#like a dog thats been dumped when it started getting sick and the owners couldn't pat the vet bills
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Oh yeah sorry I forgot I was only here for you to USE ME I'll shut the fuck up
#maybe ill stfu forever#im in such a bad mindset rn and im being hella inconsiderate and im definitely splitting but y'know. for all the stress nosebleeds ive had-#-(8 at this point hooray!) itd be nice to see someone spill some blood for ME#warring with the logical side and the side that says EVERYONE USES THE SAME FUCKING EXCUSES BUT IF I MAKE THEM IM A BITCH#why the fuck should I show mercy when its never even been considered to be given to me?#why should i tolerate such BULLSHIT? I fight through hell and still make sure the people important to me are cared for#ive answered to phone seconds after dry heaving and rubbed of the tears when someone needs me and got up to BE THERE even when i felt bad#and not a single motherfucker can do that for me in return#its so fucking selfish but id rather run off and go live in a hill all alone than do this shit. theres no way its on purpose but holy fuck-#-does it feel like everyone uses my attatchments against me like they just KNOW I'd die before leaving#oh my god i miss him. he wouldnt do this to me. he would. he wouldn't#i did everything to make it work. let him do whatever he wanted. i do so much for everyone just like him and every time im left#like a dog thats been dumped when it started getting sick and the owners couldn't pat the vet bills#its not my fault theres a vermin in my brain. i didnt want it there i swear#ive tried to get it out but when i do i bleed all over you and you get mad. i try to get better but you dont like the process#nobody will stick around through the storm to see what comes after so whats the point when theres nothing to live for in the end?#idc what they say humans are social creatures we NEED others with us. before great big civilization being alone = death#we NEED people to care. we NEED someone to watch our back. its how humanity got this far#and by god i try my best to carry everyones weight but theres nobody here to carry mine#which is a fucking lie because there is. my mama is so great but its so ingrained now. opening up = punishment. i know she'd never hurt me#but the idea of being vulnerable is nauseating#i just wanna go to sleep for once feeling knowing and truly believing someone has my back. that someone will be here in the morning#but nobody would do that for me and i would never dare ask. i know im a heavier person than most. i cant expect anyone to carry me
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