna guilt you into staying Joe: swear Joe: they ain't gonna even try Ronnie: make sure they let you on that flight Joe: 'course Joe: I'm totally legally medicated rn Ronnie: you're also a pussy Ronnie: bet all the younger siblings have drunk you under the table Joe: you're not wrong that lots of them pride themselves in their light alcoholism Ronnie: whatever gets 'em through the day, yeah? Joe: can't judge really Joe: not with a 💉 sticking out my arm Ronnie: that's tomorrow Ronnie: today anything goes baby Joe: I'll be the one to dish out the home truths Joe: that'd be unexpected Ronnie: someone's gotta your ma will be too busy trying to chuck the babies out Joe: playing hostess with the mostest 'cos can't keep playing the boy when she's got two kids here knocked up Joe: his ma is well smug 😂 Joe: *blaming Ronnie: one of us is having fun then Joe: take the small victories, ms cavante Ronnie: if she's not gonna kick your ma in the tits it'll have to do Joe: wish on a 🌠 baby Ronnie: I've got bad luck or no luck baby Ronnie: that shit don't work Joe: you won't care come tomorrow Ronnie: I don't care now Joe: see? Joe: lucky Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: seriously Joe: my head is Ronnie: I know Ronnie: mine screams too but I go louder Joe: I can't do anything in here Joe: need to go outside and none of those other bastards better take their 🚬 break 'til I'm done Ronnie: if you didn't give so much of a fuck you could do anything Ronnie: that's why I can't show up to your family christmas, you ain't ready mckenna Joe: just shut up alright Joe: let me fucking think Ronnie: you ain't keith richards how many more years of me do you need to stop having such a limp dick Ronnie: every junkie is on borrowed time Joe: you really thought you were gonna fix me Joe: come on now Joe: you're better than that Ronnie: I'm not better than anything Ronnie: lowest of the low baby Joe: then what Ronnie: you want answers from me? you're better than that Joe: no Joe: what the fuck are you doing Joe: you're the one wasting your borrowed time Ronnie: what, you're the only cunt who gets to hide from family christmas? Ronnie: I'm sick and they're sick of me Joe: I don't mean just today and you know it Ronnie: I don't give a fuck what you mean and you know it Joe: it's been years Ronnie: you want out, get out Joe: I don't Joe: but I'm the one with the limp dick Ronnie: yeah Joe: that's what I thought Ronnie: you think too much babe Joe: no shit Joe: don't wanna play therapy, thanks Ronnie: what do you wanna play then? Joe: you're sick, I'm sick Ronnie: no game Ronnie: it's how shit is Joe: fun never stops, babe Ronnie: if your idea of fun is making me wanna top myself, soft lad Joe: you can't Joe: you've gotta lick it up after Ronnie: can't I? race yous Joe: wait 'til I'm there Joe: don't ruin their day any more Ronnie: I'm already waiting for you to decide you wanna come back and be scum of the fucking earth with me again Joe: it ain't a choice to be made or not Joe: it's how shit is Ronnie: you made loads of choices to get there Ronnie: plane rides to dublin don't just happen Joe: basically Ronnie: pathetic Joe: yeah Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: don't agree with me Joe: disagreeing ain't gonna change that I'm here now Ronnie: you don't wanna change it Ronnie: you love it Joe: yep Joe: big time Joe: fucking hell Ronnie: you've got such a misery hard on, you shouldn't be near kids Joe: why don't you hit them up Joe: let them know Ronnie: you're the only cunt with their mummy on speed dial Joe: alright well I ain't up for telling everyone I'm a predator Ronnie: do you wanna fuck her too or what? Joe: do you? Ronnie: nah Ronnie: why I don't come running every time someone in your family blows their nose or whatever the fuck Joe: me either Joe: it's christmas fucking day Joe: how many times Ronnie: like this is the first and only time Ronnie: but I'm crazy, yeah Joe: you are Joe: you're nuts Ronnie: don't forget it Ronnie: I'll be crazier by tomorrow Joe: promises promises Ronnie: I promise I'll ruin your fucking life, prick Joe: oh honey Joe: that's not a brag Joe: not hard is it Ronnie: you ain't talking to fitz baby I don't brag Joe: you can't Ronnie: you think you can tell me what I can and can't do Joe: don't take it personal Joe: try it Ronnie: don't take it personal when I kick the shit out of you mckenna Joe: how can I not when I love it so much Joe: think on Ronnie: 'cause I still love you 😍💋💘 Joe: s'alright baby, the way I wanna go out Joe: 💀💀💀 Ronnie: call me when you've stopped pleasuring your ma, I'll make it happen for you Joe: so understanding all of a sudden Joe: who's got your phone Ronnie: fuck off Joe: there she is Ronnie: what now you miss me? Ronnie: running late there baby Joe: I already told you I did Joe: you said I weren't allowed no more Ronnie: I said don't tell me Ronnie: I can't handle hearing it if it don't change a fucking thing Joe: alright Joe: but it changes a fucking lot Joe: you know Joe: not just for you Joe: I promise I'm really fucked from it Ronnie: yeah? Ronnie: so stop fucking around and come back to me Ronnie: first chance you get Ronnie: 'cause it's shit Joe: I know, I really know Joe: you've got no reason to believe me but you will see me tomorrow Joe: regardless of what any of them have gotta say on it Joe: never wanted to be here so not prolonging it Ronnie: I wanna believe you Ronnie: don't fuck me over twat Joe: I won't Joe: fuck myself over too Joe: time to start being fully selfish prick, yeah Joe: there's enough going on now, don't need me Ronnie: tell the truth that you're threatened by the off their tits 18 year olds that birthday boy will be surrounded by Ronnie: got more game than you Joe: yeah Joe: not the one chatting about fucking the barely legals Joe: but sure Ronnie: you would if they'd give you the time of day mckenna Ronnie: come on Ronnie: one day in dublin turned you into an old dried up nun? Joe: I dunno, I've not scoped out the guestlist that hard Joe: unlike my brother, girls I've known since they were kids don't do it for me, what can I say? Ronnie: blood relatives only like Joe: only when they're you Ronnie: such a lost fucking cause Joe: don't worry, was before you Joe: not gotta add that to the tally Ronnie: our safe word can be trauma bonding Ronnie: loads in common Ronnie: 💘 Joe: you're alright Joe: when you're not a total raging bitch Ronnie: never then Ronnie: what am I when I'm a raging bitch? Joe: for me Ronnie: you sure you don't wanna party with the homos babe? that was proper gay Joe: fuck off Ronnie: write me a symphony next, yeah? Joe: and I'm the gay Joe: alright, romantic Ronnie: don't get an attitude 'cause I've fucked more lasses than you Joe: still time Joe: not as old as you Ronnie: you wanna make it to that age or what? careful how you talk to me Joe: wow, just like having a nan Joe: cheers babe Ronnie: fuck you Joe: 💘 Ronnie: we all know if you had a nan you'd wanna fuck her too Ronnie: step outside the family baby you might enjoy yourself Joe: doubt it Joe: do have one technically but she ain't all that Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: you need the scouse accent to get it up, yeah? Joe: you or the beatles ain't it Ronnie: that was mildly funny calm down Joe: steady on Joe: might think you like me Ronnie: won't last Ronnie: due a mood swing in like 2 seconds Joe: s'alright Joe: all 23 of you love me Ronnie: 😂😍 here 'course Joe: yeah, never trusting your emojis again Joe: need photographic evidence, like Ronnie: [sends it cos that bitch but imagine her actual grumpy cat face bye] Ronnie: in proper stitches, alright Joe: should play poker pro Joe: you're too cute though, never believe that face is 21 or over Ronnie: call me cute again and I'll carve it into your chest Ronnie: capital letters Joe: [sends voice memo] Ronnie: I proper fucking hate you Joe: you knew I'd wanna so you clearly want to as well Joe: don't blame me you sadist Ronnie: you know what I want mckenna Ronnie: we ain't got a secret santa going Joe: take these socks back Ronnie: you'll wanna keep 'em for your misery boner babe Joe: you've not got me an escort then Joe: gutting Ronnie: crazy, remember? you could fuck her but I'd have to kill her Joe: alright, I'll keep your charges at manslaughter level Joe: for you Ronnie: 💋 Joe: when do you next have a shift or are you done fully now Ronnie: tomorrow but that ain't happening if you've meant a word you said Joe: I'll make it worth it Ronnie: not hard to beat out retail when there's sales on Ronnie: wouldn't have gone if you were here or not Joe: don't tell me that Joe: I was talking 💸 not the #experience Ronnie: you wanna be my daddy too now? these roleplays are getting hard to keep count of Joe: again, thinking how much gear I'm gonna get but you can pout about it if you wanna Joe: already earned the scars so I don't mind saying it again Ronnie: rain man ain't a fantasy, gutted for you, like Ronnie: doing my best here Joe: you do it well Joe: smarter than everyone I know Ronnie: the princess will be gutted Joe: you don't have to tell her, like Joe: but not too fussed Ronnie: no secrets among scumbags baby Ronnie: even if she reckons she's levelled up Joe: you don't? Ronnie: anyone can drop a sprog Ronnie: trap a lad Ronnie: didn't saint your ma, did it? Joe: nah Joe: just don't reckon she was ever really one of us Joe: surprised if you do Ronnie: she wouldn't fight it so hard if she weren't Joe: I dunno Ronnie: I do, seen it loads Ronnie: gutters such a good fit it scares her shitless so she's gotta cling to that poor cunt Ronnie: he's her life raft through the shit Joe: hardly dragging him down though, is she Joe: not gonna be complaining any time soon, I've seen a lifetime of that Ronnie: everybody needs a fix that's theirs Joe: guess so Joe: no sign of getting over it any time soon Ronnie: I'm more likely to get clean before she does of him and I've got a nosebleed from all the shit B's ground up to stop me puking up Charlie's christmas feast Ronnie: sent my boss a pic though so it ain't all 💔 Joe: ☁ Joe: so glass half-full you, baby Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: can't be trusted with an empty one Joe: why are you the only one who talks any sense Joe: least all they're chatting is just waves now Ronnie: I pay attention Ronnie: you'd have broke your rules and 💘 me as a kid babe Joe: yeah? Joe: charlie's told me stories but never fully know what's bullshit or at the least exaggeration with him Ronnie: a solid 85% at least Ronnie: I was fucking feral though he's got that coined right Ronnie: you think I'm crazy now this shit's nothing Joe: I should've known you Ronnie: everyone who touched me back then has got a bite mark out of them Ronnie: you wouldn't have made it Joe: nah Joe: shit was different then Joe: so was I Ronnie: still gonna have been too soft whenever Joe: not the point though is it Joe: she should've got bitten Ronnie: she should've done loads of things Ronnie: she didn't Joe: I know Joe: fucked Ronnie: you won't give a shit tomorrow Joe: well Joe: be too numb to chat about it and think about it Joe: good as Ronnie: deal with it til then Joe: 🤐 got it Ronnie: unless you wanna bite your ma yourself like Ronnie: whatever gets you off Joe: you too Ronnie: cheers Ronnie: swallowing too much blood to fit in a dick but I'll try again later Joe: are you alright? Joe: where are the lads Ronnie: don't cry Ronnie: they're enjoying the show Ronnie: it ain't christmas til someone bleeds, pukes or pisses themselves Ronnie: can't give 'em the other two I ain't a pussy 💔 Joe: adorable, some would say Joe: is it really so much to ask that they keep you alive 'til I'm back Ronnie: relax I've had heavier periods Ronnie: you'll have to kill me yourself Joe: be fun trying Joe: challenge accepted Ronnie: hot Joe: don't forget it Ronnie: not gonna black out this shit ain't working that hard Joe: good Joe: call me needy all you want just don't go Ronnie: if I wanted to take the piss I could better than that Joe: not that gone either Ronnie: what are you on? Ronnie: 🍾 Joe: and my meds Joe: managed to get some extra 'cos I'm terrified of flying, obvs Ronnie: you're the one who's gonna die before you get here Ronnie: basically sober Ronnie: baby that's fucked Joe: I know Joe: options are limited Joe: not like I can go in on whatever anyone else is having when one lot is off the coke and the others are off the psychedelics Joe: fucking babies Ronnie: I mean, you could suck on the princess' tits but that ain't gonna give you what you really need Ronnie: talk to the dealer at your table, he's a baby too but he'll be holding something Joe: she's not got 3 Joe: and shut up Joe: though the latter isn't a terrible idea Joe: like you said, not gonna have anything good enough but Ronnie: I know, she weren't fully clothed for the 3way Joe: what part of shut up don't you get Ronnie: make me bitch Joe: such a twat you Ronnie: stop being a little fucking girl Joe: stop chatting about bullshit for a reaction Ronnie: you wanted me to stay Joe: yeah Joe: don't need to talk about that Ronnie: what then Ronnie: how much you love me Joe: anything but that Joe: literally Ronnie: I've plugged the 🩸 you can dry your eyes Joe: good Joe: don't be wasting it on something so lame Ronnie: you reckon that's lame I'm gonna have to eat the 💊 like it's the fucking 90s Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: very retro Joe: see what throwbacks I can get from this kid too Joe: be a party Ronnie: get your brother some poppers for his birthday Joe: probably be appreciated Joe: hence I won't Joe: chuck the obligatory tenner his way Ronnie: 🌈🙌 Joe: 😬 Ronnie: such a prude joseph Joe: you didn't have to live with them/partially raise them Joe: not something I wanna think about and they insist on making me constantly, pretty much Ronnie: didn't get to, you mean Ronnie: we're all 💔 babe Joe: you can revel in how much of a blessing it is on that score with your commiseration toast Ronnie: yeah Joe: yeah Ronnie: now we're finishing each other sentences 💘😍 Joe: christ 😂 Joe: oh Joe: you know uni sophie is engaged now Joe: wanna go if they make it down the aisle? Ronnie: I really fucking do Ronnie: did I miss her engagement party? Joe: dunno actually Joe: I'll actually ask next time she tries to talk Joe: bet she's missed you almost as much as me Ronnie: ask her now she'll have wished you merry christmas Joe: how'd you know? Joe: hacked my accounts Joe: hot Ronnie: I could but don't need to Ronnie: a 💍 don't mean she ain't still 😍💘 for you mckenna Joe: still only human, after-all Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: awh come on Joe: you know you wanna see 'em all in their festive jumpers Joe: [sends post] Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: she one of your plan b girls like, she's got fat enough that you might wanna check she swallowed it Joe: ugh no Joe: any plan b baby of mine would be toddling by now Ronnie: reassuring Joe: if you want 99% on that front I'll sweep the old friends list Joe: make sure they've got no offspring with the 👂s Ronnie: you reckon I haven't Ronnie: living with such a computer whizz Joe: true Joe: his talents are probably better spent getting free netflix Ronnie: way ahead of you Joe: boxsets are what the season is really about Ronnie: gutted you ain't here, yeah? Joe: yeah Ronnie: you'll be back in time for the finale where the korean robots stop fighting to the death long enough to save the world or whatever the fuck Joe: 😂 Joe: can't wait Ronnie: 'course not Ronnie: edge of your seat shit Joe: do you ever think about going back Joe: to liverpool Ronnie: for what? Ronnie: am I losing the accent? 💔 Joe: not as bad as I have Joe: I dunno Ronnie: no fucker there I wanna see Ronnie: you'll have to do the mckenna childhood ghost tour on your own Joe: come on Joe: gear must be good Joe: fuss they made about it Ronnie: it's decent here Ronnie: take another swing babe Joe: cheaper there Joe: everything, like Ronnie: you know how to get freebies Joe: fine Ronnie: I'm not gonna play house with you in that shithole, shut the fuck up Joe: I said fine Joe: jesus Ronnie: couldn't hear it through your tears like Joe: piss off Joe: it ain't about you Ronnie: you asked me if I wanted to go back Ronnie: I ain't stopping you Joe: can't anyway Joe: doubt their orchestra pays as well Joe: assuming there is one Ronnie: if everything's cheaper they don't need to Joe: whatever Joe: be a stupid thing to do regardless Ronnie: and you never do anything stupid, yeah? Joe: it's the one area of my life I don't Joe: yeah Ronnie: don't be a prick Ronnie: you know you could join the philharmonic Joe: I ain't going Joe: forget about it Ronnie: fine Joe: funny Ronnie: feels like shit don't it, getting one back Ronnie: just 'cause you're surrounded by sprongs don't mean you can't use your words Joe: you don't wanna go, there's nowt else to say Ronnie: it ain't about me Ronnie: you forgot you just said that already? Joe: doesn't mean I wanna go without you Joe: don't be stupid Ronnie: you can find another girl to shoot you up babe Joe: if you're gonna chat shit don't bother Joe: I love you Ronnie: give yourself a gift and hate me Joe: If I could, it'd have been on sight Joe: it's not like you charmed your way into my 💘 Ronnie: nah I injected myself into your veins Joe: don't give away your secrets Ronnie: not to shit on your christmas but it's only a secret for that lot where you are Joe: worst kept Ronnie: why keep it then? Joe: why announce it? Ronnie: you reckon she should get bitten, that'd do it Joe: 🥂 gather round fam Joe: they'd not believe it Joe: find a way to laugh it off, ignore the obvious Ronnie: roll up your sleeve, they can't fucking ignore that Joe: I'm pissing off mid-festivities Joe: that'll do it Ronnie: pussy Joe: what's it matter to you Ronnie: fuck you Joe: I mean it Joe: I'm coming back Ronnie: and that's all I give a shit about, yeah? Joe: obviously not Joe: but it makes no odds to you if I ruin their lives or not Ronnie: you're a cunt Joe: yeah Joe: but why specifically Ronnie: why the fuck do you think Joe: you want me to pick you Joe: to burn it all to the ground for them Joe: it ain't enough all the ways I've already done both Ronnie: you want me to be happy that you've had your cake and ate it Ronnie: nah, I hope you fucking choke baby Joe: I'll try my best Joe: I can't go back and make her keep you, there's shit I can do Ronnie: I don't want her, I want you Joe: it's been four fucking years Joe: you have me Joe: fucking Joe: I'd die without you Joe: I could get clean before I could leave you Ronnie: you did leave Joe: okay Joe: I did Joe: I left Ronnie: and they want you to stay Ronnie: these pricks want the princess here over me Joe: baby Joe: they want you Joe: they just need a chance to miss you, it's all it is Joe: we can go somewhere Joe: anywhere Ronnie: I'm fucking off to yours Ronnie: after that wherever Joe: I promise Joe: wherever you wanna Joe: and for how long Ronnie: wherever you want Ronnie: I don't give a shit Joe: it don't matter Joe: I just need to see you Ronnie: yeah Joe: you know I want you don't you Ronnie: show me when you drag your arse back here Joe: of course Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: it's like walking through a ghost town, you'd have such a boner if you were here Joe: shame Joe: is the cat there Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: singing carols for me Joe: she's talented Ronnie: shame I ain't a pushy stage ma Joe: why live vicariously when you can be a double-act babe Ronnie: you're not funny mckenna Joe: s'okay Joe: won't insist on being the warm-up Joe: not that kinda dad Ronnie: you need the practice though Joe: have to write my set on the plane Joe: impress you Ronnie: give you something to do besides cry and touch yourself Joe: not flying first Joe: or business even Joe: no blanket, no tissues Joe: 😿 Ronnie: poor baby Joe: I know Joe: tragedy Ronnie: I'm not doing the dance moves, like Ronnie: keep dreaming Joe: 💔 Joe: send me a video of your duet at least then Ronnie: [imagine that sassy cat please] Joe: I miss her Joe: shame she'd probably gouge our eyes out if we tried to take her with Ronnie: so will I but that ain't ever turned you off Joe: no one's going to ring RSPCA if they see me kidnapping you Ronnie: childline maybe Ronnie: I ain't forgot you said I had a fucking 👶 face you twat Joe: 😂 Joe: true Joe: but I'm banking on you being that offended you'll sort 'em out, like Ronnie: and you Joe: 💘 Joe: banking on that too Ronnie: 🖕💋 Ronnie: brb calling Briggs for a full face tat before you show up Joe: if you don't wanna kiss that bad, just say Ronnie: shut up Joe: so what's it to be Joe: spiders web Joe: skull Ronnie: see what the genius comes up with Joe: I look forward to the big reveal Ronnie: what time's your flight? Joe: [some ungodly AM 'cos xmas madness] Ronnie: fuck Joe: don't worry Joe: won't wake you Ronnie: all these pills will probably keep me up Ronnie: fuck knows Joe: n'awh, you wanna wait up for me Joe: how sweet 😏 Ronnie: kill yourself Ronnie: you've got more of my attention than korean death robots, calm down Ronnie: it's not a brag babe Joe: isn't it Joe: it's pretty epic if Bronson's livetweets are anything to go by Ronnie: it's the pills talking Joe: 😂 Joe: never have that affect on you 💔 Ronnie: deal with it Ronnie: I ain't gonna clean your flat, like Joe: probably enabling that, if you think about it Joe: so caring, babe Ronnie: how late did you leave packing there's shit everywhere Joe: I didn't Joe: only needed what I've got on Joe: got their presents in town Joe: easy Ronnie: you fucking knew you were gonna come straight back and still wanted me to beg Ronnie: maybe you ain't as soft as you were Joe: wanted makes it sound like I planned any part of it Joe: I knew I was coming back 'cos today was all I could stand Joe: being here, not being there Ronnie: don't ruin the fantasy Joe: poor baby Ronnie: yeah I am Ronnie: climbing the fucking walls here Joe: you or sid Ronnie: me and her Joe: babies Joe: what can I do Joe: need something to do Ronnie: do me Joe: alright Joe: call me Ronnie: [obviously does so we can end it there]

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: where are you? Janis: put my coat away and everything Jimmy: weren't allowed in Jimmy: face don't fit Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: serious Janis: thought you said you could get in clubs Janis: hang on then, I'll queue up again 😑 Jimmy: it ain't my fault the door bloke's a dickhead Jimmy: fancies his chances better without me in the way Jimmy: might as well go for it now Jimmy: catch you in a bit 👍 Janis: sure, he's got it in for you, boy 😏 Janis: whatever Jimmy: he wants to put it in you Jimmy: understandable when he's going off how well you scrub up Jimmy: keep it off the snap & it is whatever, girl Janis: gross Janis: he's easily 42 Jimmy: don't knock it til you've tried it Jimmy: we ain't in the north so that ain't death's door Jimmy: & you ain't got me there to buy your drinks now, play it smart, rich girl Jimmy: that's how you stay rich, yeah Janis: well I actually got in so I can check out the talent beyond the door 👍 Janis: but tah for the tips Janis: what are you gonna do then Jimmy: big town full of Leprechauns Jimmy: maybe I'll find the pot of gold, gay clubs are the rainbow I assume Jimmy: start there Jimmy: find my own 👴💕 Janis: 🍀 Janis: funny now but when I end up dead in the river you'll be suspect no.1 Jimmy: like anyone's gonna believe I could take you out Jimmy: too 💪 you Jimmy: worry more about everyone chatting that you turned me 🌈 honestly Janis: ha Janis: like you said, keep it off the snap Janis: anyone sees you in there they'll have to out themselves first so Jimmy: 👌 Janis: laters bae Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [finds him, the kiss, walking away] Jimmy: [follows her out leaving this girl like ??!! as she also follows for the awks] Jimmy: [says 'keeping it short & sweet all across town tonight then?' because now is not the time for bants so obvs he's banting] Janis: [is just looking at the girl like bitch what are you doing and ain't gonna talk to him whilst she's there] Jimmy: [lights a 🚬 for an excuse to be still standing there when he's being blanked, sharing with the random girl just to make it worse, introduces Janis to her by one of her fake names cos actual dickhead] Janis: [completely blanks the girl like it would be obvious you were not welcome; 'how do you know no one saw you?'] Jimmy: [the girl be like UM I'm going back in, are you coming boy & he shrugs like in a bit cos still smoking obvs to prolong this & let's her go before he answers cos not trying to explain fake dating to this random] Jimmy: ['you've been in, it's well dead 'cause of being well shit'] Janis: ['so you don't then, in other words. great.'] Jimmy: ['nobody saw me. Calm down.'] Janis: ['fuck off. if you can't do this properly then why suggest it?'] Jimmy: ['I am doing it properly, I told you, it's alright'] Janis: ['for you maybe but that ain't the only part of the deal so sort it out. fucking amatuer'] Jimmy: ['piss off am I. It is sorted. She ain't from around here & nobody who matters saw us.' Janis: [shakes head 'yeah, you are. fuck sake, how old are you, 12?'] Jimmy: [is clearly fuming but trying to act not bothered. 'You'll be the one who fucks this if you don't trust what I'm telling you, girl'] Janis: ['nah, get why they didn't let you in now; what is this, under 18s night? check how old she was, did you?'] Jimmy: [just gives her a fuck you kind of look but that's a mistake cos she's really hot so has to look away] Jimmy: you got in, what did you follow me to this shithole for? Janis: [is laughing at him but it's obvs fake, then shrugs like, why not?] Jimmy: nah go on, you're such a #pro Jimmy: reasons for everything you do, all part of the plan all the time with you Jimmy: so what Janis: well no shit Janis: I didn't want to come out but it's on socials now so we need at least one decent picture together so they know it's #real Jimmy: come on then Jimmy: [poses in a really fake piss taking way] Janis: are you this shit or what Janis: I said, do it properly or I ain't bothering Jimmy: [does that sexy blowing smoke thing at her so it's basically a kiss like that gif I have of Nico doing it in MMFD & snaps a pic of it] Janis: [nods like that'll work 'cos what's she gonna say] Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [then actually kisses her & again taking pics being all like don't say I don't do shit properly but like we both know he just wants to & its a moment] Janis: [pushes him back 'cos can't deal] Janis: that'll do Janis: keep it softcore, no one needs that much convincing Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: you're seriously going back in there Jimmy: [does the why not shrug she gave him earlier like its so obvious that you want her to tell you not to, boy please] Janis: [scoffs and shrugs back] Janis: have fun Jimmy: try not to fall or get pushed in the river, Joanne Jimmy: it'd be a crying shame that Janis: no one's pushing me away Janis: trust Jimmy: not in that outfit Jimmy: or out of it Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: you've done your snap bragging now, shut up Janis: can't make me Jimmy: 💪🏆 you Jimmy: get that too Janis: good Janis: don't get it twisted Jimmy: 👑 of the #flex Jimmy: nowt twisted here Janis: flexing makes it sound like it ain't true Jimmy: [sends her the pics so she can post them cos ultimate shade for rn that he won't] Jimmy: none of this is Jimmy: what did you say, don't get it twisted, Janet Jimmy: have fun with your #s Jimmy: [goes back inside] Janis: piss off Janis: I can get into places that ain't this dump, remember? Jimmy: you ain't let me forget Jimmy: enjoy being a hot girl then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🤞 you can find one yourself Jimmy: tah Janis: so welcome Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: lovely you Jimmy: [leaves again because it actually is shit in there & obvs not feeling it] Janis: don't take it personal Jimmy: weren't & won't Janis: how unlike you Jimmy: you reckon you know what I'm like Janis: I reckon you love thinking you're special Jimmy: if I loved that we wouldn't be doing this Jimmy: I'd just let 'em all fawn over me like its their job while I do mine Janis: better in theory and bullshit than in practice Janis: 🤷 Jimmy: say the same for this fake girlfriend bollocks Janis: 💔 for you Janis: naturally Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: I'll live Janis: shame Jimmy: 💔 for you then Janis: yeah, should be Janis: inconsiderate Jimmy: reckon you've got that covered, my dear Jimmy: but I'll do my best Janis: excuse me? Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: & I bet you understood, smart girl Janis: are you drunk? Jimmy: you calling me a lightweight Jimmy: I weren't in there that long Janis: long enough Janis: 👍 Jimmy: for you maybe Janis: soz you didn't get stinky fingers? Janis: 🎻 Jimmy: yeah you looked proper sorry about it Janis: was I meant to be? Jimmy: don't bother saying it now then Janis: 🙄 Janis: did you a favour anyway Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: please Janis: even you could do better Janis: not doing this so you can throw all my good work away already Jimmy: than a girl who's not from around here, ain't gonna say shit & I don't need to see again Jimmy: not really Jimmy: but go on Janis: whatever, if that's your type Janis: then you may as well make your choice of the basics now and be done with it Jimmy: I don't have a type Jimmy: she did the job for tonight Jimmy: or would've until you turned up Jimmy: if you've got someone better in mind, I'm heading home, send 'em over Janis: lovely you Jimmy: I know Jimmy: tah though Janis: no, thank you for proving my point Jimmy: so welcome Janis: gone, was she Jimmy: or 💀 from the 🔪🔪🔪s you were throwing Jimmy: could've easily bled out while you were having your strop Janis: just playing the part Janis: like you were meant to Janis: or you want your fake gf to be that cool girl Janis: 🙄 figures Jimmy: I only clock in when there's actually an audience, babe Jimmy: like you're meant to Jimmy: & as I told you, there weren't Janis: sure Janis: you did a whole sweep of the club to doublecheck Janis: idiot Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: it ain't big or packed Jimmy: & anyway if you were playing a role you'd have kicked off in front of the everyone you're so sure was about Jimmy: not outside to me Janis: not my style Janis: but you did your part by following me out like a puppy so we're fine Jimmy: 'cause I ain't no amateur Jimmy: weren't gonna let you fuck it up by fucking off without a word Jimmy: thought you paddy's loved a bar fight Jimmy: actually 💔💔 Janis: and I know boys love bitch fights, don't mean you're gonna get one from me Jimmy: gutted me Jimmy: of all the fake girlfriends I could've had Jimmy: lumbered with a dud like Julie over here Janis: find another one then Janis: save me the hassle Jimmy: bit late for that Jimmy: deal's done Jimmy: posts are posted Janis: people break up Janis: ain't even that deep Jimmy: 1 day in? Jimmy: that's the rep you want Jimmy: alright then Janis: why ain't it your rep Jimmy: I'm the lad I'm always gonna come off better Jimmy: either I dumped you this fast 'cause you wouldn't fuck me or 'cause you did Jimmy: It don't matter to me Jimmy: & It don't look bad for me whichever way Janis: that's bullshit Janis: when's the soonest I can get out of this then Jimmy: yeah but it's the way it'll look Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: not had to stage a fake break up before Janis: fuck sake Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: fuck off with that Janis: all you've done this whole time is whine you didn't get laid Janis: like I stopped you Jimmy: I ain't said shit about it even though you did stop me Jimmy: you're the one with so much chat on the subject Janis: bullshit, you're moaning on and on like I'm gonna feel sorry for you Janis: you could've gone back in, she clearly didn't care you've got a fake girlfriend Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: & you clearly scared her off Jimmy: she didn't know about you, I don't lead with that chat up line Janis: yeah she's that fucking stupid Janis: just 'cos you're oblivious don't reckon everyone else is Jimmy: oblivious to what Jimmy: you weren't there & I didn't give her anything real Jimmy: she can't stalk my socials to check my fake relationship status without my name Janis: when I showed up Janis: to me, playing my part Janis: if you reckon she didn't clock that then you're literally braindead Jimmy: like I said, you scared her off Jimmy: & stopped me Jimmy: why am I repeating myself, are you the drunk one now Janis: bullshit Janis: don't use me as an excuse for whyever you pussied out Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: I went back in, I don't need excuses it's literally what happened Jimmy: you fucked it up for me Jimmy: I'm good but nobody's that good Janis: 👌 Janis: whatever makes you feel better about your fuck up Jimmy: whatever makes you feel better about putting on a show for nobody but me & her Janis: you wish Jimmy: if this is your coming out, sure you could track her down & crack on, you did me easy enough Janis: hilarious Janis: even if I was gay, I'd have standards Jimmy: I've got standards but I've also got a nightmare of a fake girlfriend so Jimmy: well paranoid about getting rumbled she is Janis: 1. clearly not Janis: 2. well yeah, 'cos I ain't doing this for my fucking health Janis: like you said, you're gonna fuck up my rep when you've promised the opposite Jimmy: 1. I've already told you, needs must Jimmy: 2. fuck knows why you're doing it when you're so up yourself & convinced you can get anyone else you want Jimmy: like I said & yeah, promised, a deal's a deal Jimmy: I ain't gonna do nowt of the sort Jimmy: just calm down Janis: yeah, this is 100% about getting boys to wanna ride me Janis: boys are easy, no one needs to try to impress yous Janis: and don't tell me to calm down, seriously Janis: 'less you wanna see the opposite Jimmy: I don't give a shit what it's about for you Jimmy: you agreed to do this that's all that matters to me Jimmy: but I knew that's how you 🍀 welcomed the tourists Jimmy: better late than never Janis: stop chatting like you know then, twat Jimmy: only a rule for you that? Jimmy: you've been chatting like you know me this whole night Jimmy: leave it out or show up to my door for the brawl you want & tick off another nightmare girlfriend cliche before tomorrow Janis: you reckon you can propose it and come off all mysterious Janis: nah 😂 Janis: don't worry, sure everyone else is still wondering, new boy Jimmy: 👍 Janis: we're probably good now for a few days anyway yeah Janis: so enjoy Jimmy: will do Jimmy: have a good one Jimmy: 💕 Janis: say you too but you're going home? Jimmy: like I said, I'll live Jimmy: got work tomorrow anyway Janis: best to face them not-hungover I guess Jimmy: we can say that's the reason Janis: oh my GOD Janis: give it up Jimmy: already have Jimmy: that's why I'm on my way home Janis: I mean, sadsack, I ain't apologizing Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: so much effort, you Jimmy: you too, babe Jimmy: must be #fated Janis: eurgh Janis: shut up 😂 Jimmy: alright Jimmy: night then Janis: now he listens Jimmy: not on the 🕒 girl, soz Jimmy: soon enough Janis: you hear me asking for a latte Jimmy: I mean your fake boyfriend one Jimmy: & you'd never ask for a latte, piss off Jimmy: I don't have to know you to know that Janis: MY 🕒? Janis: YOUR fake girlfriend one, own it at least Janis: alright, you can 'know' that much Janis: 'cos I'd have to throw it in your face before I drank it so Jimmy: iced it is then Jimmy: burn scars ain't the sexy sort Janis: rude but true Janis: not giving them the satisfaction of a wet t-shirt moment 🤢 Jimmy: shame Janis: like romcoms too do you Janis: seriously, give in to your pride and date fucking Janis: samantha, whatever her name is Jimmy: I watched some before I suggested this 'cause I take this shit seriously, alright, shut up Janis: 😂 Janis: that bodes well Janis: did you not make the end of any, boy Jimmy: fuck that Jimmy: I was skimming Jimmy: you ain't paying me nowt for this Janis: well I've been forced through enough to know that it never works because the people are idiots Janis: so try not to be one, eh Janis: just this once Jimmy: same to you, girl Jimmy: I get it, I'm really 💪😎 & the accent's 🔥 but don't get carried away, yeah Janis: 🙄 Janis: we're safe Janis: don't worry Jimmy: not if you keep dressing like that Jimmy: sort it out, Jasmine Jimmy: uglier the better 👌 Janis: dickhead Janis: what you want an ugly fake gf for Jimmy: be more #goals Jimmy: #Iloveheranyway Jimmy: #itaintjustskindeepladies Janis: 😒 Janis: well thanks for the insult but too bad 'cos I ain't ever Jimmy: It was literally the opposite of an insult, dickhead Jimmy: I'm saying I'm still a lad alright Jimmy: & when you look like that it's just Janis: it obviously ain't if until now you reckoned I was #ugenough to get the job done so 🖕 Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: that ain't what I reckoned or what I said Janis: mhmm Janis: ⛏ Jimmy: you're such a knob Jimmy: what kind of fake girlfriend can't take a compliment Janis: what kind of fake boyfriend can't give one Janis: that's the real question, babe Jimmy: I literally just told you how hot you looked, babe Jimmy: try & stay with me here Janis: go on then Janis: what's the punchline Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: the joke is that I'm back home this early Jimmy: my dad's still up Jimmy: & he ain't the type to wait Janis: that's tragic Janis: poor baby Janis: could be worse, he could still be out Janis: then you'd be a real loser Jimmy: I see that & raise you he's got his girlfriend here Jimmy: might genuinely throw up in the kitchen sink Janis: oh dear Janis: least he might think you're at least drunk, sadsack Jimmy: might get drunk now to deal Jimmy: one sec Janis: honestly Janis: shoulda stayed at the nappy night Janis: weren't that bad Jimmy: if I'd known I was coming home to Michael Bublé & two sets of red wine teeth Jimmy: if you still want that fight come & 💀💀 me Janis: You'll get no mercy from me Janis: even if that's the worst thing I've ever heard Jimmy: come on Jimmy: if that's not truce worthy nowt is Jimmy: end my life & be a hot widow what could be more #goals Janis: 😂 Janis: there's no way I like you that much after a day, even faking it Janis: and no chance we've cashed in any sort of life insurance so Jimmy: actually if I 💀 myself you'll get A's in your exams Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: just leaving you a 💕 note Janis: that's definitely a myth Janis: whole school of scabs turning up at cambo like eyy someone topped themselves so now I'm a professor of theology Janis: I think not Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: & you could've said before I blew my brains out all over my dad & the love of his week but Janis: 🤷 Janis: maybe if you hadn't left it 'til the 💕💀 note to be nice to me Jimmy: when that girl finds out she's gonna think it's because she's a shit kisser Jimmy: that's awkward Jimmy: might have to go haunt her for a bit Jimmy: make sure she knows Jimmy: play some Bublé tunes Janis: again Janis: saving it for the afterlife to be considerate Janis: dickhead Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: tell 'em none of his songs at my funeral & I won't haunt you too hard Janis: come on, sure he's murdered my way Janis: just your speed Janis: basic white boy Jimmy: It ain't my fault my parents are both too northern to branch out Janis: save it for when your Swayze'ing that bitch Janis: sure she thinks you're dead exotic Jimmy: 👍 idea Jimmy: tah babe Janis: whatever Janis: we've established you've only got 👎 ones so Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: this fake dating one is working out top Jimmy: deny it Jimmy: I saw how everyone reacted to the posts I gave you Janis: you can take a picture Jimmy: & pose for one Jimmy: this basic white boy is working for you Janis: my ancestors will be thrilled Janis: #reparationsbitch Jimmy: mine too, I bet Janis: I mean, anything beats dying down a mine, I suppose Janis: probs racists though, even if the blackface weren't intentional Jimmy: I'd take it over my present right now Jimmy: pretty sure my dad's a racist still, even if he also likes Seal Janis: lovely Janis: remind me to not come over for tea Jimmy: invite's in the post, my love Janis: 👍 Janis: give us all the chance to 'lose' it Jimmy: 'course Jimmy: but I'm giving you the chance to lose it when you come over too so Jimmy: love a fight you Jimmy: & my dad's got a very smackable face Jimmy: & personality Janis: begin to sound more and more like you've got a fetish Jimmy: shit's kicking off right now & I haven't asked you to tag team Jimmy: got me all wrong Janis: bummer Janis: he pick a minger too? Janis: should've left her at the club like you did Jimmy: he'd have to leave her in the office & that don't work for long Jimmy: perils of 😍 over the water cooler Janis: eurgh Janis: is your whole fam just one big cliche or Jimmy: piss off Janis: just saying Janis: that's two no-nos ticked off Jimmy: well don't say it Jimmy: I'm living it, that's enough Janis: alright Jimmy: alright Jimmy: don't fuck anyone I wouldn't Jimmy: saves us comparing notes Janis: the basic white girls and you are safe Janis: I'll never find out how disappointing you are 💕 Jimmy: You've misunderstood this entire thing, you're my fake girlfriend 'cause I don't wanna fuck basic white girls Jimmy: but 👌 Janis: I thought so too but you must be the confused one Janis: strobe lights were not going that hard Jimmy: she weren't top of my list Jimmy: I told you, needs must Janis: keep protesting, it's so convincing Janis: least it's just me who caught you out 😂 could've been worse Jimmy: alright shut up Jimmy: you've never had a shit night, have you Janis: obviously not Janis: have you seen me Jimmy: you ain't getting no more compliments I'm still holding onto the last one since you wouldn't take it Janis: 1. it was not a compliment Janis: 2. not like I need it Jimmy: 1. yeah it was Jimmy: 2. nah you just want it Janis: 1. no Janis: 2. and no Jimmy: Obviously you're fit that's why I asked you so leave it out Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: p sure you told me to leave it 'cos you were losing but Jimmy: need more chatting up than a real girlfriend you Janis: that's just a tragic insight into your dating history I didn't need, really Jimmy: you wish, baby Janis: ew cease and desist Janis: we definitely no'd that one Jimmy: 😂 Janis: so annoying Jimmy: I told you, #fated Janis: you call it #fated, I call it #doomed Jimmy: it's all still bollocks Jimmy: no # needed Jimmy: 💕 Janis: so poetic Jimmy: wait til you read the 💀 note Janis: I look forward to it Janis: how long 'fore I can move on with the actual hot barista though Jimmy: a day for a day Jimmy: only fair Jimmy: I get it, you couldn't score him first time round so get him with the sympathy Jimmy: well played Janis: you gave me no time Janis: not like it's my usual haunt Jimmy: it's still your home town Jimmy: get a better excuse Janis: I don't make it my business to know everyone else's Jimmy: if he's that hot no need for him to be just a rebound off my demise Jimmy: sort yourself out, girl Janis: sort yourself out for doubting his hotness Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: I'm doubting your ability to close that deal Janis: fuck you Janis: never had an off day, remember Jimmy: only got your word for that Jimmy: & what's that worth with how much shit you chat Janis: whatever Janis: you already said you think I'm hot Janis: can't change your mind now Jimmy: you are Jimmy: don't mean that basic white lad wants you Janis: why wouldn't he Jimmy: I'll let you know when I've chatted to him on shift tomorrow Jimmy: maybe he likes his missus' more humble for a start Janis: no you won't Janis: and humble is just code for no self-esteem which you only want to cover up your own failings Jimmy: yeah I will Jimmy: & yeah maybe he's into that Jimmy: loads of lads are Janis: um he's #special and #different Janis: so don't ruin it for me with your chatter Jimmy: you're blinded by your 😍 Jimmy: & you ruined tonight for me so why shouldn't I Jimmy: makes us even Janis: no it don't Janis: she weren't no barista boy, get real Jimmy: don't matter to me Jimmy: nowt in the rules about keeping things fair Jimmy: we didn't even come up with any so Janis: even=fair so you don't get to get even by that logic, fool Janis: and pretty self-explanatory, just real relationship rules but make them fake Jimmy: even as I call it, fair as I call it Janis: fuck that Janis: you don't get to call everything Jimmy: watch me Janis: nah, you need me Janis: remember Janis: that's why it's a deal Jimmy: maybe I don't need you as much as I reckoned Jimmy: the basic white girl tonight weren't that bad Janis: like I said, call it off then Janis: in what world do I need to do what you tell me Jimmy: in the same world where you think I would do anything you tell me Jimmy: so the one we're in Janis: I ain't told you to do shit Jimmy: you are now Jimmy: call it off yourself, don't try & make me do it for you Janis: I'm saying don't act like you've got something over me Janis: at least something that I don't also have over you Janis: it ain't that deep, God Jimmy: deep enough for you to keep saying it ain't Jimmy: so convincing, babe Janis: 😑 Janis: you're the most annoying person I've had the misfortune of meeting Jimmy: nah 🥇 you Janis: well I love myself Janis: so obviously not Jimmy: let's ask about Jimmy: I reckon you'll win easy Janis: only if we were asking only the girls Janis: and you're new, you're basically anything they want you to be 'til your personality ruins it Jimmy: you're so popular with the lads, alright I heard you the first 100 times you said it Jimmy: get one of them to fake date you Janis: nah, this is the first sincere offer of fake dating I've ever Janis: so you can still feel special Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: I can go to bed feeling like this is better than anything I could dream Jimmy: tah so much Janis: welcome Janis: do what I can Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: so far it's piss me off but let's see what tomorrow brings Janis: ain't on the ⏲ Janis: you didn't do all the convincing yourself though Jimmy: you ain't the one who needs to be convinced of owt Jimmy: thank fuck Jimmy: easy targets Janis: ain't saying I am Janis: saying give me the credit I'm owed and you'll get yours Jimmy: bollocks Janis: ? Jimmy: you were ready to slag me off earlier & loving it when you could give me credit for getting off with someone who ain't gonna ruin this Janis: it ain't the who it's the where, twat Janis: it ain't your hometown, you ain't got a clue who was or wasn't there, lbr Janis: give a fuck if you took her home but you can't be doing it in public 'til this is done Janis: simple as Jimmy: fuck's sake Jimmy: trust me Janis: why? Janis: I don't know you, you don't know me Jimmy: we're in this together or we're fucking not Jimmy: if I weren't as bothered as you I wouldn't be wasting my time Janis: fine Janis: don't be stupid about it then Jimmy: I weren't & I won't Janis: then there's no problem here Jimmy: 👍 Janis: night then Jimmy: 💕 Janis: remember to ❤ the pics Jimmy: already did Jimmy: try & keep up with me, girl Janis: 👌 Janis: keen as always, boy Jimmy: serious Jimmy: remember that next time Janis: yeah, I was the one taking it not serious Janis: 👍 Jimmy: just do better tomorrow Janis: are you actually taking the piss Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: one for the road, like Janis: mm Janis: as I said Janis: most annoying Jimmy: as I said, SUCH a good match Janis: just convince them and we're both free Jimmy: already did that too Jimmy: so say the word Jimmy: any time or place Janis: and you already said if we leave it at a fuck, I look bad so Janis: sorry, not yet Jimmy: I'm just saying Jimmy: whenever Janis: alright, I know Janis: not like it's a legally binding contract Jimmy: so I shouldn't have opened a vein to sign something in my blood Jimmy: now she tells me Jimmy: always too late you Janis: 😏 Janis: earlier it was brains, now it's veins Janis: should I call the samaritans Janis: starting to sound like a cry for help, idk 🤔 Jimmy: you heard me say what's happening in my house tonight Jimmy: it is & you should Janis: 😂 Jimmy: glad you find MB on a loop such a laugh Janis: as long as it's drowning out worse Janis: be thankful Jimmy: do you actually want me to 💀💀💀 Janis: awh babe, no Janis: I don't care whether you live or die either way Jimmy: 💕 Janis: that's the type of service you get for free, kid Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [ze next morning] Janis: I've got to come in later Jimmy: really need to throw that latte on me? Janis: ha, obviously Janis: tell me when my sister and that get there, yeah Janis: remember what they look like Jimmy: it was only a handful of kisses, you gotta get over your jealousy about last night, Jill Jimmy: & yeah Jimmy: my best customers that's the type of service you get here at the CG Janis: strangely enough, not about you or my fake jealousy Janis: just lay off the charm offensive for five when I get there, that's all I need you to do Jimmy: alright Janis: 👍 Janis: see you then Jimmy: in a bit Janis: it'll be easy, no drama Jimmy: no fake break up then Jimmy: 👌 Janis: sorry to disappoint Jimmy: yeah I'm well 💔💔💔 Janis: make it up to you Janis: you'll get tons more #lad points Jimmy: clearly my top priority tah Jimmy: what's going on? Janis: I know you're just as 😍 for him Janis: nah, nothing, my sister's just being more of a bitch than usual Jimmy: you can't know I've been so careful with my 💘 & 😍 around him so there Jimmy: & what you wanna shut her up Janis: oh babes 🙊 Janis: yep Janis: need to, actually, but that's the gist Jimmy: don't she believe we're madly in love? Jimmy: bit rude Janis: appaz, you have no control over your 😍 at all 'cos she #knows you're into her so Janis: 👌 tah Jimmy: 1. she can piss off 'cause I've never Jimmy: 2. I know exactly what to do Janis: yeah, she's full of shit Janis: well so do I but open to ideas Jimmy: you get to do what you want, she's your sister & they weren't my 😍 Janis: 👍 stick to the plan then Janis: she's an idiot, you have to be blatant or she won't get it Jimmy: you gonna tell me the plan or nah Jimmy: & I get paid not to be blatant, gutted as I am about it Janis: you won't get in trouble Janis: not gonna go that hard Jimmy: not what I asked Janis: like you're as dumb as her? Janis: just gotta come be really #goals in their faces Janis: 5 minutes, tops Janis: easy Jimmy: double it if you wanna be #convincing Jimmy: never given a girl so little time in my life Janis: #swoon 😏 Janis: like I said, not gonna go that hard 'cos it has to be in front of them Janis: that's the whole point Janis: just look like you're having fun, yeah? Jimmy: you have to go hard in front of them, that's the whole point Jimmy: not as dumb as her tah Janis: 10 minutes is a bit much for making out Janis: could get it done in that time Jimmy: who have you been making out with? Jimmy: actually gutted for you Jimmy: can't even add the piss taking emojis right now Janis: shut up Janis: I'm not gonna suck face with you for 10 minutes Jimmy: if you can't hack it, call it off now Janis: 😑 Janis: just tell me when they're there Jimmy: said I would Janis: saving the enthusiasm, I get it Jimmy: that & drying my eyes over your real dating history Janis: what are you chatting now Jimmy: nowt Jimmy: just making ☕ Jimmy: you're the one giving away your shit kissing secrets Janis: piss off Janis: there's nothing wrong with my kissing Janis: it's just the boring bit, everyone knows that Janis: may as well skip it Jimmy: if you're doing it wrong, yeah Janis: you aren't an expert Janis: people like different shit, alright Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: you ain't meant to be coming in swinging Janis: stop being a dick then Janis: it's off-putting Jimmy: if you're that easy to put off this fake relationship is properly doomed Janis: I told you Jimmy: get it together or don't come Janis: I'm fine Janis: you're the one chatting shit Janis: you've got one job Jimmy: two Jimmy: get it right, rich girl Janis: yeah, so drop the relationship therapist bit Janis: no one's buying Jimmy: I get it, you're rich 'cause you're tight with every penny Janis: You're just full of shit, and I get that for free Janis: 🍀 me Jimmy: you wish I were Jimmy: but we ain't making 'em come true until the girls get here so Janis: why would I want that Jimmy: my therapist bit's been dropped Jimmy: at your request Janis: we'll talk about this comedian bit later Janis: I've got things to do Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: me too Janis: things that require more than one braincell but Janis: happy for you Jimmy: soz I'm not performing brain surgery right now Jimmy: well patronizing you Janis: whatever Janis: unlikely to catch my sister or obs so suits my purpose Janis: on* Jimmy: happy for you Janis: suits yours too Janis: or were you looking for someone to be really into you slobbering all over them Janis: shoulda been clearer Jimmy: there's nowt about kissing you for exactly 5 minutes mid shift at my job which suits me Jimmy: but go on Janis: I said 5, tops Janis: get it done in less if you're gonna be so moody Janis: yes or no, can I come in or what Jimmy: do what you want it's your masterplan Janis: well not if you're actually gonna get in trouble Jimmy: like you give a shit about my job security Jimmy: plenty of places to make a latte in this town Janis: I ain't that much of a bitch Jimmy: who knows maybe you'll do me a favor & force me into a job that requires two braincells next Janis: shut up Janis: it was a joke Janis: and you started it Jimmy: really funny you Janis: backatcha Jimmy: 💕 Janis: forget about it Jimmy: alright Janis: nothing lost, yeah Jimmy: nowt gained either but Jimmy: whatever Janis: well despite what you reckon, my secondary goal wasn't to get you sacked so Janis: sorta outweighs the need to get back at them Jimmy: you couldn't get me sacked if you tried Jimmy: you've got one foot out the door before you're even in Janis: you want me hanging about all day Jimmy: not what I said or meant Jimmy: I've had more of a connection with a customer whose order got fucked up than what you're planning to give me Jimmy: who the fuck is that meant to convince Jimmy: but I'm the one not doing this properly Janis: maybe we should fake hang out some more after this Janis: alright Janis: but all you've gotta convince 'em rn is that you wanna fuck me Janis: that's all they care about Jimmy: then I'll let you know when they show up Jimmy: like I said Janis: yeah? Janis: alright Janis: thanks Jimmy: nowt to thank me for Jimmy: blue balls is easy to fake when my dad's getting fucked more often than me Janis: 🎻 then Jimmy: 💔 but I got all those MB jams from last night in my head to mend it Janis: come through for you after-all Jimmy: he'll come to me forever now with those words of wisdom Jimmy: I'll never be free Jimmy: mind numbing job combined with mind numbing family life Jimmy: so few braincells Janis: what was it you said at the start of this convo Janis: need to let it go Jimmy: I can say what I like Jimmy: who are you Jimmy: let go of your fake being bothered Janis: fine Janis: have fun chatting shit to your customers then Jimmy: I survive on tips so I very much will Janis: don't know if sob story is the way you wanna go but Janis: you do you Jimmy: if you're sobbing, you do you Jimmy: probably get out of the mansion a bit more though Jimmy: it's fairly common out here Janis: boohoo? Janis: lemme dry my tears on a 50 Janis: what do you expect me to say Jimmy: don't say nowt Jimmy: shut up Janis: erm, say what I like Janis: who are you Jimmy: the one you're chatting shit to Jimmy: fuck knows why Janis: fucking hell Janis: what is wrong with you this morning Jimmy: the same thing that's wrong with me every morning Jimmy: but since you don't know me Jimmy: 1. it's news to you and 2. we don't need to go into it Janis: 👍 Janis: later Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [skip to lunch time when they'd show up & so would loads of other people lol] Jimmy: head's up, Juliet, your time to shine Janis: right Janis: okay, be there in 10 Jimmy: take as long as you need Jimmy: they ain't even ordered yet Jimmy: it'll look weird if you come through the door too soon after them Jimmy: like we planned it Janis: ha Janis: true enough Janis: they can kill a fair while, I imagine Janis: clean up properly then Jimmy: they can when they're too busy talking about us to pick up a menu Janis: ugh Janis: fun Jimmy: I'd forgotten Mia was still capable of speech Jimmy: I thought all the throwing up had destroyed her throat entirely Jimmy: she usually just communicates via 💀 stares Jimmy: I see why you two get on so well Janis: if you keep making me tell you I'm special and universally loved, you can't get mad at me for it, like Janis: and it's you that she's made the impression on Janis: that's Janis: nice Jimmy: getting mad at you for not taking a real compliment from your fake boyfriend ain't the same as not patting you on the back for being a dickhead Jimmy: yeah obviously hurry up or I'll run away with her Jimmy: won't be able to help myself & you've been warned Janis: highly doubt she can run Janis: bit cold to give her heart failure but I'm not crying here so Jimmy: I'll carry her then, more #goals anyway Janis: how Janis: she weighs sod all Jimmy: still get the rom com visual Jimmy: all that matters Janis: nah Janis: try and shift the big one Janis: that'd be something Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: easy 💪🏆 Janis: can't just promise her free pastries Janis: that's cheating Jimmy: you can't just start imposing rules now Jimmy: too little too late Jimmy: & shamelessly cheating Janis: 🙄 she'd go with anyone for a cream cake Janis: even the least hot one Jimmy: like I said, easy Janis: ugh okay Janis: guess it counts as a win Janis: not happy about it though Jimmy: I'm not happy about doing my back in for her but Janis: needs must? Jimmy: you know Jimmy: how cute that we're finishing each other's sentences though 😍😍 Janis: 😂 Janis: if you could find a subtle way to let 'em know how goals we're being Jimmy: I've been 😍 at my phone since they came in, don't worry Jimmy: not an amateur Janis: good thing I stopped chatting or it'd be more like 😒 Janis: kinda cute but not really painting me in the best light Jimmy: like you said, only got one job Jimmy: I'll paint you in the best light you've ever Janis: 👍 Janis: you want me to leave it in the tip jar or bit too obvious Jimmy: where'd your sense of humor spring from? Jimmy: MIA a bit ago Janis: that was you Janis: cheek! Jimmy: can't be a comedian which you called me & a moody cunt which you may as well have Jimmy: make your mind up, Jenna Janis: if you can't do what I want and don't do what I don't, without any helpful direction, what kind of boyfriend are you Janis: tbh Jimmy: the fake kind Jimmy: & I'll fake owt you need me to Jimmy: starting as soon as Janis: 😍 Janis: you know the drill, yeah? Janis: swear I'll piss off long before they've even asked for extra sprinkles, probably Jimmy: not my first girlfriend or barista job Jimmy: but that is an offer I can't refuse Janis: spare us both the debrief then 👌 Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: actually do hurry up though they're doing my head in Janis: you know they ain't gonna leave with me, yeah Janis: stunned into silence is a big ask, can try but Jimmy: I don't have to try Jimmy: it'll happen Jimmy: & I'll take it Janis: let the 💋 do the talking Jimmy: it will do Jimmy: louder than the bollocks they're chatting Jimmy: I told you, I know what I'm doing Janis: they do that, a lot Janis: should know better than me now Janis: I can try and avoid them out of school Jimmy: best customers remember, I do know Jimmy: & we're doing this 'cause I can't avoid them here Janis: exactly Janis: not forgot Janis: nor am I as dumb as them, tah Jimmy: skip the 'on the previous episode of the CG' bit then Jimmy: nowt you can tell me about any of 'em Jimmy: & even less I'd wanna know Janis: I ain't telling you anything Janis: it's all bullshit anyway Janis: whatever they're saying, that's a guarantee Jimmy: way ahead of you on that, sweetheart Janis: hope that's not the patronizing tone you settled on for your punters Janis: 😬 Jimmy: so you are worried about my job security Jimmy: well romantic 💕 Janis: I told you I weren't that bitch Janis: am leaving though Janis: be there in a few Jimmy: good Janis: what happened to take the time you need, boy Janis: only took a shower Janis: be grateful Jimmy: I said they're doing my head in Jimmy: & you already called me moody so Jimmy: tah for the romantic gesture of showering though Jimmy: 😍😍 Janis: so you gotta take every opportunity to be as sulky as? Janis: come on, I'll call you lots of better things if that's how it works Jimmy: do you want me to react to you kissing me like 😒 Jimmy: if the answer is yeah, take your time Janis: I thought you had this Janis: was your last gf a glutton for punishment or something 'cos no Jimmy: she weren't fake Jimmy: didn't have to pretend to be into it Jimmy: puts you at 👎 before you've kicked things off Janis: you said it weren't hard Janis: so which is it Jimmy: when did I ever say kissing you wasn't the bane of my life Jimmy: must've been drunk Jimmy: if I did Janis: grow up Janis: kiss's a kiss Janis: unless there's some unsexy scalding issue or similar Jimmy: not part of the deal, baby Jimmy: & no it ain't Jimmy: there's a whole scale of good & shit if you want me to rate you in a bit Janis: oh yeah! Janis: what girl doesn't want that Jimmy: if a kiss is a kiss what do you care Jimmy: don't matter, does it Janis: we don't trust each other, remember Janis: you'll just say I'm shit to be that dickhead Janis: and I know I ain't so who needs to hear more of your nonsense Jimmy: you don't trust me, I never said nowt about you Jimmy: I ain't that dickhead & I don't lie Jimmy: you're just shitting yourself about what the truth is Jimmy: that ain't my fault or problem Janis: sure Janis: your opinion ain't fact Jimmy: never said it were Jimmy: or that I give a fuck if you want it or don't Jimmy: I'm not 💔 that you don't like me Janis: you just called it the truth Janis: and you 100% said you don't trust me last night too so shut up, casual gaslighting here Janis: I wouldn't be Janis: don't like anyone, nothing to get upset about, ain't that deep, ain't that personal Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: how many times are you gonna try & tell me it ain't that deep like you don't have shit to lose if this fucks up Jimmy: you shut up, girl Jimmy: focus Janis: oh no, they'll bitch about me in cafes harder Janis: whatever will I do Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: end it then Jimmy: stop wasting my time Janis: as far as foreplay goes Janis: this is topnotch Janis: truly Jimmy: if I cared about you being turned on, we'd have bigger problems Jimmy: be in or get out Janis: don't worry, makes you the same as the rest of the lads Janis: I'm literally walking Jimmy: that ain't what I mean Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Jimmy: it matters to you or it don't so which is it Janis: come on Janis: ain't doing this for my health Janis: or a laugh, thankfully Jimmy: stop taking the piss then Jimmy: save your 🙄 for them on your way in & out Janis: alright, whatever Janis: I ain't asked you why you're really that arsed so you don't need to ask me Janis: it don't matter Jimmy: I ain't asking Jimmy: I'm telling you I ain't gonna keep threatening to pull the plug every time you have a strop Jimmy: & I'm the one who's acting 12, yeah alright Jimmy: sort your shit or leave me & it out Janis: oh my God Janis: who's told you to Janis: if emojis count as strops then you're fucked Jimmy: piss off Janis: literally just got here Jimmy: you're so fucking Janis: save it Janis: [comes in] Jimmy: [intense eye contact cos we know] Janis: [we know what happens not giving much chance for chat here] Jimmy: [just like we know he shamelessly ain't that good at faking anything] Janis: [when you have to bounce 'cos what was that] Jimmy: [the levels of hot it would be, I literally can't. It's a miracle they ever speak again]