#like a hedgehog really. night falls and I don’t stray far from my home but I certainly move a lot within that area

[headofocs-inklesspen]

Sometimes I get, basically the zoomies, where I need to just go run around in circles outside for a few minutes and uhhh, I think watching me loop around all six buildings of our complex at like 10:30 at night sometimes up to 4 or 5 times might be part of why the neighbors don’t speak to me.

[meltwonu]

| good in bed |     [chapter 1]

pairing; non-idol!chan x reader

this chapter’s notes; HELLO HELLO!! Gettin this ball rollin with the first chapter of good in bed!!!😚💕 Thank u for the interest in this fwb au with chan~ he needs more love yall hehe kind of an introductory chapter but fingering, (barely a) handjob and minor exhibitionism eheheh love u!!!💕💕💕💕

chapters; 1 - x - x - x

“So, how was your date with Jun-hyung?”

Chan toes his shoes off at the door, arms full of groceries and snacks for your weekly movie night at your apartment. You set your own bags down on the countertop before sighing and wiping the sweat from your brow. “It was okay. He kept asking me if I wanted to see videos of his hot dog roller and I couldn’t tell if that was sexual or if he really had a hot dog roller?” Chan laughs to tears, barely setting his bags down on the dining table before collapsing to the floor.

“Fuck, please tell me you’re kidding?” You shake your head ‘no’ at him, placing the various groceries in their places in the kitchen before grabbing the box of popcorn to make.

“I wish I was. He asked me if I wanted to go on a second date so he could show it to me in person.”

“Did you say yes?”

You shoot Chan an incredulous look, placing the bag of popcorn in the microwave and pressing start. “Uh, no?” He gets up from the floor, wiping the stray tears from his eyes before grabbing some of the other snacks and taking them to the living room to set up the space for your movie night.

“You should’ve. Maybe he would’ve shown you his massive dick and you missed out.”

You’re 3 movies in, 2 bags of popcorn cooked and Chan is already nodding off at 9PM.

“Chan, you ok over there?” He hums, sitting up on the sofa as he yawns. “Yeah, sorry, Soonyoung-hyung is really grilling us for the dance competition and we’re in the practice room a lot longer than usual. I’m beat. He could rip my legs off and I wouldn’t even feel it.” You look over to him rubbing his eyes, trying to wipe the sleepiness out of them as he reaches for the bucket of popcorn in between the two of you. “You should’ve just stayed home and rested, you didn’t need to come over for movie night if you’re this tired...” Frowning, you reach over, smoothing his mussed hair as he whines.

“I’m not a baby! And anyway, we’ve never missed movie night! Remember the time we got food poisoning from Jihoon-hyung’s cooking? We still had movie night, just with barf buckets.”

Laughing at the memory, you get up from your spot on the sofa, grabbing more drinks from the kitchen before settling back into your spot on the couch.

“True, I don’t know what we’d do without our movie nights.” Chan’s eyes flit to your form next to him, fingers in the bowl of popcorn. “I dunno, probably getting laid?” You choke on a sip of soda, the carbonated beverage getting onto your shirt. “What!?”

“What? Am I wrong? I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about any of your dates getting any further than the first date lately. And you’ve gone on a lot of them recently.”

The blush that coats your features is burning hot as you set your drink down onto the coffee table. You and Chan had talked about your dates and love lives before, but something about how blunt he’d just been surprised you. “Yeah, well, I dunno. I’m just not getting the right vibes, y’know? I know you’re friends with some of the people I’ve dated but just… I dunno. Maybe my chakras aren’t aligned or whatever.” He rolls his eyes at you jokingly, tired eyes back to the forgotten movie on screen.

“What if we just… I dunno, fucked?”

You can feel your pupils shaking as you stare holes into the side of Chan’s head. “Excuse me, what?”

He clears his throat, reaching for his glass of water on the side table before taking a sip and setting it back down. “I mean, you haven’t been getting any and I haven’t been getting any… We should maybe try it out?”

“You make it sound like we’re just trying kombucha for the first time! How are you so calm about this?!”

Chan laughs as he glances at you, noticing the blush covering your cheeks. “Because… Well, I don’t know. I guess cause we’re best friends? I trust you out of all people, you know? I know you won’t bite my dick off?” You bite the inside of your cheek; in all honesty, you had a huge crush on Chan for a while and the only reason you’d been going on so many dates lately was because you were trying to forget about your crush on Chan.

“Chan… I don’t know, this seems complicated?”

“You said you weren’t getting laid so…”

“Yeah, Chan, I said that but I dunno about this…”  He cracks a smile, hand in the bucket of popcorn next to you. “You also said you didn’t want random hook-ups either, not after Seungkwan tried to finger you in that Ferris wheel two weeks ago.” You grimace at the memory; you were 3 seconds away from getting the good ‘ol police escort out of the theme park.

“I did say that…”

“Well? I’m not random, I’m your best friend! And anyway, Soonyoung’s been so far up my ass with practice for the dance competition at the end of the year so I haven’t been getting any either. It’d work out for both of us?” Chan crams a fist full of popcorn into his mouth, eyes never leaving the tv screen. You contemplate his words for a minute; Chan was insanely handsome and if you were being completely honest, you’d had a crush on him for a while now which is why you weren’t sure this was the right route.

“Chan, I don’t know…”

“Okay, well, just think about it? I’m always here for you. Even if you want to tie me up to the bedpost.”

You nod, a quiet ‘okay’ leaving your lips before you turn to the tv yourself.

“Let’s finish this movie because Sonic the Hedgehog is next on our list and I wanna see it already.”

When Chan leaves your apartment at midnight, he hugs you goodbye, reminding you to think about his proposition. You nod, a tight lipped smile on your face when you shut the door.

You tidy up your place slowly, the thoughts of Chan swimming in your head the entire time it takes for you to clean up and get ready for bed. There was really nothing wrong with his suggestion; you just weren’t sure if it’d make or break your friendship with him. It was fine that you kept your crush on him to yourself, but you knew that adding any sort of physical relationship would make it hard for you to not fall for him even harder. On the flipside, you’d finally be able to fuck your crush without him noticing anything, probably.

Groaning, you reach for your phone, scrolling through various apps before sighing again. Was it worth all the risk?

Screw it, you think, if it destroys our friendship at least we went out with a bang.

You realize when you ring the doorbell to Jeonghan’s apartment that only an actual psycho throws a party on a Tuesday night. I guess that’d be Jeonghan. He opens the door and lets you in, a drunken flush already evident on his skin as he thrusts a cup into your hand.

“There’s more drinks in the kitchen, Minghao’s the bartender tonight!!” You grimace as you smell the contents of the cup, taking a sip before you walk further into the apartment. Noticing a few of your one time dates, you awkwardly wave at them before making a beeline for the kitchen in order to avoid conversation.

“Hey! There you are, come have a drink!”

To your slight surprise, Chan’s already there, arm outstretched with a shot in hand. You had barely talked to him all weekend, giving him and yourself some time to think about the decision you’d both made. Although he had texted you once at 3am asking you a list of your top ten things you wanted to try out in the bedroom; to which you had taken at least 3 hours to come up with before sending the text and throwing your phone at your bed as the sun began to rise into the sky.

Taking the shot out of his hand, you down it, setting the cup back onto the countertop. “When did you get here, Chan?” He downs his own before wrapping an arm around your waist and tugging you closer towards him. 

“Not too long ago, but Jeonghan’s been really shoving the alcohol down our throats tonight so it feels like it’s been hours.” He finishes with a laugh, fingertips digging into your clothed waist. “Been thinkin’ about you though, y’kno?”

“O-oh, really?”

“Mmhmm. Y’kno that fourth thing on your list that you sent me… I was waiting for you to show up cause I think we can try it out if you’re interested. I’m not gonna lie, I was getting a ‘lil ahead of myself and thinkin’ about all the things I wanted to do to you if you’d let me. Wanna get started?” You blush, almost crushing the cup in your hand when you remember what the fourth item on your list was.

Exhibitionism.

“I, um, o--okay, yeah let’s---let’s do it.”

When Chan pushes you into the storage closet of Jeonghan’s apartment, you can’t help but be a little confused, almost tripping over a misplaced wrench before plastering yourself against the wall.

“No offense Chan, but a storage closet?” He turns the flashlight on from his phone, searching for a light inside of the tiny room only to not find one before turning the flashlight off. “Aww, baby wants to fuck on a bed?” His voice is teasing, a stupidly handsome smirk visible on his face once your eyes adjust to the dark.

“Normally yes?”

“Well, too bad. The only bed in this place is Jeonghan’s and I know he’d make my life hell if I fucked you on it. Anyway, I… I wanna take it a ‘lil slow with you so we’ll start off with some basic shit, okay?” You roll your eyes, although you can’t deny the heat pooling in your lower abdomen. “I don’t know how basic this’ll be but … okay.”

Chan places his hands on your waist, pulling you towards him so that you can feel his hardness already straining in his jeans. “I’m not gonna lie, I was a little shocked when you sent that list of yours… But if I’m being honest, a lot of it is stuff I wanted to try too, so I guess it works out for us, huh?” He grinds into you, a small moan on his lips when he slots a leg in between yours. “Did you think about me at all?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Good. Can I kiss you?”

“Yes… please.” You’re nervous and about to change your entire relationship with Chan but the excitement overpowers all of your other emotions when he leans in, his lips on yours for the first time ever. He tastes like vodka and citrus when he dips his tongue into your mouth; your arms wrapping around his neck to pull him in closer.

His hips work against yours as the two of you grind against each other in the tiny space. Chan’s lips part from yours, trailing down your neck in soft movements. “Can I leave marks?” You nod your head furiously, moaning loudly at his lips sucking love bites onto your skin. “I’m surprised you asked. Don’t you want them to know what we’re doing in here?” Chan smirks against your skin, hands moving from your waist to the button on your jeans.

“Mmm, don’t we both?” Chan pops the button of your jeans, working the zipper down before he plays with the hem of your panties between his fingertips. “I want to make sure you want this before I start. I want to hear you say it.”

“I want you, Chan.”

You don’t know how long has passed since Chan’s fingers spread your pussy open, the sound of your wetness bouncing off of the tiny room’s walls. “Ugh, Chan, p-please, another finger? I need more!” The music playing outside in the living room is loud and you hope somewhat that your voice is muffled when you cry out. Chan obliges, adding a third finger as you grind down onto his digits.

“Aww, baby, I’ve been doing all the work. Won’t you give me a ‘lil something too?”

You tug him in for another kiss, trailing a hand down his torso before you’re undoing his jeans, pushing his underwear down to wrap a hand around his cock. Precum leaks from the tip as Chan moans against your lips, thrusting his hips up into your closed hand as you squeeze your hand around him.

“Bet you wish it was my pussy instead, huh?” 

You bite his lower lip before pulling away, “Too bad you didn’t just fuck me on Jeonghan’s bed but oh well~” Chan growls, thrusting his fingers into you particularly hard before his thumb starts to circle your clit.

“Don’t get cocky with me now, babe. Being a brat was only 8th on your list and I don’t think you want me to get mean with you just yet.”You grip on his cock loosens as you feel your orgasm building, moans freely spilling from your lips.

“Hey do you hear that?”

A muffled voice on the other side of the closet door has you pausing for a second, pussy clenching around Chan’s fingers. He smirks in the darkness, rubbing quicker circles on your clit. “C’mon, baby, cum for me, let them hear how pretty you sound when I’m making you cum.”

“Fuck, what the hell are you two doing in my closet!?”

Chan laughs, leaning down to kiss your cheek. “Cum, now.”  

All you can hear is the sound of your heart thrumming in your chest and Chan’s breathy moans as Jeonghan’s voice gets drowned out in the background when you cum. You’re sure nothing coherent is leaving your lips when Chan’s fingers continue to work you through it.

“Get the fuck out of my closet you nasty asses!”

“Ok but they sound good, ya’ll got an onlyfans or what?”

“Oof, is this why there was no second date?”

When Chan pulls his fingers out of your pussy is when you start to remember when you are, fingers still loosely wrapped around his cock when he licks his fingers clean. You run your hand up and down his shaft; hand coated in a sticky substance.

“Damn baby, even with the zero energy handjob I still came, guess you’re that powerful huh? Wonder what that pussy will do to me when we finally get to it.”

“Bitch, I will fucking kill you before you get to it, now get out of my closet!”

[thiswasinevitableid]

Can I request 42 with Sternclay? I love the way you write everyone it’s adorable ((42. i found a cat shivering in the snow and you’re the cutest vet i’ve ever seen))

The snow morphs into sleet as Stern hurries down the street, the wind off the lake biting his neck. According to the directions he glanced at, the building he needs should be on this block.

“Mew” Says his pocket. 

“It’s alright, we’ll get you warmed up soon.”

The sign on the door of West Elm Veterinary declares they’re open until six. Relief shakes some of the damp from his shoulders, though the wind deposits another round before he manages to get inside. 

“Hello, how can I help you?” The young, blonde woman behind the counter looks him over, “I'm gonna guess this is an emergency?”

“In a way, yes. I, I found a kitten on my way home and it seems to be in very bad shape. I’m so sorry I don’t have an appointment, but this was the vet closest to home.”

“That’s okay, we don’t have any remaining appointments today, and I feel safe saying we’d rather you bring someone in than we get to go home a bit early. Let me go grab Dr. Cobb.”

“Thank you so much.” He does his best to smile through his exhaustion and cold as she ducks into a back room. The office is small, and he sees on two vets listed: Dr. Cobb and Dr. Newton. But it’s warm and clean, walls decorated with pet medicine advertisements and PSAs, two shelves on the far wall holding special diet pet foods. 

The wall behind the reception desk is lined with thank you cards and photos, and as Stern peers at them his pocket meows once again, the noise weaker than before. 

“Shhh” he pulls his jacket closer, hoping to pass on more body warmth, “it’s alright, the vet will be here soon.”

“He will indeed.” 

Stern looks at the now-open exam room door. Leaning against it is one of the most handsome men he’s ever seen. He’s tall, looks like he could bench press Stern, with a short-clipped, coppery beard and shaggy dark hair that he’s gathered into a bun. The warm brown eyes and the reassuring smile are just the icing on the beefcake.

“Kitten?”

“Excuse me?” Sterns voice creeps up. No one’s called him that in years.

“You’re the one who brought in the kitten, right?” Dr.Cobb repeats, patient as can be. 

“Oh, yes. She’s in my jacket. I didn’t have anywhere else to keep her.”

“Good call. Let’s bring her in here and have a look.” 

Stern follows him into the exam room, and gingerly lifts the kitten from his pocket. She looks impossibly scraggly in the bright light. Her eyes are crusted over and she shivers in Sterns hands. 

Dr.Cobb holds out his palms, and they’re large enough that the kitten nearly fits in one of them. 

“Hey, little one.” He sets her down on the metallic table, begins checking her vitals, “what happened to you, huh?” 

God, his voice is deep and comforting and if it’s affecting the feline the way it’s affecting Stern, the cat will be better in no time. 

“Where was she when you found her?”

“Behind a dumpster at the EL station. I looked to see if there was a mother nearby, or other kittens, but I couldn’t find them. And honestly, based on how thin and dirty she looked I assumed she’d been on her own a bit.”

“Think you’re probably right. She’s malnourished for sure, and dehydrated, if you can believe it given how wet it’s been. Got an eye infection, hopefully that’s all the illness she’s dealing with.” The vet rubs the kittens forehead and she lets out an unsteady “mewp.”

“We’ll keep her overnight, get some fluids in her, and go from there. Do you want us to contact you with an update?” 

“Yes please.” Stern rattles of his name and phone number and Dr.Cobb jots them down.

“Thanks, hopefully we have good news tomorrow. Dani can help you wrap up out front.”

Just as Stern finishes paying (in spite of Dani saying they have a pool of funds for caring for strays. After all, what good is his job if he can’t use the money to care for helpless animals), a tender baritone voice calls out, “Joseph, hold on a sec.” 

He turns, finds the vet holding out a an umbrella and a travel mug smelling faintly of mint.

“For the road.” He smiles.

“Thank you, uh...”

“Barclay.” The vet supplies.

Stern takes the offered items, “Thank you, Barclay. I’ll keep an ear out for the updates.”

----------------------------------

His phone rings at lunch, as he’s eating a reheated sandwich.

“Stern.”

“Hi Mr. Stern, this is Dani at West Elm Vet. I’ve got some good news about the kitten. She’s stable and eating, and we got fluids into her. Her eyes are still a little wonky, but she’s already getting some energy back.”

“That’s wonderful. Uh, would it be alright if I came by to see her this evening?”

He hears the smile on the other end, “Of course.”

When arrives at the vet, he brings the washed travel mug, the umbrella, and a small box of gourmet truffles.

“Here to see the kitten.” 

Barclay grins at him across the counter. 

“Yes. And I wanted to return these. The truffles are a thank you to you all for your help.” 

“Ooh, love their stuff.” Barclay eyes the chocolate box. 

“Barclay I swear if you eat it all before I get any-” Dani appears from a back room, returning to her post at the computer. 

“I know, I know, you’ll let that one chihuahua loose in my office.” Barclay hands her the box, gestures for Stern to follow him. They head down a small hallway to a little boarding space for cats. The kitten, clean and and snoozing in the warmth, looks like a sandy brown, tiny tumbleweed.

“I hadn’t realized how big her paws are.” Stern pets the glass softly,not wanting to wake the feline. 

“She might grow into them, or they might stay big compared to her. I’m a little worried about her eyes; if that infection doesn’t clear up, she could lose one, maybe both.”

“Oh dear.” Stern murmurs, tracing an ear through the glass, “that hardly seems fair, does it? It’s not your fault, little cat. If I’d found you sooner maybe…” He sighs.

“Hey, none of that.” A warm hand rests on his shoulder, “she’s probably alive right now because of you. And she’s a tough little thing, she’ll manage.��

Without thinking, Stern rests his hand atop Barclays, “thank you.” 

The hand squeezes his quickly, and then it’s gone.

--------------------------

Stern’s routine changes over the next weeks. Once, and usually twice, per week he visits the vet to check on the kitten and her caretakers. He starts bringing a late afternoon pick-me up for Dani from the local coffee shop, and whatever gourmet candy or snack he thinks Barclay might like.  If it’s slow, Barclay will make him tea and the two of them will chat while he fusses over the kitten. She grows stronger, looks less like she’s been run through a washing machine, but her infection claims her right eye. 

Stern still thinks she’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen.

Well, second cutest. But it’s hard for anyone or anything to compete with Barclay. Especially when he laughs or sends a wink Sterns way. 

Stern starts bringing toys for the kitten, catnip fish for her to hold between her large paws, jingly plastic spheres to help her practice hunting and chasing with one eye. When she’s finally old enough and well enough to be put up for adoption, Stern helps take the photos to go up on the Humane Society page. 

Three days later, he’s ready to take a chance. And as luck would have it, Barclay is at the front desk alone when he walks in.

“Hey, Joseph.”

“Hello. I’m here to check on my little friend. And, ah, to ask if you would like to go to dinner with me tomorrow.”

Barclay stands, starts walking around the counter with a funny smile, “you want the good news or the bad news first?”

“Bad.” 

“She got adopted this morning, so that stuffed hedgehog in your coat might not get much use.”

“Oh that’s, that’s wonderful!” He means it, he really does. He just wishes he could have scritched her ears one more time.

“But the good news” Barclay rests one on his shoulder while the other brushes a strand of hair back into place, “is that you and I have a date on Friday.” 

Stern beams, even as Dani’s voice comes from the back room, “I TOLD you he was into you!”

Dinner the next night is perfect. Stern’s never seen Barclay in anything other than work clothes, and nearly walks into a pole when he catches the first glimpse of the other man waiting at the crosswalk in his jacket and slacks. 

They talk easily, Barclays rumbling laugh filling the plush restaurant booth and sending sparks up Sterns fingers. To his surprise, Barclay asks if he’d like to come back to his place for “coffee”. He eagerly accepts, even if the meal and the company has him feeling sluggish and dreamy. 

“So” Barclay flips on the light, revealing a modest apartment that looks like a north woods cabin was dumped inside it, “this is my place. Figure we can start out with coffee on the couch and then” he blushes for the first time that night, “see how things go. But first, let me introduce you to my roommate.”

“Roommate?” 

“Mew!”

Stern makes a somewhat higher than normal shriek of delight as a familiar, one-eyed ball of fluff barrels into his legs, purring happily as he scoops her up and cuddles her. 

“I was due to adopt one of the strays eventually. Bigfoot here turned out to be the one.” He bats at the cats still-oversized paws,  scratches the her head as he nuzzles the top of Sterns hair.

“It wasn’t a ploy to get me to come over?” Stern teases. 

Barclay chuckles, “That did cross my mind. Call it a bonus piece of good luck.”

Stern ends his night wonderfully. He spends the first hour happily and handsily making out with Barclay on the couch while Bigfoot gnaws and chases her new stuffed hedgehog. And then he and Barclay fall asleep, cuddled up beneath a heavy knit blanket, with Bigfoot nestled between them. 

[shyguycity]

GOTY 2017

Hey y’all, it’s time for my third annual game of the year list. I hope it’s not too boring or longwinded. I also hope you don’t go into this expecting reviews of each game; with very few exceptions this list isn’t going to go into deep dives about individual game mechanics or plot beats, and I also don’t bother explaining highly specific video game terms and genres that the lay person isn’t going to be aware of, which is more down to this seeming too long already rather than apathy on my part. Discussion or questions are very welcome! Anyway, before we get into the actual top 11, here’s a couple games that didn’t quite make the cut that deserve to be talked about, as well as some housekeeping as to why some pretty big games aren’t included elsewhere on the list.

Some friends and I are also looking into doing a podcast later on to talk more in-depth about our lists, as well as maybe some other year end awards-y type things for other categories in games. Anyway, here we go.

Games I haven’t gotten to yet: Ruiner, Pyre, Prey, Yakuza 0, Hollow Knight, Hellblade

Don’t @ me I’m sleeping: Resident Evil 7, Persona 5, Mario + Rabbids, PUBG

Special shout outs that didn’t make it to the actual list but are still good, quite good!:

Snipperclips: Cut It Out Together (Switch) - Absolutely everyone that owns a Switch and has someone to play co-op games with should buy Snipperclips, be it significant other, child, sibling or roommate. It’s a game where you each play as two pieces of paper that have to cut each other into different shapes to solve various puzzles, and it’s even way more fun and goofy than that description makes it sound. If I had been able to put more time into this game it probably would’ve made the actual numbered list.

Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus (PS4/Xbox One/PC) - Wolfenstein’s story about an alternate 1960s where Germany won World War 2 and occupy America was so absolutely fucking bonkers and fun while at the same time bleakly sad and interesting. It’s a shame the actual game isn’t very fun to play, but this absolutely deserves mentioning somewhere. Get fucked Nazis.

Horizon: Zero Dawn (PS4) - Horizon has maybe the most interesting and well told story in any big budget, non-indie game I’ve ever played. It’s also maybe the best looking game I’ve ever seen, especially running in 4k. It’s a shame it released so close to Zelda and Nier, since I feel it’s going to be overlooked in a lot of other GOTY lists, but it’s absolutely worth playing. Also the main character, Alloy, is really fun and tells weird kings to fuck off when they try and hit on her.

Aaaaaaaand here’s the actual list this year:

11. Night in the Woods (PS4/PC) - More games should address mental health. I think the medium is especially suited for not only discussion of the matter, but potentially as a teaching tool as well. It’s especially neat in Night in the Woods because of its slice of life, shitty rustbelt town in fall atmosphere. The main character, Mae, is an unexplained college dropout that returns to her hometown to hang out with friends, and discovers that they’ve all started making progress towards various goals in life while she has largely languished. It’s a very personal and sweet story about reconnecting with your roots and rebuilding connections with loved ones, all while surreal shit is going on in the background and it’s always kind of unclear what Mae is actually suffering from.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that, much like Life is Strange (PS4/Xbox One/PC) before it, what starts off as a very simple and charming slice of life game eventually strays into much bigger, cosmic scale ideas, and it kind of feels out of place. Still, I was never bored or driven to the point of rolling my eyes, and I’ve never played a game with more realistic dialogue between goofy and awkward punk rocker friends. The fact that everyone is an anthropomorphic animal for no reason other than to make it look cuter is a huge boon as well.

10. Shovel Knight: Spectre of Torment (Switch/PS4/Xbox One/Vita/PC/Wii U/3DS/PS3/Xbox 360) - The original Shovel Knight was a very cute, very charming, very ok game. It never blew me away the way it did for other people, despite the fact that it seemed tailor made for me, but it was still pretty dang good. The two expansions, however, have been far more interesting games, and Spectre of Torment in particular is a love letter to the original Mega Man X (SNES), a game which has weirdly never had its formula and feel replicated or expanded upon. Having full freedom to select which order to complete stages, as well as finding hidden doodads within that let you purchase new weapons, really maximizes the replay value. Add to that a completely remixed soundtrack that’s way more fun and melody driven than the original, and you have maybe the best action platformer since Mega Man 9 (Wii/PS3/360).

9. Destiny 2 (PS4/Xbox One/PC) - I think Destiny 2 represents pretty much everything I hate about modern game design - approximately 8,000 unique currencies all with their own uses; different classes and subclasses that in broad strokes don’t feel any different from each other; no real sense of progression aside from seeing a set of numbers arbitrarily rise; needlessly large worlds that aren’t fun to explore; a heavy emphasis on story when the story is complete fucking trash; etc. And yet I still put dozens of hours into the game.

It’s a dumb game and I am a very dumb person. That said, despite the constantly online, shooter focused nature of the video game industry, there really aren’t any other shooters so devoted to cooperative play on a scale larger than team versus modes. I can’t think of a game that’s had more fun co-op in recent memory, and that’s enough to make up for the mediocre pomp and frills surrounding the actual game. Who cares that Destiny is borderline predatory when my friends and I are throwing lightning grenades at shadow emperor space worms?

8. Metroid: Samus Returns (3DS) - At one point in time I’d have considered metroid my favorite game series period, so watching its decline over the past decade has been particularly painful. I wouldn’t say this half remake, half new game is an unmitigated success. But for an outsourced, low budget, sidescrolling entry in 2017, a time in which the indie scene has completely taken over the space metroid used to occupy, Samus Returns is an admirable experiment.

Unlike most, I think making the game more combat focused than any previous metroid is actually a wise move, especially considering the developer pedigree; Mercurysteam, despite any other faults, has proven that they can handle designing engaging combat mechanics. And weirdly, even though the main heroine is a 6 foot tall amazonian space goddess with bird alien power armor and a cannon arm, the series has never had engaging combat encounters before this. The game definitely lacks some of the atmosphere that the series is renowned for, but it’s hard for me to fault the game too much for what it isn’t when what we have is an interesting interpretation of a classic game and a new entry in an amazing series that has been dormant for too long.

7. Sonic Mania (Switch/PS4/Xbox One/PC) - Sonic was never really that good, even the Genesis era games that people hold in such high esteem. I’m actually of the opinion that, prior to Mania, Sonic Colors (Wii) was the best game in the series - the gameplay possibilities added by the wisps felt right at home in a Sonic game, while not feeling like a cheap gimmick. Generally speaking, the original Sonic games feel far too simplistic in terms of the verbs available to you to compete with anything like Mario. And while Mania doesn’t give Sonic any new verbs besides a variation on spin dashing, the level design is so creatively above and beyond anything previously seen in the series that it feels like an entirely different beast. Honestly, chemical plant zone alone has more creativity in its two acts than the entirety of any previous 2D Sonic game, and that’s before it culminates in a freaking Mean Bean Machine battle against Robotnik. I liken Mania the most to Donkey Kong Country Returns (Wii) in its ability to capture everything that the previous entries in the series were known for while still being able to modernize its design.

Despite all of that, the best part of Mania is its unflinching devotion to its aesthetic. It truly looks like a long lost Sega Saturn game. And while the soundtrack isn’t quite as slavish to what came before, I don’t think I’ve had a more dumb grin on my face this year than when I heard the calypso style Green Hill zone remix for the first time. Mania is a celebration of all things Sonic the Hedgehog, which means different things to different people. To me, what the game most loudly celebrates is the untapped potential of a tragically mishandled series. Consider this game  the fulfilment of a promise the series originally made nearly 30 years ago.

6. Splatoon 2 (Switch) - If I’m being completely honest, Splatoon 2 is making it this high on the list almost solely for how fun the new four player cooperative mode, Salmon Run, is. You get stranded in various locations to take on hundreds of slimy zombie-esque salmon while terrifying horror movie music plays and you send out unheard pleas to the universe that you were paired up with players that actually know how to use the charger weapon (Splatoon’s equivalent to a sniper rifle that apparently takes more skill to wield than an actual real world sniper rifle based on my dozens of hours playing).

Salmon Run is fucking incredible. The rest of Splatoon 2 is also really quite fun to play. However: Nintendo is still so stubborn or incompetent or both when it comes to online play that any amount of fun you have with friends outside of Salmon Run is usually punctuated with spikes of rage the likes of which I’ve never experienced.

You can join your friends and play turf war (the standard Splatoon battle mode) pretty effortlessly at any point.

That’s good!

Every single match you play assigns you both to random teams, meaning you’re not always actually playing on the same team as the friend you’re attempting to play with. In fact, I swear there’s some kind of algorithm going in that actually assigns you and your friend to opposing teams more often than not.

That’s bad!

There is a mode where you can play with a dedicated team of two or four people, paired up against other groups of two or four.

That’s good!

It’s actually a ranked mode which is where all the professional Splatoon teams that stream on Twitch for hours everyday hang out, so you’re more than likely going to be facing off against a team of people who are so good at the game they make money off of splatting.

That’s bad!

Every few weeks there are big game-wide events called Splat Fests where each person chooses between two options, and then represents their selection and are paired up against players from the opposing team. These can range from pretty basic, such as cats vs dogs or ketchup vs mayonnaise, to the extremely goofy like Spongebob vs Patrick. Also, the music and backdrops of levels completely change during Splat Fests; all the levels are changed to take place at night, and you’re treated to ‘live performances’ of squid pop music. You even get exclusive in-game t-shirts based on the team you picked.

That’s good!

But your ability to play with friends during Splat Fests is even further restricted, limiting you solely to the aforementioned ranked mode. It’s to the point where it almost feels like Nintendo would just prefer you to play by yourself against strangers in some weird joyless, lonely world, which feels entirely counter to the kinds of games the company makes.

………..can I go play Salmon Run now?

I hope that this entry doesn’t come across as too negative, because despite all my personal frustrations with how Nintendo completely mangles their own online modes, the game is an absolute blast to play. And Salmon Run really is good enough to make up for a lot of these shortcomings! I just hope a Splatoon 3 really changes pretty much everything about the interface surrounding the game; we could really have something absolutely amazing if that were to happen, instead of a really fun game that has to be talked about with asterisks.

5. Steamworld Dig 2 (Switch/PS4/Vita/PC) - In a year that brought us the first new Metroid game in the better part of a decade, I never would have expected the best metroidvania style of game in 2017 to be a sequel to a pretty lowkey indie game that seemingly flew under the radar of the vast majority of both the industry and fans. I played the original and enjoyed it for what it was, but I never would have imagined that a sequel would be hanging so high up a game of the year list. And yet, it’s the best one of these in quite a few years, handily beating out recent darlings of the genre Axiom Verge (which was pretty ok) and Ori and the Blind Forest (which was really great). This mostly comes down to the new abilities you get in Steamworld; they’re not trying to subvert your expectations and knowledge of metroidvanias like a lot of recent games. Nope, you’re getting a damn grappling hook and jetpack. But these are the most satisfying and friendly grappling hook and jetpack mechanics in video games in a very long time. The game just has a very friendly vibe in general, from it’s warm, beautiful visuals to its amazing soundtrack. Even its upgrade system is extremely pleasant and forgiving, allowing you to swap out upgrade cogs with no fuss or punishment.

I’m also fully aware that Steamworld doesn’t quite fit into the metroidvania bubble; you’re constantly digging downward as opposed to exploring and re-exploring labyrinthine spaces looking for missile expansions, to the point where it’s almost a sidescrolling dungeon crawler. However, I think calling it a dungeon crawler is doing it a disservice due to certain connotations with that term. All you need to know is that if you’ve already finished Mario and Zelda on your Switch and are wondering what’s next, you can’t do any better than this.

4. Super Mario Odyssey (Switch) - It actually hurts my soul that a brand new 3D Mario game isn’t even in my top three games of the year. Especially since it’s a really good Mario game! Most of that is down to just how stacked 2017 has been, but it’s also down to some disappointments I have with Odyssey. Let’s just get it out of the way - there really isn’t a whole lot of high quality platforming in the game. I went in expecting this from the moment the game was announced as a return to the exploratory style of Super Mario 64 (N64), but even adjusted expectations couldn’t assuage my disappointment in those regards after playing the game for a few hours; Mario is so fun to control in Odyssey, and has such a wide array of moves at the player’s disposal, that my soul aches thinking about a hypothetical version of this game with devious platforming on the levels of Super Mario Sunshine (GameCube). Despite all of that, you can dress Mario up as Don Draper and ride a moped as a t-rex chases you down an alley.

So the level design never even begins approaching manic perfection of Super Mario 3D World (Wii U). It’s hard to be too upset about it when you start to realize just how dense with content every single area in Odyssey really is. When you first touch down in each kingdom, you can barely take 10 steps from your ship without stumbling onto a handful of moons. And what the game lacks in regards to its dedicated platforming challenges, it makes up for with the fever dream of creativity that is allowing the player to throw Mario’s cap at dozens of different creatures and possessing them, each with their own unique controls, movement and abilities.

And look. Even though I’m sorta full up on nostalgia for 8 and 16-bit games at this point, I absolutely am ready for nostalgia for Playstation 1 and Nintendo 64 games, which Odyssey is hopefully kicking off here. I was six-years-old when I played Mario 64 for the first time, and as hyperbolic (and maybe sad) as it sounds, I consider clumsily using an analog stick for the first time to try and make Mario climb trees outside of Peach’s castle to be one of the defining moments of my life. Without spoiling anything, there are a couple moments in Odyssey that brought me hurtling back to that time in my life that nothing has been able to previously. It’s absolutely worth buying a Switch for just to experience Odyssey, despite my opening volley of complaints. Just feel free to stop well before you find all 880(!) moons if you want to leave with the best possible impression.

3. Nier: Automata (PS4/PC) - Generally I don’t consider myself a particularly intelligent person, at least in the grand scheme of things. But by and large, talking about games, especially the kind I like, is a pretty straightforward affair (“Kirby pilots a mech in this one!” “This is a dual ghost fairy type that dresses itself up like Pikachu to trick humans into loving it. Oh wow.”). With Nier though, I find myself mostly feeling intellectually incapable of talking about its story and themes in any meaningful way beyond that a game has never made me feel the way this one did. And maybe not being tempted to make a fool out of myself by talking about things above my education level is for the best, because I would consider being spoiled on such an amazing game in some idiot’s end of year list to be a true shame.

Nier might look like typical anime goofiness on the surface, what with blindfolded french maid sexy butt android fighting wind up toys with a katana. But the game is fully self aware of every single trope it uses, including all of the questions it asks about existence and humanity. It goes some places and has some things to say, man. The one message I feel comfortable in talking about that the game espouses: being human essentially means being in a community and taking care of one another. This is exemplified in what was, for me, maybe the most stunning moment I’ve ever experienced in a game, and during the end credits no less.

This has been a very hard year to be a human living on planet earth. And though Nier is unflinchingly bleak, the overall message of hope and positivity beneath the surface was something that I personally needed. There has never been anything else like this game, and though there are certainly better playing games in 2017, I don’t know if anything will emotionally stick with me the way Nier has.

2. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Switch/Wii U) - Not since I was a teenager with nigh unlimited free time have I been so enraptured with a video game like I was with Breath of the Wild. I put 60+ hours into the game in the first week it was released; it was like Zelda became my second job, only I was being paid in korok seeds and bloodshot eyes. And I say all of that as a person that considers the Zelda series pretty low on my personal Nintendo franchise totem pole!

What Nintendo was able to do with the open world genre, a type of game they’ve never touched before, is nothing short of remarkable. Most ‘open world’ games are open world only in the sense that there’s a lot of empty space to drive around in to get to an arbitrary objective marker, with no mechanics to give players a way to actually have fun in all of that space. Zelda lives and dies by how the world reacts to everything the player (and enemies) are doing. Sure, there’s simple examples like rolling a boulder down a hill to kill an unsuspecting group of enemies. But getting into a battle with enemies shooting fire arrows at you on a grassy plain, having the hill catch fire, and then escaping after realizing that the wildfire has created warm air that can push you on your paraglider up and out of harm’s way is one of the most amazing moments I’ve ever experienced in a game.

There are definitely issues with the game. For a game with so much time spent in menus, you’d think Nintendo could have come up with a far less cumbersome menu navigation method. And I do very much miss having full length Zelda-styled dungeons (though I do think breaking them up into 120 individual puzzles is a very interesting design decision that totally fulfils its intended goals). It’s easy for me to ignore a few rough edges in a game that made me totally forget what it meant to live life away from a TV screen for an entire week, though.

1. Cuphead: Don’t Deal with the Devil (Xbox One/PC) - I hesitate to call many things, in any medium, “perfect”. And when I do, it’s things like Shaun of the Dead. No, Shaun is not high art in the slightest, but I can’t think of any other movie that so deftly delivers on its intent while making it seem effortless. With the way modern video games are developed, my ideal of perfect (besides being as subjective as it can possibly be) seems nigh unattainable; how is a consumer product that’s touched the hands of hundreds, if not thousands, over the course of years of development supposed to sustain a singular, unified vision across the entire experience? Even the two best games of the past few years, Bloodborne (PS4) and Super Mario Maker (Wii U), really fall flat on their faces in certain regards, albeit in completely different ways. Make no mistake: Cuphead is the perfect video game, as well as the best game in maybe the best year for video games ever.

It’s not just the game’s tireless devotion to the “rubber hose” era of animation. Nor is it just how the game’s biggest video game inspirations, Gunstar Heroes (Sega Genesis) and Punch-Out!! (NES) are in and of themselves two perfect action games. The combining of a long dormant style of art with a (mostly) dormant style of games is genius in a way that makes everyone else seem dumb for not thinking of it first. Cuphead feels like something that came from an alternate timeline where polygonal games never became the norm, but art in games continued to grow and evolve, unlike other contemporary retro-styled affairs. Which isn’t meant to disparage games of that ilk, but rather emphasize how Cuphead somehow manages to succeed as a game that owes a lot to works that came before it, while also not relying on direct references to, and nostalgia for, those inspirations. The references and nostalgia are there of course, but aren’t needed for the game’s accomplishments to be appreciated by just about anyone.

Put all of that aside though, and what you have is a really fucking fun game where you get to shoot anthropomorphic waffles with magic finger guns. And it has cooperative play! In fact, the only bad thing that can be said about Cuphead is that the second playable character, Mugman, is relegated to player 2. Maybe ‘perfect’ was a tad hyperbolic.