#like I’m also scared of the feeling of abandonment that I’ve already coached myself to be okay with the thought of losing them

[bunnyseahorse-blog]

I don’t feel like my therapist is listening, so I fired him, and I don't even feel bad.

I have half a dozen serious mental illness diagnosis and medical issues. When I applied for disability I was approved in three months (usually takes longer from what I'm told) and almost immediately moved from their metaphorical “she might get better” to “she’s going to be receiving benefits for life” pile.

The doctor I saw from age 7 to 30 advised me not to drive because of my condition that causes me frequent fainting.

She suggested I not live alone because I have delusions, mood swings and sometimes need to be hospitalized. I saw this doctor for 23 years, and also went to other specialists that agreed with her. I saw her until she was retired.

My general doctor says that even though I am overweight she is pleased with my glucose and cholesterol levels. My old, and also my new psychiatrists agreed with her.

My parents say I can live with them and have support. They are actually creating an expansion on the house so I can live on my own sort of and still have them nearby. My eldest sibling is inheriting the house when my parents die and they will rent to me until I die. We don't always get along, but I am trying, and we are navigating our unique dynamic so we can make it work.

This new therapist I’ve been seeing keeps insisting I go off disability, get a job, move out of my family’s house, live alone, and lose weight. Because I’m too old to “mooch off my parents.” He made comments from the get go about my weight. I am overweight yes, but he's not a doctor or nurtritionist. I am not experiencing any health issues because of my weight, which is partly due to my medical conditions and my meds. He made a comment once that i should show some pride in myself and not wear a beanie to sessions "do something nice with my hair." He told me once my shoulders looked smaller and I must be doing better. I was thinking.... do I have fat shoulders too??

I am going to a session today to explain to him nicely that he needs to let me set my own goals, and also educate him on how my life really is. I don’t think therapists should require educating. If he doesn’t get it, I’m leaving the session but I’m giving it a shot anyways.

I’m scared and I’m angry. Wish me luck? I don't want to be a project for him. I want to talk about things in sessions that i need to, not what he considers on his own agenda.

EDIT: I went to the session and voiced my concerns about he got a little defensive, but eventually seemed to see what i was saying and switched his focus to what I told him my goals were. However... I wanted a therapist to help me work through my abandonment issues and trauma, not a life coach to push me. I think i might find someone with a different focus is good. (plus him getting defensive isn't a great sign to me) he also insinuated that my little sister, who he has heard off, never met and never examined, is mentally handicapped because of one of her birth parents. We've had her tested, and everyone seems to be saying she's very sharp and doesn't have what her birth mom has. He also asked what my doctor of 23 years even did for me. I was like... diagnosed me with everything I have? Oh but according to him, diagnoses aren't relevant. I have a condition similar to schizophrenia, and yes you should know if you have that....

Also... I signed something saying he could have access to the last notes of my previous therapist, since I have extensive history but he apparently never got it, never told me he didn't get it, and wants me to go through the process again. I feel like the office dropped the ball, because I signed it already.

I think it might be time to move on... I canceled my next appointment. I feel like I should be able to find someone who listens better, and is there to help me, not fix me into things I am not capable of. Having him insist I am wrong and lazy for excepting my limitations, after the long grieving process that came with becoming permanently disabled at 26, has been upsetting, because I keep doubting myself, even though I know I have done the right things.

[lucimorningstar812]

Review of the Decade

From the beginning of 2010 to the very end of 2019, this decade had certainly been a journey that has defined me, for better and for worse. So here’s a list of things I can recall that happened and have brought me to where I am now

Trigger warnings of self harm, suicide and manipulative relationships Also this is VERY long

2010

I went to Thailand for the 2nd time, with my grandparents and mum

I used to use my mum’s Facebook to play games and keep up with friends. She eventually gave me her account and made a new one for herself

I had my Year 6 prom, which I remember being a relationship counsellor for my best friend and her boyfriend while my own boyfriend didn’t even go. There was also an end of year residential trip for year 6 that was one of these adventure centres with abseiling and stuff

I left primary school with pretty decent SATs grades and got into the high school I wanted. Not many people I knew were going, and it was tough at first, but once I started making friends, it became a lot easier

I had my longest relationship (6 months) with said boyfriend I mentioned earlier I’d know for a few years now, and would continue to be friends with throughout high school and into college

I got some stick insects! It was fun to have them for the short time we did. I also kept snails and a caterpillar for a short period of time

2011

My mum had to go into hospital for back surgery

I went to France with school. Discovered I am AWFUL with boats and part of that trip was to Disney, but not even the main park and even then, I barely saw anything because my friends abandoned me

I joined the school netball team. Well, I think it was 2011 when I joined

I sprained my ankle. This damn injury still bothers me to this day if I walk too much, and it’s only just gotten better after recently aggravating it again

2012

I was part of a group at school that we called PAD (people are different) and it was essentially an anti-bullying group

I went on a coach trip to Newquay with my grandparents and mum, and part of the trip was going to the Eden Centre. I loved that trip so much

I got a pair of budgies. Lilith and Jasper were my little sweethearts that I trained to even sit on my finger

2013

I can’t remember if it was this year or late 2012, but I started learning to play violin, and then when I started my GCSEs, that became my focus instrument for the practical exam

The last time I went abroad. We (my grandparents and I) went to Bulgaria for the 2nd time. We stayed at the same resort so we had a decent idea of where everything was now, and it was lovely, but the weeks leading up to going troubled me a lot as all I could imagine was the plane crashing. The anxiety from that and being in the airport is why I’m not too nervous to go abroad

Honestly can’t remember what else happened

2014

I was part of an orchestra. It was part of my GCSE because my music teacher said it would help my friend and I improve, and she also convinced us to go by saying she would take us the first night and buy us KFC

Went to York for the first time with my parents, and then London with my mum, where we stayed with a family friend and did lots of touristy stuff

My Uncle’s dog Ki died. I loved him to bits and I still get upset sometimes thinking about him. He was the first of the 3 to die. I can’t remember when Nikita died, but Shamara was only a few weeks back

2015

I can’t remember if it was this year or 2014, but I did a keeper academy at my zoo and had some amazing experiences, like stroking a sea lion

Had my high school prom. Got to wear my dream dress and it was actually a lo of fun, just hanging out with friends and enjoying the night

Left high school with pretty good GCSEs and got into sixth form, but starting college was my downfall

Got into a relationship for the first time in 4 years with a manipulative asshole who tried to accuse me of manipulating him and forced me to do sexual things I didn’t want to because apparently if we didn’t, he couldn’t be sure the relationship would last. Also felt suicidal for the first time, and when I told my boyfriend, he broke up with me because I wasn’t the girl he fell in love with and it scared him

Had him and my two other friends fuck me over multiple times

2016

Had lost all my friends, so I had to cling to my best friend and hang around with his friends in order to not be alone. Ended up falling for one of his friends and getting into another relationship. Still a shitty one, but better and it hurt way more when that ended

My best friend got into a relationship with one of he friends who fucked me over the previous year. I made friends with her again for his sake, but then she fucked up his life and dragged me down too because I trusted him more than her

Went to Cardiff and the Doctor Who Experience for my 18th. An experience I will forever be grateful for because the place isn’t there anymore

2017

The worst year of my life by a long shot

My dog, my beautiful baby girl Sandy, was put to sleep at age 11. Losing her broke me, and I’ve never recovered, because she was around for over half my life and I never fully grieved, which caused me to unintentionally shut off some emotional reactions that I’ve never gotten back

I had my first proper emotional breakdown at a student day at the college I was looking to go to. I realised all these years I’d been following a dream I didn’t want anymore and was doing it to please everyone else as well as not panic about not having a plan b. I gave up the goal of being a vet, something I had worked towards since I was old enough to know what a vet was

Not part of the bad, but I went to a supernatural convention and got to meet a bunch of the stars which was pretty cool since it’s the first time I’d ever done something like that

Got the closest I ever have to actually considering suicide and throughout that day, spent so much time thinking of how I could do it. Couldn’t go through with anything obviously but it didn’t stop me using a tie to choke myself multiple times trying to make myself pass out, which left a bruise on my neck

I self harmed a lot more back then, from 2015 onward really, and I have all the scars to show

2018

Saw Mark and the guys on tour, and Mark blew a kiss at me. First time I’d ever seen any of the YouTubers I watch in person

Was supposed to get a rescue puppy, but she and her whole litter bar one died. I’d already been feeling iffy about getting a dog again, and this was the last straw that sent me into my worst depressive episode of feeling nothing for 2 straight weeks

Met Dan and Phil at their show during said numbness period. Meant I couldn’t feel anxiety which I guess was good

Ended up getting a puppy and the depression kicked in on day 2 that I waned nothing to do with this dog after saying for months I didn’t even want a dog

Nan got diagnosed with leukaemia and was in and out of hospital for the next few months, first with chemo and then for her bone marrow transplant. I saw her at her lowest, where she was just about ready to give up

Met so many amazing people at the HDWGH show, and got to ask Sean a question in the Q&A. The best day of my life, well until VidCon 2020

Had a massive fallout with my sister, essentially making it so I didn’t speak to her at all throughout 2019 unless I had to

2019

I outlined everything in this post, but there’s a couple of things I didn’t include

Me and my sister made up. Might not be a permanent thing, but at least at Christmas everything felt ok again

I embraced my sexuality this year. I had been questioning it since 2013/2014, and realised I wasn’t straight before June 2018, but 2019 was really the year I thought ‘yes, I’m panroace and proud’

I’ve missed a shit ton of stuff because things blur together and I don’t remember when anything happened, but this decade started with someone excited and determined. It’s ending with some who has that same passion but for a different path, after fighting through the darkest times I’ve had to face. I am who I am, and I am ready both for 2020 and for the next decade

[kiaronna]

YOI Fic Rec ROUND TWO

Hi friends. I put out a fic rec list a while back, and since then I’ve read a lot more, cried a lot more, laughed a lot more. So here’s another fic rec list for YOI! Most of these are different authors, in an attempt to spread the love. 

As before, it goes fewer bookmarks -> more bookmarks, in a very blatant attempt to give exposure.

THE SECOND LIST:

Resting pulse by cafecliche: I’m crying all the time, when I read this fic. It’s amusing and witty, while capturing the Victuuri characterizations perfectly, and also THERE IS PINING. This author’s other fic also address anxiety beautifully, so go forth. Go read all of the cafecliche. Do it for your wellbeing.

Kiss, You’re On Camera by Ashida: THIS IS SO SWEET. They’re at a baseball game, and Yuuri’s neighboring seat gets taken by an attractive stranger. God, it’s cute. Please check it out.

Stay the Night by Shadow_sensei: Your heart won’t be ready for the twist at the end of this. You could never be ready. This story is haunting and I mean that pun in all the best ways—it’s also got a beautiful dreamlike, fairytale (more like scary story) feel to most of it.

Shall We Skate (Through Time) by counterheist: counterheist has written MANY quality fics (also see BREAKING NEWS: Local Man Would Like to Date Other Local Man), most of which have me laughing. God, counterheist is great. This time travel AU also INVOLVES PHICHIT, my man, deals with consequences and, finally, provides great plot.

Yuri Plisetsky Saves the (Figure Skating) World by Dawn on ICE (Dawn_Blossom): Yuri Plisetsky’s interpretation of Viktor running off to “coach” Yuuri. It’s so canon compliant it HURTS—like hurts your stomach, because you’ll be laughing. Also the author is a darling.

A Heart of Paper Cranes by missmichellebelle: Besides being a fantastic human being, this author handles fluff, first time meetings, and anything your heart could desire with aplomb. I love this fic to pieces, and I love the sweet honesty of the Victuuri in it. *swoons*

Meet me halfway (in the future) by MissSpock:  I LOVE THIS FIC?? I love MissSpock, who I discovered and promptly blazed through all the fic of. This excellent time travel fic explores jealousy in a ironic but honest way.

Nuclear Hearts Club by butterbeerbitch:  The best of mutual pining and high school. I think I recc’d butterbeerbitch on my last list too, but I need you to listen to me. This fic has beautiful musings on childhood, which are giving me nostalgia in ways nothing else I’ve read has, and it is heartbreakingly gorgeous. This is poetry, it is prose, I cannot believe this is a real human being writing this. While they have stunning imagery, they also aren’t scared to make gross, hilarious comparisons. Please read this. Do it for me.

Like a design by jinlian: Canon-verse, and very sweet and humorous.

Life Unwoven by rougeandtonic:  TIME TRAVEL AU. WHERE YUURI TIME TRAVELS… BOTH WAYS. You get double the Victuuri, all of the pining, all of the miscommunication being healed, and just… oh. I love this fic. I think about it constantly. I’ve totally already screamed a lot about rougeandtonic on my Tumblr, but I. Do Not. Care. Like, this author probably hates me at this point, but I can’t help it.  Please read their work: kokoro no kaze is another of my favorites.

Lullaby of Birdland by Orchids_and_Fictional_Cities: Yuuri is a figure skater and Viktor is a jazz pianist. It doesn’t hesitate to deal with heavy topics, and the author knows. Their. Jazz. I’m drooling over this fic as we speak. Listen. I don’t understand how this has only 142 bookmarks at 7 chapters. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Meet Me by the River by c0rnfl0wer: do you want Slavic mythology and traditions handled masterfully and presented along with high quality love and pining? Then read this fic! Also, check out c0rnfl0wer’s other works, I can’t imagine how much research and effort he puts into his writing.

The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through His Stomach by futuresoon: I can’t figure this mystery fic out for the life of me. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Do you like mythical creatures? Do you like mysterious and handsome men? Do you like food? Check this out. This quirky, supernatural fic leaves you curious, and ironically hungry for more. Might be on a hiatus, as a warning, but word on the street is that it’s not abandoned.

I see the universe in your eyes by fangirlandiknowit: Oh god. From Yuuri’s POV, and it’s so descriptive, so emotional. This was written a while back, but I just discovered it and it is quality.

(offer me) that Deathless Death by melonbug: VIKTOR IS DEATH in this beautiful and moving fic that’s wrapped up in mystery and prose, but which I want to continue reading forever. There’s some phenomenal life observations in here, too.

Shut up and let me hold you by shysweetthing: I’ll never be over shysweething’s writing. I KNOW I recc’d this author on the last list, but you have to understand that it has brilliant dialogue, clearly understands YOI and episodes 11 and 12, and presents what was absent/only hinted at from them in a way that simultaneously soothes and breaks your heart.

These Frozen Nights by viciously: GEEZ so Yuuri can see ghosts, and Viktor doesn’t know… This fic is just ethereal and shocking, but still domestic and the Victuuri is sweet.

Taking the long way home by thankyouforexisting: Vicchan doesn’t die (so you already know this is gonna be good) and Yuuri doesn’t get drunk, so this fic explores how things change. It’s just… lovely. The dialogue is hilarious and magnificent, the AU is a great idea, and I’m loving this slow build.  NO, THANK YOU for existing, thankyouforexisting.

cover story by fan_nerd: Every frickin time I think back to my pre-AO3 account days, I remember a great fic and have to search for it. Every time I do, IT IS BY FAN_NERD. I love fan_nerd. This is a roommates AU, and is top notch.

Just Like a Stranger With the Weeds in Your Heart by MooseFeels: This ABO fic is just. Just. I tend to obsess over rhythm in my writing, and this fic has rhythm in excess. It just slides smoothly into your head, and astounds you.

Prove Me Wrong by homsantoft (tofsla): I started reading this and thought, oh, another soulmate AU, it could be decent. BUT I WAS A FOOL. This is not any old soulmate fic—it is beautifully handled, and I am unworthy of this and the one other fic by this author for YOI. PLEASE READ IT.

America goals by magnetic wave: Phichit is probably my favorite YOI character that isn’t Viktor or Yuuri, and this fic captures him so well. It also is a fic where you can see a perfect Phichit and Yuuri dynamic, without having to rely on Victuuri at all. I am in love.

Singularity by springsoldier (ladydaredevil):  I think I also recc’d this author on the last list. Do you care? I don’t care. You have to see this. It’s a STAR WARS AU. It’s so understated, and glorious, and hilarious. The Yurio is excellent, and the storyline is handled realistically. Finally, a Star Wars fic that shows you how a good Jedi deals with love.

A Lesson in Wanting by awesometinyhumanbeing:  I AM FANNING MYSELF. I love this fic! I love the trope of being in love with someone you’re married to, but being unable to deal with it. Reading the lines here just make me want to cry, and by the time things are finally resolved you will be incredibly invested in their happy ending.

Butt Stuff by Plumpie:  Yuuri gets an invasive… butt procedure. And Viktor is his nurse. Every moment in this is amusing.

At Home by SuggestiveScribe: SuggestiveScribe is pretty prolific, or was back a few months ago, and all of their works are breathtaking. Please check them out. This one’s fluffy, domestic despite the travel, and fun.

Katsuki Yuuri: Ascended Fanboy by Defiant-Dreams (DefiantDreams):  I’M LAUGHING SO HARD. Yuuri is a commentator, Viktor is still a skater, and everyone is exposed to their mutual and very obvious crushes in this great comedy.

Blackbird by sixpences: If you read nothing else I’ve recced to you but you still read this fic, I will be happy. This extremely well thought-out and planned fic showcases Yuuri and Viktor as intelligence operatives during WWII and the Cold War, and is brilliant in its complex portrayal of the issues at the time. Also, they’re ridiculously cute together even in heartbreaking circumstances. There is homophobia in-universe, but the handling of it is sublime and it’s there for a reason. I JUST UM. DEEP BREATHS EVERYBODY. THIS FIC IS SO GOOD.

Aria: Stammi Vicino, Non Te Ne Andare by exile_wrath:  Okay so listen. I am a very sensitive kid. This fic made me have a LOT OF FEELINGS, and is sublime. I will say there is definitely some violence, but it’s handled as well as this author handles everything, and the story as a whole transports you to this whole other Beauty-And-The-Beast but darker world! It’s very imaginative.

Constellations (Things You Left Unsaid) by DasWarSchonKaputt: I love Yuuko, and anytime she shows up in this fic I scream. This fic is just hilarious and deals with Yuuri’s feelings of inadequacy quite well. A+ role reversal AU!

Take Hold by Lavender Prose: Have I ever mentioned that I’m a complete sucker for soulmate AUs? I am, and this one is stunning and thorough in its worldbuilding. Also, check out the author’s tumblr for short but effective drabbles.

Kings in Couture by slightlied: I think a lot of people have also heard of this one, but I don’t care. The first two chapters are excellent, and accompanying drabbles for this universe can be found on the author’s tumblr, and they are also engaging. Just visit the author’s tumblr—it’s a lot of quality content of all kinds, and she’s bursting with ideas.

Now When Arrows Don’t Penetrate, Cupid Grabs the Pistol by ken_ichijjouji (dommific): AHAHAHA this fic, it’s funny. Also, it stars Phichit and almost every possible couple in YOI, so you know it’s going to be an exciting ride!

Worthwhile by surveycorpsjean: People like to watch Viktor suffer, but it’s always from pining. This fic handles the concept that Viktor can have major insecurities and struggles too, showing through heart-rending metaphor. And of course, it shows that Viktor can still deal with these things while having and deserving a loving relationship. Ah, homophobia warning here, but it’s a fic dealing with a lot of real world issues.

Twenty-Five Hours by 0lizzybennet0: Listen here. This is my favorite identity reveal fic. Somehow this author takes a plane ride (normally a terrible experience for all) and makes it into a rollercoaster of good times and cuddles and wrenching revelations. I love this Viktor, and this Yuuri, and the pacing is just right, as well as the Viktor/Yurio dynamic.

Beside the Dancing Sea by lily_winterwood and MapleTreeway: probably a fic that everybody knows, but it’s so well planned and such a great take on selkies that I can’t help but recommend it. There’s actual poetry in here, folks, as well as great prose—dream scenes, sweet romantic getaways in bays, CUTE SEALS. And, for a time, a mystery! Just… read this fic, if you’ve somehow missed it.

Centripetal force by braveten: Braveten is pretty well known, so you’re probably like “kiaronna why are you showing us this, of course we all know this fic” but this is my FAVORITE OF HER FICS and it’s going to get recommended, dang it. If you somehow missed this adorable masterpiece and like college fic, check it out. One of the chapters also made me hide in a bathroom for a while to deal with my freakout about emotions.

 Unfortunately, because of life, I haven’t had as much time to explore the tag... or much time in general. so if you’re one of the works I love but I missed you, I’m sorry! 

Hopefully you readers will share my enjoyment of these amazing works!

[hemarriedawriter]

Safety.

2.18.18

 There’s one particular image that is still haunting me, four days later. It’s from one of the cell phone videos that one of the students captured from the corner of the classroom. In it, the SWAT team enters the room, guns drawn, demanding that the students put their hands up. And hands go up. But one pair of hands stands out from the others. These two particular hands are shaking uncontrollably. They’re trembling. Actually, it’s worse than that. They’re flapping. They’re the hands of a child whose life just changed.

 That’s the image that I cannot get out of my mind.

 I was on another airplane when the events at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School took place. It was an easy flight, with the majority of my time spent finalizing and tweaking my presentation scheduled for the following day with educators in Minnesota, focused on how to support beginning educators. It wasn’t until I got into my rental car and turned on NPR that I learned that it was happening. Again. Another school shooting. At a high school. With an unconfirmed number of fatalities, the only thing certain was that there were many.

 I know how this goes for me. I lock into NPR in the car and then CNN in my hotel room and I begin to embody the terror and sadness through every cell in my body and I can’t turn it off. I turn inward. I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t call my husband, I don’t journal, I don’t read, I don’t change the channel, I just watch. And there’s so much to watch. I am paralyzed with watching.

 I watch the images from the helicopters as students run out of the school, backpacks abandoned. I watch as parents envelope their children, many with ashes on their forehead, many wearing red and pink hearts as this was both Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday. I watch the cell phone footage from the students. Footage more graphic and horrific than anything I’ve ever seen before. So graphic that my brain can hardly allow me to register that these images are real. There is blood. There are bodies. There is blood and there are bodies next to desks and books and all the familiar images that my brain has categorized into ‘school’ and ‘learning.’ These images don’t belong together. There are images of police cars and ambulances and riot gear and transcripts from text messages and the voice a superintendent speaking for a community when no job training or degree prepared him for this moment.

 When I finally force myself to close my eyes, the last thing I remember hearing was that even then, eight hours later, parents were still waiting to hear the news.

Eight.

Hours.

Later.

Still.

Waiting.

And no one could give a good explanation as to why, no matter how many ways or times Anderson Cooper pushed on this.

 ******

 Those first few moments in the morning when I’m traveling are always kind of this no-man’s land where it takes me a bit to figure out where I am, what day it is, what my schedule is, and if I’m awake early or already running late. On February 15th I realized that I was in Minneapolis, I was on time, I was headed to a training with mentors, coaches, teachers, and administrators from all over the state, and there were 17 confirmed dead in Parkland, Florida.

 I set forth in my routine, I delivered my training with all of my heart and my full presence and I came home and crawled into bed, not ready to face this familiar scene of the day after. I surrendered until my husband came home with flowers and pistachios and Clementines (all of my favorite treats) and gently reminded me that we still had our own Valentine’s Day to celebrate and I got up because I love him and I love that he re-centers me when I shut down.

 And for a few hours I forgot about the images. I enjoyed a phone-free dinner with my husband in a quiet restaurant followed by an after-dinner drink in our neighborhood pub where we watched the figure skaters in the Olympics.

 ******

 And now the debates are flowing hot and heavy all over social media. I refuse to enter into the wild west landscape of the comments. I want my world to return to photos of Instant Pot creations and daughters all dressed up to attend fancy dances with their fathers, the men of my high-school years. But that is not the world anymore. Not right now.

 Columbine happened when I was in my first year in my own classroom, a handful of miles away from Littleton. I was a long-term sub in an eighth-grade civics class (as a trained English teacher), 23 years old, and I was totally in over my head in so many ways. I called my parents for advice as to what to say to my students on April 21st as I had no idea where to even start, feeling too young and totally unprepared to face these scared souls the following day, with my own terror of how our world had changed on April 20th, 1999.  I don’t remember what I said exactly. I am fairly positive (or at least hopeful) that my words revolved around safety and how they were indeed safe at school and how it was my job to keep them safe and I promised them that I would. And I believed that.

 And then Sandy Hook happened and I was brought to my knees. More precisely, I was brought to my back. I couldn’t get out of bed for days after Sandy Hook. If my husband hadn’t turned off the TV and lifted me back into the world I’d probably still be in the fetal position in our bed.

 These days, my research and my work centers around self-care for educators. It’s my passion project. My crusade. I am convinced with my entire heart that if teachers can take exquisite care of themselves, they’ll be equipped to take exquisite care of their students.

 But how does self-care protect a teacher—or a child—from an assault rifle?

 This question haunts me.

 For my self-care work, I use Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as the research-based foundation for the work. We learn to check in with ourselves and ask ourselves questions related to each level of the hierarchy. We start at level one and ask ourselves if our basic needs are met. In other words, have we eaten? Have we had enough water? Did we sleep last night? And if we answer yes to that level, we express gratitude and move to level two. Here, we ask ourselves, ‘Do I feel safe?’

 And here’s where I’m stuck. Where so many of us are stuck. Do we feel safe? No. We do not feel safe.

 I strive to be a positive person. I work hard to see the good in the world and in individual people, even those who act the worst. I remind myself—daily—that there is more love in the world than evil. And most days I believe that and I feel safe enough to move to level three of the hierarchy. But I’ve been stuck at level two for four full days now.

 Life, of course, continues to go on and I play my role and I attempt to secure my own oxygen mask. I go for long walks with my dog and do yoga in my office. I savor date night with my husband. I give myself permission to spend Saturday afternoon absorbed in a novel. I go to bed before 9:00 on a Saturday night. I avoid numbing out with wine and instead pour myself another glass of sparkling water.

 And yet I feel off. Twitchy. Anxious. Nervous. Emotionally wrought.

 I’m on another airplane as I write this. This time I’m heading to Kansas to work with a school district on how to create highly engaged classrooms for our students. But there will be an elephant in the room with us. An elephant holding a sign with strobe lights screaming at us that NONE OF THIS MATTERS if we don’t first feel safe.

 On a grand scale, I’m committed to The Cause. I’m ready to march, to call, to write, to scream, to walk-out, to rally, and engage in all the other verbs that might result in action.

 But I’m also concerned about tomorrow. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And how we help our educators feel safe themselves so that they can, in turn, help their students—your children--feel safe as well.

 So here’s where I believe we start:

 We review our school safety plans, one more time, and visualize our own mode of action even though we hate thinking about it. We look at our class lists, one more time, and check-in with each individual student, ensuring that each of those souls feels connected to at least one other student and one other adult in the building. We look students in the eye and we pull them aside for one-on-one conversations where we listen like heaven, the standards be damned for a minute.

 We make sure that our own family has a safety plan. Are essential phone numbers memorized? Do we have a way to charge our cell phones? Have we told each other how much we love that person and why? Have we forgiven acts that need to be forgiven?

 And then we take time to focus on the good. We are grateful that schools now have precise protocols even though we hate that we have to. We are grateful that those protocols continue to be refined, even though we are enraged that this is a need. We are grateful that there are first responders who run towards us and grief counselors who hold space for us. We listen to our colleagues with our whole hearts and check in on the quiet ones or the ones whose hands tremble. Particularly the newbies.

 We take radical care of ourselves. We allow for quiet in our day. We breathe. We hug. We seek out the inspirational stories that remind us that our ideals are actually based in truth and reality. We distance ourselves from online shouting matches and accusatory finger-pointing. We look for quotes and images that sooth us. We reflect on five amazing things that occurred in our classroom that day and five incredible things that happened in our homes. We put ourselves to bed.

 We take gentle steps towards healing ourselves and reestablishing solid footing around our level two needs. We ask for help when we need it. We take a time-out when we need it. We laugh hard again, because we need it.