#like IMAGINE limiting your sales bc you care about what other people like to read?? i'm going to put fucking. idk. team kira dni.

[tsundereition]

omg guys proshipper isn't "basic dni criteria", like that list is supposed to represent actual irl issues(*), not some 2020 internet discourse. you guys are so annoying like if you're uncomfortable interacting with proshippers i understand and respect it, although you probably have a very twisted idea of what the word means (would make a separate post abt it but there are hundreds already). but please don't equate it to actual crimes. (*)also do you seriously think that a bigot troll is going to read your dni and be magically expelled from your strong aura. if anything it's going to make them want to harass you more. it's obvious that those lists are just a pose like "if i don't put racists dni they're gonna think i'm racist" NO aaagh you don't have to over-specify(?) everything about you when interacting online can we please go back to being normal istg. reject modernity embrace not writing a dni list and just blocking people like a normal person <3

[gigsoupmusic]

POLIÇA announce new album & share first single "Driving"

LP 'When We Stay Alive' due Jan 31st via Memphis Industries. UK tour next Feb! Poliça return with their new album 'When We Stay Alive', which is set for release January 31st via Memphis Industries. Today the band are sharing the first single & video from the album, "Driving".  When Poliça’s Channy Leaneagh fell off her roof while clearing ice in early 2018, she smashed her L1 vertebrae and battered her spine, leaving her in a brace with limited mobility for months. Yet Poliça’s fourth album, 'When We Stay Alive', is not about one debilitating accident. It’s about the redemptive power of rewriting your story in order to heal, and reclaiming your identity as a result. With a video directed by Isaac Gale, Leaneagh explains the meaning behind the first single "Driving" as she says "Laying in bed, as I healed from a 10 foot fall of carelessness with my life, I would dream of running in green grass and tears would pour from my eyes. “Running in the tall tear grass; imagine wanting life and the want remains.” That is a feeling to hold onto; that life is worth living even when all the towers are crumbling and this goes beyond my own little accident but the world around me. Following the crone into the sinking ship and having the chance to return without a shadow. Drive on, Drive on. A second chance you won’t forget”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djlZf1J0wqI While recovering, Leaneagh’s doctor told her to focus not only on physical healing, but to meditate on the mental act of healing as well – working to erase the anger, regrets, and fear she felt about her fall. To do so, he suggested she rewrite the story she told herself about what happened on February 28th. Left alone with her thoughts and her back fully braced, Leaneagh would visualize herself slipping and falling not onto cement, but instead onto a cloud, landing safely before breaking into a sprint over snow melting to reveal tall blades of green grass. As she felt the positive effects of this mental exercise, she set about doing the same for other injuries and pains that she gripped onto from her past. Prior to Leaneagh’s accident, she had been setting music aside as she raised her children and worked to make ends meet as a nursing assistant. Now in the still silence of healing, she found that a multitude of feelings were becoming very loud. Leaneagh realized her self-identity had become attached to her experiences of physical and mental trauma, and she began to consider what it would be like to live without the past as a burden. “I felt there were many things I could look at and say, ‘This happened to me but I’m okay now. It’s not happening anymore and I got the care I needed for it. Now it’s time to rewrite the story I tell about myself and to myself,’" she explains. While half of 'When We Stay Alive' was written before the fall, and half afterwards, the tracks meld together in a coherent and redemptive sonic whole. Those written before the fall relay ideas with a more heightened sense of anxiety and distress: the rousing “Forget Me Now” interrogates what makes two people bring out the worst in each other, while on the soulful “Steady,” Leaneagh struggles with the sudden pressure of becoming the head of her immediate family after her parents moved away. “TATA” was inspired by the challenge of keeping a cool head in the face of tense community meetings where anger continues to rise against Northern Metals, a north Minneapolis company under fire for pollution issues. Inspired by the power found in her healing process, on the second batch of songs Leaneagh tried a slightly different approach, working to reevaluate her past, difficult personal experiences and bring in a sense of insight, strength, and light that perhaps wasn’t there at the time. The stirring “Feel Life” captures Leaneagh’s process of recasting pain as an alarm to live and see beyond what we lack. She takes back her sense of self on the haunting “Be Again,”a song recorded as she relearned to sing while wearing a brace. “For me this song is a meditation to myself,” Leaneagh explains. “To come back from the disassociation I’ve lived with most of my life.” “Blood Moon” sees her examining how keeping this sort of guard up can prove more precariously isolating than protective. “I can look back and see how music has always been here for me to be loud, say what I feel and ask for what I need in these songs I write,” she says. “I always find my courage again on the stage – that is where I feel alive, and for that I am eternally grateful for music and the people that I make it with.” 'When We Stay Alive' possesses a new confidence in its sound, reflected in its fierce, determined songs and anchored by the heavy synths and punctuating beats of Poliça co-founder and producer Ryan Olson. Over the last several years Olson and Leaneagh have widely collaborated with musicians from all over the world: both with Bon Iver, and Leaneagh individually with Boys Noize, Lane 8, Sasha, Leftfield, and Daniel Wohl; Olson with Swamp Dogg in addition to countless musicians from the 37d03d collective. As a result, 'When We Stay Alive' features one of the largest musical casts of any Poliça record to date. To create the album, Olson brought his favorite collaborators into his studio for all-night sessions. He’d then send Leaneagh the files to write lyrics to while recovering at home, which she’d record alone or with engineer Alex Proctor. Drummers Drew Christopherson and Ben Ivascu colored the songs with a new approach – drastically changing the rhythmic dynamic from previous efforts by creating an indistinguishable hybrid of live and electronic instrumentation--and bassist Chris Bierden provided a melody-laden low-end as well as more layered backing vocals than ever before. On Poliça’s first three albums, Leaneagh focused on restructuring the world and her relationships within it. On 'When We Stay Alive', she realises the power in restructuring her inner self. The album’s title references the idea of moving forward through life – our experiences, both good and bad – and what happens next with the strength we find. “I had been living unconsciously in past trauma,” Leaneagh says. “I don’t want to deny something happened – this is not about repression – it’s about taking the power back from the past, holding the power in the present, and creating a new story for myself.” See Poliça live: 11/10 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle  12/10 - Milwaukee, WI - Flannel Fest 23/11 - Eau Claire, WI - Jampf Theater 26/11-27/11 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th St Entry 7/2 - Bristol, UK - Thekla 8/2 - Manchester, UK - Gorilla 10/2 - Glasgow, UK - St. Lukes 11/2 - London, UK - Village Underground 12/2 -  Brighton, UK - Concorde 2 14/2 - Paris, France - La Maroquinerie 15/2 -  Brussels, Belgium - Botanique/Orangerie 16/2 - Frankfurt, Germany - Zoom 18/2 - Cologne, Germany - Artheatre 19/2 - Hamburg, Germany - Gruenspan 21/2 - Oslo, Sweden - John Dee 22/2 - Stockholm, Sweden - Slaktkyrkan 24/2 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Little Vega 25/2 - Berlin, Germany - Columbia Theatre 27/2 - Warsaw, Poland - Hydrozagadka 28/2 - Vienna, Austria - WUK 29/2 - Munich, Germany - Hansa 39 1/3 - Milan, Italy - Santeria 3/3 - Barcelona, Spain - La Nau 4/3 - Madrid, Spain - Caracol 19/3 - Madison, WI - High Noon Saloon 20/3 - Chicago, IL - Thalia Hall 21/3 - Detroit, MI - Deluxx Fluxx 23/3 - Toronto, OH - Horeshoe Tavern 24/3 - Montreal, QB - Bar Le Ritz 25/3  - Boston, MA - Brighton Music Hall 27/3 - New York City, NY - Webster Hall 28/3 - Philadephia, PA - Union Transfer 29/3 - Washington, D.C. - 9:30 Club 31/3 - Columbus, OH - The Basement 1/4 - St. Louis, MO - Off Broadway 2/4 - Maquoketa, IA - Codfish Hollow Barn 10/4 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue 16/4 - Seattle, WA - Neptune Theatre 17/4 - Vancouver, BC - Venue 18/4 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom 20/4 - Sacramento, CA - Harlow’s  21/4 - San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore 22/4 - Los Angeles, CA - Teragram Ballroom 24/4 - Phoenix, AZ - Crescent Ballroom 25/4 - Albuquerque, NM - Sister 27/4 - Austin, TX - Scoot Inn 28/4 - Dallas, TX - Deep Ellum Art Co 29/4 - Oklahoma City, OK - 89th St 30/4 - Lawrence, KS - The Bottleneck 1/5 - Omaha, NE - Waiting Room  2/5 - Des Moines, IA - Vaudeville Mews (Tickets on sale on Friday 11th October) Read the full article

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye