#like I shouldn’t say that actually wrote like 300 words? and I might play with more

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

the fact that Jeremiah’s little brother calls him Jem like BYEEEEE

[orionsangel86]

Some honest thoughts...

As many of you know, I have tried to remain very positive lately about the show and the current direction. I have always tried to speak my mind and not mislead my followers especially regarding a topic that we are all so very passionate about. This is why I want to write down some things that have played on my mind lately. 

Long post under the cut

I have always been honest about my analysis of the show, and what I interpret as I watch. What I don’t think is made clear enough by many of us meta writers is that sometimes the direction of the show changes, sometimes the change is slow, sometimes it happens abruptly. All we can do is let the show guide us. We let the meta guide US, rather than force it to fit our preferred reading.

The one thing I have always tried to avoid, regardless of what idiots on Twitter might claim, is confirmation bias. I will not let my desire for canonically romantic Destiel endgame affect my meta reading of the show. I ALWAYS force myself to see other perspectives and usually, the show still pleasantly surprises me by loading the subtext with Destiel themes.

I have written several posts on the topic lately to remind you all of my current stance:

My view on canon endgame Destiel (plus additions by others)

My view on the business side of things

My last meta piece on endgame themes in Season 14

Since the announcement that Season 15 was the last, I have suffered a whole range of emotions, and many of those were relating to my fear over Destiel. My desire for it to be brought to text is shared by so many of you, I am just another fan like any of you who desperately wants this love story honoured and done RIGHT. My optimism has constantly jumped up and down from episode to episode, from one PR release to another. I can’t make up my bloody mind. 

I’m scared. 

I’ll probably be mocked for saying that. I half expect the assholes to grab hold of this post when I’m done and use it to twist my words and attack Destiel shippers with. The one thing you can always count on with absolute certainty is the predictability of the bronlies and *others* who have recently aligned themselves with them. I’ll blow them a kiss now and be done with it.

This isn’t a post to announce a *change* of heart as such, but like @tinkdw wrote this morning my optimism on endgame romantic Destiel is currently at a low point.

Ever since the end of the S12/13 escalation after 13x06, I have had this horrible voice in the back of my head telling me that such an abrupt change of pace probably came from higher up. Suddenly jumping from a heavily romantic Destiel arc to zero Destiel focus was extremely jarring and confusing enough even for the general audience to be confused with.

Since then, whilst we HAVE had quite a nice helping of Destiel elements in the show to keep us going, the lack of follow up on that escalation at THIS point is starting to concern me. There is still definitely intentional subtext being laid down for us to enjoy, but in my opinion it has fallen back into the realm of plausible deniability and the characters can easily be viewed as platonic friends/brothers.

Instead, there has been a drastic increase in the focus on found family and the Winchester family unit lately - centering around TFW being the parents of Jack. Sam, Dean, and Cas have all been presented as three equal father figures to their son, the majority of PR has treated the three show leads very equal, and this in itself is amazing for a show that has so often side lined Cas in previous years. This is still a hug win for anyone who sits in camp “Cas is a lead and this show is more than the brothers”.

I always used to say when Dabb took over, that this was a good thing for Cas fans. I still maintain this stance. Cas is more present than ever as an equal to Sam and Dean, and sure they have their disagreements, but his character journey is integral to the brothers journey now. There is absolutely no way that this show will end without the three of them together - whether in life or in death. If it does, then I will be flinging my laptop into the wall in utter despair. 

The latest episode was a heavily emotional send off for Mary Winchester. I was expecting her death, though for a short time there I hoped that perhaps it would  be subverted. I feel like she was honoured well, but at the same time I am upset that she was given no choice in the matter, and I will never fully be satisfied with her death as on a very basic level, it was yet another fridging. I also recoiled at the idea that her heaven included John Winchester - after an early season build of a potential new relationship with Bobby (one that was heavily DeanCas coded) this is another change of direction that left me blinking in the headlights. It is another element that has shaken my faith in the show’s ability to logically plot story direction. The one comfort I can take here, is that the John from Mary’s heaven was NOT the actual soul of John Winchester, but a happy memory of him. Mary’s heaven’s front door clearly only states her own name. Her and John have never been actual soulmates - just forced soulmates for heavens purposes. I can’t berate Mary on her happy memories of her marriage, but from a narrative perspective it feels like a regression of sorts, put there purely for sentimental purposes. Had it been clear that it was John’s soul, it would have been far worse and I would be in a far worse frame of mind right now.

I have seen some really great meta on this latest episode talking about how Mary’s death has shown once again the difference between Dean and Cas, and Sam and Cas, and how Dean’s extreme emotional reaction to Cas’s desperate attempt to shelter Jack and the brothers from further pain indicates an emotional bond between them beyond the realm of platonic friendship and brotherhood. I really want to agree with this reading. I do. I can see it, and I agree that this could potentially lead to a discussion between them that is desperately overdue. 

But I can also easily see this being overlooked. I can see Bucklemming stomping into the story next episode with their gigantic clumsy boots and crushing all of Bobo’s delicately weaved plot full of call backs, mirrors and poetic symmetry. I can see the DeanCas *conversation* that we have been eagerly awaiting now for nearly 2 whole seasons being once again left behind. 

After the series end announcement, I looked back at several episodes that aired recently, and I speculated that the writers have known this since at least episode 300. Too much of what has been said in the scripts since is obviously a message to the fans. Therefore, everything we are currently watching is also already “the endgame” because the writers at this point should start wrapping up loose plot threads and focusing on finalising the character stories. Setting things up for the big finale.

This is why I believe 14x14′s shock end with Michael being destroyed so easily by Jack happened. I seriously doubt that is how it was originally supposed to go. They needed to clear the path for Jack rather than having various different plots running simultaneously like they usually do. 

This is also why I am slightly anxious about Cas’s Empty deal. If this becomes a thread picked up for season 15 great, but I can also see them easily resolving it in some outlandish way to instead focus on whatever big final story will be the focus in season 15. I would love Cas’s deal TO be the focal story, and if this happens, I will also regain faith in a romantic Destiel subplot, but I am wavering. 

Since the writers knew when writing the current run of episodes in season 14 that the season would wind up and prepare for the endgame, if they intended Destiel to be brought to text, I was expecting something more than what we have got. Perhaps I’m just finally burnt out, but frankly I don’t think that the way Dean treated Cas in this latest episode read as a lovers spat, I don’t see intentional romance being coded into their scenes together, and I certainly don’t see any indication from Jensen Ackles in his acting choices that Dean is struggling with a deep love for Cas vs his grief over the loss of his mum. I see loss, and anger, and an outstanding performance yes, but his treatment of Cas was far too cold. In fact, when I look purely at Jensen and Dean over the past season, his interactions with Cas have all been rather cold in my mind. I’m sorry to say this, and I would welcome anyone reaching out to me to point out examples where this view is incorrect. But compare his interactions with Cas to any interactions with Sam, and the difference is obvious, and not in a good way. 

Misha, on the other hand, as always, has spectacularly portrayed Cas’s love for Dean in such an outstanding and heartbreaking way. Throughout this episode his anguish was so evident. He took my breath away, and that final scene when he tries to go to Dean, but Sam stops him, that really made me want to cry. 

So I am still confused, and concerned, because where I see Misha continuing to act his heart out in favour of the love story, I see nothing of the same from Jensen - not since early season 13 anyway. If Destiel was truly on the cards, shouldn’t there be more in the way of early season 13? Are my expectations really so high to want something more than mere one sided scraps?

I need to stress here that I understand the many excuses given towards Dean’s sometimes offish behaviour. He represses his emotions, he hides his feelings, he comes across angry when he is worried. He gets aggressive and violent when scared. I know all of this and will accept this IF the next two episodes SHOW me that he is ALSO capable of apology, of the kind of care and feeling towards Cas that he always gives to Sam. 

Because we HAVE seen that softer, more loving Dean regularly in Season 14. We have seen outstanding performances from Jensen in that respect - but only ever towards Sam, or Mary, or occasionally Jack. He has never shown Cas that same treatment. Again, I appeal to you, especially to other meta writers, to point out clear examples of where I am wrong. Because I really really want you to change my mind. Show me where Dean is obviously looking at Cas with clear romantic love, where the music sweeps and his face betrays his emotion the way it does for Misha whenever Cas is with Dean. 

Of course, there is a rational argument here. That this is all done purposely specifically for the Destiel drama. If this is the case then GREAT. I want it. Believe me I do. But we have two episodes left of this season and one of them will be a huge mess of pacing, action, clunky plot and terrible dialogue, and the other will be the finale which appears to be mostly taken up by Chuck’s return IMO. I can’t see any DeanCas outstanding drama being resolved in the next two episodes. I really REALLY want to be wrong. But if they don’t resolve that DeanCas drama by season end, then IMO the story between them will remain familial. Because a Dean Winchester coming out story in the final season alone just isn’t plausible. 

Again, I stress that I want to be wrong here, but the writers knew the end was coming when they wrote these last few episodes, and if Destiel was something they were doing, then they would have written it into the end of this season. I’m not saying I need a canon reveal, but I do need something more than the scraps we have been given if I am to have my faith rekindled. 

Don’t get me wrong, I adore all the focus on found family, and I fully expect season 15 to further push the Winchesters to finally show to Cas how much he is part of their family. I even think there is a good chance that we could get his name carved on the table by final season end - following that heartbreaking shot of Mary’s initials next to her son’s in 14x18. But I don’t see it being romantic, if there is no romantic push coming up. It is far too easy right now for the show to reinforce the notion that Cas is another brother. I do love that the story is developing down a clear path where Cas will likely choose to be human and live a human life with his brothers, but brothers is all they will be.

I really hope I am wrong, but in amongst all the speculation of this big Destiel reunion and conversation that is long overdue, I can’t help but remember that we have been waiting for this conversation for nearly two years. Just because fandom remembers and holds on to the overtly romantic S12/13 escalation doesn’t mean a general audience will remember this. They will only see the present, and in the present Dean and Cas do not act like a romantic couple. If another long hiatus goes by without that conversation having occurred, it is yet another gap in which the general audience will forget, and the writers will be able to drop it as they have always dropped it previously. 

This is endgame, we can’t afford to have the deancas important plot points dropped anymore. We can’t afford to have their conversations, and apologies, and moments of making up, left in the subtext. We NEED to have that stuff shown the way they show it if it is Sam and Dean. 

If they aren’t planning on doing that, then I doubt there will even be a “Destiel” plot to meta about. It will remain in subtext, as scraps, and maybe something ambiguous right at the end as a saving grace in order to not completely destroy the shows legacy once complete. 

The further we move away from any substantial Destiel elements, the more and more likely it is that a CW exec already pulled the plug on it. As much as I love Bobo, and still enjoyed this episode for its melancholic poetic beauty, his own bitterness over Wayward Sisters still shows clearly in his writing (in my opinion) and I don’t believe he truly has his heart in it the way Steve Yokey does. I sometimes wonder if his lack of passion for his episodes recently is to do with more than just the loss of Wayward Sisters. Could Bobo also be upset about a “no” on Destiel?

The saving grace here being that Yokey still fills his episode with passion and plenty of queer coding. Yokey is the other person on the writing team who I focus on in terms of accusations of queerbaiting. Yokey certainly wouldn’t queerbait his own community, but unlike Bobo where there appears to be a certain bitterness over his place on the show, Yokey still embraces his role and seems very happy with it. If they had truly been given a red light from the execs, then wouldn’t Yokey also be feeling kinda pissed off that he is working on a show that is potentially going to go down in history as the biggest queerbait since TV began?

Aside from Bobo, which can be explained by Wayward Sisters, there is still passion and joy from the writing team, and if they were truly aware that Destiel wasn’t happening, I don’t think they would be so proud. So maybe there is still hope after all? They aren’t the kind of people to intentionally queerbait their fanbase. Yet Destiel has definitely been an intentional part of their storytelling for years. 

I truly hope that the next two episodes rekindle my faith, but right now I have very little hope for textual romance. I am still 100% on board with the found family, Cas is definitely a Winchester and third lead focus that the show has been pushing. It brings me a lot of joy. But yeah, I need a lot more than we are currently getting if Destiel is really still on track. 

Sorry guys. Perhaps I am just not quite out of my rough patch this week. I am fickle enough that by next week I could have totally changed my mind again, but as always. These are my opinions, not to be inflicted on anyone else. You are responsible for managing your own expectations. This is how I manage mine.

xxx

[btsybrkr]

What A Time To Be At Home!: The Best And Worst Coronacontent The Internet Has To Offer

Remember that joke that’s been around for ages, but was being told literally everywhere back in 2019? The one that went something like, “I hate it when people ask me where I’ll be in a year’s time - I don’t have 2020 vision!”?

Well, I bloody wish someone did.

In fact, in early January, I wrote out my own predictions for the decade ahead right here on my blog. They were obviously entirely hypothetical and - I thought - ridiculous. They were just a series of daft ideas that I thought I could take the piss out of, in the hope that people might read it and take a second out of their day to do an amused little nose exhale for me. But now, even the post-apocalyptic TV show ideas I pitched in that piece seem less ‘far-off dystopian chaos’, and more like they could be pleasant additions to the BBC Summer schedule.

The world is in the throes of a global pandemic, the likes of which haven’t been seen since… I don’t know, The Black Plague, maybe? As a result of that, the instructions have been clear: stay home, save lives. 

At first, the thought of being given a period of Government-sanctioned laziness seemed like a dream to many. We could write our autobiographies! Learn Klingon! Build ourselves a whole new house! But six weeks in, it appears to have started messing with the collective consciousness of the human race. Brains are fried, your Weekly Screen Time is up 103%, stomachs are full to the brim with banana bread and dalgona coffee, and certain celebrities’ egos are in a fight to the death with their common sense. In a time when we’re all supposedly doing nothing, there’s still so much going on. 

With that in mind, I thought we could recognise some of the things we’ve seen online that have kept us talking in lockdown, not just because of Coronavirus, but in spite of it. 

Welcome to the first (but hopefully not annual) What A Time To Be At Home! awards. The WATTBAH!’s, if you like.

The ‘Why On Earth Did You Think This Was A Good Idea?’ Award

Over the last few weeks, we’ve seen a sizable handful of blunders by the rich and famous that have, at worst, knocked them down a fair few places in our estimations and, at best, have left us scratching our heads, wondering what response they were expecting in the first place. 

With that in mind, it’s only right that this title goes to the original celebrity lockdown mistake: Gal Gadot’s ill-advised acapella cover of Imagine, featuring a variety of different Hollywood stars - not one of whom had the foresight to ask “are you sure this doesn’t make us look like complete arseholes?”, which, unfortunately, it absolutely does. 

Between the bizarre and insincere ‘I have a dream’-style speech at the beginning, the boldness of some of those featured to be quite clearly just taking the piss, and the fact everyone appears to be singing ever-so-slightly below the note without ever actually hitting it for the entirety of the song, this was tone-deaf in more ways than one. It’s even worse when you realise that this was posted less than one week into the lockdown, but then what would I know? Maybe madness sets in faster in multi-million dollar mansions. Probably because it echoes louder and bounces off the walls of your massive living room.

The ‘I Had To Suffer Through This, So You Do, Too’ Award

This award recognises content we’ve been witness to over the last few weeks that was so awful, so completely uncomfortable to watch, that after you’d gotten over the initial disbelief at what you’d just seen, you immediately had to send it to somebody you know, so that you can suffer through it together.

Despite how many celebrity lockdown moments have left me with my head in my hands over the last few weeks, this award could only go to a very recent contender - one which isn’t simply an embarrassing piece of celebrity lockdown content, but will likely haunt the inner corners of my brain long after this virus is simply a topic taught about in GCSE History lessons of the future. 

I am, of course, talking about Olly Murs. I’m talking about Pringlegate. I’m talking about Olly Murs removing the bottom of a can of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles to trick his own girlfriend into touching his penis. On video, on TikTok.

Twitter: @buckyw1ng

There’s something inherently quite chilling about Pringlegate. It might be something to do with the 10,000 watt grin on Olly’s face as we watch him carefully maneuver a tin opener around the bottom of the can, or perhaps it’s just the question of how long he’d been sat there holding it around his naked penis as he and his girlfriend watched a film, patiently waiting for the moment to strike. Perhaps it’s the way the video freezes as she reaches over for a Pringle, allowing time for Olly Murs’ to add in an audio clip of himself, shouting “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND”. 

Maybe it’s the uncontrollable show of amusement he launches into as she snatches her hand back in shock, laughing away, heartily, as if to say “Ha! You thought it was a normal can of Pringles, but it was actually my PENIS covered in Pringles crumbs! You just got PUNKED!”, like it was all simply a clever ruse. 

Above all else, I think the most uncomfortable thing about it is that I can’t help but feel like all bets are off in 2020, and that this is a fairly tame warm-up for things to come.

So, Olly Murs, you are inarguably the rightful winner of the ‘I Had To Suffer Through This, So You Do, Too’ award. Congratulations! Don’t do it again, yeah?

The ‘Are You Actually Aware Of These Words Coming Out Of Your Mouth?’ Award

I’ve said some stupid things since this lockdown started. Personally, I put it down to the lack of social interaction, which I think might be frying my brain a little bit, or at least that’s what the ornament of a turkey that sits on my kitchen windowsill told me the other day. However, I don’t think I or anybody I know has said anything even one fraction-of-an-iota as void of intelligent thought as Vanessa Hudgens’ terrible opinions on social distancing, shared in a now-infamous Instagram live last month. 

“It’s a virus,” she clarified, helpfully, before going on to explain, “I get it. I respect it.” 

I’m sure your respect means the world to it, Vanessa, but do you ‘get’ it?

“But even if everybody gets it, like… yeah… people are gonna die,” she explains, in a tone so chirpy that the word ‘die’ might as well be replaced by the phrase ‘have such a bloody lovely old time’, “which is terrible, but, like… inevitable?” 

In all fairness, death is inevitable, but I don’t know if suggesting speeding up that process for thousands of people because you were disappointed that Coachella was cancelled is an equally logical take.

After a brief - and probably quite profound - moment of self-reflection, she laughs “I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t be doing this right now”. Oh, you think? Which bit? Just holding these insane ideas, or actually broadcasting them to your 39.1 million Instagram followers? 

She did post a video the day after, clarifying that - despite what she said - she is staying at home, and is urging others to do the same. I guess she does respect the virus after all. Now, if everyone could hurry up, catch it and die from it, so that she can go to Coachella 2021, Vanessa Hudgens might respect you, too. 

I guess We’re All In This Together, after all.

The Show Of Support Award

I’ve already talked a lot about the rich and famous here, so maybe it’s time to take a break from that madness - although, I get it, I respect it - and have a look at how the rest of our lives look at the moment.

One weekly occurrence that seems to be set to stick around is the weekly round of applause for the NHS. Whilst it’s nothing short of blood-boilingly annoying seeing Boris Johnson absent-mindedly clapping in celebration of a service that he recently admitted he hadn’t even noticed the strain on until he, himself, nearly died of the virus, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the rest of us getting involved. If anything, it’s heart-warming to see the videos of NHS staff being applauded by neighbours as they leave for work, and to hear the cheers echoing through the streets at 8pm every Thursday. There’s a lot of people being quite cynical about it. We obviously know it’s not going to stop Coronavirus in its tracks, but sometimes it’s just nice to be nice, alright?

One thing I’ve noticed recently is how many people have adopted different noise-making strategies, possibly in an effort to effectively boost their support by a factor of 300%. Banging pots and pans together appears to be the most popular, but the winner of this award saw your pots and pans and said “how sweet”, before showing us how it’s really done.

I present to you, a genius. The ultimate hype-man.

Twitter: “a deeply disturbed national psyche” - @willuminare

There’s something so chaotic and angry about the energy in this video, just one man, a cricket bat, and a wheelie bin, banging away to show his gratitude. Just living in the moment. I wish the neighbour who’d captured it on camera had caught more of it, or at least just enough to edit the footage with Electric Youth’s soaring synth anthem  ‘A Real Hero’ from the soundtrack of the movie Drive against it.

I’ve been trying to learn to play the keytar in lockdown, to near enough no avail. Maybe at 8pm next Thursday, I’ll just take it outside and smash it against the pavement. You know, for the NHS.

Honourable Mentions: The Very Best In Coronacontent

It’s not all been so questionable - there’s been a lot of uplifting, funny, positive and thoughtful things shared online over the past few weeks. John Krasinski’s YouTube series Some Good News has provided a much-appreciated contrast from the bleakness of traditional current affairs programmes. There’s five weeks worth of episodes on his YouTube channel at the moment, so I would definitely recommend checking it out, especially if you feel like you need a lift! 

Over on Twitter, there’s been a lot to laugh about, as ‘front camera comedians’ are well and truly in their element (my personal favourite recently has been Alistair Green), as well as plenty of other users who are utilising their free time to create some brilliant stuff - this six-part opera based on a 2007 Facebook argument by Archie Henderson is genuinely one of the funniest things I’ve seen in weeks.

Twitter: “I made a six-act opera out of a conversation between some 14 year olds on my Facebook from 2007″ - @jazzemu_

All in all, these are obviously bizarre times that we’re living in. We don’t know how many more weeks of lockdown we’re going to have, when we’ll get back to normal, or even if ‘normal’ will mean something completely different from now on. 

What we do know is that the internet, and everyone on it - whoever they are or whatever they’re saying - will continue to surprise us, inform us, entertain us, provide a place for our quizzes and conversations, and keep us together in some sense, when we have no choice but to be apart. 

Thanks to anyone who’s read this far. I hope that you and your friends and families are keeping well, and that you took even a slight shred of lockdown enjoyment from even one thing I’ve said over the past couple thousand words! 

Finally, before I go, I thought we might share a little song. It goes like this:

Imagine there’s no heaven....

if you like, can follow me on twitter here or instagram here :-)

[luciferpens]

Growing......vines? || Harleen

What: Harley and Eveleen running into one another for the first time in years. One was in love and ran avoiding; and the other has no clue and feels betrayed. What could go wrong? Or maybe right? Where: Botanical Gardens When: August 2, 2020 @icarialex​

Riding her skateboard through the botanical gardens had been Harley’s favorite pastime since she moved to the isle. No matter how many times she rode through, she still found something new to admire. It helped too that she used her ability to manipulate the earth to make sure the paths stayed smooth and well kept. It would be a shame for all of the work Persephone put into the sanctuary to be dimmed by crappy groundwork. That day she figured would be no different, but she nearly fell off her skateboard due to the sight of someone she didn’t expect to run into. It was dumb to not think that Eve wouldn’t eventually make her way to an island made just for demigods, but Harley liked to dream apparently. Even though it was bound to be uncomfortable, the idea of trying to run away without being caught didn’t even cross her mind. They had been best friends once after all, and the writer definitely deserved more than that. So, with a deep breath, she slowly skated towards where the woman was and stopped a few feet away. “Hey, Eevee,” she said awkwardly as she kicked up her board. Holding it would at least give her something to do with her hands.(edited)

...

It was weird being on the island; she had gone from living in a bustling city to moving to an island that was just a bit smaller than the city she had lived in -- but carried the population of the city block she had lived on. It was so quiet, so peaceful.... and so weird. She was used to parties till the sun came up, noise everywhere and people. Here while everyone was so different they all had one thing in common. They weren't human and that was probably the weirdest part of it all; the fact that they would all be here... together. It was ripe for story ideas. Eveleen had made a habit of going to one of the many parks or gardens whenever she needed to do some writing, and well, Icaria would be no different. So she made her way to the botanical gardens and found a bench near the middle, surrounded by trees and flowers, buzzing bees and butterflies all around and wrote. She was curled up a notebook in hand when she heard that familiar voice. Her whole body, including her breathing, froze. She swallowed hard as anger, confusion, hurt and longing slammed through her body. After what felt like an eternity but was really just a moment, she looked up and had a smile on her face. "Hey Harles--Harley" she said quickly correcting herself. Harley probably didn't want that level of a friendliness not after ghosting on her.

...

The change from the nickname to her name showed Eve’s displeasure, and it made Harley internally wince. She shouldn’t have expected any different though. It wasn’t like they’d left things on the best of terms. Harley wished more than anything that she could have stopped herself from catching feelings for her best friend. It was such a lesbian cliche. ”You look amazing,” she said easily. It helped to fill in the conversation, but it helped that it was such an easy thing to point out. Eve always looked so put together. ”How long do I have before you let me have it,” she asked in a shy voice. A fight was bound to happen, and what was worse was that none of the answers she was willing to give the woman would be enough. ”I have my will intact. Also, who in all the Gods told you to come to this isle now?” With demigods being kidnapped left and right from Icaria, she didn’t get people flocking to the area. They probably had more luck staying as spread out as possible.

...

Eveleen ran a hand through her hair as she closed her notebook and looked up to her old friend. Ex-friend? She wasn't sure what they were anymore. "Ah -- Thank you." she said her cheeks warming at the compliment. "You don't look so bad yourself." she added a second later. She glanced down to the grass and let her hand brush over its surface causing a small grape tree to form, already producing grapes. She plucked one off and then offered some others to Harley. "Diyonisus of course, told me to come here last year -- decided I didn't particularly want to for a while, then some demi was kidnapped where I lived and I figured I might as well. Though, I hear its actually worse here so thats.... fun." she mused avoiding the topic of letting Harley have it. She was having such a nice day and sure, she was mad and she wanted answers she wasn't about ready to just let Harley off the hook that easy.

...

”Blushing, huh” she teased lightly. That wasn’t something she’d ever been able to resist doing. Seeing a woman who could get so many panties to drop blush was just so satisfying. “Well, you know. I just age like fine wine. You’re a pro with the beverage, so it only makes sense you’d recognize.” Harley flexed a tiny bit and posed playfully just to further emphasize her point. ”It is worse now here,” she agreed. Having Eve on the isle would give her another person to keep an eye on and worry about. ”I came here about a year ago. Poseidon rarely pops in, but he pretty much ordered me to move here. It was really annoying,” she said with a roll of her eyes. The guy seriously liked to pick and choose when he wanted to parent. ”But as long as I can surf, board, and work with children I’m happy. Have you kept up with your surfing? I totally have a board that will fit you well.” If the fashion designer was okay avoiding the complications of their past, then Harley wasn’t going to argue. She didn’t like to go against the current anyway. There was no point in trying to push things that weren’t ready to come out yet.

...

She narrowed her eyes at the blonde and let out a huff. It was hard to get her to blush most of the time; she only really seemed to do such a thing when she actually liked the person she was talking to. Eve didn't want to like Harley right now, she wanted to be mad at her, to hate her; to not want to spend time with Harley. Harley had pushed her to the side and avoided talking to her for most of a year. She should be able to do the same. Should be able to not care but --- she couldn't. She couldn't stop caring about the blonde and it infuriated her. "How many people have gone missing in the past couple of months?" she asked as she popped another grape in her mouth. She needed to keep her hands busy. "I haven't really... Living in NYC made that a bit hard. I did little things here and there when I could but...." she let her voice trail off, the unspoken thoughts begging to slip out but it reminded me of you. "You have a board you're be willing to let me borrow?" she asked eyebrows shooting upwards.

...

The blushing has now been upstaged by adorable huffing ladies and gentlemen. “And the crowd roars,” Harley says playfully before making the sound of a crowd cheering lightly for extra effect. She sometimes wondered how she got away with acting such a way in public, but she figured the people that stuck around thought it was part of her charm. Keeping track of the people that had gone missing was quite the task since it seemed like someone was vanishing every week. After doing a quick count in her head, she replied, ”nine in the last month and half or so. If someone went missing where you were though, I’m glad you’re here. At least we are potentially more useful to keeping you safe than humans.” Not much given their latest track record, but the odds still had to be tipped in their favor. Not being able to resist Eve’s grapes for long, Harley finally took a few. She tossed one in the air, and then promptly caught it in her mouth with a smile. ”New York City, huh? I’ve always wanted to visit, but you know the sea keeps me away.” Which was the truth. While things had been awkward between them, she’d never avoid a city to not see Eve. ”Mhm! I actually added it to my collection because I thought it would be perfect for you,” she elaborated. Harley then pulled out her phone and scrolled through a few pictures before stopping at the one she wanted. ”Here, see? Tell me that isn’t your board.”

...

She plucked the whole bundle of grapes off the tree"I'm going to kick your ass" she muttered her hand tapping the small grape tree she had made and it instantly disappeared, a little bit of her anger showing through in doing so. she sucked in a long breath as Harley told her the number and she shook her head, brow furrowed. "Nine on an island of less than 300? I was living in New York City!" she explained, "18 million people, probably more demigods living within the city than here and as far as I knew only one had vanished, my odds were better there than here." she said with a shake of her head, math wasn't her strong suit but even she knew those odds. It was ridiculous to think they were safer here. But yet all their parents still insisted. "You could have visited for a day or so." she muttered bitterness lacing her words. She knew that she had told Harley multiple times over the past year and a half she had been living in NYC.  Harley acting like she didn't remember, or maybe really had forgotten, just reminded her of how far they had drifted from being friends. "Why would you hold onto a board not knowing when or if you'd ever see me again?" she asked but then looked to the phone and at the photo of the board. It really was a board made just for her. A pastel-y pink with a seafoam blue  center very much just screamed Eveleen.

...

The blonde arched her eyebrow at the woman and playfully jumped slightly up and down from side to side like boxers did to warm up. ”You wouldn’t, but I’ll play fight you anytime,” she answered instantly. Although, getting into a playful wrestling scenario with the woman probably wouldn’t be the greatest decision. ”You might have been safer there, but you’ll love it here eventually. The people are great, and you honestly can’t beat the waves.” Since Harley and other demigods could use their powers without fear, it allowed her and others to manipulate the water as they wanted. That pretty much guaranteed amazing surf conditions. ”I never doubted that I would see you again, Eevee,” Harley answered honestly. While she’d been vague and somewhat absent for some time, the blonde never intended for them their friendship to end. ”So yeah, I held onto the board. The real question is, are you just going to make passive aggressive remarks or actually get things off your chest? I mean, we’re in a botanical paradise. You couldn’t ask for a better backdrop.”

...

Eve narrowed her eyes at Harley and shook her head, "You don't know that, I might." she said and without a second thought created a vine behind the woman that acted on her whims, and smacked Harley's ass. It disappeared as fast as it appeared and Eve just smirked. "You'll lose" she said with a shrug, maybe it was a challenge, maybe it wasn't, it'd be up to Harley to figure that out. "It's so quiet here." she said simply, she was always itching for energy to be around those who tossed out more and more; Harley was the closest she had ever come to not needing to go to parties to fill fulfilled in her chaotic energetic party ways. She chewed over the idea of starting to surf again, it'd be nice to get out on the waves, to spend time in the ocean, to maybe -- No she couldn't let herself think of hanging with Harley until she got answers. Eve just gave Harley a look, narrowed eyes and a doubtful frown. "It's been years Harley." she said, "Do you really want me to get things off my chest? Because it may just be a lot of me yelling." she muttered, "Wouldn't you rather just avoid your problems?"  Oh the sarcasm and venom it almost felt real.

...

A small shriek left Harley at the smack against her ass. The blonde arched an eyebrow at her counterpart because she honestly couldn’t believe she’d done that. ”Use your hands,” she challenged back. While Harley could use her powers too, the Earth could be a little too harsh. Last thing she wanted to do was hurt Eve. ”There is no way I’m bending rocks against you. I mean, I could use them to cuff you down, if you insist.” There was something so different about them in that moment. The tension that was bubbling between them made for an interesting dynamic. It was like they were subtly trying to see who would dominate which the blonde didn’t want to think too much about. ”It is, but there are spots to have fun too. Plus, you’ll make friends in no time. Who can say no to you?” Seriously, it was impossible. Eve was one of LA’s biggest panty droppers back in the day, and Harley doubted that had changed. ”See, that right there I don’t deal with. Yell, curse, I don’t care, but be direct with your insults. Don’t skirt around things because it literally solves nothing. So let’s go,” she said confidently.

...

It was hard not to smirk at the shriek and the comment, there were these small glimpses into their past, into the ways they used to be and it both infuriated her and made her smile. She wanted that back, she wanted Harley and her back to normal but -- she just lifted her shoulders in a nonchalant shrug a small smirk tugging at her lips as they spoke of cuffs and using their hands. "Make me" she retorted not backing down from Harley's stare. "Lots of people" she shrugged, she had never been able to get Harley despite trying over the years, that always seemed to be her luck too; girls she actually wanted didn't always fall into her wiles, but she didn't need to delve into that right then. "You left me." she said simply. "And I support you chasing your dreams and doing your thing but you abandoned me You claimed we were gonna be best friends forever, but I can count on one hand the number of times we've talked in the past year. Four. Four times Harely. Each were only a few texts back and forth before you just stopped replying." she squeezed her notebook tight between her hands causing her knuckles to go white. "So sure, sit here spout your bullshit about how you never doubted we'd see each other again. You stopped making an effort."

...

There was one person who could get under her skin in a second without even really trying, and she just so happened to be right in front of Harley. ”You don’t want to go there, Eevee,” she warned carefully. The memory of Eve kissing her when she was drunk instantly flashed behind her eyes along with how surprisingly dominant the woman had been in the exchange. That particular memory was not one she needed to have in that moment though, so she shoved it back down into the Pandora’s box it belonged in. ”I’ve rarely seen anyone be able to turn you down.” Throughout their whole friendship the woman had been able to get Harley to do anything she wanted. The word no had never been in the woman’s vocabulary when she had those deep brown eyes looking at her. ”I left,” she agreed. ”I never intended to leave you though. As for the past year, I have a reason, but it’s not one that I’m ready to share yet. Can you trust me enough to believe me when I say it’s a valid one?” There was no way Harley was ready to tell Eve that she’d left because she had been hopelessly in love with her, and the kiss they had shared that the woman didn’t even remember broke the last bit of her that had been able to remain untouched by the onslaught. That was just too much. ”My work got crazy because I decided to become a registered nurse anesthetist in pediatrics, and my mom was on a new kick of trying to mend our relationship. Still, those aren’t the real reasons just contributing factors.” Eve was angry which made sense since she’d always been too dense to realize the signs. She never noticed the little things Harley did to show she loved her, and therefore, had no idea just how much pain the blonde had put herself through.(edited)

...

The use of her nickname was the only thing that stopped her from snapping back, which stopped her from using her vines to poke at Harley a bit more. No one called her Eevee. Evie. Eve, Eveleen. Lee, Ev. Sure. But eevee the pokemon? That was only Harley. And hearing it after so long felt like a punch. So, she narrowed her eyes at Harley "Try me" she said. "You don't know where I want to go." Eve pressed, she was angry and wanted answers but also curious as to why Harley was acting as she was. "Rarely, but it still happens. I know how to get what I want, but there are people even I couldn't get to give me a kiss or crawl into bed with me." she mused with the quickest glance to Harley's eyes then lips before she looked back down at the grapes she had in her lap.  She snorted and tossed a grape into the bush. there had been nothing wrong with it, but she was still angry. "Not ready to share why you abandoned your so-called-best friend?" she muttered just above a whisper as she shook her head. "Honestly? No, not really." she said as she pushed herself up from her seated position. "But that's fine. You've got yourself a life here, someone you do tell everything too, I'm sure, hell maybe even a girlfriend. Go vent to them after this about how much I've changed and how much of a bitch I am. It's fine. We'll just be cordial, and when you're ready to stop keeping secrets from me, you can tell me why you couldn't find five minutes once in a while to text me." she said slowly soothing her own anger from venom to a sad cool stream "I'm glad you're doing something you love and you're fixing things with your mom though.” 

...

The two of them never fought when they were friends, so this was completely new territory. Both of them were challenging each other which was dangerous due to their stubborn nature. ”Why don’t you enlighten me then,” she asked back just as tensely. ”Where do you want this to go?” That was much easier than telling her she was getting oddly turned on by seeing the woman so angry and spunky. It was such an unusual version of Eve, and it wasn’t horrible even though she wasn’t a fan of being on the receiving end of it all. ”Name one,” she said in response to not being able to get someone to look at her or kiss her. Harley wanted to know just so she could find them and kick their ass for squandering that away. Although, perhaps they were like her and knew that all they could get from the woman was an amazing night, and that just wouldn’t be enough. ”Not ready to share with anyone,” she replied back quickly. Eve wasn’t a topic she touched with people. It was too painful to. ”If you’re thinking someone has replaced you here, you’re wrong. No one can even hold a candle to you in my life, so get off it. No girlfriend either. Also, when have I ever been able to call you a bitch? You’re the one ready to hurl insults and toss jabs here. I just told you to come out with it all in one go instead of every other sentence.” The venom she felt radiating off of the woman before her was painful, but she kept a brave face. Harley understood where it was coming from, but she also knew she wouldn’t be able to take it for too long. Either they found a way to table it until she was ready to talk, or the blonde would be doing a lot of avoiding. ”My mom is still batshit crazy, Eevee, that won’t change. She’s still with Jay though, and he’s kept her on her meds better than I ever could, so it’s better.”

...

She let out a little breath and shook her head, “Depends, where were you thinking it was going to go?” she asked letting another vine come up and smack Harley’s ass once more before turning into a pile of grapes on the floor. She hoped that her vine was enough of an answer to the question without her having to actually say anything. She snorted a laugh at the request to name one,”Oh I don’t know.. Let’s see, she’s blonde, spunky, really loves the ocean, was my roommate for years and who I flirted with non-stop and yet… I could never get anything from it.” she said crossing her arms over her chest. Eve pursed her lips biting the corner of it slightly as Harley spoke on her not being replaced. She found that so hard to believe, that no one had caught her eye either as a girlfriend, or that Harley hadn’t collected another best friend. She was friendly enough to. “No one can hold a candle but you can’t send me more than a couple texts a year. I pity to think of how you treat your other friends if I’m your best one. And I worry for any girlfriend you get, but then again, maybe you’d spend all your time doting on her it wouldn’t matter and we wouldn’t even know.” she grumbled, she knew Harley was a sweetheart, she knew the girl loved her friends, but she couldn’t let this go and she couldn’t get past the pit in her stomach. But there it was, that infernal nickname, the one that would always catch her off guard and make her pay attention. “Still with Jay, damn, that’s good. I’m glad he’s keeping her a bit more stable. She deserves that in life.”

...

Another shriek as a fine connected with her ass which led to her glaring at the woman ahead of her. Blue eyes closed as Harley tried to count to ten. She’d been on the receiving end of Eve’s flirtations before, but never had they held the anger behind them as well. ”I asked you first, and use your words. They communicate better than your vines.” Spanking was something the blonde would be fine with, but not from plants. That was just rude and really freaking painful. The description Eve provided of the girl she could never get made the nurse’s heart momentarily stop. Fate was honestly so cruel. Years later, and then she got the writer to admit something. ”That blonde didn’t want just one night,” she answered back but not quite as confidently. That all still hurt her to talk about which was why Eveleen was a rather taboo topic in her life. ”You’re such a pain in the ass. I’m saying that no one will ever be you. And drop the girlfriend lines. You’re just working yourself up more, and you’re pissed off enough as it is. Plus, it seems I have a knack for growing feelings for women with commitment issues anyway.” Honestly, it was probably something she should work on. That attraction obviously didn’t mesh well with her. Although, she’s gaining more traction with Aida than she had with Eve considering the woman didn’t even notice Harley’s advances in California. ”He’s thinking of proposing, so I may have a wedding to attend sooner rather than later.”

...

Eve couldn’t help but smirk, “Ah but my vines can spell things too” she said letting one crawl up her arm and it spelt out the word flirting before seemingly dissolving into her skin. She sucked in a long breath and frowned, her brow furrowing as she did so. The idea that Harley had wanted more than just one night hadn’t been something that had really crossed her mind -- because Harley had never really shown much interest in the first place. At least not -- obviously to her. “More than just that night?” she asked, cocking her head to one side, she sucked in a long breath, eyes darting back and forth as she looked at the floor. “Am I?” she asked somewhat deadpan, both in answer to being a pain in the ass and working herself up. “I mean obviously there’s someone there for you to make a comment like that.”  she smiled, it was a slightly broken sad smile. She wanted her friend to be happy, but the idea of Harley dating someone else -- irked her. She bit her lip but nodded her head. “Well, that will be fun. I’m sure you’ll be adorable in a bridesmaids dress. Hopefully not a hideous one.” she paused, “Though, knowing you, you’d still make it cute.”

...

When a vine appeared yet again, Harley honestly almost flinched because she did not want to get hit again, but quickly shifted her attention to try to make out what was being spelled. When she realized what it was, an eyebrow arched before a small laugh escaped her lips. ”You’re mad at me but want to flirt with me? That sends a bit of a mixed message, don’t you think?” The mood swings could give Harley whip lash. Still, if she wasn’t careful, Harley knew it would be easy for her to fall back into old patterns. Patterns that had left her heart aching for any attention from the actress by the end. ”Mhm. Could I have responded to your flirting and taken things further one night? Yes. Did I want to sometimes? Yes, but I didn’t just want one night with you or a friends with benefit situation. That’s why nothing happened.” Apparently Eve was still clueless to her feelings which drove her slightly mad. She didn’t understand how the woman could be that oblivious. Was she just so used to women fawning over her that she thought some things were normal? If so, what a life. ”You are,” she said with a nod. ”That would be what you took from that sentence,” she said with a slight shake of her head. The compliment was unexpected, but still made Harley smile. ”That’s because I can make almost anything work, but I think pink ruffles would be my demise.”

...

Eveleen lifted one shoulder in a shrug, “Angry flirting can be fun.” she said as she popped one of the grapes she had made earlier into her mouth. She wasn’t even sure why she was doing it and hearing that the resident therapist had been taken by the minotaur? Well she guessed she wouldn’t be figuring that out any time soon. Too bad. She let out a long breath and ran a hand through her hair tossing the wavy hair all to one side. “You know you could have talked to me” she said before popping another grape into her mouth as her stomach dropped out of her at the idea that they could have had more over the years. It had never been a thought that Harley could like her as more than just friends; she had never … really had a true friend that hadn’t just been after her family’s money, or hell, her own money. “If it wasn’t something on your mind you wouldn’t have even mentioned it, means someone is lingering in that pretty blonde head of yours. Someone caught your eye.” she said, eating another grape. “I’d pay decent money to see you in a pink ruffle dress. Maybe I’ll just text your mom that it would be the best to put you in one.” she smirked, “If only just to try it on for the wedding, maybe not as her final choice. But yanno, get her to take a picture and send it to me.”

...

”I prefer teasing flirting, but that’s just me,” she said with a shrug. Although, that was dangerous to voice out loud because the woman was the biggest tease Harley had ever known. The blonde put her skateboard flat on the floor before moving to take a seat on it and shrugged her shoulders. That was easy in theory, but actually talking to Eve about it was terrifying. ”What was the point, Eevee?” She’d seen first hand how many girls the woman loved partying with and taking home. That had never been Harley’s scene. ”I made it so clear, Eevee. Didn’t you notice I didn’t treat any other person the way I did you? Do you think it’s a coincidence that I didn’t have a girlfriend even though you know I’m the type who loves commitment?” Harley didn’t understand what the point of voicing her desire was when it was obvious nothing that she did was being seriously reciprocated. Having concrete rejection instead of just reading signals wasn’t something she needed. ”Eevee, I’m single. I’ve been single for awhile. Tried dating someone once, but it didn’t last very long.” She didn’t get why the woman was so focused on it, but she’d clarify if it would make the fashion designer less cranky. She was always up for making someone happier. ”Don’t you dare,” she threatened. ”My mom loves you and probably would. Plus, you know I don’t listen to my mother. That won’t get me in the dress it would just make me have to deal with a lot of pestering from my mom.”

...

Their shift in heights and positions, the flip of who was sitting vs who was standing, paired with the nickname once more made her pause for a moment. She chewed on her bottom lip as she watched Harley. Eveleen let out a long huff and shrugged her shoulders, she didn’t quite get what Harley was getting at as she started talking. She furrowed her brow and sucked in her bottom lip as she thought about the past, about what their past was like. “I didn’t… try and pay close attention to how you treated others, beyond that you were nice and friendly to them all....” she said with a little frown “Besides, you were literally the first person I lived with outside of my parents and the first real friend I ever made. I don’t really know how friends are supposed to act if I’m being totally honest. I mean --” she let out a little sigh trailing off, that was a whole can of worms she had never spoke about to anyone. “ Finding someone you jive with, though, can take time and even if you’re a commitment type person that doesn’t mean you just stumble upon someone you actually want to date for any length of time.” she said and rubbed the back of her neck. She rolled her eyes at Harley’s comment and crossed her arms over her chest. “I guess, I just have such a hard time imaging you’ve stayed single when you’ve live on this island paradise with how gorgeous some of the girls are here.” but at the mention of Harley’s mother she laughed, “You may not listen to your mother but a bride you can’t deny the bride…. If she wanted you in a cute frilly dress you can’t lie to me and say that you wouldn’t try it on for her.”

...

”It wasn’t my intention to have feelings for you,” Harley said carefully after hearing Eve speak. ”Not because I wouldn’t want to, but I really did just plan on being your best friend. Still, even when I did want more with you, I never cared about any of the other stuff that came with you. The money, power associated with your mother, power that will soon be your own, or any of that stuff. None of that has ever mattered to me,” she explained honestly. Even though Eve never spoke about it, Harley had noticed how people clamored to her because of her mother’s status. She’d gotten a small taste of it, so she could only imagine how it had been before. ”For reference though, I have more boundaries with my friends. I don’t go out of my way to see them whenever I can, bring them coffee, take them out to dinner at fancy restaurants I could never afford without saving for weeks, or pretend to accidentally get to close to the corner of their lips when I kiss their cheeks. That was all just for you.” Explaining it all was making Harley’s stomach bottom out to her shoes, and she just wished she could have run away from it all just a little longer. She knew she’d eventually she’d have to face the music, but the blonde had hoped she’d have a little more time. At least enough for her heart to stop doing the thing where it wanted to literally beat out of her chest whenever Eve was around. ”I lived on California constantly next to the most beautiful and talented British woman for years and stayed single. That experience comes in handy.” A sigh escaped her lips at Eve’s logic, and she hated that the woman was right. It was just downright annoying. ”Eevee, don’t do that to me. It’s just mean,” she said with a pout.

...

Eve froze mid-movement at the word feelings, her eyes darting to the blonde as a vine snaked up her leg. Nervousness sparked it to life and it touching her leg -- literally grounded her. Reminded her that things were real. She sucked in a long breath as Harley spoke of literally every fear Eve had had about people liking her, about friendships she had made over the decades of her life. She had almost no real friends, no real people that didn’t want her for just her mother’s influence or sway. Hell, she could count them on one hand if she really wanted to and as of right now she knew two of them were on the isle. Her brain felt like it was short-circuiting, feelings? Friendships? not being used? It was a lot for her to take in and actually process. Her mouth opened slightly and she let out a little breath. She was unsure of what even to say to Harley at that moment. “I’m just gonna be honest here… I -- literally don’t know what to say to all that other than -- uh.. I need time to process.” she sucked in her bottom lip and forced herself to keep her feet planted instead of moving back, moving away from the idea that Harley cared for her that much. “But um” she swallowed and blinked a couple of times trying to recenter herself. “Maybe… I’ll be nice and not make your mom do that..” she glanced down at the vine wrapped around her leg and willed it away.

...

The blonde watched as the wheels started going into overdrive in the writer’s mind, and barely withheld the sigh when she knew what was coming. Although, she was surprised to notice that Eve didn’t run away from the situation all together. The fact that she hadn’t made it better than the worst case scenario she had imagined in her head whenever she thought about discussing her feelings. When Eve did finally speak, Harley managed a small smile and nodded her head. “Take all the time you need,” she answered honestly. “I’m not going anywhere, and I’m never hard to find. I can give you my address, or if you just go to the beach for long enough, I’m sure you’ll find me. Well, unless I’m working.” Her schedule changed from week to week, so she couldn’t really outline that for the woman, but she still wasn’t that hard to locate. Plus, her number hadn’t changed either. “That would be nice. If you’re nice, I’ll dress up in something ridiculous for you one day. Although, I’m sure you’ll want to redo my wardrobe first. We can talk about that later though if you want me to roll out. I don’t want to overwhelm you or anything.” While Harley was feeling slightly deflated about putting her feelings out there and getting such a grey response, she didn’t like making anyone feel uncomfortable. All she ever wanted was for the people she cared about be happy.

...

Eve nodded her head at Harley's assurance it was okay if she took some time to process. Either way she would take the time, but knowing Harley understood that she was overwhelmed by this all? It lifted a small bit of weight from her shoulders. She swallowed hard and nodded once more "I uh -- whatever you like more. If you want me to come by when I'm more -- mentally prepared for this I can just text me your address." she said and licked her lips trying to calm herself down. She needed a drink, or to get high, she wasn't sure which would be of more use right now. Maybe talking to one of her siblings would do the trick... But at the mention of dressing up for her she chuckled, she'd love to get Harley into some ridiculous clothes just for fun. "Depends on how your wardrobe looks." she shrugged, "I'd have to see your closet." she swallowed, fashion. Fashion was easy to talk about, fashion distracted her from her sweaty palms, her pounding heart and her racing mind. It calmed her breathing, kept her from hyperventilating. Was this another panic attack threatening to rear its ugly head? Maybe. Space. She needed to go. "I -- no, it's fine, stay, enjoy the park. I have to go meet up with Vera anyways." she waved her hand and a small grape vine grew from the ground, "Enjoy some grapes." she said before taking a step back, "I'll... I'll talk to you soon" Eveleen said with a smile before she strolled off -- taking deep breaths to calm the panic that was still rising in her gut.

[mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker]

Part 4

One more for the road

“MURDERING SMALL ANIMALS Granted, it is a rat. But still, beating a small animal to death with a boot is probably not the healthiest way to relieve stress. Or is it? Since that one really shouldn't count, let's go with..”

  So...this list couldn’t even make it to it’s full number without cheating. Shocker. “REMINISCING ABOUT THE "GOOD OLE DAYS” From time to time, usually when fraught with worry, Mary Jane might pull out an old yearbook and start reminiscing about the good old days when her husband was in love with her best friend. I don't care what you say, that's just complicated and weird.”

 Gwen wasn’t Mary Jane’s best friend but I will let this slie since most people think that.

 Ben doesn’t care what we say. Nor does he care for abject reality apparently.

 Reminiscing about the past when life was less complicated and people you cared about were still alive isn’t weird it’s human.

 Arguing that she’s remembering a time when her BFF was dating her husband is weird is just...immature.

 Gwen is dead and MJ knows Peter loves her more.

 So she can remember positive times with her friend who died without getting insecure about it, much as Peter can remember those times and not feel it compromises his love for Mary Jane in the present day.

   But Ben’s demonstrated an awful lot of insecurity thus far anyway.

 Oh and MJ did this like...maybe 5 times across 20 years. Maybe.

      “INFIDELITY There was a time period where Mary Jane entertained the idea of having an affair with a character named Jerome James, accompanied by the clichéd reluctant kiss.”

  No there wasn’t.

 She was attracted to him and he was on her mind because she was lonely and vulnerable.

 She did even LESS ‘contemplating’ than Homer Simpson did about Mindy in ‘the Last Temptation of Homer Simpon’ episode. She didn’t even take things as far as Marge Simpson did in that episode from season 1 where she began spending time with that creepy dude from the bowling alley.

  He took advantage of her, the harassed her and she ONLY met him face to face to tell him to leave her alone.

 That isn’t infidelity.

 Not even a little bit.

 Which means this next sentence.

  “While this may be a realistic story to tell of a wife that often feels abandoned by her husband, there’s probably no quicker way to turn an audience against a character than infidelity.”

 Makes no sense, demonstrates a misunderstanding of what words mean what and yeah is also pretty sexist again. Shocker.

 “Even the contemplation of infidelity. (The one and only time I ever wrote and mailed a letter to Marvel as a kid, was to express my complete disgust of this subplot.)”

 Then Ben is a goddam immature loser who doesn’t understand how grown-ups act. The entire storyline actually exists specifically to demonstrate that MJ WOULDN’T cheat on Peter and is ultimately loyal to him.

 Plus...I’ll be honest...I always kind of felt the Jason Jerome storyline was a bit out of character for Mary Jane anyway so it shouldn’t really count in the first place.

  “Even her eventual "heroic" denial of his advances did little to undo the damage done.”

 In Ben’s eyes but most people don’t even remember this moment because it’s outweighed by all the OTHER heroic and selfless things MJ has ever done.

  A moment of weakness in a storyline of questionable characterization?

  Yeah...how dare Mary Jane not be flawless.

  I notice Ben has never mentioned Peter thinking about Gwen or Felicia during his marriage to MJ or times when he has, quite naturally, taken notice of other attractive women.

 It’s almost like there is a bullshit double standard in play here wherein Ben is incapable of seeing past his biases and prejudices for a solitary moment.

  “DRESSING HER HUSBAND IN THIS OUTFIT

  Okay, that’s just a joke, but on the subject on outfits…”

 Again, Ben has to pad out the list with bullshit because his whole stance is bullshit.

  “DEMANDING PETER GET RID OF THE BLACK COSTUME

Mary Jane’s feelings were hurt by Venom, so she decided that Peter could no longer wear what was arguably the best alternate costume ever created.”

  Fuck Ben.

  Nobody could look at the end of ASM #299 or the FIRST PAGE of ASm #300 and say it was a case of MJ’s feelings merely being hurt.

 He didn’t call he ugly like a schoolyard bully.

 Venom TRAUMATIZED her.

 He terrified her and reduced her to tears of complete fear for her life.

 And he frightened Peter himself even.

 Her feelings were not hurt she was one step away from PTSD.

 Her husband was now dressing in a costume that made him look just like her victimizer and maybe mental abuser and she asked him to get rid of it. She didn’t even say that she just told him it made her uncomfortable and being the good husband he was he got rid of the thing that made his WIFE feel bad and reminded her of being a victim (which is kind a big deal for someone who grew up in an abusive household you fuck!)

 But yes MJ is such a total b**** for asking her husband to dump a costume that looked kewl.

 Dump the costume that literally made him look like a homicidal maniac a fact that Peter himself brings up, meaning abandoning the outfit was a practical move regardless.

  “I liked the black costume, and she was just being unreasonable.”

 I’d hate to be Ben’s partner. I really would.

 Also I’ll say it...the red and blue costume is better.

 It’s not more slick or bad ass...but it’s SPIDER-MAN.

    “Okay fine, maybe she was being perfectly reasonable, and with the creation of Venom there was a good editorial reason for Spider-Man to stop wearing the costume. But still, I liked it.”

  So instead of this being a top 10 most unhealthy things MJ did in the marriage it’s a top 10 Ben Smith’s immature pet peeves due to being incapable of reading and understanding literature list.

   “ABANDONING HER HUSBAND Almost from the moment the decision was made to marry Peter Parker and Mary Jane, editors were looking for ways to erase it.”

  No they weren’t.

  It wasn’t until like 1995 that was a thing, a full 8 years after the fact.

 8 years after the fact isn’t ‘almost from the moment’ of anything....at all.

 Learn to know what words mean Ben!

   “Nobody wanted Peter to be a divorcee or widower, so that left only convoluted methods to end this vile abomination of a status quo.”

 I’d take vile convoluted methods to end this vile abomination of a ‘list’.

    The Clone Saga famously began as a way for Peter and Mary Jane to ride off into the sunset and return a younger-seeming, unattached Spider-Man to the forefront.”

 No it didn’t.

 It began as a way of competing with Knightfall and Death of Superman with DeFalco and Fingeroth’s behind the scenes intentions being that Peter and MJ would return with a baby whilst Ben Reilly got a spin off like War Machine or Thunderstrike.

 Plans changed when DeFalco stopped being EIC.

  “That didn’t work out, so next came John Byrne. His first attempt was to have Mary Jane appear to be killed in a plane crash, but despite how unlikable she sometimes became, nobody wanted to her to die. So instead, it turns out she was really kidnapped by an obsessed stalker, and Spider-Man had to find her and save her. (I’ve never actually read this story, so if I got the details wrong, whatever, you win.) The trauma of her imprisonment, and Peter’s continued adventuring, forces her to decide that they’re better off apart. (I’m guessing those were the reasons, because I’m not reading that comic in full.)”

  I’m not reading the story that I’m commenting on or criticising because I’m super duper good at my job of throwing out criticism ya know!

  Also Byrne left long before the MJ break up thing and it wasn’t even clear cut that that was the case because it was so poorly written. It may well have just been a trial separation.

     “Thus began the separation status quo, with Mary Jane out of the picture off in California, and Peter on his own but not really single in NYC. It was not a good look for either character.”

  Yes it was.

  This was the JMS run which SAVED Spider-Man after Mackie had brought the series to the brink of destruction.

  JMS intentionally separated them specifically to reconstruct Peter after Mackie’s character assassination.

  He stripped Peter down to his nuts and bolts as a character in order to win back readers (it worked) and then he used the separation to make a point about what the marriage meant to Peter and MJ and why it was important via it’s absence.

  It was an arc specifically ABOUT fixing the marriage and FIXING the seires by bringing them back together and making them stronger than before.

  And it also worked.

  But maybe Ben missed that because he was wanking to his pre-marriage MJ issues or something.

  “You either have to end the relationship, or embrace it (for all of JMS’ faults as a Spider-Man writer, and human being, at least he decided to depict the marriage as positively as possible) but keeping the marriage in limbo served no one.”

 Except everyone and the series as a whole and wound up being incredibly positive because by exploring how they felt about being apart JMS made a point about why they SHOULD be together.

 Also...faults as a human being?

   “(For the record, I think the McFarlane and Larsen runs had some of the best depictions of Mary Jane as a loving and supportive wife. They also had Jonathan Caesar, but that's a whole other topic.)”

  So now Ben is PRAISING the very runs he is also blaming for all this bad shit?

 Also Jonathan Caesar was a GOOD aspect of the seires. A realistic human villain for Mj specifically who could hurt her and Peter believably. Creepier than guys in Rhino suits any day.

But here is the real part that pisses me off.

  This list is about MJ’s unhealthy behaviours during the marriage and this point is about her ‘abandoning’ Peter.

  Fuck Ben.

  MJ didn’t ‘abandon Peter in the points he raised. She has post traumatic stress disorder from being kidnapped and imprisoned for SIX MONTHS in one little room and chose to leave him after that temporarily.

 That is NOT abandonment and the fact that it’s not even considering her feelings ont he matter is disgusting frankly.

  “Infidelity, abandonment, cigarettes, and dancing. Not a good look for what was once one of the best supporting characters in the Spider-Man comics.” 

She didn’t abandon him. She didn’t commit infidelity, there was nothing wrong with the cigarettes, absolutely nothing wrong with the dancing and she continued being the best supporting character in all Spider-Man comics.

  But hey....incompetence, sexism, toxic bias, misinformation and outright lying. Not a good look for what once one of the best...oh wait. Ben Smith and Comics Cube have never been the best at anything...except bullshit.

  “That's not even mentioning the other terrible subplots we were subjected to that were not her fault. It may not have been her fault in-story that she was sexually harassed by Jonathan Caesar in a story that refused to ever end, but it's not like we would have ever had to read it if she didn't become Spider-Man's wife.”

  The Jonathan Caeser plot was good and DID end so he’s again lying there. But why trust the word of a man who literally doesn’t understand the definition of what certain words mean.

  Also you could’ve told some take upon the Jonathan Caesar storyline even if Peter and MJ were not married or in a relationship.

  “To be clear, I'm not blaming the victim in any way, I'm blaming the creative teams for believing that would be even remotely interesting to read.”

 I really don’t believe that Ben isn’t blaming the victim based upon what I’ve just subjected myself to.

 “I do not like reading or watching anything like that, ever.”

  Your preferences aren’t the grand arbiter of quality or consensus within Spider-Man fandom Ben.

 “I actively choose to avoid fiction like that.”

  Then do not read Spider-Man because most of this stuff is bread and butter to Spider-Man stories.

  “Beyond that, there were the little dramas that came with being, and I hate even typing this, a soap opera star. Nothing says fun-filled superhero action like Mary Jane being chastised by overzealous elderly fans.”

 Spider-Man isn’t entirely ABOUT ‘fun filled superhero action’ jackass. It’s ALSO about normal life down to earth human drama and has always been since day one because Spider-Man IS a soap opera.

 Fucking idiot.

  “Hey kids, this issue Mary Jane and Aunt May get in a spat over Peter's best interests! Excelsior!”

   Oh you mean like that time GWEN and Aunt May did that in a run long predating the marriage? Excelsior jackass.

  “I know some of you will read this and come to the conclusion that I hate Mary Jane as a character, but I can assure you that is not the case.”

 I sense a disturbance in the Force. As if a million voices cried out in unison chanting ‘LIAR’

 “Like I wrote earlier, when I was a kid she helped form the template for what I wanted in a wife one day.”

 That’s weird and gross and sad fucked up.

  “Now, that was mostly based on her being smoking hot and usually very loyal and supportive (and also they had sex a lot, like A LOT)”

  Yep. A sexist dudebro. I knew it. He’s Marvel material though.

  “but those things don’t hold as much weight on an ongoing basis as an adult reader.”

  Then maybe you outgrew the series. Or maybe the series outgrew you since MJ was supportive more often than not.

  “The fact remains, that beyond her usefulness as eye candy and that occasional support system, her status as the wife of Spider-Man was so badly mishandled that there’s no objective way to conclude that the marriage was a success narratively.”

Yeah there is. Most people conclude that.

  Because most people are capable of narratively analysing stories better than Big Ben over here.

 “Almost everyone that argues otherwise, argues for the marriage as an idea, or because it represents something to them, and not based on actual storytelling execution.”

 No they don’t.

 I’ve spent years interacting with such people and all of them can pull out multiple objective examples of where it was handled well and when you look at the grand scheme of things it was actually handled okay. Probelms arose but they were accompanied by problems in pretty much ALL areas of Spider-Man.

   “ Sure there are always exceptions (the Sensational Spider-Man annual written by Matt Fraction being one of the best) but the examples above are far more damaging than any of the good.”

 No they are not because the examples above are mostly nonsense and lies sprinkled with sexism.

 “ At her best, she was a loving partner and friend to our main character. At her worst, she made Peter (and us) feel bad about him continuing to save lives as Spider-Man.” 

  One most lie for the road I guess.

[monabela]

I read the sentence ‘your memories belong to the lake now’ while playing an escape game, and immediately decided I should write a fanfic. and I happen to know a song about a lake (the poet and the muse) that I like very much and was inspired by and sO this was born! ft my favorite femslash pairing, because why not

The White Lake

characters/pairings: Belarus (Bela)/Monaco (Olympe)

word count: 2841 summary: The mysterious woman in white brings back the writer's inspiration, but at what cost?

also on AO3

She came wearing white.

She was like a beacon, a specter on the lake, and perhaps she should have been fearsome, incited wariness, but she never did. Not in Olympe.

Olympe lived by the lake, the White Lake, up the slope of the mountain, her cottage nestled between the grey rocks and the evergreens. She wrote. When she didn’t write, she tended to her vegetable garden and wove, or went down to the town in the valley to sell the proceeds of those things on the bustling market, and she thought of what she would write.

Without a doubt, the townspeople thought her crazy – a woman alone in the woods? Not to mention the writing at all. It all wasn’t very ladylike of her. Olympe did not mind.

She minded, though, when her inspiration waned in autumn, when she needed it most. She had to find a new coat for the winter, among other things, and the vegetables were almost all harvested by now, so there would be no selling those. She sat wrapped up by the lake often, with her quill pen and her inkwell and a completely blank piece of paper that stayed that way. Even telling stories to the still water didn’t help.

And then there was her.

She showed up at Olympe’s door the morning after the first frost, like the ice come alive. Everything about her was pale but her eyes, which were instead dark blue like the lake.

“Who are you?” Olympe asked, mind running a mile a minute. This woman was not only mysterious, she was also beautiful, and it seemed to be that she brought some inspiration with her.

“I am here to help,” said the woman. “You can call me Bela.”

“As in beautiful?”

She smiled slowly, wickedly, showing teeth. “As in white.”

And, even though Olympe was not a very trusting person by nature, and all evidence screamed to be wary of Bela, she let her in.

Not just that once, as she had feared. The mysterious woman disappeared in the evening, yes, when the first moonlight reflected on the still water of the White Lake, but she returned the next day, and the next, and many – almost all – days after that. Olympe was curious – how could she not be curious about this woman who had brought her creativity back with her simple presence? – but she also had the distinct feeling she shouldn’t ask questions.

Did Bela have a home? Was she human at all? God knew there were plenty of legends about the mountains, hailing from the medieval times when the town in the valley had just been a small village, some from even earlier dates. Olympe had thought about compiling them in a book at some point, but never had come around to it.

It was perhaps foolish to be keeping on like this, but she didn’t care.

  Even as winter set in, the mountains became bitterly cold and the lake froze over, Bela kept coming. She didn’t wear warmer clothes and didn’t want to borrow any off Olympe either, appearing unbothered. She read what Olympe wrote and, increasingly, offered her opinion. Bela was blunt and it made Olympe laugh sometimes just how different she was from her target audience in the cities, or indeed from herself, with her wealthy upbringing.

“This book doesn’t bear your name,” Bela said one dark afternoon, when she seemed the only light.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I am a woman. No one will want to read a book written by a woman.”

Bela was quiet. It really was as if she was from a different world altogether sometimes. But other times…

“Well, that’s stupid,” she said. Olympe laughed, and laughed more when Bela looked surprised, and pleased.

“The world is stupid,” Olympe said.

“You aren’t.”

She snapped her head up to look at Bela, who was actually looking less pale right now. Was she blushing? That was new. Olympe decided she liked it.

“You aren’t stupid either,” she replied.

Bela only shook her head, dark eyes downcast.

“I am very stupid,” she said cryptically. Before Olympe could push it, she had gone, just like that.

She didn’t think Bela was stupid. Quite the opposite, actually. It was true that the she didn’t know much about social interactions or the finer points of etiquette, and that she had no idea who the current ruler of the country was, but Bela could tell Olympe a great many things about the history of the mountains and their myths and legends, and knew nature in a way that seemed to be becoming increasingly rare.

And, yes, her white dresses were about 300 years out of fashion, all trailing sleeves and embroidered pearls and she never wore a hat, as if she were a woman of easy virtue, but that added to the mystery, and to the things that inspired Olympe to write yet more.

Bela knew much, but her knowledge seemed to stop past a certain point in history, much like her way of dressing did. Olympe had never met anyone like her, and didn’t think she ever would again.

Once, her cousin Francis came to visit her for a few days, and Bela didn’t show until he was gone.

“You could have greeted him,” Olympe said, not knowing how she would actually feel about sharing Bela.

“He didn’t ask,” Bela replied, which made little sense, but Olympe decided to let it slide. She wondered, though; had she asked somehow?

Later, she tried to ask Bela how she had known that Olympe needed help, needed a muse, but, unsurprisingly, the woman only smiled ever so slightly and gave no reply at all. Olympe was not sure she would want to know, when it came down to it.

That was something else she wondered about, if that was all her, because she was a curious woman by nature, whether society liked it or not. It was unlike her to let things slide so often.

  “Who are you?” she asked Bela again, one day in spring, as the tall woman was standing in the cold water of the White Lake, which pooled around her ankles and soaked the hem of her dress even though she had lifted it a little. She looked at Olympe with eyes as deep as the lake.

“Whoever you want me to be,” she eventually replied. Her voice seemed hoarser than it already tended to be usually.

“I want you to be yourself.”

Bela bowed her head so that her pale hair fell over her shoulders like rivulets of water and hid her face.

The water rippled around her bare feet but stayed otherwise still.

“Who do you want to be, Bela?”

Now, she looked up again.

“I want to be your inspiration,” she said matter-of-factly. Some unseen force rippled through the entire lake. Olympe thought she might understand.

“You are.”

Bela nodded sadly. “I know.”

  With all the writing she had done lately, Olympe hardly had to sell her fabrics anymore, but she liked to interact with the townsfolk every now and then, so she went to the market anyway. Bela never wanted to come along, insisting the mountains were her home. There would be so much to show her, Olympe thought wistfully. And perhaps they could find her a more modern dress, one with a higher waistline and tighter sleeves and maybe a hat to match.

Not that Olympe disliked her mysterious muse’s hair. It was the opposite, in fact. Lately, however, she had been struck more and more often with the desire to run her fingers through it in a way that had little to do with seeking inspiration and everything with how fascinated – one might say infatuated – Olympe was with her as a person, something that she saw more of every day.

Maybe, she thought, Bela never had been herself before and somehow Olympe was her inspiration too, in a much more profound way. She liked thinking that, because she couldn’t actually tell if she was worth as much to her at all.

And so summer rolled into the mountains with the scent of drying grass and wildflowers, and Bela’s eyes seemed to brighten with the sun even as her skin remained pale. They spent a lot of time by the lake, sometimes talking, sometimes silent but for the scratch of Olympe’s quill pen.

One day, Bela said, à propos of nothing, “I have done many bad things.”

Olympe carefully put her quill away and turned to look at her expectantly. Bela just looked out over the lake, her silhouette sharp in the sunlight.

“I have never felt remorse until now.”

“How so?”

Bela looked at her with one light eye.

“I never cared before.”

Warmth blossomed in Olympe’s chest. Much as she wished the circumstances were different, it was good to know that Bela cared in her own way. She didn’t ask what it was she felt remorse over, feeling she would not like the answer, provided she received one at all. Instead, she just put her hand, which looked tiny, softly over hers. Bela breathed steadily. Her skin was cool, but warmed under Olympe’s fingers.

They sat like that for a long time. Eventually, Bela turned her hand over and entwined their fingers.

  Long hair whipping in the October wind, Bela walked along the edge of the White Lake. Olympe thought it looked like she was searching for something, but had no idea what it would be, or she would help.

As it were, she could only watch the lone, distant figure in white through her lorgnette, and wait.

After a while, Bela strode up to her cottage, hair wild and eyes dark. Olympe didn’t expect to say anything about what she had been doing, and she didn’t, but what she did do was far more surprising than that. The tall woman dropped to her knees, dress pooling around her, and looked up at Olympe with an indefinable emotion on her face.

“Bela, what is…” She gestured vaguely. “Are you alright?”

“I wish…” Bela started, reaching her hand up as if she wanted to touch Olympe, then letting it fall.

Slowly, almost afraid of startling her, Olympe mirrored her, sinking to her knees. She reached out with caution and wrapped both hands around the one Bela was holding in her lap now. She didn’t speak. She waited.

“I wish I could be more,” Bela eventually said. Her voice was barely audible over the wind that howled around the house.

“You are enough,” Olympe replied. This was true in many ways. She gripped her hand tighter, hoping to impart this message without words. Bela’s eyes were deep and sad. Olympe could almost see herself reflected in them, a small woman in blue with a tight braid, so different from her muse.

“You are more.” It didn’t sound accusing, or jealous. It sounded almost admiring.

“I do not think I am so much,” Olympe said bashfully, lowering her gaze. Bela put her free hand on hers, her fingertips ever so gently stroking Olympe’s wrist. Her next words were barely more than breath.

“Olympe, you are everything.”

When she looked up, Bela was closer than before, and it was all Olympe could do not to gasp. Instead, she followed her instincts, pushed up, and pressed her forehead against Bela’s gently. Her skin was cold; it always seemed to be. Nevertheless, she breathed warm on Olympe’s neck, steady and reassuringly there.

“Please stay,” Olympe heard herself say. “Please.”

“As long as I can,” Bela promised.

  Finally, Olympe could indulge the need she felt to run her fingers through Bela’s long, loose hair, or let her know in other, small ways how she felt about her. Nobody could ever know about this, of course, but most people did not care much for what Olympe did either way. It was good.

And then it ended.

It was the night of the new moon. Olympe jerked awake for reasons unknown in the very early morning – it was silent outside, and still practically pitch dark. Yet, after a brief disoriented moment, she rose from her bed and padded to the window, grabbing her lorgnette on the way. She didn’t expect to see anything.

Maybe the more accurate word, she thought, would be hope. She hoped she would not see anything out of the ordinary.

But, no, there she was, truly looking like a supernatural being this time, a spot of light against the darkness of the lake. Bela, walking into the water every so calmly, barely disturbing its surface. It didn’t seem as though she was looking for something this time – more as though she knew exactly what she was doing. But that made no sense. Granted, many things about her didn’t make sense, but this was truly something else.

Olympe wanted to run outside, but was also afraid of losing sight of her muse for even a second, afraid that she would simply disappear. Indecision and fear paralyzed her.

So she watched, unmoving. Frozen as the edges of the lake, still like the mist over the water. Was that all her?

The very first ray of sunlight falling through the evergreens illuminated Bela in blinding white, and when Olympe blinked, she was gone. The water was still as if she had never been there.

Had she?

Was it a dream?

  Olympe called out for Bela in the morning when she didn’t show, walking around the lake with chattering teeth, pressing her lorgnette to her nose as if she could see more that way. It yielded no results. Not a single hint towards the mysterious woman’s presence. The lake was dark, and remained so when Olympe glared at it, yelled and pleaded at the water. It had given her so much… And it had taken everything.

So she wrote, and wrote, and wrote as if it were her final day every day for the lonely next month. She wrote a letter to Francis, asking him to come visit in the approaching spring and to take her manuscripts with him so they may be made into books. But mostly, she wrote about Bela, and about the hateful White Lake. She wrote until she ran out of ink and her fingers cramped and even her lorgnette could not help her see clearly.

It had to be done. Olympe couldn’t say why.

And then, that too ended.

All at once, the new moon was back. The day before had brought a storm that could still be heard in the distance, but the mountains were quiet around her cottage. The lake was still. The lake was foreboding, Olympe thought. She’d thought so many times.

  She came wearing black.

At first, Olympe thought she was a dream – a nightmare, perhaps. Everything about her was pale but her eyes and her dress, which were both dark as the night reflected in the water of the White Lake.

“Bela,” Olympe breathed, sitting up in her bed. The woman simply nodded. She dripped on Olympe’s floor, the water like an ink stain in the near-darkness.

She looked away when Olympe tried to catch her eye, and walked to the door when she got out of her bed, tried to reach for her. Olympe followed, somehow unsurprised yet still terrified of what was to come.

Bela stood at the edge of the lake on bare feet, her black dress floating around her calves. Her back was turned to Olympe, but she could still see that her hands were clenched in tight fists.

“Who are you?” Olympe asked. Bela looked at her over her shoulder, wet hair plastered to her forehead. A hint of a smile flitted over her sharp features, but it was a sad one.

“Bela, as in white,” she reminded Olympe. The water of the White Lake rippled out from her feet. Olympe swallowed. She wished she could say something that meant something, but her mind was blank.

“You helped me,” she just said.

“Yes.” Bela waded deeper into the water. Olympe followed her to where the shore became rocky and plunged straight into the deep. It was unwise, she knew that.

“Is there no way for you to stay with me?” she asked. Her own hair fell across her shoulders when she knelt on the rocks, touching her fingers to the freezing stone.

Bela shook her head. “You must understand. The lake demands payment.”

“The lake, or you?”

She raised a hand above the water and ran her fingers through Olympe’s hair, swept her cold thumb over her cheekbone. She didn’t answer the question, but, as with so many things Olympe had asked her, she wasn’t sure whether she really wanted to know the answer. She leaned farther forwards, cupping her own hands around Bela’s face.

“I’m sorry,” the woman said. She clutched the fabric of Olympe’s nightgown with her free hand, the grip nothing short of desperate.

“I know.”

“Your memories belong to the lake now.”

Olympe reached forward and forward and forward to kiss her, and the water closed over their heads.

[afoolsingenuity]

Bite Sized Books // Where I Declare My Love For Mariana Zapata’s Books

I have been intending to write a review for Mariana Zapata’s books for a good long while. A month, even! I read them when I was on holiday and adored them in every way. At least, the first ones I read (the two I read when I got home weren’t quite as good but they showed great potential). I knew I wanted to tell you guys how brilliant they were but I really couldn’t find the words to say why other than to flail and say read them! I still knew I had to feature them, though. There are just some books you have to talk about even when you’re utterly inelegant about them. I mean, even Zapata’s worst books were enjoyable they just weren’t up to scratch to my favourites from her.

The Ones I Adored

The Wall of Winnipeg and Me – Mariana Zapata

Published: 28th February 2016 Source: Bought Genre: Sports romance, Contemporary, Adult My Rating:

Vanessa Mazur knows she's doing the right thing. She shouldn't feel bad for quitting. Being an assistant/housekeeper/fairy godmother to the top defensive end in the National Football Organization was always supposed to be temporary. She has plans and none of them include washing extra-large underwear longer than necessary.

But when Aiden Graves shows up at her door wanting her to come back, she's beyond shocked.

For two years, the man known as The Wall of Winnipeg couldn't find it in him to tell her good morning or congratulate her on her birthday. Now? He's asking for the unthinkable. What do you say to the man who is used to getting everything he wants?

This was the first book from Zapata I heard about. I am a girl who loves romance, and more specifically sports romance, and I also adore fake relationships so when I heard there was a book which included all three of them you can bet I was interested in reading. Only problem? It was over 600 pages long. The average romance is like 300 pages, you can imagine I was intimidated by a book which was twice that. It’s why I didn’t bother buying until I knew I had all the time in the world to read it, when I was on holiday. I almost didn’t pick it up even then, luckily I avoided that mistake and found my first of my favourites from Zapata.

I adored Vanessa, she puts up with no crap and she didn’t swoon for Aiden just because he was some hot shot NFL player. She didn’t care. He had been a means to an end so could pursue her career. She handed in her notice and didn’t look back and I didn’t blame her as Aiden was annoying as hell, he was an island, and he didn’t stand up for her. She would have stayed focused an independent from Aiden if he hadn’t offered something she wanted, money to truly give her the independence she craved, she just had to marry him to help him stay in the US. Easy, right?

Well, it’s safe to say from there I fell in love as Aiden stayed being gruff and focused, but a little less of an island under Vanessa's influence. And I adored it. I didn’t even notice the length of the book because I was so invested in these characters. I swooned and sighed and grinned like and idiot and fell head over heels. I truly did, this was the best. Don’t be put off by the length but strap yourself in for a slow… very slow ride. This is the ultimate of slowburn. The romance moves at a glacial pace and it might frustrate the hell out of some. I was on the edge of my seat and loved every minute, though.

Dear Aaron – Mariana Zapata

Published: 10th June 2017

Source: Bought

Genre: Romance, Contemporary, Adult/New Adult

My Rating:

Ruby Santos knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she signed up to write a soldier overseas.

The guidelines were simple: one letter or email a week for the length of his or her deployment. Care packages were optional.

Been there, done that. She thought she knew what to expect.

What she didn’t count on was falling in love with the guy.

Then onto the second of Zapata’s books which I read. I hadn’t got this one on my radar until Nick reviewed it (funny how Nick often is the person who puts romance on my radar). I wasn’t quite as eager to get a hold of this one because Nick had said the pacing was a bit off with some of the romance and that it could have been shorter, the concern I had when it came to buying Wall of Winnipeg. I went ahead, though, because I loved the idea of a couple writing to one another and falling love. The concept slayed me and the reality was even better than expected.

Ruby and Aaron were so cute together. Ruby was brilliant and I loved that she lived with her parents still but was pursuing her career because I live at home too and it isn’t great but it’s a good means to and end. And Aaron was great building this friendship with Ruby as one of his few contacts back home so he could cope throughout his deployment.

I adored it and was totally sucked in from the start. I was gone for Aaron and adored Ruby from the very beginning. She was way geekier than me but I totally got her and her fandom ways and her quirkiness and how utterly why she is. I just connected with her straight away as I saw a lot of myself in her.

I loved how the format of the book demonstrated the progression in the relationship. We begin with emails being sent with them being a bit awkward as hey got to know one another and slowly connect. It then changes to IMs as the pair get closer and talk more often and it develops as they grow closer. It totally worked and I loved it.

This was such a cute book and I was expecting it to be angstier because Aaron was in the army but it actually was way more cute and fun and I loved it for that. It was nothing like I thought and everything which I wanted in a romance. I had a silly grin going on while I was reading and I'm not ashamed of that fact.

Kulti – Mariana Zapata

Published: 20th March 2015 Source: Bought Genre: Romance, Contemporary, Sports Romance, Adult My Rating:

“Trust me, I’ve wanted to punch you in the face a time or five.”

When the man you worshipped as a kid becomes your coach, it’s supposed to be the greatest thing in the world. Keywords: supposed to.

It didn’t take a week for twenty-seven-year-old Sal Casillas to wonder what she’d seen in the international soccer icon—why she’d ever had his posters on her wall, or ever envisioned marrying him and having super-playing soccer babies.

Sal had long ago gotten over the worst non-break-up in the history of imaginary relationships with a man that hadn’t known she’d existed. So she isn’t prepared for this version of Reiner Kulti who shows up to her team’s season: a quiet, reclusive, shadow of the explosive, passionate man he’d once been.

Nothing could have prepared her for the man she got to know.

Or the murderous urges he brought out in her.

“Sal, please don’t make me visit you in jail. Orange isn’t your color.”

This was going to be the longest season of her life.

And then the third, and in some ways my favourite. I actually had to figure out how to connect my Kindle to my phones internet to read this one while I was away because I brought it halfway through reading Dear Aaron because I knew I needed to read more Zapata and especially this one. It was another that had come onto my radar when I heard of Wall of Winnipeg because sports romance! I was put off by the fact it was a football (soccer) romance because I am not a huge fan of football, I see it enough on TV at home, do I really need to read a romance about it too. Also, the last sports romance which involved football I tried to read was Scoring Wilder and I hated it so I thought I might not like Kulti I was convinced by the fact Zapata wrote it and I am so glad I was.

I think this one clicked for me because I adored the fact it was a romance with an age gap. I was full on in love with Kulti too. Also, it was so similar to Pitch and my favourite ship in that (Mike/Ginny 4eva) that I was fully in love from the beginning.

This one was an enemies to lover romance and it was spot on. Even better, Sal wasn’t the usual girl in her early twenties falling in love but instead 27 and had several years playing on the football team who was focused on her career. She was determined to be the best she could be (with a few exceptions) and she was determined to do her best. And Reiner Kulti was a grumpy guy who had passed the peak in his career and who really didn’t want to be coaching when he was a world famous player. And he had been a dick to Sal’s brother and was basically horrible to anyone he spoke to and so Sal wasn’t willing to put up with crap from him at all.

I loved the dynamic between the two whenever they spoke and how throughout the book they grew closer. First, they became friends before any hope of romance happened. And then there was Sal’s family! I adored her parents and would have happily had them feature far more in the book. I would return to read more about Kulti and Sal’s life given half a chance.

This was the best kind of sports romance for me. It was about a female athlete for once and was absolutely brilliant. It even had a really good age difference romance for me to love. I will read all the books!

The Ones I Liked Less

Under Locke – Mariana Zapata

Published: 19th January 2014

Source: Bought

Genre: Contemporary, Romance

My Rating:

He was my boss, my brother’s friend, a Widower, an ex-felon, and a man I’d seen casually with a handful of women. But he was everything that gripped me, both the good and the bad. Worst case scenario if things turned awkward between us, I could go somewhere else. I’d gotten over epic heartbreak before, one more wouldn’t kill me.

After moving to Austin following six months of unemployment back home, Iris Taylor knows she should be glad to have landed a job so quickly... even if the business is owned by a member of the same motorcycle club her estranged father used to belong to. Except Dex Locke might just be the biggest jerk she’s ever met. He’s rude, impatient and doesn’t know how to tell time.

And the last thing they ever expected was each other.

But it was either the strip club or the tattoo shop.

… she should have chosen the strip club.

It just makes me sad when you read a book which doesn't work for you from an author you love. I mean, I still haven’t read all of Zapata’s books so there is still a chance there are more from her I don’t like but it made me sad as this was the first book by her I didn’t adore. It was partially a me thing for me to dislike it. I wasn’t a fan of the whole motorcycle gang aspect of the book. I may have enjoyed Sons of Anarchy but it’s a bit iffy when it comes to gang things. Also, when I began reading it was the last day on my holiday and my brain wasn’t totally focused on the book. That lack of focus when it came to reading this meant I didn’t become fully absorbed either.

It had all the usual marks of a Mariana Zapata book but it just missed the mark for me. I think it was the fact it was a biker gang book and Dex was just not what I wanted. He came across as a dick (hence the nickname in the book) and whilst he revealed a softer side his dickish tendencies were too much for me.

It was a good read for some, I’m sure, but not for me. It makes me sad but there always has to be one, right?

Lingus – Mariana Zapata

Published: 7th August 2015 Source: Bought Genre: Contemporary, Romance My Rating:

Most people would describe Katherine Berger as a responsible girl with a big heart, a loyal friend who takes care of those close to her, and the possessor of a wicked sense of humor. There was something about her that most people didn't know. "My name is Kat Berger, and I love porn."

When twenty-five-year-old Kat is dragged to a porn convention by her best friend, she's both embarrassed and nervous. The last thing she ever expected was to meet someone who makes her laugh like no other. This is a story about acceptance and friendship, and a love born out of the most unexpected of places.

This was a really good friends to lovers story and I enjoyed it. I didn't fall head over heels for it like Zapata's later books but you can see the essence of the great stories she writes and I did enjoy it. This only ended up on the bad list because I wasn’t head over heels and totally absorbed like I expected to be.

The book starts at a porn convention so it was safe to say I was a little hesitant going in to see whether I'd like it. Turns out it was hilarious and I enjoyed it. Sure, occasionally Kat and her friends seemed a bit OTT, almost like caricatures of who they really were because they were too much. But I did enjoy it and I loved Kat's close-knit group of friends and how they were all so close.

I thought some stuff went too fast in this book and some things too slow but the pacing wasn't a major issue. It was the first time I felt like a Zapata book was a touch too long though. I actually noticed a bit of a drag in the story towards the end.

As a whole it's a funny romance that I enjoyed as a weekend read. It may not have ticked all my boxes but it did tick a lot of them.

Now I have declared my undying love for Mariana Zapata I feel a strong need to go read those last two books by her. Who was the last author whose entire backlist you went and bought after one book? And any awesome romance authors you feel the need to recommend?

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Trump's HHS Pick Alex Azar Is the Worst Pharma Bro of All by Richard Eskow

Nominating Alexander Azar for Health and Human Services Secretary is worse than a fox guarding the henhouse. It’s like pinning a sheriff’s badge on Billy the Kid. For all his polish and small-town charm, when it comes to pharmaceutical predation, the mild-mannered Azar puts blowhard “pharma bros” like Martin Shkreli to shame.

Shkreli is the pharmaceutical exec people love to hate. That’s understandable. He sought out rights to drugs for rare diseases so he could extort outrageous prices from those whose lives depended on these treatments.

Shkreli became wealthy through his shameful strategy for extortion, but was convicted of defrauding investors in August. His smug narcissism and openly corrupt bullying made him an easy target, and a poster boy for pharmaceutical industry greed.The guy’s face tells the whole story. He even reportedly paid $2 million for the only copy of a Wu-Tang Clan album just so that the group’s millions of fans could never hear it.

Photos of Azar, on the hand, usually display a warm and open smile. “Trust me,” it seems to say. This smalltown graduate of Dartmouth and Yale, who clerked for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Azar doesn’t look or sound like a bare-knuckled capitalist. He might even make a fine dinner companion, capable of navigating both idle chit-chat and philosophical reflection with ease. He almost certainly orders the right wine, knows which fork to use, and never ever commits a faux pas over dessert and coffee.

He was a lobbyist, after all.

But when it comes to public harm, Azar puts Shkreli to shame. As horrible as Shkreli’s misdeeds were, some will dismiss them as the rogue acts of a bit player. Azar, on the other hand, is the ultimate pharmaceutical industry insider: he has gone through the revolving door from government to lobbying several times to ascend to the helm of pharmaceutical giant Lilly USA.

Azar’s face is the industry’s face, not just that of one corrupt fraudster. And his shame is the industry’s shame. And now the date has been set for his Senate nomination hearing: November 29.

Bad Company

Azar is the son of an opthamologist, and grandson of an immigrant from Lebanon. He ascended to partnership at a white-shoe DC law firm after working for Independent Counsel Kenneth W. Starr on the Whitewater investigation of President Bill Clinton. He then became General Counsel of HHS under President George W. Bush, where he supervised the agency’s $1 trillion operations.

In 2007, he went directly from government service to become the top lobbyist for Lilly,  where he could mine his government contacts for the Indianapolis-based drug manufacturer.

Lilly certainly needed friends in Washington at the time. As the Corporate Research Project’s Phillip Mattera reports, Lilly has paid more than a billion dollars in criminal fines and settlements to the federal government and the states, as well as hundreds of millions to settle private lawsuits.

For decades, Eli Lilly has repeatedly been accused of concealing dangerous and even deadly side effects of some drugs and illegally marketing others for unapproved purposes.

In a foreshadowing of today’s opioid crisis, Lilly’s Darvon proved to be seriously addictive, and was eventually pulled from the market. As the New York Times reported in 1983, Lilly knew of at least 29 deaths in Europe caused by its arthritis medication Oraflex before it was approved for use in the United States. But it did not report those fatalities because, it claimed, “federal regulations did not require reporting of foreign deaths.” Lilly eventually pleaded guilty to criminal charges in that case. its former chief medical officer pleaded no contest.

Lilly was also compelled to pay $1.42 billion to settle a raft of lawsuits over misleading marketing of the anti-psychotic drug Zyprexa as an anti-dementia drug, a use for which it was not approved. This happened less than a month after it agreed to pay $62 million to settle similar charges regarding its marketing of the medication for pediatric uses. It was apparently equally willing to prey on the young and the elderly.

Under Par

A Lilly sales rep even once placed golf bets with doctors to put patients on Zyprexa, according to documentation in a South Carolina suit. ““I got four pars out of nine holes,” the Lilly rep wrote. “I said I wanted my four new patients.”

Lilly’s greatest marketing triumph may have come with Prozac, the antidepressant that arrived with a massive social impact and the sheen of proven science regarding serotonin, only years later was it revealed that that pharmacological effects of these drugs were “clinically negligible.”

2007, the year Azar joined Lilly, was the same year the drug manufacturer was accused of misleading consumers about its canine version of Prozac. It looks like the company was willing to overhype a cure for depressed dogs, too.

Deadly Greed

Did Azar help Lilly clean up its act, of just sweep its misdeeds under the carpet?

Azar became the head of Lilly’s U.S. division in 2012, and under his leadership — if “leadership” is the right word – the company stands accused of illegally conspiring with other manufacturers of insulin to keep prices high, a practice that reportedly began in 2002 and continued at least until 2013.

As the New York Times reports, prices for insulin have risen in “near lock step” for years, without any apparent increase in costs. The consumer group Patients for Affordable Drugs (P4AD) said in a statement that “Eli Lilly is one-third of an insulin cartel that has driven up prices by more than 300 percent.” A major class action suit accuses the three companies of racketeering, and probes of insulin pricing by attorneys general in multiple states remain underway.

And this isn’t just a case of financial fraud or malfeasance. Lives are stake.  Websites like this one offer advice to desperate diabetics struggling to stay alive in the face of sky-high insulin costs. Sometimes diabetics are forced to choose: insulin or food.

As the Times reports, one lawsuit recounted horror stories of diabetics who can’t afford up to $900 per month for insulin and have instead injected expired insulin, or starved themselves in an attempt to control their blood sugar levels. The lawsuit said that other patients allowed themselves to develop a potentially fatal condition in order to obtain insulin in the hospital emergency room.

Lilly has also been accused of making billions by avoiding its tax responsibilities through offshore profits. Lilly reportedly had $21 billion parked offshore in 2013. Lilly reportedly paid an effective U.S. corporate income tax rate of only 14.8 percent from 2008 to 2012. Like other drug manufacturers, it has also been accused of dodging taxes in Australia and Lithuania.

Azar’s Phony Claims

Donald Trump has accused drug companies of “getting away with murder” – an assertion that is, sadly, more than a metaphor – and promises that Azar will be a “star” in reducing drug costs, despite his track record leading a pharma industry giant that has been sanctioned for its price-gouging practcies.

How likely is that?

Not very. Azar is a right-wing ideologue with close ties to Vice President and longtime corporate minion Mike Pence. His public comments about drug prices have blended misdirection and bullshit in roughly equal measure.

“The issue shouldn’t be just to focus on drug prices,”Azar said on the Fox Business show. “The issue is what are people paying when they go to the pharmacy to get their drugs.”

Actually, it’s both. Insurance companies and pharmacy benefit managers have sometimes conspired to overcharge customers for medications, as David Dayen reported last March. But Azar’s line is standard drug-company spin. Big Pharma wants Americans to think about the prices they see when they fill prescriptions. That’s why they often offer programs that waive copayments for certain high-priced medications.

But the costs we don’t see are just as important. Overpriced medications are taxing the entire health care economy, and Americans pay for them in a number of less visible ways: in higher insurance premiums, less covered services, and higher copays and deductibles. Azar wants us to forget about those costs, even as the insurance companies pocket undeserved billions.

The High Cost of Low Innovation

Azar also spewed standard-issue Big Pharma doubletalk in 2014 when he said, “The narrow focus of costs of medicine to the exclusion of innovation would be self-defeating in the long run.”

Drug companies love to claim that we need to pay exorbitant drug prices because research and innovation are so expensive. But a recent study of new cancer drugs in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that drug companies have been wildly exaggerating those costs and enjoying huge margins on new drugs.

Nor does the cost of research and development explain Eli Lilly’s excessive charges for insulin, an “innovation” which first came to market in 1922.

Azar also said this last year, at a panel hosted by the right-wing Manhattan Institute:

“When the government gets involved it is more likely than not to create perverse incentives and unintended consequences than when the market players can work together to figure that out.”

This claim has been disproven by every other developed country in the Western world, where government-directed health insurance is the norm and drug costs are substantially lower.

The Player

Azar is a catastrophically bad choice for the government’s top health care job. It’s true that he never bought a Wu-Tang Clan album just so no one besides him could ever hear it. But then again, we now know the album Martin Shkreli bought may not have been the real thing after all. The would-be player may have been played.

Nobody’s played Alexander Azar. Thus far, he’s played the system with cold-eyed ease on a scale Shkreli could only dream of, regardless of the financial or human costs.

And now, unless his nomination is blocked, this unrepentant fox is about to be handed the keys to the nation’s henhouse.